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1
00:00:01,357 --> 00:00:03,093
- Ah oh!
- What?
2
00:00:03,558 --> 00:00:05,337
I miss the neck brace.
3
00:00:05,517 --> 00:00:07,378
It was like
a powerful turtleneck.
4
00:00:08,004 --> 00:00:10,499
You looked like Robert Redford
in the way we were.
5
00:00:10,667 --> 00:00:13,604
- Well...
- Should I... get a cravat?
6
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,463
You can't just go
from brace to nothing!
7
00:00:17,445 --> 00:00:18,643
So, all good?
8
00:00:18,729 --> 00:00:22,183
Yeah. Got the all-clear.
Got the clean, full bill of health.
9
00:00:22,383 --> 00:00:24,300
She even said that
my weight loss
10
00:00:24,394 --> 00:00:26,097
has made
my penis look bigger.
11
00:00:27,466 --> 00:00:29,034
Did you tell her about
the bed sweats?
12
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:31,738
- Yeah. She wasn't worried about that.
- Really?
13
00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:34,238
Did you tell her how it soaks
the whole bed now?
14
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,308
Did she not think
that's weird and gross?
15
00:00:36,458 --> 00:00:38,006
She didn't use
those words.
16
00:00:38,092 --> 00:00:40,309
Did you show her the brown thing
that just grew on your leg?
17
00:00:40,394 --> 00:00:41,855
First of all, it's beige,
18
00:00:41,946 --> 00:00:43,605
and, er...
does it bother you
19
00:00:43,691 --> 00:00:44,894
that I've been
declared healthy?
20
00:00:44,980 --> 00:00:47,050
No, it doesn't bother me
that your health.
21
00:00:47,136 --> 00:00:48,753
It's great.
22
00:00:49,199 --> 00:00:53,396
It's just interesting that you can spend
40 years inhaling sausage rolls
23
00:00:53,482 --> 00:00:55,917
and get rewarded with
a clean bill of health.
24
00:00:56,035 --> 00:00:58,652
- Good for you.
- You should get a check-up.
25
00:00:59,279 --> 00:01:00,410
I'm fine.
26
00:01:00,496 --> 00:01:02,263
Oh, are you, now?
I mean, you LOOK fine,
27
00:01:02,349 --> 00:01:04,386
but could be a mess in there.
28
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,006
- What are you laughing at?
- I'm just thinking, you know,
29
00:01:09,092 --> 00:01:11,519
one day each of us is gonna go
to the doctor and be told,
30
00:01:11,628 --> 00:01:15,995
- "I have extremely bad news."
- Jesus Christ!
31
00:01:16,894 --> 00:01:19,363
You know, I think
I'm gonna train for a ten-K.
32
00:01:19,494 --> 00:01:22,066
- Do you wanna join me?
- No.
33
00:01:22,152 --> 00:01:25,011
- Why?
- Because you fart when you run.
34
00:01:25,097 --> 00:01:28,011
Well, if you ran faster, you wouldn't
have to huff 'em, slowpoke.
35
00:01:28,190 --> 00:01:30,745
"Slowpoke"? Oh, my God!
36
00:01:30,831 --> 00:01:32,980
I totally run faster than you.
37
00:01:33,839 --> 00:01:35,355
No, you don't.
38
00:01:38,070 --> 00:01:39,824
This is ridiculous!
39
00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:44,550
It's just silly.
I'm wearing heels.
40
00:01:44,951 --> 00:01:48,558
And carrying a bag.
I wasn't even trying.
41
00:01:50,549 --> 00:01:52,488
Now I'm trying!
42
00:01:58,136 --> 00:01:59,722
I had no idea
I was so healthy.
43
00:01:59,808 --> 00:02:02,207
I'm thinking about competing
in a Masters Tournament or something.
44
00:02:02,292 --> 00:02:04,214
I don't think you qualify
for Masters Tournament
45
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:05,581
just by being old.
46
00:02:05,691 --> 00:02:07,511
I think you also
have to be good at a sport.
47
00:02:07,565 --> 00:02:09,487
Well, their loss.
48
00:02:09,612 --> 00:02:12,441
I had the full check-up myself
a few weeks back.
49
00:02:12,872 --> 00:02:14,792
Tanya wants to start trying
for a baby.
50
00:02:14,924 --> 00:02:17,386
I figured if I do it right now,
immediately,
51
00:02:17,472 --> 00:02:20,198
there's probably just enough time
for me to watch it grow up
52
00:02:20,291 --> 00:02:21,737
before I run out of steam.
53
00:02:22,294 --> 00:02:23,826
As for my haircuts,
I'm fucked.
54
00:02:23,930 --> 00:02:26,095
Wow!
Why would you do that?
55
00:02:26,220 --> 00:02:27,415
Because she wants a baby.
56
00:02:27,509 --> 00:02:28,838
I already tried to
tell her to do it
57
00:02:28,923 --> 00:02:31,009
with somebody younger,
but she likes me.
58
00:02:31,095 --> 00:02:32,790
And, you know,
she's got a good career,
59
00:02:32,884 --> 00:02:34,634
and her folks have money,
so,
60
00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:36,305
you know,
if I get Alzheimer's
61
00:02:36,391 --> 00:02:38,110
or assassinated her,
62
00:02:38,407 --> 00:02:39,890
and the wee one
should be all set.
63
00:02:39,976 --> 00:02:40,651
Mm.
64
00:02:40,737 --> 00:02:42,830
- You've really thought this through.
- Plus, Tanya's on board
65
00:02:42,915 --> 00:02:45,010
for all my sexual proclivities,
and that is not a given
66
00:02:45,095 --> 00:02:48,009
- for every woman I meet.
- Huh! Tell me about it!
67
00:02:48,095 --> 00:02:50,254
Dave and I'll start
a prayer circle for you.
68
00:02:50,498 --> 00:02:52,423
No, no.
I support older dads.
69
00:02:52,509 --> 00:02:55,438
I mean, I'm in my late 40s.
I've just had a baby.
70
00:02:55,583 --> 00:02:57,954
Um, I know I'm not
as old as you, but...
71
00:02:58,053 --> 00:02:59,759
I'm the same age
as you are, son.
72
00:03:01,125 --> 00:03:02,399
Really?!
73
00:03:03,786 --> 00:03:05,907
Oh! Hey, that reminds me.
74
00:03:05,993 --> 00:03:08,157
Got something to show you.
75
00:03:10,001 --> 00:03:11,532
Is that what we're
eating right now?
76
00:03:11,665 --> 00:03:13,017
BOTH LAUGH
77
00:03:13,836 --> 00:03:17,626
That is Mr Barnaby Honeypot,
Daphne's new pony.
78
00:03:17,755 --> 00:03:20,712
Did you ride it here?
Is it tied to a post out front?
79
00:03:21,306 --> 00:03:23,017
No! It's on our farm!
80
00:03:23,774 --> 00:03:27,549
Oh! We bought a farm... in Kent.
Yeah.
81
00:03:28,076 --> 00:03:30,379
I bought it because I don't want
Daphne getting stabbed to death
82
00:03:30,464 --> 00:03:32,839
in London.
Huh! I'm such a dad now!
83
00:03:34,316 --> 00:03:36,331
Actually,
we're going down this weekend.
84
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,260
You guys wanna come?
You can bring the kids.
85
00:03:38,346 --> 00:03:39,839
- Fuck, yeah.
- I can't this weekend.
86
00:03:39,925 --> 00:03:41,581
Tanya and I
are taking some mushrooms
87
00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,839
and going to a Renaissance fair
in Norfolk.
88
00:03:45,673 --> 00:03:46,854
What?
89
00:03:48,113 --> 00:03:50,624
I mean, I feel pretty healthy.
I feel good,
90
00:03:50,728 --> 00:03:52,887
except for
the peeing myself thing.
91
00:03:52,981 --> 00:03:54,675
I mean, it used to just happen
when I was trampolining,
92
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,964
and now it's just...
whenever as needed.
93
00:03:59,146 --> 00:04:00,832
Is there anything we could do
about that?
94
00:04:00,918 --> 00:04:02,144
God, no.
95
00:04:02,230 --> 00:04:03,918
We're probably closer to
curing cancer
96
00:04:04,004 --> 00:04:05,207
than figuring out how
the hell mothers
97
00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:06,512
not pee when they
don't want to.
98
00:04:06,597 --> 00:04:07,651
Oh.
99
00:04:07,839 --> 00:04:09,867
So, we've got your tests back.
100
00:04:09,932 --> 00:04:13,160
I'm afraid your cholesterol level
is quite high for a woman your age.
101
00:04:13,246 --> 00:04:15,723
Are you sure?
My cholesterol feels fine.
102
00:04:15,809 --> 00:04:18,168
Also, your bloods are indicating
a high level of fat
103
00:04:18,254 --> 00:04:20,783
around your organs,
and, I have to say,
104
00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:24,221
- your mobility isn't great.
- What? What does that mean?
105
00:04:24,366 --> 00:04:26,471
Er, you couldn't touch your toes
earlier.
106
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,479
Some people just can't do that.
It's like wiggling your ears
107
00:04:29,565 --> 00:04:31,400
- or moon-walking.
- But the good news is,
108
00:04:31,486 --> 00:04:34,080
your weight is within the healthy
limit for your age and height.
109
00:04:34,256 --> 00:04:36,055
So the package is
the right size,
110
00:04:36,141 --> 00:04:38,127
but what's inside
is just shit?
111
00:04:38,303 --> 00:04:40,705
No.You're saying if you took
a normal-size mannequin
112
00:04:40,791 --> 00:04:44,588
and filled it with meatballs
and margarine, that'd be me?
113
00:04:44,674 --> 00:04:45,666
That's not what I'm saying.
114
00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:48,361
Well. Medically that's
what you're saying.
115
00:04:48,673 --> 00:04:49,721
Fine.
116
00:04:51,615 --> 00:04:53,481
I just never thought of myself
117
00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:56,668
as unhealthy before.
I'm a runner.
118
00:04:56,876 --> 00:04:58,891
How are you a runner?
119
00:04:58,956 --> 00:05:00,629
I used to run
cross-country at uni.
120
00:05:00,853 --> 00:05:02,652
Yeah. I used to
build pillow forts.
121
00:05:02,738 --> 00:05:04,465
It doesn't mean
I'm currently an architect.
122
00:05:04,551 --> 00:05:07,231
Yeah, but...
muscle memory!
123
00:05:07,618 --> 00:05:10,313
Hey!
Are you going raving?
124
00:05:10,399 --> 00:05:12,974
No, running. What, I'm baby-sitting
so you can go running?
125
00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:14,746
Yeah.
Fair enough.
126
00:05:15,604 --> 00:05:18,699
You know, you should be careful.
My uncle Kevin started running
127
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:21,481
when he was your age like,
60 or whatever. He did one run
128
00:05:21,567 --> 00:05:24,622
- and collapsed and died.
- Well, that's unlikely to happen.
129
00:05:24,708 --> 00:05:27,817
Older people are better off standing
still. You get to a certain age
130
00:05:27,903 --> 00:05:30,363
and you start exercising,
you shake bad stuff loose
131
00:05:30,450 --> 00:05:32,723
and it gets in your bloodstream
and it poisons ya,
132
00:05:32,837 --> 00:05:34,988
and you just drop dead
straight away.
133
00:05:35,621 --> 00:05:37,488
OK. See you about
half seven, Anna.
134
00:05:37,574 --> 00:05:39,051
Thank you.
135
00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:46,232
- How far was that?
- Er, 2.3 miles.
136
00:05:46,318 --> 00:05:49,811
What? Miles?
Well, bloody hell!
137
00:05:50,366 --> 00:05:51,803
That's good.
138
00:05:52,905 --> 00:05:54,140
We'll get a Tube back,
though, right?
139
00:05:54,225 --> 00:05:55,413
Oh, yeah.
140
00:05:56,655 --> 00:05:58,162
So fuckin' dangerous.
141
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:02,264
What if
a kid ran out?
142
00:06:02,350 --> 00:06:03,912
Tell him
to slow down.
143
00:06:04,279 --> 00:06:05,459
Slow down.
144
00:06:07,044 --> 00:06:08,334
Argh! Oh!
145
00:06:09,133 --> 00:06:10,615
Agh!
What just happened?
146
00:06:10,701 --> 00:06:11,811
Oh, God, my eyes!
147
00:06:11,897 --> 00:06:14,428
- Agh! Oh, my God, it's acid!
- What?!
148
00:06:14,514 --> 00:06:17,326
- Rob! Rob!
- Argh!
149
00:06:17,652 --> 00:06:20,467
Oh, wait.
It tastes like juice.
150
00:06:20,641 --> 00:06:22,943
It...
No, it's just juice.
151
00:06:23,612 --> 00:06:24,812
Argh!
152
00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:27,967
Oh!
Bloody hell!
153
00:06:29,036 --> 00:06:31,568
- That was a bit dramatic!
- Oh, really?!
154
00:06:31,719 --> 00:06:35,139
Well, you didn't just have
acidic juice shot in your face.
155
00:06:37,801 --> 00:06:39,326
Fuckin' heck!
156
00:06:44,646 --> 00:06:45,926
Do you wanna start
running with me?
157
00:06:46,011 --> 00:06:47,693
Not really.
Why?
158
00:06:47,786 --> 00:06:50,787
Because I've got fatty organs,
and Rob won't run with me anymore
159
00:06:50,873 --> 00:06:52,960
because he's scared of London.
I don't wanna join a gym
160
00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:54,787
because of the mirrors.
And the people.
161
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,092
"Oh, and the smell."
162
00:06:56,226 --> 00:06:58,218
It's like every breath you take
has wiggled its way
163
00:06:58,303 --> 00:07:00,278
through 20 pairs of
sweaty buttocks.
164
00:07:01,060 --> 00:07:03,482
Do you want to come to military
fitness in the park with me?
165
00:07:03,568 --> 00:07:06,171
Yeah, yeah, sure.
How do I do that? Do I...
166
00:07:06,327 --> 00:07:07,342
PHONE BEEPS
167
00:07:08,170 --> 00:07:10,349
Fran, I'll call you back, OK?
168
00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:12,780
What's up? Are you all right?
169
00:07:12,865 --> 00:07:14,492
I'm just calling to check
that you're OK.
170
00:07:14,578 --> 00:07:16,123
- Have you seen the news?"
- No. Why?"
171
00:07:16,209 --> 00:07:17,350
There was an incident
in town.
172
00:07:17,435 --> 00:07:19,291
A guy drove a car into
a crowd of people
173
00:07:19,377 --> 00:07:20,482
in front of the M&M store.
174
00:07:20,568 --> 00:07:21,646
No, that was me.
175
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,677
I wanted some M&Ms
and I forgot my purse.
176
00:07:23,809 --> 00:07:25,771
Honey, a guy died, OK?
177
00:07:25,857 --> 00:07:28,013
There was a stampede.
It's very upsetting!
178
00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:29,656
Yeah, I tell you
what's upsetting, is
179
00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:31,435
you thought I was
at the M&M store.
180
00:07:31,521 --> 00:07:34,096
All right. Well, just
stay away from that whole area.
181
00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:37,084
What about Kinder Egg Village?
Can I go there?
182
00:08:15,724 --> 00:08:17,608
Fuck! No!
183
00:08:27,764 --> 00:08:28,951
Aah!
184
00:08:29,146 --> 00:08:33,639
SHE MOANS / GASPS
185
00:08:44,379 --> 00:08:47,155
- Same time next week.
- See you then.
186
00:08:47,395 --> 00:08:48,851
Goodbye, Douglas.
187
00:08:50,545 --> 00:08:52,218
Don't say my name.
188
00:09:03,444 --> 00:09:06,140
*CATASTROPHE*
Season 04 Episode 03
189
00:09:06,239 --> 00:09:08,678
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
190
00:09:08,825 --> 00:09:11,162
Sync corrections by srjanapala
191
00:09:12,303 --> 00:09:13,866
Welcome to paradise!
192
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:17,655
Wow!
193
00:09:18,888 --> 00:09:19,928
Mwah!
194
00:09:20,426 --> 00:09:22,506
Through here we have
the kitchen garden.
195
00:09:22,592 --> 00:09:24,225
Every vegetable
you could ever need
196
00:09:24,311 --> 00:09:26,998
err, carrots,
baby carrots,
197
00:09:27,084 --> 00:09:29,059
- purple carrots...
- Cool!
198
00:09:29,145 --> 00:09:31,733
And this... is what sealed
the deal
199
00:09:31,819 --> 00:09:33,600
when we were viewing
the place.
200
00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:36,366
- A sewer?
- No, man!
201
00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:38,913
It's a bunker!
202
00:09:42,859 --> 00:09:43,800
You wanna get in?
203
00:09:43,893 --> 00:09:46,444
Oh, no. I try never
to go in holes.
204
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,710
Caves, holes, tubes...
Not really my scene.
205
00:09:49,796 --> 00:09:51,022
You might wanna think
about it,
206
00:09:51,108 --> 00:09:52,663
with the state of the world
these days.
207
00:09:52,749 --> 00:09:54,523
I mean,
if you have a family,
208
00:09:54,959 --> 00:09:56,710
you really should have
a bunker.
209
00:09:58,062 --> 00:09:59,163
It's something to consider.
210
00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:03,145
We're not getting
a bunker!
211
00:10:05,721 --> 00:10:07,991
So, do you have Daphne strapped
to you all the time?
212
00:10:08,077 --> 00:10:09,077
Sure.
213
00:10:09,163 --> 00:10:11,265
- How do you shower?
- Oh, I have a waterproof one.
214
00:10:13,641 --> 00:10:15,671
Dave's a
very involved parent.
215
00:10:15,757 --> 00:10:17,181
There's not much for me
to do,
216
00:10:17,267 --> 00:10:19,616
outside of flopping out
the odd tit.
217
00:10:19,872 --> 00:10:23,101
Hey, it is a pleasure
and a privilege.
218
00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:24,937
Oh, I love being a dad!
219
00:10:25,023 --> 00:10:27,059
It is the highest high of all.
Am I right?
220
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:28,882
I dunno.
I feel like having kids
221
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:31,296
is like strapping yourself
to a Formula 1 race car.
222
00:10:31,382 --> 00:10:32,483
You know. Boom!
223
00:10:32,569 --> 00:10:34,812
Your life is over.
But not in a bad way.
224
00:10:34,898 --> 00:10:36,169
Yeah.
You just have
225
00:10:36,255 --> 00:10:37,484
to take everything
you ever wanted
226
00:10:37,569 --> 00:10:41,093
and put it in a box,
because you never...
227
00:10:41,747 --> 00:10:44,116
But, yeah.
It's great, you know?
228
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:47,318
So, you think this could become
a permanent move?
229
00:10:47,404 --> 00:10:48,451
- Oh, yeah.
- No.
230
00:10:48,537 --> 00:10:49,725
Ahg-hmm.
231
00:10:51,366 --> 00:10:55,171
Well, I dunno. I dunno if I want
Daphne growing up in London.
232
00:10:55,265 --> 00:10:57,815
You slip on a banana peel there,
go to the emergency room,
233
00:10:57,901 --> 00:10:59,662
it takes you six hours
to get seen
234
00:10:59,748 --> 00:11:03,170
because of all the knife victims
bleeding out all over the floors.
235
00:11:03,256 --> 00:11:05,342
Everyone at this table,
including you,
236
00:11:05,428 --> 00:11:06,811
knows that's not true.
237
00:11:06,897 --> 00:11:09,350
I dunno.
I mean, when I was attacked...
238
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,837
- With juice.
- ..with what we now know was juice...
239
00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:14,943
Well, we figured it out
pretty fast.
240
00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:17,922
All right.
Well, outside I was screaming,
241
00:11:18,081 --> 00:11:21,748
but inside, I was just, like,
"Oh, right. Now this. Yeah."
242
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:24,865
It's like there's this
low-level feeling of menace there
243
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:27,850
that we've all gotten used to,
but that I never really noticed
244
00:11:27,936 --> 00:11:30,151
- before the attack.
- It was juice!
245
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,319
Look, I don't care if MY face
gets melted, you know?
246
00:11:33,405 --> 00:11:34,893
- I'm married.
- Hang on. I...
247
00:11:34,979 --> 00:11:36,912
I care if your face gets
melted.
248
00:11:36,998 --> 00:11:39,358
- I have to look at you.
- Well, no. All I'm saying is,
249
00:11:39,444 --> 00:11:43,219
I care more if our kids' faces
get melted, you know?
250
00:11:43,323 --> 00:11:45,349
I don't want my kids' faces
to get melted.
251
00:11:45,435 --> 00:11:46,803
That's
all I'm saying.
252
00:11:48,936 --> 00:11:50,803
Why'd you buy
a baby a pony?
253
00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:54,897
What...?
254
00:11:55,263 --> 00:12:00,350
So, Chris and the buxom ingenue
went away for the weekend.
255
00:12:00,557 --> 00:12:03,428
Jeffrey chose to stay with
his friend Toby instead of me,
256
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,670
- which I found devastating.
- Mm.
257
00:12:05,950 --> 00:12:07,990
So, that's something
you've got to look forward to
258
00:12:08,076 --> 00:12:11,147
when your kids get older, and
they throw you out in the rubbish,
259
00:12:11,233 --> 00:12:14,506
- the coffee grounds and fish heads.
- He'll come back to you.
260
00:12:14,789 --> 00:12:16,983
- It's probably just a phase, right?
- Yeah.
261
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:22,264
Anyway, I've got my volunteer work.
I've got my loom.
262
00:12:23,273 --> 00:12:26,748
And Douglas is keeping me occupied,
texting me.
263
00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:30,014
Like an eager puppy since we started
that little game.
264
00:12:30,827 --> 00:12:32,952
A puppy
with a throbbing human penis.
265
00:12:33,038 --> 00:12:37,723
Ah, Jesus, Fran!
It's all a bit Apple Tree Yard, isn't it?
266
00:12:37,889 --> 00:12:39,589
No.
267
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,262
The sex is, like...
268
00:12:42,989 --> 00:12:45,325
Everything about him,
I mean physically, is just...
269
00:12:45,419 --> 00:12:48,457
- Even his scrotum's attractive.
- How can you say that?
270
00:12:48,624 --> 00:12:51,079
The scrotum's a design flaw.
271
00:12:51,488 --> 00:12:54,447
You ask ten women what the worst
thing they saw in their life was,
272
00:12:54,738 --> 00:12:56,910
for eight of them
it'll be scrotum-related.
273
00:12:56,996 --> 00:12:59,934
Well, I like what I like.
274
00:13:00,130 --> 00:13:02,364
- I don't follow the herd.
- Girls, we like to talk!
275
00:13:02,450 --> 00:13:04,739
Green 12,
squat jumps the length of the cones.
276
00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:07,082
Green seven,
you can skip.
277
00:13:07,873 --> 00:13:09,373
All right.
278
00:13:16,676 --> 00:13:18,769
Engage your core
while you skip.
279
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:21,105
- What?
- Engage your core.
280
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,480
- Yeah.
- Flex it!
281
00:13:23,801 --> 00:13:25,464
- Tighten it!
- I am!
282
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:28,553
Fucking hell!
Can you make it harder than that?
283
00:13:28,639 --> 00:13:32,128
- No!
- OK. Green 12, you can start skipping.
284
00:13:32,264 --> 00:13:34,003
Green seven, burpees.
285
00:13:44,877 --> 00:13:46,948
What are you doing?
Why are you taking photos?
286
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:50,290
- For my Facebook page.
- Well, hang on. Just let me...
287
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:05,009
His face was blurry
because he was on a moped,
288
00:14:05,264 --> 00:14:06,798
and, you know,
I had juice in my eyes.
289
00:14:06,884 --> 00:14:10,860
Right. And I don't wanna sound
bigoted, but he was brown.
290
00:14:11,032 --> 00:14:14,392
Er, Mediterranean brown,
not, like, Muslim brown.
291
00:14:14,563 --> 00:14:16,759
Um, I can't say
that he wasn't Muslim,
292
00:14:16,845 --> 00:14:19,728
but I don't care.
That's not my angle.
293
00:14:19,844 --> 00:14:23,360
Um, is there a statute of limitations
for a crime like this?
294
00:14:23,497 --> 00:14:25,681
Well, I'm more comfortable
calling it a prank.
295
00:14:25,828 --> 00:14:28,024
All right. Well,
whatever you wanna file it under.
296
00:14:28,110 --> 00:14:30,814
I think I'm gonna file it
under juice.
297
00:14:31,008 --> 00:14:34,642
It was juice this time. I mean,
I think it could've been a rehearsal,
298
00:14:34,868 --> 00:14:36,595
you know, pre-calculated.
299
00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:39,761
I think it might've been a rehearsal
for a bigger plan.
300
00:14:39,874 --> 00:14:41,798
You know, they did that for 9/11.
301
00:14:41,910 --> 00:14:46,965
- Do you work in security?
- No. Pharmaceuticals.
302
00:14:56,134 --> 00:14:57,635
Hey!
303
00:15:00,124 --> 00:15:01,247
What are you doing?
304
00:15:01,348 --> 00:15:03,279
I just saw one of those guys
from the house next door
305
00:15:03,364 --> 00:15:05,483
- that you were worried about.
- What guys?
306
00:15:05,852 --> 00:15:07,223
When was I worried
about them?
307
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,212
Don't you think
there's something up with them?
308
00:15:09,298 --> 00:15:10,434
I mean, who are they?
309
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,200
It's a gang of guys living together.
They're not gay.
310
00:15:13,286 --> 00:15:16,169
- How do you know?
- I've never seen 'em do one gay thing!
311
00:15:16,255 --> 00:15:19,419
- Have you ever seen 'em kiss?
- Have they ever seen US kiss?
312
00:15:19,505 --> 00:15:22,169
OK. Here's the thing.
They come and they go.
313
00:15:22,448 --> 00:15:24,762
They have that bright
fluorescent light on all the time.
314
00:15:24,855 --> 00:15:26,623
OK. Tell me, what do you think
they're doing in there?
315
00:15:26,708 --> 00:15:28,879
I've narrowed it down to
two possibilities. Okay.
316
00:15:29,075 --> 00:15:31,314
It's either a weed
farm... house,
317
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,379
or they're making weapons.
318
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:37,403
Oh, my God!
You need to stop this.
319
00:15:37,489 --> 00:15:40,362
We have to be vigilant.
I reported my attack today
320
00:15:40,448 --> 00:15:43,231
to the police, and they didn't seem
to take it seriously at all.
321
00:15:43,341 --> 00:15:44,512
No shit.
322
00:15:45,035 --> 00:15:47,590
You know, we should think
about something like Dave's setup.
323
00:15:47,676 --> 00:15:51,074
I mean, obviously a bunker's insane,
but maybe a panic room.
324
00:15:51,379 --> 00:15:54,184
Not a full panic room,
but maybe some Kevlar curtains,
325
00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:56,957
- and, you know, soundproofing.
- Oh, my God!
326
00:15:57,066 --> 00:16:00,168
- What?
- Jesus, that pisses me off!
327
00:16:00,942 --> 00:16:04,028
- Look at the state of me!
- You look fine!
328
00:16:04,206 --> 00:16:05,942
Oh, great. Great.
329
00:16:06,028 --> 00:16:08,684
Now I can never trust
anything you say ever again.
330
00:16:08,863 --> 00:16:10,395
What the f-...
331
00:16:10,793 --> 00:16:12,895
What's a Baba Yaga?
332
00:16:12,981 --> 00:16:15,532
It's like
a Russian folklore monster.
333
00:16:15,618 --> 00:16:18,051
It's a thing that lives in the woods
and eats kids.
334
00:16:18,201 --> 00:16:19,583
Why were you reading
about Baba Yaga?
335
00:16:19,668 --> 00:16:21,309
I'm not.
I'm reading a comment
336
00:16:21,395 --> 00:16:24,481
under a picture of me.
Why am I purple?
337
00:16:25,238 --> 00:16:27,692
Someone put a purple filter
on me.
338
00:16:28,085 --> 00:16:29,871
Ah, come on!
339
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,856
Hey, buddy,
you're back!
340
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:38,346
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Jeffrey.
341
00:16:38,645 --> 00:16:41,764
Yo.If you're hungry,
there's halloumi burgers here.
342
00:16:41,850 --> 00:16:45,199
No, thanks.
I've eaten my halloumi for the year.
343
00:16:46,223 --> 00:16:47,614
How was the show?
344
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:50,645
My friend LaVar saw it, tonight.
He said it was terrific.
345
00:16:51,083 --> 00:16:54,176
Really?
Well, we had to use two understudies,
346
00:16:54,262 --> 00:16:56,541
and one of them improvised
the entire second act,
347
00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:59,973
and it tanked. So,
who's full of shit, you or LaVar?
348
00:17:00,059 --> 00:17:01,168
Jeffrey!
349
00:17:03,269 --> 00:17:04,653
I'm going to bed.
350
00:17:16,214 --> 00:17:17,550
That was rude!
351
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,660
Look,
I'm sorry things are different.
352
00:17:20,849 --> 00:17:24,433
I'm sorry your mum and I split up,
but we were unhappy,
353
00:17:24,519 --> 00:17:26,300
and we didn't want you
to be around that.
354
00:17:26,465 --> 00:17:27,606
I was fine.
355
00:17:27,795 --> 00:17:29,137
And you guys might have
been miserable,
356
00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:31,011
but at least you were miserable
in one place,
357
00:17:31,168 --> 00:17:32,222
our home.
358
00:17:32,308 --> 00:17:34,308
Now you're just miserable
in two places.
359
00:17:34,870 --> 00:17:35,878
I'm not miserable.
360
00:17:35,964 --> 00:17:39,160
You will be, because there's no way
that that is gonna last.
361
00:17:39,246 --> 00:17:42,527
She'll get bored of having
an old-man boyfriend and leave you,
362
00:17:42,634 --> 00:17:44,965
and then you go running back to Mom
and she won't take you back,
363
00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:48,769
then the next thing you know,
you'll be 50, bald, and alone.
364
00:17:49,205 --> 00:17:52,305
I'm gonna be 50 in November.
How am I gonna go bald that fast?
365
00:17:52,619 --> 00:17:54,291
Are you gonna hold me down
to shave my head?
366
00:17:54,376 --> 00:17:56,033
I know you're angry,
but I will press charges.
367
00:17:56,118 --> 00:17:57,766
Don't you
fucking think that I won't.
368
00:18:02,172 --> 00:18:03,662
Come here.
369
00:18:15,917 --> 00:18:19,572
I think, green ten, if for the rest
of the day you wanna join beginners?
370
00:18:19,668 --> 00:18:24,173
- All right? Got a blue bib.
- I'm not a beginner at working out.
371
00:18:24,387 --> 00:18:27,751
- I'm gonna stay with my friend.
- It's not about killing yourself.
372
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:31,111
It's about doing your best,
working up a sweat, having fun.
373
00:18:31,333 --> 00:18:33,844
I'm not here to have fun.
I'm here to get rid of the fat
374
00:18:33,930 --> 00:18:37,219
around my organs,
and I'm not joining beginners, OK?
375
00:18:37,305 --> 00:18:40,024
- That's humiliating.
- You puked behind the tree earlier.
376
00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:43,790
Let's just see how you get on
at a lighter pace.
377
00:18:43,876 --> 00:18:46,079
We don't want you
having a heart attack.
378
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:50,907
Fuck this.
379
00:18:51,192 --> 00:18:52,634
Seriously...
380
00:18:52,955 --> 00:18:57,094
fuck... this pretend-army bullshit.
381
00:18:57,187 --> 00:18:58,211
Let's go, Fran.
382
00:18:58,297 --> 00:19:00,649
I've paid for a block of classes,
so I'll be staying.
383
00:19:02,105 --> 00:19:05,368
And you know what?
You can take down those photos
384
00:19:05,552 --> 00:19:07,227
that you put up of me
on your website,
385
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,447
- because I did not agree to those.
- You posed for them.
386
00:19:09,532 --> 00:19:10,579
Yeah!
387
00:19:10,665 --> 00:19:13,243
Because I didn't know
you'd be using them to humiliate me,
388
00:19:13,329 --> 00:19:16,376
did I? Manipulating them,
putting joke filters on there!
389
00:19:16,461 --> 00:19:17,407
I didn't put those photos.
390
00:19:17,493 --> 00:19:21,485
Well, somebody put some
sort of purple filter on there, OK?
391
00:19:21,571 --> 00:19:24,305
Like,
"Ha, ha, ha. Look at this idiot,
392
00:19:24,477 --> 00:19:25,775
getting ready to have
a heart attack!"
393
00:19:25,860 --> 00:19:30,141
Look, I know this is tough, OK?
But that's what we're here for.
394
00:19:30,649 --> 00:19:33,516
You can do this.
Six weeks ago,
395
00:19:33,784 --> 00:19:36,071
Suzy was in the same shape
as you.
396
00:19:36,702 --> 00:19:38,180
Look at her now.
397
00:19:45,209 --> 00:19:46,727
Will you take the photos down?
398
00:19:48,944 --> 00:19:51,024
Will you at least
disable comments?
399
00:20:12,366 --> 00:20:13,842
I called my mum yesterday.
400
00:20:13,928 --> 00:20:16,663
She told me two of my aunties died
of heart disease.
401
00:20:17,254 --> 00:20:19,949
Well, you're Irish, so,
what you have, like, 85 aunts?
402
00:20:20,202 --> 00:20:22,842
If only two of them died of
heart disease, it's pretty good.
403
00:20:22,928 --> 00:20:25,163
Yeah, but what about my dad?
He died young.
404
00:20:25,249 --> 00:20:29,553
- Well, honey, he was 70.
- 70? That's nothing these days.
405
00:20:29,737 --> 00:20:33,416
It's like dying in your 40s.
My parents had me in their 30s.
406
00:20:33,502 --> 00:20:37,827
I had my dad all my adult life.
He knew his grand-kids, sort of.
407
00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:41,163
If I die in my 70s,
my kids will barely be 30.
408
00:20:41,361 --> 00:20:44,998
They won't have had kids.
No way, not millennials.
409
00:20:45,084 --> 00:20:48,538
- They don't give a shit about anyone.
- Well, you can't think like that.
410
00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:51,655
I mean, maybe Frankie'll get a girl
pregnant when he's 17.
411
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,038
Well, that would be terrible.
412
00:20:54,217 --> 00:20:57,623
Would it? I mean, you'd get to know
your grand-kids longer, so...
413
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:00,935
I'm just sayin',
nobody knows what's gonna happen.
414
00:21:01,039 --> 00:21:03,758
I just wanna live a decent while.
That's all.
415
00:21:04,073 --> 00:21:06,624
I don't want my heart to pack in.
416
00:21:06,806 --> 00:21:09,709
Your heart's not gonna pack in.
And, if it does,
417
00:21:09,795 --> 00:21:13,038
I'll defibrillate you.
It's not even a big deal these days.
418
00:21:13,751 --> 00:21:14,917
Promise?
419
00:21:18,848 --> 00:21:19,948
OK.
420
00:21:22,446 --> 00:21:25,053
Oh, shit! Fuck!
I forgot!
421
00:21:25,892 --> 00:21:27,608
I got you something.
422
00:21:31,485 --> 00:21:33,725
Aww!
I miss the neck brace.
423
00:21:34,545 --> 00:21:36,584
Do you like it? Try it on!
424
00:21:41,514 --> 00:21:42,694
Take it off.
425
00:21:43,241 --> 00:21:45,452
Seriously,
you look like a fisherman simpleton.
426
00:21:45,623 --> 00:21:46,569
Oh!
427
00:21:47,631 --> 00:21:50,373
I look like I'm gonna try and sell
you a home-made Mooncup
428
00:21:50,531 --> 00:21:52,084
out of the back of my Subaru.
429
00:21:53,147 --> 00:21:56,842
You look like a...
You look like a college poetry teacher
430
00:21:56,936 --> 00:21:58,881
who tells girls he invented
the "Me Too" hashtag.
431
00:22:00,830 --> 00:22:04,125
I look like, er,
one of those Dutch guys, you know?
432
00:22:04,522 --> 00:22:06,514
- Who?
- Who ride the thing.
433
00:22:06,848 --> 00:22:08,827
- No. Which...
- You know, they...
434
00:22:09,104 --> 00:22:13,194
Well, I can't think of the, um...
Anyway, it doesn't matter.
435
00:22:24,780 --> 00:22:25,996
- That's the guy.
- What?
436
00:22:26,082 --> 00:22:27,122
That's the guy who attacked me.
437
00:22:27,207 --> 00:22:28,784
- What are you doing?
- Hey! Hey, asshole
438
00:22:28,869 --> 00:22:32,426
- who squirted juice in my face.
- Who you calling arsehole?
439
00:22:32,782 --> 00:22:34,997
I'm calling an asshole
an asshole.
440
00:22:35,633 --> 00:22:38,448
- Whoa!
- You can't touch me. I'm 13.
441
00:22:38,864 --> 00:22:42,535
What? Really?
Well, you're pretty tall for 13.
442
00:22:42,626 --> 00:22:45,793
You should've thought of that before
you did your acidic-juice attack.
443
00:22:45,950 --> 00:22:48,645
What are you doing?
You're still on probation.
444
00:22:48,731 --> 00:22:51,348
- Plus they're children.
- I realise that now.
445
00:22:51,636 --> 00:22:53,989
- I'm just gonna scare 'em.
- Wait...
446
00:22:54,441 --> 00:22:56,992
You know,
I dunno where the heck you get off -
447
00:22:57,166 --> 00:22:59,320
Argh! Agh! Oh!
448
00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:02,140
Oh, yeah. Good one!
449
00:23:02,262 --> 00:23:04,523
Well, guess what?
I'm not scared this time,
450
00:23:04,609 --> 00:23:07,570
because I know that it's...
What is that - pineapple juice?
451
00:23:07,789 --> 00:23:10,015
What, are you a baby?
452
00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:12,148
Why don't you drink
an adult juice?
453
00:23:12,477 --> 00:23:14,461
Whatever.
454
00:23:15,749 --> 00:23:16,961
Let's go.
455
00:23:22,403 --> 00:23:25,133
- Did you scare them?
- They'll remember me.
456
00:23:25,789 --> 00:23:28,695
♪♪ Catastrophe Theme
by Oli Julian...
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