All language subtitles for Bad Education S03E03 Sports Day 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-RCVR1

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:09,576 So, I sacked the PE teacher again. 2 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:13,321 After last year's dead heat at the sports day, I told him 3 00:00:13,394 --> 00:00:14,782 to install camera technology. 4 00:00:14,858 --> 00:00:19,425 Sadly he misunderstood the phrase "photo finish". A line was crossed. 5 00:00:19,426 --> 00:00:23,322 Anyhoos, this year's sports day is but upon us and... 6 00:00:23,337 --> 00:00:25,249 No way, never going to happen, not doing it. 7 00:00:25,288 --> 00:00:28,264 Calm down, dear, it's not you. 8 00:00:28,265 --> 00:00:31,485 Now, don't overreact but it's time to meet Abbey Grove's new PE 9 00:00:31,492 --> 00:00:35,444 teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis. 10 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,431 Hush, hush, moffie, 11 00:00:47,432 --> 00:00:50,504 Daddy's bought you some white chocolate from his trip to prison. 12 00:01:21,444 --> 00:01:23,527 You can't employ him, he's a psychopath! 13 00:01:23,528 --> 00:01:29,144 Here, chummy, I hold my hand up, yah, I make mistakes but I've changed. 14 00:01:29,244 --> 00:01:31,068 He attacked me with a riot baton. 15 00:01:31,113 --> 00:01:32,793 That's Preet's way of saying, "I love you," 16 00:01:32,818 --> 00:01:35,630 and I've got a couple of broken ribs to prove it. 17 00:01:35,631 --> 00:01:36,698 Plus he's very cheap. 18 00:01:36,699 --> 00:01:38,630 There! 19 00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:41,203 TIA. Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker. 20 00:01:41,277 --> 00:01:44,273 You still smoking the bars, yeah? No, I'm messing, scappy. 21 00:01:44,473 --> 00:01:45,276 Urgh! Ow! 22 00:01:45,277 --> 00:01:47,073 Classic Preet! 23 00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:51,236 Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted you and, yes, that may have 24 00:01:51,237 --> 00:01:55,201 resulted in a teeny prison stretch, but he's had extensive anger 25 00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:58,257 management, art therapy. You couldn't meet a more stable guy. 26 00:01:58,457 --> 00:01:59,533 Boo! 27 00:01:59,550 --> 00:02:01,177 That therapy's worked a treat. 28 00:02:01,277 --> 00:02:04,280 Yeah, I watched that movie, Mandela. I only laughed once. 29 00:02:04,281 --> 00:02:05,897 Well, maybe. 30 00:02:05,955 --> 00:02:07,991 Oh, when he gets sentenced, his face. 31 00:02:08,999 --> 00:02:09,999 Priceless. 32 00:02:10,027 --> 00:02:11,983 Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job, 33 00:02:11,984 --> 00:02:14,978 it turns out my gym doesn't employ anyone with a criminal record. 34 00:02:14,979 --> 00:02:15,979 Neither do schools! 35 00:02:16,027 --> 00:02:19,954 Not this school. I believe everyone deserves a second chance. 36 00:02:19,955 --> 00:02:21,966 Who wants to celebrate with some khat? 37 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:25,031 It's like bay leaf, only it's also an amphetamine. 38 00:02:26,047 --> 00:02:28,955 Everyone deserves a third chance. 39 00:02:37,043 --> 00:02:39,970 Right, sports day, you know the drill. 40 00:02:39,971 --> 00:02:42,002 Sir draws our events out of a hat. That way 41 00:02:42,003 --> 00:02:43,958 the humiliation's at random. 42 00:02:43,959 --> 00:02:47,974 OK. Andre, egg-and-spoon race. Raj, 800 metres. 43 00:02:47,975 --> 00:02:49,971 Rem Dogg... 44 00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:52,982 ..wheelbarrow race. 45 00:02:52,983 --> 00:02:55,950 Boom! Third year in a row. 46 00:02:55,951 --> 00:02:59,014 What a convenient coincidence. Stephen... sack race. 47 00:02:59,015 --> 00:03:02,986 I am not wearing a sack in public. Please let me customise it, sir. 48 00:03:02,987 --> 00:03:05,950 Fine, whatever. Er, Chantelle, three-legged race. 49 00:03:05,951 --> 00:03:07,958 You know all about that, tripod. 50 00:03:07,959 --> 00:03:09,014 Cleo. 51 00:03:09,015 --> 00:03:11,042 I ain't doing no bait sports day. 100-metre dash. 52 00:03:11,043 --> 00:03:13,950 What, cos I'm black you think I can sprint? 53 00:03:13,951 --> 00:03:15,962 What? No, it's all random. 54 00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:19,994 Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put a bargain bucket on the finishing line? Oh, God! 55 00:03:19,995 --> 00:03:22,978 Oh, sorry, ain't there a bobsleigh team? 56 00:03:22,979 --> 00:03:24,970 You can sit this one out. Correct! 57 00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:27,966 I'm out, too. I'm covering sports day for the school's newspaper. 58 00:03:27,967 --> 00:03:29,966 Did you guys read my latest edition? 59 00:03:29,967 --> 00:03:32,026 It's just a bit dry, babe. 60 00:03:32,027 --> 00:03:34,026 Dry but very absorbent. 61 00:03:34,027 --> 00:03:37,970 You need to give the readers what they want - sex, scandal and Kimye. 62 00:03:37,971 --> 00:03:40,014 You want a scandal. I heard Melanie Chubb, right, 63 00:03:40,015 --> 00:03:43,002 went to the toilet and accidentally wiped her fanny with her dress! 64 00:03:43,003 --> 00:03:46,022 OMG, drams give me dates! God help me. 65 00:03:46,023 --> 00:03:48,990 We're all in the gutter, Jing, but some of us 66 00:03:48,991 --> 00:03:52,030 are looking up the miniskirts of the stars! 67 00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,003 Alfie, can I have a quick word? 68 00:03:56,019 --> 00:03:58,970 Look, I just wanted to tell you something 69 00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:01,091 because I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else. 70 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:04,998 You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you? You're in love with him, you're going to get married! 71 00:04:04,999 --> 00:04:07,962 I just wanted to tell you that Richard's coming to sports day. 72 00:04:07,963 --> 00:04:10,962 Why? What event's he doing? The race to get his affairs in order? 73 00:04:10,963 --> 00:04:13,990 St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid and Richard volunteers for them. 74 00:04:13,991 --> 00:04:17,014 Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps being brought home in an ambulance! 75 00:04:17,015 --> 00:04:20,006 He's saying your boyfriend's a scrotum-faced old buttfucker! 76 00:04:20,007 --> 00:04:21,962 Would you please stop doing that? 77 00:04:21,963 --> 00:04:24,002 For the last time, Richard is not my boyfriend! 78 00:04:24,003 --> 00:04:26,958 That man is a coiled serpent waiting to spring. 79 00:04:26,959 --> 00:04:30,994 The little prawn prince doesn't want this cock-frocking junkie at sports day. 80 00:04:30,995 --> 00:04:33,970 But never fear, for I'm trained in first aid, too. 81 00:04:33,971 --> 00:04:36,026 Stand Richard down, Preet's got it covered. 82 00:04:36,027 --> 00:04:40,043 Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank out of a warden's neck. 83 00:04:41,995 --> 00:04:44,975 Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A. 84 00:04:47,043 --> 00:04:50,966 Hey, I thought you were sticking it to stick it in the bokkie. 85 00:04:50,967 --> 00:04:51,986 We're on a break. 86 00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:55,954 Oh. Fuck the fuck. Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh? 87 00:04:55,955 --> 00:04:58,026 Maybe tonight we should hit up a few Stellenbraus. 88 00:04:58,027 --> 00:05:00,974 Lock and load, go on the hunt for cooch. 89 00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,967 Yeah, never going to happen. 90 00:05:05,995 --> 00:05:07,042 Oh! 91 00:05:07,043 --> 00:05:09,042 Why are you wet? 92 00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:12,954 I don't fit in my locker anymore so Grayson lubed me. 93 00:05:12,955 --> 00:05:15,950 Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to squeeze into something small. 94 00:05:15,951 --> 00:05:18,591 Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know what lubricant is. I was in there 95 00:05:18,616 --> 00:05:20,990 for an hour. Thank God I keep it well stocked with snacks. 96 00:05:20,991 --> 00:05:22,191 That may be why you don't fit. 97 00:05:22,216 --> 00:05:25,978 Grayson will keep giving you shit till you slap him down. Girlfriend's got a point. 98 00:05:25,979 --> 00:05:27,982 Don't ever call me "girlfriend" again. Noted! 99 00:05:27,983 --> 00:05:30,998 You should use sports day to put him in his place. This is your chance to 100 00:05:30,999 --> 00:05:33,970 take Grayson down in front of the whole school. Everyone loves 101 00:05:33,971 --> 00:05:36,010 an underdog. I can picture the headlines. 102 00:05:36,011 --> 00:05:37,962 Jing's right. 103 00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:40,966 This is your perfect chance to beat Grayson at... the hurdles! 104 00:05:40,967 --> 00:05:42,034 Maybe not. 105 00:05:42,035 --> 00:05:43,958 Kill me. 106 00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:44,982 Hash-tag light bulb. 107 00:05:44,983 --> 00:05:48,026 That old guy that tried to attach on to Miss G is going to sports day, right? 108 00:05:48,027 --> 00:05:51,030 Why don't you challenge him? Show Miss G what she's missing. 109 00:05:51,031 --> 00:05:52,974 That is a brilliant idea. 110 00:05:52,975 --> 00:05:55,375 Challenge him at what? You're even slower and weaker than me. 111 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,982 Isn't it obvious? Good old-fashioned dance-off. 112 00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:00,010 I can bust a few moves out of my hip-hop locker. 113 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,994 Your hip-hop moves are about this far from a race crime. 114 00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:04,970 What you talking about? 115 00:06:04,971 --> 00:06:07,018 ♪ I ain't saying she a gold digger 116 00:06:07,019 --> 00:06:09,959 ♪ but I ain't messing with no bro... ♪ 117 00:06:10,159 --> 00:06:12,022 Man of Afro-Caribbean origin. 118 00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:16,954 What about a teacher and parent race? Perfect! 119 00:06:16,955 --> 00:06:19,006 Well, I guess we'll have to hit the gym. 120 00:06:19,007 --> 00:06:20,998 We? Well, I can't do this on my own. 121 00:06:20,999 --> 00:06:25,034 Look, guys, I know historically we've never done well at sports day but this is the last one ever. 122 00:06:25,035 --> 00:06:29,995 Wouldn't it be great, just once, to taste the sweet nectar of glory? 123 00:06:32,995 --> 00:06:34,982 You know how this plays out. 124 00:06:34,983 --> 00:06:36,063 OK, I'll buy you a Nando's. 125 00:06:38,003 --> 00:06:40,014 Three, two... 126 00:06:40,015 --> 00:06:42,006 Preet! 127 00:06:42,007 --> 00:06:44,958 Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson. 128 00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:47,030 I'm breaking these little bokkie tots in gently. 129 00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:50,039 What are you playing? It, stuck in the mud? Hunger Games. 130 00:06:52,039 --> 00:06:56,014 Cool! Um, look, you used to be a personal trainer, right? 131 00:06:56,015 --> 00:06:58,010 Yeah, until the gym fired me. 132 00:06:58,011 --> 00:07:00,962 They didn't like me trying to segregate customers. 133 00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,203 Actually, I'm with you on that. 134 00:07:02,228 --> 00:07:04,974 I way prefer gyms where the men's and women's bits separate, 135 00:07:04,975 --> 00:07:06,030 less intimidating, eh? 136 00:07:06,031 --> 00:07:07,970 I didn't divide them by gender. 137 00:07:07,971 --> 00:07:09,018 Right. 138 00:07:09,019 --> 00:07:11,966 Um, look, I need you to put me 139 00:07:11,967 --> 00:07:14,006 and my class on a crash course before sports day. 140 00:07:14,007 --> 00:07:15,954 Ha! 141 00:07:15,955 --> 00:07:17,026 But you're just a child. 142 00:07:17,027 --> 00:07:19,966 I could smell your mother's milk on your breath. 143 00:07:19,967 --> 00:07:22,007 You're not ready to spar with Preet van der Plessis. 144 00:07:22,032 --> 00:07:24,996 I don't want to fight you, I just want some training. 145 00:07:27,971 --> 00:07:30,990 If you place yourself in my hands, I will push you to the 146 00:07:30,991 --> 00:07:33,038 limits of human endurance. 147 00:07:33,039 --> 00:07:36,986 I will take you to a world of pain that can change a man for ever. 148 00:07:36,987 --> 00:07:39,026 Put the fire of Africa in your yum-yums! 149 00:07:39,027 --> 00:07:43,026 So ask yourself one question, moffie, are you ready 150 00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:45,014 for the Preet heat? 151 00:07:45,015 --> 00:07:50,951 Yeah. Could you, er, un-cup me now? 152 00:07:52,955 --> 00:07:54,031 Ah! 153 00:08:00,035 --> 00:08:05,022 Body's a temple, time to sacrifice some carbs to the Bud-god. 154 00:08:05,023 --> 00:08:08,014 Bird's got to keep that cracking little toosh in trim, eh? 155 00:08:08,015 --> 00:08:10,994 Bit much. Protein shake, anyone? 156 00:08:10,995 --> 00:08:12,030 What flavour? 157 00:08:12,031 --> 00:08:13,998 Banana! 158 00:08:13,999 --> 00:08:16,966 Hey, try mine, it's got shavings of real ivory, 159 00:08:16,967 --> 00:08:19,030 gives you purchase balls. 160 00:08:19,031 --> 00:08:20,986 No, thank you. 161 00:08:20,987 --> 00:08:22,998 Why are you drinking a protein shake? 162 00:08:22,999 --> 00:08:26,954 Getting ready for the parents and teachers race at sports day. 163 00:08:26,955 --> 00:08:29,974 Er, one question - can I do it in my fun-run fancy dress? OK. Yes! 164 00:08:29,975 --> 00:08:35,958 Anyone can enter - parents, teachers, medics, young, old, basically dead. 165 00:08:35,959 --> 00:08:39,986 Oh! I can invite Richard. How do I get in contact with someone like him? 166 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:42,010 Morse code, pigeon... seance? 167 00:08:42,011 --> 00:08:44,994 You know what, I'm sure he'll jump at the opportunity. 168 00:08:44,995 --> 00:08:47,038 Please, probably hasn't jumped since Hammer Time. 169 00:08:47,039 --> 00:08:49,026 Hey, can't touch this. 170 00:08:49,027 --> 00:08:50,030 Skeletal. 171 00:08:50,031 --> 00:08:54,978 Oh, and just so you know, Richard used to sprint for his university. 172 00:08:54,979 --> 00:08:58,966 Babe, you have no idea how quick I am over the finish line. 173 00:08:58,967 --> 00:09:00,034 Oh, I think I do. 174 00:09:00,035 --> 00:09:03,014 Alf, could you really beat Richard? 175 00:09:03,015 --> 00:09:05,030 Well, she said that he was a sprinter, 176 00:09:05,031 --> 00:09:08,022 so let's make it an endurance event. 177 00:09:08,023 --> 00:09:10,998 You got it, Wikus, I'll design it myself. 178 00:09:10,999 --> 00:09:13,018 I'll call it "the Master Race". 179 00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,002 We probably won't. 180 00:09:15,003 --> 00:09:16,962 The old gang back together, eh? 181 00:09:16,963 --> 00:09:18,982 The boys, the lads, the lady-killers. 182 00:09:18,983 --> 00:09:21,951 Never proven. Come, moffie, I wish to make you sweat. 183 00:09:28,015 --> 00:09:30,006 Right, I've found a brown leather 184 00:09:30,007 --> 00:09:33,030 Moby clutch on net-a-porter.com. At a push it works with the sackcloth. 185 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,998 Have you read the newspaper yet? I can't believe it! 186 00:09:35,999 --> 00:09:38,974 Steroids. Jing, is this for real? 187 00:09:38,975 --> 00:09:41,018 Yep, someone at the school's been taking steroids. 188 00:09:41,019 --> 00:09:43,986 We'll be publishing exclusives all week. 189 00:09:43,987 --> 00:09:45,958 Maybe I should get some steroids. 190 00:09:45,959 --> 00:09:48,030 Joe, you don't need steroids, Preet's training us. 191 00:09:48,031 --> 00:09:51,014 Uh! I can't believe they let that psycho back in 'ere. 192 00:09:51,015 --> 00:09:52,046 He's not a psycho. 193 00:09:52,047 --> 00:09:57,010 Preet's had something called "art therapy", it's really mellowed him. 194 00:09:57,011 --> 00:09:59,990 Listen up, you scrawny, pimple-necked, 195 00:09:59,991 --> 00:10:01,991 cat-wracking pieces of shit! 196 00:10:02,995 --> 00:10:04,038 Preet? 197 00:10:04,039 --> 00:10:06,994 Sorry. 198 00:10:06,995 --> 00:10:10,043 ♪ Hi-de-hi, kinderbok, I'm Uncle Preet. ♪ 199 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,030 He's scary when he's being nice. 200 00:10:12,031 --> 00:10:14,007 On your feet. 201 00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:26,982 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Non-regulation socks. 202 00:10:26,983 --> 00:10:29,038 So, I don't have white socks, big deal! 203 00:10:29,039 --> 00:10:32,018 Do you know what happens when you mix whites and coloureds? 204 00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:34,010 It ruins your wash? 205 00:10:34,011 --> 00:10:35,962 Society crumbles! 206 00:10:35,963 --> 00:10:40,022 Er, this is all I had. You have broken the ancient code of physical education, you know the punishment! 207 00:10:40,023 --> 00:10:42,038 Can I remind you I am a teacher? 208 00:10:42,039 --> 00:10:44,023 Do you want me to train you or not? 209 00:10:46,967 --> 00:10:48,018 Yes. 210 00:10:48,019 --> 00:10:49,967 Let's dance. 211 00:11:10,971 --> 00:11:11,987 Whoa! 212 00:11:14,031 --> 00:11:15,971 Yah! 213 00:11:16,995 --> 00:11:19,015 Whoa! 214 00:11:25,039 --> 00:11:26,047 Whoa! 215 00:11:31,043 --> 00:11:34,950 Urgh! Oh! 216 00:11:34,951 --> 00:11:38,034 I'll never beat Grayson, he hurdles for the school team. 217 00:11:38,035 --> 00:11:40,998 Joe, you've got an Olympic record. 218 00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:44,034 I'm the fastest under-18 to finish the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast. 219 00:11:44,035 --> 00:11:47,002 That's part of the problem, not the solution. 220 00:11:47,003 --> 00:11:48,954 Bullshit. 221 00:11:48,955 --> 00:11:50,966 Joe, you have got the hunger. 222 00:11:50,967 --> 00:11:53,954 When you see a barrier, you don't stop, you power on through. 223 00:11:53,955 --> 00:11:56,962 Great, but aren't I supposed to be jumping over the barriers? 224 00:11:56,963 --> 00:11:58,966 What are you doing? 225 00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:00,047 Oh, just er, fixing up this 226 00:12:00,072 --> 00:12:03,042 bad boy so I can teach and burn at the same time. 227 00:12:03,043 --> 00:12:05,998 Alfie, I know you're hurting, but losing to 228 00:12:05,999 --> 00:12:09,002 Richard in front of everyone is only going to make things worse. 229 00:12:09,003 --> 00:12:11,034 Huh, me lose to Richard? Please. 230 00:12:11,035 --> 00:12:13,990 Name one thing he's got that I haven't? 231 00:12:13,991 --> 00:12:16,950 Sensitivity, maturity, charm. 232 00:12:16,951 --> 00:12:18,962 Yeah, but I said one thing, not three. 233 00:12:18,963 --> 00:12:21,954 And, anyway, at least I'm biodegradable. 234 00:12:21,955 --> 00:12:25,034 Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going to be decomposing any time soon. 235 00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:29,974 Now, if you'd kindly vamoose from the artist's studio, 236 00:12:29,975 --> 00:12:32,982 I have got a body to sculpt. 237 00:12:32,983 --> 00:12:34,975 Ow! 238 00:12:35,979 --> 00:12:37,986 See you later, Michelangelo. 239 00:12:37,987 --> 00:12:41,007 I think I've broken me coccyx. 240 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:05,970 If you have a thirst for the crease, you can always 241 00:13:05,971 --> 00:13:09,046 play for my village team. I bet you can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh? 242 00:13:09,047 --> 00:13:11,950 Have you been talking to my ex-wife? 243 00:13:11,951 --> 00:13:13,011 Which one? 244 00:13:14,959 --> 00:13:16,046 Ah, smoocher, come perch. 245 00:13:16,047 --> 00:13:20,950 We were just chin-wagging about the pick and pock of leather on willow. 246 00:13:20,951 --> 00:13:23,006 Sorry, I don't speak Last Of The Summer Wine. 247 00:13:23,007 --> 00:13:24,087 We share a love of cricket. 248 00:13:24,112 --> 00:13:28,046 Rosie informs me that my presence is requested at the adults' race. 249 00:13:28,047 --> 00:13:31,038 Yeah, Richard and you better bring your A-game, mate. 250 00:13:31,039 --> 00:13:34,006 Absolutely, but in the words of the Greek philosopher, 251 00:13:34,007 --> 00:13:37,022 Epictetus, it is not the winning but the taking part which counts. 252 00:13:37,023 --> 00:13:41,002 Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers, I hope your silly little ambulance 253 00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:44,951 has got room for both your assholes, cos I'm going to tear you a new one. 254 00:13:46,007 --> 00:13:49,998 Brilliant. A new asshole, I, must remember that one for bridge club. 255 00:13:49,999 --> 00:13:53,011 You play bridge as well? Which discipline? Rubber. 256 00:13:54,979 --> 00:13:58,026 Next you'll be telling me you go to Bang Bang's Massage Parlour 257 00:13:58,027 --> 00:13:59,982 in Tring with the nice Thai ladies. 258 00:13:59,983 --> 00:14:01,954 No, no, I... Right, you, here. 259 00:14:01,955 --> 00:14:04,030 What the hell was all that about? 260 00:14:04,031 --> 00:14:06,958 Why are you being so friendly with Richard? 261 00:14:06,959 --> 00:14:08,199 Richard, what's wrong with him? 262 00:14:08,224 --> 00:14:12,950 What, you mean other than the fact that he's trying to shag my girlfriend? Yes. 263 00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:15,014 ♪ What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster? 264 00:14:15,015 --> 00:14:16,967 ♪ Is it a monster? ♪ 265 00:14:18,039 --> 00:14:19,982 Jesus Christ! 266 00:14:19,983 --> 00:14:21,006 Great costume, chap. 267 00:14:21,007 --> 00:14:25,026 And I like yours, too, weird, old, random bus conductor man. 268 00:14:25,027 --> 00:14:28,002 Oh, God, sorry, I haven't introduced you. 269 00:14:28,003 --> 00:14:31,046 Fraser, this is my... A privilege to finally meet your father. 270 00:14:31,047 --> 00:14:33,994 Rosie talks about her old man non-stop. 271 00:14:33,995 --> 00:14:35,046 No, Fraser, this... 272 00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:37,034 But where's Mrs Gulliver? Preet! 273 00:14:37,035 --> 00:14:39,022 Come and meet Rosie's dad! 274 00:14:39,023 --> 00:14:42,982 Hello there, you old fat fecker. Stukkie's a very confident lady. 275 00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,014 We were a little... belt-shy, bro? 276 00:14:45,015 --> 00:14:47,970 Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater. 277 00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:53,019 This is Richard, my... friend! 278 00:15:00,035 --> 00:15:03,954 Did I tell you I'm entering the mothers' sack race? 279 00:15:03,955 --> 00:15:05,990 Oh, not this joke. Every year. 280 00:15:05,991 --> 00:15:08,047 Got to get one of those hot mammas into the sack. 281 00:15:10,019 --> 00:15:13,031 Come, I have a surprise for you. 282 00:15:18,983 --> 00:15:22,974 Right, Preet, when I said obstacles I meant, like, a few hurdles. 283 00:15:22,975 --> 00:15:25,034 The most brutal obstacle course known to man. 284 00:15:25,035 --> 00:15:28,010 And I've got a truckload of attack dogs coming, too. 285 00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,014 Attack dogs? 286 00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:33,990 And how do you plan to control a pack of attack dogs with children? 287 00:15:33,991 --> 00:15:37,022 You've got a tranquiliser gun. Of course you do. 288 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:40,998 Um, is, is that legal? It's a grey area. 289 00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:44,026 Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old goat will faint just 290 00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:45,998 looking at this. 291 00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:48,982 Or my name's not Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, 292 00:15:48,983 --> 00:15:52,950 Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche, Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis. 293 00:15:52,951 --> 00:15:55,018 Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to test his endurance 294 00:15:55,019 --> 00:15:56,998 but this could actually kill me. 295 00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:59,990 As I told my cell mate the night I tattooed his back with biro ink 296 00:15:59,991 --> 00:16:04,014 and a red hot needle, pain is temporary, glory is for ever. 297 00:16:04,015 --> 00:16:06,978 TIA, bro. This is Africa! 298 00:16:06,979 --> 00:16:09,999 TIT, this is Tring. 299 00:16:13,955 --> 00:16:15,014 On your marks! 300 00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:16,962 Go on, Chantelle! 301 00:16:16,963 --> 00:16:19,954 Get set! Right, if you help me win this I'll let you touch me tit. 302 00:16:19,955 --> 00:16:21,031 Go! 303 00:16:34,011 --> 00:16:36,994 On your marks, get set... 304 00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:38,039 Go! 305 00:16:57,967 --> 00:16:59,031 Go, Stephen! 306 00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:05,954 Shit, that boy can work it. 307 00:17:05,955 --> 00:17:08,027 Yeah, I suspect he may be disqualified. 308 00:17:11,983 --> 00:17:13,046 Shamazing! 309 00:17:13,047 --> 00:17:15,986 Joe! 310 00:17:15,987 --> 00:17:18,962 There you are, buddy. 311 00:17:18,963 --> 00:17:21,994 Come on, it's time for the hurdles. I don't want to do it. 312 00:17:21,995 --> 00:17:24,994 I'll never beat Grayson, this was a stupid idea. 313 00:17:24,995 --> 00:17:28,958 But the Olympic breakfast. Forget the breakfast, Alfie. 314 00:17:28,959 --> 00:17:32,034 Joe, remember what I said? When you hit a barrier, you don't stop, 315 00:17:32,035 --> 00:17:34,006 you power on through. 316 00:17:34,007 --> 00:17:36,950 That's how you're going to beat Grayson. That... 317 00:17:36,951 --> 00:17:38,958 and by making sure you run in lane three. 318 00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:40,002 I don't get it. 319 00:17:40,003 --> 00:17:41,046 Just trust me. 320 00:17:41,047 --> 00:17:45,035 Shut your eyes and run like the time you got the shits on the Cutty Sark. 321 00:17:49,995 --> 00:17:53,955 "To Joe, good luck, Grayson." 322 00:17:56,959 --> 00:17:58,015 Get down! 323 00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:08,982 All right, Shrek? 324 00:18:08,983 --> 00:18:12,023 Smile for the camera, this shit's going on Roo Tube. 325 00:18:15,047 --> 00:18:18,950 He looks... angry. 326 00:18:18,951 --> 00:18:22,027 On your marks, get set, go! 327 00:18:32,995 --> 00:18:35,974 I think I know who's been taking them steroids in. 328 00:18:35,975 --> 00:18:39,007 Joe's not on steroids. I weakened his hurdles. 329 00:18:51,031 --> 00:18:55,010 Joe! You can stop now! 330 00:18:55,011 --> 00:18:57,018 He'll tire himself out. 331 00:18:57,019 --> 00:18:59,027 Eventually. 332 00:19:00,971 --> 00:19:02,003 Joe! 333 00:19:05,983 --> 00:19:07,970 Ladies and gentlemen, 334 00:19:07,971 --> 00:19:10,958 the parent-and-teacher race will commence in ten minutes. 335 00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:12,002 Thanky-doodle-do. 336 00:19:12,003 --> 00:19:13,986 Good luck, mate, going to need it. 337 00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,994 Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain. 338 00:19:15,995 --> 00:19:19,982 Remember I have a secret weapon, consilium. 339 00:19:19,983 --> 00:19:21,046 What the hell is that? 340 00:19:21,047 --> 00:19:23,023 You'll find out. 341 00:19:28,035 --> 00:19:30,038 He said it to my face, Jing. 342 00:19:30,039 --> 00:19:33,006 He's got a secret weapon that's going to help him win. 343 00:19:33,007 --> 00:19:35,010 Yeah, but what's consilium? 344 00:19:35,011 --> 00:19:37,026 Um, what does it sound like? A drug. 345 00:19:37,027 --> 00:19:39,006 Now where's his bag? 346 00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:40,986 I'm not sure about this, sir. 347 00:19:40,987 --> 00:19:43,034 Your steroid story, he's the cheat! 348 00:19:43,035 --> 00:19:46,038 It all makes sense, a medic with access to drugs. 349 00:19:46,039 --> 00:19:49,026 That's why Rosie's so confident he's going to win, 350 00:19:49,027 --> 00:19:51,018 she knows he's on this consilium. 351 00:19:51,019 --> 00:19:53,954 Ah! 352 00:19:53,955 --> 00:19:56,115 Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts the colour of weak tea, 353 00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:58,026 this is Richard's bag. 354 00:19:58,027 --> 00:20:00,958 Sir, the steroid story's not entirely true. 355 00:20:00,959 --> 00:20:03,966 Bingo! The roidy bastard! 356 00:20:03,967 --> 00:20:06,970 But how? I made the story up. 357 00:20:06,971 --> 00:20:11,010 You lied in print and you want to become a journalist. Jing. 358 00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:12,982 Well. 359 00:20:12,983 --> 00:20:15,974 Now you've got all the evidence you need, take him down. 360 00:20:15,975 --> 00:20:17,954 But what about you? 361 00:20:17,955 --> 00:20:19,958 You won't beat him if he's on steroids. 362 00:20:19,959 --> 00:20:20,999 If you can't beat 'em... 363 00:20:25,003 --> 00:20:29,978 Now, go, Jing, and remember, the truth and nothing but the truth. 364 00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:33,975 Although, obviously, don't mention that I took the steroids as well. 365 00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:52,982 Naughty moffie, caught with your hand in the Biltong jar! 366 00:20:52,983 --> 00:20:54,042 Preet, what the hell? 367 00:20:54,043 --> 00:20:58,022 If Pistorius taught me one thing, it's shit with the door open. 368 00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:00,994 Right, I'm just... Oh, God. 369 00:21:00,995 --> 00:21:04,026 Don't worry, moffie, your secret's safe with me. 370 00:21:04,027 --> 00:21:07,002 Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos I wasn't actually doing anything. 371 00:21:07,003 --> 00:21:09,982 Two men share a secret, it binds them together, 372 00:21:09,983 --> 00:21:12,031 entwining them into one beating heart. 373 00:21:14,999 --> 00:21:16,978 You going to have a wipe of that? 374 00:21:16,979 --> 00:21:20,974 First month in prison, I hated you for what you did to me. 375 00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:23,026 To be fair, you attacked me. 376 00:21:23,027 --> 00:21:26,026 Every night I dreamt of turning your jib-jabs into drills. 377 00:21:26,027 --> 00:21:27,998 A bit close. 378 00:21:27,999 --> 00:21:30,047 But then I began my course of art therapy. 379 00:21:32,971 --> 00:21:34,954 Would you like to see my sketches? 380 00:21:34,955 --> 00:21:36,031 Not really. 381 00:21:40,995 --> 00:21:43,995 Oh, look, it's me. 382 00:21:45,987 --> 00:21:48,015 Oh, Jesus Christ! 383 00:21:49,955 --> 00:21:52,038 Oh, you have been busy. 384 00:21:52,039 --> 00:21:54,990 Feel free to stop at any... 385 00:21:54,991 --> 00:21:58,047 Ooh! So much detail. 386 00:21:59,999 --> 00:22:03,970 Oh, my God, don't know where I end and you begin. 387 00:22:03,971 --> 00:22:08,002 Slowly I discovered there is only one thing stronger than hate. 388 00:22:08,003 --> 00:22:09,982 Please don't say "love". 389 00:22:09,983 --> 00:22:11,958 Tattoos. 390 00:22:11,959 --> 00:22:13,010 Me again! 391 00:22:13,011 --> 00:22:16,046 My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through an entire khat bush to numb the pain. 392 00:22:16,047 --> 00:22:20,042 Yeah, why has your cell-mate got my face tattooed onto his back? 393 00:22:20,043 --> 00:22:25,014 OK, I've just worked that one out for myself. 394 00:22:25,015 --> 00:22:30,954 Preet, um, I like you but I don't "like you" like you. 395 00:22:30,955 --> 00:22:35,046 Do you know what happens when you break a lion's heart? 396 00:22:35,047 --> 00:22:38,995 Does it go to live with a warthog and a meerkat? 397 00:22:40,043 --> 00:22:43,006 I will devour you, moffie, as sure as my name is 398 00:22:43,007 --> 00:22:46,046 Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, Goosen... 399 00:22:46,047 --> 00:22:48,002 Er, got it. 400 00:22:48,003 --> 00:22:50,015 Alfie, it's time. 401 00:22:52,043 --> 00:22:54,038 I'll just tiptoe out. 402 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,950 No, wait for me! 403 00:22:56,951 --> 00:22:57,971 Moffie! 404 00:23:00,983 --> 00:23:02,046 Good luck. 405 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:03,990 Carpe diem. 406 00:23:03,991 --> 00:23:06,042 Pfft, you're going to need more than luck, mate, 407 00:23:06,043 --> 00:23:09,950 now I've got my hands on some of your precious consilium. 408 00:23:09,951 --> 00:23:11,022 Yeah, that's right sucker. 409 00:23:11,023 --> 00:23:12,974 So you are a classicist? 410 00:23:12,975 --> 00:23:14,970 What are you talking about? 411 00:23:14,971 --> 00:23:17,994 Consilium, Latin for wisdom. My secret weapon, old boy. 412 00:23:17,995 --> 00:23:19,954 Yeah, pull the other one, Farage. 413 00:23:19,955 --> 00:23:21,962 I'm talking about these. 414 00:23:21,963 --> 00:23:23,958 And don't you worry. 415 00:23:23,959 --> 00:23:25,239 I've levelled the playing field. 416 00:23:25,264 --> 00:23:26,958 Oh, crikey, yes, er... 417 00:23:26,959 --> 00:23:28,954 It's all very embarrassing. 418 00:23:28,955 --> 00:23:31,958 Yes, well, you see, at my age, er, one, one sometimes, er, 419 00:23:31,959 --> 00:23:34,954 not always, but sometimes one, one feels the need for, er, 420 00:23:34,955 --> 00:23:39,010 a little help in, in the, in the bedroom department. 421 00:23:39,011 --> 00:23:40,994 What are you banging on about? 422 00:23:40,995 --> 00:23:42,982 Viagra. 423 00:23:42,983 --> 00:23:44,014 What? 424 00:23:44,015 --> 00:23:45,998 Viagra. Viagra?! 425 00:23:45,999 --> 00:23:47,954 Sh! Yes. 426 00:23:47,955 --> 00:23:50,030 Wait, sorry, why would you need Viagra? 427 00:23:50,031 --> 00:23:52,978 Well, Rosie and I are... 428 00:23:52,979 --> 00:23:54,994 Friends! 429 00:23:54,995 --> 00:23:57,018 Yes, but plan for success, prepare for failure. 430 00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:59,974 Rosie and I might become friends with benefits. 431 00:23:59,975 --> 00:24:01,018 Ugh! 432 00:24:01,019 --> 00:24:03,962 Ugh, for using the phrase "friends with benefits". 433 00:24:03,963 --> 00:24:07,010 Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust and trying to shag my girlfriend, 434 00:24:07,011 --> 00:24:09,022 you... shit. 435 00:24:09,023 --> 00:24:12,974 Come on, Richard, you can do it! 436 00:24:12,975 --> 00:24:14,962 Shut up, Dad! 437 00:24:14,963 --> 00:24:17,018 Wait, how long do those things take to kick in? 438 00:24:17,019 --> 00:24:19,002 Well, it depends how many you took. 439 00:24:19,003 --> 00:24:20,974 Round it down to about five. 440 00:24:20,975 --> 00:24:23,978 Yeah, you've got er, six, maybe seven minutes before things 441 00:24:23,979 --> 00:24:26,966 start bursting through your shorts like the Kraken. 442 00:24:26,967 --> 00:24:28,022 Shit! 443 00:24:28,023 --> 00:24:29,982 Preet, start the race! 444 00:24:29,983 --> 00:24:32,014 I have got to give a quick health and safety check. 445 00:24:32,015 --> 00:24:35,967 Preet, start the race! I love it when you're brusque with me, moffie. 446 00:24:41,011 --> 00:24:43,990 Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast since he found me 447 00:24:43,991 --> 00:24:46,111 lying on his desk wearing nothing but a sushi platter. 448 00:24:46,136 --> 00:24:49,136 Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts. 449 00:24:50,999 --> 00:24:53,027 Granny in a thong. 450 00:24:55,047 --> 00:24:57,011 Adrian Chiles' banter. 451 00:25:00,963 --> 00:25:02,083 Eric Pickles on the shitter. 452 00:25:06,019 --> 00:25:09,019 Ian Beale crying. 453 00:25:15,019 --> 00:25:16,982 Come on, Alfie! 454 00:25:16,983 --> 00:25:19,950 Please not on the monkey bars. 455 00:25:19,951 --> 00:25:21,959 God, no, not on the monkey bars. 456 00:25:28,983 --> 00:25:30,971 Come on, Richard! 457 00:25:32,983 --> 00:25:35,967 Feel blood heading south. 458 00:25:37,031 --> 00:25:39,007 Come on, Alfie! 459 00:25:41,971 --> 00:25:43,031 What's he doing? 460 00:25:45,995 --> 00:25:49,038 Maybe you've got to commando crawl the last bit. 461 00:25:49,039 --> 00:25:51,971 Is he wearing a little plough? 462 00:25:54,967 --> 00:25:56,983 I can't watch, Richard's going to catch him. 463 00:25:59,015 --> 00:26:01,046 Oh, no, you don't, old goat. 464 00:26:01,047 --> 00:26:03,967 Moffie shall go to the ball. 465 00:26:10,003 --> 00:26:11,998 Steady. 466 00:26:11,999 --> 00:26:13,038 He's got a gun, get down! 467 00:26:13,039 --> 00:26:15,031 Ooh! 468 00:26:16,995 --> 00:26:19,971 Oh! 469 00:26:25,039 --> 00:26:28,022 He's not breathing. I'll have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 470 00:26:28,023 --> 00:26:29,971 Oh! 471 00:26:33,995 --> 00:26:35,986 I can't feel my legs. 472 00:26:35,987 --> 00:26:37,998 Uh! 473 00:26:37,999 --> 00:26:41,018 Teach me everything you know. 474 00:26:41,019 --> 00:26:43,026 Alfie, why have you...? 475 00:26:43,027 --> 00:26:45,950 Before everyone thinks I'm a massive weirdo. 476 00:26:45,951 --> 00:26:47,006 A bit late for that, bro. 477 00:26:47,007 --> 00:26:50,046 I cheated, OK? Or at least I tried to cheat. 478 00:26:50,047 --> 00:26:53,014 I thought Richard was on steroids cos I found these blue 479 00:26:53,015 --> 00:26:55,978 pills in his bag but they weren't steroids, they were Viagra. 480 00:26:55,979 --> 00:26:57,022 Don't stress. 481 00:26:57,023 --> 00:26:59,954 Viagra? Why, why does Richard have...? 482 00:26:59,955 --> 00:27:01,990 Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, it's not what you... 483 00:27:01,991 --> 00:27:06,030 I would hate for you to presume that er, that, but, but, but... 484 00:27:06,031 --> 00:27:08,027 but, well, plan to succeed. 485 00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:12,026 Rosie, I did... 486 00:27:12,027 --> 00:27:15,010 If you say, "I told you so," you'll get one of those as well. 487 00:27:15,011 --> 00:27:19,006 Excuse me, please. Rosie, no, no, no, Rosie, wait, please. 488 00:27:19,007 --> 00:27:20,038 Yeah, I win! 489 00:27:20,039 --> 00:27:21,827 Do you, though? Really? 490 00:27:22,027 --> 00:27:25,022 Could someone maybe cover that up? 491 00:27:25,023 --> 00:27:27,974 Moffie, I'll write! 492 00:27:27,975 --> 00:27:29,876 I won't reply! 493 00:27:30,076 --> 00:27:31,978 Ugh, yeah, ugh! 494 00:27:31,979 --> 00:27:34,027 Suppose we better get a new PE teacher, then. 495 00:27:41,975 --> 00:27:45,967 Good news, sir, I got the photo finish of the race, you won! 496 00:27:46,167 --> 00:27:48,966 Yes! I rule! 497 00:27:48,967 --> 00:27:51,026 You won by a head. 498 00:27:51,027 --> 00:27:54,019 It's the most popular edition in the school's history. 499 00:27:54,020 --> 00:27:56,994 You saved the paper, sir! Everyone's reading it. 500 00:27:56,995 --> 00:27:59,773 Oh, great! 38950

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