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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:08,925 [flicking lighter] 4 00:00:10,885 --> 00:00:11,803 [flicking lighter] 5 00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:20,895 [announcer speaking indistinctly behind doors] 6 00:00:21,479 --> 00:00:24,274 [audience cheering in distance] 7 00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:36,244 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 8 00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:40,248 get ready for Pete Davidson! 9 00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:42,834 -[door opens] -[audience cheering loudly] 10 00:00:43,334 --> 00:00:44,210 [door closes] 11 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,633 [Pete] I just, uh… I just turned 30 this week, so yeah. 12 00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:51,760 [audience cheering] 13 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:54,763 No, it's over, dude. It's over. 14 00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,974 I just, uh… I had to stop doing hard drugs 15 00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,311 'cause you can't… can't be a drug addict in your thirties. 16 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:06,232 I'm not that guy. You know that guy that can just do one bump of coke? 17 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:08,026 He's like, "Oh, I'm so bad!" 18 00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:09,110 [audience laughs] 19 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:12,781 Or that guy who'll have two beers, like, "I might have diarrhea tomorrow." 20 00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,991 You're like, "Fuck you, dude, you fuckin'…" 21 00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:19,120 Doing drugs in your twenties is fine. There's an excuse. 22 00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:22,582 You're like, "I'm finding myself." You know? It's cute, you know? 23 00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:26,836 Do a little bump off an iPad with your friends? It's adorable. 24 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:31,174 Say cute things like, "I'm a crispy little dolphin." You know? 25 00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,928 All your boys are like… [makes dolphin sounds] You know? 26 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,889 Then one of your boys has a kid, and you're holding it, 27 00:01:37,972 --> 00:01:42,102 you're like, "I think I'm a drug addict. I think I need some help." 28 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,731 I was on a magical drug 29 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,067 for the last two-and-a-half, three years, called ketamine. 30 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:51,694 -It was amazing. What a time! -[audience howls] 31 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:56,199 I thought of amazing ideas, great ideas. 32 00:01:56,282 --> 00:02:00,453 Like, uh, an Italian sleep aid called [in heavy Italian accent] Melatone. 33 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:02,413 -Sorry. -[audience laughs] 34 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:04,124 [chuckles] Sorry. So dumb. 35 00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:06,751 You go to sleep right away with [in heavy Italian accent] Melatone. 36 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:07,961 Sorry. 37 00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:11,506 No prescription. Some guy just gives it to you under a bridge 38 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:13,299 and kisses you on the cheek. 39 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,385 [audience laughs] 40 00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:19,639 [in heavy Italian accent] "Take one when you hit the turnpike. Alright, hey." 41 00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:20,557 Sorry. 42 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,979 If you don't know ketamine, you probably did it accidentally 43 00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:27,772 if you're a coke head. Yeah. 44 00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:32,402 You'll be doing coke all night. You'll do one bump, and be like, "Whoa." 45 00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,071 "This is not cocaine." 46 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,449 "Also, am I gay?" 47 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,910 [audience laughs] 48 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,665 It's embarrassing when you're not on ketamine anymore. 49 00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:46,916 You're like, "Ooh." 50 00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:48,418 "Ugh!" 51 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:53,089 "I'm embarrassed. I was out and about like that. That's not cool." You know? 52 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:56,509 I was at funerals like that. That's fucked up, right? 53 00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:59,262 I was at Aretha Franklin's funeral like that. 54 00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:02,265 Yeah, I have to live with that. 55 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,977 She'll never know, but still, it's not the point. 56 00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:07,979 If she was there, she'd probably be like, 57 00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:11,691 "Hey! Who are you and what the fuck are you doing at my funeral?" 58 00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:14,569 It's embarrassing. 59 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:17,572 I was so high I thought it was a good idea to say to her family, 60 00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:20,450 "Hey, I'm just here to pay my R-E-S-P-E-C-Ts." 61 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:21,868 [audience laughs] 62 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:22,827 Yes. 63 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,628 I started renting movies on Apple. 64 00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:34,547 Fuck Apple and their rental service! Scumbags! 65 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:37,300 They're like the mafia, those fucking assholes. 66 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:39,385 They're such assholes as a company. 67 00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:43,097 Did I buy the new phone? Of course, but… fuck them! 68 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:44,265 They're like the mob. 69 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:46,476 Like, "You're not getting our new phone? Okay." 70 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:50,188 "Guess whose phone's at 43% forever. Fuck you." 71 00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:53,858 "Every day of your life is now a guess, my friend." 72 00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:57,403 "You just buy your new dream car? Save up?" 73 00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,739 Oh, great. Charger port's different. 74 00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:02,700 Yeah. Every time you get a blow job now, you gotta be like, 75 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,703 "Sorry, they got a new charger. Sorry about that." 76 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,664 "Yeah, I know. Apple! I know." 77 00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:08,998 Sorry. 78 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,335 Scumbags! 79 00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:16,714 You ever go to rent a movie on Apple, and it's $4.99 to buy 80 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,716 and $3.99 to rent? 81 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:21,386 And you're like, "Fuck you, dude!" 82 00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:24,973 Really? You're going to make me own Jeepers Creepers 2? 83 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,557 You fucking assholes! 84 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,271 I don't know. 85 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,816 My mom's having a midlife crisis. 86 00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:38,987 Uh, yeah, she's really far up my ass right now. 87 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,906 You know, she's 55. 88 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:44,784 She hasn't been with anybody since my dad died. 89 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:48,413 So it's been like 23 years since she's, you know, spread 'em, I guess. 90 00:04:48,496 --> 00:04:49,372 I don't know. 91 00:04:52,333 --> 00:04:55,920 She called me, having a midlife crisis. She was like, "I want to get a facelift." 92 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,007 I was like, "For what? You don't even use your face." 93 00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:01,092 [audience laughs] 94 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:07,849 I'd get it if she was out getting tagged or something. 95 00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:11,644 You know, what you getting a facelift for? To watch Grey's Anatomy? 96 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,730 [audience laughs] 97 00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,817 [in high-pitched voice] "I love Eric Dane." 98 00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:26,367 Yeah, my mom won't fucking date. I'm trying to get her to date. 99 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,287 She was like, "Your father was my man." You know? 100 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:32,165 -[woman] Aw. -No! It-- "Aw" at first. 101 00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:35,918 It's been 20 years of this fuckin' Nicholas Sparks bullshit. 102 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:40,048 I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it! She needs to get out there. 103 00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:43,134 Okay? She needs to sign up to Hinge or fucking Bumble. 104 00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:46,054 Whatever the fucking-- The one the ladies get to choose. 105 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,764 Whatever. Girls are so cute. 106 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:52,185 They're like, "It's cool! We get to choose who comes on our face." Anyway, um… 107 00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:53,811 [audience laughs] 108 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:55,188 "Ain't that nice?" 109 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:58,566 She needs to get out there 110 00:05:58,649 --> 00:06:01,736 'cause all that weird energy 111 00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,822 that's supposed to be on a cock 112 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:07,950 goes to me and my sister, okay? 113 00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:09,911 And it's fucking weird. 114 00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:16,834 I'll go over to my mom's. I'll hang out, eat dinner for an hour, 115 00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:20,713 and she's like, "Where you going?" I'm like, "Home. What do you mean?" 116 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,883 Unless we're about to fuck in the shower, I don't-- 117 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:27,011 My duties as a son are done. 118 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,097 [audience laughs] 119 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:38,356 It's to the point where I might fuck her just to get her off my back. 120 00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:40,024 -[audience laughs] -Yeah, that's right. 121 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:43,319 "Maybe you're just not as good of a son as you think you are, huh?" 122 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,072 I'm the fucking son of the century right here! 123 00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,448 Give me my ribbon! 124 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:52,578 If I fuck my mom over Thanksgiving, my grandpa would kiss my forehead, 125 00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:56,165 and go, "I heard what you did for your mother. You're a good son." 126 00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,668 "She's smiling finally, hey." 127 00:07:05,716 --> 00:07:09,262 She needs to get out there. I'm trying to find her a suitor. 128 00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:11,722 Someone to fuck my mom, that's a difficult thing. 129 00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:14,475 You want it to be good but you want the guy to be good. 130 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:16,894 And that's-- You know, that's a rarity. 131 00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:19,689 You want the type of guy that fucks her missionary-only. 132 00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,732 But still makes her come twice, rolls over. 133 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:24,735 Hands her the remote, goes, "Heard Dancing with the Stars is on." 134 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:27,613 You know, that guy. Where is that guy? 135 00:07:32,201 --> 00:07:35,872 My mom's a good catch. 55, hasn't been with anyone in 23 years. 136 00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:38,082 It's like fucking brand-new down there. 137 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:42,211 Refurbished iPhone, right? You know? 138 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,547 Screen cracks. "Should I get a new one?" 139 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:48,134 "No, send it to this weird company called Insureon." 140 00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:51,304 In three weeks, you get it back, and when you charge it, it's all weird, 141 00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:53,097 but it gets the job done pretty much. 142 00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,183 That's my mom's pussy, dude! 143 00:07:57,685 --> 00:08:00,480 Fifty-five, hasn't been with anyone in 23 years. 144 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:03,316 Brand-new down there. She's like a classic car. 145 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:07,069 She's like a '68 Mustang with like 2,000 original miles on it. 146 00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,821 All original interior. 147 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:10,573 You go to the dealer, 148 00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:13,534 get behind the wheel, like, "Where the fuck's this been hiding?" 149 00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:16,621 "It's brand-new in here! What's its story?" 150 00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:20,583 Then the guy's like, "Well, some old guy had it and died." 151 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,712 "And his son kept it in the garage for 23 years." 152 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,925 "But better make a move fast." 153 00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:31,886 "I hear the son's thinking of keeping it for himself." 154 00:08:31,969 --> 00:08:33,429 [audience laughs] 155 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,598 "Hey, I like the way she drives." 156 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,061 "This thing is priceless to me." 157 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,901 My mom was a single mom, you know. 158 00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:50,154 But all moms are single moms, you know, right? 159 00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,532 You know you're alone, right? 160 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:57,870 My mom was so tired all the time. 161 00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:00,414 And now that I look back, horny apparently. 162 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:02,833 "Horny and tired." 163 00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,754 So, like, I-I-I never wanted to tell her 164 00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:09,590 any of my troubles, because she had no time for anything. 165 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:13,094 And any time I told her a problem, she always had one solution. 166 00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:18,182 She'd be like, "You should take a nap." No matter the severity of the situation. 167 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:20,726 That's the type of person my mom is. In complete denial. 168 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:24,480 Both my wrists could be cut, and I could be holding a knife. 169 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,024 Like, [in screeching voice] "I don't wanna be here!" 170 00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:31,904 She'd be like, "Have you slept today? You look tired." 171 00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,409 She's that type of mom, you know. 172 00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:38,995 And I remember I had a huge problem when I was ten. 173 00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,830 I thought I was gay, you know. 174 00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,374 I was wrong, but I thought, at ten, 175 00:09:43,457 --> 00:09:46,544 because I was obsessed with Leonardo DiCaprio, I was in love. 176 00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:49,505 Yes. I was into girls too, but I'm from Staten Island. 177 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:53,593 In 2002, no girl was hotter than Leonardo DiCaprio in Staten Island. 178 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,720 What a piece of ass he was, oh my God. 179 00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:59,140 He still gets pussy today based off what he looked like in 2002. 180 00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,809 He is the GOAT. I hope he never gets married. 181 00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:05,813 Running the best catch and release program the universe has ever seen. 182 00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:09,734 Leave him alone. I hope one day I get invited to the big yacht in the sky. 183 00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:13,821 With Tobey Maguire and sometimes Emile Hirsch, you know. 184 00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:17,325 "Matching Dodger hats, chicks half our age, guts going." 185 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:20,703 He don't give a fuck. Leonardo DiCaprio don't give a fuck. 186 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:24,665 He's all schleppy. He's not even in shape. 187 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:28,586 He's all fucking fat, slowly morphing into Jack Nicholson. 188 00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:30,171 He don't give a shit. 189 00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:32,548 Walking around on his yacht, looking at babes. 190 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,300 Going, "Hey, uhh, I still fuck." 191 00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:35,468 "Uhh!" 192 00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:38,679 "Uhh! I still fuck. Uhh!" 193 00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,350 "I make one movie so good every three years, 194 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,977 I just get to fuck. Uhh!" 195 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,690 "The ice caps are melting. Uhh!" 196 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:57,198 So when I was ten, I was on my porch all gay, thinking about this guy. 197 00:10:57,281 --> 00:11:01,911 Fresh off of a double-VHS of Titanic. "Spit in my mouth, Jack," I would say. 198 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,996 [audience laughs] 199 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,124 "Let's fog up a Model T together." 200 00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,462 My dream is to be Fabrizio. 201 00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:12,797 [audience laughs] 202 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,840 You know, that's my dream in real life. 203 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:18,469 'Cause Fabrizio was Leonardo's best friend and then he died. 204 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,930 That's my dream, dude. 205 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,723 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 206 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:28,020 So I remember I was sitting on my porch, you know, 207 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:31,982 and I was like, "How am I going to tell my mom I'm gay?" You know what I mean? 208 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,902 My mom's an Irish Catholic Staten Island mom. 209 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:37,613 She didn't tell me I was Jewish till I was 25, 210 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,740 and that's because I found out. 211 00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:43,953 I did a 23andMe or ancestry, whatever. 212 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:47,081 One of my boys did it. He came back Neanderthal. 213 00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:49,542 And he was talking all this weird Neanderthal shit. 214 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,963 He was like, "I'm Neanderthal, actually the rarest fucking…" [mumbles] 215 00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:58,676 I was like, "You're sill a dork. You're still a fucking stupid dork." 216 00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:00,344 But he was talking all this shit, 217 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:04,390 I was like, "I got to get swabbed. Maybe I'm Neanderthal or something." 218 00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:06,642 And it came back, I was like 50% Jewish. 219 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:10,396 And I called my mom, 'cause I was raised Catholic and… [mimics chanting] 220 00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:12,690 All that forever. You know. 221 00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:16,235 I was like, "Mom, am I Jewish?" She was like, "Yeah." 222 00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:18,487 [audience laughs] 223 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,990 So how am I going to tell her I'm gay? 224 00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:25,286 So I was sitting on my porch all gay. My mom pulls up, right? 225 00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:26,912 Slams the car door. 226 00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:29,415 She looks at me, goes, "What's wrong?" I go "Nothing." 227 00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:33,252 She says, "No, what's wrong?" I guess she noticed I looked a little gay. 228 00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:36,922 I go, "I think I'm gay." She goes, "Are you tired?" 229 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:41,510 And I go, "No, I'm just-- I don't think sleeping fixes homosexuality." 230 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:44,764 Imagine if it did? Imagine if gays are just tired. 231 00:12:45,639 --> 00:12:47,516 Elton John must be exhausted. 232 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,393 [audience laughs] 233 00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:54,940 She goes, "Why do you think you're gay?" I go, "'Cause of Leonardo DiCaprio." 234 00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:58,986 She goes, "That's not gay." I go, "It is. I have posters of him in my room." 235 00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,906 Like Titanic and the beach. 236 00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:04,575 Not even the movie The Beach, just him on the beach. 237 00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:06,202 With Tobey, you know? 238 00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,245 Matching Dodger hats, you know? 239 00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:11,165 She goes, "That's not gay." "Yes, it is." 240 00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,751 Right there, that was too long of a problem for my mom. 241 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,169 She just snaps. 242 00:13:15,252 --> 00:13:18,547 She just goes, "All right! You wanna know if you're gay, Peter?" 243 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,801 I'm like, "Whoa, what the fuck is this, a circus all of a sudden?" 244 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,595 "Step right up! My son the queer!" I was like… 245 00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:26,680 [audience laughs] 246 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:30,893 I'm like "Relax, we have neighbors. They're starting to gather." 247 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,564 She goes, "This is how you know you're gay. Let me ask you this." 248 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,233 "Do you want to suck his dick?" 249 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:41,070 I don't know what that means. I'm ten. I just don't answer. 250 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,073 She goes, "Do you want to suck his dick?" And I just keep going… 251 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,866 'cause I don't know what that is. 252 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:48,994 She goes, "Pull his pants down, grab his dick, you know, 253 00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,205 put it in your mouth till it expands." 254 00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:54,416 I was like, "What? Expands? What the fuck are you talking about?" 255 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,669 I'm ten! I got a baby button cock at the time. 256 00:13:56,752 --> 00:13:59,713 ♪ Baby button cock Little weird boy cock ♪ 257 00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:01,257 [audience laughs] 258 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,051 It expands? What the fuck you talking about? 259 00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,637 She goes, "Do you wanna get fucked from behind, Peter?" 260 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,347 "By Leonardo DiCaprio?" 261 00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,016 "Do you want to look behind you and Leonardo DiCaprio's behind you, 262 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,977 puts his dick in your butthole, it expands?" 263 00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:16,063 I was like, "You gotta stop with the expansion thing." 264 00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:17,773 I'm ten, it's 2002. 265 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:21,151 Only expansion I'm aware of, Houston Texans are now in the NFL. 266 00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:24,363 That is it! I don't know about cock expansion, Mom. 267 00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:27,199 She goes, "You get fucked from behind by Leonardo." 268 00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:31,036 "And he's going to town, and he mushes your face in the pillow." 269 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:34,999 "You're down there for 20 seconds, and then you look up, and all of a sudden, 270 00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,751 Leonardo's outside the window waving at you." 271 00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,336 "You're confused, 272 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:41,630 'cause you're still getting fucked from behind." 273 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:45,134 "And then you look behind you, and it's Tobey Maguire! Tobey Maguire!" 274 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:47,970 "Is that what you want?" 275 00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:52,600 I was like, "Sounds like you need a nap, and that's what you want, psychopath." 276 00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:55,519 I just said, "No!" 277 00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,521 And she goes, "Not gay." 278 00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,565 [audience laughs] 279 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,947 This is going to sound weird. I don't like doing Make-A-Wishes. 280 00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,617 -Um… -[audience laughs] 281 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,119 Just 'cause they're sad, that's all. 282 00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,747 By the way, not getting a lot of offers, might add. 283 00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:19,209 Believe it or not, it's not a lot of people's dying wish to meet me. 284 00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:23,297 It's usually their wish for me to die, actually. Complete opposite. 285 00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,090 There's a foundation for that. 286 00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,677 I don't like doing them 'cause they're sad, that's all. 287 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:32,598 They make me really sad, especially when you're in a k-hole. 288 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:36,101 When you're on ketamine, and they say, "This kid is sick." 289 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,478 You're like, "I know." 290 00:15:38,854 --> 00:15:41,190 "And I'm pretty sure I could cure him." 291 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,567 [audience laughs] 292 00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:47,780 "Listen to Alan Watts and put on The Last Dragon. Let's go." 293 00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:48,739 Sorry. 294 00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:51,158 They're just sad, that's all. 295 00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:53,744 The Make-A-Wish Foundation called, "We got one for you!" 296 00:15:53,827 --> 00:15:56,789 I was like, "That's a weird way to go about it." Right? 297 00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:58,457 I don't know the right one, but… 298 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:04,129 Not like, "Hey, we caught one! Real sicko! A real sick one." 299 00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:07,716 "That's what we do." 300 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,428 They call me, "His name's Kevin, he's dying of cancer." 301 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,097 I said, "That's so sad. I'm sorry." 302 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:15,265 They're like, "His dying wish is to meet you." 303 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,017 I said, "Is it brain cancer?" 304 00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,103 [audience laughs] 305 00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:24,608 So I set it up. They ask, "Do you want to do this?" 306 00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:28,487 I was like, "Yeah, I just drove into a house, I could use good press." 307 00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,364 [audience laughs] 308 00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:35,953 In my defense, that house cut me off, all right? That fucking-- Just fucking… 309 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,790 They didn't put that in the article. 310 00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:45,879 So I'm nervous, because I'm not a good Make-a-Wish guy candidate. 311 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,048 If there was a Make-a-Wish video game, 312 00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:51,010 I wouldn't be a character you could select. 313 00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:54,304 Like, "Pete Davidson!" You know? 314 00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:59,143 It wouldn't be me. You know who's good at that? Johnny Depp. 315 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:02,229 Johnny Depp comes in dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow. 316 00:17:02,312 --> 00:17:04,690 He's like, "Hello, children." [mumbles] 317 00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:07,151 And the kids are laughing, and the nurses are wet. 318 00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:10,112 It's fucking awesome. They're fucking all, like, soaked. 319 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:13,490 He's good, you know? 320 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:15,909 Or John Cena, the wrestler. He's amazing. 321 00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,370 I think he's done the most ever. God bless him. 322 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,123 He comes in. He has, like, a championship belt. 323 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:25,002 He's all wrestlery. He's like, "What's up, son? How you doing, champ?" 324 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:26,628 The kid's like, "Oh!" 325 00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:29,423 And then he's like, "Wanna hold my belt?" "Huh? Wanna hold my belt?" 326 00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:33,927 I'm watching, like, "I don't have a belt. What am I going to do? I got nothing." 327 00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:36,221 Give him my phone and say, "Scroll to the right"? 328 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,348 "Want to see some ass, dude? Fuck yeah." 329 00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,017 "Yeah, she's cool, dude." 330 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,311 "She's actually your doctor." Anyway… 331 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:44,396 [audience laughs] 332 00:17:45,981 --> 00:17:49,860 So I was all nervous, you know, 'cause I want to show up for this kid. 333 00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,361 I want to kill it, you know. 334 00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:54,782 The Make-A-Wish, not actually… That would be easier. 335 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:57,826 Wouldn't that be great? You get murdered by your favorite celeb. 336 00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:00,621 "It's been great. Yep." Bang! 337 00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,372 [audience laughs] 338 00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,792 So I was thinking, "What's my belt?" 339 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,335 I want to crush this. 340 00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,879 This is a huge deal. I want to do well. 341 00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:12,007 And I was like, "Ooh." I was like, "Okay, let's think about it." 342 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,093 The kid is going to die, right? 343 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:18,388 That's-- No, I'm not being a dick. That's just what a Make-A-Wish is. 344 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,723 That's all. 345 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,559 Otherwise, why would you hang out with a kid for three hours? 346 00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:26,105 That's weird, you know. You'd be a pedophile, actually. 347 00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:30,859 Ironically, for a pedophile, that would be their Make-a-Wish, you know? 348 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,445 Hang out with a dying, weak one, you know? 349 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:37,741 [audience laughs] 350 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:41,537 Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I was molested, so I can make those jokes. 351 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:44,123 -I don't give a shit, so there you go. -[audience cheers] 352 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:47,126 I'm not saying that to be cool. I just don't have the Internet. 353 00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:50,712 I don't do interviews. I don't wanna be like, "Well, actually…" 354 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,798 [audience laughs] 355 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,846 I was like, "This kid's gonna die, there's nothing I can do." Right? 356 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:03,517 But what I could do, I could tell him all of my secrets. 357 00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:06,520 Right? I have a lot of secrets. 358 00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:09,439 I don't kiss and tell 'cause I'm an old-school broad. 359 00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:13,068 I keep it to the chest, and I hope God gets you. 360 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,278 That's how I roll. 361 00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:16,363 I have a lot of secrets, 362 00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:19,366 things I can't tell my friends or my therapist, 363 00:19:19,449 --> 00:19:21,326 'cause I don't trust them, you know. 364 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:24,454 And I'm pretty sure one of them works for the Daily Mail. 365 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,456 [audience laughs] 366 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:30,794 But I was like, "I can tell this kid 'cause it's not going anywhere." 367 00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:36,341 It's like a sure thing. Very few things in life are sure. 368 00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:37,801 It's kinda nice, you know. 369 00:19:37,885 --> 00:19:39,052 So that's what I did. 370 00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,638 I hung out with him for three hours, sung like a canary. 371 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:45,475 Told him everything. "This guy's actually cool, this guy's not." 372 00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:49,855 "This guy's in the Illuminati, this guy needs to be burned to come." 373 00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:53,275 One of those is me, and I won't tell you which one. 374 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:57,779 We had an amazing time. He was so happy. I was so happy. 375 00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,740 A huge weight was lifted off of me too. 376 00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,784 I got to tell him some stuff, get some stuff off my chest. 377 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,620 It was great, beautiful. He hugged me. 378 00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:07,206 He said, "That was so much fun. I'll see you around." 379 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:10,500 I was like, "Well, I don't know about that, but… you know…" 380 00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:13,128 I was like, "Godspeed, little man, you know." 381 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,046 How cool was that? 382 00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:17,841 Hit him with a "Godspeed." Huh? How often do you get to do that in life? 383 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:21,637 I remember driving home, like, "Godspeed, you motherfucker. That's pretty cool." 384 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,931 "What are you, Magnum PI? That was awesome." 385 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,808 And I felt great. 386 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:30,145 And then a week went by, and I went on the Make-A-Wish website, 387 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,105 and the kid was still alive. 388 00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:34,191 [audience laughs] 389 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,072 [audience laughs] 390 00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,283 Started getting a little nervous. 391 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:47,412 I don't know who this kid knows. 392 00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:52,793 So I called up the foundation, check up on him, you know. 393 00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:55,754 Make sure no miracles are afoot. 394 00:20:55,837 --> 00:20:57,214 [audience laughs] 395 00:20:57,798 --> 00:20:59,174 Hey, I held up my end! 396 00:21:02,135 --> 00:21:03,929 I was promised a dead child! 397 00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,222 [audience laughs] 398 00:21:05,305 --> 00:21:07,182 I'm tired of people lying to me! 399 00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:12,813 So I call up the fucking Make-A-Liars. 400 00:21:12,896 --> 00:21:16,066 I go, "Hey, you fucking lying sacks of shit." 401 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,778 They go, "Who is this?" I go, "It's Pete Davidson." 402 00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:23,407 They go, "Kevin was just telling us what a wonderful time he had." 403 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:24,908 I go, "I had a great time too." 404 00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:28,120 "He said you really shared a lot." I go, "Oh fuck, did he?" 405 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:31,707 I guess a pinky promise means dick to Kevin. 406 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,254 I go, "How's he doing?" 407 00:21:37,337 --> 00:21:39,798 They go, "Well, not well, but there's always hope." 408 00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:42,801 I go. "Yeah, well, how much? How much hope do you think? 409 00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:48,140 'Cause if cancer don't get him, I will, at this point. He knows too much. 410 00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:52,978 They go "We appreciate your concern." I go, "Oh, I'm very, very concerned." 411 00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,814 "You let me know when it happens." 412 00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,775 They go, "We will." Hung up. 413 00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:01,278 Next week, I was freaking out a little bit. 414 00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:03,363 Just looking at the phone. 415 00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:06,199 And then, you know, finally. Yeah. 416 00:22:06,908 --> 00:22:08,827 [audience laughs] 417 00:22:08,910 --> 00:22:11,163 They called, you know, and, uh, yeah. 418 00:22:12,247 --> 00:22:13,457 Wish fulfilled. 419 00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:15,542 [audience laughs] 420 00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:21,298 Joke over, he dies. That's it. 421 00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:22,924 There is no happy ending. 422 00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:27,137 It is a happy ending, in that it's exactly what was supposed to happen. 423 00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:34,144 I was watching Chappelle specials, and I noticed-- 424 00:22:34,227 --> 00:22:35,270 Yeah, he's the best. 425 00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:39,232 I noticed when he's crushing and having a good time, he'll be like, "Aah!" 426 00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:42,903 That actually hurt a little bit. 427 00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:45,906 Chappelle got some thick legs doing that. 428 00:22:47,616 --> 00:22:49,659 I was like, "I wish I had one of those things, 429 00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,453 where I'm crushing, and I get to…" 430 00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:52,662 Whatever that… 431 00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:56,124 Maybe when I'm doing well, I-I-I-I'll go like this. 432 00:22:58,627 --> 00:22:59,544 "Wish fulfilled." 433 00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:02,214 [audience laughs] 434 00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:08,136 Maybe-- Maybe I'll carry around packing peanuts in my pocket, 435 00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:11,098 and after a punchline, I'll be like… 436 00:23:11,181 --> 00:23:13,600 [audience laughs] 437 00:23:17,646 --> 00:23:19,356 It's been a very sad year. 438 00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:21,983 I lost my stalker. 439 00:23:24,277 --> 00:23:26,196 I think that's sad, you know? 440 00:23:26,279 --> 00:23:28,573 You really don't know what you got till it's gone. 441 00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:30,283 [audience laughs] 442 00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:34,246 You know, I remember when I first met my stalker. She was outside my house. 443 00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:38,708 It's weird when you get a stalker, 'cause there's two parts of your brain. 444 00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:42,587 First time you get a stalker, you're like, "Oh my God, this is so weird and scary." 445 00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:46,633 But there's the other part of your brain, "I guess I'm doing well." [giggles] 446 00:23:47,342 --> 00:23:51,513 Then you get a good look at your stalker, and you're like, "Maybe not so well, huh?" 447 00:23:54,224 --> 00:23:56,518 I'll never forget. I met her. She was outside my house, 448 00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:58,979 wearing a shirt with my face on it. 449 00:23:59,729 --> 00:24:01,982 And it wasn't even a flattering photo. 450 00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:06,820 It was like blown up and warped. My eyes were all over. 451 00:24:06,903 --> 00:24:09,948 It was like a nightmare. It was so-- It insulted me. 452 00:24:10,031 --> 00:24:12,617 It was so bad. I wanted to go up to her and be like, "Hey." 453 00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:14,661 "If you're ever going to do this, like, 454 00:24:14,744 --> 00:24:18,874 here's five photos of myself that I like, okay?" 455 00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:22,794 So, you know, I pull up, she's out there. 456 00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,172 She's a stalker, so, you know. 457 00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:27,132 Not hot, you know? 458 00:24:29,092 --> 00:24:31,970 That's what you picture when you picture a stalker. Not hot. 459 00:24:32,053 --> 00:24:33,054 If they were hot, 460 00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:36,349 they wouldn't be a stalker, they'd be my girlfriend. 461 00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:40,562 So… yeah. "How much do you love me? We'll figure it out. Get up there." 462 00:24:41,646 --> 00:24:43,607 So I'm outside, right? 463 00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:45,734 And I pull up, and she's there. 464 00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:49,154 And I don't have a gun, right? But she doesn't know that, right? 465 00:24:49,696 --> 00:24:51,698 So I was watching a lot of SVU at the time, 466 00:24:51,781 --> 00:24:53,825 and when they're approaching the perp, 467 00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:55,827 they get out of the car, they show their gun, 468 00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:58,288 and they usually put it in their jacket like this, 469 00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:03,001 and they walk to let 'em know they got one, but not to alarm people. 470 00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:06,129 And I didn't have a gun, but she don't fucking know that, right? 471 00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:08,089 So I made a finger gun, 472 00:25:08,715 --> 00:25:11,134 and I put it in my pocket like this. 473 00:25:11,218 --> 00:25:13,678 And I started walking towards her, okay? 474 00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:16,973 So I'm looking at her like this. 475 00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:19,768 And she's kind of smiling at me. 476 00:25:19,851 --> 00:25:22,521 She's kinda… I was like, "Why is she smiling?" 477 00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:26,149 Then I was like, "Oh. She thinks I have a boner." Okay, yeah. 478 00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:28,985 This is like her Make-A-Wish. This is… 479 00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:31,029 And I literally went, 480 00:25:31,112 --> 00:25:34,908 "Not a boner, just a finger gun," which I think is worse. 481 00:25:34,991 --> 00:25:37,702 I should have just had a boner, to be honest with you. 482 00:25:37,786 --> 00:25:41,081 'Cause now I'm a loser in front of my own stalker, and I'm… 483 00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:44,417 Now she's winning. Now I'm bothering her in a weird way. 484 00:25:45,710 --> 00:25:48,380 So, I go, "What are you doing here?" 485 00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:51,383 And I don't know where to look 'cause I'm on her shirt, 486 00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:54,594 and I'm all over the place. And she's-- 487 00:25:54,678 --> 00:25:58,390 I'm a little scared to talk to her, so I'm just, like, confused. 488 00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:02,477 I said, "What are you doing here?" And she just said, "I love you!" You know. 489 00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:05,647 I was like, "That's very nice, but you can't be here." 490 00:26:05,730 --> 00:26:06,731 And she goes, "Why?" 491 00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:10,193 I was like, "I don't know, it's never gotten this far, to be honest." 492 00:26:10,277 --> 00:26:13,196 Usually you go, "Get the fuck out." People say, "Sorry!" 493 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,031 I didn't expect someone to challenge. 494 00:26:15,115 --> 00:26:18,451 I was like, "I don't know, you just can't be here." 495 00:26:18,535 --> 00:26:19,953 And she was like, "Why?" 496 00:26:20,036 --> 00:26:22,414 I was like-- I don't-- I don't know where to go. 497 00:26:22,497 --> 00:26:26,418 I was trying to think what to say, and then I was thinking about it. 498 00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:28,587 She seemed a little nuts, you know? 499 00:26:29,212 --> 00:26:31,214 You know, I-- I'm crazy. 500 00:26:31,298 --> 00:26:34,801 So crazy people could, you know-- Like, we can tell. 501 00:26:35,343 --> 00:26:37,971 She's definitely a little nuts. She's, you know-- 502 00:26:38,054 --> 00:26:40,098 First of all, look at the shirt, you know. 503 00:26:41,016 --> 00:26:41,850 You know. 504 00:26:43,143 --> 00:26:46,187 And she's stalking me, you know what I mean? That's… 505 00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:49,065 So I felt a little bad. 506 00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:53,862 I was like, "You got to be nice and careful with the situation," right? 507 00:26:53,945 --> 00:26:56,740 So I told her. I was like… 508 00:26:58,575 --> 00:27:01,244 I kind of went elementary school on her. 509 00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:02,746 I went like, "Hey." 510 00:27:02,829 --> 00:27:07,292 I was like, "You can't be here because this is where I go poopy." 511 00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:09,377 [audience laughs] 512 00:27:12,339 --> 00:27:16,092 And after I said that, a little light flickered in her eye, 513 00:27:16,176 --> 00:27:18,637 like she was a Who from Whoville. She was… 514 00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:21,890 She was like, "What?" I said, "Yeah, I go poopy here." 515 00:27:21,973 --> 00:27:23,433 She goes, "Ugh." 516 00:27:24,851 --> 00:27:27,562 "You wouldn't want to be here while I'm doing that." 517 00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:28,772 And she goes, "No!" 518 00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:32,567 I got a little embarrassed. I was like, "Why? You'd be so lucky." 519 00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:35,862 "You'd be so lucky if you were around my poopy." 520 00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:36,780 She said "What?" 521 00:27:36,863 --> 00:27:39,491 I was like, "Never mind. Yeah, you shouldn't come here." 522 00:27:39,574 --> 00:27:41,409 "I could be pooping and that's gross." 523 00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:44,704 "And I have Crohn's, so it could be a war zone up there." 524 00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:48,416 And she was like, "Okay, I'm sorry. I won't ever come back here." 525 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:51,503 Then she left. Right? I thought the problem was solved. 526 00:27:51,586 --> 00:27:54,130 No, that is just our first encounter. Okay? 527 00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:58,385 It's a very long story, so buckle in. Also, I do have Crohn's. 528 00:27:58,468 --> 00:28:01,221 I told people I had Crohn's when I was like 19, 20, 529 00:28:01,304 --> 00:28:02,722 'cause I had it really bad, 530 00:28:02,806 --> 00:28:06,101 and then now it's mostly fine, like, 90% of the time. 531 00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:08,395 Uh, but like, I-- 532 00:28:09,396 --> 00:28:12,107 It's weird. I don't like telling people that, 533 00:28:12,190 --> 00:28:15,985 like, 'cause I got good meds 'cause things are going all right, 534 00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:17,362 so I'm doing okay-- 535 00:28:17,445 --> 00:28:19,406 But the reason why I thought-- 536 00:28:19,489 --> 00:28:22,325 that's a gross thing to say, but I have to say it 537 00:28:22,409 --> 00:28:25,620 because people come up to me outside, 538 00:28:26,246 --> 00:28:29,958 and try to bond with me over Crohn's. 539 00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:32,585 And it's just like-- 540 00:28:32,669 --> 00:28:34,796 Not even at the bathroom, you know what I mean? 541 00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:38,466 I'll just be in line at a store, and someone'll come up to me 542 00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:39,843 and be like, "Hey!" 543 00:28:41,261 --> 00:28:42,262 "Me too." 544 00:28:42,345 --> 00:28:43,722 [audience laughs] 545 00:28:44,305 --> 00:28:47,016 And I'm like "What?" And they just go, "Yeah." 546 00:28:48,768 --> 00:28:51,104 "I got a poopy butthole as well." 547 00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:54,274 "Name's Phil." I'm like, "Ugh! Fuck it." 548 00:28:55,984 --> 00:28:59,696 I don't have the heart to say, "I don't have your Crohn's." 549 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,699 I'm like the Magic Johnson of Crohn's. 550 00:29:08,204 --> 00:29:09,247 Okay, so… 551 00:29:10,623 --> 00:29:12,459 I go out of town, right? 552 00:29:13,668 --> 00:29:18,131 My mom and my mom's 79-year-old friend Terry 553 00:29:18,214 --> 00:29:19,549 are watching my house. 554 00:29:19,632 --> 00:29:21,050 Terry is a girl. 555 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:26,556 My mom told me I have to tell people that Terry is a girl after a show once. 556 00:29:26,639 --> 00:29:30,727 She was like, "Terry could also be a guy's name, and we love Terry, 557 00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:33,146 and if this comes out, and people start--" 558 00:29:33,229 --> 00:29:37,442 "We don't want anyone to think she's a guy so you should say that she's a girl." 559 00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:39,569 And I said, "Hey, Mom." 560 00:29:40,153 --> 00:29:42,489 "Nobody gives a fuck 561 00:29:43,239 --> 00:29:46,159 about you or Terry." 562 00:29:46,242 --> 00:29:48,119 [audience laughs] 563 00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:55,960 So my mom and my mom's 79-year-old female friend Terry 564 00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:57,086 are watching-- 565 00:29:57,170 --> 00:29:59,255 Yeah, now the joke's gonna work! 566 00:30:01,674 --> 00:30:05,470 They're watching my house, okay? My mom is oblivious to reality. 567 00:30:05,553 --> 00:30:08,181 She's a very smart lady, but she's just-- 568 00:30:08,264 --> 00:30:12,268 She's one of those moms that's always like, "Really? No!" 569 00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:16,731 Just doesn't believe anything. I told her. I said, "Someone knows where we live." 570 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:18,858 "Someone could come over and hurt you." 571 00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:22,278 And she goes, "No. No, they're looking for you." 572 00:30:22,362 --> 00:30:24,948 "They're not gonna… They're not gonna hurt me." 573 00:30:26,032 --> 00:30:29,327 I'm like, "That's fair, but could you humor me? This is scary." 574 00:30:29,410 --> 00:30:32,163 And I was like, "There's someone-- I have a stalker." 575 00:30:32,247 --> 00:30:35,416 "And you just gotta be aware in case she comes by." 576 00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:37,627 She goes, "All right. What does she look like?" 577 00:30:37,710 --> 00:30:41,881 I was like, "You'll know. Trust me. Unmistakable. Okay?" 578 00:30:44,300 --> 00:30:45,677 So I go out of town. 579 00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,555 Okay, stalker comes back, she rings the doorbell. 580 00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:51,307 My mom answers and goes, [high-pitched voice] "Hey, who are you?" 581 00:30:52,183 --> 00:30:54,269 That's what my mom sounds like, by the way. 582 00:30:54,352 --> 00:30:57,146 Like an Adam Sandler Hubie Halloween character. 583 00:30:57,647 --> 00:30:59,190 [in high-pitched voice] "How you doing?" 584 00:30:59,274 --> 00:31:02,360 So fellas, imagine that while you're tagging it. 585 00:31:02,443 --> 00:31:04,028 [in high-pitched voice] "Ooh!" 586 00:31:06,406 --> 00:31:09,909 She'll probably say things like, "Ooh, thank you! Thank you!" 587 00:31:10,743 --> 00:31:14,330 She's been out the game so long, she don't know dirty-- "Thanks, sir!" 588 00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:25,174 So my mom goes, "Hey, who are you?" 589 00:31:25,675 --> 00:31:27,385 Stalker goes, "I'm Pete's friend." 590 00:31:27,468 --> 00:31:30,096 My mom, of course, goes, "Well, come on in." 591 00:31:30,179 --> 00:31:31,890 [audience laughs] 592 00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:38,229 Stalker proceeds to watch Grey's Anatomy with my mom and Terry for three hours. 593 00:31:41,149 --> 00:31:42,483 Three hours goes by, 594 00:31:42,567 --> 00:31:45,236 my mom finally thinks, "Maybe I should call Peter." 595 00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:47,906 "See if he's coming by to hang out with his friend." 596 00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:50,533 She calls me, goes, "Hey, where are you?" 597 00:31:50,617 --> 00:31:51,993 I go, "London." 598 00:31:53,703 --> 00:31:55,997 She goes, "Oh, well, your friend's here." 599 00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:57,582 I go, "Is she hot?" 600 00:31:58,708 --> 00:32:01,002 And my mom goes, [in high-pitched voice] "Eh…" 601 00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:04,047 And I go, "You're under attack!" 602 00:32:04,130 --> 00:32:05,715 [audience laughs] 603 00:32:05,798 --> 00:32:07,926 "Run for your fucking life!" 604 00:32:14,015 --> 00:32:16,726 I go, "Very important. Go to the garage and call the cops." 605 00:32:16,809 --> 00:32:18,645 "But pretend like nothing's wrong, okay?" 606 00:32:18,728 --> 00:32:21,064 Now, I hope none of this ever happens to any of you, 607 00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:24,400 but I did get to hear my mom act on the phone. 608 00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,445 Which is priceless for me. 609 00:32:28,112 --> 00:32:30,531 My mom is always like, "Put me in your stuff." 610 00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:32,951 I was like, "All right, make it to the garage." 611 00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:36,120 You make it-- You make it to the garage, 612 00:32:37,246 --> 00:32:39,248 you get an audition or something, yeah. 613 00:32:42,043 --> 00:32:44,212 My mom goes to the garage, I go, "Call my boy." 614 00:32:44,295 --> 00:32:45,922 Don't know if anybody has a boy like this. 615 00:32:46,005 --> 00:32:47,840 A friend you've been friends with for a decade. 616 00:32:47,924 --> 00:32:51,886 You do drugs almost every day together, then you don't see him for three months, 617 00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:54,555 then the next time you see him, he's just a cop. 618 00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:56,641 [audience laughs] 619 00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:02,105 And you're like, "Tasty?" He's like, "Uh-huh! Officer Tasty now." 620 00:33:02,188 --> 00:33:03,064 You know? 621 00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:06,609 Better change your name in my phone to Officer Tasty. 622 00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:09,278 So Tasty goes over. 623 00:33:09,362 --> 00:33:13,157 I'm on speakerphone now with Tasty, my mom, and my stalker. 624 00:33:13,241 --> 00:33:15,618 Female Terry fled, okay? 625 00:33:15,702 --> 00:33:17,704 [audience laughs] 626 00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:27,296 Tasty goes, "We got her. What do you want me to do?" 627 00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:30,842 I was like, "You're the cop." He goes, "I have her in handcuffs." 628 00:33:30,925 --> 00:33:33,761 I go, "Very good. That's good." 629 00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:36,097 He goes, uh, "She's holding a present." 630 00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:38,725 I go, "Okay." I was like, "Open it." 631 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:43,229 He goes "What?" I go, "Open it." He goes, "Why?" I go, "It's a present." 632 00:33:45,314 --> 00:33:46,357 What do you mean? 633 00:33:47,150 --> 00:33:50,278 She's a stalker. She probably knows me pretty good, you know. 634 00:33:51,237 --> 00:33:53,156 Probably a good gift. I dunno. 635 00:33:53,239 --> 00:33:55,408 I get a lot of shitty gifts. She might-- 636 00:33:55,908 --> 00:34:00,038 He goes, "Bro, it could be a bomb!" I go, "Dude, she can't make a bomb." 637 00:34:00,121 --> 00:34:02,582 "She can't even make a t-shirt. You think she's gonna fucking… 638 00:34:03,332 --> 00:34:05,251 put a bomb together, dude?" 639 00:34:07,211 --> 00:34:08,504 He goes, "All right." 640 00:34:09,756 --> 00:34:11,591 I'm on speakerphone. I just hear this… 641 00:34:11,674 --> 00:34:14,552 [mimics scraping sound] 642 00:34:15,595 --> 00:34:17,930 And then my boy just goes, "Oh!" 643 00:34:18,806 --> 00:34:19,807 "No!" 644 00:34:20,808 --> 00:34:21,893 "Bro!" 645 00:34:22,643 --> 00:34:25,146 "This is disturbing!" 646 00:34:25,980 --> 00:34:28,316 Which is a very big word for Tasty. 647 00:34:28,399 --> 00:34:30,860 He's never pulled the three syllables before. 648 00:34:30,943 --> 00:34:32,612 [audience laughs] 649 00:34:32,695 --> 00:34:33,571 I go, "What is it?" 650 00:34:33,654 --> 00:34:37,658 He goes, "Bro, it's 20 pairs of soiled underwear." 651 00:34:37,742 --> 00:34:39,160 [audience laughs] 652 00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:41,746 Fuck you! No one's ever done that for you. 653 00:34:43,164 --> 00:34:46,918 Don't talk about my girl like that. Only I can. 654 00:34:48,127 --> 00:34:51,339 You wish your girl gave you 20 pairs of dookie drawers. 655 00:34:52,423 --> 00:34:54,217 Yeah. It's fucking thoughtful. 656 00:34:54,300 --> 00:34:56,844 I called my girl, like, "You gotta step it up!" 657 00:34:57,762 --> 00:34:59,764 "You never even met female Terry." 658 00:34:59,847 --> 00:35:01,849 [audience laughs] 659 00:35:03,893 --> 00:35:07,230 Twenty pairs? Yes, it's gross, but it's thoughtful. 660 00:35:07,313 --> 00:35:08,815 One pair is gross. 661 00:35:09,315 --> 00:35:11,734 One pair is a hit. That's a fuck you. 662 00:35:11,818 --> 00:35:16,280 "Here's my shit." You know what I mean? Twenty pairs is a crime of passion. 663 00:35:16,364 --> 00:35:18,699 [audience laughs] 664 00:35:18,783 --> 00:35:21,369 Yeah, it's crazy, but then again so is love. 665 00:35:22,328 --> 00:35:24,664 I have Crohn's. Maybe she was trying to communicate 666 00:35:24,747 --> 00:35:26,958 through some weird fecal matter thing. 667 00:35:27,041 --> 00:35:28,835 I don't know, she's bonkers. 668 00:35:30,044 --> 00:35:32,213 Twenty pairs? That's thoughtful. 669 00:35:32,296 --> 00:35:33,548 That takes time. 670 00:35:34,882 --> 00:35:38,177 You can't knock out 20 pairs of doody drawers in one day. 671 00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:42,181 Even if you had diarrhea, by the 11th pair, it'd be a little light. 672 00:35:42,265 --> 00:35:44,809 [audience laughs] 673 00:35:44,892 --> 00:35:48,521 I like to think it was a day at a time. I do, every night. 674 00:35:48,604 --> 00:35:50,106 I like to think about it. 675 00:35:50,940 --> 00:35:52,358 I like to picture, you know? 676 00:35:52,441 --> 00:35:54,277 She comes home from a long day 677 00:35:54,777 --> 00:35:57,822 of eating Hot Pockets on an Acer computer, right? 678 00:36:00,283 --> 00:36:02,326 She runs upstairs, you know. 679 00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:06,247 She starts undressing, you know, 680 00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:09,584 in front of the wall of Pete. 681 00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:17,967 It's all posters of me, but she don't know how to make posters, so I'm all just… 682 00:36:18,050 --> 00:36:19,510 [audience laughs] 683 00:36:19,594 --> 00:36:20,511 …everywhere. 684 00:36:24,724 --> 00:36:26,934 She puts on a sexy song. Well, sexy to her. 685 00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:29,562 So like "Mambo No. 5" or some shit. 686 00:36:29,645 --> 00:36:31,063 [chuckles] 687 00:36:32,523 --> 00:36:35,276 She starts the séance, lights a candle, 688 00:36:35,359 --> 00:36:38,070 blows it out with a fart, you know, gets it going. 689 00:36:42,325 --> 00:36:43,910 She looks up at me. 690 00:36:43,993 --> 00:36:45,870 I'm looking at her somewhere. 691 00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:49,498 And she plants 'em. 692 00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:55,254 ♪ One, two, three-four-five ♪ 693 00:36:55,338 --> 00:36:58,758 -[audience laughs] -[hums Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5"] 694 00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:02,303 [makes a loud farting noise] 695 00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:05,139 ♪ …gin and juice But I really don't wanna… ♪ 696 00:37:05,223 --> 00:37:10,811 [makes loud farting noises] 697 00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:16,025 She fucking gives a noogie, gets a good fucking… 698 00:37:18,694 --> 00:37:22,365 And then she fucking, "Kobe!" Right into a little box for me. 699 00:37:22,448 --> 00:37:23,866 She goes, "Oooh!" 700 00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:29,872 [in high-pitched voice] "Nineteen to go, poopy surprise for Petey! Woo-hoo!" 701 00:37:31,457 --> 00:37:34,710 It's my fantasy, and I'll jerk off to it if I want to! 702 00:37:34,794 --> 00:37:36,796 [audience laughs] 703 00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:41,676 Tasty goes, "What do you want me to do?" I go, "Get rid of her!" 704 00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:43,594 "Keep one of those pairs." Sorry. 705 00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:50,685 So now I got to get a restraining order, so that means I have to go to court. 706 00:37:51,519 --> 00:37:55,648 Tell a bunch of, you know, officials I'm afraid of this lady. 707 00:37:58,609 --> 00:38:01,362 So I'm at court, about to go in, 708 00:38:02,071 --> 00:38:03,781 Tasty comes back to me. 709 00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:06,450 He goes, "I just spoke to your girlfriend." 710 00:38:06,534 --> 00:38:07,618 I go, "Fuck you!" 711 00:38:07,702 --> 00:38:10,246 You know? "What did she say?" You know? 712 00:38:10,329 --> 00:38:12,290 [audience laughs] 713 00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:17,545 He goes, "She's not going to be able to be here today." 714 00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:19,255 "She's going to be on the iPad." 715 00:38:19,338 --> 00:38:22,258 And I go, "What the fuck? What do you mean she won't be here?" 716 00:38:22,341 --> 00:38:24,802 She's a stalker, her job is to show up. 717 00:38:24,885 --> 00:38:26,012 What do you mean? 718 00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:29,807 Is she trying to get in my head or something? 719 00:38:30,308 --> 00:38:31,475 'Cause it's working. 720 00:38:33,019 --> 00:38:34,520 It's-- I'm a little sad. 721 00:38:35,604 --> 00:38:39,608 You know, 'cause that-- that dookie surprise was thoughtful. 722 00:38:39,692 --> 00:38:41,819 Though gross, you know. 723 00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:45,114 So I was a little excited to see her, a little bit, you know. 724 00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:49,577 I didn't try to look hot or anything, but I picked an outfit. You know, yeah. 725 00:38:50,077 --> 00:38:51,495 Hell yeah! You know? 726 00:38:51,579 --> 00:38:53,748 An outfit that said, like, "Hey." 727 00:38:54,457 --> 00:38:55,875 "Don't give up." You know? 728 00:38:55,958 --> 00:38:57,710 [audience laughs] 729 00:38:57,793 --> 00:38:59,962 "Some things are worth fighting for." 730 00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,466 Restraining order, shmestraining shorder. 731 00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:10,723 I go, "What happened, Tasty?" 732 00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,975 "What happened to my girl?" 733 00:39:13,642 --> 00:39:18,647 He goes, "Bro, she was deemed unfit to stand trial." 734 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:24,028 Deemed unfit to stand up at a trial. 735 00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:26,197 That means a bunch of medical professionals 736 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:28,157 and officers of the law saw her 737 00:39:28,240 --> 00:39:29,533 and were like, "No." 738 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,164 I immediately felt insulted. 739 00:39:36,749 --> 00:39:40,378 It's a little fucked up and embarrassing for me, don't you think? 740 00:39:41,170 --> 00:39:42,546 "Deemed unfit"? 741 00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,841 I don't think you understand how insane that is. 742 00:39:46,342 --> 00:39:49,512 Let me put it in perspective for you. Jeffrey Dahmer 743 00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:52,598 was deemed fit… 744 00:39:52,681 --> 00:39:54,016 [audience laughs] 745 00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:56,310 …to stand trial. 746 00:39:56,394 --> 00:39:59,563 A guy who murdered and ate gay people. 747 00:40:00,439 --> 00:40:03,401 One chick is into me, off to the nuthouse! 748 00:40:03,484 --> 00:40:04,443 [audience laughs] 749 00:40:04,527 --> 00:40:07,863 Are you fucking kidding me? That's ridiculous. 750 00:40:08,614 --> 00:40:11,867 Killing and eating gays and poopy pants aren't the same! 751 00:40:15,538 --> 00:40:17,998 First time in my life I was like, "I gotta vote!" 752 00:40:18,082 --> 00:40:20,167 [audience laughs] 753 00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:21,794 "System is corrupt." 754 00:40:30,052 --> 00:40:33,973 Tasty goes, "There's one more thing. She said you guys had been communicating." 755 00:40:34,056 --> 00:40:35,474 I go, "Dude, I swear--" 756 00:40:35,558 --> 00:40:38,102 He goes, "Telepathically." I was like, "Whew!" 757 00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:41,355 [exhales] Thought they found my burner. 758 00:40:43,607 --> 00:40:45,860 He goes, "Telepathically, you know." 759 00:40:45,943 --> 00:40:49,572 "She said that you actually told her to come over with your mind." 760 00:40:49,655 --> 00:40:51,657 I go, "Whoa, that's fucked up." 761 00:40:51,740 --> 00:40:54,910 And then he left, and I was alone, and I was a little sad, 762 00:40:54,994 --> 00:40:56,662 and I was in my cool outfit. 763 00:40:57,663 --> 00:41:00,541 I just had a moment of honesty, and I was just like… 764 00:41:02,751 --> 00:41:03,627 "Hello." 765 00:41:03,711 --> 00:41:06,005 [audience laughs] 766 00:41:08,132 --> 00:41:10,050 "I miss you." [chuckles] 767 00:41:12,052 --> 00:41:15,264 "You weren't supposed to tell anybody that we could do this." 768 00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,560 "Also you were supposed to kill Terry and my mom 769 00:41:20,311 --> 00:41:21,687 so we get the house." 770 00:41:24,106 --> 00:41:26,233 "I got your panties in my pocket." 771 00:41:28,027 --> 00:41:30,779 "Ziploc'ed to preserve the stench." 772 00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:32,364 [laughs] 773 00:41:37,369 --> 00:41:40,748 So I go to trial, I win, you know, which is nice. 774 00:41:40,831 --> 00:41:42,082 I never win in life. 775 00:41:42,166 --> 00:41:43,209 [chuckles] 776 00:41:44,627 --> 00:41:48,506 Judge comes up to me, and he goes, "She fits the requirements for prison." 777 00:41:48,589 --> 00:41:51,258 I go, "What?" He goes, "Do you want to send her to prison?" 778 00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:54,011 I go, "No, I just want her off my lawn." 779 00:41:54,094 --> 00:41:57,765 Like Gran Torino, you know? "Get off my lawn!" [mumbles] 780 00:41:57,848 --> 00:42:01,227 But no big deal. Just… restraining order, you know? 781 00:42:01,310 --> 00:42:04,438 But restrain her to the upper deck, so she can still pay for shit. 782 00:42:04,522 --> 00:42:06,232 You know what I mean? Come to shows. 783 00:42:06,732 --> 00:42:08,817 He goes, "You don't want her arrested?" I go, "No." 784 00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:12,029 He goes, "That's very noble of you." I went, "Thank you, sir." 785 00:42:15,241 --> 00:42:17,409 And then he goes, "We will do plan B then." 786 00:42:17,493 --> 00:42:19,745 And he just smacks the hammer, and everybody's-- 787 00:42:19,828 --> 00:42:22,748 I was like, "Whoa, wait. What's plan B?" 788 00:42:22,831 --> 00:42:23,874 He goes, "It's nothing." 789 00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:26,126 "We're gonna sentence her to like six months, 790 00:42:26,210 --> 00:42:27,628 in a mental rehab facility." 791 00:42:27,711 --> 00:42:29,797 I was like, "What? That's not safe." 792 00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,174 "That's like the one place I'd bump into her." 793 00:42:32,258 --> 00:42:34,760 [audience laughs] 794 00:42:34,843 --> 00:42:37,972 Might as well sentence her to Dave & Buster's while you're at it. 795 00:42:40,724 --> 00:42:42,768 Rehab's like Cheers for me. 796 00:42:43,561 --> 00:42:45,646 It's where everybody knows my name. 797 00:42:50,943 --> 00:42:53,237 A month went by, I got the restraining order. 798 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:55,990 Didn't really hit me till the first time I pulled up to my house, 799 00:42:56,073 --> 00:42:57,324 and no one was there. 800 00:42:58,200 --> 00:42:59,285 And I went, "Oh." 801 00:43:01,912 --> 00:43:06,166 I was reminiscing with my mom. I was like, "Remember she'd be out there." 802 00:43:07,918 --> 00:43:09,128 "Remember?" 803 00:43:09,211 --> 00:43:11,880 "Remember for Christmas once, she sent us all those cookies, 804 00:43:11,964 --> 00:43:14,008 and we made female Terry eat them first… 805 00:43:14,091 --> 00:43:15,467 [audience laughs] 806 00:43:15,551 --> 00:43:17,052 …to make sure they were good?" 807 00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:22,641 So I started missing her a little bit, you know. 808 00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:26,395 So once in a while, I'd be like, "Hello. Where are you?" 809 00:43:27,104 --> 00:43:29,231 And she wasn't receiving my signals. 810 00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:34,653 So I made a finsta, and I started stalking her a little bit. 811 00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:37,448 I found her. 812 00:43:38,574 --> 00:43:39,575 She's doing well. 813 00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:43,954 Seems to be for the best. 814 00:43:45,497 --> 00:43:47,374 You know, and I was scrolling through. 815 00:43:47,458 --> 00:43:51,253 You know, 'cause she's a stalker, you don't just stop stalking, right? 816 00:43:51,337 --> 00:43:53,631 You pick someone else, I assume, right? 817 00:43:54,548 --> 00:43:56,216 I was going through her Instagram, 818 00:43:56,300 --> 00:43:59,803 and I found out she's a Jack Harlow fan now. 819 00:44:01,138 --> 00:44:04,058 And I like Jack, but that, that fucking hurt. 820 00:44:04,141 --> 00:44:06,226 That's a fucking kick in the dick. 821 00:44:06,810 --> 00:44:09,730 I was like, "If you become a Matt Rife fan, I'll kill myself." 822 00:44:09,813 --> 00:44:10,773 I swear to God. 823 00:44:10,856 --> 00:44:12,858 [audience laughs] 824 00:44:14,276 --> 00:44:16,904 So I was watching it, I came across this video 825 00:44:16,987 --> 00:44:20,991 of her outside of a Jack Harlow show. Okay? 826 00:44:21,575 --> 00:44:24,370 And, uh, Jack Harlow comes out and she-- 827 00:44:24,453 --> 00:44:28,207 I see her, I zoom in, and she's wearing a Jack Harlow T-shirt. 828 00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:33,128 I guess she figured out how to do it 'cause he looked good in the photo. 829 00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:35,005 And I was like, "Oh…" 830 00:44:35,714 --> 00:44:37,508 "Oh. I was just practice." 831 00:44:41,637 --> 00:44:43,639 Jack comes out, she goes, "I love you, Jack!" 832 00:44:43,722 --> 00:44:44,640 I went… [exhales] 833 00:44:46,433 --> 00:44:49,770 Even worse, Jack goes, "Hey, I love you, too." Says her name. 834 00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:50,854 I went, "Oh…" 835 00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:53,440 "I bet that meant so much to her." [exhales] 836 00:44:54,733 --> 00:44:56,652 I was calling her "the thing". 837 00:44:56,735 --> 00:44:58,654 [audience laughs] 838 00:44:59,530 --> 00:45:01,031 I didn't know. I didn't know. 839 00:45:03,617 --> 00:45:06,203 Feel like I'm gonna throw up, watching this. 840 00:45:06,704 --> 00:45:09,039 Jack's about to get in his vehicle to leave. 841 00:45:09,123 --> 00:45:11,500 She goes, "Hold on, Jack, I got a present for you." 842 00:45:11,583 --> 00:45:13,001 I was like, "Oh, my God." 843 00:45:13,752 --> 00:45:14,837 [chuckles] 844 00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:18,632 Got my-- Guys, I felt like I was about to watch my girlfriend 845 00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:22,594 get fucked by my best friend. I was like, "No! No!" 846 00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,431 She goes into her backpack. 847 00:45:25,514 --> 00:45:29,143 And her arm gets deeper and deeper. I was like, "No, oh my God. What is it?" 848 00:45:30,686 --> 00:45:32,896 And then she pulls out an envelope. 849 00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:36,275 Hands it to Jack, goes, "I made that for you." 850 00:45:36,358 --> 00:45:39,236 He goes, "Thanks so much." Puts it in his jacket, drives off, 851 00:45:39,319 --> 00:45:41,071 video over, I log out. 852 00:45:42,489 --> 00:45:44,324 I start smiling to myself. 853 00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:48,370 Just an envelope, huh? 854 00:45:48,454 --> 00:45:50,247 [audience laughs] 855 00:45:50,330 --> 00:45:51,331 Ha! 856 00:45:52,332 --> 00:45:54,752 You can't fit 20 pairs of dookie drawers 857 00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:57,004 in an envelope! 858 00:46:00,424 --> 00:46:02,342 Couple of legal disclaimers. 859 00:46:03,844 --> 00:46:08,265 So, she actually didn't send me 20 pairs of underwear. 860 00:46:08,348 --> 00:46:11,101 She sent me two, but it smelled like 20, okay? 861 00:46:12,686 --> 00:46:14,980 She also did not become a Jack Harlow fan. 862 00:46:15,063 --> 00:46:17,065 I just made that up for hilarity. 863 00:46:17,816 --> 00:46:21,570 And three, and this is the most important, I did fuck her brains out. 864 00:46:21,653 --> 00:46:23,197 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 865 00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:25,824 I'm just kidding. I just ate her box. That's it. 866 00:46:28,535 --> 00:46:31,622 I got super freaked out 'cause my address got out. 867 00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:36,376 So, I… I bought-- I moved to the woods. 868 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,629 [audience chuckles] 869 00:46:38,712 --> 00:46:39,546 It's awesome. 870 00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:42,090 Um, I was looking for a house for a really long time, 871 00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:45,552 and my realtor really did not like me because-- 872 00:46:45,636 --> 00:46:48,972 At first, she was excited. She was like, "You're my first, you know…" 873 00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:50,432 I was like, "Okay." 874 00:46:52,226 --> 00:46:53,268 You know. 875 00:46:53,352 --> 00:46:55,562 But she'd get annoyed because I saw like-- 876 00:46:55,646 --> 00:46:57,606 This is not a joke, I saw, like, 200 houses. 877 00:46:57,689 --> 00:47:02,444 Eh, I wanted every one. I would cocktease… I'd be like, "This is gonna be it." 878 00:47:02,528 --> 00:47:05,781 And then, you know… 'Cause I would get excited. 879 00:47:05,864 --> 00:47:07,825 She hated me because it was taking so long, 880 00:47:07,908 --> 00:47:10,661 and I understood, but I'd get excited about every house 881 00:47:10,744 --> 00:47:13,038 'cause I grew up in mostly just apartments. 882 00:47:13,121 --> 00:47:16,333 So every house was crazy to me. 883 00:47:16,416 --> 00:47:19,419 I'd be like, "Oh my God, a backyard. What the fuck?" 884 00:47:20,045 --> 00:47:23,715 "An above ground pool. How'd they get it out the ground? Oh my God." 885 00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:27,469 "This must be one of them Frank Lloyd Wright houses." 886 00:47:30,305 --> 00:47:32,850 I'd get intoxicated by words I never heard before. 887 00:47:32,933 --> 00:47:34,601 She'd be like, "This could be your foyer." 888 00:47:34,685 --> 00:47:38,522 I'd be like, "Fuck yeah, it could. Yeah. Yeah." 889 00:47:39,523 --> 00:47:40,732 "Foyer." You know. 890 00:47:41,525 --> 00:47:43,652 Then there was this one house 891 00:47:43,735 --> 00:47:46,572 that I was like, "I'm going to get this house." 892 00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:48,532 I knew I was going to get it, okay? 893 00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:53,328 I was with my boys and her, and she was really exhausted, 894 00:47:53,412 --> 00:47:56,623 'cause she didn't believe that I was going to pick one. 895 00:47:56,707 --> 00:47:58,292 But I said, "I really love this house." 896 00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:00,294 All that was left to see 897 00:48:00,878 --> 00:48:02,880 eh, was the master bedroom. 898 00:48:02,963 --> 00:48:04,840 Which is now "the primary," okay? 899 00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:09,553 At the time, I did not know it is now called the primary, okay? 900 00:48:09,636 --> 00:48:11,221 I thought it was "master bedroom." 901 00:48:11,305 --> 00:48:14,099 I also didn't know it was called the master bedroom 902 00:48:14,182 --> 00:48:16,435 because of slavery. I did not know that. 903 00:48:16,518 --> 00:48:19,521 I thought it was the master bedroom because, in life, 904 00:48:19,605 --> 00:48:23,775 when you buy a home, you, of course, become a master. 905 00:48:23,859 --> 00:48:25,861 [audience laughs] 906 00:48:26,945 --> 00:48:31,116 People come over, like, "Nice house." You go, "Yeah, I'm a fucking master." 907 00:48:33,493 --> 00:48:36,413 I don't really think of slavery when I'm in houses, know what I mean? 908 00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:37,706 That's all. You know. 909 00:48:37,789 --> 00:48:40,626 I don't go, and I'm like, "Which one's the slave room?" 910 00:48:40,709 --> 00:48:43,128 I'm not, "Show me the slave room!" 911 00:48:44,755 --> 00:48:47,549 So I love this house. I think I'm about to get it. 912 00:48:47,633 --> 00:48:48,717 I decide, like-- 913 00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:51,845 It's been a long time. I'm going to do a bit for my realtor. 914 00:48:51,929 --> 00:48:53,639 Make her laugh, you know. 915 00:48:54,222 --> 00:48:56,808 So there's a coat rack in the living room. 916 00:48:57,476 --> 00:48:59,394 Okay, I grab it, and I go, 917 00:48:59,978 --> 00:49:02,689 "Show me the master bedroom!" 918 00:49:02,773 --> 00:49:04,775 [audience laughs] 919 00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:12,991 I know. 920 00:49:13,825 --> 00:49:16,370 My realtor, who was Black by the way… 921 00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:18,455 [audience laughs] 922 00:49:19,456 --> 00:49:20,374 …is speechless. 923 00:49:20,457 --> 00:49:23,377 She looks like she's trying to tell me something, 924 00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:25,253 probably to stop. 925 00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:27,631 But I'm in full bit mode. 926 00:49:27,714 --> 00:49:30,008 So every time she goes-- 927 00:49:30,092 --> 00:49:33,428 I go, "Don't interrupt the master!" 928 00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:35,806 [audience laughs] 929 00:49:36,473 --> 00:49:38,809 "Show me my master bedroom!" 930 00:49:38,892 --> 00:49:43,063 "The room bigger than all the rooms, for I am the king." 931 00:49:46,566 --> 00:49:49,653 My boys are on the floor dying laughing 'cause they're racist. 932 00:49:49,736 --> 00:49:52,072 So they're having the fucking best time. 933 00:49:54,574 --> 00:49:57,619 Finally, she grabs the coat rack 934 00:49:57,703 --> 00:49:59,037 and goes, "Stop!" 935 00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:04,960 She goes, "You got to stop. I'm trying to tell you it's the primary bedroom." 936 00:50:05,043 --> 00:50:08,213 "It's not the master bedroom. It's because of slavery." 937 00:50:08,296 --> 00:50:10,090 "It's a big deal about that now." 938 00:50:10,757 --> 00:50:11,883 I was like, "Oh." 939 00:50:11,967 --> 00:50:13,969 [audience laughs] 940 00:50:15,220 --> 00:50:18,598 My boys started slowly getting up, like… 941 00:50:21,226 --> 00:50:22,102 You know. 942 00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:25,605 And then she just handed me the coat rack. 943 00:50:27,941 --> 00:50:29,776 And it was quiet and awkward. 944 00:50:30,652 --> 00:50:33,613 I didn't know what to do, but then I was thinking, you know, 945 00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:37,075 if I've learned anything in almost 15 years of comedy, 946 00:50:37,159 --> 00:50:38,702 it's that you commit. 947 00:50:38,785 --> 00:50:40,120 [audience laughs] 948 00:50:40,203 --> 00:50:41,955 To the bit, yes. 949 00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:43,957 Especially, if it's not working. 950 00:50:45,751 --> 00:50:47,085 So that's what I did. 951 00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:49,629 I went, "You didn't let me finish!" 952 00:50:50,589 --> 00:50:52,549 "We are all masters 953 00:50:53,258 --> 00:50:55,927 of our own rooms. It's a figure of speech." 954 00:50:57,429 --> 00:51:00,724 "Getting rid of slavery would have been my first decree." 955 00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:07,522 "Upon further review, I will take this house!" 956 00:51:09,399 --> 00:51:11,443 "If you sign this NDA." 957 00:51:11,526 --> 00:51:13,528 [audience laughs] 958 00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:17,449 "Perhaps in the primary foyer." 959 00:51:17,532 --> 00:51:19,409 [audience laughs] 960 00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:24,414 So I live in the woods. 961 00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:26,124 [audience laughs] 962 00:51:32,839 --> 00:51:35,342 My mom made a fake Twitter account 963 00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:38,386 to defend me from trolls. 964 00:51:38,470 --> 00:51:39,304 [audience] Aww! 965 00:51:39,387 --> 00:51:41,389 "Aw." It's always "aw" when it's not your mom. 966 00:51:41,473 --> 00:51:44,684 You ever realize that? When it's someone else's mom, "Aw." 967 00:51:44,768 --> 00:51:47,020 When it's your mom, you're like, "Fuck you!" 968 00:51:49,689 --> 00:51:52,526 So she made this fake Twitter account to defend me online 969 00:51:52,609 --> 00:51:54,402 a couple years ago, okay? 970 00:51:54,486 --> 00:51:58,031 The username was JoeSmith1355, right? 971 00:51:58,115 --> 00:52:00,242 That's very smart. That is not her name. 972 00:52:01,868 --> 00:52:04,162 But she's a mom and doesn't know how Twitter works. 973 00:52:04,246 --> 00:52:08,041 So the username might have been JoeSmith1355, 974 00:52:08,125 --> 00:52:10,669 but the profile name was Amy Davidson. 975 00:52:10,752 --> 00:52:12,754 [audience laughs] 976 00:52:15,966 --> 00:52:19,803 Icing on top, profile picture also Amy Davidson. Yes. 977 00:52:19,886 --> 00:52:22,139 [audience laughs] 978 00:52:24,015 --> 00:52:26,726 So I'm reading hate tweets one night while I masturbate 979 00:52:26,810 --> 00:52:28,311 to make myself stronger. 980 00:52:28,395 --> 00:52:29,688 [audience laughs] 981 00:52:29,771 --> 00:52:32,107 And I was scrolling through, 982 00:52:32,691 --> 00:52:35,569 and I see this one account defending me left and right. 983 00:52:35,652 --> 00:52:38,155 Back in the day, when you used Twitter on Safari, 984 00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:40,907 you didn't see the profile name or picture, just the username. 985 00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:44,578 So I'm reading all these tweets, and people are being very mean. 986 00:52:44,661 --> 00:52:46,955 But JoeSmith1355, defending me left and right. 987 00:52:47,539 --> 00:52:51,459 I was reading all these nice tweets about me, JoeSmith1355. 988 00:52:51,543 --> 00:52:54,337 It was to the point, I was like, "This is why I do this." 989 00:52:54,838 --> 00:52:57,424 "Thank you, JoeSmith1355." 990 00:52:58,842 --> 00:53:00,844 You know? I was reading all these tweets, 991 00:53:00,927 --> 00:53:03,513 and then there was one tweet that was too specific, 992 00:53:04,014 --> 00:53:06,433 and I literally said out loud, "This is my mom." 993 00:53:06,516 --> 00:53:08,351 [audience laughs] 994 00:53:09,227 --> 00:53:11,813 Which is a weird thing to say mid-jerk. 995 00:53:11,897 --> 00:53:13,523 [audience laughs] 996 00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:17,527 And then have to finish after that? "After this, I am going to call her." 997 00:53:21,156 --> 00:53:22,908 I knew right away. This was the tweet. 998 00:53:22,991 --> 00:53:26,244 The hate tweet was, "Pete Davidson is gay." 999 00:53:27,996 --> 00:53:30,832 JoeSmith1355 writes, 1000 00:53:30,916 --> 00:53:32,959 "Actually, he's not." 1001 00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:38,256 "He may have thought he was gay as a child 1002 00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:40,759 because of Leonardo DiCaprio." 1003 00:53:41,718 --> 00:53:43,637 "Take a nap, hater." 1004 00:53:43,720 --> 00:53:45,513 [audience laughs] 1005 00:53:45,597 --> 00:53:46,765 I call my mom. 1006 00:53:46,848 --> 00:53:48,308 I go, "Joe Smith… 1007 00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:51,269 1355?" 1008 00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:53,897 She goes, "What gave it away?" 1009 00:53:53,980 --> 00:53:55,440 [audience laughs] 1010 00:53:55,523 --> 00:53:59,778 I go, "Your profile name and picture are of you." 1011 00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:02,614 And she goes, "Oh! Terry!" 1012 00:54:02,697 --> 00:54:04,658 [audience laughs] 1013 00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:08,078 Which means my mom made a Twitter account 1014 00:54:08,161 --> 00:54:11,164 with her 79-year-old female friend Terry, 1015 00:54:11,248 --> 00:54:13,959 and Terry was calling the shots. 1016 00:54:14,876 --> 00:54:17,003 Guys, thank you so much. That's been a lot of fun. 1017 00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:18,088 [audience cheering] 1018 00:54:18,171 --> 00:54:20,090 Have a good night. All right! 1019 00:54:20,173 --> 00:54:23,510 [cheering and applause] 1020 00:54:24,511 --> 00:54:26,930 ♪ In my hood, I was the baby boy like Lil Jody ♪ 1021 00:54:27,013 --> 00:54:29,391 ♪ Bossed up Now I tell 'em when to go like I'm E-40 ♪ 1022 00:54:29,474 --> 00:54:31,977 ♪ 2019 I spent half the checks I got on codeine ♪ 1023 00:54:32,060 --> 00:54:34,354 ♪ Now I got superpowers Look at how high I be floating ♪ 1024 00:54:34,437 --> 00:54:37,065 ♪ I don't ever play no games But I'm always loading ♪ 1025 00:54:37,148 --> 00:54:39,526 ♪ I got a sweet tooth So I dip my car in candy coating ♪ 1026 00:54:39,609 --> 00:54:42,112 ♪ Kia boy When I was 13 what I drove a stolen ♪ 1027 00:54:42,195 --> 00:54:44,447 ♪ My 28th birthday My homie Pete bought me a Rollie ♪ 1028 00:54:44,531 --> 00:54:47,284 ♪ All these rappers corny Why when it was really beef ♪ 1029 00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:49,786 ♪ Way you act don't match The way you talking on your story ♪ 1030 00:54:49,869 --> 00:54:52,163 ♪ We got footage from the hotel 'Cause my dawg recorded ♪ 1031 00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:54,541 ♪ Put him to sleep Turn the audio up you hear him snoring ♪ 1032 00:54:54,624 --> 00:54:57,252 ♪ I'm from Cleveland But we on bullshit like Michael Jordan ♪ 1033 00:54:57,335 --> 00:54:59,754 ♪ They protect me at all costs 'Cause what I do important ♪ 1034 00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:02,257 ♪ Don't wake the beast inside of me up He been laying dormant ♪ 1035 00:55:02,340 --> 00:55:04,676 ♪ 2012 I lost two million fuckin' up a doorman ♪ 1036 00:55:04,759 --> 00:55:07,387 ♪ Skinny tatted tall white boy Rock and rollin' ♪ 1037 00:55:07,470 --> 00:55:10,015 ♪ I killed a lot of rappers I don't respect law and order ♪ 1038 00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:12,392 ♪ Open that backpack like I'm Dora Pull up in Explorers ♪ 1039 00:55:12,475 --> 00:55:14,894 ♪ Switched out, pull up in that Aston Blew the fucking motor ♪ 1040 00:55:14,978 --> 00:55:17,731 ♪ Four leaves in the blunt I'm ashin', I'm smokin' a clover ♪ 1041 00:55:17,814 --> 00:55:20,025 ♪ Seven figures if they booking me Tell the promoters ♪ 1042 00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:22,485 ♪ Walking out with bags It look like I just came for Krogers ♪ 1043 00:55:22,569 --> 00:55:25,030 ♪ Truth is I fucked your mom You'll find out when you're older ♪ 1044 00:55:25,113 --> 00:55:27,324 ♪ Can't stop won't start always rolling ♪ 1045 00:55:27,407 --> 00:55:29,659 ♪ Got to keep it on me So I don't get lonely ♪ 1046 00:55:29,743 --> 00:55:32,203 ♪ We the new mob and I feel like Tony ♪ 1047 00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:35,081 ♪ Rep it for the team, 24 like Kobe ♪ 1048 00:55:35,165 --> 00:55:37,292 ♪ Why you mad? (Why) Get your man (Get him) ♪ 1049 00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:39,502 ♪ We gon' light his ass up like a candle ♪ 1050 00:55:39,586 --> 00:55:42,088 ♪ What's the plan? (Yeah) ♪ ♪ What you saying? (What?) ♪ 1051 00:55:42,172 --> 00:55:45,008 ♪ Shake it 'til your cheeks spread And show your asshole, yeah ♪ 1052 00:55:45,091 --> 00:55:47,844 ♪ All we gotta do is pull up We gon' have all the bitches ♪ 1053 00:55:47,927 --> 00:55:50,430 ♪ All you gotta do is say, "It's up" You gon' have our attention ♪ 1054 00:55:50,513 --> 00:55:54,100 ♪ Don't be that so I don't kick it, 'Less it's 'bout some business… ♪ 81767

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