Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,558
I think you should find out
if you'd be good at the whole fathery thing.
2
00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:10,069
To friendship.
3
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,519
And beyond.
4
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,949
You need to make him scream like a little girl.
5
00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:15,433
Arrrrghhh!
6
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,949
(Statham screams )
7
00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:23,316
- He's my cousin!
- He can't be, he's green.
8
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,992
- Oh, oh!
- Ow!
9
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:30,439
Bury him. We'll need a...
10
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:32,596
Throw him in the incinerator.
11
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,631
I think we made a mistake, Dr Macartney.
12
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,228
(answerphone beeps ) Message deleted.
13
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,032
Hi. Can I get ten scratchcards, please?
14
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,878
Yeah, that's GBP10, please.
15
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,639
Right. The thing is, I'm thinking, OK,
16
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,877
that if I get ten scratchcards
I'm more than likely going to win GBP10.
17
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,355
So can you just take it out of the winnings?
18
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,277
Er... no.
19
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,391
But I'm bound to win GBP10.
20
00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:35,999
You might not.
21
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:40,272
OK. If I win, right,
you can take 10% of the winnings.
22
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,956
Make it 25% .
23
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,397
20.
24
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,511
35.
25
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,596
- 30.
- 50.
26
00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,673
40, and that's my last offer.
27
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,756
70.
28
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,716
All right, then. Done.
29
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:10,310
Hello. Do you sell any of those
shoes stretcher thingies?
30
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:11,998
We've got them for boots or shoes.
31
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,236
- Which is the biggest?
- Boots.
32
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,511
Then a boot stretcher it is, young man.
33
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,556
That's GBP7.99 a pair.
34
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,990
Splendid action.
35
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,190
- You only want one?
- Aye. I'm having a baby
36
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:34,153
and I just want to make sure
it can fit through the door.
37
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:38,432
Parcel through the letter box.
Bun out of the oven.
38
00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,270
Troops out of the landing craft.
39
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,436
( door rattles )
40
00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,954
Come on, sleepyhead. Time for school.
41
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,036
Morning.
42
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,874
- Are you legal?
- What?
43
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:14,835
Are you legal, or am I going to end up
on some kind of a register?
44
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,349
Oh, right. Yeah, I'm legal.
45
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,637
Oh, good.
46
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,716
- Just.
- What?
47
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,199
Just.
48
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,754
It was my birthday yesterday.
49
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:30,031
That's why I was out after ten.
50
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,388
Oh, God...
51
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,277
Brick out of the front shitter.
52
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,472
Watermelon out of your Jap's eye.
53
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,556
(she pants )
54
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,316
Oh, my God!
55
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,076
My God!
56
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,596
What?
57
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:06,668
I've won ten grand!
58
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,836
- Shut up, no.
- Shut up, yes!
59
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,075
- Oh, my God, that's seven grand all for me.
- What?
60
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:17,274
Three grand for you, seven grand for me.
Our deal. Yes!
61
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,631
Yes! Whoo!
Oh, come on, you won three grand!
62
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,996
Wahoo! Yes!
63
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,551
Not one, not two, but three grand. Whoo-hoo!
64
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,717
Don't think about it. Just don't think about it.
Who? The dwarf?
65
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,195
I don't know what you mean.
Why would I think about him?
66
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,356
You've given him very little thought?
Yes.
67
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,755
Is that because he is very little?
Not at all.
68
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,916
So he's not... not at all... not a tall man.
69
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,996
- Morning, Dr Statham.
- A very small man.
70
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:49,875
- So it's off to work we go, then.
- Sorry, do you mean ' heigh ho' ?
71
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:50,989
What?
72
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,271
Heigh ho, heigh ho,
it's off to work then, is it?
73
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:55,992
Oh, like the song. If you like.
74
00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:58,839
- Heigh ho, heigh ho...
- No, ssh, ssh, don't sing it.
75
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,872
A dwarf might hear you. What then?
76
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,719
- A dwarf?
- Yes. Don't say the word though.
77
00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:07,593
You said it and I don't think
there are many dwarves here.
78
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:11,872
No, exactly. And not because
they've been killed, obviously.
79
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,675
There might have been though,
so it's lucky for you. Your lucky day, Mr Boyce.
80
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,631
What, because I'm too tall to be a dwarf?
81
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,113
- Where?
- Just up there!
82
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,595
No! Not...
83
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,551
Not in the sky.
84
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,636
- Are you all right?
- Fine.
85
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,877
- Get inside and stop looking suspicious.
- I keep seeing dwarves.
86
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,514
I keep seeing Harry Potter underpants.
87
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,868
- Hi.
- Hi.
88
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,072
So, there's a consultancy?
89
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,078
Yeah, Mario's leaving,
so it's between me and Richard.
90
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,953
- Wow. Good luck.
- Thank you.
91
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:53,715
Erm... I'd just like to take this opportunity
to ask, in a very genuine sense,
92
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:57,833
how things are going
with your newly discovered son?
93
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,871
I'd like to take this opportunity
94
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:05,518
to remark upon the sincerity I felt
was evident behind that genuine enquiry.
95
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,074
Yeah, well, it's my new thing.
96
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,715
Every time I hide my true feelings,
in the interests of another human being,
97
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:15,799
I reward myself with a mini Mars bar.
98
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,876
Oh, nice. Nice.
99
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,474
So, it's all OK?
100
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,238
Yeah, all OK. Yes, thank you.
101
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:28,673
And I was very... glad to hear that
you're seeing someone. Jake, isn't it?
102
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,756
Yes. Thanks.
103
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,600
- Mini Mars bar?
- I'll take two.
104
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,510
- Hi. Hi.
- How are you?
105
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,313
Oh... Mm... How's the wound?
106
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,591
- Oh, it's OK, it's cool, yeah.
- Are you taking any painkillers?
107
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,076
- No, no. Alternative therapies.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, right.
108
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,317
What, like... like kissing it better?
109
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,317
It might work.
110
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,795
Oh, oh.
111
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:02,830
OK, then.
112
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:05,520
Oh, I'm so sorry!
113
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,232
Are you OK?
114
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,952
- Hmm...
- No? Should I?
115
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,433
Yeah?
116
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,516
- Are you ready?
- Mm.
117
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:16,918
- Oh, that's nice.
- How's that?
118
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,598
Hey!
119
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:24,113
Hey, hey, hey.
I was sorry to hear about your accident.
120
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,592
Well, hey, that's fine.
I mean, you know, things happen.
121
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:32,235
Yeah, yeah. Swiss army knives
are always landing on people's heads.
122
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,989
- I think it fell out of an aeroplane.
- Really? Or maybe a magpie dropped it.
123
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:37,314
Yes, when it yawned.
124
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,670
Yeah, well, that's actually quite likely.
125
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,234
Yeah. I mean, do you...
126
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,397
Do you... Do you... Did it affect your brain?
127
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,318
Do you still believe
that eating weeds can cure people?
128
00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:49,395
It's not just weeds.
129
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,318
- There's a lot of therapies...
- Yeah. Can it cure that?
130
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,635
- Owee!
- Owee! Oh, owee!
131
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,751
Try not to be such a girl about it, OK?
132
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,838
Excuse us for one minute. Yes?
133
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,951
What is the matter with you?
134
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,514
He's... he's not...
he's not good enough for you.
135
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,596
Oh? Then who is?
136
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,997
Someone... Someone less nice.
137
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:21,995
Go away and think about
how little sense that makes. Will you?
138
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,235
Don't move.
139
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,316
Don't come with me.
140
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,076
(gasps )
141
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,955
OK, you sit here quietly
while Mummy gets sorted out, all right?
142
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,355
Er... I need the thingy.
143
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,269
(gasping) Quickly!
144
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:31,955
Breathe in here.
145
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,310
I'm having a fucking coronary, you dim bitch!
146
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,396
Breathe in the bag.
147
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,796
Breathe slowly.
148
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,157
- That better?
- I need an ECG!
149
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,555
- You're having a panic attack.
- It's my heart!
150
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,636
Just keep breathing.
151
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,430
Get me a fucking doctor, you f...
152
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:56,633
Right, I let one f-word go. Do not use
that word. It's ignorant and unnecessary.
153
00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:00,036
A simple ' get me a doctor, please'
would have done.
154
00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,115
Right.
155
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,390
Go back to work
and think about your behaviour.
156
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,476
- Yes.
- Good.
157
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:15,030
Right. I'll ask about watching an amputation,
but I doubt they'll let you cut anything.
158
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:16,798
Come on then.
159
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,672
B...
160
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:21,999
Oh, Robbie!
161
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:27,114
Right. I have enough money
to get rid of my debts, right,
162
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,356
and buy a really nice jacket,
163
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,677
but not enough money to... buy a castle.
164
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,598
Right. And do you want a castle?
165
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,233
No.
166
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,839
What do you want then?
167
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,997
Well, I just want to be told
what is the best way to spend my money
168
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,554
so that I don't feel guilty once it's all gone.
169
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:48,116
Yeah, well, that... that...
that is a tricky one.
170
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,959
- Yeah, I know.
- Yeah. Well, let me think.
171
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:55,437
Erm... What to do? What to do?
172
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,597
( dummy ) Give Sue White all the money.
173
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,958
Give... What was that? Give...
174
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,230
What did you say?
175
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,875
I didn't say anything.
I was just... like, you know, thinking.
176
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,673
- Just thinking out aloud.
- No, I'm just...
177
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,439
Oh, right.
178
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,313
Give me just time... Let me think.
179
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:23,390
( dummy ) Give Sue White all the money.
Go on, give it to Sue. Give it to Sue.
180
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,752
No, I don't want to give...
181
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:32,317
Oh, fuck off, you fucking stapler!
182
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,989
Morning, Dr Stained Pants.
183
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:50,477
Yes. (chuckles ) Good morning, Messed Whore.
184
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,349
Christ, Alan, you look like a northern junkie.
Are you all right?
185
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,436
Not really, no. I feel a bit liverish.
186
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,232
- Liverish?
- A bit liverish.
187
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:00,998
You should do what I do.
188
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,271
What, give suck jobs to dustbin men?
189
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:09,076
- Fine. Suit yourself.
- All right, no, come on. What do you do?
190
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,838
A coffee enema.
191
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:14,509
If God had wanted us to put coffee
up our thingy, he'd have given us a funnel.
192
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,918
Yeah, but every time I fart,
it's like walking into Starbucks.
193
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,998
That's how I get my kicks these days.
194
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,236
But I didn't kill him!
195
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,670
(stammering) Said the man... in the novel.
196
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,316
It's about killing people. Not dwarves!
197
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,188
Live, damn you, live!
198
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,993
( dummy ) Get off!
Save yourself for Dr Macartney.
199
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,237
Yeah. God, yeah.
You're right, you're right, you're right.
200
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:54,114
But Mac and Holly - I mean, what are we...
what are we going to do, eh?
201
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,312
- Destroy her.
- Yes, good. How?
202
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,396
Leave it to me.
203
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:11,914
Oh!
204
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,634
I think I'm having a breakdown.
205
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,239
So am I.
206
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:19,272
(gasps ) I can't breathe.
207
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,152
No, neither can I.
208
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,795
I can't think. I can't sneeze. I can't do this.
209
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,992
A little bit. I can't swim.
210
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,076
Oh.
211
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,760
Everything's gone dwarf.
212
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,075
I know.
213
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,555
- You shouldn't be here.
- Oh...
214
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,112
What are we going to do?
215
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,038
- Let's wee on each other.
- No, no, no. Really, Alan.
216
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,832
Let's have sex.
217
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:49,158
- We have to keep away from each other.
- Let's have sex separately.
218
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,590
You're going to have to
pull yourself together, Alan.
219
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,832
Ever wonder why we do this?
220
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:08,511
We could leave the gall stones in, but it does
seem a waste of one of Guy's sleepy potions.
221
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:12,679
Sleepy potions!
Funny, scrawny, pasty little man.
222
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,839
No, but... is what we do really worthwhile?
223
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,996
Well, technically, yes.
224
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,510
No, I mean... does what we do
really make a difference?
225
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,710
Try it blindfolded. More of a challenge.
226
00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:28,037
I can vouch for the fact more people
leave this room alive than dead.
227
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,799
There are people
who are paid to count that stuff.
228
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:35,391
- It doesn't help you sleep at night.
- No. That's what booze and sex are for.
229
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,193
- And wanking.
- That's why you can't come round any more.
230
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,276
- Pick a colour.
- Pink.
231
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,350
Pick a number.
232
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:44,549
What did you just do?
233
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,148
- Pick a number.
- Three.
234
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,430
- Pick another number.
- Two.
235
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,114
- ' Shave off all your bodily hair.'
- Who wrote this?
236
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,073
Me. Lucky you didn't get that -
you have no bodily hair.
237
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,873
- Neither do you.
- I have a lot of bodily hair actually.
238
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:04,120
You've got enough for all three of us
and half the Greek Olympic team.
239
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:10,715
Where are you going?
240
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:15,834
Martin Dear is giving away free money
and you don't even need to suck him off.
241
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:36,919
You will regret the day you ever
messed with me, little Miss Hollyhocks.
242
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,796
Oh, Jesus! Manky bitch!
243
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,553
Oh! ' Autumn Blaze.'
244
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,589
' Covers even the darkest hair shades.'
245
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,469
Oh, you shouldn't be snooping in Holly's bag.
246
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,591
Shut it!
247
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,553
You shouldn't go snooping.
248
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,796
Agh! Agh! Agh!
249
00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,876
Sawdust head, in you go.
250
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:25,639
(banging)
251
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,196
Yes, yes. That's it, you fucking pine nut!
252
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,592
So, Mr Boyce, I'd very much like
to convey to you my best wishes
253
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,918
on your imminent elevation
to the dizzy heights of house officer.
254
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,669
If said appointment results in a greater sense
of responsibility and maturity,
255
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,633
then it is indeed a thing to be welcomed.
256
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,478
Thank you, Alan.
257
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:53,037
My only worry is that when I do become
a fully fledged doctor such as your good self,
258
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:57,073
I'll have to adopt an archaic use of words
and a long-winded sentence structure.
259
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,155
Pardon?
260
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,989
It is my intention to disengage
in this conversation forthwith.
261
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:06,033
You know, you're in great danger
of confusing an extensive vocabulary
262
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,912
with fuddy-duddiness.
263
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:09,996
- Don't you mean fuddy-duddity?
- No.
264
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:12,714
Your fuddy-dudditudinal attitude
is only to be expected.
265
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,717
You are at least 60 years older than me.
266
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,798
Yes, well, my seniority in years
notwithstanding...
267
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,433
Nobody says notwithstanding.
268
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:23,473
It's a perfectly reasonable...
It's an ordinary reasonable word!
269
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,874
Oh... Oh...
270
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,036
Is this some sort of exercise?
271
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,674
Well...
272
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,276
No, no.
273
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,276
This is...
274
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,918
I... This is...
275
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,190
Distortion...
276
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,552
Everybody leave now.
I think I'm going to go a bit...
277
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,396
And, erm...
278
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:59,037
There... there... there's... very...
It's very...
279
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,796
wib... wibbly.
280
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,468
There we are.
Come on, little man. There we are.
281
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:08,919
- Boyce, give me life.
- What?
282
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,713
- Give me... Give me life... kiss of life.
What?
-
283
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,353
- Give me the kiss of life.
- What?
284
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,870
No! You only give someone
mouth-to-mouth when they're not breathing.
285
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,752
Do as you're told! Kiss me!
286
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:23,510
If you share with me your life's breath,
or I... I will die!
287
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,993
Oh, God!
288
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,119
Oh, my God!
What have you been eating?
289
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,151
Kim.
290
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,475
(mumbles )
291
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,875
Much better now.
292
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,878
Lovely.
293
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,434
OK, Ollie. We're ready for you.
294
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,196
Oh, missed a bit.
295
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,276
Hm! Ta.
296
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,349
Hey.
297
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,630
I'm dying, I'm dying!
298
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,149
- We're all dying.
- No, I'm dying very soon.
299
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:40,876
My heart is beating very fast.
It's like the foot of a tiny bunny.
300
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,831
- Have you got myxomatosis?
- No.
301
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,430
Hot, hot, sweaty. Sweaty hot. Hot flushes...
302
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,518
- Menopause?
- I need... I need help.
303
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,200
- Oh, you want me to section you?
- No, tests.
304
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:58,279
Scans and... investigative probing.
305
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,550
OK, simple test. Erm...
306
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,477
- Put your left leg in.
- Right.
307
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:03,828
- Your left leg out.
- There.
308
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:04,836
- In.
- Yes.
309
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:05,995
- Out.
- Yes.
310
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,793
- Mm... Shake it all about.
- Right, there.
311
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,559
OK. Yeah, that's what it's all about.
312
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,434
- No, that's the hokey cokey!
- Is it? I think it's more of a panic attack.
313
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,279
- What should I do?
- Do you do any sport?
314
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:22,029
- I'm very proficient at Ping-Pong.
- Yeah, but do you do any sport?
315
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,229
Good. Do that, yeah. Do that.
That's very good.
316
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,238
What are you doing?
317
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:48,873
I've got something in my tooth.
318
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,956
Not you, you!
319
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,789
- Oh, this is... This is my topmiler.
- Oh, no duh!
320
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,399
D'you play Guyball?
321
00:20:56,520 --> 00:21:01,116
I haven't for a couple of years, ever since
I got a neck injury off Marcus Guisler.
322
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,198
- He's the big Austrian.
- Yeah, I know who he is.
323
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,151
Oh, you play?
324
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,238
I'm Guy Secretan. The Guy Secretan.
325
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,909
I am to Guyball what William Webb Ellis
is to wugby... rugby.
326
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,633
So what's your settle rate?
327
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:20,116
My settle rate is 37.
328
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:20,877
37?
329
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:25,198
But that's... that's with alternate stickles
and it was a few years back.
330
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,639
That's very good.
331
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,955
- What's yours?
- It's not a competition.
332
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,911
Technically it's a competition.
333
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,031
I can't remember.
334
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,720
Although I did a lot of block fisting last year.
335
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:39,037
I'm pretty sure you and I
will meet across a parish soon.
336
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,390
Yeah, I'm pretty sure too we'll meet.
337
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,512
But I've just... I've got
one shoulder lower than the other.
338
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,790
I noticed that.
339
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,198
- It feels so good.
- Yeah. Looks so good.
340
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,276
- Really?
- (laughs )
341
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:58,359
Was that all right? I nearly said
sticklebacks instead of stickles.
342
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,550
- That was superb!
- Really?
343
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:04,798
I don't know, I feel a bit bad.
I think we might have upset him.
344
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,831
But that... that's...
345
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,916
What? That's what?
346
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,956
No, never mind.
347
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,718
- You know what that is?
- What?
348
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,752
One, two, three. Stickle sense.
349
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,950
It just never leaves you.
350
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,072
Jesus Christ!
351
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,919
- Hey... I got you a wee present.
- What are you doing here?
352
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,998
Do you know... Why are you not
coming round my office any more?
353
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,475
It's almost like you're trying to avoid me.
354
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,239
- Oh, heaven forfend!
- Your present.
355
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,193
I shouldn't take that.
It could seem a bit unprofessional.
356
00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,754
- You'll like it.
- That's not the point though.
357
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:02,872
Well, I have gone to a lot of trouble.
I've hunted high and low.
358
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,798
- Could you give it to the sick children?
- No way.
359
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:10,198
No, no, no. That is personal.
You'll enjoy it. Come on.
360
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,276
Come on.
361
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:20,951
Smell my sweat. Hm?
362
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,992
Smell my Ping-Pong pong.
363
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,356
Oh, God.
364
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,038
This is a nightmare.
365
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,116
What is?
366
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:17,876
Listen... It's going to sound crap
whatever I say, however I say it.
367
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:18,955
Say what?
368
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:24,837
I've fucked up and I... I'm worried
that you're not going to let me forget it.
369
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,155
What do you mean?
370
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:31,034
I want you, I want...
I want us to have another go.
371
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,960
Another go at what?
372
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,036
I still love you, Holly.
373
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:42,555
(mouths )
374
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,069
I knew you'd never get over me!
This is so weird.
375
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,031
- This is exactly how I planned it.
- Is it?
376
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:50,277
It's so strange. I knew you weren't
serious about that weirdo Todd.
377
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,709
- Yeah.
- Really.
378
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:56,355
- Kiss me, Mac. Kiss me.
- Stop you there. Stop you there.
379
00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:01,076
This, Holly, is what is known as a honey trap.
380
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,430
A Holly trap, if you like.
381
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:07,439
Not admissible in a court of law perhaps,
but it does confirm my suspicions.
382
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:08,675
No. Ah... no.
383
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,598
Or you have just walked
straight into my Mac trap,
384
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,518
- because I don't want to go out with you.
- Oh, right, yeah.
385
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:18,269
- Lighten up.
- Talking of lightening up, who's this?
386
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,595
That... That looks like me.
387
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,233
Yeah, that's definitely you.
388
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:26,512
Who's this little kid there
with the lovely black hair?
389
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,675
Oh, goodness me, is that Mackenzie?
It's Mackenzie.
390
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,678
Yeah, I remember now that his hair
goes much, much lighter in the summer
391
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,233
and a little bit auburny.
392
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,839
What's this?
393
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:42,715
Oh, yeah. I tend to buy that for a friend
of mine who's phobic, for some reason,
394
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,592
about buying hair dye.
395
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:46,870
I'm not his dad, am I?
396
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:53,350
- Wonder what would make you say that.
- Ooh, er... DNA test?
397
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,914
Laboratory mix-up?
398
00:26:58,040 --> 00:26:59,996
Who's the daddy?
399
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,470
It's a secret.
400
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,750
That's your speciality, isn't it?
401
00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:39,952
(grunts )
402
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:41,274
That's it.
403
00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,356
(grunts )
404
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,510
Ah...
405
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,596
Oh...
406
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:00,559
(screams )
407
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:03,752
Oh, God!
408
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,838
(continues yelling and screaming)
409
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,670
(sighs )
410
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:53,236
(blows whistle)
Attention! She's trying to trap him.
411
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,238
Attention! It's not his baby.
412
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,555
But mine is!
413
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:03,276
Attention! Achtung!
It's not his baby, but mine is.
414
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:06,836
Attention! It's not his baby, but mine is.
415
00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:09,673
What are you doing?
416
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:14,032
None of your beeswax.
It's on a need-to-know basis.
417
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:20,514
Speak, or I ram this whistle
down your oesophagus, so help me, God!
418
00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:23,837
It's not his, Holly's kid.
She lied, dyed his hair.
419
00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,030
She's history.
420
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:27,673
- What?
- It's not his, Holly's kid.
421
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,712
She lied, dyed his hair. She's history.
422
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,593
- What?
- It's not his, Holly's kid...
423
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:39,033
It's not his, Holly's kid.
She lied, dyed his hair. She's history.
424
00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,037
- Seriously?
- Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah.
425
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:44,948
And it was all me that found out, yeah. Me.
Me, me, me, me, me, me
426
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:48,629
Me, me, me, me, me, me.
Me, me, me...
427
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:07,876
Ohhh...
428
00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:21,880
No warning!
429
00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:34,228
New trainers.
430
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:36,078
Are you all right?
431
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:41,115
Let's put it this way.
I think my son's hair is dyed.
432
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:46,353
Oh, right. Well, have you checked to see
whether his collar and cuffs match?
433
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:49,358
Martin, he's four years old.
434
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:50,549
Yeah, I know.
435
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:55,310
But if it is dyed, do you see what that means?
Do you see what that implies?
436
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:59,911
It means he's probably quite vain
about his appearance. Oh, my God, he's gay!
437
00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:16,070
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
I got held up with an urgent case.
438
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:17,553
That's OK. It's no problem.
439
00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:20,558
You must have been waiting
for about an hour and a half.
440
00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:23,035
Yeah, it's no problem.
441
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:31,032
I'm not sure
that we should keep seeing each other.
442
00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:37,391
Well, you did that very well.
Well done.
443
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:41,035
No. No, don't congratulate me
for dumping you, Jake.
444
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:44,197
- Don't you mind?
- Of course I mind...
445
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:47,790
I'm not going to add to any upset
by going on about how upset I am.
446
00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:51,390
Will you stop being so nice?
It just makes it even harder.
447
00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:53,317
Can't you shout at me or something?
448
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,271
Yes, I can shout, yes.
449
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:56,594
(shouts ) I could shout
450
00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:00,679
about being strung along by someone
who doesn't know their own mind!
451
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:04,315
About someone who doesn't realise
that the only person they want to be with
452
00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:07,830
is blatantly obvious
to everybody but herself!
453
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:09,712
Yes, I could shout!
454
00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:14,197
But shouting, really,
it never gets anyone anywhere, does it?
455
00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:17,396
So you're not angry?
456
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,153
- I'm not angry.
- Don't say that, you've ruined it again.
457
00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:23,714
- Sorry, sorry.
- Don't... No.
458
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,676
I, erm...
459
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:34,432
I bought you some shoes.
460
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,233
Oh, don't you understand?
It's too late for sh...
461
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:40,079
Oh, those are lovely.
462
00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:43,636
No, no, I can't... I can't have them.
I'm sorry.
463
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,390
I'm really, really sorry.
464
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:58,350
What's that?
How come I didn't get any of that?
465
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:01,517
It's a speciality dish,
reserved for those who can appreciate it.
466
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:03,551
- I bet I could appreciate it.
- I doubt it.
467
00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:05,636
Yeah? Here.
468
00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:36,476
Mm...
469
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:41,396
Yeah. What is it exactly?
470
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,750
It's fresh umbilical.
The midwife gets them for me.
471
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,589
I get through about three a week...
on average.
472
00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:51,870
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
473
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,718
I've just eaten umbilical cord?
474
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:58,400
Fanny rope?
475
00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:00,988
- Twat twine?
- Yeah.
476
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:05,636
Well, it's tasty and it's packed full
of nutrients, very good for the skin.
477
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,637
I'm 72, actually.
478
00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:09,398
It is cooked though, isn't it?
479
00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:12,318
Uh-uh. Sushi.
480
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,591
Fresh sushi. Very juicy.
481
00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:26,793
So, Mr Boyce, end-of-year shenanigans, is it?
Hm? Well done.
482
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,356
- What, you want to shake my hand?
- Well, why not?
483
00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:35,474
Underneath that infantile exterior there lurks
a conscientious soul, I dare say, so well done.
484
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:38,194
You know, I think I'd rather have a hug.
485
00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:41,153
No, I think a handshake
would be more appropriate, so...
486
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:46,479
Really, I should give you a hug to say thank
you for the help you've given me this year.
487
00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:51,355
Well... very well. Very well.
No monkey business though.
488
00:34:54,240 --> 00:34:55,355
There, there.
489
00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:59,678
There. That's it, that's ended.
That's the end.
490
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:01,199
There, there, finished.
491
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:04,437
No, that's the end. That's it, let go.
You can let go.
492
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:06,312
- I don't want to.
- I'd rather you did.
493
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:07,668
- Disentangle. Disengage.
- No.
494
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:08,869
- Yes.
- No.
495
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:10,752
- Oh, yes.
- No.
496
00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:13,269
Not unless you come out with me
for a meal tonight.
497
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,197
- If I agree, will you let go?
- Yes.
498
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:17,675
Then I agree, I agree. There.
499
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:22,113
Great. So swing by the Spice of Bengal
about eight o clock.
500
00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:25,915
Yes. Yes, I can swing with the best of them.
Don't you worry about that.
501
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:31,830
Mind out, person dying.
502
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:43,556
Hello?
503
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:45,635
(Caroline) Hello?
504
00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:47,591
Hello? Hi, it's Guy, it's me.
505
00:35:47,720 --> 00:35:51,952
- Oh, my God! What are you doing in here?
- You're not going out with Jake any more.
506
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:55,470
Look, I'm in the middle of something
quite urgent, so can we talk later?
507
00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:59,718
No, I have to say something to you right now.
508
00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:01,796
I like you.
509
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:07,395
- Did you hear me?
- Yep.
510
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:09,033
- Well?
- Well, what?
511
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:12,869
- What do you think about me liking you?
- I still won't sleep with you. Goodbye.
512
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:16,470
I don't want to sleep with you.
Well, obviously I do want to sleep with you,
513
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:21,310
but it's not that. It's just I don't
fancy women any more, apart from you,
514
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:25,718
which is really weird, because there are
so many more attractive women than you
515
00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:27,671
and I don't know...
516
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:32,828
You're the only one... You're the only one
that I can't get out of my head.
517
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:36,191
You're the only one I dream about,
the only one that makes my balls ache.
518
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:41,269
I've just come to the conclusion
that I don't just like you.
519
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:45,154
I like you. I massively like you.
520
00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:49,398
And I... Oh, I suppose... Oh!
521
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:52,637
I suppose what I'm trying to say is...
522
00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:54,716
I like you.
523
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:56,796
There, I've said it.
524
00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:00,235
(Caroline) OK, thanks. Bye.
525
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:03,874
' Oh, thanks. Bye?' That's all you can say?
526
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:08,152
- I've just poured my heart out to you.
- Yeah. Bye now.
527
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:17,719
(peeing) Oh, thank God. Oh!
528
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,908
Maybe Mackenzie will like Bradford.
529
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:25,874
Look, Mac, I'm sorry.
I know what I did was sick and wrong,
530
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:29,595
but you have to admit
it was also very, very funny.
531
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:32,432
Yeah.
532
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,516
Go then.
533
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:39,831
No, sorry. Let me rephrase that. Go now.
534
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:43,236
OK, fair enough.
535
00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,400
- She's off then?
- Yeah, yeah.
536
00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:05,472
- Shame. She was really nice.
- Yeah, she was really, really nice.
537
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:08,433
- I'm sorry.
- What have you got to be sorry about?
538
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:12,235
No, I mean I'm sorry for you.
You'll make a great father one day.
539
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:14,954
- So will you.
- Thanks.
540
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,752
I'm sorry too.
541
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:20,793
- What have you got to be sorry about?
- Er... Ooh...
542
00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:23,718
- For losing you.
- Oh.
543
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:27,549
The thing is, some things are lost forever
544
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,911
and others are just misplaced for a bit.
545
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:35,953
- Are you lost or misplaced?
- Too early to tell.
546
00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:40,278
But I think I'm probably just misplaced.
547
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,356
Ugh!
548
00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:14,356
This is nice. It's funny to think,
if I'd married your mother, we'd all be...
549
00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:16,311
Yeah, all right! OK. Leave it.
550
00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:24,914
I wanted you to know that if I was to mislay
anything that was extremely important to me,
551
00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:29,318
then I would probably rush down to
the lost property office as soon as possible.
552
00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:30,919
- Even if it was shut?
- Even if it was shut.
553
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:34,635
Even if it was the middle of the bloody night,
I would bang on the doors.
554
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,877
There wouldn't be anybody there,
they'd be at home in bed.
555
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:39,752
You should go to their home address
and bang on their door.
556
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,348
- OK. I'll do that.
- I'd get the police onto you.
557
00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,153
- Would you?
- (giggles )
558
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:46,508
I'm a bit confused now.
559
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:50,519
Am I still the lost property
or do I run the lost property office?
560
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:52,471
- I'll come back to you on that.
- OK.
561
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:53,510
(phone ringing)
562
00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:56,200
I'll get it.
563
00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,276
I'll get the phone.
564
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:02,236
I'll just, er...
565
00:40:05,720 --> 00:40:07,517
Yeah, it's me.
566
00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:10,359
How's it going?
Has anyone mentioned the dwarf?
567
00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:13,836
The dwarf? No, no.
Do you think I should test the water?
568
00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:16,838
Do you think I should check
if anyone's heard anything?
569
00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:18,279
How about no?
570
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:21,358
- Well, no, I would have done it discreetly.
- Not possible.
571
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:23,436
Guy. What about you?
572
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:26,632
Well, who's the best-looking person
you've been compared to?
573
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:28,830
Yeah, in my case it's Jude Law.
574
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,110
And the worst person
you've been compared to?
575
00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:32,514
Brigitte Nielsen.
576
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:36,952
Yeah, I'm sorry. This concept
is just far too sophisticated for me.
577
00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:39,913
My turn. Best - Angelina Jolie.
578
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,315
- Ah, very nice.
- And worst - Miss Piggy.
579
00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:43,316
Ah...
580
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,159
I want to talk to the Growler.
581
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:47,315
It's not convenient.
582
00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:49,396
No, no, I want to.
583
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:58,877
Hello, is that the Growler? Is it?
584
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:00,228
Grr grr grr.
585
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:06,597
This is Doctor Sniffy
come to visit you in your little panty cabin.
586
00:41:06,720 --> 00:41:09,188
- Are you done yet?
- Sniff, sniff, sniff. Mm... Sniff.
587
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:13,632
Shall I give you a great big mouthy
muff nuzzle? Yes, let's play yum-yums.
588
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:17,036
- Hello, Dr Statham!
- Oh, what? Hello?
589
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:19,515
Hello, Dr Statham!
590
00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:21,358
Er... Hello, Joanna?
591
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,677
Well, OK. Best - Wayne Sleep.
592
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:26,552
(laughter)
593
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:27,874
Worst - Dustin Hoffman.
594
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,468
Ah... Wayne Sleep's lovely.
595
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:34,195
Ah, Dr Statham, Dr Statham.
Right, here he is. OK, who's your best?
596
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:35,878
- Your very best?
- Pardon?
597
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:39,675
We're playing a comparisons game
and we've all said who our best and worst is,
598
00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,074
so who's yours?
599
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:44,317
- I'm not at liberty to say.
- We've all shared with each other.
600
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,351
- Come on, Alan.
- It's a truth game.
601
00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:48,755
- This is the circle of trust.
- No, I can't.
602
00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,998
Well, OK. That's fine.
You can't be in our gang.
603
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:54,633
All right, all right.
604
00:41:54,760 --> 00:42:00,551
The worst, erm... I was 23.
She was called Phillipa Matthews.
605
00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:04,309
I was inexperienced. She was in
the middle of a very heavy menstrual cycle
606
00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:07,557
and there was a lot of
unpleasantness and anger.
607
00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:12,237
And the best one?
608
00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:13,634
Oh, well, erm...
609
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:17,070
As at least one other person here
would agree, no contest. Joanna Clore!
610
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:19,430
(laughter)
611
00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:23,678
Perfect person to have a sexual relationship
with. You name it, she'll do it.
612
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:24,755
Oh!
613
00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:28,635
So, am I in your gang now?
614
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:32,952
- Yep.
- Oh, good. So what was everybody else's?
615
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,356
I don't... I don't really think
that that matters any more.
616
00:42:36,480 --> 00:42:38,948
But I think what we need is more wine!
So let's get some.
617
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,470
As your mother would say, Martin,
bottoms up!
618
00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:45,353
In... the cupboard.
619
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:50,352
To being dumped.
620
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,276
Absent women.
621
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:56,553
Cheers, Caroline.
622
00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:59,433
Cheers, erm...
623
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:01,915
- Harriet.
- Harriet. Harriet.
624
00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,837
There's your friend, look.
625
00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:11,109
Jesus!
626
00:43:11,240 --> 00:43:13,913
Laugh, laugh. Then maybe
she won't come over. Please.
627
00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:15,996
(they laugh )
628
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:18,835
It gets me every time.
629
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:20,996
Hello, boys. What's the joke?
630
00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:23,315
- I can't...
- I can't remember what we said.
631
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:26,989
- It wasn't very funny, but...
- Go on, share, share.
632
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,476
- We were just having a private conversation.
- That's right.
633
00:43:30,600 --> 00:43:32,636
Not very friendly, is it?
634
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:38,315
- Cosy.
- Yeah.
635
00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:42,670
Share a cab later?
636
00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:44,597
Erm... yeah, I'm not sure.
637
00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:46,870
You're not going back with Mr Gullible,
are you?
638
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,036
- Well, I...
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
639
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:50,878
- What?
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
640
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:51,955
Why shouldn't I?
641
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,196
Have you forgotten
what he's put you through?
642
00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:58,313
Forgotten - no, forgiven - perhaps.
I can see the situation he was in.
643
00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:02,752
Forgiven already? No no no no no no,
no no no no, no no no, no no no.
644
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,519
- What?
- He has to be shown that it hurt.
645
00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:08,108
Mm-hm? And what would you recommend?
646
00:44:08,240 --> 00:44:12,518
Well, I would recommend that you come back
with me and I'll help you through the pain.
647
00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:14,870
That is far, far too good of you.
648
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:18,310
I know, but, hey, what are lodgers for?
649
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,829
Paying rent.
650
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:22,712
I hate you.
651
00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:26,632
Rent boy.
652
00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:43,476
Did you ever think that maybe
we just weren't supposed to get together?
653
00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:45,355
Why would you say that?
654
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:50,508
Oh, you know, the coma,
the memory loss, Holly.
655
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:54,110
It just seems like destiny is agin us.
656
00:44:54,240 --> 00:44:56,151
' Agin us' ?
657
00:44:56,280 --> 00:45:00,512
It's like ' against'
only it's just a bit more olderer.
658
00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:19,276
Hah! I'm here!
659
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,436
Yeah. Sorry I'm late.
660
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:27,475
First things first. I have got
a petite announcement-ette to make.
661
00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:30,717
Ladies and gentlemen...
662
00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:36,516
I am pregnant! Oh, yes, that's right.
663
00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:39,359
Heavy, heavy with child.
664
00:45:39,480 --> 00:45:41,948
And the best bit is, it's...
665
00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:43,229
yours!
666
00:45:44,720 --> 00:45:48,349
- Mine?
- No, it's Dr Macartney's!
667
00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:50,436
- Yes!
- For fuck's sake...
668
00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:51,834
No, wait, wait, wait!
669
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:54,918
No, let's try this again tomorrow, shall we?
670
00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:57,031
- Thanks, Boycie!
- See you.
671
00:45:57,160 --> 00:45:59,469
I didn't want to break up the happy couple.
672
00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:01,955
We're not a couple!
That would be far too simple!
673
00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:04,310
They're not a couple.
674
00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:05,873
You're not pregnant.
675
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:07,956
Really?
676
00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:16,915
Fancy a threesome?
677
00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:18,996
Not really, no.
678
00:46:19,720 --> 00:46:23,235
- Looks like it's just you and me, Lyndie.
- No... thanks.
679
00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:25,510
No, we... we're gay.
680
00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:30,116
No, you're not.
You've been out with Todd the Plod.
681
00:46:30,240 --> 00:46:32,037
Thought she was a man.
682
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:35,869
As soon as I found out she had a... vulva,
I dumped her.
683
00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:40,873
And, erm... I've just come out as a gay.
684
00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:45,313
- I see.
- Mm.
685
00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:47,795
- Sorry.
- Yeah. Sorry. Bye.
686
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:51,599
Fine. Kiss.
687
00:46:51,720 --> 00:46:53,233
- What?
- What?
688
00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:55,237
Kiss.
689
00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:58,318
If you're gay, kiss and then I'll go.
690
00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:32,996
Fags!
691
00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:38,552
It seems like everything I touch
now turns to gold.
692
00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:41,319
- I had a big win on the old scratchcards.
- Yeah?
693
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:44,318
Yeah. Yeah. And my psoriasis
has gone into remission too.
694
00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:48,797
- Stuff like that happens all the time, mate.
- Well, not to me. I feel I'm blessed.
695
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:52,276
You ought to put your money
where your mouth is. Fiver a go?
696
00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:54,356
- Well, go on, then.
- OK.
697
00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:56,959
Heads.
698
00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:57,830
Tails.
699
00:47:57,960 --> 00:47:59,916
Yeah, well, yeah...
700
00:48:01,240 --> 00:48:03,390
- Heads.
- Tails.
701
00:48:04,160 --> 00:48:06,310
Caroline was a lucky girl.
702
00:48:07,920 --> 00:48:09,876
Thanks, mate.
703
00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:15,153
I've had a tattoo done -
of your favourite thing.
704
00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:16,395
What?
705
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,795
- Do you want to see it?
- No.
706
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:21,911
Fancy doing it again with no clothes on?
707
00:48:22,040 --> 00:48:23,996
(both ) No.
708
00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:29,711
See how much I love you? There.
709
00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:31,956
- Where?
- There.
710
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:33,877
Heads!
711
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:35,752
Tails!
712
00:48:35,880 --> 00:48:37,996
- Tails!
- Heads.
713
00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:44,835
Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub,
and who do you think's been there?
714
00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:49,112
The butcher, the baker,
the candlestick maker...
715
00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:53,348
various family members.
716
00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:55,869
Is that a cow?
717
00:48:56,000 --> 00:49:00,152
You said it was your favourite thing,
so I had one put on my ribs.
718
00:49:00,280 --> 00:49:02,077
What is?
719
00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:05,431
A Friesian, one of your favourite things.
720
00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:10,632
- What is?
- A Friesian, one of your favourite things.
721
00:49:14,680 --> 00:49:17,877
Freesia. Freesia - the flower!
722
00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:28,996
- You sure?
- Sure.
54991
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.