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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
"THE ERIC ANDRE SHOW"!
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MY HANDS!
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UGH!
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THAT'S, UH -- THAT'S ALL I HAD
PLANNED FOR THE, UH -- FOR THE
SHOW.
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WHAT SHOULD I, UH -- WHAT SHOULD
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I DO NOW?
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I DON'T KNOW.
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DO A MONOLOGUE OR SOMETHING.
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YEAH, OKAY. I GOT THAT.
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ALL RIGHT, SO, UH...
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MICHAEL JACKSON?
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HE -- HE HASN'T BEEN IN THE NEWS
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TOO MUCH LATELY, RIGHT?
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IT'S LIKE, WHERE YOU HIDING,
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JACKO?
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HE'S DEAD, MAN.
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ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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I'M -- DON'T LOOK -- WORK THE
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CROWD, MAN.
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DON'T LOOK AT ME.
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ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
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WHATEVER.
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SO, UH, UM, BEYONCé, SHE'S,
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UH -- SHE'S TRYING TO TRIM DOWN
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ON THAT BABY FAT.
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SAW HER WITHOUT HER SHIRT ON,
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I WAS LIKE, WHOO, WHO'S THAT
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WOMAN WITH SIX TITS LIKE A DOG?
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WHAT?
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I WAS LIKE...
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HONK, HONK.
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WAIT A MINUTE.
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YOU FOR REAL THINK THAT THOSE
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WORDS THAT YOU JUST SAID SHOULD
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BE ON TELEVISION?
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I'M DYING.
WE ALL ARE.
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CONGRATULATIONS!
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AMERICA'S FAVORITE LEADING MAN,
GEORGE CLOONEY!
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COME ON OUT, YEAH!
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THERE HE IS.
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THERE HE IS. YES, OKAY.
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BEFORE YOU TAKE A SEAT, COULD --
COULD YOU START OUT DOING SOME
OF YOUR AWARD-WINNING STAND-UP
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COMEDY FOR US?
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COME ON UP THERE.
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UH, WELL, AWARD-WINNING --
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I DON'T KNOW.
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LET'S SEE HERE. UH, HMM.
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UH...
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YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M SPARRING
WITH MY BUDDIES -- BRAD AND THE
BOYS -- WE DON'T DO A LOT OF,
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UH, KARATE, "HYAH, HYAH."
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WE EXPLORE MORE LIKE LOVERS,
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YOU KNOW?
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IT'S LIKE A BONDING AND ROLLING
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AROUND, YOU KNOW.
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BUT --
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GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.
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THANK YOU.
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EXCELLENT.
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SO, YOU TOLD ME LAST TIME A
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LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR --
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YOUR WIFE.
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IT'S FUNNY WHEN YOU --
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YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE,
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AND THE FIRST NIGHT WAS WILD,
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SO, YOU KNOW, WE, UH -- NO
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QUESTION IN OUR MIND.
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WE WERE DONE. WE HOOKED UP.
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OH, WOW.
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FIRST NIGHT? FIRST NIGHT?
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YEAH, YEAH.
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FIRST NIGHT?
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OH!
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OW!
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IT TOOK ME A WHILE FOR --TO
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TEACH HER ENGLISH.
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WHOA.
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DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?
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GOD IS EVERYTHING -- YOU
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KNOW, THE MOUNTAINS, THE
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OCEAN...
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SORRY TO BACKTRACK.
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YOU SAID THAT YOU HAD TO TEACH
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HER ENGLISH.
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...BRIGHT WATER...
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BUT YOU SMASHED THE FIRST
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NIGHT, SO...
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I -- RIGHT NOW I HAVE A
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SQUIRREL ALWAYS COMING TO MY
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HOUSE, AND IT'S ALWAYS KNOCKING
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ON THE DOOR...
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WHAT DID YOU DO TO SMASH IF
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YOU COULDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH TO
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HER?
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...KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW,
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I'M JUST WONDERING, MAYBE THAT'S
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MY MOM.
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OH, I THINK -- OH, YES, WE'RE
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GOING TO DO THE COFFEE
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CHALLENGE.
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OH, BOY.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
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ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.
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COFFEE CHALLENGE.
DON'T BE SHY.
SLAM IT?
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AS MUCH AS YOU CAN DO.
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SLAM IT.
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ARE YOU KIDDING? OH, BLACK?
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CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, YEAH.
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CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG,
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CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG.
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GLAD WE GOT A TABLE HERE.
YEAH. YEAH. ALL RIGHT!
NICE.
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ALL RIGHT, I'M BACK. OKAY.
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EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.
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NOW YOU'RE BACK, BABY.
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ALL RIGHT, HOW WAS THAT FOR YOU?
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THAT WAS GOOD.
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THAT WAS GREAT.
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GUN TO YOUR HEAD, WHO WOULD
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YOU RATHER HAVE SEX WITH -- YOUR
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MOM OR YOUR DAD?
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WHOO! [ LAUGHS ]
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THIS IS OUR FLAG.
OH, LORD. OH, LORD.
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OH, LORD. OH, LORD.
OH, LORD.
HIDE US! HIDE ME!
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HIDE ME, MAN! HIDE ME, MAN!
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HIDE US! SOMEBODY HIDE US!
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HIDE US! HIDE US! HIDE US!
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HIDE US!
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AAH!
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DON'T FORGET THEM SLAVES!
LOOK OUT, HERE THEY COME!
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WHY IS EVERYBODY WATCHING?
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YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
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OH, LORD! OH, LORD!
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AND WE'RE BACK WITH
GEORGE CLOONEY.
LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW MOVIE.
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♪ THE WATERS FROM THE TALLEST
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MOUNTAIN IN THE WORLD ♪
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♪ FLOWS THROUGH THE DELTA TO
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THE SEA ♪
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♪ OUR EMPIRE ♪
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♪ THE CENTER OF OUR RIVER
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LIFE ♪
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♪ YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO IS
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WRONG ♪
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THAT WAS HELLA BORING.
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WHOO.
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THIS NEXT GUEST YOU'VE SEEN
ON "VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN."
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PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR --
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IT'S TIME TO PLAY "THIS OR
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THAT?"
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CONTESTANTS, ARE YOU READY?
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NO.
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YOGA OR TAI CHI?
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TAI CHI?
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SORRY. WE COULD NOT HEAR YOU.
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HOT COFFEE TO THE FACE!
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AAH! OH! OH, MY GOD!
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NEXT QUESTION.
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MOLESTED OR GENIUS?
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OH, MY GOD.
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OH. OH.
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LETTUCE.
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I DIDN'T SEE THE --
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OH, COME ON, MAN!
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HOW DOES THIS GAME EVEN WORK?!
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CLOACA OR COCHLEA?
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OH, MY GOD.
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COCHLEA?
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I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE
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WORDS MEAN, MAN!
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AAH!
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ERIC, DRINK THIS MILK AND
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TELL US, IS IT FRESH OR SPOILED?
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WHAT?
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UGH! DEFINITELY SPOILED!
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GOD! OH!
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OW! OH!
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YO, YOU OWE ME 3,000 BUCKS,
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SON.
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WHAT?
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AAH!
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AH, A MAN WHO NEEDS NO
INTRODUCTION -- PLEASE GIVE IT
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UP FOR DOLPH LUNDGREN,
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EVERYBODY!
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YAY.
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OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. THERE HE IS.
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HOW ARE YOU?
YEAH.
DOLPH DADDY!
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I LOVE BOYZ II MEN.
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I'M VERY EXCITED.
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THANKS, MAN.
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YOU -- YOU AGED -- YOU AGED
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AMAZING.
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HOW DO YOU -- WHAT'S YOUR
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SECRET?
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YOU MUST EAT A [BLEEP] TON
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OF VITAMINS.
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NO, I GOT, LIKE, THOSE VIKING
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GENETICS TO JUST LIKE -- A BUNCH
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OF, LIKE, RAPISTS AND PILLAGERS,
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YOU KNOW, BUT FROM SWEDEN, YOU
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KNOW?
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I'VE ALWAYS TOLD HANNIBAL I
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KNEW YOU HAD RAPIST BLOOD.
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I GOT IT.
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AND YOU WERE IN "HE-MAN."
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YEP.
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YOU EVER BEEN INSIDE A
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SHE-MAN?
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ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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IT WAS THE '70s.
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IT WAS FUN -- LET'S PUT IT
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THAT WAY -- FOR A SWEDISH KID
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WHO, YOU KNOW, USED TO DO
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CHEMICAL ENGINEERING.
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IT WAS -- IT WAS -- IT WAS A BIG
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CHANGE, THAT'S FOR SURE.
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HOW MANY CHEMICALS ARE THERE?
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HOW MANY CHEMICALS?
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WELL, THERE ARE, YOU KNOW, HOW
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MANY ELEMENTS, WHICH...
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67.
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...THERE'S ABOUT 104, I
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THINK, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...
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YEAH.
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...IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY.
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2.
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WHAT ARE YOU -- YOU'RE VERY
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SPIRITUAL.
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NO, YOU'RE NOT.
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YOU'RE -- YOU'RE A HARD-CORE
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ATHEIST -- NIHILIST.
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I THINK BUDDHISM IS KIND OF
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COOL BECAUSE THEY -- THEY THINK
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YOU SHOULD LEARN SOMETHING EVERY
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TIME YOU COME BACK.
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YEAH.
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YOU KNOW?
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MY GRANDDAD IS REINCARNATED.
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YEAH. HUH?
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HE -- HE REINCARNATED AS ALL
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WATER, MY GRANDDAD.
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THAT'S COOL.
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AT LEAST HE'S WET, YOU KNOW?
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YEAH.
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[ Muffled ] OH, WANT SOME?
276
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,166
I'M GONNA MAKE A LITTLE PILLOW,
277
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,068
YOU KNOW?
278
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:39,344
279
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,685
WELCOME TO HELL!
AAH!
280
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,553
MAN, WHY'D YOU GO AND SCARE
281
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,387
MY GIRL LIKE THAT, MAN?
282
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:50,355
YOU'RE THE ONE-MILLIONTH
283
00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:51,423
PERSON TO USE THIS GARBAGE CAN.
284
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:51,990
OH, MY GOD.
285
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:52,991
SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU,
286
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,159
MAN, STANDING IN GARBAGE CANS?
287
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:55,393
TRYING TO GIVE SOMEBODY A HEART
288
00:09:55,395 --> 00:09:55,794
ATTACK?
289
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:56,194
NO.
290
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:56,595
HUH?
291
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,163
I BOOKED TONIGHT'S MUSICAL
292
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,598
ACT BEFORE I REMEMBERED I
293
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,266
ALREADY BOOKED ANOTHER MUSICAL
294
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,867
ACT FOR THE NIGHT, SO WITHOUT
295
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:04,502
ANY FURTHER ADO, PLEASE WELCOME
296
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:06,004
MODERN TIME MACHINES AND
297
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:07,038
RETALIATE.
298
00:10:07,239 --> 00:10:18,516
299
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:22,187
300
00:10:57,023 --> 00:10:58,790
301
00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:06,331
16409
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