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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,357 --> 00:00:03,093 - Ah oh! - What? 2 00:00:03,558 --> 00:00:05,337 I miss the neck brace. 3 00:00:05,517 --> 00:00:07,378 It was like a powerful turtleneck. 4 00:00:08,004 --> 00:00:10,499 You looked like Robert Redford in the way we were. 5 00:00:10,667 --> 00:00:13,604 - Well... - Should I... get a cravat? 6 00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,463 You can't just go from brace to nothing! 7 00:00:17,445 --> 00:00:18,643 So, all good? 8 00:00:18,729 --> 00:00:22,183 Yeah. Got the all-clear. Got the clean, full bill of health. 9 00:00:22,383 --> 00:00:24,300 She even said that my weight loss 10 00:00:24,394 --> 00:00:26,097 has made my penis look bigger. 11 00:00:27,466 --> 00:00:29,034 Did you tell her about the bed sweats? 12 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:31,738 - Yeah. She wasn't worried about that. - Really? 13 00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:34,238 Did you tell her how it soaks the whole bed now? 14 00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,308 Did she not think that's weird and gross? 15 00:00:36,458 --> 00:00:38,006 She didn't use those words. 16 00:00:38,092 --> 00:00:40,309 Did you show her the brown thing that just grew on your leg? 17 00:00:40,394 --> 00:00:41,855 First of all, it's beige, 18 00:00:41,946 --> 00:00:43,605 and, er... does it bother you 19 00:00:43,691 --> 00:00:44,894 that I've been declared healthy? 20 00:00:44,980 --> 00:00:47,050 No, it doesn't bother me that your health. 21 00:00:47,136 --> 00:00:48,753 It's great. 22 00:00:49,199 --> 00:00:53,396 It's just interesting that you can spend 40 years inhaling sausage rolls 23 00:00:53,482 --> 00:00:55,917 and get rewarded with a clean bill of health. 24 00:00:56,035 --> 00:00:58,652 - Good for you. - You should get a check-up. 25 00:00:59,279 --> 00:01:00,410 I'm fine. 26 00:01:00,496 --> 00:01:02,263 Oh, are you, now? I mean, you LOOK fine, 27 00:01:02,349 --> 00:01:04,386 but could be a mess in there. 28 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,006 - What are you laughing at? - I'm just thinking, you know, 29 00:01:09,092 --> 00:01:11,519 one day each of us is gonna go to the doctor and be told, 30 00:01:11,628 --> 00:01:15,995 - "I have extremely bad news." - Jesus Christ! 31 00:01:16,894 --> 00:01:19,363 You know, I think I'm gonna train for a ten-K. 32 00:01:19,494 --> 00:01:22,066 - Do you wanna join me? - No. 33 00:01:22,152 --> 00:01:25,011 - Why? - Because you fart when you run. 34 00:01:25,097 --> 00:01:28,011 Well, if you ran faster, you wouldn't have to huff 'em, slowpoke. 35 00:01:28,190 --> 00:01:30,745 "Slowpoke"? Oh, my God! 36 00:01:30,831 --> 00:01:32,980 I totally run faster than you. 37 00:01:33,839 --> 00:01:35,355 No, you don't. 38 00:01:38,070 --> 00:01:39,824 This is ridiculous! 39 00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:44,550 It's just silly. I'm wearing heels. 40 00:01:44,951 --> 00:01:48,558 And carrying a bag. I wasn't even trying. 41 00:01:50,549 --> 00:01:52,488 Now I'm trying! 42 00:01:58,136 --> 00:01:59,722 I had no idea I was so healthy. 43 00:01:59,808 --> 00:02:02,207 I'm thinking about competing in a Masters Tournament or something. 44 00:02:02,292 --> 00:02:04,214 I don't think you qualify for Masters Tournament 45 00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:05,581 just by being old. 46 00:02:05,691 --> 00:02:07,511 I think you also have to be good at a sport. 47 00:02:07,565 --> 00:02:09,487 Well, their loss. 48 00:02:09,612 --> 00:02:12,441 I had the full check-up myself a few weeks back. 49 00:02:12,872 --> 00:02:14,792 Tanya wants to start trying for a baby. 50 00:02:14,924 --> 00:02:17,386 I figured if I do it right now, immediately, 51 00:02:17,472 --> 00:02:20,198 there's probably just enough time for me to watch it grow up 52 00:02:20,291 --> 00:02:21,737 before I run out of steam. 53 00:02:22,294 --> 00:02:23,826 As for my haircuts, I'm fucked. 54 00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:26,095 Wow! Why would you do that? 55 00:02:26,220 --> 00:02:27,415 Because she wants a baby. 56 00:02:27,509 --> 00:02:28,838 I already tried to tell her to do it 57 00:02:28,923 --> 00:02:31,009 with somebody younger, but she likes me. 58 00:02:31,095 --> 00:02:32,790 And, you know, she's got a good career, 59 00:02:32,884 --> 00:02:34,634 and her folks have money, so, 60 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:36,305 you know, if I get Alzheimer's 61 00:02:36,391 --> 00:02:38,110 or assassinated her, 62 00:02:38,407 --> 00:02:39,890 and the wee one should be all set. 63 00:02:39,976 --> 00:02:40,651 Mm. 64 00:02:40,737 --> 00:02:42,830 - You've really thought this through. - Plus, Tanya's on board 65 00:02:42,915 --> 00:02:45,010 for all my sexual proclivities, and that is not a given 66 00:02:45,095 --> 00:02:48,009 - for every woman I meet. - Huh! Tell me about it! 67 00:02:48,095 --> 00:02:50,254 Dave and I'll start a prayer circle for you. 68 00:02:50,498 --> 00:02:52,423 No, no. I support older dads. 69 00:02:52,509 --> 00:02:55,438 I mean, I'm in my late 40s. I've just had a baby. 70 00:02:55,583 --> 00:02:57,954 Um, I know I'm not as old as you, but... 71 00:02:58,053 --> 00:02:59,759 I'm the same age as you are, son. 72 00:03:01,125 --> 00:03:02,399 Really?! 73 00:03:03,786 --> 00:03:05,907 Oh! Hey, that reminds me. 74 00:03:05,993 --> 00:03:08,157 Got something to show you. 75 00:03:10,001 --> 00:03:11,532 Is that what we're eating right now? 76 00:03:11,665 --> 00:03:13,017 BOTH LAUGH 77 00:03:13,836 --> 00:03:17,626 That is Mr Barnaby Honeypot, Daphne's new pony. 78 00:03:17,755 --> 00:03:20,712 Did you ride it here? Is it tied to a post out front? 79 00:03:21,306 --> 00:03:23,017 No! It's on our farm! 80 00:03:23,774 --> 00:03:27,549 Oh! We bought a farm... in Kent. Yeah. 81 00:03:28,076 --> 00:03:30,379 I bought it because I don't want Daphne getting stabbed to death 82 00:03:30,464 --> 00:03:32,839 in London. Huh! I'm such a dad now! 83 00:03:34,316 --> 00:03:36,331 Actually, we're going down this weekend. 84 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,260 You guys wanna come? You can bring the kids. 85 00:03:38,346 --> 00:03:39,839 - Fuck, yeah. - I can't this weekend. 86 00:03:39,925 --> 00:03:41,581 Tanya and I are taking some mushrooms 87 00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,839 and going to a Renaissance fair in Norfolk. 88 00:03:45,673 --> 00:03:46,854 What? 89 00:03:48,113 --> 00:03:50,624 I mean, I feel pretty healthy. I feel good, 90 00:03:50,728 --> 00:03:52,887 except for the peeing myself thing. 91 00:03:52,981 --> 00:03:54,675 I mean, it used to just happen when I was trampolining, 92 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,964 and now it's just... whenever as needed. 93 00:03:59,146 --> 00:04:00,832 Is there anything we could do about that? 94 00:04:00,918 --> 00:04:02,144 God, no. 95 00:04:02,230 --> 00:04:03,918 We're probably closer to curing cancer 96 00:04:04,004 --> 00:04:05,207 than figuring out how the hell mothers 97 00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:06,512 not pee when they don't want to. 98 00:04:06,597 --> 00:04:07,651 Oh. 99 00:04:07,839 --> 00:04:09,867 So, we've got your tests back. 100 00:04:09,932 --> 00:04:13,160 I'm afraid your cholesterol level is quite high for a woman your age. 101 00:04:13,246 --> 00:04:15,723 Are you sure? My cholesterol feels fine. 102 00:04:15,809 --> 00:04:18,168 Also, your bloods are indicating a high level of fat 103 00:04:18,254 --> 00:04:20,783 around your organs, and, I have to say, 104 00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:24,221 - your mobility isn't great. - What? What does that mean? 105 00:04:24,366 --> 00:04:26,471 Er, you couldn't touch your toes earlier. 106 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,479 Some people just can't do that. It's like wiggling your ears 107 00:04:29,565 --> 00:04:31,400 - or moon-walking. - But the good news is, 108 00:04:31,486 --> 00:04:34,080 your weight is within the healthy limit for your age and height. 109 00:04:34,256 --> 00:04:36,055 So the package is the right size, 110 00:04:36,141 --> 00:04:38,127 but what's inside is just shit? 111 00:04:38,303 --> 00:04:40,705 No.You're saying if you took a normal-size mannequin 112 00:04:40,791 --> 00:04:44,588 and filled it with meatballs and margarine, that'd be me? 113 00:04:44,674 --> 00:04:45,666 That's not what I'm saying. 114 00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:48,361 Well. Medically that's what you're saying. 115 00:04:48,673 --> 00:04:49,721 Fine. 116 00:04:51,615 --> 00:04:53,481 I just never thought of myself 117 00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:56,668 as unhealthy before. I'm a runner. 118 00:04:56,876 --> 00:04:58,891 How are you a runner? 119 00:04:58,956 --> 00:05:00,629 I used to run cross-country at uni. 120 00:05:00,853 --> 00:05:02,652 Yeah. I used to build pillow forts. 121 00:05:02,738 --> 00:05:04,465 It doesn't mean I'm currently an architect. 122 00:05:04,551 --> 00:05:07,231 Yeah, but... muscle memory! 123 00:05:07,618 --> 00:05:10,313 Hey! Are you going raving? 124 00:05:10,399 --> 00:05:12,974 No, running. What, I'm baby-sitting so you can go running? 125 00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:14,746 Yeah. Fair enough. 126 00:05:15,604 --> 00:05:18,699 You know, you should be careful. My uncle Kevin started running 127 00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:21,481 when he was your age like, 60 or whatever. He did one run 128 00:05:21,567 --> 00:05:24,622 - and collapsed and died. - Well, that's unlikely to happen. 129 00:05:24,708 --> 00:05:27,817 Older people are better off standing still. You get to a certain age 130 00:05:27,903 --> 00:05:30,363 and you start exercising, you shake bad stuff loose 131 00:05:30,450 --> 00:05:32,723 and it gets in your bloodstream and it poisons ya, 132 00:05:32,837 --> 00:05:34,988 and you just drop dead straight away. 133 00:05:35,621 --> 00:05:37,488 OK. See you about half seven, Anna. 134 00:05:37,574 --> 00:05:39,051 Thank you. 135 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:46,232 - How far was that? - Er, 2.3 miles. 136 00:05:46,318 --> 00:05:49,811 What? Miles? Well, bloody hell! 137 00:05:50,366 --> 00:05:51,803 That's good. 138 00:05:52,905 --> 00:05:54,140 We'll get a Tube back, though, right? 139 00:05:54,225 --> 00:05:55,413 Oh, yeah. 140 00:05:56,655 --> 00:05:58,162 So fuckin' dangerous. 141 00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:02,264 What if a kid ran out? 142 00:06:02,350 --> 00:06:03,912 Tell him to slow down. 143 00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:05,459 Slow down. 144 00:06:07,044 --> 00:06:08,334 Argh! Oh! 145 00:06:09,133 --> 00:06:10,615 Agh! What just happened? 146 00:06:10,701 --> 00:06:11,811 Oh, God, my eyes! 147 00:06:11,897 --> 00:06:14,428 - Agh! Oh, my God, it's acid! - What?! 148 00:06:14,514 --> 00:06:17,326 - Rob! Rob! - Argh! 149 00:06:17,652 --> 00:06:20,467 Oh, wait. It tastes like juice. 150 00:06:20,641 --> 00:06:22,943 It... No, it's just juice. 151 00:06:23,612 --> 00:06:24,812 Argh! 152 00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:27,967 Oh! Bloody hell! 153 00:06:29,036 --> 00:06:31,568 - That was a bit dramatic! - Oh, really?! 154 00:06:31,719 --> 00:06:35,139 Well, you didn't just have acidic juice shot in your face. 155 00:06:37,801 --> 00:06:39,326 Fuckin' heck! 156 00:06:44,646 --> 00:06:45,926 Do you wanna start running with me? 157 00:06:46,011 --> 00:06:47,693 Not really. Why? 158 00:06:47,786 --> 00:06:50,787 Because I've got fatty organs, and Rob won't run with me anymore 159 00:06:50,873 --> 00:06:52,960 because he's scared of London. I don't wanna join a gym 160 00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:54,787 because of the mirrors. And the people. 161 00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,092 "Oh, and the smell." 162 00:06:56,226 --> 00:06:58,218 It's like every breath you take has wiggled its way 163 00:06:58,303 --> 00:07:00,278 through 20 pairs of sweaty buttocks. 164 00:07:01,060 --> 00:07:03,482 Do you want to come to military fitness in the park with me? 165 00:07:03,568 --> 00:07:06,171 Yeah, yeah, sure. How do I do that? Do I... 166 00:07:06,327 --> 00:07:07,342 PHONE BEEPS 167 00:07:08,170 --> 00:07:10,349 Fran, I'll call you back, OK? 168 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:12,780 What's up? Are you all right? 169 00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:14,492 I'm just calling to check that you're OK. 170 00:07:14,578 --> 00:07:16,123 - Have you seen the news?" - No. Why?" 171 00:07:16,209 --> 00:07:17,350 There was an incident in town. 172 00:07:17,435 --> 00:07:19,291 A guy drove a car into a crowd of people 173 00:07:19,377 --> 00:07:20,482 in front of the M&M store. 174 00:07:20,568 --> 00:07:21,646 No, that was me. 175 00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,677 I wanted some M&Ms and I forgot my purse. 176 00:07:23,809 --> 00:07:25,771 Honey, a guy died, OK? 177 00:07:25,857 --> 00:07:28,013 There was a stampede. It's very upsetting! 178 00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:29,656 Yeah, I tell you what's upsetting, is 179 00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:31,435 you thought I was at the M&M store. 180 00:07:31,521 --> 00:07:34,096 All right. Well, just stay away from that whole area. 181 00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:37,084 What about Kinder Egg Village? Can I go there? 182 00:08:15,724 --> 00:08:17,608 Fuck! No! 183 00:08:27,764 --> 00:08:28,951 Aah! 184 00:08:29,146 --> 00:08:33,639 SHE MOANS / GASPS 185 00:08:44,379 --> 00:08:47,155 - Same time next week. - See you then. 186 00:08:47,395 --> 00:08:48,851 Goodbye, Douglas. 187 00:08:50,545 --> 00:08:52,218 Don't say my name. 188 00:09:03,444 --> 00:09:06,140 *CATASTROPHE* Season 04 Episode 03 189 00:09:06,239 --> 00:09:08,678 Subtitles by Red Bee Media 190 00:09:08,825 --> 00:09:11,162 Sync corrections by srjanapala 191 00:09:12,303 --> 00:09:13,866 Welcome to paradise! 192 00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:17,655 Wow! 193 00:09:18,888 --> 00:09:19,928 Mwah! 194 00:09:20,426 --> 00:09:22,506 Through here we have the kitchen garden. 195 00:09:22,592 --> 00:09:24,225 Every vegetable you could ever need 196 00:09:24,311 --> 00:09:26,998 err, carrots, baby carrots, 197 00:09:27,084 --> 00:09:29,059 - purple carrots... - Cool! 198 00:09:29,145 --> 00:09:31,733 And this... is what sealed the deal 199 00:09:31,819 --> 00:09:33,600 when we were viewing the place. 200 00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:36,366 - A sewer? - No, man! 201 00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:38,913 It's a bunker! 202 00:09:42,859 --> 00:09:43,800 You wanna get in? 203 00:09:43,893 --> 00:09:46,444 Oh, no. I try never to go in holes. 204 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,710 Caves, holes, tubes... Not really my scene. 205 00:09:49,796 --> 00:09:51,022 You might wanna think about it, 206 00:09:51,108 --> 00:09:52,663 with the state of the world these days. 207 00:09:52,749 --> 00:09:54,523 I mean, if you have a family, 208 00:09:54,959 --> 00:09:56,710 you really should have a bunker. 209 00:09:58,062 --> 00:09:59,163 It's something to consider. 210 00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:03,145 We're not getting a bunker! 211 00:10:05,721 --> 00:10:07,991 So, do you have Daphne strapped to you all the time? 212 00:10:08,077 --> 00:10:09,077 Sure. 213 00:10:09,163 --> 00:10:11,265 - How do you shower? - Oh, I have a waterproof one. 214 00:10:13,641 --> 00:10:15,671 Dave's a very involved parent. 215 00:10:15,757 --> 00:10:17,181 There's not much for me to do, 216 00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:19,616 outside of flopping out the odd tit. 217 00:10:19,872 --> 00:10:23,101 Hey, it is a pleasure and a privilege. 218 00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:24,937 Oh, I love being a dad! 219 00:10:25,023 --> 00:10:27,059 It is the highest high of all. Am I right? 220 00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:28,882 I dunno. I feel like having kids 221 00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:31,296 is like strapping yourself to a Formula 1 race car. 222 00:10:31,382 --> 00:10:32,483 You know. Boom! 223 00:10:32,569 --> 00:10:34,812 Your life is over. But not in a bad way. 224 00:10:34,898 --> 00:10:36,169 Yeah. You just have 225 00:10:36,255 --> 00:10:37,484 to take everything you ever wanted 226 00:10:37,569 --> 00:10:41,093 and put it in a box, because you never... 227 00:10:41,747 --> 00:10:44,116 But, yeah. It's great, you know? 228 00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:47,318 So, you think this could become a permanent move? 229 00:10:47,404 --> 00:10:48,451 - Oh, yeah. - No. 230 00:10:48,537 --> 00:10:49,725 Ahg-hmm. 231 00:10:51,366 --> 00:10:55,171 Well, I dunno. I dunno if I want Daphne growing up in London. 232 00:10:55,265 --> 00:10:57,815 You slip on a banana peel there, go to the emergency room, 233 00:10:57,901 --> 00:10:59,662 it takes you six hours to get seen 234 00:10:59,748 --> 00:11:03,170 because of all the knife victims bleeding out all over the floors. 235 00:11:03,256 --> 00:11:05,342 Everyone at this table, including you, 236 00:11:05,428 --> 00:11:06,811 knows that's not true. 237 00:11:06,897 --> 00:11:09,350 I dunno. I mean, when I was attacked... 238 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,837 - With juice. - ..with what we now know was juice... 239 00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:14,943 Well, we figured it out pretty fast. 240 00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:17,922 All right. Well, outside I was screaming, 241 00:11:18,081 --> 00:11:21,748 but inside, I was just, like, "Oh, right. Now this. Yeah." 242 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:24,865 It's like there's this low-level feeling of menace there 243 00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:27,850 that we've all gotten used to, but that I never really noticed 244 00:11:27,936 --> 00:11:30,151 - before the attack. - It was juice! 245 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,319 Look, I don't care if MY face gets melted, you know? 246 00:11:33,405 --> 00:11:34,893 - I'm married. - Hang on. I... 247 00:11:34,979 --> 00:11:36,912 I care if your face gets melted. 248 00:11:36,998 --> 00:11:39,358 - I have to look at you. - Well, no. All I'm saying is, 249 00:11:39,444 --> 00:11:43,219 I care more if our kids' faces get melted, you know? 250 00:11:43,323 --> 00:11:45,349 I don't want my kids' faces to get melted. 251 00:11:45,435 --> 00:11:46,803 That's all I'm saying. 252 00:11:48,936 --> 00:11:50,803 Why'd you buy a baby a pony? 253 00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:54,897 What...? 254 00:11:55,263 --> 00:12:00,350 So, Chris and the buxom ingenue went away for the weekend. 255 00:12:00,557 --> 00:12:03,428 Jeffrey chose to stay with his friend Toby instead of me, 256 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,670 - which I found devastating. - Mm. 257 00:12:05,950 --> 00:12:07,990 So, that's something you've got to look forward to 258 00:12:08,076 --> 00:12:11,147 when your kids get older, and they throw you out in the rubbish, 259 00:12:11,233 --> 00:12:14,506 - the coffee grounds and fish heads. - He'll come back to you. 260 00:12:14,789 --> 00:12:16,983 - It's probably just a phase, right? - Yeah. 261 00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:22,264 Anyway, I've got my volunteer work. I've got my loom. 262 00:12:23,273 --> 00:12:26,748 And Douglas is keeping me occupied, texting me. 263 00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:30,014 Like an eager puppy since we started that little game. 264 00:12:30,827 --> 00:12:32,952 A puppy with a throbbing human penis. 265 00:12:33,038 --> 00:12:37,723 Ah, Jesus, Fran! It's all a bit Apple Tree Yard, isn't it? 266 00:12:37,889 --> 00:12:39,589 No. 267 00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,262 The sex is, like... 268 00:12:42,989 --> 00:12:45,325 Everything about him, I mean physically, is just... 269 00:12:45,419 --> 00:12:48,457 - Even his scrotum's attractive. - How can you say that? 270 00:12:48,624 --> 00:12:51,079 The scrotum's a design flaw. 271 00:12:51,488 --> 00:12:54,447 You ask ten women what the worst thing they saw in their life was, 272 00:12:54,738 --> 00:12:56,910 for eight of them it'll be scrotum-related. 273 00:12:56,996 --> 00:12:59,934 Well, I like what I like. 274 00:13:00,130 --> 00:13:02,364 - I don't follow the herd. - Girls, we like to talk! 275 00:13:02,450 --> 00:13:04,739 Green 12, squat jumps the length of the cones. 276 00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:07,082 Green seven, you can skip. 277 00:13:07,873 --> 00:13:09,373 All right. 278 00:13:16,676 --> 00:13:18,769 Engage your core while you skip. 279 00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:21,105 - What? - Engage your core. 280 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,480 - Yeah. - Flex it! 281 00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:25,464 - Tighten it! - I am! 282 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:28,553 Fucking hell! Can you make it harder than that? 283 00:13:28,639 --> 00:13:32,128 - No! - OK. Green 12, you can start skipping. 284 00:13:32,264 --> 00:13:34,003 Green seven, burpees. 285 00:13:44,877 --> 00:13:46,948 What are you doing? Why are you taking photos? 286 00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:50,290 - For my Facebook page. - Well, hang on. Just let me... 287 00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:05,009 His face was blurry because he was on a moped, 288 00:14:05,264 --> 00:14:06,798 and, you know, I had juice in my eyes. 289 00:14:06,884 --> 00:14:10,860 Right. And I don't wanna sound bigoted, but he was brown. 290 00:14:11,032 --> 00:14:14,392 Er, Mediterranean brown, not, like, Muslim brown. 291 00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:16,759 Um, I can't say that he wasn't Muslim, 292 00:14:16,845 --> 00:14:19,728 but I don't care. That's not my angle. 293 00:14:19,844 --> 00:14:23,360 Um, is there a statute of limitations for a crime like this? 294 00:14:23,497 --> 00:14:25,681 Well, I'm more comfortable calling it a prank. 295 00:14:25,828 --> 00:14:28,024 All right. Well, whatever you wanna file it under. 296 00:14:28,110 --> 00:14:30,814 I think I'm gonna file it under juice. 297 00:14:31,008 --> 00:14:34,642 It was juice this time. I mean, I think it could've been a rehearsal, 298 00:14:34,868 --> 00:14:36,595 you know, pre-calculated. 299 00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:39,761 I think it might've been a rehearsal for a bigger plan. 300 00:14:39,874 --> 00:14:41,798 You know, they did that for 9/11. 301 00:14:41,910 --> 00:14:46,965 - Do you work in security? - No. Pharmaceuticals. 302 00:14:56,134 --> 00:14:57,635 Hey! 303 00:15:00,124 --> 00:15:01,247 What are you doing? 304 00:15:01,348 --> 00:15:03,279 I just saw one of those guys from the house next door 305 00:15:03,364 --> 00:15:05,483 - that you were worried about. - What guys? 306 00:15:05,852 --> 00:15:07,223 When was I worried about them? 307 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,212 Don't you think there's something up with them? 308 00:15:09,298 --> 00:15:10,434 I mean, who are they? 309 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,200 It's a gang of guys living together. They're not gay. 310 00:15:13,286 --> 00:15:16,169 - How do you know? - I've never seen 'em do one gay thing! 311 00:15:16,255 --> 00:15:19,419 - Have you ever seen 'em kiss? - Have they ever seen US kiss? 312 00:15:19,505 --> 00:15:22,169 OK. Here's the thing. They come and they go. 313 00:15:22,448 --> 00:15:24,762 They have that bright fluorescent light on all the time. 314 00:15:24,855 --> 00:15:26,623 OK. Tell me, what do you think they're doing in there? 315 00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:28,879 I've narrowed it down to two possibilities. Okay. 316 00:15:29,075 --> 00:15:31,314 It's either a weed farm... house, 317 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,379 or they're making weapons. 318 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:37,403 Oh, my God! You need to stop this. 319 00:15:37,489 --> 00:15:40,362 We have to be vigilant. I reported my attack today 320 00:15:40,448 --> 00:15:43,231 to the police, and they didn't seem to take it seriously at all. 321 00:15:43,341 --> 00:15:44,512 No shit. 322 00:15:45,035 --> 00:15:47,590 You know, we should think about something like Dave's setup. 323 00:15:47,676 --> 00:15:51,074 I mean, obviously a bunker's insane, but maybe a panic room. 324 00:15:51,379 --> 00:15:54,184 Not a full panic room, but maybe some Kevlar curtains, 325 00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:56,957 - and, you know, soundproofing. - Oh, my God! 326 00:15:57,066 --> 00:16:00,168 - What? - Jesus, that pisses me off! 327 00:16:00,942 --> 00:16:04,028 - Look at the state of me! - You look fine! 328 00:16:04,206 --> 00:16:05,942 Oh, great. Great. 329 00:16:06,028 --> 00:16:08,684 Now I can never trust anything you say ever again. 330 00:16:08,863 --> 00:16:10,395 What the f-... 331 00:16:10,793 --> 00:16:12,895 What's a Baba Yaga? 332 00:16:12,981 --> 00:16:15,532 It's like a Russian folklore monster. 333 00:16:15,618 --> 00:16:18,051 It's a thing that lives in the woods and eats kids. 334 00:16:18,201 --> 00:16:19,583 Why were you reading about Baba Yaga? 335 00:16:19,668 --> 00:16:21,309 I'm not. I'm reading a comment 336 00:16:21,395 --> 00:16:24,481 under a picture of me. Why am I purple? 337 00:16:25,238 --> 00:16:27,692 Someone put a purple filter on me. 338 00:16:28,085 --> 00:16:29,871 Ah, come on! 339 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,856 Hey, buddy, you're back! 340 00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:38,346 - Hey, Dad. - Hi, Jeffrey. 341 00:16:38,645 --> 00:16:41,764 Yo.If you're hungry, there's halloumi burgers here. 342 00:16:41,850 --> 00:16:45,199 No, thanks. I've eaten my halloumi for the year. 343 00:16:46,223 --> 00:16:47,614 How was the show? 344 00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:50,645 My friend LaVar saw it, tonight. He said it was terrific. 345 00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:54,176 Really? Well, we had to use two understudies, 346 00:16:54,262 --> 00:16:56,541 and one of them improvised the entire second act, 347 00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:59,973 and it tanked. So, who's full of shit, you or LaVar? 348 00:17:00,059 --> 00:17:01,168 Jeffrey! 349 00:17:03,269 --> 00:17:04,653 I'm going to bed. 350 00:17:16,214 --> 00:17:17,550 That was rude! 351 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,660 Look, I'm sorry things are different. 352 00:17:20,849 --> 00:17:24,433 I'm sorry your mum and I split up, but we were unhappy, 353 00:17:24,519 --> 00:17:26,300 and we didn't want you to be around that. 354 00:17:26,465 --> 00:17:27,606 I was fine. 355 00:17:27,795 --> 00:17:29,137 And you guys might have been miserable, 356 00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:31,011 but at least you were miserable in one place, 357 00:17:31,168 --> 00:17:32,222 our home. 358 00:17:32,308 --> 00:17:34,308 Now you're just miserable in two places. 359 00:17:34,870 --> 00:17:35,878 I'm not miserable. 360 00:17:35,964 --> 00:17:39,160 You will be, because there's no way that that is gonna last. 361 00:17:39,246 --> 00:17:42,527 She'll get bored of having an old-man boyfriend and leave you, 362 00:17:42,634 --> 00:17:44,965 and then you go running back to Mom and she won't take you back, 363 00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:48,769 then the next thing you know, you'll be 50, bald, and alone. 364 00:17:49,205 --> 00:17:52,305 I'm gonna be 50 in November. How am I gonna go bald that fast? 365 00:17:52,619 --> 00:17:54,291 Are you gonna hold me down to shave my head? 366 00:17:54,376 --> 00:17:56,033 I know you're angry, but I will press charges. 367 00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,766 Don't you fucking think that I won't. 368 00:18:02,172 --> 00:18:03,662 Come here. 369 00:18:15,917 --> 00:18:19,572 I think, green ten, if for the rest of the day you wanna join beginners? 370 00:18:19,668 --> 00:18:24,173 - All right? Got a blue bib. - I'm not a beginner at working out. 371 00:18:24,387 --> 00:18:27,751 - I'm gonna stay with my friend. - It's not about killing yourself. 372 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:31,111 It's about doing your best, working up a sweat, having fun. 373 00:18:31,333 --> 00:18:33,844 I'm not here to have fun. I'm here to get rid of the fat 374 00:18:33,930 --> 00:18:37,219 around my organs, and I'm not joining beginners, OK? 375 00:18:37,305 --> 00:18:40,024 - That's humiliating. - You puked behind the tree earlier. 376 00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:43,790 Let's just see how you get on at a lighter pace. 377 00:18:43,876 --> 00:18:46,079 We don't want you having a heart attack. 378 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:50,907 Fuck this. 379 00:18:51,192 --> 00:18:52,634 Seriously... 380 00:18:52,955 --> 00:18:57,094 fuck... this pretend-army bullshit. 381 00:18:57,187 --> 00:18:58,211 Let's go, Fran. 382 00:18:58,297 --> 00:19:00,649 I've paid for a block of classes, so I'll be staying. 383 00:19:02,105 --> 00:19:05,368 And you know what? You can take down those photos 384 00:19:05,552 --> 00:19:07,227 that you put up of me on your website, 385 00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,447 - because I did not agree to those. - You posed for them. 386 00:19:09,532 --> 00:19:10,579 Yeah! 387 00:19:10,665 --> 00:19:13,243 Because I didn't know you'd be using them to humiliate me, 388 00:19:13,329 --> 00:19:16,376 did I? Manipulating them, putting joke filters on there! 389 00:19:16,461 --> 00:19:17,407 I didn't put those photos. 390 00:19:17,493 --> 00:19:21,485 Well, somebody put some sort of purple filter on there, OK? 391 00:19:21,571 --> 00:19:24,305 Like, "Ha, ha, ha. Look at this idiot, 392 00:19:24,477 --> 00:19:25,775 getting ready to have a heart attack!" 393 00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:30,141 Look, I know this is tough, OK? But that's what we're here for. 394 00:19:30,649 --> 00:19:33,516 You can do this. Six weeks ago, 395 00:19:33,784 --> 00:19:36,071 Suzy was in the same shape as you. 396 00:19:36,702 --> 00:19:38,180 Look at her now. 397 00:19:45,209 --> 00:19:46,727 Will you take the photos down? 398 00:19:48,944 --> 00:19:51,024 Will you at least disable comments? 399 00:20:12,366 --> 00:20:13,842 I called my mum yesterday. 400 00:20:13,928 --> 00:20:16,663 She told me two of my aunties died of heart disease. 401 00:20:17,254 --> 00:20:19,949 Well, you're Irish, so, what you have, like, 85 aunts? 402 00:20:20,202 --> 00:20:22,842 If only two of them died of heart disease, it's pretty good. 403 00:20:22,928 --> 00:20:25,163 Yeah, but what about my dad? He died young. 404 00:20:25,249 --> 00:20:29,553 - Well, honey, he was 70. - 70? That's nothing these days. 405 00:20:29,737 --> 00:20:33,416 It's like dying in your 40s. My parents had me in their 30s. 406 00:20:33,502 --> 00:20:37,827 I had my dad all my adult life. He knew his grand-kids, sort of. 407 00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:41,163 If I die in my 70s, my kids will barely be 30. 408 00:20:41,361 --> 00:20:44,998 They won't have had kids. No way, not millennials. 409 00:20:45,084 --> 00:20:48,538 - They don't give a shit about anyone. - Well, you can't think like that. 410 00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:51,655 I mean, maybe Frankie'll get a girl pregnant when he's 17. 411 00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,038 Well, that would be terrible. 412 00:20:54,217 --> 00:20:57,623 Would it? I mean, you'd get to know your grand-kids longer, so... 413 00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,935 I'm just sayin', nobody knows what's gonna happen. 414 00:21:01,039 --> 00:21:03,758 I just wanna live a decent while. That's all. 415 00:21:04,073 --> 00:21:06,624 I don't want my heart to pack in. 416 00:21:06,806 --> 00:21:09,709 Your heart's not gonna pack in. And, if it does, 417 00:21:09,795 --> 00:21:13,038 I'll defibrillate you. It's not even a big deal these days. 418 00:21:13,751 --> 00:21:14,917 Promise? 419 00:21:18,848 --> 00:21:19,948 OK. 420 00:21:22,446 --> 00:21:25,053 Oh, shit! Fuck! I forgot! 421 00:21:25,892 --> 00:21:27,608 I got you something. 422 00:21:31,485 --> 00:21:33,725 Aww! I miss the neck brace. 423 00:21:34,545 --> 00:21:36,584 Do you like it? Try it on! 424 00:21:41,514 --> 00:21:42,694 Take it off. 425 00:21:43,241 --> 00:21:45,452 Seriously, you look like a fisherman simpleton. 426 00:21:45,623 --> 00:21:46,569 Oh! 427 00:21:47,631 --> 00:21:50,373 I look like I'm gonna try and sell you a home-made Mooncup 428 00:21:50,531 --> 00:21:52,084 out of the back of my Subaru. 429 00:21:53,147 --> 00:21:56,842 You look like a... You look like a college poetry teacher 430 00:21:56,936 --> 00:21:58,881 who tells girls he invented the "Me Too" hashtag. 431 00:22:00,830 --> 00:22:04,125 I look like, er, one of those Dutch guys, you know? 432 00:22:04,522 --> 00:22:06,514 - Who? - Who ride the thing. 433 00:22:06,848 --> 00:22:08,827 - No. Which... - You know, they... 434 00:22:09,104 --> 00:22:13,194 Well, I can't think of the, um... Anyway, it doesn't matter. 435 00:22:24,780 --> 00:22:25,996 - That's the guy. - What? 436 00:22:26,082 --> 00:22:27,122 That's the guy who attacked me. 437 00:22:27,207 --> 00:22:28,784 - What are you doing? - Hey! Hey, asshole 438 00:22:28,869 --> 00:22:32,426 - who squirted juice in my face. - Who you calling arsehole? 439 00:22:32,782 --> 00:22:34,997 I'm calling an asshole an asshole. 440 00:22:35,633 --> 00:22:38,448 - Whoa! - You can't touch me. I'm 13. 441 00:22:38,864 --> 00:22:42,535 What? Really? Well, you're pretty tall for 13. 442 00:22:42,626 --> 00:22:45,793 You should've thought of that before you did your acidic-juice attack. 443 00:22:45,950 --> 00:22:48,645 What are you doing? You're still on probation. 444 00:22:48,731 --> 00:22:51,348 - Plus they're children. - I realise that now. 445 00:22:51,636 --> 00:22:53,989 - I'm just gonna scare 'em. - Wait... 446 00:22:54,441 --> 00:22:56,992 You know, I dunno where the heck you get off - 447 00:22:57,166 --> 00:22:59,320 Argh! Agh! Oh! 448 00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:02,140 Oh, yeah. Good one! 449 00:23:02,262 --> 00:23:04,523 Well, guess what? I'm not scared this time, 450 00:23:04,609 --> 00:23:07,570 because I know that it's... What is that - pineapple juice? 451 00:23:07,789 --> 00:23:10,015 What, are you a baby? 452 00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:12,148 Why don't you drink an adult juice? 453 00:23:12,477 --> 00:23:14,461 Whatever. 454 00:23:15,749 --> 00:23:16,961 Let's go. 455 00:23:22,403 --> 00:23:25,133 - Did you scare them? - They'll remember me. 456 00:23:25,789 --> 00:23:28,695 ♪♪ Catastrophe Theme by Oli Julian... 35750

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