All language subtitles for Lady Dynamite s01e12 Enter Super Grisham.eng

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,314 --> 00:00:04,003 Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:08,384 [Maria] It was a week since I broke up with Scott, and I was doing great. 3 00:00:08,468 --> 00:00:11,763 I was throwing myself into exercise and healthy living. I was doing great! 4 00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:13,223 See? 5 00:00:13,306 --> 00:00:16,476 Sweating and jumping. This is what people do after a breakup. 6 00:00:16,559 --> 00:00:17,644 Absolutely. 7 00:00:17,727 --> 00:00:19,687 Ever since I accepted that Barbara's gone for good, 8 00:00:19,812 --> 00:00:21,439 I started turning over a new leaf. 9 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:24,484 Yeah, I mean... So, you feel better with exercise, right? 10 00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:27,070 Oh, absolutely. Plus these great owl tranquilizers 11 00:00:27,153 --> 00:00:29,113 I got online from this guy named Johnny He. 12 00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:31,491 [upbeat music playing] 13 00:00:31,574 --> 00:00:32,408 [hooting] 14 00:00:32,909 --> 00:00:35,662 - I'm high, like, literally 20 hours a day. - Oh! 15 00:00:35,745 --> 00:00:37,288 Plus, the gym is a wonderful place 16 00:00:37,372 --> 00:00:38,414 to meet people. Truly. 17 00:00:38,498 --> 00:00:40,333 [chuckles] Hi, there. 18 00:00:40,416 --> 00:00:42,210 Hey, here's the big honeypot, girls. 19 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,420 Where's all my female honeybees? 20 00:00:44,504 --> 00:00:46,589 [Maria chuckles] Well, I'm excited. 21 00:00:46,673 --> 00:00:49,634 You know, 'cause finally I can get to do the things 22 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,553 I've been putting off because I was in a relationship. 23 00:00:52,637 --> 00:00:53,721 - You know. - Yeah. 24 00:00:53,805 --> 00:00:56,558 Just going to salsa clubs alone or... 25 00:00:56,641 --> 00:00:58,810 going to a cat show alone. 26 00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:01,938 Acknowledging the homeless, on a regular basis, you know. 27 00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:04,732 - Embroidery, it's so beautiful. - Mmm. 28 00:01:04,816 --> 00:01:09,112 And I've always longed to be interested to do it, so... 29 00:01:09,195 --> 00:01:12,031 But those are things you don't do if you're tied down. 30 00:01:12,115 --> 00:01:14,158 Absolutely. I love everything you're saying. 31 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:18,329 But it's probably because I can only hear the blood rushing in and out of my aorta. 32 00:01:18,413 --> 00:01:20,206 Did I mention there's a little man living inside my brain? 33 00:01:21,332 --> 00:01:22,750 - His name is Danny. - [gasps] 34 00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:24,294 - Owl drink? - [hooting] 35 00:01:25,503 --> 00:01:28,256 Bruce, are you sure you're in a condition to handle my career? 36 00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:30,967 - Let me check with Danny. - [bells chiming] 37 00:01:31,050 --> 00:01:32,135 Answer is, "Yes." 38 00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:34,095 As a matter of fact, the Abluvia people 39 00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:37,348 are looking for a new pitch woman for their brand-new campaign. 40 00:01:37,432 --> 00:01:39,475 Oh, Abluvia? Is that... yogurt? 41 00:01:39,559 --> 00:01:42,145 Yeah, a delicious yogurt with herpes at the bottom. 42 00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:43,354 That's disgusting. 43 00:01:43,438 --> 00:01:44,731 No. Just joshing. 44 00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:45,815 [chuckles] 45 00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:48,401 Abluvia is a medicine for people with mouth herpes. 46 00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:51,487 Speaking of herpes, that chick over there is checking me out. 47 00:01:51,571 --> 00:01:52,655 I'm gonna give her something 48 00:01:52,739 --> 00:01:54,407 - to really look at. Come with me. - Okay. 49 00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,242 - Oh. Okay. - Just help me... 50 00:01:56,326 --> 00:01:58,036 - ...pull down these cables, okay? - Yes. Okay. 51 00:01:58,119 --> 00:01:59,871 I wanna get the full extension. 52 00:01:59,954 --> 00:02:01,497 Okay. [chuckles] 53 00:02:01,581 --> 00:02:04,500 You know, love really is like a child's prison. 54 00:02:04,584 --> 00:02:05,710 You hold on tightly 55 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:08,004 and then you let go lightly. 56 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:09,714 - Okay. [gasps] - Wait a second! 57 00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,424 - [bones snapping] - [screaming] 58 00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:14,177 [theme music playing] 59 00:02:35,782 --> 00:02:37,825 [Maria] I'm a pterodactyl. 60 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,334 [Scott] I don't understand what I did to her. 61 00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:49,462 I mean, why isn't Maria taking my calls or calling me back? 62 00:02:49,545 --> 00:02:51,964 Yeah, well, it's really hard to understand Maria, 63 00:02:52,048 --> 00:02:53,674 you know, most of the time... 64 00:02:53,758 --> 00:02:55,968 She thinks you fingerbanged her in the kitchen on Thanksgiving. 65 00:02:56,052 --> 00:02:57,887 - Fingerbang? - Mmm-hmm. 66 00:02:57,970 --> 00:03:00,598 Why have I heard nothing of this tale of fingerbangery? 67 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,558 Because you're a third-tier friend at best. 68 00:03:02,642 --> 00:03:06,312 Wait. I promise you, I did not fingerbang anyone. 69 00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,856 And she did not like how you scraped half your plate. 70 00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:10,066 Mmm. 71 00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:12,985 Okay, was it the plate scrape or was it the fingerbang? 72 00:03:13,069 --> 00:03:14,612 So you did fingerbang her. 73 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:17,240 See, I'm part Native American, so... 74 00:03:17,323 --> 00:03:19,283 my people are used to being raped at Thanksgiving. 75 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,035 - Look. I have big hands. - Ew. 76 00:03:21,119 --> 00:03:22,703 If I'd have fingerbanged her in the kitchen, 77 00:03:22,787 --> 00:03:24,205 you'd have felt it in the living room. 78 00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,748 Okay, I don't feel safe! 79 00:03:25,832 --> 00:03:28,000 Look, fuck-knuckles, Maria's got a mind of her own 80 00:03:28,084 --> 00:03:29,836 underneath all that yellow hair. 81 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:31,712 So, do you want my advice? 82 00:03:31,796 --> 00:03:33,714 - Yes. - You gotta go see her. 83 00:03:33,798 --> 00:03:36,884 Bring her something she likes, like one of those self-help workbooks. 84 00:03:36,968 --> 00:03:38,302 - [mouthing indistinctly] - She loves those things. 85 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,762 She loves checking 'em off. 86 00:03:39,846 --> 00:03:41,472 She can feel herself getting better. 87 00:03:41,556 --> 00:03:44,976 Then you could bring her a case of LaCroix sparkling water. 88 00:03:45,059 --> 00:03:46,269 Don't bring her that pamplemousse shit. 89 00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:47,645 That's fucking disgusting. 90 00:03:47,729 --> 00:03:50,440 Oh, you know what? And get her some pug shit. 91 00:03:50,523 --> 00:03:51,983 She loves those little fuckers. 92 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,151 Great. 93 00:03:53,234 --> 00:03:56,028 Thanks, but if you talk to her, tell her that I'll do anything, 94 00:03:56,112 --> 00:03:57,905 whatever it takes to make this right, okay? 95 00:03:57,989 --> 00:03:59,198 You should have thought about that 96 00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:01,325 before you fingered your relationship to death. 97 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:02,785 That's not what happened. 98 00:04:02,869 --> 00:04:05,455 Don't you point that rape stick at me, man. 99 00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:08,583 Thank you. 100 00:04:11,544 --> 00:04:13,588 I don't feel safe with him anymore. 101 00:04:13,671 --> 00:04:16,591 Yeah, well, you shouldn't feel safe around me either. 102 00:04:16,674 --> 00:04:17,925 Oh, God! 103 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,595 [shrieking] 104 00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:25,808 [knocking] 105 00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:32,815 Oh, uh... 106 00:04:32,899 --> 00:04:33,941 Hey, Bert. 107 00:04:34,859 --> 00:04:35,902 Maria around? 108 00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:37,236 [Bert] It's late, Scott. 109 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,989 And she doesn't want to see your fucking garbage face. 110 00:04:40,072 --> 00:04:41,199 I don't get it. 111 00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:43,743 What did I do? 112 00:04:44,911 --> 00:04:46,704 Is this about the plate scrape at Thanksgiving? 113 00:04:46,788 --> 00:04:49,999 [Bert] It's not my place to say. But, yes, it was. 114 00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:52,877 And the fingerbang, and some other things. 115 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,421 Among them, your general neediness. 116 00:04:55,505 --> 00:04:57,882 - [Blueberry] Who is it, Bert? It's late. - [growling] 117 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,509 Hey, Bert! Dude, that's not cool! 118 00:05:00,593 --> 00:05:02,762 [Bert] No, I wasn't going to hit her. 119 00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:06,015 In dog language it means, "I love you. See you in bed." 120 00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:08,226 But I think it's fucked up that you went there. 121 00:05:08,309 --> 00:05:09,352 Good night, Scott. 122 00:05:09,435 --> 00:05:11,437 Let me talk to her for one minute. 123 00:05:11,521 --> 00:05:13,773 [Bert barks] In dog years that is four days, 124 00:05:13,856 --> 00:05:15,483 and that is fucking ridiculous. 125 00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:17,193 - Good night. - No, look, please... 126 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:19,612 - No, tell her... I love her. - [door slams] 127 00:05:19,695 --> 00:05:20,696 [sighs] 128 00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:25,576 [Bert] Leave the clock. 129 00:05:26,661 --> 00:05:27,954 Leave the fucking clock! 130 00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:33,376 [door slams] 131 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,673 Good job-job, Bert. 132 00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:41,342 [Bert] You're welcome. My dear Maria, Scott loves you. 133 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,678 - Why won't you talk to him? - Because... 134 00:05:43,761 --> 00:05:47,348 I'm not comfortable with people, places, or things needing me. 135 00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:49,892 When things need me, I let them down. 136 00:05:49,976 --> 00:05:52,853 Scott needs me. I'll let him down. 137 00:05:52,937 --> 00:05:55,982 [Bert] I need you. And you've never let me down. 138 00:05:56,065 --> 00:05:58,401 That's not true, and you know it. 139 00:05:58,484 --> 00:06:01,404 [Bert] Oh, yes, there was that one time... 140 00:06:03,656 --> 00:06:05,116 [Maria] I had been in Duluth for six months, 141 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:07,785 and I realized Los Angeles wasn't my home anymore. 142 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,120 This was where I belonged. 143 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,205 [Maria] Mom, I was wondering if, maybe, 144 00:06:11,289 --> 00:06:13,374 I could have my own space inside my room... 145 00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:16,002 [Marilyn] No, we don't want you to isolate yourself... 146 00:06:16,085 --> 00:06:17,628 - [Maria] Okay. - 'cause we want... 147 00:06:17,712 --> 00:06:19,922 - some family time with you. - [Maria] Okay. 148 00:06:20,006 --> 00:06:22,425 [Marilyn] You know what I mean? [Maria] Yeah. 149 00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:24,552 There's a fine line between isolation... 150 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,264 - What! Where's Bert? - [Joel] Where'd he go? 151 00:06:28,347 --> 00:06:30,391 He was just here, snorting away. 152 00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:31,517 [Maria] He's gone! 153 00:06:31,601 --> 00:06:33,019 [Marilyn] Let's don't get in a panic. 154 00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,187 - I mean, how far can a pug go? - [Joel] Exactly. 155 00:06:35,313 --> 00:06:37,982 [screaming] Checklist stole another one of my pugs! 156 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,444 - It's Blossom all over again! - [Marilyn] Bert? 157 00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:45,656 - Bert! - Where could that pug have gone? 158 00:06:45,740 --> 00:06:46,866 Bert! 159 00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:49,952 [dog barking] 160 00:06:50,036 --> 00:06:51,287 [horse neighing] 161 00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:52,496 [Maria] Hi. 162 00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:56,167 I was wondering if I could put up a flyer for my beloved, missing dog, Bert? 163 00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,460 Oh, sure. 164 00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:59,795 If you want, you can put one in the break room, too. 165 00:06:59,879 --> 00:07:01,964 [Maria] Thank you so much. All right. 166 00:07:03,883 --> 00:07:07,261 Oh, I can't even look in the cages, all these sad little eyes. 167 00:07:08,346 --> 00:07:10,473 Wait... Bert? 168 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:13,601 [Bert] 'Tis I. I couldn't resist 169 00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:16,687 the pull of my true love. [kisses] Lady pug. 170 00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:20,399 Better to die on one's paws than live on one's haunches. 171 00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:21,901 It's you! 172 00:07:21,984 --> 00:07:25,071 It's him! [stuttering] My dog, Bert, he... 173 00:07:25,154 --> 00:07:26,238 You're not dead! 174 00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:28,282 [Bert] I've never felt more alive. 175 00:07:28,366 --> 00:07:29,659 Bert, you ready to go home? 176 00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:31,202 [Bert] Not without my lover. 177 00:07:31,285 --> 00:07:32,370 Oh! 178 00:07:32,453 --> 00:07:33,663 [Bert] This is my lover. 179 00:07:33,746 --> 00:07:38,250 Bert, we can't take in another dog. I can't be trusted. 180 00:07:38,334 --> 00:07:39,961 I killed Blossom. 181 00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:42,588 I can't take responsibility for another dog. 182 00:07:42,672 --> 00:07:44,757 Except you, you've been grandfathered in. 183 00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:53,015 - Blossom! - [Blossom] That's right. 184 00:07:53,099 --> 00:07:55,351 Take a seat, bitch. And listen hard. 185 00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,728 [whimsical music playing] 186 00:07:59,981 --> 00:08:01,649 [Blossom singing] A wet snout in your crotch 187 00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:02,984 Loose fur on your couch 188 00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:05,861 Sweet slobber on your cheek A warm companion when you sleep 189 00:08:05,945 --> 00:08:10,825 Yes, puppies are the answer The opposite of cancer 190 00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:12,159 [barks] 191 00:08:12,243 --> 00:08:14,078 [yawns] 192 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,664 We watch you when you shit We're really into it 193 00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:19,125 When we chase after cars And dig up your yards 194 00:08:19,208 --> 00:08:24,213 You love us just the same We don't even know our names 195 00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:26,590 Puppy, puppy, puppy 196 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:28,718 Life getting scarier? Just get a terrier 197 00:08:28,801 --> 00:08:31,178 Get beat by a brute? Pick up a malamute 198 00:08:31,262 --> 00:08:33,723 Doubt the presence of God? Get a shepherding dog 199 00:08:33,806 --> 00:08:34,807 Too much evil? Get a beagle 200 00:08:34,890 --> 00:08:36,392 Lost your noodle? Get a poodle 201 00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,561 Need a great big hug? 202 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:41,939 Just get yourself a pug 203 00:08:44,025 --> 00:08:47,028 Really, dear. Get yourself a pug. 204 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:51,991 Oh, Blossom. I'm so sorry I killed you. 205 00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:57,329 I was so stupid to turn over the garbage can with all those pills, 206 00:08:57,413 --> 00:09:00,041 and I'm never gonna do that to another dog again. 207 00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:01,709 Because I'm never gonna have another dog, 208 00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:03,878 except for Bert, he's grandfathered in. 209 00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:05,087 [Blossom] Poor Maria. 210 00:09:05,171 --> 00:09:07,840 Don't you know, baby girl, that if you hadn't killed me, 211 00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:09,050 I would have killed you? 212 00:09:09,759 --> 00:09:12,595 One of us was not getting out of there alive. 213 00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:16,140 I admire you, actually. You did what I could not. 214 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,601 My paws were too tiny to pull the trigger. 215 00:09:18,684 --> 00:09:19,977 You had a gun? 216 00:09:20,061 --> 00:09:21,896 Of course. A Walther PPK. 217 00:09:22,688 --> 00:09:24,690 With a mother of pearl handle and nickel plating. 218 00:09:24,774 --> 00:09:26,525 A lady pistol. 219 00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:28,986 I waited for you for hours to kill you. 220 00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:30,821 You did? 221 00:09:30,905 --> 00:09:34,408 But I had to make sissy and got distracted by that delicious trash. 222 00:09:34,492 --> 00:09:35,534 Oh. 223 00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:38,496 Little did I know, you would be making sissy all over my face. 224 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:42,374 If you had gone first, I would have eaten you from the ankles up. 225 00:09:42,458 --> 00:09:45,169 The best woman won. My bowler hat is off to you. 226 00:09:45,795 --> 00:09:48,798 Wait. Are you forgiving me? 227 00:09:48,881 --> 00:09:50,257 Not quite yet, human. 228 00:09:50,341 --> 00:09:52,843 Not until you return to the scum-filled streets 229 00:09:52,927 --> 00:09:55,054 of the City of Angels where you belong. 230 00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:59,433 But I'm worried if I went back to LA... [stuttering] I'd go mad. 231 00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:02,853 And I wouldn't be able to handle it, 232 00:10:02,937 --> 00:10:05,481 and I'd go crazy on the 405. 233 00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:07,775 [Blossom] Fuck the 405. Take Coldwater. 234 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:11,737 Look, Maria, if you put fear behind you and live life to the fullest, 235 00:10:11,821 --> 00:10:14,031 our karmic debt will be repaid, 236 00:10:14,115 --> 00:10:16,742 and you will no longer be my murderer. 237 00:10:16,826 --> 00:10:19,328 Do what I can no longer do, Maria. Live! 238 00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:21,288 Live, mein liebchen! 239 00:10:21,372 --> 00:10:23,499 Goodbye, my sweet Maria. Adieu. 240 00:10:23,582 --> 00:10:24,667 Live! 241 00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,336 - [Blossom echoing] Live! - Adieu! 242 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:29,088 [dogs barking] 243 00:10:29,171 --> 00:10:31,757 Holy shit, I can't believe she would have eaten me. 244 00:10:32,925 --> 00:10:34,093 Oh, my God. 245 00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:35,803 Is that how you put the dogs down? 246 00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,139 Oh, no. We drown them in a bucket. 247 00:10:38,222 --> 00:10:40,891 I just use the shotgun to keep their heads underwater. 248 00:10:40,975 --> 00:10:42,184 [Bert grunts] 249 00:10:42,268 --> 00:10:44,103 So you gonna take that other pug, too? 250 00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:47,940 Um... uh... 251 00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:50,901 - Uh... - [Bert] Please, Maria! I need her! 252 00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:54,780 Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. 253 00:10:54,864 --> 00:10:56,323 Okay, cool. 254 00:10:56,407 --> 00:10:59,160 [Maria] Okay. [Bert] I dub thee... 255 00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:00,619 Blueberry. 256 00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:04,331 Blueberry it is. 'Cause you're sweet, and small, and quiet. 257 00:11:04,415 --> 00:11:06,250 Just... like a blueberry. 258 00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:10,546 You know what, guys? I'm gonna make a quick phone call. 259 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:14,216 [cell phone ringing] 260 00:11:18,888 --> 00:11:20,639 [Bruce] Salad department. Bruce speaking. 261 00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:21,807 Hey, Bruce. It's Maria. 262 00:11:21,891 --> 00:11:23,475 Would you like to represent me again? 263 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:24,977 [gasps] 264 00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:26,437 I'm coming home! 265 00:11:26,562 --> 00:11:28,272 Oh, yes! 266 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,024 [Maria] And that's how I made it back to LA. 267 00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:32,109 I was really throwing myself into my work 268 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,986 and forgetting about my breakup with Scott. 269 00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:37,781 Oh, this is so funny. Putting herpes on someone. 270 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:40,784 - Normally, I'm covering these things up. - [both chuckling] 271 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:41,869 [Bruce] Maria! 272 00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:44,997 - [muffled] Oh! Hey, Bruce! - [Bruce] How you doin'? 273 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,415 Oh. Sorry. 274 00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:47,625 [clattering] 275 00:11:47,708 --> 00:11:49,043 - [cat meowing] - Sorry. 276 00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:50,711 - Uh, listen... - [Maria] Hey. 277 00:11:50,794 --> 00:11:53,881 Please. Uh... Not a word about my current state, okay? 278 00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:55,633 Believe me, I've heard it all already. 279 00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:58,093 So, uh, how are you? 280 00:11:58,177 --> 00:12:02,097 Good! Yeah... just glad to be working and... 281 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:07,311 pushing down all the feelings down, down, down, about the breakup. 282 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:09,772 So, do you have anything for me? 283 00:12:09,855 --> 00:12:11,023 I got some great news. 284 00:12:11,106 --> 00:12:14,485 The bladder people, Quandranique, are looking for another older woman 285 00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:18,030 for a spot where you walk around holding hands with an animated bladder. 286 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,074 - Lisa Rinna's already on board. - Oh. 287 00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:21,325 They need you to play somebody who's, 288 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:24,119 well, more than friends with her at an outdoor concert. 289 00:12:24,203 --> 00:12:25,621 Yeah, of course. I accept. 290 00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:28,457 I have to say, Maria, I'm really digging your enthusiasm. 291 00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:29,625 This is just great. 292 00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:32,461 I feel like we're really clicking like never before. 293 00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:35,673 You're finally getting the Bruce Ben-Bacharach plan for you. 294 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:36,590 Take anything. 295 00:12:36,674 --> 00:12:37,591 [chuckling] Yeah! 296 00:12:37,675 --> 00:12:40,135 - Toot, toot! - Toot, toot! 297 00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:41,220 [both chuckling] 298 00:12:41,303 --> 00:12:42,763 [serene music playing] 299 00:12:44,390 --> 00:12:45,641 I have herpes. 300 00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,101 And I still don't. 301 00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:50,980 [chuckling] Abluvia, for the sexually active bicyclist. 302 00:12:53,107 --> 00:12:55,943 [director] Cut! Everybody, take five. Everybody stay close. 303 00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:57,903 My herpes people, if you're gonna drink anything, 304 00:12:57,987 --> 00:12:59,113 I need you to use a straw. 305 00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,532 - Can I get a water? - [Maria] Huh. 306 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,493 - We make a cute couple. - [both chuckling] 307 00:13:05,119 --> 00:13:06,203 [crying] 308 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,039 - Oh, my God! Are... are you... - Yeah. 309 00:13:09,123 --> 00:13:11,166 - I'm so sorry. - Fuck it. It's nothing. 310 00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:13,460 - I'm just... I'm a little... - Okay. 311 00:13:14,712 --> 00:13:16,630 Just that thing you said about being in a cute couple. 312 00:13:16,714 --> 00:13:18,007 You reminded me of my ex-girlfriend. 313 00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:20,884 - Oh. - But she fucking broke up with me. 314 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:22,219 Oh! 315 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,596 I'm sorry. Oh! Fuck me! 316 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,348 [sniffling] This is embarrassing. 317 00:13:26,432 --> 00:13:28,559 [stammering] But why did she break up with you? 318 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,352 That's the worst part. 319 00:13:30,436 --> 00:13:32,688 She never told me. I don't know why. 320 00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,024 Oh, no. Oh, my God. 321 00:13:36,025 --> 00:13:38,235 That's exactly what I just did with my beloved. 322 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,446 Oh, fuck! No! 323 00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:41,780 - Yeah. - Why? 324 00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:43,741 It was our first Thanksgiving together, 325 00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:46,493 and I brought him to meet all my friends... 326 00:13:46,577 --> 00:13:47,995 - So fraught. - Right. 327 00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,872 - It's just full of tension, right? - Thank you. 328 00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:53,250 [chuckling] It was like... I felt responsible for him, 329 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:56,628 and it's, like, he was super clingy, and... 330 00:13:56,712 --> 00:13:59,173 He kind of fingerbanged me in the kitchen, 331 00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:02,426 and I was like, "Ooh, I don't wanna do this." 332 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:06,764 You know, like, I'm gonna let him down. Like I've let everybody down. 333 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,890 Especially Blossom. 334 00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:09,349 Who's Blossom? 335 00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:10,976 [crying] My... 336 00:14:11,060 --> 00:14:13,020 My dead pug. 337 00:14:13,145 --> 00:14:14,605 Fuck, I'm sorry. 338 00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:17,399 I love pugs. 339 00:14:17,483 --> 00:14:19,485 They're the best. They don't do anything. 340 00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:21,278 - [chuckling] Exactly! - At all! Right? 341 00:14:21,362 --> 00:14:23,530 - And it's enough. - It's like... [grunting] 342 00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:25,991 - [snorts] Yeah. - What is this? 343 00:14:26,075 --> 00:14:27,576 - They sit on things. - [both laughing] 344 00:14:27,659 --> 00:14:30,871 - Fuck! I'm so fucking sorry. - [groaning] 345 00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:33,082 - Fuck! - Yeah, I made a terrible mistake. 346 00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:35,834 I sent the one good thing in my life away from me... 347 00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:39,046 'cause I was afraid I... I wasn't enough for him. 348 00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:41,757 Go to him. 349 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:42,758 Okay. 350 00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,802 - And be a pug! - [laughing] 351 00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,762 - Be a fucking pug! - I am a pug! 352 00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:50,140 - 'Cause it's enough! - Oh, God! 353 00:14:50,224 --> 00:14:53,143 I'm going to my lover, Scott! 354 00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:56,855 I'm coming to fulfill our destinies! 355 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:04,780 [Maria] Thank you. 356 00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:05,948 [Karen] Excuse me. 357 00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,658 - So sorry for your loss. And mine. - Oh. 358 00:15:08,409 --> 00:15:10,869 I almost had Blossom in a two-bedroom condo on Wilshire. 359 00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,037 - Oh. - Miracle Mile. 360 00:15:12,121 --> 00:15:14,915 Now the only miracle is how I'm gonna get that fucking deposit back. 361 00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:16,708 Blossom was moving out? 362 00:15:16,792 --> 00:15:18,544 Yeah, she was moving in with her boyfriend. 363 00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:21,088 Fucking hot corgi named Josh. 364 00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:22,381 I thought Bert was her boyfriend. 365 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:23,966 No, Bert's her husband. Sort of. 366 00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:26,677 I mean, they have a loosey-goosey Kurt and Goldie type of thing. 367 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,387 - Oh. - Hey, what's the Wi-Fi password here? 368 00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,180 [crying] "Blossom." 369 00:15:30,264 --> 00:15:32,057 - Oh, that's a bummer. - [groaning] 370 00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:35,102 Hey, why is there a Mountie here? 371 00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:38,439 Blossom had a dual German-Canadian citizenship. 372 00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:40,023 How do you know that? 373 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:43,402 I saw her passport when I bailed her out of jail after that DUI. 374 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:44,528 The second one. 375 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,071 But she always got sick in the car. 376 00:15:46,155 --> 00:15:47,322 Yep, because she was shit-faced. 377 00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:49,658 This girl knew how to light it on fire. 378 00:15:50,451 --> 00:15:51,743 Oh, I'm getting upset. 379 00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:53,579 Fuck you, Blossom! 380 00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:54,663 [exclaims softly] 381 00:15:55,414 --> 00:15:56,665 Oh, okay. 382 00:15:56,748 --> 00:16:00,419 Maria, my black heart goes out to you. I mean it. 383 00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:04,715 From one person who has killed dogs before to another, I know it's tough. 384 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,842 Yes, I know. Thank you, Karen. 385 00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:09,052 And I'm sorry that you couldn't make it. 386 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,305 I'm here. I was just freshening up my drank. 387 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:12,806 Oh, okay. 388 00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:14,266 I know you've been dealing with bad news, 389 00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:16,059 so I'm gonna hit you with the good stuff. 390 00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:19,313 Checklist has upgraded your flight to Business Coach Plus. 391 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,064 A little more leg room, a little less width. 392 00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,192 - Oh. - Fuck you, Robert Downey Jr. 393 00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:25,527 I'm not talking to you, you little shit lick! 394 00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:27,362 Robert Downey Jr. is here? 395 00:16:27,446 --> 00:16:28,655 - Yeah. - The Ironman? 396 00:16:28,739 --> 00:16:31,033 Oh, yeah. He was Blossom's AA sponsor. 397 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,243 He's pretty torn up about the death. 398 00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:35,746 His dogs aren't, though. They had a falling out. 399 00:16:35,829 --> 00:16:37,289 It's always about the fucking money. 400 00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:40,542 Speaking of money, when you land in Minneapolis, 401 00:16:40,626 --> 00:16:43,795 you're gonna head straight to the annual Checklist Check Down. 402 00:16:43,879 --> 00:16:48,050 And get ready to cream your jeans, because Mark McGrath is gonna be there. 403 00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:49,760 - Oh, God. - From Sugar Ray. 404 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,261 Cream away. I'll wait. 405 00:16:51,345 --> 00:16:54,932 Meant to tell you, I... I can't do it. I can't. 406 00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,141 "Can't" or "cunt"? 407 00:16:56,225 --> 00:16:57,476 Here's what they want you to do. 408 00:16:57,559 --> 00:16:59,686 You're gonna wheel out the chairman of Checklist 409 00:16:59,770 --> 00:17:01,188 before the awards for regional sales. 410 00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:02,689 He mentally died 15 years ago, 411 00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:04,399 but they still parade his crippled, rotten corpse 412 00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:05,484 in front of the shareholders. 413 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,486 God, I fucking love corporate America. 414 00:17:07,569 --> 00:17:10,948 [grunting] Okay. So, fuck you. You're doing it. 415 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,574 Plane. Tomorrow. You. 416 00:17:12,658 --> 00:17:16,578 No. I don't feel good. I don't... My dog just died! 417 00:17:16,662 --> 00:17:19,248 And I'm pretty sure that Checklist is evil. 418 00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:20,582 - "Can't" or "cunt"? - Yes. 419 00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:22,751 "Cunt." What are we talking about? Someone read me in. 420 00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:24,711 Maria, I am so sorry. 421 00:17:24,795 --> 00:17:27,923 The best thing for grieving is to do it with a group of strangers. 422 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,091 Who are you? 423 00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:30,551 I'm Karen Grisham, your life coach. 424 00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:33,011 - We haven't met. I'm from the future. - Oh, no. 425 00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:35,264 Karen Grisham, real estate. 426 00:17:35,347 --> 00:17:37,724 Also Karen Grisham. You'll be hearing from my lawyers. 427 00:17:37,808 --> 00:17:38,976 [straining] 428 00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:40,185 You're fucked. 429 00:17:40,269 --> 00:17:41,311 You're fucked. 430 00:17:41,395 --> 00:17:42,729 - You're future-fucked. - Hey. 431 00:17:42,813 --> 00:17:44,856 - [all laughing] - Nice to meet ya. 432 00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:46,942 [screaming] I don't feel good! 433 00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:50,445 [laser zapping] 434 00:17:52,823 --> 00:17:54,283 [guinea pig] Hello. 435 00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:58,078 [clears throat] Hello! I am the Super Grisham. 436 00:17:58,787 --> 00:18:02,165 Oh, Super Grisham... I'm so sad. 437 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:03,500 I don't know what to do. 438 00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:04,751 [Super Grisham] Do you want my advice? 439 00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:07,087 Well, seeing as you're the combination 440 00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:10,132 of my three Karen Grishams in guinea pig form, 441 00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:14,094 and you're also a hairy little golem that represents my manic false engine, 442 00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:17,264 why would I have any reason not to listen to you? 443 00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:20,434 You fear Minneapolis. You need to face that fear. 444 00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:21,727 I don't think so. 445 00:18:21,810 --> 00:18:23,687 Do you fear letting people finish their thoughts? 446 00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:25,397 No. No, I just... 447 00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:26,773 You're doing it. I had more. 448 00:18:26,857 --> 00:18:28,191 - I'm sorry... - God! 449 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,444 I want to slap you with my tiny, tiny hands. 450 00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:31,778 In fact, lean down. 451 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,031 [Maria whimpers] 452 00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:36,241 Maria, this is when you dig down deep. 453 00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:39,036 Your needle is on empty, so I want you to go below the needle 454 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:40,621 and come back all the way around 455 00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,914 to the other side to a full tank. 456 00:18:42,998 --> 00:18:45,083 - Is that even possible? - Can I finish? 457 00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:47,044 Checklist is an evil corporation. 458 00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:49,713 They're the reason Blossom's dead. 459 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,381 And they did lots of other bad things. 460 00:18:51,465 --> 00:18:53,383 Checklist killed Blossom. 461 00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:55,177 You want to take them down, don't you? 462 00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:56,428 More than anything. 463 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:58,555 Then scoop me up, put me in your pocket, 464 00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:00,515 pack me a necklace made of Cheerios, 465 00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:04,311 and let's get our asses out to Minneapolis-Saint Paul, the Twin Cities! 466 00:19:05,479 --> 00:19:08,482 From the cradle to the grave, baby! 467 00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:10,817 - [crowd cheering] - Come on! Whoo! 468 00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:15,238 What's up? I'm Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray... 469 00:19:16,031 --> 00:19:18,408 and I just wanna fly! 470 00:19:18,492 --> 00:19:20,869 - [applauding] - Yeah! Come on! 471 00:19:21,662 --> 00:19:23,580 - You got it! - [cheering] 472 00:19:23,664 --> 00:19:24,748 Whoo! 473 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:28,168 Mark McGrath is such a... such a powerful performer. 474 00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:30,295 He's bad, Maria. You need to kill him. 475 00:19:30,379 --> 00:19:33,882 Mark McGrath? But he's... he's wonderful and kind. 476 00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:37,302 That's how the devil works. By convincing the world that he's nice. 477 00:19:37,386 --> 00:19:38,512 Murder him now. 478 00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:40,639 No one is being murdered. All I need to do 479 00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:44,768 is to tell people all the evil things Checklist has done. 480 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,520 Then I can kill Mark McGrath, right? 481 00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:49,940 No! No one kills Mark McGrath! 482 00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:51,483 Can I slap him around a little bit? 483 00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:52,651 No! 484 00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:54,194 And, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, 485 00:19:54,277 --> 00:19:56,738 I give you our favorite Checklist check lady... 486 00:19:56,822 --> 00:19:58,407 [Super Grisham] Just put me in your satchel. 487 00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:01,076 I'm going out there with you. It's go time, baby cakes. 488 00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:02,661 Our very own cradle to the grave... 489 00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,788 - For justice. - [breathing nervously] 490 00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,123 For Blossom. 491 00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:08,083 Miss "Sounds Good, Feels Right" herself. 492 00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:10,252 For Blossom! Okay. 493 00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:15,465 [Mark] Maria Bamford and Checklist CEO Ray Banicheck! 494 00:20:15,549 --> 00:20:17,759 [cheering] 495 00:20:21,972 --> 00:20:23,473 Hey, everybody! 496 00:20:23,557 --> 00:20:25,892 [chuckles nervously] Sounds good, feels right! 497 00:20:25,976 --> 00:20:27,436 - [laughing] - [applauding] 498 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,273 Maria, what do you think of the fine Checklist people? 499 00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:33,483 - [muttering] - All right. [chuckles] 500 00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:37,654 - Teleprompter. Read it! - Oh. Yes. 501 00:20:37,738 --> 00:20:38,822 Uh... 502 00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:41,867 Hi, I'm Maria Bamford, and... 503 00:20:41,992 --> 00:20:43,577 here's a big Checklist welcome 504 00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:46,580 to all of our Checklist associates all around the globe. 505 00:20:46,663 --> 00:20:48,582 Hola. Bonjour. 506 00:20:48,665 --> 00:20:50,584 Murder. Slavery. 507 00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,794 [sing-song] The great prices. 508 00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:54,880 - [feedback whines] - [breathing heavily] 509 00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,047 Perfect. Keep going, baby! 510 00:20:58,383 --> 00:21:01,178 Checklist is a predatory company... 511 00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:07,934 that oppresses foreign labor in order to give us artificially low prices. 512 00:21:08,018 --> 00:21:10,771 We are all complicit in modern day slavery. 513 00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:13,106 I am a part of it, too. 514 00:21:13,190 --> 00:21:15,192 I'm the voice of Trabajito. 515 00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:17,694 I oppressed Mexican workers. 516 00:21:17,778 --> 00:21:21,114 I did! I was a part of an evil agenda. 517 00:21:21,198 --> 00:21:25,160 Checklist must be stopped, and I am the person to stop it! 518 00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:26,495 Okay, get her out of there. 519 00:21:26,578 --> 00:21:27,662 Uh, Maria. 520 00:21:27,746 --> 00:21:29,206 - Okay. - Let's go offstage for a little bit. 521 00:21:29,289 --> 00:21:31,124 - Get a drink or something. Oh! - [blabbering] 522 00:21:31,208 --> 00:21:33,126 One of those LaCroix that you love. I'll get you one. 523 00:21:33,210 --> 00:21:35,086 LaCroix yourself, you punk! 524 00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:36,963 Super Grisham was right! 525 00:21:37,088 --> 00:21:39,007 You are evil! 526 00:21:40,175 --> 00:21:41,384 [distorted] How did you know? 527 00:21:42,677 --> 00:21:47,182 Form of a Sugar Ray sugar beast! [laughing demonically] 528 00:21:47,265 --> 00:21:50,644 Form of an Ultra Maria! 529 00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:51,686 [whooshing] 530 00:21:51,812 --> 00:21:53,063 [dramatic sounds] 531 00:21:53,814 --> 00:21:54,981 [action music playing] 532 00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:00,862 [trilling] 533 00:22:01,488 --> 00:22:02,823 [roaring] 534 00:22:14,042 --> 00:22:15,252 - Kick! - Punch! 535 00:22:15,335 --> 00:22:16,336 Punch it again. 536 00:22:16,419 --> 00:22:18,672 - Give him a taste of his own diabetes! - Yeah. Get it. 537 00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:20,382 Why are we scuttling? Why are we scuttling still? 538 00:22:20,465 --> 00:22:22,425 - Go. - I'm just gonna hit the big one. 539 00:22:25,929 --> 00:22:28,932 [sugar beast] I'm sweet! You want me. 540 00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:30,976 You can't live without me! 541 00:22:31,059 --> 00:22:33,770 I'm everything you fear and desire! 542 00:22:33,853 --> 00:22:35,355 [Ultra Maria] I can live without you. 543 00:22:35,438 --> 00:22:37,190 You are a false god! 544 00:22:37,274 --> 00:22:38,984 [grunting] 545 00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:43,905 [sugar beast] Sugar blast! 546 00:22:45,282 --> 00:22:46,658 All the buttons. Press all the buttons. 547 00:22:46,741 --> 00:22:48,493 - Press every single button. - Yeah, I am. 548 00:22:49,619 --> 00:22:51,079 [grunting] 549 00:22:51,913 --> 00:22:53,290 [Super Grisham] Uh-oh. 550 00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:08,888 Hey. Who's the new girl? 551 00:23:08,972 --> 00:23:11,766 Maria Bamford. The comedian that went crazy at the Checklist Check Down. 552 00:23:11,850 --> 00:23:12,726 Oh, yeah. 553 00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:15,270 - I saw the video on YouTube. - There's a video? 554 00:23:15,353 --> 00:23:16,438 Yup. 555 00:23:17,606 --> 00:23:19,357 - Yes! - Thank you, Maria. 556 00:23:19,441 --> 00:23:21,276 - Why? - Thank you. Thank you. 557 00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:22,902 - It's all right. It's okay. - Okay. 558 00:23:22,986 --> 00:23:26,740 [grunting] You're not my God, sugar beast! 559 00:23:26,823 --> 00:23:28,158 [both grunting] 560 00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:29,242 - [yelling] - [woman screams] 561 00:23:29,326 --> 00:23:30,410 [audience exclaiming] 562 00:23:30,493 --> 00:23:32,162 - [screaming] - [woman] Medic! 563 00:23:34,247 --> 00:23:36,166 I don't think that old guy's gonna recover. 564 00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:37,667 - You know what else won't recover? - Hmm? 565 00:23:37,751 --> 00:23:40,962 Mark McGrath's reputation as a guy who doesn't kill crippled old men. 566 00:23:41,046 --> 00:23:42,505 [both laughing] 567 00:23:44,382 --> 00:23:45,842 [Maria] So that's how I ended up in Duluth. 568 00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:48,845 It was a combination of fear and mental illness. 569 00:23:48,928 --> 00:23:51,640 But I wasn't gonna let fear and mental illness stop me now. 570 00:23:51,723 --> 00:23:53,558 I was going after my man! 571 00:23:53,642 --> 00:23:54,851 I'm in France! 572 00:23:55,477 --> 00:24:00,065 I'm in 1950s Brooklyn. Oh! Ebbets Field! 573 00:24:01,524 --> 00:24:03,943 Who would've thunk I'm in Antarctica! 574 00:24:04,861 --> 00:24:06,780 Global warming! 575 00:24:06,863 --> 00:24:11,076 I'm a real-life newsie! Extra! Extra! 576 00:24:11,159 --> 00:24:12,952 I'm gonna fuck Scott! 577 00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:17,540 [panting] 578 00:24:19,709 --> 00:24:21,503 - [fuse blowing] - [glass shattering] 579 00:24:21,586 --> 00:24:23,129 [Scott] What the hell? 580 00:24:23,213 --> 00:24:24,422 [Maria giggling] 581 00:24:28,051 --> 00:24:29,302 - Maria? - Yeah. 582 00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:33,306 [panting] Your power is out. 583 00:24:33,390 --> 00:24:35,767 Do you need someone to help you turn it back on? 584 00:24:35,850 --> 00:24:37,852 Did you just cut my power? 585 00:24:37,936 --> 00:24:39,229 That's really goddamn dangerous. 586 00:24:39,312 --> 00:24:44,234 This is a huge romantic gesture, like all those Nora Ephron movies. 587 00:24:44,901 --> 00:24:49,406 Listen, I know that you're angry at me, and I made a huge mistake, Scott. 588 00:24:49,489 --> 00:24:51,282 But now I'm back! 589 00:24:51,366 --> 00:24:54,244 And we're together again. Un-broken up. 590 00:24:54,327 --> 00:24:56,079 - Uh, so you're okay? - Yes. 591 00:24:56,162 --> 00:24:57,539 Yeah, and then, automatically, I'm okay. 592 00:24:57,622 --> 00:24:58,748 - Yes. - Okay, Maria, 593 00:24:58,832 --> 00:25:00,625 you put me through hell this past week. 594 00:25:00,709 --> 00:25:02,502 What about my feelings? 595 00:25:02,585 --> 00:25:04,921 They should be happy feelings. 596 00:25:05,004 --> 00:25:06,965 Okay, well, you can't just turn it on and turn it off, 597 00:25:07,048 --> 00:25:10,135 and expect me to be all happy about it, you know. 598 00:25:10,218 --> 00:25:12,053 That's not how relationships work. 599 00:25:12,137 --> 00:25:13,680 You don't have to be so mad at me. 600 00:25:13,763 --> 00:25:14,806 I am mad! 601 00:25:14,889 --> 00:25:18,643 [shouting] I'm mad, too, because you put your hand down my pants, 602 00:25:18,727 --> 00:25:21,563 and then you also were really needy at Thanksgiving, 603 00:25:21,688 --> 00:25:23,940 and then you only scraped off half the plate. 604 00:25:24,023 --> 00:25:25,900 What is... Is that like an animal? 605 00:25:25,984 --> 00:25:29,654 Okay. I did not put my hands into your pants. 606 00:25:30,405 --> 00:25:32,407 And okay, I was needy at Thanksgiving. 607 00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:35,285 But being around your friends freaked me out. 608 00:25:35,368 --> 00:25:37,871 Okay. I didn't know that. 609 00:25:37,954 --> 00:25:40,039 No. You made conversation a little hard to have, 610 00:25:40,123 --> 00:25:41,541 with the knee-jerk breakup. 611 00:25:41,624 --> 00:25:42,625 Okay. 612 00:25:43,543 --> 00:25:45,503 Well, I guess... we're over. 613 00:25:45,587 --> 00:25:50,592 I guess this is how... you have a fight, and then it's... It ends and... 614 00:25:50,675 --> 00:25:54,888 I... I bid you adieu... Sweet prince, adieu. 615 00:25:54,971 --> 00:25:56,014 Maria... 616 00:25:56,931 --> 00:26:00,477 You know you can have a fight with someone and not break up? 617 00:26:01,436 --> 00:26:03,062 - Really? - Mmm-hmm. 618 00:26:03,938 --> 00:26:07,317 You can't do it every day, but, every once in a while, for sure. 619 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:09,068 Even on holidays? 620 00:26:09,152 --> 00:26:10,570 Especially on holidays. 621 00:26:11,613 --> 00:26:13,948 Well, fuck you, then! 622 00:26:14,032 --> 00:26:15,784 [chuckling] Fuck you, too! 623 00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:19,996 [chuckling] So you're not... You're not mad at me anymore? 624 00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:23,082 Nah... I love you. 625 00:26:23,917 --> 00:26:26,127 Oh, I feel sick! 626 00:26:27,253 --> 00:26:31,466 Blossom said to put my fear behind me... and to live. 627 00:26:32,550 --> 00:26:34,093 Maybe this is what she was talking about. 628 00:26:34,177 --> 00:26:35,261 Nah. 629 00:26:36,179 --> 00:26:38,723 I think this is what she was talking about. 630 00:26:38,807 --> 00:26:40,642 [both chuckling] 631 00:26:40,725 --> 00:26:44,020 - That thing isn't real, right? - No. It's a prosthetic. 632 00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:45,605 [both giggling] 633 00:26:49,108 --> 00:26:50,360 Wow! 634 00:26:50,443 --> 00:26:52,695 - Blossom never kissed me like that. - [both chuckle] 635 00:26:52,779 --> 00:26:54,864 - Look, I made you something. - Oh! 636 00:26:56,157 --> 00:26:57,826 - Ready? - Yes. 637 00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:02,247 [gasps] You painted my vision board. 638 00:27:02,330 --> 00:27:03,915 And I added myself into it. 639 00:27:03,998 --> 00:27:05,750 Is that your tax return? 640 00:27:06,543 --> 00:27:07,585 Yeah. I don't have much. 641 00:27:07,669 --> 00:27:09,796 - Oh, that's okay. - Mmm. 642 00:27:09,879 --> 00:27:11,130 Is that number what I think it is? 643 00:27:11,214 --> 00:27:14,467 The 410? That's my credit score. 644 00:27:14,551 --> 00:27:19,180 That is the most intimate thing a man has ever shared with me. 645 00:27:19,264 --> 00:27:21,933 - Yeah, it's pretty low. - It is ridiculously low. 646 00:27:22,016 --> 00:27:25,854 And I'm gonna help you get a handle on it. With workbooks. 647 00:27:25,937 --> 00:27:27,397 - I'd like that. - [laughing] 648 00:27:28,147 --> 00:27:34,028 I can't believe you painted yourself into my vision board and drew me to you. 649 00:27:34,112 --> 00:27:35,697 Yeah. And then I drew a pizza. 650 00:27:37,282 --> 00:27:39,075 And that made me hungry, so I ordered pizza. 651 00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:40,618 - Oh. - [Bert] Pizza's here? 652 00:27:40,702 --> 00:27:42,078 Hey, Bert. 653 00:27:42,161 --> 00:27:45,915 [Maria] Oh! Bert, what are you doing here? [Bert] I was watching the game with Scott. 654 00:27:45,999 --> 00:27:48,209 We've also gotten into craft brewing. 655 00:27:48,293 --> 00:27:49,544 Oh! 656 00:27:58,469 --> 00:28:00,930 [Maria chuckling] Okay! Okay. 657 00:28:03,057 --> 00:28:05,184 [Maria] Life. What a kick in the pants. 658 00:28:05,268 --> 00:28:07,061 Love had come for me after all. 659 00:28:07,145 --> 00:28:09,397 So, what does the future hold? Who knows? 660 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:10,648 Who cares? 661 00:28:10,732 --> 00:28:13,735 My hair is blowing and I'm riding a bicycle above the clouds, 662 00:28:13,818 --> 00:28:15,320 and that's enough. 663 00:28:15,403 --> 00:28:18,740 Now I feel like I'm getting somewhere! [chuckling] 664 00:28:19,657 --> 00:28:24,913 [choir singing] I don't know what I'm doing 665 00:28:24,996 --> 00:28:30,627 More than half of the time 666 00:28:30,710 --> 00:28:32,712 [light jazz playing] 667 00:28:32,762 --> 00:28:37,312 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 50870

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.