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1
00:00:03,451 --> 00:00:06,875
Milk, milk lemonade
Milk, milk lemonade
2
00:00:06,899 --> 00:00:08,599
Milk, milk lemonade
3
00:00:08,623 --> 00:00:10,323
'Round the corner
fudge is made
4
00:00:10,347 --> 00:00:13,771
Milk, milk lemonade
Milk, milk lemonade
5
00:00:13,795 --> 00:00:15,351
Milk, milk lemonade
6
00:00:15,352 --> 00:00:17,018
'Round the corner
fudge is made
7
00:00:17,154 --> 00:00:20,355
Milk, milk lemonade
Milk, milk lemonade
8
00:00:20,490 --> 00:00:22,190
Milk, milk lemonade
9
00:00:22,325 --> 00:00:23,858
'Round the corner
fudge is made
10
00:00:23,944 --> 00:00:27,412
I used to think that
my tits was where it's at
11
00:00:27,531 --> 00:00:30,281
Used to be concerned that
my booty was too fat
12
00:00:30,367 --> 00:00:33,785
But now I know the truth
and that worry has been shot
13
00:00:33,870 --> 00:00:35,370
Big booty's what they want
14
00:00:35,505 --> 00:00:37,755
And big booty's what I got
15
00:00:37,874 --> 00:00:41,176
Milk, milk lemonade
Milk, milk lemonade
16
00:00:41,261 --> 00:00:42,627
Milk, milk lemonade
17
00:00:42,712 --> 00:00:44,596
'Round the corner
fudge is made
18
00:00:44,714 --> 00:00:48,049
Milk, milk lemonade
Milk, milk lemonade
19
00:00:48,134 --> 00:00:49,968
Milk, milk lemonade
20
00:00:50,053 --> 00:00:51,436
'Round the corner
fudge is made
21
00:00:51,555 --> 00:00:54,639
Tits are old news
if you know what I mean
22
00:00:54,724 --> 00:00:58,193
All the guys love my
fudge machine
23
00:00:58,278 --> 00:00:59,477
Look me in the eye
24
00:00:59,563 --> 00:01:01,279
Get your face in
don't be shy
25
00:01:01,398 --> 00:01:02,981
You say you
don't like asses
26
00:01:03,066 --> 00:01:05,900
'Cause I fart and break
your glasses
27
00:01:05,986 --> 00:01:07,735
Turd cutter
28
00:01:07,871 --> 00:01:09,120
Loaf pincher
29
00:01:09,239 --> 00:01:11,072
Dookie maker
30
00:01:11,208 --> 00:01:12,790
Fudge machine
31
00:01:12,909 --> 00:01:14,292
Cheek-tastic
32
00:01:14,411 --> 00:01:16,077
Booty Mastiff
33
00:01:16,213 --> 00:01:17,662
Giant tuchus
34
00:01:17,747 --> 00:01:18,846
Fudge machine
35
00:01:18,882 --> 00:01:21,799
On my booty empire
The sun never set
36
00:01:21,918 --> 00:01:22,750
Take a shot
37
00:01:22,886 --> 00:01:23,918
Yeah
38
00:01:24,004 --> 00:01:25,803
Nothing but net
39
00:01:25,922 --> 00:01:27,338
Milk, milk lemonade
40
00:01:27,424 --> 00:01:29,090
'Round the corner
fudge is made
41
00:01:29,226 --> 00:01:30,808
I'm gonna make
you scream and shout
42
00:01:30,927 --> 00:01:32,393
From the part of my body
where poop comes out
43
00:01:32,479 --> 00:01:34,229
This is where my
poop comes out
44
00:01:34,314 --> 00:01:35,980
This is where my poop
comes out
45
00:01:36,099 --> 00:01:37,565
This is where my
poop comes out
46
00:01:37,651 --> 00:01:39,350
This is where my poop
comes out
47
00:01:39,436 --> 00:01:41,102
Talking about my
fudge machine
48
00:01:41,238 --> 00:01:42,937
Talking about my
fudge machine
49
00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:44,489
Talking about my
fudge machine
50
00:01:44,608 --> 00:01:47,075
Talking about my
fudge machine
51
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:48,610
That's right, ladies.
52
00:01:48,695 --> 00:01:51,446
Ain't nothing better than a big,
beautiful, sexy booty.
53
00:01:51,531 --> 00:01:54,616
But bottom line,
no matter how fine the behind,
54
00:01:54,751 --> 00:01:57,335
you better call that onion
what it really is.
55
00:01:57,454 --> 00:01:59,120
That shit's a fudge machine.
56
00:01:59,256 --> 00:02:00,171
Turn out.
57
00:02:00,290 --> 00:02:03,291
Milk, milk lemonade
Milk, milk lemonade
58
00:02:03,426 --> 00:02:05,126
Milk, milk lemonade
59
00:02:05,262 --> 00:02:07,045
'Round the corner
fudge is made
60
00:02:07,130 --> 00:02:08,379
This is where her
poop comes out
61
00:02:08,465 --> 00:02:10,131
This is where your
poop comes out
62
00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:11,747
This is where their
poop comes out
63
00:02:11,768 --> 00:02:13,635
This is where our
poop comes out
64
00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:15,386
This is what you
think is hot
65
00:02:15,472 --> 00:02:17,272
This is what you
think is hot
66
00:02:17,357 --> 00:02:19,107
This is what you
think is hot
67
00:02:19,192 --> 00:02:20,558
Talking about my
fudge machine
68
00:02:20,644 --> 00:02:22,277
This is what you
think is hot
69
00:02:22,362 --> 00:02:24,062
This is what you
think is hot
70
00:02:24,147 --> 00:02:25,697
This is what you
think is hot
71
00:02:25,815 --> 00:02:27,482
Talking about my
fudge machine
72
00:02:29,286 --> 00:02:30,985
It's where
your poop comes out.
73
00:02:34,421 --> 00:02:40,421
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
74
00:02:41,014 --> 00:02:42,547
This seems to be
the year of the ass.
75
00:02:42,632 --> 00:02:44,672
I think the ass is overtaking
the boobs, definitely.
76
00:02:44,684 --> 00:02:46,434
Do you think the tits
could ever make a comeback?
77
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,269
The tits will always be there,
everyone loves titties.
78
00:02:48,355 --> 00:02:49,971
- Everyone loves titties.
- Everyone loves titties.
79
00:02:50,056 --> 00:02:51,356
Do you think tits will
ever make a comeback?
80
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,358
- I hope so.
- We can only pray.
81
00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:55,077
Please, Lord.
Please make tits come back.
82
00:02:55,145 --> 00:02:56,144
Lord, hear our prayer.
83
00:02:56,229 --> 00:02:57,862
Can you describe
the perfect ass?
84
00:02:57,981 --> 00:02:59,898
Not too small.
85
00:02:59,983 --> 00:03:01,566
Not too firm, not too soft.
86
00:03:01,651 --> 00:03:03,868
Stretch marks are okay.
(Amy laughing)
87
00:03:03,987 --> 00:03:05,870
This sounds like
the worst futon ever.
88
00:03:05,989 --> 00:03:08,272
I feel like you're assuming
that I have ass stretch marks
89
00:03:08,358 --> 00:03:10,725
and you're right.
90
00:03:10,961 --> 00:03:13,495
Can you describe
your perfect ass?
91
00:03:13,580 --> 00:03:15,130
Has to be dry.
92
00:03:15,215 --> 00:03:17,665
- I've got a girl for you.
- Really?
93
00:03:17,801 --> 00:03:18,967
I'm out, immediately.
94
00:03:19,052 --> 00:03:21,986
I shit myself in Austin when I
was going for a walk recently.
95
00:03:24,724 --> 00:03:28,343
96
00:03:35,452 --> 00:03:36,784
(morning announcer)
It's Monday and that means
97
00:03:36,886 --> 00:03:40,155
the big game against Galveston
is just a few days away.
98
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,190
We're praying that new guy,
Coach Thompson,
99
00:03:42,275 --> 00:03:44,859
is getting our
Bronconeers ready for combat.
100
00:03:44,945 --> 00:03:46,828
You the new football
coach down at the high school?
101
00:03:46,913 --> 00:03:48,696
Yes, sir.
Coach Thompson.
102
00:03:48,782 --> 00:03:50,698
- This is my wife, Amy.
- Hey, y'all.
103
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:52,450
Coach Crawford was like family.
104
00:03:52,536 --> 00:03:54,185
You got some big shoes to fill.
105
00:03:54,204 --> 00:03:57,029
We sure love our football around
here, more than anything.
106
00:03:57,090 --> 00:03:58,923
My wife baked you
up a pecan crumb.
107
00:03:59,042 --> 00:04:01,009
- Go Bronconeers!
- Bronconeers.
108
00:04:01,094 --> 00:04:02,994
Ain't it good to be the coach?
109
00:04:07,217 --> 00:04:08,850
(wine splashing)
110
00:04:08,935 --> 00:04:10,385
Woo!
111
00:04:14,024 --> 00:04:15,557
She could get it all night
112
00:04:15,692 --> 00:04:18,226
Night, night, night,
night, night, night
113
00:04:18,361 --> 00:04:19,227
She could get it
114
00:04:19,362 --> 00:04:20,395
(radio switches off)
115
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,398
Now, I'm not sure
what you heard about me,
116
00:04:23,533 --> 00:04:24,649
but I do things
a little different
117
00:04:24,734 --> 00:04:26,614
than y'all are used to
here in Stewford Heights.
118
00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:28,260
This season, we're gonna
be the first team
119
00:04:28,371 --> 00:04:29,971
in the county to run
a no-huddle offense.
120
00:04:29,990 --> 00:04:31,906
- What?
- You don't like that?
121
00:04:32,042 --> 00:04:34,042
You can just look at my 14-2
record Northeast last year.
122
00:04:34,127 --> 00:04:36,411
Second, we do
two-a-days every day.
123
00:04:36,546 --> 00:04:37,795
Mm-hmm.
124
00:04:37,914 --> 00:04:40,415
And third, now, I just need you
go to with me on this one.
125
00:04:41,751 --> 00:04:45,086
(marker screeching)
126
00:04:46,423 --> 00:04:47,672
(boy)
No raping?
127
00:04:47,757 --> 00:04:49,474
But coach, we play football.
128
00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:50,621
My team, my rules.
129
00:04:50,646 --> 00:04:53,594
You don't like it, don't let the
door rape you on the way out.
130
00:04:54,481 --> 00:04:56,064
(clipboard slamming on floor)
131
00:04:56,149 --> 00:04:57,684
- Can we rape at away games?
- Nope.
132
00:04:57,709 --> 00:05:00,936
What if it's Halloween and
she's dressed like a sexy cat?
133
00:05:01,021 --> 00:05:02,570
- Nope.
- What if she thinks it's rape
134
00:05:02,656 --> 00:05:04,188
- but I don't?
- (Coach Thompson) Still no.
135
00:05:04,274 --> 00:05:06,441
What about, like,
a sexy ladybug?
136
00:05:06,526 --> 00:05:07,442
- (boy) Ah, yeah.
- Mm.
137
00:05:07,577 --> 00:05:09,494
Nope.
(disappointed sighing)
138
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:12,079
A ghost?
What about a sexy owl?
139
00:05:12,949 --> 00:05:13,948
(bell ringing)
140
00:05:15,085 --> 00:05:16,367
Sexy Transformer?
141
00:05:16,453 --> 00:05:20,171
What if my mom is the D.A.
and won't prosecute?
142
00:05:20,290 --> 00:05:22,624
- Can I rape?
- No, you cannot.
143
00:05:22,709 --> 00:05:23,841
(disappointed sighing)
144
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:26,127
What if she's drunk
and has a slight reputation
145
00:05:26,263 --> 00:05:27,512
and no one's gonna believe her?
146
00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:29,180
- That ain't allowed.
- Okay.
147
00:05:29,299 --> 00:05:31,266
The girl said yes to me
the other day,
148
00:05:31,351 --> 00:05:33,184
- but it was about something else.
- No.
149
00:05:33,203 --> 00:05:34,302
What if the girl said yes
150
00:05:34,437 --> 00:05:37,972
but then she changes her mind out
of nowhere, like a crazy person.
151
00:05:38,058 --> 00:05:39,073
You gotta stop.
152
00:05:39,109 --> 00:05:41,229
- No, you gotta stop!
- (boys) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
153
00:05:41,311 --> 00:05:42,310
Hey! Hey!
154
00:05:42,445 --> 00:05:43,645
(boy)
Where did that come from?
155
00:05:52,122 --> 00:05:53,288
(woman)
Hey.
156
00:05:53,373 --> 00:05:55,093
You're that new coach
who don't like raping.
157
00:05:55,158 --> 00:05:57,292
(woman 2) How are our boys supposed
to celebrate when they win?
158
00:05:57,377 --> 00:05:59,043
Or blow off steam
if they lose?
159
00:05:59,162 --> 00:06:00,461
(hocking a loogie, spitting)
160
00:06:00,547 --> 00:06:03,331
That's not very
neighborly, ladies.
161
00:06:03,466 --> 00:06:06,167
These folks,
that's just their way, okay?
162
00:06:06,303 --> 00:06:08,920
You can't bring a wet mule
around a hot corn oven.
163
00:06:09,005 --> 00:06:10,722
- Yeah, that's the truth.
- Right?
164
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:13,474
How about just backing off this
whole no raping thing for now?
165
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:14,676
- No, I know, I--
- We've been through this--
166
00:06:14,811 --> 00:06:17,478
I know we've been through it and
I know we have a daughter, okay?
167
00:06:17,564 --> 00:06:20,515
I know that and I love her,
but I am so tired.
168
00:06:20,650 --> 00:06:23,351
I don't know why,
but I am, you know?
169
00:06:24,854 --> 00:06:26,854
(sighing)
170
00:06:30,226 --> 00:06:31,326
(knocking on door)
171
00:06:32,662 --> 00:06:34,862
Hey, Coach, um...
can I come in?
172
00:06:34,948 --> 00:06:36,781
Sure.
173
00:06:38,668 --> 00:06:42,370
Uh, I'm sorry to bother
you at home, Coach,
174
00:06:42,455 --> 00:06:44,672
but you're the closest thing
I ever had to a dad
175
00:06:44,758 --> 00:06:48,126
and I just wanna,
you know, ask.
176
00:06:48,211 --> 00:06:50,044
Go ahead, son.
177
00:06:50,130 --> 00:06:51,796
But, like, what if someone
else is raping her, right,
178
00:06:51,881 --> 00:06:53,264
and I'm just, like,
filming it on my phone?
179
00:06:53,383 --> 00:06:55,633
No, no, it's still a no.
You're just as guilty...
180
00:06:55,719 --> 00:06:57,635
but you already
knew that, right?
181
00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,303
(laughing)
182
00:07:04,811 --> 00:07:06,561
(splashing)
183
00:07:08,331 --> 00:07:10,231
184
00:07:10,367 --> 00:07:13,534
(sports announcer) The Bronconeers
are taking a beating out there.
185
00:07:13,620 --> 00:07:17,321
Oh, we got a hard hit on
Cunningham and he is down.
186
00:07:17,407 --> 00:07:18,406
It's pretty severe.
187
00:07:18,491 --> 00:07:20,992
Just give it to me
straight, Doc.
188
00:07:21,077 --> 00:07:23,044
Will my boy ever rape again?
189
00:07:23,129 --> 00:07:25,096
Afraid not.
190
00:07:25,415 --> 00:07:26,581
(crying) It's okay.
It's okay.
191
00:07:29,052 --> 00:07:30,418
It's okay.
192
00:07:32,255 --> 00:07:35,506
(sports announcer) Bronconeers are
really feeling Cunningham's loss.
193
00:07:35,592 --> 00:07:38,593
They're down 15 points.
194
00:07:38,678 --> 00:07:39,761
(whistle blowing)
And that's halftime, folks.
195
00:07:39,846 --> 00:07:42,263
We should not
be losing this game.
196
00:07:42,348 --> 00:07:43,915
Dugan, what the hell were
you thinking out there
197
00:07:43,933 --> 00:07:44,866
on that last play, son?
198
00:07:44,901 --> 00:07:46,601
I was-- I was
thinking about raping.
199
00:07:46,736 --> 00:07:48,069
God damn it.
200
00:07:48,154 --> 00:07:51,572
(crashing, rattling)
201
00:07:51,658 --> 00:07:55,026
How do I get through to you boys
that football isn't about rape?
202
00:07:55,111 --> 00:07:58,696
It's about violently dominating
anyone that stands
203
00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:02,200
between you and what you want.
204
00:08:02,285 --> 00:08:04,836
Now, you gotta get yourself
into the mindset
205
00:08:04,954 --> 00:08:06,454
that you are gods...
206
00:08:06,539 --> 00:08:08,179
- Yeah.
- ...and you are entitled to this.
207
00:08:08,258 --> 00:08:09,290
(boy)
Yeah!
208
00:08:09,426 --> 00:08:11,509
That other team,
they ain't just gonna lay down
209
00:08:11,628 --> 00:08:13,261
- and give it to you.
- (boy) No!
210
00:08:13,346 --> 00:08:14,929
You gotta go out
there and take it.
211
00:08:15,014 --> 00:08:15,963
(all cheering)
212
00:08:16,049 --> 00:08:17,181
Now let's get out there.
213
00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:18,766
(boys)
Yeah.
214
00:08:18,852 --> 00:08:19,934
Clear eyes.
215
00:08:20,019 --> 00:08:21,853
Full hearts.
216
00:08:21,971 --> 00:08:23,271
(all)
Don't rape!
217
00:08:23,356 --> 00:08:24,772
(indistinct shouting)
218
00:08:24,858 --> 00:08:26,557
- Woo!
- Yeah.
219
00:08:28,778 --> 00:08:30,645
Ain't it good to be the coach?
220
00:08:32,115 --> 00:08:33,397
I love you, baby.
221
00:08:34,367 --> 00:08:37,652
(crowd cheering)
222
00:08:42,572 --> 00:08:44,956
There she goes
like a shooting star
223
00:08:45,042 --> 00:08:47,659
She got fireworks
in her heart
224
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,294
Lighting up this world...
225
00:08:49,379 --> 00:08:50,328
(women laughing)
226
00:08:50,414 --> 00:08:52,094
(woman) You guys.
You never slept with him.
227
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,715
You don't know
what you're missing.
228
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:54,666
(woman 2)
No way!
229
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:55,717
It's crazy.
230
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,336
Hi.
Are you lost?
231
00:08:58,422 --> 00:09:00,639
Um, I'm sorry.
232
00:09:00,724 --> 00:09:03,308
I just-- I love
all of you, I can't--
233
00:09:03,393 --> 00:09:04,976
(laughing) I can't
believe you're here.
234
00:09:05,062 --> 00:09:06,761
You're, like,
literally my heroes.
235
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,096
(Julia)
God, you look familiar.
236
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,732
Are you that girl
from the television
237
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,600
who talks about her
pussy all the time?
238
00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,486
Yes!
239
00:09:14,571 --> 00:09:16,571
That-- Yes, thank you.
240
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,440
- How fun. Well, come sit.
- Please.
241
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:19,741
- (laughing) Come on.
- Yeah.
242
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,326
Come talk about
your pussy over here.
243
00:09:21,411 --> 00:09:23,361
(Amy giggling)
244
00:09:23,447 --> 00:09:25,697
Is it-- Is it someone's
birthday or--
245
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:26,748
Oh.
246
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:27,949
Kind of the opposite.
247
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,875
We're celebrating Julia's
last (bleep)able day.
248
00:09:29,953 --> 00:09:31,336
(Julia)
Yes, salud.
249
00:09:31,421 --> 00:09:33,755
Woo!
Woohoo!
250
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,957
Um, I'm sorry, did you say
Julia's last (bleep)able day?
251
00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:37,375
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
252
00:09:37,461 --> 00:09:38,843
What is that?
253
00:09:38,929 --> 00:09:42,380
In every actress' life,
the media decides when you finally
254
00:09:42,466 --> 00:09:45,650
reach the point where you're not
believably (bleep)able anymore.
255
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,386
But-- I mean,
how do you know?
256
00:09:48,472 --> 00:09:49,387
Who tells you?
257
00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:52,057
Well, nobody--
Nobody really overtly tells you,
258
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,058
- Right.
- But there are signs.
259
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:56,144
You know how Sally Field
was Tom Hanks' love interest
260
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:58,229
in "Punchline" and then,
like, 20 minutes later,
261
00:09:58,315 --> 00:09:59,698
she was his mom
in "Forest Gump"?
262
00:09:59,783 --> 00:10:01,783
Or you might get
offered a romcom
263
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,401
with Jack Nicholson
where you're competing
264
00:10:03,487 --> 00:10:05,737
with another woman
to (bleep) him.
265
00:10:05,823 --> 00:10:07,454
I just had an audition for
Mrs. Claus.
266
00:10:07,479 --> 00:10:08,974
- You're kidding me.
- I read for that part.
267
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:10,266
I read for that, too.
268
00:10:10,291 --> 00:10:11,486
- (Julia) You did?
- Yes.
269
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,204
- Hey, who got that?
- J.Lo.
270
00:10:13,229 --> 00:10:15,104
(gasping)
Oh, she'll be good.
271
00:10:15,165 --> 00:10:16,581
- She's gonna be really good.
- (Julia) Really good.
272
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:17,916
Or you go to a movie set,
273
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,491
you go to wardrobe
and the only thing
274
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:21,169
they have for you to wear
are long sweaters,
275
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,338
like cover you up
head to toe kind of thing.
276
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:24,923
Right, or, like,
the poster for your movie
277
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,591
is just, like,
a picture of a kitchen.
278
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:27,623
Yeah.
279
00:10:27,648 --> 00:10:30,335
With these very uplifting
and yet vague titles, like,
280
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:33,565
"Whatever It Takes" or
"She Means Well."
281
00:10:33,589 --> 00:10:34,900
That kind of thing, right?
282
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,535
Another common sign is when they
ostart remaking your best movies
283
00:10:37,621 --> 00:10:39,404
with younger, more
(bleep)able actresses.
284
00:10:39,489 --> 00:10:42,741
I guess they're making "Boyhood"
with Selena Gomez in my part.
285
00:10:42,826 --> 00:10:44,042
That's gonna make
a lot of money.
286
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:46,444
I don't understand.
You're all so (bleep)able.
287
00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:49,114
Like, believe me, no one
was more surprised than me
288
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,332
that they let me stay
(bleep)able throughout my 40s
289
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,835
and the fact that it
continued into my 50s.
290
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,837
This was just like,
thanks, but...
291
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,255
I thought that US Weekly
had made some sort of
292
00:10:57,340 --> 00:10:59,207
a clerical error or something.
293
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,017
Tell me about it.
294
00:11:00,042 --> 00:11:02,343
If you shoot a sex scene
the night before your birthday,
295
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:04,879
everyone is like, hurry up, hurry up,
we gotta get it before midnight,
296
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,632
'cause they think your vagina
is gonna turn into a hermit crab.
297
00:11:07,717 --> 00:11:09,717
Well, is there anything
you can do to delay it?
298
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,187
Yeah, I mean, you can try,
but it only makes it worse,
299
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:13,471
like those Real Housewives.
300
00:11:13,557 --> 00:11:16,474
They try to look young, but then
they end up looking like a purse
301
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,643
- that melted in a car accident.
- Yeah.
302
00:11:18,728 --> 00:11:21,980
They look like when a kid
draws a face on its hand.
303
00:11:22,065 --> 00:11:24,065
But what about men?
Like, who tells men
304
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:25,733
when it's their
last (bleep)able day?
305
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:29,204
(all laughing)
306
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,823
- Honey, men don't have that day.
- Never.
307
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,124
Well, they're
(bleep)able forever.
308
00:11:33,210 --> 00:11:35,330
They could be 100 and, like,
nothing but white spiders
309
00:11:35,378 --> 00:11:37,078
coming out,
but they're (bleep)able.
310
00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:39,097
I didn't get this commercial
last week for AARP
311
00:11:39,182 --> 00:11:42,167
because the director said I was too
old to play Larry King's wife.
312
00:11:42,252 --> 00:11:44,169
I heard that Bruce Willis
313
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:47,388
just got engaged to a girl
who is 24 years younger than him
314
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:50,091
and I heard that
she's an actual baby lamb.
315
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,893
What?
Really?
316
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,328
Mm, Google it.
317
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,180
So, wait, are you guys,
like, bummed at all?
318
00:11:55,265 --> 00:11:56,648
(Julia) What?
No.
319
00:11:56,733 --> 00:11:58,850
Are you kidding me?
I'm thrilled.
320
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:00,151
Ecstatic.
321
00:12:00,237 --> 00:12:01,986
I mean, I don't have
to deal with this,
322
00:12:02,072 --> 00:12:03,154
maintaining this anymore.
323
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,406
I mean, it's just such--
It's a godsend.
324
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,158
I can grow my pubes out, it's--
325
00:12:07,244 --> 00:12:09,527
Look at this.
See this ice cream?
326
00:12:09,613 --> 00:12:11,212
It's been sitting
out here for an hour.
327
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,365
You wanna know why?
Watch this, baby.
328
00:12:15,252 --> 00:12:17,001
(all chanting)
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
329
00:12:17,087 --> 00:12:18,169
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
330
00:12:18,255 --> 00:12:20,538
- (Amy chuckling) Oh, my God!
- Woo!
331
00:12:20,674 --> 00:12:21,873
(belching)
332
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:24,342
Whoa! (laughing)
333
00:12:24,427 --> 00:12:25,210
(farting)
334
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,378
- Oh, whoa.
- (Tina) Hilo!
335
00:12:27,464 --> 00:12:28,213
(all laughing)
336
00:12:28,298 --> 00:12:29,180
(Julia)
All right.
337
00:12:29,266 --> 00:12:31,182
You know what's next.
Let's go do this thing.
338
00:12:31,268 --> 00:12:33,551
- Where are we going?
- To do the ritual.
339
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:38,439
And then we put her in the boat
and we push her out into the water
340
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:40,458
and we drink champagne
to salute how (bleep)able
341
00:12:40,543 --> 00:12:41,809
she was for so many years.
342
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:45,113
- It's nice.
- (Julia) Yeah, It's really nice.
343
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,898
(all shouting)
Cheers.
344
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,116
(laughing)
345
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,651
And where is she going?
346
00:12:50,787 --> 00:12:53,621
- Home.
- Wait, what?
347
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:54,572
Tina, no!
348
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:59,077
Seriously, relax.
She's just going to her house.
349
00:13:00,497 --> 00:13:03,248
I gotta get clothes that I've
got to get out of the dryer.
350
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:04,916
(exhaling)
Okay, I was right.
351
00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:06,668
She's an actual baby lamb.
352
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,753
- Oh.
- Oh.
353
00:13:08,838 --> 00:13:10,421
(Julia)
Can I see it?
354
00:13:10,507 --> 00:13:11,556
Oh.
355
00:13:11,641 --> 00:13:12,507
Good for them.
356
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,510
- I'm out.
- Okay, bye, I'll see you.
357
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:17,178
(kissing)
358
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:18,680
What are you doing?
359
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:21,266
I'm just gonna, um,
go home and wax my beard.
360
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:25,770
When does that start?
361
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:32,878
I'm fine with old, old guys
dating young, beautiful women.
362
00:13:32,996 --> 00:13:34,246
Like, I think that's very cool
363
00:13:34,331 --> 00:13:36,348
and they usually have
a really cool origin story.
364
00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:38,550
(audience laughing)
365
00:13:38,569 --> 00:13:41,720
Like, if the story is,
like, let me guess.
366
00:13:41,839 --> 00:13:44,673
You're really rich...
367
00:13:44,808 --> 00:13:47,843
and you didn't want to see people
at the Olive Garden anymore.
368
00:13:47,978 --> 00:13:50,178
Is that--
Did I get it?
369
00:13:50,314 --> 00:13:53,014
Like, it's never, like,
he's a struggling something.
370
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:54,516
No.
371
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,852
It's gross,
'cause I, like, try to--
372
00:13:56,987 --> 00:13:58,987
Now guys, like, think I can help
them, so they want to (bleep) me
373
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:01,573
'cause they think I'll, like,
do their podcast and, uh...
374
00:14:01,692 --> 00:14:03,525
(laughing)
375
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:04,526
...and I will.
376
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:07,028
And if anyone here--
I will do.
377
00:14:07,164 --> 00:14:09,498
Talk about and it's
a good time for women.
378
00:14:09,583 --> 00:14:13,285
I just think, like, for age,
like, just date someone who uses
379
00:14:13,370 --> 00:14:16,171
the same size font
on their cell phone as you.
380
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,206
That should be the rule.
381
00:14:18,342 --> 00:14:22,410
If you're, like, normal and he's,
like, the top of an eye chart,
382
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,096
like, go back on Tinder.
383
00:14:25,215 --> 00:14:26,247
Um...
384
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,239
(announcer)
You live a busy life.
385
00:14:34,325 --> 00:14:36,158
The last thing you want
to have to worry about
386
00:14:36,277 --> 00:14:37,409
is your birth control pill.
387
00:14:37,495 --> 00:14:41,113
That's why we're introducing
OrthoEsterin, a new low-dose
388
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:44,249
daily birth control pill
with little to no side effects.
389
00:14:44,335 --> 00:14:47,119
Ask your doctor if birth control
is right for you.
390
00:14:47,204 --> 00:14:50,923
Then ask your boss if birth
control is right for you.
391
00:14:51,008 --> 00:14:53,959
Ask your boss to ask his priest.
392
00:14:54,044 --> 00:14:57,296
Find a boy scout
and see what he thinks.
393
00:14:57,381 --> 00:14:58,630
Tap a mailman on the shoulder.
394
00:14:58,716 --> 00:15:00,116
Sorry, I didn't
mean to startle you.
395
00:15:00,134 --> 00:15:02,017
Tell him you didn't
mean to startle him.
396
00:15:02,136 --> 00:15:04,903
Then ask him if birth control
is right for you.
397
00:15:05,005 --> 00:15:08,107
Put it online and see
how many likes it gets.
398
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,642
Come on.
399
00:15:10,778 --> 00:15:13,312
(announcer) Ask an old black man
and an Asian boy
400
00:15:13,397 --> 00:15:14,563
playing chess in the park.
401
00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:15,731
Should I start
this new birth control?
402
00:15:15,816 --> 00:15:17,032
Then ask them how
they became friends,
403
00:15:17,151 --> 00:15:19,485
because there has just
got to be a story there.
404
00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:21,320
I'm trying to get
birth control.
405
00:15:21,405 --> 00:15:23,789
Ask someone who just got one
of those cochlear implants
406
00:15:23,874 --> 00:15:26,158
and is hearing
for the very first time.
407
00:15:28,078 --> 00:15:29,995
Yeah, but can
I get birth control?
408
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,413
Ask Jeeves.
409
00:15:31,499 --> 00:15:33,332
I'm supposed to ask you, too.
410
00:15:33,417 --> 00:15:35,551
Ask your mom's new boyfriend.
411
00:15:35,669 --> 00:15:38,587
Then ask the Supreme Court.
412
00:15:38,672 --> 00:15:43,342
Finally, ask yourself why you
insist on having sex for fun.
413
00:15:44,645 --> 00:15:46,311
No refills?
414
00:15:46,397 --> 00:15:48,046
I have to go through
all this again next month?
415
00:15:48,132 --> 00:15:49,681
Yep.
See you then.
416
00:15:53,154 --> 00:15:55,320
- Can I have a gun?
- Yep.
417
00:15:58,492 --> 00:16:00,225
Remember, that's your right.
418
00:16:04,081 --> 00:16:06,448
So Bailey Jay,
you are a transsexual.
419
00:16:06,534 --> 00:16:08,600
- I am.
- You have a (bleep).
420
00:16:08,686 --> 00:16:09,968
That is a fact.
421
00:16:10,004 --> 00:16:12,454
Just answer all the questions
that everyone always asks you
422
00:16:12,540 --> 00:16:13,740
that you're sick of answering.
423
00:16:13,841 --> 00:16:17,376
I pee sitting down.
I don't use the men's room.
424
00:16:17,511 --> 00:16:18,594
What about when
you were younger.
425
00:16:18,712 --> 00:16:21,096
What was--
What was up?
426
00:16:21,215 --> 00:16:22,598
It was, like, the world
thought I was a girl
427
00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:25,093
- before I was figuring it out.
- Oh, okay.
428
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:26,792
Substitute teachers
called me she, I hated it,
429
00:16:26,887 --> 00:16:28,087
it was, like, so embarrassing.
430
00:16:28,105 --> 00:16:30,889
- Yeah.
- And then I was really effeminate.
431
00:16:30,975 --> 00:16:32,815
I would have had to get
on testosterone therapy
432
00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,776
if I wanted to look
like a normal person.
433
00:16:34,895 --> 00:16:35,575
Right.
434
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,638
So I was like, let's try
estrogen and grow boobs
435
00:16:37,731 --> 00:16:39,565
and see how that
works out, and it did.
436
00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:41,733
- And look at you now.
- Look at me now, so.
437
00:16:41,869 --> 00:16:44,786
- You are very gorgeous.
- Thank you.
438
00:16:44,905 --> 00:16:46,405
Do you deal with a lot of--
439
00:16:46,490 --> 00:16:48,991
Like, more attention than you
want to deal with?
440
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,576
I live in the middle
of nowhere.
441
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:51,445
Right.
442
00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:53,820
So, like, if you don't
look like a pile of garbage,
443
00:16:53,914 --> 00:16:56,081
- you will get a lot of attention.
- Completely, I understand that.
444
00:16:56,217 --> 00:16:58,550
That's why I'm thinking of
moving to your town.
445
00:16:58,636 --> 00:17:00,419
- You should, 'cause it's awesome.
- Right?
446
00:17:00,554 --> 00:17:01,914
I'll just be the belle
of the ball.
447
00:17:01,972 --> 00:17:03,388
I moved to Brooklyn for a little
bit and I was like, all right,
448
00:17:03,474 --> 00:17:04,723
I'm a Brooklyn seven.
449
00:17:04,808 --> 00:17:06,558
- Right, let me go...
- Kind of a bummer.
450
00:17:06,644 --> 00:17:09,011
- Let me go to Poughkeepsie.
- Poughkeepsie, 25.
451
00:17:09,036 --> 00:17:09,919
Yeah.
452
00:17:09,980 --> 00:17:11,597
When I walk into the grocery
store, I'm like Beyonc?,
453
00:17:11,682 --> 00:17:13,015
like everyone's
just like, who's she?
454
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,082
What's up?
455
00:17:14,168 --> 00:17:15,334
Did you ever think about...
456
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:18,954
snipping off your...
penis?
457
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,455
- Um, not--
- I've never--
458
00:17:20,591 --> 00:17:22,424
Believe it or not, I've never
asked anyone that before.
459
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:24,042
- Wow.
- Yeah.
460
00:17:24,128 --> 00:17:25,960
There's times I want
to wear yoga pants.
461
00:17:25,996 --> 00:17:26,728
Right.
462
00:17:26,764 --> 00:17:29,181
And not look like I have a toddler
shoved down the front of my pants.
463
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:30,966
- Like...
- Mhm, you want a little camel.
464
00:17:31,101 --> 00:17:32,634
- Right.
- Maybe a little camel.
465
00:17:32,770 --> 00:17:34,686
It's cute, vaginas are cute,
in theory.
466
00:17:34,805 --> 00:17:38,807
My vagina looks like a sandwich
from Delfonte's, but that's--
467
00:17:38,893 --> 00:17:40,943
But this isn't about me.
This isn't about me.
468
00:17:41,028 --> 00:17:43,896
- You are married.
- I am married.
469
00:17:43,981 --> 00:17:46,148
So how did you meet
your husband and...
470
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,984
Um, he was a photographer.
471
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,786
He was like, hey, I want to
shoot pictures of you
472
00:17:50,871 --> 00:17:52,821
and I was like, hey,
I have a penis.
473
00:17:52,907 --> 00:17:54,873
And he was like,
that is interesting.
474
00:17:54,892 --> 00:17:57,492
What was it like to watch him
sort of enter this situation
475
00:17:57,628 --> 00:18:00,245
that-- I'm assuming he'd
just been straight before.
476
00:18:00,331 --> 00:18:03,248
Yeah, yeah, and he still
considers himself straight now,
477
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:04,333
but yeah, he--
478
00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:07,302
He was just kind of like, hey,
this person's very attractive,
479
00:18:07,388 --> 00:18:08,170
- Yeah.
- I really like them.
480
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,671
They happen to have a penis,
481
00:18:09,757 --> 00:18:10,973
so we already have
something in common.
482
00:18:11,058 --> 00:18:11,558
Right.
483
00:18:11,571 --> 00:18:13,032
And so that was a
good jumping off point.
484
00:18:13,143 --> 00:18:15,978
It turns out that guys
don't hate penises.
485
00:18:16,063 --> 00:18:17,346
They're obsessed
with their own.
486
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,147
They take pictures of it
all day long with their phone.
487
00:18:19,233 --> 00:18:20,148
Absolutely.
488
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:22,734
So then I have a penis
and I don't get a period
489
00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:24,353
and I like anal, so we just--
490
00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:25,854
- We made it work.
- You're the perfect woman.
491
00:18:25,940 --> 00:18:26,855
We made it work.
492
00:18:26,991 --> 00:18:28,690
You are absolutely
the perfect woman.
493
00:18:28,776 --> 00:18:30,492
What do you jerk
off to... lately?
494
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:31,577
I jerk off to everything.
495
00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:33,545
I jerk off to weird--
I jerk off to everything.
496
00:18:33,630 --> 00:18:34,663
Like what?
497
00:18:34,748 --> 00:18:36,198
- Is it porn...
- What?
498
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:38,033
- That you jerk off to?
- Yes, oh, yeah.
499
00:18:38,168 --> 00:18:39,584
I mean, I don't use my
imagination, I have testicles.
500
00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:41,169
Gotcha.
501
00:18:41,255 --> 00:18:42,537
I always watch "Laurel Canyon".
502
00:18:42,673 --> 00:18:44,956
- Wait, what is that?
- It's a movie with Christian Bale.
503
00:18:45,075 --> 00:18:47,509
Oh, my God.
Okay, took a second, okay.
504
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,628
What do you think the biggest
misconception is
505
00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:51,179
about someone who's trans?
506
00:18:51,265 --> 00:18:53,265
Oh, easily that transgender
women are--
507
00:18:53,384 --> 00:18:54,433
Try to trick men.
508
00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:56,852
Do you think "The Crying Game"
gave everybody, like,
509
00:18:56,937 --> 00:18:58,520
a tough break or--
510
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:01,390
Trans movies in general
are such a bummer.
511
00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:02,858
Like "Boys Don't Cry".
512
00:19:02,943 --> 00:19:04,943
I always try to specify that
at the end of the day,
513
00:19:05,029 --> 00:19:08,063
I'm not, like, taking off
a wig and sobbing, like.
514
00:19:08,198 --> 00:19:10,148
Just, like, unwrapping
all the tape,
515
00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:11,900
- keeping your dick down.
- Right, like, the real me.
516
00:19:12,036 --> 00:19:13,201
Like, that doesn't happen.
517
00:19:13,287 --> 00:19:15,537
Usually when I tell people,
they're cool,
518
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:16,488
- like...
- Yeah.
519
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:17,656
So mostly everybody.
520
00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:19,207
Yeah, like, I--
It sucks.
521
00:19:19,293 --> 00:19:20,375
I wish I had the story.
522
00:19:20,461 --> 00:19:21,743
No, I swear, I don't--
523
00:19:21,879 --> 00:19:23,078
I'm so happy.
(laughing)
524
00:19:23,213 --> 00:19:24,413
I am so happy to hear that.
525
00:19:24,548 --> 00:19:26,915
There's no part of me that's,
like, when were you, like,
526
00:19:27,051 --> 00:19:28,417
beaten and raped to death?
527
00:19:28,502 --> 00:19:30,168
I'm, like, very happy
to hear that.
528
00:19:30,254 --> 00:19:31,303
Yeah, people are pretty good
when you're--
529
00:19:31,422 --> 00:19:34,066
- You know what, though?
- What?
530
00:19:34,091 --> 00:19:35,865
If I didn't, maybe,
look the way I did,
531
00:19:35,926 --> 00:19:36,892
I don't think I'd be--
532
00:19:36,977 --> 00:19:38,297
I don't think
it's human niceness,
533
00:19:38,312 --> 00:19:39,761
I think it's people think
with their dick sometimes.
534
00:19:39,897 --> 00:19:41,263
Oh, you're right.
It's more a shallow thing.
535
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:43,265
- So it's still terrible.
- Yeah.
536
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,317
But it seems like that might
be changing a little bit.
537
00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:47,185
- Things are changing so much.
- Right.
538
00:19:47,271 --> 00:19:48,854
Like, Joe Biden mentioned us.
539
00:19:48,939 --> 00:19:50,188
- Yeah.
- It's like, yeah!
540
00:19:50,274 --> 00:19:51,740
- I bet he did.
- So that's good.
541
00:19:51,825 --> 00:19:53,241
Yeah. (laughing)
542
00:19:53,327 --> 00:19:55,243
That does not surprise me.
543
00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:59,663
544
00:19:59,749 --> 00:20:01,882
I think that sex
is explained incorrectly,
545
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,050
as far as genders go.
546
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:07,171
It's like, men love sex
and women just deal with it.
547
00:20:07,256 --> 00:20:09,757
Right?
Every movie, every TV show,
548
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:12,059
the guy gets home from work
and he's like, honey?
549
00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:13,861
How about tonight?
550
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,381
And she's always like, bleh!
551
00:20:17,167 --> 00:20:19,600
You know I hate your dick,
laundry, laundry.
552
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:22,403
(laughter and applause)
553
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,188
I don't know any girls
like that, right?
554
00:20:24,273 --> 00:20:27,191
Also, it's always such
a tiny, little pile of laundry.
555
00:20:27,276 --> 00:20:29,059
It's like,
not enough for a load.
556
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,197
Which I think should be
the title of my next special.
557
00:20:33,332 --> 00:20:34,865
Um...
558
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:41,872
I don't know what's
making me so tired, but I am.
559
00:20:42,258 --> 00:20:45,926
(laughing)
560
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:48,045
You know what, guys?
It's time.
561
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,013
(sniffing)
562
00:20:49,098 --> 00:20:50,464
Where are we going?
You wanna come?
563
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:51,765
- To do the ritual.
- (woman) Julia, just give me
564
00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:53,217
"All right, I'm ready."
(laughter)
565
00:20:53,302 --> 00:20:54,602
(woman)
So easy.
566
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:55,819
(man)
Mmm, magic.
567
00:20:55,843 --> 00:20:57,743
Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
568
00:20:57,793 --> 00:21:02,343
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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