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# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
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# There is nothing we can do
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# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
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# We just have to face it, this time we're through
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# Knowing me, knowing you #
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A-ha!
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(MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
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# Knowing me, knowing you #
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(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
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Welcome.
Welcome to ''Knowing Me, Knowing You''
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with me, Alan Partridge,
live from BBC Television Centre.
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You better believe it.
There's a new chat in town.
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(DRUMBEAT)
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Tonight is a JFK kind of a night.
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Just as everyone remembers what they were
doing when Kennedy was shot in the head,
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I like to think that one day
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people will remember what they were doing
when I first said, ''A-ha!''
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As tonight's motorcade of chat
cruises through celebrity city,
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let's hope there isn't a sniper
waiting to pick off my star guest.
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He arrived at Heathrow ten minutes ago
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and is being whisked to the studio
in a black Vauxhall Carlton.
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He is none other than 007,
James Bond, Roger Moore.
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(AUDIENCE) Wooh!
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I hope you like my set. It's modelled
on the lobby of a top international hotel.
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And, for the first time ever on a chat show,
a beautiful fountain.
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But first, up there in their musical mezzanine,
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let's get to know my resident house band,
Glenn Ponder and Chalet!
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# Knowing me, knowing you #
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glenn Ponder.
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- A-ha.
- A-ha.
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Chalet. A-ha.
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- A-ha.
- Great to have you aboard.
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- Great to be here. We're really...
- Just enjoy the show...
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- Sorry?
- Sorry?
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Glenn Ponder...
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Glenn Ponder and Chalet!
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And you. Have a good time.
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(APPLAUSE AND MUSIC)
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Well, it's time to meet my first guest now,
after I've done her introduction...now.
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Now, Red Rum, Desert Orchid,
Black Beauty, Shergar and Mr Ed.
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What have they got in common?
They're all celebrity horses.
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My first guest is not a celebrity horse.
She's a celebrity who rides a horse.
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Let's see her in action.
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(ALAN) G'dee, g'dee, g'dee... YesI YesI
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And a... Ye... YesI
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Take that horse back to the stable
and give it a kissI
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There's no finer way to start my series
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than in the company
of world-championship-winning
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lady showjumping horse legend Sue Lewis!
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(CHALET) # The winner takes it all
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# The winner takes it all
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# The winner takes it all #
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Got a quick whiff of your perfume there.
That's nice.
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Sue Lewis. A-ha.
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- A-ha.
- Right. Now...
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Horses. Horses...
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People say a dog is like its owner.
Is a horse like its rider?
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I don't know.
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Can you... Can you speak up a bit?
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- I don't know.
- You don't think there's any resemblance?
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You don't think you look like a horse?
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- Well, I hope not.
- Speak up.
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- I hope not.
- Can we turn the fountain off, please?
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Sorry, Sue. Thank you.
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The idea was to represent
a fountain of knowledge, to symbolise the show.
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Now... Now, Sue...
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- It looks lovely.
- It is. Well, it cost two grand.
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That's what you'll see throughout the series,
lots of money spent on expensive items.
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Now, you won the hearts of the British public
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when last year you trotted off
with the world championship.
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- Yes.
- How did that feel?
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Oh...
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Great.
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R-Really?
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- Really great.
- Right. Yeah. And...
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- And was the horse aware of the excitement?
- Oh, yes.
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What... Did you give him a treat afterwards?
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Yes.
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What?
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Did you go up and tickle his belly?
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No. Actually, that's a dangerous area.
I'm thinking of that man with the dolphin.
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Now... Sue, let's move on to the anecdotes.
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Do the anecdote. Do it now.
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Well...all it was was that when you transport
a horse to an event in a horsebox,
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you have to do it carefully,
and it takes a lot of effort.
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The owner, Maxwell Henderson, was driving...
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Just get to the bit about the horsebox.
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We were driving up the motorway, and...
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She was driving up the motorway with this man...
Sorry, I'm doing it for you. Please.
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Right. We were driving up the motorway,
and Maxwell wanted a drink,
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so we stopped off at Newbury...
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Right. Can I just interrupt you?
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I've been told that Roger Moore has passed
Heston services and should be with us soon.
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Sorry, Sue. Carry on.
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Um...
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I've forgotten where I was.
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- Where was I?
- I've absolutely no idea.
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- That's not working. Go on...
- I remember.
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- All right. Go back.
- Right. We stopped in Newbury,
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so that Maxwell could get a cup of tea
or something, and I wanted something to read...
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- So you bought a book.
- And the point is, it was a small bookshop.
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- They were catering for a mass audience...
- Be quicker.
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Right. So I bought a book,
and when I was going back out...
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That's not quick. She bought a book,
and it was called ''Killing Horses''.
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The driver thought she was
some sort of murderess. It was hilarious.
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It was hilarious.
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- It was the only book...
- That's the end of the story.
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OK. Now, it says here ''Hawaii''.
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What happened in Hawaii?
Exotic location. Give me spice.
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- I lost my luggage.
- Oh, dear. What happened?
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- It turned up in Brasilia.
- Disaster! What next?
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Well, it was fine. There was nothing missing.
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You see, that's no good.
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That's an incident. It's not an anecdote.
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You've got on your press release ''anecdotes''.
That's dishonest.
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It's no good for a chat show.
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Just for future reference,
otherwise you waste people's time.
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- Thanks.
- Not to worry.
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We've got a surprise for you, in this regular
feature of the series called ''Up Alan's Sleeve''.
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Well, Sue Lewis, this week,
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I have for you up my sleeve a horse and a jump.
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Bring on the horse and the jump!
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(APPLAUSE)
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We couldn't get your horse. It's just a horse.
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- Hello.
- Now, isn't he a beauty?
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- She.
- She... Yes, you're absolutely right.
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We've got the horse and the jump.
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I know I've sprung this on you, but will you
rise to the challenge and jump the jump?
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No, I can't.
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- Should she jump the jump?
- (AUDIENCE) Yes!
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- Will you jump the jump?
- No, I really can't. It's a concrete floor.
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- A horse has delicate legs.
- Can we tape some sponges to its hooves?
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No, it would break the horse's legs.
It really can't be done.
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- ''Please don't break my legs.''
- Don't do that.
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All right. Get rid of the horse and the jump.
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(INAUDIBLE)
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(TENTATIVE APPLAUSE)
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That's your fault.
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- She was nervous...
- You really ought to tidy that up.
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That could've been spectacular.
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We could've had a horse jump,
now we've got a lump of dung.
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- I'm sorry.
- Well, I've got nothing else to say.
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- No more questions?
- No.
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- Have you got any?
- Have you ever ridden a horse?
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Yes, I have. I went pony-trekking...
when I was a schoolboy in Cornwall.
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Gosh.
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It's like one of your stories, that!
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Ladies and gentlemen, Sue Lewis.
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(APPLAUSE)
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Fame! I'm gonna live for ever. F...
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Stay there, Sue.
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Fame! I'm gonna learn how to fly.
Of course I'm not.
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But in... But in a sense, my next guest did.
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Two years ago, he was presenting
''The Loony Breakfast Show'' on Radio Leeds.
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Now he's topped the ratings
as the new host of ''This Is Your Life''.
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He's a trouper. I think he's super.
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Please welcome super trouper Keith Hunt!
Where is he?
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(CHALET) # The Super Trouper lights
are gonna find me
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# Shining like the sun
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# Smiling, having fun
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# Feeling like a number one #
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Oh, dear! Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Keith Hunt. A-ha.
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- A-ha. Am I right?
- (AUDIENCE) You're not wrong!
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I don't believe it!
You've got a catchphrase on already.
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I like to slip it in early, if you know what I mean.
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- You all right, Sue?
- You're not wrong.
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She's a barrel of laughs.
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- Pity it's empty. Am I right?
- (AUDIENCE) You're not wrong!
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- I'm only joking.
- You really are not wrong. Um...
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Now, Keith. ''This Is Your Life'',
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that show is a British institution.
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You've taken it and you've revolutionised it.
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You now do it as a surprise party
from the celebrity's home.
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Original idea. Where did you get it?
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- America.
- Great.
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- Sue, you were on it recently.
- Yes.
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- Was that fun?
- It was interesting.
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We'll see for ourselves soon,
but it certainly sounds like fun.
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Let's see the clip.
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(''THIS IS YOUR LIFE'' THEME)
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Shh! She's coming.
182
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Hold your horses! It's Sue Lewis!
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- Am I right?
- You're not wrong!
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- Where's me book?
- Hello!
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- He's big, he's red, he's a book.
- (BOTH) He's Big Red Bookie!
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Hey up, Sue. This is your life!
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(APPLAUSE)
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Oh, dear! Sue... Sue, how was that?
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Well, it was fun. I felt that...
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Rubbish! Crass! Putrefying cack! Drivel!
191
00:12:32,341 --> 00:12:36,095
That's what Melvyn Bragg said about your show.
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00:12:36,261 --> 00:12:37,580
Why?
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Because he's frightened of me. Oh, yeah.
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I deliver four times as many viewers as him.
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He knows that if I presented
''The South Bank Show'',
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00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:50,698
which I may do, I quite like art,
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then Melvyn Bragg would be stacking shelves
in Tesco's first thing Monday morning.
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- Am I right?
- (EVERYONE) You're not wrong!
199
00:12:59,581 --> 00:13:05,053
He shouldn't criticise. It's a British institution,
as English as fish and chips.
200
00:13:05,221 --> 00:13:07,576
- Bangers and mash.
- The Tower of London.
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00:13:07,741 --> 00:13:12,053
- Sue, want to mention something British?
- Um... Crufts?
202
00:13:14,021 --> 00:13:19,778
But, you know, I would dearly love my show
to be a British institution.
203
00:13:19,941 --> 00:13:23,251
Well, you've got to change your theme tune, then.
Abba? Swedish.
204
00:13:23,461 --> 00:13:27,090
Yeah... Well, that's a Swedish institution.
You can't get more Swedish.
205
00:13:27,261 --> 00:13:31,573
- As Swedish as er...Ikea.
- Volvo.
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00:13:31,781 --> 00:13:34,295
Sue, do you want to mention Swedish?
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00:13:34,461 --> 00:13:36,452
The vegetable swede.
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00:13:36,661 --> 00:13:38,936
Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean...
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The Swedish don't have a bad life
when you think about it.
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00:13:44,261 --> 00:13:48,732
They get up, have a bowl of swede,
hop in the Volvo,
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00:13:48,901 --> 00:13:51,210
whack on some Abba and zip over to Ikea.
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00:13:52,421 --> 00:13:54,616
I mean, that's my Sunday.
213
00:13:56,901 --> 00:13:58,892
Apart from the swede.
214
00:13:59,901 --> 00:14:03,257
Now, Keith... I have Kellogg's Common Sense.
215
00:14:03,421 --> 00:14:06,094
Now, Keith, what's the secret of your success?
216
00:14:07,061 --> 00:14:10,212
- I'm an ordinary bloke.
- Right. Am I an ordinary bloke?
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00:14:10,381 --> 00:14:12,975
- Dead ordinary.
- Good. Good?
218
00:14:13,141 --> 00:14:16,451
Good. Every Saturday,
I go to the footy with me kid.
219
00:14:16,661 --> 00:14:22,213
I go down the pub with me mates.
First thing I do when I fly up to Leeds.
220
00:14:22,381 --> 00:14:27,216
I'm the same. I can often be found
propping up the bar at the Pheasant Brasserie.
221
00:14:27,421 --> 00:14:32,620
Sunday lunch.
Roast beef, Yorkshire pud, cup o' tea. Magic.
222
00:14:32,821 --> 00:14:36,814
I'm the same. Down the Harvester,
Sunday platter, glass of wine. Cheers.
223
00:14:37,021 --> 00:14:39,057
We're ordinary. Ordinary, ordinary.
224
00:14:39,261 --> 00:14:42,139
But... The big ''but''...
225
00:14:42,301 --> 00:14:44,371
you do extraordinary things,
226
00:14:44,541 --> 00:14:49,661
- because I have Keith's local paper here...
- Hey, what's going on?
227
00:14:49,821 --> 00:14:53,052
- ..which has a little story...
- No, no. Don't embarrass me.
228
00:14:53,221 --> 00:14:56,531
- I'm not here to talk about meself...
- Come on. Shh!
229
00:14:56,701 --> 00:15:00,091
It's a story about Keith. Do you want to tell it?
230
00:15:00,261 --> 00:15:02,456
- All right.
- Listen to this.
231
00:15:02,661 --> 00:15:06,893
The headmaster of the local school
knocks on me door last week.
232
00:15:07,061 --> 00:15:14,649
He says, ''Keith, we're having a raffle
to raise money for a minibus. Will you host it?''
233
00:15:14,821 --> 00:15:17,574
I said, ''How much does this minibus cost?''
234
00:15:17,741 --> 00:15:20,050
He says, ''18 grand.'' I said...
235
00:15:20,221 --> 00:15:23,019
Sorry. If I could just stop you there.
236
00:15:23,221 --> 00:15:27,009
I've just been told
that Roger Moore is at Chiswick Roundabout.
237
00:15:27,181 --> 00:15:31,333
He should be with us very soon.
Stay tuned. Keith.
238
00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:33,139
He said, ''18 grand.''
239
00:15:33,301 --> 00:15:40,457
I said, ''Here's 20. Buy the kids a minibus
and take 'em to Alton Towers.''
240
00:15:40,621 --> 00:15:44,409
- What a nice man.
- You've got to put a bit back.
241
00:15:44,581 --> 00:15:47,379
- And it's tax-deductible.
- Yeah.
242
00:15:47,541 --> 00:15:49,736
I'm thinking along the same lines.
243
00:15:49,901 --> 00:15:53,974
I'm thinking of Alan Partridge's
Espace for the elderly.
244
00:15:54,181 --> 00:15:56,172
- Go for it.
- Well, I will.
245
00:15:56,381 --> 00:16:00,090
Now, Keith, you like surprises. You...
246
00:16:00,261 --> 00:16:03,094
By the way, thanks for bringing that paper in.
247
00:16:04,541 --> 00:16:06,736
And... And...
248
00:16:06,941 --> 00:16:09,694
(APPLAUSE)
249
00:16:11,661 --> 00:16:17,497
Well done. You like surprises,
and we have now got a surprise for you,
250
00:16:17,661 --> 00:16:21,097
because it's time once again to go
''Up Alan's Sleeve''.
251
00:16:21,261 --> 00:16:25,413
Earlier, I had a horse up my sleeve,
and a jump, for Sue.
252
00:16:25,581 --> 00:16:29,051
''Well,'' people are asking,
''what's up your other sleeve?''
253
00:16:29,221 --> 00:16:33,692
- Well, I've got a child up my sleeve.
- What's going on?
254
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:36,176
It's a child you know very well.
255
00:16:36,341 --> 00:16:41,654
- He's here tonight, your own son, Sam Hunt!
- I don't believe this.
256
00:16:41,821 --> 00:16:44,574
(APPLAUSE)
257
00:16:46,821 --> 00:16:48,812
Now, Keith... Keith...
258
00:16:48,981 --> 00:16:51,211
- All right, Sam?
- All right, Sam?
259
00:16:51,381 --> 00:16:55,499
Sam is your only son from your marriage,
which was dissolved.
260
00:16:55,661 --> 00:16:59,779
Because of custody laws,
you can only see him once a fortnight,
261
00:16:59,941 --> 00:17:03,490
so you're not allowed contact tonight,
but I can speak to him.
262
00:17:03,661 --> 00:17:07,415
So you wait here while I go and talk to Sam Hunt.
263
00:17:07,581 --> 00:17:10,095
(APPLAUSE)
264
00:17:10,261 --> 00:17:13,492
- Hello, you little terror.
- Hi, Sam. It's Dad.
265
00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:18,297
I believe, Keith, you've got something
very special to say to Sam today.
266
00:17:18,461 --> 00:17:23,216
Looking forward to next weekend, Sam.
We'll have a fun day out at the footy.
267
00:17:23,381 --> 00:17:26,134
No, isn't there something else you want to say?
268
00:17:27,221 --> 00:17:29,212
See your dad on the telly last week?
269
00:17:29,421 --> 00:17:31,935
No. Sam, do you want to tell your daddy?
270
00:17:32,141 --> 00:17:36,373
- It's my birthday.
- It's your son's birthday!
271
00:17:36,541 --> 00:17:40,375
- Yes! Happy birthday, Sam.
- What have you got for him?
272
00:17:43,701 --> 00:17:46,534
No, Keith. Stay there! You know the law!
273
00:17:47,141 --> 00:17:49,894
There you go. Your daddy's got you ten pounds.
274
00:17:50,101 --> 00:17:53,491
But don't despair,
because we've got you a present.
275
00:17:53,661 --> 00:17:58,610
We've got you an Alan Partridge tie
and blazer badge combination pack.
276
00:17:58,821 --> 00:18:01,858
There we go. You take that.
277
00:18:02,021 --> 00:18:07,049
And not only that, we've got him
an all-expenses-paid trip to Disneyland
278
00:18:07,221 --> 00:18:09,451
with Mummy and her partner this weekend.
279
00:18:09,661 --> 00:18:11,253
No, no, no!
280
00:18:11,421 --> 00:18:13,252
No, no, no!
281
00:18:14,341 --> 00:18:16,901
I've got custody this weekend. She knows that.
282
00:18:17,101 --> 00:18:19,092
- It's arranged.
- I've got custody.
283
00:18:19,261 --> 00:18:21,900
- She knows it!
- Let's ask Sam. Where are you going?
284
00:18:22,061 --> 00:18:25,656
- Disneyland.
- Of course you are, you little terror!
285
00:18:25,821 --> 00:18:29,177
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Hunt.
That way! That way!
286
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,332
(CHALET) # Happy birthday to you
287
00:18:31,541 --> 00:18:34,009
# Happy birthday to you
288
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,741
# Happy birthday, dear Sammy
289
00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:39,938
# Happy birthday to you #
290
00:18:40,101 --> 00:18:44,174
Great. Marvellous.
Funny feeling that backfired a bit.
291
00:18:45,741 --> 00:18:48,414
You should have checked it out with me first.
292
00:18:48,621 --> 00:18:51,055
I didn't realise you'd forget your son's birthday.
293
00:18:51,221 --> 00:18:53,212
Leave it.
294
00:18:55,021 --> 00:18:58,536
Oh, dear. I've blown my chances
of being on ''This Is Your Life''.
295
00:18:58,741 --> 00:19:03,212
Oh, no. We couldn't have you on the show.
We only have celebrities.
296
00:19:03,581 --> 00:19:05,970
(AUDIENCE) Ooh!
297
00:19:08,541 --> 00:19:11,419
- Sue, have you got any children?
- No, I haven't.
298
00:19:11,581 --> 00:19:16,609
I have.
Fernando, he's at Cambridge, and Denise.
299
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:19,853
Yes, Denise's birthday is on 27th May,
300
00:19:20,021 --> 00:19:24,890
and Fernando's is on 6th June,
so quite close together.
301
00:19:25,061 --> 00:19:30,260
We usually have a big family bash.
All the family together. Solid as a rock.
302
00:19:32,221 --> 00:19:34,894
- Do horses have birthdays?
- Yes, they do.
303
00:19:35,061 --> 00:19:37,052
- Do you get them presents?
- Sometimes.
304
00:19:37,261 --> 00:19:41,174
Really? Even horses? Even horses.
305
00:19:46,261 --> 00:19:49,378
He looks like a lovely boy. How old is he?
306
00:19:49,541 --> 00:19:52,374
- Five.
- Six. Six today.
307
00:19:52,741 --> 00:19:55,096
Am I right? I'm not wrong.
308
00:19:59,661 --> 00:20:02,129
You do realise you're the only person
309
00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:05,373
who still thinks
Roger Moore's going to turn up?
310
00:20:05,581 --> 00:20:07,776
- He'll be here.
- Where is he now?
311
00:20:07,941 --> 00:20:09,374
Chiswick Roundabout.
312
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:13,056
- From there to TV Centre in ten minutes?
- Yes.
313
00:20:13,261 --> 00:20:15,900
- How? By magic carpet?
- If need be.
314
00:20:16,061 --> 00:20:19,019
Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Hunt.
315
00:20:19,181 --> 00:20:21,854
(APPLAUSE)
316
00:20:24,501 --> 00:20:26,298
Now...
317
00:20:28,381 --> 00:20:32,340
Could... Could someone
clear that shit away, please?
318
00:20:33,461 --> 00:20:36,817
It's just that I can see... It's in my picture.
319
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:45,130
People may associate it with me. I don't...
320
00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:48,980
Time for my next guests.
321
00:20:50,421 --> 00:20:55,290
If music be the food of love, play on.
That's what William Shakespeare said.
322
00:20:55,461 --> 00:21:00,535
I'm not William Shakespeare,
but I say pretty much the same thing.
323
00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:03,659
If music be the food of love, let's eat it.
324
00:21:03,821 --> 00:21:08,576
Here with her new single
''Monday Morning''... I know the feeling...
325
00:21:08,741 --> 00:21:10,971
please welcome Shona McGough.
326
00:21:11,181 --> 00:21:13,741
(APPLAUSE)
327
00:21:20,341 --> 00:21:23,936
# Monday morning at quarter to eight
328
00:21:24,101 --> 00:21:29,175
# She gives her husband his cornflakes,
he mustn't be late
329
00:21:29,341 --> 00:21:33,016
# She vacuums the carpets,
makes everything clean
330
00:21:33,181 --> 00:21:39,051
# Everything clean
# What would she do without Mr Sheen?
331
00:21:43,461 --> 00:21:47,932
# She takes a shotgun from under the stairs
332
00:21:48,101 --> 00:21:50,376
# And stands in the hallway
333
00:21:50,541 --> 00:21:52,930
# Screaming her pra-a-a-ayers!
334
00:21:54,061 --> 00:21:57,133
(HOWL OF FEEDBACK)
335
00:21:57,301 --> 00:22:01,852
# The gasman comes to read the meter
336
00:22:02,021 --> 00:22:06,572
# He writes down the reading,
scratching his head
337
00:22:06,741 --> 00:22:10,734
# It's quarter to four and now the gasman's...
338
00:22:10,901 --> 00:22:13,335
# Dead!
# Bloodbath!
339
00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:15,532
# Bloodbath!
340
00:22:15,741 --> 00:22:20,371
# The postman arrives, she says, ''Hello, Ray''
341
00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:25,296
# And smiles politely as she blows him away
342
00:22:25,461 --> 00:22:27,531
# Bloodbath!
343
00:22:27,701 --> 00:22:29,612
# Bloodbath!
344
00:22:29,781 --> 00:22:31,931
# She's stalking the streets
345
00:22:32,101 --> 00:22:34,456
# Her brain's on fire
346
00:22:34,621 --> 00:22:39,172
# She guns down 20 in Visionhire
347
00:22:39,341 --> 00:22:43,459
# Bloodbath! Bloodbath!
348
00:22:43,661 --> 00:22:45,697
# Her hubby comes home
349
00:22:45,861 --> 00:22:48,091
# And he gives her a kiss
350
00:22:48,261 --> 00:22:51,059
# She put the gun in his mouth and says
351
00:22:51,261 --> 00:22:52,899
# ''Suck on this!''
352
00:22:53,301 --> 00:22:57,738
# Bloodbath! Bloodbath!
353
00:22:57,941 --> 00:23:02,537
# Bloodbath! Bloodbath!
# Blood! Blood!
354
00:23:02,701 --> 00:23:05,852
# Bloodbath! Bloodbath! Bloodbath!
355
00:23:06,021 --> 00:23:08,581
# Bloodbath! Bloodbath! Bloodbath!
356
00:23:08,741 --> 00:23:10,811
# Oooooow!
357
00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:14,093
# Suck on this! #
358
00:23:16,861 --> 00:23:19,170
(APPLAUSE)
359
00:23:20,381 --> 00:23:22,690
No, no, no, no.
360
00:23:23,261 --> 00:23:25,570
No. No.
361
00:23:26,501 --> 00:23:28,935
No. Ladies...
362
00:23:29,141 --> 00:23:32,656
Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise.
363
00:23:32,821 --> 00:23:35,938
I had no idea of the full content of that song.
364
00:23:36,101 --> 00:23:39,776
If any young people are watching, let me say this.
365
00:23:39,941 --> 00:23:43,695
Whilst it's all well and good
for a rock band to sing about it,
366
00:23:43,861 --> 00:23:49,174
murder, domestic or street-bound genocide,
is illegal in this country.
367
00:23:49,341 --> 00:23:52,378
- What was that?
- It was a song.
368
00:23:52,541 --> 00:23:57,979
But it started off so well.
You whipped the skirt off, very like Bucks Fizz.
369
00:23:58,181 --> 00:24:03,699
And then... Do you mind standing here
as you were told? Please. Come back.
370
00:24:03,861 --> 00:24:07,456
Well... Shona McGough's single is in the shops
371
00:24:07,621 --> 00:24:09,896
if you want to annoy your neighbours.
372
00:24:10,061 --> 00:24:11,574
Um... Yes, right.
373
00:24:11,741 --> 00:24:16,940
I've just been told Roger Moore
is at Chiswick Roundabout, so he's...
374
00:24:17,101 --> 00:24:19,934
What's he still doing there?
He shouldn't be there.
375
00:24:20,141 --> 00:24:23,292
I'll fill in with chat with Shona McGough.
376
00:24:23,501 --> 00:24:26,220
She's beaten me to it. Oh, dear. Um...
377
00:24:26,701 --> 00:24:30,011
I... I need a chair, unfortunately.
378
00:24:30,181 --> 00:24:32,934
Don't do that, please.
379
00:24:33,141 --> 00:24:36,531
Sue. Sue Lewis.
Sorry, I need your chair. Come on.
380
00:24:36,821 --> 00:24:38,493
(BAND BOOS)
381
00:24:38,661 --> 00:24:40,891
Just sit round there.
382
00:24:41,741 --> 00:24:45,450
Well, if you've just tuned in,
you're watching ''Knowing me, Knowing You''.
383
00:24:45,621 --> 00:24:50,297
It's not quite what we planned.
It's a bit crazy, but what the heck?
384
00:24:50,461 --> 00:24:54,852
Say what you like, but you can't say
it's not interesting. Please don't say that.
385
00:24:55,021 --> 00:24:58,218
Don't do that. Get off. Stop it! Please.
386
00:24:58,381 --> 00:25:03,819
Um... This is interesting. A lady drummer.
Close your eyes, could've been a man.
387
00:25:04,021 --> 00:25:06,376
- Very good.
- Thanks a lot.
388
00:25:06,581 --> 00:25:09,141
- I really fancy you, you know?
- What?
389
00:25:09,301 --> 00:25:11,815
- I think you're really sexy.
- Really?
390
00:25:11,981 --> 00:25:13,300
No.
391
00:25:15,301 --> 00:25:20,580
Shona, put those pears back, please.
I'd rather you didn't mess with those pears.
392
00:25:20,781 --> 00:25:24,091
Please. Really.
Honestly, I really would rather...
393
00:25:24,301 --> 00:25:27,850
Oh, what the heck? Rock and roll!
Let's all have a pear!
394
00:25:29,701 --> 00:25:33,250
All right, a question
I've always wanted to ask a Scottish woman.
395
00:25:33,421 --> 00:25:35,412
What's under a Scotsman's kilt?
396
00:25:35,621 --> 00:25:40,331
- His penis.
- Oh, for God's... I know what you think.
397
00:25:40,501 --> 00:25:45,450
You all think I'm a big square.
Let me tell you, I've seen it all before.
398
00:25:45,621 --> 00:25:50,570
I've inhaled hashish. I've worn tall shoes.
I've had an afro haircut.
399
00:25:50,781 --> 00:25:54,979
I went on all-weekend binges to see Wings.
400
00:25:56,141 --> 00:26:01,420
I'll tell you something else. Chris de Burgh
and the Eagles could eat you for breakfast.
401
00:26:02,821 --> 00:26:06,450
- You're quiet.
- Just enjoying the show, mate.
402
00:26:10,501 --> 00:26:15,575
Let's move on the next section of the show,
''An Audience With Roger Moore''.
403
00:26:15,781 --> 00:26:20,696
To help me with that, I'm going to invite
Shona, Sue and Keith, not the band,
404
00:26:20,861 --> 00:26:26,379
to join me in the Roger Moore room
for ''An Audience With Roger Moore''.
405
00:26:26,541 --> 00:26:29,339
(BOND-STYLE MUSIC AND APPLAUSE)
406
00:26:39,941 --> 00:26:43,331
Here we are in the Roger Moore room.
407
00:26:43,501 --> 00:26:48,256
The idea was that Roger could come in here
and sit where Sue's sitting
408
00:26:48,421 --> 00:26:50,412
and chat about all these things.
409
00:26:50,581 --> 00:26:54,415
I'm surrounded by memorabilia from
Roger's glittering career in films and television.
410
00:26:54,581 --> 00:26:58,210
There's a little James Bond car.
The man flies out. That's nice.
411
00:26:58,381 --> 00:27:02,772
There's a golden gun.
That's from ''The Man With The Golden Gun''.
412
00:27:02,941 --> 00:27:08,174
The gold ingot there from the film ''Gold'',
in which he co-starred with Susannah York.
413
00:27:08,341 --> 00:27:13,495
There's a ''Saint'' annual there.
I was going to get Roger to read aloud from that
414
00:27:13,661 --> 00:27:16,334
with his lovely warm, brown voice.
415
00:27:16,541 --> 00:27:21,251
Jog my memory. In which film
does it feature three ducks on the wall?
416
00:27:21,461 --> 00:27:25,249
Ah. They are not ducks, they are wild geese,
417
00:27:25,421 --> 00:27:32,133
from the film ''The Wild Geese'' with Roger Moore
playing the cigar-chomping mercenary.
418
00:27:32,301 --> 00:27:34,496
- Oh, yes.
- Sorry?
419
00:27:34,661 --> 00:27:36,891
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, yes. Yes.
420
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:41,899
Right. This was the show opening.
This was going to be marvellous.
421
00:27:42,061 --> 00:27:44,052
There we go. Curtains, curtains.
422
00:27:45,861 --> 00:27:50,571
Roger Moore! Roger Moore,
the quintessential English gentleman.
423
00:27:50,781 --> 00:27:52,499
Who's not here.
424
00:27:52,701 --> 00:27:56,057
Now, I was going to start...
Roger would have loved this.
425
00:27:56,221 --> 00:27:58,735
I was going to do this. This is fantastic...
426
00:27:58,941 --> 00:28:01,580
A-ha! Mr Bond!
427
00:28:02,861 --> 00:28:04,852
I've been expecting you.
428
00:28:05,661 --> 00:28:09,176
Which I had. Would have been fantastic.
429
00:28:09,381 --> 00:28:12,259
- What's that?
- That's a nipple. Now...
430
00:28:12,461 --> 00:28:14,053
- What?
- A nipple.
431
00:28:14,261 --> 00:28:20,131
From ''The Man With The Golden Gun''.
It's a third nipple. Scaramanga had three nipples.
432
00:28:20,301 --> 00:28:23,134
- That's a gold finger.
- Sean Connery was ''Goldfinger''.
433
00:28:23,301 --> 00:28:26,338
Well done. That was a trick object. Well done.
434
00:28:26,501 --> 00:28:28,776
Sean Connery was a better Bond, anyway.
435
00:28:28,941 --> 00:28:32,980
Well, interesting you take that position,
the Scottish position.
436
00:28:33,141 --> 00:28:38,374
In the whole Roger versus Sean debate
that's been raging for 20 years,
437
00:28:38,581 --> 00:28:42,051
I have to say I'm firmly in the Roger camp.
438
00:28:42,261 --> 00:28:47,619
I believe no one could wear a safari suit
with the same degree of casuality.
439
00:28:47,821 --> 00:28:52,133
It's a shambles! You're putting a brave face on it,
but he's not here.
440
00:28:52,341 --> 00:28:55,890
- You tell the viewers...
- Keith Hunt, let me stop you...
441
00:28:56,061 --> 00:29:00,452
Let me stop you in your tracks.
You can eat your hat now,
442
00:29:00,621 --> 00:29:05,775
because I can confirm Roger Moore
is on the show right now.
443
00:29:05,981 --> 00:29:09,371
- Where is he?
- Live by telephone link-up
444
00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:12,141
from the car on a mobile phone.
445
00:29:12,301 --> 00:29:14,940
Hello, Roger. Hello, Roger.
446
00:29:15,101 --> 00:29:17,171
- (CRACKLY) Hello, Alan.
- Oh, joy!
447
00:29:17,341 --> 00:29:18,660
Roger Moore!
448
00:29:18,821 --> 00:29:20,174
Oh! Um...
449
00:29:20,341 --> 00:29:24,653
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Roger Moore. A-ha.
450
00:29:24,821 --> 00:29:29,099
Roger? No? Listen,
I'm going to cut straight to a key question.
451
00:29:29,301 --> 00:29:34,170
A hypothetical fist fight takes place
between Simon Templar, the Saint,
452
00:29:34,341 --> 00:29:36,775
and Roger Moore, James Bond, 007.
453
00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:39,660
- Who wins?
- (RADIO STATIC)
454
00:29:39,861 --> 00:29:42,580
Any thoughts on that, Roger?
455
00:29:43,821 --> 00:29:45,140
Roger?
456
00:29:47,261 --> 00:29:49,092
Roger?
457
00:29:50,981 --> 00:29:52,812
Roger!
458
00:29:53,781 --> 00:29:55,772
Roger!
459
00:29:59,421 --> 00:30:02,458
Does the word ''Titanic'' mean anything to you?
460
00:30:03,381 --> 00:30:07,340
Oh, yeah. People go on...
Let me tell you something about the Titanic.
461
00:30:07,501 --> 00:30:11,210
People forget that on the Titanic's maiden voyage
462
00:30:11,421 --> 00:30:17,132
there were over 1,000 miles
of uneventful cruising before it hit the iceberg.
463
00:30:19,581 --> 00:30:22,334
- Anyway, we had him on the show.
- That doesn't count!
464
00:30:22,541 --> 00:30:25,260
Face it, mate, he's Roger the Dodger.
465
00:30:25,461 --> 00:30:28,100
- Am I right?
- (AUDIENCE) You're not wrong!
466
00:30:28,941 --> 00:30:33,890
All right. Point taken. We can still rescue it.
Let's turn the situation around.
467
00:30:34,061 --> 00:30:38,498
Let's call this ''Right To Reply''.
If you've got criticisms, let me hear them.
468
00:30:38,701 --> 00:30:42,057
Criticisms? A horse takes a dump on your show!
469
00:30:42,221 --> 00:30:45,657
No manners, but what a critic. You know...
470
00:30:47,181 --> 00:30:52,096
- You get a jump. She won't jump it.
- No, I really couldn't do it.
471
00:30:52,301 --> 00:30:55,976
- You were right, love.
- You get us on. You've never heard of us.
472
00:30:56,141 --> 00:31:00,532
You slag us off.
We're vegetarians. We get ham sandwiches.
473
00:31:00,741 --> 00:31:04,416
You get me own kid on.
That is well out of order.
474
00:31:04,581 --> 00:31:06,572
When the Director General of the BBC...
475
00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:09,056
Up yours!
476
00:31:09,221 --> 00:31:11,416
Up yours!
477
00:31:12,021 --> 00:31:14,455
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
478
00:31:17,821 --> 00:31:20,494
- You can't say that.
- Kiss my arse!
479
00:31:28,181 --> 00:31:30,331
And on that bombshell,
480
00:31:30,501 --> 00:31:33,538
it's time for me to say
knowing me, Alan Partridge,
481
00:31:33,701 --> 00:31:36,693
knowing you, Scotch lady...woman,
482
00:31:36,861 --> 00:31:40,934
knowing you, the Hunt,
and knowing you, Mrs Mouse.
483
00:31:41,141 --> 00:31:43,780
And I've...I've just been told
484
00:31:43,941 --> 00:31:48,139
Roger Moore has just checked
into Claridge's and ordered room service.
485
00:31:48,301 --> 00:31:49,780
A-ha!
486
00:32:18,101 --> 00:32:20,490
# Knowing me, knowing you #
40537
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