All language subtitles for The Addams Family (1964) — 1x30 — Progress and the Addams Family

Oh, you tempestuous Latins.

I think you made me drop a stitch.

I'm sure Cousin Plato wouldn't mind.

- What are you fashioning for the lad?
- A ski cap.

- Do you think he'll like it?
- How could he help it?

When you block it, remember
old Plato's left head is size six

and his right one
is eight and three quarters.

Yes, it does give him a lovely tilt.

- Uncle Fester, dear, is something wrong?
- Plenty.

What's the matter, old man?

Every time you come back from town,
you're not your usual sunny self.

That ex-insurance man of ours.

- Commissioner Henson?
- Yeah. Well, he's ruining our city.

He's putting fresh paint
on all the public buildings.

- Whatever for?
- To hide the soot.

Cover up... But the soot's the only thing
that's giving those buildings character.

And not only that,
they're putting in a new freeway.

A freeway? Through our fair city?

You know, it's things like that
that make you stop and think.

I'll be up in my closet, thinking.

Mail's in.

Thank you, Thing.

Oh! It's from the City Hall.

I wonder what they're doing writing to us?

Well, this is the time
they select the man of the year.

I suppose I'll have to resign myself
to another giddy round of speechmaking

and chicken a la king.

Darling, I'm afraid this isn't an invitation
to become the man of the year.

What is it?

It's a condemnation of our property
and eviction notice.

You're joshing.

It seems the new freeway is coming right
through our living room.

Won't that crowd us a bit?

Fear not, querida mia.

No city in its right mind
would want to ruin this fine old mansion.

This notice was obviously sent in error.

I'm sure you're right, darling.

Reminds me, dear.
Better get that hole in the ceiling fixed.

Come on now, Cleopatra, darling,
you must eat something.

Look, this nice lamb chop
will put the color back in your leaves.

Oh, darling, there's no need to pout.

Just because Lurch put on a blue patty
instead of a nice pink one.

- Gomez, darling, is that you?
- No. I'm in here contemplating.

Darling, I hate to interrupt your Zen-Yogi,
but...

Don't talk, darling.
Just stand there and let me look at you.

You were never lovelier.

And you're so handsome, darling.

With the blue blood of Spanish aristocracy
rushing to your cranium.

Gomez, did you hear an explosion
a moment ago?

Oh, that.

Probably Uncle Fester
down in the basement

testing for gas leaks with a lighted match.

Oh, I suppose you're right.

There goes another one.

My goodness,
I do hope he doesn't blow himself up.

I hope not. He's wearing my best socks.

But que ser ser.

That reminds me, dear.
We got another letter from the City.

- And guess what?
- What, querida, what?

Thing tore it up.

That Thing. Always on his toes.

I think we'd better call the gas company.

Gomez, I wish you'd stop making
that racket.

You got my new crocodile so nervous
he started chasing his tail

and he rolled right out the window.

We didn't make that noise, Fester.
We thought it was you.

Testing for gas leaks.

It must be Pugsley.

Can't be Pugsley. He and Wednesday
are out hunting toadstools.

This is very baffling.

That last explosion
shook the whole neighborhood.

Well, here's our next customer.

I feel guilty getting paid for this one.

You're right, chief.

Getting rid of a monstrosity
like the old Addams house

comes under the heading
of sheer pleasure.

Well, that highway commissioner of ours

might not be the greatest brain
in the world,

but deliberately routing the freeway
through here is a stroke of genius.

You're not kidding, chief. Next time
he runs, I'm gonna vote for him. Twice.

I'll match you
to see who pushes the plunger.

Thing! I saw him with a gun this morning.

Thing.

Thing?

Thing?

Have you been shooting your gun?

Hold on. Let me see the gun.

I can tell if it's been fired
just by smelling it.

Just as I thought.

Are you sure, Fester?
Thing has never lied before.

Besides, all those loud noises couldn't
possibly be made by such a small gun.

Oh, no? Well, hold on to your hat.

I still think Thing...

This is getting irksome.

Just when I had the decor arranged
so perfectly, too.

Oh, I like it this way. It's kind of lived in.

Uncle Fester, dear, there's such a thing
as too much informality.

Now we're getting closer.

Well, they said it couldn't be done,
but I did it.

- Did what, Mama?
- Invented artificial thunder.

- Didn't you hear it?
- You mean you produced those blasts?

I always knew that all I had to do

was rub these sticks together
hard enough.

Hey! Why don't we patent it
and form a corporation?

Capital idea, Fester! Who'll buy thunder?

Oh, forget it.

Mama, would you grace us
with an on-the-spot demonstration?

Well, try and stop me, but stand back.

We'll need six sticks of dynamite
for the entrance here.

Better make it eight sticks.

We wanna blow this dump so high
that you'll...

Sir, what is the meaning of this intrusion?

Don't bother with the small talk.

I'll shoot him in the back.

Would you mind turning around, please?

Certainly not.

I'll thank you to stand still.

Uncle Fester, please.

Fester, this man may be a trespasser
and a saboteur, but he is our guest.

Saboteur? What are you talking about?
I'm just following orders.

Orders?
Do you suppose he's an enemy agent?

If you expect mercy, young man,
you'd better come clean.

What country are you working for?

I don't work for any country.
I work for the City.

Blowing people to bits?

It must be a civil service job.

Wait a minute.
What are you people doing here?

- Didn't you get a notice to vacate?
- Notice?

You don't expect us
to take that absurd notice seriously?

That ridiculous missive was an insult
to one's intelligence.

I'll shoot him in the back.

Uncle Fester, please. We do not go around
shooting people in the back.

- The side?
- A fair fight or nothing.

Okay. Nothing.

You take this message back
to your superior.

Tell him if he wants to build a freeway
through our lovely home,

he'll have to blow us up first.

That is, he'll have to make other plans.

- You rang?
- Show the gentleman out.

Well, that's that.

And despite your position
as commissioner,

I hereby warn you that

any further trespass by your hired vandals

will be resisted to the utmost.

Commissioner, if you don't mind,
I'll wait out here.

As you wish.

But I assure you, Arthur J. Henson
can handle a dozen Addamses.

Well, a half dozen.

PS, I always knew you were a corrupt,
hypocritical old windbag.

I do hope he doesn't take
that last part personally.

How could he?

His Honor, the Commissioner.

I'm sure he's come to offer his apologies.

I guess the hypocritical old windbag
isn't such a bad fellow after all.

You can cancel that letter, Thing.

Addams, what is the meaning of this?

The City sent you a check
for this property.

- Your apology is accepted.
- My...

And here you are,
disregarding official notices,

obstructing a man in his duties,
actually threatening a City employee.

Thing, you'd better uncrumple that letter.

Sir, your attitude is hardly apt
to get our votes at the next election.

Having trouble with our saboteur again?
Say, you've gained weight.

Fester, this is a different man.

Aren't you Henson? We're surrounded!

Uncle Fester, please, put the gun away.

All right, go ahead. Coddle him.

See here, you can't fight this.
The City is well within its rights.

I give you just 24 hours to vacate these

premises.

Thing, please. Remember your breeding.

My dear, don't be too hard on Thing.

After all, this is his home, too.
He was trying to defend it.

You mean to tell me that, that thing
understood what I was talking about?

You certainly made it plain enough.

Well, enough of this nonsense.

Remember, 24 hours.

You cannot stop the wheels of progress.

Thank you.

Well, if the City wants a fight,

they'll find me ready
with the old corpus delicti.

Good thing
I kept my old law library around.

Let's see here.

Property Rights From Magna Carta
to the Present.

What luck.

I'd completely forgotten that I'd converted
Property Rights into a humidor.

I thought Lurch was filching my cigars.

We're off to a fine start.

A victory
before we've even opened the case.

Darling, that reminds me.

Wear it. It'll be very appropriate.

The wig of lord Chief Justice
Sir Anthony Cliveden Addams.

No, lady Abigail Cliveden Addams.

Oh.

I see you're still sticking pins
in the Commissioner.

Well, we can't take this thing lying down.

- Attention, everyone.
- Darling, you've found something?

I have gone through the city ordinances,

the Bill of Rights and the 17 volumes
of assorted jurisprudence,

and I have come to a conclusion.

- What?
- We haven't got a leg to stand on.

- Not even if we bribe the judge?
- Uncle Fester!

- The jury?
- Out of the question.

Well, you can't win 'em all.

They're blasting tomorrow
whether we're in the house or not.

Oh, dear, and we're such late sleepers.

Hey. Why don't we just move this house
to another spot?

Uncle Fester, that's a brilliant idea!

- Old man, you've done it again.
- I have?

I know just the spot.
That lot Hornsby has up for sale.

That's right next door
to the Commissioner's house.

My dear, at a time like this
we can't afford to be choosy.

It's not that,
but that lot doesn't have any caves,

and then no quicksand, no swamp.

Fester, what's a swamp?

A bunch of mud, slime and stench.

We'll build our own.

Thank you, Thing.

Hello, Hornsby? Addams here.

How much do you want for that lot?

$9,750?

Why don't we make it $10,000 even?

I hate to write checks for odd amounts.

Good, then it's a deal.

Well, the property is ours.

I'll bet you could have gotten him
to take $11,000.

It pains me to do the Commissioner
such a good turn.

The prices in that area will probably
skyrocket as soon as word leaks out.

Now, darling,
there's no sense in bearing grudges.

Why don't we call
the Commissioner and Mrs. Henson

and tell them to come over
and hear the good news?

Capital idea! The good neighbor policy.

Wait here.

Arthur, let's get out of here.

Now, please, Phoebe, with victory in sight,
don't start rocking the boat.

I don't want to rock the boat,
I want to get off.

Look, they are moving.

With any luck, to outer Mongolia.
I'd even pay their fare.

One way.

Oh, welcome.

Come on, dear.

Good evening, Commissioner Henson.
How are you?

Mrs. Henson, I presume?

- Yes.
- This is Mrs. Addams.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

So nice of you to come.
Won't you step in, please?

And do be seated.

I was just telling Arthur.
Your home, it's so

you.

Oh, how sweet of you to notice.

- Darling, do ring for Lurch.
- Yes!

Thank you, Lurch.

Tea?

Salt, pepper, or cyanide?

Neither.

Thank you, darling.

But you've never tasted Morticia's tea.

She picks the tiny, delicate
wolfbane leaves herself.

Addams, I must say, you're taking
this eviction like a good sport.

Well, nobody could say that
an Addams stood in the way of progress.

Although I must admit
Uncle Fester is a bit upset.

Yes, you see, there are no caves
or swamps on our new property.

But we do have plans for building our own.

That is, if our neighbors don't object.

Any man who would object
to having a swamp right next to his home

is a petty individual indeed.

Glad to hear you say that, Commissioner.

We love animals and we're planning
a mud wallow for our hippopotamus.

Arthur and I just adore animals, too.

Neighbor.

No, no. I mean,
you're not going to move in next to...

- To us?
- Right smack.

Gomez, darling, when are the men
going to start moving the house?

Soon as I finish battening down
these fine old heirlooms, we're off.

My dear, you should wear goggles.

This house gets awfully windy
when it hits the open road.

I think I'll like that.

- Seatbelts.
- The only way to ride.

Where are the children, dear?

They're fine. They're riding on the roof.

I do hope they don't get carsick.

- Is Lurch with them?
- Oh, no.

He likes to ride
with his head out the window

and growl at the passing cars.

Oh, boy. This is gonna be fun,
looking out the window.

- Thing. Where's Thing?
- Up in the mover's truck.

- In the mover's truck?
- In the glove compartment.

Dear, sensible Thing.

Hang on, everybody.

All right.

Mush!

- Hey, this is more fun than the trailer.
- I love to see the sights.

I wonder what those people are staring at.

Well, they probably
never saw a stately mansion

rounding the corner on two wheels before.

- They've stopped.
- Probably picking up some hitchhikers.

Well, fancy that.
The City Commissioner hitchhiking.

Sit down, old man.

I'm sorry we have no more seatbelts.

I didn't come for any ride.

Well, it might do you some good.

You look like you've been run
through a meat grinder.

Worse. I mean, I've been up all night
with the City Council and we've...

Well, that is, I've finally persuaded them
to reroute the new freeway.

You don't have to move after all.

That's rather disappointing.

I was so looking forward to having
you and Mrs. Henson as neighbors.

Mrs. Henson is heartsick.

- Into each life some rain must fall.
- Yes.

And about that lot you're stuck with.

I'm willing to take it off your hands.

Isn't he sweet?

Salt of the earth.
But we couldn't let you do it.

We'll find some use for it.

We could use it for a launching pad.

Little Pugsley makes the coolest rockets.

It'd be a wonderful place for me
to practice my bagpipes.

Dear Mama. She spends half the night
tootling away on those things.

Too bad she doesn't know
how to play 'em.

I insist.
I'll see that you get back your $10,000.

Nonsense.

- $11,000!
- Please, you're embarrassing us.

- $12,000?
- But really...

$15,000. I beg you. $15,000.

Well, we'll have
to return the favor sometime.

Well, I'm not in the habit
of accepting charity, Mr. Commissioner,

but in your case I'll make an exception.
It's yours for $15,000.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

You'll have my check first thing
in the morning.

Now I'll go and tell the movers
to turn around.

Well, that won't be necessary.
Just tell him to throw it into reverse.

$5,000 profit. Not a bad day's work, huh?

I think we can all learn a valuable lesson
from this.

You never lose by being a good neighbor.

Dear Thing. He's such a homebody.

Strange that the City Council
should finally send the freeway

straight through the mayor's house.

- Was he upset?
- No, he said he was happy.

- Considering what might have happened.
- "Might have happened"?

Oh, he probably means the moving
of this classic structure

from its natural surroundings.

It's a pity.

He did seem so eager about that swamp
we were going to build.

Oh, well. C'est la vie.

That's French!

Good shot, darling!

Must be the mating season.