All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s02e07 v Slow Your Roll.eng

Anything you could do in
here would be awesome.

I can't believe I can
afford an interior designer.

This is all very new for me.

Well, the space is fabulous.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

In here, I'm thinking we do a
classic hand-woven Belgian rug

and then rich fabrics,
sconces, tote linens.

Sconces-- Oh, my God.

Yeah, we could even do a brushed
cotton twill window treatment.

Very elegant.

This place needs to feel
like your sanctuary.

Totally.

This all sounds great.

Okay-- So we've got the entry,

the living room
and the bedroom

and what are we thinking
for the (bleep)?

- Excuse me?
- Because for the (bleep),

we could continue the sort
of timeless ambience

of the living room
or try something new.

Maybe go for a more regal
feel in the (bleep).

The bathroom is fine as is.

The (bleep) is fine?

That room's all set.

I'm sorry,
I missed that-- That room?

Are we talking living room,
bedroom or (bleep)?

The last one-- Let's move on.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We can get back to it.
- Okay, thanks.

Can I ask you something crazy?

Mm-hmm.

Would you ever do a
suede chaise lounge?

Oh, that
sounds really expensive.

I've got news for you--
It's not...

and you can dump the savings

straight into your new
fudge ****.

You know, your turdbank.

I'd rather not.

Look, a beautiful corn silo is
gonna be a great investment.

Remember, this is the room where
you spend 80% of your day.

- That doesn't seem accurate.
- Close your eyes.

Hey-- Close them.

Imagine coming home.

You plop down on your gorgeous
porcelain dook throne,

drop a ton of heat,
and then slip into the tub

to clean your
filthy balloon knot.

That actually does sound
kind of perfect.

Right?

You know what--
Let's do it.

Yeah, I'm completely on board.

Will you just excuse me
one minute?

I just have to pee real fast.

Pee?
(gagging)

I'll still take it.

Okay.

Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

People ask me about my weight.

They're like, "Amy, how do you
keep it right at disappointing?"

And I say...

"Well, Mom, that's a fair...

That's a fair question."

Now, what I really do,
I've done this for a while now,

is I tell people I'm
doing low-carb

and then I don't do that.

And still feel entitled
to results.

Is anyone else on my plan?

(cheering and applauding)

Amy?

Hi, I'm Cheryl Oberwood,
nutritionist to the stars.

Thank you so much for
meeting with me!

Phylicia Rashad has said
the nicest stuff about you.

She looks incredible, right?

She's 90.

Wow!

Okay, I'm just
gonna dive right in.

I can tell by looking you're
not the least you can be.

Yeah, no, I'm not.

Well, we're gonna change that.

So what are your
fitness goals?

- Well, my goal weight--
- I don't work in weight.

I work in celebrities.

Which celebrity would you
like to be the same as?

I would say Christian Bale.

"Machinist", "Metroland"?

- "Newsies"?
- I think "The Fighter".

Okay, now, walk me
through what you eat

- in a typical day.
- All right.

In the morning, usually
I'll have, like,

some yogurt with some granola
and then at lunch, some salad.

Okay-- Let me
ask you a question.

Yeah.

Have you always been a
(bleep) trash heap?

- Excuse me?
- I'm gonna find you the perfect diet.

You're gonna
stick to that diet

and you're gonna become
the perfect woman.

Okay, option one:
The Instagram Diet.

That's where you order
whatever you want,

take a picture of it, post it,

throw it in the garbage.

Tweet it, don't eat it.

I don't want to do that one.

Option two, the Beyonc? Diet.

You find out what Beyonc? eats
and you tell me all about it.

I don't know her.

Option three:
The Chilean Miners Diet.

Wow-- they're so svelte.

Have you thought
about doing a cleanse?

What kind?

The kind where you
eat anything and everything

as long as you don't swallow?

That's just anorexia.

Do you want a third season
of your show?

- I do.
- Okay.

The Tape Warm Experience.

- Colonic Blastoff.
- Um...

Cambodian Holiday.

- Get Motivated.
- Oh, what. What's that one?

That's where you are arrested
without due process.

I don't think so.

Everest Drop,
The Great Depression.

Kentucky Meth Cycle.

Harriet Tubman
and the Underground Railroad.

No?

Tammy from "The Real World",
Season Two, Wired Jaw.

Who are your clients again?

Well, have you ever seen
the movie, um,

every (bleep) movie?

I work with everyone.
(knocking)

Come in.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Angel face!

Amy, this is McClarty--
She's the new Bond girl.

Wow-- What diet did she do?

I just smoke.

Tight-- I'll do that.

- What do you look like naked?
- Awesome.

- I work out, you know?
- You're ready.

My ass is.
How old are you?

23.

Can I just please be real
with you and tell you that--

- Yeah.
- It only gets worse.

Enjoy your ass immediately.

My ass, at this point.

Have you ever had
a burger from McDonalds?

No, I'm a vegetarian,
but I've seen one.

Oh, okay-- Well, that.

(laughing)

Look at this crew.

Raise your hand if you think
that she's (bleep) so hot

and you'd love to bang her.

Raise your-- Raise your hand.

Okay?

Just so you know.

Okay, now.
Now raise your hand.

Raise your hand
if you want this.

See that: nobody.

(inaudible) But Matt, you
would (bleep) anybody.

That doesn't count.

There was
a "Real World: Boston".

But they should just do a
"Real World: Massachusetts".

Sure.

(groaning)

I'm gonna head to class.

Oh...

I can't believe
you're still in school.

It makes me feel like
such a cougar.

I'm not still in school.

I'm studying for my PhD.

I'm, uh-- I'm
actually older than you.

For now.

Okay.

Um...

Can you grab
my psych textbook?

It's right there on the table.

Oh, yeah, sure-- this one?

Oh.

- Okay.
- Sorry.

Excuse me?

What's wrong?

Um, why do you have all these
pictures of my mother's vagina?

The ink blots?

The ink pictures
of my mother's vagina.

Um, yeah, I don't
think those are--

Here's my mom's vagina before
she was pregnant with me.

This is my mom's vagina

when she didn't want to
teach me how to ride a bike.

Jesus, the detail.

Where do you see
a bike in that?

I mean, these are...
These are for my class.

Yeah, your class-- Well, what
class is that, Drew?

The Draw Pictures Of Your
Girlfriend's Mother's Vagina class?

Seems like you're acing it!

Um, first of all,
I think "girlfriend"

is a strong term for
us at this point.

Here's my mother's vagina
when she was my age.

Here's my mom's vagina when I
came home drunk from college

I got in a fight with her

and I accused her
of stealing my style,

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- I feel so guilty about that.

Sit down, sit down.

Why did I do that?

Amy, did you actually see your
mother's vagina in these scenarios?

You're not a doctor yet, okay?

Slow your roll, ass (bleep).

- Okay.
- God, you're so sick.

I've only known you
for three weeks.

Well, that's what I was saying
about the "girlfriend" thing.

And how can possibly
identify your mother's vagina?

You mean how did I identify

the origin of my whole
(bleep) life?

You're a freak, Drew--
You're a sick freak!

I didn't draw those.

Well, then who did, my mom?

Did she keep a vagina diary
with a fountain pen?

Uh, maybe, did she?

- Did you?
- No!

It doesn't make any sense!

These are ink blots!

That you see whatever you
want in them!

Well, then what do you see?

So, that's like, a cloud.

And what about this one?

- That's like a bear.
- Yeah.

And this one?

Well, that one does
look like a vagina.

Oh, yeah, I drew this earlier.

Jesus, Amy, every day
with you.

You didn't say not to
draw on your stuff.

What do you see?

Um, that's a guy coming
after me.

Oh, man!

- That got dark real fast.
- He has two knives.

- What's this?
- Frog. Definitely frog.

Yeah, that does look like--

That's almost
just a picture of a frog.

Yes.

These ink
blots are bull (bleep).

Let's see...
This one is hard.

This one is easy.

Oh, that's actually a picture
of me naked.

(laughing) What do you see here?

A spider.

What do you see here?

A spider.

(laughing) What's up
with you and spiders?

What is this?

Uh, a butterfly?

Or no, a spaceship. Like an
asteroid-- asteroids.

I think it's the first thing you said,
but I also have no idea,

because I only
have a degree in theater.

Last one.

What do you see?

A vagina, maybe.

Come here, come here.

- That was right.
- That was right?

- That was right.
- Okay, good.

(laughing)

Hi there, what can I help
you with today?

Well, the other
day I was having trouble

making out this license
plate number

of a particular school bus,

even though I was driving
very closely behind it

for a long period of time.

In any case, what should I do?

I think you might like these.

These are our Church Basement
Computer Teacher Model.

- Ah...
- But actually, you know what?

These are from
our Uncle Backrub line.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.

What a-- Now, do these make me
look like a serial killer?

- Yes.
- I'll take 'em.

Great.
(chuckling)

How can I help you?

Uh, I have a special
occasion coming up.

Oh, let me guess.

You and 120 of your
closest followers

are planing on drinking
poison from R.C. Cola cans?

It's not poison,
it's time juice.

Okay-- You know, why don't
you try these?

These might be perfect.

These are from our vintage
Koresh line.

They're perfect for going
straight from your compound

to burrito-ING yourself in a
wool blanket in the desert.

Sandy, would you like
to stroke my (bleep)?

Yeah, these are gonna
work great.

- I like these a lot.
- Oh, perfect, perfect.

I'm gonna check
out some other styles.

- Let me--. Just give a minute?
- Please do.

Hi there.

Can I see how
you look in these?

Oh, no,
we have a strict policy

against trying on frames at
a customer's request.

Why?

Because you know why.

- All right, I'm gonna take these.
- Oh, great, great.

But before I pay for them,
I just wanted to say

that I feel very
connected to you

and I sense that your heart
has many questions for me.

Uh, I've got no questions,

but we appreciate your
business.

All right.

I take it I can pay for these
with jelly beans?

- Of course.
- Okay.

There you are.

And you're sure
there's no questions?

I'm actually
gonna close up early.

I'm driving to my boyfriend's
house tonight.

Boyfriend--
All right, got it.

We'll just. You know, say
that first next time.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Save us both a lot of time.

Gonna learn from my
mistakes-- Thank you so much.

Great-- Yeah, that'd
be great if you did that.

And don't put out
such a vibe next time.

Okay.

(motor starting)

Brendan Fraser's house.

Lock and load.

I honestly don't
think I can do this.

It's too hard.

In order for you to
move forward with your life,

you need to confront
this issue.

Okay.

(breathes out)

(sighs)

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, darling.

- Hi, welcome.
- Hi, how do you do?

Please sit down.

It'll be very important that
you're here for Amy's progress.

Amy?

Mom...

What's the issue you've been
having with your computer?

Oh, I just wanted to e-mail
that cute picture

of you and your
sister to your uncle...

- It's this way.
- ...Pat,

but the photos just
disappeared.

I just think that
machines don't work around me.

They don't.

Okay, well, let's just turn
on your computer.

Isn't it on already?

No, wait, no-- I pushed the
little button thingy.

Mom, you know how to turn
on your computer.

Don't talk to
me in that tone, honey.

I didn't grow up with
these things.

Amy, what are you hearing your
mother say to you?

I hear her saying
that she doesn't know

how to turn on her computer when
I know for a fact...

- Yeah, easy.
- ...that she does know how to turn.

Easy, easy--
Let's just take easy.

I knew yesterday,
but I don't know today.

Can you see how that
doesn't make sense?

You forget.

All right...

How can you accept her request

in a spirit of generosity
and maturity?

Okay.

Mom?

You press the "on" button.

(startup sound)

There you go, it's on.

All right, now where's
your photo folder?

If I knew that, I wouldn't
be asking for help.

I don't have all day to
stare computer screens.

I think I'm done.

I don't think I can do
this, actually.

Obviously, that triggered you,
but it's because you allowed it.

And you will not allow it.

Well, here.

Here it is.

Why do you have all these
photos of the TV?

Oh-- I wanted to
show you the hangers

that I just ordered from HSN.

These are cedar
and they smell like wood.

Just. Let's take
a look at 'em.

No, no, no,
I'm good, I'm good.

You said you needed hangers.

I said that five years ago

and you've bought me several
sets of them.

Now here's the picture
of me and Kim you wanted.

Will you
just drag it to your desktop?

It's like a shadow of...
It's okay?

Yeah, just--
(alert tone)

Just hold it down and drag it.

Hold the left down?

Yeah, and then just.

Just anywhere in the desktop.
(alert tone)

Desktop meaning
the whole screen?

Anywhere on the screen.

(alert tone) Hold the
left, roll the right.

(alert tone) It's holding,
it's holding.

(alert tone)

Desktop.

There you go--
Okay, now open your browser.

You mean my AOL?

Let's just attach the photo.

To the computer.

No, to the e-mail.

Well, I didn't bring a cord.

Mom, there's no
possible logical reason

that you would
need a cord for this.

Just let me do it, all right?

(sighing) Okay, here.

I did it, it's done,
you can send it now.

I click "send"?

Yes.

(mouthing words)

(whoosh) Wow, okay,
I figured it out.

Huh!

Mrs. Schumer, thank
you so much for coming in.

Thank you.

I believe you both had a
breakthrough today.

- Breakthrough.
- Be very proud of yourself.

These are cute.

They go like that, right?

No, they go how they a--
They are ready.

Swashbuckling.
(buzzer)

Sorry.

My next patient's buzzing in.

It's the new system we have.

(buzzing)
Gosh darn this thing,

I just don't know
how this works.

I just press this
and what's happening?

Wait, what--

And I press where it says
press, P-R-E-S-S,

- nothing's happening.
- Yeah, well, what's that thing?

Try that one.
(buzzing)

- See that. See what I mean?
- No.

Did you just see it go
on and off?

- I know!
- And no one's beeping at.

- See, this is supposed to say "Enter".
- I know.

- What have we done to deserve this?
- I don't care.

I don't understand.
(laughing)

Amy, could you please come
help, uh, with this?

What about your mom-- Is she
savvy with the computer?

No.

My mother is the last
woman in the world

to have
an e-mail address.

- Not doing it.
- No.

- Typewriter.
- No.

- She uses a quill.
- Yeah.

Is your mom savvy with
stuff like you or no?

She can send texts,

but she don't know
the difference

between a regular
text and a group text.

I like that when we talk about
our moms and technology,

like, we talk about them like
Robert DeNiro in "Awakenings",

like they are just
slowly coming out of having,

- like, a stroke.
- Yeah.

Now she can blink (laughing)

and she can drool on herself,

but she cannot
restart her Mac.

Do you think that you
could teach my mom

how to send a text message?

I can't even teach my dad
how to use e-mail.

Okay, then how
are you an IT guy?

I'm good with younger folks.

I bet you are.

It's just easier to
teach kids stuff, why?

Because adults get, like,
crazy egos

and, like, just old
and, like, (bleep) mean

and racist or what?
(laughing)

Am I projecting?

Jimmy, you are a comedian,
and my good friend,

and a real life pervert.

Yeah.

What's the dirtiest thing
a girl's ever said to you?

I've gotten golden showers

and had girls
call me a toilet.

- That's pretty dirty.
- Okay.

When a girl
calls you a toilet.

- Yes, that is.
- And you...

you swallow and agree
wholeheartedly.

I feel like I should've
prepared myself more.

- Yeah.
- 'Cause I just thought you were gonna

say something
dirty she said and now...

Why golden showers?

Yeah, I don't know why--
It's nice and warm and uh...

- You can also just take a bath.
- Listen...

They have heated blankets nowadays.
They're so sweet.

You know, sometimes when
someone says,

"Why do you
like golden showers?"

You realize it's very
difficult to come up

with a satisfactory answer.

That's a really
tough question.

I probably should have an answer
ready for that, but I don't.

I noticed the other day

when you were looking for
a picture to show me,

when you were going through
your cell phone pictures,

you had it covered, like,

as though you had
the codes to, like,

disarm nuclear
weapons in there.

I have to look
through my phone

the way the referees do
when they're doing a replay

in the NFL with
the thing over,

'cause it's just so--

There's so many things that
could embarrass me.

What's, um,
the most (bleep)-up, uh,

girl you've ever had
sex with or guy?

Um, I don't
have sex with guys.

Transsexuals are ladies.

- Sorry, ladies.
- Absolutely, ladies.

- Ma'am, sorry.
- Yes, there's this whole--

Oh, they have. You know,
they have a (bleep).

I'm like, what are you,
judgmental?

Right, what is this?

What century is this that a
(bleep) makes someone a dude?

- That's exactly what I'm saying.
- Please.

It's like, if she's got a wig
on and bright smile,

look at this lovely gal.

- Is that eyeshadow and testicles?
- Absolutely.

- You're a girl.
- Absolutely.

I'm an American and if I go
to Europe and come back,

it doesn't make me a European.

- No.
- I'm still an American.

Yes, you are.
You're the best American.

Just enjoy Europe.

How many women do you think
you've paid for sex?

- Take all the women I've had sex with...
- Okay.

...subtract four.
(laughing)

And the remaining number
is how many I paid.

- A lot.
- Yes.

Yeah-- A lot, a lot
of women.

- What's the most you've ever paid?
- $1,000.

- What's the least?
- $7 and two cigarettes.

What age where
you when you realized

you liked, uh, different
sexual things

than maybe the average bear?

(laughing)

- That's where you live.
- Yeah, right.

My one friend who used to make
me have oral sex with him,

I say make me, 'cause
it sounds better on camera,

- Sure, yeah.
- but the's no victims, only volunteers.

I showed up for it.

There's no pain in your eyes.

We were in the public pool.

He was having me give
him oral sex

- and he whizzed in my mouth...
- Uh-huh.

And I was, like,
really mad at that

and I came up and I went
"Don't do that again."

He went, "All right."

So I went right back down
and he did it again.

He did it again, you were like,
wait a minute.

- Maybe always do this.
- What's the old expression?

Uh, uh.

- "Fool me once."
- "Shame on you, and then you know,

- "fool me twice...
- "Fool me twice..."

- shame on me."
- ...you're whizzing in my face.

As a child.

Yeah, I didn't quite have
those words at that age.

Yeah, it really is, like
the same story of

"Searching for Bobby Fischer,"

just, like, early on you
realized what you were good at.

Exactly, you know, but instead
of playing with a rook,

- I swallowed one.
- Oh, God.

"What is your favorite
sexual position?"

(hooting and clapping)

Okay, actually like eight
people wrote the same one.

But before she lets me answer,
she wants me to know,

"Mine is doggy style,
hits the G spot."

I know!

This is what happens
when you're a pretty girl.

Everyone, like, tells you what
you say is interesting

and important
and you get really confused.

No one ever did that to me.

Oh, my favorite sexual position.

Well, I'm lazy, so it's usually
I'm laying there like...

like an actual slug.

What's your favorite position?

Cowgirl, which way?

Wow, grow up, girl.

Is this your first rodeo?

(cheering and applauding)

Oh, sir, did you want
to pay for those?

Oh, yes.

Can I pay in mind dollars?

No, we don't accept
mind dollars.

(beep) Sir?

- Yes?
- Sir?

Yes, ma'am?

(giggling) Sir?

Thank you very much.

(beep) Which way is the F?

(laughing)

(woman) So easy.

(man) Mmm... Magic.

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