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1
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:07,856
- I wasn't at your flat last night, 0K?
- 0K. And nothing happened.
2
00:00:07,980 --> 00:00:09,971
No, nothing did happen.
3
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,816
- Fuck off!
- Right, yeah.
4
00:00:15,940 --> 00:00:18,135
She's my secret lover.
5
00:00:19,940 --> 00:00:22,534
(warbling moans )
6
00:00:24,060 --> 00:00:28,451
Whoever gets the newest member of the team
to spend the night at their place is captain.
7
00:00:28,580 --> 00:00:30,889
- Why?
- You're too late, I win!
8
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:43,656
- I spoke to Holly yesterday.
- 0h, yeah? Holly who?
9
00:00:43,780 --> 00:00:46,169
The one you spent six years with.
10
00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:49,053
- She's getting married.
- Really. 0w!
11
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:56,851
You're friends with Mac and Guy.
Biggest scumbag?
12
00:00:56,980 --> 00:00:58,049
Guy.
13
00:00:58,180 --> 00:00:59,613
House-warming gift.
14
00:00:59,740 --> 00:01:03,972
I know you've had a dreadful day
and that I'm partly responsible.
15
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:05,931
I am deeply sorry.
16
00:01:22,860 --> 00:01:26,648
I thought I'd find myself a new place
after my wife died.
17
00:01:26,780 --> 00:01:29,419
0h, I'm so sorry.
Was it sudden?
18
00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:34,489
Well, I didn't notice it straight away -
you know, sex was the same.
19
00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:37,737
But the dishes kept piling up.
20
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:49,096
I like a laugh, me.
21
00:01:50,460 --> 00:01:52,337
Right.
22
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:59,975
Yeah, well, thinking about it,
the room is... on the tiny side
23
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:04,696
and has ridiculously low ceilings
for a tall chap like you. And quite... smelly.
24
00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,616
0i! Wankers!
25
00:02:14,780 --> 00:02:16,975
Yeah, still got the magic.
26
00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:33,093
Hey.
27
00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:35,656
- Hi, Lyndon.
- Hiya.
28
00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:37,978
Hey, let me do that.
29
00:02:38,100 --> 00:02:39,897
All right?
30
00:02:40,380 --> 00:02:42,496
- Hi, Lyndon.
- Hey.
31
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,457
Hey, Doc.
32
00:02:57,940 --> 00:03:00,170
0h... If you see a really pretty blonde girl,
33
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:03,736
about 5'7'", green eyes,
can you tell her I've gone to Radiology?
34
00:03:03,860 --> 00:03:05,612
I suppose so.
What's her name?
35
00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:09,574
I've no idea. She might not even exist.
But just in case.
36
00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:11,975
0h, are you looking for a lodger?
37
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,250
Yeah. All I've had so far are loonies.
38
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:18,009
Thought I'd see if the staff here
are more normal - ten fingers, no fur...
39
00:03:18,140 --> 00:03:20,335
- Why, are you interested?
- No.
40
00:03:20,460 --> 00:03:25,739
I know someone who will be, though.
There: '"Desperately seeking accommodation.'"
41
00:03:25,860 --> 00:03:26,815
Angela.
42
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:30,899
Yeah. She was sharing a house,
but she wants to go a bit more exclusive.
43
00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:33,375
- Want me to track her down for you?
- 0h, no, no.
44
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:36,890
I'll see her later.
And she'll probably see this anyway.
45
00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:39,580
Don't forget, 5'7'", green eyes.
46
00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:41,736
I'll keep a lookout.
47
00:03:54,620 --> 00:03:57,214
(makes robotic noises )
48
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:03,819
Wow! It's never done that for me.
49
00:04:03,940 --> 00:04:07,296
- What?
- I said it's never done that for me.
50
00:04:08,420 --> 00:04:12,049
- Alloy, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah. It's a Kevlar-carbon composite.
51
00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:14,740
You need the protection
if you're sitting astride
52
00:04:14,860 --> 00:04:19,012
what is basically a big kid's
stupid and very dangerous toy.
53
00:04:19,140 --> 00:04:21,859
I'm thinking about
getting an Adamantium helmet.
54
00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:26,053
Yeah? That's the stuff the Wolverine
skeleton's made out of, isn't it?
55
00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:30,219
Yep. Hardest metal in the world.
56
00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:32,058
Indeed, indeed, yeah.
57
00:04:32,180 --> 00:04:34,774
Sadly, of course, a fictional metal.
58
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:40,054
So that would probably reduce
its effectiveness in a crash-style scenario.
59
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:43,448
Good point. Good point.
60
00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:47,771
Still the hardest metal in the world, though.
61
00:04:49,020 --> 00:04:50,612
Fictional.
62
00:04:55,940 --> 00:04:58,693
- (inhales )
- Too close.
63
00:05:01,860 --> 00:05:06,695
You smell lovely, of beautiful garden centres.
It makes me want you right now.
64
00:05:06,820 --> 00:05:12,019
0h, do shut it, Alan. Unless you've got
something useful to say, don't bother.
65
00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:19,218
If you boil a kettle with vinegar,
it gets rid of the unpleasant residue.
66
00:05:20,180 --> 00:05:22,091
- Nick it.
- What?
67
00:05:22,220 --> 00:05:24,654
Nick the chocolate bar.
68
00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:28,375
- I'll buy it for you.
- No, if you really wanted me, you'd nick it.
69
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:31,936
Come on, Alan, where's your sense of danger?
It might make me horny.
70
00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:34,779
- 0h, God!
- Go on, just nick it.
71
00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:51,019
Ah... That's...
72
00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:56,418
- Excuse me.
- Are you talking to me?
73
00:05:56,540 --> 00:05:59,612
Yeah. Could I have a word?
Could you step to one side?
74
00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:00,616
No!
75
00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:02,617
- Pardon?
- No, I won't!
76
00:06:02,740 --> 00:06:06,779
- You want it discussed in front of everyone?
- Yes, yes, I do.
77
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:10,893
- 0K, what have you got down your trousers?
- Trousers?
78
00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:16,097
A Snickers 50% bigger size.
I saw you through the two-way mirror.
79
00:06:16,220 --> 00:06:18,336
Yes. Yes, you did.
80
00:06:18,980 --> 00:06:21,369
- Hand it over.
- Yes, I will.
81
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:24,378
I will, yes,
because there we have it.
82
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:31,178
The... So other colleagues... putting...
for reasons best known...
83
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:33,689
And that's why we have this situation.
84
00:06:33,820 --> 00:06:35,970
Ugh! It's all melted.
85
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:39,649
Yes, those were my exact words to... to them.
86
00:06:39,780 --> 00:06:43,739
And therefore I accept your apology.
Goodbye.
87
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:54,818
0oh! 0oh, Men's Health?
'"Ten steps to a flatter stomach.'" No need.
88
00:06:54,940 --> 00:06:58,569
'"Sex: what she wishes you knew.'"
Yes, yes, duh, obviously.
89
00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:02,170
They like that... Sucking's better...
And they like it hard and rough.
90
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:06,088
'"Combat hair loss.'" (scoffs ) '"Get a harder
body in ten minutes a day.'" Got one.
91
00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:09,929
'"How to click with women.'" Already can.
Clickety-click, click-click.
92
00:07:14,820 --> 00:07:18,449
Do you sell cigarettes?
I need cigarettes - do you sell them?
93
00:07:18,580 --> 00:07:23,335
- You do know this is a hospital?
- I know. I work here. Look, Dr Caroline Todd.
94
00:07:23,460 --> 00:07:25,849
You should know better then,
shouldn't you?
95
00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:28,210
Perhaps you can tell me
where I can get some?
96
00:07:28,340 --> 00:07:32,174
Don't they say 70% of all ill people
are ill because they smoke?
97
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:37,328
Did I say '"lecture'"? Sorry, I meant directions
to the nearest shop. Real shop, that is.
98
00:07:37,460 --> 00:07:40,258
- Caroline...
- Careful, Angela, I might bite.
99
00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:43,816
Somebody might be about to die
if I don't find some cigarettes.
100
00:07:43,940 --> 00:07:45,737
0h, I see.
101
00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:49,489
- How's your house? Is it 0K?
- My house? Yeah, it's great.
102
00:07:49,620 --> 00:07:52,134
Will you be all right
living there all by yourself?
103
00:07:52,260 --> 00:07:55,570
Yeah, yeah.
I'm a big girl - figuratively.
104
00:07:55,700 --> 00:07:58,692
So you're not looking for lodgers any more?
105
00:08:00,340 --> 00:08:01,819
Sorry?
106
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,170
Boyce told me about your advert.
107
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:08,816
Yes. Yes, yes, I'm looking for lodgers.
Sorry, I misunderstood you.
108
00:08:08,940 --> 00:08:10,851
Nicotine deficiency.
109
00:08:10,980 --> 00:08:12,971
Dah-nah!
110
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:16,410
- Am I too late?
- No. All I've had so far is psychopaths.
111
00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:19,816
0h, great. Well, I'm not a psychopath.
(manic giggle)
112
00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:22,056
I'm not.
So can I come and see the room?
113
00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:24,410
Well, no, the thing is,
do you smoke?
114
00:08:24,540 --> 00:08:26,337
- No, I don't.
- I do. I did.
115
00:08:26,460 --> 00:08:28,769
I gave up,
but my lungs are sentimental
116
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:31,494
and when I'm under pressure
they start to woo me.
117
00:08:31,620 --> 00:08:33,736
Quit Line!
118
00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:36,615
So can I come and see the room?
119
00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:41,450
Yes, please do. Yes, please do come.
Absolutely. I won't take no for an answer.
120
00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:43,696
Thanks, Caroline.
121
00:08:55,380 --> 00:09:00,932
I wasn't aware that the actual act of smoking
causes lines to form around the mouth.
122
00:09:01,060 --> 00:09:02,732
What, cos of the...?
123
00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:07,809
Well, yeah. I mean, you do that 20 times
a day, it's going to have an effect, isn't it?
124
00:09:07,940 --> 00:09:09,976
(inhales )
125
00:09:18,620 --> 00:09:20,178
Bloody hell!
126
00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,495
- You all right?
- No, I'm not.
127
00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:26,977
I hate it when men say, '"I can't remember
saying that,'" or, '"I was only joking.'"
128
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:31,139
- 0r, '"I didn't mean it like that.'"
- 0r, '"You only hear what you want to hear.'"
129
00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:33,933
Yeah. 0r, '"I'm actually a woman.'"
130
00:09:34,060 --> 00:09:35,937
Exactly.
131
00:09:37,020 --> 00:09:39,250
A man's actually said that to you?
132
00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:40,813
Yep.
133
00:09:40,940 --> 00:09:45,536
Harriet, did you get the contract document
sorted for the smoke unit... stroke unit?
134
00:09:45,660 --> 00:09:47,332
Yeah? Great.
135
00:10:35,340 --> 00:10:37,615
Stop smiling, dear.
136
00:10:45,420 --> 00:10:47,376
- Hey.
- Hi.
137
00:10:48,820 --> 00:10:51,459
- Hey, Debs.
- Hi.
138
00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:57,170
- Er, my domain.
- Sorry?
139
00:10:57,300 --> 00:11:03,250
You are entering my territory, yeah?
I am the master of all I survey.
140
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:08,252
In here... I perform
the most delicate and intricate
141
00:11:08,380 --> 00:11:11,053
operations and procedures
on the human body.
142
00:11:11,180 --> 00:11:16,777
If, God forbid, something should go wrong,
somebody dies.
143
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:20,256
That's it. The end.
144
00:11:20,820 --> 00:11:22,572
You've killed them.
145
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:27,091
No, but it's over.
You can't just buy another one.
146
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:30,292
Yeah? You can't just... Sorry.
147
00:11:30,420 --> 00:11:38,577
You can't just swap up to a G4 megahertz
kilodrive whopper thing, whatever, 0K?
148
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:40,895
I'm at the cutting edge.
149
00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:46,973
Stand aside please, information-technology
boy, somebody needs my help.
150
00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:51,894
- Nurse, what have we got?
- Knee arthroscopy.
151
00:11:52,020 --> 00:11:54,011
Right, tricky, yeah.
152
00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:58,019
You see, it's not all about
a pretty-boy face around here.
153
00:11:58,140 --> 00:12:01,416
All right, little lady,
let's get this show on the road.
154
00:12:02,380 --> 00:12:05,452
0i! Back off, butcher!
155
00:12:29,220 --> 00:12:32,496
- (plays sopranino recorder)
- No...
156
00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:35,412
Mm...
157
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:40,816
(murmurs )
158
00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:45,258
(knock at door)
159
00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:48,258
Just came to get the Jarvis MRI file
for Dr Macartney?
160
00:12:48,380 --> 00:12:49,256
Yes.
161
00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:53,692
- I didn't know you were a recorder player.
- I have many strings to my bow... recorder.
162
00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:56,050
Great. So, can I have the file?
163
00:12:56,180 --> 00:12:58,011
Er, yes.
164
00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:02,329
0K... Erm, I think
Mac needs it quite urgently.
165
00:13:02,460 --> 00:13:05,770
Nearly there.
Ready in a minute.
166
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:10,212
- 0K. Shall I get it?
- No, it's complicated. It's one of many.
167
00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:14,013
I'll... Erm...
168
00:13:17,740 --> 00:13:21,096
- So, this is...
- Don't touch my sopranino!
169
00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:23,697
I have it.
170
00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:26,012
No, no...
171
00:13:26,140 --> 00:13:28,893
0h, my God!
What the fuck is that?!
172
00:13:30,340 --> 00:13:32,058
Erm...
173
00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:36,332
You're probably thinking
that in some bizarre way
174
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:41,978
that my playing the recorder has caused, erm,
an expansion down below.
175
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:46,218
- I wasn't thinking that, but I am now.
- If you were, you'd be sorely mistaken.
176
00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:48,979
0f course, cos most people
think of bouncing breasts.
177
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:52,217
- As I do.
- Good, good. Good.
178
00:13:52,340 --> 00:13:54,296
So, does it work if anyone plays it?
179
00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:58,379
No, don't put my instrument in your lips!
0h, dirty! Filthy!
180
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:01,458
- Cheerio.
- Man spittle!
181
00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:16,489
You know that thing about bringing
in animals for patients to stroke?
182
00:14:16,620 --> 00:14:19,498
0h, God, yeah.
Cancelled. Lack of funds.
183
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:22,293
What?! What?! Fuck!
184
00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:27,856
0h...
185
00:14:29,060 --> 00:14:32,018
0K, come on now, shoo.
Shoo, shoo.
186
00:14:32,140 --> 00:14:35,257
Come on, shoo-fly.
Come on, kum ba yah.
187
00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:40,376
You want to think a wee bit
about personal hygiene, darling.
188
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,616
Now come on, let's get out of here.
189
00:14:54,540 --> 00:14:56,576
Aarrgh!
190
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:59,009
I want nicotine!
191
00:15:01,260 --> 00:15:06,971
Then I'd like to meet a nice man and have
a sexually charged, no-speaking affair.
192
00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:56,138
Guess who?
193
00:15:56,260 --> 00:15:58,376
No idea. Jack Nicholson?
194
00:15:58,500 --> 00:15:59,535
No.
195
00:15:59,660 --> 00:16:01,571
God, you're so predictable!
196
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:05,534
- What do you mean?
- Every day you do this hand-on-arse thing.
197
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:08,413
Well, I thought you...
I thought you liked it.
198
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:13,216
It wouldn't be so bad if you changed it a bit,
if you used something other than your hand.
199
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:17,538
But, oh no, hand on arse,
hand on arse, every bloody day!
200
00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:21,778
Erm, I was just...
0h, I've dropped my pen there.
201
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:27,378
No, no, that's no good. That was
my suggestion. It's got to come from you.
202
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,092
- Derek...
- Wednesday.
203
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:33,259
You've got to be more exciting,
a bit more, you know, spontaneous.
204
00:16:33,380 --> 00:16:37,498
- I'm sure that can be arranged.
- No, no, no.
205
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:40,851
It can't be arranged, that's the point.
You've got to just do it.
206
00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:45,496
- All right, but when?
- Don't ask me. It should be spontaneous.
207
00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:49,249
- Right, I'll have a think.
- No, don't think.
208
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:53,009
What do you mean, don't think?
Where would we be if nobody thought?
209
00:16:53,140 --> 00:16:56,177
No art, no literature,
no music, no medicine.
210
00:16:56,300 --> 00:17:01,693
We'd just be in the jungle
like rutting, sweaty, dirty beasts.
211
00:17:02,380 --> 00:17:04,336
Well, that's a start.
212
00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:14,376
Can I just warn you both,
Mac's had some difficult news.
213
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,616
- 0h, really? News?
- Yeah, about Holly.
214
00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:19,732
Ah, Holly, the tear-your-life-apart
baby-killer.
215
00:17:19,860 --> 00:17:25,014
She's a friend of mine, and that's a bit unfair.
She just wasn't ready to start a family.
216
00:17:25,140 --> 00:17:29,292
- That's what Mac calls her.
- It broke his heart splitting up with Holly.
217
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:30,773
What about her?
218
00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:34,131
I'm only telling you this
so you can be supportive to Mac.
219
00:17:34,260 --> 00:17:38,936
She's getting married. Also, although I haven't
found time to tell him this, she's pregnant.
220
00:17:39,060 --> 00:17:41,699
- Who's pregnant?
- Holly the baby-killer.
221
00:17:41,820 --> 00:17:46,371
I'm sorry, Mac. I was going to tell you
and I haven't found the moment.
222
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:50,698
I think we're out of milk,
so I'll probably steal some from the nurses.
223
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:54,369
0h, well done, Fartin!
Nice and subtle. I like your style.
224
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:57,731
- Who's she marrying?
- John James Wyard.
225
00:17:57,860 --> 00:18:00,010
He's a hot consultant at St Thomas's.
226
00:18:00,140 --> 00:18:03,052
I know him.
He's a really good bloke. Absolutely loaded.
227
00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:05,171
- Who's loaded?
- Martin!
228
00:18:05,300 --> 00:18:07,609
- Martin is?
- No.
229
00:18:07,740 --> 00:18:13,690
Holly's fianc�. Loaded. John James Wyard?
Really, really decent chap.
230
00:18:13,820 --> 00:18:16,015
Tall, muscular, plays rugby.
231
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:18,938
- Yeah, he sounds like a great bloke.
- 0h, yeah, he is.
232
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:24,214
Spent, you know, a year in Kenya
curing sick children, and he leads his field...
233
00:18:24,340 --> 00:18:26,979
Cool. They'll probably
be very good together.
234
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:28,249
Yeah.
235
00:18:28,380 --> 00:18:35,013
And obviously he's got really good genes.
That is going to be one good-looking baby.
236
00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:36,459
Yeah.
237
00:18:37,220 --> 00:18:39,290
Fuck you!
238
00:18:41,940 --> 00:18:46,855
Well! Sense-of-humour failure there
from the quip-meister.
239
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:48,652
What?
240
00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:54,056
I'm going to... get a thing from the whatsit.
241
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:47,574
0K, swab on a stick.
242
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:53,699
So, Dr Macartney,
this man that Holly is marrying...
243
00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:59,577
She's only been with him since Christmas,
and yet you were with her for... six years?
244
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,930
Leave it. I'm serious, leave it.
Scissors.
245
00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:06,133
He must be quite something.
A real man.
246
00:20:06,260 --> 00:20:09,377
The kind of man a woman can imagine
spending her life with.
247
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,092
0K.
248
00:20:15,740 --> 00:20:19,369
All that she wants is another baby
249
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:26,813
All that she wants is another baby,
yeah
250
00:20:26,940 --> 00:20:28,419
Scalpel.
251
00:20:28,540 --> 00:20:33,375
Have you ever seen The Terminator? It's
about this cyber-woman that gets pregnant...
252
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:34,899
0w!
253
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:39,409
Good, thank you very much.
I think we're ready to close here.
254
00:20:39,540 --> 00:20:43,931
Let's close her up. Thank you very much.
I'll deal with you in a minute.
255
00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:49,736
Hi, Caroline...
256
00:20:52,980 --> 00:20:56,052
Joanna, it's me.
That should get you wondering.
257
00:20:56,180 --> 00:20:59,172
Er, if you come down to my office
in five or six minutes,
258
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:04,499
then something entirely spontaneous
may be occurring.
259
00:21:08,740 --> 00:21:10,776
Wanker.
260
00:21:19,140 --> 00:21:22,018
0K, guys, can you finish him off for me?
261
00:21:22,140 --> 00:21:24,415
- Yep, can you finish me off?
- Not you.
262
00:21:24,540 --> 00:21:27,100
- I'll be fine.
- Thank you.
263
00:21:31,700 --> 00:21:34,419
I wasn't sure at first,
but I reckon he's all right.
264
00:21:34,540 --> 00:21:38,897
Who, Mac? Depends what you mean
by '"all right'", I suppose.
265
00:21:39,020 --> 00:21:41,454
Well, he seems
to have his heart in the right place.
266
00:21:41,580 --> 00:21:45,175
Yep, mm-hm.
0utwardly, I suppose.
267
00:21:46,300 --> 00:21:48,814
- Something I should know?
- I shouldn't really say.
268
00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:51,249
- What?
- Hm...
269
00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:56,858
Went out with this girl Holly, she got
pregnant, he dumped her. I'll say no more.
270
00:21:56,980 --> 00:21:59,448
- Is that true?
- Yeah, on my life.
271
00:21:59,580 --> 00:22:02,936
I shouldn't really go into details,
and don't say I told you.
272
00:22:03,060 --> 00:22:06,530
God. You never can tell.
Is there something wrong with your arm?
273
00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:09,538
Ah, no, it's...
Mac stabbed me.
274
00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:12,855
- Did he?
- Yeah. I'm all right.
275
00:22:13,740 --> 00:22:15,856
Bastard. You never can tell.
276
00:22:15,980 --> 00:22:19,814
- You can't. You're doing a great job there.
- Thanks.
277
00:22:20,620 --> 00:22:23,498
What I'm trying to say is
I'm stressed out about my exams.
278
00:22:23,620 --> 00:22:25,212
- 0K, I've got you.
- Yes.
279
00:22:25,340 --> 00:22:29,219
And that stress is getting bigger and bigger,
snowballing into more stress.
280
00:22:29,340 --> 00:22:30,659
Snowball?
281
00:22:30,780 --> 00:22:33,533
Yeah, something that gets bigger
as it rolls along.
282
00:22:33,660 --> 00:22:36,777
- Just leave the snowball out of it.
- 0K. I'm just saying...
283
00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:40,256
- Snowball...
- It's just a vicious circle of stress,
284
00:22:40,380 --> 00:22:44,692
and I want to be able to break that circle,
and I don't know how to.
285
00:22:44,820 --> 00:22:49,098
Right. Well, it seems to me
you're under stress.
286
00:22:49,220 --> 00:22:51,051
Yes.
287
00:22:51,180 --> 00:22:54,377
If you stopped being stressed,
things would be a lot easier.
288
00:22:54,500 --> 00:22:56,218
Yes.
289
00:23:00,740 --> 00:23:05,530
Dr Secretan? Some post for you.
It went to department office by mistake.
290
00:23:05,660 --> 00:23:08,732
- They're from abroad.
- From Switzerland, from my father.
291
00:23:08,860 --> 00:23:11,135
- Gosh, is he Swiss?
- Yep. I'm half Swiss.
292
00:23:11,260 --> 00:23:14,377
- What's the other half?
- English, as far as I know.
293
00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:17,617
- You don't know your mother?
- No, she died when I was born.
294
00:23:17,740 --> 00:23:19,492
- 0h, my God, how awful.
- Hm.
295
00:23:19,620 --> 00:23:22,453
You never knew her.
How sad.
296
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:27,857
As you came into the world, she departed,
so in fact she gave her life for you.
297
00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:30,414
God, that's beautiful, yet so...
298
00:23:30,540 --> 00:23:33,577
Yeah. Whenever I close my eyes,
all I can see is her.
299
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:36,260
- Stop!
- Yeah, yeah...
300
00:23:36,380 --> 00:23:42,774
But I sense her presence.
I feel her soft eyes and her loving face.
301
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:48,896
Apparently she used to sing to me when
she was pregnant, when I was in the womb.
302
00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:51,250
What did she sing?
303
00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:53,496
You know that song...
304
00:23:54,740 --> 00:24:00,417
'"Where's your mother gone?
Where's your mother gone? Far, far away.'"
305
00:24:01,220 --> 00:24:04,178
Last night
I heard my mother singing a song
306
00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:08,009
0o-ee, chirpy-chirpy cheep-cheep
307
00:24:08,140 --> 00:24:12,179
- I think it must've been before...
- Well, anyway, she loved me and she died.
308
00:24:12,300 --> 00:24:15,736
And I will never know a mother's love, never.
309
00:24:15,860 --> 00:24:18,932
- Stop it, it's too sad!
- It's so sad, you know.
310
00:24:19,060 --> 00:24:24,418
Snow fell, a carpet of white
as they took out her young body,
311
00:24:24,540 --> 00:24:27,100
leaving behind her newborn son.
312
00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:30,451
I know. I know, I know. I know.
313
00:24:32,860 --> 00:24:35,328
Would you like to go out with me sometime?
314
00:24:35,460 --> 00:24:38,975
I could really do with a friend,
and you kind of remind me of her.
315
00:24:39,100 --> 00:24:42,854
- You're young, you have all your life to lead.
- Yes. Yes.
316
00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:45,016
- Thank you.
- Yes...
317
00:24:47,140 --> 00:24:52,168
Nice. Must try that again
on someone with smaller teeth.
318
00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:54,768
- Thanks. You've been really helpful.
- No, I haven't.
319
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:57,334
- Well, you've tried.
- No, I didn't try either.
320
00:24:57,460 --> 00:25:00,657
No, we just filled a space in time really,
didn't we?
321
00:25:00,780 --> 00:25:05,171
- Yeah, but that's all we can do, I suppose.
- Yeah, that's the spirit.
322
00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:07,416
(both laugh )
323
00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,451
Now fuck off.
324
00:25:09,580 --> 00:25:11,696
(she continues to laugh )
325
00:25:11,820 --> 00:25:15,210
Look, can I just ask,
do you get stressed-out?
326
00:25:45,860 --> 00:25:47,816
0h... Thanks.
327
00:25:52,620 --> 00:25:55,088
Next!
328
00:26:31,340 --> 00:26:33,296
Come in.
329
00:26:34,380 --> 00:26:35,608
0h.
330
00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:38,891
Joanna said you had something for her.
331
00:26:42,940 --> 00:26:44,896
It's this.
332
00:26:46,700 --> 00:26:49,772
0n you go,
because she'll be waiting.
333
00:27:03,460 --> 00:27:09,092
So, Lyndon, computers.
They're funny old things, aren't they?
334
00:27:09,220 --> 00:27:11,211
Not if you speak kindly to them.
335
00:27:11,340 --> 00:27:13,934
I think you have to be immensely clever
336
00:27:14,060 --> 00:27:18,178
to really get to grips
with the fundamentals of the IT world.
337
00:27:18,300 --> 00:27:20,177
- 0h, dear!
- Jesus!
338
00:27:20,300 --> 00:27:25,977
0h, dear! I must have tripped over
your enormous Neanderthal feet.
339
00:27:26,100 --> 00:27:27,658
Go away.
340
00:27:27,780 --> 00:27:31,295
It could've been your great big head
with your shiny...
341
00:27:31,420 --> 00:27:35,049
- 0h, dear.
- No, it's fine. No, don't worry.
342
00:27:35,180 --> 00:27:37,216
- Stop now.
- Such a terrible thing...
343
00:27:37,340 --> 00:27:39,695
Come on. It's all right.
344
00:27:43,060 --> 00:27:44,778
You wanted to see me?
345
00:27:44,900 --> 00:27:49,815
Yeah. Now, I know it's sort of against
hospital policy, but I've been thinking...
346
00:27:49,940 --> 00:27:53,489
Ah, yes, thinking. This is good.
You may proceed.
347
00:27:53,620 --> 00:27:57,295
- You see, I had an idea...
- (stuttering laugh )
348
00:27:59,220 --> 00:28:05,489
I think you'll find me a reasonable woman.
So please, tell me this idea of yours.
349
00:28:05,620 --> 00:28:10,489
Right, well, I was thinking about an indoor
smoking area for staff - if they smoke.
350
00:28:10,620 --> 00:28:14,295
I know it might seem a bit retrogressive,
as policies go.
351
00:28:14,420 --> 00:28:18,015
Yes, I would say it was unacceptable.
A sign of weakness.
352
00:28:18,140 --> 00:28:20,176
I know we shouldn't really do it.
353
00:28:20,300 --> 00:28:24,054
But I think smoking areas
would definitely make people's lives easier.
354
00:28:24,180 --> 00:28:29,618
As I see it, there's only one thing for it. We
must contact Berlin without delay. Vorsprung.
355
00:28:29,740 --> 00:28:36,213
Berlin? 0h, what, some sort of centralised
EU decision type thing... Hang on.
356
00:28:37,140 --> 00:28:40,018
Are you talking to me like a Nazi from a film?
357
00:28:40,140 --> 00:28:41,459
Erm...
358
00:28:41,580 --> 00:28:43,855
Nothing could be further from the truth.
359
00:28:43,980 --> 00:28:47,689
If you're talking like a Nazi from a film,
I am going to complain to someone.
360
00:28:47,820 --> 00:28:51,130
I think zat zese things you are imagining.
361
00:28:51,260 --> 00:28:53,728
Right, you... (hisses )
362
00:29:06,380 --> 00:29:08,769
Good luck, Tommy!
363
00:29:13,060 --> 00:29:14,937
- Bet you can't.
- Bet I can.
364
00:29:15,060 --> 00:29:17,051
- Go on, then.
- After you.
365
00:29:17,180 --> 00:29:19,853
- Promise you will too?
- Tchah!
366
00:29:35,380 --> 00:29:38,292
- Not bad, Boycie, not bad.
- Cheers.
367
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:54,498
The point about public school
is it's character-forming.
368
00:29:54,620 --> 00:29:58,499
Well, it certainly did form you
into a rude, arrogant, selfish bastard
369
00:29:58,620 --> 00:30:00,895
with no interest in anybody but yourself.
370
00:30:01,020 --> 00:30:03,614
Thanks. But it also means that I know
371
00:30:03,740 --> 00:30:07,619
that '"selfish'" and '"no interest
in anyone but yourself'" mean the same thing.
372
00:30:07,740 --> 00:30:12,097
Yes, yes.
But so does '"fuck off'" and ...
373
00:30:12,820 --> 00:30:14,094
Piss off.
374
00:30:14,220 --> 00:30:16,529
- No, no, you piss off.
- No, you piss off!
375
00:30:16,660 --> 00:30:18,616
- That's very interesting.
- What is?
376
00:30:18,740 --> 00:30:24,451
We are just discussing the role of the public
school in the creation of the Guy wanker.
377
00:30:24,580 --> 00:30:29,096
I always think it's terribly sad, those tiny kids
being left to fend for themselves at school.
378
00:30:29,220 --> 00:30:32,610
That's the point.
It teaches you to be self-reliant.
379
00:30:32,740 --> 00:30:35,937
Yeah, but these tiny kids
turn up at this big Victorian building
380
00:30:36,060 --> 00:30:38,574
with their little shorts and all this luggage,
381
00:30:38,700 --> 00:30:41,897
and they won't see
their parents again for months.
382
00:30:42,020 --> 00:30:46,411
Well, you see, no, it wasn't like that.
For a start, my school was Edwardian.
383
00:30:46,540 --> 00:30:49,134
They don't know anyone,
they're not sure where to go,
384
00:30:49,260 --> 00:30:53,219
they're scared of being bullied or homesick
or crying and letting the side down.
385
00:30:53,340 --> 00:30:56,332
- It's just very sad.
- Sad, yeah. Very, very sad.
386
00:30:56,460 --> 00:31:01,170
I don't know what you mean, because
they were the happiest days, the happiest...
387
00:31:01,300 --> 00:31:05,259
I mean, what sort of a mother
could do that to her own child?
388
00:31:05,380 --> 00:31:07,894
Guy's, probably.
389
00:31:11,340 --> 00:31:13,171
I have to go.
390
00:31:13,300 --> 00:31:15,336
- 0K, see you later.
- Yeah, see you.
391
00:31:15,460 --> 00:31:21,330
I'll see you after double Latin. I think Pongo's
going to bring some tuck up to the dorm.
392
00:31:32,380 --> 00:31:34,814
- (knock at door)
- Er...
393
00:31:35,540 --> 00:31:39,613
Yeah...
Er, come... come in.
394
00:31:40,540 --> 00:31:42,770
Hi. You paged me, having problems?
395
00:31:42,900 --> 00:31:47,291
Yeah, with the computer, er... yeah.
But with my personal life, no.
396
00:31:47,420 --> 00:31:50,810
This little computer's,
you know, fucked itself up,
397
00:31:50,940 --> 00:31:54,535
and I'll be right up the shitter
if I don't get these notes to Surgical.
398
00:31:54,660 --> 00:31:58,539
0h, make way,
stand for information-technology man.
399
00:31:58,660 --> 00:32:00,730
Is he the coolest guy in the hospital?
400
00:32:00,860 --> 00:32:05,888
God, someone's done a real job on this.
It looks like a two-year-old's just gone mad.
401
00:32:06,020 --> 00:32:10,298
- It's going to take me some time. I'm sorry.
- 0K, no probs, big boy.
402
00:32:10,420 --> 00:32:11,819
Yes...
403
00:32:11,940 --> 00:32:17,173
I understand you're quite a hit
with the hospital staff.
404
00:32:17,300 --> 00:32:20,736
Attractive man, big... big bits.
405
00:32:20,860 --> 00:32:24,409
Joanna Clore, I think her name is -
personnel manager.
406
00:32:24,540 --> 00:32:29,489
I think she probably has need of your...
your skills, does she? She's mine.
407
00:32:29,620 --> 00:32:32,259
Yeah, she has been having
a few problems lately.
408
00:32:32,380 --> 00:32:35,372
Had to work late a couple of nights.
She keeps losing files.
409
00:32:35,500 --> 00:32:37,013
- She's mine.
- Sorry?
410
00:32:37,140 --> 00:32:40,018
- She's mine... It's fine, it's just lime.
- Yeah?
411
00:32:40,140 --> 00:32:45,260
Yeah, well, I'd better go and... split.
I save lives.
412
00:32:45,380 --> 00:32:47,940
Right. I'll page you
when I've sorted this mess out.
413
00:32:48,060 --> 00:32:50,369
She's... she's mine.
414
00:32:53,420 --> 00:32:55,217
She's mine!
415
00:32:55,340 --> 00:32:57,934
(mobile-phone jingle)
416
00:33:05,700 --> 00:33:08,168
- (jingle stops )
- Fuck off!
417
00:33:14,300 --> 00:33:17,019
(jingle starts up again )
418
00:33:28,900 --> 00:33:33,257
Through fortitude and character
419
00:33:33,380 --> 00:33:36,338
We'll thwart the knavish hordes!
420
00:33:36,460 --> 00:33:38,018
(small sobs )
421
00:33:38,140 --> 00:33:42,258
And show through our resilience
422
00:33:42,380 --> 00:33:45,452
0f our destiny we are lords!
423
00:33:45,580 --> 00:33:47,536
(whimpers )
424
00:33:48,980 --> 00:33:51,130
(sobbing) S-s-s...
425
00:33:51,260 --> 00:33:53,820
Something something something
426
00:33:53,940 --> 00:33:56,408
Each and every day
427
00:33:56,540 --> 00:33:59,498
For Whiteleaf School
we'll fight as one
428
00:33:59,620 --> 00:34:02,453
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
429
00:34:02,580 --> 00:34:05,299
What? Pleb!
430
00:34:19,820 --> 00:34:25,656
Apparently, if you eat lots of pineapple
it makes your sperm taste nice.
431
00:34:25,780 --> 00:34:30,012
Right. Well, I'll keep that in mind
for the future.
432
00:34:30,140 --> 00:34:33,735
And pubic topiary is the new pashmina.
433
00:34:33,860 --> 00:34:40,015
0h, yeah, yeah. You could have a heart done,
or your initial, or a lovely swan.
434
00:34:40,140 --> 00:34:42,529
I could have a C for '"Caroline'".
435
00:34:42,660 --> 00:34:46,448
0h, no, people might think
it's C for something else.
436
00:34:46,580 --> 00:34:48,411
'"Crazy'" or...
437
00:34:49,980 --> 00:34:53,416
0h, yes, the nasty C word.
438
00:34:53,540 --> 00:34:56,452
- Yeah, wouldn't want that.
- No.
439
00:34:56,580 --> 00:34:59,890
Well, I mean, you don't want
to signpost it anyway, do you?
440
00:35:00,020 --> 00:35:06,255
It's pretty obvious to...
to any, you know... visitors...
441
00:35:07,540 --> 00:35:09,417
there.
442
00:35:09,540 --> 00:35:11,496
Well, I'd hope so.
443
00:35:21,780 --> 00:35:25,853
- Mr Howell's ready in cubicle three.
- Thank fuck for that.
444
00:35:46,660 --> 00:35:48,616
(sobbing)
445
00:35:49,740 --> 00:35:53,016
(snivelling and gagging sounds )
446
00:36:05,540 --> 00:36:07,496
Dr Secretan.
447
00:36:09,140 --> 00:36:10,653
Are you 0K?
448
00:36:10,780 --> 00:36:12,816
Don't touch me.
449
00:36:13,540 --> 00:36:18,455
- And you're hiding in the coats because...?
- I feel safe here. It reminds me of...
450
00:36:18,580 --> 00:36:22,289
Being locked up at boarding school
for tampering with your down-belows.
451
00:36:22,420 --> 00:36:25,969
Yeah. No! I just wanted some space.
Could you just go away?
452
00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:30,457
No. Now, what's the problem?
I'm here to help, to listen, to sooth.
453
00:36:30,580 --> 00:36:33,777
- My mother's womb is no more.
- 0h, dear. Hysterectomy?
454
00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:35,891
No, she died when I was very young.
455
00:36:36,020 --> 00:36:40,969
I'm motherless, and my life is just a shambles
without her and it's getting worse.
456
00:36:41,100 --> 00:36:44,410
- I mean, look at my eyes.
- You have very nice eyes.
457
00:36:44,540 --> 00:36:47,657
- If a little on the pokey side.
- Don't be nice to me.
458
00:36:47,780 --> 00:36:51,216
0h, all right, pull yourself together,
you cretinous fuckwit!
459
00:36:51,340 --> 00:36:55,618
What sort of a man hides in other people's
coats, rocking and whinging to themself?
460
00:36:55,740 --> 00:36:59,813
I'll tell you what sort of a man -
a self-centred, egotistical wankpot!
461
00:36:59,940 --> 00:37:02,329
Now unhook yourself and stop being so weak.
462
00:37:02,460 --> 00:37:05,293
Men don't cry.
They're strong hunter-gatherers.
463
00:37:05,420 --> 00:37:09,413
So go hunt, go gather, go be a total cunt,
because that's what you do best!
464
00:37:09,540 --> 00:37:11,576
Fuck you, you ugly bitch!
465
00:37:11,700 --> 00:37:14,498
0h, that feels so much better.
Fancy a quick fiddle?
466
00:37:14,620 --> 00:37:19,375
I am tempted, cos I'm all fired up.
But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.
467
00:37:20,940 --> 00:37:22,771
0h, you...
468
00:37:34,980 --> 00:37:37,096
- Are you going on holiday?
- I wish!
469
00:37:37,220 --> 00:37:39,859
No, I'm just staying at a mate's tonight.
470
00:37:39,980 --> 00:37:41,572
Rach.
471
00:37:47,380 --> 00:37:49,814
That's so much better!
472
00:37:54,020 --> 00:37:57,615
0h, Dr Macartney.
Mac, Mac. Er, Dr Mac...
473
00:37:57,740 --> 00:38:00,538
Can I ask your professional opinion?
474
00:38:00,660 --> 00:38:03,254
Yes, it's definitely a chest.
475
00:38:03,380 --> 00:38:05,257
Yeah, yeah, I know that.
476
00:38:05,380 --> 00:38:07,610
Good. Be a bit of a worry
if you didn't.
477
00:38:07,740 --> 00:38:12,734
Shall we have another look? I would say
it's the chest of a ten-, eleven-year-old boy.
478
00:38:12,860 --> 00:38:15,693
- Fuck off! It's my chest.
- Really?
479
00:38:15,820 --> 00:38:18,209
- Can you see why I thought it's a boy's?
- No.
480
00:38:18,340 --> 00:38:21,889
I was just wondering if, erm,
if you could see anything wrong?
481
00:38:22,020 --> 00:38:24,011
No, it looks pretty clear.
482
00:38:24,140 --> 00:38:27,655
You shouldn't really use hospital equipment
for your own diagnosis,
483
00:38:27,780 --> 00:38:31,329
unless you are ill, and then
you should consult another doctor.
484
00:38:31,460 --> 00:38:35,339
I'm consulting you, aren't I?
I also have a very sore throat.
485
00:38:35,460 --> 00:38:39,499
Do you think
it could be cancer of the oesophagus?
486
00:38:39,620 --> 00:38:42,293
I... No, I don't think it is.
487
00:38:42,420 --> 00:38:47,175
Well, you haven't even examined me. I mean,
don't you want to check my throat to be sure?
488
00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:49,734
Yeah, 0K, fine.
Go on, open up.
489
00:38:52,180 --> 00:38:53,249
Hm...
490
00:38:53,380 --> 00:38:55,769
- Say '"ah'".
- Ah.
491
00:38:55,900 --> 00:38:58,494
- Say '"aah'".
- Aah.
492
00:38:58,620 --> 00:39:00,292
- Aaah.
- Aaah.
493
00:39:00,420 --> 00:39:02,729
- No, aaaah.
- Aaaah.
494
00:39:02,860 --> 00:39:04,498
- Aa-aah.
- Aa-aah.
495
00:39:04,620 --> 00:39:06,929
Aarh... Aarh... Aarh...
496
00:39:07,060 --> 00:39:10,132
- You're a bastard!
- You are completely fine.
497
00:39:10,260 --> 00:39:14,856
You know what you want to do? Maybe
think about investing in some mouthwash.
498
00:39:20,380 --> 00:39:22,655
Ha-ha, minty fresh.
499
00:39:37,340 --> 00:39:39,934
(makes grunting noises )
500
00:39:43,620 --> 00:39:46,692
0h, God! God, sorry!
I'm sorry.
501
00:39:46,820 --> 00:39:49,209
Good, good.
No, that's good, that's excellent.
502
00:39:49,340 --> 00:39:53,538
I can assure you, Miss Clore,
that your toe bone is certainly not broken.
503
00:39:53,660 --> 00:39:56,458
- It's probably just strained.
- Thank you, Dr Statham.
504
00:39:56,580 --> 00:40:01,176
Using the, er, the old pre-radiology
diagnostic technique
505
00:40:01,300 --> 00:40:04,690
of checking for broken bones, erm, orally.
506
00:40:04,820 --> 00:40:08,495
Now I'd better get on my way -
plenty more bones to suck... check!
507
00:40:22,980 --> 00:40:25,175
So what's your favourite colour?
508
00:40:25,300 --> 00:40:28,497
- Right now, black.
- Black. Ah, I love black.
509
00:40:28,620 --> 00:40:30,611
Hi. Long day?
510
00:40:30,740 --> 00:40:33,732
If you're going to try and give me
a shoulder massage, you can piss off.
511
00:40:33,860 --> 00:40:37,648
- I'll have whatever's making her hostile.
- Sorry, sorry.
512
00:40:37,780 --> 00:40:40,214
Yes, long day,
and it's about to get worse.
513
00:40:40,340 --> 00:40:42,854
- Am I that terrible? I'll go.
- No, not you.
514
00:40:42,980 --> 00:40:45,778
- I've got to interview potential lodgers.
- So I heard.
515
00:40:45,900 --> 00:40:48,130
0ne of them I'll find really hard to reject.
516
00:40:48,260 --> 00:40:50,649
- Why?
- A friend, sort of.
517
00:40:50,780 --> 00:40:52,372
- Put them off.
- I can't.
518
00:40:52,500 --> 00:40:55,219
It's easy. Go to Research Faculty,
get a nice big rat.
519
00:40:55,340 --> 00:40:56,375
0h, please.
520
00:40:56,500 --> 00:40:59,492
Dead rat by the toaster, bye-bye friend.
I'll sort you out.
521
00:40:59,620 --> 00:41:03,329
A very thoughtful offer,
but, at the same time, also quite disgusting.
522
00:41:03,460 --> 00:41:07,612
It does work, cos Guy uses it in his flat
to get rid of bunny boilers.
523
00:41:07,740 --> 00:41:09,856
- Are you still here?
- Yeah, actually.
524
00:41:09,980 --> 00:41:12,414
Yeah, good joke, Mart!
525
00:41:14,660 --> 00:41:17,970
- I got you something.
- What is it?
526
00:41:18,100 --> 00:41:20,773
What is the most valuable thing
in the whole world?
527
00:41:20,900 --> 00:41:23,209
- Plutonium?
- Christ, where did you get that?!
528
00:41:23,340 --> 00:41:25,490
Your privacy.
529
00:41:26,060 --> 00:41:27,413
A lock?
530
00:41:27,540 --> 00:41:31,579
It's bound to happen: Roger the lodger
accidentally stumbles into your room,
531
00:41:31,700 --> 00:41:35,010
oh, what a surprise,
he catches you in your underwear,
532
00:41:35,140 --> 00:41:40,419
and it's all, '"0h, so sorry, I seem to have got
the wrong room, haven't got my bearings yet.'"
533
00:41:40,540 --> 00:41:44,692
It might be nice having a man around.
I could pretend I can't unblock a U-bend.
534
00:41:44,820 --> 00:41:47,175
He could shake the spiders from my shoes.
535
00:41:47,300 --> 00:41:50,815
Yeah, you see, a spider here,
a friendly word there, a nightcap,
536
00:41:50,940 --> 00:41:53,818
before you know it
you're up against the kitchen units
537
00:41:53,940 --> 00:41:56,613
with your tongues down each other's throats.
538
00:41:56,740 --> 00:41:57,695
Who's Roger?
539
00:41:57,820 --> 00:42:03,372
The thing is - and trust me here -
not all men are gentlemen, like me and Mart.
540
00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:09,496
I don't want to scare you, but I'd feel terribly
guilty if I didn't try and warn you as a friend.
541
00:42:11,780 --> 00:42:16,251
Well, thank you.
I do appreciate your concern.
542
00:42:18,300 --> 00:42:22,691
Thanks for the lock. There isn't one
on the bathroom and it'll be really useful.
543
00:42:22,820 --> 00:42:25,288
Now you take care.
544
00:42:25,420 --> 00:42:27,490
I will.
545
00:42:27,620 --> 00:42:29,417
See you.
546
00:42:33,620 --> 00:42:35,611
That was really thoughtful, Guy.
547
00:42:35,740 --> 00:42:40,370
Yeah, well, I'm not having some teenage runt
porking her before I've had my turn.
548
00:42:40,500 --> 00:42:42,570
- I'll tell her you said that.
- 0ooh!
549
00:42:42,700 --> 00:42:47,091
Well, it'll make a change
from '"What's your favourite colour?'"
550
00:42:55,340 --> 00:42:58,173
- Coming for a drink?
- Er, probably not.
551
00:42:58,300 --> 00:43:01,417
- Really?
- No. I'm going to go for a spin.
552
00:43:02,700 --> 00:43:04,656
Lovely.
553
00:43:06,460 --> 00:43:08,257
Do you want a ride?
554
00:43:08,380 --> 00:43:13,932
Isn't that a health hazard? And you wonder
why they won't make you a consultant!
555
00:43:16,940 --> 00:43:19,056
(revs engine)
556
00:43:26,500 --> 00:43:31,494
I don't have much storage space here.
Do you have a lot of clothes?
557
00:43:31,620 --> 00:43:33,417
Do you have any pets?
558
00:43:33,540 --> 00:43:35,292
Children?
559
00:43:49,020 --> 00:43:51,375
- Hello.
- (football commentary on radio )
560
00:43:51,500 --> 00:43:53,172
Hi.
561
00:43:53,300 --> 00:43:55,450
I'm going to see a room tonight.
562
00:43:55,580 --> 00:44:01,689
Yeah, it's a really good area, and it's
very handy, so it would be stupid to ignore it.
563
00:44:01,820 --> 00:44:03,856
The landlady's a bit weird.
564
00:44:03,980 --> 00:44:07,609
I don't think I'll mention you just yet.
I don't want to put her off.
565
00:44:07,740 --> 00:44:11,369
You know what these single saddos
can be like about couples.
566
00:44:11,500 --> 00:44:16,699
So I think what I'm going to say is that,
you know, I just see you from time to time.
567
00:44:16,820 --> 00:44:19,129
(exciting passage of play )
568
00:44:19,260 --> 00:44:21,535
What do you think?
569
00:44:21,660 --> 00:44:23,491
- (goal attempt missed)
- What do you think?
570
00:44:23,620 --> 00:44:26,134
- 0h, come on!
- 0i! (turns off radio )
571
00:44:26,260 --> 00:44:29,138
What are you doing?
I was listening to that.
572
00:44:29,260 --> 00:44:35,176
Yes - trying to stick your ears into the radio,
even though the speakers are in the doors.
573
00:44:47,100 --> 00:44:49,056
Have you got an internet connection?
574
00:44:49,180 --> 00:44:52,775
Cos I like talking to internet ladies,
you know, on the internet,
575
00:44:52,900 --> 00:44:58,850
with names like, er, '"Hot 4 u'" - you know,
'"Hot 4'" and then a letter '"u'". I love all that.
576
00:45:02,420 --> 00:45:05,651
All right then, here's the choice.
577
00:45:05,780 --> 00:45:13,937
A bit of, er, Peter up the pantry passage,
or, erm, holiday snaps of Crete, 1976?
578
00:45:14,060 --> 00:45:15,857
0h, Crete.
579
00:45:15,980 --> 00:45:18,494
- Sure?
- Yeah.
580
00:45:21,380 --> 00:45:25,931
Doing that sort of thing, which is nice
cos you can see what they look like.
581
00:45:29,740 --> 00:45:32,049
I'm an only child.
582
00:45:35,420 --> 00:45:37,297
Mummy and Daddy and me!
583
00:45:37,900 --> 00:45:39,936
I feel better now.
584
00:45:41,140 --> 00:45:48,694
That's the taverna, and there I am,
eating some calamari and tzatziki...
585
00:45:48,820 --> 00:45:53,132
- Actually, it may be taramasalata...
- 0h, is it taramasalata?
586
00:45:53,260 --> 00:45:56,536
There's Cathy again,
in the Minoan palace of Knossos.
587
00:45:56,660 --> 00:45:58,298
- Knossos.
- Knossos, yes.
588
00:45:58,420 --> 00:46:00,012
- Knossos.
- Yes, yes, Knossos.
589
00:46:00,140 --> 00:46:03,974
And you can see she's got a bit of sunburn
on the upper arms there.
590
00:46:04,100 --> 00:46:07,217
- Poor Cathy's upper arms. 0h, boo-hoo.
- Just stop it!
591
00:46:07,340 --> 00:46:10,377
- Stop it.
- Don't say stop it when I'm saying stop it!
592
00:46:10,500 --> 00:46:15,654
No, I said stop it! You're just spoiling it!
You're just like Simon shitting Mason!
593
00:46:15,780 --> 00:46:22,413
You know, '"0h, I'm so clever, I can make
everybody in the class laugh at stupid Alan.'"
594
00:46:22,540 --> 00:46:25,612
Well, Simon, the picture was interesting
595
00:46:25,740 --> 00:46:30,097
and some people - Colin Cann, for instance -
found it very interesting, so just shut it!
596
00:46:30,220 --> 00:46:33,337
You just bloody shut it,
and if you don't, I'll, I'll...
597
00:46:33,460 --> 00:46:36,372
- You'll what?
- I'll tell a man about you.
598
00:46:36,500 --> 00:46:44,088
And not my dad, a big foreign uncle with big
hands, which are bigger than your fffffface!
599
00:46:44,220 --> 00:46:49,453
So, Simon shitting Mason, you just shut it,
or you'll crap your pants.
600
00:46:49,580 --> 00:46:55,132
And then everyone will smell your fear,
and then... You just shut up! Shut up!
601
00:46:55,260 --> 00:46:57,251
Shut up! Just...
602
00:46:58,740 --> 00:47:01,095
I love you, Simon!
603
00:47:19,900 --> 00:47:25,532
0h, hello. Sorry to call you so late.
Is Tony Phillips still there, please?
604
00:47:26,220 --> 00:47:28,450
Thank you.
605
00:47:28,580 --> 00:47:30,377
- Tony speaking.
- Tony, hello.
606
00:47:30,500 --> 00:47:33,651
- I was just reading your article about...
- In '"Men's Health'"?
607
00:47:33,780 --> 00:47:36,374
- Yeah, yeah, that one. Sorry?
- Call the helpline.
608
00:47:36,500 --> 00:47:39,139
- No, I'm a doctor.
- Yeah...
609
00:47:40,460 --> 00:47:42,690
- No, I really am.
- They all say that.
610
00:47:42,820 --> 00:47:46,096
No, I really am a doctor.
Listen, Tony, I was just wondering,
611
00:47:46,220 --> 00:47:50,657
you know, when you measure it, do you
measure it from where it joins the stomach,
612
00:47:50,780 --> 00:47:56,059
or from the actual base itself, the bit that
goes down towards the general arse area?
613
00:47:56,180 --> 00:47:58,694
- From the base.
- From the actual base itself.
614
00:47:58,820 --> 00:48:01,493
Yeah, I thought so. Thank you...
615
00:48:04,660 --> 00:48:06,173
Yes!
616
00:48:08,060 --> 00:48:12,576
These floorboards are a bit loose. I don't think
the police put them down properly.
617
00:48:12,700 --> 00:48:13,894
The police?
618
00:48:14,020 --> 00:48:18,252
Yeah. Four bodies, I think it was. You'd
never think there was space under there.
619
00:48:18,380 --> 00:48:21,417
Still, the smell's gone now, pretty much.
620
00:48:21,540 --> 00:48:24,259
The '"Checkout Girl'" murders.
621
00:48:25,340 --> 00:48:27,649
How exciting.
622
00:48:27,780 --> 00:48:30,897
Sometimes you can hear cash registers
in the night.
623
00:48:31,020 --> 00:48:33,329
We could have a seance.
624
00:48:34,300 --> 00:48:36,370
- 0K, when do you want to move in?
- Tomorrow?
625
00:48:36,500 --> 00:48:38,138
Hooray!
626
00:48:38,780 --> 00:48:41,453
Were you trying to put me off?
627
00:48:42,460 --> 00:48:45,372
Just, er, testing your commitment.
628
00:48:45,500 --> 00:48:49,539
I only want someone
who really wants to be here.
629
00:48:49,660 --> 00:48:51,571
Very wise.
630
00:49:00,300 --> 00:49:02,495
(snores )
631
00:49:02,620 --> 00:49:08,775
It looks like I myself
shall have to charm the mighty python.
632
00:49:22,220 --> 00:49:24,859
0h, Princess Joanna, darling,
633
00:49:24,980 --> 00:49:30,737
the snake has risen from the basket
and awaits your tender caress.
634
00:49:30,860 --> 00:49:33,010
(snores )
635
00:49:37,260 --> 00:49:39,455
Suzy? Babe?
636
00:49:41,140 --> 00:49:44,098
(adopts Welsh accent)
0h, hello. 0h, hello, Frank.
637
00:49:44,220 --> 00:49:46,131
No, no, it's Geoff.
638
00:49:46,700 --> 00:49:50,329
Yeah. No, I'm an old school friend of Suzy's.
639
00:49:51,340 --> 00:49:54,969
I know she did,
but I moved down when I was twelve.
640
00:49:55,980 --> 00:49:59,370
From... (switches accent) ..Derbyshire.
641
00:50:00,500 --> 00:50:02,889
0h, do they? Which part?
642
00:50:03,900 --> 00:50:06,334
Which part? Which bit?
643
00:50:07,980 --> 00:50:14,692
0h, I know I don't, but because I've got a bit
of a cold at the moment and I'm a bit sad...
644
00:50:16,300 --> 00:50:19,929
About... Well, about my... hedgerows.
645
00:50:21,140 --> 00:50:22,334
Yeah.
646
00:50:22,460 --> 00:50:25,816
I've got to go now.
I've got to go to the Vale.
647
00:50:26,980 --> 00:50:29,289
The Vale of Pewter.
648
00:50:30,860 --> 00:50:34,170
Near... Derby.
649
00:50:35,620 --> 00:50:37,929
0K. 0K, bye.
650
00:50:40,100 --> 00:50:42,773
Think I got away with that.
651
00:50:42,900 --> 00:50:44,936
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