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1
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:12,760
# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
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# There is nothing we can do
3
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# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
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00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:23,640
# We just have to face it
This time we're through
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00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:26,360
# Knowing me, knowing you. #
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A-ha!
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APPLAUSE
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Welcome!
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Welcome!
10
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Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You,
with me, Alan Partridge.
11
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Tonight, I am a rocket.
12
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:58,680
Prepare to board Sputnik Partridge,
13
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and enter the stratosphere, or,
should I say, the CHATosphere!
14
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,320
Tonight's show is...
15
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Tss! ..hot!
16
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How hot?
17
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:16,480
Well, imagine Debbie Harry
in camiknickers,
18
00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:19,880
spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo
to Pan's People,
19
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:22,320
in a sauna, in Bangkok.
20
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That's half as hot
as tonight's show,
21
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:31,440
because among my guests I've got
the sexiest dance act in Europe,
22
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Hot Pants.
23
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And, for the first time
on an English-speaking chat show,
24
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a jacuzzi!
25
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APPLAUSE
It's time now to welcome
26
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my resident house band,
Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!
27
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THEY PLAY SIGNATURE TUNE
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glenn Ponder.
A-ha. A-ha.
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00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,680
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Ferrari! A-ha. A-ha.
30
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:08,960
Glenn, if this show was a train,
do you know what kind it'd be? No.
31
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The CHATtanooga Choo-choo!
32
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But seriously...
TRAIN WHISTLE
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What was that whistle noise?
34
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Meant to be the train, Alan.
35
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You didn't do that in rehearsal.
Meant to be a surprise.
36
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Surprise me in rehearsal, Glenn.
Don't surprise me
on a live television show.
37
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Little bit naughty, that.
38
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Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!
39
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Ooh, this show is hot.
40
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Can really work up a thirst.
41
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,600
My first guest is a singer.
42
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She's 41.
43
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24 years ago,
44
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she was working in a shoe shop
in Kansas City.
45
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A man came in and asked for a pair
of size eight green platform shoes.
46
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As she slipped them on him,
she sang to herself.
47
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He said, "I won't have these.
The bridge is too low."
Those were his actual words.
48
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"They don't fit, but your beautiful
voice fits your face like a slipper.
49
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"I'm going to make you a star."
50
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That man was Neil Sedaka.
51
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He's not doing so well, but she is.
52
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America's biggest sensation, except
Barbra Streisand and Liza Minnelli.
53
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Please welcome Gina Langland!
54
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# Thank you for the music
55
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# The songs I'm singing
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# Thanks for all the joy
I'm bringing
57
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:09,240
# Thank you for the music
For giving it to me. #
58
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:16,280
Oh, dear. Got an extra kiss
for free, there.
59
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Not that you normally charge.
60
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,120
Now...
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Now, Gina, you...
62
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..you can't stay long, cos you're
due on stage soon at Earl's Court
63
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for the closing night of your tour.
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It's been wonderful, Alec.
I had no idea I had so many fans.
65
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Why book Earl's Court? It's massive.
66
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Because it's just a wonderful venue.
It is.
67
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They do the Ideal Homes Exhibition.
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I, er...
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00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:55,640
I nearly opened it last year
but I was pipped at the post
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by Dave Lee Travis...again!
71
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,560
Now, Gina, we've got about four
minutes left. Less now, actually.
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It would be great
if you could stay a bit longer.
73
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,120
I'd love to stay for the whole show,
Alec, but I can't.
74
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:14,520
We don't actually want you to stay
for the WHOLE show.
75
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,040
We just want you to stay
a little bit longer.
76
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We HAVE got other guests.
77
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We've got Hot Pants.
Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!
78
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Now, there's a present I want to
give to you, right now.
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This is a new regular section of
the show called "Alan's Big Pocket".
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I put my hand into my big pocket
and I produce something
I think my guest will like.
81
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So will you now please bring on
Alan's Big Pocket!
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00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,360
APPLAUSE
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00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,840
Well, here it is, Alan's Big Pocket.
84
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And as you can see,
it's a top jacket pocket.
85
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Let's turn out Alan's Big Pocket
and see what's in it.
86
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It's two Victorian dogs!
87
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APPLAUSE
88
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This one's, er...
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00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,360
This is Sherlock Holmes.
That's Queen Victoria.
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Gina, when I was on the phone
to your manager in Los Angeles,
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he mentioned
that you collect Victorian dogs.
92
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Voila, courtesy of Alan Partridge.
93
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Victorian dolls.
94
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What? I collect Victorian dolls.
95
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Not Victorian dogs.
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Well, what ARE Victorian dogs?
97
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I've no idea.
98
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We thought they'd be
something like this.
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Listen, take them with you
in the car to Earl's Court.
100
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If you don't like them,
just let them out near the railway.
101
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I can't do that. OK, we'll do it.
102
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Get rid of the dogs.
Ladies and gentlemen, two dogs!
103
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APPLAUSE
104
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Sorry, Alec. Alan.
It was a lovely thought.
105
00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:19,480
Do you always do Alec's Big Pocket?
ALAN's Big Pocket.
106
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Do people stop you in the street and
say, "Hey, Alec..." Are you deaf?
107
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I'm sorry?
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Yes, people do stop me.
Do you know what I do?
109
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To save time - you'll like this -
I have this.
110
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It's a stamp
with my autograph on it. Ah!
111
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Basically, what I do,
they give me a card, like this,
112
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and I simply take the card,
and I stamp my signature on.
113
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See? I give them that.
That's my name. You read that.
114
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Alec Partridge.
115
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Read what it says. Alec Partridge.
116
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No, it says Alan. ALAN Partridge.
Why?
117
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Because that's my name!
118
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Oh, my God!
119
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I'm so sorry!
120
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,400
It's OK.
121
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,240
You must have thought
I was being so rude, Alec!
122
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Alan!
123
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Alan! Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan
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Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan.
125
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My name is Alan Partridge.
126
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That's who I am. There.
127
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Alan Partridge. There's no excuse.
128
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It's the wrong way up. Right. There.
129
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Fine.
130
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Can we sing the song now? Yes.
131
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Before Gina goes, I'd like
to ask her one more question.
132
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,360
Gina, do you like Abba? I love Abba.
133
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Would you do a medley with me now?
134
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I couldn't possibly.
135
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Oh, why not, for goodness' sake?
136
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Because...Alan...
137
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# I'm nothing special
138
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# In fact, I'm a bit of a bore... #
139
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,400
No, you're not.
140
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But if I tell a joke,
you've probably heard it before.
141
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I don't believe that. You have.
142
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# But I have a talent
143
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# A wonderful thing
144
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# Cos everyone listens
when I start to sing
145
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# I'm so grateful and proud
146
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,600
# All I want is to sing it out
147
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:33,320
# Lou-ou-ou-ou-ou-oud
148
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,200
# Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
149
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# Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
150
00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,200
# Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
151
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,800
# If you change your mind
152
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# I'm the first in line
153
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# Honey, I'm still free
154
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:50,720
# Take a chance on me
155
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# If you need me, let me know
156
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# Gonna be around
157
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# If you've got no place to go
158
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# And you're feeling down
159
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# Take a chance on me... #
160
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That's all I ask, honey!
161
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,480
# Take a chance on me...
162
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,280
# Chiquitita, you and I know
163
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# Can you see the stars, Fernando?
164
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# The winner takes it all
165
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# Mamma mia
166
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,520
# Here I go again
167
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:25,080
# I have a dream
168
00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,760
# Gimme, gimme, gimme
169
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:30,080
# A man after midnight
170
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:35,320
# Voulez-vous
171
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,360
A-ha!
172
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,080
# Take it now or leave it
A-ha!
173
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# Now is all we get
174
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A-ha!
175
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,680
# Nothing promised, no regrets
176
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Rub-a-dub-a!
177
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# Voulez-vous
A-ha!
178
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,200
# Ain't no big decision
A-ha!
179
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,240
# You know what to do
A-ha!
180
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:56,560
# I guessed you'll say voulez-vous
Rub-a-dub-a!
181
00:10:56,560 --> 00:11:01,640
# Voulez-vous...
182
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,320
# You can dance
183
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,720
# You can jive
184
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,840
# Having the time of your life
185
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:09,880
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
186
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,840
# See that girl
187
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,520
# Watch that scene
188
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,880
# Digging the
Dancing Queen
189
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,800
HIGH:
# Thank you for the music
190
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,160
# The songs you're singing
191
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:27,680
# Thanks for all
the joy you're bringing
192
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,200
# Who could live without it
193
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,600
# I ask in all honesty
194
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:36,040
# What would life be
195
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,520
# WITHOUT A SONG
OR A DANCE WHAT ARE WE?
196
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,480
# SO I SAY
197
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,600
DOWN AN OCTAVE:
# Thank you for the music
198
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:49,400
# For giving it to me
199
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,120
# Waterloo-oo-oo-oo-oo
200
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:57,440
# Knowing me, knowing youuuu...
201
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:02,520
# A-haaaaa... #
202
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:05,960
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
203
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:19,360
Aaah. Nice can of Spunt, there.
204
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,320
Now...
205
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,160
Schnell! Schnell! Achtung!
Sieg heil! Jawohl!
206
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:30,320
Those are just some of the comments
shouted at my next guest
207
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,720
at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
208
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:36,160
Why? Because she won gold
for Britain
209
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,760
in the 4 x 100m
women's hurdles relay.
210
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,400
She doesn't run any more - she's 78.
211
00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:46,920
Please welcome the Linford Christie
of great-grandmothers, Elsie Morgan!
212
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,080
APPLAUSE
213
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:52,120
# The winner takes it all
214
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:56,120
# The winner takes it all
215
00:12:56,120 --> 00:13:00,240
# The winner takes it all... #
216
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:05,000
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Elsie Morgan. A-ha.
217
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,360
No, you wait till I've said it.
218
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,040
A-ha. A-ha. That's right.
219
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:14,480
The 1936 Berlin Olympics.
220
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:18,160
What did it feel like
to run past the finishing line,
221
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,720
knowing you'd just beaten the
German and won gold for Britain?
222
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:27,000
Thrilling, because we'd stitched up
the Krauts. Lovely. Lovely.
223
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:31,760
Is it true things were better
in the olden days?
224
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,720
Immediately after the war
it was marvellous,
225
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:38,560
because we had
completely stitched up the Krauts.
226
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:45,880
But then, after that,
everything got very much worse,
227
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:52,360
and there was a lot of
immigration...and, inevitably,
crime went up.
228
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:56,800
Right, um... There must have been
some positive things.
229
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,760
I'll tell you a story. Please do.
230
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:05,600
I brought my car in last week and
parked it on one of those meters.
231
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,200
I went into Debenhams
and came out very quickly.
232
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:13,960
There was an awful man
writing me a parking ticket.
233
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,240
I said,
234
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:20,000
"Is it reasonable to give me
a parking ticket for two minutes?"
235
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:25,040
After a while he saw sense,
admitted it was a bit silly
and let me off.
236
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:32,000
Good for him.
But after I got home, I thought,
"That man let me break the law."
237
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,960
He shouldn't have done that. No.
238
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,880
So I rang his employers
and told them what happened.
239
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:50,160
Later on they rang me back
and I was delighted to hear
they'd dismissed him.
240
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:52,360
Good riddance!
241
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,960
Particularly as he was black. Er...
242
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,360
Right, um...
243
00:14:56,360 --> 00:15:00,800
Tell us about sport.
They don't play by our rules.
244
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,600
Right, shut up.
245
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:07,960
You can't say those things
on TV any more. Why not?
246
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,080
Shut it! ..Sorry.
247
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,720
Sorry. Sorry.
248
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,400
APPLAUSE
249
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,680
Now, Elsie.
250
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,320
I've got a surprise for you,
251
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:26,200
because it's time, once again,
to dip into Alan's Big Pocket!
252
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,920
And...it's a pocket full of emotion.
253
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:41,800
Tonight, we reunite Britain's
hurdling golden girls of 1936.
254
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,240
They haven't met for over 50 years.
255
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:49,240
Sadly, Lindsay Farrow is no longer
with us, but the other two are.
256
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,760
Please come out of my Big Pocket,
257
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:54,280
Anne Wylie and Georgina Clark!
258
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,680
APPLAUSE
259
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,160
Please, sit down.
260
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,200
Marvellous.
261
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:13,320
Let's talk about the race. 1936.
262
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,560
In those days,
how did you cope with the pressure?
263
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:20,200
I used to sing in the dressing room.
Yes! You did!
264
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:25,200
"We'll Gather Lilacs." Yes. Probably
a forgotten memory now. Oh, no!
265
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,360
# We'll gather lilacs
266
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,920
# In the spring again
267
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:37,240
# And walk together
down an English lane
268
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:42,960
# When you come home
once m-o-o-ore
269
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:48,520
# And in the evening
in the twilight glow
270
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:54,720
# I'll hold you close
and never let you go-o-o-o... #
271
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,920
Marvellous.
THEY ALL START TO SING
No...
272
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,160
All right. No. OK. Yeah.
273
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,720
# ..And walk together... #
274
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,880
Marvellous!
Give them a round of applause!
275
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,880
Marvellous! Lovely! Lovely! Great!
276
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:10,400
That was... That was lovely.
277
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:15,920
Well, at...this stage of the show,
some of my viewers may be thinking,
278
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,520
"Alan! You're a liar!"
279
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:23,120
You said this would be hot and
you're chatting to senior citizens.
280
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,160
But,
281
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:33,000
if I said I'll jump into a Tardis,
go back in time and recreate the
Berlin Olympics with the old women,
282
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,080
you'd say,
"That IS hot. We were wrong."
283
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,960
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
284
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:45,960
Ladies, will you now please join me
in my 1-6 scale
Berlin Olympic Stadium?
285
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:50,360
BAND PLAYS:
"Deutschland Uber Alles"
286
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:08,520
You join us live at the Berlin
Olympics on Grandstand in 1936,
287
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:12,400
on this pleasant summer's morning,
in Nazi Germany.
288
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,920
Everyone's here. Hitler's in a box.
289
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:19,080
Jesse Owens just waved at him.
He doesn't like that.
290
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:23,240
And we wait for the race to start.
I'll fire a gun.
291
00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:26,120
It's loud. Don't let it worry you.
292
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,240
On your marks, get set...
293
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,440
She's off!
294
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:34,520
It's Anne Wylie,
fast as a bullet from a Luger.
295
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,000
The first hurdle. She's cleared it!
296
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,920
She's clear, landing like a tom cat!
297
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,200
Off again,
298
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:47,840
and hands the baton to Lindsay
Farrow, sadly no longer with us.
299
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:52,160
She's represented
by a cardboard cutout.
300
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,040
It's a clean pass.
301
00:18:56,040 --> 00:19:00,080
Let's see what you're made of,
Georgie girl!
302
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,040
Kick that, love.
303
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,560
Oh, dear! The hurdle has fallen!
304
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,480
It's down to Elsie! Can she do it?
305
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,200
And she has! She's won the gold!
CHEERING
306
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,880
Ladies and gentlemen,
the hurdlers of '36!
307
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,680
APPLAUSE
308
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:31,480
I have an announcement to make.
309
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:36,400
Last week, I had naked sex
with the Home Secretary,
310
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,000
and I want to sell my story.
311
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,200
Of course I haven't!
312
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,240
But if I had, who would I go to?
313
00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,400
I'd go to my next guest,
314
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:53,720
because he is a high-profile agent
and publicist for celebrities
315
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,520
and, for want of a better word,
harlots.
316
00:19:56,520 --> 00:20:03,400
Please welcome the man Virginia
Bottomley called "that little turd",
317
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,040
Lawrence Knowles!
318
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,160
# Money, money, money
319
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,120
# Must be funny
320
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,640
# In a rich man's world
321
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,160
# Money, money, money
322
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,800
# Always sunny
323
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:24,880
# It's a rich man's world. #
324
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,520
Lawrence.
325
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,040
You are the man they love to hate.
326
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:33,000
I prefer to think
I'm the man they hate to love.
327
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,400
But you're not.
328
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:39,080
You're not.
You are the man they love to hate.
329
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:45,720
Well, that's very amusing, Alan,
and some of your audience
found it amusing, too.
330
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,120
But...
331
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:51,080
..there is a positive side
to what I do.
332
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:56,480
I often help various celebrities -
for example,
333
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,440
a celebrity who comes to me and
says,
334
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:02,840
"Lawrence,
I am a practising homosexual,
335
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:06,720
"and I want to keep
this delicate matter private."
336
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,600
Very wise.
LAUGHTER
337
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:13,880
I would then ensure
that this homosexual VIP
338
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:17,760
was seen in a heterosexual context.
Such as?
339
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,280
A pub.
340
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,640
A fast car. A football match.
Right.
341
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,600
You don't mean George Best?
342
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,040
LAUGHTER
343
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:37,320
No, George is as straight
as the passes he used to make
to Bobby Charlton.
344
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:41,600
Who, by the way,
is also not a homosexual.
345
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,880
Right.
346
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,480
But what if someone comes and says,
347
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:51,400
"Lawrence, I..." - how can
I put it - "I play for both sides."
348
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,760
"I play for...
349
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,560
"..Manchester United
and Manchester City."
350
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,320
"I'm Denis Law."
351
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,040
I don't understand.
352
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:07,200
I'm bisexual. YOU are?
No, Denis Law.
353
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,800
No, not Denis Law! No, God! No!
354
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:11,360
Sorry, Denis.
355
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:15,520
If you're watching,
let's go for a drink some time.
356
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,040
As friends.
357
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:21,920
Actually, no. Let's call it off.
I'll just go home to my wife.
358
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,560
I must say,
359
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:27,160
I'm looking forward
to seeing Hot Pants later.
360
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,400
Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!
361
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:37,600
Now, very recently you have been
involved in a massive royal scandal
362
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:41,440
in which you've obtained photographs
of the royal family
363
00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:46,360
taken from hidden cameras, and
you've published these in a book?
364
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:50,360
This book is in no way scandalous
or salacious.
365
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:52,440
The book, Her Majesty's Pleasure,
366
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:58,360
is being published
purely in the public interest.
367
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,880
You say that,
but this is outrageous.
368
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,040
To print a picture of the queen
flossing her teeth!
369
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:08,760
Believe me, Alan,
I obtained some photos
that were frankly unpublishable.
370
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,000
And are they in the book?
Yes they are.
371
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,480
OK. We've sat, we've listened to you
present yourself with eloquence,
372
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,720
as a defender
of the public interest.
373
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:26,480
But...ladies and gentlemen,
Lawrence has unwittingly stumbled
into a new section of my show -
374
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:29,000
called "Eat Your Own Medicine".
375
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,280
Lawrence,
376
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:34,880
for four weeks you've been
under surveillance by our snoopers.
377
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:39,520
This is what we discovered.
Show the clip.
378
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,400
'This is a disabled parking space.
379
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,760
'Who's this parking in it?
380
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:49,200
'It's a big Jaguar containing
able-bodied Lawrence Knowles.
381
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,800
'Quite a nice car, that.
382
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,320
'There. You get out of the car,
look round,
383
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,640
'little pick of the nose...
384
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,960
'It's a good 'un!
Pop it in the mouth.'
385
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:07,920
'Here you are again, emerging from
an anonymous-looking black door.
386
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,320
'Another treat for Lawrence Knowles.
387
00:24:11,320 --> 00:24:14,880
'You certainly keep your nose clean!
388
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,080
'What's going on behind the door?
I'll tell you.'
389
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:23,520
Dermatology. Come on, Alan,
this is pathetic. Ludicrous. Is it?
390
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:27,360
Is it as ludicrous
as a man with such a hairy back
391
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:33,000
that he visits a dermatologist
to have his unsightly,
innumerable hairs removed?
392
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:36,160
Bring on my Big Pocket now!
393
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,680
APPLAUSE
394
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:49,920
Ladies and gentlemen,
it requires 30 feet
of industrial waxing tape
395
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:53,360
to depilate Lawrence's back.
But don't take my word for it.
396
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,800
Let's hear it
from the back-waxer's mouth.
397
00:24:55,800 --> 00:25:02,080
Please come out, Lawrence Knowles's
dermatologist, Clive Sealey!
398
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,160
APPLAUSE
399
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,840
Clive!
400
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:15,120
Clive, just how hairy
401
00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:18,600
is Lawrence's back?
It's VERY hairy, Alan.
402
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:23,040
This is the amount of hair
on an averagely-haired back,
403
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,920
and this...
404
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:28,520
This is from the last session
with Lawrence.
405
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:33,240
It's enough to cover
12 small children.
406
00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:36,400
Now, the Knowles back
407
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:39,520
is surely his Achilles heel.
408
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:42,240
How deep are the scars?
409
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:46,680
During the sessions, he's told me
names he was called at school.
410
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,280
What are they?
411
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:50,160
Um... Wolfman...
412
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,920
..Monkey Boy, Godzilla, King Kong...
413
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,200
Human Carpet? Yes. Yes.
414
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,000
Gus the Gorilla... In the office,
415
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:03,920
we had a bit of fun and came up
with a list of potential nicknames.
416
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:05,760
Quickly -
417
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,760
Kiwi Fruit,
418
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:10,840
Moth Banquet -
quite an interesting one -
419
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,120
Furball XL5...
420
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:19,400
..Billy Furry - Billy Fury with
a new pronunciation, that's mine...
421
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:24,040
Brian Furry, that's another one
of mine, Brian Ferry,
422
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:27,400
and, of course, Hairy Krishna.
423
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,000
Marvellous.
424
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:32,800
Lawrence?
You'll be hearing from my solicitor.
425
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:36,480
Ooh - bit prickly.
Or should I say hairy?!
426
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:40,280
Lawrence Knowles and Clive Sealey.
427
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:43,480
APPLAUSE
428
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,160
Hi!
429
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:55,080
Hi! I'm in Alan's Big Pocket. Why?
430
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,120
I'm getting undressed.
431
00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:05,240
I'm doing it because Hot Pants
are about to raise the roof off
TV Centre with their lovely legs.
432
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:08,000
Then they'll join me in the jacuzzi.
433
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:13,440
Glenn, have you seen them? No,
but I'm looking forward to it! Tss!
434
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:17,520
Glenn, that is my noise!
Get your own sound!
435
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,480
Move the pocket!
436
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:24,880
Yes, I am in a jacuzzi,
sipping Spunt!
437
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:27,160
It's almost as if I'm in an advert.
438
00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:31,000
But of course, I'm not.
I'm not in an advert.
439
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,800
It remains for me
to thank my guests
440
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:38,320
and welcome on the four
gorgeous figures that fill...
441
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,560
Tss! ..Hot Pants!
442
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,800
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
443
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:02,120
They're men! They're men!
444
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:05,640
On that bombshell, good night! A-ha!
445
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:08,600
Spunt! Spunt!
33661
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