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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
"THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"!
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OHH!
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THAT'S, UH...
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THAT'S ALL I HAVE PLANNED.
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WHAT SHOULD I, UH -- WHAT SHOULD
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I DO NEXT?
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GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN.
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MOVE TO PHILLY.
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BUY A LOFT.
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START A NOISE BAND.
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GET SIX OR SEVEN ROOMMATES.
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EAT HUMMUS WITH THEM.
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BOOK SOME GIGS.
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PAINT.
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SMOKE CLOVES.
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LISTEN TO ANIMAL COLLECTIVE.
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START SOME TYPE OF SALSA
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COMPANY.
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MM-HMM.
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A WOMAN
WHO NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION.
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PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR
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REESE WITHERSPOON, EVERYBODY!
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YEAH, REESE!
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YOU LOOK GOOD, SON.
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LOOKING GOOD, GIRL.
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REESE!
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YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD, TOO,
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YOUR MOPEY-LOOKING ASS.
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OH. [ LAUGHS ]
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SO, REESE, WHAT ARE YOU WORKING
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ON, BABE?
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I'M WORKING ON, UH, THESE
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MOVIES, TRYING TO GET PEACE IN
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THE 'HOOD.
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YEP.
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I'M TRYING TO JUST MAKE THESE
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BABIES.
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THAT'S WHAT THE [BLEEP] I'M
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TRYING TO DO.
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IF MATTHEW BRODERICK WAS HERE
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IN THE AUDIENCE, WHAT WOULD YOU
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SAY TO HIM RIGHT NOW?
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SUCK MY [BLEEP]
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"R-DUBS."
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I WOULD RATHER -- I WOULD
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RATHER [BLEEP] TWO MIDGETS ON A
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TOADSTOOL.
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THAT'S WHAT THE [BLEEP] I'D
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RATHER MESS WITH.
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"HAVE YOU OR YOUR PARTNER HAD
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SEXUAL ACTIVITY IN THE PAST FIVE
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YEARS WITH ANY PERSON WHOM YOU
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KNOW TO HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO
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H.I.V., THE VIRUS THAT CAUSES
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AIDS?"
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PROBABLY.
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OKAY.
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YOU USED TO LIVE IN BROOKLYN.
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NO, QUEENS.
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I WAS AT ROSEDALE.
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THAT'S OFF THE "F"?
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NO, IT'S OFF THE BUS.
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AND THEY TRYING TO SELL TREES TO
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YOU, AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "NO,
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I DON'T WANT THAT.
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I JUST WANT TO GET HOME."
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RIGHT.
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EVERYBODY'S TRYING TO SAY, "YO,
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YOU SMOKE?
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YOU SMOKE? YOU SMOKE?"
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YEAH, YEAH.
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AND I THINK BECAUSE I'M WHO I
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AM, THEY THINK I WON'T RIDE THE
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NUMBER FOUR BUS.
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RIGHT, RIGHT.
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IT'S A STATUS THING.
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YEAH. AND IT'S BULL[BLEEP]
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I MEAN, YOU GOT
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LOUIS VUITTON, YOU GOT GUCCI ON.
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YEAH, YEAH.
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AND THEN WE HAVE, LIKE, THE
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JAMAICAN BEHIND ME LIKE, "YEAH,
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I'D LOVE TO HAVE A WHITE GIRL."
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MM-HMM.
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I [BLEEP] EVERYTHING.
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IN THE NEXT FOUR OR FIVE
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YEARS, DO YOU THINK AL SHARPTON
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WILL BE PRESIDENT?
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NEVER.
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I DON'T THINK AL SHARPTON
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WILL BE PRESIDENT OF ANYTHING
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EXCEPT FOR THE ASSOCIATION OF
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GREASY MOTHER[BLEEP]
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ZING, AL SHARPTON.
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DON'T [BLEEP] WITH ME.
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I THINK PEOPLE MAKE TOO BIG OF A
DEAL ABOUT COUNTERFEIT MONEY.
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YOU KNOW HOW WE COULD WORK WITH
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COUNTERFEIT MONEY?
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JUST EVERYONE ACT LIKE IT'S
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REAL AND EVERYTHING WILL BE
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FINE.
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GET THAT FAKE DOUGH AND LET'S
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JUST PASS IT AROUND AND BUY
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SANDWICHES AND CARS.
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118
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119
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MISS, 10 MINUTES FOR KILLING
WHALES?
WE'RE GONNA KILL THE WHALES.
120
00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:30,969
IT'S LIKE...
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
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WHALES ENDANGER THE SURVIVAL
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OF SOME SPECIES OF FISH AND
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MOLLUSKS.
125
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AN AVERAGE SPERM WHALE RELEASES
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NEARLY 2,000 GALLONS OF SPERM
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IN THE OCEAN EVERY MONTH.
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WHALES ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OVER
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TWO HUMAN DEATHS A YEAR.
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HEY, COULD I JUST GET A QUICK
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45 MINUTES?
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I'M NOT GONNA SIGN IT.
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OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE HOMOPHOBIC,
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BUT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN
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KILLING THE WHALES?
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I WON'T SIGN PETITIONS AND
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GIVE MY PERSONAL INFORMATION ON
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PETITIONS.
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OKAY, BUT ARE YOU INTERESTED
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IN KILLING THE WHALE?
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THEY HAVE A LOT OF DELICIOUS
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MEAT.
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NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN
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KILLING THE WHALES.
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WELL, THEY'RE POLLUTING THE
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OCEAN WITH THEIR POO-POO AND
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THEIR PEE-PEE.
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I'M TOTALLY AWARE OF ALL OF
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THIS STUFF.
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00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,435
WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN
151
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KILLING THE WHALES?
152
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WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN
153
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DANCING?
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YES.
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00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,778
156
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ARE YOU INTERESTED IN KILLING
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THE WHALES?
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I WOULD LOVE TO KILL THE
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WHALES -- NO, I DON'T WANT TO
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KILL THE WHALES!
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WELL, YOU SAID IT FIRST.
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NOT ME.
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I'M NOT INTO THAT. YOU ARE.
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SO, WE'RE BACK WITH MAXI.
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NEW BOOK COMING OUT.
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167
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HIS NEW BOOK HITS THE SHELVES
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OCTOBER 38th.
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THAT'S NOT A DATE.
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I THINK WE GOT A CLIP OF YOUR
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NEW MUSIC VIDEO.
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LET'S ROLL THE CLIP.
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ALL RIGHT! I LOVE IT.
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JAMMIN'.
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THANK YOU SO MUCH.
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THAT'S MAXI, EVERYBODY.
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MAXI!
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181
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182
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THE NEXT GUEST COMING TO THE
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STAGE -- YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON THE
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SHOW "DOCTORS."
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PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR
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DR. DREW ORDON.
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COME ON OUT.
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189
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SHOWTIME!
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ALL RIGHT!
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THAT'S WHAT I DO.
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HOW ARE YOU?
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I'M GOOD, DREW.
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THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
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THE MAN HIMSELF.
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00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,131
HOW YOU DOING?
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00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,132
IS THIS MY SEAT?
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YEAH. GO FOR IT.
199
00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:09,034
BOY, IT'S WARM.
200
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YOU EVER JUST GET ALL
201
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,503
LIQUORED UP AND DO A LITTLE
202
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,504
SURGERY ON YOURSELF?
203
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:13,772
JUST TAKE THE SCALPEL OUT.
204
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:14,840
"OH, LET ME BRAISE MY
205
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CHEEKBONES."
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YEAH, I PROBABLY HAVE GIVEN
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00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,610
MYSELF A LITTLE BOTOX AFTER A
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FEW POPS, READY TO GO OUT.
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00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:22,447
DOC, YOU EVER GIVE SOMEBODY
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BOTOX, BUT YOU'RE THINKING, "YO,
211
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,618
BOTOX CAN'T FIX THAT UGLY, BUT
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00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,487
I'M GONNA MAKE THIS MONEY"?
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00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:31,823
214
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,025
AND IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU'RE
215
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A DOCTOR FOR THE BORDER PATROL?
216
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[ LAUGHS ] NO.
217
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YOU'RE JUST DOING SURGERY ON
218
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PEOPLE AS THEY'RE COMING IN
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OR...
220
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I'M NOT A DOCTOR FOR THE
221
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BORDER PATROL.
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I GO ACROSS THE BORDER EVERY NOW
223
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:45,737
AND THEN, BUT...
224
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I'VE BEEN HAVING, LIKE, A LOT
225
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OF PAIN.
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00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,508
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD,
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LIKE...
228
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,576
YOU WANT ME TO CHECK YOU OUT?
229
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,144
YEAH.
230
00:06:52,146 --> 00:06:53,812
I THINK HE'S TRYING TO GET,
231
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,213
LIKE, A MARIJUANA CARD OR
232
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SOMETHING.
233
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,016
OR GET OUT OF THE DRAFT OR
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235
00:06:58,552 --> 00:06:59,885
YEAH, I'M TRYING TO DODGE THE
236
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DRAFT.
237
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:01,553
YOU KNOW, I'M QUITE A BIT
238
00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:02,287
OLDER THAN YOU.
239
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:05,290
I GOT DRAFTED FOR VIETNAM, AND I
240
00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:08,627
REMEMBER THAT DAY, GOING TO THE
241
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,629
DRAFT BOARD HERE IN L.A.
242
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YEAH. ALL RIGHT. HERE.
243
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LET ME HOP UP ON THE TABLE.
244
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245
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ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
246
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:21,206
247
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,208
SORRY ABOUT THAT. I'M OKAY.
248
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:24,075
I'M ALL RIGHT.
249
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I'M ALL RIGHT. I'M ALL RIGHT.
250
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251
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I'M ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
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253
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THAT -- THAT'S NOT STURDY AT
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ALL.
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256
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YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE NEVER HAD
257
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IN MY LIFE?
258
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PENGUIN MEAT.
259
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260
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
261
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WELCOME STAND-UP COMEDIAN
262
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TONY LAM, EVERYBODY!
263
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264
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:54,039
ALL RIGHT.
265
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ONE LADY WENT TO THEATER TO SEE
A MOVIE.
THE GUY SITTING IN FRONT OF
266
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HIM -- HER SWING BOTH SIDE.
267
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KEEP DOING SWINGING.
268
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,050
THE LADY TAP ON HIS SHOULDER.
269
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"HEY!
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YOU SWING BOTH SIDES.
271
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,386
HOW CAN I SEE?"
272
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:09,387
THE GUY SAID...
273
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:11,256
[ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]
274
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"I'M A SAILOR.
I GET USED TO THAT WAY."
THEN THE LADY GOT SO PISSED OFF.
275
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SHE RAN UP, MOVED TO SIT IN
276
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,512
FRONT OF THAT GUY.
277
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:34,913
SHE JUST SIT LIKE THAT.
278
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,281
AND THAT GUY TAP ON HER
279
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:36,982
SHOULDER.
280
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:37,482
"HEY!
281
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:39,217
LADY, YOU KEEP DOING THAT, HOW
282
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:40,018
CAN I SEE?"
283
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,253
SHE SAY, "[BLEEP] YOU!
284
00:08:41,255 --> 00:08:42,053
I'M A WHORE!
285
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,288
GET USED TO THAT WAY."
286
00:08:43,290 --> 00:08:44,456
SO WHAT?
287
00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:46,625
288
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,460
GOT THAT?
289
00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:49,761
ALL RIGHT!
290
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:50,795
TONY LAM.
291
00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:51,997
OH, MY GOD.
292
00:08:59,805 --> 00:09:03,408
HEY, MAN.
YOU INTO, LIKE, CRAZY-ASS
293
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,042
HUH?
294
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,377
YOU INTO CRAZY-ASS [BLEEP]
295
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:08,079
LIKE [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
296
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,447
POOP [BLEEP]
297
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,115
298
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:12,183
YOU INTO, LIKE, WEIRD [BLEEP]
299
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:12,817
NO.
300
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:15,186
UH, WE'RE SIGNING A PETITION
301
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,922
ABOUT KILLING WHALES.
302
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,290
UM, WE WERE JUST WONDERING IF
303
00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:19,658
YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN, LIKE,
304
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:20,992
VEGAN, LIKE, BIBLICAL JESUS,
305
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:21,826
LIKE, MOHAMMED...
306
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:22,627
NO, I'M GOOD.
307
00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:24,629
LIKE, BUDDHA, LIKE, HARDCORE
308
00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:28,300
"HTTP/MILES DAVIS FINGER-LICKING
309
00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:30,468
GOOD," LIKE, SAMMY DAVIS JR.,
310
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:31,870
LIKE, FREESTYLE, LIKE, "HOOKED
311
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,238
ON PHONICS" KIND OF BOOK-IT...
312
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,205
HAVE A GOOD DAY.
313
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,440
"A-B-C-D-E-F-G" KIND OF
314
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,308
STUFF.
315
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:47,919
WE'RE GOING REVERSE STREAKING!
316
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:59,097
LADIES...
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT
MUSICAL GUEST, MR. MUTHA[BLEEP]
317
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,298
EXQUIRE, EVERYBODY!
318
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:04,135
COME ON! EVERYBODY!
THIS REAL?
319
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:04,869
YEAH.
320
00:10:04,871 --> 00:10:05,870
[ Rapping ] ♪ WE IN THIS
321
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:06,705
BITCH, YEAH ♪
322
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:07,539
♪ WE DON'T GIVE A... ♪
323
00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:08,840
324
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:09,507
HOLD MY CUP?
325
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:10,342
326
00:10:10,344 --> 00:10:11,676
♪ FEEL LOVE IN THIS BITCH ♪
327
00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:13,178
♪ AND WE DON'T GIVE A... ♪
328
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,512
329
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,513
330
00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:16,481
♪ IT'S THE PASSION IN THIS
331
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:16,881
BITCH ♪
332
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:17,849
333
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:18,216
334
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,217
335
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:19,584
336
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:20,552
337
00:10:20,554 --> 00:10:20,952
338
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:21,920
339
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:22,287
340
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,288
341
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:23,655
342
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:24,623
343
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:25,023
344
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:25,991
345
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:26,658
346
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:27,993
♪ EASY-MINNIE-MINEY-MO ♪
347
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,327
♪ PLUS, SHE GOT A CAMEL TOE ♪
348
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:30,662
♪ PULL MY NUMBER OFF MY TOP AND
349
00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:31,997
ZIP IT TO MY CAMEL BUMP ♪
350
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,164
♪ NOW WEIGH THE SCALES OF
351
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:33,832
MONOGAMY ♪
352
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,834
♪ ONE BITCH PICKED HIS BIG BUTT,
353
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:36,501
BOBBLING ♪
354
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,502
♪ MIND-BOGGLING ♪
355
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,336
♪ BACK IT IN ♪
356
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:39,671
♪ GRAND BEVERAGE IN MY STYROFOAM
357
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:40,338
CUP ♪
358
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:45,510
[ RAPPING INDISTINCTLY ]
359
00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:47,178
THAT [BLEEP] COLD!
360
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:52,851
361
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,019
362
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:57,188
363
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,723
ALL RIGHT, CUT, CUT, CUT,
364
00:10:58,725 --> 00:10:59,858
CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT.
365
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,626
YOU GOT TO EMBRACE IT!
19802
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