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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:46,167 --> 00:01:51,195 (Woman on monitor) 'Lucy? Can you hear me? ' 2 00:01:56,327 --> 00:01:57,282 'Lucy! ' 3 00:02:04,407 --> 00:02:05,396 CAMERA CLICKS 4 00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:13,998 SHE GROANS 5 00:02:16,207 --> 00:02:18,402 SHE GROANS 6 00:02:18,447 --> 00:02:21,041 SIGHS AND BREATHES HEAVILY 7 00:02:21,087 --> 00:02:23,476 You wearing perfume, love? 8 00:02:23,527 --> 00:02:25,404 It's the new air freshener thing. 9 00:02:25,447 --> 00:02:27,324 I bought it for the bathroom. 10 00:02:27,367 --> 00:02:30,200 Thought Maxxie got you perfume. Thought, "Here's posh, 11 00:02:30,247 --> 00:02:31,839 "boyfriend who buys you perfume." 12 00:02:31,887 --> 00:02:35,357 - He'd buy me perfume if I asked. - I know. Do anything, wouldn't he? 13 00:02:35,407 --> 00:02:39,446 Long as you don't introduce him to the scary disabled mother, that is. 14 00:02:39,487 --> 00:02:43,844 - I will introduce him to you. - When the cock crows thrice, I know. 15 00:02:45,167 --> 00:02:46,282 Done? 16 00:02:48,007 --> 00:02:50,077 BREAKS WIND AND LAUGHS 17 00:02:50,127 --> 00:02:54,279 Always leave the waters a tip, that's what your gran used to say. 18 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:02,800 (Own voice in her head) 'Did you hear that? 19 00:03:02,847 --> 00:03:06,078 'The building's coming down, there's nothing we can do.' 20 00:03:06,127 --> 00:03:07,845 If I'm to die, 21 00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:11,084 I'd rather it be with you than anyone else in the world. 22 00:03:11,127 --> 00:03:15,837 (American accent) Darling, oh, darling, how long I've waited to hear those words. 23 00:03:15,887 --> 00:03:18,526 PIANO PLAYS 24 00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:24,324 Once I was a lonely banker 25 00:03:24,367 --> 00:03:30,602 All I cared for were margins and accounts 26 00:03:30,647 --> 00:03:36,404 I'd pass you on the phone each morning 27 00:03:36,447 --> 00:03:42,682 I knew one day that love would sprout 28 00:03:43,847 --> 00:03:49,080 Then came the day Osama blew us away 29 00:03:49,127 --> 00:03:52,802 (Chorus) Osama blew them away 30 00:03:52,847 --> 00:03:57,477 And now I know how I feel 31 00:04:05,887 --> 00:04:10,597 (Chorus) Then came the day Osama blew us away 32 00:04:10,647 --> 00:04:14,117 Osama blew them away 33 00:04:15,207 --> 00:04:19,598 Then came the day Osama blew us away 34 00:04:19,647 --> 00:04:24,243 Osama blew them away 35 00:04:24,287 --> 00:04:25,925 Then came the day... 36 00:04:25,967 --> 00:04:28,606 < No, no, no, no, NO! 37 00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:31,845 No. 38 00:04:37,687 --> 00:04:40,406 Do you know what this is? > 39 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,358 This is my script > 40 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:43,886 and I'm burning it. 41 00:04:43,927 --> 00:04:46,077 And do you know why? Becau... 42 00:04:46,127 --> 00:04:50,006 Does someone wanna give me a hand here, please? Quickly, quickly, thank you. 43 00:04:50,047 --> 00:04:52,845 Because... You know I've burnt my... fing... 44 00:04:52,887 --> 00:04:55,321 Because you made it shit! 45 00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:56,846 Shitl 46 00:05:01,207 --> 00:05:03,118 Do you know what we're doing here? 47 00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:04,646 Do you? 48 00:05:06,287 --> 00:05:07,800 Max... 49 00:05:07,847 --> 00:05:12,238 This is an opportunity, a real opportunity, to tell the tragedy of my people. 50 00:05:12,287 --> 00:05:17,315 - You're American(?) - (American accent) Yes, I am. Metaphorically. 51 00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:23,078 (Normal voice) Look, in two hours' time, this woman will be dead. Dead! You know why? 52 00:05:23,127 --> 00:05:27,598 Because Osama in pyjamas is making his way up the stairs 53 00:05:27,647 --> 00:05:29,205 to take us unawares. 54 00:05:29,247 --> 00:05:31,442 Oh, get off me, Bruce. 55 00:05:31,487 --> 00:05:35,366 (American accent) Outside, the world is crumbling, 56 00:05:35,407 --> 00:05:38,922 the towers are coming down. 57 00:05:38,967 --> 00:05:42,596 But soon... she'll forget. 58 00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:47,716 When two lips... Oh, sod it, time for show and tell. 59 00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:49,405 HE GROANS 60 00:05:52,327 --> 00:05:53,442 LAUGHS 61 00:05:54,727 --> 00:05:56,638 Mmm... Aaarrrgh! 62 00:05:56,727 --> 00:05:58,843 To paraphrase Mr Punch, son, 63 00:05:58,887 --> 00:06:00,525 "That's the way to do it." 64 00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:04,321 Now, from Michelle's verse! Come on! Whoo! 65 00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:07,404 PIANO PLAYS 66 00:06:10,407 --> 00:06:15,162 I'd bring you coffee and a bagel 67 00:06:15,207 --> 00:06:20,520 But you never had the time for me 68 00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:27,602 I dreamed that one day you'd say, "Hey, girl 69 00:06:27,647 --> 00:06:33,483 "That bagel's mighty fine, it's plain to see" 70 00:06:35,087 --> 00:06:39,638 Then came the day Osama blew us away 71 00:06:39,687 --> 00:06:43,805 (Chorus) Osama blew them away 72 00:06:43,847 --> 00:06:48,875 And now you know how I feel 73 00:06:51,687 --> 00:06:56,283 (Chorus) Then came the day Osama blew us away 74 00:06:56,327 --> 00:07:01,037 Osama blew them away... 75 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,076 LIGHT CRASHES 76 00:07:02,127 --> 00:07:04,083 SCREAMING 77 00:07:07,407 --> 00:07:08,920 What the fuck?! 78 00:07:12,287 --> 00:07:15,757 It just slipped. Sorry. 79 00:07:28,207 --> 00:07:29,606 ANWAR LAUGHS 80 00:07:29,647 --> 00:07:33,196 Not funny, OK? This is like the 15th present this week. 81 00:07:33,247 --> 00:07:36,205 It's getting quite spooky, innit? How's he getting in your locker? 82 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:39,364 - I wish he'd just tell me who he is. - What is it? 83 00:07:39,407 --> 00:07:40,999 An Oscar. 84 00:07:41,047 --> 00:07:42,605 Full of chocolate. 85 00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:49,325 - (Anwar) Every actor's dream, though, innit? - (Sid) What are you talking about, mate? 86 00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:51,244 (Anwar) Stalker - the ultimate accessory. 87 00:07:51,287 --> 00:07:53,517 (Sid) Not everyone's as desperate for sex as you, Anwar. 88 00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:56,843 - (Maxxie) Sid! - (Anwar) No, he's right. See these hands? 89 00:07:56,887 --> 00:07:58,366 Fucking friction burns, man! 90 00:07:58,407 --> 00:08:02,082 My sisters are getting suspicious about their disappearing hand cream. 91 00:08:02,127 --> 00:08:03,879 (Maxxie) I'm gonna get you laid tonight. 92 00:08:03,927 --> 00:08:07,806 (Sid) I'll bring some spare hand cream, you just bring your smile! 93 00:08:40,127 --> 00:08:43,005 No, seriously, Sid, what have you come as? A cardboard Big Dickus? 94 00:08:43,047 --> 00:08:45,641 Gladiator to the stars. 95 00:08:45,687 --> 00:08:47,484 Fuck off! > 96 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:51,440 So, stalky-stalky-stalk-stalk. Do you think he's coming tonight? 97 00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:54,047 - Shit! It could be any one of these people. - Don't! 98 00:08:54,087 --> 00:08:58,000 If he was clever, he'd come as a sort of film where the stalker wins. 99 00:08:58,047 --> 00:09:00,117 You know, Hugh Grant in Four Weddings. 100 00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:02,397 What? How is Four Weddings about stalking? 101 00:09:02,447 --> 00:09:06,201 Four weddings, one funeral, and Hugh just happens to be at all five. 102 00:09:06,247 --> 00:09:08,442 You'd think Andie MacDowell was cleverer than that. 103 00:09:08,487 --> 00:09:12,116 Oh... my... God! 104 00:09:13,847 --> 00:09:16,315 Go on, guess. Guess. 105 00:09:16,367 --> 00:09:18,358 Eh? Give up? 106 00:09:18,407 --> 00:09:20,398 Daisy Werthan. 107 00:09:22,207 --> 00:09:24,243 I don't know who she is, either. 108 00:09:24,287 --> 00:09:27,438 Driving Miss Daisy! Best Picture Oscar, 1990. 109 00:09:27,487 --> 00:09:29,603 And this is my man, who is... 110 00:09:29,647 --> 00:09:31,285 Morgan Freeman. 111 00:09:31,327 --> 00:09:34,558 No! How many times have I got to tell you? 112 00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:38,361 OK, you're Hoke. Yeah? Actor, Freeman, part, Hoke. 113 00:09:38,407 --> 00:09:41,126 You don't know the first thing about films, do you, Kenneth? 114 00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:43,556 - How many films have you seen, Chris? - What? Counting porn? 115 00:09:43,607 --> 00:09:46,679 - Well, no. - One. Driving Miss Daisy. It's a classic. 116 00:09:46,727 --> 00:09:49,605 Interestingly, they did make a porn version of the film 117 00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:52,241 called Fisting Miss Daisy. 118 00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:56,485 It was a really good film. Really stood up to the original. Phenomenal. 119 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:03,164 MUSIC PLAYS 120 00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:13,478 Here comes my leading lady. 121 00:10:13,527 --> 00:10:15,119 Whoo, what an entrance! 122 00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,403 - What? - Oh! 123 00:10:27,447 --> 00:10:29,915 Princess Leia, right? Jinx! 124 00:10:29,967 --> 00:10:32,276 And you look so... 125 00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,885 home-made. 126 00:10:33,927 --> 00:10:37,283 Doesn't she, Tony? Gloriously quaint. 127 00:10:37,327 --> 00:10:38,646 (Tony) Hi, Michelle. 128 00:10:38,687 --> 00:10:42,236 You dressed as Luke? For her? 129 00:10:42,287 --> 00:10:45,245 Well, I guess I... 130 00:10:47,607 --> 00:10:49,325 Did I? 131 00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:50,880 Tony! 132 00:10:52,607 --> 00:10:55,838 You think either of them's actually seen Star Wars? 133 00:10:55,887 --> 00:10:59,118 You reckon they know Luke's her brother? 134 00:10:59,167 --> 00:11:01,158 INAUDIBLE 135 00:11:03,367 --> 00:11:05,437 Solid! No... 136 00:11:05,487 --> 00:11:10,766 I stood here solid and no-one could rock me. 137 00:11:10,807 --> 00:11:15,005 But now comes a mullah who'll awe and shock me... 138 00:11:15,047 --> 00:11:17,607 Yep, that works. That really works. That's lovely. 139 00:11:17,647 --> 00:11:19,126 Mr Gelpart. > 140 00:11:21,327 --> 00:11:23,477 Well, I never! The light-dropper. 141 00:11:23,527 --> 00:11:26,325 Thank you. Sincerely. No, I thank you. 142 00:11:26,367 --> 00:11:30,724 You made the rehearsal feel... dangerous. 143 00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:33,600 - I want to act. - Yeah, well, who doesn't? 144 00:11:33,647 --> 00:11:36,366 - I need Michelle's part. - What? 145 00:11:36,407 --> 00:11:37,726 She's terrible. 146 00:11:38,927 --> 00:11:41,077 I should play her. 147 00:11:41,127 --> 00:11:43,083 Oh, my dear... 148 00:11:44,447 --> 00:11:45,516 Come here. 149 00:11:45,567 --> 00:11:49,242 Acting is about truth. 150 00:11:49,287 --> 00:11:52,882 Truth is about beauty. 151 00:11:52,927 --> 00:11:58,126 Ugly people lack believability. Now, how can I put this kindly? 152 00:11:58,167 --> 00:12:00,476 You look like a liar. 153 00:12:02,447 --> 00:12:04,324 I really want that part. 154 00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:07,165 Mmm. Not on my ship, darling. 155 00:12:11,207 --> 00:12:14,597 (Maxxie) In there, mate. Let's see what we can grab. 156 00:12:15,847 --> 00:12:17,724 Come on, Bruce. Where the goodies at? 157 00:12:18,727 --> 00:12:21,525 Whoa! Shit! If Bruce can get laid, anyone can. 158 00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:23,842 What's the plan, then, Rambo? 159 00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:26,640 It's an ancient dating strategy for getting laid. > 160 00:12:26,687 --> 00:12:29,645 Mark yourself out of ten, and then aim two points below. 161 00:12:29,687 --> 00:12:31,484 An eight goes for a six. 162 00:12:31,527 --> 00:12:34,166 That way, guaranteed success. 163 00:12:35,927 --> 00:12:39,044 Look, a poodle doesn't get nothing with a Labrador, 164 00:12:39,087 --> 00:12:43,239 but if he aims for a Chihuahua? Woof! 165 00:12:43,287 --> 00:12:45,596 So what number are you, then, hound-dog? 166 00:12:45,647 --> 00:12:46,762 A seven. 167 00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:53,439 A six? 168 00:12:53,487 --> 00:12:54,886 I'm not a five. 169 00:12:55,887 --> 00:12:58,924 Am I a five? 170 00:12:58,967 --> 00:13:01,242 Mate, you're a seven. Course you are. 171 00:13:01,287 --> 00:13:03,926 Yeah, baby! So we need to find me a five, yeah? 172 00:13:05,927 --> 00:13:07,838 MUSIC WITH A JERKY BEAT PLAYS 173 00:14:00,367 --> 00:14:03,518 Mate, I've found your five. Wait here. 174 00:14:03,567 --> 00:14:04,886 What? Where? 175 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,366 < Hi, hello. 176 00:14:07,407 --> 00:14:08,920 < Hi, I, er... 177 00:14:08,967 --> 00:14:13,836 You were the one who dropped the light, right? 178 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:16,082 Maxxie. You're a fucking genius. 179 00:14:17,447 --> 00:14:19,119 You're single, right? 180 00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:20,885 What? 181 00:14:22,047 --> 00:14:25,403 You got a boyfriend? A guy? 182 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:28,280 No. I've got no-one. I mean, yeah - I'm single. 183 00:14:29,527 --> 00:14:30,642 Cool. 184 00:14:30,687 --> 00:14:32,723 So what do you say... 185 00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:35,520 dance with my mate, Anwar? 186 00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,319 He's seventh heaven. 187 00:14:38,287 --> 00:14:41,677 - Anwar? - Yeah, Anwar, baby. 188 00:14:41,727 --> 00:14:43,080 007. 189 00:14:43,127 --> 00:14:45,960 And you... my Chanel No 5. 190 00:14:49,207 --> 00:14:51,767 Sorry. I've got to go. 191 00:14:53,087 --> 00:14:54,486 What? Hang on. 192 00:15:01,487 --> 00:15:03,682 You sure I'm a seven? 193 00:15:06,207 --> 00:15:08,960 Let's look for some fours, shall we? 194 00:15:09,007 --> 00:15:11,077 Just in case. 195 00:15:40,647 --> 00:15:43,445 I can't believe after everything that's happened, 196 00:15:43,487 --> 00:15:45,318 you'd bring her to the party. 197 00:15:46,527 --> 00:15:48,483 She, er, says I'm her boyfriend. 198 00:15:58,527 --> 00:16:02,042 You're not Tony any more, are you? 199 00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:03,406 Yeah, I'm Tony. 200 00:16:03,447 --> 00:16:05,642 OK. 201 00:16:05,687 --> 00:16:10,078 On the day of the accident, you were on the phone to me. Tell me what you said. 202 00:16:13,167 --> 00:16:16,477 The doctors told me some things would take a while to come back. 203 00:16:19,327 --> 00:16:20,806 OK, then. 204 00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:24,925 Let's bring you back. 205 00:16:37,487 --> 00:16:41,002 (Michelle) Come on, come on. I want to touch you. 206 00:16:44,847 --> 00:16:45,916 I can't... 207 00:16:45,967 --> 00:16:47,685 Course you can. 208 00:16:58,127 --> 00:16:59,446 (Oh.) 209 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,200 You're not... 210 00:17:05,247 --> 00:17:07,203 No. I'm not. 211 00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:11,646 I've got to go. 212 00:17:22,247 --> 00:17:23,646 < Not worth it, are they? 213 00:17:24,647 --> 00:17:25,875 Who the fuck are you? 214 00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:37,924 How come boys could do that to us? 215 00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:39,446 Make us feel like shit? 216 00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:42,806 He didn't... 217 00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:48,679 - You don't understand. - OK. 218 00:17:48,727 --> 00:17:50,957 It's difficult for him now. > 219 00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:55,440 Us now. 220 00:17:59,127 --> 00:18:02,802 But do you remember what it was like to kiss him for the first time? 221 00:18:04,967 --> 00:18:08,596 That magic moment when everything changed? 222 00:18:19,407 --> 00:18:20,965 Fancy a beer? 223 00:18:38,007 --> 00:18:41,158 I say I'm sorry 224 00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:43,960 But you won't forgive me 225 00:18:44,007 --> 00:18:46,999 You say that you're never mad 226 00:18:47,047 --> 00:18:50,198 But your anger fills up the room 227 00:18:50,247 --> 00:18:53,080 I've tried to find you 228 00:18:53,127 --> 00:18:55,846 And send you some money 229 00:18:55,887 --> 00:18:58,606 You think that it's funny 230 00:18:58,647 --> 00:19:03,767 And you laugh at me with all of your friends 231 00:19:07,967 --> 00:19:10,197 I've tried to reach you 232 00:19:10,247 --> 00:19:13,398 But I can't find your number... 233 00:19:31,967 --> 00:19:33,764 TO Y SQUEAKS 234 00:19:36,727 --> 00:19:39,002 DOG GROWLS 235 00:19:47,207 --> 00:19:51,200 DISTANT SCREAMING AND BANGING ON TV 236 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:56,081 (Walter) Is that you, Maxxie? > 237 00:20:02,167 --> 00:20:04,635 It's the dog, I'm telling you. 238 00:21:03,927 --> 00:21:08,842 PLAINTIVE KEYBOARD MUSIC 239 00:21:15,887 --> 00:21:20,961 MUSIC SUDDENLY LOUD 240 00:21:31,727 --> 00:21:32,716 DOOR SLAMS 241 00:21:32,767 --> 00:21:35,156 (Maxxie) Hey, Dad. Night. > 242 00:22:26,567 --> 00:22:28,558 MOBILE RINGS 243 00:22:38,367 --> 00:22:39,686 (Lucy) 'Underpants. 244 00:22:41,767 --> 00:22:43,041 'To the mirror. 245 00:22:46,167 --> 00:22:47,156 'Cupboard. 246 00:22:50,487 --> 00:22:51,476 'Trousers. 247 00:22:54,047 --> 00:22:55,241 'Back to the mirror.' 248 00:22:57,407 --> 00:22:58,965 Aftershave. 249 00:22:59,007 --> 00:23:01,282 SQUIRTING 250 00:23:03,327 --> 00:23:04,316 Mirror again. 251 00:23:28,967 --> 00:23:31,435 Lucy? That you, love? > 252 00:23:33,407 --> 00:23:34,886 Lucy? > 253 00:23:36,927 --> 00:23:38,440 Yes, Mum. 254 00:23:39,447 --> 00:23:41,403 I need a hand in here. > 255 00:23:43,967 --> 00:23:45,446 Jesus, Mum! What happened? 256 00:23:45,487 --> 00:23:48,763 When you weren't back when you said, I thought you'd gone to bed. 257 00:23:48,807 --> 00:23:50,559 But I wanted to check and... 258 00:23:50,607 --> 00:23:52,359 Am I wet? 259 00:23:52,407 --> 00:23:54,204 I'm wet, aren't I? 260 00:24:02,167 --> 00:24:04,317 - Did you spend the night with him, love? - Don't. 261 00:24:07,127 --> 00:24:10,756 - Let's get these wet clothes off. - No, wait. Better give me a pain pill first. 262 00:24:13,047 --> 00:24:14,560 Better make it two. 263 00:24:14,607 --> 00:24:16,962 No. The doctor said. 264 00:24:17,007 --> 00:24:19,919 They're emetics. I don't want you vomiting. 265 00:24:23,167 --> 00:24:25,078 You're a good girl. 266 00:24:25,127 --> 00:24:27,641 < Maxxie's lucky to have you. 267 00:24:32,847 --> 00:24:33,836 Mum... 268 00:24:35,247 --> 00:24:37,238 ...I've got something to tell you. 269 00:24:39,007 --> 00:24:40,963 It was my fault. 270 00:24:41,007 --> 00:24:42,360 I was stupid. 271 00:24:43,847 --> 00:24:48,125 I wanted to be alone, so I went and sat in one of the bedrooms upstairs. 272 00:24:48,167 --> 00:24:49,725 And Bruce... 273 00:24:49,767 --> 00:24:52,645 Mr Gelpart, the drama teacher... 274 00:24:52,687 --> 00:24:56,202 he came in and asked whether I wanted comforting. 275 00:24:56,247 --> 00:24:58,363 And I didn't say no. 276 00:24:58,407 --> 00:25:01,240 It was his party and his house, so... 277 00:25:02,287 --> 00:25:04,801 And it was just his hands. 278 00:25:04,847 --> 00:25:07,441 Mr Gelpart's hands. 279 00:25:07,487 --> 00:25:12,038 I mean, he... didn't make me touch him or put his anything near me. 280 00:25:12,087 --> 00:25:14,726 Just kissed me on the cheek... 281 00:25:14,767 --> 00:25:16,564 and kept kissing me 282 00:25:16,607 --> 00:25:19,246 and rubbing his hands over me. 283 00:25:19,287 --> 00:25:21,562 And he said I was great... 284 00:25:21,607 --> 00:25:23,757 because I had little tits. 285 00:25:23,807 --> 00:25:25,923 "Almost like a boy," he said. 286 00:25:27,687 --> 00:25:31,726 And that was it. He didn't even touch any other part of me. > 287 00:25:32,807 --> 00:25:34,479 Just my cheek... 288 00:25:34,527 --> 00:25:35,801 and my tits. 289 00:25:40,407 --> 00:25:44,639 Right. Cheek and tits. Right. 290 00:25:44,687 --> 00:25:46,325 Right. 291 00:25:47,327 --> 00:25:48,555 < Tits. 292 00:25:49,887 --> 00:25:50,876 Right. 293 00:25:50,927 --> 00:25:52,838 Oh, dear! 294 00:26:24,927 --> 00:26:28,363 I heard he got his cock out and there's a tattoo on it of Harry Potter, 295 00:26:28,407 --> 00:26:32,195 and he starts shouting at Sketch, "Kiss Harry to make him magic!" 296 00:26:32,247 --> 00:26:34,841 Drama teachers, man. "Pretend to be a tree." 297 00:26:34,887 --> 00:26:36,957 "But I'm not a tree." "Well, pretend." 298 00:26:37,007 --> 00:26:39,362 Fucking perverts, the lot of 'em! 299 00:26:45,167 --> 00:26:46,759 Is it true? 300 00:26:48,367 --> 00:26:49,720 Yeah. It's true. 301 00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:56,397 Oh! That creep! That fucking animal! I'm so sorry, Sketch. 302 00:26:57,727 --> 00:27:03,563 I'm the one who should be sorry. I wasn't going to say anything, but my mum insisted and... 303 00:27:03,607 --> 00:27:06,041 Have I ruined everything? The play and... 304 00:27:06,087 --> 00:27:09,477 Fuck the play! Come and sit with us. 305 00:27:14,847 --> 00:27:16,758 That's grown up, Tony. 306 00:27:16,807 --> 00:27:18,843 I've finished. That's all. 307 00:27:29,047 --> 00:27:30,765 What you doing, you tramp? 308 00:27:35,207 --> 00:27:38,882 - (Anwar) In my culture, we share our food. - Michelle's got a new friend, then. 309 00:27:38,927 --> 00:27:40,724 (Maxxie) Yeah. 310 00:27:40,767 --> 00:27:44,316 (Anwar) It's a saveloy, man. It draws me in. It's the devil's plaything. 311 00:27:44,367 --> 00:27:46,323 It's an aphrodisiac, too, I've heard. 312 00:27:48,207 --> 00:27:52,166 (Michelle) Come on, Sketch. We can do better than these two. Let's go. 313 00:28:21,607 --> 00:28:25,282 BUZZER SOUNDS REPEATEDLY 314 00:28:25,327 --> 00:28:27,238 'Sketch? ' 315 00:28:27,287 --> 00:28:28,640 Sketch! 316 00:28:30,287 --> 00:28:32,278 (Mum) 'Who is this? ' 317 00:28:32,327 --> 00:28:34,682 Who's this? Who are you? 318 00:28:34,727 --> 00:28:37,924 I've had enough of you kids playing. Leave us alone! 319 00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:41,039 'What? Look! Do you have a daughter at the school? ' 320 00:28:41,087 --> 00:28:43,043 None of your business. Leave us alone! 321 00:28:43,087 --> 00:28:47,638 'I need to know! This is important. Look, my name's Maxxie.' 322 00:28:47,687 --> 00:28:49,723 Your name's Maxxie? 323 00:28:49,767 --> 00:28:51,120 'Yeah.' 324 00:28:51,167 --> 00:28:52,680 Maxxie in the school play? 325 00:28:54,687 --> 00:28:56,723 Maxxie who's dating my daughter? 326 00:28:59,847 --> 00:29:03,476 - What?! - What are you even doing answering the door? 327 00:29:03,527 --> 00:29:05,404 - The disgrace! - Disgrace? 328 00:29:05,447 --> 00:29:09,360 Lies, all lies! A boyfriend? No, you haven't. In the musical? No, you haven't. 329 00:29:09,407 --> 00:29:12,717 After all I've done for you, you fucking... you fucking... 330 00:29:14,647 --> 00:29:16,683 Oh, my God! The drama teacher! 331 00:29:16,727 --> 00:29:19,002 You've lied about him, too, haven't you? 332 00:29:20,327 --> 00:29:22,636 Well, I'm not gonna let you ruin a man's life. 333 00:29:25,407 --> 00:29:28,922 Ow! No! I didn't bring you up to be a liar! 334 00:29:28,967 --> 00:29:32,198 You didn't bring me up at all, you fucking... cripple! 335 00:29:39,727 --> 00:29:40,921 So... what? 336 00:29:42,447 --> 00:29:46,042 You going to keep holding me to the bed all day and all night, are you? 337 00:29:47,967 --> 00:29:50,561 Whatever trouble you're in, I'll support you. 338 00:29:50,607 --> 00:29:52,438 But this is a man's life. 339 00:29:57,807 --> 00:30:02,005 It's for your own good. Crawling out of bed isn't good for you. 340 00:30:03,647 --> 00:30:07,606 I will not... let you fuck up my life, Mum. 341 00:30:07,647 --> 00:30:08,841 OK? 342 00:30:27,087 --> 00:30:28,520 DOOR CLOSES 343 00:30:28,567 --> 00:30:30,398 Lucy? 344 00:30:31,767 --> 00:30:33,359 Lucy! 345 00:30:37,327 --> 00:30:41,718 Just time to say the things I must 346 00:30:43,487 --> 00:30:48,322 Before my hopes all turn to dust 347 00:30:48,967 --> 00:30:51,276 Now nothing seems to matter 348 00:30:51,327 --> 00:30:54,797 And every word is true 349 00:30:54,847 --> 00:30:57,486 When I say I'm blown away 350 00:30:57,527 --> 00:30:59,836 With you 351 00:31:01,727 --> 00:31:04,446 (Sketch) Then came the day 352 00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:06,717 You blew me away 353 00:31:06,767 --> 00:31:09,645 (Chorus) Osama blew them away 354 00:31:11,007 --> 00:31:14,124 What can I say? 355 00:31:14,167 --> 00:31:16,078 (Sketch) You blew me away 356 00:31:16,127 --> 00:31:18,243 And now I'm falling... 357 00:31:18,287 --> 00:31:19,640 (Chorus) Now I'm falling 358 00:31:19,687 --> 00:31:21,598 (Sketch) We're falling... 359 00:31:22,967 --> 00:31:24,605 In love 360 00:31:33,087 --> 00:31:36,045 (Chris) Ah, the magic of the stage! The thrill of anticipation! 361 00:31:36,087 --> 00:31:38,726 I feel like a Roman about to throw a lion at the Christians. 362 00:31:38,767 --> 00:31:40,325 Chris, it's a school musical. 363 00:31:40,367 --> 00:31:43,279 (Chris) But who do you think would win between Maxxie and a lion? 364 00:31:43,327 --> 00:31:46,797 (Tannoy) 'Osama The Musical, this is your half-hour call.' 365 00:31:48,527 --> 00:31:50,518 Do you want to help me get dressed? 366 00:31:51,567 --> 00:31:54,001 You want me to look good, don't you? 367 00:31:56,247 --> 00:31:58,886 - You nervous? - Oh, God! On a scale of one to... 368 00:31:58,927 --> 00:32:00,645 Oh, fuck scales, I'm shitting it! 369 00:32:00,687 --> 00:32:02,962 You're gonna be so good. 370 00:32:03,007 --> 00:32:05,157 I'm under-rehearsed and shit! 371 00:32:05,207 --> 00:32:07,846 Do you want something to get you through it? 372 00:32:09,087 --> 00:32:12,159 - What have you got? - Pills of my mum's. 373 00:32:18,367 --> 00:32:21,165 You need to take three to get a decent hit. 374 00:32:21,207 --> 00:32:23,596 Anti-anxieties. They'll chill you out. 375 00:32:24,807 --> 00:32:27,196 Go on, I'd love to help you out. 376 00:32:29,927 --> 00:32:31,519 OK, thanks. 377 00:32:42,407 --> 00:32:45,160 RETCHING AND VOMITING 378 00:32:51,207 --> 00:32:53,038 My mother was right! 379 00:32:53,087 --> 00:32:57,046 "Do science," she said, "Do science. Science makes sense." 380 00:32:57,087 --> 00:33:00,284 But the lights drew me... like a moth to a flame. 381 00:33:02,687 --> 00:33:05,406 Right! Nothing for it. Cancellation o'clock. 382 00:33:05,447 --> 00:33:07,358 I know the words! 383 00:33:08,527 --> 00:33:10,245 - What?! - You do? 384 00:33:12,607 --> 00:33:14,086 Oh, my God! 385 00:33:14,127 --> 00:33:17,483 I've been helping her learn them. I know them all. 386 00:33:17,527 --> 00:33:19,677 I think you just saved my Welsh rarebit. 387 00:33:21,247 --> 00:33:23,283 Let's get you into costume. > 388 00:33:26,807 --> 00:33:30,402 We're over ten minutes late now. It's time for action. 389 00:33:37,287 --> 00:33:42,315 If Rome won't go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will clap until it does. 390 00:33:46,647 --> 00:33:49,923 - Hi, Tony. - That's someone's seat. 391 00:33:49,967 --> 00:33:52,481 Yes, honey, it's for your queen bee. 392 00:33:52,527 --> 00:33:53,755 Zzzzzz! 393 00:33:55,207 --> 00:33:56,799 MUSIC STARTS 394 00:33:56,847 --> 00:33:58,519 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 395 00:33:58,567 --> 00:34:00,000 Works every time. 396 00:34:03,807 --> 00:34:09,165 We-e-e-e-e-e're... 397 00:34:09,207 --> 00:34:13,678 The last of the superpowers 398 00:34:13,727 --> 00:34:16,799 George Dubya is our leader 399 00:34:16,847 --> 00:34:20,601 We've still got both Twin Towers 400 00:34:20,647 --> 00:34:23,684 Never heard of Al-Qaeda 401 00:34:23,727 --> 00:34:27,402 It's September 11th 402 00:34:27,447 --> 00:34:30,120 Just another day 403 00:34:30,167 --> 00:34:34,240 In a tower in downtown heaven 404 00:34:34,287 --> 00:34:36,198 New York City 405 00:34:37,767 --> 00:34:39,325 U S of A 406 00:34:47,167 --> 00:34:49,920 Today will be better 407 00:34:49,967 --> 00:34:52,606 Today will be the one 408 00:34:52,647 --> 00:34:54,956 Today is no red letter 409 00:34:55,007 --> 00:34:57,396 It's out there to be won 410 00:34:57,447 --> 00:34:59,915 Today my sun is shining 411 00:34:59,967 --> 00:35:02,003 Today is somewhere new 412 00:35:02,047 --> 00:35:04,686 Today's a silver lining 413 00:35:04,727 --> 00:35:07,685 Today will see me through 414 00:35:07,727 --> 00:35:09,718 Today will be better 415 00:35:09,767 --> 00:35:12,327 Today will be the one 416 00:35:12,367 --> 00:35:14,756 Today is no red letter 417 00:35:14,807 --> 00:35:17,480 It's out there to be won 418 00:35:17,527 --> 00:35:19,279 Today you'll know I love you 419 00:35:19,327 --> 00:35:22,080 Today you'll see it's true 420 00:35:22,127 --> 00:35:25,278 Today's a day for saying "I love you" 421 00:35:28,927 --> 00:35:32,556 - What a swell day to live in America! - Gee, it sure is, buddy! 422 00:35:37,487 --> 00:35:39,398 How much d'you make today? 423 00:35:39,447 --> 00:35:43,759 - (Boy) One million bucks! - (Boy 2) Did you see the Wall Street Journal? 424 00:35:43,807 --> 00:35:47,322 - (Girl) Stocks are rising! Have a nice day! - (Girl 2) Have a nice day! 425 00:35:47,367 --> 00:35:49,164 TAP DANCING 426 00:35:57,407 --> 00:35:59,716 (Chorus) Today will be better 427 00:35:59,767 --> 00:36:02,600 Today will be the one... 428 00:36:04,047 --> 00:36:06,720 DOOR OPENS 429 00:36:06,767 --> 00:36:09,156 - Michelle? - I'm in here, Tony. 430 00:36:09,207 --> 00:36:11,880 TOILET DOOR CLOSES 431 00:36:13,047 --> 00:36:14,526 Don't come in. 432 00:36:14,567 --> 00:36:16,239 I've got vomit in my hair. 433 00:36:24,927 --> 00:36:26,918 I just searched half the school for you. 434 00:36:28,567 --> 00:36:30,046 I don't know why. 435 00:36:31,447 --> 00:36:33,517 Because you care about me. 436 00:36:35,807 --> 00:36:39,436 I told you I loved you, didn't I? The day it happened. 437 00:36:39,487 --> 00:36:40,806 The accident. 438 00:36:43,887 --> 00:36:47,562 Do you actually remember, or is that a guess? 439 00:36:47,607 --> 00:36:50,883 Does it matter? Doesn't change anything. 440 00:36:53,767 --> 00:36:54,756 No. 441 00:36:58,087 --> 00:37:00,123 Should I say something else now? 442 00:37:02,047 --> 00:37:03,082 No. 443 00:37:05,007 --> 00:37:06,838 Let's just say nothing for a bit. 444 00:37:09,007 --> 00:37:10,918 SONG IN MUSICAL ENDS 445 00:37:10,967 --> 00:37:12,958 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 446 00:37:25,007 --> 00:37:29,080 - Michelle! Is Chelle OK? - I gave her some mild stuff to make her vomit. 447 00:37:29,127 --> 00:37:31,766 From the look of her waist, I'm sure she's thrown up worse. 448 00:37:31,807 --> 00:37:33,638 Who the fuck are you? 449 00:37:33,687 --> 00:37:35,882 Do you believe in magic, Maxxie? 450 00:37:37,687 --> 00:37:38,802 When we kiss... 451 00:37:38,847 --> 00:37:40,166 When we kiss... 452 00:37:40,207 --> 00:37:42,801 I'm gay! Do you understand that?! 453 00:37:42,847 --> 00:37:46,123 Look at me! I'm as close to a boy as you can get! 454 00:37:46,167 --> 00:37:48,123 You could love me. 455 00:37:49,207 --> 00:37:50,799 < We could love each other. 456 00:37:50,847 --> 00:37:52,326 You're fucking crazy! 457 00:37:52,367 --> 00:37:54,323 Excuse me. Excuse me. 458 00:37:54,367 --> 00:37:56,927 (Chorus)... You put it all together and what have you got? 459 00:37:56,967 --> 00:38:00,357 You can't help it, can't get it enough 460 00:38:00,407 --> 00:38:02,716 I'm Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Let's get stuffedl 461 00:38:02,767 --> 00:38:05,839 (Chorus) He's the Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Watch him move... 462 00:38:05,887 --> 00:38:08,447 You see? Just like a boy. 463 00:38:09,447 --> 00:38:12,837 Can you feel how hard my heart is beating? 464 00:38:12,887 --> 00:38:15,720 That's because by the end of this play, you'll have kissed me. 465 00:38:15,767 --> 00:38:20,318 And when you kiss me, everything will change. Maxxie, I love you. 466 00:38:20,367 --> 00:38:22,483 EXPLOSION 467 00:38:22,527 --> 00:38:24,722 SCREAMING 468 00:38:27,047 --> 00:38:29,561 EXPLOSION AND SCREAMING 469 00:38:40,527 --> 00:38:42,757 That's our cue. 470 00:38:44,447 --> 00:38:47,041 PIANO PLAYS 471 00:38:50,607 --> 00:38:56,079 Once I was a lonely banker 472 00:38:56,127 --> 00:39:01,042 All I cared for were margins and accounts 473 00:39:02,767 --> 00:39:04,405 I dreamed 474 00:39:04,447 --> 00:39:08,804 Of Dow Jones and the FTSE 475 00:39:08,847 --> 00:39:14,558 I didn't see my credit running out 476 00:39:15,247 --> 00:39:20,685 I passed you on the phone each morning 477 00:39:21,287 --> 00:39:26,919 I always gave a cheery smile 478 00:39:26,967 --> 00:39:29,322 But you 479 00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:32,439 You never even saw me 480 00:39:33,447 --> 00:39:38,885 You were far too busy all the while 481 00:39:40,207 --> 00:39:44,883 Then came the day Osama blew us away 482 00:39:44,927 --> 00:39:48,602 (Chorus) Osama blew them away 483 00:39:48,647 --> 00:39:53,675 And now you know how I feel 484 00:39:55,727 --> 00:40:00,357 (Chorus) Then came the day Osama blew us away 485 00:40:00,407 --> 00:40:04,195 Osama blew them away 486 00:40:04,247 --> 00:40:09,116 Then came the day Osama blew us away 487 00:40:09,167 --> 00:40:13,285 Osama blew them away 488 00:40:13,327 --> 00:40:18,321 Then came the day Osama blew us away 489 00:40:18,367 --> 00:40:19,402 Osama blew them... 490 00:40:19,447 --> 00:40:21,483 (Maxxie) Nothing. 491 00:40:21,527 --> 00:40:25,156 I felt... nothing. 492 00:40:26,247 --> 00:40:27,885 You disgust me. 493 00:40:32,247 --> 00:40:35,796 No! That's not how it goes! It's not! It's not! 494 00:40:35,847 --> 00:40:39,726 You think you can fuck my life up and I'll start fancying you? 495 00:40:39,767 --> 00:40:42,201 Look at yourself. 496 00:40:42,247 --> 00:40:43,805 Stay out of my life. 497 00:41:21,007 --> 00:41:22,235 Now, that's an ending! 498 00:41:26,927 --> 00:41:28,599 SHE SCREAMS 499 00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:45,719 Must be the crazy blood in me 500 00:41:45,767 --> 00:41:49,316 Makes me feel like I do 501 00:41:50,567 --> 00:41:54,276 So mean and evil 502 00:41:55,887 --> 00:41:59,323 So low down and blue 503 00:41:59,367 --> 00:42:04,282 If you see me comin' 504 00:42:04,327 --> 00:42:08,957 Better turn and look away 505 00:42:09,007 --> 00:42:13,364 If I get too close to you 506 00:42:13,407 --> 00:42:16,240 Better close your eyes 507 00:42:16,287 --> 00:42:20,724 Can't go on this way... 508 00:42:30,567 --> 00:42:32,364 You look beautiful. 509 00:42:38,487 --> 00:42:41,126 < You always look beautiful to me. 510 00:42:41,167 --> 00:42:44,557 ...So mean and evil 511 00:42:44,607 --> 00:42:47,360 So low down 512 00:42:47,407 --> 00:42:51,798 And blue 513 00:42:57,287 --> 00:42:59,403 Argh! Fuck! 514 00:43:01,287 --> 00:43:02,766 Oh. Hi. 515 00:43:05,847 --> 00:43:06,836 Hi. 516 00:43:10,007 --> 00:43:10,996 Hi. 517 00:43:11,047 --> 00:43:13,277 - Can I come in? - Uh... 518 00:43:14,287 --> 00:43:15,720 Well, um... 519 00:43:15,767 --> 00:43:17,962 Maxxie says you're a psycho. 520 00:43:19,927 --> 00:43:21,645 He thinks I fancy him. 521 00:43:21,687 --> 00:43:24,565 I don't. I fancy you. 522 00:43:24,607 --> 00:43:28,885 I wanna have sex with you. But I can't do it from out here, can I? 523 00:43:29,967 --> 00:43:32,879 Shit, man! Biology revision, here I come! 524 00:43:40,687 --> 00:43:41,915 I'm a virgin. 525 00:43:41,967 --> 00:43:43,958 Oh. Congratulations. 526 00:43:48,047 --> 00:43:51,722 You mind if I list the complete filmography of Hugh Grant since '92? 527 00:43:53,887 --> 00:43:55,366 Slow things down. 528 00:44:00,647 --> 00:44:01,875 Bitter Moon. 529 00:44:03,087 --> 00:44:05,123 Remains Of The Day. 530 00:44:05,167 --> 00:44:07,965 Sirens. Four Weddings. 531 00:44:08,007 --> 00:44:11,283 An Awfully Big Adventure - that one was rubbish. 532 00:44:12,367 --> 00:44:14,119 The Englishman Who Came... 533 00:44:14,167 --> 00:44:16,237 Came Up A Hill... 534 00:44:16,287 --> 00:44:18,721 And Went Down A Mountain. 535 00:44:18,767 --> 00:44:21,076 Nine Months. Sense... 536 00:44:21,127 --> 00:44:23,083 And Sensibil... 537 00:44:25,327 --> 00:44:28,319 Restoration. Extreme Measures. 538 00:44:28,367 --> 00:44:32,246 Ah... Notting Hill. Mickey Blue Eyes. 539 00:44:32,287 --> 00:44:34,323 Small Time Crooks. 540 00:44:34,367 --> 00:44:36,323 Bridget Jones! Ah! 541 00:44:37,967 --> 00:44:39,719 Bridget... Jones! 542 00:44:39,767 --> 00:44:40,916 Ah! 543 00:44:40,967 --> 00:44:42,685 Oh! 544 00:44:42,727 --> 00:44:44,206 Oh! 545 00:44:44,247 --> 00:44:45,680 Ah... 546 00:44:47,447 --> 00:44:49,403 I never get as far as About A Boy. 547 00:44:49,453 --> 00:44:54,003 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39139

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