Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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'I enjoyed The Hobbit more than
Riverdance...
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00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,920
'and I think lots of boys
on a island, killing a fat boy,
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'is not so good as Gandalf,
with a long white beard...'
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00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:19,840
OK. If you've just joined us, we're
talking about who is the best lord -
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00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:25,200
Lord Of The Rings, Of The Dance, or
Of The Flies? Tonight's HOT topic.
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00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,240
'HOT TOPIC!'
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Voting has closed and The Rings
and The Flies have been trounced
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00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:36,560
by the quick feet
of blouse-wearing tycoon,
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Michael Flatley.
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00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:43,000
Flatley, my dear,
I don't Riverdance...give a damn!
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00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,200
Yeah. It's 11pm.
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Time for Alan's Love Asylum.
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'ALAN'S LOVE ASYLUM!
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'AAARGH!'
It's basically sex music...
15
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:05,000
See you later!
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00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:10,520
That was The Corrs! Three little
birds we'd all like to prey upon!
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00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:12,840
Perhaps steal their eggs.
18
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,960
I'm off now -
leaving you in the capable hands
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00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:22,520
of Dave Clifton - with you till 4AM
with his Night Club!
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00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:27,440
What you got lined up for us, Dave?
It's Ladies' Night, tonight.
21
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:32,480
Wet T-shirt competition? You never
know! How does that work on radio?
22
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,600
Sort of use your imagination, Alan!
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00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:40,520
I tell you what! There's a lot
of ladies in here, tonight.
24
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,080
WOMEN CHORUSING
Steady, girls! Steady!
25
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,280
Ooh! I'm all wet!
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00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:51,160
I can hear 'em - I can't see 'em!
That's cos you're not on and I am!
27
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:54,880
I'm off for a mushroom slice.
Get me one, chum!
28
00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:59,560
All right! OK! Let's open
the Night Club with Jo Boxers...
29
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:05,280
Two flavia frothy cappuccinos
coming right up! You're a gentleman!
30
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:08,520
There's that idiot
in the Hillman Imp.
31
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:15,480
Is he going to get petrol?
No. No. He's just using
the forecourt to turn round!
32
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,920
He thinks he's Rod Stewart!
33
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:25,360
Your road safety video's doing well!
Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video?
Aye! Better than your book, like.
34
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:32,840
Unfortunately, we live in a world
where people would rather see clips
of idiots driving cars like maniacs,
35
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:38,600
than a book that has been described
as, "Lovely stuff." Not my words -
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00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,560
the words of Shakin' Stevens.
37
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:45,640
You could always, uh,
reduce the price, like. Again?
38
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:49,800
You're not pushing them.
Pretend to sell me the book.
39
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,840
Hello. Uh...what pump number?
40
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,880
Um...
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00:02:56,200 --> 00:03:01,240
Three. No, no! Four...! It doesn't
matter, does it? Doesn't matter.
42
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:09,120
Four. Four. No, three! It's got the
paper towels. I like three. Three.
Eh...would you also like this book?
43
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:17,000
What's it about? Oh. This local
fella what used to be on TV. But
he wasn't very good, so now he's
not.
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00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,960
He went right down - rock bottom.
45
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:26,280
He's back up,
but not where he was, cos them days
is over. But he's come back a bit.
46
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:30,480
That sounds depressing.
You just want the petrol?
47
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:36,040
Your sales technique is AWFUL...
and you're low on...
48
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:43,320
brushable joint sealer.
Oh. Captain Partridge, please look
after things while I get supplies.
49
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:50,560
It's a petrol station, not
the Gulf War... Which, ironically,
is like a large petrol station.
50
00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:56,800
# Sail away, sail away, sail away
51
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,200
# Sail away, sail away, sail away
52
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# Sail away... # A-hem!
53
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:06,560
Oh! Sorry. It's all right.
I'm not Enya. Uh, pump number three.
54
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,000
Good pump!
55
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:16,840
F Raphael. That's funny. I had a
school teacher called Frank Raphael.
56
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:22,120
"Sweaty Raphael", we called him.
Big stains under his armpits...
57
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,480
It's you. How are you?
58
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,040
Alan Partridge.
59
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:33,840
The same. What are you up to? Still
at the school - I'm headmaster now.
60
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,840
Good call! Yes, I remember you...
61
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:41,960
Didn't you used to be on TV? Yeah. I
got out of that - unpleasant people.
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00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:48,160
Bitter bastards.
In educational authorities,
you find a few of those as well.
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00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,520
Every profession has its...shits!
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00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:58,920
Sorry about the bad language.
65
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,520
And a bag of Minstrels. Oooh!
66
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,640
We all sweat, don't we?
I used to sweat like a zoo.
67
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:14,880
I DO mean the smell. YOU didn't
smell. That was Kakky Raphael...
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00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:18,400
That's you!
Shoot me in the head with a gun!
69
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,600
I can remember you once caned me
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00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:26,080
for having a chalk penis
drawn on the back of my blazer.
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00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:31,720
Oh, that was a LONG time ago, Alan.
That's what Nazi war criminals say.
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00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:40,560
I met another old boy recently -
Tony Spillane. He gave a talk
to our sixth formers.
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00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:49,200
There's no way I could've drawn
a penis on my back. Ask yourself
two questions - how and why?
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00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,480
Lovely to see you.
I could give a talk.
75
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:57,480
If we need someone to talk about
petrol stations, I'll call you.
76
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:02,320
BUZZ! CLUNK!
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00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:06,720
You think I work here?!
Well, I just paid you for petrol!
78
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:13,520
THIS is the man that runs the place.
Well, he doesn't run it -
he's the...work Geordie.
79
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:19,840
He's always been at this level.
Aye. When I was in the army...
Whatever.
80
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:25,880
I'm doing better than him!
My production company
went into liquidation.
81
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:30,800
I was jobless for two years,
clinically fed up - "boo-hoo"...
82
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,120
Do I need to know this?
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00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:36,480
Because I've bounced back!
People do!
84
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,720
Dennis Hopper, Rolf Harris...
there are others.
85
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,080
Can I get to my car?
86
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:47,440
It won't drive off! It's not Herbie!
The point is,
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00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,040
I have the third-best slot
on Radio Norwich,
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00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:55,680
a military-based quiz show
on cable TV, and a girlfriend.
89
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,760
Your pupils want to know about that.
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00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:04,760
I'll be in touch. If we set it up
now, Michael can press the button.
91
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,160
Would you like this book?
92
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:13,120
Not now! All right. Why don't you
give a talk on Wednesday evening?
93
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:16,040
Michael? Release the headmaster.
94
00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:25,120
Yoo-hoo! Hello, Lynne.
Would you like a coffee? Oh, no.
95
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:29,880
Coffee machine's the future, Lynne.
Kettles are sa-a-ad.
96
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:37,680
What about the polo neck?
Balls out of the bath.
It's rather snazzy.
97
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:43,280
Your hair's snazzy. Is that your
mother's money coming through? Yes.
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00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:49,560
Part of the bereavement dividend!
I changed her sheets
every day for 10 years.
99
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:56,080
I don't know how you managed.
She WAS a bit of a heffalump,
God rest her soul.
100
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,440
She was a BIG woman.
101
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:04,720
I'm tempted to say
she was big-hearted,
but that would be bullshit!
102
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:12,040
OK, Lynne, make for the banquette.
Thank you. Thanks for changing
the gas. I heard you clinking!
103
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:16,760
OK. What have you got?
Shoot from your hip - your new hip.
104
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,320
Oh!
105
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:24,760
You've a 1pm meeting with Meteor
Productions, about the new video.
106
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:29,560
Do you need me? I don't NEED you.
I'd like you to be there.
107
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:34,920
Your problem is that you don't
like them making wet T-shirt videos.
108
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,760
It's not hard-core super-sex!
109
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:43,080
If you'd actually watched
Boob Olympics...
110
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,320
..as I have,
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00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,960
you'd see
there IS a competitive element.
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00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,000
As long as it makes you happy.
113
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:57,880
The granite kitchen worktops,
the brass dimmer switches,
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00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:04,000
your eight grand a year - all comes
from Meteor, who HAPPEN to produce
115
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:09,480
Boob Olympics, The Eurovison
Thong Contest...and Wet Christmas.
116
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,040
All right, guys? All right? Yeah.
117
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,320
See the match? Which one?
118
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,440
Dunno.
119
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:25,640
How's it going, Mr Partridge? Cool!
You seen what I done in the toilet?
120
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:30,720
What do you mean?
Well, I retiled it. Oh! Right!
121
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:34,280
Tell you what!
We've got something for you.
122
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:38,520
Stick this on. Ooh! There you go.
Hey-hey!
123
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:47,680
There's a serious reason
why I'm wearing this. Insurance.
124
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:52,520
No offence... None taken. You
don't know what I'm going to say.
125
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:57,240
Wait till I've said it before
you decide not to take offence.
126
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:03,280
No offence, Lynne, but your life
is technically not worth insuring.
127
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:10,920
Can we talk about the office area?
OK. I wanted to say, the office
will double as a chill-out room.
128
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:16,200
I didn't think you were a raver!
I'm not a raver - I'm straight!
129
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,720
I've got a girlfriend.
130
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,320
She's, uh, she's only 33.
131
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,360
Cash back!
132
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:35,640
Between...between you and me,
there are things I do with Sonja,
133
00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:42,440
that I'd NEVER have done
with my ex-wife. I mean,
occasionally, I durst venture south!
134
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:50,240
And when I go south, I have to say,
it's like a breath of fresh air.
135
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:55,080
Two years ago, I was a mess.
I put on weight. I had breasts.
136
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:59,200
Bet they were the only ones
you could cop hold of!
137
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:04,600
They were, actually! I was
repellent to women for two years.
138
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:10,680
Breasts with tassels. Making them
do that, and that, but not that!
139
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:15,840
Imagine dreaming that and waking up
screaming, cos that's what happened.
140
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:22,760
Hello, Alan! Oh! I told you!
Hello, the builders. Watch!
141
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,040
She's not stopping me!
142
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:30,240
SLAVIC ACCENT:
Brilliant story!
143
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:36,720
Last day I was in
the coffee shop, where I work.
A man came in and wanted coffee.
144
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:43,320
He was smelly man -
Tomic did not like him. Tomic said
we didn't have any coffee.
145
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,640
And then...the man just went!
146
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:56,000
I don't quite understand the joke.
Drop it, Lynne!
147
00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:04,000
It's a coffee shop,
but one man says to another,
"You can't have coffee."? That's it.
148
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:11,440
But it don't make sense, does it?
I mean, you've got a man coming in
for a coffee... Help me out, mate!
149
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,600
Very funny story!
150
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:20,240
Yes! It's a funny story!
It IS funny! I think those stories
are best in the caravan.
151
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,640
Why don't we go there now?
Grab her, Lynne!
152
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:33,040
Guess which one of you two ladies
I'm going to make love with now?
153
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:44,840
I'll, um...just go on up to the
club...and meet that video woman.
See you later.
154
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:48,080
Come on, Sonja. Let's be appalling!
155
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:52,160
Oh, Lynne?
156
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:58,000
I reckon, 40-45 minutes? Well...
about that. Better make it an hour -
157
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:02,200
I want to have a shower
before and afterwards. Oh...
158
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,960
Hi! OH! Alan!
159
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,960
Just stay down!
160
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,960
Sorry I'm late - had to shower.
Got a bit clammy.
161
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,040
Yeahhh!
162
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:35,080
So...how have you been, Alan?
Ruddy, bloody good, actually!
163
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:39,120
His panic attacks
have all but stopped! Thanks(!)
164
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,280
Hello? Excuse me! What's his name?
It's Todd.
165
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,480
Seriously?
166
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:50,720
Hi, Todd. Snazzy jeans
you've got there. Thank you.
167
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,920
You're welcome.
168
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,720
Excuse me.
169
00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:01,720
There IS a zero-tolerance policy
on denim in the bar? Yes.
170
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,600
There's a chap there wearing jeans.
171
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:11,840
A chap of about six? Right...
They're lovely at that age.
172
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,880
..They get you
on the old jeans rule? Nazis!
173
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:22,080
With excellent facilities...
as had the Nazis.
174
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,760
OK, shall we get started?
175
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:29,440
Yes. The last video was
Crash, Bang, Wallop! What A Video,
176
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:35,040
and THIS one features helicopters
pursuing bad prats across fields,
177
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,480
I thought of the title,
Scum On The Run.
178
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:45,360
You all right? Lynne doesn't like
the old...watersports.
179
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:52,400
We don't do that.
You know! The wet T-shirts? That's
not watersports. What's watersports?
180
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,560
You don't know? No, I don't.
181
00:14:55,560 --> 00:15:00,640
You don't know what watersports are?
I believe we've established that!
182
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:08,000
Well... Tell me what watersports
are. People relieving themselves
on each other.
183
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:28,840
WHISTLES TUNELESSLY
184
00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,560
Did you know...
185
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:38,560
..that there are no Dutch elms
left in Britain?
186
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,320
Completely wiped out.
187
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,160
Disgusting.
188
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,440
Absolutely disgusting!
189
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:53,880
Perhaps they were caught short?
They do it on purpose, Lynne!
190
00:15:55,880 --> 00:16:01,800
That's the small talk over with!
Now to the thorny issue of the fee.
191
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:09,400
No, there's no negotiation!
When you hire me, you don't
just get a guy who used to be on TV.
192
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:16,200
You DO get that...
BUT you ALSO get my voice.
193
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,440
Let me remind you...
194
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:23,160
"Britain has some of the safest
roads in Europe, but THIS...
195
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,520
MOCK GERMAN ACCENT:
"ist der autobahn!"
196
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,720
I bring humour.
197
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:33,920
I'm sorry! I just can't move on
the fee. You know we love your work.
198
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:38,880
And I love your videos of women
being hosed down in car parks.
199
00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:43,400
It's more tasteful than that.
It's called Titsnade Zoo.
200
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:50,160
Alan, I am NOT negotiating.
You may not be, but I am.
You'll be negotiating alone.
201
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,200
So be it.
202
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,280
You can't!
203
00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,000
Lovely to see you, Lynne.
204
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:06,520
Why not just have me chased
down the street by a helicopter
in wet underpants?
205
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:10,360
Me, not the helicopter!
I wouldn't put it past you.
206
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:16,120
Some sicko would buy that.
A helicopter in giant underpants...
207
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:20,840
or a plane in a giant bra
having a slash on an airport.
208
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:29,400
Why did you say I had panic attacks?
It sounded like I had a breakdown.
209
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:34,840
You DID! You drove to Dundee
in bare feet! I know what happened!
210
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,720
You make me sound mad now!
211
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:43,760
Say, "I didn't have a breakdown."
You didn't have a breakdown. I know!
212
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,640
I'm OK. I'm OK.
Let's get a couple of Soleros.
213
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:55,800
I'll get my head together.
There's Siobhan. Right!
I'll box her in and drop my price!
214
00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:00,960
INTO ME! I'm all right. Your airbag
went off! Why didn't mine, Lynne?!
215
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:06,120
I can't move my head! It's not
going! Calm down, Lynne! CALM DOWN!
216
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:10,360
HE PRESSES THE HORN
HEY! HEY! HEY! CALM DOWN, LYNNE!
217
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:17,360
It's woman's whiplash! It's normal.
YOUR airbag's deployed -
mine hasn't!
218
00:18:18,360 --> 00:18:20,400
Ohhh!
219
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:29,520
YOU haven't got whiplash.
MY head was on the headrest.
YOU were leaning forwards...
220
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:33,440
like that, crashing like a mouse.
You all right?
221
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:40,480
I...I've just got minor whiplash.
I told her that. You need
to take her to hospital, Alan.
222
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,520
Mm. I know.
This has put things in perspective -
223
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:50,440
I will do the video for the same
amount as last time...to help Lynne.
224
00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:54,840
You should take her to hospital.
We'll chat later.
225
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:59,240
This is probably on CCTV,
so I WILL throw the footage in.
226
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,600
It's only minor,
but you could start small
227
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:07,960
and build to a big one...like a HUGE
lorry sliding on its back for AGES.
228
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,840
I'll take my top off. I'm babbling.
229
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:15,160
All right. Bye-bye. I'll talk later.
(She goes on a bit!)
230
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,680
Huh?
231
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:20,280
Weird, isn't it?
232
00:19:20,280 --> 00:19:25,960
All that powder - you look like a
clown! DON'T! You've a broken neck!
233
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:34,760
Here we are.
Make yourselves comfortable. I'll
give you a shout when we're ready.
234
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:39,640
Anything you need, just let me know,
Alan. Or you, Mrs Partridge.
235
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:43,520
She's not my wife!
Hate it when that happens.
236
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,120
Lynne?
237
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:49,760
Can you pop to the shops
and get me...two packets of Toffos?
238
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,200
I heard you were here! Phil Wiley!
239
00:19:55,200 --> 00:20:01,880
We were at school together?
Yes! You were in my class!
Alison Partridge! No...Alan!
240
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,200
We called you Alison.
Oh. I didn't know.
241
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:11,640
So what are YOU doing
hanging round here? Bit weird!
I'm one of the big boys now.
242
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:16,080
What? A prefect?
No, Alan. I teach here. Oh, right!
243
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:21,360
Remember when you caught me in the
dark room with the lab assistant?
244
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:26,280
What on earth were you doing there?
Developing photographs!
245
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,480
Cos that's what it was FOR!
246
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:33,240
Then there was the day
that you got caned. Yeah.
247
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:39,880
I got a chalk penis
drawn on my back by some shit!
I'd love to get my hands on him.
248
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:42,280
That was me! I know it was!
249
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:49,000
I really admire teachers -
it's very heroic. To do what you do
for such RUBBISH money!
250
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:55,360
Tell me something -
exactly HOW much do you earn?
I'm earning more than you think.
251
00:20:55,360 --> 00:21:02,960
I'm head of modern languages.
Ich weiss nicht was
soll es bedeuten... Yeah.
252
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,680
I have a girlfriend!
253
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:12,400
I've got a wife.
Is she older or younger than you?
254
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,240
If you must know, Alan, she's 52.
255
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:20,960
My girlfriend's 33. I'm 47 -
she's 14 years younger than me!
256
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,160
Back of the net!
257
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:32,240
Right. I'll put you in the room
and get the kids. Don't draw a cock!
258
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,040
Hi, kids! It's great to be back
in my old school.
259
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:44,080
I nearly sent my son here, but
I was able to educate him privately.
260
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:47,920
You can't muck about
when it comes to your own.
261
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:53,440
Let me tell you about myself. I
present a military-based quiz show
262
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:56,800
on the daytime digital channel,
UK Conquest.
263
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:01,480
It's got 8,000 viewers -
let me put that in perspective.
264
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:05,000
It's 11 times
the population of Hemsby.
265
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,760
Terrestrial TV is a dead duck.
266
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:16,000
Who watches a dead duck?
Not even its mother -
she flies off, depressed.
267
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:22,080
I'm going to show you an example
of the kind of video that I make.
268
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:27,880
There are some strobe effects in it,
so any epileptics - get out now.
269
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:31,880
Statistically, one of you is...
and two are gay.
270
00:22:33,120 --> 00:22:37,360
If you ARE gay,
please remember - rubber up!
271
00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:45,800
At your age, it's illegal. You
don't want to go to prison. Those
guys don't care how old you are...
272
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,520
or if you're gay.
This WAS filmed two years ago,
273
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:52,880
and I have let myself go a little.
274
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,800
'CRASH!
275
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,080
'BANG!
276
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,680
'WALLOP!
277
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:04,600
'What a video!'
278
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:11,560
Hi! I'm Alan Partridge and I drive
a car, but not like THIS!
279
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:19,560
Look at what this idiot did...
in America.
280
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,440
Thankfully, that man was plastic.
281
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:32,760
Stop giggling
or I'll take down YOUR particulars!
282
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,640
What if he hadn't been...plastic?
283
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,680
ROCK MUSIC SOUNDTRACK
284
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:10,120
Thank you - a very interesting talk.
Anyone any questions?
285
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:16,640
This guy caned me
for drawing a penis on my back,
which isn't possible.
286
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,320
We'll have coffee next door...
I'll show you -
287
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:22,680
it's impossible... Watch.
288
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,840
See?
289
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:33,760
You've managed it, Alan!
Yours had more detail -
290
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:37,560
hairs at the base
and a dotted line at the crown.
291
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:44,200
See this guy?
He got the lab assistant pregnant -
he never sees the kid!
292
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,440
Back of the net!
293
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:57,400
That was appalling - you've placed
me in a rather invidious position.
294
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:02,440
Don't know that word - carry on.
We're left with your detritus!
295
00:25:02,440 --> 00:25:08,280
Knock it off with the fancy words!
Say it like it is - it went tits up!
296
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:15,640
You speak like you're from the
19th century...AND you sweat! I'd
like to see YOU sweat over your
work!
297
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,680
I don't because I use Lynx Africa.
298
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:24,960
Gonna cane me? No, but I might
throw a chair at you.
299
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:29,800
It's still corporal punishment.
See you in Strasbourg!
300
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:37,240
Tonight, we're talking about coffee.
Really? They're opening a Starbucks
on Beachy Head.
301
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:42,840
Nice. Have a cup of coffee, admire
the view, put a spring in your step!
302
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:47,640
That's the last thing you need.
It's a suicide hot spot.
303
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,080
What, Starbucks?!
304
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:56,240
How're you gonna kill yourself in
Starbucks? Shotgun in your mouth?
305
00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,960
Alan? There's that teacher chap.
Michael?
306
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:04,640
If he hits me, will you hit him
first? I canna hit customers!
307
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:10,440
I'll go and get some stock.
Yeah! CHICKEN stock! Hello, Alan.
308
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:13,400
Lynne? Hand me the apple pie...
309
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:17,560
and exit the theatre of conflict.
What d'you mean?
310
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,120
Go stand by the Yakults.
311
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:25,040
The temperature in this
apple turnover is 1,000 degrees!
312
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:32,320
If I squeeze it,
a jet of molten Bramley apple
is going to squirt out.
313
00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:39,840
Could go YOUR way - could go mine.
Either way, one of us is going down!
Alan, I've just come to make peace.
314
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:47,520
You won't kick my head in? No!
Let's shake hands. You've not got
an...? Electric buzzer? No.
315
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,440
Z-Z-Zang! Ahhh! You're all right!
316
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:53,560
AAAGH! JESUS! GOD!
317
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:57,400
How long did you put this in for?
Eight minutes.
318
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:01,600
It's hotter than the sun!
OK, I'm gonna go now.
319
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:07,240
No hard feelings? Yeah. OK. Have
a Yorkie for the glove box. Yeah?
320
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:10,000
All right, I will. Take care.
321
00:27:12,520 --> 00:27:15,680
Lynne, that is NOT a penis.
322
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:21,440
It's the best I could do. It tapers
at the end - like a mouse's head.
323
00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:26,240
- That bloke's just told him.
- What's on your back?
324
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,840
BUZZ! CLUNK!
Open the door!
325
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:36,320
OPEN IT! Michael says
there are enough supplies in here
to last three weeks!
326
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,840
Want a Mars Bar? Swivel!
327
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:45,520
Come in for a Twix, I'll stick
one in your eye and your ear
328
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:49,760
and one up your bum.
But I won't use a second packet.
329
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:53,520
Right.
I'd use a four-fingered one...
330
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:56,520
and save one for myself...
331
00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,800
having washed my hands.
332
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:03,400
I've just remembered
I've got a radio show to do.
333
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:08,440
So, make friends and then
I can be on my way? Please?
334
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:14,080
IF YOU LET ME GO,
I WILL GIVE YOU £200 IN CASH!
335
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:16,320
Or a cheque for 230.
336
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:20,800
I imagine it's a month's wages -
to someone like you?
337
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,640
Hello?
338
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:27,440
'Is Alan OK?
He doesn't want a stunt man.
339
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:30,280
'Scum On The Run, scene 8 - take 1.'
340
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,800
ROCK MUSIC
30738
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