All language subtitles for The Addams Family (1964) — 1x17 — Mother Lurch Visits the Addams Family

They're creepy and they're kooky

Mysterious and spooky

They're altogether ooky

The Addams family

The house is a museum

When people come to see 'em

They really are a scream

The Addams family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick you can crawl on

We're gonna pay a call on

The Addams family

- Here you are, darling.
- Thank you, my dear.

GOMEZ: Pull!

Excellent, my dear.

Let's see if you can do this for me, though.

Okay.

My dear.

Pull!

Ole, Ole!

I give up, querida mia.

I simply haven't the dexterity
to squeeze off shots like that.

Now isn't this better than shooting
apples off of Lurch's head?

Much safer and less expensive.

These poor steel-tipped arrows
haven't a chance against Lurch's head.

Incidentally, darling,
does Lurch seem troubled to you?

I spoke to him a few moments ago
and he didn't even answer me.

Didn't act like he heard me.

- Do you suppose he's ill?
- I don't know.

He's been terribly depressed
ever since he got that letter

from his mother this morning.
Not himself at all.

- How could you tell?
- He smiled.

Something has given him a bad turn.

We should find him
and get to the root of it.

More. More.

Oh, gosh, Lurch, give me a turn.
You've been having all the fun.

Lurch, you're relaxing. That's a relief.

We were worried about you.

He says the rack is the only thing
that helps him forget his troubles.

Well, it'll do it every time,

but you do have a problem, eh, old man?

Now, it's not that bad.

Come on, we'll get you off the rack
and we'll talk about it.

Mama, Uncle Fester's fixing
a tasty new dish.

Why don't you run along,
maybe he'll share it with you.

I could stand a snack.

Selfish!

Come on, old man. Speak up.

Now, Lurch, does it have anything to do

with the letter you received
from your mother this morning?

Why, I should think you'd be pleased
that she's going to visit.

We'd love to have her stay with us.

We could put her up
in that nice attic room.

- No.
- No?

I fibbed.

To your mama?

Well, Mr. Addams and I understand.

We understand
about those little white lies

that a roaming son writes his mother.

Lurch, that picture of the house
that you sent to your mother,

you told her it was your house, right?

Well, we always think of you
as one of the family, Lurch.

- A servant.
- A very good servant.

- I'm a liar.
- And a very good liar.

- Gomez!
- Oh, sorry, I got carried away.

Now don't you fret about a thing.

We'll put our heads together
and see what we can do to help you.

We'll call a family conference.

Maybe Uncle Fester can think
of something.

He has a good head on his shoulders.

Too bad Cousin Slimy isn't around.

He has two of them.

I say let's mine the front porch.

I can wire it so it'll blow up
when she pushes the doorbell.

That always discourages
those magazine salesmen.

Not bad, Fester,
but why not just wire the doorbell

with a few thousand volts?
No need to damage the porch.

No, no, darling, that wouldn't be kind.

You let her get all the way to the door
and then disappoint her like that.

- Why not have Lurch play dead?
- Good thinking.

You think Lurch could be convincing?
He looks so alive.

It was a very sweet thought, darling,
but that's true.

Lurch is so vivacious.

His most outstanding characteristic.

I have it.

If Mrs. Lurch thinks
that Lurch is a very important, big man

and owns this house and everything,

why don't we just let her
continue to think so?

Querida mia. Leave it to you,
with your feminine intuition,

- to come up with the correct answer.
- Darling.

Tish, when you pat my cheek
it drives me wild.

You Castilians are so fiery.

Yes, Cousin Manuelo was a pyromaniac.

Darling, later, later.
Let's concentrate on Lurch.

Oh, yes.

- Now...
- Forgive me.

...for the few days that Mrs. Lurch is here,

we'll let her think that Lurch is the head
of the household,

- and we'll be the servants.
- Marvelous.

Do you think I'd make a convincing butler?

Darling, I couldn't imagine a subtler butler.

You'll completely captivate Mrs. Lurch
with your savoir-faire.

Tish, when you speak French,
you know how it affects me.

Later, mon cher, later, not now.
We have to get this thing settled.

Now, I'll be the maid
and Mama will be the cook.

- I will not!
- Mama.

My schoolgirl complexion
may have graduated,

but I'm not gonna get dish-pan hands
for anyone.

I'll stay in the cottage
till that woman leaves.

Excellent idea, Mama,
and you can take the children with you.

Oh, that's a very good idea, dear.

Now, Uncle Fester,

- you can be the gardener.
- Forget it.

But, Uncle Fester, wouldn't you like
to potter around in the back yard,

maybe plant some crabgrass
or stickweed?

I like the back yard just the way it is. Bare.

I'm gonna move out in the cottage
with the others.

Well, I guess it'll just have to be
the two of us.

Darling, we can do it.
Let's go tell Lurch and rehearse our roles.

There you are, madam.

Are you ready for your soup now, sir?

Cara bella!
Oh, Morticia, you're enchanting.

Thank you, kind sir.

Darling, you make a superb butler.

It gives full play
to your courtly Castilian manner.

Oh, Tish, you ravishing creature.

Darling, now,
remember our new positions.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

- Is Lurch ready for his first lesson?
- Yes, he's in the living room now.

Now, remember, darling,
one ring is for you, two rings for me.

Yeah.

That's me.

- You rang?
- You rang?

No, no, Lurch. You rang.

Oh, no, sir.

You rang for me because I'm your butler.

And I'm not "sir," I'm Gomez.

- Now sit down.
- Yes, sir.

Gomez.

Perhaps this will help.

A cigar gives a man that masterful feeling.

Have you ever smoked?

You got a couple of bad leaks there,
old man.

- You better forget the cigars.
- It's no use.

You can do it, Lurch. Just concentrate.

Think big. Think important.

Think that you are
master of all you survey.

Think.

That's it. Splendid, Lurch. You got it.

Now ring for the maid
and demand your breakfast.

You rang?

- Telephone, Gomez.
- Yes, sir. I'll get it, sir.

Please, Lurch. I answer the phone.

Your evening paper, sir.

No, no, Lurch, not the funnies.
The financial page.

Wealthy men always turn
to the financial page first.

I like the funnies.

Very good, Lurch.
You actually sounded masterful then.

Now, as far as pinching the maid...

Perhaps that would be carrying it
a bit too far.

But I don't want your mother
to become suspicious.

Perhaps you'd better
just make eyes at me instead.

Try it, Lurch.

Lurch, as mistress of this house,
I'm ordering you to make eyes at me.

Perhaps you'd better just try
a devilish smile.

Forget it, Lurch. I'm just not your type.

- Your Cognac, sir.
- I never drink.

Nonsense. Gentlemen of quality
always have a brandy after dinner.

It's a sign of sophistication and culture.

Well, he just flunked sophistication.

- Morticia.
- Darling, what do you think?

Cousin Imar asked me
to sew in his college seal.

Princeton.

Beautiful.

Morticia, we've done it.
Lurch just ordered me to shine his shoes.

That's wonderful.

He even reprimanded me this morning.
He said his toast wasn't black enough.

He's completely brainwashed.

The doorbell. That may be his mama now.

- It's Mama.
- All right.

Now you let me
open the door properly, Lurch.

You greet her right here.

- How do you do?
- Where's my boy?

- There you are! Sonny.
- Mama.

There she goes again. That's me.

Two rings. That's me.

Three blasts. It's an all-out
command performance this time.

Let's wait till she makes up her mind.

Sonny, I don't know how you put up
with such miserable servants.

They're never around
when you want them.

She really is a little cyclone.

Not at all what I expected Lurch's mother
to be like.

I haven't sat down since she got here.

What is it, darling?

I'm all kinked up from last night,
sleeping on the divan.

I miss our nice, big bed.

Well, I suppose she was right in saying

that Lurch should have
the master bedroom.

After all, she does think
he's the master of the house.

Well, at least you slept on Lurch's bed
in the attic.

She's really quite insensitive
for such a dear little thing.

Do you know she hates Pugsley's octopus?

Anyone who'd hate an octopus is warped.

She even tried to feed it to Cleopatra.

That's inhuman.

I rescued them just in time.

Let's call off this whole mad charade.

Oh, darling, please be patient.
It's only for a few more days.

You'd better go to her now
before she rings the house down.

Oh, Tish, when you help me with my coat
it goes right through me.

- It's impossible.
- What's impossible?

That blondes have more fun.

You rang?

I don't trust you, Gomez,
you've got shifty eyes

and no good butler wears a moustache.

Sorry, madam, I was born with it.

Where have you been off to?

Some dark corner
with that hussy of a maid?

Sir, I appeal to you.

You don't appeal to him
and you don't appeal to me.

My son is just too sweet and gentle.
People take advantage of him.

You're sloppy and inefficient.

Sir, please tell her.

You're sloppy and inefficient.

Yes, sir. I'll try to do better, sir.

- What kind of monstrosity is that?
- That's Thing, madam.

Well, set a trap for it.
Get it back in that box, nail the lid down.

Yes, madam.

Well, snap to it. You're living
on borrowed time around here.

Mama's going to stay
until she gets things straightened out

around this place.

Big, important men like her sonny
are much too busy

to be bothered running a household.

Yes, Mama.

Thing, I'm sorry I had to nail up
your favorite box,

but you don't realize the spot we're in.

Try to stay...

Try to stay undercover
for the next couple of days, please.

Gomez, darling,
I'm afraid we've made a terrible mistake.

Instead of pleasing Lurch's mother
all we're doing is making her miserable.

Perhaps, but Lurch certainly is happy.

Do you know he's really beginning
to believe that he owns this house?

And that we're his servants?

Just hold out for a couple of more days
and everything will be back to normal.

- Darling, you're so noble and generous.
- That's true.

But, you're every bit as magnanimous,
querida mia.

A-ha!

- Caught in the act!
- Madam, allow us to explain.

No need. I can see the plot now.

You intend
to wheedle Sonny into marriage.

Then you'll do away with him
and marry this shameless witch.

- Then you'll both split his fortune.
- Nonsense.

- Gomez wouldn't harm a fly.
- I've read a lot of detective stories

and the butler is always the one
who does it.

Well, you can forget it all now.
I'm wise to both of you.

You know, the way things are going,
her idea isn't bad.

Those people got to go.

I won't leave this house till I see you
safely set up with decent help.

- Maybe a raise.
- A raise?

- They want all your money.
- They seemed so nice.

Yeah, well, you just call them in
and give them their walking papers.

Just call them in
and tell them they're fired.

- Now! Quick! Git!
- Yes, Mama.

- You rang, sir?
- You're fired.

You mean you're dismissing us?

You're fired.
Now pack your things and git!

Isn't it customary
to give two-weeks notice?

Not to cutthroats and thieves.
On your way! Scoot!

Lurch, do something.

- No, no, I mean, say something.
- Good luck.

- We'll pack our bags at once.
- And leave the silverware.

Good riddance.

And now I'll phone
the Employment Agency,

and get two good replacements
right away.

Yes, Mama.

Why doesn't that woman go home?

I don't like living out here.
It's too crowded.

Maybe Morticia's man-eating plant
will get her.

You're a dreamer.

I'll get it.

Well, here we are.
One big happy family again.

- Did she leave?
- We did. We've been fired.

We'll just have to move in here with you
until she goes home.

But that's ridiculous. How can you
get fired from your own home?

That's an interesting question.

We can't all live in here.
It's too crowded now,

and that old spitfire
will probably stay on for ages.

I won't give up my bed.
I just got the nails nicely broken in.

We really ought to buy another house.
Just for emergencies like this.

I said this whole idea was crazy.
You're both as soft as jellyfish.

Coddling a butler.

Oh, Uncle Fester,
you should see how happy Lurch is.

Well, he should see how miserable we are.

I'm going right up to the house
and straighten this whole mess out.

And I'll go with you.

- It takes a woman to handle a woman.
- Oh, please, Mama.

Please don't do anything to spoil it
now that it's almost over.

Oh, don't worry. She doesn't know us.

We'll tell her
we're the next-door neighbors.

Yeah, we'll tell them
what wonderful servants you are,

that we've had our eye on you for years.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

And that we want you so much
that she'll wanna hire you right back.

Gomez, do you really think
she'll take us back?

If she does I'm gonna ask for a raise.

- Well, you're very prompt.
- Well, now look, Mrs. Lurch...

Well, please, come right in.
You can start at once.

- You don't seem to understand.
- Of course I understand.

You're the new butler
and you're the new maid,

and I must say you're just perfect.

- Oh, well, that's very kind of you...
- A real butler.

Such polish, such poise,
such a continental manner.

I trust you completely.

Oh, well, that's very generous,
you see, but...

- What's the salary?
- Anything you ask.

Price is no object
when you demand quality.

- I'll take it.
- Just a minute.

Now, look, you do what you wanna do,
but I'm back in a decent house

and I'm getting paid for it.

I do hope you'll stay, too.

You're exactly the kind of maid
my son needs.

A mature, sensible woman
who won't be making eyes at him

like the last one did.

Well, maybe I'll try it.

I haven't had a regular income
for a long time.

Wonderful!

Now I can go back home.
I know my son is in good hands.

Well, goodbye, Sonny.

Goodbye, Mama.

Dear Lurch, you were just marvelous.

I'm sure your mother is very proud of you.

Nice work, old man,
you brought it off splendidly.

Where are you two going?

It's all over now.
We're going back into the house.

I'm sorry. Your positions have been filled.

Lurch, please stop playing.

But I love music.

Lurch, we're waiting for you
to serve dinner.

Me?

Serve dinner?

Oh, Lurch, I thought we had you
completely unbrainwashed.

Let's try it again.

- You rang?
- You rang?

Now I'm doing it again.

That was very good, Lurch.
Almost like your old self.

Thank you, Mrs. Addams.

Now would you please serve dinner?

Oh, the poor dear.

This has been a very harrowing experience
for him

but I do think he's his old self again.

Shall we go into dinner, cara bella?

Yes, darling.

Lurch.

You're fired.