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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,821 --> 00:00:12,813 # Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha 2 00:00:12,981 --> 00:00:15,176 # There is nothing we can do 3 00:00:15,341 --> 00:00:18,378 # Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha 4 00:00:18,541 --> 00:00:23,331 # We just have to face it, this time we're through 5 00:00:24,621 --> 00:00:26,612 # Knowing me, knowing you # 6 00:00:26,781 --> 00:00:28,658 A-ha! 7 00:00:29,461 --> 00:00:31,691 (MUSIC AND APPLAUSE) 8 00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:41,374 # Knowing me, knowing you # 9 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:44,101 (APPLAUSE CONTINUES) 10 00:00:46,821 --> 00:00:50,211 Welcome. Welcome to ''Knowing Me, Knowing You'' 11 00:00:50,381 --> 00:00:53,930 with me, Alan Partridge, live from BBC Television Centre. 12 00:00:54,101 --> 00:00:56,854 You better believe it. There's a new chat in town. 13 00:00:57,021 --> 00:00:59,012 (DRUMBEAT) 14 00:00:59,221 --> 00:01:01,860 Tonight is a JFK kind of a night. 15 00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:07,049 Just as everyone remembers what they were doing when Kennedy was shot in the head, 16 00:01:07,221 --> 00:01:09,496 I like to think that one day 17 00:01:09,661 --> 00:01:13,734 people will remember what they were doing when I first said, ''A-ha!'' 18 00:01:14,781 --> 00:01:18,251 As tonight's motorcade of chat cruises through celebrity city, 19 00:01:18,421 --> 00:01:22,460 let's hope there isn't a sniper waiting to pick off my star guest. 20 00:01:22,621 --> 00:01:24,771 He arrived at Heathrow ten minutes ago 21 00:01:24,941 --> 00:01:28,616 and is being whisked to the studio in a black Vauxhall Carlton. 22 00:01:28,781 --> 00:01:32,899 He is none other than 007, James Bond, Roger Moore. 23 00:01:33,101 --> 00:01:35,092 (AUDIENCE) Wooh! 24 00:01:37,101 --> 00:01:41,458 I hope you like my set. It's modelled on the lobby of a top international hotel. 25 00:01:42,141 --> 00:01:46,134 And, for the first time ever on a chat show, a beautiful fountain. 26 00:01:46,781 --> 00:01:50,740 But first, up there in their musical mezzanine, 27 00:01:50,901 --> 00:01:55,736 let's get to know my resident house band, Glenn Ponder and Chalet! 28 00:01:57,181 --> 00:01:59,331 # Knowing me, knowing you # 29 00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:05,738 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder. 30 00:02:05,901 --> 00:02:07,380 - A-ha. - A-ha. 31 00:02:07,581 --> 00:02:10,141 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Chalet. A-ha. 32 00:02:10,301 --> 00:02:12,531 - A-ha. - Great to have you aboard. 33 00:02:12,741 --> 00:02:16,051 - Great to be here. We're really... - Just enjoy the show... 34 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,979 - Sorry? - Sorry? 35 00:02:18,701 --> 00:02:20,498 Glenn Ponder... 36 00:02:21,381 --> 00:02:23,372 Glenn Ponder and Chalet! 37 00:02:23,661 --> 00:02:25,697 And you. Have a good time. 38 00:02:26,461 --> 00:02:29,134 (APPLAUSE AND MUSIC) 39 00:02:34,741 --> 00:02:40,338 Well, it's time to meet my first guest now, after I've done her introduction...now. 40 00:02:40,981 --> 00:02:46,817 Now, Red Rum, Desert Orchid, Black Beauty, Shergar and Mr Ed. 41 00:02:46,981 --> 00:02:50,735 What have they got in common? They're all celebrity horses. 42 00:02:50,901 --> 00:02:54,940 My first guest is not a celebrity horse. She's a celebrity who rides a horse. 43 00:02:55,101 --> 00:02:57,092 Let's see her in action. 44 00:02:57,781 --> 00:03:00,090 (ALAN) G'dee, g'dee, g'dee... YesI YesI 45 00:03:00,261 --> 00:03:01,933 And a... Ye... YesI 46 00:03:02,141 --> 00:03:07,340 Take that horse back to the stable and give it a kissI 47 00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,495 There's no finer way to start my series 48 00:03:11,661 --> 00:03:13,936 than in the company of world-championship-winning 49 00:03:14,101 --> 00:03:16,661 lady showjumping horse legend Sue Lewis! 50 00:03:18,421 --> 00:03:20,776 (CHALET) # The winner takes it all 51 00:03:22,101 --> 00:03:25,059 # The winner takes it all 52 00:03:25,781 --> 00:03:28,090 # The winner takes it all # 53 00:03:31,981 --> 00:03:35,576 Got a quick whiff of your perfume there. That's nice. 54 00:03:37,821 --> 00:03:40,255 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Sue Lewis. A-ha. 55 00:03:40,461 --> 00:03:43,021 - A-ha. - Right. Now... 56 00:03:43,901 --> 00:03:46,256 Horses. Horses... 57 00:03:46,421 --> 00:03:50,812 People say a dog is like its owner. Is a horse like its rider? 58 00:03:51,821 --> 00:03:53,812 I don't know. 59 00:03:54,181 --> 00:03:56,695 Can you... Can you speak up a bit? 60 00:03:57,501 --> 00:04:01,414 - I don't know. - You don't think there's any resemblance? 61 00:04:02,061 --> 00:04:04,370 You don't think you look like a horse? 62 00:04:04,541 --> 00:04:07,897 - Well, I hope not. - Speak up. 63 00:04:08,941 --> 00:04:12,980 - I hope not. - Can we turn the fountain off, please? 64 00:04:13,861 --> 00:04:16,295 Sorry, Sue. Thank you. 65 00:04:16,501 --> 00:04:21,529 The idea was to represent a fountain of knowledge, to symbolise the show. 66 00:04:21,701 --> 00:04:23,692 Now... Now, Sue... 67 00:04:23,861 --> 00:04:27,979 - It looks lovely. - It is. Well, it cost two grand. 68 00:04:28,181 --> 00:04:33,335 That's what you'll see throughout the series, lots of money spent on expensive items. 69 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:38,661 Now, you won the hearts of the British public 70 00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:42,575 when last year you trotted off with the world championship. 71 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:47,451 - Yes. - How did that feel? 72 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,373 Oh... 73 00:04:49,541 --> 00:04:50,860 Great. 74 00:04:54,341 --> 00:04:56,138 R-Really? 75 00:04:58,261 --> 00:05:00,695 - Really great. - Right. Yeah. And... 76 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:06,100 - And was the horse aware of the excitement? - Oh, yes. 77 00:05:08,461 --> 00:05:11,373 What... Did you give him a treat afterwards? 78 00:05:11,581 --> 00:05:13,094 Yes. 79 00:05:13,941 --> 00:05:15,772 What? 80 00:05:16,541 --> 00:05:19,977 Did you go up and tickle his belly? 81 00:05:20,181 --> 00:05:24,777 No. Actually, that's a dangerous area. I'm thinking of that man with the dolphin. 82 00:05:24,981 --> 00:05:28,576 Now... Sue, let's move on to the anecdotes. 83 00:05:28,781 --> 00:05:30,772 Do the anecdote. Do it now. 84 00:05:30,981 --> 00:05:36,374 Well...all it was was that when you transport a horse to an event in a horsebox, 85 00:05:36,541 --> 00:05:41,456 you have to do it carefully, and it takes a lot of effort. 86 00:05:41,621 --> 00:05:44,181 The owner, Maxwell Henderson, was driving... 87 00:05:44,381 --> 00:05:47,054 Just get to the bit about the horsebox. 88 00:05:47,261 --> 00:05:50,014 We were driving up the motorway, and... 89 00:05:50,221 --> 00:05:55,420 She was driving up the motorway with this man... Sorry, I'm doing it for you. Please. 90 00:05:55,581 --> 00:05:59,256 Right. We were driving up the motorway, and Maxwell wanted a drink, 91 00:05:59,421 --> 00:06:01,457 so we stopped off at Newbury... 92 00:06:01,621 --> 00:06:03,418 Right. Can I just interrupt you? 93 00:06:03,581 --> 00:06:09,770 I've been told that Roger Moore has passed Heston services and should be with us soon. 94 00:06:09,941 --> 00:06:11,932 Sorry, Sue. Carry on. 95 00:06:14,781 --> 00:06:16,100 Um... 96 00:06:16,261 --> 00:06:18,616 I've forgotten where I was. 97 00:06:18,781 --> 00:06:22,740 - Where was I? - I've absolutely no idea. 98 00:06:22,941 --> 00:06:25,853 - That's not working. Go on... - I remember. 99 00:06:26,021 --> 00:06:29,297 - All right. Go back. - Right. We stopped in Newbury, 100 00:06:29,461 --> 00:06:34,854 so that Maxwell could get a cup of tea or something, and I wanted something to read... 101 00:06:35,021 --> 00:06:39,890 - So you bought a book. - And the point is, it was a small bookshop. 102 00:06:40,061 --> 00:06:43,053 - They were catering for a mass audience... - Be quicker. 103 00:06:43,221 --> 00:06:47,737 Right. So I bought a book, and when I was going back out... 104 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:52,219 That's not quick. She bought a book, and it was called ''Killing Horses''. 105 00:06:52,381 --> 00:06:56,897 The driver thought she was some sort of murderess. It was hilarious. 106 00:06:57,101 --> 00:06:59,695 It was hilarious. 107 00:06:59,861 --> 00:07:03,251 - It was the only book... - That's the end of the story. 108 00:07:03,421 --> 00:07:07,892 OK. Now, it says here ''Hawaii''. 109 00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:11,178 What happened in Hawaii? Exotic location. Give me spice. 110 00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:14,817 - I lost my luggage. - Oh, dear. What happened? 111 00:07:15,021 --> 00:07:19,139 - It turned up in Brasilia. - Disaster! What next? 112 00:07:19,341 --> 00:07:21,809 Well, it was fine. There was nothing missing. 113 00:07:22,501 --> 00:07:25,061 You see, that's no good. 114 00:07:25,261 --> 00:07:28,173 That's an incident. It's not an anecdote. 115 00:07:28,341 --> 00:07:31,219 You've got on your press release ''anecdotes''. That's dishonest. 116 00:07:31,421 --> 00:07:33,332 It's no good for a chat show. 117 00:07:33,501 --> 00:07:36,891 Just for future reference, otherwise you waste people's time. 118 00:07:37,701 --> 00:07:39,180 - Thanks. - Not to worry. 119 00:07:39,341 --> 00:07:45,257 We've got a surprise for you, in this regular feature of the series called ''Up Alan's Sleeve''. 120 00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:47,855 Well, Sue Lewis, this week, 121 00:07:48,061 --> 00:07:52,577 I have for you up my sleeve a horse and a jump. 122 00:07:52,781 --> 00:07:54,976 Bring on the horse and the jump! 123 00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,496 (APPLAUSE) 124 00:07:59,941 --> 00:08:03,251 We couldn't get your horse. It's just a horse. 125 00:08:03,461 --> 00:08:07,340 - Hello. - Now, isn't he a beauty? 126 00:08:07,501 --> 00:08:11,460 - She. - She... Yes, you're absolutely right. 127 00:08:11,901 --> 00:08:14,290 We've got the horse and the jump. 128 00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:19,694 I know I've sprung this on you, but will you rise to the challenge and jump the jump? 129 00:08:19,861 --> 00:08:21,499 No, I can't. 130 00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:24,534 - Should she jump the jump? - (AUDIENCE) Yes! 131 00:08:24,741 --> 00:08:29,531 - Will you jump the jump? - No, I really can't. It's a concrete floor. 132 00:08:29,701 --> 00:08:34,900 - A horse has delicate legs. - Can we tape some sponges to its hooves? 133 00:08:35,061 --> 00:08:38,849 No, it would break the horse's legs. It really can't be done. 134 00:08:40,541 --> 00:08:44,011 - ''Please don't break my legs.'' - Don't do that. 135 00:08:44,221 --> 00:08:48,339 All right. Get rid of the horse and the jump. 136 00:08:48,981 --> 00:08:51,370 (INAUDIBLE) 137 00:08:55,581 --> 00:08:57,776 (TENTATIVE APPLAUSE) 138 00:08:58,341 --> 00:09:00,332 That's your fault. 139 00:09:02,461 --> 00:09:07,251 - She was nervous... - You really ought to tidy that up. 140 00:09:08,261 --> 00:09:10,252 That could've been spectacular. 141 00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:16,331 We could've had a horse jump, now we've got a lump of dung. 142 00:09:18,181 --> 00:09:21,776 - I'm sorry. - Well, I've got nothing else to say. 143 00:09:21,941 --> 00:09:24,375 - No more questions? - No. 144 00:09:24,541 --> 00:09:28,090 - Have you got any? - Have you ever ridden a horse? 145 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:35,571 Yes, I have. I went pony-trekking... when I was a schoolboy in Cornwall. 146 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,060 Gosh. 147 00:09:37,221 --> 00:09:39,576 It's like one of your stories, that! 148 00:09:39,781 --> 00:09:42,341 Ladies and gentlemen, Sue Lewis. 149 00:09:42,501 --> 00:09:44,696 (APPLAUSE) 150 00:09:50,581 --> 00:09:53,141 Fame! I'm gonna live for ever. F... 151 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,610 Stay there, Sue. 152 00:09:57,141 --> 00:10:00,975 Fame! I'm gonna learn how to fly. Of course I'm not. 153 00:10:01,141 --> 00:10:06,056 But in... But in a sense, my next guest did. 154 00:10:06,221 --> 00:10:10,214 Two years ago, he was presenting ''The Loony Breakfast Show'' on Radio Leeds. 155 00:10:10,381 --> 00:10:14,215 Now he's topped the ratings as the new host of ''This Is Your Life''. 156 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,451 He's a trouper. I think he's super. 157 00:10:16,621 --> 00:10:20,978 Please welcome super trouper Keith Hunt! Where is he? 158 00:10:22,181 --> 00:10:25,491 (CHALET) # The Super Trouper lights are gonna find me 159 00:10:25,661 --> 00:10:28,937 # Shining like the sun 160 00:10:29,101 --> 00:10:32,491 # Smiling, having fun 161 00:10:32,661 --> 00:10:36,017 # Feeling like a number one # 162 00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:42,575 Oh, dear! Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Keith Hunt. A-ha. 163 00:10:42,781 --> 00:10:45,534 - A-ha. Am I right? - (AUDIENCE) You're not wrong! 164 00:10:45,741 --> 00:10:48,892 I don't believe it! You've got a catchphrase on already. 165 00:10:49,101 --> 00:10:52,218 I like to slip it in early, if you know what I mean. 166 00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:55,574 - You all right, Sue? - You're not wrong. 167 00:10:55,741 --> 00:10:57,857 She's a barrel of laughs. 168 00:10:58,621 --> 00:11:03,490 - Pity it's empty. Am I right? - (AUDIENCE) You're not wrong! 169 00:11:03,661 --> 00:11:07,734 - I'm only joking. - You really are not wrong. Um... 170 00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:11,530 Now, Keith. ''This Is Your Life'', 171 00:11:11,701 --> 00:11:14,261 that show is a British institution. 172 00:11:14,421 --> 00:11:16,730 You've taken it and you've revolutionised it. 173 00:11:16,901 --> 00:11:20,496 You now do it as a surprise party from the celebrity's home. 174 00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:22,896 Original idea. Where did you get it? 175 00:11:23,101 --> 00:11:25,092 - America. - Great. 176 00:11:25,301 --> 00:11:28,577 - Sue, you were on it recently. - Yes. 177 00:11:28,741 --> 00:11:31,938 - Was that fun? - It was interesting. 178 00:11:32,141 --> 00:11:36,851 We'll see for ourselves soon, but it certainly sounds like fun. 179 00:11:38,621 --> 00:11:40,737 Let's see the clip. 180 00:11:41,661 --> 00:11:44,778 (''THIS IS YOUR LIFE'' THEME) 181 00:11:46,021 --> 00:11:48,091 Shh! She's coming. 182 00:11:49,061 --> 00:11:52,497 Hold your horses! It's Sue Lewis! 183 00:11:52,661 --> 00:11:55,459 - Am I right? - You're not wrong! 184 00:11:55,621 --> 00:11:58,055 - Where's me book? - Hello! 185 00:11:58,221 --> 00:12:02,612 - He's big, he's red, he's a book. - (BOTH) He's Big Red Bookie! 186 00:12:03,781 --> 00:12:08,332 Hey up, Sue. This is your life! 187 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:16,656 (APPLAUSE) 188 00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:25,258 Oh, dear! Sue... Sue, how was that? 189 00:12:25,461 --> 00:12:28,100 Well, it was fun. I felt that... 190 00:12:28,261 --> 00:12:32,174 Rubbish! Crass! Putrefying cack! Drivel! 191 00:12:32,341 --> 00:12:36,095 That's what Melvyn Bragg said about your show. 192 00:12:36,261 --> 00:12:37,580 Why? 193 00:12:37,741 --> 00:12:42,132 Because he's frightened of me. Oh, yeah. 194 00:12:42,301 --> 00:12:45,577 I deliver four times as many viewers as him. 195 00:12:45,741 --> 00:12:48,653 He knows that if I presented ''The South Bank Show'', 196 00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:50,698 which I may do, I quite like art, 197 00:12:50,861 --> 00:12:56,458 then Melvyn Bragg would be stacking shelves in Tesco's first thing Monday morning. 198 00:12:56,621 --> 00:12:59,419 - Am I right? - (EVERYONE) You're not wrong! 199 00:12:59,581 --> 00:13:05,053 He shouldn't criticise. It's a British institution, as English as fish and chips. 200 00:13:05,221 --> 00:13:07,576 - Bangers and mash. - The Tower of London. 201 00:13:07,741 --> 00:13:12,053 - Sue, want to mention something British? - Um... Crufts? 202 00:13:14,021 --> 00:13:19,778 But, you know, I would dearly love my show to be a British institution. 203 00:13:19,941 --> 00:13:23,251 Well, you've got to change your theme tune, then. Abba? Swedish. 204 00:13:23,461 --> 00:13:27,090 Yeah... Well, that's a Swedish institution. You can't get more Swedish. 205 00:13:27,261 --> 00:13:31,573 - As Swedish as er...Ikea. - Volvo. 206 00:13:31,781 --> 00:13:34,295 Sue, do you want to mention Swedish? 207 00:13:34,461 --> 00:13:36,452 The vegetable swede. 208 00:13:36,661 --> 00:13:38,936 Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean... 209 00:13:39,141 --> 00:13:44,090 The Swedish don't have a bad life when you think about it. 210 00:13:44,261 --> 00:13:48,732 They get up, have a bowl of swede, hop in the Volvo, 211 00:13:48,901 --> 00:13:51,210 whack on some Abba and zip over to Ikea. 212 00:13:52,421 --> 00:13:54,616 I mean, that's my Sunday. 213 00:13:56,901 --> 00:13:58,892 Apart from the swede. 214 00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:03,257 Now, Keith... I have Kellogg's Common Sense. 215 00:14:03,421 --> 00:14:06,094 Now, Keith, what's the secret of your success? 216 00:14:07,061 --> 00:14:10,212 - I'm an ordinary bloke. - Right. Am I an ordinary bloke? 217 00:14:10,381 --> 00:14:12,975 - Dead ordinary. - Good. Good? 218 00:14:13,141 --> 00:14:16,451 Good. Every Saturday, I go to the footy with me kid. 219 00:14:16,661 --> 00:14:22,213 I go down the pub with me mates. First thing I do when I fly up to Leeds. 220 00:14:22,381 --> 00:14:27,216 I'm the same. I can often be found propping up the bar at the Pheasant Brasserie. 221 00:14:27,421 --> 00:14:32,620 Sunday lunch. Roast beef, Yorkshire pud, cup o' tea. Magic. 222 00:14:32,821 --> 00:14:36,814 I'm the same. Down the Harvester, Sunday platter, glass of wine. Cheers. 223 00:14:37,021 --> 00:14:39,057 We're ordinary. Ordinary, ordinary. 224 00:14:39,261 --> 00:14:42,139 But... The big ''but''... 225 00:14:42,301 --> 00:14:44,371 you do extraordinary things, 226 00:14:44,541 --> 00:14:49,661 - because I have Keith's local paper here... - Hey, what's going on? 227 00:14:49,821 --> 00:14:53,052 - ..which has a little story... - No, no. Don't embarrass me. 228 00:14:53,221 --> 00:14:56,531 - I'm not here to talk about meself... - Come on. Shh! 229 00:14:56,701 --> 00:15:00,091 It's a story about Keith. Do you want to tell it? 230 00:15:00,261 --> 00:15:02,456 - All right. - Listen to this. 231 00:15:02,661 --> 00:15:06,893 The headmaster of the local school knocks on me door last week. 232 00:15:07,061 --> 00:15:14,649 He says, ''Keith, we're having a raffle to raise money for a minibus. Will you host it?'' 233 00:15:14,821 --> 00:15:17,574 I said, ''How much does this minibus cost?'' 234 00:15:17,741 --> 00:15:20,050 He says, ''18 grand.'' I said... 235 00:15:20,221 --> 00:15:23,019 Sorry. If I could just stop you there. 236 00:15:23,221 --> 00:15:27,009 I've just been told that Roger Moore is at Chiswick Roundabout. 237 00:15:27,181 --> 00:15:31,333 He should be with us very soon. Stay tuned. Keith. 238 00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:33,139 He said, ''18 grand.'' 239 00:15:33,301 --> 00:15:40,457 I said, ''Here's 20. Buy the kids a minibus and take 'em to Alton Towers.'' 240 00:15:40,621 --> 00:15:44,409 - What a nice man. - You've got to put a bit back. 241 00:15:44,581 --> 00:15:47,379 - And it's tax-deductible. - Yeah. 242 00:15:47,541 --> 00:15:49,736 I'm thinking along the same lines. 243 00:15:49,901 --> 00:15:53,974 I'm thinking of Alan Partridge's Espace for the elderly. 244 00:15:54,181 --> 00:15:56,172 - Go for it. - Well, I will. 245 00:15:56,381 --> 00:16:00,090 Now, Keith, you like surprises. You... 246 00:16:00,261 --> 00:16:03,094 By the way, thanks for bringing that paper in. 247 00:16:04,541 --> 00:16:06,736 And... And... 248 00:16:06,941 --> 00:16:09,694 (APPLAUSE) 249 00:16:11,661 --> 00:16:17,497 Well done. You like surprises, and we have now got a surprise for you, 250 00:16:17,661 --> 00:16:21,097 because it's time once again to go ''Up Alan's Sleeve''. 251 00:16:21,261 --> 00:16:25,413 Earlier, I had a horse up my sleeve, and a jump, for Sue. 252 00:16:25,581 --> 00:16:29,051 ''Well,'' people are asking, ''what's up your other sleeve?'' 253 00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:33,692 - Well, I've got a child up my sleeve. - What's going on? 254 00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:36,176 It's a child you know very well. 255 00:16:36,341 --> 00:16:41,654 - He's here tonight, your own son, Sam Hunt! - I don't believe this. 256 00:16:41,821 --> 00:16:44,574 (APPLAUSE) 257 00:16:46,821 --> 00:16:48,812 Now, Keith... Keith... 258 00:16:48,981 --> 00:16:51,211 - All right, Sam? - All right, Sam? 259 00:16:51,381 --> 00:16:55,499 Sam is your only son from your marriage, which was dissolved. 260 00:16:55,661 --> 00:16:59,779 Because of custody laws, you can only see him once a fortnight, 261 00:16:59,941 --> 00:17:03,490 so you're not allowed contact tonight, but I can speak to him. 262 00:17:03,661 --> 00:17:07,415 So you wait here while I go and talk to Sam Hunt. 263 00:17:07,581 --> 00:17:10,095 (APPLAUSE) 264 00:17:10,261 --> 00:17:13,492 - Hello, you little terror. - Hi, Sam. It's Dad. 265 00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:18,297 I believe, Keith, you've got something very special to say to Sam today. 266 00:17:18,461 --> 00:17:23,216 Looking forward to next weekend, Sam. We'll have a fun day out at the footy. 267 00:17:23,381 --> 00:17:26,134 No, isn't there something else you want to say? 268 00:17:27,221 --> 00:17:29,212 See your dad on the telly last week? 269 00:17:29,421 --> 00:17:31,935 No. Sam, do you want to tell your daddy? 270 00:17:32,141 --> 00:17:36,373 - It's my birthday. - It's your son's birthday! 271 00:17:36,541 --> 00:17:40,375 - Yes! Happy birthday, Sam. - What have you got for him? 272 00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:46,534 No, Keith. Stay there! You know the law! 273 00:17:47,141 --> 00:17:49,894 There you go. Your daddy's got you ten pounds. 274 00:17:50,101 --> 00:17:53,491 But don't despair, because we've got you a present. 275 00:17:53,661 --> 00:17:58,610 We've got you an Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack. 276 00:17:58,821 --> 00:18:01,858 There we go. You take that. 277 00:18:02,021 --> 00:18:07,049 And not only that, we've got him an all-expenses-paid trip to Disneyland 278 00:18:07,221 --> 00:18:09,451 with Mummy and her partner this weekend. 279 00:18:09,661 --> 00:18:11,253 No, no, no! 280 00:18:11,421 --> 00:18:13,252 No, no, no! 281 00:18:14,341 --> 00:18:16,901 I've got custody this weekend. She knows that. 282 00:18:17,101 --> 00:18:19,092 - It's arranged. - I've got custody. 283 00:18:19,261 --> 00:18:21,900 - She knows it! - Let's ask Sam. Where are you going? 284 00:18:22,061 --> 00:18:25,656 - Disneyland. - Of course you are, you little terror! 285 00:18:25,821 --> 00:18:29,177 Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Hunt. That way! That way! 286 00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,332 (CHALET) # Happy birthday to you 287 00:18:31,541 --> 00:18:34,009 # Happy birthday to you 288 00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,741 # Happy birthday, dear Sammy 289 00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:39,938 # Happy birthday to you # 290 00:18:40,101 --> 00:18:44,174 Great. Marvellous. Funny feeling that backfired a bit. 291 00:18:45,741 --> 00:18:48,414 You should have checked it out with me first. 292 00:18:48,621 --> 00:18:51,055 I didn't realise you'd forget your son's birthday. 293 00:18:51,221 --> 00:18:53,212 Leave it. 294 00:18:55,021 --> 00:18:58,536 Oh, dear. I've blown my chances of being on ''This Is Your Life''. 295 00:18:58,741 --> 00:19:03,212 Oh, no. We couldn't have you on the show. We only have celebrities. 296 00:19:03,581 --> 00:19:05,970 (AUDIENCE) Ooh! 297 00:19:08,541 --> 00:19:11,419 - Sue, have you got any children? - No, I haven't. 298 00:19:11,581 --> 00:19:16,609 I have. Fernando, he's at Cambridge, and Denise. 299 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,853 Yes, Denise's birthday is on 27th May, 300 00:19:20,021 --> 00:19:24,890 and Fernando's is on 6th June, so quite close together. 301 00:19:25,061 --> 00:19:30,260 We usually have a big family bash. All the family together. Solid as a rock. 302 00:19:32,221 --> 00:19:34,894 - Do horses have birthdays? - Yes, they do. 303 00:19:35,061 --> 00:19:37,052 - Do you get them presents? - Sometimes. 304 00:19:37,261 --> 00:19:41,174 Really? Even horses? Even horses. 305 00:19:46,261 --> 00:19:49,378 He looks like a lovely boy. How old is he? 306 00:19:49,541 --> 00:19:52,374 - Five. - Six. Six today. 307 00:19:52,741 --> 00:19:55,096 Am I right? I'm not wrong. 308 00:19:59,661 --> 00:20:02,129 You do realise you're the only person 309 00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:05,373 who still thinks Roger Moore's going to turn up? 310 00:20:05,581 --> 00:20:07,776 - He'll be here. - Where is he now? 311 00:20:07,941 --> 00:20:09,374 Chiswick Roundabout. 312 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:13,056 - From there to TV Centre in ten minutes? - Yes. 313 00:20:13,261 --> 00:20:15,900 - How? By magic carpet? - If need be. 314 00:20:16,061 --> 00:20:19,019 Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Hunt. 315 00:20:19,181 --> 00:20:21,854 (APPLAUSE) 316 00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:26,298 Now... 317 00:20:28,381 --> 00:20:32,340 Could... Could someone clear that shit away, please? 318 00:20:33,461 --> 00:20:36,817 It's just that I can see... It's in my picture. 319 00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:45,130 People may associate it with me. I don't... 320 00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:48,980 Time for my next guests. 321 00:20:50,421 --> 00:20:55,290 If music be the food of love, play on. That's what William Shakespeare said. 322 00:20:55,461 --> 00:21:00,535 I'm not William Shakespeare, but I say pretty much the same thing. 323 00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:03,659 If music be the food of love, let's eat it. 324 00:21:03,821 --> 00:21:08,576 Here with her new single ''Monday Morning''... I know the feeling... 325 00:21:08,741 --> 00:21:10,971 please welcome Shona McGough. 326 00:21:11,181 --> 00:21:13,741 (APPLAUSE) 327 00:21:20,341 --> 00:21:23,936 # Monday morning at quarter to eight 328 00:21:24,101 --> 00:21:29,175 # She gives her husband his cornflakes, he mustn't be late 329 00:21:29,341 --> 00:21:33,016 # She vacuums the carpets, makes everything clean 330 00:21:33,181 --> 00:21:39,051 # Everything clean # What would she do without Mr Sheen? 331 00:21:43,461 --> 00:21:47,932 # She takes a shotgun from under the stairs 332 00:21:48,101 --> 00:21:50,376 # And stands in the hallway 333 00:21:50,541 --> 00:21:52,930 # Screaming her pra-a-a-ayers! 334 00:21:54,061 --> 00:21:57,133 (HOWL OF FEEDBACK) 335 00:21:57,301 --> 00:22:01,852 # The gasman comes to read the meter 336 00:22:02,021 --> 00:22:06,572 # He writes down the reading, scratching his head 337 00:22:06,741 --> 00:22:10,734 # It's quarter to four and now the gasman's... 338 00:22:10,901 --> 00:22:13,335 # Dead! # Bloodbath! 339 00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:15,532 # Bloodbath! 340 00:22:15,741 --> 00:22:20,371 # The postman arrives, she says, ''Hello, Ray'' 341 00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:25,296 # And smiles politely as she blows him away 342 00:22:25,461 --> 00:22:27,531 # Bloodbath! 343 00:22:27,701 --> 00:22:29,612 # Bloodbath! 344 00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:31,931 # She's stalking the streets 345 00:22:32,101 --> 00:22:34,456 # Her brain's on fire 346 00:22:34,621 --> 00:22:39,172 # She guns down 20 in Visionhire 347 00:22:39,341 --> 00:22:43,459 # Bloodbath! Bloodbath! 348 00:22:43,661 --> 00:22:45,697 # Her hubby comes home 349 00:22:45,861 --> 00:22:48,091 # And he gives her a kiss 350 00:22:48,261 --> 00:22:51,059 # She put the gun in his mouth and says 351 00:22:51,261 --> 00:22:52,899 # ''Suck on this!'' 352 00:22:53,301 --> 00:22:57,738 # Bloodbath! Bloodbath! 353 00:22:57,941 --> 00:23:02,537 # Bloodbath! Bloodbath! # Blood! Blood! 354 00:23:02,701 --> 00:23:05,852 # Bloodbath! Bloodbath! Bloodbath! 355 00:23:06,021 --> 00:23:08,581 # Bloodbath! Bloodbath! Bloodbath! 356 00:23:08,741 --> 00:23:10,811 # Oooooow! 357 00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:14,093 # Suck on this! # 358 00:23:16,861 --> 00:23:19,170 (APPLAUSE) 359 00:23:20,381 --> 00:23:22,690 No, no, no, no. 360 00:23:23,261 --> 00:23:25,570 No. No. 361 00:23:26,501 --> 00:23:28,935 No. Ladies... 362 00:23:29,141 --> 00:23:32,656 Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise. 363 00:23:32,821 --> 00:23:35,938 I had no idea of the full content of that song. 364 00:23:36,101 --> 00:23:39,776 If any young people are watching, let me say this. 365 00:23:39,941 --> 00:23:43,695 Whilst it's all well and good for a rock band to sing about it, 366 00:23:43,861 --> 00:23:49,174 murder, domestic or street-bound genocide, is illegal in this country. 367 00:23:49,341 --> 00:23:52,378 - What was that? - It was a song. 368 00:23:52,541 --> 00:23:57,979 But it started off so well. You whipped the skirt off, very like Bucks Fizz. 369 00:23:58,181 --> 00:24:03,699 And then... Do you mind standing here as you were told? Please. Come back. 370 00:24:03,861 --> 00:24:07,456 Well... Shona McGough's single is in the shops 371 00:24:07,621 --> 00:24:09,896 if you want to annoy your neighbours. 372 00:24:10,061 --> 00:24:11,574 Um... Yes, right. 373 00:24:11,741 --> 00:24:16,940 I've just been told Roger Moore is at Chiswick Roundabout, so he's... 374 00:24:17,101 --> 00:24:19,934 What's he still doing there? He shouldn't be there. 375 00:24:20,141 --> 00:24:23,292 I'll fill in with chat with Shona McGough. 376 00:24:23,501 --> 00:24:26,220 She's beaten me to it. Oh, dear. Um... 377 00:24:26,701 --> 00:24:30,011 I... I need a chair, unfortunately. 378 00:24:30,181 --> 00:24:32,934 Don't do that, please. 379 00:24:33,141 --> 00:24:36,531 Sue. Sue Lewis. Sorry, I need your chair. Come on. 380 00:24:36,821 --> 00:24:38,493 (BAND BOOS) 381 00:24:38,661 --> 00:24:40,891 Just sit round there. 382 00:24:41,741 --> 00:24:45,450 Well, if you've just tuned in, you're watching ''Knowing me, Knowing You''. 383 00:24:45,621 --> 00:24:50,297 It's not quite what we planned. It's a bit crazy, but what the heck? 384 00:24:50,461 --> 00:24:54,852 Say what you like, but you can't say it's not interesting. Please don't say that. 385 00:24:55,021 --> 00:24:58,218 Don't do that. Get off. Stop it! Please. 386 00:24:58,381 --> 00:25:03,819 Um... This is interesting. A lady drummer. Close your eyes, could've been a man. 387 00:25:04,021 --> 00:25:06,376 - Very good. - Thanks a lot. 388 00:25:06,581 --> 00:25:09,141 - I really fancy you, you know? - What? 389 00:25:09,301 --> 00:25:11,815 - I think you're really sexy. - Really? 390 00:25:11,981 --> 00:25:13,300 No. 391 00:25:15,301 --> 00:25:20,580 Shona, put those pears back, please. I'd rather you didn't mess with those pears. 392 00:25:20,781 --> 00:25:24,091 Please. Really. Honestly, I really would rather... 393 00:25:24,301 --> 00:25:27,850 Oh, what the heck? Rock and roll! Let's all have a pear! 394 00:25:29,701 --> 00:25:33,250 All right, a question I've always wanted to ask a Scottish woman. 395 00:25:33,421 --> 00:25:35,412 What's under a Scotsman's kilt? 396 00:25:35,621 --> 00:25:40,331 - His penis. - Oh, for God's... I know what you think. 397 00:25:40,501 --> 00:25:45,450 You all think I'm a big square. Let me tell you, I've seen it all before. 398 00:25:45,621 --> 00:25:50,570 I've inhaled hashish. I've worn tall shoes. I've had an afro haircut. 399 00:25:50,781 --> 00:25:54,979 I went on all-weekend binges to see Wings. 400 00:25:56,141 --> 00:26:01,420 I'll tell you something else. Chris de Burgh and the Eagles could eat you for breakfast. 401 00:26:02,821 --> 00:26:06,450 - You're quiet. - Just enjoying the show, mate. 402 00:26:10,501 --> 00:26:15,575 Let's move on the next section of the show, ''An Audience With Roger Moore''. 403 00:26:15,781 --> 00:26:20,696 To help me with that, I'm going to invite Shona, Sue and Keith, not the band, 404 00:26:20,861 --> 00:26:26,379 to join me in the Roger Moore room for ''An Audience With Roger Moore''. 405 00:26:26,541 --> 00:26:29,339 (BOND-STYLE MUSIC AND APPLAUSE) 406 00:26:39,941 --> 00:26:43,331 Here we are in the Roger Moore room. 407 00:26:43,501 --> 00:26:48,256 The idea was that Roger could come in here and sit where Sue's sitting 408 00:26:48,421 --> 00:26:50,412 and chat about all these things. 409 00:26:50,581 --> 00:26:54,415 I'm surrounded by memorabilia from Roger's glittering career in films and television. 410 00:26:54,581 --> 00:26:58,210 There's a little James Bond car. The man flies out. That's nice. 411 00:26:58,381 --> 00:27:02,772 There's a golden gun. That's from ''The Man With The Golden Gun''. 412 00:27:02,941 --> 00:27:08,174 The gold ingot there from the film ''Gold'', in which he co-starred with Susannah York. 413 00:27:08,341 --> 00:27:13,495 There's a ''Saint'' annual there. I was going to get Roger to read aloud from that 414 00:27:13,661 --> 00:27:16,334 with his lovely warm, brown voice. 415 00:27:16,541 --> 00:27:21,251 Jog my memory. In which film does it feature three ducks on the wall? 416 00:27:21,461 --> 00:27:25,249 Ah. They are not ducks, they are wild geese, 417 00:27:25,421 --> 00:27:32,133 from the film ''The Wild Geese'' with Roger Moore playing the cigar-chomping mercenary. 418 00:27:32,301 --> 00:27:34,496 - Oh, yes. - Sorry? 419 00:27:34,661 --> 00:27:36,891 - Oh, yes. - Oh, yes. Yes. 420 00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:41,899 Right. This was the show opening. This was going to be marvellous. 421 00:27:42,061 --> 00:27:44,052 There we go. Curtains, curtains. 422 00:27:45,861 --> 00:27:50,571 Roger Moore! Roger Moore, the quintessential English gentleman. 423 00:27:50,781 --> 00:27:52,499 Who's not here. 424 00:27:52,701 --> 00:27:56,057 Now, I was going to start... Roger would have loved this. 425 00:27:56,221 --> 00:27:58,735 I was going to do this. This is fantastic... 426 00:27:58,941 --> 00:28:01,580 A-ha! Mr Bond! 427 00:28:02,861 --> 00:28:04,852 I've been expecting you. 428 00:28:05,661 --> 00:28:09,176 Which I had. Would have been fantastic. 429 00:28:09,381 --> 00:28:12,259 - What's that? - That's a nipple. Now... 430 00:28:12,461 --> 00:28:14,053 - What? - A nipple. 431 00:28:14,261 --> 00:28:20,131 From ''The Man With The Golden Gun''. It's a third nipple. Scaramanga had three nipples. 432 00:28:20,301 --> 00:28:23,134 - That's a gold finger. - Sean Connery was ''Goldfinger''. 433 00:28:23,301 --> 00:28:26,338 Well done. That was a trick object. Well done. 434 00:28:26,501 --> 00:28:28,776 Sean Connery was a better Bond, anyway. 435 00:28:28,941 --> 00:28:32,980 Well, interesting you take that position, the Scottish position. 436 00:28:33,141 --> 00:28:38,374 In the whole Roger versus Sean debate that's been raging for 20 years, 437 00:28:38,581 --> 00:28:42,051 I have to say I'm firmly in the Roger camp. 438 00:28:42,261 --> 00:28:47,619 I believe no one could wear a safari suit with the same degree of casuality. 439 00:28:47,821 --> 00:28:52,133 It's a shambles! You're putting a brave face on it, but he's not here. 440 00:28:52,341 --> 00:28:55,890 - You tell the viewers... - Keith Hunt, let me stop you... 441 00:28:56,061 --> 00:29:00,452 Let me stop you in your tracks. You can eat your hat now, 442 00:29:00,621 --> 00:29:05,775 because I can confirm Roger Moore is on the show right now. 443 00:29:05,981 --> 00:29:09,371 - Where is he? - Live by telephone link-up 444 00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:12,141 from the car on a mobile phone. 445 00:29:12,301 --> 00:29:14,940 Hello, Roger. Hello, Roger. 446 00:29:15,101 --> 00:29:17,171 - (CRACKLY) Hello, Alan. - Oh, joy! 447 00:29:17,341 --> 00:29:18,660 Roger Moore! 448 00:29:18,821 --> 00:29:20,174 Oh! Um... 449 00:29:20,341 --> 00:29:24,653 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Roger Moore. A-ha. 450 00:29:24,821 --> 00:29:29,099 Roger? No? Listen, I'm going to cut straight to a key question. 451 00:29:29,301 --> 00:29:34,170 A hypothetical fist fight takes place between Simon Templar, the Saint, 452 00:29:34,341 --> 00:29:36,775 and Roger Moore, James Bond, 007. 453 00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:39,660 - Who wins? - (RADIO STATIC) 454 00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:42,580 Any thoughts on that, Roger? 455 00:29:43,821 --> 00:29:45,140 Roger? 456 00:29:47,261 --> 00:29:49,092 Roger? 457 00:29:50,981 --> 00:29:52,812 Roger! 458 00:29:53,781 --> 00:29:55,772 Roger! 459 00:29:59,421 --> 00:30:02,458 Does the word ''Titanic'' mean anything to you? 460 00:30:03,381 --> 00:30:07,340 Oh, yeah. People go on... Let me tell you something about the Titanic. 461 00:30:07,501 --> 00:30:11,210 People forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage 462 00:30:11,421 --> 00:30:17,132 there were over 1,000 miles of uneventful cruising before it hit the iceberg. 463 00:30:19,581 --> 00:30:22,334 - Anyway, we had him on the show. - That doesn't count! 464 00:30:22,541 --> 00:30:25,260 Face it, mate, he's Roger the Dodger. 465 00:30:25,461 --> 00:30:28,100 - Am I right? - (AUDIENCE) You're not wrong! 466 00:30:28,941 --> 00:30:33,890 All right. Point taken. We can still rescue it. Let's turn the situation around. 467 00:30:34,061 --> 00:30:38,498 Let's call this ''Right To Reply''. If you've got criticisms, let me hear them. 468 00:30:38,701 --> 00:30:42,057 Criticisms? A horse takes a dump on your show! 469 00:30:42,221 --> 00:30:45,657 No manners, but what a critic. You know... 470 00:30:47,181 --> 00:30:52,096 - You get a jump. She won't jump it. - No, I really couldn't do it. 471 00:30:52,301 --> 00:30:55,976 - You were right, love. - You get us on. You've never heard of us. 472 00:30:56,141 --> 00:31:00,532 You slag us off. We're vegetarians. We get ham sandwiches. 473 00:31:00,741 --> 00:31:04,416 You get me own kid on. That is well out of order. 474 00:31:04,581 --> 00:31:06,572 When the Director General of the BBC... 475 00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:09,056 Up yours! 476 00:31:09,221 --> 00:31:11,416 Up yours! 477 00:31:12,021 --> 00:31:14,455 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 478 00:31:17,821 --> 00:31:20,494 - You can't say that. - Kiss my arse! 479 00:31:28,181 --> 00:31:30,331 And on that bombshell, 480 00:31:30,501 --> 00:31:33,538 it's time for me to say knowing me, Alan Partridge, 481 00:31:33,701 --> 00:31:36,693 knowing you, Scotch lady...woman, 482 00:31:36,861 --> 00:31:40,934 knowing you, the Hunt, and knowing you, Mrs Mouse. 483 00:31:41,141 --> 00:31:43,780 And I've...I've just been told 484 00:31:43,941 --> 00:31:48,139 Roger Moore has just checked into Claridge's and ordered room service. 485 00:31:48,301 --> 00:31:49,780 A-ha! 486 00:32:18,101 --> 00:32:20,490 # Knowing me, knowing you # 40537

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