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1
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I'm just going to make a summary
of my findings and conclusions...
2
00:00:03,841 --> 00:00:05,035
(MOBILE RINGING)
3
00:00:05,121 --> 00:00:07,919
...after my work down at the Watford
Immigration and Asylum Centre.
4
00:00:08,001 --> 00:00:10,754
And also, a member of my team
can give you a...
5
00:00:10,841 --> 00:00:13,594
- (MOBILES RINGING)
...a press pack.
6
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,194
The... What's going on?
7
00:00:15,281 --> 00:00:17,078
- They've all just gone.
- Put this on, Peter.
8
00:00:17,161 --> 00:00:20,995
All right, everybody, listen up!
This is it, phase two.
9
00:00:21,081 --> 00:00:23,356
This is the line,
for the next 24 hours, right?
10
00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:25,875
You speak to everyone you know
and you praise him, right?
11
00:00:25,961 --> 00:00:28,521
You praise him like
he's your dead brother, all right?
12
00:00:28,601 --> 00:00:30,956
Nothing else. I just want
to hear praise, praise, praise.
13
00:00:31,481 --> 00:00:33,597
STEWART: What are you wanting, Phil?
14
00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:37,117
Please talk to Phil before I get to...
15
00:00:38,441 --> 00:00:41,114
Zudek, it's Peter.
16
00:00:41,921 --> 00:00:45,436
Will it be possible to get
the hot water on again?
17
00:00:46,601 --> 00:00:49,399
Yes? Ah, that's bloody marvellous.
18
00:00:49,481 --> 00:00:51,278
How big is the bath?
19
00:00:52,561 --> 00:00:55,121
Oh, God, that's not a bath,
it's a yacht.
20
00:00:56,601 --> 00:00:58,273
No, I told you that
towel rail is too big.
21
00:00:58,361 --> 00:01:00,670
A towel rail should not
occupy an entire wall.
22
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:03,639
That's not a towel rail.That's a climbing frame.
23
00:01:03,721 --> 00:01:07,270
I want JB over from Portcullis now!
Someone send a car round for him!
24
00:01:07,361 --> 00:01:10,831
Somebody send a carpet round for him,
but I want JB here now!
25
00:01:10,921 --> 00:01:13,276
- Oh, don't let him play with my...
- EMMA: Don't touch the...
26
00:01:13,361 --> 00:01:15,113
jesus, what have you done?
27
00:01:15,201 --> 00:01:17,396
Phil, I told you not to touch
the television.
28
00:01:17,481 --> 00:01:18,550
You're completely hopeless.
29
00:01:18,641 --> 00:01:19,790
PHIL: I was trying to get the news feed.
30
00:01:19,881 --> 00:01:22,679
Just go and sit down somewhere, Phil.
Try not to touch anything, all right?
31
00:01:22,761 --> 00:01:25,355
- What's the matter with you?
- It's big news.
32
00:01:25,441 --> 00:01:26,920
It's just... I don't know how to react.
33
00:01:27,001 --> 00:01:29,151
- You don't know how to react?
- What do you mean?
34
00:01:29,241 --> 00:01:30,720
Well, it's...
I don't know what I'm supposed...
35
00:01:30,801 --> 00:01:32,996
- Why don't you go make some coffee?
- I'll get some coffee.
36
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:39,917
Oh, great.
37
00:01:40,001 --> 00:01:42,435
Really great.
38
00:01:42,521 --> 00:01:44,079
(MOBILE RINGING)
39
00:01:46,161 --> 00:01:47,753
- Hello?
- Hi, Peter?
40
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:49,035
How's the bathroom?
41
00:01:49,121 --> 00:01:52,318
The taps aren't working out
as well as I'd hoped.
42
00:01:52,801 --> 00:01:54,678
Well, at least you don't go into
your bathroom and find out
43
00:01:54,761 --> 00:01:58,037
a member of another political party's
just done a shit in it.
44
00:01:58,121 --> 00:01:59,554
Yeah, look on the bright side.
45
00:01:59,641 --> 00:02:01,916
- Phil, News 24.
- Yeah, I'm gonna tell him.
46
00:02:02,001 --> 00:02:03,434
- Tell him now.
- I'm gonna tell him in a minute.
47
00:02:03,521 --> 00:02:04,510
Tell me what?
48
00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:06,557
Stewart is keen for you to go
on News 24...
49
00:02:06,641 --> 00:02:08,279
He is - he is going on News 24.
50
00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:10,829
He wants you to go on News 24
and do a bit of "praise him, praise him"
51
00:02:10,921 --> 00:02:12,149
about the PM, yeah, go all Baptist.
52
00:02:12,241 --> 00:02:16,314
Oh, God, no!
Sorry, I really don't want to do that.
53
00:02:16,401 --> 00:02:17,675
No, of course you don't.
No one wants to do that.
54
00:02:17,761 --> 00:02:19,797
- What's he saying?
- It's my phone call.
55
00:02:19,881 --> 00:02:22,236
Put him on loudspeaker.
Oh, give him to me.
56
00:02:22,321 --> 00:02:25,074
- No, I'm talking to him. Please.
- I'm gonna put him on loudspeaker.
57
00:02:25,161 --> 00:02:26,196
Peter, hi, it's Emma.
58
00:02:26,281 --> 00:02:29,717
Now, listen, Stewart says
this really is the strategy.
59
00:02:29,801 --> 00:02:32,031
We're supposed to bethe opposition, for Christ's sake.
60
00:02:32,121 --> 00:02:35,158
In the old days, we wouldn't have
been weeping over his grave,
61
00:02:35,241 --> 00:02:36,276
we'd have been pissing on it.
62
00:02:36,361 --> 00:02:37,350
If we start point-scoring now,
63
00:02:37,441 --> 00:02:39,909
we're just going to look like
opportunist weasels.
64
00:02:40,001 --> 00:02:41,798
Well, weasily done.
65
00:02:42,121 --> 00:02:44,237
- Sorry?
- It's weasily done.
66
00:02:44,921 --> 00:02:46,912
- It's a joke.
- That was a joke?
67
00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:48,957
Tell Stewart I'm not doing it.
68
00:02:49,041 --> 00:02:51,316
Tell him bollocks to it.
Tell him to fuck off.
69
00:02:51,401 --> 00:02:52,675
Tell Stewart to...
70
00:02:52,761 --> 00:02:55,321
Now, Peter, that's not really
a very good idea, is it?
71
00:02:55,401 --> 00:02:57,392
Yeah, yeah, not actually fuck off.
72
00:02:57,481 --> 00:03:01,599
Just make an excuse.Pretty it up, but when you...
73
00:03:01,721 --> 00:03:03,757
When you do tell him,
make sure that he knows
74
00:03:03,841 --> 00:03:06,992
reading between the lines,
that I told you to tell him to fuck off,
75
00:03:07,081 --> 00:03:08,400
but you're prettying it up.
76
00:03:08,481 --> 00:03:11,314
Look, I really need to go
to the toilet right now.
77
00:03:11,401 --> 00:03:13,153
Right, Peter, listen, that's fine.
78
00:03:13,241 --> 00:03:16,153
You go and do that, and we'll just
call you back when you've finished.
79
00:03:16,241 --> 00:03:19,631
No, no, I'll call you.
You won't know when I'm finished.
80
00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:21,598
Okay, well, good luck with it.
81
00:03:21,681 --> 00:03:23,512
Yeah, thanks, Phil.
82
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:25,432
Think of it as a sort of legacy.
83
00:03:25,521 --> 00:03:26,749
PHIL: Logacy.
84
00:03:28,321 --> 00:03:30,630
I was supposed to be making
an announcement this morning
85
00:03:30,721 --> 00:03:32,712
on the failures
in the immigration system,
86
00:03:32,801 --> 00:03:33,995
making a big speech.
87
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:35,878
Yeah, Peter, we were there.
88
00:03:35,961 --> 00:03:38,794
You know, I mean, you were giving
your recipe for spag bol,
89
00:03:38,881 --> 00:03:43,352
and then Gordon Ramsay walks in and
takes us all out for peacock and chips.
90
00:03:43,441 --> 00:03:45,716
Yeah, well, what can I say?
91
00:03:45,801 --> 00:03:49,794
It got the PM so rattled he was forced
to resign before I opened my mouth,
92
00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:53,840
so I thought you might be interested in
an exclusive?
93
00:03:53,921 --> 00:04:00,394
On the massive, and I do mean massive,failure in the system, I mean...
94
00:04:00,481 --> 00:04:02,597
- Line two.
...the databases are simply not...
95
00:04:02,681 --> 00:04:03,830
- Yeah, Peter...
- Who is it?
96
00:04:03,921 --> 00:04:05,036
Peter, hi, sorry, listen,
97
00:04:05,121 --> 00:04:07,760
I'm going to have to pass you on
to one of my top people.
98
00:04:07,841 --> 00:04:09,718
Angela Heaney, I think you know her.
99
00:04:09,801 --> 00:04:12,759
I've just got a picture editor,
I'm working to deadlines here.
100
00:04:12,841 --> 00:04:14,194
Yeah, sure, yeah.
101
00:04:14,281 --> 00:04:16,237
Peter! Peter?
102
00:04:16,921 --> 00:04:18,149
Hi, it's Emma.
103
00:04:18,241 --> 00:04:19,993
- Oh, hi, Emma.
- Oh, sorry. You're on the phone. Sorry.
104
00:04:20,081 --> 00:04:22,993
I thought it was Kate Winslet.
She generally pops round about now.
105
00:04:23,081 --> 00:04:25,356
Peter, hi, it's Angela Heaney.
106
00:04:25,441 --> 00:04:28,592
Hi, look, Angela, can I call you back?
107
00:04:28,681 --> 00:04:30,080
Yeah, fine.
108
00:04:32,161 --> 00:04:33,719
(MOBILE RINGING)
109
00:04:34,081 --> 00:04:36,595
- Hello?
- Ah, Peter. Stewart.
110
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:40,993
Oh, hi, Stewart. A double-whammy.
Emma here and you in my ear.
111
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:43,356
Yeah, can you put me on speaker?
112
00:04:43,441 --> 00:04:45,193
I've no idea.
113
00:04:45,721 --> 00:04:48,554
You're young. Can this go on speaker?
114
00:04:48,641 --> 00:04:50,597
Oh, yes, give it here.
115
00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:52,717
- Stewart? We got him.
- Thanks, Emma.
116
00:04:52,801 --> 00:04:56,510
Peter, we need you to go on News 24,
like Phil asked,
117
00:04:56,601 --> 00:04:58,398
and to say nice things about the PM.
118
00:04:58,481 --> 00:05:02,190
If I'm praising the PM, can I at least
have a go at Tom and the Nutters?
119
00:05:02,281 --> 00:05:06,877
Can I at least subtly suggest they're
waving in a man who pulls himself off
120
00:05:06,961 --> 00:05:09,077
by reading European tax law amendments?
121
00:05:09,161 --> 00:05:10,640
No way! No way!
122
00:05:10,721 --> 00:05:12,996
We do not slag off Tom. We want Tom in.
123
00:05:13,081 --> 00:05:17,438
Tom is our big, fat, socially
dysfunctional swing-voter-repellent,
124
00:05:17,521 --> 00:05:19,000
golden weirdo ticket.
125
00:05:19,081 --> 00:05:22,153
Surely you can understand how this
will work in our favour, Peter?
126
00:05:22,241 --> 00:05:24,516
I mean, they're going to elect a man
who can count his friends
127
00:05:24,601 --> 00:05:27,911
on the fingers of, like...
of my father's right hand.
128
00:05:28,121 --> 00:05:31,238
Dan Miller is thinking of standing.
That's what I'm hearing.
129
00:05:31,321 --> 00:05:34,313
Yeah... Oh, sorry, just a minute.
Just a minute.
130
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,232
Mark! Mark!
131
00:05:36,321 --> 00:05:40,519
When I say I want you to CC JB on
everything to do with these interviews,
132
00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:41,875
I do mean everything,
133
00:05:41,961 --> 00:05:44,191
not just the things that
you think are important.
134
00:05:44,281 --> 00:05:46,237
I'm an extraordinarily
precise man, Mark.
135
00:05:46,321 --> 00:05:47,800
That's why my wife left me.
136
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:51,510
JB doesn't want Dan Miller.
He's too young, and he's too witty,
137
00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:54,479
whereas Tom looks 92, and
he's about as funny as Norman Wisdom.
138
00:05:54,561 --> 00:05:57,871
We slag Tom off once he's elected,but not now, hmm?
139
00:05:58,641 --> 00:06:01,997
Oh, has the conch been passed?
Can I talk now?
140
00:06:02,081 --> 00:06:03,639
You have the talking stick.
141
00:06:03,721 --> 00:06:05,518
- I won't do News 24.
- Peter, you really need to do News 24.
142
00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:08,274
I'll do Radio 4, The World Tonight.
143
00:06:08,361 --> 00:06:11,114
That way, I can stay here
and do it on the end of a phone.
144
00:06:11,201 --> 00:06:13,271
Fine. Emma, give himthe bullet points to hit
145
00:06:13,361 --> 00:06:14,510
and I'll set things up this end.
146
00:06:14,601 --> 00:06:16,637
Will do. Will do, Stewart.
147
00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:19,429
Can we have Phil over, as well?
I like Phil.
148
00:06:19,521 --> 00:06:21,034
What, you don't like me?
149
00:06:21,121 --> 00:06:24,636
Of course I like you.
I like and fear and mistrust you.
150
00:06:26,361 --> 00:06:28,636
Joke.
151
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,200
Kind of.
152
00:06:30,281 --> 00:06:34,354
PETER: While I've disagreed with thePrime Minister on matters of policy...
153
00:06:34,441 --> 00:06:41,074
I believe he will be judged by history
as a man of conviction, a statesman.
154
00:06:41,161 --> 00:06:44,756
Oh, statesman! Bingo! They love it
when you talk all statesman to them.
155
00:06:44,841 --> 00:06:47,594
...the sniping that's coming from
factions within his own government
156
00:06:47,681 --> 00:06:51,117
at the moment, I think, demeans them
157
00:06:51,201 --> 00:06:54,318
and, more to the point,
demeans politics.
158
00:06:54,401 --> 00:06:57,359
This is lovely, Em. Listen and learn.
159
00:06:57,441 --> 00:07:01,275
You see, he can still do it,
if you poke him with a stick.
160
00:07:01,361 --> 00:07:04,512
INTERVIEWER: That announcement that youwere due to make about immigration,
161
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:06,557
your press conferencewas somewhat upstaged...
162
00:07:06,641 --> 00:07:10,156
Uh, no, no, no. Emma, Emma, stop him.
Stop him. Write him a card.
163
00:07:10,241 --> 00:07:11,560
You, not Phil.
164
00:07:11,641 --> 00:07:13,074
Phil will have him reading out of
the bloody Hobbit.
165
00:07:13,161 --> 00:07:15,994
PETER: The immigration system,
the most acute of which
166
00:07:16,081 --> 00:07:20,393
was a computer system which was
simply not fit for purpose.
167
00:07:20,681 --> 00:07:22,637
What's he doing?
This is completely off-piece.
168
00:07:22,721 --> 00:07:24,677
...simply a rough guide for terrorism.
169
00:07:24,761 --> 00:07:27,036
INTERVIEWER: Can you tell us,how do you rectify that?
170
00:07:27,121 --> 00:07:31,114
Create an independent body. Stop it
being the sorry political football...
171
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,600
Political football? Great! What is this?
172
00:07:32,681 --> 00:07:34,956
Jimmy Carr's 100 GreatestPolitical Cliches?
173
00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,952
But why is Zippy still talking?
174
00:07:37,041 --> 00:07:38,474
Emma, zip him! Zip him!
175
00:07:38,561 --> 00:07:42,190
It would mean porous borders,
unchecked immigration...
176
00:07:42,281 --> 00:07:44,397
STEWART: Before he moves onto rivers of blood, Emma,
177
00:07:44,481 --> 00:07:47,518
find a kitchen implementand start cutting bits of him off
178
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,478
until he just shuts up!
179
00:07:49,561 --> 00:07:51,358
I know for a fact that the prospective
new Prime Minister
180
00:07:51,441 --> 00:07:53,238
is in complete agreement with him.
181
00:07:53,321 --> 00:07:57,678
Right, that's it. I'm coming over there.
Now. Yeah. With an axe.
182
00:08:00,041 --> 00:08:04,034
No, no, no, I want all of them,
but I'll pick them up when I get back.
183
00:08:04,121 --> 00:08:06,237
Yeah, okay. Thanks. Thanks.
184
00:08:07,881 --> 00:08:10,076
(SIGHING) Sorry.
Sorry, Peter, where were we?
185
00:08:10,161 --> 00:08:13,437
Well, I think you were in the middle
of telling me off,
186
00:08:13,521 --> 00:08:17,673
and I was wondering
if it was bedtime yet.
187
00:08:18,521 --> 00:08:22,116
You're really not getting
the seriousness of this, are you, Peter?
188
00:08:22,201 --> 00:08:25,273
Briefing the press
on the immigration figures is...
189
00:08:25,361 --> 00:08:26,840
Well, it's a resigning issue.
190
00:08:26,921 --> 00:08:28,240
I'm not doing it.
191
00:08:28,321 --> 00:08:32,758
I was on the radio, as you know.
I did the... the thing...
192
00:08:32,841 --> 00:08:33,830
Yeah, I heard that.
193
00:08:33,921 --> 00:08:36,230
Anything else is not me.
194
00:08:36,321 --> 00:08:38,152
And that's where
the defence rests, is it?
195
00:08:38,241 --> 00:08:39,435
I'm supposed to believe that?
196
00:08:39,521 --> 00:08:42,479
I'm not doing it, and I don't...
197
00:08:42,561 --> 00:08:44,472
I can't be arsed to lie with you.
198
00:08:44,561 --> 00:08:47,359
I don't give a rat's fart
what you think.
199
00:08:48,401 --> 00:08:49,550
Okay.
200
00:08:50,521 --> 00:08:53,991
All right, well, if it's not you,
then who is it?
201
00:08:54,081 --> 00:08:59,439
Well, if it's not us, the opposition,
then by process of elimination,
202
00:08:59,521 --> 00:09:02,957
I'd say it'd have to be them,
the government.
203
00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:06,511
Now pass me my deerstalker and pipe
and violin and opium.
204
00:09:06,601 --> 00:09:08,080
- Oh, tee and hee.
- What?
205
00:09:08,161 --> 00:09:10,994
You are negatively affecting
our profile, Peter.
206
00:09:11,081 --> 00:09:13,197
- That's my point. And the fallout...
- Oh, come on, Stewart.
207
00:09:13,281 --> 00:09:17,559
Wake up, for God's sake.
No one's taking any notice of us.
208
00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:22,351
We've got to stamp and shout and
throw bricks and wave our chap around
209
00:09:22,441 --> 00:09:25,001
to even get a hint of recognition
from the press.
210
00:09:25,081 --> 00:09:26,070
(SIGHING)
211
00:09:26,161 --> 00:09:29,437
There's absolutely
no common ground here, is there?
212
00:09:29,521 --> 00:09:30,749
- No.
- Um...
213
00:09:30,841 --> 00:09:33,594
Look, I've got to take a slash.
Can I use your bathroom?
214
00:09:33,681 --> 00:09:35,433
It's upstairs, second on the left.
215
00:09:35,521 --> 00:09:38,718
Oh, no, it's... There's a thing...
I'll show you.
216
00:09:39,321 --> 00:09:41,755
What, you have instructions
to a bathroom?
217
00:09:41,841 --> 00:09:45,356
What? I piss, I flush, I wash, I leave.
What do I need?
218
00:09:46,201 --> 00:09:48,112
PETER: Do you never stop talking?
219
00:09:48,201 --> 00:09:49,395
STEWART: Well, sometimes I stop talking.
220
00:09:49,481 --> 00:09:50,994
- I sleep.
- Yeah.
221
00:09:51,681 --> 00:09:54,354
Don't get cocaine on the towel.
222
00:09:55,241 --> 00:09:57,038
And don't slam the door shut.
223
00:09:57,121 --> 00:09:58,918
The builders haven't put
the handle back on,
224
00:09:59,001 --> 00:10:01,390
and you'd get locked in, okay?
225
00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:05,760
Peter, you appear to have a car radio
attached to your bath.
226
00:10:05,841 --> 00:10:08,878
What... Hey, Peter,
have you pimped your tub?
227
00:10:09,121 --> 00:10:11,840
Is that so you can lie in the bath
and slit your wrists
228
00:10:11,921 --> 00:10:14,719
to the sound of
the Today programme, hmm?
229
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,760
Oh, very funny, Peter.
230
00:10:16,841 --> 00:10:19,913
Peter! I mean it, Peter, open the door!
231
00:10:20,481 --> 00:10:21,675
Peter!
232
00:10:23,241 --> 00:10:24,276
You are...
233
00:10:24,361 --> 00:10:26,829
You're a pathetic, bloody infant, Peter!
Open the...
234
00:10:26,921 --> 00:10:29,389
Open the door! Open the door now!
235
00:10:29,481 --> 00:10:31,278
I will not be imprisoned!
236
00:10:31,361 --> 00:10:33,158
Do you understand? Open the door!
237
00:10:33,241 --> 00:10:36,836
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Okay, it's open. It's open.
238
00:10:36,921 --> 00:10:38,274
Sorry. Sorry, I was just...
239
00:10:38,361 --> 00:10:41,433
Don't you ever, I mean ever, ever
pull a stunt on me like that again!
240
00:10:41,521 --> 00:10:42,510
Do you understand?
241
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:46,560
I was just messing about.
I couldn't resist it.
242
00:10:48,921 --> 00:10:54,120
So I suppose you're not a fan
of those bloopers type shows, are you?
243
00:10:55,201 --> 00:10:56,270
No.
244
00:10:57,641 --> 00:11:00,314
REPORTER: Are you on your way to make anannouncement about possible standings?
245
00:11:00,401 --> 00:11:01,959
MAN: That's somethingI'm not really prepared...
246
00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:04,635
Phil, switch over.
We haven't looked at News 24 for a bit.
247
00:11:04,721 --> 00:11:09,078
No, it would just be the Ten GloriousYears package in permanent orbit.
248
00:11:09,761 --> 00:11:11,911
Is it just me,
or does Noel Gallagher getting older
249
00:11:12,001 --> 00:11:14,674
look like one of those
Evolution of Man wall charts in reverse?
250
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,319
(MOBILE RINGING)
251
00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:19,311
- Who's that?
- It's Peter.
252
00:11:19,401 --> 00:11:20,390
Hi.
253
00:11:20,481 --> 00:11:21,800
Something's happened.
254
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:22,916
Something's happened.
255
00:11:23,001 --> 00:11:25,117
- Phil, let me talk to him.
- No, I'll do it, it's fine.
256
00:11:25,201 --> 00:11:27,317
For fuck's sake, Ollie,
it's five in the morning.
257
00:11:27,401 --> 00:11:29,039
What are you...
I didn't order a male massage.
258
00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:32,272
Just, I need something, that's all.
Sorry... A bit of an issue came up.
259
00:11:32,361 --> 00:11:35,956
There's a number of basically important
things... I need some policy items.
260
00:11:36,041 --> 00:11:38,839
I want to talk to you about
urban regeneration.
261
00:11:38,921 --> 00:11:42,994
And also, what is the cheese
situation in the house?
262
00:11:43,921 --> 00:11:44,910
Cheese?
263
00:11:45,001 --> 00:11:47,640
It's for Malcolm
because he's a bit mousy.
264
00:11:47,721 --> 00:11:49,757
He's come for cheese?
This is fucking priceless.
265
00:11:49,841 --> 00:11:51,957
- No...
- Malcolm has sent you to get cheese.
266
00:11:52,041 --> 00:11:56,193
No, no, the government
has sent me to get cheese, Phil.
267
00:11:56,281 --> 00:11:58,590
I'm getting to...
It's all hands to the pump over there.
268
00:11:58,681 --> 00:11:59,909
- The cheese pump?
- Yeah, no...
269
00:12:00,001 --> 00:12:03,311
No. Cheese is just part of
an emerging political landscape, Emma.
270
00:12:03,401 --> 00:12:05,551
- Of course! Of course it is, Ollie.
- I'm not fucking Bernard Ingham.
271
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,074
Well, I really
don't understand politics,
272
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:09,038
but you can see why people don't vote.
273
00:12:09,121 --> 00:12:11,874
Peter, if it was a joke,
explain to him what a joke is.
274
00:12:11,961 --> 00:12:13,235
I mean, does he not realise?
275
00:12:13,321 --> 00:12:16,313
Well, I did... I kept trying
to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.
276
00:12:16,401 --> 00:12:18,756
He kept going on about
false imprisonment,
277
00:12:18,841 --> 00:12:21,639
like he was Solzhenitsyn or Terry Waite.
278
00:12:21,801 --> 00:12:24,838
Look, he can't fire you over a prank.
It just looks ridiculous.
279
00:12:24,921 --> 00:12:26,070
Are you talking to Beadle?
280
00:12:26,161 --> 00:12:27,719
Is Beadle coming into
the shadow cabinet now, is he?
281
00:12:27,801 --> 00:12:29,792
Fuck off! Emma,
get Dairy Queen out of my face.
282
00:12:29,881 --> 00:12:32,315
I'm developing a media strategy.
This is high-level shit.
283
00:12:32,401 --> 00:12:34,232
- (LAUGHING) Yeah.
- EMMA: It's not funny.
284
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:35,390
It's quite funny.
285
00:12:35,481 --> 00:12:38,439
I think the news is spreading.
I'm gonna have to call you back. Bye.
286
00:12:38,521 --> 00:12:39,715
(MOBILE RINGING)
287
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:40,916
Dude!
288
00:12:41,001 --> 00:12:42,673
Listen, stop floating me.
289
00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:43,750
What, so it's off?
290
00:12:43,841 --> 00:12:45,354
Giving that plummy twat our cheddar?
291
00:12:45,441 --> 00:12:46,669
Look, he's just having
a bit of cheese...
292
00:12:46,761 --> 00:12:49,719
Let's at least poison it
or rub our balls on it or something.
293
00:12:49,801 --> 00:12:52,838
I'm going to need some
spin control on this, though, Ollie,
294
00:12:52,921 --> 00:12:55,355
so do you want to be my guy?
295
00:12:55,761 --> 00:12:59,959
Not the Prime Minister's guy,
but a regular... a normal guy's guy.
296
00:13:00,041 --> 00:13:01,520
PHIL: Ah. I live for this.
297
00:13:01,601 --> 00:13:03,796
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.
298
00:13:04,881 --> 00:13:06,439
Everything all right?
299
00:13:06,601 --> 00:13:07,636
Yeah.
300
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:11,396
Thank you. Everything's fine. I'm still
within the heart of government.
301
00:13:12,361 --> 00:13:14,397
- Big department and everything.
- Cheese department?
302
00:13:14,481 --> 00:13:16,949
- Fuck you, Phil.
- Don't take it all, for Christ's sake.
303
00:13:17,041 --> 00:13:18,030
It's all right. Let him have it.
304
00:13:18,121 --> 00:13:19,952
This one's got port in there, as well.
I wanted that.
305
00:13:20,041 --> 00:13:23,317
Well, that's incredibly generous of you.
I'll... I'll...
306
00:13:23,401 --> 00:13:25,357
Look, he's the cheese monitor.
Leave him alone.
307
00:13:25,441 --> 00:13:26,954
(ALL SHOUTING)
308
00:13:27,041 --> 00:13:29,714
Have the fucking port, Phil!
309
00:13:30,481 --> 00:13:32,119
Got it. Fine.
310
00:13:32,721 --> 00:13:36,031
Off you go with your cheese,
Mr Ocado Delivery Boy.
311
00:13:38,521 --> 00:13:41,831
BEN ON RADIO: I've always been fiercelyopposed, fiercely, to racism...
312
00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:43,036
(LAUGHING)
313
00:13:43,121 --> 00:13:45,351
... and discrimination. Always hadan exemplary record in this regard.
314
00:13:45,441 --> 00:13:48,717
I can assure you of one thing,I certainly won't be resigning.
315
00:13:48,801 --> 00:13:50,359
(MOBILE RINGING)
316
00:13:51,241 --> 00:13:53,596
- Morning.
- EMMA: Have you seen The Mail?
317
00:13:53,681 --> 00:13:57,959
Um, no, I haven't.
I'm under 40 and I have a penis. Why?
318
00:13:58,041 --> 00:14:01,670
They've got a big graphic
on the night's winners and losers.
319
00:14:01,761 --> 00:14:04,434
Yeah, it's not a great picture of you.
320
00:14:04,521 --> 00:14:06,193
OLLIE: What? Me? I'm in it?
321
00:14:06,281 --> 00:14:09,239
You look very, very pasty
and about nine.
322
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:12,992
OLLIE: Am I a winner or a loser?
EMMA: You are a loser.
323
00:14:13,081 --> 00:14:15,436
I'm a loser? For fuck's sake.
324
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:17,477
BEN ON RADIO: I have the full support...
325
00:14:17,561 --> 00:14:20,473
God, is that Ben on Today
in the background? Oh...
326
00:14:20,561 --> 00:14:23,473
You can even hear himblinking on the radio.
327
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:26,115
This is absolute bollocks.
I'm not supposed to be in the paper.
328
00:14:26,201 --> 00:14:29,955
I'm just, you know... It's not me who's
supposed to be in the paper, is it?
329
00:14:30,041 --> 00:14:31,156
It's fucking ridiculous.
330
00:14:31,241 --> 00:14:33,072
EMMA: Oh, come on, it's only The Mail.
Don't worry about it.
331
00:14:33,161 --> 00:14:37,791
Yeah, yeah, I know it's The Daily Mail
but, you know, my mum gets The Mail.
332
00:14:37,841 --> 00:14:42,391
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