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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:07,856 - I wasn't at your flat last night, 0K? - 0K. And nothing happened. 2 00:00:07,980 --> 00:00:09,971 No, nothing did happen. 3 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,816 - Fuck off! - Right, yeah. 4 00:00:15,940 --> 00:00:18,135 She's my secret lover. 5 00:00:19,940 --> 00:00:22,534 (warbling moans ) 6 00:00:24,060 --> 00:00:28,451 Whoever gets the newest member of the team to spend the night at their place is captain. 7 00:00:28,580 --> 00:00:30,889 - Why? - You're too late, I win! 8 00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:43,656 - I spoke to Holly yesterday. - 0h, yeah? Holly who? 9 00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:46,169 The one you spent six years with. 10 00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:49,053 - She's getting married. - Really. 0w! 11 00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:56,851 You're friends with Mac and Guy. Biggest scumbag? 12 00:00:56,980 --> 00:00:58,049 Guy. 13 00:00:58,180 --> 00:00:59,613 House-warming gift. 14 00:00:59,740 --> 00:01:03,972 I know you've had a dreadful day and that I'm partly responsible. 15 00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,931 I am deeply sorry. 16 00:01:22,860 --> 00:01:26,648 I thought I'd find myself a new place after my wife died. 17 00:01:26,780 --> 00:01:29,419 0h, I'm so sorry. Was it sudden? 18 00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:34,489 Well, I didn't notice it straight away - you know, sex was the same. 19 00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:37,737 But the dishes kept piling up. 20 00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:49,096 I like a laugh, me. 21 00:01:50,460 --> 00:01:52,337 Right. 22 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:59,975 Yeah, well, thinking about it, the room is... on the tiny side 23 00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:04,696 and has ridiculously low ceilings for a tall chap like you. And quite... smelly. 24 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,616 0i! Wankers! 25 00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:16,975 Yeah, still got the magic. 26 00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:33,093 Hey. 27 00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:35,656 - Hi, Lyndon. - Hiya. 28 00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:37,978 Hey, let me do that. 29 00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:39,897 All right? 30 00:02:40,380 --> 00:02:42,496 - Hi, Lyndon. - Hey. 31 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,457 Hey, Doc. 32 00:02:57,940 --> 00:03:00,170 0h... If you see a really pretty blonde girl, 33 00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:03,736 about 5'7'", green eyes, can you tell her I've gone to Radiology? 34 00:03:03,860 --> 00:03:05,612 I suppose so. What's her name? 35 00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:09,574 I've no idea. She might not even exist. But just in case. 36 00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:11,975 0h, are you looking for a lodger? 37 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,250 Yeah. All I've had so far are loonies. 38 00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:18,009 Thought I'd see if the staff here are more normal - ten fingers, no fur... 39 00:03:18,140 --> 00:03:20,335 - Why, are you interested? - No. 40 00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:25,739 I know someone who will be, though. There: '"Desperately seeking accommodation.'" 41 00:03:25,860 --> 00:03:26,815 Angela. 42 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:30,899 Yeah. She was sharing a house, but she wants to go a bit more exclusive. 43 00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:33,375 - Want me to track her down for you? - 0h, no, no. 44 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:36,890 I'll see her later. And she'll probably see this anyway. 45 00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:39,580 Don't forget, 5'7'", green eyes. 46 00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:41,736 I'll keep a lookout. 47 00:03:54,620 --> 00:03:57,214 (makes robotic noises ) 48 00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:03,819 Wow! It's never done that for me. 49 00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:07,296 - What? - I said it's never done that for me. 50 00:04:08,420 --> 00:04:12,049 - Alloy, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah. It's a Kevlar-carbon composite. 51 00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:14,740 You need the protection if you're sitting astride 52 00:04:14,860 --> 00:04:19,012 what is basically a big kid's stupid and very dangerous toy. 53 00:04:19,140 --> 00:04:21,859 I'm thinking about getting an Adamantium helmet. 54 00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:26,053 Yeah? That's the stuff the Wolverine skeleton's made out of, isn't it? 55 00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:30,219 Yep. Hardest metal in the world. 56 00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:32,058 Indeed, indeed, yeah. 57 00:04:32,180 --> 00:04:34,774 Sadly, of course, a fictional metal. 58 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:40,054 So that would probably reduce its effectiveness in a crash-style scenario. 59 00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:43,448 Good point. Good point. 60 00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:47,771 Still the hardest metal in the world, though. 61 00:04:49,020 --> 00:04:50,612 Fictional. 62 00:04:55,940 --> 00:04:58,693 - (inhales ) - Too close. 63 00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:06,695 You smell lovely, of beautiful garden centres. It makes me want you right now. 64 00:05:06,820 --> 00:05:12,019 0h, do shut it, Alan. Unless you've got something useful to say, don't bother. 65 00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:19,218 If you boil a kettle with vinegar, it gets rid of the unpleasant residue. 66 00:05:20,180 --> 00:05:22,091 - Nick it. - What? 67 00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,654 Nick the chocolate bar. 68 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:28,375 - I'll buy it for you. - No, if you really wanted me, you'd nick it. 69 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:31,936 Come on, Alan, where's your sense of danger? It might make me horny. 70 00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:34,779 - 0h, God! - Go on, just nick it. 71 00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:51,019 Ah... That's... 72 00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:56,418 - Excuse me. - Are you talking to me? 73 00:05:56,540 --> 00:05:59,612 Yeah. Could I have a word? Could you step to one side? 74 00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:00,616 No! 75 00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:02,617 - Pardon? - No, I won't! 76 00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:06,779 - You want it discussed in front of everyone? - Yes, yes, I do. 77 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:10,893 - 0K, what have you got down your trousers? - Trousers? 78 00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:16,097 A Snickers 50% bigger size. I saw you through the two-way mirror. 79 00:06:16,220 --> 00:06:18,336 Yes. Yes, you did. 80 00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:21,369 - Hand it over. - Yes, I will. 81 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:24,378 I will, yes, because there we have it. 82 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:31,178 The... So other colleagues... putting... for reasons best known... 83 00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:33,689 And that's why we have this situation. 84 00:06:33,820 --> 00:06:35,970 Ugh! It's all melted. 85 00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:39,649 Yes, those were my exact words to... to them. 86 00:06:39,780 --> 00:06:43,739 And therefore I accept your apology. Goodbye. 87 00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:54,818 0oh! 0oh, Men's Health? '"Ten steps to a flatter stomach.'" No need. 88 00:06:54,940 --> 00:06:58,569 '"Sex: what she wishes you knew.'" Yes, yes, duh, obviously. 89 00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:02,170 They like that... Sucking's better... And they like it hard and rough. 90 00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:06,088 '"Combat hair loss.'" (scoffs ) '"Get a harder body in ten minutes a day.'" Got one. 91 00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:09,929 '"How to click with women.'" Already can. Clickety-click, click-click. 92 00:07:14,820 --> 00:07:18,449 Do you sell cigarettes? I need cigarettes - do you sell them? 93 00:07:18,580 --> 00:07:23,335 - You do know this is a hospital? - I know. I work here. Look, Dr Caroline Todd. 94 00:07:23,460 --> 00:07:25,849 You should know better then, shouldn't you? 95 00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:28,210 Perhaps you can tell me where I can get some? 96 00:07:28,340 --> 00:07:32,174 Don't they say 70% of all ill people are ill because they smoke? 97 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:37,328 Did I say '"lecture'"? Sorry, I meant directions to the nearest shop. Real shop, that is. 98 00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:40,258 - Caroline... - Careful, Angela, I might bite. 99 00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:43,816 Somebody might be about to die if I don't find some cigarettes. 100 00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:45,737 0h, I see. 101 00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:49,489 - How's your house? Is it 0K? - My house? Yeah, it's great. 102 00:07:49,620 --> 00:07:52,134 Will you be all right living there all by yourself? 103 00:07:52,260 --> 00:07:55,570 Yeah, yeah. I'm a big girl - figuratively. 104 00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:58,692 So you're not looking for lodgers any more? 105 00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:01,819 Sorry? 106 00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,170 Boyce told me about your advert. 107 00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:08,816 Yes. Yes, yes, I'm looking for lodgers. Sorry, I misunderstood you. 108 00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:10,851 Nicotine deficiency. 109 00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:12,971 Dah-nah! 110 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:16,410 - Am I too late? - No. All I've had so far is psychopaths. 111 00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:19,816 0h, great. Well, I'm not a psychopath. (manic giggle) 112 00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:22,056 I'm not. So can I come and see the room? 113 00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:24,410 Well, no, the thing is, do you smoke? 114 00:08:24,540 --> 00:08:26,337 - No, I don't. - I do. I did. 115 00:08:26,460 --> 00:08:28,769 I gave up, but my lungs are sentimental 116 00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:31,494 and when I'm under pressure they start to woo me. 117 00:08:31,620 --> 00:08:33,736 Quit Line! 118 00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:36,615 So can I come and see the room? 119 00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:41,450 Yes, please do. Yes, please do come. Absolutely. I won't take no for an answer. 120 00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:43,696 Thanks, Caroline. 121 00:08:55,380 --> 00:09:00,932 I wasn't aware that the actual act of smoking causes lines to form around the mouth. 122 00:09:01,060 --> 00:09:02,732 What, cos of the...? 123 00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:07,809 Well, yeah. I mean, you do that 20 times a day, it's going to have an effect, isn't it? 124 00:09:07,940 --> 00:09:09,976 (inhales ) 125 00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:20,178 Bloody hell! 126 00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,495 - You all right? - No, I'm not. 127 00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:26,977 I hate it when men say, '"I can't remember saying that,'" or, '"I was only joking.'" 128 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:31,139 - 0r, '"I didn't mean it like that.'" - 0r, '"You only hear what you want to hear.'" 129 00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:33,933 Yeah. 0r, '"I'm actually a woman.'" 130 00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:35,937 Exactly. 131 00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:39,250 A man's actually said that to you? 132 00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:40,813 Yep. 133 00:09:40,940 --> 00:09:45,536 Harriet, did you get the contract document sorted for the smoke unit... stroke unit? 134 00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:47,332 Yeah? Great. 135 00:10:35,340 --> 00:10:37,615 Stop smiling, dear. 136 00:10:45,420 --> 00:10:47,376 - Hey. - Hi. 137 00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:51,459 - Hey, Debs. - Hi. 138 00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:57,170 - Er, my domain. - Sorry? 139 00:10:57,300 --> 00:11:03,250 You are entering my territory, yeah? I am the master of all I survey. 140 00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:08,252 In here... I perform the most delicate and intricate 141 00:11:08,380 --> 00:11:11,053 operations and procedures on the human body. 142 00:11:11,180 --> 00:11:16,777 If, God forbid, something should go wrong, somebody dies. 143 00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:20,256 That's it. The end. 144 00:11:20,820 --> 00:11:22,572 You've killed them. 145 00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:27,091 No, but it's over. You can't just buy another one. 146 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:30,292 Yeah? You can't just... Sorry. 147 00:11:30,420 --> 00:11:38,577 You can't just swap up to a G4 megahertz kilodrive whopper thing, whatever, 0K? 148 00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:40,895 I'm at the cutting edge. 149 00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:46,973 Stand aside please, information-technology boy, somebody needs my help. 150 00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:51,894 - Nurse, what have we got? - Knee arthroscopy. 151 00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:54,011 Right, tricky, yeah. 152 00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:58,019 You see, it's not all about a pretty-boy face around here. 153 00:11:58,140 --> 00:12:01,416 All right, little lady, let's get this show on the road. 154 00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:05,452 0i! Back off, butcher! 155 00:12:29,220 --> 00:12:32,496 - (plays sopranino recorder) - No... 156 00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:35,412 Mm... 157 00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:40,816 (murmurs ) 158 00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:45,258 (knock at door) 159 00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:48,258 Just came to get the Jarvis MRI file for Dr Macartney? 160 00:12:48,380 --> 00:12:49,256 Yes. 161 00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:53,692 - I didn't know you were a recorder player. - I have many strings to my bow... recorder. 162 00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:56,050 Great. So, can I have the file? 163 00:12:56,180 --> 00:12:58,011 Er, yes. 164 00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:02,329 0K... Erm, I think Mac needs it quite urgently. 165 00:13:02,460 --> 00:13:05,770 Nearly there. Ready in a minute. 166 00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:10,212 - 0K. Shall I get it? - No, it's complicated. It's one of many. 167 00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:14,013 I'll... Erm... 168 00:13:17,740 --> 00:13:21,096 - So, this is... - Don't touch my sopranino! 169 00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,697 I have it. 170 00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:26,012 No, no... 171 00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:28,893 0h, my God! What the fuck is that?! 172 00:13:30,340 --> 00:13:32,058 Erm... 173 00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:36,332 You're probably thinking that in some bizarre way 174 00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:41,978 that my playing the recorder has caused, erm, an expansion down below. 175 00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:46,218 - I wasn't thinking that, but I am now. - If you were, you'd be sorely mistaken. 176 00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:48,979 0f course, cos most people think of bouncing breasts. 177 00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:52,217 - As I do. - Good, good. Good. 178 00:13:52,340 --> 00:13:54,296 So, does it work if anyone plays it? 179 00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:58,379 No, don't put my instrument in your lips! 0h, dirty! Filthy! 180 00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:01,458 - Cheerio. - Man spittle! 181 00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:16,489 You know that thing about bringing in animals for patients to stroke? 182 00:14:16,620 --> 00:14:19,498 0h, God, yeah. Cancelled. Lack of funds. 183 00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:22,293 What?! What?! Fuck! 184 00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:27,856 0h... 185 00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:32,018 0K, come on now, shoo. Shoo, shoo. 186 00:14:32,140 --> 00:14:35,257 Come on, shoo-fly. Come on, kum ba yah. 187 00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:40,376 You want to think a wee bit about personal hygiene, darling. 188 00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,616 Now come on, let's get out of here. 189 00:14:54,540 --> 00:14:56,576 Aarrgh! 190 00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:59,009 I want nicotine! 191 00:15:01,260 --> 00:15:06,971 Then I'd like to meet a nice man and have a sexually charged, no-speaking affair. 192 00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:56,138 Guess who? 193 00:15:56,260 --> 00:15:58,376 No idea. Jack Nicholson? 194 00:15:58,500 --> 00:15:59,535 No. 195 00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:01,571 God, you're so predictable! 196 00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:05,534 - What do you mean? - Every day you do this hand-on-arse thing. 197 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:08,413 Well, I thought you... I thought you liked it. 198 00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:13,216 It wouldn't be so bad if you changed it a bit, if you used something other than your hand. 199 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:17,538 But, oh no, hand on arse, hand on arse, every bloody day! 200 00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:21,778 Erm, I was just... 0h, I've dropped my pen there. 201 00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:27,378 No, no, that's no good. That was my suggestion. It's got to come from you. 202 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,092 - Derek... - Wednesday. 203 00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:33,259 You've got to be more exciting, a bit more, you know, spontaneous. 204 00:16:33,380 --> 00:16:37,498 - I'm sure that can be arranged. - No, no, no. 205 00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:40,851 It can't be arranged, that's the point. You've got to just do it. 206 00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:45,496 - All right, but when? - Don't ask me. It should be spontaneous. 207 00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:49,249 - Right, I'll have a think. - No, don't think. 208 00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:53,009 What do you mean, don't think? Where would we be if nobody thought? 209 00:16:53,140 --> 00:16:56,177 No art, no literature, no music, no medicine. 210 00:16:56,300 --> 00:17:01,693 We'd just be in the jungle like rutting, sweaty, dirty beasts. 211 00:17:02,380 --> 00:17:04,336 Well, that's a start. 212 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:14,376 Can I just warn you both, Mac's had some difficult news. 213 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,616 - 0h, really? News? - Yeah, about Holly. 214 00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:19,732 Ah, Holly, the tear-your-life-apart baby-killer. 215 00:17:19,860 --> 00:17:25,014 She's a friend of mine, and that's a bit unfair. She just wasn't ready to start a family. 216 00:17:25,140 --> 00:17:29,292 - That's what Mac calls her. - It broke his heart splitting up with Holly. 217 00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:30,773 What about her? 218 00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:34,131 I'm only telling you this so you can be supportive to Mac. 219 00:17:34,260 --> 00:17:38,936 She's getting married. Also, although I haven't found time to tell him this, she's pregnant. 220 00:17:39,060 --> 00:17:41,699 - Who's pregnant? - Holly the baby-killer. 221 00:17:41,820 --> 00:17:46,371 I'm sorry, Mac. I was going to tell you and I haven't found the moment. 222 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:50,698 I think we're out of milk, so I'll probably steal some from the nurses. 223 00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:54,369 0h, well done, Fartin! Nice and subtle. I like your style. 224 00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:57,731 - Who's she marrying? - John James Wyard. 225 00:17:57,860 --> 00:18:00,010 He's a hot consultant at St Thomas's. 226 00:18:00,140 --> 00:18:03,052 I know him. He's a really good bloke. Absolutely loaded. 227 00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:05,171 - Who's loaded? - Martin! 228 00:18:05,300 --> 00:18:07,609 - Martin is? - No. 229 00:18:07,740 --> 00:18:13,690 Holly's fianc�. Loaded. John James Wyard? Really, really decent chap. 230 00:18:13,820 --> 00:18:16,015 Tall, muscular, plays rugby. 231 00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:18,938 - Yeah, he sounds like a great bloke. - 0h, yeah, he is. 232 00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:24,214 Spent, you know, a year in Kenya curing sick children, and he leads his field... 233 00:18:24,340 --> 00:18:26,979 Cool. They'll probably be very good together. 234 00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:28,249 Yeah. 235 00:18:28,380 --> 00:18:35,013 And obviously he's got really good genes. That is going to be one good-looking baby. 236 00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:36,459 Yeah. 237 00:18:37,220 --> 00:18:39,290 Fuck you! 238 00:18:41,940 --> 00:18:46,855 Well! Sense-of-humour failure there from the quip-meister. 239 00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:48,652 What? 240 00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:54,056 I'm going to... get a thing from the whatsit. 241 00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:47,574 0K, swab on a stick. 242 00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:53,699 So, Dr Macartney, this man that Holly is marrying... 243 00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:59,577 She's only been with him since Christmas, and yet you were with her for... six years? 244 00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,930 Leave it. I'm serious, leave it. Scissors. 245 00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:06,133 He must be quite something. A real man. 246 00:20:06,260 --> 00:20:09,377 The kind of man a woman can imagine spending her life with. 247 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,092 0K. 248 00:20:15,740 --> 00:20:19,369 All that she wants is another baby 249 00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:26,813 All that she wants is another baby, yeah 250 00:20:26,940 --> 00:20:28,419 Scalpel. 251 00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:33,375 Have you ever seen The Terminator? It's about this cyber-woman that gets pregnant... 252 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:34,899 0w! 253 00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:39,409 Good, thank you very much. I think we're ready to close here. 254 00:20:39,540 --> 00:20:43,931 Let's close her up. Thank you very much. I'll deal with you in a minute. 255 00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:49,736 Hi, Caroline... 256 00:20:52,980 --> 00:20:56,052 Joanna, it's me. That should get you wondering. 257 00:20:56,180 --> 00:20:59,172 Er, if you come down to my office in five or six minutes, 258 00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:04,499 then something entirely spontaneous may be occurring. 259 00:21:08,740 --> 00:21:10,776 Wanker. 260 00:21:19,140 --> 00:21:22,018 0K, guys, can you finish him off for me? 261 00:21:22,140 --> 00:21:24,415 - Yep, can you finish me off? - Not you. 262 00:21:24,540 --> 00:21:27,100 - I'll be fine. - Thank you. 263 00:21:31,700 --> 00:21:34,419 I wasn't sure at first, but I reckon he's all right. 264 00:21:34,540 --> 00:21:38,897 Who, Mac? Depends what you mean by '"all right'", I suppose. 265 00:21:39,020 --> 00:21:41,454 Well, he seems to have his heart in the right place. 266 00:21:41,580 --> 00:21:45,175 Yep, mm-hm. 0utwardly, I suppose. 267 00:21:46,300 --> 00:21:48,814 - Something I should know? - I shouldn't really say. 268 00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:51,249 - What? - Hm... 269 00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:56,858 Went out with this girl Holly, she got pregnant, he dumped her. I'll say no more. 270 00:21:56,980 --> 00:21:59,448 - Is that true? - Yeah, on my life. 271 00:21:59,580 --> 00:22:02,936 I shouldn't really go into details, and don't say I told you. 272 00:22:03,060 --> 00:22:06,530 God. You never can tell. Is there something wrong with your arm? 273 00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:09,538 Ah, no, it's... Mac stabbed me. 274 00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:12,855 - Did he? - Yeah. I'm all right. 275 00:22:13,740 --> 00:22:15,856 Bastard. You never can tell. 276 00:22:15,980 --> 00:22:19,814 - You can't. You're doing a great job there. - Thanks. 277 00:22:20,620 --> 00:22:23,498 What I'm trying to say is I'm stressed out about my exams. 278 00:22:23,620 --> 00:22:25,212 - 0K, I've got you. - Yes. 279 00:22:25,340 --> 00:22:29,219 And that stress is getting bigger and bigger, snowballing into more stress. 280 00:22:29,340 --> 00:22:30,659 Snowball? 281 00:22:30,780 --> 00:22:33,533 Yeah, something that gets bigger as it rolls along. 282 00:22:33,660 --> 00:22:36,777 - Just leave the snowball out of it. - 0K. I'm just saying... 283 00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:40,256 - Snowball... - It's just a vicious circle of stress, 284 00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:44,692 and I want to be able to break that circle, and I don't know how to. 285 00:22:44,820 --> 00:22:49,098 Right. Well, it seems to me you're under stress. 286 00:22:49,220 --> 00:22:51,051 Yes. 287 00:22:51,180 --> 00:22:54,377 If you stopped being stressed, things would be a lot easier. 288 00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:56,218 Yes. 289 00:23:00,740 --> 00:23:05,530 Dr Secretan? Some post for you. It went to department office by mistake. 290 00:23:05,660 --> 00:23:08,732 - They're from abroad. - From Switzerland, from my father. 291 00:23:08,860 --> 00:23:11,135 - Gosh, is he Swiss? - Yep. I'm half Swiss. 292 00:23:11,260 --> 00:23:14,377 - What's the other half? - English, as far as I know. 293 00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:17,617 - You don't know your mother? - No, she died when I was born. 294 00:23:17,740 --> 00:23:19,492 - 0h, my God, how awful. - Hm. 295 00:23:19,620 --> 00:23:22,453 You never knew her. How sad. 296 00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:27,857 As you came into the world, she departed, so in fact she gave her life for you. 297 00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:30,414 God, that's beautiful, yet so... 298 00:23:30,540 --> 00:23:33,577 Yeah. Whenever I close my eyes, all I can see is her. 299 00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:36,260 - Stop! - Yeah, yeah... 300 00:23:36,380 --> 00:23:42,774 But I sense her presence. I feel her soft eyes and her loving face. 301 00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:48,896 Apparently she used to sing to me when she was pregnant, when I was in the womb. 302 00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:51,250 What did she sing? 303 00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:53,496 You know that song... 304 00:23:54,740 --> 00:24:00,417 '"Where's your mother gone? Where's your mother gone? Far, far away.'" 305 00:24:01,220 --> 00:24:04,178 Last night I heard my mother singing a song 306 00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:08,009 0o-ee, chirpy-chirpy cheep-cheep 307 00:24:08,140 --> 00:24:12,179 - I think it must've been before... - Well, anyway, she loved me and she died. 308 00:24:12,300 --> 00:24:15,736 And I will never know a mother's love, never. 309 00:24:15,860 --> 00:24:18,932 - Stop it, it's too sad! - It's so sad, you know. 310 00:24:19,060 --> 00:24:24,418 Snow fell, a carpet of white as they took out her young body, 311 00:24:24,540 --> 00:24:27,100 leaving behind her newborn son. 312 00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:30,451 I know. I know, I know. I know. 313 00:24:32,860 --> 00:24:35,328 Would you like to go out with me sometime? 314 00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:38,975 I could really do with a friend, and you kind of remind me of her. 315 00:24:39,100 --> 00:24:42,854 - You're young, you have all your life to lead. - Yes. Yes. 316 00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:45,016 - Thank you. - Yes... 317 00:24:47,140 --> 00:24:52,168 Nice. Must try that again on someone with smaller teeth. 318 00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:54,768 - Thanks. You've been really helpful. - No, I haven't. 319 00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:57,334 - Well, you've tried. - No, I didn't try either. 320 00:24:57,460 --> 00:25:00,657 No, we just filled a space in time really, didn't we? 321 00:25:00,780 --> 00:25:05,171 - Yeah, but that's all we can do, I suppose. - Yeah, that's the spirit. 322 00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:07,416 (both laugh ) 323 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,451 Now fuck off. 324 00:25:09,580 --> 00:25:11,696 (she continues to laugh ) 325 00:25:11,820 --> 00:25:15,210 Look, can I just ask, do you get stressed-out? 326 00:25:45,860 --> 00:25:47,816 0h... Thanks. 327 00:25:52,620 --> 00:25:55,088 Next! 328 00:26:31,340 --> 00:26:33,296 Come in. 329 00:26:34,380 --> 00:26:35,608 0h. 330 00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:38,891 Joanna said you had something for her. 331 00:26:42,940 --> 00:26:44,896 It's this. 332 00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:49,772 0n you go, because she'll be waiting. 333 00:27:03,460 --> 00:27:09,092 So, Lyndon, computers. They're funny old things, aren't they? 334 00:27:09,220 --> 00:27:11,211 Not if you speak kindly to them. 335 00:27:11,340 --> 00:27:13,934 I think you have to be immensely clever 336 00:27:14,060 --> 00:27:18,178 to really get to grips with the fundamentals of the IT world. 337 00:27:18,300 --> 00:27:20,177 - 0h, dear! - Jesus! 338 00:27:20,300 --> 00:27:25,977 0h, dear! I must have tripped over your enormous Neanderthal feet. 339 00:27:26,100 --> 00:27:27,658 Go away. 340 00:27:27,780 --> 00:27:31,295 It could've been your great big head with your shiny... 341 00:27:31,420 --> 00:27:35,049 - 0h, dear. - No, it's fine. No, don't worry. 342 00:27:35,180 --> 00:27:37,216 - Stop now. - Such a terrible thing... 343 00:27:37,340 --> 00:27:39,695 Come on. It's all right. 344 00:27:43,060 --> 00:27:44,778 You wanted to see me? 345 00:27:44,900 --> 00:27:49,815 Yeah. Now, I know it's sort of against hospital policy, but I've been thinking... 346 00:27:49,940 --> 00:27:53,489 Ah, yes, thinking. This is good. You may proceed. 347 00:27:53,620 --> 00:27:57,295 - You see, I had an idea... - (stuttering laugh ) 348 00:27:59,220 --> 00:28:05,489 I think you'll find me a reasonable woman. So please, tell me this idea of yours. 349 00:28:05,620 --> 00:28:10,489 Right, well, I was thinking about an indoor smoking area for staff - if they smoke. 350 00:28:10,620 --> 00:28:14,295 I know it might seem a bit retrogressive, as policies go. 351 00:28:14,420 --> 00:28:18,015 Yes, I would say it was unacceptable. A sign of weakness. 352 00:28:18,140 --> 00:28:20,176 I know we shouldn't really do it. 353 00:28:20,300 --> 00:28:24,054 But I think smoking areas would definitely make people's lives easier. 354 00:28:24,180 --> 00:28:29,618 As I see it, there's only one thing for it. We must contact Berlin without delay. Vorsprung. 355 00:28:29,740 --> 00:28:36,213 Berlin? 0h, what, some sort of centralised EU decision type thing... Hang on. 356 00:28:37,140 --> 00:28:40,018 Are you talking to me like a Nazi from a film? 357 00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:41,459 Erm... 358 00:28:41,580 --> 00:28:43,855 Nothing could be further from the truth. 359 00:28:43,980 --> 00:28:47,689 If you're talking like a Nazi from a film, I am going to complain to someone. 360 00:28:47,820 --> 00:28:51,130 I think zat zese things you are imagining. 361 00:28:51,260 --> 00:28:53,728 Right, you... (hisses ) 362 00:29:06,380 --> 00:29:08,769 Good luck, Tommy! 363 00:29:13,060 --> 00:29:14,937 - Bet you can't. - Bet I can. 364 00:29:15,060 --> 00:29:17,051 - Go on, then. - After you. 365 00:29:17,180 --> 00:29:19,853 - Promise you will too? - Tchah! 366 00:29:35,380 --> 00:29:38,292 - Not bad, Boycie, not bad. - Cheers. 367 00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:54,498 The point about public school is it's character-forming. 368 00:29:54,620 --> 00:29:58,499 Well, it certainly did form you into a rude, arrogant, selfish bastard 369 00:29:58,620 --> 00:30:00,895 with no interest in anybody but yourself. 370 00:30:01,020 --> 00:30:03,614 Thanks. But it also means that I know 371 00:30:03,740 --> 00:30:07,619 that '"selfish'" and '"no interest in anyone but yourself'" mean the same thing. 372 00:30:07,740 --> 00:30:12,097 Yes, yes. But so does '"fuck off'" and ... 373 00:30:12,820 --> 00:30:14,094 Piss off. 374 00:30:14,220 --> 00:30:16,529 - No, no, you piss off. - No, you piss off! 375 00:30:16,660 --> 00:30:18,616 - That's very interesting. - What is? 376 00:30:18,740 --> 00:30:24,451 We are just discussing the role of the public school in the creation of the Guy wanker. 377 00:30:24,580 --> 00:30:29,096 I always think it's terribly sad, those tiny kids being left to fend for themselves at school. 378 00:30:29,220 --> 00:30:32,610 That's the point. It teaches you to be self-reliant. 379 00:30:32,740 --> 00:30:35,937 Yeah, but these tiny kids turn up at this big Victorian building 380 00:30:36,060 --> 00:30:38,574 with their little shorts and all this luggage, 381 00:30:38,700 --> 00:30:41,897 and they won't see their parents again for months. 382 00:30:42,020 --> 00:30:46,411 Well, you see, no, it wasn't like that. For a start, my school was Edwardian. 383 00:30:46,540 --> 00:30:49,134 They don't know anyone, they're not sure where to go, 384 00:30:49,260 --> 00:30:53,219 they're scared of being bullied or homesick or crying and letting the side down. 385 00:30:53,340 --> 00:30:56,332 - It's just very sad. - Sad, yeah. Very, very sad. 386 00:30:56,460 --> 00:31:01,170 I don't know what you mean, because they were the happiest days, the happiest... 387 00:31:01,300 --> 00:31:05,259 I mean, what sort of a mother could do that to her own child? 388 00:31:05,380 --> 00:31:07,894 Guy's, probably. 389 00:31:11,340 --> 00:31:13,171 I have to go. 390 00:31:13,300 --> 00:31:15,336 - 0K, see you later. - Yeah, see you. 391 00:31:15,460 --> 00:31:21,330 I'll see you after double Latin. I think Pongo's going to bring some tuck up to the dorm. 392 00:31:32,380 --> 00:31:34,814 - (knock at door) - Er... 393 00:31:35,540 --> 00:31:39,613 Yeah... Er, come... come in. 394 00:31:40,540 --> 00:31:42,770 Hi. You paged me, having problems? 395 00:31:42,900 --> 00:31:47,291 Yeah, with the computer, er... yeah. But with my personal life, no. 396 00:31:47,420 --> 00:31:50,810 This little computer's, you know, fucked itself up, 397 00:31:50,940 --> 00:31:54,535 and I'll be right up the shitter if I don't get these notes to Surgical. 398 00:31:54,660 --> 00:31:58,539 0h, make way, stand for information-technology man. 399 00:31:58,660 --> 00:32:00,730 Is he the coolest guy in the hospital? 400 00:32:00,860 --> 00:32:05,888 God, someone's done a real job on this. It looks like a two-year-old's just gone mad. 401 00:32:06,020 --> 00:32:10,298 - It's going to take me some time. I'm sorry. - 0K, no probs, big boy. 402 00:32:10,420 --> 00:32:11,819 Yes... 403 00:32:11,940 --> 00:32:17,173 I understand you're quite a hit with the hospital staff. 404 00:32:17,300 --> 00:32:20,736 Attractive man, big... big bits. 405 00:32:20,860 --> 00:32:24,409 Joanna Clore, I think her name is - personnel manager. 406 00:32:24,540 --> 00:32:29,489 I think she probably has need of your... your skills, does she? She's mine. 407 00:32:29,620 --> 00:32:32,259 Yeah, she has been having a few problems lately. 408 00:32:32,380 --> 00:32:35,372 Had to work late a couple of nights. She keeps losing files. 409 00:32:35,500 --> 00:32:37,013 - She's mine. - Sorry? 410 00:32:37,140 --> 00:32:40,018 - She's mine... It's fine, it's just lime. - Yeah? 411 00:32:40,140 --> 00:32:45,260 Yeah, well, I'd better go and... split. I save lives. 412 00:32:45,380 --> 00:32:47,940 Right. I'll page you when I've sorted this mess out. 413 00:32:48,060 --> 00:32:50,369 She's... she's mine. 414 00:32:53,420 --> 00:32:55,217 She's mine! 415 00:32:55,340 --> 00:32:57,934 (mobile-phone jingle) 416 00:33:05,700 --> 00:33:08,168 - (jingle stops ) - Fuck off! 417 00:33:14,300 --> 00:33:17,019 (jingle starts up again ) 418 00:33:28,900 --> 00:33:33,257 Through fortitude and character 419 00:33:33,380 --> 00:33:36,338 We'll thwart the knavish hordes! 420 00:33:36,460 --> 00:33:38,018 (small sobs ) 421 00:33:38,140 --> 00:33:42,258 And show through our resilience 422 00:33:42,380 --> 00:33:45,452 0f our destiny we are lords! 423 00:33:45,580 --> 00:33:47,536 (whimpers ) 424 00:33:48,980 --> 00:33:51,130 (sobbing) S-s-s... 425 00:33:51,260 --> 00:33:53,820 Something something something 426 00:33:53,940 --> 00:33:56,408 Each and every day 427 00:33:56,540 --> 00:33:59,498 For Whiteleaf School we'll fight as one 428 00:33:59,620 --> 00:34:02,453 Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! 429 00:34:02,580 --> 00:34:05,299 What? Pleb! 430 00:34:19,820 --> 00:34:25,656 Apparently, if you eat lots of pineapple it makes your sperm taste nice. 431 00:34:25,780 --> 00:34:30,012 Right. Well, I'll keep that in mind for the future. 432 00:34:30,140 --> 00:34:33,735 And pubic topiary is the new pashmina. 433 00:34:33,860 --> 00:34:40,015 0h, yeah, yeah. You could have a heart done, or your initial, or a lovely swan. 434 00:34:40,140 --> 00:34:42,529 I could have a C for '"Caroline'". 435 00:34:42,660 --> 00:34:46,448 0h, no, people might think it's C for something else. 436 00:34:46,580 --> 00:34:48,411 '"Crazy'" or... 437 00:34:49,980 --> 00:34:53,416 0h, yes, the nasty C word. 438 00:34:53,540 --> 00:34:56,452 - Yeah, wouldn't want that. - No. 439 00:34:56,580 --> 00:34:59,890 Well, I mean, you don't want to signpost it anyway, do you? 440 00:35:00,020 --> 00:35:06,255 It's pretty obvious to... to any, you know... visitors... 441 00:35:07,540 --> 00:35:09,417 there. 442 00:35:09,540 --> 00:35:11,496 Well, I'd hope so. 443 00:35:21,780 --> 00:35:25,853 - Mr Howell's ready in cubicle three. - Thank fuck for that. 444 00:35:46,660 --> 00:35:48,616 (sobbing) 445 00:35:49,740 --> 00:35:53,016 (snivelling and gagging sounds ) 446 00:36:05,540 --> 00:36:07,496 Dr Secretan. 447 00:36:09,140 --> 00:36:10,653 Are you 0K? 448 00:36:10,780 --> 00:36:12,816 Don't touch me. 449 00:36:13,540 --> 00:36:18,455 - And you're hiding in the coats because...? - I feel safe here. It reminds me of... 450 00:36:18,580 --> 00:36:22,289 Being locked up at boarding school for tampering with your down-belows. 451 00:36:22,420 --> 00:36:25,969 Yeah. No! I just wanted some space. Could you just go away? 452 00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:30,457 No. Now, what's the problem? I'm here to help, to listen, to sooth. 453 00:36:30,580 --> 00:36:33,777 - My mother's womb is no more. - 0h, dear. Hysterectomy? 454 00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:35,891 No, she died when I was very young. 455 00:36:36,020 --> 00:36:40,969 I'm motherless, and my life is just a shambles without her and it's getting worse. 456 00:36:41,100 --> 00:36:44,410 - I mean, look at my eyes. - You have very nice eyes. 457 00:36:44,540 --> 00:36:47,657 - If a little on the pokey side. - Don't be nice to me. 458 00:36:47,780 --> 00:36:51,216 0h, all right, pull yourself together, you cretinous fuckwit! 459 00:36:51,340 --> 00:36:55,618 What sort of a man hides in other people's coats, rocking and whinging to themself? 460 00:36:55,740 --> 00:36:59,813 I'll tell you what sort of a man - a self-centred, egotistical wankpot! 461 00:36:59,940 --> 00:37:02,329 Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak. 462 00:37:02,460 --> 00:37:05,293 Men don't cry. They're strong hunter-gatherers. 463 00:37:05,420 --> 00:37:09,413 So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt, because that's what you do best! 464 00:37:09,540 --> 00:37:11,576 Fuck you, you ugly bitch! 465 00:37:11,700 --> 00:37:14,498 0h, that feels so much better. Fancy a quick fiddle? 466 00:37:14,620 --> 00:37:19,375 I am tempted, cos I'm all fired up. But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit. 467 00:37:20,940 --> 00:37:22,771 0h, you... 468 00:37:34,980 --> 00:37:37,096 - Are you going on holiday? - I wish! 469 00:37:37,220 --> 00:37:39,859 No, I'm just staying at a mate's tonight. 470 00:37:39,980 --> 00:37:41,572 Rach. 471 00:37:47,380 --> 00:37:49,814 That's so much better! 472 00:37:54,020 --> 00:37:57,615 0h, Dr Macartney. Mac, Mac. Er, Dr Mac... 473 00:37:57,740 --> 00:38:00,538 Can I ask your professional opinion? 474 00:38:00,660 --> 00:38:03,254 Yes, it's definitely a chest. 475 00:38:03,380 --> 00:38:05,257 Yeah, yeah, I know that. 476 00:38:05,380 --> 00:38:07,610 Good. Be a bit of a worry if you didn't. 477 00:38:07,740 --> 00:38:12,734 Shall we have another look? I would say it's the chest of a ten-, eleven-year-old boy. 478 00:38:12,860 --> 00:38:15,693 - Fuck off! It's my chest. - Really? 479 00:38:15,820 --> 00:38:18,209 - Can you see why I thought it's a boy's? - No. 480 00:38:18,340 --> 00:38:21,889 I was just wondering if, erm, if you could see anything wrong? 481 00:38:22,020 --> 00:38:24,011 No, it looks pretty clear. 482 00:38:24,140 --> 00:38:27,655 You shouldn't really use hospital equipment for your own diagnosis, 483 00:38:27,780 --> 00:38:31,329 unless you are ill, and then you should consult another doctor. 484 00:38:31,460 --> 00:38:35,339 I'm consulting you, aren't I? I also have a very sore throat. 485 00:38:35,460 --> 00:38:39,499 Do you think it could be cancer of the oesophagus? 486 00:38:39,620 --> 00:38:42,293 I... No, I don't think it is. 487 00:38:42,420 --> 00:38:47,175 Well, you haven't even examined me. I mean, don't you want to check my throat to be sure? 488 00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:49,734 Yeah, 0K, fine. Go on, open up. 489 00:38:52,180 --> 00:38:53,249 Hm... 490 00:38:53,380 --> 00:38:55,769 - Say '"ah'". - Ah. 491 00:38:55,900 --> 00:38:58,494 - Say '"aah'". - Aah. 492 00:38:58,620 --> 00:39:00,292 - Aaah. - Aaah. 493 00:39:00,420 --> 00:39:02,729 - No, aaaah. - Aaaah. 494 00:39:02,860 --> 00:39:04,498 - Aa-aah. - Aa-aah. 495 00:39:04,620 --> 00:39:06,929 Aarh... Aarh... Aarh... 496 00:39:07,060 --> 00:39:10,132 - You're a bastard! - You are completely fine. 497 00:39:10,260 --> 00:39:14,856 You know what you want to do? Maybe think about investing in some mouthwash. 498 00:39:20,380 --> 00:39:22,655 Ha-ha, minty fresh. 499 00:39:37,340 --> 00:39:39,934 (makes grunting noises ) 500 00:39:43,620 --> 00:39:46,692 0h, God! God, sorry! I'm sorry. 501 00:39:46,820 --> 00:39:49,209 Good, good. No, that's good, that's excellent. 502 00:39:49,340 --> 00:39:53,538 I can assure you, Miss Clore, that your toe bone is certainly not broken. 503 00:39:53,660 --> 00:39:56,458 - It's probably just strained. - Thank you, Dr Statham. 504 00:39:56,580 --> 00:40:01,176 Using the, er, the old pre-radiology diagnostic technique 505 00:40:01,300 --> 00:40:04,690 of checking for broken bones, erm, orally. 506 00:40:04,820 --> 00:40:08,495 Now I'd better get on my way - plenty more bones to suck... check! 507 00:40:22,980 --> 00:40:25,175 So what's your favourite colour? 508 00:40:25,300 --> 00:40:28,497 - Right now, black. - Black. Ah, I love black. 509 00:40:28,620 --> 00:40:30,611 Hi. Long day? 510 00:40:30,740 --> 00:40:33,732 If you're going to try and give me a shoulder massage, you can piss off. 511 00:40:33,860 --> 00:40:37,648 - I'll have whatever's making her hostile. - Sorry, sorry. 512 00:40:37,780 --> 00:40:40,214 Yes, long day, and it's about to get worse. 513 00:40:40,340 --> 00:40:42,854 - Am I that terrible? I'll go. - No, not you. 514 00:40:42,980 --> 00:40:45,778 - I've got to interview potential lodgers. - So I heard. 515 00:40:45,900 --> 00:40:48,130 0ne of them I'll find really hard to reject. 516 00:40:48,260 --> 00:40:50,649 - Why? - A friend, sort of. 517 00:40:50,780 --> 00:40:52,372 - Put them off. - I can't. 518 00:40:52,500 --> 00:40:55,219 It's easy. Go to Research Faculty, get a nice big rat. 519 00:40:55,340 --> 00:40:56,375 0h, please. 520 00:40:56,500 --> 00:40:59,492 Dead rat by the toaster, bye-bye friend. I'll sort you out. 521 00:40:59,620 --> 00:41:03,329 A very thoughtful offer, but, at the same time, also quite disgusting. 522 00:41:03,460 --> 00:41:07,612 It does work, cos Guy uses it in his flat to get rid of bunny boilers. 523 00:41:07,740 --> 00:41:09,856 - Are you still here? - Yeah, actually. 524 00:41:09,980 --> 00:41:12,414 Yeah, good joke, Mart! 525 00:41:14,660 --> 00:41:17,970 - I got you something. - What is it? 526 00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:20,773 What is the most valuable thing in the whole world? 527 00:41:20,900 --> 00:41:23,209 - Plutonium? - Christ, where did you get that?! 528 00:41:23,340 --> 00:41:25,490 Your privacy. 529 00:41:26,060 --> 00:41:27,413 A lock? 530 00:41:27,540 --> 00:41:31,579 It's bound to happen: Roger the lodger accidentally stumbles into your room, 531 00:41:31,700 --> 00:41:35,010 oh, what a surprise, he catches you in your underwear, 532 00:41:35,140 --> 00:41:40,419 and it's all, '"0h, so sorry, I seem to have got the wrong room, haven't got my bearings yet.'" 533 00:41:40,540 --> 00:41:44,692 It might be nice having a man around. I could pretend I can't unblock a U-bend. 534 00:41:44,820 --> 00:41:47,175 He could shake the spiders from my shoes. 535 00:41:47,300 --> 00:41:50,815 Yeah, you see, a spider here, a friendly word there, a nightcap, 536 00:41:50,940 --> 00:41:53,818 before you know it you're up against the kitchen units 537 00:41:53,940 --> 00:41:56,613 with your tongues down each other's throats. 538 00:41:56,740 --> 00:41:57,695 Who's Roger? 539 00:41:57,820 --> 00:42:03,372 The thing is - and trust me here - not all men are gentlemen, like me and Mart. 540 00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:09,496 I don't want to scare you, but I'd feel terribly guilty if I didn't try and warn you as a friend. 541 00:42:11,780 --> 00:42:16,251 Well, thank you. I do appreciate your concern. 542 00:42:18,300 --> 00:42:22,691 Thanks for the lock. There isn't one on the bathroom and it'll be really useful. 543 00:42:22,820 --> 00:42:25,288 Now you take care. 544 00:42:25,420 --> 00:42:27,490 I will. 545 00:42:27,620 --> 00:42:29,417 See you. 546 00:42:33,620 --> 00:42:35,611 That was really thoughtful, Guy. 547 00:42:35,740 --> 00:42:40,370 Yeah, well, I'm not having some teenage runt porking her before I've had my turn. 548 00:42:40,500 --> 00:42:42,570 - I'll tell her you said that. - 0ooh! 549 00:42:42,700 --> 00:42:47,091 Well, it'll make a change from '"What's your favourite colour?'" 550 00:42:55,340 --> 00:42:58,173 - Coming for a drink? - Er, probably not. 551 00:42:58,300 --> 00:43:01,417 - Really? - No. I'm going to go for a spin. 552 00:43:02,700 --> 00:43:04,656 Lovely. 553 00:43:06,460 --> 00:43:08,257 Do you want a ride? 554 00:43:08,380 --> 00:43:13,932 Isn't that a health hazard? And you wonder why they won't make you a consultant! 555 00:43:16,940 --> 00:43:19,056 (revs engine) 556 00:43:26,500 --> 00:43:31,494 I don't have much storage space here. Do you have a lot of clothes? 557 00:43:31,620 --> 00:43:33,417 Do you have any pets? 558 00:43:33,540 --> 00:43:35,292 Children? 559 00:43:49,020 --> 00:43:51,375 - Hello. - (football commentary on radio ) 560 00:43:51,500 --> 00:43:53,172 Hi. 561 00:43:53,300 --> 00:43:55,450 I'm going to see a room tonight. 562 00:43:55,580 --> 00:44:01,689 Yeah, it's a really good area, and it's very handy, so it would be stupid to ignore it. 563 00:44:01,820 --> 00:44:03,856 The landlady's a bit weird. 564 00:44:03,980 --> 00:44:07,609 I don't think I'll mention you just yet. I don't want to put her off. 565 00:44:07,740 --> 00:44:11,369 You know what these single saddos can be like about couples. 566 00:44:11,500 --> 00:44:16,699 So I think what I'm going to say is that, you know, I just see you from time to time. 567 00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:19,129 (exciting passage of play ) 568 00:44:19,260 --> 00:44:21,535 What do you think? 569 00:44:21,660 --> 00:44:23,491 - (goal attempt missed) - What do you think? 570 00:44:23,620 --> 00:44:26,134 - 0h, come on! - 0i! (turns off radio ) 571 00:44:26,260 --> 00:44:29,138 What are you doing? I was listening to that. 572 00:44:29,260 --> 00:44:35,176 Yes - trying to stick your ears into the radio, even though the speakers are in the doors. 573 00:44:47,100 --> 00:44:49,056 Have you got an internet connection? 574 00:44:49,180 --> 00:44:52,775 Cos I like talking to internet ladies, you know, on the internet, 575 00:44:52,900 --> 00:44:58,850 with names like, er, '"Hot 4 u'" - you know, '"Hot 4'" and then a letter '"u'". I love all that. 576 00:45:02,420 --> 00:45:05,651 All right then, here's the choice. 577 00:45:05,780 --> 00:45:13,937 A bit of, er, Peter up the pantry passage, or, erm, holiday snaps of Crete, 1976? 578 00:45:14,060 --> 00:45:15,857 0h, Crete. 579 00:45:15,980 --> 00:45:18,494 - Sure? - Yeah. 580 00:45:21,380 --> 00:45:25,931 Doing that sort of thing, which is nice cos you can see what they look like. 581 00:45:29,740 --> 00:45:32,049 I'm an only child. 582 00:45:35,420 --> 00:45:37,297 Mummy and Daddy and me! 583 00:45:37,900 --> 00:45:39,936 I feel better now. 584 00:45:41,140 --> 00:45:48,694 That's the taverna, and there I am, eating some calamari and tzatziki... 585 00:45:48,820 --> 00:45:53,132 - Actually, it may be taramasalata... - 0h, is it taramasalata? 586 00:45:53,260 --> 00:45:56,536 There's Cathy again, in the Minoan palace of Knossos. 587 00:45:56,660 --> 00:45:58,298 - Knossos. - Knossos, yes. 588 00:45:58,420 --> 00:46:00,012 - Knossos. - Yes, yes, Knossos. 589 00:46:00,140 --> 00:46:03,974 And you can see she's got a bit of sunburn on the upper arms there. 590 00:46:04,100 --> 00:46:07,217 - Poor Cathy's upper arms. 0h, boo-hoo. - Just stop it! 591 00:46:07,340 --> 00:46:10,377 - Stop it. - Don't say stop it when I'm saying stop it! 592 00:46:10,500 --> 00:46:15,654 No, I said stop it! You're just spoiling it! You're just like Simon shitting Mason! 593 00:46:15,780 --> 00:46:22,413 You know, '"0h, I'm so clever, I can make everybody in the class laugh at stupid Alan.'" 594 00:46:22,540 --> 00:46:25,612 Well, Simon, the picture was interesting 595 00:46:25,740 --> 00:46:30,097 and some people - Colin Cann, for instance - found it very interesting, so just shut it! 596 00:46:30,220 --> 00:46:33,337 You just bloody shut it, and if you don't, I'll, I'll... 597 00:46:33,460 --> 00:46:36,372 - You'll what? - I'll tell a man about you. 598 00:46:36,500 --> 00:46:44,088 And not my dad, a big foreign uncle with big hands, which are bigger than your fffffface! 599 00:46:44,220 --> 00:46:49,453 So, Simon shitting Mason, you just shut it, or you'll crap your pants. 600 00:46:49,580 --> 00:46:55,132 And then everyone will smell your fear, and then... You just shut up! Shut up! 601 00:46:55,260 --> 00:46:57,251 Shut up! Just... 602 00:46:58,740 --> 00:47:01,095 I love you, Simon! 603 00:47:19,900 --> 00:47:25,532 0h, hello. Sorry to call you so late. Is Tony Phillips still there, please? 604 00:47:26,220 --> 00:47:28,450 Thank you. 605 00:47:28,580 --> 00:47:30,377 - Tony speaking. - Tony, hello. 606 00:47:30,500 --> 00:47:33,651 - I was just reading your article about... - In '"Men's Health'"? 607 00:47:33,780 --> 00:47:36,374 - Yeah, yeah, that one. Sorry? - Call the helpline. 608 00:47:36,500 --> 00:47:39,139 - No, I'm a doctor. - Yeah... 609 00:47:40,460 --> 00:47:42,690 - No, I really am. - They all say that. 610 00:47:42,820 --> 00:47:46,096 No, I really am a doctor. Listen, Tony, I was just wondering, 611 00:47:46,220 --> 00:47:50,657 you know, when you measure it, do you measure it from where it joins the stomach, 612 00:47:50,780 --> 00:47:56,059 or from the actual base itself, the bit that goes down towards the general arse area? 613 00:47:56,180 --> 00:47:58,694 - From the base. - From the actual base itself. 614 00:47:58,820 --> 00:48:01,493 Yeah, I thought so. Thank you... 615 00:48:04,660 --> 00:48:06,173 Yes! 616 00:48:08,060 --> 00:48:12,576 These floorboards are a bit loose. I don't think the police put them down properly. 617 00:48:12,700 --> 00:48:13,894 The police? 618 00:48:14,020 --> 00:48:18,252 Yeah. Four bodies, I think it was. You'd never think there was space under there. 619 00:48:18,380 --> 00:48:21,417 Still, the smell's gone now, pretty much. 620 00:48:21,540 --> 00:48:24,259 The '"Checkout Girl'" murders. 621 00:48:25,340 --> 00:48:27,649 How exciting. 622 00:48:27,780 --> 00:48:30,897 Sometimes you can hear cash registers in the night. 623 00:48:31,020 --> 00:48:33,329 We could have a seance. 624 00:48:34,300 --> 00:48:36,370 - 0K, when do you want to move in? - Tomorrow? 625 00:48:36,500 --> 00:48:38,138 Hooray! 626 00:48:38,780 --> 00:48:41,453 Were you trying to put me off? 627 00:48:42,460 --> 00:48:45,372 Just, er, testing your commitment. 628 00:48:45,500 --> 00:48:49,539 I only want someone who really wants to be here. 629 00:48:49,660 --> 00:48:51,571 Very wise. 630 00:49:00,300 --> 00:49:02,495 (snores ) 631 00:49:02,620 --> 00:49:08,775 It looks like I myself shall have to charm the mighty python. 632 00:49:22,220 --> 00:49:24,859 0h, Princess Joanna, darling, 633 00:49:24,980 --> 00:49:30,737 the snake has risen from the basket and awaits your tender caress. 634 00:49:30,860 --> 00:49:33,010 (snores ) 635 00:49:37,260 --> 00:49:39,455 Suzy? Babe? 636 00:49:41,140 --> 00:49:44,098 (adopts Welsh accent) 0h, hello. 0h, hello, Frank. 637 00:49:44,220 --> 00:49:46,131 No, no, it's Geoff. 638 00:49:46,700 --> 00:49:50,329 Yeah. No, I'm an old school friend of Suzy's. 639 00:49:51,340 --> 00:49:54,969 I know she did, but I moved down when I was twelve. 640 00:49:55,980 --> 00:49:59,370 From... (switches accent) ..Derbyshire. 641 00:50:00,500 --> 00:50:02,889 0h, do they? Which part? 642 00:50:03,900 --> 00:50:06,334 Which part? Which bit? 643 00:50:07,980 --> 00:50:14,692 0h, I know I don't, but because I've got a bit of a cold at the moment and I'm a bit sad... 644 00:50:16,300 --> 00:50:19,929 About... Well, about my... hedgerows. 645 00:50:21,140 --> 00:50:22,334 Yeah. 646 00:50:22,460 --> 00:50:25,816 I've got to go now. I've got to go to the Vale. 647 00:50:26,980 --> 00:50:29,289 The Vale of Pewter. 648 00:50:30,860 --> 00:50:34,170 Near... Derby. 649 00:50:35,620 --> 00:50:37,929 0K. 0K, bye. 650 00:50:40,100 --> 00:50:42,773 Think I got away with that. 651 00:50:42,900 --> 00:50:44,936 Visiontext Subtitles: Michael Callaghan 54438

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