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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
"THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"!
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MMM!
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OKAY. UH...
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SO, UH -- [ CLEARS THROAT ]
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SO, UM, UH, GUNS N' ROSES, THEY
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JUST GOT INTO THE
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ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME.
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CHINESE DEMOCRACY?
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YEAH, RIGHT -- MORE LIKE
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TAIWANESE CONSTITUTIONAL
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MONARCHY.
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HORRIBLE PUNCH LINE.
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UH, UH, SO, UH, SANTA CLAUS,
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H-HE'S RUNNING FOR...
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PRESIDENT SOON BECAUSE...
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I-I'M SORRY, Y'ALL.
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BUT I'VE BEEN MEANING TO DO THIS
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FOR A LONG-ASS TIME.
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YEA-A-A-H.
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SIR, SIR, OR, MA'AM, WHAT DO
YOU THINK ABOUT THE ALLEGATIONS?
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A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS, MA'AM.
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MA'AM, WHAT DO YOU THINK
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ABOUT THE ALLEGATIONS?
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SIR, PLEASE IGNORE ME A-AND PUT
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YOUR ARM UP.
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PLEASE IGNORE ME, SIR.
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WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR
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YOURSELF?
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
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WHERE DO YOU STAND?
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WHAT IS HAPPENING?
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WHAT ABOUT THE PHOTOS, MA'AM?
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DO YOU THINK THE PHOTOS ARE
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GONNA PLAY A ROLE?
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ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE
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ISSUE?
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WHY IS SOMEONE FOLL-- UM, I
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DON'T KNOW.
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CHANNEL 43. UH, IS IT TRUE?
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IS IT TRUE?
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NO, IS IT --
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NO, MY CLIENT WON'T SPEAK ON
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THESE ALLEGATIONS RIGHT NOW.
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HEY, COME ON, MAN!
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GET THE BONSAI PLANTS.
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HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT MY
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CLIENT OR HER FRIENDS.
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I DON'T FEEL WELL, MAN.
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I'M TRAPPED IN A JOB I DON'T
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CARE FOR!
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EVERY WEEKEND, SLATER!
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DUE PROCESS IN A COURT OF LAW
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AND ALL THAT STUFF.
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LOOK AT MY SUIT.
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UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
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O-OUR NEXT GUEST IS, UH...
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BRANDI GLANVILLE.
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B-BRANDI GLANVILLE.
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HEY.
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WHOO!
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UP TOP!
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BOOM!
HELLO.
HAVE A SEAT. ENJOY YOURSELF.
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UM...
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YOU ARE A REALITY STAR.
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YOU'RE AN ACTRESS.
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YOU'RE A MODEL.
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YOU ARE CRYSTAL PEPSI
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PERSONIFIED.
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TELL ME YOUR NAME ONE MORE TIME.
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BRANDI GLAN--
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YOU ARE A -- YOU ARE ON A
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SHOW.
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YEAH, I'M ON A SHOW.
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YEAH, "THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF
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BEVERLY HILLS."
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"BEVERLY HILLS 90210."
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HELLO.
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WHEN WAS THE FIRST TIME YOU
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DID THE "MACARENA"?
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OH, I FORGOT YOU WERE THERE!
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HOW'D YOU FORGET I --
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IT'S, LIKE, A LITTLE CREEPY
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HAVING HIM, LIKE, HOVER OVER,
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RIGHT?
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SHUT UP.
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YOU'RE CREEPY.
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I-I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
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YOU -- WHY DO YOU KEEP SWITCHING
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BACK TO YOUR GLASSES?
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HUH?
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YOU JUST KEEP SWITCHING YOUR
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GLASSES OUT.
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I'VE NEVER SWITCHED GLASSES.
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I SWORE YOU HAD, LIKE, BLACK
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RAY-BANS ON.
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I DON'T SUPPORT THE RAY-BAN
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COMPANY.
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YOU DON'T?
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NO.
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WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR
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GLASSES?
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LensCrafters.
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OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
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THEY HAVE ONE IN, UH, WALMART
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NOW.
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LIKE, YOU CAN JUST GO IN THERE.
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IT'S OPEN LIKE 24 HOURS.
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I DON'T SUPPORT WALMART
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EITHER.
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OH. [ LAUGHING ]
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I'M MORE OF A SMALL-BUSINESS
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TYPE OF GUY.
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WELL, LensCrafters IS A GIANT
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CHAIN.
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LIKE JAMBA JUICE.
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RIGHT.
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Y-YOUR GLASSES SAY "RAY-BAN."
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I'M NOT GONNA LIE.
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I SWEAR I JUST SAW IT ON THE
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SIDE.
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OH, MAN.
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WHAT'S THE -- WHAT'S THE
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FARTHEST YOU EVER GOT WITH A
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WOMAN?
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UH, REALLY?
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YEAH, CARDS ON THE [BLEEP]
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TABLE.
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I'VE GONE ALL THE WAY.
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REALLY?
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YEAH.
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WH-- WHO ARE THESE WOMEN?
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LESBIANS.
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WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR WOMB
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AS BEING BARREN?
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MY WOMB -- I HAVE TWO SMALL
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CHILDREN.
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UM, SO IT'S BEEN OCCUPIED.
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IT IS NOW, I GUESS --
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ANDREW, YOU KNOW, I CAN HEAR
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YOU TALKING THE WHOLE [BLEEP]
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INTERVIEW, MAN.
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IT'S JUST REALLY FRUSTRATING,
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DUDE.
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SORRY. I-I DON'T KNOW --
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HEY!
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HEY.
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HEY. SORRY.
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HEY, ANDREW, CAN I TALK TO YOU
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FOR A SECOND?
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OH, NO.
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AND BEND OVER.
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I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
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OH, MY GOD!
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WHEN I'M [BLEEP] DOING THE
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SHOW, SHUT UP!
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MAN!
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS
TONIGHT'S TOP 1 LIST.
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TONIGHT'S CATEGORY -- TOP 1
REASONS TO GO TO A KOREAN STRIP
CLUB.
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AND NUMBER ONE IS...
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THE TITS.
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WAIT, IS THAT, LIKE, A TWIST
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'CAUSE KOREANS DON'T HAVE BIG
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TITS?
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HEY.
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I DON'T -- I DON'T --
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THAT'S YOUR DESK.
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WHAT THE [BLEEP]
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RECENTLY, PAKISTANI OFFICIALS
STATED THAT NATO AIRCRAFT HAD
KILLED AT LEAST 12 COMBATANTS
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ALONG THE SOUTHEASTERN AFGHAN
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BORDER.
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HERE TO COMMENT ON THE NEWS IS
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VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
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UGH!
WHAT THE HELL?
JOE, SHOULDN'T WE NOT MESS
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WITH PAKISTAN?
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I MEAN, THEY HAVE NUKES.
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THAT'S A -- I UNDER--
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I UNDERSTAND.
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PAUL TSONGAS? WHAT UP?
WHERE YOU ALL KNOW EACH OTHER
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FROM?
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♪ JOE BIDEN ♪
♪ WHAT ARE YA HIDIN'? ♪
♪ YOU AND TSONGAS GET A ROOM ♪
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HEY!
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♪ JOE BIDEN ♪
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♪ CRUNCHY AND DELICIOUS ♪
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♪ WHEN ROASTED WITH BARBECUE
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SAUCE ♪
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♪ PARDON THE CONSPIRACY,
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BUT 9/11 NEVER HAPPENED ♪
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♪ HEY, LEGALIZE THE GANJ-A-A-A ♪
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THE LORD...
MAY OR MAY NOT BE REAL!
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WHO IS TO SAY THAT GOD EXISTS?!
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JESUS...
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DID SOME STUFF...
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MAYBE.
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SHOUT IF YOU HAVE DOUBT!
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SHOUT!
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WHERE MY LONELY DRIFTERS AT?!
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I BELIEVE. I BELIEVE.
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♪ BELIEVE, I BELIEVE ♪
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♪ I BELIEVE, I BELIEVE ♪
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YEAH!
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YOU HAVE SOMEBODY TO WORSHIP
232
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NOW.
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YOU CAN SEE OUR NEXT COMEDIAN
DEFEND HIS UFC MIDDLEWEIGHT
CHAMPIONSHIP BELT THIS SATURDAY
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NIGHT AT THE FUNNY BONE IN
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SCHAUMBURG, INDIANA.
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PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR
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T.P. "PITCHFORK" BULGER!
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YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!
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SIR! HEY, SIR!
SIR, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE
SITUATION?
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WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE
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ISSUES?
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WHICH ISSUES?
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ALL OF THEM. ALL OF THEM.
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ALL THE ISSUES.
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ARE THERE ANY DOCUMENTS ON
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CHANNEL 43?
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I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
253
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TALKING ABOUT.
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WHERE ARE THE DOCUMENTS, SIR?
255
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:27,933
WHERE IS THE SITUATION WITH
256
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THE DOCUMENTS?
257
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WHAT IS A DOCUMENT?
258
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WHICH DOCUMENTS?
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I MEAN, UH...
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CAN YOU TELL YOUR FANS WHAT
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HAPPENED TO THE DOCUMENTS?
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ALL OF THE DOCUMENTS.
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SIR, PLEASE, ALL OF THE
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DOCUMENTS.
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MY CLIENT ONLY SPEAKS TO
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CABLE NEWS.
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MY CLIENT WILL NOT SPEAK WITH
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YOU.
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GIVE ME A LITTLE KISS.
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NO COMMENTS.
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WILL YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE
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KISS?
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WILL YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE KISS,
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SIR?
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THIS IS ENOUGH.
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00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:52,624
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR
MUSICAL GUEST OF THE EVENING,
OPERA SINGER LISA STANLEY AND
277
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HER HYPE MAN, KILLER MIKE.
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[ Rapping ] ♪ WE SINGIN'
OPERA, HO ♪
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♪ WE SINGIN' OPERA, HO ♪
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00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:13,645
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♪ AND I'M IN LOVE WITH A
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NIGGA ♪
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00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:20,151
♪ I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, NIGGA ♪
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00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:23,989
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00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:25,490
♪ I EAT YOU LIKE YOU PASTA,
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MAN ♪
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♪ WE GET HOT LIKE WE SO RASTAS ♪
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00:10:33,333 --> 00:10:35,000
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00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,334
♪ THOSE HOS REALLY DON'T
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00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:39,004
LOVE YOU, MAN ♪
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00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,505
♪ THOSE HOS DON'T LIKE THEIR OWN
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00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,673
KIND ♪
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00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:45,510
♪ THIS MATH IS MORE THEY SEE,
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NIGGA ♪
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♪ I HAVE NO GANG, BRIEFLY SEEN ♪
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♪ [BLEEP] UP ALL THE HOS ♪
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00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:03,094
♪ YEAH [BLEEP] ♪
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♪ NIGGA ♪
16403
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