Original subtitles

The cover model, she was so...

I wish I could look like that.

You've never seen her before?

Much better.

Hey.

Love the look.

I'm ready to clean my closet.

Where are you?

You didn't see me. I was never here.

Sabrina, have you seen Salem?

Um... no?

Salem: You are the worst liar.

Come on.

No, I won't go!

I won't go! I won't go!

Oh, is it time for Salem to be wormed again?

Salem: No, worse. I have to do community service.

It's part of his punishment

for attempting global conquest.

As if being a cat for a hundred years wasn't enough

Zelda had to put me in a pets for prisoners program.

I gave you a choice.

You could have done highway cleanup.

Yeah, cats do real well on highways.

Stop complaining and get your wormy little butt downstairs in two minutes.

It's time to pay your debt to society.

Can't I just write a check?

I don't know what your problem is.

It's nice to help people.

And what nice things have you done lately?

Me? I do nice things all the time.

Really?

Since you got magical powers

all I've seen you do is change your clothes

and make Brussels sprouts disappear.

That's not true and I'll prove it.

I'll use my magic to do three nice things before the end of school today.

Easy.

Not so easy.

Before you shoot your little finger off

you better consider the consequences.

Or terrriblethings could happen.

Hi. My name's Jenny.

I'm running for sophomore class president.

I'm with the outsider party.

Hi. My name is Libby.

I'm also running for class president.

But I'm with the popular party.

A vote for me is a vote for smaller classes

and more funding for the arts.

A vote for me is a vote for more pizza at lunch.

I'm voting for her.

She's pretty much killing you with that pizza platform.

I don't get it.

Why doesn't anybody want to support the outsider party?

Maybe because you named it after their biggest fear?

Libby thinks being class president

is about lunch food and dances.

Call me idealistic, but I really want

to make this school a better place.

Hey, you got my vote.

Which gives me a grand total of two.

Poor Jenny.

There's nothing like losing

to say, "you're a loser."

I wish I could win.

I really wanted to make a difference.

That's one nice thing.

Hey, Harvey.

Whoa! What's that smell?

Protein shake. Coach says I need

to bulk up if I ever want to start at running back.

Well, you look fatter.

That's sweet of you.

But you see that guy over there?

That's Randy, the destroyer.

Unless I put on 20 pounds or he gets injured

I stay on the bench.

Man, I want to play.

You want to go in?

Yeah, I'll be there in a sec.

Hey, watch it!

Ow!

My hand!

That's two.

Sorry I'm late, but my car broke down.

I made the mistake of trying to go uphill in my amc gremlin.

Why don't you just get a better car, Mr. Pool?

Like a Ferrari?

Sure, you know what?

I'm going to run right out and buy one.

And I'll pay for it with... frustration.

Now can we move on to science?

All right, today we're going to talk about the elements

and why one can't turn lead into gold

no matter how hard one tries.

And radon, the heaviest of the noble gases.

Don't laugh.

[ Bell rings]

Read chapter four tonight.

And take showers.

Especially you.

Hey, Mr. Pool, are you okay?

You seem especially bitter today.

Me? I'm fine.

What a mess!

It's just a bunch of papers.

No, my life.

I've been a teacher seven years

and I still can't afford a new briefcase.

I foundthis one.

I was wondering who t.G.K. Was.

Just to pay my bills

I have to work cafeteria duty

I have to supervise the science club

and on weekends

I... wash principal larue's car.

Well, maybe you should consider doing something else.

Like what? I love teaching science.

It's the only good thing in my life.

Well, you have a lot of coupons.

Thanks.

Oh, this one for 40 cents off fruitkooks has expired.

No!

Ah, who are they fooling, anyway?

You can no more sweeten a cookie with fruit

than you can turn lead into gold.

Or can you?

Wait a minute.

Why didn't I think of this before?

Lead is pb...

Mercury with...

Thanks for helping me pick up my stuff, Sabrina.

Now get out. I'm onto something.

Yes! Yes!

This would turn lead into gold!

But that's alchemy and it defies the laws of physics.

Ah, who cares? I'm going to be rich!

Whoo!

That's three nice things.

[ Violin playing off-key]

That was very good, Jeffrey.

But your e-string needs tuning.

I'll be right back.

This one's for Mozart.

Hey, guys.

Oh, I see Jeffrey's here.

Yep. Mozart started spinning in his grave

about ten minutes ago.

Oh, please, let the poor man rest in peace.

I don't get it, aunt hilda.

Why don't you just use your magic to make Jeffrey play better?

Wouldn't that be a nice thing for him and for us?

Yes, but I would never do that.

That's right. You must be careful

about meddling in mortals' lives.

We witches have rules.

Who cares about the rules?

I just want Jeffrey to keep paying for lessons.

Well, I've got to get back.

Must you?

[ Plucks note]

Perfect.

Like it matters.

Aunt hilda, I'm still a little confused

about this meddling thing.

Why is it you can't you use magic to make someone's life better?

Because it's impossible to know what would make a mortal happy.

What if you knew exactly what would make them happy?

You still can't predict the consequences.

But wouldn't those consequences just be good?

Well, in some cases the consequences might be good

but then again

terrriblethings could happen.

Hey.

Any word on the election?

Not officially, but this came out.

How can they print that Libby's won

when the results haven't been announced yet?

It's a weekly, Sabrina.

They usually just go on a hunch.

Yeah, well, I have a hunch too.

Attention students, this is principal larue.

I have in my hands the results of a grand experiment called democracy.

Just say it.

For president of the freshman class

the winner is Andy gallop.

For president of the sophomore class, the winner is...

Libby chessler.

Jennifer Kelly.

[ Shrieks]

Can you believe I won?

Yes, I can.

How about a picture for the yearbook?

Hey, congratulations, Jenny.

I'm really glad you won.

It's because people like you voted for me and not pizza.

Uh, right.

I'm having a great day too.

Coach just told me I'm starting at running back tomorrow.

That's great. That's what you wanted, right, Harvey?

Absolutely.

You guys going to come watch me play?

Sure. Cool.

Cool.

Don't be late, 'cause, you know, I'm starting.

Libby, I just wanted to say

that I think you handled your defeat very gracefully.

Oh, bite me.

Sorry, I'm late

but I was out buying a new car.

A Ferrari, since you asked.

Yes, thanks to the miracle

of science and an educated brain

I now have one... Wicked set of wheels.

Okay, whoever can explain

the krebs cycle gets a lump of gold.

Isn't learning fun?

Salem, you're back.

How was jail?

Not bad.

There's a guy in solitary convinced

Alan Dershowitz appeared to him as a talking cat.

I told him I'd call the governor

and plead his innocence.

See? I told you it was nice to help people.

Are you kidding? I'm not calling.

Calling who? About what?

Are we getting pizza?

No. I was just going to tell Salem

about the nice things I did today.

But I'm not interested.

I'm interested.

Tell me.

Oh, but wait.

Okay, start.

I wanted to use magic more to help my friends

so I made a few adjustments in their lives...

Hold on.

Didn't Zelda tell you there are rules against meddling?

And terrriblethings could happen?

Not again.

Look, everyone's happy.

Everything's working out great, okay?

There's nothing terrribleabout it.

This is terrriblepizza.

And a fair catch is called by the fighting scallions.

Wow. Great view.

This is so cool

hanging out in the president's section

watching Harvey start.

Oh, look, there's Mr. Pool.

Wow. Who's the blonde?

I think she came with the Ferrari.

No, wait, she's with the guy next to him.

The fighting scallions break from the huddle.

Harvey kinkle is the lone setback.

There's Harvey.

That's so great that he's out there.

Yeah, thanks...

Oh, are you sure that's Harvey?

He looks kind of small.

It's first and ten from the 21.

And the scallions keep it on the ground.

Kroeger hands off to kinkle...

Harvey's got the ball!

And he is pummeled!

Oh, the humanity!

That guy had no business being out there.

Oh, this is a terrible thing.

[ Siren wailing]

Mmm... ow!

Oh, you poor thing.

It even hurts to chew.

No, it's just hot.

Sabrina: I feel so bad

about Harvey.

I can't believe he sprained his arm.

I can't believe that's all he sprained.

Can we change the subject?

Let's talk about you being president.

All right. I have my big meeting with principal larue this afternoon.

Hey, Jenny tell larue to do something about this meatloaf.

Meatloaf?

Hey, man, what about intellectual freedom?

I'd better go.

I'll see you at the slicery?

Yeah, we'll get pizza.

Great idea.

This meatloaf really gags.

Hey, Mr. Pool, smells good.

Linguini with white truffles.

No more artery-clogging sloppy Joes for me.

Now that I'm rich, I have a reason to live.

So are you happy?

I'll say.

Wealth gives me the freedom

to teach science without anger and resentment.

I can now teach for the pure joy of teaching.

Ah-ah-ah. Leave the whole block.

Thank you.

Hey, Harvey. Hi, Libby.

So... did you make it to the game on Saturday?

Yeah, I saw you start...

And finish.

My dad's got it all on video.

He keeps playing it over and over

saying that I can learn from it.

Let me know if I can do anything to help.

I'm a cheerleader.

Let me handle this.

Sure.

I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry

not like a responsible-sorry.

More like

a sympathetic sorry

in a blameless, third-party sort of way.

Feel better.

The principal will see you now.

Please, sit down.

The reason I called this meeting

was to present my five-point program

my contract with westbridge,

if I may.

Proceed.

The first point focuses on class size.

You have no authority there.

I don't?

No. Next point.

I'm also concerned about arts funding...

You have no authority there.

Textbooks?

No.

Curriculum?

No. Parking.

I don't even have

authority there.

These topics that you raise

are not to be addressed in this room.

They are decided by powerful men

in smoke-filled boardrooms hundreds of miles from here.

It is not yourplace to question their choices.

They know you, Jennifer.

Better than you know yourself.

Let's leave the business of school

to the people whose business isschool.

Student class elections

have always been a popularity contest.

Let's keep it that way.

[ Whirring]

Hey, how did it go?

I'm on my second pitcher of root beer.

Why? What's wrong?

I wish I'd never become president.

You said that's what you wanted though.

I was so young, so naive.

I thought I could make a difference.

But you can.

No.

You keep your illusions, but it's too late for me.

I've seen how the meatloaf is made.

Oh, Jenny, I'm sorry.

It's a terrible thing.

Hey.

We need to talk.

Not now. I've had a really lousy day.

And apparently, it's not over yet.

This came in the toaster for you.

It's from drell.

The head of the witches' council?

What does he want with me?

We don't know. I wanted to open it.

Zelda wouldn't let me.

Drell: Report to my office immediately

and bring your aunts with you.

I don't want to go.

Drell scares me.

You guys go first and tell me what he wants.

Hey, I don't want to see drell any more than you do.

Yeah, sure.

Look, we used to be in love

but I no longer have any feelings for him.

How's my hair?

Come on, let's go.

Hilda: Ow, my foot.

I don't like this place.

It reminds me of the principal's office.

Drell will see you now.

You look so familiar.

Hello, drell.

What a pleasant surprise.

No, it's not.

I summoned you and you're here.

Hilda... what's with your hair?

My new boyfriend likes it this way.

Oh, your new boyfriend.

What's his name?

Um...

Well, I hope

you and... "Um" are very happy.

Sabrina, why don't we begin

by you explaining to us why we're here.

I don't know.

Stop me if something sounds familiar...

"athletic injury

"fixed election

altered immutable laws

of physics."

Oh, that.

You didn't! Sabrina!

I was trying to help.

"Help" is a four-letter word

like "dumb" and "move."

Am I right?

First, the people I helped were happy

but now only one is

and he's happy enough for all three.

Now, I should explain to you

that when I say, "am I right?"

It's a rhetorical question because

I'm always right.

Drell, please...

Sabrina's a good kid.

And things are hard on her.

Her mother's in Peru.

Her father's in a book.

And I'm in the land of "I don't care."

You're her guardians.

You should have warned her

that if you meddle with people's lives

terrible things could happen.

Well, I did. That's exactly what I said.

So did I.

So did Salem, but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.

Aw, geez.

Marge, get the guys down in ominous warnings

to tweak up the reverb on the word "terrible."

Terrible.

Terrible!

Ooh, that's nice, that's nice.

Thank you, Marge.

Now thatwas Marge's mistake.

And now back to yours.

The football injury and class elections

have no global consequences.

You can mess with your pimply, pubescent peers all you want.

Alchemy, however

could collapse the world economy

and wreak havoc on myt-bills!

Are you going to fix this

or should I give Salem a little blonde kitty friend?

No, I can fix it.

I just have to erase the knowledge.

I don't have to destroy Mr. Pool.

You got a day.

That's 23 hours

to solve the problem

and one hour to shop for a scratching post.

[ Laughs]

You're done. Go.

Get out of here.

Um, except you, hilda.

Why don't you, uh...

Stay a moment.

That's it.

I am never going to help anyone ever again.

He's just trying to scare me, right?

Oh, look.

Marge's teeth.

I've got to go find Mr. Pool.

Let's go.

What was that all about?

Oh, he asked me out.

I turned him down.

Sabrina, now you only have 16 hours.

Sorry.

Excuse me, is Mr. Pool in there?

You mean the guy who thinks

he's too good to wash my car now?

No, I haven't seen him.

[ Whistling] Mr. Pool, there you are.

I am so happy to see you.

I'm happy to see you, too

my little coupon picker-upper.

Come on, walk me to class.

Hey, look what I just got.

It's a digital personal assistant.

Watch this.

I just sent myself a fax.

I know you're really happy with your money

but, easy come, easy go.

Oh! Did I tell you? I'm funding a Grant.

It's called "the Eugene pool award for burnt-out teachers."

The healing begins now.

That's a beautiful dream.

Oh, man! I just wish

everybody could be as happy as I am.

Mr. Pool?

Hmm?

Just enjoy the next 40 minutes.

Of course, it's time for science.

Aerobic respiration is correct.

Well done, Timmy.

Here you go

and remember, everyone

you should learn for the sake of learning

and not just for gold.

Well, that's my last lump for now.

I'll make more up tonight.

Pool, you've got it wired up here.

No... no!

It's gone!

I lost it!

I never wrote it down!

Oh, this is a terrible thing!

[ Sobbing]

Hi, Sabrina.

You look bummed.

Like everyone else.

I'm not. I made my peace

with the universal meatloaf.

Really?

Yeah. Watch.

Can I have your attention?

I just wanted to say that I ran for president

because I thought the job

was about more than dances and lunch food.

I was wrong

so I think you'll be better off with Libby.

[ Applause]

I'm in control?

Yes!

And I am one step closer to the white house.

Nice speech.

So you're happy?

Very.

I'd rather be jaded than naive.

Who wouldn't?

Hey, Sabrina, you know how

you were feeling sorry for me yesterday?

You mean in that blameless, third-party sort of way?

You should know that since I've been injured

I've been having a lot of fun.

I'm reading more, I'm writing more.

I even think

my grades are going to improve.

Wow, so the sitting around thing is really working for you?

Yeah. I'm super-happy not playing football.

Just don't tell my dad.

Okay.

"A" equals "a."

Of course "a" equals "a." It's obvious.

It doesn't need to be stated.

Mr. Pool?

What?!

Oh, it's you.

Do you have a minute?

Yes...

A lifetime of them

and now, they're going by very slowly.

I was just thinking

that Jenny's happier not being class president

and Harvey's happier not starting on the football team

and, well, it made me think that maybe

you'll be happier not being rich.

Hmm... happier not being rich.

Are you nuts?!

Being rich is everything I ever dreamed of

and now it's gone, it's all gone.

[ Sighing]

Not again.

Sabrina, could you help me?

Sorry, Mr. Pool.

I'm not supposed to help anyone

but...

I guess one last time won't hurt.

Oh, why couldn't somebody just destroy me?

It can't be that bad, and I have a feeling

things will get better real soon

and who knows? Maybe you'll find

a new briefcase.

Yeah, right.

[ Whistling]

Steve! Uh, sir?

What is it, pool?

I was wondering if I came by

on Saturday, maybe I could...

Wash your car?

So... Mr. Rockefeller wants to wash my car.

You know, the only problem is

I found a 15-year-old to do it two bucks cheaper.

I can beat that!

I'm having a "back in the same old rut" special.

[ Clears throat]

I guess I'll see you Saturday.

Uh great... and uh, by the way that's a beautiful briefcase!