All language subtitles for Lucky Numbers (2000) 1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]-English

( rock music playing )

WOMAN: One, two.
One, two, three, four!

♪ I've been out of the woods
For six days and nights now ♪

♪ And I'm a little hard-wired
But I'm feeling
All right now ♪

♪ I got some money in my pocket
And I won't need a ride
Yeah ♪

♪ Got a big-jetted car
And a baby by my side, yeah ♪

♪ Well, I'm a little hard-wired
But I'm feeling okay ♪

♪ And I got a little lost
Out along the way ♪

♪ But I'm just
Around the corner
To the light of day ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm just around the corner
To the light of day, yeah ♪

♪ I'm drivin' 500 miles
Got 500 to go, yeah ♪

♪ I've got rock 'n' roll music
On my radio ♪♪

Look, Debbie!

Oh, my God, hi!
How are you?

We watch your show all the time.
Good to see you.

Thank you. Thank you.
All right. You have a good day.

( all screaming ):
Bye!

MAN:
They say the only luck
is the luck you make.

In the winter of '88,
I was the luckiest man alive.

I had it all-- fame, fortune
and my own parking space...

at Harrisburg's
trendiest bistro.

I would have done anything
to keep it all.

And, unfortunately,
I did.

Jack, how are ya?
Good morning, Mr. Richards.

Did you get a haircut?
Oh, yes.

Yeah, it looks good.
Don't get too good-looking.
I'll be out of a job.

( chuckles ): Oh, how about
this winter weather, eh?

Farmer's Almanac
sure didn't get it
right this year.

"Caterpillar in June,
cold winter soon."
That's what they said.

Well, amateurs, jack.
Hillbilly folklore,
that's all it is.

You should write
your own almanac,
Mr. Richards.

Something people
could believe in.

Maybe one day I will, Jack.
Maybe one day I will.

Enjoy your breakfast.
Good morning.

Wendy, how are you?
Just fine.

Yeah. How's the cold?
Oh, it's just allergies,
I think.

Really? Oh, not allergic
to me, are you?

No. ( laughs )
I don't think so.

You're so bad.
Guilty as charged.

I'll be right back
with your cantaloupe
and egg whites.

Okay. You pick me a ripe one.
Excuse me, Mr. Richards.

I'm sorry to bother you,
but can I get a picture?

Well, sure.
It's my son's birthday,

and he saw you walk in.

What's your name, Skipper?
Sam.

Sam. Well, you're
a big fella, Samarino.

How old are you today?
Twenty-seven?

( chuckles ):
I'm five.

Five? Well,
how's the wife?

All right.
Happy birthday.

Thanks for coming by. All right.
Thank you.

Oh, you gotta love it.
Wow.

You're Russ Richards,
aren't you?

Last time I checked.
Well, hello!

Hi. Here.

Let me guess.
Mmm. It's a resume
of some sort,

and you're looking for a job
in broadcasting.

Yeah, just read it.
Asshole.

You are Mr. Lucky today.

I found you the ripest melon
in Harrisburg.

CHIPMUNKS:
♪ Christmas don't be late ♪♪
Fuck!

ANNOUNCER:
Live from Harrisburg
and News Center Six.

Covering Harrisburg, York,
Lancaster and Lebanon,

it's News at Five with
Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...

and Russ Richards
with the weather.

This is News at Five.

MAN: Good evening.
A Perry County teacher
is behind bars tonight...

for allegedly locking
an unruly student
in a broom closet.

That story coming up.

But first, let's check in
with the weather center...

to see if these beautiful
spring-like temperatures
will continue.

Russ?
Yes, it's the middle
of December,

and we still have more
60-degree weather
heading our way.

Now don't panic, folks.
You're not in the twilight zone.

( humming theme
from Twilight Zone )

Now, on the downside,
if the weather gets any nicer,

my Aunt Mildred could move back
from Ft. Lauderdale.

Just kidding.
A wonderful woman.

Anyhoo, I'll be back
with a complete forecast
a little later.

Take it, Dan.

Thanks, Russ.
We'll check in with you later.

MAN:
And now the fourth.

WOMAN:
Eleven.

MAN:
And the fifth number, please.

Hi, Russ.
WOMAN: Thirty.

Hey, Dottie.
How are you?

Oh, still struggling
with the diet.
Oh, yeah?

Don't get too thin.
It's not good for you.

Eight.

MAN:
And there you have it.

Tonight's Pennsylvania
lottery number: 19, 47,

3, 11, 30, 8.

If you have it,
come and get it.

If not,
better luck next time.
Back to you, Dan.

We gonna talk about this?
There's nothing
to talk about, cochise.

I told you no more loans.
Penn Fed's down the street.
This is not--

This is not--

This is not a loan, this is
an advance. Stop acting like
it's coming out of your pocket.

If you didn't piss
your money away, you
wouldn't need an advance.

Now what is it this week--
racquetball courts?
Peewee golf?

Snowmobiles. You know it.
I told you that.

Jesus Christ.
It's exhausting with you.

Snowmobiles. How's business?

When this heat wave ends,
I'm golden.

Well, you're the weatherman.
End it.
( groans )

Where the hell is he?
Crystal!

How many times do I have to tell
those guys about the cables?

I almost broke my fucking neck
on live television!

Yeah.

Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize you were
in the middle of a meeting.

No, it's okay.
It's okay. Calm down.

Calm down.
You know--

Come with me.
I have to leave, of course.

I talked to them
about this thing.
It's never gonna happen again.

All right? Just relax.
It's not gonna happen again.

Hi, boss.
Hello. How you doing, Bobby?

I can't do
the Olive Garden tonight.

( scoffs ): My wife invited
a few people over.

I've gotta eat at home.
That's just great, Dick.

No, you know what?
I am tired of this bullshit.

Hey, hey, hey.
Easy. Come on.

Remember, we got
that affiliates thing
coming up.

Uh-huh.
Six days in Hawaii.

Mm-hmm.
Eating like pigs.

Christ, you got
some body on you.

( giggles ): Tell me something
I don't know.

Do we have anything else
to talk about? I think
we're through here.

Unless you
want to torture me about
the fucking weather chopper.

Like that was a bad idea.
Weather chopper?

Come on, I'm a weatherman.
You know what the truth is?

I feel bad for you, Dick.
I do.

Because one day
you're gonna wake up,
and you're gonna realize...

that you had a diamond
in the palm of your hand
and you let it slip away.

To where, Atlantic city?

Oh, that's what this is about.
To be a big game show host.

That's right.
I hear everything.

I'm like a satellite
in outer space.
Did you get your audition?

My agent is all over it.
Right.

RUSS:
Mace Kornberg, please.

Yes, this is Russ Richards.
Mm-hmm.

You know, this is getting
a little ridiculous.

I've already left,
like, five messages.

All right, your boss,
Mace Kornberg,
saw me on TV, okay?

He loved me, okay?
He wants to represent me.

We-- we sat at
my personal booth at Denny's...

for over an hour,
and I told him
all about myself.

And now for some reason,
he's not returning
my phone calls.

Well, what part of that
was too long?

Well, just-- just tell him that
Russ Richards called, okay?
Thank you.

( sighs )

What's happening?
Still not there?

Nah, but, you know,
the whole agency
is out for the week.

A retreat or something.
What's a retreat?

Oh, I'm not sure,
but I think it's
a religious thing.

Hey, I got some
great news for you.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah, remember I told you
about my brother's car,
the one that was in a wreck?

For the sake of expediency,
I am going to say yes.

Well, he's finally ready
to sell it.

It's all pounded out,
repainted, and ready to go.

Beautiful lime-green finish.
Looks just like a popsicle.

Now, Larry,
is there some reason
that I should know this?

Well, just if you decide
the Jag is too much
of an extravagance, you know.

I'm not selling the Jag.

I'd sell my body parts
to South America
before I'd sell that Jag.

Okay. You're the boss.

Yeah, I am the boss.
And here's another
news flash for you.

I'm not losing
the house either.

You know what you laymen
fail to realize?

It's not about
the snowmobiles. Come on.

It's about the weather, okay?

One cold front,
a little moist air, and bam!

Yeah, I'm Rockefeller.
I'm on Broadway.
I'm doing the cha-cha-cha.

Yeah!

( moaning ):
Oh, God!

Oh, whip me forever!
Oh! Oh! Oh!

( both moaning )

( Russ sighs )

Boy, whew!
That is always
such a treat.

Oh, with Dick, it's like
having sex with a sloth.

Don't put that image
in my head.

Here. Try this
just one time.

No.
Yeah, it'll help you relax.

No! I don't even
want a contact high.
It makes me nauseous.

You shouldn't even
be smoking it.
You're the lotto girl.

You practically work
for the state.
Put it out.

Okay, I'm putting it out.

I have a question to ask you.
Yeah?

If you had an agent,
and you tried to get him
for two weeks,

you tried eight times and
he didn't return your call,
what would you think?

Um--
Huh?

I can't relate.
I've never had a guy
not call me back.

Oh!
I just don't get it.

When I met-- I met this guy,
he was-- he was gushing.

He wanted to do this for me,
he wanted to do that.

I've had my ass kissed,
but this was really special.

So, he is officially your agent,
right? It's not like
you just had that one meeting.

It's splitting hairs
here, you know.

I mean, it was clear
he wanted to sign me.

You know what
he said to me?

He said that I delivered
the weather forecast
with a Shakespearean flair.

( chuckles ): Was he drunk?

No, he wasn't drunk.
What's wrong with you?

Look. If the guy's
not returning your calls,
then fire his ass.

Just hire someone else.
What's the biggie?

Do you know
who Mace Kornberg is?
Uh-uh.

Do you have any idea of
the pedigree of this man?
No.

Here's a little primer
for you.

He only handled Gene Rayburn
at the height of the Match Game.

That's all.

Wow. All right,
so he is kind of a big shot.

Yeah, congratulations.
You just won the Cutlass.

I wouldn't be caught dead
driving a Cutlass, thank you.
I'll trade it in.

Well, how about
door number two?

Old reliable.

( giggles ): Wait.

You're in a very small,
select group of guys.

What is it that makes you
successful...

and all the others
knocking on the doors
not so successful?

Well, I'm not so sure.
You know, as I travel
around the country,

I see on television,
I see guys that would make
good game show hosts.

But I don't tell them.

No. I think, to me,
the analogy is a game show host
is the icing on the cake,

but the format
is the cake.

Yeah, format is the cake.
To me, Dick Clark,

for all the things
he does, is an outstanding
game show host.

He stays out of the way.
He lets the format work.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's your host, Russ Richards!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's your host, Russ Richards!

( TV continues, indistinct )

So, Russ, it sounds like
we can keep those scarves
and mittens...

in mothballs
a while longer then.

That's what it sounds
like, Dan.

And the sleds and snowmobiles
can stay in the garage.

That is correct, Heidi.
I think we all get the point.

DAN: Thanks, Russ.
We'll check in with you later.

( answering machine beeps )
Hello. You have one message.

( beep )

MAN:
Uh, yes. This message
is for Rob Richards.

This is Sandy from
the Gabler-Kornberg agency.

I'm sorry no one got back
to you sooner, but we were
away on a retreat.

Apology accepted, Sandy.

Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know...

that Mr. Kornberg is dead.

He passed away
around eight months ago.

Oh!
I'm sure had he not,
he would've returned your call.

Oh, jeez!
For what it's worth,
he went quickly.

Yeah. Yep.
Bye-bye.

( beep )
That was your last message.

( sighs ): Yep,
that was my last message.

( rock music playing )

Russ, let me get
this straight.
You don't drink.

You don't do coke.
You're not a pussy hound.

Well, what the fuck
did you blow your money on?

It just--
It just went, okay?

Does it matter?
What was that?

That's Carla,
the human cannon.

Oh, she's good.
She's Dutch.

Russ, we go way back.
Right.

And I like you.
I do. I'm a fan.
But 25 grand.

I just don't think
I can lay my hands on
that kind of money.

Oh.
Especially now.

I'm going through
a very messy divorce.

I'm sure you understand.
Sure.

I do now.

Okay. Take care, Gig.
Thanks a lot. Take care.

Hypothetically speaking though,
it's not like you're a man
without options.

What do you mean?

Well, you do have options.

What are they?
Come. Speak up. Hello?

Take your glasses off.

( hums )
Well, what is that?

Russ, I assume you have
insurance on your dealership.

Yeah, so?

Don't you think now would be
the appropriate time to,
you know,

make a few claims on, you know,
some of those premiums?

Oh, God. Oh, jeez!

Are you talking
about arson?

The last thing you
want to get involved
with, mate, is arson.

Well, that's right.
Yes, of course not.

No, the way to beat
an insurance company these days
is with a phony robbery.

Oh, God.
( scoffs )

You are veering in that
direction. That makes me
very uncomfortable, Gig.

First of-- look.
If I weren't, okay,
the president of the Rotary,

the vice president
of the Sunshiny Day Club...

and I'm a Big Brother, Gig.

Russ, it's your money.

( sighs )

The insurance company
is earning interest off it.

I mean, the whole
"man of the people,"
nice guy thing,

it's very quaint,
but don't you think it's time
to put a cap on it, hmm?

( exhales )

Well, how would it work?

You know, like, you know,
hypothetically speaking.

How would, you know,
how would it go down?

Well, it's nothing.
No?

If I were to put it
in medical terms...

where you would
equate brain surgery
with a bank robbery,

this would be like a visit
to the podiatrist.

Hmm.
And it just so happens...

I have an acquaintance
named Dale who is a specialist
in this sort of thing.

It's a very simple
procedure, Russ.

The whole thing would take...
40 minutes.

Forty? Wow.

Forty minutes, tops.

Dale arrives at your dealership
on a prearranged night
with his crew.

MAN:
♪ It's so easy to blow up
Your problems ♪♪

( music continues )
Finds his way inside.

Leaves the telltale signs
of a break-in...

and gains entrance.

Then it's just a simple matter
of getting the sleds
out the back door.

I mean, the actual extraction
process is the easiest bit.

And, uh, that's that.

All that's left is between
you and your insurance company.

End of story.
Easy as pie.

I, of course, would command
you know, the standard
20% consultation fee.

I figured that.
You know, it's up to you, Russ.

I mean, only you know
if you're ready for
something like this.

That visit to the podiatrist.

Well, it's like removing
a bunion or something.

An ingrown toenail,
at the very most.

Funny. Okay. Okay.
Well, make the call then.

Good choice.

♪ I was in the right place
But it must have been
The wrong time ♪

♪ I was saying the right things
But I must have used
The wrong line ♪

♪ I was on the right trip ♪
All right.

Let's do this cocksucker.

( music continues )
All right.
Let's do it.

♪ I've been runnin', tryin'
To get hung up in my mind ♪

This is so cool.
You can just come in here
anytime you want.

Yeah, I got the keys,
don't I?

All right. This one's
for Charlie Hustle, okay?

The pricks wanna keep him
out of Cooperstown?

♪ I was in the wrong place
But it must have been
The right time ♪

Home run.
♪ I was in the right place ♪

It's happening
right this second.
Send a squad car now!

♪ I was in the right world
But it seemed like a wrong
Wrong, wrong, wrong ♪♪

( sirens wailing )
Come on. Move it!

Let me just ask you
one question, your honor.
Where's my bat?

Don't worry about
your bat, asshole.

( phone ringing )

( ring )

Yeah?
I'm gonna break
your fuckin' face, man.

What?
You better have
a bag of money down here...

the split fuckin' second
they set bail, or I'm going to
tell them who hired me.

Who is this?
I also want an extra ten grand
for pain and suffering.

Are we clear, weatherman?
No, we're not clear.

We're the furthest thing
from clear.

I don't even know
who you are.

Look. A second ago
I was asleep.

And two seconds ago,
I was in a blueberry field
with my mother,

and we were getting
along really well.

Save that bullshit
for your psychiatrist.
I want my ten grand.

Stop it!
Stop saying that!

I don't have ten grand
to give you.
Oh, no?

You'd better sell something
or kill someone.
I don't care!

You just get me
my fucking money!

What--
( dial tone )

( sighs )

Okay, Russ.
It's gonna be a better day.

WOMAN: Russ Richards! Hi!
How are you?

Merry Christmas.

Okay. Mmm.

Scoop-a-doop, Russ, love.
What are you doing here?

Problem.
What?

Dale the thug's getting
a bit pissy about his ten grand.

Dale the thug?
Dale the thug?

That's his nickname?
When did that happen?
Yeah.

Oh, that's childhood issues.
Trust me, you don't wanna know.

He was fine for a day or two,
but now he's had time to stew,
you see?

Good morning.
What can I get you?

Can I have coffee?
But with whole milk.
Okay.

And do you have those
little apple pastries?
Wendy.

The apple pastries
with the cinnamon swirls.
He's not staying.

He's leaving, okay?
Okay.

Okay. All right.
Thanks for asking.

( giggling )

I cannot be seen with you.
I am a public figure.

Russ, you don't return my calls.
I'm doing you the favor.

And if there's a Dale the thug
issue on the table,
time tends to be of the essence.

Gig, I'm tapped out.
All the money I got for the Jag,
I barely covered his bail.

I am not having this
conversation here with you.

Th-there's an omelette named
after me, for God's sake!

What's in it?
You leave that alone!

You leave and just go!

Really? Really.
I'll follow you. Yes!

Hmm. Well, I'll--

Um, Russ, I'll just
be outside then?

Oh, God!
Right?

Let's go.
On top of everything else,

they've impounded
his baseball bat
as evidence.

He bought it at an auction.
Pete Rose hit with it
or some shit like that.

He shouldn't have used it then.
Christ, even a plumber knows...

to take his ring off
before he snakes the drain.

Well, you screwed up,
he got pinched.

I-I did not screw up!

I can't control
the sexual appetite
of my employee.

I mean, either way,
you're gonna have to
pay for it.

You know, why don't you
just do this? Take-- Just--
Just get it over with.

Why don't you just
set up an appointment
at his convenience...

to come break my legs
or kick me in the nuts,
or whatever he does?

Well, you know what?
I very much doubt
it'll be the latter.

That's practically
how he treats his friends.

You know, Russ, I've been
thinking about your situation,

and it occurs to me
that sometimes in life...

the greatest opportunities
are sitting right under
your nose.

The only thing under my nose
is this place mat with
the presidents up to Carter.

Am I missing something?
The lottery.

Oh, that is so stupid!

You think that my playing
the lottery is going to solve
all my problems?

Not playing the lottery,
winning the lottery.

You got that lotto ball machine
down at the station, right?

All I'm saying is
a little razzle-dazzle,
you're set for life.

Gig, I just came off
a botched phony robbery.

Let me bask in that for a while
before I start thinking
about tampering...

with the fucking
state lottery!

I'm not talking
out of my ass here.

I do have experience
with this sort of thing.
Really.

Yeah. About ten years ago,
Great.

before I washed up
on these golden shores,

I rigged a bingo game
in my local church hall.

Church hall, huh?

Weighed down
a few ping-pong balls,
Bob's your uncle!

I walked away
with a fucking lawn mower.

Oh, a lawn mower. Wow.
This is not War and Peace,

merely the concept
of gravity.

No, no,
the concept of gravity...

is when you fall down
and you break your head open.

Well, your glass
is obviously half empty.

No, Gig, my glass
is totally empty.

Watch it!
Hate you!

Calm down!
Bastard!

Calm down.
You're acting like a child.

You're acting like a child.

Stop! Calm down, please.
You promised!

What do you want me to do?
What's going on?

Everything's fine.
Thank you.

She told me she wanted to go.
What do you want me to say?
"I'm sorry,

I'm banging the lotto ball girl,
and I promised her first."

I don't believe this
'cause I bought sandals
in December for no reason!

Well, I'll take you
the next time. In June,
I have a conference in Seattle.

Take your wife
to fucking Seattle,
all right?

I wanted to go to Maui,
you asshole!

Oh, I'm an asshole.
Am I the same asshole...

that takes you out to dinner
and buys you fancy European
underwear?

Try to get that
from the weatherman,

who I notice you've been
awfully chatty with these days.

Blow me.

Is everything okay?
Yes, everything's fine!

MAN:
♪ I'm dreamin' of a white ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Just like the ones ♪

♪ I used to know ♪

♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪

♪ And children listen ♪

♪ To hear sleigh bells
In the snow ♪

♪ Oh, I'm ♪

♪ Dreamin' of a white ♪♪

( music fades )
I have to ask you something.

What?
Oh, God. Oh, God.

I don't know how
to ask you this.
( exhales )

Just ask.
I wouldn't blame you
if you said no.

As a matter of fact,
I already expect you to say no.

But I need your help
on something.

( screams ):
We're gonna be millionaires!
I can't believe this!

I have to admit,
I thought it would be
a slightly harder sell.

All right,
most important thing...

is getting alone
with that machine...

five minutes before
and five minutes after
the broadcast.

That's key.
Absolutely. That's
as key as it gets.

Five minutes before,
five minutes after.
Did you hear that, Crystal?

I'm two inches away.
How could I not hear it?

You better start
taking notes, 'cause when Gig
and I start hashing it out,

there's gonna be lot of gold
flying around here, and I don't
want to miss any of it.

Okay? N-Now the first
piece of gold is this.
Yeah.

I think someone
should call in
a bomb scare.

Then the building gets
evacuated, and I'm alone
with the lotto balls.

Okay? Are you
writing this down?

When we decide,
I will write it down.
It's good, right?

Russ, um, forgive me.
Just a second.

You call in a bomb scare,
they evacuate the building,
Mm-hmm.

and shut down the broadcast.

Right, and then
the firemen will come...

and then the policemen
will come, so kind of
a lame idea, you know?

All right. Jeez.
It's just an idea.

It's a work in progress,
for God's sake.

Even a painter's
got to take the brushes
and clean 'em.

Whatever that means.

You have any better ideas,
Miss Smarty-pants?

Why can't I just
distract Bobby somehow,
the security guy?

And then you
switch the balls.

No, uh, lame.
That's lame. What?

No, that's brilliant.

Yeah?
No, really, it's so simple,

it's brilliant.

In its simplicity, Russ.
Simplicity. That's--

And movin' on.
Okay, movin' on.

Movin' on,
I guess.

Okay, next most
important thing, right?

Uh-huh.

We need to find
your beard?

What the hell's
a "beard"?

You need someone
to buy the ticket
and claim the winnings.

But it has to be someone
that you absolutely trust.

One beard. Check.
Time out, folks!

There's not a person
I would trust to do
this thing.

Not a single person.

Ah! Oh, God!
Oh, God. Okay. All right.

I buy the ticket
in disguise.

Okay?
And this eliminates
all the outsiders.

That's the answer.
That's it. Okay?

Yeah, yeah.
Now we're cooking
with gas, huh?

I mean,
how would you
disguise yourself?

What, as Charlie Chaplin?
As the tramp or something?

( laughing ): Yeah, or no, like,
from the Wizard of Oz.

The straw guy.
The Straw Man.

Yeah, he could put
hay in his clothes
and wear a hat.

With a pom-pom on it?
With a-- No one
will know it's him.

Ooh, it's clever.
Nobody would ever know!

No! Russ.
It's the Scarecrow
from the Wizard of Oz.

Oh, okay.
It's Dorothy,
i-it's the Cowardly Lion,

it's the Tin Man, it's the dog,
it's the flying monkeys...

and it's
the Scarecrow.

If you're gonna make fun of me,
get your facts straight.

Well, my apologies, sir.
I am not the, uh, cartoon
aficionada that you are.

It's not a cartoon, Crystal.
So what?

It's a movie.
Who gives a shit?

Children-- excuse me.
( arguing )

It's a movie! For God's sake.
Calm down. Calm down.

Calm-- Calm down.
Sorry.

Please?
All right. Okay.
Back to square one.

( chuckles ):
Let's go.

Hey, I know.
My Cousin Walter
could do it.

Who?
From Ohio.

He would be the perfect beard.
He's this totally straight guy.

He doesn't even drink,
and besides,
he has a crush on me.

♪ The minute
You walked in the joint ♪

♪ I could see you were
A man of distinction ♪

♪ A real big spender ♪

♪ Good-lookin', so refined ♪
Oh. Walter.

♪ Say wouldn't you like to know
What's goin' on in my mind ♪
You look great.

I got you these balloons.
We should go.
Thank you.

♪ So let me get
Right to the point ♪

I got you a room at a lovely
country inn.

♪ I don't pop my cork
For every guy I see ♪

♪ Hey, big spender ♪

♪ Spend a little time
With me ♪♪

Oh. It's so green and lush.
RUSS: Oh! Look at this room.

RUSS:
Oh, this is so great.

Look at this TV, a closet.
God, look at the painting

with the Three Mile Island
thing.

Oh, and this clock
with a little light.
It's so-- It's so modern-day.

CRYSTAL:
Oh, shower curtain.
Oh, Walter, look at this.

All-you-can-eat buffet.
Oh. Right up the block!
Oh.

( wheezing, coughing )
And towels.
They're all prepared for you.

How comfy. What do you think?
Yeah, what do you think?

( gasps ): Mold spores.
What?
Huh?

This room has
a high content
of mold spores.

My throat's closin' up.
Oh, jeez.

( gasping, wheezing )
Oh.

( wheezing continues )

Are you-- Are you
all right, Walter?

( wheezing )

Mm. Tsk.

( exhaling, gurgling )

( wheezing )

Oh, jeez.

All clear.
All right! Hey, thank god

for modern medicine.

Yeah.
Hey, Walter, test the bed.

It's a combination
of the heat and moisture.
That's what does it.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Is it always this sticky
in Harrisburg in the winter?

Well, you know, it's--
it's a fluke, of course,

but it's not
entirely uncommon, no.

Uh-uh.
W-why's that?

Well, okay, well,
historically weather has been
you know, unpredictable.

Yeah, well, w-why's that?
Why?

( sniffling )
Well-- well, okay, you got...

your, uh--
you got your cold fronts
and you got...

your warm fronts,
and then you're talkin',
uh, barometric pressure.

Well, without my gauges, I-I--
I love hotels.

Walter? Walter?
Hey! Walter.

Yeah?
Are you clear on
what we're doin' here?

How long will it be
be-before I get my money?

Oh, well--
Oh. Yeah, no.

Um, it's real simple,
honey.

When we get our first payment,
you just take your 20,000

right away.
Right.

That's yours.
Right. Tax-free.

( chuckling ): We want
you to be happy, Walter.
Oh.

Well, I could-- I could really
use the money,

'cause m-m-my church
needs a new furnace.
( chuckles )

Oh, well, that
is so refreshing. Yeah.

And I'm gonna use
the rest to open
an adult bookstore.

Ah. Well, okay.
Well, that's good.
That's good too.

Yeah.
Do you masturbate, Russ?

( nervous chuckling ):
Jeez. I've been so busy lately,
I barely polish my shoes.

'Cause I masturbate
all the time.
Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Some people
think it's a sin,

but I think god gave us
the ability to masturbate
to protect us from sin.

Oh. Oh, okay.
Yeah. I could--
I could see that.

Sure. Why not?
I like sex.

There's a lot of sex
in the Bible.
Mm-hmm.

I'm sure there's
a Bible here somewhere.
Yeah.

Yeah, sure.
S-So, we--

We're a team, right?
Yeah, yeah, a team!

Yeah?
( chuckling ): Team.

( chuckling )
Ooh.

Yeah? Yeah?

Oh, I've got one. Let me pick.
No, no, no, no, no!

Please, let me finish. Okay, 16.
I wanna pick one.

Sixteen, okay?
That's how old I was
when I first got laid.

Really?
Yeah. Okay.

Twenty-five.
Okay, twenty-five.
My mother's birthday.

January 25, 1912. All right.
No, no. This--

No, the 25th
was my anniversary,

and I got divorced,
and I got screwed in that.

I didn't get a good settlement.
Seventy.

I had a '70 Camaro, and I got
in that bad car accident
and got a huge settlement.

Oh, yeah. Famous whiplash. Okay.
Remember? That's right.

Um, I got some randomly
selected numbers, okay?

WALTER:
These are like
completely random.

Okay?
Flick it like that.
Make sure air gets--

Twenty-two,
seventy.

Puncture. Then you
inject a little paint
into the ball.

You know,
weigh 'em down.
Sixteen.

Then we put
a little glue
over the hole.

Nine.
RUSS:
Isn't this fun?

Twenty-seven.
RUSS:
It's like summer camp.

It's like
arts and crafts.

Seven.
RUSS: The six
we don't inject.

Those are gonna
rise to the top.
It's my birthday.

Get it?
Okay. Those are
the winning numbers.

RUSS:
This is the concept
of gravity.

Sweet, simple concept
of gravity.

Here we go. Go.
Ready?

Yeah! Whoo!
( Gasps ): Oh, my God!

That's brilliant.
That is brilliant!
All right. Go.

♪ And she wasn't gonna
Sit around and wait ♪

♪ This guy was wise
To all of the lies ♪

♪ And he flies
Out the door ♪

♪ Easy money ♪♪

Will these warm
temperatures continue?
This is Russ Richards.

Catch me tonight
in the weather center
and find out.

Right here
on Channel 6, WTPA.

Okay. Ready.
( groans )

( car horn blaring )
Yeah, hold on a second.
You hear that?

I have been watching
your show--

( horn blaring )

( woman on TV, indistinct )
MAN ON TV: Enough about me.

I don't know why.
But I'm fine.
I just don't know--

Make way. Give her space.
Bobby! Oh, Bobby!

Thank god. Yeah.
Crystal, you all right?

But I don't know what happened
with the car.
Come on. Give her space.

And I just had
the car checked.
Oh, that's crazy.

Yeah.
Lucky you didn't hit your head.

Well, who knows?
Maybe I did. I don't know.

Maybe you should see a lawyer.

Yeah, that's a good idea.
I know a lawyer.

Do you? That's great, Bobby.
Thanks.

Let me know if you
want his name!

LOTTERY ANNOUNCER:
Tonight's jackpot
is $6.4 million!

Our machine contains 80 balls,
and we'll draw 6 balls
from the machine.

Drawing tonight will be
Channel 6's lottery girl,
Crystal Latroy.

Now, let's start
the machine, please.

Now, Crystal,
draw the first number.

Seventy!

And the second.

Twenty-two!

And the third.

Seven!

And now the fourth.

Sixteen!

And the fifth number, please.

Nine!

LOTTERY ANNOUNCER:
And the sixth!
Twenty-seven.

Twenty-seven!

LOTTERY ANNOUNCER:
And there you have it.

Tonight's Pennsylvania lottery
numbers: 70,

22, 7, 16,

9, 27.

If you have it,
come and get it.

Good girl.
If not, better luck next time.

Back to you, Dan!

ANNOUNCER:
That about wraps it up for
this edition of News at Five.

Enjoy the rest of your evening.
We'll see you back here
tomorrow night.

You can see
all the Pennsylvania lottery
drawings right here...

on WTPA,
Channel 6.

Oh! My head!
( groans )

Crystal!
I got you.

I got you. Come on, come on.
Oh! Thanks, Bobby. Good.

No, let's-- Please, this way.
No, this way's better.

No. This way!
All right.

Oh, I'm not
making any sense.
Okay. Nice and easy.

I-I-I don't-- Oh!
Nice-- I got you. I got you.

You feelin' better now?
Ugh.

I don't know.
Yeah.

Uh-huh. Thanks.
I really do.

( gasps ): Oh. Oh!

Shit! Shit! Oh.

God! Stop it!

Stay in!
Come on!

Get in!

Stay in, little mothers.
Oh, shit.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.
( sighs )

Hey!
( screams ): Oh, Bobby,

you scared me.

Are you sure
you should be drivin'?

Why don't you let me
give you a ride home?

No, I'm fine.
I'm fine now.

Yeah. I had
a Three Musketeers.

Okay, then.
Get some sleep.

All right. Thanks, sweetie.
Are you sure you don't
want me to drive you home?

No!

Thank you, though.
You're sweet.

Good afternoon, Lawrence.

Hey, Russ.

I've been thinking about you.
Big news.

No, I have.
First of all,
this is for you.

Token of my appreciation for
how hard you've been working.
Thanks.

And let me tell you
something else. A lot of people
have been talking about you.

What people?
Let's get another thing
straight.

No one is stealing you
away from me,
because you are--

What are you?
Number one.

That's right.
Wow, it's quite an honor.

I don't know what to say.
Well, don't say anything.

As our Jewish friends say,
"Enjoy."

Look, Russ, remember
I told you about
my cousin's stepdad?

The one with
the roadside fun park
in Colorado,

in Leadville?

Well, if you did, my brain
immediately purged it.

Well, I gave him a call,
and I told him
about our situation,

and he said he'd buy
our whole inventory
in one fell swoop.

Really?
Well, how much?

Okay, well,
here's where we run
into a small asterisk.

Thirty thousand?

( laughs ): Who is this guy,
Jesse James!

I oughta get in
a Santa Claus outfit
and give 'em away.

I just thought,
you know, if the noose
starts getting tighter.

"The noose"?
Who am I talking to?

Is this Larry, the winner?
Is this Larry number one?

Am I talking to the Larry
that everybody's talking about?

Who's talking about me?
Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, good.
Good idea.

Good morning, sweetie. Hi.
Hi.

So, where is it?
What?

The ticket.
I'm dying to see it.

Well, I have it.
Don't worry.

I'm not worried.
May I see it, please?

Well, actually,

I might hold on
to it for a while.

What does that mean?
Well,

first of all, how come
I'm only getting $20,000?

I mean, I'm taking
all the risk, right?

Walter?
And, you know,

I'm-- I'm the one
who's gotta cash it in.

What if they find out
this was rigged?

No.
W-W-What if th-they--

it's like this is
a setup or some kind of,
like, you know, an ambush.

I could get caught.
I could get in trouble.
That's not gonna happen.

No. Shh. Sweetie, listen.
You're being really silly.

Okay?
Now, we made a deal,
and you agreed to it.

So let's
just move forward
as planned, okay?

No, why-- why can't we
split it three ways?

The weatherman, you and me.
Who the fuck are you?

I'm doin' all the work.
You're lucky to even get
a little bit, which is a lot.

Well, can we-- I'm family.

Go get
the fucking ticket!

Now, give me the ticket,
you jerk-off!

Get off me!
You're a whore!

Stop it!
Oh!

Do not fuck with me,
you sick, masturbating retard!

Go ahead and rape me.
That's what you want!

Shut up!
Where's the ticket?

I'm not telling you, slut!
I want that ticket now!

I'm telling your parents!
Stop it!

Are you ready for the song
"Bingo Was His Name-o"?

CHILDREN: Yeah!
All right.

♪ There was a farmer had a dog
And Bingo was his name-o ♪

♪ B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O ♪

WALTER ( gasping ):
Where is it?

My-- My-- My-- My--
My puffer.

Your what? Stop it! What?
Puffer! Puffer!

( wheezing, coughing ):
My puffer! I can't breathe!

I'll get it. God.
Get it. Thank you. Thank you.

Is this what you want,
your puffer?
Where's the ticket?

( wheezing ):
I'm not telling you.

Fine!

( gasping, wheezing )

F-Fuck y-you.
( TV turns on )

( inhaler clicking,
expelling mist )

TV: ♪ These days are all ♪
Walt, look. Happy Days is on.

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Those happy days ♪

♪ These days all ♪
♪ Share them with me ♪

♪ Good-bye gray skies
Hello blue ♪
♪ Hello blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me
When I hold you ♪

♪ Feels so right
It can't be wrong ♪
♪ Can't be wrong ♪

( singing with TV ):
♪ Rockin' and rollin'
all week long ♪♪

♪ The people on the bus
Go yap-yap-yap ♪

♪ Yap-yap-yap
Yap-yap-yap ♪

♪ The people on the bus
Go yap-yap-yap ♪♪

MAN ON TV:
Laverne de Fazio
and Shirley Feeney!

Casablanca.
LAVERNE:
Casablanca.

Shit!
MAN: Okay.

( screaming, yelling
on TV )

Damn it!

Come on. Where is it?

Oh! Goddamn it!

Ugh.

( sighs ):
I'm gonna puke.

Oh!

Yes. Yes!
Yes, yes, yes! Yes!

Hey, Walt,
met your girlfriend.

Cute.

( voice breaking ):
Yes, I need an ambulance
right away.

My cousin... had some kind
of asthma attack.

He's not moving.
Okay.

I can't believe it.
I-I m in shock.

I thought he had
one of those inhaler things.

His puffer?
Yeah, I couldn't find it.
Yeah.

You couldn't find it?

No, well, we couldn't
find it at first.

And then when we did
find it, it was all
out of shit, out of juice.

Mist?
Yeah, mist. It was out of mist.

Know what his last words were?
What?

"Crystal,
my sweet angel,
Don't, don't.

"Go into my wallet
and take the ticket,

'cause you and Russ
deserve to have that money."

Oh, God!

Oh, fuck me.
No fried clams?

Crystal? I know, baby.
Hmm.

It's insensitive to--
Well, to bring up something
at a time like this,

but I think we do have
a little problem.

What?

Well, with Walter gone,

we have no one
to cash in the ticket.

I mean, god rest his soul
and everything.
I wouldn't worry about that.

Why?
I've got plenty of relatives.

In fact, I'll probably
see a lot of them
at Walter s funeral.

No. You know, I wouldn't
bring them into this.

I mean, they've suffered enough.
WOMAN: There's Russ Richards!

He's more handsome
in person!

You know, it's times
like this you wonder.

You wonder if there's
a higher being out there.

I mean, maybe it was
just Walter s time on earth--
All right! Key lime pie.

( rock music playing )

Hello, Jerry, mate. How are you?
Gig.

Wanna hear a cute story?

I would love to hear
a cute story.

You know
I got a grandson,
six years old?

That's a great age.
( chuckles ): Yeah.

He says to me
the other day, he says,

"Pop-pop, when I grow up,

I wanna be a bookie
and run a numbers racket
just like you."

Ohhh.

I know. I melted.

And then he asks me,
he says, "Pop-pop,

"when people play
the numbers,

what number
do they try to win?"

So I explain to him.

I say, "Sweetie,
every week we bookies,

we get the number from someplace
our customers know
we can't control."

And he says,
"Like Sesame Street?"
Lovely that, isn't it?

( laughing ):
It's amazing what these kids
come up with, isn't it?

It's amazing. And I say,
"No, no, no, no,
not Sesame Street.

"We get the number
from the lottery drawing
on television,

"the last three digits
of the real lotto,

"because everyone knows
no one...

"can rig
the state lottery,

which means no one
can rig a bookie's number."

That's right.
And he, he looks at me.

You know, big long look
with these big brown eyes,
and he says,

"And I bet no one
can win either!"
( chuckles )

He's a genius.
Kid's a genius.

After all, h-how often
do I have to pay out?

Once, twice,
three times a year.
If.

If. So, moving right along.

Next day, guess what.
I had 12 people
hit the same number.

No shit!
Yeah.

Which even
a six-year-old kid knows...
( chuckles )

Statistically
it's impossible.

Out of the realm
of possibility.
Can't happen.

I don't know what
to tell you, Jerry.
Here's the funny thing, though.

When I looked at
the people who picked,

a pattern
started to emerge.

Really?
Yeah. Your ex-wife.

( laughing )

Your ex-wife.
Your ex-wife's mother.

Her mother's sister.
Your dentist.

Your cousin Vic.

A few other stray
crinkly leaves
from the family tree.

They all played variations
on the same number.

You know, Jerry.
Hmm.

If it wasn't for the fact
that we are dear friends--

We are dear friends, right?
Dear friends.

I would suspect that you
are accusing me of something.

Of what?

I mean, Jesus Christ himself
can't rig the state lottery.

Thank you.

Unless--

Unless Jesus had a buddy
down at the TV station.

Ahh.
Ahh.

Nah. ( chuckles )
A real stumper, huh?

Yeah, it's a fuckin'
head scratcher, Jerry.
A fuckin' head scratcher.

Fuckin' head scratcher,
mate.

You know, I got some pals
down at the D.A.'s office.

Always looking for
a good head scratcher.

Now, Jerry,
you never told me
you had a grandson.

I don't.

( laughing )

Hello, Dale, love.
How are you?

What you gonna do
tonight, Kippy?
Gonna watch Sportscenter.

You're gonna watch
Sportscenter,

and you're gonna see
if Winchell is still out
with the knee thing.

JERRY:
And if he's still out
with the knee thing,

we gotta change the spread
on Detroit, right?

Right.
So what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna watch Sportscenter.
Go home. Watch it. Good night.

Good night.
[Car door slams, engine starts]

Beautiful. Lovely. Flat tire.
♪ Oh, the shark, babe,
Has such teeth, dear ♪

Kippy? Kippy!
♪ And it shows them
Pearly whites ♪

This is just lovely.
♪ Just a jackknife ♪

♪ Has old MacHeath, babe ♪
Just lovely.

♪ And he keeps it
Out of sight ♪

Ah!
♪ You know when
That shark bite ♪

♪ With his teeth babe ♪

♪ Scarlet billows
Start to spread ♪

♪ Fancy gloves, though
Wears old MacHeath, babe ♪

♪ So there's never
Never a trace of red ♪

♪ Now on the sidewalk
Huh, huh ♪

♪ Ooh Sunday morning uh-huh ♪

♪ Lies a body ♪

♪ Just oozin' life ♪

♪ Eek
And someone's sneakin' ♪

♪ 'Tound the corner ♪

♪ Could that someone
Be Mack the knife ♪♪

Nine!

ANNOUNCER:
And the sixth.

Twenty-seven!
Ooh, twenty-seven.

What the hell is she up to?

You're not smart enough
to pull a thing like this off.

Balls are just
laying there.

Hey.

( chuckling ): How are you?
Hey!

Hey, you're that, uh--
you're the, uh--

Weatherman.
Oh, shit!

Hey, I watch you
every night!
Yeah? Thank you.

Let me give you a hand.
No, it's okay.

I insist!
I can carry my own
groceries, please.

Wow, man!
It must be great having
a job like yours, no?

Well, it, uh,
it pays the bills.

Nah, you guys just read
a bunch of crap
from cue cards, right?

Cold in the east.
A storm on the right.
It looks like rain.

Aah!
It's a little more
complicated than that.

Let me ask you something.
I'm trying to plan my birthday
in a couple of months.

Can you tell me if it's
going to be a nice day?
It's gonna be grand.

Oh, right, hey,
nice meeting you.

Always great to know a fan.
Your name was?

Dale.
Dale.

Yeah.
The thug?

So, Russ, I just want
to apologize about
the last time we spoke.

I wasn't really feeling good.
I was feeling
sort of vulnerable.

I had fear issues come up,
being arrested and all.
That's okay.

Oh, yeah.
Plus, I was drinking,

which I'm really not
supposed to do, you know,
on the medication.

Oh, I see.
Can I have some of these?

Yeah, go ahead.
You know, it wasn't
a good moment.

I just wanted to
make an amends.

Hey, listen,
don't you worry.

The truth is, I should
be apologizing to you.

I was gonna call you
about the $10,000, but
the station got so busy.

Don't worry about
the ten grand, Russell.

It's water
under the bridge.
Really? Wow!

I didn't know that.
All right then.

Okay, let's celebrate.

Yeah, I wanna move forward

because the new number I have
in mind is more like half a mil.

( spits )

( clears throat )

Come here, Russ.

I rather not.
Russ, come sit down.

No, no.
Come on. Sit the fuck down!

Okay.

Unfortunately, Russell,
we have a new wrinkle
in the situation.

Oh, really?
What's the wrinkle?

Basically I had to play piñata
with Jerry the bookie's skull.

See, that ups
the invoice a little.
Is he okay?

No, he's dead.
Oh! Oh, god.

You know, okay.

I'm really uncomfortable
with this kind
of conversation.

You know, not to mention,

I broke my 1986 World Series
commemorative bat.

Oh, yeah?
It was a birthday gift
from my mother.

She's gettin' a little old,
and she's not feeling good
these days.

She hasn't left the house
in six weeks.
Okay, just give me--

You killed Jerry the bookie
with a bat?

It's not like a half a mil
is gonna hurt you,
You crushed his skull?

With that lottery ticket
of yours.

Get me the money, Russ.
Ohh!

Great, Gig.
We gotta talk about this.

I'll fuckin' ball-bat you,
you creep cocksucker.

Okay, okay.

Okay.
( coughing )

Mint Listerine?
Yeah.

When did they
come out with this?
I don't know.

Is it good?
Yeah, it's good.

( tires screeching )

All right, look,
just give this dale guy
a little extra money.

Big deal. It's better
than losing it all.
Better than being dead too.

Crystal, he hits people
with commemorative bats!

He's not gonna
hit you with a bat.
He's your friend.

What?
Yeah. You wanna see
the leather jacket I got?

He's not my friend.
I just met this guy.
How can he be my f--

Look-- $900.
( sighs )

Made in Italy.
I'm not screwing around
anymore, you know?

If it wasn't on a boat,
I don't want it.
Stop it, Crystal.

You have got to stop
buying things from Italy.
You are not a millionaire.

We-- We are not
millionaires.

The first thing we gotta do
is find a trustworthy,
non-asthmatic person...

to cash in this ticket
A.S.A.P., or we're dead.

Funny you should
mention that.

I think I have another
candidate who'd be perfect.
Oh, yeah? Who?

This guy that I was seeing
for a while when I was
waitressing at the racetrack.

I think he still
works there too.
A real sweet guy.

Bought me a really
expensive parrot, too,
from Brazil or something.

My cat bit its head off.

You hated that fucking bird,
didn't you, sweetie?

The racetrack, eh.

Well, actually,
he's an unofficial employee.

He injects horses
with some kind of shit
that makes them run faster.

Forget it.
Just cross him off the list.
Forget him. Who else?

There is Scatter,
the guy who installed
my carpet.

Went to high school with him.
The man's name is Scatter?

Yeah, well,
he's a total coke freak,

which could work in our favor
because he usually needs money.

No, junkies
are problematic.
Let's keep thinkin'.

Mm-hmm.

Wanna have sex?
Oh, yeah.

You know, I-- I was just
feeling good that day.

Yeah. I, uh--

I don't know what to say.
I'm at a loss, boy.

I'm at a total loss.

I mean, here you are,
supposedly injured,
all right?

You're collecting your full
lieutenant's salary
and full disability.

I didn't even
want to do this.
Matt had to talk me into it.

You know how stupid
I felt?

The lower back,
it's an enigma.

Pat, I'm gonna be
straight with you.

Obviously I have
alternatives to pursue here,
but I'm not gonna do it...

because-- 'cause I don't
want this getting out.

All right?
It makes everybody look bad.

From now on,
you are back on full patrol.

Here, get started
with this.

A missing person's case?
Yeah, a bookie.

Jerry Green.
No one's seen him
for about a week.

Huh. Jeez.

What happened to him?
I don't know, pat.

That's what you're
supposed to find out.

Right. All right.

We talked earlier about
the fact there's a shortage
of wading pools in the area.

Dick? Judy said
you wanted to see me.

Oh, hey, sport. Have a seat.
Be right with you.

( chuckling )
Is that Chuck Rhodes?

This guy kills me.

I found Crystal too.

Oh, hiya, kid.
Judy, close the door.

Okay.
Thanks.

What's going on?
( laughing )

( TV turns off )

So, Russ,
how's the finances?
What?

What?
The finances.

W-- Great.
Good.

Because you seemed to be
in a bind a few weeks ago.
Well, that was then.

Terrific.
And how are you, honey?
We haven't talked in a while.

Did you know may left me?
Jeez, I'm so sorry about that.

Life's tough.
And how.

But you seem
to be doing well.
I'm great.

Why wouldn't you be great,
with a friend like Russ here?

Yeah. Look at that, huh?
Oh, jeez.

Oh, boy.

How 'bout that?

Don't say a word,
not one.

'cause if I hear one
bullshit comment like, "What
are you talking about?"...

I'm gonna call the cops.
What?

Wh-what do you mean?
It slipped out, Dick.
We're listening. Go ahead.

I chewed on it
for three days,

and I'm convinced
I have enough evidence to
fuck you both up big time.

Bullshit.
You don't have any evidence.
What is that?

Stop it. Shut up. You shut up.
You shut up.

Shut up! No.
That's bullshit.

Dick, you have the floor.
You have the floor.

Go ahead.
Short and sweet.

I want half the money,

or I'll have you arrested,

and I might even do it
on air, live.

Imagine the ratings.
I'd like to see you
fucking try, asshole.

You're gonna see me.
I'll kill you,
I swear to god!

I'm gonna kill you!
You treacherous little bitch!

You got one week
to get your shit together.

Hey, you listening to me?
I want the money.
( door slams )

Okay. Okay.
Okay, let's do a little math.

You want 20 percent,
Dale wants half a million,
God bless him.

Dick wants half
of everything.

I don't have a calculator,
but it seems to me
I'm suddenly in debt again!

Dale's money
comes out of your share.
He's your friend.

He's not my friend.
He's his friend.
I hardly know the man.

Who cares?
It's all fuckin' moot now.

The only thing that's moot to me
is the Dick Simmons issue.

CRYSTAL: Yeah.

You get a toothache,
you pull the tooth.

What does that mean?

Let's kill the son of a bitch.
Oh, god!

CRYSTAL: Yes!
No!

Yes!
One quick call to dale,
and we're back on track.

Absolutely!
Let's do it.

What is wrong with you?

He threatened us.
Just remember that.

It is extortion.
Does that mean
he's gotta be dead?

We're not giving him
half our money.
What money?

That worthless scrap
of shit we have?
Yeah, okay.

Maybe it's time for your friend,
the drug-addicted
carpet installer.

Oh, Scatter.
Scatter! Yeah!
Maybe he could help us.

This is killing me.
I have slept five hours
this whole week.

Oh, god, here we go.
I have dandruff
with flakes this big.

I've gained two pounds!

Listen to my voice.
I'm losing my instrument.

Shouting isn't helping.

WOMAN: Gig?
Yeah?

There's a couple of cops
in the club asking for you.

I'll be right in.
Oh, great!

Now there's cops in the club.
I've always wanted to give
an inmate fame.

They kill the celebrities first
and then they fuck 'em
in the butt.

Will you just relax, please?
There are cops always
in this club.

They're probably arranging
an engagement party.
Yeah, right.

Just hold on a tick.
Yeah.

STEREO:
♪ Toe to toe ♪

♪ Dancing very close ♪

♪ Body breathing ♪♪
GIG: Good evening, officers.

What can I do for you?
Are you the owner?

Yes, I am. Gig.

Gig, do you know a guy
by the name of Jerry Green?

He apparently is known
to come in here.

Yeah, Jerry the bookie.
Comes in here all the time.

Has he been in here lately,
because, I mean,

nobody's seen this guy
around for a while.

Ah...

about a week ago,
I think.

Huh.

♪ Back to back ♪

♪ Sacroiliac ♪

♪ Spineless movement ♪

♪ And a wild attack ♪♪
Excuse me, you wanna
get back to this?

Maybe ask another question
or two?
Yeah, yeah.

Where... do you find girls
like that?

I mean, who'd do
that kind of stuff.

Well, you know,
it's remarkably easy.

You'd be surprised.

These two, I believe,
we imported from
upstate New York.

I was gonna say,
they seem like...
Albany girls.

Uh, so, anyway, we just
wanted to drop by...

and find out
if you've seen this guy.

Well, I'll
let you know.

Although, with Jerry,
he could be shacked up
anywhere.

He's a bookie,
for Christ s sake.

It was nothing. Nothing.
The word "lotto"
never even came up.

See, Mr. Crazy Man?
Thank god!

They were checking on Jerry.
A missing person's thing.

They asked about Jerry?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was just routine.
Not routine.

It's called
a murder investigation.

No, trust me.
Dale took care
of everything.

They'll find a cure for cancer
before they find Jerry.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Live from Harrisburg
and News Center Six.

( news show theme )
Covering Harrisburg, New York,
Lancaster and Lebanon,

it's News at Five
with Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...

and Russ Richards
with the weather.

( music continues )
This is News at Five.

Our top story tonight:

the body of a local bookmaker
was found floating
in the Susquehanna River today.

Police say it was
definitely foul play
and are following leads.

More on that story
in a moment.

First, let's check in
with the weather center...

to see if we can expect more of
these springlike temperatures.

Russ?

Russ?

Oh, yeah?

How about these
springlike temperatures?
What?

The uncommonly warm weather--
will it continue?

Russ?
Russ?

Uh, um, wh-what
was that question?

Thanks, Russ.

Well, it seems like we can
keep those thermal socks
in the cedar closet...

for the time being then.

That's right, Dan.

Police are calling it...

the crudest attempt
to dispose of a body
in recent memory.

Jerry Green
of Linglestown...

was apparently
bludgeoned to death...

and then dropped into the river
with a small brick
taped to one wrist.

Police say this was
insufficient weight
to keep the corpse submerged.

( sighs )

What time did they pull
this bookie out of the river?

Scotty told me around 6:00.
Ted told me 8:00.

It's like a fucking
guessing game.

They pulled him at 6:00
and bagged him at 8:00.

Was he nude?
Somebody said he had
a t-shirt on.

Why don't you get off
your ass and check
the reports, man?

I'm goin' with nude.

I'm so glad this thing
is finally over.

What does that mean?

We don't have to look
for this guy anymore.

Gee, wouldn't it be great if we
found out who killed him?

I realize that entails
a little more work, but I'm
just thinkin' out loud.

Has it ever occurred to you,
chambers, that he was drunk...

and he just slipped
off the bridge?

Hmm? A little thing
called an accident.

Why is everybody around here
so foul-play happy?

The man was bludgeoned
to death, Lakewood!

His skull was bashed in,
he had a plastic bag
over his head...

and duct tape
around his neck.

Keep going.

MAN ON TV:
You're in a very small,
select group of guys.

What is it that
makes you successful...

and all the others
knocking on the doors
not so successful?

MAN 2:
I'm not so sure.

As I travel around the country,

I see on television guys
who would make good
game show hosts,

but I don't tell 'em.
( laughter )

I think, to me,
the analogy is a game show host
is the icing on the cake.

But the format is the cake.
No one--

( man talking on TV )

I'll love you
till the day I die.

Yes! And again.

MAN:
At 2:15 that afternoon,
Johnny Clay--

( TV continues, faint )

He's expecting me.
Come in.

I don't know why I did it.

It all unraveled
and then one thing happened
after another.

Jesus.
I'm still in shock, boss.

I'm in so much trouble,
Larry.

No man becomes wise
without stepping on
the soil of fools.

Right. Right!

But I never claimed
to be--

That's good.
Where did you get that?
Is that from the Bible?

Actually, it's from this play
I wrote in eighth grade
about Evel Knievel.

Oh.
What are you gonna do?

Well, I have a plan,
I do.

But I need money.
I need it fast.

So I was thinking about that guy
who wanted the snowmobiles,
the one in Colorado?

Yeah.
Well, you think
he's still interested?

Yeah, I think so,
but you'd have to find
some way to deliver 'em.

Set it up.
Set... it... up.

DICK:
A hundred thousand dollars?
That's right.

You wanna sell me a lotto
ticket worth $6.4 million
for $100,000?

Correct.
I want out.

However, this is
a one-time-only offer, Dick.
One-time-only.

I want the money,
I want it tonight
at the station.

If I hear any excuses,
any bullshit comments like,
"I can only get part of it"...

or "I need more time,"
The deal is off.

Be reasonable.
It'll take me a couple of days--
Deal's off.

I'll get it, I'll get it.
Good decision.

RUSS:
Now, I believe that I have
solved all of our problems.

CRYSTAL: Really?
What century is this guy in?
Why don't you pass him?

Put a motor on it,
Jake!

A year and a half
behind this freak.

One, I found a buyer
for the snowmobiles,
a guy in Colorado.

I'm renting a trailer,
and I'm gonna
deliver them myself.

But why Colorado?
But, uh, uh!

Number two:
the lotto ticket.
I sold it to Dick.

Hundred grand cash.
Now it's his problem.
I don't think so.

Number three,
which is probably
the most important of all,

I'm leaving tonight
for good.

Now, questions.

( tires screech )

You fucked up
the whole thing!
You screwed it all up!

Stop it!
You crazy fool!

God, and I could've got
a car and everything!

Hey, now listen.

If I didn't do this,
we would be in jail

or at the bottom of a river...

with bricks taped
around our wrists.
( groans )

And you know it.
Oh, my God.
You're so stupid.

Oh!
Oh, Crystal.

We are under surveillance.
Oh, yeah?

Yes. Last night I stopped by
a convenience store.

A cop pulled in behind me,
he got out, he followed me in...

and then he pretended
to get a cup of coffee!

Did he pretend
to get a doughnut?

Oh, you know--
You are nuts!

You need to see
a psychiatrist.
Oh, I'm nuts?

You can't handle this!
What about this little puppy?

There's enough mist
in this thing
to save ten masturbators.

( rock music playing )

♪ Ain't no big thing
To wait-- ♪♪

That's an ugly turn of events.
Mm-hmm.

Mmm! What is this?
( music continues, faint )

Schnapps?
What, am I in third grade?

Can I have a drink, please?

Let's just talk
this through, shall we?

You're saying that Russ,
in his infinite wisdom,

Yeah.
Sold the ticket
for a hundred grand.

Can you believe it?
A $6 million ticket!

I've got more brains
in my... shoe!
( grunts )

You know, Russ never really
had the stomach for this
sort of thing, did he?

Well, I do,
and I want that ticket back,
and I want Dick Simmons dead!

Do you hear me?

Fine. Fine.

Speed dial.
I love it.

And I want his head cut off
so I can hang it
from my rearview mirror!

That's just your anger talking.
Yeah.

Dale. Dale, it's Gig.

His machine.
Oh.

Um, see, things have got
a little bit sticky over here.

Slight change of plans,
nothing that your deft touch
couldn't rectify.

So either swing by
or just return the call.
That'd be marvelous.

Thank you.
Great.

Slight snag though.
What?

Well, Dale-- bless him--
has been doing favor
after favor for us.

If it's not one thing,
it's... the other. So--

So what's your point?
( sighs )

If he's gets the ticket back
for us, we're gonna have to
give him a little more money.

No. No way. N-O.
That would only be fair.

There is a limit
to my classiness.

Quite obviously.
Shut up!

I'll handle this.
You just leave dale
out of it.

Bunch of morons.
I have to do everything
myself!

Hi.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.

An old face from the past.
What's on your mind, gorgeous?

Oh, nothin'.
Just wanted to say hello.
Really? That's sweet.

'Cause the last time
we chatted, I believe you
threatened to kill me.

Gee, has something changed
since then?

Well, you really did
outsmart us, didn't you?
Screwed us royally.

I'm impressed, Dick.
I'm like a lion that way.

I hide in the weeds,
bide my time,

then I jump out
and tear the ass off
some dumb buffalo.

Ooh. So, Mr. Lion,

how are you gonna
cash in that ticket?

I'll think of something.
Don't lose any sleep over it.

Believe me, honey,
I sleep like a baby,

'cause the second you try
to cash in that little fucker,

I'm going straight
to the Lottery Commission
and tell them everything.

If you did that, angel,
I'd rat you out quicker
than a frog can take a piss.

Mmm.

What do you want?
Halfsies.

Half.

Have you been exercising?
'Cause you look great.

Deal.

Nothing like rekindling
an old friendship.

Hey, that's him.
Wagstaff.

Wagstaff?
Yes, Wagstaff.

Are you sure?

Yeah, light hair, 6'2",
lives at this address.

You need anything else?
Does he have a record?

You should read
the report sometime.

Wagstaff was overheard

bragging about the bookie's
murder in a bar.

Oh, what a jerk.

You know what would
be unfortunate?

If we got into that whole
let's-follow-him rigmarole.

( tires screeching )
Oh, perfect.

( grunting )

Oh, man!
It's getting cold out, huh?

I never realized
how heavy these things were.
Yeah, 4-40s, you know.

K.C.-inducted engines,
twin carbs.

Just touch that throttle
and boom!

It's like gettin'
a chick off.

Jeez, I hope that
wasn't your sales pitch.
Oh, yeah.

You actually
said that to people?

Well, you know,
just like biker types.

Huh.

Hey, Russ.

Check it out.

I don't believe it.

I thought you called
for partly cloudy
and pleasant tonight.

A backdoor cold front.

A what?
A backdoor cold front.

Rare.

Almost impossible
to predict.

The atmosphere--
a beautiful yet fickle
beast she is.

Is that from
the Evel Knievel play?

Yup.

( sighs )

( engine backfires )

( backfires )

CHAMBERS:
Where in the hell
is he going?

Beats me.

He's definitely
up to something.
Definitely.

We should call for backup.
You know, it never hurts.

You know, backup,
it's like an old friend.

It's like an old, comfortable
sweatshirt you slip into
on a cold winter's night.

Are you listening, chambers?
Get your head out
of the clouds!

Hey.
( moans )

Hey, wake up.

Come on. Wake up.

Fuck it.
( Crystal screams )

What?
Wake the fuck up!

What is this?
What do you want?

You know what I want.
My wallet's in my pants.

Take the $50 out of my wallet.

And don't hurt me!
I'm just sleeping over.

Where's the ticket?
What ticket?

Gig sent you?

The fuckin' Tooth Fairy
sent me, Twiggy.

Who do you think?
Hey, please leave.

Don't fuckin'
play games with me.

I'm hopped up on wine coolers
and antidepressants.

I'm not feelin' good.
Where is it?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You don't know?
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.

Do you like baseball?
What?

Do you like baseball?
Yes.

Who's your favorite player?
Ted Williams.

Ted Williams. Oh, yeah.
He had some swing.
It was sort of like this.

( both screaming )

No, hey, hey.
Hold on.

Just take it easy.
I'm gonna call for backup.

I'm gonna go around the back.
You cover the front.
No, you're in cowboy mode.

Stop that!
Wait for backup.

Oh, shit. Shit.

Shit!

Are we speaking
the same language now?
I'm gonna give him the ticket.

It's not worth it.
Life's too precious.

Good girl. You see,
that's all I ask for,
a little cooperation.

Here's your cooperation,
you mongoloid piece of shit!
Aaah! Ooh!

Oh!
Aah! Aah.

( door slams )
Police! Freeze!

Don't shoot! No, no!
There's a raving crazy guy
up there!

Just go kill him.

Aah! Ohh!

Lakewood, I'm hit!

Huh? Say what?
Don't let him through!

Aah!

CRYSTAL:
Somebody!

Get me a fucking robe!

Isn't it ironic?
Yeah, ironic.

Just another word for saying
you're getting screwed.

But so what, right?
It's all over now anyway.

In a little while,
bim-bam-boom, I've got this town
in the rearview mirror.

Hey, take me with you, boss.
What?

Yeah, a little
Colorado road trip.
No, no, Larry.

Come on. Let me go.

I'm practically a fugitive.
I can't take you with me.

Well, Russ, today, yeah,

I'm an authorized
Yamaha sales associate,

but tomorrow
I'm just another guy...

boxing Peanut Butter Cups
at Hershey.

Come on, Russ.
I have faith in you, man.

Really? You would
just drop everything
to come with me?

Yeah, let the word
go forth--

the Russ Richards freight train
is about to leave the station.

New horizons,
new conquests.

Ready to kick some new ass.
Bob Barker, watch out.

Russ Richards
is headin' west.

Now let's see what's
behind door number three.
Whoo-hoo!

♪ You brought me fame
And fortune and everything
That goes with it ♪

♪ I thank you all ♪

Come on.
♪ This will be
No bed of roses ♪

All right, I'll take
the first eight hours.

You ever driven
one of these things?
Nope.

♪ I consider it a challenge
Before the whole human race
And I never lose ♪

All right.
Here we go.

Hey. Yeah, baby.
( laughing )

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ My friends ♪

♪ And we'll keep on fighting ♪

♪ Till the end ♪

Damn the torpedoes!
Full speed ahead!

Whoo!
♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ No time for losers ♪

♪ 'Cause we are
The champions ♪♪

So far, so good. Let's go.
( gear shifts )

( loud crashing )

I'm not gonna look.

I think that's a good idea.
Yup.

( chattering )

Easy, easy.
I got it.

Let's get him up.

Dick, where's the ticket?
( moans )

Answer me.
He can't answer you, ma'am.
He's been sedated.

Why did you do that? Oh!

Fuck.

Here.

Oh.

Thank you.
That was, uh, very brave
tonight, ma'am.

Yeah.
He was an animal
with an intent to kill.

No shit, the fucking creep.
Oops. Excuse my French.

Um, can I give you a lift...

to the hospital?

Why? I'm fine.

No, I meant, to be
with Mr. Simmons.

Oh, right. Yeah.

You know, it's kinda late,
and I have a lot of stuff
to do in the morning, early.

Stuff.
Mm-hmm.

Well, we might need
some more information,
and, uh,

uh, I might call you.

I'm available.

Fantastic.
Okay. Can I go now?

Sure.
Thank you.

MAN:
Get him out of here.

Hey, Chambers.

All right,
hang on just a second.

( loudly ): How you feeling,
partner?

I'd feel a lot better
if I could get to the hospital.
Could you make this quick?

We're all gonna pull you
through this, all right?

Positive attitude--
that's everything.

Hey, pal,
he got shot in the leg.
I think he'll be fine.

Let's hope so.
Be careful with him!

LARRY:
What are you doing?

I'm trying to
disconnect this trailer
so we can get out of here.

( radio buzzes )

FEMALE DISPATCHER:
Base to car six.

( groans ):
What?

We've got a jackknifed
tractor-trailer at Route 22
in Devonshire.

You're about a mile away.
( sighs )

Great. Now I got
another 20,000 forms
to fill out.

( grunting ):
Why do they make these things
out of metal?

Uh, I think it's twisted.

No, it's coming.
It's coming!

Oh, I don't know, Russ.
It's coming!

Shit! Fuck!

Why-- Why the hell
is it snowing now?

Why the fuck
is it snowing now?
Fuck! Fuck!

( siren wailing )
Uh-oh.

Don't say a word without
your lawyer, even if they
beat the crap out of you.

Not tonight. Nobody's beating
the crap out of me.

You get out of here.
I don't want you
mixed up in this.

If I go to jail,
I'm goin' alone.
Wait!

Your money's
in your briefcase!

No, Russ, don't do it!
Don't take that sled.
It's a piece of shit.

Take the 4-40!
Excellent power-to-weight
ratio.

What?
Two-year unlimited
service warranty!

A fix-it-yourself onboard
tool kit in the backseat!
Okay! Fine!

This beauty
is built for you!

Hand warmers, halogen lights,
special all-track suspension!

Shut your trap. I got it!

Don't pull the choke.
The lines are dry.

No, don't flood it.
You said don't pull the choke.

Finesse it, don't flood it.
It's like getting a chick off.
We went over this!

( engine revving )
All right, you fellas.

It looks like you're in need
of some assistance.

Get back!
Huh?

Back off!
Huh?

I said back off,
motherfucker!

Hey. Hey!

Ho! Oh, man!

Give me the case.

Whoo! Hoo-hoo!

Whoa!

Hail Yamaha.

Ah, Jesus Christ!

This night never ends.

( grunts )

( siren wailing )

♪ Let me loose
I just got back ♪

♪ I was pushed
And I got dragged ♪
Okay, kids!

Now it's time to play
the snowmobile game,

with your host,
Russ Richards!

♪ Destination anywhere ♪

♪ So far gone
I'm almost there ♪

♪ Can't you see
I can't deny ♪

♪ I'm outta here
Like I'm on fire ♪

Yeah! Whoa!
♪ Livin' like a caged-up
Animal, criminal ♪

♪ Television newsman
So subliminal ♪
Whoa!

♪ Bringing down the walls
Of wonderland ♪

Ohh!

♪ Just another highbrow cowboy
Tellin' me everything
And everyone ♪

♪ And all the things
I oughta be ♪

♪ Here I am
Your demolition man ♪♪
Oh, jeez! Aaah!

WOMAN:
Russ? Russ.

Russ.
No.

Russ.
No.

Russ!
Oh, my God.

How you feelin'?

Oh, you got pretty
banged up there.
That's beautiful.

We figured you'd be up
in a minute.

You were singing
"My Way" In your sleep.

You are so funny.
You're as funny in a coma
as you are on TV.

I can't believe I'm alive.
One more.

You get it?
Okay, you have a visitor
outside.

I'm gonna get your dinner,
and I'll be back in a minute,
okay?

Okay. Bye.
Yeah?

Okay, bye-bye.
Bye.

Please don't upset him.
I'm not gonna do anything
to upset him.

You're in big trouble,
mister.

No. Oh, god.
Yup.

You're gonna
have to pay for it.
I told them, officer.

I said it was a stupid idea
right from the start,
but nobody listened to me.

That's good. Remorse.
Nice candy.

'Cause, for starters,
we're looking at
three big ones.

Oh, god! Three big--
Three years?

Three hundred dollars.

What?

For the windshield.

Plus, there's this
little baby right here.

You'll have to put that
together with Scotch Tape,
but it still counts.

This-- This is a ticket.
Yeah.

For operating a class-two
vehicle without a license.
Weight class two.

Officer, can't this wait?
Mr. Richards is suffering
from a mild concussion.

We're talking.
It's not even filled out.
There's nothin' on it.

My pen ran out of ink.

Officer,
I really must insist.

From doing paperwork
all night, between you
and saving your boss' ass.

My boss?
Dick Simmons.

He's right down the hall here.
Wh-why is he here?

Some thug broke
into his house.

And broke both his legs
with a baseball bat.
Officer, please.

Boom.
Was it--
Was it Dale the thug?

Well, I don't know.
Some jerk with a plaid shirt.

But don't worry.
( imitating gunfire )

I killed him.

Oh, jeez, that's just--

Come on. Thank you.
( crowd clamoring )

Back, back, back, back!

Scoot! Scoot!
Yes!

( stifled chuckling ):
I can't stand it. Yes!

( loud clattering )

What?

( blubbering )

Dick, I'm back.

This is the lightning round.
I'm calling the shots now.

Quiet, I'm trying to ski.
Look, I got your money.

I'm gonna give it back,
but I need the ticket.
Where's the ticket?

It's my show--

Okay, this is the plan.
I'm docking you
for being an asshole.

And I'm docking Gig
for having people killed.

And I'm docking Crystal
for being a twisted,
psycho bitch!

Starting today, I decide
where the money goes.

If anyone doesn't like it,
we're all going to jail.
( blubbering )

( gasps )
Give me that ticket.

Where is it?
Where is the ticket?

I-- I gave it
to Larry King.

Uh, no--

Don't you care
to share your toys?

DAN:
The search is over.

The winner of last month's
$6.4 million lottery jackpot...

has finally stepped forward.

She's a waitress
at a local Denny's
right here in Harrisburg.

Pennsylvania's
newest multimillionaire
is Wendy Fawcett.

Thank you so much!
I don't know what to say.

I've never won anything
before in my life.

WOMAN:
Wendy, what are you
gonna do with the money?

I'm going to
put some of it in savings
and some of it in checking.

And the rest I'll be sharing
with a good friend.

And who's that?
I'm not telling you!
( cackling )

And we're giving a lot of it
away to the Big Brothers,

the Sunshiny Day Club,
Asthma--

MAN: Do you have asthma?
No.

But many people out there do.

Wendy, how did you pick
the numbers you played?

How did I what?

How did you choose
the winning numbers?

Oh, I get
what you're saying.

I-- Okay, I get it,
I get it! Um, wow.

Uh, let's see, uh,

seventy--
seventy is because...

a cheeseburger deluxe
with bacon...

is 70 cents extra.

And, um, 16--

when I was 16,
I went to a party.

And, uh, nine--

well, nine, we all know,
is just lucky.

Oh, man. And, um,

seven is--
I have seven Barbies,

not including the ones that
got their face chewed off...

by the next door neighbor's dog,
who's just such a great dog.

RUSS ( narrating ):
So there you have it-- a story
to tell your grandchildren.

Well, maybe not.

Dick Simmons was fired
from WTPA...

after calling the head
of the network "the luckiest
asshole on the planet."

He now teaches communications
at Pocono Community College.

Ethics.

Crystal married and divorced
a sickly 80-year-old
millionaire...

and sued him
for half his money.

She testified
he was a svengali,

a word she mispronounced
throughout the trial.

He was like--
like this "Svenjelly."

RUSS:
She lost the case.

♪ You're making
My dreams come true ♪
Ten.

She now works at Gig's
five nights a week.
Seventy-eight!

No cover charge,
free buffalo wings with coupon.

Thirty-nine!
Gig bought an obscure stock
called Microsoft in 1990.

He now divides his time
between Harrisburg
and his estate in Monaco.

♪ Listen to this ♪

♪ I've done
All my daydreamin' ♪

♪ Oh, that sleep walk
Should be over by now ♪

As for me, I moved
to St. Augustine, Florida,

where it hasn't snowed
in 50 years.

( engine starts )
And you know what?

I auditioned,
and I was back on TV.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
And now, it's time to play
North Florida Cable's...

second-most popular game show,
Lucky Numbers,

with your host,
Russ Richards.

Hey! How are ya?
( audience cheering )

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Hey. What
a great-looking audience.

My goodness,
I'd love to take you home
with me tonight.

How 'bout it?
Tonight, after the show?

Dinner for 250?
Okay.

I'll make the margaritas.
All right now.

( narrating ):
You know, sometimes I walk
past an appliance store...

and there are 45 TV sets
in the window,
and I'm on every one of 'em.

At times like that,
I say to myself, "Why me?"

I mean, "Why me?"

If I had to answer
the question, I'd have
to say, "Just lucky."

♪ You're making my dreams
Come true, doo-ooh, doo-doo
Doo-doo, doo-doo ♪♪

( rock music playing )

♪ Nights were warm ♪

♪ Dreams were easy ♪

♪ No one standin' ♪

♪ Overhead ♪

♪ Conversation ♪

♪ Didn't mean much ♪

♪ We were hungry
But we could not be fed ♪

♪ Radio blastin' ♪

♪ Silly little love songs ♪

♪ We only listened
For the beat ♪

♪ Takin' our chances ♪

♪ Out there
On the mean streets ♪

♪ Hiding in the shadows
From the heat ♪

♪ From the heat ♪

♪ We weren't lovers ♪

♪ Just brave strangers ♪

♪ As we fought and we tumbled
Through the night ♪

♪ We were players ♪

♪ Not arrangers ♪

♪ And we jammed
Till the dawn's early light ♪

♪ Swimming in the big lake ♪

♪ Taking it easy ♪

♪ Taking any comfort
We could find ♪

♪ Didn't need the real truth ♪

♪ Didn't need the meaning ♪

♪ Straight ahead
Ignoring every sign ♪

♪ Every sign ♪

♪ And, oh, I remember ♪

♪ I know you do too ♪

♪ Oh, that one evening ♪

♪ I know you do too ♪

♪ The moon flyin' high ♪

CHORUS:
♪ The moon flyin' high ♪

♪ And you took my hand ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ You took my hand ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ And it went all right ♪

♪ It went all right ♪

♪ It went all right ♪

♪ It went all right ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ So we walked out ♪

♪ Hardly speaking ♪

♪ Disappearing ♪

♪ In the night ♪

♪ Saw each other ♪

♪ A few times after ♪

♪ But we never
Really got it right ♪

♪ We weren't lovers ♪

♪ Just brave strangers ♪

♪ As we rolled and we tumbled
Through the night ♪

♪ We were players ♪

♪ Not arrangers ♪

♪ And we jammed
Till the dawn's early light ♪

♪ Just brave strangers ♪
♪ Early light ♪

♪ Just brave strangers ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

♪♪♪

♪ I can't wait
To go to heaven ♪

♪ Before I get my big reward ♪

♪ If I'm good I could ♪

♪ That's what they tell me
I've been workin' for ♪

♪ When I prove
That I can do it ♪

♪ That's when I'll get
My big reward ♪

♪ Keep that big wheel turnin' ♪

♪ And my number
Will come up for sure ♪

♪ I'm gonna get
My big reward ♪

♪ Wanna get my big reward ♪

♪ Wanna have it all sewn up ♪

♪ Before I'm all grown up ♪

♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪

♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪

♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ Never mind
The odds against us ♪

♪ I won't give up
My big reward ♪

♪ We have to take our chances ♪

♪ We got a plan
And we can make a score ♪

♪ I'm gonna get my big reward ♪

♪ Wanna get my big reward ♪

♪ Wanna have it all sewn up ♪

♪ Before I'm all grown up ♪

♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪

♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪

♪ Right now ♪♪