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1
00:00:45,528 --> 00:00:47,095
- Ah.
- What's this?
2
00:00:47,397 --> 00:00:49,864
I salvaged it from
the medistation, sir.
3
00:00:49,866 --> 00:00:51,832
It's a personality tuck machine.
4
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:55,102
Mmm, so it can perform corrective
surgery on your character?
5
00:00:55,104 --> 00:01:01,309
Exactly. It scans the patient's
brain and forms a personality map.
6
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,543
It's then able to
enhance, remove,
7
00:01:02,545 --> 00:01:06,681
even sculpt the very traits that
make that person who they are.
8
00:01:06,683 --> 00:01:10,318
Hypothetically... I'm
speaking hypothetically here,
9
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,719
do you think I could do
with a little work?
10
00:01:11,721 --> 00:01:15,856
Take a seat, sir. I'll
cancel this week's schedule.
11
00:01:16,659 --> 00:01:18,025
So, what can you do
for me exactly?
12
00:01:18,027 --> 00:01:24,699
I'll begin by just working out the areas
I think we might be able to improve.
13
00:01:24,701 --> 00:01:27,702
Now here, here, here,
14
00:01:27,704 --> 00:01:30,304
here, here, definitely here.
15
00:01:30,306 --> 00:01:32,940
Yes, all right, Kryten,
get on with it, man.
16
00:01:32,942 --> 00:01:36,477
Well, take your pomposity,
large and unsightly.
17
00:01:36,479 --> 00:01:39,413
Your self-importance, too,
is massively engorged.
18
00:01:39,415 --> 00:01:41,782
What's that huge area
in the middle there?
19
00:01:41,784 --> 00:01:44,719
Well, that is
your cowardice, sir.
20
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:47,755
Perhaps you'd like me
to perform a cowardectomy?
21
00:01:47,757 --> 00:01:51,592
What? Reduce it to sort of
wimp-o-plasty?
22
00:01:51,761 --> 00:01:52,727
Hey, what's happening, buds?
23
00:01:52,729 --> 00:01:56,831
I'm about to perform some
personality surgery on Mr Rimmer.
24
00:01:56,833 --> 00:02:00,868
He's getting a new personality?
Great idea.
25
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:05,373
Not new, moulded,
tightened, lifted, shaped.
26
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,340
This is gonna transform me.
27
00:02:06,342 --> 00:02:11,979
I'm gonna be the lady-melting enormous
bald stud muffin I've always dreamt of.
28
00:02:12,482 --> 00:02:15,483
Now, Kryten, one thing.
This isn't gonna hurt, is it?
29
00:02:15,485 --> 00:02:16,550
There'll just be the slightest,
30
00:02:16,552 --> 00:02:19,820
- infinitesimally tiny little scratch.
- Scratch?
31
00:02:19,822 --> 00:02:22,289
- Well, when I insert the laser.
- Laser?
32
00:02:22,291 --> 00:02:23,357
- Well, it has to burn...
- Burn?
33
00:02:23,359 --> 00:02:26,627
Well, perhaps I should give
you a hollow sedative, sir.
34
00:02:26,629 --> 00:02:27,695
- With a needle?
- Sir, please.
35
00:02:27,697 --> 00:02:31,932
I'll talk you through every aspect
of the procedure step by step.
36
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:35,703
Right now, I'm just in the...
Where, where's he gone?
37
00:02:35,705 --> 00:02:36,670
Out the door and left.
38
00:02:36,672 --> 00:02:42,276
Oh, Einstein was wrong. It is
possible to break the speed of light.
39
00:02:59,695 --> 00:03:00,694
What the...
40
00:03:00,696 --> 00:03:05,699
Guys? Keep the noise down,
I'm trying to sleep here.
41
00:03:07,837 --> 00:03:11,405
Whoa! What's going on?
We're way off course here.
42
00:03:11,407 --> 00:03:13,974
Who's the joker
in charge of navigation?
43
00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:15,376
You are, sir.
44
00:03:15,378 --> 00:03:20,314
Seriously? Oh, man.
I think I might've dosed off.
45
00:03:20,316 --> 00:03:21,582
Lister, we're 5,000 clicks
off course.
46
00:03:21,584 --> 00:03:25,786
All you had to do was engage autopilot.
Your watch, your fault.
47
00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:26,754
You can't blame me for this.
48
00:03:26,756 --> 00:03:28,956
What kind of lunch was that
to give your pilot?
49
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:31,692
Roast beef with all the
trimmings, followed by seconds,
50
00:03:31,694 --> 00:03:34,495
followed by sticky toffee
pudding, followed by seconds,
51
00:03:34,497 --> 00:03:39,633
followed by beer and coffee and
cheese and brandy and port and cigars
52
00:03:39,635 --> 00:03:41,769
and that little chocolate mint.
53
00:03:41,771 --> 00:03:45,706
What chance did I stand after
a Sunday lunch like that?
54
00:03:45,708 --> 00:03:49,343
- How long have I been out?
- It's Monday, sir.
55
00:03:49,345 --> 00:03:49,877
Oh, man. No way.
56
00:03:49,879 --> 00:03:52,079
It's gonna take us forever
to get back to Red Dwarf now.
57
00:03:52,081 --> 00:03:56,684
Maybe we could take a short cut
across that asteroid belt.
58
00:03:56,686 --> 00:03:57,418
GELF country?
59
00:03:57,420 --> 00:03:58,552
If the stories are
to be believed,
60
00:03:58,554 --> 00:04:02,990
the particular tribe of GELF
that inhabit belt Juno 98
61
00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:06,727
are the...
62
00:04:06,729 --> 00:04:10,831
Oh, sorry. I just sat
down on a screwdriver.
63
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:13,601
Why does nobody tidy up
around here except me?
64
00:04:13,603 --> 00:04:14,435
Kryten, you were saying?
65
00:04:14,437 --> 00:04:18,305
I'm sorry, sir, yes, that particular
tribe are the Nacky Ninckers.
66
00:04:18,307 --> 00:04:20,474
Vampire GELFs to you and me.
67
00:04:20,476 --> 00:04:21,041
Vampire GELFs?
68
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:25,513
The story goes they feast
on the blood of virgins.
69
00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,284
Feast on the blood of virgins.
70
00:04:30,286 --> 00:04:31,585
Who believes that?
Taking her in.
71
00:04:31,587 --> 00:04:35,656
Wait a minute, hang on
here, slow the hell down.
72
00:04:35,658 --> 00:04:38,526
- What's the problem?
- I'm just curious.
73
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,461
How do they tell the virgins
from the non-virgins?
74
00:04:40,463 --> 00:04:43,597
Well, according to the ancient
myths, they can smell them.
75
00:04:43,599 --> 00:04:47,601
Smell 'em? What the hell
does a virgin smell of?
76
00:04:47,603 --> 00:04:49,737
Desperation, normally.
77
00:04:51,908 --> 00:04:53,073
Actually, sir,
the actual science is
78
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:57,745
that the GELFs can smell the
pheromone produced by fear.
79
00:04:57,747 --> 00:04:58,712
Only the virgins are scared,
80
00:04:58,714 --> 00:05:01,448
so they're the only ones
producing the fear pheromone.
81
00:05:01,450 --> 00:05:02,983
- Thus no issue for us.
- Taking her in.
82
00:05:02,985 --> 00:05:08,389
Hang on, hold up. Can we discuss
this for one stupid, lousy second?
83
00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:11,458
- Hang on a minute, are you...
- No.
84
00:05:11,460 --> 00:05:12,660
- I suppose you must...
- No!
85
00:05:12,662 --> 00:05:15,729
- I never really...
- Don't even say it.
86
00:05:16,365 --> 00:05:17,498
Okay. Moving on.
87
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,700
Didn't mean to open up
a can of worms here.
88
00:05:19,702 --> 00:05:22,269
I've had my share,
let me tell ya.
89
00:05:22,271 --> 00:05:23,270
More than my share.
90
00:05:23,272 --> 00:05:25,906
Plus, I've had full blown
love affairs, too.
91
00:05:25,908 --> 00:05:27,841
Well, yes,
mirror in the bathroom,
92
00:05:27,843 --> 00:05:30,811
mirror in the hall...
I'd forgotten about those.
93
00:05:30,813 --> 00:05:34,481
Don't you guys know that
cats always have two homes?
94
00:05:34,483 --> 00:05:36,750
I got a lady cat
back on Red Dwarf.
95
00:05:36,752 --> 00:05:38,986
- Hell, I got two.
- On Zed deck.
96
00:05:38,988 --> 00:05:40,254
- On Zed deck.
- On Zed deck.
97
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:42,590
Exactly. That's where
they are, on Zed deck.
98
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:46,560
But hiding from you guys, because
they're only interested in me.
99
00:05:46,562 --> 00:05:47,928
We will go the long way 'round.
100
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:54,268
And be quick about it, because I gotta
get back to my lady cats on Zed deck.
101
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:58,505
I'm suddenly starting
to miss 'em real bad.
102
00:06:03,579 --> 00:06:05,613
I'm picking up a ship.
103
00:06:06,549 --> 00:06:08,682
The energy signature's
barely registering.
104
00:06:08,684 --> 00:06:12,419
The signal's weaker than
the San Marino reserve team.
105
00:06:12,421 --> 00:06:13,821
Posting, logging into
their mainframe.
106
00:06:13,823 --> 00:06:18,659
Don't bother, in this region of space,
it could well be a GELF battle cruiser.
107
00:06:18,661 --> 00:06:19,994
Maintain current course.
108
00:06:19,996 --> 00:06:20,794
That gets my vote.
109
00:06:20,796 --> 00:06:24,632
According to the hack, it's
a transport ship, crew two,
110
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,867
one Mercenoid, one prisoner.
111
00:06:26,869 --> 00:06:27,601
A merce-what?
112
00:06:27,603 --> 00:06:31,271
A Mercenoid is a droid, sir, who
has agreed to sacrifice his life
113
00:06:31,273 --> 00:06:34,508
in exchange for software
updates in silicone heaven.
114
00:06:34,510 --> 00:06:38,512
These Mercenoids are nuttier
than a vegetarian breakfast.
115
00:06:38,514 --> 00:06:40,848
That probably explains why
the Mercenoid and his prisoner
116
00:06:40,850 --> 00:06:45,019
are on a death dive into the heart
of a super-massive black hole.
117
00:06:45,021 --> 00:06:45,719
So what now?
118
00:06:45,721 --> 00:06:49,823
We're gonna board that crate before
it passes the event horizon.
119
00:06:49,825 --> 00:06:51,025
Risk our necks for one prisoner?
120
00:06:51,027 --> 00:06:56,296
Rimmer, that prisoner might be
human, we can't just abandon them.
121
00:06:56,298 --> 00:06:56,964
Never say can't, Lister.
122
00:06:56,966 --> 00:06:59,433
You put your mind to it, there's
no limit to who you can abandon.
123
00:06:59,435 --> 00:07:04,571
All right, Cat, take her in.
Rimmer, lend me your Dictaphone.
124
00:07:04,573 --> 00:07:05,773
What, why?
125
00:07:05,775 --> 00:07:08,575
Because I've got an idea.
126
00:07:09,478 --> 00:07:13,781
Right. Come on, let's do this.
127
00:07:13,783 --> 00:07:16,283
Good luck, keep in touch.
128
00:07:26,462 --> 00:07:27,995
More ship Intel
coming through via the hack.
129
00:07:27,997 --> 00:07:34,435
They were transporting scientific
equipment to a bio-station on Orta 15.
130
00:07:34,437 --> 00:07:35,436
Something doesn't smell right.
131
00:07:35,438 --> 00:07:40,541
The ship's log's been deleted and the
black box has also been wiped clean.
132
00:07:40,976 --> 00:07:42,843
I'm not getting any pictures
from your head cam.
133
00:07:42,845 --> 00:07:46,246
There must be some kind of
signal block in place.
134
00:07:51,420 --> 00:07:52,686
How about now?
135
00:07:52,688 --> 00:07:54,988
Yes, getting pictures now.
What did you do?
136
00:07:54,990 --> 00:08:00,794
Oh, I just recalibrated the
fluctuation drive band signal.
137
00:08:00,796 --> 00:08:03,964
- Impressive.
- Thanks.
138
00:08:05,701 --> 00:08:06,667
You're not gonna like this,
139
00:08:06,669 --> 00:08:08,268
but I'm picking up something
in the movement tracker.
140
00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:13,907
Life signs, organic and part
organic, in corridor Beta 12.
141
00:08:13,909 --> 00:08:17,277
Where exactly in Beta 12?
142
00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:19,379
At the south entrance.
143
00:08:19,381 --> 00:08:20,214
That's where we are.
144
00:08:20,216 --> 00:08:22,916
Then you should be able to see them,
they're there right on top of you.
145
00:08:22,918 --> 00:08:25,419
They may be in the ceiling
or under the floor. Run!
146
00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:29,757
Go back, get out of there!
Move! Now! Forwards!
147
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,892
Not that way, the other way!
148
00:08:31,894 --> 00:08:33,761
No, the other way.
149
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,696
Lister, move!
150
00:08:35,831 --> 00:08:38,565
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
151
00:08:38,934 --> 00:08:40,534
Could these life signs...
152
00:08:40,536 --> 00:08:44,471
Could they,
by any chance, be us?
153
00:08:46,008 --> 00:08:48,275
Ah, yes, of course.
154
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:51,044
Organic and part organic.
Yes, it's you.
155
00:08:51,046 --> 00:08:53,914
They should warn you about
that in the instruction manual.
156
00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:58,318
Someone could come along and
make a right idiot of himself.
157
00:08:58,420 --> 00:08:59,586
Ah, it does mention it.
158
00:08:59,588 --> 00:09:03,323
It's this bit here
in big red capitals.
159
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:04,625
So easy to miss.
160
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:09,429
I'm picking up EM emissions.
This way, sirs.
161
00:09:25,414 --> 00:09:29,483
I know you are here, humies.
162
00:09:29,885 --> 00:09:34,021
If you want to live,
you must leave.
163
00:09:34,023 --> 00:09:35,522
He's right.
I think we should go.
164
00:09:35,524 --> 00:09:39,526
- Sir...
- You haven't seen him. Okay.
165
00:09:39,528 --> 00:09:43,030
I wanna talk about your prisoner.
I wanna do a trade.
166
00:09:43,032 --> 00:09:45,833
- No trade.
- Let's talk.
167
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,234
No talk.
168
00:09:47,236 --> 00:09:51,471
Now, take my advice and go.
169
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:53,440
Leave.
170
00:09:53,442 --> 00:09:55,275
Who's your prisoner
and what have they done?
171
00:09:55,277 --> 00:09:58,846
That is my business, not yours.
172
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:01,515
You can trust
us, you really can.
173
00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:05,485
You will achieve
all your dreams.
174
00:10:06,655 --> 00:10:09,289
Size doesn't matter.
175
00:10:11,894 --> 00:10:14,428
You are very handsome.
176
00:10:15,497 --> 00:10:17,698
And women think
you're extremely attractive.
177
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,766
Actually,
that's not really true,
178
00:10:19,768 --> 00:10:24,805
so drop your weapon
and turn round slowly.
179
00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:47,327
Head count down, what's going on?
Are you okay?
180
00:10:47,329 --> 00:10:50,364
We're fine, sir.
Mercenoid down.
181
00:10:50,366 --> 00:10:55,936
I think I've located the
prisoner, up two floors, bay 12.
182
00:11:06,882 --> 00:11:10,617
Buds, am I pleased to see you.
183
00:11:15,658 --> 00:11:18,725
- Wait, are you...
- Are you?
184
00:11:18,727 --> 00:11:22,362
- Ow.
- Ow.
185
00:11:26,535 --> 00:11:28,969
- You got a name?
- Sure I do, stupid.
186
00:11:28,971 --> 00:11:33,006
- Who doesn't have a name?
- Ow.
187
00:11:33,709 --> 00:11:36,743
Incidentally that's mine,
that's mine,
188
00:11:36,745 --> 00:11:40,480
that's mine, that's mine,
all this is mine.
189
00:11:40,482 --> 00:11:44,451
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What about that bit?
190
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:46,820
That's mine, too.
191
00:11:46,889 --> 00:11:49,323
Ow!
192
00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:54,962
This is mine,
that's mine, this is mine.
193
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:58,532
Basically, all of this is mine.
Even that bit.
194
00:11:58,534 --> 00:11:59,700
- What about that bit?
- Mine.
195
00:11:59,702 --> 00:12:03,737
- And that?
- Mine. And that bit, all mine.
196
00:12:03,739 --> 00:12:04,871
Look, we'll catch
you guys later.
197
00:12:04,873 --> 00:12:09,276
Hey, why don't we meet up later
on the pretext of having dinner,
198
00:12:09,278 --> 00:12:11,778
but instead
play the string game?
199
00:12:11,780 --> 00:12:13,613
I love the string game.
200
00:12:13,615 --> 00:12:14,381
- Ow!
- Ow!
201
00:12:14,383 --> 00:12:18,418
Ow. Hey? You bring you,
I'll bring the string.
202
00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:19,553
See you at 8:00.
203
00:12:19,555 --> 00:12:24,658
If you'd like to follow me, ma'am,
I'll show you to your quarters.
204
00:12:25,394 --> 00:12:27,060
Ow!
205
00:12:27,062 --> 00:12:29,296
Ow!
206
00:12:36,438 --> 00:12:39,306
Whoa, Kryten.
What's the big emergency?
207
00:12:39,308 --> 00:12:40,841
Extremely disturbing news, sir.
208
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,976
According to the
Mercenoid's black box,
209
00:12:42,978 --> 00:12:48,849
that cat we brought on Red
Dwarf is not a felis sapien.
210
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:51,051
It's not a cat.
What is it, then?
211
00:12:51,053 --> 00:12:52,753
It's a Polymorph, sir.
212
00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:55,989
A Polymorph that's shape
shifted into a felis sapien?
213
00:12:55,991 --> 00:12:58,091
- Precisely.
- That's why the Mercenoid
214
00:12:58,093 --> 00:12:59,292
was flying into that black hole.
215
00:12:59,294 --> 00:13:01,528
It was the only way he could
ensure the Polymorph's death.
216
00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:06,033
And we killed the Mercenoid, saved the
Polymorph and brought it on board ship.
217
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:11,671
Our nomination for JMC crew of the
year is starting to look unlikely.
218
00:13:11,673 --> 00:13:16,910
Those damn space monkeys from the
Omega 4 are gonna get it again.
219
00:13:16,912 --> 00:13:19,646
And another thing,
according to the black box,
220
00:13:19,648 --> 00:13:22,616
the Polymorph is carrying eggs.
221
00:13:22,618 --> 00:13:23,683
Eggs that hatch?
222
00:13:23,685 --> 00:13:26,319
No, Kinder eggs.
223
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:28,555
Of course eggs that hatch.
224
00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:29,523
Okay, when will they hatch?
225
00:13:29,525 --> 00:13:33,660
Soon after a mum has found a
host body to deposit them in.
226
00:13:33,662 --> 00:13:36,830
I don't know if I wanna
know this but, um, explain.
227
00:13:36,832 --> 00:13:41,034
Well, I found a genetic mutant
documentary on RedNet.
228
00:13:41,036 --> 00:13:43,603
I was about to watch it.
229
00:13:43,605 --> 00:13:49,376
Evening falls and
the impregnated female Polymorph
230
00:13:49,378 --> 00:13:52,045
seduces a passing organism
231
00:13:52,047 --> 00:13:54,514
by appearing to be his mate
232
00:13:54,516 --> 00:13:57,417
and secretly deposits her eggs
233
00:13:57,419 --> 00:13:59,953
in the unlucky host's body.
234
00:13:59,955 --> 00:14:02,289
- Where's the Cat?
- What's the time?
235
00:14:02,291 --> 00:14:03,590
Oh, he's on his date
with the Polymorph.
236
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:09,629
Weeks later and the
morphling burst into the world.
237
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:11,398
♪ Seemed so wrong
238
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,867
♪ But now it seems so right
239
00:14:13,869 --> 00:14:17,938
♪ What a lady, what a night ♪
240
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:27,280
Did you sleep with her?
What happened?
241
00:14:27,282 --> 00:14:28,949
Hey, I ain't kissing
and telling.
242
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:33,420
I've had enough kissing for
one night, let me tell ya.
243
00:14:33,422 --> 00:14:35,388
You don't understand,
we need to know.
244
00:14:35,390 --> 00:14:39,392
All I'm saying is that she had
some moves you'd never even seen.
245
00:14:39,394 --> 00:14:41,394
- Like what?
- Like when you're rolling around
246
00:14:41,396 --> 00:14:44,764
making out,
then the next thing you know,
247
00:14:44,766 --> 00:14:48,935
her big pipe thing
shoots out of her back,
248
00:14:48,937 --> 00:14:51,771
hovers above you
like a crazy snake,
249
00:14:51,773 --> 00:14:55,809
then whooshes straight
down your throat. Whoo!
250
00:14:55,811 --> 00:14:59,646
Man, I was like...
251
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:02,616
Cat, women don't have
a big pipe thing.
252
00:15:02,618 --> 00:15:03,416
Not for you maybe.
253
00:15:03,418 --> 00:15:06,920
But if you drive 'em crazy by
blowing on their antennas...
254
00:15:06,922 --> 00:15:08,522
What antennas?
255
00:15:08,524 --> 00:15:10,590
Boom, out it comes.
256
00:15:10,592 --> 00:15:11,424
Then what happened?
257
00:15:11,426 --> 00:15:15,562
The usual, she just released her
gushy tadpole stuff down her pipe.
258
00:15:15,564 --> 00:15:19,232
Then afterwards, she said
she'd never been with anyone
259
00:15:19,234 --> 00:15:21,334
who could hold so many eggs.
260
00:15:21,336 --> 00:15:23,503
I don't know
what the hell she meant,
261
00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:26,640
but I think it meant I did good.
262
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:29,342
See you in the morning, buds.
263
00:15:29,344 --> 00:15:31,578
♪ Oh, what a night
264
00:15:31,580 --> 00:15:34,848
♪ Why'd it take so long
to see the... ♪
265
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,416
Just listen to me.
266
00:15:36,418 --> 00:15:40,253
How do I break this to you?
You're a moron!
267
00:15:40,255 --> 00:15:43,657
Oh, Rimmer. Go easy on him.
Let me handle this.
268
00:15:43,659 --> 00:15:45,592
Cat man, you're a moron!
269
00:15:45,594 --> 00:15:49,796
Sir, that wasn't a woman.
It wasn't a felis sapien, sir.
270
00:15:49,798 --> 00:15:52,365
- It was a shape shifter.
- A what?
271
00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:54,401
It wasn't a cat,
it wasn't a woman,
272
00:15:54,403 --> 00:16:00,941
you just had sex with a genetically
engineered insectoid arachnid.
273
00:16:02,444 --> 00:16:04,511
It still counts.
274
00:16:06,281 --> 00:16:07,981
C'mon.
275
00:16:08,984 --> 00:16:11,017
It counts.
276
00:16:11,253 --> 00:16:13,620
Why doesn't it count?
277
00:16:14,856 --> 00:16:16,990
I'm counting it.
278
00:16:25,867 --> 00:16:26,566
Let me tell you,
279
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:29,803
she looked a hell of a lot
better last night.
280
00:16:34,042 --> 00:16:36,610
Its life cycle complete,
it's died,
281
00:16:36,612 --> 00:16:39,045
as the female Polymorph
often does
282
00:16:39,047 --> 00:16:40,580
after the exhaustive process
283
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:44,784
of depositing her morphlings
into a host body.
284
00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:45,785
Depositing her what into what?
285
00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:50,056
Sir, we need to get you to the science
room and give you a full medical.
286
00:16:50,058 --> 00:16:51,758
Morphling?
What's a morphling?
287
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:52,826
- We'll tell you later.
- Eh?
288
00:16:52,828 --> 00:16:56,296
When you're securely strapped
to a medi-bed.
289
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,565
Just to explain
the ultrasound, sir,
290
00:16:58,567 --> 00:17:01,067
the probe sends a pulse
through your skin
291
00:17:01,069 --> 00:17:04,337
and into your body,
and the echo bounces back,
292
00:17:04,339 --> 00:17:07,707
which allows us to make sure
that everything is...
293
00:17:07,709 --> 00:17:09,709
Oh, my God.
294
00:17:10,245 --> 00:17:11,978
Hey, what the hell's happening?
295
00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:14,414
We're just checking, sir.
296
00:17:15,017 --> 00:17:17,450
How many are there?
297
00:17:17,452 --> 00:17:19,219
One, two, three, four.
298
00:17:19,221 --> 00:17:21,288
What about them two?
Five, six.
299
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,290
And those down there
are seven, eight.
300
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,859
- We've gotta tell him.
- So tell him.
301
00:17:25,861 --> 00:17:29,329
- Er, better coming from Kryten.
- Why me?
302
00:17:29,331 --> 00:17:30,630
Because you've got
a better bedside manner
303
00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:35,235
when it comes to telling patients
they're raddled with Polymorphs.
304
00:17:35,237 --> 00:17:38,905
Hey, hey, what are you saying?
Are you talking about me?
305
00:17:38,907 --> 00:17:41,641
Sir, I have some bad news.
306
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:44,978
You are pregnant
with eight Polymorph eggs.
307
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:49,349
When they hatch, they will
literally burst out of you
308
00:17:49,351 --> 00:17:52,252
using the nearest orifice
available.
309
00:17:52,254 --> 00:17:56,389
You mean rather than forming
an orderly queue?
310
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:58,258
What the hell we gonna do?
311
00:17:58,260 --> 00:18:00,660
First, I think it's essential
that you eat something, sir.
312
00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:03,229
You've got to have all your
strength to fight against them.
313
00:18:03,231 --> 00:18:07,334
They're currently depriving your
body of many essential vitamins.
314
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,602
I can't eat at a time like this.
315
00:18:09,604 --> 00:18:10,937
Sir, you must try.
316
00:18:10,939 --> 00:18:13,006
I just want these things
out of me.
317
00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:15,675
Have you thought about
a caesarean?
318
00:18:15,911 --> 00:18:18,011
- Okay.
- Are you sure?
319
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:20,747
Yeah, but no croutons.
320
00:18:21,783 --> 00:18:24,551
It's not a salad, you gimboid.
321
00:18:24,553 --> 00:18:27,320
It's an operation where
they laser open your abdomen.
322
00:18:27,322 --> 00:18:29,956
I think it's your only chance
of survival, sir.
323
00:18:29,958 --> 00:18:32,759
Hey, there's no way...
324
00:18:32,761 --> 00:18:36,796
Thank God I didn't have
that cowardectomy.
325
00:18:36,965 --> 00:18:39,032
We need to sedate him somehow.
326
00:18:39,034 --> 00:18:41,401
Wise words, sir.
327
00:18:44,272 --> 00:18:46,239
Well, at least that's
bought us some time.
328
00:18:46,241 --> 00:18:49,609
We just need to get cleaned up
and do this.
329
00:18:49,611 --> 00:18:50,377
Scalpel.
330
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,545
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
331
00:18:55,617 --> 00:19:00,487
Has someone been playing around
with the settings on this thing?
332
00:19:01,356 --> 00:19:02,689
Oh.
333
00:19:03,525 --> 00:19:04,958
Right. I'm going in.
334
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,594
Hang on, look at the scanner.
335
00:19:09,631 --> 00:19:11,765
The morphlings are going crazy.
336
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:12,732
What are they turning into?
337
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:15,635
Tumours. They know we're
trying to extract them early
338
00:19:15,637 --> 00:19:18,438
and they're fighting
fire with fire.
339
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,341
We kill them, they kill him.
340
00:19:21,343 --> 00:19:21,908
What do we do?
341
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:23,910
We have to let them be born
in the normal way.
342
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:28,348
Do you mean normal as in shooting out
of every orifice simultaneously?
343
00:19:28,350 --> 00:19:32,252
It'll be a bit like me
after a dodgy egg bhuna.
344
00:19:56,812 --> 00:19:59,979
They're assuming the
shapes of household objects
345
00:19:59,981 --> 00:20:02,382
and trying to blend in.
346
00:20:12,561 --> 00:20:15,495
Oh, we've got a wriggler.
347
00:20:29,411 --> 00:20:31,411
Oh, it's gonna be so hard
348
00:20:31,413 --> 00:20:34,681
flushing this lot into deep space.
They're so cute.
349
00:20:34,683 --> 00:20:36,382
Sir, it's their
defence mechanism.
350
00:20:36,384 --> 00:20:39,352
They're trying to avoid
being flushed into space.
351
00:20:39,354 --> 00:20:42,455
Look, there's a chinchilla
with a pink hat
352
00:20:42,457 --> 00:20:44,691
and a hamster on a skateboard.
353
00:20:44,693 --> 00:20:47,894
Those Dalmatian
puppies, look at them.
354
00:20:47,896 --> 00:20:50,463
And like a hedgehog
in a top hat,
355
00:20:50,465 --> 00:20:53,633
sitting inside a
mini shopping trolley.
356
00:20:53,702 --> 00:20:54,100
Aw.
357
00:20:54,102 --> 00:20:56,436
Sirs, they are doing this on
purpose to make us feel guilty.
358
00:20:56,438 --> 00:21:00,306
You must remember what they're going
to turn into when they reach maturity.
359
00:21:00,308 --> 00:21:03,276
I mean, most things look adorable
when they're first born,
360
00:21:03,278 --> 00:21:07,580
even velociraptors,
even The Rolling Stones.
361
00:21:07,582 --> 00:21:12,785
- So cute.
- Sir, they're evil genetic mutants.
362
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:16,389
I should flush 'em.
363
00:21:16,391 --> 00:21:21,361
I got us into this mess, I should
be the one to get us out of it.
364
00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:22,028
Are you sure?
365
00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:24,764
I just wanna have a minute
to say goodbye.
366
00:21:24,766 --> 00:21:26,933
We'll be just round
the corner, sir.
367
00:21:26,935 --> 00:21:29,936
Oh, look at that one.
That one is cute.
368
00:21:29,938 --> 00:21:31,471
Sir...
369
00:21:41,416 --> 00:21:43,383
How long's he gonna be?
370
00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:45,518
He's gone! Oh, why didn't
I anticipate this?
371
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:50,723
He's been affected by the oxytocin
hormone released by the morphlings.
372
00:21:50,725 --> 00:21:51,724
- The what?
- It's a hormone
373
00:21:51,726 --> 00:21:54,561
that the morphlings excrete to
ensure their hosts look after them
374
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:59,365
until they're strong enough to
stand on their own six suckers.
375
00:21:59,367 --> 00:22:02,669
- And then devour his emotions.
- Precisely.
376
00:22:02,671 --> 00:22:04,837
We've gotta find him.
377
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:09,709
We have to narrow down
the search somehow.
378
00:22:09,711 --> 00:22:10,510
I've got an idea.
379
00:22:10,512 --> 00:22:13,446
Turn off all the heat in the ship
apart from in the diesel decks,
380
00:22:13,448 --> 00:22:16,616
- so it'll drive him down there.
- And then what?
381
00:22:16,618 --> 00:22:17,584
Track them down undetected.
382
00:22:17,586 --> 00:22:21,621
They are Polymorphs, they feed off
emotions, they will sense us.
383
00:22:21,623 --> 00:22:26,693
Not if one of us has got no emotions
as they've had them all removed.
384
00:22:26,695 --> 00:22:27,260
Hey?
385
00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:31,898
Listy, if you have a personality tuck
to remove your emotions, we're sorted.
386
00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:33,433
That stupid tuck machine?
Why me?
387
00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:37,003
Kryten's the only one who knows how
to operate it, so it can't be him.
388
00:22:37,005 --> 00:22:39,272
It can't be me obviously,
that leaves you.
389
00:22:39,274 --> 00:22:40,640
- Why can't it be you?
- Don't interrupt.
390
00:22:40,642 --> 00:22:45,979
Then after the tuck, you'll be able to
walk amongst the morphlings undetected.
391
00:22:45,981 --> 00:22:46,946
They feed on human emotions.
392
00:22:46,948 --> 00:22:49,616
And if you've got no emotions,
they won't know you're there.
393
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:52,619
And what will happen
to my emotions?
394
00:22:52,621 --> 00:22:53,920
We'll just download your brain.
395
00:22:53,922 --> 00:22:57,657
Kryten, have a five-megabyte
memory stick on standby.
396
00:22:57,659 --> 00:22:58,725
Will do, sir.
397
00:22:58,727 --> 00:23:01,794
Oh, I'm not sure about this.
398
00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:07,600
Ah, you're done. Excellent.
399
00:23:07,602 --> 00:23:10,403
I haven't started yet, sir.
400
00:23:10,772 --> 00:23:12,405
Mr Lister?
401
00:23:12,407 --> 00:23:14,273
Sorry, I was miles away.
402
00:23:14,275 --> 00:23:15,441
Are you ready, sir?
403
00:23:15,443 --> 00:23:17,477
Yeah, c'mon, let's do it.
404
00:23:38,733 --> 00:23:41,834
- Let's send him in, then get this done.
- Ah...
405
00:23:41,836 --> 00:23:43,903
- What?
- Well, according to the tracker,
406
00:23:43,905 --> 00:23:46,506
we are now completely
surrounded by life forms.
407
00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:51,778
Morphlings appear to have reached full
maturation quicker than expected.
408
00:23:51,780 --> 00:23:52,612
But what about the cat?
409
00:23:52,614 --> 00:23:54,547
Does that mean they've already
scoffed all his emotions?
410
00:23:54,549 --> 00:23:58,051
Well, according to the tracker,
there are nine life forms.
411
00:23:58,053 --> 00:23:59,719
He's still alive, but barely.
412
00:23:59,721 --> 00:24:01,788
Living in an
emotionless semi-state,
413
00:24:01,790 --> 00:24:03,856
his mind almost totally blank.
414
00:24:03,858 --> 00:24:05,925
No change there, then.
415
00:24:06,428 --> 00:24:08,861
But with each Polymorph
we eliminate, sir,
416
00:24:08,863 --> 00:24:11,531
part of the Cat's personality
will return.
417
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:16,402
Hey, buds, I need a hand here.
I'm busted up really bad.
418
00:24:18,807 --> 00:24:22,742
- How did you know that wasn't the Cat?
- I didn't.
419
00:24:22,744 --> 00:24:26,512
- So why did you shoot him?
- Why not?
420
00:24:26,948 --> 00:24:28,614
Help me.
421
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:30,483
What's wrong with him?
422
00:24:30,485 --> 00:24:31,551
He's got no emotions, sir.
423
00:24:31,553 --> 00:24:34,020
We've turned him into
a dehumanised assassin.
424
00:24:34,022 --> 00:24:39,492
- So what should we do?
- May I suggest, sir, run mode.
425
00:24:54,476 --> 00:24:56,275
Oh, oh, there you are, sir.
426
00:24:56,277 --> 00:24:58,311
I fear Mr Lister
may be a Polymorph.
427
00:24:58,313 --> 00:25:02,849
That's how he was able to detect the
other Polymorphs and kill them.
428
00:25:02,851 --> 00:25:03,850
Why would he be killing them?
429
00:25:03,852 --> 00:25:05,518
Oh, they're known for
killing each other, sir.
430
00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,254
That way, there's more food
for the victor.
431
00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:10,656
We can't trust anyone.
432
00:25:10,658 --> 00:25:12,792
So how can I trust you?
433
00:25:12,794 --> 00:25:15,328
Well, er, how can I trust you?
434
00:25:15,330 --> 00:25:18,664
And how can I trust
either of you?
435
00:25:18,666 --> 00:25:19,832
How many are left?
436
00:25:19,834 --> 00:25:20,633
Mmm, make it six.
437
00:25:20,635 --> 00:25:24,403
Six, yeah, that's right.
And he could be one of them.
438
00:25:24,405 --> 00:25:26,739
- I'm not a Polymorph.
- Neither am I.
439
00:25:26,741 --> 00:25:27,440
Nor me.
440
00:25:27,442 --> 00:25:29,041
What do we do?
Why am I asking you?
441
00:25:29,043 --> 00:25:32,011
Because I'm not a Polymorph,
but you might be.
442
00:25:32,013 --> 00:25:32,745
So might you.
443
00:25:32,747 --> 00:25:34,781
Right, how about we go down
to the science room
444
00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:38,684
and X-ray each other.
That way we can be sure.
445
00:25:38,686 --> 00:25:40,620
Good idea.
446
00:25:47,762 --> 00:25:52,431
After you,
after you, after you...
447
00:25:57,839 --> 00:25:59,772
This is a nightmare.
448
00:26:02,610 --> 00:26:05,511
For crying out loud, isn't
this hard enough already?
449
00:26:05,513 --> 00:26:09,415
Let's get to the science room
and X-ray one another.
450
00:26:09,417 --> 00:26:13,486
Hey, guys! They had me
tied up, but I got away.
451
00:26:13,488 --> 00:26:14,287
What's happening?
452
00:26:14,289 --> 00:26:17,557
There are six Polymorphs here
and we don't know who's who.
453
00:26:17,559 --> 00:26:22,361
Ah, I'm sure you'll work it out.
Catch you later. Ow!
454
00:26:24,999 --> 00:26:27,633
Let's get to the lift.
455
00:26:48,556 --> 00:26:50,957
How did you know who was who?
456
00:26:50,959 --> 00:26:54,026
A mamma always knows her kids.
457
00:27:02,937 --> 00:27:04,737
It's me. Can I come in?
458
00:27:04,739 --> 00:27:06,205
I'm trying to sleep, bud.
459
00:27:06,207 --> 00:27:10,343
Cat, I just wanted to talk to you
about that thing that you're not.
460
00:27:10,345 --> 00:27:16,215
I mean, I know you're not, you know
you're not, we both know you're not.
461
00:27:16,217 --> 00:27:18,251
- Because I'm not.
- Exactly.
462
00:27:18,253 --> 00:27:20,019
But if you were,
which you're not,
463
00:27:20,021 --> 00:27:22,255
it wouldn't mean that
you were a loser,
464
00:27:22,257 --> 00:27:23,556
it wouldn't mean that
you weren't cool.
465
00:27:23,558 --> 00:27:25,758
It would just mean that you
hadn't met the right girl yet.
466
00:27:25,760 --> 00:27:27,460
- But I'm not.
- Exactly.
467
00:27:27,462 --> 00:27:29,795
- So no need to have this talk.
- Exactly.
468
00:27:29,797 --> 00:27:32,899
- So go away.
- I'm gone.
469
00:27:39,474 --> 00:27:41,741
Man, is he annoying.
470
00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,576
So damn patronising.
471
00:27:43,578 --> 00:27:46,045
Don't he know a cat
always has two homes?
472
00:27:46,047 --> 00:27:49,782
I tried to tell him,
but he won't listen.
473
00:27:49,784 --> 00:27:50,650
Hey, it's late.
474
00:27:50,652 --> 00:27:56,022
We keep talking and there ain't
gonna be much time for loving.
475
00:27:56,024 --> 00:27:57,990
This is a dream, isn't it?
476
00:27:58,426 --> 00:28:03,296
But look on the bright side,
you haven't woke up yet.
477
00:28:03,564 --> 00:28:06,565
Let's go, pipe me!
478
00:28:06,701 --> 00:28:11,203
♪ It's cold outside
there's no kind of atmosphere
479
00:28:11,205 --> 00:28:13,839
♪ I'm all alone, more or less
480
00:28:13,841 --> 00:28:18,277
♪ Let me fly
far away from here
481
00:28:18,279 --> 00:28:20,646
♪ Fun, fun, fun
482
00:28:20,648 --> 00:28:23,916
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
483
00:28:23,918 --> 00:28:27,787
♪ I want to lie,
shipwrecked and comatose
484
00:28:27,789 --> 00:28:30,656
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice
485
00:28:30,658 --> 00:28:34,760
♪ Goldfish shoals
nibbling at my toes
486
00:28:34,762 --> 00:28:37,563
♪ Fun, fun, fun
487
00:28:37,565 --> 00:28:42,301
♪ In the sun, sun, sun
488
00:28:42,303 --> 00:28:43,970
♪ Fun, fun, fun
489
00:28:43,972 --> 00:28:48,808
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
38611
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