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1
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,480
Yo, what's going down my...
n-word?
2
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:16,880
Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it.
What the Harry Hill? Are you...?
3
00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:21,120
Conducting a seance? Yes. It's interactive
learning. Hold yer Ouija boards,
4
00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:24,120
because today is the biggest day
in the school sporting calendar!
5
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,560
It's the big footie match
against Middleton House.
6
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,520
Really? Here?
7
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:33,240
Yes, but you can understand that they're
a little sensitive after last year -
8
00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:36,600
16 of their state-of-the-art
Mac Book Pros went missing.
9
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:37,440
17, actually.
10
00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:41,920
I've just heard that the PE teacher's
going to be unavailable for the game.
11
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:47,600
Slightly garbled message from him saying that he'll
either be back by two or in two to five years.
12
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,600
Something to do with DNA evidence.
13
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,560
And I fit into this how?
I need someone to manage the team.
14
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:57,520
A chance to stand up to those posho bullies. Tell them
you ain't going to be eating that biscuit no more.
15
00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:00,760
Not this again. Why does everyone
think I was bullied at Middleton?
16
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,160
Your girly run.
The way you throw.
17
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:04,560
Your Facebook wall.
I wasn't bullied, all right?
18
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:06,040
Come on, Alf. It's in the bag.
19
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:11,280
We're unbeatable this season. We're
like the Invincible Arse-gunners.
20
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,520
You know nothing about football,
do you? No.
21
00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:18,680
Do you know anything about sport? I like
the Red Arrows! Whoosh! So, whaddya say?
22
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,880
I guess I could.
Right, pack this up.
23
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,920
But Sir, you promised
we could talk to Hitler.
24
00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,360
Well, it's not like he's going
anywhere.
25
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,920
Yo! What's up team?
26
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:04,600
This sesh is all about you getting
to know your new gaffer.
27
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,800
Yeah. The boss man.
28
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,340
The special one.
29
00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:12,200
II Classico.
30
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,080
Why are you calling us team?
31
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,720
Cos you're my guys, right,
and I thought this match,
32
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:21,800
perfect opportunity for you to get
involved in the big game.
33
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,840
Hang on, what happened to
the actual football team?
34
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,120
Nothing.
35
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:33,560
So the last man has to be behind,
and in front, erm,
36
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:38,880
if it's two of them it goes to deadlock
and then it's done on public vote.
37
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,320
Yep. That, that's the offside rule
in a nutshell.
38
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:47,800
I can't believe you were
ostracised by the entire first team.
39
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,360
Ostracised. "Oh, my name's Joe
and I use long words."
40
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,320
Hang about,
ain't there a second team?
41
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,280
Yeah.
42
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,720
Bwarch! Guys! bawrch!
43
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:09,320
Look, sometimes it's good to have
a little re-jig of the team.
44
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,180
I mean, look at...
45
00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:12,840
The Sugababes.
46
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,080
You know jack shit about football.
47
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,040
Well, Mitchell, if you came
to my bedroom there is a certain
48
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,280
Goonersaurus duvet
that would beg to differ.
49
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,800
Did you just invite me
to your bedroom?
50
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,840
I'll play. Great. You play?
51
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,760
She's had one-on-ones with some of the game's
big names. And a couple of two-on-ones.
52
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,200
Who? A lady never breaks
a super-injunction.
53
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:37,160
OK. Jing, you in?
54
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:40,400
Bring the team some of that
unflappable Far Eastern work ethic.
55
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:44,440
It's not a national sport but there's
that fella that plays for United.
56
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,320
Yeah, that's his name, so...?
Not in a million years.
57
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,320
Come on. One of you must want
to play?
58
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:57,560
I'm pretty good at football.
59
00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,900
Yeah, he is.
He's just like Ashley Cole.
60
00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:02,040
That's very sweet
but don't be silly.
61
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,280
But we all know the only reason
you want us to play this stupid game
62
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,360
is to get back at your old school
for bullying ya.
63
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:11,080
Why does everyone assume
that I would be a victim of bullies?
64
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:12,960
Oi, dick wad! Hello, Grayson.
65
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,800
What's my position?
You... you want to play?
66
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:21,000
I'll play for this team all right, Downton,
but only cos I want to hospitalize some toffs.
67
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:25,120
This doesn't mean we're mates,
and I still think you're a piece.
68
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,180
Great, um, but, I thought you
weren't allowed to play.
69
00:04:28,380 --> 00:04:31,240
Yeah, well I'm back now, innit.
Finished serving my ban.
70
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:32,920
Why were you banned?
71
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:34,400
Off the ball incident.
72
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:36,360
What was it? Two footed tackle?
73
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,200
Arson. Right. Good.
74
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:44,920
See, that is exactly the kind
of passion that I'm looking for.
75
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,480
I think I've found myself a skipper.
76
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:53,120
So, who else wants to join
the revolution with me
77
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,680
and my buddy Frank?
78
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,480
You call me that again
and I'll firebomb your shed.
79
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:04,080
Me and my colleague here,
Mr Grayson.
80
00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,080
We're going to get dicked on.
81
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,840
No-one?
82
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,720
Please, I'm desperate.
83
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,560
What have I got to do to
convince you to play?
84
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,240
PHONE RINGS
85
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,820
"Hi, you're through
to Alfie Wickers.
86
00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:28,920
"Sorry I can't
take your call right now
87
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,400
"but I'm busy cracking one out
to Loose Women.
88
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:35,360
"No, not Vorderman or McLean.
89
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,320
"I am...
90
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,960
"stiffin' for McGiffin.
91
00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:45,160
"Please leave a message
after the tone."
92
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:47,680
All right then, deal.
93
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:52,080
OK right, time to hit the pitch. I want
to see what you've got in your lockers.
94
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,760
A flare gun and some porn.
Not yours.
95
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,160
KNOCK AT DOOR
96
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,600
Erm, you wanted to see me?
Ah yes, Ms Gulliver.
97
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:12,000
Rosie. Do come in.
98
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,320
So, what's this about?
99
00:06:17,520 --> 00:06:20,500
Ah, you know, just a natter really
just to, you know,
100
00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:23,680
how long's it been
since we had a good girly catch up?
101
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,760
Erm...
102
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,640
for ever.
103
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:31,520
Yeah, yeah it does,
it feels that way, doesn't it?
104
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:39,960
Yeah. So erm, how is your current
sexual slash romantic partner?
105
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,320
Erm...
106
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,800
What am I like, eh, with the gossip?
107
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,440
No, now listen, I've been thinking
about this for a while and I think
108
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,480
it's time that I do something
that may shake you to the core.
109
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:57,080
But erm, how attractive
do you think I am?
110
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,040
Look, I think you might have
misread some signals.
111
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,760
No, it's just that you see,
I heard that Middleton House
112
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:09,680
are looking for a new deputy head and
I would really love that transfer.
113
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,080
Oh.
114
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:16,760
Erm, you look...
115
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,280
Handsome.
116
00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,680
Oh, really?!
117
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:26,680
You're not just saying that.
You know...? This...
118
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,760
it's not too much?
119
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,840
No, it's very...
120
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:34,600
subtle.
121
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,160
Right.
122
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:40,320
Gosh you know, we should,
we should do this more often. Yep.
123
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,920
Menstruating much at the moment?
124
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,920
Please can I leave?
125
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:50,440
So how's the old footie thing going?
Oh, not great actually.
126
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,760
I think you should just
call them up and tell them...
127
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,720
Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson.
128
00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,680
The pundit from MOTo'D?
129
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:03,120
We are not going to play them
at football.
130
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:06,000
Phh, that's a relief
because we are shit...
131
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,680
We are going to beat them
psychologically.
132
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,600
We may not have the resources
of St Poshington's,
133
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:16,560
but let's see how they like it when they
come to face to face with our ghetto hell.
134
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,880
Safe, blood. Matron's ma bitch now.
135
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:24,120
GLASS SMASHES
136
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:25,560
Welcome to thug life.
137
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:29,880
♪ Yeah, yeah let's get down
with the trumpets... ♪
138
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,200
So this match must be quite
a big deal for you.
139
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:33,900
Chance to pay back those bullies.
140
00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:35,400
I was quite popular at Middleton.
141
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,320
Oh? They used to call me Scratchie.
It was kind of like my DJ name.
142
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,720
I used to spin the tunes
at the raves.
143
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,120
Raves? At Middleton House?
144
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,200
Well, the Hunt Ball.
145
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,280
Out of my way Wickers, thank you.
146
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,240
Any idea why Pickwell's come
dressed as a trannie today?
147
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,880
She's job hunting. She's probably
overdone it with her make-up,
148
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,480
and her suit.
149
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,080
And her dick.
150
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:03,640
Oh look, here they come.
151
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:07,120
What?! Look at the state of it!
152
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,600
Swanning in like they own the place.
153
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,360
Although technically I think their
trust does actually own the land.
154
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,960
What a Wickers!
155
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:22,720
Glad to see that one's er,
stood the test of time.
156
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,920
Terribly sorry old chap, would you mind
awfully throwing us that ball back?
157
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,520
Go on, old chap.
158
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:42,960
You don't think
he was talking to you?
159
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,680
Why would he have been? All right!
160
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:46,960
OK, lazy.
161
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,880
What a Wickers!
162
00:09:54,680 --> 00:10:00,240
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Alfie Wickers.
163
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,640
You spineless little tag-nut. Sir.
164
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,320
The vilest dingle-berry it was
ever my misfortune to pluck.
165
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,880
Remind me, what was it we used to call you?
"Scratchie" wasn't it? Because...
166
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,320
Stress-induced Eczema.
167
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:17,300
He used to sit in class scratching
himself like a junkie.
168
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:22,280
I can't wait to stick it
to your bunch of benefit scrounging
169
00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:23,600
gutter monkeys.
170
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,900
Now, who's the limp-dick
in command here anyway?
171
00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:30,000
I am. Who is? Scratchie is.
Scratchie is what?
172
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:35,880
Scratchie is the limp dick in charge of the
benefit scrounging gutter monkeys. Sir.
173
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,000
What's that man's problem?
174
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:48,440
Basically, something happened
between me and him
175
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:53,480
when I was in second year,
but I'd rather not talk about it.
176
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:57,400
Why not? Because it's embarrassing.
177
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,120
Because I'm a man.
178
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:03,640
Y'know I'd rather just keep
it a secret.
179
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,200
Oh my God!
180
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:11,060
Oh Alfie, I'm so sorry.
181
00:11:11,260 --> 00:11:13,800
That's so brave of you.
182
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,960
Well, it's really no biggie.
Y'know, shit happens.
183
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,040
Was there no-one you could
talk to about it?
184
00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:22,600
Well, you know, I guess
if I had really wanted to,
185
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,160
I could have gone
to confession but...
186
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:27,880
Confession?
Yeah, Middleton House was Catholic.
187
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,400
Yeah, course it was.
188
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,780
Oh, Alfie. Poor thing.
189
00:11:36,980 --> 00:11:40,040
Poor little thing.
190
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:44,800
Remember, whatever we wear,
wherever we go,
191
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,120
yes means yes and no means no.
192
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:54,040
Cup of rosie lea, my old lover.
Darjeeling. Two sugars.
193
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:55,280
I'm Head of Maths.
194
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,960
Good. Then you won't cock up
the sugars, will you?
195
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:00,320
Everything OK?
196
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:05,160
It will be once Hopalong Haversham
takes it up a gear with my tea.
197
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,720
You must be Mr Humpage.
198
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:12,040
Pickwell's the name. Deputy Head
here, but you can call me Isobel.
199
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:16,360
Isobel? What was it before Isambard?
Did you pick it yourself?
200
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,840
No, my parents chose it.
201
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:23,040
You're parents are supporting this?
Are they liberals, are they?
202
00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:27,320
May I take you on a small
guided tour of...
203
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:31,520
Yes! What don't you show me round this
spittoon of pig shit. There's a good lad.
204
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:38,720
I would be honoured. So um, tell me exactly
what position do you hold at Middleton House.
205
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,680
High tutor of Sports
and Grand Master of Dragon House.
206
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,800
Oh wow, that's very impressive.
207
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,840
Well,
it's one below Supreme High Wizard.
208
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,280
Sounds a bit like the Ku Klux Klan.
209
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,920
Yes, we also wear the hoods.
Nothing else but...
210
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:55,840
♪ Dressed, dressed
211
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:59,320
♪ Ya, listen, dress for the occasion
212
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,840
♪ And surrounded by a table
full of patron
213
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,760
♪ Not enough to go round... ♪
214
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,680
Looks like those public school kids
be bare bricking it, d'you get me.
215
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,240
Really?
216
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,300
♪ There's a name for people like me
217
00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,760
♪ There's a name for people
like me
218
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,560
♪ You can stereotype
There's a name for people like me
219
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,160
♪ There's a name for people like me
You can stereotype
220
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:31,760
♪ Yeah, people like me, there's
a name for people like me... ♪
221
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:35,600
Unbelievable.
222
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:40,520
Here we have the jewel in our crown,
our computer block. Ta dah!
223
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,520
Ooh, impressive!
224
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:48,680
Reminds me of the set up we used to have
before the damn things went missing last year.
225
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,680
No doubt pilfered by some oik
to help fund scratch cards
226
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,080
and popcorn chicken.
227
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:58,620
Oh, never mind. We soon replaced them -
raffled off one of our Rembrandts.
228
00:13:58,820 --> 00:14:03,160
Well, it must be very rewarding working
at somewhere like Middleton House.
229
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:07,400
You know what I like about
you "Isobel"?
230
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,200
You're a straight shooter.
231
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,200
You wear your dick on your sleeve.
No, it's just, it's just..
232
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:15,840
No, we could use a chap
like you at our place,
233
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:20,840
especially since Watkins succumbed
to the er, old teachers' curse.
234
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:23,160
Oh, depression? Gout.
235
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:27,000
There's only so much fois gras
a gentleman can take.
236
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,240
I'd be happy to put you
forward for the job.
237
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,040
How's that tickle your knackers?
238
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,680
Oh, they are tickled.
239
00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:42,320
You must know something.
240
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,000
Talk to me, Kammy.
241
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,440
'At which point Alan Mclnally
let out a massive fart.
242
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,440
'Me and Charlie Nicholas
were in fits.
243
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:55,040
'But Stelling, he never broke
stride. What a professional!'
244
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,880
Unbelievable, Jeff.
245
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:09,080
Look, guys,
it doesn't matter who they are,
246
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,320
or how much better
they are than you.
247
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,420
When you get out there,
248
00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:15,350
it's ten against ten,
249
00:15:15,550 --> 00:15:17,280
and anything can happen.
250
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:20,080
You mean eleven.
251
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,880
Yeah, eleven.
252
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,080
It's eleven.
253
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,360
You can do it!
254
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,360
"You can do it!"
255
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,480
Owww.
256
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,120
You...
257
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:54,740
twat!
258
00:15:54,940 --> 00:15:56,160
You pig.
259
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:57,880
We need to do a goal, guys.
260
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,520
♪ Say eat my goal
Eat my goal
261
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,320
♪ Looking for a saviour to save ya
From a lack of knowledge
262
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,560
♪ This little fella won't get you
through college
263
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,840
♪ No, no ask me about summer so
Let everybody in the house say...
264
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,660
Cowardly.
265
00:16:27,860 --> 00:16:29,280
Do a header!
266
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,840
♪ To play sport and to forget to call
their mums on the telephone
267
00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:34,560
♪ Use some bass, lower the tone
268
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,360
♪ Lower the tone
Don't ask me cos me not know!
269
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,720
♪ Say Ho ho
♪ Say Ho wo Ho wo
270
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,080
♪ Eat my goal... ♪
Do a goal!
271
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,120
MAKES FLAT NOTE
272
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,240
This is rubbish.
273
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,400
GENERAL CHATTER
274
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,200
What? What?
I don't know.
275
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:32,280
It's just that it looked like you
were going to say something...
276
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,640
I don't know, something deep.
277
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,800
To get us motivated
for the second half.
278
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,120
There's a second half.
279
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,100
Oh my days.
280
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,350
I knew that.
281
00:17:44,550 --> 00:17:46,600
Alfie, a word?
282
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,280
Look, this is ridiculous.
283
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,240
We're playing like, the school
equivalent of Man United,
284
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,080
and one of my team
is in a wheelchair.
285
00:17:58,280 --> 00:17:59,320
He's not even the worst.
286
00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:01,960
He's the only person in the first
half to have won a header.
287
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,240
Look, Alfie.
288
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,200
It's understandable.
289
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,840
Seeing the man again can trigger
suppressed emotions.
290
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,360
Honestly, I'm fine. I'm so over it.
291
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,120
It was so long ago.
I was like fifteen.
292
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,600
Jesus. Look, Alfie,
293
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:22,360
I know you're traumatised
but remember what I said,
294
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,080
it's not your fault.
295
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:27,600
Well, it kind of was.
296
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,120
No, Alfie. It's not.
You're the victim.
297
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:32,920
Say it, "it's not my fault".
298
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:35,560
It's not my fault
Doesn't that feel better?
299
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,240
Not really. Look I've been thinking,
can't I just throw in the towel?
300
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,160
No. This is more than the match now.
301
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:46,420
If you win this, you're not
winning for you but all the people
302
00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:50,680
who've had their voices
taken away by beasts like Humpage.
303
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,400
Don't let him win.
304
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,280
Yeah.
305
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,660
Yeah, I guess you're right.
306
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:01,040
This game does mean a lot.
307
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,560
You can do it! I can.
308
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:07,360
Come on! I can do it, come on!
309
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,880
OK, people.
310
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:16,240
Do you want to know what Middleton
House are saying about us right now?
311
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,800
Arseholes! >
312
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:24,920
They're also saying that we are
just going to bend over and take it.
313
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,280
So they got my group text?
314
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:30,200
You know, I heard some of them saying
315
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,360
about one of you in particular,
316
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,840
who will remain nameless,
317
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,840
was so ugly,
318
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:42,080
pathetic and physically deformed,
319
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:45,400
that they should get
a Pride of Britain award
320
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,200
just for not killing themselves.
321
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,400
Now are we really going to take that?
322
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:56,640
Or are we, for Joe's sake,
323
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,800
going to say no?
324
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:04,720
Let's show them.
Quitting is out of the question.
325
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,240
When it gets tough,
326
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,760
we gotta fight some more.
327
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,740
We've gotta fight.
328
00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:12,520
Fight! Fight! Fight!
329
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,200
Fight for this love! Yeah!
330
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,600
Ready your breakfasts,
and eat hearty,
331
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,000
for tonight we dine in hell.
332
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,480
Let's get out there.
333
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:28,220
THIS IS SPARTA!
334
00:20:28,420 --> 00:20:30,960
Yeah! Go on!
335
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,320
Rem Dogg's injured.
336
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:40,920
Puncture.
337
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,060
Can I play second half, Sir?
338
00:20:44,260 --> 00:20:46,000
All right Stephen. You're up!
339
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,560
This is the ball. OK?
340
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,640
Mitchell will pass you the ball
341
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,160
and then you kick it straight
to Grayson.
342
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:57,040
Understand?
343
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,840
Goal!
344
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:51,840
Sprinkler.
345
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,920
Do the Sprinkler!
346
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:57,240
Come on, you tripstoppers!
347
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,680
Come on, Middleton.
348
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:04,080
Get in!
349
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,400
What's the matter with you?
You hoo!
350
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:09,320
What's the matter with you...?
351
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,320
The bloke in the wheelchair's
faster than you lot!
352
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,720
♪ Get yer tits out,
get yer tits out...!
353
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:19,880
Not now.
354
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,920
More goals.. Yes! Inflation!
355
00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:00,900
OK, you want to play?
You want to party?
356
00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:05,600
Right, let's heat this party up,
huh.
357
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,480
Oh ho yeah, Humpage.
358
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,920
I like to party, and I've been to
far hotter parties than this.
359
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:17,720
In fact, I like to party in a sauna.
360
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:22,800
Yeah. And I've partied with far
bigger men than you.
361
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,200
I can go all night long.
362
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:30,440
OK. Come on Middleton.
363
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:32,520
WHISTLE BLOWS
364
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:34,600
Come on, Abbey Grove.
365
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,780
Careful, Alfie.
366
00:23:47,980 --> 00:23:50,040
Do him, Sir.
367
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:53,680
You stupid little quitting
quitting quitter.
368
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:57,320
QU-IT-TER spells quitter!
369
00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,240
Quit, quit, quit...
370
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,400
Wickers quitter. Quitter Wickers.
371
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:09,280
Wicker, Wicker, Wicker, Wicker. Quitter, quitter,
quitter, quitter, quitter. All you do it quit.
372
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:13,520
You're only good for quitting.
Quitter! You quitter!
373
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,080
AMBULANCE SIREN
374
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,720
Wickers, what have you done?
375
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:32,040
If you have harmed a hair
on his beautiful body.
376
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:36,360
Wickers. Wickers,
I know I've been harsh, boy,
377
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:39,320
but I only ever wanted
the best for you.
378
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,800
You've finally got what you
deserved, you pig!
379
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,520
Steady on.
380
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,280
You should be ashamed of yourself
for what you put him through!
381
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,520
What I put him through?
It was his fault.
382
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:53,920
How dare you say that. Of course
it's not his fault. He's the victim.
383
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:55,640
Why do you keep calling me
the victim?
384
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,960
Because you are, Alfie.
Don't you see? Oh God.
385
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:05,440
Enough is enough. You've got to accept it.
You are the victim of a rapist.
386
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:09,880
What? Yes. That's right,
you heard me. You are a rapist.
387
00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,200
You raped poor Alfie.
388
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,760
What are you talking about?!
No, I didn't.
389
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:18,120
Erm, Mr Humpage definitely
didn't rape me.
390
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:26,160
Where did you get that idea? Alfie, you
said something went on in the second year.
391
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:29,280
Yeah. I quit his sports team.
392
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,200
And you were the most promising
student I ever coached.
393
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:33,760
You could have gone pro.
394
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:38,280
When you threw it away
it tore me up inside.
395
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,240
Hang on. You said you didn't want
to talk about it
396
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:46,440
cos for a man it's embarrassing but there's nothing
embarrassing about quitting the football team.
397
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:51,120
Erm, wait, er, what sport
are we talking about here?
398
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:52,840
Weight lifting. Irish dancing.
399
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,080
THEY ALL SNIGGER
400
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,880
You should have seen his soft
shoe hornpipe.
401
00:25:58,080 --> 00:25:59,120
We had such plans.
402
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:02,840
First, we'd take Broadway,
then the world.
403
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:08,440
I mean, who else had ever thought of a
show consisting entirely of Irish dancing?
404
00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:13,720
The day you turned your back on dance
was the day you shattered my dreams!
405
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,320
Ooh...
406
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,320
Oh gosh.
407
00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:23,120
I'm sorry.
408
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,120
Right, get the ambulance.
409
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,920
My future job prospects
could be dying here.
410
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:31,720
Do it for me, Alfie. One more time.
411
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:33,320
Before I go.
412
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:36,980
I couldn't, I can't.
413
00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:39,230
I haven't warmed up.
414
00:26:39,430 --> 00:26:41,480
I might pull something.
415
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,200
Go on, Alfie.
416
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,320
I can't wait to see this.
417
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,440
Sir, do it. Sir, do it.
418
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,280
Just one last time.
419
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:30,520
So, that's it really.
420
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,360
Don't know why I gave it up.
421
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,120
Gay!
422
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,120
Oh yeah. That's why.
423
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:40,440
Not bad, but it lacked a little
panache. Let's go again.
424
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:45,680
And that's the other.
Match abandoned. It's a draw.
32774
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