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- ♪ I live to survive another heartache ♪
2
00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:13,963
♪ I live to survive another mistake ♪
3
00:00:14,047 --> 00:00:16,832
- [sobs]
4
00:00:16,916 --> 00:00:19,419
- Look, I know it wasn't
the best Thanksgiving,
5
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,671
but Nico is going to be fine.
6
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:24,674
- Yeah, he's my baby boy.
7
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- He's 21, Dad.
8
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- Yeah, but he's sensitive.
9
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,845
He's not tough and brawny like you.
10
00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:31,779
- Brawny?
- Look, don't worry about me
11
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:32,815
or this family.
12
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You go have fun, study hard,
13
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,436
find a boyfriend...
14
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be young.
15
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,690
- Okay. I love you.
16
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,358
Are you sure you're good to drive?
17
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- I don't know, we'll see.
18
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I think so.
19
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Goodbye, pumpkin.
20
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- ♪ Another mistake ♪
21
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:52,085
♪ Another heartache ♪
22
00:00:52,185 --> 00:00:53,286
- Here, hold your bag.
23
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:54,804
- I'm fine, Carol.
- All right.
24
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,623
- Oh, my God, Whitney, hi!
25
00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:59,125
How was your Thanksgiving?
- Really good.
26
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:01,010
Wait, did you guys
drive here from Arizona?
27
00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:02,595
Isn't that a long trip?
28
00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:04,947
- Yeah, it's 39 hours,
and it felt like a lot more.
29
00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:08,551
- Yup, it ended up costing
$1,500 in gas and hotels.
30
00:01:08,635 --> 00:01:10,853
And we got in a couple
really bad arguments.
31
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- Ah, wouldn't change a thing.
32
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Hi!
- Hey.
33
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- Oh, my goodness. How's your family?
34
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,526
- Uh, good. We adopted a dog.
- Ooh.
35
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- My mom thought it would help
her approval ratings.
36
00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:20,980
It did not. She returned it.
37
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,782
- Oh.
- She is an amazing woman.
38
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I always defend her to my buddies.
39
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- Dad!
- Well, honey,
40
00:01:25,885 --> 00:01:27,470
we should head out.
I gotta work in the morning.
41
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:28,988
- In Arizona?
- Yeah.
42
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,206
We're gonna try not to stop.
43
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:31,507
Bye, sweetie.
- Okay, bye.
44
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:32,842
- We love you.
- Drive safe.
45
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,410
Love you.
- I love you, pinochle.
46
00:01:34,494 --> 00:01:36,045
- ♪ Watch me, I'm back on my feet ♪
47
00:01:36,129 --> 00:01:38,347
- After that long drive,
I just really wanna relax.
48
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:39,632
- Yeah.
49
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- Whitney! Kimberly!
50
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I missed you bitches. Come here!
51
00:01:42,735 --> 00:01:43,670
- Hey.
- Hey, Bela.
52
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:44,637
- Uh, sorry,
53
00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:45,921
where are your clothes?
54
00:01:46,005 --> 00:01:47,690
- Oh! Got in about 15 minutes ago,
55
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got comfortable, made myself some snacks.
56
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,093
My parents were, like, obsessed with me
57
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wearing clothes at home.
- Oh, totally.
58
00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:53,662
Would you mind putting a towel down
59
00:01:53,746 --> 00:01:54,864
before you sit on the sofa?
60
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,016
- Why?
- Because of your butt.
61
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,351
- Oh.
62
00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:00,320
- Leighton, hey!
- Welcome back!
63
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:02,822
- Hey!
- Hi, all.
64
00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:05,024
I have an announcement.
65
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,208
Why are you in your underwear?
66
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:07,743
- For comfort.
67
00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:10,579
- Okay, well, Nico got expelled.
68
00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:11,865
- What?
- Oh, my God.
69
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,366
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
70
00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,084
When Kimberly turned
in the stolen test files,
71
00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:17,704
the administration started
an investigation,
72
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,206
and a bunch of senior Thetas
got kicked out.
73
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,625
- The seniors?
But they were the hottest ones.
74
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,093
- What's Nico gonna do?
75
00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:25,928
- Well, thankfully,
my dad was able to make
76
00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:29,098
a big donation to Cornell and
got him a spot next semester.
77
00:02:29,182 --> 00:02:31,885
And they got him an Audi
to try and cheer him up.
78
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,103
- Mm-kay, this story
is getting less sympathetic.
79
00:02:34,187 --> 00:02:36,556
- I'm so sorry.
Your brother was gorgeous,
80
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,941
and I'm gonna miss seeing his
face and body around campus.
81
00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:40,527
- Thank you.
82
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,062
Are you wearing my underwear?
83
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,481
- Just the bra... oh! Bottoms too.
84
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:46,615
[laughs]
85
00:02:46,699 --> 00:02:48,234
- ♪ We got one night only ♪
86
00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,919
♪ Put your money where your mouth is ♪
87
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,620
♪ And I'ma show you how I bounce ♪
88
00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:54,240
♪ If I burst, son, I might hurt some ♪
89
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:55,909
- Kimberly.
- Yeah?
90
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,893
- Did you tell your parents
about losing your scholarship?
91
00:02:57,977 --> 00:02:59,628
- Oh, I couldn't find the right
time to mention it to them.
92
00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:01,764
- What do you mean? You were
in the car for 39 hours.
93
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,466
- Yeah, don't you need,
like, a lot of money?
94
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:06,586
- Oh, just $42,000 per year...
95
00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,471
$138,000 total.
96
00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:10,757
- Seriously? That's, like, four cars,
97
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,341
or, like, five of Leighton's purses.
98
00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:14,243
- Dude, I think you need
to tell your parents.
99
00:03:14,327 --> 00:03:15,778
- I can't. It would kill them.
100
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:17,279
I need to figure out
a solution on my own.
101
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:18,981
- [gasps] Solution's right here.
102
00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:20,282
Ask one of these two moneybags for it.
103
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,784
Their parents are loaded.
- Uh...
104
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:23,152
- I mean, don't look at me.
105
00:03:23,236 --> 00:03:24,820
Leighton's family's
way richer than mine is.
106
00:03:24,904 --> 00:03:26,773
We're politician rich.
107
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,791
- Well, most of my family's
wealth is tied up
108
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:31,411
in real estate and, um,
several racehorses.
109
00:03:31,511 --> 00:03:32,695
- Oh, you guys don't need
110
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:34,463
to make your rich families sound poor.
111
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,432
I would never ask
either of you for money.
112
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I got myself into this,
and I'll get myself out.
113
00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:41,303
- Wait, I've got it.
If you need extra money,
114
00:03:41,387 --> 00:03:42,638
you should sell feet pics
on the dark web.
115
00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:43,973
- [gasps] That's certainly
116
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,774
an interesting idea.
- Kimberly, no.
117
00:03:45,858 --> 00:03:48,310
- Just go to the financial aid
office and apply for a loan.
118
00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:50,446
- No! My plan is better.
You've got long toes,
119
00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:51,547
and there's a real market for that.
120
00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:52,632
- Stop!
- Bela!
121
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:53,682
- What? Don't shame me
122
00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:54,934
for my good ideas.
123
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:55,969
- ♪ Whoo! ♪
124
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,470
[upbeat music]
125
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,306
- Guys, what are we always
saying this campus needs?
126
00:04:00,406 --> 00:04:01,490
- Better Wi-Fi?
- A decent place
127
00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:02,658
to get my eyebrows tinted?
128
00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:03,859
- A memorial to Native peoples.
129
00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:05,311
- [scoffs] No.
130
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,814
An all-female comedy magazine.
131
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,131
both: Hm.
- I'm starting one
132
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:10,149
with some friends.
133
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,300
We're toppling the patriarchy
134
00:04:11,384 --> 00:04:12,819
one top-ten list at a time.
135
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,803
- Are magazines, like, a thing anymore?
136
00:04:14,887 --> 00:04:16,739
- Well, ours would mostly be
an Instagram presence,
137
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:18,674
a sassy Twitter account, and a website
138
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:20,176
that we haven't bought
the domain for yet.
139
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,810
It's gonna be huge.
- That's so cool.
140
00:04:21,894 --> 00:04:23,546
- Yeah.
- Bela, I have to say,
141
00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:24,998
so far, I support this.
142
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,332
- Yeah. all: Ah!
143
00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:28,801
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
144
00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:30,853
- Did somebody just hit me
with a milk carton?
145
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:32,721
- Oh, man. You just got nailed.
146
00:04:32,805 --> 00:04:34,156
- Yeah, that was so fucked up.
147
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,858
- Yeah, I know.
- That must have been
148
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,010
really surprising.
149
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,845
- Um, yeah, it was.
150
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,096
- So even though
you didn't do anything wrong,
151
00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:42,731
something bad still happened to you?
152
00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:44,366
- Why are you talking like that?
153
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,701
- Yeah, it sounds like
the beginning of a parable.
154
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:47,069
- 'Cause we're in fucking Theta,
155
00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:49,322
and you guys got our charter suspended.
156
00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:50,539
- Wait, is that what this is about,
157
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:51,858
the stupid test thing?
158
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,776
- Yeah, you narced on us, you narcs.
159
00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:55,544
- That stunt you pulled fucked us.
160
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:56,912
We can't throw parties anymore.
161
00:04:56,996 --> 00:04:59,415
- So you threw a fucking milk at me?
162
00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:02,035
This sweater cost $800!
- What?
163
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,552
- You dickheads were the ones cheating.
164
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:04,887
We were just the whistleblowers.
165
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,255
- Yeah, and I didn't even do it.
166
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:07,540
All right? It was her.
167
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,191
- I am kind of responsible for that.
168
00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:11,844
- I know. I meant to hit you,
but my aim was off.
169
00:05:11,944 --> 00:05:13,462
It doesn't matter. From now on,
170
00:05:13,546 --> 00:05:16,049
none of you are ever
setting foot in Theta again.
171
00:05:17,383 --> 00:05:19,768
- Uh! He took my clementine.
172
00:05:19,852 --> 00:05:23,056
[electronic music]
173
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,058
- I'm so sorry that happened to you.
174
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,209
- Eh, I'm used to it.
My mom and I have gotten
175
00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:29,111
blood thrown on us
outside multiple operas.
176
00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:32,147
- Guys, I can't believe we
can't party at Theta anymore.
177
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:33,533
- Who cares about Theta?
178
00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:35,251
They can't even throw parties anymore.
179
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:38,120
We'll just find a new frat to hang with.
180
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:39,989
- Oh, my God.
181
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:41,490
- What?
- Look.
182
00:05:41,574 --> 00:05:45,878
- ♪ Drive all night to find out ♪
183
00:05:45,978 --> 00:05:49,082
♪ What you can't see ♪
184
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:53,669
♪ Cities lighting up the midnight sky ♪
185
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:57,256
- Girls, remember not
to congregate in the hallways.
186
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,725
It is a fire hazard.
187
00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:01,394
These old buildings
are tinder boxes, so...
188
00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:03,979
- Thanks, Frude.
- See you at the FAF meeting.
189
00:06:04,063 --> 00:06:07,100
♪ ♪
190
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,151
Welcome back, my Fresh-Them.
191
00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:11,771
I hope you enjoyed American Thanksgiving,
192
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,023
and I'm relieved
so few of you transferred.
193
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,275
I do have exciting news.
194
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,578
We have a new student joining us,
195
00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:20,947
and he is climate refugee.
196
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,782
- [gasps] Wow, I think it's great
197
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,700
that we're taking in a displaced person.
198
00:06:24,784 --> 00:06:26,535
- Yeah, are they
from a developing nation?
199
00:06:26,619 --> 00:06:28,537
- No, he's from Kansas.
200
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:30,039
Ah, here he is now.
201
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:32,792
Everyone, please give a warm welcome
202
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:36,462
to our climate refugee, Jackson.
203
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:37,463
- Hello.
- Wait,
204
00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:38,814
you're the climate refugee?
205
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,015
You're white.
- Bela.
206
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:42,135
- What the hell?
- Sweetheart, um,
207
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,852
tell us what happened to you,
208
00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:45,772
and if you're straight and single.
209
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:48,123
- [sighs] I really don't
know how else to say it.
210
00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:50,977
My college dorm was blown away
by a Category 4 tornado.
211
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,145
[all gasp]
- Shit.
212
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,395
- Wow.
- Wait, what?
213
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:55,281
- That's terrible. But Frude,
214
00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:56,999
I think the term "refugee" implies
215
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,567
more of an international displacement.
216
00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:01,203
- Uh, Kimberly,
do not offend my new friend.
217
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:02,571
He's been through enough.
218
00:07:02,655 --> 00:07:04,573
I think climate change is real.
219
00:07:04,657 --> 00:07:06,909
- Yeah, are you serious?
- I didn't say it wasn't.
220
00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:08,877
- And speaking of climate change,
221
00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:11,497
tomorrow's forecast calls for snow,
222
00:07:11,597 --> 00:07:15,835
which brings with it Essex's
oldest non-racist tradition,
223
00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,553
The Annual Snow Run.
224
00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:19,172
[all cheer]
- Oh, my God!
225
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,190
Is that where we run
in the snow in our underwear?
226
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,675
- That is correct.
227
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,193
- Should we pregame
or wait till we get there?
228
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,761
- Oh, we should absolutely pregame.
229
00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:27,496
The booze in our dorm is way better.
230
00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:31,317
- Reminder, underage drinking
is illegal and not fun.
231
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:33,853
But what is fun is our next juicy topic...
232
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:35,938
avoiding seasonal depression.
233
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:37,106
[all groan]
234
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:40,159
♪ ♪
235
00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:42,495
- Hey, Kimberly.
236
00:07:43,529 --> 00:07:46,949
Hey, did you buy me a column
of gay pride balloons?
237
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:48,334
- Oh, my God. I did.
238
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:49,952
I'm so sorry.
239
00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:52,872
I assumed you told Whitney
and Bela over break,
240
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:56,091
but then you didn't,
and I couldn't cancel them.
241
00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:57,393
Did anyone else see them?
242
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,679
Have I outed you? Am I bad ally?
243
00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,430
- No, you're fine.
244
00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:02,965
I'm just disturbed that you think I am
245
00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:05,351
the kind of gay person
who would like that.
246
00:08:05,451 --> 00:08:07,403
- Got it. When you come out
to Whitney and Bela,
247
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,037
I'll get you a classier balloon tower.
248
00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:11,557
- My ideal coming-out
does not involve balloons.
249
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,226
No balloons at all, please.
250
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,877
- Are you gonna tell Bela and Whitney?
251
00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:18,781
- At some point, probably,
but not right now.
252
00:08:18,865 --> 00:08:21,067
- Well, I'm here for you.
253
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,703
Okay, I gotta go
to the financial aid office
254
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:24,904
to ask for a loan.
255
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,155
Wish me luck.
256
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,241
- Wait, wearing your Sips uniform?
257
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,092
- Yeah, I want them to know I have a job.
258
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,493
It's pretty smart, right?
259
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:33,829
- Kimberly, banks only
give money to people
260
00:08:33,913 --> 00:08:37,083
who look like they already have money.
261
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,133
Let me help you.
262
00:08:38,217 --> 00:08:39,886
- ♪ You're cold as ice ♪
263
00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:41,937
["Ceci N'est Pas un Cliché"
by Charlotte Adigéry]
264
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:44,640
♪ I wanna make you feel real nice ♪
265
00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,259
♪ ♪
266
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,576
♪ I wanna make you feel ♪
267
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:49,178
- Kimberly Finkle?
- Here.
268
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:52,265
♪ ♪
269
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,016
- I'm so psyched for the off-season.
270
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,651
I got hit with a soccer ball
so many times,
271
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:57,619
I think my titties got CTE.
- [chuckles]
272
00:08:57,703 --> 00:08:59,822
So what are we gonna do
with all our free time?
273
00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:01,156
I'm thinking sleeping till 3:00
274
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,691
and then drinking till the other 3:00.
275
00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:04,593
- Mm, that's a no for me.
My schedule's packed.
276
00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:06,245
- Already? How?
277
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:07,696
- Off-season is when we do all the stuff
278
00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:09,115
we can't do during soccer.
279
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,699
- I'm running for student government.
280
00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:12,801
Have you seen those losers?
I'm gon' clean up.
281
00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,369
- Why would you wanna do that?
282
00:09:14,453 --> 00:09:16,338
- Pad that grad school résumé, babe.
283
00:09:16,422 --> 00:09:18,707
- Yeah, I've got basketball.
I'm a two-season athlete.
284
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:20,609
But you were just joking about sleeping
285
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:22,295
and drinking all day, right?
286
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,298
- [laughing] Yes, duh, totally.
287
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,016
I've got so much going on. Let's go.
288
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:31,053
[electronic music]
289
00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:34,473
♪ ♪
290
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,024
- Well, Ms. Finkle,
291
00:09:36,108 --> 00:09:37,726
I think we're gonna be able
to get you this loan.
292
00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:40,146
- Oh, my God, really?
That's such a relief.
293
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:42,982
- I'm happy to help.
Do you, uh, have any questions?
294
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,399
- No.
- Actually, yes.
295
00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:46,953
When does the loan start
accruing interest,
296
00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:48,737
and is it fixed or variable?
297
00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:50,156
- Great questions.
298
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,708
Let me just get you this pamphlet.
299
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:53,960
- Oh, wow.
300
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:55,828
Everyone in here looks so happy.
301
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,212
- Kimberly, they're print models.
302
00:09:57,296 --> 00:09:59,014
I've seen that girl in a NuvaRing ad.
303
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,583
Can you at least walk us
through the payback structure?
304
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:04,586
- Uh, well, with a loan your size,
305
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:08,341
you'd be paying about $900
a month for the next 30 years.
306
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:11,093
But with autopay,
it's like you don't even know
307
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,845
the money's leaving your account.
308
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,997
- You're gonna be paying this
back until you're, like, 50.
309
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:18,934
- Oh, the payoff age is
actually late-60s on average.
310
00:10:19,018 --> 00:10:21,603
- Oh. I don't have any other options.
311
00:10:21,687 --> 00:10:23,405
I'd like to go ahead with the loan.
312
00:10:23,489 --> 00:10:26,158
- Wonderful, let's get you that shmoney.
313
00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:27,676
I'm just gonna go grab the paperwork
314
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,195
for your parents to cosign.
315
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,696
- No!
316
00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:33,949
I mean, what if that's not an option?
317
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:38,787
- I'm sorry, but a cosigner
is kind of a non-negotiable.
318
00:10:38,871 --> 00:10:42,508
- Oh, then I don't think I can do this.
319
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:43,959
Thanks for your time.
320
00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:46,461
[electronic music]
321
00:10:46,545 --> 00:10:48,881
- Welcome, funny ladies of Essex.
322
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:51,066
We're so happy
you're interested in joining
323
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:55,938
our school's first ever,
female-only comedy magazine.
324
00:10:56,022 --> 00:10:57,139
[applause]
325
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:58,724
- I know what you're thinking.
326
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,443
Will it be hard to do this
without a bunch of guys
327
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:04,279
who steal all their ideas
from Conan and "SNL"?
328
00:11:04,363 --> 00:11:05,814
No, it will not. [laughter]
329
00:11:05,898 --> 00:11:07,115
- If you're in this room,
330
00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:08,750
it means you're part of the movement...
331
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:10,786
except for that guy,
who's doing homework, I think.
332
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:13,255
We're still working on finding
a permanent meeting space.
333
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,958
- We're so excited
to read your submissions.
334
00:11:16,042 --> 00:11:17,910
- Mm-hmm. In a few short days,
335
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:19,795
some of you lucky ladies
will be joining us
336
00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:21,897
in writing our groundbreaking
first edition
337
00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:24,417
as one of our newfound comedy sisters.
338
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,085
[cheers and applause]
339
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,504
Holy shit, these girls are unfunny turds.
340
00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:31,340
- In a good way?
341
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,975
- How would that be in a good way?
342
00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:34,643
- Bela, you're overreacting.
343
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:37,679
Some are... fine.
- Have you read these?
344
00:11:37,763 --> 00:11:39,615
This girl wrote a poem
about celiac disease,
345
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,935
and this girl wrote
a phrase called "OBGY-LOL."
346
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,854
What does that even mean?
- So they have a lot to learn.
347
00:11:45,938 --> 00:11:48,156
We'll teach them.
- I really need this to work.
348
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:49,925
I wanna write with writers
that are funny,
349
00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:51,326
like you and Jo.
350
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:53,195
- And me.
- Sure.
351
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:54,963
- Look, none of us thought
we were gonna find
352
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:57,583
a bunch of amazing and
hilarious people right away.
353
00:11:57,683 --> 00:11:59,868
Just be patient, okay?
354
00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:01,036
- Okay.
355
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,789
- ♪ Never gonna be the same ♪
356
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:05,474
- Sorry about your loan, Kimberly.
357
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,808
If it makes you feel any better,
358
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,644
my new comedy magazine's a disaster.
359
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:09,845
- Really? Why?
360
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:11,297
- Because they all stink.
361
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,981
I'm worried "The Catullan"
was onto something
362
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,967
not letting women join until 1994.
363
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,618
- Mmm.
- Look, I don't know anything
364
00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:18,020
about comedy...
- So true.
365
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:19,354
So, so true.
366
00:12:19,438 --> 00:12:21,123
- But maybe, before
you throw this all away,
367
00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:22,724
you should talk to someone
who's done it before.
368
00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:24,159
- That does seem like good advice.
369
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,661
- Ooh, well, I have some cool news.
370
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,129
I'm gonna be on the water polo team.
371
00:12:27,213 --> 00:12:28,363
- Really?
- What?
372
00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:29,998
I didn't know you played water polo.
373
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:32,034
- Oh, I don't... yet. But it seems easy.
374
00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:33,502
Based off a video I watched,
375
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,870
I think it's just pool soccer with hands.
376
00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:36,138
- [gasps] And then we can hang out
377
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:37,490
with the water polo guys.
378
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,541
You know, maybe things are looking up.
379
00:12:39,625 --> 00:12:41,243
Ow, my boob!
380
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,411
- [chuckles]
381
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:43,662
- What the fuck?
382
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,664
- Sorry. Not really, though.
383
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,383
- ♪ I don't need no drugs at the disco ♪
384
00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:50,385
- Now it's trash, you trash.
385
00:12:50,469 --> 00:12:51,670
- Put your clothes on.
386
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,422
- ♪ On the dance floor ♪
387
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:55,891
- Aw, fuck. I gotta ice my boob.
388
00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,092
[person moaning]
389
00:12:57,176 --> 00:12:58,393
- Wait, what is that?
390
00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:00,346
[people moaning]
391
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,481
Did you guys hear that?
392
00:13:03,582 --> 00:13:05,684
[moaning gets louder]
- Oh, my God.
393
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:06,986
Sex noises!
394
00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:08,236
- Wait, that's the climate refugee.
395
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,438
That's his room.
396
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,191
- [chuckles]
- Wonder who she is.
397
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:14,109
- Well, whoever she is, she's
having the time of her life.
398
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:16,111
- [laughs]
- They are being so loud.
399
00:13:16,195 --> 00:13:17,846
It's literal noise pollution.
I'm gonna knock.
400
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:19,214
- Don't you dare!
- Oh, ow, ow.
401
00:13:19,298 --> 00:13:20,449
- Just let me record a little first.
402
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,368
[moaning continues]
403
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:25,754
[laidback music]
404
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:28,924
[knocking]
405
00:13:29,008 --> 00:13:31,177
- Bela? It's 8:15 in the morning.
406
00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:33,595
Why are you here?
- It's urgent.
407
00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:35,381
- How did you find my apartment?
408
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,899
It was a very conscious choice
to not tell you where it was.
409
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:39,735
- Look, my new magazine is a disaster.
410
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,903
All the applicants suck,
which is why I've decided
411
00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:43,705
to immediately give up
and accept my old spot
412
00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:45,357
on "The Catullan." Bela's back.
413
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:46,559
You're welcome.
414
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,861
- Um, no. [chuckles]
415
00:13:48,961 --> 00:13:50,879
I don't think anyone's gonna
be excited to work with a girl
416
00:13:50,963 --> 00:13:52,748
who left and stole all
of our good writers.
417
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,883
- They left willingly.
"The Catullan" sucked.
418
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,451
- You just said you wanted
to come back to it.
419
00:13:56,535 --> 00:13:58,871
- Fine then. Will you join my magazine?
420
00:13:58,971 --> 00:14:01,990
- What can I say that will
help you leave my apartment?
421
00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:04,577
- What do I do?
422
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,129
- [sighs] Um, okay,
423
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:09,297
so you're building a team, right?
424
00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:11,884
So you gotta look at this
as your LeBron moment.
425
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:14,803
This is your chance to put
together a super comedy lineup.
426
00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:16,338
Right? Like, LeBron didn't just wait
427
00:14:16,422 --> 00:14:17,739
for people to come join the team.
428
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:18,907
He went out, and he found
429
00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:19,975
Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.
430
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:21,927
- Uh-huh, got it.
431
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,779
Can you put that in not sports terms?
432
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,265
- Just find a bunch of funny people.
433
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:27,600
- Cool.
434
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,652
[upbeat vocal music]
435
00:14:30,736 --> 00:14:32,521
♪ ♪
436
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,157
- [blows whistle] Good morning, ladies.
437
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:36,942
Welcome to water polo tryouts.
438
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:39,528
We're gonna do a scrimmage so
I can assess your skill level.
439
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:40,913
- This seems fun.
440
00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:42,464
You ever played water polo before?
441
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,798
- Yup, I played competitively
for eight years.
442
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,002
- Yeah, I just started,
but I'm pretty sure
443
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:48,537
it's gonna be my life now too.
444
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,639
Ooh, also, real quick,
what are the rules?
445
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,140
- [blows whistle]
Up, up, up, up! Let's go!
446
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:53,475
Come on, ladies! Get in the water!
447
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:54,676
Here we go, yes! [blows whistle]
448
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:55,844
[upbeat music]
449
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:58,346
All right, let's go. Pass it!
450
00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:01,433
- How are you guys not using
your arms to swim right now?
451
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,018
- [blows whistle] Come on, you got this!
452
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:05,387
- Whoo!
- Which team am I on again?
453
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:06,688
- Let's go! Quickly!
454
00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:07,889
- [grunts]
455
00:15:07,973 --> 00:15:08,990
Me, I got it! I'm open...
456
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,142
[grunting]
457
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,893
- Mm.
- [blows whistle]
458
00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,112
Transition! High!
459
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:14,780
- [grunting]
460
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:16,415
- Oy.
- I'm open! I'm ope...
461
00:15:17,816 --> 00:15:19,451
[whistle blows distantly]
462
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:24,823
- You got knocked out,
but I gave you mouth-to-mouth.
463
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,792
- Thanks.
464
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:28,577
I think I get the rules now.
465
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,162
Should I jump back in?
466
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:31,163
- No.
467
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:34,216
[upbeat music]
468
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:38,504
♪ ♪
469
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:41,089
- So how'd it go with the loan?
- Honestly, not great.
470
00:15:41,173 --> 00:15:43,425
They said they need my parents
to cosign my loan,
471
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,311
and I can't tell them what happened.
472
00:15:45,411 --> 00:15:47,229
- So what are you gonna do?
- Ooh, I have an idea.
473
00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:49,831
My cousin got a bunch of money
when she was hit by a city bus.
474
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:51,733
Do that.
- Actually, I found
475
00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:55,020
a super high-paying second job
I can do from my dorm room.
476
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,870
I'm typing up the closed captioning
477
00:15:56,956 --> 00:16:00,359
for a reality show called
"Sex Paradise: Australia."
478
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,444
- That's a job?
- It sure is.
479
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:04,079
All I have to do is watch an episode,
480
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,715
listen very closely, and
type up what they're saying...
481
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,416
and the noises they make
in the Pleasure Hut...
482
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:12,004
for 20 freakin' bucks an hour.
- That's disgusting.
483
00:16:12,104 --> 00:16:13,688
How many episodes
are they paying you for?
484
00:16:13,772 --> 00:16:15,341
- It's 300 episodes a season.
485
00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:17,025
So if I can find time to transcribe
486
00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:19,878
for at least 50 hours a week,
on top of my school work
487
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:23,048
and my Sips job, my finances
will be totally taken care of.
488
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:24,466
- That's too much.
489
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,034
You should just tell
your mom what happened
490
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:27,269
and have her cosign a loan.
491
00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:29,054
- No, I'm gonna go with my thing.
492
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:30,272
- Okay.
493
00:16:30,356 --> 00:16:31,973
♪ ♪
494
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:33,708
- I don't have any other interests.
495
00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:38,030
Okay, what would you say
is my thing, besides soccer?
496
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:39,981
- That you're cool.
497
00:16:40,065 --> 00:16:42,735
- Mm-hmm.
- And you're pretty.
498
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,287
And you can kind of sing
karaoke, but not really.
499
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:46,755
- [laughing] Seriously, Canaan.
500
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,490
- I don't get what's going on.
501
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:51,377
- I guess I'm feeling... lost.
502
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:55,547
- Okay, well, what do you wanna
do with your life?
503
00:16:55,647 --> 00:16:58,133
- I don't know. What about you?
504
00:16:58,217 --> 00:17:00,435
- Well, I actually have
a very detailed ten-year plan
505
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,804
that will hopefully lead me
into starting my own hedge fund
506
00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:04,590
that focuses on impact investing.
507
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:05,807
So I'll basically be helping people
508
00:17:05,891 --> 00:17:07,175
while getting very, very rich.
509
00:17:07,259 --> 00:17:08,743
- That's exactly what I'm talking about.
510
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:10,779
I feel like I'm the only
person in college
511
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,848
who doesn't have their whole
life already figured out.
512
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:15,768
It kind of sucks.
513
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:19,104
- Well, I know
you're gonna figure it out,
514
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:22,324
because you're smart, and
whatever you put your mind to,
515
00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:24,326
you're gonna kill it.
516
00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:27,112
- Thank you.
- Unless it's water polo.
517
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,864
- I knew you were gonna do that.
518
00:17:29,948 --> 00:17:33,201
♪ ♪
519
00:17:33,285 --> 00:17:35,120
- Oh, my God, you guys.
520
00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,672
Okay, there is so much snow already.
521
00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:39,007
Are we sure this is safe?
522
00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:41,260
Like, do people get boob frostbite?
523
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,129
- I don't think so, but it's
definitely worth a Google.
524
00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:47,132
- Okay, so the snow run ends at Frat Row,
525
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,017
where all the frats will be
hosting big parties,
526
00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:50,385
and since Theta's out,
527
00:17:50,469 --> 00:17:52,287
I did some comprehensive
Instagram stalking
528
00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:54,139
to figure out the next best option,
529
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:56,191
and it is definitely Omega Pi.
530
00:17:56,275 --> 00:17:57,625
Their guys are for sure the hottest
531
00:17:57,709 --> 00:17:58,994
if anyone wants to check.
- Is that why
532
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,628
my printer is out of ink?
- It's 2022.
533
00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:02,330
Why do you even have a printer?
This is on you.
534
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:04,316
As I was saying, Omega Pi's hosting
535
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:05,951
a huge Winter Underland party.
536
00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:07,802
It is gonna be lit, and we're all going.
537
00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:10,905
- Not me. I have to stay home
and do some closed captioning.
538
00:18:10,989 --> 00:18:12,825
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
539
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,176
I think this is gonna be
my new normal for a while.
540
00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:17,996
- All right. We gotta go, ladies.
541
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,581
- Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.
Can I just say
542
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,483
that all three of us look
so fucking hot right now
543
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:23,852
and that this is gonna be one
of the best days of our lives!
544
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,086
[all scream]
545
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:26,672
Ah!
- Oh, my God!
546
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,424
Aah!
- Ah, my... ow, ow!
547
00:18:29,508 --> 00:18:30,976
Ah!
- Bela, Bela, stop, stop.
548
00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:33,094
- Get up! Get up!
- Ow, ow, ow.
549
00:18:33,178 --> 00:18:34,529
- [thick Australian accent]
Jessica has just made
550
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,431
the bloody agonizing decision
551
00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:37,932
to dump Braxton,
552
00:18:38,016 --> 00:18:40,686
and now she deals with the consequences.
553
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,604
- [incoherently] You know,
it's, like, a game, right?
554
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:45,023
But it's also, like,
finding love, you know?
555
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,409
- What the fuck is she saying?
556
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:49,027
- To dump Braxton,
557
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,997
and now she deals with the consequences.
558
00:18:52,097 --> 00:18:53,715
- [incoherently] You know,
it's, like, a game, right?
559
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:55,750
But it's also, like,
finding love, you know?
560
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:58,937
[people moaning]
561
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,550
[moaning continues]
562
00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:13,719
- God damn it.
563
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,403
[shouts] Can you please keep it down?
564
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:18,891
[moaning continues]
565
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,225
Shut up!
566
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:21,560
Assholes!
567
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:24,946
[moaning continues]
568
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:28,233
[all cheering]
569
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,869
- Everyone, drink up!
We run in two minutes!
570
00:19:30,969 --> 00:19:33,405
[all cheering]
571
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,290
- [laughs] My eyeballs are cold.
572
00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:36,324
- Yeah.
- Uh, same.
573
00:19:36,408 --> 00:19:37,492
- Hey!
- Oh!
574
00:19:37,576 --> 00:19:38,760
- You're here!
- Kimberly!
575
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:40,095
What... I thought you had to work.
576
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,763
- I don't think I can do that job.
577
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,065
Drunk Australian people
are so hard to understand,
578
00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:46,267
especially with our neighbor
having sex so loud.
579
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:48,303
- Well, you don't have to fix
all your problems tonight,
580
00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:50,556
but there is one thing you do have to do.
581
00:19:50,656 --> 00:19:51,940
- Exactly. Take off that coat.
582
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,508
Let me see those granny panties.
583
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:54,560
- Ah!
- Ah.
584
00:19:54,660 --> 00:19:56,261
- Oh!
- God damn,
585
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:59,114
underneath all those unstylish
clothes, you're, like, hot.
586
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,432
[laughs]
- Oh, hell yeah,
587
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,851
congrats on the underwear glow-up, girl.
588
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:04,486
- Everybody ready to run?
589
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:05,938
[all cheer]
590
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,856
Three, two, one,
591
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,775
strip and go!
592
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,025
[all clamoring]
593
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:13,528
- ♪ Let's get to it and work ♪
594
00:20:13,612 --> 00:20:15,830
♪ 'Cause I hope you work well
under pressure ♪
595
00:20:15,914 --> 00:20:17,249
♪ And you better work ♪
596
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:18,951
- Move, bitch! I'm fast!
597
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,702
[grunts]
- Ah!
598
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,203
- ♪ 'Cause I hope you work
well under pressure ♪
599
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:23,622
♪ ♪
600
00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:25,791
[upbeat music playing]
601
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,376
- Whoa.
602
00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:29,677
- [laughs]
- Ow!
603
00:20:29,761 --> 00:20:31,129
- [laughs] Hey.
- Yeah.
604
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,715
- Fuck Theta. Omega Pi is where it's at.
605
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:36,802
[indistinct chatter]
606
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:42,190
♪ ♪
607
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:43,958
- I have never seen this many hot,
608
00:20:44,042 --> 00:20:45,693
shirtless men in one place.
609
00:20:45,777 --> 00:20:47,646
- I know. I'm taking screenshots
610
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:49,364
but with my brain for later.
611
00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:52,167
- Same, except I also took
a couple pictures on my phone.
612
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,235
- Oh, see that pack
of cis daddies right there?
613
00:20:54,319 --> 00:20:56,137
I can see every single
one of their dick shapes.
614
00:20:56,221 --> 00:20:58,490
Homie on the right got
a big ol' toddler arm
615
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,058
in his boxer briefs.
616
00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:02,661
- Lila?
- Hmm?
617
00:21:02,761 --> 00:21:04,179
- Would you ever be interested
in writing a listicle
618
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:05,847
about dick shapes for my comedy magazine?
619
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,215
- Well, I don't know
what the fuck a listicle is,
620
00:21:07,299 --> 00:21:09,001
but hell yes, bitch, let's do it.
621
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,251
- [laughs]
622
00:21:10,335 --> 00:21:11,168
♪ ♪
623
00:21:21,847 --> 00:21:23,148
- Hey, I'm Sara.
624
00:21:23,248 --> 00:21:25,033
- Hey, I'm Kimberly. This is Leighton.
625
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,185
- Cool. You wanna dance?
626
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,737
- Um, I'm actually just dancing
with my friend right now.
627
00:21:29,821 --> 00:21:31,105
- Okay.
628
00:21:31,189 --> 00:21:32,774
- I was actually gonna go
to the bathroom,
629
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:34,793
so I'm gonna go do that.
630
00:21:36,762 --> 00:21:38,947
- So, uh, you want a shot?
631
00:21:39,031 --> 00:21:41,783
From the smell of it, I'd say
it's shockingly bad tequila.
632
00:21:41,867 --> 00:21:44,002
- Mm, horrible.
633
00:21:44,102 --> 00:21:45,119
Yeah, I'm down.
634
00:21:45,203 --> 00:21:47,288
- No, let me do it for you.
635
00:21:47,372 --> 00:21:49,608
Open your mouth.
636
00:21:52,177 --> 00:21:54,179
- Um, actually, I'm good. I'm good.
637
00:21:54,279 --> 00:21:56,264
Um, sorry, but I only drink top shelf.
638
00:21:56,348 --> 00:21:57,883
[chuckles]
- All right.
639
00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:00,385
- [clears throat] Thanks.
640
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:05,857
- ♪ I'm ready to go,
so tell me, are ya, are ya? ♪
641
00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:08,226
- Are my boobs poppin' out?
- No, you're good.
642
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,479
- I'm trying to make on-purpose
nip slips my signature move.
643
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:13,065
- Ooh.
644
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:15,483
Oh, that fucking climate refugee is here.
645
00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:18,403
- Holy shit.
Look at him holding that beer.
646
00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:19,654
Dude has Marvel arms.
647
00:22:19,738 --> 00:22:21,256
- Yeah. Yeah, now I kind of get
648
00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:23,375
why that girl was being so loud.
649
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,879
- Hi. It's Jackson, right?
- Yeah.
650
00:22:27,979 --> 00:22:30,164
- Well, I'm Kimberly.
My room is right next to yours.
651
00:22:30,248 --> 00:22:32,084
- Cool.
- It's actually not cool,
652
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,235
because you've been
at Essex for, like, three days,
653
00:22:34,319 --> 00:22:35,837
and you're already having the loudest,
654
00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:37,889
most performative sex in the world.
655
00:22:37,989 --> 00:22:40,108
For your information, some
of the people at this school
656
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:41,809
have some really important work to do,
657
00:22:41,893 --> 00:22:43,428
and that's hard when you're,
658
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:45,113
you know, grunting
your head off going like...
659
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:46,398
[mockingly grunting]
660
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:47,448
On the other side of some very,
661
00:22:47,532 --> 00:22:49,183
very, thin drywall, okay?
662
00:22:49,267 --> 00:22:50,769
- You done?
- Yeah, I think so.
663
00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:53,572
- Well, just so you know,
it actually kind of sucks
664
00:22:53,672 --> 00:22:55,273
sharing a wall with you too.
665
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,025
What the hell ass TV show
666
00:22:57,109 --> 00:22:59,111
have you been watching so loudly?
667
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:01,279
- It's called "Sex Paradise: Australia."
668
00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:02,830
I didn't know you could hear it.
669
00:23:02,914 --> 00:23:05,199
- Oh, I can.
670
00:23:05,283 --> 00:23:07,119
Let me see your phone.
671
00:23:08,186 --> 00:23:09,871
- I've already hit
my data cap for the month,
672
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:11,456
so don't go on YouTube.
673
00:23:11,556 --> 00:23:12,974
- Here. Now you have my number.
674
00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:14,709
Just shoot me a text
675
00:23:14,793 --> 00:23:17,193
if anything on my side
of the wall gets too loud.
676
00:23:18,864 --> 00:23:22,634
- Yeah!
- Ah, yes, bitch!
677
00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:29,207
♪ ♪
678
00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:32,144
- I don't know, man.
679
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:35,563
Thing is, she really doesn't
have anything besides soccer,
680
00:23:35,647 --> 00:23:37,732
so I didn't really know
what to say, you know?
681
00:23:37,816 --> 00:23:40,285
Boom! Let's go. That's mine.
682
00:23:40,385 --> 00:23:41,669
That's all me. Run it back, run it back.
683
00:23:41,753 --> 00:23:42,586
♪ ♪
684
00:23:50,662 --> 00:23:52,497
Hey. You good?
685
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:54,916
- Yeah. Course I am.
686
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,217
- [burps] both: Ooh!
687
00:23:56,301 --> 00:23:58,837
- Ah. I just threw up in a trophy.
688
00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:00,521
[shouts] Who wants another shot?
689
00:24:00,605 --> 00:24:02,557
- Hey, whoa, whoa, you are
way too wasted to be here.
690
00:24:02,641 --> 00:24:04,025
I think I gotta take you home.
- [retches]
691
00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:05,343
- No, no, no...
- [gags]
692
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,728
- I'm gonna text you later.
- Uh-huh.
693
00:24:06,812 --> 00:24:08,096
- Say goodbye, champ. It's time to go.
694
00:24:08,180 --> 00:24:09,197
Time to go.
- Ugh, it tastes like
695
00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:10,682
someone puked in my mouth!
696
00:24:10,782 --> 00:24:12,400
- Did you guys have fun tonight?
697
00:24:12,484 --> 00:24:14,769
- Yeah, we did! Thanks for asking!
698
00:24:14,853 --> 00:24:16,237
- Great,
699
00:24:16,321 --> 00:24:18,439
because it'll be the last
party you'll ever go to.
700
00:24:18,523 --> 00:24:20,508
- Dude, what is your problem?
- Seriously.
701
00:24:20,592 --> 00:24:22,677
Who died and made you
king of all the frats?
702
00:24:22,761 --> 00:24:23,929
You're a Theta.
703
00:24:25,597 --> 00:24:26,948
- These are the girls
I was telling you about,
704
00:24:27,032 --> 00:24:28,282
the ones who narced on us.
705
00:24:28,366 --> 00:24:29,701
You're a liability, bro.
706
00:24:29,801 --> 00:24:32,204
- A liability? More like like-ability.
707
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,888
We're a damn pleasure to have around.
708
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:35,223
Isn't that right? both: Mm-hmm.
709
00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:37,042
- Y'all need to get the fuck out.
710
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:38,626
[tense music]
711
00:24:38,710 --> 00:24:40,879
- Oh, my God.
- We're gonna die.
712
00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:42,797
- I'm getting nipple frostbite.
- Fuck.
713
00:24:42,881 --> 00:24:45,800
[laidback music]
714
00:24:45,884 --> 00:24:47,602
♪ ♪
715
00:24:47,686 --> 00:24:50,238
- Barring the fact that we got
banned from frats last night,
716
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:51,873
I still think we had a really fun time.
717
00:24:51,957 --> 00:24:54,226
- Kimberly got
climate refugee's phone number.
718
00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:55,894
- For emergencies.
719
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:58,744
- What about you, Leighton,
did you chat up any hotties?
720
00:24:59,898 --> 00:25:02,150
Fine. You're too classy to kiss and tell.
721
00:25:02,234 --> 00:25:03,368
I get it.
722
00:25:03,468 --> 00:25:06,371
[dramatic music]
723
00:25:06,471 --> 00:25:09,074
♪ ♪
724
00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:11,543
- Uh, actually, there is something
725
00:25:11,643 --> 00:25:13,795
that I've been meaning to tell you guys.
726
00:25:13,879 --> 00:25:17,382
♪ ♪
727
00:25:17,482 --> 00:25:18,917
I'm gay.
728
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,503
- Wow, Leighton, that's awesome.
729
00:25:22,587 --> 00:25:24,338
- Should we hug?
I feel like we should hug.
730
00:25:24,422 --> 00:25:26,140
- Uh, no, we don't...
we don't need to hug.
731
00:25:26,224 --> 00:25:29,261
- Oh, Leighton, that's so cool.
And I-I'm so shocked.
732
00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:30,745
I mean, I had no idea. I guess it's like
733
00:25:30,829 --> 00:25:32,246
my gaydar is way off or something.
734
00:25:32,330 --> 00:25:33,748
- Kimberly already knew, didn't she?
735
00:25:33,832 --> 00:25:34,649
- Uh-huh.
736
00:25:34,733 --> 00:25:36,818
[laughter]
- Mm.
737
00:25:36,902 --> 00:25:39,504
- She's been a really good
friend about it, though.
738
00:25:40,705 --> 00:25:42,440
She even tried to get me alone
739
00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:43,991
with a girl at the party last night.
740
00:25:44,075 --> 00:25:46,411
- Oh, my God, the girl
I saw you talking to.
741
00:25:46,511 --> 00:25:47,445
She was so hot.
742
00:25:47,546 --> 00:25:49,014
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
743
00:25:50,415 --> 00:25:54,001
Yeah, but then... then I, like,
freaked out and got weird,
744
00:25:54,085 --> 00:25:56,137
and she's probably not
interested anymore, so...
745
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:58,539
- No way. If you DM'd her right now,
746
00:25:58,623 --> 00:26:00,959
I promise you it would be back on.
747
00:26:01,059 --> 00:26:02,210
Slide into her DM.
748
00:26:02,294 --> 00:26:03,644
- Yeah, message her.
- Now, do it.
749
00:26:03,728 --> 00:26:05,797
both: [chanting] Slide in, slide in.
750
00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:07,515
- All right, fine. Fine, I'll do it.
751
00:26:07,599 --> 00:26:09,134
- [laughs]
752
00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:14,689
♪ ♪
753
00:26:14,773 --> 00:26:15,807
[message sent tone]
754
00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:17,976
♪ ♪
755
00:26:18,076 --> 00:26:19,110
- I said, "Hi."
756
00:26:19,210 --> 00:26:21,813
[all cheer]
757
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:23,397
- Yes!
758
00:26:23,481 --> 00:26:25,733
- ♪ We were ♪
759
00:26:25,817 --> 00:26:27,535
♪ Cosmical beings ♪
760
00:26:27,619 --> 00:26:29,821
[knocking]
761
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:31,205
- How are you in here?
762
00:26:31,289 --> 00:26:32,807
I literally had them change
the buzzer code.
763
00:26:32,891 --> 00:26:34,626
- I waited for someone to exit.
764
00:26:34,726 --> 00:26:35,743
- [sighs]
765
00:26:35,827 --> 00:26:37,662
- I just wanted to say thank you
766
00:26:37,762 --> 00:26:39,164
for your advice.
767
00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:40,548
I found another super funny writer
768
00:26:40,632 --> 00:26:41,849
who I think is gonna be great,
769
00:26:41,933 --> 00:26:44,002
so it really helped.
770
00:26:45,103 --> 00:26:48,473
- You came here at 7:45 just for that?
771
00:26:48,573 --> 00:26:50,008
- Yeah, just that.
772
00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,760
["I'm So Tired" by Deserta]
773
00:26:52,844 --> 00:26:54,262
♪ ♪
774
00:26:54,346 --> 00:26:57,515
- ♪ Giving up my western trouble ♪
775
00:26:57,616 --> 00:27:00,268
♪ ♪
776
00:27:00,352 --> 00:27:02,270
♪ Right now ♪
777
00:27:02,354 --> 00:27:08,159
♪ ♪
778
00:27:08,259 --> 00:27:12,079
♪ Tell me not to be so subtle ♪
779
00:27:12,163 --> 00:27:13,865
♪ ♪
780
00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:18,370
♪ Always want you to be near ♪
781
00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:21,589
♪ ♪
782
00:27:21,673 --> 00:27:25,760
♪ Guess you'll know why I'm so tired ♪
783
00:27:25,844 --> 00:27:28,629
♪ ♪
784
00:27:28,713 --> 00:27:31,850
♪ Too tired to be cool ♪
785
00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:35,553
♪ ♪
786
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:39,691
♪ Guess you'll know why I'm so tired ♪
787
00:27:39,791 --> 00:27:42,394
♪ ♪
788
00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:46,614
♪ I want you, I want you ♪
789
00:27:46,698 --> 00:27:49,901
♪ ♪
790
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:53,621
♪ Never thought I'd miss the struggle ♪
791
00:27:53,705 --> 00:27:55,907
♪ ♪
792
00:27:56,007 --> 00:27:57,959
♪ I don't ♪
793
00:27:58,043 --> 00:28:03,798
♪ ♪
794
00:28:03,882 --> 00:28:07,501
♪ Giving all the kids some trouble ♪
795
00:28:07,585 --> 00:28:09,503
♪ ♪
796
00:28:09,587 --> 00:28:13,591
♪ I just want you to be here ♪
797
00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:14,525
♪ ♪
798
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:23,435
- Go to bed.
58229
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