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1
00:00:01,541 --> 00:00:03,910
Hey! You're Amy Schumer!
2
00:00:04,011 --> 00:00:07,013
"Pussy, pussy,
I'm so confident!"
3
00:00:07,114 --> 00:00:09,282
- I could get a picture?
- Actually, would you mind?
4
00:00:09,383 --> 00:00:10,584
I just... I don't
wanna draw attention.
5
00:00:10,685 --> 00:00:12,251
But it's really
nice to meet you.
6
00:00:12,352 --> 00:00:15,320
Meet you?
I just want a photo.
7
00:00:15,421 --> 00:00:19,059
Wow, you should really be
nicer to your fans, Jeez.
8
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,995
Hi, can I have
a small black coffee?
9
00:00:22,096 --> 00:00:23,163
- Name?
- Amy.
10
00:00:23,264 --> 00:00:27,066
Oh, you're Fat Amy
from that singing movie.
11
00:00:27,167 --> 00:00:29,335
- Pitch something?
- No, that's not me.
12
00:00:29,436 --> 00:00:30,970
Yes, it is...
I didn't see it,
13
00:00:31,071 --> 00:00:32,639
but my brother didn't like it.
14
00:00:32,740 --> 00:00:35,109
(whispers)
Okay, thank you.
15
00:00:36,777 --> 00:00:39,278
Amy? Amy Schumer?
16
00:00:39,379 --> 00:00:40,680
- Yeah.
- Can I have a selfie?
17
00:00:40,781 --> 00:00:42,481
- Oh.
- Can you do something funny?
18
00:00:42,582 --> 00:00:44,283
Like, can I pretend
to grab your boob?
19
00:00:44,384 --> 00:00:45,917
- Ow!
- (mocking) Ow?
20
00:00:46,018 --> 00:00:49,255
Fat Amy?
Fat Amy.
21
00:00:49,356 --> 00:00:50,624
- Fat Amy.
- Thank you.
22
00:00:50,725 --> 00:00:52,692
Oh, my gosh, uh,
can you call my brother?
23
00:00:52,793 --> 00:00:54,795
It is his birthday this summer.
24
00:00:56,564 --> 00:00:57,698
Sure.
25
00:00:59,199 --> 00:01:01,667
- Gonna call him?
- I can't from my phone. I'm working.
26
00:01:01,768 --> 00:01:02,802
You want me to call him
from my phone?
27
00:01:02,903 --> 00:01:04,270
Yeah.
28
00:01:04,371 --> 00:01:08,975
It is 213-555-5555... 5.
29
00:01:09,076 --> 00:01:11,344
(line ringing)
30
00:01:11,445 --> 00:01:12,713
Uh, it went right
to voice mail.
31
00:01:12,814 --> 00:01:14,047
Yeah, he's out
of daytime minutes.
32
00:01:14,148 --> 00:01:15,113
Or, ooh!
33
00:01:15,214 --> 00:01:18,118
Can you make him a video
and text it to him?
34
00:01:18,219 --> 00:01:19,518
Mm-hmm,
what's his name?
35
00:01:19,619 --> 00:01:21,154
- Cashew.
- Like the nut?
36
00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:22,755
No.
37
00:01:22,856 --> 00:01:24,157
(whispers)
Okay.
38
00:01:24,258 --> 00:01:26,726
Hey, Cashew.
Uh, it's Amy.
39
00:01:26,827 --> 00:01:28,895
Here with your sister,
she's working really hard.
40
00:01:28,996 --> 00:01:30,062
She gave me
your number, so, hi,
41
00:01:30,163 --> 00:01:31,830
happy birthday
this summer... okay.
42
00:01:31,931 --> 00:01:33,299
That wasn't funny.
43
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,868
All right, well, I really
have to run, thank you.
44
00:01:35,969 --> 00:01:37,369
It wasn't good,
can I take another one?
45
00:01:37,470 --> 00:01:38,873
Yeah, here, let me do it.
46
00:01:39,940 --> 00:01:41,841
- You're not cute.
- What?
47
00:01:41,942 --> 00:01:44,344
I'm just kidding,
see, I'm funny too!
48
00:01:44,445 --> 00:01:45,878
You should make me
the show, everybody says
49
00:01:45,979 --> 00:01:47,814
I'm just like you,
a piece of shit.
50
00:01:47,915 --> 00:01:49,716
Okay, thanks.
51
00:01:49,817 --> 00:01:51,449
I hate to be that girl,
I'm so that girl
52
00:01:51,550 --> 00:01:54,020
right now, though,
but, um, can, um...
53
00:01:54,121 --> 00:01:56,088
- You want a picture?
- No, can I have $100?
54
00:01:56,189 --> 00:01:57,457
I am such a big fan.
55
00:01:57,558 --> 00:01:59,392
I, like, loved you
since "Chelsea Lately."
56
00:01:59,493 --> 00:02:00,726
I'm not on that show.
57
00:02:00,827 --> 00:02:03,696
Maybe consider being nicer
to people who like you.
58
00:02:03,797 --> 00:02:05,598
(Amy sighs)
59
00:02:05,699 --> 00:02:07,099
Do you have smaller bills?
60
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,534
- No.
- Must be nice.
61
00:02:08,635 --> 00:02:09,736
Hi, are you Amy Schumer?
62
00:02:09,837 --> 00:02:11,871
- I love your legs.
- Thank you.
63
00:02:11,972 --> 00:02:13,706
- Can I eat one?
- What?
64
00:02:13,807 --> 00:02:15,474
What, do you think you're
better than everyone else now?
65
00:02:15,575 --> 00:02:16,742
- Is that it?
- No.
66
00:02:16,843 --> 00:02:18,711
- Let me eat your leg.
- It wasn't good.
67
00:02:18,812 --> 00:02:20,012
- I lost it!
- (Amy) The money?
68
00:02:20,046 --> 00:02:21,748
Yeah, that's why
I wanted smaller bills.
69
00:02:21,849 --> 00:02:23,249
Amy Poehler let me
chew on her hair.
70
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:24,917
- She's great.
- My brother is awake now.
71
00:02:24,951 --> 00:02:26,919
Can you go to his house
and have sex with him?
72
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:27,703
Ow!
73
00:02:27,804 --> 00:02:30,758
Can I be annoying
and ask you for one thing?
74
00:02:33,628 --> 00:02:34,628
Help.
75
00:02:34,729 --> 00:02:35,928
(shutter clicks)
76
00:02:36,029 --> 00:02:40,057
77
00:02:40,158 --> 00:02:45,137
Sync & tweaks by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
78
00:02:45,238 --> 00:02:46,706
I've been on the road
with you for seven years.
79
00:02:46,807 --> 00:02:47,807
- Yes.
- Have I changed?
80
00:02:47,908 --> 00:02:50,309
I would say the only
change is, uh...
81
00:02:50,410 --> 00:02:52,479
the quality of life
has gone way up.
82
00:02:52,580 --> 00:02:53,879
We used to go to IHOP and shit.
83
00:02:53,980 --> 00:02:56,381
Well, I'd still like
to go to IHOP and shit.
84
00:02:56,482 --> 00:02:58,083
- Which is what happens.
- Good point.
85
00:02:58,184 --> 00:03:00,086
Like, is there any difference
you've seen in me?
86
00:03:00,187 --> 00:03:02,389
No, you were...
you were scary back then.
87
00:03:02,490 --> 00:03:04,157
- (laughing)
- No, no, uh...
88
00:03:04,258 --> 00:03:06,284
- No, no, but that's true, I was.
- Yeah.
89
00:03:06,385 --> 00:03:07,727
We were doing, like,
the shittiest clubs...
90
00:03:07,828 --> 00:03:09,428
- Right.
- Staying in comedy condos.
91
00:03:09,529 --> 00:03:11,664
And I was still, like,
"I'm not doing that."
92
00:03:11,765 --> 00:03:13,533
- Yes, yes.
- I've always been
93
00:03:13,634 --> 00:03:15,235
- exactly how I am right now.
- Right.
94
00:03:15,336 --> 00:03:17,937
95
00:03:18,038 --> 00:03:19,806
(pilot/announcer)
From 40,000 feet above the earth
96
00:03:19,907 --> 00:03:22,541
aboard a luxury airship
that never touches the ground
97
00:03:22,642 --> 00:03:24,444
for tax reasons,
it's "Down To Earth,"
98
00:03:24,545 --> 00:03:27,313
with your host,
a regular normal person,
99
00:03:27,414 --> 00:03:31,016
just like you, Amy Schumer!
100
00:03:31,117 --> 00:03:32,351
Oh!
101
00:03:32,452 --> 00:03:34,421
We've got a great show
for you tonight!
102
00:03:34,522 --> 00:03:37,356
But first, let's say "Hi"
to the Down to E Band,
103
00:03:37,457 --> 00:03:40,492
Selena and the Schume-tones!
104
00:03:40,593 --> 00:03:42,128
105
00:03:42,229 --> 00:03:44,196
She has a chef for her dog
106
00:03:44,297 --> 00:03:46,098
She bought
a convent in Prague
107
00:03:46,199 --> 00:03:47,801
She owns three precogs
108
00:03:47,902 --> 00:03:50,202
This girl is just like you
109
00:03:50,303 --> 00:03:52,504
J-j-j-just like you
110
00:03:52,605 --> 00:03:55,207
Look, at you,
Miss Rosetta Stone.
111
00:03:55,308 --> 00:03:57,777
Look how good your English
has gotten, I love!
112
00:03:57,878 --> 00:03:59,379
I was born in Texas.
113
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,549
So... now it's time
for our first segment,
114
00:04:02,650 --> 00:04:04,482
I'm Just Like Us!
115
00:04:04,583 --> 00:04:05,583
That's right, guys,
116
00:04:05,684 --> 00:04:08,654
I get coffee and bagel,
just like me.
117
00:04:08,755 --> 00:04:11,489
And that's my new miniature
dinosaur, Pom Pom,
118
00:04:11,590 --> 00:04:13,325
wearing Narciso Rodriguez.
119
00:04:13,426 --> 00:04:15,995
There are a lot of
misconceptions about min-dins,
120
00:04:16,096 --> 00:04:19,364
but believe you me,
they are the sweetest,
121
00:04:19,465 --> 00:04:22,368
most loving pet
that you can pay
122
00:04:22,469 --> 00:04:24,137
to have genetically
re-engineered.
123
00:04:24,238 --> 00:04:27,707
Pom Pom is a rescue from
extinction and Steven Spielby.
124
00:04:27,808 --> 00:04:32,077
Okay, and then here's me
with Perez... Hilton.
125
00:04:32,178 --> 00:04:35,046
So, look, I get a cup of joe,
no fancy drink for me.
126
00:04:35,147 --> 00:04:37,215
I just say, coffee.
127
00:04:37,316 --> 00:04:38,851
But, uh, uh, you know what?
128
00:04:38,952 --> 00:04:41,554
I have hard days
just like everyone else.
129
00:04:41,655 --> 00:04:43,989
And here's what happened,
so the barista...
130
00:04:44,090 --> 00:04:46,959
she got mad when
Pom Pom had to make shit.
131
00:04:47,060 --> 00:04:51,164
So, I left, and let's just say
I won't be going back.
132
00:04:51,265 --> 00:04:53,198
133
00:04:53,299 --> 00:04:55,267
Today's topic is
using a hidden camera
134
00:04:55,368 --> 00:04:57,936
to spy on your maid who steals.
135
00:04:58,037 --> 00:05:01,507
Let's go to the Relato-Cam
and see what mine is stealing.
136
00:05:02,810 --> 00:05:04,277
There she goes again!
137
00:05:04,378 --> 00:05:06,779
Stop stealing!
138
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,181
(speaking Spanish)
139
00:05:09,282 --> 00:05:11,149
Do I have a maid?
Yes.
140
00:05:11,250 --> 00:05:13,118
Do I know her name?
No.
141
00:05:13,219 --> 00:05:15,053
But I'm just like you.
142
00:05:15,154 --> 00:05:17,022
I still wash my own legs.
143
00:05:17,123 --> 00:05:19,493
I still do my own masturbating.
144
00:05:19,594 --> 00:05:20,726
Thank you.
145
00:05:20,827 --> 00:05:22,895
Sele?a, am I saying that right?
146
00:05:22,996 --> 00:05:24,529
Masturbating or my name?
147
00:05:24,630 --> 00:05:25,932
(text alert pings)
148
00:05:27,534 --> 00:05:28,633
Mmm, wow.
149
00:05:28,734 --> 00:05:30,414
I didn't even know
I was up for that award.
150
00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:31,637
(chuckles)
151
00:05:31,738 --> 00:05:33,205
Here's a life hack for you.
152
00:05:33,306 --> 00:05:36,441
After I make a call
or take a vaggie,
153
00:05:36,542 --> 00:05:39,611
I like to shred my phone
so it doesn't get hacked
154
00:05:39,712 --> 00:05:43,649
by Internet robots who are
super jelly, like so.
155
00:05:43,750 --> 00:05:45,116
(whirring)
156
00:05:45,217 --> 00:05:46,486
Voil?!
157
00:05:46,587 --> 00:05:49,488
Then have your personal assistant
bring you a new phone.
158
00:05:49,589 --> 00:05:52,125
Easy Peasy, beautiful.
Assistant!
159
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:53,459
160
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,297
No, she does not
need walk-on music.
161
00:05:57,563 --> 00:05:59,998
Ooh, thank you,
I love your blouse.
162
00:06:00,099 --> 00:06:01,334
Alligators.
163
00:06:01,435 --> 00:06:03,601
What is your name?
164
00:06:03,702 --> 00:06:07,940
- I'm your sister, Kim?
- Ooh, "Sister Kim."
165
00:06:08,041 --> 00:06:10,275
A nun, high-end.
166
00:06:10,376 --> 00:06:12,277
Now we're gonna meet
our first guest.
167
00:06:12,378 --> 00:06:14,479
Not a celebrity,
he's just a regular,
168
00:06:14,580 --> 00:06:16,748
normal poor person like Sele?a.
169
00:06:16,849 --> 00:06:19,351
- My pilot, Jermone.
- Jero... Jerome.
170
00:06:19,452 --> 00:06:20,620
Jerome.
171
00:06:20,721 --> 00:06:22,856
172
00:06:22,957 --> 00:06:24,457
(Amy)
Careful, Jermone.
173
00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:25,590
Here, have a seat.
174
00:06:25,691 --> 00:06:27,461
You can take a knee
right there.
175
00:06:29,630 --> 00:06:32,998
- Fun, welcome to the show.
- No problem, I was already here.
176
00:06:33,099 --> 00:06:36,501
Just, uh...
steering the zeppelin.
177
00:06:36,602 --> 00:06:38,503
I can relate, interesting.
178
00:06:38,604 --> 00:06:39,806
I'm just like you.
179
00:06:39,907 --> 00:06:41,640
You're the boss lady,
Miss Schumer.
180
00:06:41,741 --> 00:06:44,277
Miss Schumer is
my mother's pussy's name.
181
00:06:44,378 --> 00:06:46,811
You can just call me
America's Golden Eagle.
182
00:06:46,912 --> 00:06:50,715
- Well, America's... Golden Eagle.
- Ew.
183
00:06:50,816 --> 00:06:53,085
- I just mainly fly the zeppelin.
- Mmm.
184
00:06:53,186 --> 00:06:55,721
Refuel the zeppelin.
185
00:06:55,822 --> 00:06:58,890
Do zeppelin repairs,
stuff like that.
186
00:06:58,991 --> 00:06:59,517
(shutter clicks)
187
00:06:59,542 --> 00:07:01,622
Actually, I should probably
get back to the controls.
188
00:07:01,662 --> 00:07:04,397
Nonsense, you're my
guest, it's an honor.
189
00:07:04,498 --> 00:07:07,032
For more information,
check out my lifestyle website.
190
00:07:07,133 --> 00:07:09,702
Engorge.biz.
191
00:07:09,803 --> 00:07:12,238
- (loud whooshing)
- Oh, my God, what's going on?
192
00:07:12,339 --> 00:07:14,507
Nobody's flying
the zeppelin, you idiot!
193
00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,008
You have to go down
with the ship because
194
00:07:16,109 --> 00:07:18,044
you're in the band,
and it's Titanic!
195
00:07:18,145 --> 00:07:19,912
Or we could just
pull up the controls.
196
00:07:20,013 --> 00:07:21,981
I mean, we're 40,000
feet up in the air.
197
00:07:22,082 --> 00:07:23,649
No time!
198
00:07:23,750 --> 00:07:26,852
- We need to cut weight!
- I can fix it!
199
00:07:26,953 --> 00:07:28,520
- Shut up!
- (Jerome screams)
200
00:07:28,621 --> 00:07:30,989
You need to be
my human parachute.
201
00:07:31,090 --> 00:07:32,924
They have real parachutes.
202
00:07:33,025 --> 00:07:34,995
- It's fine.
- Shut up, Sele?a!
203
00:07:35,096 --> 00:07:40,733
Remember, I'm just like you!
204
00:07:40,834 --> 00:07:42,200
Well, I'm gonna go fix this.
205
00:07:42,301 --> 00:07:46,005
206
00:07:49,611 --> 00:07:52,679
207
00:07:52,780 --> 00:07:55,349
(announcer)
This week on "Katfish."
208
00:07:55,450 --> 00:07:57,116
All right, let's dial
this Amy girl up.
209
00:07:57,217 --> 00:07:58,257
Let's see what's going on.
210
00:07:58,286 --> 00:07:59,320
Hi, guys.
211
00:07:59,421 --> 00:08:00,354
- Hey!
- Hey!
212
00:08:00,455 --> 00:08:01,887
Oh, my God, it's you guys.
213
00:08:01,988 --> 00:08:03,489
The one with the gray hair
and the one with not.
214
00:08:03,590 --> 00:08:05,524
- Yup.
- What's going on, Amy?
215
00:08:05,625 --> 00:08:06,760
Yeah, what's the dealio?
216
00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:09,662
I've been talking
to this guy, Jake...
217
00:08:09,763 --> 00:08:11,031
for, like, a year?
218
00:08:11,132 --> 00:08:14,200
And we met in a chatroom
for ferret fanatics.
219
00:08:14,301 --> 00:08:16,902
He's been telling me that
he loves me since week one.
220
00:08:17,003 --> 00:08:19,106
But I'm pretty sure
I'm being katfished.
221
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,274
- What makes you say that?
- Yeah.
222
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,677
Because this is his picture.
223
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:25,913
- Stay right there.
- Don't move.
224
00:08:26,014 --> 00:08:28,881
So, he's saying he's
Jake Gyllenhaal, the actor.
225
00:08:28,982 --> 00:08:31,685
- Yeah, that's a major red flag.
- Um... (chuckling) ...I know.
226
00:08:31,786 --> 00:08:33,252
So, how did he get
in touch with you?
227
00:08:33,353 --> 00:08:34,722
He just messaged me,
and he said,
228
00:08:34,823 --> 00:08:37,957
"You are the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen."
229
00:08:38,058 --> 00:08:39,559
Yeah, that's another red flag.
230
00:08:39,660 --> 00:08:41,562
(Amy)
I know! I know, I know!
231
00:08:41,663 --> 00:08:42,895
He said that, and I was, like,
232
00:08:42,996 --> 00:08:45,966
"Oh, my God,
I'm being katfished."
233
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,400
(laughing)
234
00:08:47,501 --> 00:08:49,461
So, what does he say when
you try to FaceTime him?
235
00:08:49,504 --> 00:08:52,706
Busy, he's so busy,
he's, like, "I can't.
236
00:08:52,807 --> 00:08:55,442
I have to read
a Hollywood movie script."
237
00:08:55,543 --> 00:08:58,245
Wow, let's go find out
who's been katfishing you.
238
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:01,948
Oh, my God, am I going
on an airplane?
239
00:09:02,049 --> 00:09:04,885
240
00:09:04,986 --> 00:09:07,755
Okay, so our unpaid intern
tracked down his IP address
241
00:09:07,856 --> 00:09:09,456
from the e-mails he sent you,
and this is it.
242
00:09:09,557 --> 00:09:10,991
You ready to meet the guy
you've been chatting with?
243
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,393
Oh, my God, I'm so ready.
244
00:09:12,494 --> 00:09:15,228
I hope it's an overweight lesbian
who can't make eye contact.
245
00:09:15,329 --> 00:09:16,328
- (buzzer buzzes)
- (man) Hello?
246
00:09:16,429 --> 00:09:17,898
Hi, it's Amy.
247
00:09:17,999 --> 00:09:20,067
Okay, Amy, even though
your first emotion
248
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:21,735
is probably gonna be anger,
249
00:09:21,836 --> 00:09:24,337
just try to remember that
this person's hurting, too.
250
00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:26,673
How much money do you get
for a spin-off show?
251
00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:28,674
- Like, "The Challenge" or whatever?
- What?
252
00:09:28,775 --> 00:09:31,244
Like, I'm gonna
get MTV famous, right?
253
00:09:31,345 --> 00:09:32,813
Drinks?
254
00:09:32,914 --> 00:09:34,114
I knew it!
255
00:09:34,215 --> 00:09:36,817
Yes! You're just
a lonely loser!
256
00:09:36,918 --> 00:09:38,018
Are you Amy?
257
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,620
I am who I said I am.
258
00:09:39,721 --> 00:09:41,020
Who are you?!
259
00:09:41,121 --> 00:09:42,790
She's here, sir!
260
00:09:47,327 --> 00:09:49,831
Amy, hi!
261
00:09:51,298 --> 00:09:53,467
God, it's so great
to finally meet you.
262
00:09:53,568 --> 00:09:54,967
That's Samuel,
my door assistant.
263
00:09:55,068 --> 00:09:56,470
This is Falkor.
264
00:09:56,571 --> 00:09:58,938
(Falkor chitters)
265
00:09:59,039 --> 00:10:01,274
What's with all the cameras?
266
00:10:01,375 --> 00:10:03,376
Why are you ruining
my episode of "Katfish"?
267
00:10:03,477 --> 00:10:04,544
I totally understand
why you were worried.
268
00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:05,978
I thought I was being katfished
269
00:10:06,079 --> 00:10:07,479
by someone pretending
to be a model.
270
00:10:07,548 --> 00:10:12,084
But then, I felt like love is
about taking a chance and...
271
00:10:12,185 --> 00:10:13,886
here you are,
and I'm so glad I did.
272
00:10:13,987 --> 00:10:15,355
So, all that stuff
you said about
273
00:10:15,456 --> 00:10:17,457
being nominated for an Oscar,
that was true?
274
00:10:17,558 --> 00:10:18,638
Of course, why would I lie?
275
00:10:18,726 --> 00:10:21,193
That's, like,
a really cool thing to get.
276
00:10:21,294 --> 00:10:22,862
And all those awesome stories
277
00:10:22,963 --> 00:10:24,365
about you eating shrimp
at craft services?
278
00:10:24,466 --> 00:10:25,865
I guess those were
all true, too.
279
00:10:25,966 --> 00:10:27,299
I would never lie to you, Amy.
280
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,669
Where's Margot, by the way?
281
00:10:29,770 --> 00:10:31,838
- Margot?
- Your beloved ferret?
282
00:10:31,939 --> 00:10:34,073
Oh, um... I got...
I got rid of her.
283
00:10:34,174 --> 00:10:35,708
What... what are you
talking about?
284
00:10:35,809 --> 00:10:37,569
I sold her so that
I could afford a publicist
285
00:10:37,611 --> 00:10:39,313
for when I got famous
on "Katfish."
286
00:10:39,414 --> 00:10:40,413
Are you serious?
287
00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:42,015
I mean, she'd shit
all over the place,
288
00:10:42,116 --> 00:10:43,583
and she smelled like dicks.
289
00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:45,124
I didn't even know
what a ferret was.
290
00:10:45,185 --> 00:10:47,554
I thought it was just,
like, a long gerbil.
291
00:10:47,655 --> 00:10:48,775
I thought you loved ferrets.
292
00:10:48,823 --> 00:10:50,457
I thought they were
your main hobby.
293
00:10:50,558 --> 00:10:51,692
Were you lying to me?
294
00:10:51,793 --> 00:10:53,273
Yeah, I thought
I was being katfished.
295
00:10:53,327 --> 00:10:55,060
- Fuck you.
- Fuck me?
296
00:10:55,161 --> 00:10:56,163
Fuck you, Amy!
297
00:10:56,264 --> 00:10:58,130
I believed in you!
298
00:10:58,231 --> 00:11:00,867
God, this is
so fucking embarrassing!
299
00:11:00,968 --> 00:11:02,202
Fuck you!
300
00:11:02,303 --> 00:11:03,202
Fuck you, Amy!
301
00:11:03,303 --> 00:11:04,572
I believed in you!
302
00:11:04,673 --> 00:11:08,675
I can't... God, this is
so fucking embarrassing!
303
00:11:08,776 --> 00:11:10,944
So embarrassing!
304
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,680
Fuck you!
305
00:11:14,649 --> 00:11:16,015
(Amy sighs)
306
00:11:16,116 --> 00:11:18,351
So, like, when does...
when does this air?
307
00:11:18,452 --> 00:11:19,452
Come on, we're not
gonna air this.
308
00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:20,452
You weren't katfished.
309
00:11:20,553 --> 00:11:23,724
Of course you were,
you gorgeous idiot.
310
00:11:27,727 --> 00:11:30,865
They've been hot Chinatown
garbage this whole time.
311
00:11:30,966 --> 00:11:32,265
What?
312
00:11:32,366 --> 00:11:33,867
(insect buzzing)
313
00:11:34,901 --> 00:11:36,101
"Katfish."
314
00:11:36,202 --> 00:11:37,571
Coming up next on MTV,
315
00:11:37,672 --> 00:11:39,906
"True Life:
I'm Hot Chinatown Garbage."
316
00:11:40,007 --> 00:11:42,242
317
00:11:43,544 --> 00:11:46,115
318
00:11:54,523 --> 00:11:56,723
- Oh, I'm, I'm so...
- Shit.
319
00:11:56,824 --> 00:11:58,159
Excuse me.
320
00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:00,495
Would you mind
lending me your wife?
321
00:12:00,596 --> 00:12:01,928
Excuse me?
322
00:12:02,029 --> 00:12:03,765
For luck.
323
00:12:03,866 --> 00:12:06,101
It's okay, honey.
324
00:12:06,202 --> 00:12:07,536
He's in a suit.
325
00:12:12,942 --> 00:12:16,244
I got money...
lots of it.
326
00:12:16,345 --> 00:12:18,579
But you have
something I don't have.
327
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:19,948
What?
328
00:12:21,982 --> 00:12:24,250
Her?
329
00:12:24,351 --> 00:12:27,353
- What's up?
- That's not a necklace.
330
00:12:27,454 --> 00:12:29,591
Supposing I were
to make you an offer,
331
00:12:29,692 --> 00:12:31,760
to spend one night
with your wife.
332
00:12:31,861 --> 00:12:33,028
- Uh, how much mon...
- Pass.
333
00:12:33,129 --> 00:12:34,361
No, shh...
334
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,895
- Shut your hole. Shut your little hole.
- What?
335
00:12:35,996 --> 00:12:37,331
What... what are
we talking about here?
336
00:12:37,432 --> 00:12:39,132
For $39.
337
00:12:39,233 --> 00:12:42,437
- Wait, $39 million?
- No.
338
00:12:42,538 --> 00:12:44,105
(whispers)
Shut the fuck up.
339
00:12:44,206 --> 00:12:46,539
So, it feels like
you want me to do it?
340
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,442
Is that...
do you wanna...
341
00:12:48,543 --> 00:12:49,783
is that something
you'd wanna...
342
00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:51,470
No, I definitely
don't wanna do it.
343
00:12:55,217 --> 00:12:56,684
Like, I can...
344
00:12:56,785 --> 00:12:58,819
Oh, thanks, baby.
Thank you.
345
00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:00,688
Do you know
what this could mean?
346
00:13:00,789 --> 00:13:03,189
For the future of our weekend?
347
00:13:03,290 --> 00:13:07,127
We could go to Red Lobster
and not just get the shrimp.
348
00:13:07,228 --> 00:13:09,496
We could get some lobster.
349
00:13:09,597 --> 00:13:12,299
We could go
to the movies together.
350
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,701
(Amy)
And get popcorn?
351
00:13:13,802 --> 00:13:17,172
Probably not the popcorn.
352
00:13:17,273 --> 00:13:18,706
Yeah.
353
00:13:19,941 --> 00:13:22,711
- Really?
- I guess so.
354
00:13:22,812 --> 00:13:23,892
You know, if you were mine,
355
00:13:23,978 --> 00:13:28,515
I wouldn't share you
with anyone for $39.
356
00:13:28,616 --> 00:13:30,217
Just tell me what
happened, did he...
357
00:13:30,318 --> 00:13:32,153
It was just sex, Sam!
358
00:13:32,254 --> 00:13:34,487
Not love, just sex.
359
00:13:34,588 --> 00:13:35,857
All right, I get it!
360
00:13:37,125 --> 00:13:38,826
Pick a hole, Sam!
361
00:13:38,927 --> 00:13:40,494
'Cause he fucked me in it.
362
00:13:40,595 --> 00:13:41,563
He got you in the...
363
00:13:41,664 --> 00:13:43,563
Yeah, he put it in my tushy.
364
00:13:43,664 --> 00:13:45,899
That hurts my feelings,
that's horrible.
365
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,068
Would you feel better
if you heard exactly
366
00:13:48,169 --> 00:13:49,703
- where he came on me?
- Uh, no...
367
00:13:49,804 --> 00:13:51,405
I want you to feel
better about this.
368
00:13:51,506 --> 00:13:53,089
Because I feel...
kind of great about it.
369
00:13:53,114 --> 00:13:54,131
No, I wouldn't feel...
370
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:56,610
- Please, please, stop.
- I don't want anything to change.
371
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,045
I don't want that
I am a squirter now
372
00:13:58,146 --> 00:13:59,514
- to change...
- Okay, oh, my God!
373
00:13:59,615 --> 00:14:01,249
...anything about us,
I love you.
374
00:14:01,350 --> 00:14:03,083
I didn't even know
you could squirt.
375
00:14:03,184 --> 00:14:05,086
I don't wanna be
DP'd by him and a friend
376
00:14:05,187 --> 00:14:06,787
that showed up last minute!
377
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,389
I wanna be with you!
378
00:14:08,490 --> 00:14:11,024
379
00:14:11,125 --> 00:14:12,645
(Robert) The evening
would come and go,
380
00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:14,928
but the $39 could last
maybe a day.
381
00:14:15,029 --> 00:14:18,164
Think of it, $39.
382
00:14:18,265 --> 00:14:21,336
- For one night?
- Right, but, um...
383
00:14:21,437 --> 00:14:25,573
Babe, we just got $100,000
from both my parents dying.
384
00:14:25,674 --> 00:14:27,475
Yeah, but you know
what's better than $100,000
385
00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:28,736
from both your parents dying?
386
00:14:28,810 --> 00:14:30,877
100,000...
387
00:14:30,978 --> 00:14:34,981
and $39 from both
your parents dying.
388
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:36,552
Both your parents died?
389
00:14:38,819 --> 00:14:41,389
390
00:14:41,490 --> 00:14:42,957
You remember the movie,
"Indecent Proposal"?
391
00:14:43,058 --> 00:14:43,650
I did.
392
00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:45,449
What did that movie,
like, do for you?
393
00:14:45,526 --> 00:14:46,894
It made me realize
that there's no woman
394
00:14:46,995 --> 00:14:48,235
I've ever loved that I wouldn't
395
00:14:48,297 --> 00:14:50,895
have gladly given up for a small
percentage of that money.
396
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:51,755
(laughing)
397
00:14:51,832 --> 00:14:54,101
The girlfriend you loved
the most in your whole life.
398
00:14:54,202 --> 00:14:55,336
What would you have
given her up for a night?
399
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,771
- I actually...
- 1500 a hole.
400
00:14:57,872 --> 00:15:00,341
1500 a hole,
he could've had her for.
401
00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:03,278
402
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:05,947
I can't believe you got us
into this place.
403
00:15:06,048 --> 00:15:08,348
It's, like, a month-long
wait for reservations.
404
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:11,519
Yeah, let's just say
I have connections.
405
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:13,188
- I have connections.
- "I have connections."
406
00:15:13,289 --> 00:15:15,756
My God, I have
so much fun with you.
407
00:15:19,861 --> 00:15:21,462
Who's that?
408
00:15:21,563 --> 00:15:23,764
Oh, that's the head chef,
Link Donovan.
409
00:15:23,865 --> 00:15:25,500
He used to work
at Chez Lubbee's,
410
00:15:25,601 --> 00:15:29,035
but they fired him because
apparently he's a huge asshole.
411
00:15:29,136 --> 00:15:31,005
Anyway, I booked us a room...
412
00:15:31,106 --> 00:15:34,109
(Amy thinking) Hmm, I didn't know
this place had a bad boy chef.
413
00:15:35,610 --> 00:15:38,312
Wow, his sunglasses
are on backward.
414
00:15:38,413 --> 00:15:39,779
Yes, please.
415
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,481
So, what do you
think about that?
416
00:15:41,582 --> 00:15:44,519
Um... Uh, yeah.
417
00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:47,621
I guess everybody needs a place
to put their sunglasses.
418
00:15:47,722 --> 00:15:49,957
- What?
- What'd you say?
419
00:15:50,058 --> 00:15:53,160
Oh, I just thought that
after the couples' dressage,
420
00:15:53,261 --> 00:15:55,163
I could buy you some boots.
421
00:15:55,264 --> 00:15:57,497
I know you have a lot
of boots, but, uh...
422
00:15:57,598 --> 00:15:59,699
(Amy thinking)
He seems so misunderstood.
423
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,370
Don't ask me for sauce
on the side ever again!
424
00:16:02,471 --> 00:16:03,770
Get the fuck out of here!
425
00:16:03,871 --> 00:16:05,372
(Amy thinking)
That's right, my BBC.
426
00:16:05,473 --> 00:16:07,006
(Doug)
What was that?
427
00:16:07,107 --> 00:16:08,442
I don't know, Doug.
428
00:16:08,543 --> 00:16:11,212
Maybe just a flawed man trying
to follow his passion while
429
00:16:11,313 --> 00:16:14,215
coming to terms
with his need for sadness.
430
00:16:14,316 --> 00:16:15,448
Are you all right?
431
00:16:15,549 --> 00:16:18,419
What? Yeah, just keep talking
so I can think.
432
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,255
Oh, okay, the hotel.
433
00:16:20,356 --> 00:16:21,922
(needle buzzing)
434
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:25,391
(Amy thinking) No time for quiet,
my gourmet golden pony boy.
435
00:16:25,492 --> 00:16:26,562
(echoing)
Ahh!
436
00:16:30,598 --> 00:16:32,533
I'm sorry, but how do we
not have our food by now?
437
00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,501
God, it's never about
the food, Doug!
438
00:16:34,602 --> 00:16:39,405
Can't a man redeem himself with
local sustainable ingredients?
439
00:16:39,506 --> 00:16:40,441
What, who?
440
00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:44,379
Shut the fuck up, Doug!
441
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:45,681
Thank you.
442
00:16:47,281 --> 00:16:51,718
Wow, so well-plated.
Compliments to the chef.
443
00:16:51,819 --> 00:16:53,822
(soft music playing)
444
00:16:56,457 --> 00:17:00,894
- Does this taste raw to you?
- That's how I like it.
445
00:17:00,995 --> 00:17:02,364
(soft music continues)
446
00:17:10,871 --> 00:17:11,972
What about you, Kenny?
447
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:13,433
Have you ever met
a celebrity chef?
448
00:17:13,475 --> 00:17:16,477
My wife watches
a lot of cooking shows.
449
00:17:16,578 --> 00:17:18,980
Why are you so
awful to talk to?
450
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,815
It's my nature.
451
00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:23,118
452
00:17:24,153 --> 00:17:26,990
453
00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:29,991
Jess...
454
00:17:30,092 --> 00:17:31,994
- Jess Sapienza.
- Stop!
455
00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:33,995
- You are my friend for my whole life.
- Yes.
456
00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:35,830
And I've been
for a couple years
457
00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:37,498
wanting you to come
and review movies.
458
00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,900
'Cause whenever
you see a movie,
459
00:17:39,001 --> 00:17:40,401
you go, "I'd be a good
movie reviewer."
460
00:17:40,502 --> 00:17:41,635
Right.
461
00:17:41,736 --> 00:17:43,005
First of all,
you saw "The Revenant."
462
00:17:43,106 --> 00:17:45,207
- (laughing) Stop it!
- No.
463
00:17:45,308 --> 00:17:47,843
Yes, I saw "The Revenant."
That's all we talked about.
464
00:17:47,944 --> 00:17:49,510
Well, I have not heard yet.
465
00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:52,014
Please, you're
a movie reviewer.
466
00:17:52,115 --> 00:17:53,314
Please review
"The Revenant."
467
00:17:53,415 --> 00:17:56,919
All right, I watched it
at home illegally.
468
00:17:57,020 --> 00:17:58,888
So it was awesome.
469
00:17:58,989 --> 00:18:00,029
- Now what happens?
- Okay.
470
00:18:00,056 --> 00:18:01,523
All right, the bear, hello.
471
00:18:01,624 --> 00:18:05,326
Yeah, Leonardo DiCaprio
has a bear attack,
472
00:18:05,427 --> 00:18:08,596
and Tom Hardy left him
for dead.
473
00:18:08,697 --> 00:18:13,235
And, yadda yadda yadda,
"The Revenant" is, uh,
474
00:18:13,336 --> 00:18:15,503
comes back and then
kills Tom Hardy.
475
00:18:15,604 --> 00:18:16,939
(laughing)
476
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,441
Okay, what do you think
the movie "Carol" is about?
477
00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:23,512
Well, I thought it's about
lesbians. (laughing)
478
00:18:23,613 --> 00:18:24,946
You don't have to whisper it.
479
00:18:25,047 --> 00:18:28,016
Like, girls are straight-up
allowed to just go at it now.
480
00:18:28,117 --> 00:18:29,597
What is the most recent
movie you saw?
481
00:18:29,652 --> 00:18:32,588
I... two nights ago,
we watched "The Night Before"
482
00:18:32,589 --> 00:18:33,722
with Seth Rogen.
483
00:18:33,723 --> 00:18:34,657
Review it.
484
00:18:34,758 --> 00:18:35,958
- I will review it.
- Do it.
485
00:18:36,059 --> 00:18:38,426
- I fell asleep.
- Jess, that's...
486
00:18:38,527 --> 00:18:39,762
(laughing)
487
00:18:39,863 --> 00:18:41,764
Review "Mockingjay 2."
488
00:18:41,865 --> 00:18:43,731
Okay.
489
00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:47,369
I have a severe crush
on, um, Cressida.
490
00:18:47,470 --> 00:18:48,536
Like, a hard crush.
491
00:18:48,637 --> 00:18:49,938
What's Cressida?
492
00:18:50,039 --> 00:18:52,106
Um, what's her name?
Natalie Dormer.
493
00:18:52,207 --> 00:18:53,652
Oh, oh, her name's
Cressida in the... okay.
494
00:18:53,677 --> 00:18:54,399
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
495
00:18:54,476 --> 00:18:55,943
So, okay, so the review so far
is about Cressida.
496
00:18:56,044 --> 00:18:57,278
Forget about the movie,
forget about the movie.
497
00:18:57,379 --> 00:18:58,380
But that's what we're doing,
498
00:18:58,481 --> 00:18:59,747
we're reviewing the movie,
that's...
499
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:02,784
But before that...
at like the premiere of it.
500
00:19:02,885 --> 00:19:05,420
First explain...
how you got invited
501
00:19:05,521 --> 00:19:07,622
to the "Mockingjay 2" premiere.
502
00:19:07,723 --> 00:19:09,090
Tell me the plot.
503
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,892
You could definitely tell
that a lot better than me.
504
00:19:10,893 --> 00:19:13,562
Um, okay, well,
from what I remember,
505
00:19:13,663 --> 00:19:15,130
we'd been hanging out
with Jennifer Lawrence
506
00:19:15,231 --> 00:19:17,064
for about two hours.
507
00:19:17,165 --> 00:19:21,769
And then out of nowhere,
literally nowhere, you went,
508
00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:24,939
"Jennifer, here's why
I should be invited
509
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,910
"to the 'Mockingjay 2'
premiere.
510
00:19:28,011 --> 00:19:29,510
"I read all the books.
511
00:19:29,611 --> 00:19:31,779
- I'm a fan!"
- Do I sound like that?
512
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,114
Is that what I sound like?
513
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,417
Exactly like that.
514
00:19:35,518 --> 00:19:36,685
(laughing)
515
00:19:36,786 --> 00:19:38,018
So, we saw...
516
00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:40,089
- we went to the "Mockingjay 2" premiere.
- Yes.
517
00:19:40,190 --> 00:19:44,493
We were at a bar and shoving
our... like, nobody would eat.
518
00:19:44,594 --> 00:19:46,762
We were invited
to the upstairs movie thing.
519
00:19:46,863 --> 00:19:47,996
The pre... yeah, yeah.
520
00:19:48,097 --> 00:19:49,937
And I'm at the bar
and Natalie Dormer walks up.
521
00:19:50,032 --> 00:19:51,499
And I've gotten good
with, like, celebrities.
522
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,000
- You're very cool with them now.
- I've gotten better.
523
00:19:53,101 --> 00:19:55,036
- You've gotten better.
- I've gotten better.
524
00:19:55,137 --> 00:19:58,172
Okay, I'm just remembering
at the, um, premiere
525
00:19:58,273 --> 00:20:00,041
of "Trainwreck" when you
went up to Bill Hader going,
526
00:20:00,142 --> 00:20:01,942
"Do your gay character!"
527
00:20:02,043 --> 00:20:03,545
He loved that!
528
00:20:03,646 --> 00:20:05,779
- (laughing)
- He did.
529
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,149
- Okay, so...
- So, uh...
530
00:20:07,250 --> 00:20:09,651
So for the review is that
you like Natalie Dormer.
531
00:20:09,752 --> 00:20:11,486
And that she was eating
next to you at a bar
532
00:20:11,587 --> 00:20:12,939
where you were, like, literally
eating your own body weight.
533
00:20:12,964 --> 00:20:14,723
Right, and I... yeah, yeah,
yeah, right, that's it.
534
00:20:14,823 --> 00:20:16,824
Okay, that's the whole...
That's the movie!
535
00:20:16,925 --> 00:20:19,861
No, it was good, it was good,
it was good, um...
536
00:20:19,962 --> 00:20:21,082
I'm trying to remember that.
537
00:20:21,163 --> 00:20:23,297
I don't know, um...
538
00:20:23,398 --> 00:20:25,333
Okay, what movie...
539
00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:26,674
I'm, I'm, I'm blank, I'm blank.
540
00:20:26,702 --> 00:20:29,837
- What movie is...
- (laughing) I'm sorry.
541
00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:31,506
No, you're gonna get
so many job offers
542
00:20:31,607 --> 00:20:33,007
out of these
movie reviews, Jess.
543
00:20:33,108 --> 00:20:35,677
544
00:20:35,778 --> 00:20:37,579
But I thought
you loved ferrets.
545
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,047
(Amy laughing)
546
00:20:40,148 --> 00:20:44,084
God, this is so
fucking embarrassing!
547
00:20:44,185 --> 00:20:45,987
Fuck you!
548
00:20:46,088 --> 00:20:47,355
Fuck you, Amy!
549
00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:48,523
(screaming)
550
00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:50,560
Oh, my God...
(laughing)
551
00:20:56,331 --> 00:20:57,731
(woman)
So easy.
552
00:20:57,832 --> 00:20:59,001
(man)
Mmm, magic.
553
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,725
Sync & tweaks by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
554
00:21:00,775 --> 00:21:05,325
Repair and Synchronization by
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