All language subtitles for Workaholics s05e03 Speedo Racer.eng

Hey, guys, come on.

[Panting]

We need a doctor!

We need a doctor!

Stay with us, man.

Oh, dude, this would suck
so bad if you died.

The Ders!
He's unleashed The Ders!

Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com

Any minute.

Man, I swear I saw
three out here yesterday.

No way.

- Must have been a family.
- Or a gang.

Squirrel gangs are a real thing.

No, it's true.

I saw a squirrel get busted
into a squirrel gang.

- Jumped in, sure.
- Maybe he's getting jumped out.

- They do both.
- That's true.

Hey, do your squirrel call.
Let's get some action.

Oh yeah, here you go.

[High-pitched whinnying]

Here you go.

Put it in the box.

Thank you, sir.
I'll check it.

- Looks like we're getting full.
- Oh, my God.

- You see those mailman calves?
- I hate that man.

He comes over here.
"Here, take the mail."

It's your job
to put it in the box, man.

- Oh, hey, big naturals.
- Nice.

You like that.
Automo-bills.

Ders!
Hey, check it out.

You've got mail from Crank Yankers.

I wonder if I'm still banned
in all AOL chatrooms.

Chuck it, man.
I don't need it.

What are you talking about?
You didn't even open it, man.

Could be a signed set photo
from booty call.

Jamie Foxx?
Didn't you ask him for one?

Yes, I did,
but that's not what it is.

Hey, man, come on!
Don't open that!

Ooh, Irvine Central
High School Alumni Swim Meet.

See, I knew
it'd be something you like.

I'm not going, and I never will.

Whoa, attitude.

Dude!
Why aren't we going to a place?

I'm not going because the guy
who runs the event, Troy Torpey,

got me voted off the state
relay team in high school.

Okay, that doesn't seem right.
How could he do that?

He told everyone on the team
that I got a boner

in the showers in the locker
room, which isn't true.

So what?
You got a boner in the shower.

- No, I didn't!
- I get boners all the time.

I actually have one right now.

Peeping this hog.

This monster.

Peep this hog.

You actually can't see it
right now because it's so small.

Anyways, dude, it's all good.

This is your chance to go back

and show all those pricks
from high school

what an awesome dude
you've become, man.

Jocks, they peak
in high school, all right?

But nerds, they become Skrillex.

Hey, guys, I was kidding,
I've got a huge one.

Like, I wasn't in either
of those groups in high school.

- I...
- me either.

- I, like, did my own thing.
- Right, exactly.

You just sit in the corner.
You watch them.

You study them.
You learn how to laugh on cue.

[Forced laughter]

Yes!

We would have been
best friends in high school.

Best friends!
Believe it!

[Laughter]

We would have been
best friends in high school.

- Sorry, Blake.
- I don't care.

- Yeah, you do.
- No. No, no.

No, it's not a problem.

I mean, I hung out
with a bevy of ladies at lunch.

- The lunch ladies, right?
- Oh, well, you know.

We would just kind
of hang out in the cafeteria...

'cause they were lunch ladies.

We would just sling taco boats...

no, we know the story
of the lunch ladies.

No, but they had the stories, okay?

- These girls had jokes!
- The lunch ladies.

Yes, I worked in the cafeteria.

They were lunch friends to me.

Ders, we are going
to that dumb, stupid,

horrible-sounding swim thing,

and you are gonna go up to torpey,

and you're gonna say, "we're not
in high school anymore,"

and you're gonna prove to him

that you are the freaking
top dog of them all, besides me.

All right, okay.
Let's do it.

- I'm gonna go pack my speedos.
- All right!

Wait, wait, wait, whoa!

We were watching squirrels, though.

Yes, we were.
I'm sorry, I just...

back to the squirrels again.

Both:
Back to the squirrels again

This is about to be so cool.

I'm so pumped, dude.
Ders is gonna kill it.

Yeah, I'm excited.

Hey, do you remember
how we used to always

crank it to Ders' old yearbooks?

Yeah, absolutely.
Hottest high school ever.

The hottest!

Yeah, I was always into Aurora Brown,

and then I got into Laura Rocca
for a while,

but now I found this new chick,

this banging black chick
on Ders' swim team,

that I've been peeping,

and I've really been building
something very special with her.

It's, like, more than masturbation.

It's, like, deeper.

So, like, you don't even
masturbate to her?

No, I do, but it's, like, deeper.

I get it, man.

I mean, that whole swim team
is stacked, dude.

They're a good-looking crew.

Yeah, there's, like, that
Asa Akira-looking Asian chick?

- Mama!
- Ooh!

- She's got my jeans steaming.
- Oh, I freaking...

I love chicks.

All these chicks are about
to be at this party today, man!

They're definitely
gonna be there today.

That's why I'm so freaking
psyched and pumped.

Guys, I'm gonna ship out,
so wish me luck.

Actually, we were gonna
go with, if it's cool.

All right, cool!

- All right!
- Yes!

All right, cool.

I actually feel I need to change.

I feel like
I'm a little underdressed.

Yeah, me, too.

You got to have the perfect outfit

for these type of occasions.

Ders, are you ready to...

hiyah!

This torpey dude or what?

- You know it, man.
- Sick, man.

Oh, wait up, before we go in there,

just keep an eye on me and Adam,

'cause we're not
the strongest swimmers.

- I'm very drown-able.
- Okay.

And, you know, the deep end,

it just will scare
the chum out of me,

- if you know what I mean.
- Semen.

No, 'rhea.

Oh, when I get really scared,
I secrete semen.

- It's true.
- You'll be fine, okay?

If you fall in, just don't panic,

and remember...
here, I'll just... quick lesson:

"Hov," right,
to "hanging with Mr. Cooper,"

and then up
for an "Asian girl laughing."

Oh, yeah, I know about that.

- Hov!
- Hov!

Hanging with Mr. Cooper.
Asian girl laughing.

Hov.
Hanging with Mr. Cooper.

Asian girl laughing.

Oh, ay, chihuahua.
She-Hulk's got a ride.

Oh, my God, you guys,

it's my dream girl from high school.

- What?
- Magda Marzuski!

- Nice escalade.
- Oh, thanks.

Actually, it's Magda Torpey now.

What?

Anders Boner-vik.

- Look at you.
- Oh.

Troy Torpey-nis.

- Tor-penis?
- Yeah.

That's funny, dude.

I'm just messing around.
You look good.

Obviously you remember Magda.

Say hello to the little monsters
she bore for me,

Declan and Caleb.

You better believe I got them
in the pool too.

Declan just took down
the last Chas Morton ten

and under N.A.G. record in Orlando.

No kidding.
Orlando, fast pool.

We should race if you're up for it.

All right, Caleb, Declan,
hold your breath.

Start now, exercises.

Two, three, four.

Oh, my God, you guys,
he's still the man.

I can't do this.

Ders, it's fine.

He's just handsome and rich

and banging Magda,
The "Lady Rock" Johnson,

and you have...

Blake, what does Ders have?

Ders, you have lips.

Anyway, just think
about that write-off.

It's a write-off.

Yeah, my life's pretty sweet
these days also.

Chef Ders is cooking up
some tangy treats.

What's that?

You were talking about your life
out there, so I was just gonna...

Oh, right, right.

- So where was I?
- I was...

anyway, so I got sick
of running the hedge fund,

and I met Ryan Lochte
at Golden Goggles.

He's on the board at USA swimming.

- No way.
- So now I'm Lochte's money guy.

- What?
- Making investments.

Chasing sponsorships.

He's the one who came up
with the term "j'yeah!"

What?

Oh, well, hey.

You ever hear "tight butthole"?

I came up with that.

I'm not sure I get it,

but you and buttholes make sense.

[Both laugh]

You are so funny.

Hey, would you mind
grabbing me that drink?

Oh, of course.

God, I wish Magda'd let me do anal.

She says it's unnatural.

No offense to you and your buddies.

I prefer Snatch anyway,
and she can go all night.

"Snatch."

I'm not ashamed to say
I got to pop a couple Viagra

just to keep up.

- Oh, yeah.
- Voila.

Thank you.

Anyway, it was really great
catching up with you, man.

- Cheers.
- Yeah.

All right, you kiddos
ready to go get stretched out?

You gonna win this one?

Oh, there's my girl.

Excuse me.
Miss Cruz?

- Yeah?
- Sorry for being so formal.

It's just an honor to meet you.

I'm friends with one
of the alumni swimmers here,

and I've been admiring
your photo in the yearbook

for quite some time now.

You mean, like,
pictures of me as a kid?

Yeah, and may I say
you still look very young.

In a good way.
You still look very young,

but cutting to the chase,
like a Ginsu,

I was just wondering if maybe
you would like to accompany me

to a Sushi dinner.

I love eating sashimi,

but I would rather eat sashi-you.

Ooh, not really into Sushi.

Thanks, though, and I'm not Japanese,

if that's what you're doing.

Yeah.
No, it was.

Sorry, I blew that.

Oh, hey!
So, Adam, what's up?

This is my girl, Sherry.

- This is my ninja, Adam.
- Your girl?

But this is...

[R&B music]

-
Same girl
-
Same girl

-
The same girl
-
Same girl

-
Same girl
-
Just I can't believe

Break the grip!
Break the grip!

[Shouts]

Okay.

Ow!
Adam, you're hurting me!

Okay?
Not in front of my girl.

Your girl?
More like my girl.

I'm the macaulay culkin
of this situation.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the movie My Girl!

With the little girl,
loves Macaulay Culkin

so much she gets stinged
by a ton of bees and dies.

- I thought he died.
- I don't know!

I haven't seen the movie
in a long time!

It's besides the point, man.

I thought you told me that your
chick was a black girl, dude.

Yeah, and that girl is super black.

She's a super black beauty.

And you said your girl was Asian,

and that is now what she looks like.

- She is... Hey, Sherry?
- Sherry?

What are you?

- Excuse me?
- Your ethnicity.

Yeah, your background.
Like, your genetic buildup.

- Jesus, Filipino.
- Ha, that's Asian!

- That is Asian.
- On my dad's side.

- My mother is black.
- Yes, okay, yeah.

And half-black equals full black,

and that's not my rule;
That's society's rule.

That's why Drake can say
the n-word a million times,

and everyone's like,
"I love this song.

I want to dance to this song.
I want to slow grind to it."

It's because he's Canadian.
That's why he can say it.

It means something different
in their language.

I don't think that is the case.

Look, she's obviously

valuing both of her Filipino
and black heritage equally,

so if anything,
she's a full-bodied Pinot noir.

Okay, I'm offended.

She's not a gross,
alcoholic wine drink for adults.

She is a chocolate-colored
human being,

you racist fuck.

- That was offensive.
- No, I'm offended.

- That was offensive.
- How was that offensive?

Chocolate?

- It's a delicious treat.
- That is true.

Okay, so that wasn't racist.

Sherry, let's go get some Roscoe's!

Okay.

Hey, everybody, I just want
to say a few words real quick

before the meet gets started.

First of all, thank you all
for showing up here today.

I really appreciate
getting everybody back together,

and we've raised a lot of money
for this high school team, so...

- You ready?
- Now I am.

Give yourselves a round of applause.

Thank you, yes.
So fun to see everybody.

It's especially fun to see

our once missing-in-action
Anders Holmvik!

He's back!
He's here, ready to shine!

Let's give it up for The Ders!

- Thanks for coming, Ders.
- Thank you.

Why don't you get up here
and say a few words, Ders?

- Nah.
- Get on up here.

Come on, we want to hear from you.

Our old pal, Ders.
Let's give it up.

- Yeah, get them, Ders!
- Ders, doggy!

- Woof!
- Good to see you again.

Tell us what's on your mind.

Man, just like you said,
good to see everyone,

and let's have some fun,

just like old times, huh?

It will be just like old times,

yeah, 'cause you got a boner!

- You got a boner!
- No, stop it!

Look at that!
Look at that!

I don't have a boner!

- It's not bad, actually.
- Why does this keep happening?

- He's got a decent one.
- It's super hard.

I slipped you some Viagra
in that drink earlier.

I did.
I did.

You've been Torpedoed.

- There he goes.
- Yo!

Where you going
with all our booze, bud?

Maybe we ought to see
if Ders needs some alone time,

'cause I'm gonna stick
right around here.

Hey!
Sherry, what's up?

About that Roscoe's,
I was thinking maybe we'd get

it to go, take it
to where you stay at.

I don't even know you two,

so why would I even consider
going out to dinner

with either of you two idiots?

I already told you.
We know you from the yearbook.

No, I don't.
I swam for another school.

Wow, big deal, all right?

So what?
He knows how to swim.

So do I.
Check it out.

Hov.
Hanging with Mr. Cooper.

Both: Asian girl laughing.

Hov.
Hanging with Mr. Cooper.

That's not a thing.

No, it's a thing.
It's, like, a swim stroke.

Yeah, I mean, Ders taught it
to us, so it's got to be real.

Oh, okay, you're friends of Anders.

I'm not.

Stop lying to her, man.

Just tell her you know her
from the yearbook,

just like me, all right?

Oh, and while you're at it,
why don't you tell her

about your little relationship
with Aurora Brown?

I don't crank it to her
anymore, and you know that.

Okay, since when?

Okay, 'cause I can't get
serious with a sophomore.

That's social suicide.

[Screaming]

- The Ders.
- The Ders.

- I just said that.
- Oh, did you?

I didn't hear you.
The Ders.

Look at all these
shotgun shells, man.

He's been slamming them like
no other human I've ever seen.

Except for me,

but to your point,
I'm not fully human.

My Uncle, he was a zookeeper.

[Shouting]

The Ders!

[Burping]

It should be my name on that banner!

Whoa, hey.
Spiders, man.

Why don't you swoop on
down here, buddy?

Very safely, though, please.

Yeah, why do you worry so much
about banners, dude?

Drake's not rapping about banners.

- You're really into Drake, huh?
- He's, like, a real talent.

I just found out about him,
and he raps about trophies.

[Burping]

I could just put my name
on it, right?

I'll just pull it down

and cross off torpey's name
and make everything all right.

If you do that,
you're gonna destroy yourself,

and actually, that'd be
awesome to watch, so I vote yes.

No, Anders, okay, if you can hear me,

if you're even in there anymore,
just come down, dude.

We can fix this.

I am fixing this.

[Shouting]

[All shouting indistinctly]

I got it!

[Laughs]

- Oh, my God!
- Yes, The Ders!

Yeah.

Yes!

That could have gone way worse.

Don't look down.

'Cause you have an entire trophy

sticking out of your flubber.

Oh, my God!

- What do I do?
- Just relax, dude.

My Uncle Bobby
actually impaled himself

with a fire poker one Christmas.

He had it in there until new year's.

Okay, so leave it in.

- Yeah, he's fine now.
- No, no, he's dead.

They found him dead new year's day,

'cause of the fire poker.

We need a doctor!

We need a doctor.

Stay with us.

The Ders is unleashed!

Stay awake.
Stay awake!

You are heavy, you fat fuck!

Is there a doctor in the house?

Come on, Dersie, we're gonna
take you to the hospital.

That's one way to get a trophy.

What are you doing?

What did you just say?

I said that's one way
to get a trophy, and it is.

I'll kick your ass right now.

At swimming. I will kick
your ass at swimming.

One on one, 50 free.

Oh, God.
I hate these.

No, no, no, no, actually, I love it.

I needed a nap.

I'm very tired.

Zinger.

I think you should
definitely not race

and go immediately to the hospital.

How convenient!

Right after I challenge you,
you tell me to do that.

Not happening, honky.
Bitch.

Okay, let's do this.

Let's do this right now.

- Who's calling this?
- I'll call it, baby.

Put that hammer down.

[Cheers and applause]

On your marks...

- Oh, God.
- Ders?

Is somebody gonna go and save him?

Yes, Adam, he's the swimmer, right?

Go.
Go save him, man.

He's actually dying!

Would you just go
and save your friend?

Fine, I'll be a hero,
save a man's life.

What's new?

No, no, no, actually,
I'm gonna be a hero too,

even though it is the deep end, so...

no!

[Both shouting indistinctly]

- Help!
- It's not working!

Help!

I'll save Holmvik!

[Both shouting]

Oh, my God.

Come on, come on!

Are you guys kidding me?

They're not even drowning!

[Both laugh]

Jerks!

Ders, don't die.

[Coughing]

Get off of me!

Get off of me!

- Hey.
- How are you doing?

- Are you all right?
- What are you guys doing?

You guys got to get him
to a hospital!

Hey, torpey.

I did get a boner that day
in the showers.

- In high school.
- I know.

But I want to know what's up
with you kissing a dude

here today
in front of all these people?

Right, guys?
You see him?

He was kissing Ders.

What's up with that, right?

- He's still got it!
- Huh?

- Yeah.
- He just saved your life, man.

- What?
- Yes, he did.

- Let's get you out of here.
- I just don't remember.

[Both talking at once]

I thought he was kissing me.

Later, Tor-penis.

[All jeering and shouting]

Oh, man, these pain pills
are kicking in right about now.

You got to eat something before, bud.

Sherry Cruz.

Yeah, the one that got away.

She doesn't know
what she's missing, man.

She really doesn't, man.

She missed out on some good guys.

- Yeah!
- Well, whatever.

- Oh, look at Allison fields.
- Oh!

- Oh, my gosh.
- Holy Moley.

- I'm into that.
- I'm calling dibs right now.

You can't do that,
because I'm the one

who actually pointed her out.

- Squirrel, squirrel!
- There's a squirrel!

- A squirrel!
- Oh, no!

I want to see the squirrel!

There's a squirrel right there!

Oh, all right.

What's he doing?
I want to go see it.

Is he eating the hot dog
off my trophy?

- Both: Yeah.
- Yeah!

Oh, it's a little baby girl squirrel!

Oh, look, it's eating it!

Look at its big, bushy tail.

Oh, it's so cute.

It's... Oh, why is it
looking at me like that?

- What is that look in its eyes?
- Oh, Blake.

- It's chasing me, Blake!
- No!

- It's chasing me!
- Adam, drop the hot dog!

[Both shouting]

The gangs are real!

Blake, save him!
Help him!

Oh, they're wearing
matching bandanas!

Oh, my God!

Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com

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