Original subtitles

-Wyatt said he's running late. He's on a date.

-Aww, cute. So are they.

[ Both chuckling ]

-Would you stop that, please?

We are just two sophisticates

who happen to have common interests,

and we engage in elevated discourse.

-I warmed up these bad boys under the hand dryer

in the men's room.

-Hey, you know what?

I got us a burger we could split.

The bun is a quesadilla. -Come on.

-You guys are adorable.

Eating like a couple teenagers headed to the electric chair.

-Hey, everyone.

-You have your own roller skates?

-Yep -We get it.

You're the fun one now.

-I skated here from a date at the roller rink.

I realized I was late for work, and as I was putting on my shoes

without wheels, I thought, "What are you doing, dummy?"

-That a doggy bag? What's in it?

-You wouldn't be interested. It's roller-rink cheese --

-Burger, dip, or fountain?

-Jackpot. Cheesecake.

This is turning into a two-table day.

-Get it. Get it.

-You will never guess who is here.

It's Pellino from Pellino & Carnes.

The lawyer's with all the commercials.

-I love their jingle.

* Pellino & Carnes, we'll get you the cash *

* It's never your fault when you fall, slip, or crash *

[ Laughs ]

That song is dangerously catchy.

They sued the guy who wrote it.

-They sound like the stereotype

of what everyone thinks a horrible lawyer is --

ambulance chasing, morally bankrupt.

-Yeah, but not bankruptbankrupt,

and that's what intrigues me.

I've been slipping and falling all over this city

trying to meet him. [ Gasps ] And he's heading this way.

-Mikey Pellino.

You guys keep doing what you're doing,

and when your hearts explode,

I'm going to make your wallets explode.

-Let me ask you a question.

If just hisheart explodes, do I still get paid?

**

-Oh, after all that food,

my stomach is creaking like an old ship.

I could use an Alka-Seltzer, but I hate the taste.

-Come on, man, you got to take care of yourself.

-Yeah. -Drop them in a milkshake.

-Oh.

That's a good idea.

-I think it's great the two of you have a thing,

but maybe bond over a salad once in a while

so you don't go halfsies on a hearse.

-Thank you for your concern, but we're fine.

I'm, well, of course, me, and Flobert is healthy as a horse.

-Well, he is panting like he just ran the Kentucky Derby.

-Whew! Is this courtroom uphill?

-Any doctor will tell you

he shouldn't be eating all that stuff.

-Oh, please. Doctors. All they tell you

is that everything you like will kill you.

Meanwhile, the oldest woman in the world

has never seen a hospital bathes in vodka

and eats cigarettes every morning for breakfast.

-And I don't trust those scalpel jockeys.

Always trying to get me to donate my organs.

When I die, my butt's coming with me.

-Flobert, don't nobody want a butt with that many miles on it.

-When you do die,

promise me you'll do it on government property.

-Olivia Moore. 5'6". Gemini.

I put the cute in prosecutor.

-Mikey Pellino. Pellino & Carnes.

If you ever want to sue your parents

for making you too beautiful.

-When I was 9, I threatened legal action

on grounds of cruel and unusual bowl cut.

-Girl, I think I'm falling for you. And I ought to know.

Most of the people that I talk to are on the ground.

-I hear wedding sirens.

-Hey, Wyatt, you're a guy

who's been around the roller rink a few times.

I was just looking at my ex-fiancé's Instagram.

If a guy posts a picture raking leaves with a woman,

that doesn't mean they're dating, right?

-No, it doesn't mean anything.

Except he's bad at Instagram.

-And this one where they're in bed?

-I take that back. He's good at Instagram.

-So great. Rand found someone.

I mean, not surprised. He's a wonderful guy.

Little faster than I thought, but I'm happy for him.

My eye just twitches when I'm happy for people.

-It's fine if you're not.

I didn't handle it great when my ex-wife moved on.

A barista said, "Flat white for Wyatt,"

but I heard, "I never satisfied her in bed."

-I really am fine with it.

I was the one who broke it off 'cause over the years,

I changed, and it started to feel like I was settling.

She looks like she's happy to settle with him

under the quilt I made.

-I'm not great at changing the subject,

but first up...

...the people versus Roscoe Verma.

The defendant was involved in an altercation

over a jar of pickles at the Union Square Farmers Market.

-Mr. Verma instigated a melee

that led to him being tossed into a display of Amish gourds.

The charges are destruction of property and defiling a pumpkin.

-Not on purpose. I landed on it wrong.

-Your honor, the only thing my client is guilty of

is enthusiasm.

Trevnick Pickles are the city's finest.

And this was the last jar at the farmer's market.

I posit that perhaps the pickle purveyor

prompted this predicament by producing

and promoting this peerless pickle

despite a paucity of product for the pumped pickle public.

Proceed.

-This must be some pickle.

Got to sample the evidence.

This pickle is not great.

In fact, it's bad.

Poor cucumber, what did they do to you?

-With all due respect, that is the perfect pickle.

Clearly, you don't know when you have something fantastic

right under your nose.

-Excuse me?

-Whoa, your eye is going nuts.

-I know a good thing when it's in front of me.

Are you telling me that you would really choose this pickle,

forsaking all others for as long as you shall live?

-I do.

-I always cry at weddings.

-Can you believe that guy?

Saying I don't know something's great

when it's right under my nose?

That pickle was straight-up junk.

-Is there a chance this isn't about pickles?

Maybe you're feeling a little weird

because your ex is seeing someone and you're not.

Are you on any dating apps?

-Almost. I'm still fine-tuning my profile.

Like, what picture do I go with?

Strong and sexy?

Girl next door?

Or cousin but worth it?

-Forget the apps.

This is a city full of possibilities.

Get out there and find one that makes you happy.

-You're absolutely right.

There's no point in sitting here and spinning out over this.

-That's what I'm saying.

-I got to get out there, take some risks,

put my heart on the line.

-Yes, Judge. I'm with you 1,000%.

-Great. That settles it.

We're gonna find the best damn pickle in New York City.

-So glad we sort of had this talk.

-Wow.

I'm assuming that black card was paid for by black ice.

-Speaking of breaking the ice, are you free tomorrow night?

I know this little Italian place.

It overlooks the most dangerous intersection in SoHo.

-That sounds lovely. Nothing like candlelight,

a little vino, and the sound of pedestrians screaming,

"Wait, don't!"

-I mean, did Cupid just hit us with an arrow?

-I certainly hope so, 'cause I've always wanted

to sue a baby. [ Chuckles ]

-Olivia, meet the man behind the ampersand.

This is my partner, Calvin Carnes.

I was just telling her about DiVitello's.

-Pellino's taking me there tomorrow night.

-Tomorrow night?

Garsh, bud, don't we have that working dinner

to talk about the toilet-alligator case?

We're alligator litigators.

-And we're suing the sewers.

Thanks, Pellino & Carnes. -Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.

-Well, maybe I could help with the case.

-Alligators -- thick snout or thin?

-Thick. Thin is crocodiles.

-Ooh, she's good, Carnes. What do you say?

-I don't know. I just don't want you to feel

like a third wheel. Ooh, speaking of which,

I saw a school bus out front with a wobbly front tire.

Let's go put the class in class action.

[ Clicks tongue ]

-A man's got to sue what a man's got to sue.

-Well, at least I still have his number.

-I'm going to need that.

-Come on, Dan, he's eating Fritos now?

-His cakes aren't here yet.

I knew you wouldn't let this go.

That's why I'm having a doctor give him a full medical workup.

-That's the doctor?

I fingerprinted him.

He's being charged with malpractice.

Also, he's a veterinarian.

-Relax, Gurgs. We're fine. -Fine?

Flobert couldn't even make it up a flight of stairs.

Last time the elevator broke, he paid the window washers

to give him a ride up from the street.

-So, what, now it's against the law to want fresh air?

Flobert could totally climb a flight of stairs.

-Prove it. If he can, I'll shut up.

If he can't, you both go see a doctor.

-Take that bet, Dan. I go up stairs all the time.

At the airport. The mall.

-Airport and mall? These stairs happen to move?

-What's your point?

-I think he's talking about an escala--

-I know he's talking about an escalator.

-Here's something you learn riding the subway

with 64 jars of pickles --

rats love 'em.

-Of course rats love them. These are all garbage.

If they were on a barge and it sank,

they'd have to close the beaches.

-There she is. My favorite gal pal.

You look like someone with no plans this weekend.

-You call tasting and ranking 37 different types

of pickles on dependability,

bendability, and blendability no plans?

-Everybody does.

So why don't you and I go to dinner? Hm?

I just heard about this great Italian place, DiVitello's.

Oh, people are dying to get in there.

And dying nearby.

-Judge, it might be good for you to get out

before things get really weird.

After my breakup, I got so into taxidermy

and now I eat breakfast across from three skunks

posed like "Charlie's Angels."

**

-This is a great idea. The two of us out for a meal.

No stress, no big decisions.

Just friends hanging out.

Wait, why are you pretending to listen to me?

Ah, there it is.

-What are the odds that Pellino would be

in the restaurant he said he'd be at?

Huh.

Well, as long as we're here,

I guess you should go distract Carnes

so I can be with Pellino.

-This isn't how I pictured my first date after Rand.

-That'd be a great start to your maid-of-honor speech

at my wedding. -I get to be your maid of honor?

-If you come with me. Pellino! Over here.

[ Chuckles ] It's Olivia, from court.

-This is so nice. I love a surprise.

Be it lovely ladies or faulty scaffolding.

[ Both chuckle ]

-The only thing I like structurally sound

are the men I date.

-The arrabbiata is great here. Do you like spicy?

-I do like spicy.

That is one thing I know for sure.

-Well, then you are in for a --

-Just so you know what you're getting into,

I like spicy now, but that could change.

So the answer is yes now. And no. Maybe.

I currently like spicy unless eventually I do not.

Final answer -- I don't want to be boxed in.

-Well, you know, being boxed in

is actually the number-one cause of death

for magician's assistants.

-Number two -- real saws.

-[ Chuckles ]

-Flat or sparkling? -I'd love sparkling.

-Actually, no, uh, flat.

Um, the -- the splatling.

Um, it's just so hard to know.

I mean, what if I start off drinking flat

and then all of a sudden want some bubbles?

Or what if I get bubbles,

and then three years into this dinner,

bubbles just aren't doing it for me?

-Here, take my glass, and you can have both and end this.

-You know what? I'm just going to go see if they have milk.

Milk's simple. Wait. No.

Cow? Oat? Almond?

You guys just order without me.

-Pellino, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

She's had a...

head injury. -Head injury.

[ Tires screech, crash ]

-I'm sorry. I have to take this. -[ Chuckles ]

-Nice try, by the way.

You think you're the first gussied-up law-bird

to try to weasel their way between me and Pellino?

-[ Scoffs ]

-I'm never going to let that happen.

The jingle isn't * Pellino & Carnes *

* And some woman who will ruin everything *

-Did it ever occur to you that I could make him happier

than money ever could?

Yeah, I know, that's insane, but I had to say something

'cause I felt like you had a whole speech and a song.

-A cab just crashed through the window of SoulCycle.

They were pedaling as fast as they could,

but they just couldn't get out of the way.

-Sorry to leave you all alone, but my partner needs me.

**

-So you dumped a hot-dog cart into the Central Park Reservoir

to try and catch the Loch Ness Monster?

-Aye.

Great gobs of meat are the only way

to get Nessie to the surface.

-$50 fine for littering.

You're lucky I'm not booking you for public monster baiting.

-How was your dinner?

-It wasn't a dinner. It was a double date.

And jumping right in was not a good idea.

-At least it got you out.

It's not like tasting pickles was a huge success.

-I couldn't agree more. -Thank God that's over.

-And that's why we're going to makethe perfect pickle.

-So communicating is not our thing.

-Wyatt, if we pull this off,

people will talk about what we did here.

-Tomorrow morning at 9:00 A.M., I'll be telling my therapist.

So you're just springing double dates on people?

-I'll do whatever I have to to get Pellino alone.

But he and Carnes are inseparable.

It's like Carnes is just always one step ahead of me.

-But also somehow one step behind you.

Face it, there's not a move you can make

that I don't know about.

-You sure about that?

'Cause tonight I'm surprising Pellino with tickets

to the new Britney Spears show.

-We just got out of the matinee.

Oops, I did it again.

-Well, next Saturday we're going to the Yankees game.

-Saturday is the New York Advertising Awards

We're up for loudest commercial.

And we're a lock!

-Well, I know a private chef.

-You knewa private chef.

So sorry for your loss.

-This obituary is from tomorrow.

-Alright, Flobert, this is going to be a piece of cake.

And I mean that literally.

Now, go get it.

-I'm ready. I stretched, I hydrated --

-Did you get a body transplant?

-Alright, let's go. I want you to stagger like the wind.

-Yeah.

[ Grunting ]

I'm doing it. I'm walking up the stairs.

-Uh-huh. In your caring face, Gurgs.

-Me! "S"! "A"! [ Grunts ]

Me! "S"! "A"! [ Grunts ]

Me! "S"! "A"!

[ Weakly ] Me. "S." "A."

[ Gasps ] -Flobert, wake up, wake up.

Wake up, wake up. -Oh. Aah!

-Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. -What happened?

-When you looked at the steps, you passed out.

And somehow asked for a snack on the way down.

Would you two just go see a doctor?

Human, witch, Dre -- I don't care,

just as long as it isn't a veterinarian.

-Absolutely not. We're gonna make it up these stairs

if it kills him and me.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

One. Get it, get it. -[ Grunts ]

-Oh! [ Groans ] -Ooh.

-I popped my ankle.

It's an old football-watching injury.

Oh, Gurgs, don't just stand there.

Get me to a doctor.

-That's what I've been trying to tell you.

-Come on. Alright, listen,

I'll come back for you. -Thank you, Dan.

-Yeah, I was talking to the cake.

-Wyatt, did you put the salt in, let it steep for 45 minutes,

then stir the barrel counterclockwise

because we're north of the equator?

-There was a mix-up...

...and I didn't want to.

Alright, I'll go get a fresh barrel.

Maybe you can get through to her.

-I've already tried to help one person today.

It almost cost me a limb.

-What happened to you?

-Sprained my ankle saving an orphan.

Flobert's parents are dead.

It counts.

Love what you've done with the place.

It's like a pickle meth lab meets...

Nope, that's it.

-It's been a lot. Stirring, salting,

parallel parking a truck full of cucumbers.

But if you want the perfect pickle...

-Well, kudos. This is a great pickle.

You don't look happy. It's because I said "kudos"?

Is that a word we can't use anymore?

-No, that's the lousy Trevnick Pickle

from the court case.

You think these are one of mine? These taste...

...not bad.

Maybe it's true.

I don't know a good thing when I have it.

-Well, yeah, this is a great pickle.

-So you're saying I should have stayed with Rand?

-[ Sighs ] It's times like this I wish I could run.

-I was happy with Rand...

...until I wasn't.

[ Sighs ]

If only I was more like a pickle.

A pickle is set.

Know what they are.

Once you're a pickle, you don't go back.

You don't go forward.

Stay the same forever.

Not searching for what's next.

-Abby, people can change their minds.

Like, right now, I'm regretting ever coming in here.

-What if Rand was as good as it gets?

He was pretty great.

Maybe "pretty great's" an okay thing to settle for.

-No, settling is definitely the way to go.

For most people.

But you're not most people.

There is a perfect person out there for you

who will change with you,

and you will find them.

Or make them in a barrel.

-Thanks, Dan.

I think I'm done with barrels.

I fell in earlier.

-Sorry, is that barrel vibrating?

-Yeah, I dropped my phone when I was in there.

Hold my feet. I'm going in. -[ Stammers ]

-Dan Fielding eating a salad.

Wow. They can make cake look like anything.

-Flobert and I agreed, on occasion, we will eat healthy,

so we may prolong our years of being able to eat terribly.

-Mm.

Don't worry, Dan. Any second,

we're going to wake up at the bottom of those stairs.

-Also, our new salad-forward lifestyle

will mean spending more time with,

well, people I don't actually mind being around.

-We prefer to be called friends, Dave.

-[ Groans ]

-Admit it, you have a big heart.

-Oh, yeah. They said I have

the biggest heart they've ever seen.

You know what? This needs a little something, though.

Got the thing right here.

**

-So, turns out, my whole thing was about more than pickles.

-And Danhelped you figure that out?

Just Dan?

-No.

I also recall Olivia saying something.

-I did it.

I finally managed to get Pellino alone.

-That's great. Right?

-You'd think so.

-Cha-ching. [ Chuckles ]

-We kissed, and it was everything

I thought it would be.

And then I realized Carnes would always be there.

Evil. Duplicitous, a total monster.

In short, everything I'm looking for in a man.

I was kissing the prince, but I wanted the frog.

-I feel the same way about you.

-Carnes? You have feelings for me, too?

-I've fallen for you harder

than Angela Martin of Piscataway,

who got 30 grand when she slipped in a Panera

and shattered her pelvis.

Thanks, Pellino & Carnes.

-Aww, this is -a match made in hell.

-Unfortunately, you and I could never be.

I already have a partner, and we're bonded by a jingle,

four shell corporations, and an ampersand.

-Maybe I'll get winged by a shuttle bus

and look you up someday.

-I'd like that.

-It seems hard now, Olivia,

but you've got a lot going for you.

You're going to be fine.

-Yep. -Aww.

Thanks, Abby.

-These are, uh, actually for a client's funeral.

[ Wind whistling ] -It's funny.