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1
00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:05,714
Wake up or the kitty gets it.
2
00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,912
- So, how far have you got?
- Oh, I'm just getting to the good bit.
3
00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:10,598
Oh, you mean the bit
where he sleeps with his...
4
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,199
Yes, thank you.
5
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:15,517
Don't get all motherly-doverly with me.
I'm not the sentimental type.
6
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:21,272
I'm allowed to observe and take part, as long
as I'm signed in and out. Them's the rules.
7
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,075
Three little fishies and a mama fishy too
8
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,317
You've been in a coma.
9
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:36,355
- What happened on the day of the accident?
- What accident?
10
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:39,836
Bollocking shitbags!
11
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:52,878
Ah, no, thank you. Thank you for a super
bit of... Oh, my goodness, this is terrible.
12
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,197
I'm so sorry that it was you, of all people,
should have caught me.
13
00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:00,518
I've just been in the bush there, having...
having sex with an attractive young lady.
14
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:04,872
- I hope you're not upset or jealous at all.
- No, not jealous.
15
00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,594
He's not right outside cos if he was,
I'd see him,
16
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,597
because I actually am right outside.
All right?
17
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,029
Just tell the truth, you knob!
18
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:16,675
Have you actually sent a taxi for me or not?
19
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,756
Rather in demand these days, you know.
20
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,952
Rather chuffed also.
She said some of the best sex she's ever had.
21
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:26,358
Really? I don't believe that. Unless she's
a virgin and had nothing to compare it with.
22
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:31,031
- Even then she'd be disappointed.
- Well... well, she is... was a virgin. So...
23
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:36,029
All right, Pinocchio, how long would it take
to get a taxi here in reality, without lying?
24
00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,230
I see.
25
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,271
Dick splash!
26
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,038
I'd like to stay and meet your new friend.
27
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:46,199
I don't think that's appropriate.
Wait, wait, I'll just...
28
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,990
Yes. Um...
29
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:51,951
She's resting.
30
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:56,517
- No... I remember you. Don't you...
- Your boyfriend's touching my breasts.
31
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,712
- I'm protecting you, my bushy darling.
- He's being unfaithful.
32
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,637
No! Um...
33
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,513
You sad, bandy-legged mule.
34
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:12,993
Yes, well, I think there's a green-eyed
monster lurking in your bony pants.
35
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,793
Green-eyed panty monster!
36
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:29,274
- Hi, Mac.
- Sue White.
37
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:48,949
Shoot, Mac, you know how to get a girl
all hot under the collar.
38
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:53,517
- Good to have you back, Mac.
- Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Sue.
39
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,797
I am awake.
I am definitely awake.
40
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:27,950
Oi! Yeah, everyone knows
buses are just mobile asylums!
41
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,198
Yeah, that's right. Run away!
42
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,833
- Hey, Mac.
- Hey.
43
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,235
How are the misty watercolour memories?
44
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,989
Uh, yeah, one or two glitches, but...
Who are you?
45
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,556
- You back on full duty?
- I should be back in theatre this afternoon.
46
00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:57,593
I get the official all clear this morning,
if I remember rightly. And...
47
00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,995
I only get the all clear if I remember rightly.
48
00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,076
(laughs )
49
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,396
At least I'm out of my pyjamas
cos that wasn't doing the image any good.
50
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:08,873
(laughs )
51
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:13,312
I don't know. At least you were always
ready for bed. No, if you were tired, I mean.
52
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,829
- God, what a twat!
- You're calling me a twat?
53
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,520
Yeah. No, that's... that's me.
I'm the twat.
54
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:23,634
I just meant it was nice to see your clothes...
day clothes, proper clothes, fully dressed.
55
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,354
Really nice to see
your clothes as well, Dr Todd.
56
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,075
Caro... Caroline, Car...
You... you always call me Caroline.
57
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,713
- Do I?
- Yes.
58
00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:33,796
Mac, we're ready to go through these now.
59
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,913
Excuse me. Just gonna fiddle with a couple
of screws to make me run better. Geoffrey.
60
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,476
So no recollection of anything
in the 24 hours prior to the accident
61
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,354
and patchy - I would say, 20 to 80% -
during the previous eight weeks,
62
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,711
but, as we've already said,
that shouldn't affect your ability to work.
63
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,035
I have to work. Damn.
64
00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,870
- Why me?
- You're still the same person.
65
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,434
It's like being trapped in a parallel universe.
66
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:02,155
- Just tell him what happened.
- He might not believe me. I've no witnesses.
67
00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,397
Well, look, he knows his mind's gone a bit...
So just tell him.
68
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,115
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
' Hi, Mac, I'm... you know, I'm Caroline.'
69
00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:13,438
' You know, the one who you found irritating
at first, but then you really, really liked me.'
70
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,630
' And now we're kind of a couple.'
71
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,638
' So there we go, I've filled in the gaps.
Let's go to bed.'
72
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,639
- Well, maybe not in so many words.
- Less words?
73
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,513
More words.
You know, perhaps you could soften the blow.
74
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,235
- Soften the blow?
- No, not... not blow exactly. Not blow at all.
75
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,555
The tragic bombshell
that he goes out with me?
76
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:32,669
Didn't say that.
77
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,711
- You said blow.
- Figuratively.
78
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,070
I didn't think you meant
knock him over the head.
79
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:41,352
Now, that's not a bad idea. Might make
the awful truth come flooding back.
80
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,631
The awful truth? That's not ambiguous at all.
You said awful truth.
81
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:48,548
I did, I did. I said awful truth.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
82
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,877
I don't really know what I meant by that.
83
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,231
Useless circular bastards.
84
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,754
- Are you asleep?
- No.
85
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,950
You were.
You were asleep while you were kissing me.
86
00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,196
I wasn't.
87
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:43,790
Yeah, I was, but that's because
we've been kissing for ages and...
88
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,354
I'm exhausted by all the sex we did last night.
89
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:51,793
Oh, my God.
You fell asleep while we were doing passion.
90
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,480
- I don't believe it.
- Ow!
91
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:59,669
Look... Listen, I was just napping.
I don't see what the big deal is.
92
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:05,909
I always do that when we're kissing.
It's never bothered you before.
93
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,350
Kim, have you got a fag?
94
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,836
Any... anyone got a fag?
95
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,591
Tight bitches.
Where have you been, stationery boy?
96
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,676
Fag break.
97
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,033
Low tar? What are you, a girl?
98
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,678
' I put it to you that...
that I'm the victim in this case.'
99
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,190
' I put it to you...
I put it to you that fate... fate...'
100
00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,880
Oh, God. Calm down.
You didn't know she was your mum.
101
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,310
You didn't mean to have sex with her.
It's not your fault. Act normal.
102
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,876
- Dr Secretan, good morning.
- Good mummy.
103
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:09,040
Jesus! Oh, God!
104
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,876
Morning.
105
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:24,153
Once again, that looks fine. We have to keep
an eye on these things, but I'm very happy.
106
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,352
Oh. Oh, oh.
107
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,153
- Oh. Oh, my God. It's true.
- What?
108
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,635
What they're saying
about Mac being a vegetable.
109
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,557
- No.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
110
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,796
Not even a little bit of brain damage?
111
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:41,277
There's some memory loss,
covering a few weeks prior to the incident.
112
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,072
- Accident.
- Incident.
113
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,276
- Accident.
- Incident.
114
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:52,071
Accident. So you won't remember
that you owe me GBP500
115
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:57,149
and you lost your bike to me in a poker game
and you promised to get your anus sewn up?
116
00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,556
No, no, no, no. But I do remember
117
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,274
- that you're a perm-headed wanker.
- Ginger freak.
118
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,516
- Yeah, spoon face.
- Thimble cock.
119
00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,790
- Doughnut dick.
- Doughnut dick?
120
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,315
- I'll just leave you two to your...
- Don't go.
121
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,273
I just came to have a look
at cabbage-soup brain.
122
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,356
Incident.
123
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:23,792
- Isn't it the internal inquiry today?
- Yeah.
124
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,071
You should have made a bit of an effort
with your appearance.
125
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:31,079
You can't stop touching me, can you? Did you
dream of me when you were in a coma?
126
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,918
- In a Swiss chalet?
- Every night.
127
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:37,795
Me massaging melted Swiss chocolate
into your freckly buttocks?
128
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,753
You're all a bunch of fatties.
129
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,951
You can't have that.
You're far too fat.
130
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,076
Come on. Answer. Answer.
131
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,992
- Hello, Joanna Clore.
- Oh.
132
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:18,633
Oh.
133
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,716
Oh, dirty, dirty.
134
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:25,868
- Is that you, Alan?
- Oh! Super! This is the best I've ever had.
135
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,993
- Alan, is that you?
- Yeah, touch me there. Touch me.
136
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,076
(makes erotic noises )
137
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:38,639
(fakes orgasm )
138
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,192
- Hello.
- Sorry, to whom am I speaking?
139
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,550
- It's Joanna Clore.
- Oh, how awful.
140
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,717
You must have just heard me having...
having full sex.
141
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:59,153
- You weren't, Alan. You were pretending.
- I was having full sex. I was having sex...
142
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,794
With... uh... Dr Todd.
143
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,036
When you accidentally dialled my number?
144
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:08,199
Yes. As I was thrusting, I dare say my naked
bottom pressed against the speed dial.
145
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:12,677
I'm so very sorry that you... you were party
146
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:17,316
- to my enormous orgasm just then.
- Don't apologise to me.
147
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:21,319
Although, since you're on loudspeaker,
you might want to apologise to Charles...
148
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,635
- Hello, Alan.
- Hello, Charles.
149
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,716
- ..Simon...
- Alan.
150
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,070
..and Dr Todd.
151
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,760
Dr Statham.
152
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,512
(sheepishly ) Hello.
153
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,108
We were just preparing
for an internal tribunal.
154
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,710
That's good because...
I'm glad you're all there because...
155
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:45,277
What I'm doing here is highlighting
the whole, uh... business of conference calling
156
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,995
and the risks inherent in the security lapses
that are clearly going on.
157
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,076
Goodbye.
158
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,110
I admit, to an outsider,
it probably doesn't look great.
159
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:22,028
- How do you think it looks to an insider?
- Probably not great.
160
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,674
One of our anaesthetists steals an ambulance
161
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:29,191
containing one of our top surgeons
and a junior doctor and drives it over a cliff.
162
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,551
- Top surgeon? What about top anaesthetist?
- What about top arsehole?
163
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,672
What about Topshop? What about Top Gun?
What about Top Cat?
164
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,155
Susan. Shh!
165
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,355
I was mentally distressed.
I'd suffered something of a shock.
166
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,516
Can we not go into details?
167
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,029
I think we're all aware of the circumstances.
168
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:54,071
Joanna Clore's office.
Yeah, putting you through.
169
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,192
Hello, Human Resources.
Yes, I'll just put you through.
170
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,312
- On a brighter note...
- You are dead after all?
171
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,874
No. On a brighter note,
it looks like I shall be getting back
172
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,514
my Noel Coward style dressing gown.
173
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,678
Which I wore...
174
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:14,351
Yes, well, I'm sure we're all very relieved.
Isn't there something else you'd like to say?
175
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,391
Uh, I don't think so.
176
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,556
- What's the magic word?
- Abracadabra?
177
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:22,911
Can you hold? I'll just put you through.
178
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,079
Hello. Certainly, I'll just pop you through.
179
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:31,955
- You're just cutting them off, aren't you?
- Yep. Hello, Joanna Clore's office.
180
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,469
How would you normally
express your gratitude?
181
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,989
- You want a tip? Is that ethical?
- Verbally.
182
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,680
Oh. Yeah, well. Hmm.
183
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,198
- Thank you.
- For?
184
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:51,793
For having me and also
for smoothing things over with the GMC.
185
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,275
Thank you for letting me go back to work.
186
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,154
And thank you for da music.
187
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,276
The songs I'm singing.
188
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,756
Thanks for all de joy they're bringin'.
189
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,199
- Well? When will he remember?
- When will who remember?
190
00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,038
- He... remember me?
- He being?
191
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,071
- Mac.
- And me being?
192
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,636
Well, me, obviously.
Tell me what's happening.
193
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,719
He has partial trauma-induced memory loss.
It's very common. It's not my fault.
194
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:35,753
Although I'm glad you've stopped shaking me,
I'd prefer it if you let go of my lapels.
195
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:40,192
But I need to know. He needs to remember
that I... that we... that...
196
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,118
That for 20 minutes we were in love.
197
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,754
Wow. Serious, then? A whole 20 minutes?
198
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:50,829
- Watch it, you. We had build-up too.
- Ooh! Build-up! Well done.
199
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,110
Now, if you don't mind.
200
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,231
- What?
- I'd like to pee.
201
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:58,318
- Oh, yes, yes. Carry on.
- Thank you.
202
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,950
Not surprised he wants to forget you.
203
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,036
Nightmare.
204
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:23,509
Yes, there's a certain amount
of intercostal wear and tear further down,
205
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,393
which could indicate
a number of problems, to wit...
206
00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,476
To-whoo!
207
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:36,312
To wit to-whoo, surely. Sorry.
Was that not what you were going to say?
208
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,671
- Am I an owl, Mr Boyce? Hm? Am I?
- Well, you are very wise.
209
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,234
Well, well... Well, then. Yes, yes, I am.
210
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,476
- And a little feathery.
- I am not feathery.
211
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,229
I think you are. Slightly feathery to the touch.
It's a subjective thing.
212
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,397
- I am objectively, empirically non-feathery.
- I disagree.
213
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,796
- You can't disagree if you've never felt me.
- Oh, yes, I have.
214
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:59,436
I... You... No, well, I'm finished.
Goodbye. Everybody leave.
215
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,677
- What about the intercostal wear and tear?
- You'll never know, will you, Mr Boyce?
216
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,189
Oh, I'm sorry. Have I ruffled your feathers?
217
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,754
- I'm not feathery! Me, no...
- Clearly in denial.
218
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:11,236
- And you, Mr Boyce, are an insufferable twit.
- To-whoo.
219
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,635
Stop. Stop it.
220
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,309
Go on, everybody leave.
What are you still doing here? Go on. Do it!
221
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,635
- To-whoo.
- Stop it!
222
00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:25,710
Right, I'll shut my eyes and if you're still here
when I've opened them, then... oh...
223
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,316
Oi!
224
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,915
- Yeah, baby. Give me five.
- Why?
225
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,430
I have just got the all clear.
Permission to carve has been granted.
226
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,915
I got the all clear,
so you should give me five.
227
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,917
OK, well, let's give each other five.
228
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,952
No, you should give me six
cos my struggle has been greater.
229
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,834
- I should give you six? Give me seven.
- I'm not giving you seven. Why seven?
230
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,520
- I was out through no fault of my own.
- Don't start that again.
231
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,200
I think we should,
since numbers of fingers are at stake.
232
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,753
Give me fucking eight!
233
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,440
I've been through personal hell
and this is all the sympathy I get?
234
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,676
Give me nine.
What about my personal hell?
235
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,756
You slept through it.
What sort of hell is that?
236
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,950
Give me ten
or I'll put you in a fucking coma.
237
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:15,277
How are you going to do that?
Talk to me?
238
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,073
All right, then, Rip Van Winkle.
239
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,156
Let's call it quits.
240
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:26,156
See, you thought I gave you ten, but actually,
I took two away, so I only gave you eight.
241
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,350
- I win!
- Great to have you back.
242
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:32,189
You know what?
It's great for you to have me back.
243
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,709
- No, it's great to have you back.
- Thanks.
244
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,751
On my team.
245
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,309
On my team.
246
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,113
Right. These are for you.
247
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,116
These are for you.
248
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,636
And these are for you, dumpy.
249
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,320
Right. All this lot needs transferring
onto your database,
250
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,477
so I want you to make a new file up here.
251
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,034
These need to be transferred over here.
252
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:04,349
These need to be transferred down there and
these... well, you shouldn't have these at all.
253
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:08,996
What are these doing on it? Look, you're going
to have to take all this and put it back here,
254
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,270
and create a new f...
255
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,517
Did you just push a banana down my top?
256
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,153
Yes.
257
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,956
Take it out, please.
258
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,200
I'm going back to my office now.
259
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,276
Confiscatio.
260
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,836
- Right, I need a word.
- Oh, my God. Um...
261
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,997
Oh, goodness. Jeez, oh.
You caught me with my net on.
262
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:11,635
- Yeah.
- I'll... Hang on. Just... There you go.
263
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:17,834
Oh. Now, Dr Macartney, I hear you're going
to be wielding that knife again this afternoon.
264
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:22,158
That's great news.
We would have struggled on a single income.
265
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,794
- Miss White, I wonder...
- It's ' Mrs' now, actually.
266
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,990
Oh. You got married while I was out of it?
267
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,759
Yeah, we... I did.
268
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,190
- Good. Congratulations. I wonder...
- And congratulations to you.
269
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:37,438
- For?
- Well, for... for coming out of your coma.
270
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,279
Yeah, I did. Which has caused
a bit of a problem, so...
271
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,834
Do you think you could just shut up
and listen to me for a couple of seconds?
272
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,270
Yes, I do. I... I do.
273
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,516
- I do.
- (wedding music plays )
274
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,871
- What for you can I do?
- What is that? Is that music?
275
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,479
- No.
- (music stops )
276
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,317
Oh, yes. I'm a free man. I won.
277
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,510
Out of my way, Jizebel.
278
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,829
Come on, Karen, let's eat outside.
279
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,394
Oh, my legs have gone to sleep.
280
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,194
Yeah, I walked all over them.
They begged for my forgiveness.
281
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,470
No. You got your driving licence back?
282
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,797
That's right, Fartin.
They overturned the court's decision.
283
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,038
And they made fox-hunting compulsory
for the under-fives and they banned water.
284
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,912
Water? No, not drinking water?
285
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:30,430
Drinking water, Rain Man, yes, yes.
And dribble.
286
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,313
- Have you ever heard of a Verity Lesbirel?
- No.
287
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:37,638
Don't rush. Take your time. Give you a clue -
she's the head of personnel at Sheffield.
288
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,911
Lesbirel, Lesbirel. Stupid name.
I would have remembered.
289
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:45,079
Only I've been talking to her on the phone
and she was very surprised to hear from me.
290
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,953
Very, very.
Very, very, very, very, very surprised.
291
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:52,710
Do you know why? No? Because, apparently,
someone had told her that I was dead.
292
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,877
- No.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
293
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,992
Guess what? They've given my job at Sheffield
to somebody else.
294
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,270
- Well, never mind.
- No, but I do mind.
295
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:05,598
- Did you just say ' I do' ?
- I did. I do. I did.
296
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:09,474
I want to know who took the time and trouble
to tell Mrs Lesbirel that I was deceased.
297
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,716
Who knows? It's a complete mystery.
298
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,149
No, not a complete mystery.
Couple of clues.
299
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,955
The woman who called was indeed a woman
and she was also Scottish.
300
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,231
Oh, no, well, it must be me.
That's what you're thinking, isn't it?
301
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:24,591
I'm the only Scottish woman in all creation,
then it has to be me.
302
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,712
That's it. It's a fair cop, guv.
I'm bang to rights. Arrest me.
303
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,400
- Just...
- ( wedding music)
304
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:36,515
Just be very careful in future
305
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,393
if you want to be taken seriously.
306
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,752
Oh, I'd rather just be taken.
307
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,916
Who's for a celebratory game of Guyball?
308
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,157
Yeah. I gotta go. Got to stock up on water.
Good to have you back, mate.
309
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,635
Cheers... mate.
310
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,716
Yep.
311
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:59,792
- She's a bit horrible, you do know that?
- What, Boyce?
312
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:04,994
No, your bird. Miss Curly Wurly,
I'm no Liz Hurley. Little Miss Rickets.
313
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:08,874
- Well, I like her and that's all that matters.
- Well, each to their own.
314
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,151
Does she let you use her badge for parking?
315
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,113
Well, she's not disabled.
She's not.
316
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:18,277
Yeah, right.
What's she like in bed? All timid and tense?
317
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,392
- Does she keep her cardie on? Am I warm?
- You are freezing.
318
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,670
She's mad for it. She's like a wild animal.
319
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,438
- What, like a zebra?
- No, wilder.
320
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,312
- A warthog?
- Wild.
321
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,715
- Fish?
- Exactly. Yeah, she's...
322
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:31,876
- I feel like I'm eroding.
- You're a rodent?
323
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,677
Yeah. No, I feel like I'm eroding, like...
I feel like I'm fraying at the edges anyway.
324
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,597
- Bullshit.
- Seriously.
325
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,030
You're making it up as you go.
You haven't got your winky wet once.
326
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,833
Listen, I can't get a moment's peace
with that girl.
327
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,350
She likes it up her
even when she's got the decorators in.
328
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,232
- Decorators?
- Yeah.
329
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,430
You mean when she's got the painters in?
330
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,553
Exactly. When she's got the painters
and decorators in and the carpenters.
331
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,272
No, it's just painters.
332
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,675
When she's got them in, she likes it up her.
333
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,633
You're not a real man
until you've got blood on your sword.
334
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:06,716
Urgh!
335
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,516
Urgh!
336
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,916
OK, Joanna.
337
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,110
I am immediately feeling
quite a bit of tension in there,
338
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,834
so I want you to go ahead and relax.
339
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,916
Just relax.
340
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:39,116
- Yeah, just try and relax.
- Yeah, I... I am.
341
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,428
Let's just relax. Just relax.
342
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,630
Oh, relax. Relax.
343
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,069
Relax, relax.
344
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,555
Relax. Oh, relax.
345
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,116
Look, we're all back.
346
00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,516
Yeah, but I don't really
remember who you are.
347
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,997
Yeah, well, as long as you remember
in which order to put the organs back in, in.
348
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,714
What an odd thing to say, say.
349
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,990
Relax, relax.
350
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:13,157
Just relax, relax. Just relax.
351
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:15,350
Relax. Relax.
352
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,996
Relax. Just... Just relax.
353
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:24,352
- One, two, a-one, two, three, four.
- Actually, I'm a bit worried now.
354
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:26,436
Wuss.
355
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:32,794
Ooh! No, not like that. Don't hold it like that.
356
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,390
Oh, my God. He's a butcher.
357
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,999
Be careful with that.
That's the bit that they need to...
358
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,839
They won't be able to eat asparagus
if you cut that bit out.
359
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,916
Et tu, Caroline.
360
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,719
- Aren't you two dating?
- No, one date. One date.
361
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,399
- One date and now we're married.
- No, no, we're not married.
362
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,034
- She likes to pretend we're not, but we are.
- We're not.
363
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,674
I can draw an accurate diagram of her labia
with a spirograph.
364
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,473
No, he can't. He can't. Guy, shut up!
365
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,955
Oh, she does go on, the wife.
366
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:13,194
In fact, if you want to see what it looks like...
367
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,436
(machine beeps )
368
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,550
OK, Joanna,
now that we're a little more relaxed,
369
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,955
I'd like to try something a bit different.
370
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,197
Get on with it.
I do have an office to run, you know.
371
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,517
I'd like you to imagine all that unpleasantness
that you've been going through recently
372
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,428
is currently locked away in a little box
deep, deep inside.
373
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,676
Good. Locked away.
374
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,756
What I... No, Joanna, it's a bad thing.
375
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,952
And we need to open that box
and we need to deal with the contents.
376
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,991
- Oh.
- OK?
377
00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:51,270
So on my count of three,
378
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:54,437
what we're going to do
is lift the lid right off of that box.
379
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,152
All right?
380
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:57,793
So...
381
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,275
One, two...
382
00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:03,590
- Agh! Agh! Agh!
- Whoa. Hey!
383
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,632
- Agh! Agh! Agh!
- Whoa. Hey. Come on.
384
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,035
- Agh! Agh! Agh!
- Back in the box. Back in the box.
385
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,038
- Agh! Agh! Agh!
- Back in the box. Back in the box.
386
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:13,912
- Agh! Agh!
- Back in the box.
387
00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,999
Put it back in the box!
Sorry, but we... we don't need that.
388
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:21,430
That's... OK. Let's just... OK.
389
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:23,596
Let's just try and relax.
390
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,037
What do you think you're playing at?
How insensitive can you be?
391
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:30,559
- Very sensitive.
- You are not.
392
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,113
Touch me down there
and see what happens.
393
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,389
Emotionally insensitive.
394
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:34,953
Why do you behave like that?
395
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:38,709
You know that I'm trying to get Mac to piece
together what happened between him and me,
396
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:42,116
and yet, at this very crucial time, there you go
filling his head with your complete bollocks.
397
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,118
My complete and utter bollocks
wouldn't fit into his tiny head.
398
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:49,279
Parts of them would, but not the whole lot,
because they're completely massive.
399
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,595
Why did you say we were married?
400
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,551
It was a joke.
401
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,593
It doesn't exactly put me in a good light.
But I ran with it for the sake of the joke.
402
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,188
What? Being married to me
would make you look bad?
403
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:02,595
Well, only a bit desperate.
404
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:07,191
I can't make you out. I can't decide whether
you're a complete prick or an utter twat!
405
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:08,719
Why do you have to be so serious
about everything?
406
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,398
Because it is serious!
407
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:14,399
Right, OK, OK. So you want me to help you
get through to Mac?
408
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,750
- Yes.
- All right. OK.
409
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:21,795
What would... what would you say to him
if you could, in an ideal world?
410
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:27,153
Uh... I'd say... I'd say...
' You mean everything to me.'
411
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:30,829
' And I just want things to be the same
as the way they were between us before.'
412
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:36,910
That's very nice. Say it again,
but, you know, say it with feeling this time.
413
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,230
You mean everything to me
414
00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,636
and I just want things to be the same
as the way they were before.
415
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,070
Oh. I knew it. I knew there was
something going on between you guys.
416
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,760
Well, you're very perceptive.
417
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:58,428
Thank you so very much for all your help!
418
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,516
No problem.
419
00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,999
Oh, did that tickle? A bit there.
420
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,674
- (knock at door)
- Yes, come in. No, go out! Go!
421
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:27,436
And come in.
422
00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,076
Could I... could I have it back now?
423
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:36,510
- What?
- Can I have it back, please? My Potty Putty.
424
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:39,677
Well, I dare say you can.
425
00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:43,793
You're a big, strong boy and I've no doubt
that if I were to hand it over to you,
426
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:48,038
you would be able to hold it
and therefore have it in your possession.
427
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:53,473
- May. May I have my Potty Putty back?
- Thank you.
428
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:56,990
Go on, then, take your pity... pu... po... potty,
429
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,759
and go and do some growing up
somewhere else.
430
00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:05,079
Oh, by the way, Professor McMay
does want to come and discuss your lecture.
431
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:08,795
- Professor McMay from Pedantics.
- I don't know any Professor McMay.
432
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:13,391
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get it wrong again? Sorry.
Professor McCann from Paediatrics.
433
00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:19,072
Would you just cease? He's a very important
man. You're not to play with his name. Right?
434
00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:22,351
No. When is he coming? The professor?
435
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,838
- The 21st of Can.
- 21st of Can.
436
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,796
Just a...
437
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:37,158
Confiscatio secundo... tempore.
438
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,191
On your way.
439
00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:49,236
Hello again, my darling.
440
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:57,470
Right. I found cover for Tuesday and
Wednesday, so I just need you to sign that.
441
00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:01,559
And then I can take it and...
It's really warm today, isn't it?
442
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:06,117
Yeah, it's muggy.
It is definitely quite muggy, yeah.
443
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:11,395
All right. Thanks.
444
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:14,671
It's your pen. Is that your pen or mine?
445
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:19,830
You are... You're still a wanker, though.
446
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:22,520
(Guy ) Yeah, yeah.
And I'll put my cock in your eye.
447
00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:34,077
- It's me - Martin.
- Yeah, I know. I can read your name badge.
448
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,953
- Shit.
- Why are you dressed as Michael Jackson?
449
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:39,275
Because I'm trying to avoid the little woman.
450
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:41,356
Karen? Why?
451
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:46,914
I can't do any more kissing and I can't
do any more sex. I feel swollen up.
452
00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:49,679
- I feel like I've been punched in the mouth.
- Looks all right to me.
453
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:51,711
- No, down there.
- Your downstairs mouth?
454
00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:55,276
Yeah. I feel like I've chafed my cock.
455
00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,551
Oh, I see. It is the honeymoon period.
I'm sure it'll calm down.
456
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:02,593
No, no, she scares me. We don't talk
or anything. We just do the dirties.
457
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:05,154
Well, maybe you should finish it.
458
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,033
Yeah, well, that's what Guy says.
459
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:16,314
Look, the thing is, if I go near her,
she'll just make me have sex with her.
460
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,796
- So phone her.
- Yeah, right.
461
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:22,559
Yeah, right! That is brilliant.
462
00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:30,111
Hi, Karen. Hello, yeah, it's Martin.
463
00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:34,028
Um... Martin, your boyfriend. Well, actually,
I wanted to talk to you about that.
464
00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:38,915
Um... I'm not any more because I'm finishing
with you. Yeah, right. OK, goodbye.
465
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,076
Well done. How did she take it?
466
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:43,191
Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good.
467
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:45,550
Um... It's voicemail.
468
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:47,636
Nice one.
469
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,916
Hot and single.
470
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,756
Hot, hot, hot.
471
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:14,271
' What are the five most important qualities
in a woman?'
472
00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:20,748
Why are these things so full of rubbish?
Five qualities, what does that mean?
473
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,233
Aha.
474
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:24,828
Guy said there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding earlier.
475
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:25,790
Did he?
476
00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,673
He said there was never
anything going on between you two.
477
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:29,550
Did he?
478
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,274
In fact, he said he'd never be seen dead
with anyone like you.
479
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:32,912
Did he?
480
00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:36,953
- Yeah, which I thought was a little harsh.
- Yes, yes, it is.
481
00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:38,957
So you... Um...
482
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:44,234
What would you say are the five
most important qualities for... for a woman?
483
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:48,319
Ah... Tough question for someone who's
just getting familiar with the here and now.
484
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,954
What's a tough question?
485
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:54,277
- Five top qualities in a woman.
- I was asking Mac, actually.
486
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:58,393
Oh, five qualities.
That's easy. Number one - bendy.
487
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:00,556
- Unpredictable.
- Number two - shaved.
488
00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,114
Must appreciate the genius of The Kinks.
489
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:07,916
- Number three - slightly anorexic.
- Thoughtful eyes.
490
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:12,875
- Uh, four - about sort of 5% lesbian.
- Should be in touch with her masculine side.
491
00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:18,313
And finally,
mustn't be too smelly in the cellar.
492
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,396
- Compassionate.
- Ugh!
493
00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:23,080
So you come up with
an unpredictable yet compassionate,
494
00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:26,829
slightly masculine Kinks fan with eyes.
495
00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:29,713
I know. It's an impossible dream.
496
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:32,596
In the cellar.
497
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:36,916
Down below.
498
00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:20,316
Penny for 'em?
499
00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:27,432
I was just... wondering
what it would be like if Karen hung herself.
500
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:35,032
Dr Macartney, um, pleased to see you've been
passed fit to join the ranks once more.
501
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,674
And I would like to put that on the record.
502
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:43,352
You're making a record? That is brilliant.
When's it going to be in the shops?
503
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:48,076
No, um, I'm not talking about a piece of vinyl,
as... as... as very well you know.
504
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,954
No, I know. It's all digital, isn't it?
CD, iPods nowadays, that sort of stuff.
505
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:55,356
Maybe I think I could
download your remark from the internet.
506
00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:57,516
I can't make a simple statement
without it being pounced upon?
507
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,154
I told you, you should make
your tutorials less erotic.
508
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,510
- My tutorials are irrelevant.
- So I've heard.
509
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:04,596
My point is,
we may not have seen eye to eye.
510
00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:06,278
Yeah, what is that? Is that a film?
511
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:10,359
That's it! This is the last time I attempt
a rapprochement with you, Dr Macartney.
512
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:12,675
Rapprochement. Wow, that is
an amazing French accent you've got.
513
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,678
No, too late to be nice now.
You had your chance.
514
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:17,518
(rolls tongue) Rapprochement.
515
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:19,437
- It's a long word and you said it beautifully.
- Well, that's...
516
00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:21,516
How do you get your tongue round
all those French letters?
517
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:25,030
I dare say it's a certain amount
of practice and a natural bent.
518
00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,116
Yes.
519
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:33,919
You! You think you're
so farting clever, don't you?
520
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:37,589
All hail, thou beauteous nursey nymph.
Be mine.
521
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:47,356
Mine's still higher.
522
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:07,668
You really got me, you really got me
523
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:11,031
Oh, yeah, you really got me going
524
00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:14,118
You got me so I don't know what I'm doing
525
00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:17,437
Oh, yeah, you really got me going
526
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:20,199
You got me so I can't sleep at night
527
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:23,949
You really got me, you really got me
528
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:27,072
Oh, yeah, you really got me going
529
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:29,350
You got me so I can't sleep at night
530
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,517
Oh, yeah, you really got me going
531
00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,632
You got me so I can't sleep at night
532
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:39,309
Oh, yeah, you got me...
533
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,516
I'll have to see.
534
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,915
Well, it might not be. I...
535
00:36:55,760 --> 00:37:00,788
Well, I don't know why.
I'll have to get back to you, all right?
536
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:14,554
Kim, Charles wants some other bloody
briefing. Just tell him to fuck off, would you?
537
00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:19,800
- What's up with her?
- Oh, she's got her iPod on random. Travis.
538
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,120
You think Travis is sad, do you?
539
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,950
There. Bet he's sad now.
540
00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:47,435
Oh, sorry. Oh, hello, Dr Statham.
541
00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:50,028
Ah, yes. You.
542
00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,193
We actually have
something in common, you and I.
543
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,799
- Do we?
- Yes. Yes.
544
00:37:55,920 --> 00:38:00,232
I once had a bit of a thing
with someone you know quite well.
545
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,351
Is it... Oh, Graham from Social Services?
546
00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:04,994
No, no.
No, that was actually a bad guess, wasn't it?
547
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,759
No, I was trying to be discreet
and not say Joanna.
548
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:11,270
Oh, sorry. No, forget that.
Oh, I'm a jelly brain sometimes.
549
00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,072
- Does everybody know?
- Oh, God, yes.
550
00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:16,158
- What?
- Famous for it. Complete jelly brain.
551
00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:18,475
Right, right. Yes, yes.
552
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:23,992
This is a fine little chinwag
we're having, isn't it?
553
00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:28,591
It's nice for the upper echelons to mingle
with the worker bees... every now and then?
554
00:38:28,720 --> 00:38:30,676
Busy, busy. I should really get...
555
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:34,395
You... you busy, busy little bee.
556
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:41,232
Sometimes, I think, too busy to look after
each other's needs and desires, isn't it?
557
00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:43,794
We may be from
different ends of the beehive,
558
00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:45,558
but we're not dissimilar, you and I, are we?
559
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:50,390
You know, I'm, as it were, senior bee
and you're clearly no-spring-chicken bee.
560
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:56,072
You're getting on a bit, but we have
a shared need for a certain amount of...
561
00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:59,510
- Touch... sex, sex. Would you?
- No. No!
562
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:01,915
No. No! No!
563
00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:07,194
No, why would you want me, huh? I mean,
look at me. I look like a household broom.
564
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:10,551
- Who'd want to sleep with a broom?
- A dustpan.
565
00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:15,549
A dustpan indeed, yes. And where would
one find a maritally unfettered dustpan?
566
00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:19,355
Um... Well, my husband found me
at evening classes.
567
00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,436
Evening classes?
568
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,758
Yes! Yes!
569
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:27,836
Thank you.
570
00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:35,513
So, in your state,
what you've probably forgotten
571
00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:37,596
is that you're actually quite shit
at this sort of thing.
572
00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:39,870
Even someone who was dead
and had been fully cremated
573
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,878
would still be fully aware
I am better at this than you.
574
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,355
OK.
575
00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:48,199
So the winner gets
to spend a night of passion
576
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:50,834
with the most desirable person
in the hospital.
577
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:53,758
No, hang on a minute, that's me.
I'd be spending a night with myself.
578
00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:56,553
Let's make that the most gorgeous babe
in the hospital.
579
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:58,875
Look forward to that. And the loser...
580
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:03,039
I think for the loser a night of terror
with the biggest freak in town,
581
00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:08,314
and that would be Dr Caroline Trodd,
the google-eyed Neanderthal.
582
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:12,149
Your parents were in a freak show,
weren't they? The Flying Gingos.
583
00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:18,435
No, they ran the show. They paid your wages.
Remember, the Swiss bearded lady boys?
584
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:23,310
Do you know what? I'd quite like
a night out with Caroline Todd,
585
00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:28,798
cos she has very interesting eyes and she
likes the Kinks, which is strangely endearing.
586
00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:33,152
I think I'm going to be sick.
Right. OK, pick a spoon.
587
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:39,354
Do you understand the rules
of the Spoon of Destiny?
588
00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:44,190
- I understand the Spoon of Destiny.
- Are you ready to play the Spoon of Destiny?
589
00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:48,029
- I'm ready to play the Spoon of Destiny.
- Well, let's get on with it, then.
590
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:49,991
Un, deux, trois.
591
00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:05,596
Karen!
592
00:41:08,680 --> 00:41:12,036
Yeah, nice. Um... About that message I left.
593
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,833
- What message?
- On your phone.
594
00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:16,837
- Oh, thanks.
- What for?
595
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:20,032
For reminding me.
I switched it off after a meeting.
596
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:23,232
Oh, I'll look for it for you, if you like.
597
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:26,989
- I can manage.
- That's all right. I don't mind.
598
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:32,431
- So can I have it?
- Oh, I... I can't seem to find it.
599
00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:35,836
- That's weird.
- Hmm.
600
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:40,476
- It's not in there.
- I must have left it on my desk, I suppose.
601
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,433
Won't be a minute. Give me a kiss.
602
00:41:47,240 --> 00:41:49,196
(gulps )
603
00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:58,516
- What's the matter with you?
- I've just eaten Karen's phone.
604
00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:04,397
Ah, clever. Although, maybe
you should have eaten her SIM card instead.
605
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:11,470
Don't worry, mate.
It'll pass straight through you. Like sweetcorn.
606
00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:17,153
Hey, what are you up to?
607
00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:19,953
- Drinking.
- I'll join you. I could do with some drinking.
608
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,071
Fine, but I must warn you
that I'm drinking to forget.
609
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:24,191
- Oh, yeah? What are you drinking to forget?
- Gin.
610
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:27,835
Are you drinking to forget
you look a bit like a man sometimes?
611
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:31,032
No, no. No, it wasn't that,
thank you very much, Martin.
612
00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:33,913
Oh, a pint of Guinness, please.
613
00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:36,508
And I'll have lots of shots in a pint glass.
614
00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:41,316
Do you wanna forget that one of your boobs
looks bigger than the other in that top?
615
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,112
No.
616
00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:47,233
Is it... drinking to forget about
Mac forgetting that you kissed him
617
00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:49,271
and that he might have gone off with
another girlfriend?
618
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:52,119
No, it wasn't because of that.
It wasn't. It was because...
619
00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:54,993
It was because... because my mum's died.
620
00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:58,874
What? What, she's dead?
That's fucking awful.
621
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:00,956
Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.
622
00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:06,119
- It's about Mac, isn't it?
- Yep.
623
00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:08,151
- She's not dead, is she?
- No.
624
00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:12,637
Well, good. That... that is horrible.
That's big shit, your mum dying.
625
00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:14,716
You shouldn't joke about that.
626
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:17,070
Uh... A pint of Guinness, please.
627
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:19,839
He's probably put vodka in that.
628
00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:27,518
Does one of my boobs
really look bigger than the other in this?
629
00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:29,596
Um, yeah, a bit.
630
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:33,796
(mobile rings )
631
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:54,194
The pain is ending.
632
00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:59,394
And my eyes closed, I feel your fingers
slipping from my hand.
633
00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:02,910
- Oh, dear.
- I sink into a mist that engulfs me.
634
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:07,955
- That's...
- I drift, I'm free.
635
00:44:11,240 --> 00:44:13,196
Louise, that was, um...
636
00:44:13,320 --> 00:44:16,710
Should I go next? Otherwise we'll not
have time to get round to everybody.
637
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:23,518
We don't have to rush at it, Alan. Just let
what Louise has said penetrate our souls.
638
00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:29,310
Yes, penetrated. There we are. Um...
639
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,076
Hello, I'm Alan.
640
00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:38,636
Carrier pigeon.
641
00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:47,476
Carrier pigeon.
642
00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:50,996
Carrier pigeon.
643
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:54,512
Carrier...
644
00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:56,596
of disease.
645
00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:00,989
O, gnarled claw, hobbling,
646
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:05,511
disease eating away at your very being.
647
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,150
Look out! A car!
648
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:13,876
I can't fly cos my wing is damaged.
649
00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:16,958
(beeps )
650
00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:20,354
(imitates flatline beep )
651
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:36,870
So, let it... let it penetrate.
652
00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:42,076
Get off!
653
00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:49,388
- What are you drinking?
- Gin and gin.
654
00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:52,159
It's like gin and tonic,
but you use gin instead of tonic.
655
00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:55,829
- Right.
- I find it relaxes me. Do you want one?
656
00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:59,032
- No, thanks.
- No, of course you don't, Miss Goody-goody.
657
00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:00,593
- I'm not a goody-goody.
- Yes, you are.
658
00:46:00,720 --> 00:46:03,792
You're like some kind of blonde Julie Andrews.
659
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:06,514
- Julie Andrews is blonde.
- Is she?
660
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:08,551
- Yeah.
- Fine.
661
00:46:08,680 --> 00:46:13,231
- You're like some Julie Andrews, then.
- No, I'm not.
662
00:46:20,720 --> 00:46:22,676
- See.
- Bloody hell, Angela.
663
00:46:22,800 --> 00:46:24,870
Yeah, I can drink like a fish.
664
00:46:25,000 --> 00:46:28,629
Comes from mainly having male best friends.
665
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:32,556
Where?
666
00:46:32,680 --> 00:46:35,035
Yeah, well, it's not right outside, is it?
667
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:38,630
- Problems?
- I preferred you when you were in a coma.
668
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:41,115
- I'll give you a lift if you like.
- On that thing?
669
00:46:41,240 --> 00:46:43,390
Well, it's perfectly safe.
670
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:47,672
Safe? Being driven by a man who, until
recently, was as alert as a broken stapler.
671
00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:50,712
- Can you remember what to do?
- I did manage to get here.
672
00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:54,469
All right, then, check your ogglers, then,
and let's do it to it.
673
00:46:54,600 --> 00:46:56,830
- My what?
- Your ogglers.
674
00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:00,157
Oh, don't tell me you've forgotten
what an oggler is. Jesus.
675
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:03,636
Your ogglers. Speed sphere.
676
00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:09,039
Uh, your whirly girls, your arse cradle, and
of course, very importantly, your head shell.
677
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:10,593
Shut up and get on.
678
00:47:10,720 --> 00:47:13,632
There she is, yes. Joanna Clore, hello! Yes.
679
00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:18,072
Look, look. Come here, yes.
Come and look. Get in position.
680
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:21,476
I'm going to put it in, so don't over...
Keep up with her.
681
00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:24,239
No, you overshot. Go back, back.
682
00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:29,476
- Oh, hello.
- What the hell do you want, Alan?
683
00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:33,912
What I want is to prove to you
that I don't need you for sexiness, thank you.
684
00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:36,270
- What?
- I'm having quite a good time without you.
685
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:39,676
Look at this lovely jiggling. In it goes.
It's gone in and it's coming out.
686
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:42,439
It's gone in, it's coming out.
And it's not with you, is it?
687
00:47:42,560 --> 00:47:45,518
' By now, your baby will be able to distinguish
688
00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:50,031
and respond to significant sounds
outside the womb.'
689
00:47:50,160 --> 00:47:52,720
' Some experts believe that classical music
690
00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:57,231
can acutely increase
the IQ of the unborn child.'
691
00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:00,352
This is a super bit of sex I'm having.
You're probably quite jealous.
692
00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:04,439
I suppose if jiggling about
with a bored prostitute counts, then...
693
00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:08,792
Well, it's proper sex, don't you deny it.
It's proper sex and I'm having it not with you.
694
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:11,957
- Hmm, oh, look.
- Can you actually feel anything?
695
00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:13,911
- I've still got my tights on.
- Don't barge.
696
00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:24,833
If you think I'm sitting with my bell-end
wedged up against your buttocks,
697
00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:30,717
you've got another thing coming. Watch your
veebs, check for traffmobiles and let's rock.
698
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,996
Agh!
699
00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:43,071
- Don't follow me.
- Come on! Change position.
700
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:47,432
Keep with her. I'm going on top now.
I'm popping it in now.
701
00:48:47,560 --> 00:48:50,279
Oh, yes, lovely. She's very adept.
702
00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:56,354
Stop, you tit. I've done a pooh!
703
00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:04,317
Bit of oral! There's some oral going on now.
60400
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