All language subtitles for The Addams Family (1964) — 2x22 — Happy Birthday, Grandma Frump

They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

It's no use.
Nothing seems to calm my nerves.

Mine either.

I couldn't believe my eyes
when we drove past and saw them

holding the charity bazaar
without even calling on us,

or even informing us.

Darling, it was probably an oversight.

Maybe they called and we weren't home.

Impossible. Watch this.

Thing never misses a phone call.
Sorry, Thing. False alarm.

What reason could they possibly have
for not letting us know?

We've always donated
more than our share.

Who else would give them a beautiful
stuffed python crushing a water buffalo?

Or the chopping block of Ivan the Terrible,
with the original nick still in it?

I even threw in the henchmen's ax
that made those nicks.

You didn't.

Well, I got carried away.

Darling, you're generous to a fault.

That's true. Did you see some of the junk
the other people gave?

It certainly takes no imagination
to donate an original Van Gogh.

Right. Now, if someone donated his ear...

The trouble is it's for such a worthy cause,

a new home for the aged.

I feel we should do our share.

Well, if that's all that's worrying you,
forget it. It's all taken care of.

I'm building a home for the aged
of our own.

Darling, how wonderful.

There'll be a special ramp
just for skateboarding.

What about tennis courts?

Tennis courts and a polo field.

Darling, you're wonderful.

You'll put that other home
right out of business.

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to surprise you.

- Mother. Father.
- Mother. Father.

Darling, the children.

- What's that for?
- For later. I don't want to lose my place.

Yes, children, it is a lovely day.

Hello, Mother. Hello, Father.

- Hello.
- Hello, darlings.

We found a picture,
but we don't know whose it is.

Sure is a slick looker.

- Well, probably me.
- It's a she.

Here she is, Mother. Isn't she beautiful?

Sure has pretty hair.

And a nice smile.

Why, that's my mother.

Your Granny Frump.

That's Granny Frump?

When she was a teenager.

- Sure is pretty.
- A dazzler.

Sure has changed.

Well, darling, you have to remember,
she's a lot older now.

I wish she was still as pretty.

She is. Except now, it's on the inside.

On the inside?

I'll show you. There.

Ever see anything
more beautiful than that?

I have a lovely idea.
Next week is my mother's birthday,

and with Grandmama Addams
vacationing on Devil's Island,

why don't I call on Granny Frump
and have her spend a few days with us?

By all means.

And for her birthday, we could send her
to Barbara Benson's Beauty Farm.

Perhaps in a week or two,

they could bring some of her beauty back
and put it on the outside.

It would probably be more
like a year or two.

Why quibble about time?

It's only money, and besides,
nothing's too good for your mother.

It'd be worth anything
to see her look like that again.

Well, you can't expect miracles, darling.

I'll call Granny
and ask her to come and stay with us.

But I want her birthday present
to be a surprise until her birthday.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- You promise?
- Cross my heart.

- Me, too.
- That's wonderful, children.

Now, run out into the kitchen
and get a snack.

Lurch has baked
a lovely souffl� of aardvark.

Couldn't I just have
a little bowl of sea slug?

For dessert, darling, for dessert.

Now to find my place.

Mrs. Frump.

Lurch, you sure look terrible.

- Mother!
- Morticia.

Mother.

You look terrible, too.
Well, don't just stand there, take the bags.

Oh, Mother, I told you not to.

Well, I had to buy something
for the children.

You spoil them dreadfully.
Lurch, put that up in the guest room.

I'll show it to the children later.
They get such a thrill out of your gifts.

Granny Frump, I thought I heard you.

Stop slobbering. Let me look at you.
You look worst of all.

- It's this light.
- Nothing wrong with the light.

- That's the trouble.
- I'll call the children.

No, no. I'll go up and surprise them.
Maybe scare them a little.

424, 425,

426.

All right, Agent Double-000,

are you going to tell me
what I want to know?

No.

Surprise.

Granny!

Say, you kids look like a couple of ghosts.

Gosh, thanks, Granny.

What're you doing?

Playing Chinese water torture.

Nice game. Clean, too.

Granny, are you in for a big surprise.

I am?

Remember, Pugsley,
you crossed your heart.

I wasn't going to tell her anything,

except that Mother and Father
are going to send her away.

Send me away? Where to?

That's the secret.

I bet it's the jungle.
That hot, steaming jungle.

Great for my sinuses. Well, gotta unpack.

Wait till you kids see what I brought you.
Really kill you.

Hi, Granny.

What're you doing?

I'm manicuring my fingernails.

Fear I have a little too much iron
in my blood.

Gomez and Morticia are planning
to send me away. Happen to know where?

I didn't hear anything.

Not even a hint?

Well, let's see, yesterday they were
talking about a bazaar

and a home for the aged.

Oh, no.

They're not planning to send me away,
they're planning to put me away.

Well, what's the difference? Send or put?

When Morticia wanted to go to work
at the age of 10, did I stop her? No.

When she had pneumonia and wanted
to run out in the snow and play,

did I stop her? No.

When she tried to run away from home,
did I stop her? No.

And what's my reward?
An old folk's home.

Well, that's it. A perfect gift
for a person who has everything.

There you are, Gomez, darling.

I wanted you to send a check
to Barbara Benson's Beauty Farm.

I've arranged for my mother
to stay there for two weeks.

I know it's the best birthday present
we can possibly give her.

I'll make a memo so I don't forget.

What's all this other paperwork, dear?

Some notes and plans
for my home for the aged.

I've added an ice skating rink
and a ski jump for winter sports.

How thoughtful.

Here's the combination
kitchen and garage,

and there's the recreation room
and discotheque.

- For men or women?
- Both.

- Together?
- Querida, you're forgetting,

this is a home for the aged.

You wicked man.

Fester, I just know I'm right.

I just know they're planning
to put me out to pasture.

Well, you are the outdoor type.

Look.

"Home for the aged"! Look at this.

"Send check to cover
Granny's reservation."

You see, you were afraid they were
gonna put you out to pasture.

They're just going to send you
to a reservation.

No, no. They're going to send me
to a home for the aged,

and I don't want to go.

Hey, maybe if you show them
how much pep you still got,

you know, make yourself useful
around the house.

Oh, Fester, I could just kiss you.

I was only trying to help.

Are you all right, deary?

If there's anything you want,
let me get it for you.

- Just fine, Mother.
- That's just your imagination.

I'll fix you a little snack.

Some porcupine cookies,
a bit of mongoose broth.

I just had lunch, dear.

Well, how about an ottoman for your feet?
Shall I open the window?

- But the window is open.
- Then I'll close it.

Well, of course, it's chilly in here.
I'll get you a blanket, too. A nice itchy one.

Gomez.

Gomez, darling.

That name. It drives me wild.
Especially when I'm shaving.

I'm sorry. I didn't see you, Gomez.
I'll get a double blanket for you.

What's the matter with her?

I was just going to ask you that.

Glad I asked first.

She's probably still a bit upset
after her trip.

Two weeks at the beauty farm
should help.

Can't hurt.

There, that'll keep you both warm.

Mother, why don't you go downstairs
to the playroom

and stretch out on the bed of nails?

You need a little relaxation.

Me, relax? Never. Go, go, go. That's me.

Give me that. Just love to dust
and do things around the house.

- Mother.
- Just call me busy fingers.

I think I'll dust my way
right up to the attic,

and when I finish that, I'll do the yard.

Just gotta keep go, go, going.
Go, go, go, go.

Dusting the yard? That's ridiculous.

Of course it is. Lurch has already dusted it.

Yes, Lurch, what is it?

Mrs. Frump,

washed the clothes,
polished the silverware.

I think I better have a talk
with my mother.

You know, deep inside,
she's really a wonderful person.

Of course she is.
You can tell by her picture.

- Mother.
- Doing dishes.

Yesiree, Bob! That's the life.

I like drying them even better.

Well, that's that. Fixed dinner for tonight,

dinner for tomorrow's cooking,
ordered groceries for a month,

set the table
and packed the children's lunch.

Well, I heard Lurch say
the car's been acting up.

Think I'll give it a good overhauling.

Mother.

- Sorry. Too busy.
- Mother, Mother.

Now, listen, you've got to stop trying
to do so much.

Think I'm too old? Ridiculous.

Mother, Mother. No, darling, it isn't that.

It's just that this is Lurch's domain
and he feels you're invading it.

Besides, you should relax more
at your age.

At my age? I never felt better in my life.
Until just now.

Don't worry, Granny Frump,
I'll cheer you up.

How?

By reciting the poem I wrote.

"I have a gloomy little spider

"I love to sit down close beside her

"She never knows where she has been
'Cause all she does is spin and spin

"My spider's quite a busy roamer

"Which is why I called her Homer

"She loves to work and spin all day

"And then, at night, she likes to play

"Her web is like my mother's hair

"Her eyes have got my father's stare

"She may not jump, or twist, or bend

"But a spider's a girl's best friend"

Did you like it?

It's sweet, but I'm still sad.

This is my favorite picture of you
when you were so young and beautiful.

Were? I still am.

Oh, sure, but now it's only on the inside.

Inside, huh?

Well, I'm gonna put it on the outside.

Hi.

I don't believe it.

- You don't believe what?
- See for yourself.

I don't believe it.

Yes.

Yes, we appreciate that.

Then we'll expect you right after dinner?

Thank you very much.

Goodbye.

That's the hardest phone call
I've ever had to make.

Yes, a far cry from making reservations
for your mother at Barbara Benson's

to making them
at the Happy Valley Institute.

I just hope we did the right thing.

Well, you saw for yourself.
Pogo sticks, jump rope.

Right now,
she's upstairs playing cops and robbers.

Stick 'em up!

Don't worry, querida,
Dr. Jonley has a fine reputation.

One look at Granny,
and he'll know exactly what to do for her.

Oh, Gomez,

I don't know what would've become of me
if I hadn't met you.

You were fortunate, my dear.

How about a go at the trains, just to relax?

Splendid idea.

I'll operate the switches.
You can blow up the train.

Oh, no, darling, you blow up the trains.
I know how you love those wrecks.

Naturally.
I had one go through the ceiling yesterday.

- You didn't.
- Oh, yeah.

Shower of plaster and everything.

You've been practicing.

Used some of Pugsley's TNT.

Young fellow really knows
how to mix an explosive.

Makes a mother proud.

All right, my dear, as soon
as the last car clears this tunnel,

count three and...

- Wonderful.
- All right, start them up.

Faster. Faster.

Let them go wild.

Maybe one of them will fly off the track.

Yes, darling, yes. I love runaway trains.

All right, now,
as soon as the train clears the tunnel...

Now, that's what I call a real mystery.

Fester must have been fooling around
with this.

Something like this always happens
when he does.

Beautiful.

Didn't hit the ceiling.

Darling, you can't win them all.

How do you do, Mrs. Addams?
I'm Dr. Jonley.

I'm Mr. Addams. This is Mrs. Addams.

Oh, I'm so sorry. It must be the light,
or maybe it's my glasses.

It is my glasses. I'm not wearing them.
I'm so sorry. I'm Dr. Jonley.

- How do you do, Mrs. Addams?
- How do you do?

- Won't you come in?
- Thank you.

Doctor, we asked you to stop by

because a member of our family
has been behaving, well, strangely.

I understand.

And we thought perhaps by your talking...

Hi!

Oh, he should be put away immediately.

Oh, no, he's not the one.

Fester, this is the head...

Oh, I'm sorry, I got no time now.

Big news. Gotta see Granny.

Well, nice talking to you.

Dear, would you tell Granny
we'd like to see her?

Roger. Bye!

Are you sure he's not the one?

Just a minute.

Come in.

Okay, you can forget the kid stuff.

I wish I could. It's making me old fast.

Well, I got big news for you.

You mean they're gonna
send me away anyway?

Yep, but not to the home for the aged.

That's something that Gomez is building.

They're sending you to a beauty farm.

A beauty farm?

Yeah, it was a surprise, but I got
Pugsley and Wednesday to tell me.

What a relief.

Yeah, they wanna see you downstairs.

There's some fella there.
I think he runs the place.

Just a minute.

One thing I don't understand.

What's that?

Why they wanna send me
to a beauty farm.

Pogo stick.

The jumping rope.

They're typical regressions
to a second childhood.

Yes, yes, yes, these things are very
difficult to handle at the home level.

But at Happy Valley,

there's something wrong with a patient
who isn't jumping rope

or dancing the Watusi.

Morticia? Oh, there you are.

Mother, this gentleman is here...

You needn't explain, Morticia.

I know all about the place,
and I'm all for it.

You are?

Oh, well, isn't that nice?

Could be a real lifesaver.

Oh, Gomez, I'm not that bad.

- Am I?
- No, no, no, not at all.

These cases have to be handled
with kid gloves.

Who told you about our place?

Oh, I've heard about it for years.
Some of my best friends have been there.

Granny, we don't want you to get the idea
that we're trying to get rid of you.

Get rid of me? Why, I want to go.

There's one thing
we must insist on, though,

and that's a quiet room.

I do hope your walls are well insulated.

We have a few
where the walls are padded.

Oh, Gomez, I don't know how much extra
it would cost,

but I would certainly like
to have one of those.

One padded room coming up.

Oh, I may never want to leave. Let's go.

You can ship my things, Morticia.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Looks like we did the right thing.

Oh, the poor dear,
she's further gone than I thought.

Well, as long as it makes her happy.

Tokyo, Fujiyama

Osaka

It's a little something I composed, darling.
Do you like it?

I don't know about the melody,
but I love the words.

Yes, the words are the best part.

Darling, you've been hanging there
for three hours.

Aren't you getting a little tired?

Tired? This is the perfect way to relax.

Mail's in.

Thank you, Thing.

It's from my mother.

How's she getting along?

She's doing nicely. Listen to this.

"I really like this place.
You meet a very nice class of people.

"Though I'm looking much better,

"Dr. Jonley thinks I might have to stay
a lot longer than he thought.

"Love, Mother."

I knew it. It's her kind of place.

Mother, what are you doing here?

Some beauty farm.

There wasn't a person there
who could give me a permanent.

Don't worry, darling,

I can tell just by looking at you
that you're all well.