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1
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:07,924
[birds chirping]
2
00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:09,634
[bell dings]
3
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,103
This feels just so right.
4
00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:25,942
♪ Turkey leg, chicken leg, turkey leg
Turkey, turkey, turkey leg ♪
5
00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:27,444
♪ Chicken leg, chicken leg... ♪
6
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:30,613
-You sing that song a lot.
-Sure do.
7
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:32,907
♪ Chicken leg, turkey leg ♪
8
00:00:32,990 --> 00:00:36,203
♪ Chicken leg, turkey leg, chicken leg ♪
9
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:40,623
It's so fun, you know,
just noticing all these things about you,
10
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:45,087
uh, now that we've lived together
for seven-and-a-half days.
11
00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:48,215
-I'm gonna go take a shower.
-Don't take too long.
12
00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:51,384
I won't, my cinnamon sugar boba bodkin.
13
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:58,766
♪ Turkey leg, chicken leg
Turkey leg, chicken leg ♪
14
00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:00,352
Whoa, that was fast.
15
00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:01,853
We're in a drought, Scott.
16
00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:04,856
It's not just the almond industry
that needs to change its methods.
17
00:01:07,359 --> 00:01:09,694
-You thirsty?
-No, I think I'm good.
18
00:01:09,777 --> 00:01:10,862
Okay.
19
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:18,120
Oh. Whoa. Ah, ah, ah. Oh.
20
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:20,288
[Bert] Why is she avoiding her pixilation?
21
00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:22,290
[Blueberry] Because she's body positive.
22
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,710
Do you want a towel, maybe?
23
00:01:25,793 --> 00:01:29,547
Don't need one. Drip dry.
It's fun, and it's carbon neutral.
24
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:32,467
[Bert] It's my own personal
slip and slide.
25
00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:33,885
Whee!
26
00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,678
-[raccoon chitters]
-Oh, hey!
27
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:38,515
It's Randall,
the raccoon I've been telling you about.
28
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,683
He's so cute.
29
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,146
Once I gave him this raspberry, and
he rolled it around in his little hands.
30
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:47,064
And it was almost like he was
trying to do close-up magic.
31
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:49,526
Maybe he was trying
to pull rabies out of your ear.
32
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,653
Randall would never do that.
33
00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:53,655
He's not that type of raccoon.
He's totally cool.
34
00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:58,118
You know you're not doing a wild animal
any favors by feeding it, right?
35
00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:01,246
Absolutely. Ugh.
36
00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:05,750
I only gave him
that one raspberry that one time.
37
00:02:05,833 --> 00:02:08,461
Randall, I made it just for you.
38
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,548
You know what I'm thankful for?
Your friendship.
39
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:15,051
Happy birthday, Randall.
It's your favorite.
40
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,012
It's mollusk-oyster-sardine cake.
41
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,766
I'm so glad we had this... this talk.
42
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,685
[chuckles] Gotta go.
43
00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:27,647
Whoo!
44
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:29,732
[theme music playing]
45
00:02:36,864 --> 00:02:39,409
I'm a pterodactyl!
46
00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,078
Corn!
47
00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:50,378
Randall. Bandido magnifico!
48
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,589
Aye, aye, aye, aye.
49
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,594
Aye, aye, aye, aye!
50
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:09,606
Don't tell Scott.
51
00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:13,276
And yet, there are no secrets
in this family.
52
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:15,903
[chittering]
53
00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:21,659
♪ Turkey leg, turkey leg, turk... ♪
54
00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:26,706
What the fuck happened here?
55
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,128
Oh, shit.
56
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:39,511
That raccoon's in here, isn't he?
57
00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:42,096
-[Bert] No comment.
-[Blueberry] I'll tell you what happened.
58
00:03:42,179 --> 00:03:43,473
[Bert] Zip it, princess.
59
00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,393
Shit.
60
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:57,362
-Bruce, you wanted to see me?
-Ah, yes. Come in, come in.
61
00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:59,322
-All right.
-Thank you so much for coming.
62
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:01,658
You look good.
Beachy, one might even say.
63
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,160
Apparently, cohabitation agrees
with my queen.
64
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,455
I'm so, so, so, so, so,
so, so, so, so lucky.
65
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:09,957
Living with Scott, my best friend.
66
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:15,505
And we just sing the same two words
over and over again to different melodies.
67
00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:18,258
Just over, and over, and over,
and over, and over and over again.
68
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:23,388
[chuckles] I'm lucky.
I'm very, very, very, very lucky.
69
00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:24,806
Yes. Yes, absolutely.
70
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,642
Coupling up, extremely important.
Absolutely.
71
00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:29,852
But let us not forget
the third wheels in this life,
72
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,480
for they are the wheels
that give one stability.
73
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,816
Exhibit A, the glorious tricycle.
74
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:37,485
Bruce, you bought me a tricycle?
75
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:39,236
God, no. This is for me. It's mine.
76
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:43,408
Yes, Excelsior's been a real godsend to me
since I had to give up the van.
77
00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:46,494
Look, my therapist said
I should just come out and say it.
78
00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:49,664
-Are you firing me?
-[chuckling] I'm not firing you, Bruce.
79
00:04:49,747 --> 00:04:53,250
Oh, thank the Lord.
[sighs] I'm so relieved.
80
00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:56,170
I had this whole speech planned
about third wheels and tricycles.
81
00:04:56,253 --> 00:04:58,047
Yeah, I'm so sorry
I haven't been in touch.
82
00:04:58,130 --> 00:05:02,344
I'm finally in a healthy relationship,
and my mentals are pretty stable.
83
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:06,306
And I just feel like I wanna spend time
focusing on my personal life,
84
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,891
and even less focused
on career than ever. [chuckles]
85
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,685
So, is this code that you want a movie?
86
00:05:10,768 --> 00:05:14,021
Because Judd keeps calling.
I mean, at least I think it's Judd.
87
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,399
I usually wind up
just hanging up the phone out of fear.
88
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,692
Bruce, I really don't want a movie.
89
00:05:17,775 --> 00:05:20,528
I just want a quiet life
with just enough work.
90
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,405
I'm happy just the way I am.
91
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:26,242
Oh, sweet relief! You're just in love.
That's all it is.
92
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,620
I understand.
It robs people of all ambition.
93
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:31,748
Makes your blood lazy.
I relate to that from my own life.
94
00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:34,542
I remember I didn't change my bike shorts
for almost two months.
95
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:38,045
It's pretty great. [laughs]
96
00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:43,843
I'm lucky. So, so, so, so, so,
so, so, so, so, so, so, so lucky.
97
00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:47,972
No movies, I understand.
Post-it in place.
98
00:05:48,055 --> 00:05:51,142
Great.
Bruce, I'm so glad we had this talk.
99
00:05:51,225 --> 00:05:52,560
Absolutely.
100
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,272
-[intercom beeps]
-Chantrelle?
101
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:59,442
Red alert. We've gotta get Maria a movie.
She's leaving me.
102
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:02,445
[Judd] Bruce, this is Judd.
You know which one.
103
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,113
-Oh!
-You've had me on hold for an hour.
104
00:06:04,196 --> 00:06:06,198
[Maria] It felt good
to be back on track with Bruce.
105
00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:08,826
Taking care of me, my mind and body.
106
00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:11,746
Oh, wait. What's this?
107
00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,918
[breathes deeply]
108
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:22,840
[inhales deeply]
109
00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:28,179
[exhales]
110
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,267
[inhales deeply]
111
00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:38,815
Are you sensing my aura?
112
00:06:40,274 --> 00:06:42,652
It's quite different now, don't you think?
113
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:43,820
I guess. What, uh...
114
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:47,364
Um, how long is this gonna be taking?
'Cause I have...
115
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,576
I own my aura.
116
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,286
I own this town.
117
00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:58,626
I also own a huge piece of Elon Musk's
new streaming service Muskvision
118
00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:00,587
as a settlement for my car accident.
119
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,839
You read about my car accident
in the trades, right?
120
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:04,507
[Maria] I think so.
121
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:09,554
[Karen] I was heading home from
the Westworld Season 3 premiere party.
122
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,890
You know what's at the center
of that fucking maze? Boredom.
123
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:15,392
Anyway, my Tesla reminded me
I was out of creamer,
124
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:18,480
so I sent my other Tesla
to go get some at Gelson's.
125
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,649
Not that fucking gross one
in West Hollywood. Ew!
126
00:07:22,274 --> 00:07:24,235
The real nice one. It's on San Vicente.
127
00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:27,697
Next thing I know,
my motherfucking goddamn self-driving car
128
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:30,366
goes fucking Broken Arrow on me.
What the fuck?
129
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,244
$100,000 piece of shit.
130
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:42,629
-[crashing]
-[screaming] Fuck you, Elon Musk!
131
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,923
And I get creamed all over my face.
132
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,680
[sirens wailing]
133
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:57,184
[Maria] That's horrible. I'm so sorry.
134
00:07:57,268 --> 00:08:00,396
It was a full-face shot.
And now, I'm a changed woman.
135
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,983
I went full-on, wide-open-cunt spiritual.
136
00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,611
-Oh, boy.
-When I was in the hospital,
137
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:09,906
I thought to myself,
"Who else got creamed like this?"
138
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:15,537
And one name popped right into my head:
Maria motherfucking Bamford.
139
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:20,291
My body got creamed,
just like your brain got creamed.
140
00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:23,460
We're the same.
Except that my scars are on the outside.
141
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,713
But I took aloe, and now they're gone.
142
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:28,299
I want us to work together again, Maria.
143
00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:30,802
I want to tell the story
of your fucking life
144
00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,887
in bingeable fucking installments.
145
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:35,389
So, what do you say, Maria?
Let's change the fucking world.
146
00:08:35,472 --> 00:08:39,727
Here's how we do it.
Minority directors. All-female crew.
147
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:43,147
You will shoot for four hours a day.
Eight hours of napping.
148
00:08:43,230 --> 00:08:44,982
Twelve cameras, six will be on dogs.
149
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:47,109
-Where's my fucking dog?
-[dog barks]
150
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,319
-Meet Tucker.
-[Maria] Oh!
151
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:50,947
Your new D-O-G-D-P.
The D-O-G stands for "dog."
152
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:53,991
The D-P stands for
"director of photography."
153
00:08:55,492 --> 00:08:56,953
-Is he union?
-Fuck yes!
154
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,871
-Okay.
-This little rug pisser
155
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,165
was in a kill shelter.
There was a needle in his neck.
156
00:09:01,248 --> 00:09:03,125
Now he's a fucking teamster.
157
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,461
His brother Caramel
was the Steadicam operator
158
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:06,546
for the pilot of Black-ish.
159
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,923
We will use recycled hard drives
for the cameras.
160
00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:11,050
Locally-sourced greens for craft services.
161
00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:13,636
Ex-gang members
will be running the day care center.
162
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:17,389
Your life story will be told
with such tenderness and attentiveness
163
00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:19,100
that we will end women's homelessness.
164
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:22,645
It will be so unbelievably inventive
and groundbreaking in its comedy,
165
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:25,439
that alt-comedy Twitter
will choke on its own jizz.
166
00:09:25,522 --> 00:09:28,525
And here is the cherry
on the streaming sundae.
167
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:33,239
We will focus on mental illness
and we will destigmatize it forever!
168
00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:34,365
-Yes!
-[growls]
169
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:36,325
[screams and growls]
170
00:09:36,408 --> 00:09:38,786
So, what do you say, Maria?
Are you ready to change the world?
171
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:39,829
-Yes!
-Fuck, yes!
172
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:46,377
I just ask one thing from you
to show me that you are committed.
173
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:50,923
As I wear the sacred orange robes
of Ooonga Lahnga,
174
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:57,513
I ask you to don a sartorial expression
of your own power.
175
00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,849
A business robe, if you will.
176
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:02,977
The most sacred Lady Blazer.
177
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:05,104
[blazer growls]
178
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,189
Oh...
179
00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:14,196
Wait. So you're saying I can only
save the world if I put this blazer on?
180
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,322
[blazer growls]
181
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:17,241
That's the idea, Jack.
182
00:10:17,324 --> 00:10:20,662
How about it, Maria?
Are you ready to Lady Blaze?
183
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,664
[inhales sharply]
184
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,416
[inhales sharply]
185
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:27,752
Uh...
186
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:38,387
Aw.
187
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,688
[blazer growls]
188
00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:48,480
What's... What was that?
189
00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:51,734
That's your blazer expressing its power.
Now shut up.
190
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,527
[gasps]
191
00:10:53,610 --> 00:10:55,196
[machine whirring]
192
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:56,447
What's happening?
193
00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:59,200
Shut your fucking fat fucking mouth.
194
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:03,620
You're being scanned by Don Jr.
He makes all decisions for Muskvision.
195
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:06,749
[Don Jr.] Your series idea
has been approved.
196
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:12,671
You have received a 13-episode order.
Congratulations, talent.
197
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:18,094
This content will fulfill many quadrants
of our algorithm. Enjoy.
198
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,847
We haven't even pitched our idea yet.
199
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,808
Is this how streaming television works?
200
00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:27,061
It does now,
so shut your fucking fat genius mouth.
201
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:29,063
And what's the deal with that baby voice?
It's horrible.
202
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:30,189
What else can you do?
203
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:32,358
[in fancy voice]
The only other voice I can do is this one.
204
00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:36,153
Jackpot! Titties to the sky!
Namaste, motherfuckers!
205
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,905
Titties to the sky!
206
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,241
Titties to the sky.
Namaste, motherfuckers!
207
00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:41,575
[in baby voice] Namaste, motherfuckers.
208
00:11:41,658 --> 00:11:42,869
Don't do that voice.
Don't do the baby voice.
209
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,578
[in fancy voice] Namaste, motherfuckers.
210
00:11:44,661 --> 00:11:47,456
Woo-hoo! Yeehaw!
211
00:11:47,539 --> 00:11:49,876
Namaste, motherfucker.
212
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,335
[Don Jr.] Oh, yeah. Titties up.
213
00:11:51,418 --> 00:11:52,503
Titties to the sky.
214
00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:55,131
[laughs] We got ourselves
a television show.
215
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:57,674
[laughs]
216
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,098
Here, kitty, kitty.
217
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:07,601
Raccoonie. Here, raccy, raccy.
218
00:12:07,684 --> 00:12:10,146
Hi, bran muffin Bundt cake.
219
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,064
What are you doing?
A little housekeeping?
220
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:13,775
[chuckles]
221
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:16,568
It seems like
your little friend Randall, um,
222
00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:18,988
got in the house
and trashed the whole kitchen.
223
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:21,240
Oh, yeah? It doesn't look that bad.
224
00:12:21,323 --> 00:12:23,910
No. Uh, maybe that's because,
my little jelly jeans,
225
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,787
I've been spending
the last three hours cleaning it.
226
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:27,830
Oh, thank you so much.
227
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,165
[both chuckle]
228
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:30,875
-It's my pleasure.
-Yeah.
229
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,418
And now, if you have a couple of minutes,
230
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:36,088
I'd be really thankful if you can help me
lure that raccoon out of here.
231
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:41,302
Absolutely, my Icelandic fudge pop.
I know just the thing to lure him out.
232
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:45,222
Randall loves my sweet acoustic stylings.
233
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,474
[guitar strumming]
234
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:51,520
♪ Sunshine falls on your little paws ♪
235
00:12:51,603 --> 00:12:54,731
♪ You like pizza, I like dogs ♪
236
00:12:54,816 --> 00:13:01,238
♪ Except to eat, unless they're hot dogs ♪
237
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,574
He's not here. We're good.
238
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,703
You know what? [sighs]
I don't think we're good.
239
00:13:08,495 --> 00:13:11,623
-Maria, did you feed Randall today?
-No-ish.
240
00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,792
Really? I'd say yes-ish.
241
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,586
I smelled fajitas this morning.
242
00:13:15,669 --> 00:13:17,671
I looked out the window
and I saw you feeding him.
243
00:13:17,754 --> 00:13:19,298
And now we have a raccoon problem.
244
00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:22,551
I don't consider Randall a problem.
He's my friend.
245
00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:24,887
Look, that's absolutely insane, Maria.
246
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:27,098
And singing
"turkey leg, chicken leg" all day isn't?
247
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:30,977
Hey, that's my mantra.
By the way, I hate your drip dry.
248
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:33,354
-That's for the planet.
-Hey, it takes way more energy
249
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:35,356
to fix the floors
than it does to wash a towel.
250
00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:38,025
[scoffs] Okay, Mother Jones.
251
00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:39,360
We are getting rid of this raccoon,
252
00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:42,029
'cause I'm not having that thing
piss in my Cheerios.
253
00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:44,949
Randall would never do that.
He's a gentleman.
254
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:47,659
Well, this gentleman
is about to move to the country.
255
00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:50,079
And I'm gonna help him.
He'll be way happier there.
256
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:52,915
You have no idea
what would make Randall happy.
257
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,960
Mmm, well, eating, shitting, sleeping.
He's a raccoon!
258
00:13:56,043 --> 00:13:58,462
Okay. Randall's my friend.
259
00:13:58,545 --> 00:14:01,757
And if you can't live with that,
then I can't live with you!
260
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,093
Maria. Hey.
261
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:06,137
-Really?
-Yes.
262
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:07,889
You're choosing the raccoon over me?
263
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,933
Yeah. He's tons of fun
and has funny hands.
264
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:13,269
[Maria] I've never known
how to fight in a relationship.
265
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:15,771
I guess that comes
from growing up in the Midwest.
266
00:14:17,814 --> 00:14:20,484
Thank you, Barb, so much for coming over.
267
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:22,987
So, here's the deal.
268
00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:26,157
Maria has a project on women's lib
269
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,117
-in her social studies class.
-Oh.
270
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:32,038
And so, since you are a wonderful
Duluth lady entrepreneur,
271
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:34,123
I said, "Maria, you should talk to Barb.
272
00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:38,002
Because besides her day job
as a very successful Amway representative,
273
00:14:38,085 --> 00:14:40,462
she's also volunteering to raise money
274
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:43,674
for the abused women's shelter's
cake auction this weekend."
275
00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:47,303
-And we sure hope to see you there, Maria.
-Oh, unfortunately, she can't make it.
276
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:51,848
Her father insists that she go with him
to that dang model train convention,
277
00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,768
ChoochCon, or whatever
the heck the name of it is.
278
00:14:54,851 --> 00:14:56,353
-Boys and their toys.
-[laughs]
279
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:58,064
Maria, go on. Busy lady.
280
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:01,984
Uh, how does working full-time affect
your relationship with your husband?
281
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:06,113
Mmm, that's a mighty good question.
Well, I'll tell you how, Maria.
282
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:08,532
There's less relationships
happening in the bedroom.
283
00:15:08,615 --> 00:15:11,327
When Rodge comes at me
with that half-flaccid stink stick,
284
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:14,038
I say, "Hey, Rodge,
get that thing out of my face,
285
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:18,584
put a sponge on it, and do the dishes,
for criminy wickets. I'm tired from work."
286
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:21,337
[sardonic sitcom music playing]
287
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:22,588
[door opens]
288
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:25,216
-No more questions.
-Oh. Okay.
289
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:27,843
Well, the old furniture's
cleared out of the garage.
290
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,346
-Oh.
-Marilyn, you can check that off
291
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,638
your honey-do list.
292
00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:33,265
-Hey there, Joel.
-[chuckles]
293
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:34,934
[sitcom music playing]
294
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:40,772
God, this one. You would think
I asked him to cut off a limb.
295
00:15:40,856 --> 00:15:44,401
[laughs] I know which limb
I'd ask Rodge to cut off.
296
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:47,154
Ding-dong, who's there?
Just ding. No more dong.
297
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:48,614
No argument. [chuckles]
298
00:15:48,697 --> 00:15:51,825
[Marilyn] Joel, please, get a glass.
299
00:15:51,908 --> 00:15:56,788
Jeez Louise! You'd think I had two kids,
Maria and this one over here.
300
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:58,374
[laughs]
301
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:01,293
Well, I certainly do feel
like I have a mother.
302
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:02,503
[sardonic music playing]
303
00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:06,298
Well, I'll be in the garage,
rearranging my tools if anybody needs me.
304
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,635
-Great to see you, Joel.
-You too, Barb. My best to Rodge.
305
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:12,179
-For sure.
-[door opens and closes]
306
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:13,472
-[Barb] Hmm.
-[crashing]
307
00:16:13,555 --> 00:16:15,807
-Oh, my God!
-[oven dings]
308
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:18,560
Oh! French pizza bread's done,
it sounds like.
309
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,980
Delicious.
Can you get me some pop with that?
310
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:24,816
-Isn't this fun?
-Yeah.
311
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:27,903
Can't wait to see Rod Carew's face
when I present him
312
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:32,283
with these scale O model cabooses
with his face and number painted on it.
313
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:35,452
I call 'em the Rod Caboo...
Carew... The Rewd Caboose.
314
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:36,662
The Rod Carewboose.
315
00:16:36,745 --> 00:16:39,040
-Aw, fudge nickels!
-Dad, he's gonna love 'em.
316
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:42,668
-They're totally tubular to the max.
-Thanks, kiddo.
317
00:16:42,751 --> 00:16:44,920
I don't know what that means,
but it sounds positive.
318
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,798
You know, I know how much these
scale model trains mean to you,
319
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,175
and that's why I didn't bat an eye
320
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,553
when the ticket price skyrocketed
to $13 apiece,
321
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:54,471
up from $12.50.
322
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,140
Dad, you shouldn't have wasted
that money on me.
323
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:58,850
I could just go over
to the cake auction with Mom.
324
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:02,438
[scoffs] Yeah, and have you miss
your favorite day of the year?
325
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:04,940
Heck no. You know what I was thinking?
326
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,525
-Next year...
-[gasps]
327
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:10,154
...send you up to model train camp
in Baraboo. Huh?
328
00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:11,780
What do you think about that, jellybean?
329
00:17:11,863 --> 00:17:15,992
[distorted] Just six weeks of nothing
but trains, trains, trains, and what else?
330
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,037
-Trains?
-[normal] More trains.
331
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,996
Yeah! Just a lot of trains. [chuckles]
332
00:17:20,081 --> 00:17:21,998
Dad, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.
333
00:17:22,083 --> 00:17:26,002
I... I don't really like trains.
334
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,213
[train whistle blows]
335
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:31,800
What? You always get
so toot-toot-tootin' excited
336
00:17:31,883 --> 00:17:34,553
every time ChoochCon chugs into town.
337
00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:36,347
That's because you like trains,
338
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:38,682
and that means
we get to spend the day together.
339
00:17:38,765 --> 00:17:42,769
And I don't like trains.
I just love you, Dad.
340
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:48,984
Well... [sniffles]
I feel as silly as a billy goat.
341
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,487
You wanna head on over
to that cake auction,
342
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,821
you just go right ahead.
343
00:17:52,904 --> 00:17:55,116
That'd be totally awesome. [chuckles]
344
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:58,119
But let's go together.
Mom will be so pumped.
345
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,246
No, you run along and have fun.
346
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:04,708
You know what, I'm proud of you.
I'm proud you told me how you really feel.
347
00:18:04,791 --> 00:18:06,960
You're a real women's libber.
348
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,171
-Thanks, Dad.
-Mmm-hmm.
349
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:12,758
[laughs]
350
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:17,346
One in four women are victims
of severe domestic violence.
351
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:18,972
-Ooh.
-Could be me.
352
00:18:19,055 --> 00:18:22,017
You know, that fella's gonna be
a victim of Dad abuse.
353
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,353
[chuckles] The cycle
of violence continues.
354
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:25,896
Sometimes it can't end.
355
00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:29,858
-[Barb] And sold!
-[all applauding]
356
00:18:29,941 --> 00:18:32,486
Danke schön
for Candy Coombs' German chocolate cake,
357
00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:35,364
at a healthy $14.75.
358
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:38,534
Now, that is gonna buy
a lot of bandages for our gals
359
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,952
who've taken it on the chin
and elsewheres.
360
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,997
Maria, what a nice surprise.
361
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:45,707
-Thank you for joining me.
-[Barb] Up next,
362
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,710
Marilyn Bamford's
strawberry shortcake delight.
363
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:49,961
It's like a punch in the mouth.
364
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,423
Of flavor.
And that's not a backhanded compliment.
365
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:55,509
And... hibbidy-dibbidy, hibbidy-dibbidy.
366
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,428
We've got Marilyn Bamford's
strawberry shortcake.
367
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,346
Hibbidy-dibbidy. Do I see $1? $1?
368
00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:00,639
Hibbidy-dibbidy, hibbidy-dibbidy.
Nobody?
369
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:02,098
Hibbidy-dibbidy-dibbidy. 75 cents.
370
00:19:02,183 --> 00:19:05,186
Hibbidy-dibbidy. 50 cents?
50 cents? Nobody?
371
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:08,147
Oh, my God. Nobody's bidding for her cake.
I feel so terrible for her.
372
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:11,567
Oh, my God. That's awful.
Uh, hibbidy-dibbidy-hibbidy. 12 cents?
373
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:16,280
No bid for Marilyn Bamford's cake
that she worked so hard on all week?
374
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,699
-Oh, this is so embarrassing.
-Hibbidy-dibbidy. No bid? No bid?
375
00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:20,576
-No bid. No... no bid.
-[all murmuring]
376
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,078
I guess this could be a pass.
Hibbidy-dibbidy?
377
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:26,207
-$1.29.
-[all gasp]
378
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:30,336
That's $1.29 from the great Rod Carew.
379
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,128
Hibbidy-dibbidy-hibbidy.
Any other bidders?
380
00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:34,423
Any other bidders?
Okay. Going once, going twice--
381
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,217
[blowing whistle]
382
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,094
-Toot-toot! $4!
-[all gasp]
383
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,263
-Whoa! Joel!
-We've got ourselves a bidding war.
384
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:43,765
Hibbidy-dibbidy, hibbidy-dibbidy.
Can I get five? Hibbidy-dibbidy.
385
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,477
-$5.29.
-[Marilyn] Oh, my goodness!
386
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:47,769
$8!
387
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,563
-[screams]
-Hibbidy-dibbidy!
388
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:53,275
-$15.29.
-Hibbidy-dibbidy!
389
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:56,487
-$25!
-Hibbidy-flippin'-dibbidy!
390
00:19:56,570 --> 00:20:00,241
Pull out, Joel! This is suicide!
You're headed straight for Rod Carew!
391
00:20:01,658 --> 00:20:05,621
$329.29!
392
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:07,581
-Joel!
-Hibbidy-dibbidy, going once.
393
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:11,252
Hibbidy-dibbidy, going twice.
Hibbidy-dibbidy, sold!
394
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,669
[all applauding]
395
00:20:15,046 --> 00:20:16,047
[blows]
396
00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:23,680
Joel, you are my hero.
397
00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:28,227
I'm sorry I gave you all that sass
about cleaning out the garage
398
00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:32,022
and taking Maria to ChoochCon.
Can you forgive me?
399
00:20:32,105 --> 00:20:36,443
I have 329 reasons and 29 cents to try.
400
00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:39,738
[chuckles] Great.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
401
00:20:39,821 --> 00:20:43,284
I gotta go get my cake and eat it, too.
402
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:44,535
Joel.
403
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:48,289
-[Barb] Hey there, Joel.
-[all applauding]
404
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,666
And I'm gonna give these to you later.
405
00:20:50,749 --> 00:20:53,544
'Cause I heard you were a caboose guy.
[chuckles]
406
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:59,466
[Maria] In that moment, my pa
was the best pa in the whole world.
407
00:21:01,718 --> 00:21:02,928
Papa!
408
00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:08,600
Papa! Papa! [panting]
I have your train whistle!
409
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:10,936
What's that, Papa?
410
00:21:12,729 --> 00:21:13,605
Papa...
411
00:21:18,109 --> 00:21:19,611
[groaning]
412
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:33,750
-Maria, you want some marriage advice?
-What's that, Papa?
413
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:37,212
Never show your true feelings.
Hide your anger.
414
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:41,883
And when you get a chance
to unleash your rage, do it...
415
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,135
privately.
416
00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:53,520
I shalls, Papa! I shalls!
417
00:21:53,604 --> 00:21:55,439
[Maria] That advice
would haunt me for years.
418
00:21:55,522 --> 00:21:57,649
But luckily, Scott and I
could talk about everything,
419
00:21:57,733 --> 00:22:02,070
and I felt totally free
to express how I felt to Judd Apatow.
420
00:22:02,153 --> 00:22:03,822
"Chicken leg, turkey leg"?
421
00:22:03,905 --> 00:22:06,367
Yeah, I can see
how that could be annoying.
422
00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:07,618
Thank you. [laughs]
423
00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:11,497
Arbiter of all things right and Judd-st.
424
00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:13,832
Anybody could've told you that.
Church could've told you that.
425
00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:15,751
-It's really annoying.
-I know.
426
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:17,753
Remember when I told you
I wasn't talking to you anymore?
427
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:19,630
-I know.
-That's still happening.
428
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:21,131
My little brown Judd.
429
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:24,718
My Judd of Green Gables.
My Juddsucker Proxy.
430
00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:26,512
Maria, you're making me
very uncomfortable.
431
00:22:26,595 --> 00:22:28,013
-I know.
-Why are you here?
432
00:22:28,096 --> 00:22:31,266
Oh! Because... That's a great question.
433
00:22:31,349 --> 00:22:33,602
-You're the king of all romantic films.
-Mmm-hmm.
434
00:22:33,685 --> 00:22:35,771
Especially ones that star blonde,
435
00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:37,814
-kooky ladies like myself...
-Mmm-hmm. Yes.
436
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:40,484
...who are dating
a lovable schlub of a guy.
437
00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:43,319
And so naturally,
I thought you could solve my problem
438
00:22:43,404 --> 00:22:45,947
the way you solve story problems
in your love movies.
439
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:49,367
Maybe he has a condition.
Nothing too serious.
440
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,578
Maybe something like gout.
Maybe like gout.
441
00:22:51,662 --> 00:22:52,746
-Who, Scott?
-No, no, no.
442
00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:54,247
We were talking about a movie before.
443
00:22:54,330 --> 00:22:57,125
But she was talking about that thing,
the lovable schlub thing.
444
00:22:57,208 --> 00:23:01,337
We haven't done that in a while.
Maybe it's animated, like Schlubbable.
445
00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:04,174
Schlubbable.
That sounds like a Pixar movie.
446
00:23:04,257 --> 00:23:07,886
Like, I would go to that. Schlubbable.
Right? We'll send that to Lasseter.
447
00:23:07,969 --> 00:23:10,305
Then maybe in the movie,
they learn how to do math or some shit,
448
00:23:10,388 --> 00:23:11,765
so it's, like, a Disney thing.
449
00:23:11,848 --> 00:23:12,891
Yeah, that's very good.
450
00:23:12,974 --> 00:23:14,810
Okay, here's the thing.
451
00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:19,189
Living with someone is hard.
It's all about how you handle it.
452
00:23:19,272 --> 00:23:23,819
I have a saying.
"Embrace it to erase it."
453
00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:25,529
Like, I hated needlepoint.
454
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:28,114
So, I had Church
make this needlepoint pillow,
455
00:23:28,198 --> 00:23:32,619
and now I don't mind anymore.
I embraced it to erase it.
456
00:23:32,703 --> 00:23:34,455
Now I got needlepoints everywhere.
457
00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:37,958
-[Maria gasps]
-That's the secret to life.
458
00:23:38,041 --> 00:23:39,793
If you resist, it'll persist.
459
00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:42,337
-Wow.
-Needlepoint that.
460
00:23:42,420 --> 00:23:45,591
Okay, so I just need to embrace
the "chicken leg, turkey leg"?
461
00:23:45,674 --> 00:23:48,134
Embrace it like you embrace
that weird raccoon
462
00:23:48,218 --> 00:23:50,721
that's eating
the shit out of your whole house.
463
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:55,391
But seriously, don't feed raccoons.
They look cute, but they will mess you up.
464
00:23:55,476 --> 00:23:57,894
Mmm. Thank you so much, Judd.
465
00:23:57,978 --> 00:24:00,313
I mean, once again,
you've solved all my problems.
466
00:24:00,396 --> 00:24:04,317
I would do anything to repay you.
467
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:06,152
Will you do a small part in my next movie?
468
00:24:07,488 --> 00:24:09,990
With the greatest of love and deference,
469
00:24:10,073 --> 00:24:12,450
-that's a no-torito.
-What's a no-torito?
470
00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,745
It's a "no" crossed with a Dorito.
I haven't had lunch yet.
471
00:24:14,828 --> 00:24:16,955
I love you so much, Judd--
472
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:19,541
-Just go eat. Just go eat. Go eat.
-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
473
00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:22,377
[screaming] I love you, Judd!
474
00:24:23,837 --> 00:24:26,339
I think Schlubbable is a raccoon.
475
00:24:26,422 --> 00:24:28,592
-Ah, that's good.
-Yeah, a raccoon.
476
00:24:28,675 --> 00:24:29,801
-Never seen that.
-Yeah.
477
00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:32,345
[Scott] I'm sure
Randall's in here somewhere.
478
00:24:32,428 --> 00:24:34,598
Yes! He's right here in the floor.
479
00:24:34,681 --> 00:24:36,266
-Got it.
-[Scott] Whoa, where did you...
480
00:24:36,349 --> 00:24:38,393
-All right, here we go.
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
481
00:24:38,476 --> 00:24:39,520
All right.
482
00:24:39,603 --> 00:24:41,772
What is it with women
wanting to destroy hardwood floors?
483
00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:44,858
What, you wanna keep the floor?
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
484
00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:46,693
-You got some peanut butter?
-Yeah.
485
00:24:46,777 --> 00:24:48,111
Great. Hope it's chunky.
486
00:24:49,487 --> 00:24:50,781
You're gonna take this peanut butter,
487
00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:52,407
you're gonna spread it
all over my titties,
488
00:24:52,490 --> 00:24:54,117
and then you're gonna
stand the fuck back.
489
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,328
'Cause raccoons cannot resist
some peanut butter titties.
490
00:24:57,412 --> 00:25:00,415
They also love it
when you shove candy bars up your asshole.
491
00:25:00,498 --> 00:25:02,500
Or at least that's what
the candy store guy told me.
492
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:06,171
[chuckles] He's fun. Lots of ideas.
Lots of ass-based ideas.
493
00:25:06,254 --> 00:25:08,298
All right, where's the last place
you saw him in this house
494
00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:09,883
so I can calibrate these titties?
495
00:25:09,966 --> 00:25:12,594
-I haven't actually seen him in the house.
-What?
496
00:25:12,678 --> 00:25:14,429
I saw Maria feeding him
in the driveway this morning.
497
00:25:14,512 --> 00:25:16,640
And then later,
I saw the aftermath here in the kitchen.
498
00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:19,685
You know, milk strewn all over the place,
cereal bags torn open,
499
00:25:19,768 --> 00:25:22,478
-chewed-up granola bars everywhere.
-Front door wide open?
500
00:25:22,563 --> 00:25:25,356
-Oh, shit.
-Oh, shit.
501
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,983
[both] Oh, shit.
502
00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:28,234
Uh, "shit," why?
503
00:25:28,318 --> 00:25:30,528
-Your pest is Maria, dude.
-Hard truth.
504
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:32,197
You know, she stayed with me one time.
505
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:35,867
I spent $370
trying to "get rid of the possum."
506
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:37,953
-You know what I mean?
-It's not what you're thinking.
507
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:40,914
Look, she's never shared her space
with another human as an adult.
508
00:25:40,997 --> 00:25:44,835
She's basically like
a skinny, hairless half-Sasquatch.
509
00:25:44,918 --> 00:25:47,003
-So, Maria did this to the kitchen?
-[Dagmar] Fuck yeah.
510
00:25:47,087 --> 00:25:48,922
You should've seen
what she did to my yurt.
511
00:25:49,005 --> 00:25:50,465
Fur and feces everywhere.
512
00:25:50,548 --> 00:25:53,009
Two baby wolves
still in their placental sacks.
513
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,597
Actually, that time it could've been
some kind of animal.
514
00:25:57,388 --> 00:26:00,558
You guys, I really feel like
we should ax this floor wide open, okay?
515
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:03,604
There's a spirit trapped in the foundation
that wants to come out.
516
00:26:03,687 --> 00:26:06,272
We're coming for you!
It's a Civil War general.
517
00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:08,566
[in Southern accent]
General! We're coming for you!
518
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:11,402
♪ Turkey leg, chicken leg ♪
519
00:26:11,486 --> 00:26:12,528
♪ Turk, turk, chick ♪
520
00:26:12,613 --> 00:26:14,072
Maria, what are you doing?
521
00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:19,577
♪ I'm embracing it and erasing it
Like needlepoint ♪
522
00:26:19,661 --> 00:26:22,163
And, I don't wanna force Randall on you.
523
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:25,834
If he needs to go to the country,
he needs to go to the country.
524
00:26:25,917 --> 00:26:30,631
It turns out that Randall doesn't need
to go to the country. You do.
525
00:26:31,172 --> 00:26:34,009
-What?
-You're the raccoon, you giant maroon!
526
00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:37,387
-[gasps] Aye, aye, aye, aye!
-[whip cracks]
527
00:26:37,470 --> 00:26:39,055
[Western music plays]
528
00:26:40,306 --> 00:26:42,225
You wanna learn to put caps on things,
like a human?
529
00:26:42,308 --> 00:26:44,269
-Huh? Shut the door behind you?
-[whip cracks]
530
00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:47,397
-[gruffly] Aye, aye, aye, aye!
-[whip cracks]
531
00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:51,151
Yo soy la bandida? [gasps]
532
00:26:51,234 --> 00:26:53,069
Okay, what's going on? I'm terrified.
533
00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:55,071
-[whip cracks]
-Ah!
534
00:26:55,155 --> 00:26:57,407
You trashed the kitchen, Maria.
535
00:26:57,490 --> 00:26:59,450
[gasps]
536
00:26:59,534 --> 00:27:00,994
[crickets chirping]
537
00:27:03,579 --> 00:27:04,706
[gruffly] Aye, aye, aye, aye!
538
00:27:04,790 --> 00:27:07,083
-[whip cracks]
-[Western music plays]
539
00:27:08,168 --> 00:27:09,878
You're a filthy, wet animal.
540
00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:13,882
But I love you.
And I never wanna domesticate you.
541
00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:16,259
Scott, that's beautiful.
542
00:27:16,342 --> 00:27:19,137
But, correction,
I am a very clean, wet animal.
543
00:27:19,220 --> 00:27:20,931
Yeah, but you're filthy
in the way you live.
544
00:27:21,014 --> 00:27:22,933
-What are you doing?
-[Larissa] Oh, my God!
545
00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:25,686
He's gonna rape us!
I told you this day would come.
546
00:27:25,769 --> 00:27:27,228
[screaming]
547
00:27:29,605 --> 00:27:31,149
Scott, the floors!
548
00:27:31,232 --> 00:27:33,484
-You're messing them all up!
-Fuck the floors!
549
00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:37,739
So what if our house is messy and wild?
Love is messy and wild.
550
00:27:37,823 --> 00:27:40,701
And sure, the floors
might get ruined, but who cares?
551
00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:42,160
-[gasps]
-As long as we're together.
552
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:43,829
[chitters]
553
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:45,038
-[screams]
-Oh!
554
00:27:45,872 --> 00:27:48,709
-Oh, hey, it's Randall!
-He's really cute.
555
00:27:48,792 --> 00:27:51,669
I told you you'd come around to Randall.
556
00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:54,214
As long as he's out there
and you're in here.
557
00:27:54,297 --> 00:27:57,550
-[Randall] Thank God she found somebody.
-[Peggy] Yeah, it's sweet.
558
00:27:57,633 --> 00:28:00,095
[Randall] She's lucky Scott can cook,
because her cooking sucks.
559
00:28:00,178 --> 00:28:01,346
I only ate it to make her feel good.
560
00:28:01,429 --> 00:28:04,599
Those fajitas this morning gave me
the shits something awful. Ha!
561
00:28:04,682 --> 00:28:07,602
I left that guy a hell of an art project
in the middle of his studio, though.
562
00:28:07,685 --> 00:28:09,771
[Peggy] Randall, you rascal.
563
00:28:10,772 --> 00:28:11,898
[Uncle Bubba] I heard there was gonna be
564
00:28:11,982 --> 00:28:15,485
some peanut butter
on some motherfucking titties!
565
00:28:15,568 --> 00:28:17,070
[both] Uncle Bubba!
566
00:28:17,153 --> 00:28:19,322
Now, who wants to eat
some garbage and fuck?
567
00:28:19,405 --> 00:28:21,992
-[all laughing]
-[studio audience laughing]
568
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:25,829
[audience applauding]
569
00:28:28,498 --> 00:28:29,875
[Peggy] You're hilarious.
570
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:34,045
[woman] Schlubbable, scene 26, take one.
A mark.
571
00:28:34,921 --> 00:28:37,548
[Judd] Okay, Schlubba,
you're great at math, you're a raccoon,
572
00:28:37,632 --> 00:28:39,009
and you love pie.
573
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:41,261
Let's rock this one, okay? Action.
574
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:44,222
All right, good, good. Yep.
Yep, yep, very good.
575
00:28:44,305 --> 00:28:46,808
All right, lick the grass.
Lick it, lick it.
576
00:28:46,892 --> 00:28:49,435
Now you're searching
for the cure for gout.
577
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:52,105
No, no, no, wrong way. Wrong way.
No, back to your mark.
578
00:28:52,188 --> 00:28:54,941
No, no, not that way.
No, Schlubba, not that way.
579
00:28:55,025 --> 00:28:58,236
Let's reset. Let's reset. Ah, fuck. Cut!
580
00:28:58,319 --> 00:29:00,321
[orchestral music playing]
581
00:29:00,371 --> 00:29:04,921
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