Original subtitles

Open up, Spazz. We know you're in there.

(Latin accent): Spazz no est? aqu?, man.

Where's the stuff, Spazz? Uh, I honestly don't know,

guys. Actually, right now it's kind of

a bad time. I'm having a gastrointestinal

kind of thing. Hey, guys. What's up?

I love what you've done to the place.

Look at this. (grunting)

Oh, look at you. Want to break it?

If you guys need anything to drink or anything, there's a

beer on the bed or some pizza in the bathroom, too.

Did you just offer us shit pizza?

It's got cheese in the crust. Well, you know what the good

news is? The boss wants to see you...

(panting): Oh, good. Let's go see him, then.

You didn't let me finish. The boss wants to see you...

dead.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

What's up?! KEVIN: Ow!

Cheers. No, that's my beer.

(phone ringing) We could share this beer,

'cause we're best friends. No. I don't think so.

Yeah, that's a good idea. I've got a whole lip thing going

on. I'm having the best time with

you bros. Hey, guy, are you gonna answer

that? PETE: Rafi, I think it's your

phone. Maybe it's one of my hot

dogs, I don't know. (laughing): Whoa!

ANDRE: Answer it. What? Oh, yeah. Hello.

Yes, it is. Leonard Spazzinelli?

Yeah, I know him. He's, like, my best friend.

Don't get mad. (chuckles) Wait.

Dead? Wh-What do you mean? Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! (sobbing): Oh, my God!

Brian, Spazz is dead! I don't know who that is.

Oh, no, no! No! No! My God...!

Randy! Randy! Aah! Randy...!

(sobbing loudly) Hey. Come here.

Find Randy. Find Randy! Rafi, hey.

(Rafi sobbing) What's happened?

What's happened? Spazz is dead!

It's the worst day of my life. I got the news just today.

They shot him, Randy! They shot him right in the head!

They shot Spazz! I'm never gonna forget the

last thing I said to him, man. I said, "Spazz, you can put the

whole thing in your mouth." Yeah?

And he said... (imitates choking)

I remember, man, I was there, pushing his head down on it and

shoving it in. Are you thinking what I'm

thinking? That I really have to take a

shit after eating three hot dogs on the way over here?

No. We are gonna murder the people that murdered our friend

Spazz! Yes!

Guess what. What?

Dirty Randy and Rafi are going to Los Angeles.

Vigilante justice! Oh! Look at this mess!

Who's this tall drink of water?

This is disgusting. Please pick this up.

Margaret, I quit this bullshit job.

You can't quit-- you were fired four months ago.

I quit now! You go get me my severance

package! You don't have a severance

package. RANDY AND RAFI: You don't

have a severance package! I have a very good severance

package. Then get me your severance

package! What's a severance package?!

I'm going to call the security guard and he'll get

rid of you. Oh, guess what.

In this bullshit library, I own security!

(quietly): I don't own security; we should probably go.

That guy hates me. Oh, okay, let's go.

We could get in trouble. Let's do this for Spazz!

Right, let's do this for Spazz!

We're gonna go to L.A.! Let's go to L.A.! Yeah!

Where's your car? Where's your car?

Where's the porn-mobile? I lost my car in a drag race

with Korean teenagers. Why are you drag-racing

Korean teenagers? It's the only way I can get a

boner anymore. Your fetishes are getting,

like, really specific. Are you finding the same

thing? It used to be that I just

wanted to get a blow job from a woman with no teeth, but now I

only want to have sex with a woman with one tooth.

I like having sex with a woman and ejaculating the moment

she has her first menopausal hot flash.

Dude! Yes! I call it man-opause.

That's what she'll think of it as. Dude, that's good.

Dude, it is so good seeing you, man.

Good seeing you, bro. I'll talk to you later, man.

You're the best. You're the best.

Wait a minute! Spazz! We got to go to L.A.!

How are we gonna get there? (Randy snaps fingers)

I got a new set of wheels. Trust me, he's my best

friend-- he's totally gonna let us borrow his car.

I really think my car will make it to L.A., man.

Uh, R-Randy, this-this is a BMX bike.

Huge day at work today, and I don't know why I told Ruxin I'd

pick him up and drive him to the airport.

JENNY: No. You are going to be great.

Okay. I love you. Bye.

What the shit? Where's my car?

Oh, goddamn Rafi!

Whoo! Whoo...!

(tires screeching, horns honking)

Whoa! Shit! Where are we? Where...

I don't know, we're driving. We're good, we're good,

we're good. Hey, Randy, what's gonna

happen in L.A.? I think big things are gonna

happen, is what I think. You do?

I do. Oh, look at this beautiful

country. Oh, we should go left.

Go left, go left, go left.

I love seeing all the dead animals at the side of the road.

It really turns me on. (groans)

Man! This baby's got the best butt plug I've ever worn.

You want it? Yeah.

I thought when I fell off, I would get a lot more hurt.

Oh! Oh, it's so nice of your

friend's stupid kid to leave us his baby drug mirror.

Oh, yeah. Oh! I gave him this.

So he could do drugs with it. Instead, he just looks at his

dum-dum face with it.

I'm so glad we can share this moment together.

Me, too. It's just you and me... and Brian! What's up?

Hey! Here we are at the Grand

Canyon... Wow.

...jerking off. Just another of our "Coming on

America" series. Oh, my God.

This is Grand Canyon. Tomorrow...

Oh, no, oh, God, shut it off! Oh, my God, oh, God!

Rafi. Wake up. Wake up, man!

What? What? We're in L.A.

Oh, my God! Amazing! I know!

I had the craziest dream. We were driving on the wrong

side of the highway and caused a huge pile-up.

Oh, that actually happened. What?!

I didn't wake you. You just looked like an angel.

We just kept driving. That's amazing.

L.A., baby! Ooh-ooh...!

Looks like this is where Spazz was killed.

This is nice. Super nice.

I mean, whoa. All right, I'm gonna go talk

to the manager, see what he knows-- you take care of the

car. Done.

Hey. You had a murder here in your motel a couple of days ago.

I'm here to ask you a few questions, get to the bottom of

it. Are you the police?

Are you the police? No.

Then yes, I am the police. My name is Sergeant Lieutenant

Randolph. Dirty Randolph.

So, what do you know, man? I don't know anything.

I told you everything. You are a tough nut to crack,

but I'm gonna bust your nut. Didn't want it to come to this,

but looks like I'll have to use the powers of seduction.

Please don't. Just tell me what I need to

know-- maybe I can throw a little something your way.

Look, my friend, you are not my type.

I'm not your type?! I'm everyone's type.

My junk is like O positive blood-- it's universally

compatible. Look, man, I'd hate to see

something bad happen to this place.

No, wait. Hey, hey! That paper's expensive!

Come back here! That's matte finish.

Take it easy, all right? Okay, you gonna talk?

You got cameras in this little shit hole.

I want the shower cams, I want the toilet cams.

And not just the ones looking at the toilet-- I want the ones in

the toilet. I want to see what the poop

sees. No, you're not getting the

poop cam. Give me my poop cams!

No! Not getting my poop cams! Whoa! Whoa! Rafi!

What? What are you doing, man?!

What, you said take care of the car.

So you lit it on fire? That's what "take care of it"

means! When I asked you to take care

of my mother's cat, is this what you did?

Of course! This is a "my bad" kind of

scenario. Totally.

I had no idea you couldn't light a car on fire in Los

Angeles. Now we know.

You can't burn a car anywhere actually.

Oh, you can. I've burned, like, 40 cars--

never been arrested. You should... you should g...

It's a great way to get rid of evidence.

Yeah. Probably shouldn't tell me

that. We're on the same team here.

We-We're detectives. For now. When we solve our

friend's murder, we will become vigilantes.

Yes. That's illegal. You can't be

a vigilante. Why? Batman does it.

There's no such thing as Batman, and being a vigilante...

What? You are so wrong! If you go to Gotham right now,

Batman is taking the law into his own hands.

Batman is a fictitious character...

Batman is the alter ego of Bruce Wayne, who's...

Who's real, obviously. In the movie, he's a real...

In the documentaries. I'm sorry?

There's, like, a million documentaries about Batman.

There's one from the '70s, then there's some from the '90s,

then they just had three in the last, like, decade.

There's, like, three new documentaries about Batman!

Do you have any idea what the term "documentary" means?

Yeah, non-porno movies. With real people in them.

English Patient. You guys belong in a mental

institution. That's how we met, actually.

It was lovely. Look, you guys just-just get

out of here, okay? Just get out. Whoa. Wait, what?

Just get out of Los Angeles, okay?

Just get out? Just get out of here?

Just get out. When I saw you were bald, I

thought I shouldn't be presumptuous...

I can't believe it took us this long, man.

You're a Nazi. You're a Nazi, man.

Excuse me? You just gave us a full-on

Nazi salute. No, no, no. No, no, I was

not. No, I was saying, "Get out."

What do you think the motion is?

That's what Hitler was saying. Is that what he was saying?

He was saying, "Jews, get out of Germany."

No, that's a Sieg Heil. He was going, "Heil" and he

went low-l, too. No, it's not like "high up

high" and lo... No, it's-it's... Look, I'm not even sure of the

origins of-of Sieg He... You seem like you are.

No, I don't seem like I am. I was saying good-bye.

You've done it, like, 100 times, man.

I'm trying to show you! I'm showing you!

I'm showing here! This country is very open to

Nazis. Okay, you know what, here are

your friend's belongings. Take them, get out of here.

Ooh, Spazz's stuff. Whew, let's see what we got.

Don't dump it out on my... We're just gonna use this...

Why did Spazz have a tape dispenser?

That's not... That's my tape. Are these Spazz's?

Those are my paper clips. Wait, there's a clue in here.

"Booty Barn, Oxnard Road, Van Nuys."

Nice. How do we get there?

Looks like Spazz left us the keys to the Spazz Mobile.

Awesome! Tell you what, man, you hear about a murder at the

Booty Barn tonight, you know who did it.

Rafi and Dirty Randy. You can go eat your own dick.

Whew. Oh, ho, ho, ho.

This place is nice. Right? I'm glad you wore your

nice flip-flops. Stay frosty, man.

Okay. One of these sickos could've

killed our friend Spazz. We owe it to Spazz to stay

here and investigate every clue we can as deep as possible.

Or at least as far as they'll let us go.

I want to investigate that clue.

There's a black clue back there that I'm really curious

about. I heard there's a clue in the

back that has coke. I've got a lot of pent up

investigating to do. Oh, me, too! I got blue

clues! Yeah, I'd like to investigate

all over some of these clues! Let's do it, man.

Two Jagerbombs. One Cobb salad.

Hold the onions. (Rafi chuckles)

Dirty Randy's gonna make it rain!

Yeah! (grunting)

Dirty Randy should not be making it rain!

What are you doing? No, no, no. I'm jizzing money!

What? No. It's a money shot!

No, no, no, no! Yeah!

No, Randy, no. No, no. No, Randy...

(grunting) Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Let me go. Let me go. Yeah, go, go. Get in there.

Get in there. (grunts)

Yeah! Yeah, get it! Yeah.

Oh. Oh, man. I can't believe they have a

pinball machine here. I know. How cool is this,

right? This is awesome!

They're kind of just asking for an Accused typesituation,

though, you know? What's that?

The Accused? The movie? I've never heard of that.

What?! Oh, my God, dude, it's only, like, the greatest

romantic comedy ever made. I love romantic comedies!

It's like Sleepless in Seattle meets The Proposal

meets nonconsensual sex. Who's in it?

Oh, my God, that dude. Um, Jodie Foster.

He's my favorite actor! He's so good in it, too.

He's such a good actor. He was great in Nell.

(speaking gibberish) Hey, it's starting to smell

in here. I think we should have

housekeeping come in and clean Spazz's brains off the ground.

No way, man. I like it. It's like having a little piece

of Spazz with us. Aw. So sentimental.

Whoa! (all shouting)

Rafi? Dirty Randy?!

Cock brothers. Joel and Ethan Cock!

What is going on? Look at you. Look at you.

We haven't seen you guys since we were chased out of

Chicago. Oh, man.

What are you guys doing here in Spazz's room?

Yeah. We're shooting a porn, yeah.

He always let us shoot porns in his room.

That's amazing. He was so generous.

What are you guys doing here? We've been staying in his

room 'cause there's, like, a little piece of him that's still

here with us. Sure, yeah.

You know what I like to think?

That that part of him is the part that remembers me.

Yeah, this bloodstain is awesome.

We just had him bang her on it a little while ago.

Great idea. It's really quite beautiful,

like, as a tribute to him. Kind of a posthumous

three-way for Spazz. Nice. I say we power through

till dawn and then drinks poolside.

I don't want to rush you guys, but if you need two more

dicks... And three more balls.

...we're happy to jump in on this.

Champagne living and caviar dreams.

I mean, this is California at its best.

I don't want to brag, but at this particular moment, we're

doing everything right. This is the life, boys.

Rolling 18 inches deep. Couple of beers, good

friends, bunch of bath salts. Look, we can't forget what

brought us here. Do you guys know who killed

Spazz? Chuck Falcon.

What?! The amazing pornographer Chuck Falcon?

The Falcon himself. Chuck Falcon is, like, the

Steve Jobs of pornography. And like Steve Jobs, he also

murders people. You thinking what I'm

thinking? Pasta night?

No. That we are gonna have to go to... the Falcon's nest.

That was great, actually. Well, it's not gonna be that

easy. I mean, Falcon takes security

really seriously. And this weekend is his

daughter's 11th birthday party. Well, we are gonna easily

make our way in there when we go to... the Falcon's nest.

I've been telling you, I don't know 'cause...

Shut... Dude, don't talk after I say "Falcon's nest,"

okay? I want "Falcon's nest" to be the

last thing anyone says. For the rest of the day?

Here. So we're not supposed to talk

after you say it? No. Falcon's nest.

How long does this last for? Oh, my...

Longer than that. That wasn't long enough!

I'm trying to have a moment!

The only way we're gonna get into Falcon's place at this

point is in disguise. I've got an idea.

What? We've got a bunch of porn

wardrobe in our office. Yeah.

Where's your office? Parked right over there.

What? Whoa. God, that's a nice office.

All right, what do you think-- Pretty Woman dress-up

montage? Uh, let's just skip to what

we're gonna ultimately wear. What do we got?

(laughter) That's perfect.

My, oh, my, look at this. Is this what normal people

wear? Who knows?

But it looks good. Really?

I mean, where's the butthole? How do people poop in these?

They don't take their pants off, do they?

Oh, sure. You pull 'em down, poop, and

then, once you're done, you pull 'em back up and fasten it.

You have just complicated the whole ordeal.

So, wait, but then the pants are just in, like, the dirt.

Only if you're pooping in dirt.

Where else would we poop? We're not animals.

Yeah. What porno is this even from?

Gay Dads 8. Whoa, gay dads-- that's a

perfect cover for us. That's what we're doing.

Gay dads. Yep.

Now we just need an 11-year- old girl to get us into the

party. I've already made a call.

This is totally gonna work. This plan is flawless.

I'm not gonna have to blow anybody at this party, am I?

Come on. Candy, we've been over this.

You're not a stripper today; you're our 11-year-old daughter.

The only people you can blow at this party are other 11-year-

olds. Or else it's illegal.

Yeah. All right, here we are.

Yes. At a kid's birthday party

where we belong. Happy birthday to all of you.

Oh, look, some girls your age, Candy.

Yeah. Why don't you play with these

girls? Okay, Big Daddy, you know,

have fun. Okay, I will.

Wow, walk over here. We'll go socialize.

Okay. Just like people who were

definitely invited to this party.

Happy birthday. I love you, husband.

As do I you, husband. Thank you, this is so great.

We are totally fitting in here. Everybody believes it.

Dude, we are killing this. You got your gun?

Yes, I've got my gun. Do you have your gun?

Of course I do. Let's find this piece of shit

and whack him. Just walking over here.

Happy birthday, sir. Happy birthday, ma'am.

Come on, work it like you're really angry, come on.

I got to say, your daughter Alison and our daughter Candy

are getting along so well. (Rafi sighs)

Quick question: does your daughter have a valid passport?

'Cause we're bringing Candy to Bangkok in a couple weeks for a

"holiday." You know, it'd be really great

if she had a friend to smoke with and cry to.

Exactly. Yeah, marriage is the weirdest.

It's so tough. Now that we're married, we

barely find time to have violent sex with each other.

Sometimes we just start having sex.

I'm like, "Punch me in the face first.

Jesus." We are killing this.

On fire right now. On fire, man.

Party's over. Nice line.

That was a good line. Okay, okay.

Come on, no. Okay.

Get off of me, man. These are the two idiots we

were telling you about. Yeah.

Dick. I'm Chuck Falcon.

Want to explain why you're here? First off, huge fan.

Huge fans. Mind blown.

Let me ask you another question.

What are you doing on my premises?

Oh, okay, our bad. Oh, okay, yeah, sorry, no

problem. We're here to murder you.

We're-- no, you know, that's a, that's a bad way to put it.

We're here to avenge a friend's death.

Spazz. Spazz, who you know.

You killed. And in doing so it will mean

that your life will come to an end.

Yes. You're not gonna kill me

'cause I'm gonna make your dreams come true.

I've seen your stuff. Wait, you haven't.

What, Toe-Bangers 3? What? What?

What? Come on.

Listen to me. Amateur porn is all the rage

right now. It's so hard for professionals

to make amateur porn look really amateur.

Oh, we're great at that. Yeah, I mean, I mean, that's

what we are-- amateurs. Yeah, I make all the sex

sounds with my mouth afterwards. (makes fart sound)

Squish. The stuff you shoot makes

people say, "I feel slightly dumber for having masturbated to

that." Oh, my God, do you mind if we

put that as a blurb on the back of the DVD?

I'm gonna offer you an exclusive deal with Falcon

Entertainment. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh,

my God, it's happening, it's happening.

This is ha-- it's happening. I'm just like...

We can't forget why we're here.

This is like... We can't forget Spazz.

You killed our friend, man. Yeah.

He was stealing from us. Aw.

What? So, what do you think?

I mean, I don't know... Spazz was kind of the worst.

He was the worst, right? The worst.

I mean, that's Chuck Falcon. It's Chuck Falcon offering us

a deal. Are you thinking what I'm

thinking? I kind of think I am.

Where do I sign? What, why?!

What, what? We were gonna sign an

exclusive contract! No, no.

You can't shoot him! We have not been on the same

page this trip, man. At all.

(both laugh) Gilligan's Assland, take one.

Ready and action. Action.

That is great. Oh, Marianne, you're doing

great. Craft service!

Come on, Boris, get over here. Yes, sir, Master Prince of

Porn. Yes, good.

You killed the guy. You didn't pay him, right?

Myself. Good.

Don't look at me. Feed me.

All right, ooh. There you go, Rafi.

(Rafi sniffs, grunts) Candy, no!

What are you doing?! No! Jesus, guys.

Get away from the drugs! Guys, on a positive note, I

feel like we probably got everything we need from this

angle. We can move on.

I don't like it anymore. Cut. No, action.

No, cut! Action!

Cut! Action!

Cut! Action!

No action! Yes action!

No, no! Action!

I said, "Action!" I said, "Cut!"

Should we cut? Yes!

No! (both screaming)

I'm carrying you like a baby. I have strapped you to my

back in a papoose like I'm an Indian woman on the plains

fleeing for my life against the British invaders!

This ends today! Oh, it's got to end!

You thinking what I'm thinking?

BOTH: Duel. Whoa.

That was-- we're-- that-- we're really on the same page

right now. Same page.

Here are the rules of the duel.

Ten paces, then start shooting. You ready?

BOTH: Ready. Go.

BOTH: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

ten. (both screaming)

(panting)

Oh, no. (both grunting)

High five? God.

Yeah! Yeah, let's do it again!

No, he's dead. Oh.

Oh, Rafi. None of you saw shit!

He killed himself! He shot himself while you

were shooting at him? Yeah, but that's our cover

story! Get up, you big idiot, get up.

Brian, it's Rafi.

If you're watching this,

I'm dead.

Come to Los Angeles and avenge my death.

Brian, do not let me down in this,

or I swear to God, I will haunt you

every night...

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0