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1
00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:12,303
OSCAR, TOBY SAID
HE LEFT MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES
2
00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:13,471
ON MY CHAIR.
3
00:00:13,513 --> 00:00:14,681
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?
4
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:17,225
WAIT, I'M SITTING ON THEM.
[laughter]
5
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,435
THIS IS AWESOME.
6
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:20,311
THANK YOU.
IT DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THAT LONG.
7
00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:22,522
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A CHIMICHANGA,
8
00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:25,650
A CHALUPA,
AND A TOSTADA?
9
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:29,696
CALL ME BACK ASAP.
10
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:31,197
IT'S URGENT.
11
00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:33,491
[laughter]
THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
12
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:34,701
I DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.
13
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,537
[laughs]
SAY, "ME EAT COOKIE."
14
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,414
NO.
I WON'T SAY IT.
15
00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:40,957
WHY IS EVERYONE CLUMPED
AROUND ACCOUNTING?
16
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:42,250
BREAK IT UP,
YOU CLIQUE.
17
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:43,710
IT'S KEVIN
AS COOKIE MONSTER
18
00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:44,836
FROM SESAME STREET.
19
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,171
IS THAT THE PROGRAM
20
00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:47,547
WHERE ALL THOSE PUPPETS
LIVE IN THE BARRIO?
21
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:48,923
- MM-HMM.
- I LOVE THAT SHOW.
22
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:51,176
I WAS ACTUALLY CAST IN THE
CHINESE LANGUAGE VERSION
23
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,428
OF SESAME STREET.
TURNED IT DOWN.
24
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:55,013
WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE.
25
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,724
THIS IS KEVIN.
THIS IS KEVIN.
26
00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:58,975
THANK YOU.
27
00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,477
THAT IS AN AMUSING LINK.
28
00:01:00,518 --> 00:01:01,853
- I'D LIKE IT SENT TO ME, PLEASE.
- YES.
29
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:02,854
ME TOO, OSCAR.
PLEASE SEND IT TO ME.
30
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,190
- [all agreeing]
- C.C. ME.
31
00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,692
ANGELA,
THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE.
32
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,402
THIS IS MY FAVORITE DAY.
33
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:12,405
{\an8}[cheerful music]
34
00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:19,412
{\an8}♪ ♪
35
00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:32,550
{\an8}IT'S SECRETARY'S DAY.
36
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,929
{\an8}AND IT IS ERIN'S
AND MY THREE-WEEK ANNIVERSARY.
37
00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:40,350
{\an8}SO PERFECT STORM
FOR A ROMANTIC GESTURE.
38
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:41,893
{\an8}WANNA MAKE SURE
THE WHOLE OFFICE REMEMBERS
39
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,103
{\an8}IT'S SECRETARY'S DAY.
40
00:01:43,144 --> 00:01:45,355
{\an8}I SENT AN EMAIL BLAST,
A TEXT BLAST,
41
00:01:45,397 --> 00:01:47,190
{\an8}A GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED
TALK BLAST.
42
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,567
{\an8}I SENT A SNAIL MAIL BLAST
A WEEK AGO.
43
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:52,362
{\an8}AND A STERN REMINDER VIA FAX
AT 7:00 THIS MORNING,
44
00:01:52,404 --> 00:01:53,905
{\an8}SO PEOPLE BETTER STEP UP
45
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,616
{\an8}AND APPRECIATE THE CRAP
OUT OF ERIN.
46
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:57,784
{\an8}- HERE YOU GO.
- OH, THANK YOU.
47
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,035
{\an8}I DO.
48
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:03,623
{\an8}THANK YOU.
[clatter]
49
00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,750
{\an8}IF IT WASN'T
FOR SECRETARIES,
50
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,961
{\an8}I WOULDN'T HAVE A STEPMOM.
51
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:10,005
{\an8}- WELCOME BACK.
- HEY, THANKS.
52
00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:12,590
{\an8}IT'S MY FIRST DAY BACK
AFTER MATERNITY LEAVE.
53
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,926
{\an8}AND I MISS CECE,
OF COURSE.
54
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,928
{\an8}BUT WE NEED THE MONEY.
55
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,431
{\an8}WHAT WAS MATERNITY LEAVE LIKE?
56
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,641
{\an8}OH, HOW DO I EXPLAIN IT?
57
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:22,934
{\an8}IT ROCKED.
58
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,937
{\an8}IT ROCKED MY ASS OFF.
59
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:29,357
{\an8}OH.
YOU COULDN'T HAVE WATERED IT?
60
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,651
{\an8}I LITERALLY DID NOT KNOW
THAT EXISTED
61
00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,403
{\an8}UNTIL THIS MOMENT.
62
00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:36,990
{\an8}WELL, I KNEW IT EXISTED,
AND I CHOSE TO LET IT DIE.
63
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:39,284
{\an8}IT'S NICE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN, DWIGHT.
64
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:40,660
{\an8}I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU
65
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,412
{\an8}USED YOUR MATERNITY LEAVE
WISELY--
66
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:44,664
{\an8}NURSING YOUR INFANT, EXPOSING
IT TO THE NATURAL WORLD.
67
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,958
{\an8}BUT I SUSPECT YOU SQUANDERED IT
ON YOUR HOBBY
68
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,668
{\an8}OF WATERCOLOR PAINTING.
69
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,128
{\an8}I DID DO SOME PAINTING, YES.
70
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:53,298
{\an8}OH, THERE'S SO MUCH BEAUTY
IN THIS FENCE.
71
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:56,885
{\an8}OH, WHAT CAN THIS WINDOWSILL
TELL ME ABOUT LIFE?
72
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:59,304
{\an8}OHH--GARBAGE.
73
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,389
{\an8}I THINK YOU SHOULD ONLY
BE ABLE TO PAINT THE PRESIDENT.
74
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,516
{\an8}OR, IN A PERFECT WORLD,
THE KAISER.
75
00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:06,519
{\an8}OH.
76
00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:09,189
{\an8}WHO LEFT CUPCAKES
ON MY DESK FOR SIX WEEKS?
77
00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:10,982
{\an8}THERE'S FRUIT FLIES EVERYWHERE.
78
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,901
{\an8}LOOK AT THOSE TENACIOUS BASTARDS.
79
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:14,819
{\an8}OKAY. OH!
80
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,321
{\an8}MY DESK IS FILLED WITH MAGGOTS.
81
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:19,115
{\an8}THOSE ARE MINE. I WAS
BREEDING 'EM FOR PERSONAL USE.
82
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,493
{\an8}BUT I HAD NOTHING TO DO
WITH THE FRUIT FLIES, OKAY?
83
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,330
{\an8}- OH, WHAT?
- AHH!
84
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,083
{\an8}OH, YOU HAVE ONE BABY,
AND IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
85
00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,126
{\an8}BUT A FLY HAS A THOUSAND
MAGGOT BABIES,
86
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:33,838
- AND IT'S DISGUSTING?
- MM-HMM.
87
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,840
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE--
LIVING OR DEAD--
88
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,593
FOR ME TO FIND ON MY DESK?
89
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,303
- HEY, BOSS. YOU GOT A MINUTE?
- I DO.
90
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:41,888
I ACTUALLY HAVE 58 MINUTES,
91
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:43,306
ACCORDING TO THESE
DOWNLOAD BARS.
92
00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,183
I WAS JUST WONDERING
WHAT YOU HAD PLANNED
93
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,267
FOR SECRETARY'S DAY.
94
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,312
I'M GOING TO GIVE ERIN $15.
95
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,939
IS THAT LIKE A TIP?
THAT'S WEIRD.
96
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:52,023
NO, NO, NO.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
97
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,608
I ALWAYS USE TO DO WITH PAM.
98
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:56,236
SEE, PAM DECIDED THAT
SHE WOULD RATHER HAVE
99
00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:58,154
THE CASH VALUE
OF HER HALF OF LUNCH,
100
00:03:58,196 --> 00:03:59,698
WERE I TO TAKE HER OUT.
101
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:02,867
SO SHE PROMISES EVERY YEAR
TO TAKE THAT MONEY,
102
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,994
GO TO COOPERS,
AND BUY HERSELF A SUNDAE.
103
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:09,207
YEAH. I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT WORKED.
104
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,919
A SUNDAE.
THAT WAS AWESOME.
105
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:16,631
PAM'S KIND OF A
ARTSY LONER TYPE.
106
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:20,385
I KNOW
THAT ERIN WOULD BE SO PSYCHED
107
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:21,678
IF YOU TOOK HER
OUT TO LUNCH.
108
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,805
- A ONE-ON-ONE LUNCH WITH ERIN?
- YEAH.
109
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,390
SHE REALLY LOOKS UP TO YOU.
110
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,726
AND THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH
WE CAN DO AS HER COWORKERS.
111
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:31,312
SECRETARY'S DAY IS REALLY KIND
OF A BOSS-SECRETARY THING.
112
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:36,776
SHE'S KIND OF A RUBE.
113
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:38,820
THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
114
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,238
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
115
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,573
OKAY.
I'LL TAKE HER TO LUNCH.
116
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:44,325
- [tapping desk]
- SHE'S GONNA BE SO PSYCHED.
117
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,536
HI, ERIN.
HAPPY SECRETARY'S DAY.
118
00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:47,954
WELL, HAPPY BOSS'S DAY.
119
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,789
THERE WOULDN'T BE A SECRETARY
IF THERE WAS NO BOSS.
120
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,916
I WANTED TO KNOW
WHAT YOUR PLANS FOR LUNCH WERE
121
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:55,295
BECAUSE I WAS HOPING
TO ASK YOU TO...
122
00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:56,504
LUNCH.
123
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,715
I GOT A PICTURE
OF YOU ASKING ME TO LUNCH.
124
00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:00,967
I WAS THINKING
WE COULD GO TO HAYWORTH'S.
125
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,552
- UGH.
- JUST THE TWO OF US.
126
00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:04,471
WELL, HAYWORTH'S
IS MORE BUSINESS CASUAL,
127
00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:06,097
AND THEY ALWAYS SCREW UP
YOUR ORDER.
128
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,558
- SO I'M...
- YEAH, OKAY.
129
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,352
YEAH, THAT WAS
A STUPID SUGGESTION.
130
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,936
I WAS THINKING
SOMEPLACE SPECIAL,
131
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,521
SO I THOUGHT HAYWORTH'S,
BUT...
132
00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:14,856
OKAY, WELL,
WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING.
133
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:16,232
OH.
134
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,320
OKAY, LET'S GO
TO HAYWORTH'S.
135
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:21,613
OKAY.
136
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:23,239
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD
TO ONE-ON-ONE TIME
137
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:24,699
WITH MICHAEL SO MUCH.
138
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,327
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYONE THAT
I ADMIRE AS MUCH AS HIM.
139
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,623
HE'S EVEN BETTER
THAN SULLY SULLENBERGER
140
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:33,583
BECAUSE MICHAEL WOULD'VE
TOLD US FUNNY JOKES
141
00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:36,461
AS HE WAS LANDING THE PLANE
IN THAT RIVER.
142
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,797
"BE CAREFUL AS YOU
EXIT THE PLANE.
143
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:42,550
SWIM TO THE LEFT, OR YOU'LL
END UP IN NEW JERSEY."
144
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,929
WELL, I CAN'T DO IT
AS GOOD AS MICHAEL, BUT--
145
00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:47,889
HAVE A COOKIE, KEV.
146
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,891
YEAH, HA HA.
TRAY OF COOKIES.
147
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,309
I'M NOT FALLING
FOR THAT.
148
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,852
I BROUGHT THOSE IN.
149
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,270
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
150
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,314
THAT'S SOME STONE-COLD
NARCISSISM RIGHT THERE.
151
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,441
MAN, DARRYL,
I'M SORRY.
152
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:02,278
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- THANK YOU.
153
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,489
[as Cookie Monster]
YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM, YUM.
154
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,616
[laughter]
155
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:08,118
THEY'RE MAKING FUN
OF COOKIE MONSTER.
156
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:09,369
I GET THAT.
157
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,746
BUT IN A STRANGE WAY,
IT FEELS
158
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,082
LIKE THEY'RE MAKING FUN OF ME.
159
00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:18,128
OSCAR, DID YOU EAT
SOME OF MY M&M'S?
160
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,630
- THE LEVEL--
- THIS IS VIOLENT AND OFFENSIVE.
161
00:06:20,672 --> 00:06:22,424
THANK YOU.
162
00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:24,592
IT REALLY MAKE ME
SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY VOICE.
163
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:29,180
- IT'S AWFUL.
- I'M NOT CRYING.
164
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,557
YOU HAVE SOME FOOD
ON YOUR FACE.
165
00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:33,935
DO MY HANDS FEEL SWEATY
TO YOU?
166
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:36,396
THE BEGINNING HERE HAS BEEN
A LITTLE BIT OF A FIASCO.
167
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:40,817
EITHER THEY DON'T RESPECT ME
OR THEY RESPECT ME TOO MUCH.
168
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:44,070
AND SOME OF THEM STILL THINK
THAT I'M THE I.T. GUY.
169
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:46,448
THIS COOKIE MONSTER THING
IS AN OPPORTUNITY
170
00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:49,075
TO SHOW PEOPLE
THAT I'M AN AUTHORITY FIGURE.
171
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:52,787
HELLO, EVERYONE.
172
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:56,041
IF I MIGHT HAVE
A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME.
173
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,209
IT'S COME TO MY ATTENTION
THAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN WATCHING
174
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,712
AND LAUGHING
AT A HURTFUL PARODY VIDEO.
175
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:04,174
IT IS NOW FORBIDDEN TO TALK,
JOKE ABOUT,
176
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,175
OR EMAIL THIS AROUND.
177
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,551
YEAH.
178
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:07,802
AND THAT'S STRAIGHT
FROM CORPORATE.
179
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:10,263
SO, NOT TO BE SCARY,
180
00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:11,806
BUT, YEAH,
I WOULD LISTEN TO ME.
181
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,725
AND THAT'S ALL.
182
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,685
CIAO.
183
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,487
WOULD YOU MIND
IF I LISTEN TO MY BOOK ON TAPE?
184
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,697
I'M KIND OF A BOOKWORM.
185
00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:30,325
THIS IS A NOVELIZATION
OF THE MOVIE
186
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,494
PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE BOOK
PUSH BY SAPPHIRE.
187
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,913
I WAS THINKING IT WOULD BE FUN
TO TALK ON THE WAY OVER.
188
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:38,375
SO WHAT DECADE WOULD YOU HAVE
CHOSEN TO BE A TEENAGER?
189
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,088
I DON'T KNOW.
190
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,423
I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN
THE 1490s.
191
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,759
'CAUSE AMERICA WAS DISCOVERED.
192
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,011
RIGHT.
193
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,763
[sighs]
194
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,516
AND THEN MY LAST JOB
WAS AT A TACO BELL EXPRESS.
195
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,267
BUT THEN IT BECAME
A FULL TACO BELL,
196
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,645
AND I DON'T KNOW,
I COULDN'T KEEP UP.
197
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,897
YOU KNOW WHAT, I SAW A STACK
OF THE PENNY SAVER UP FRONT.
198
00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:04,818
I THINK I MIGHT GO CHECK OUT
WHAT'S GOING ON.
199
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,695
MY FAVORITE PART
ABOUT BEING A RECEPTIONIST
200
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:08,321
IS THAT I GET TO HAVE
MY OWN DESK.
201
00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,240
IN MY FOSTER HOME,
I NEVER HAD A DESK.
202
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:13,076
SO IT'S LIKE--I DON'T MEAN THAT
I DIDN'T LIKE MY FOSTER HOME.
203
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,369
I DID LIKE IT.
204
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,204
I JUST DIDN'T HAVE
A DESK THERE.
205
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,164
DID YOU HAVE
A FAVORITE AGE?
206
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:20,208
OR MONTH?
207
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:21,543
AN AGE OR MONTH?
208
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,628
YEAH,
LIKE A FAVORITE MONTH.
209
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,588
LIKE, I LIKE APRIL
WHEN I WAS SEVEN.
210
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,340
I'VE BEEN TRYING.
I'VE BEEN TRYING
211
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,843
TO KEEP IT GOING.
212
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,514
ERIN IS JUST WEIRD.
213
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:36,391
HOW MANY PILLOWS
DO YOU SLEEP ON AT NIGHT?
214
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,476
SO HOW ARE THINGS GOING
WITH ANDY?
215
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,687
HE'S THE BEST BOYFRIEND
IN THE WORLD.
216
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,274
TELL ME ABOUT HIM
BEFORE I MET HIM.
217
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:46,234
WELL, LET'S SEE.
218
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:49,237
UM...
ANDY.
219
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,488
PLAYS THE BANJO.
220
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,407
YEAH. I LOVE THAT.
221
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,951
OTHER THAN THE FACT
THAT HE DATED ANGELA,
222
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:57,078
I DON'T THINK
HE IS A SNAPPY DRESSER.
223
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,496
WHAT?
224
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,331
I DON'T THINK
HE IS THE BEST DRESSER.
225
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:04,044
- REMINDS ME OF EASTER.
- SORRY. ABOUT ANGELA?
226
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,754
DID YOU SAY HE DATED ANGELA?
227
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,380
MM-HMM.
228
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:08,965
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT?
229
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,593
- OH.
- HERE WE GO. HOT PLATE.
230
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:14,220
- OKAY.
- AND YOUR SALAD, MISS.
231
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,306
WHY WOULDN'T HE TELL ME THAT?
232
00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:18,016
I DON'T KNOW.
233
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,352
PROBABLY DIDN'T WANT YOU
TO HAVE A MENTAL IMAGE
234
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,936
OF HIM HAVING SEX
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
235
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,605
THEY HAD SEX?
236
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:25,523
THEY WERE ENGAGED, SO...
237
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,235
OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT, SIR?
238
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,862
YES.
239
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,447
YEAH, I ASKED FOR PICKLES
WITH MY BURGER,
240
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:33,823
AND THERE ARE ONLY, LIKE,
FIVE OR SIX.
241
00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:35,075
COULD I GET
SOME MORE PICKLES?
242
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,452
OF COURSE.
I'LL GET YOU A BOWL OF PICKLES.
243
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:40,246
- THANK YOU.
- THEY WERE ENGAGED?
244
00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,248
MM-HMM.
245
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:43,625
YEAH.
246
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,420
- UH-OH.
- WELL...
247
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:53,009
[moans]
248
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,011
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
249
00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:58,431
IN THE FOSTER HOME,
MY HAIR WAS MY ROOM.
250
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:02,310
[exhales]
251
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,437
[prolonged exclaiming]
252
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:05,522
OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
253
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:06,690
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
254
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,274
EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT YOU
RIGHT NOW.
255
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:10,944
[breathes heavily]
256
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:13,238
[groans]
257
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:14,906
I'LL HAVE
WHAT SHE'S HAVING.
258
00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:24,249
DID YOU HAVE A--
DID YOU LIKE YOUR LUNCH?
259
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,960
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD LUNCH?
260
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:29,754
DID YOU LIKE THAT?
DID YOU ENJOY YOUR FOOD?
261
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,923
IT WAS GOOD.
I LIKED MY LUNCH.
262
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,550
OOH.
263
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:34,926
AH-AH-AH. HA-HA.
264
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,345
- WHAT'S UP?
- HER MILK IS COMING IN.
265
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:38,346
SHE'S GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE.
266
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,764
DWIGHT,
DON'T BE GROSS.
267
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,350
NO, NO,
HE'S RIGHT.
268
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,685
SAME THING HAPPENS
WITH MY COWS
269
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:45,687
IF I DON'T TEND THEM
FREQUENTLY ENOUGH.
270
00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,981
YOU GOTTA MILK THEM,
OR ELSE THEY'LL MOO LIKE CRAZY.
271
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,315
THAT'S WEIRD.
MY BREAST PUMP IS MISSING.
272
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:50,734
HAVE YOU SEEN MY BREAST PUMP?
273
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,028
ALL RIGHT,
THIS IS GONNA TRAUMATIZE ME
274
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:56,489
A HELL OF A LOT MORE
THAN YOU, BELIEVE ME.
275
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:57,866
YOU KNOW WHAT, DWIGHT?
276
00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,325
LET ME JUST CHECK
THE BATHROOM FIRST.
277
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,618
- OKAY?
- REALLY? FINE.
278
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,620
LET YOUR BREASTS EXPLODE.
279
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,956
THREE SQUEEZES
AND I WOULD DRAIN YOU.
280
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,791
MM.
281
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:10,337
MEREDITH!
282
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:11,546
I JUST LIKE THE WAY
IT FEELS.
283
00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:12,630
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
284
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,049
- RELAX. OKAY.
- RELAX?
285
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,301
THIS IS LIKE THE CADILLAC
OF PUMPS.
286
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:17,469
GIVE IT BACK TO ME NOW.
287
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,012
OKAY, I WAS JUST
WARMING IT UP.
288
00:11:19,054 --> 00:11:21,014
IT'S DISGUSTING!
289
00:11:21,056 --> 00:11:22,599
- IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
- IT'S NOT STERILE!
290
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,726
WE'RE BOTH GIRLS.
WHO CARES?
291
00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:28,063
KINDA GOING THROUGH
A DRY SPELL RIGHT NOW.
292
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,578
SO...
293
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,080
HOW WAS LUNCH?
294
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:46,623
LUNCH WAS FINE.
295
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:50,126
WAS IT EVERYTHING THAT YOU
HOPED AND DREAMED IT MIGHT BE?
296
00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:53,254
I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS LUNCH, ANDY.
297
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:56,174
WELL, I KNOW.
[stammers]
298
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,842
JUST WANT--
I MEAN...
299
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:01,429
- [chuckles]
- ERIN?
300
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:02,889
I THINK WE'RE OUT
OF FAX COVER SHEETS.
301
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,432
GOD, OSCAR,
WILL YOU KEEP YOUR PANTS ON?
302
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,184
IT'S EASY.
303
00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:10,188
[drawer shuts]
304
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,773
[as Cookie Monster]
"MY NAME IS KEVIN.
305
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:13,316
I'M AN ACCOUNTANT."
306
00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:14,776
SEE, I DID THE VOICE.
307
00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:16,778
THAT'S A LITTLE DERIVATIVE.
308
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,154
BUT PARODY
IS ALWAYS DERIVATIVE.
309
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:19,739
UH, IT'S NOT ORGANIC.
310
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:21,282
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- JIM DOES A REALLY GOOD ONE.
311
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:22,575
- DO YOURS.
- OH, GUYS.
312
00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:24,160
I REALLY REFUSE
TO PARTICIPATE.
313
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:27,414
"MICHAEL, CAN I HAVE
AN ADVANCE ON MY PAYCHECK
314
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:30,792
BECAUSE A MRS. FIELD COOKIE
JUST OPENED UP AT THE MALL."
315
00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:32,627
GUYS, WHY DON'T WE LEAVE
THE PARODIES
316
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:34,546
TO THE PROS AT MADtv?
317
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:38,591
"SORRY, GABE, BUT THAT SHOW
HASN'T BEEN ON IN MANY COOKIES."
318
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,677
OKAY.
319
00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:42,846
HEY, CAN I HAVE
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
320
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,931
FIRST OF ALL,
THANKS TO EVERYONE
321
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,058
FOR HELPING PUT
THIS AWESOME PARTY TOGETHER.
322
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:50,395
AND A VERY SPECIAL SHOUT-OUT
TO THE CHAIR
323
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,648
OF THE PARTY PLANNING COMMITTEE,
MISS ANGELA MARTIN.
324
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:55,567
YOU HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF.
325
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:56,985
[applause]
326
00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:58,737
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE
327
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,989
THAT ANGELA'S NOT SO GREAT, SO...
328
00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:02,490
I AM SAYING
THE EXACT OPPOSITE.
329
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:03,700
ANGELA IS FANTASTIC.
330
00:13:03,742 --> 00:13:05,285
NO. NO. NO.
331
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:08,079
- SPECIFIC SHOUT-OUT...
- STOP TALKING.
332
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,330
OKAY.
333
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,957
AS SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW,
334
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:14,044
I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL CONNECTION
TO SECRETARY'S DAY
335
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:18,131
IN THE FORM OF THAT 115-POUND
MOONBEAM OVER THERE
336
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:19,799
NAMED ERIN HANNON.
337
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,009
TO A LOT OF YOU
SHE MAY JUST BE THE PERSON
338
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,761
WHO BRINGS YOU
YOUR FAX CONFIRMATIONS,
339
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,847
BUT TO ME,
SHE IS MY GIRLFRIEND...
340
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:27,766
IN ADDITION TO BEING
THE PERSON
341
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,018
WHO BRINGS ME
MY FAX CONFIRMATIONS.
342
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:35,398
SO I WROTE A
[English accent] LITTLE DITTY
343
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,776
THAT I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY
FOR ALL OF YOU RIGHT NOW.
344
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,154
IT'S A LITTLE TUNE CALLED
345
00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:45,241
SECRETARY OF LOVE.
346
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:46,743
A ONE,
A TWO,
347
00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:48,703
A ONE, TWO, THREE--
[gasping]
348
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:49,996
I KNOW ABOUT ANGELA.
349
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:52,165
I KNOW
THAT YOU WERE ENGAGED TO HER
350
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:53,333
AND THAT YOU WERE SLEEPING
WITH HER.
351
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:55,377
- MICHAEL TOLD ME.
- OH, GOD.
352
00:13:55,418 --> 00:13:57,504
ERIN, CAN WE TALK
ABOUT THIS IN PRIVATE?
353
00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:58,463
I DON'T WANT IT
TO BE IN PRIVATE.
354
00:13:58,505 --> 00:13:59,881
IS IT TRUE OR IS IT NOT?
355
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,804
- YES.
- WHO ELSE DID YOU SLEEP WITH?
356
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:09,432
DID YOU SLEEP WITH PHYLLIS
OR KELLY OR PAM?
357
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:10,850
MAYBE ALL TOGETHER?
358
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,560
- NO. NO, NEVER.
- DID EVERYONE KNOW?
359
00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:13,812
WAS I THE ONLY ONE
WHO DIDN'T KNOW?
360
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,772
- YEAH, PRETTY MUCH.
- PRETTY MUCH.
361
00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:18,733
WHO ARE YOU?
I DON'T KNOW YOU.
362
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,193
I DON'T KNOW YOU!
363
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,074
I SHOULD PROBABLY GET INVOLVED
IN THIS,
364
00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:28,618
BUT I THINK MY ENERGY
IS BETTER SPENT
365
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:31,037
ON THE COOKIE MONSTER ISSUE.
366
00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,748
ERIN, YOU KNOW,
IF I HAD BEEN ENGAGED
367
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,333
TO ANYBODY BEFORE YOU,
368
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,627
I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.
369
00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:38,753
THANKS.
370
00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:40,755
SO IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,
371
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,215
I'M RIGHT OVER THERE.
372
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:46,761
"HEY, ERIN,
YOU LOOK DELICIOUS.
373
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,888
I MEAN,
BEAUTIFUL."
374
00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:50,890
- [snickers]
- OKAY.
375
00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:53,143
OKAY. THERE.
I HEARD THAT.
376
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,855
SO I'M SORRY, PAM,
BUT THAT'S IT.
377
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,065
I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO SUSPEND YOU WITHOUT PAY
378
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:00,400
- FOR TWO DAYS.
- WHOA.
379
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,235
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SUSPEND ME?
380
00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:03,945
I THINK YOU NEED
TO GO A LITTLE EASY.
381
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,613
YOU CAN'T JUST SUSPEND SOMEONE
FROM WORK.
382
00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:06,823
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
383
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,616
UM, YOU'RE SUSPENDED TOO, JIM.
384
00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,827
[laughs]
385
00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:14,456
- OKAY.
- FINE. YOU TOO, DWIGHT.
386
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:15,665
WAIT, WHAT?
387
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:16,791
I WAS JUST SLOW-CLAPPING
388
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,043
YOUR NO-NONSENSE
DECISION-MAKING.
389
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,544
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.
390
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:22,213
SUSPENDED.
391
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:25,967
"C" IS FOR SUSPENSION.
392
00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:30,555
THAT IS CRAZY.
393
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,474
I KNOW.
ALL I DID WAS CLAP.
394
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:35,143
SOUNDS LIKE HE'S TRYING
TO PROVE SOMETHING. SOMETHING.
395
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:36,644
- YEAH, THAT'S A BUMMER.
- YEAH.
396
00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:39,731
IT'S LIKE THAT GUY WHO WAS
MEAN TO ME AT THE CAR WASH.
397
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:40,857
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE,
WHAT WAS--
398
00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:42,567
TOBY, WE JUST NEED
TO FIND OUT
399
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:45,320
IF GABE CAN SUSPEND US OR NOT.
400
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:48,156
OH. YOU'RE HERE
'CAUSE I'M HR.
401
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:49,866
WHY ELSE WOULD WE BE HERE?
402
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:55,372
UM, YEAH.
I'LL LOOK INTO IT.
403
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,374
AND YOU'D LIKE ME
TO DO IT THIS INSTANCE.
404
00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,084
- CAN I JUST FINISH MY BAN--
- YEAH.
405
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,169
NEVER--NEVERMIND.
406
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,845
I'LL--I'LL CALL YOU.
407
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:13,306
WITH THE--
408
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,815
[huffs]
409
00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:39,499
WHY DID YOU TELL HER?
410
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,584
I THOUGHT THAT SHE KNEW, OBVIOUSLY.
411
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:44,045
I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WAS LACED WITH DECEIT.
412
00:16:44,087 --> 00:16:47,465
WHY WOULD THAT BE SOMETHING
THAT YOU WOULD TALK ABOUT
413
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,800
ON SECRETARY'S DAY?
414
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,260
ANDY, SHE'S NOT
THE EASIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD
415
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,803
TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH.
416
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,263
ALL RIGHT?
AND BESIDES,
417
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:55,306
WHO DOESN'T TELL
THEIR GIRLFRIEND
418
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,267
THAT THEY WERE ENGAGED
TO SOMEONE
419
00:16:57,308 --> 00:16:59,060
WHO WORKS FOUR FEET
AWAY FROM THEM?
420
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,937
THAT'S LIKE--
THAT'S--
421
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:02,063
THAT'S, LIKE,
MR. AND MRS. SMITH CRAP.
422
00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:03,481
I WAS GONNA TELL HER,
423
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:04,774
JUST ON MY OWN TIME.
424
00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:06,818
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I RESENT THE IMPLICATION
425
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,319
THAT I WOULD KEEP
THAT SECRET.
426
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,947
EVERYONE HERE KNOWS
THAT I CAN'T
427
00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:13,658
AND WON'T KEEP A SECRET.
428
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:14,993
WHO CARES?
429
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:18,830
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
I KILLED SOMEBODY.
430
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,331
BIG DEAL, RIGHT?
431
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,250
THIS IS GONNA BLOW OVER
IN TWO SECONDS.
432
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:24,461
SHE NEVER ASKED ME,
SO, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT...
433
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,796
I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER,
I GUESS.
434
00:17:26,838 --> 00:17:28,506
EVERYBODY DOES STUPID THINGS.
435
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,344
HEY, KIDDO.
436
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:35,388
- HOW YOU HOLDIN' UP?
- NOT GREAT, RYAN.
437
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:37,265
NOT GREAT.
438
00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:38,850
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GREAT
ABOUT YOU?
439
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,226
A LOT OF GIRLS
WOULD'VE JUST RUN OUT
440
00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,187
WHEN THEY HEARD THAT NEWS
AND HOOKED UP
441
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,439
IN SOME CHEAP BAR
WITH THE FIRST RANDOM GUY
442
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,524
- WHO BOUGHT 'EM A DRINK.
- I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT.
443
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,526
'CAUSE WHERE'S THE TENDERNESS
IN SOME HOOKUP
444
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:51,321
WITH SOME RANDOM DUDE
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE AGAIN?
445
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:53,656
LOOK, KELLY IS
YOUR BEST FRIEND.
446
00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:55,075
KELLY IS MY GIRLFRIEND.
447
00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:57,077
I THINK I SPEAK
FOR BOTH OF US WHEN I SAY
448
00:17:57,118 --> 00:18:00,372
WE BOTH WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.
449
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,248
YOU GUYS ARE
SUCH GOOD FRIENDS.
450
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,750
THE ODDS ARE ALWAYS
BEST FOR A THREEWAY
451
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,960
IF ONE OF THE PARTIES
IS EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL
452
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,337
OR IMPULSIVE.
453
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:09,005
YOU LOOK SO GOOD RIGHT NOW.
454
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:11,049
- WHAT?
- OH, ERIN.
455
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,093
I AM SO SORRY.
456
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,553
YEAH. HEY, GIRL.
457
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:18,973
- WE'RE HERE FOR YOU, OKAY?
- YEAH. OH. I--
458
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:22,102
PSST.
HEY.
459
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,646
- ERIN.
- YOU WANNA TALK TO ME,
460
00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:27,065
COME TO MY DESK.
461
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:37,951
YOU EMBARRASSED ME EARLIER.
462
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:40,578
OH, TAKE IT UP
WITH THE CHIEF OF POLICE.
463
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,580
YOU THINK
I WANT PEOPLE REMEMBERING
464
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,291
I HAD SENSUAL RELATIONS
WITH ANDY?
465
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,751
IT'S THE KIND OF THING YOU WISH
YOU COULD HAVE ANNULLED.
466
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,795
I WANT TO THROW UP
JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
467
00:18:48,837 --> 00:18:50,797
I WANT TO THROW UP
JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
468
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:53,591
YOU ARE THROWING UP
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
469
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,636
I DON'T THINK
THIS FAX IS GOING THROUGH.
470
00:18:56,678 --> 00:18:58,763
OH.
471
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,099
IS THERE A DIFFERENT...
472
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:02,976
I CAN JUST PUT IT THROUGH
AGAIN, YOU KNOW.
473
00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:13,903
HEY.
474
00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:17,365
YOU KNOW,
I WAS ENGAGED BEFORE JIM.
475
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:19,367
REALLY?
476
00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:22,078
YEAH.
AND HE WORKED HERE, TOO.
477
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,914
IT WAS ANDY,
WASN'T IT?
478
00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:26,541
NO, NO,
IT WASN'T ANDY.
479
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,501
IT WASN'T.
480
00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:30,962
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
481
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:33,923
IT'S NOT ABOUT
WHO YOU'VE BEEN WITH.
482
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,633
IT'S ABOUT WHO YOU END UP WITH.
483
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,887
SOMETIMES THE HEART DOESN'T
KNOW WHAT IT WANTS
484
00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:41,264
UNTIL IT FINDS
WHAT IT WANTS.
485
00:19:46,311 --> 00:19:49,731
I HOPE YOU FIND
WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
486
00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:54,527
THANK YOU.
487
00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:09,376
SO I CAN REPRIMAND THEM,
BUT I CAN'T SUSPEND THEM.
488
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,797
OH, I CAN'T DO EITHER.
489
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:15,548
UH-HUH.
FAIR ENOUGH.
490
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:17,342
- [phone rings]
- HEY, TOBY.
491
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,803
I CALLED TALLAHASSEE.
HE CAN ASK YOU NOT TO COME IN,
492
00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,346
BUT HE CAN'T DOCK YOUR PAY.
493
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:23,348
- THAT'S NOT LEGAL.
- VERY INTERESTING.
494
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:24,933
YEAH, I ALSO LEARNED
SOME INTERESTING THINGS
495
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:25,975
ABOUT HOW THEY STRUCTURE--
496
00:20:26,017 --> 00:20:27,852
THANKS, TOBY.
497
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,980
HEY, EVERYONE. HI.
498
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:32,691
QUITE AN AFTERNOON,
HUH?
499
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,359
CATHARTIC IN A WAY.
500
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,403
I'M GLAD THAT I GOT
TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.
501
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:39,197
IT MAKES YOU THINK
ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT.
502
00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:41,032
IT'S NOT ABOUT SHOWING
YOU'RE IN CHARGE
503
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,201
OR FLEXING
SOME SORT OF AUTHORITY.
504
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:44,536
IT'S ABOUT FORGIVENESS.
505
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,329
AND, YES, I'M TALKING
ABOUT YOU THREE
506
00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:47,664
IN THIS DESK CLUMP
RIGHT HERE.
507
00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:49,958
I THINK THAT,
IF YOU WERE TO APOLOGIZE TO ME,
508
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,377
THEN I WOULD REVOKE
YOUR SUSPENSION.
509
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,546
I DON'T THINK
AN APOLOGY IS ENOUGH.
510
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,716
I REALLY THINK THE ONLY WAY
FOR ME TO LEARN MY LESSON
511
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,384
IS TO TAKE MY SUSPENSION.
512
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:02,303
AND I GOT TO TAKE
THIS BAD ATTITUDE,
513
00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:04,264
AND I GOT TO GO HOME,
AND I GOT TO ADJUST IT.
514
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:05,515
- OH, COME ON.
- AND I HOPE
515
00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:07,851
- THE SUSPENSION DOES THAT.
- PRIDEFUL IDIOTS.
516
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:09,936
WATCH HOW IT'S DONE.
517
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:12,897
GABRIEL,
I APOLOGIZE.
518
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:15,191
GREAT.
519
00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:18,194
I KNEEL BEFORE YOU.
520
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:20,196
GUYS, I WOULD EVEN TAKE
A CONTRITE LOOK
521
00:21:20,238 --> 00:21:21,406
AS AN APOLOGY.
522
00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:23,366
HUMBLY TAKING YOUR HAND
UPON WHICH I KISS
523
00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:24,826
TO SHOW MY CONTRITION.
524
00:21:26,202 --> 00:21:27,579
- OKAY.
- FORGIVE ME.
525
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,289
THAT WAS AMAZING,
AND I CAN'T DO THAT.
526
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,582
ME EITHER. SORRY.
527
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:32,417
OH, NOT FOR THE THING,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
528
00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:34,127
- FOR NOT SAYING SORRY.
- BUT YOU SAID IT, SO
529
00:21:34,169 --> 00:21:35,754
THAT IS A GOOD START.
530
00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,213
GUYS--
531
00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:39,049
I CAN LOOK SHEEPISH, TOO,
IF YOU NEED.
532
00:21:39,090 --> 00:21:40,633
- NO, YOU'RE FINE.
- AM I ABSOLVED?
533
00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:41,760
- OH--
- CAN I GET BACK TO WORK?
534
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:42,802
- YEAH, I'M NOT A--
- ALL RIGHT.
535
00:21:42,844 --> 00:21:44,471
OKAY.
536
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:48,808
GUYS, TO--
TO ERR IS HUMAN.
537
00:21:58,818 --> 00:22:01,112
TRUST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
THING TO ME.
538
00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,614
IS YOUR NAME ANDY BERNARD?
539
00:22:02,655 --> 00:22:04,616
WHAT'S YOUR REAL NAME?
LIONEL FRANKENSTEIN?
540
00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:07,077
WILL YOU STOP WALKING
FOR ONE SECOND?
541
00:22:07,118 --> 00:22:09,162
THAT'S IT.
THERE'S NO OTHER SECRETS.
542
00:22:09,204 --> 00:22:12,665
OKAY?
I MEAN, YEAH,
543
00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:14,626
MY CHEST
IS NOT NATURALLY HAIRLESS,
544
00:22:14,668 --> 00:22:16,294
AND MY PARENTS PAY
MY CREDIT CARD BILL.
545
00:22:16,336 --> 00:22:18,672
HOW LONG
WERE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?
546
00:22:18,713 --> 00:22:20,799
A YEAR.
547
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,300
A YEAR?
548
00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:25,845
YOU WERE TOGETHER
FOR A YEAR.
549
00:22:25,887 --> 00:22:27,472
YEAH. BUT THAT'S IT.
550
00:22:27,514 --> 00:22:30,225
NOW YOU KNOW
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.
551
00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:31,643
I PROMISE.
552
00:22:31,685 --> 00:22:34,562
AND IF I THINK
OF ANYTHING ELSE...
553
00:22:34,604 --> 00:22:37,273
I THINK I HAVE TO BE
ON MY OWN FOR A LITTLE BIT.
554
00:22:37,315 --> 00:22:39,567
LIKE THAT GIRL PRECIOUS
IN PRECIOUS:
555
00:22:39,609 --> 00:22:42,112
BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH
BY SAPPHIRE.
556
00:22:42,153 --> 00:22:43,488
OKAY?
557
00:22:43,530 --> 00:22:45,615
I DIDN'T SEE
THAT MOVIE.
558
00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:50,078
[chatter]
559
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:51,329
THAT WAS UGLY.
560
00:22:51,371 --> 00:22:52,497
I'M SORRY
THAT YOU HAD TO SEE THAT.
561
00:22:52,539 --> 00:22:53,665
DO THEY STILL GET PAID?
562
00:22:53,707 --> 00:22:55,834
IT'S TACKY
TO DISCUSS FINANCES.
563
00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,919
IT'S BEST TO PRETEND
THAT THIS NEVER HAPPENED.
564
00:22:57,961 --> 00:23:00,088
SOUNDS LIKE THEY JUST GOT
TO GO HOME WITH PAY.
565
00:23:00,130 --> 00:23:01,339
- YEAH.
- PATHETIC.
566
00:23:01,381 --> 00:23:02,674
- VERY NICE.
- CAN I BUY EVERYONE COFFEES?
567
00:23:02,716 --> 00:23:06,511
[muttering]
568
00:23:06,553 --> 00:23:10,056
[imitating]
"OR COOKIES?"
569
00:23:10,098 --> 00:23:12,475
- OH.
- WHAT WAS THAT?
570
00:23:12,517 --> 00:23:14,227
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WAS THAT AN IMPRESSION?
571
00:23:14,269 --> 00:23:15,520
ALL RIGHT.
572
00:23:15,562 --> 00:23:17,022
[imitating Gabe]
UH, GUYS,
573
00:23:17,063 --> 00:23:19,357
I'M NOW GOING
TO APOLOGIZE
574
00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:20,608
FOR THE MESS
THAT WE'RE IN.
575
00:23:20,650 --> 00:23:22,861
BECAUSE CORPORATE
TOLD ME TO.
576
00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:24,279
[laughter]
577
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,656
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LAUGH
LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.
578
00:23:26,698 --> 00:23:28,283
- [laughter]
- OKAY.
579
00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:29,325
YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO--
YOU GOT TO BE ABLE
580
00:23:29,367 --> 00:23:30,326
TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF.
581
00:23:30,368 --> 00:23:32,203
I'M ONE OF THE GANG.
582
00:23:32,245 --> 00:23:33,413
"I HAVE TO GO
BACK TO THE ZOO
583
00:23:33,455 --> 00:23:35,290
TO THE STICK INSECT EXHIBIT."
584
00:23:35,331 --> 00:23:38,668
[laughter]
585
00:23:38,710 --> 00:23:41,212
"CIAO."
586
00:23:41,254 --> 00:23:43,465
RIGHT?
"CIAO.
587
00:23:43,506 --> 00:23:46,760
I SAY CIAO 'CAUSE I'M FANCY
FROM TALLAHASSEE."
588
00:23:46,801 --> 00:23:48,386
[laughter]
589
00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:49,846
WHY DON'T WE SAY "CIAO"
TO THE IMPRESSIONS?
590
00:23:49,888 --> 00:23:52,724
all: CIAO.
591
00:23:52,766 --> 00:23:55,185
- CIAO. FILMING.
- CIAO, STICK INSECT.
592
00:23:55,226 --> 00:23:56,603
all: CIAO.
593
00:23:57,645 --> 00:23:59,731
FIRST DAY BACK AT WORK.
594
00:23:59,773 --> 00:24:01,107
IT WAS OKAY.
595
00:24:01,149 --> 00:24:02,609
IT WAS BETTER
THAN I EXPECTED.
596
00:24:05,737 --> 00:24:08,948
ME WANT SUSPENSION
EVERY DAY.
597
00:24:10,158 --> 00:24:15,246
GOD.
[groans]
598
00:24:15,288 --> 00:24:17,582
- ERIN?
- OH.
599
00:24:17,624 --> 00:24:19,459
SORRY.
I THOUGHT EVERYONE WAS GONE.
600
00:24:19,501 --> 00:24:20,919
NO, NO, I WAS JUST WATCHING
COOKIE MONSTER.
601
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,254
FINALLY DOWNLOADED.
MIND IF I SIT DOWN?
602
00:24:23,296 --> 00:24:27,300
- YEAH.
- WHAT'S, UM...
603
00:24:27,342 --> 00:24:29,177
I CAN'T TRUST ANDY ANYMORE.
604
00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:31,221
OH. YEP.
605
00:24:31,262 --> 00:24:32,597
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
606
00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:34,933
I FEEL--
I'M SORRY I CAUSED THAT THING.
607
00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:36,142
IT'S ANDY'S FAULT.
608
00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:38,144
WELL, YEAH, YES.
609
00:24:38,186 --> 00:24:40,313
BUT I STILL FEEL SORRY.
610
00:24:42,857 --> 00:24:44,567
[sighing]
OH.
611
00:24:44,609 --> 00:24:46,444
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT ANGELA.
612
00:24:46,486 --> 00:24:49,489
SHE'S--
SHE DOESN'T HOLD A CANDLE
613
00:24:49,531 --> 00:24:50,907
TO YOU, ERIN.
614
00:24:50,949 --> 00:24:54,577
SHE'S OLD ENOUGH
TO BE YOUR MOM, FOR ONE THING,
615
00:24:54,619 --> 00:24:58,456
AND SHE'S, LIKE,
THREE FEET TALL.
616
00:24:58,498 --> 00:25:00,792
[laughter]
617
00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:05,213
AND SHE WEARS
PIONEER WOMEN CLOTHING.
618
00:25:05,255 --> 00:25:07,132
AND I DON'T THINK
SHE'S EVER POOPED
619
00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:08,591
IN HER LIFE.
620
00:25:08,633 --> 00:25:11,511
AND ANDY,
YOU KNOW, COME ON.
621
00:25:11,553 --> 00:25:14,639
ANDY, HIS BUTT LOOKS BIG
IN THOSE KHAKIS.
622
00:25:14,681 --> 00:25:16,266
OH, I LIKE HIS BUTT.
623
00:25:16,307 --> 00:25:18,601
YOU SAID BUTT.
624
00:25:18,643 --> 00:25:20,437
- YOU TRICKED ME.
- AHH!
625
00:25:20,478 --> 00:25:23,565
AHH.
[laughter]
626
00:25:23,606 --> 00:25:26,151
- YOU SAID IT.
- YOU KNOW WHO'D YOU LOVE?
627
00:25:26,192 --> 00:25:27,819
OH, THIS GUY
628
00:25:27,861 --> 00:25:30,405
IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,
TOM DIZEMORE.
629
00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:34,576
THIS IS HIM.
"HEY! HEY, SCOTT!"
630
00:25:34,617 --> 00:25:36,327
SOMETIMES,
TELLING SOMEONE SOMETHING
631
00:25:36,369 --> 00:25:38,997
IS HARD.
632
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,793
WELL, AT LEAST SOMEBODY MADE
HER HAPPY ON SECRETARY'S DAY.
633
00:25:47,339 --> 00:25:48,423
HEY, KEVIN,
IT'S OSCAR.
634
00:25:48,465 --> 00:25:49,841
I'M LOOKING AT THE SHEET
YOU SENT ME.
635
00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:51,343
AND I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND
THE COLUMN FOR SHIPPING COSTS.
636
00:25:51,384 --> 00:25:55,972
I MADE THE MOST BRILLIANT
RETALIATION VIDEO.
637
00:25:56,014 --> 00:25:58,516
IT IS SO AWESOME.
638
00:25:58,558 --> 00:26:00,185
I DON'T GET IT.
639
00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:02,437
YEAH, I MEAN, THE COUNT
HAS A VERY DISTINCT VOICE.
640
00:26:02,479 --> 00:26:03,438
- THANK YOU.
- YEAH.
641
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,648
"I VANT TO COUNT TO TEN."
642
00:26:05,690 --> 00:26:07,609
BUT OSCAR IS AN ACCOUNTANT,
643
00:26:07,650 --> 00:26:09,944
AND THE COUNT COUNTS NUMBERS.
644
00:26:09,986 --> 00:26:12,072
YOU'RE AN ACCOUNTANT TOO,
SO IT DOESN'T...
645
00:26:12,113 --> 00:26:13,656
WHY DIDN'T YOU DO
OSCAR THE GROUCH?
646
00:26:13,698 --> 00:26:15,116
- THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY.
- THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY.
647
00:26:15,158 --> 00:26:18,370
BUT THE COUNT IS PURPLE,
AND OSCAR WEARS PURPLE.
648
00:26:18,411 --> 00:26:20,246
OH, OH,
I WAS JUST WATCHING THAT.
649
00:26:20,288 --> 00:26:21,915
DID YOU DO THAT, MAN?
650
00:26:21,956 --> 00:26:25,251
"OSCAR.
I AM THE COUNT."
651
00:26:25,293 --> 00:26:26,795
NAILED HIM.
NAILED HIM.
652
00:26:26,836 --> 00:26:28,129
GOOD WORK,
COOKIE MONSTER.
653
00:26:28,171 --> 00:26:29,130
THANK YOU.
654
00:26:30,173 --> 00:26:31,383
PAMELA.
655
00:26:31,424 --> 00:26:32,801
PAMELA--
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
656
00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:35,387
PAMELA!
PAMELA.
657
00:26:35,428 --> 00:26:37,138
CONFERENCE ROOM.
FIVE MINUTES.
658
00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:38,139
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
659
00:26:38,181 --> 00:26:39,224
TUNA!
660
00:26:39,265 --> 00:26:41,351
RA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DOO!
661
00:26:41,393 --> 00:26:43,353
RIG-A-DEET-DEET-DEET-DOO!
662
00:26:43,395 --> 00:26:45,522
RID-DID-DID-DID-DOO!
663
00:26:45,563 --> 00:26:48,066
[rolls tongue]
RAD-DA-DA-DOO!
664
00:26:52,195 --> 00:26:53,530
OH, HI, CREED.
665
00:26:53,571 --> 00:26:55,990
OH, HAVE I SHOWN YOU
PICTURES OF MY NEW CATS?
666
00:26:56,032 --> 00:26:59,994
I THINK IMPRESSIONS ARE DUMB,
AND I DON'T LIKE THEM.
667
00:27:00,036 --> 00:27:03,248
IT'S NOT MY JOB
TO ADD UP THOSE COLUMNS.
668
00:27:03,289 --> 00:27:05,667
EW, YOUR FEET. MM!
669
00:27:05,709 --> 00:27:07,794
THAT COLOR MAKES YOU
LOOK WHORISH.
670
00:27:07,836 --> 00:27:09,546
COULD YOU BE ANY MORE--
671
00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:10,839
NO, THAT'S CHANDLER.
672
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:15,635
I'M VERY SORRY
TO TELL YOU THIS
673
00:27:15,677 --> 00:27:19,222
BUT I HAVE FLATULENCE.
674
00:27:19,264 --> 00:27:21,224
I HAVE A GAS PROBLEM.
675
00:27:22,726 --> 00:27:25,395
[imitating fart]
676
00:27:25,437 --> 00:27:26,688
SHE FARTS A LOT.
677
00:27:26,730 --> 00:27:29,649
DO I HAVE TO GO
TO THE MEETIN'?
678
00:27:29,691 --> 00:27:31,693
MM-HMM.
679
00:27:34,362 --> 00:27:36,239
MICHAEL, YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
680
00:27:37,699 --> 00:27:39,826
HEY, BOSS,
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?
681
00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:43,538
IS IT THE SEVERED FOOT
I KEEP IN MY DESK? HM?
682
00:27:43,580 --> 00:27:45,582
RIGHT NEXT TO MY MUNG BEANS?
683
00:27:45,623 --> 00:27:47,542
WHEN I WAS IN A PRISON
IN CAMBODIA,
684
00:27:47,584 --> 00:27:48,918
I DID AN IMPRESSION
OF ELVIS PRESLEY
685
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,587
THAT BROUGHT THE HOUSE DOWN.
686
00:27:50,628 --> 00:27:52,881
DO YOU STILL HEAR IT,
CLARICE?
687
00:27:52,922 --> 00:27:55,508
THE SCREAMING
OF THE SPRING LAMBS.
688
00:27:55,550 --> 00:27:57,177
I'M JO BENNETT.
689
00:27:57,218 --> 00:27:59,679
I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE
DOING THAT, ACTUALLY.
690
00:27:59,721 --> 00:28:03,475
THE THING ABOUT IMPRESSIONS
ARE THEY'RE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.
691
00:28:03,516 --> 00:28:05,268
- MICHAEL!
- QUESTION.
692
00:28:05,310 --> 00:28:06,811
MICHAEL, COME IN HERE
RIGHT NOW!
693
00:28:06,853 --> 00:28:08,980
DAMN IT, JIM.
48946
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