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1
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,632
Ange?
No, he has no clue.
2
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:07,036
I can't wait to see his face.
3
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:08,539
WOMAN: I know.
Okay, we're in the other room.
4
00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:10,074
I'm gonna bring everybody in
in just a minute.
5
00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:12,235
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, I have to go. Thank you.
6
00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:13,471
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.
7
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:14,569
[Footsteps]
8
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,649
MAN:
Happy birthday, bro.
9
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:17,842
Huh? Check it out.
10
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,680
MAN #2: Yeah, wow.
Thanks, man.
11
00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:22,118
MAN #1: Hey, it's too bad
Amy couldn't be here, right?
12
00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:23,849
Hey, are you gonna make it
official with her soon?
13
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,424
MAN #2: What?
14
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:28,153
MAN #1: Come on, old man.
Seven years is a long time.
15
00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:29,455
MAN #2: No.
[Chuckles]
16
00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:30,460
I mean, at this point,
17
00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:32,463
I feel like Amy's more
just like a friend.
18
00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:34,726
- You know, like a bro.
- Yeah.
19
00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:37,234
MAN #2: I don't know.
Something just changed.
20
00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:39,828
Like, I'm just done. You ever
feel like you're just done?
21
00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:41,531
MAN #1: Yeah, is it because
of all the weight she gained?
22
00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:42,608
MAN #2: No.
23
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,143
I mean, she's definitely
put on some pounds,
24
00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:46,212
but that's not even it.
25
00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:48,280
MAN #1: Yeah.
Is it the long distance?
26
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:49,439
MAN #2:
[Exhales sharply] No.
27
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:50,709
Long distance
is the only reason
28
00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:51,749
we're still together now.
29
00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:52,749
MAN #1: [Laughing] Yeah.
30
00:00:52,852 --> 00:00:55,480
MAN #2: Oh, man. It just...
Something turned, you know?
31
00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:57,283
It's just everything about her
makes me sick.
32
00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:59,915
Just like, "Shut up."
I can't take it.
33
00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:01,550
- ANGIE: Come in, everybody.
- MAN #2: Hey, Angie.
34
00:01:01,661 --> 00:01:03,492
- MAN #3: What's this?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
35
00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:05,393
- ANGIE: Get ready, okay? Ready?
- MAN #2: What is it?
36
00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:08,490
ANGIE:
One, two, three!
37
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:10,330
ALL:
Happy Birth...
38
00:01:10,437 --> 00:01:11,335
Amy?
39
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:14,134
What are you doing here?
When did you get back from Iraq?
40
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,868
This isn't working for me.
41
00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:20,104
I-I think we should
see other people.
42
00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:22,181
I met somebody else.
43
00:01:22,282 --> 00:01:24,341
And so I made the decision,
44
00:01:24,451 --> 00:01:26,180
I don't want to
see you anymore.
45
00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:28,846
And this was over.
46
00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:30,513
I paid for this.
I'm bringing it.
47
00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:31,555
WOMAN: No.
48
00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:34,525
Step away from it!
49
00:01:34,627 --> 00:01:37,391
I'm having somebody
come back and get this.
50
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:42,157
Thank you for your service.
51
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:51,400
Ripped By mstoll
52
00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:54,436
Nothing has changed.
I still dress like shit.
53
00:01:54,547 --> 00:01:56,913
They just, like, squeezed me
in this right before I came on.
54
00:01:57,016 --> 00:01:58,916
I usually wear American Apparel.
55
00:01:59,018 --> 00:02:00,713
I like to be draped
in sweatpants.
56
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:02,378
Don't you guys feel that way?
57
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:04,855
I love American Apparel.
I really do.
58
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,051
I like the models
and the marketing.
59
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,152
I like that every shot of them,
it looks like a shot
60
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,754
of the last time
they were ever seen, just...
61
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,197
[Laughter]
62
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,165
"Help."
63
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:17,827
It looks like they're waiting
for Liam Neeson
64
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,371
in the bottom of a closet,
like...
65
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:24,933
It's like hostage lighting.
What is the idea?
66
00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:26,534
Like, "Oh, if I buy
these leggings,
67
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,705
will they also
find my body in a swamp?"
68
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,305
Like, why?
69
00:02:33,219 --> 00:02:34,151
So let me get this straight.
70
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:37,052
It's a road made of ice,
and they truck on it.
71
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,421
Bull's-eye. That's the show,
plain and simple.
72
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,926
You twinks ready to do
some shots, pussies?
73
00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:45,361
[Chuckles] That's so hot.
I love girls like that.
74
00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:47,865
Tequila,
no training wheels.
75
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:50,561
Burger, rare as fuck.
76
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:53,935
Oh, yeah, a chick who can
really hang with the guys.
77
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,531
Yeah, man.
That is the best.
78
00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:57,837
A chick who's like super hot,
79
00:02:57,944 --> 00:03:00,412
but then, like, loves Xbox,
down for pizza.
80
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:01,741
That tomboy thing, you know?
81
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,440
Like, man,
I knew this girl, Joey.
82
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:04,983
That's a hot name
right there.
83
00:03:05,084 --> 00:03:05,982
That is a hot name.
84
00:03:06,085 --> 00:03:07,382
Yeah, yeah, she was
off-the-charts hot.
85
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,887
She could, like, beat me
in arm wrestling, you know?
86
00:03:09,989 --> 00:03:10,921
That's like
my college girlfriend.
87
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,048
She was crazy hot.
88
00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:14,786
She could recite all of
"Boondock Saints" verbatim
89
00:03:14,894 --> 00:03:16,225
while building a deck.
90
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:17,455
She was ripped.
91
00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:20,226
Murder him! God!
92
00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:22,267
You know, I dated
a chick like that.
93
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:23,630
She was like model hot,
94
00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:25,829
plus she knew everything
about World War II,
95
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,566
and she had
a super strong jaw.
96
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,733
- Just, like, a lantern jaw.
- Mmm.
97
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:31,366
Love that tomboy thing.
98
00:03:31,477 --> 00:03:33,468
Yeah, you know what?
She reminds me of my ex.
99
00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:36,310
You know, real solid.
I could climb her like a tree.
100
00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:38,316
She made me feel so safe.
101
00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:39,646
I miss her.
102
00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:41,982
Oh, man, there's this chick
at my office right now.
103
00:03:42,088 --> 00:03:43,612
I can talk to her
about Muay Thai.
104
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,988
Plus, she's got just like
a little bit of stubble.
105
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:50,119
- Ahh!
- I need to hit that, man.
106
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,128
Yeah, you do.
107
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,630
That's the dream, right?
That's the fantasy.
108
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:53,824
Like in "Rambo."
109
00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:55,628
The main chick in that,
with the headband.
110
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:56,633
Hot, right?
111
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,761
Yeah, no, man, but there are
real chicks like that.
112
00:03:58,871 --> 00:04:01,135
Like, I knew this girl Sam
when I lived in Tampa.
113
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,642
She was just naturally hot.
Like, rough hands, thick neck.
114
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,144
Forehead like
a granite counter.
115
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,545
She worked hanging drywall
for her dad's company,
116
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:10,775
Murphy and Son.
117
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:11,781
- Yeah, she did.
- Wow.
118
00:04:11,884 --> 00:04:13,181
Ooh, check it out.
119
00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:16,580
- Ohh...
- [Whimpering]
120
00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:18,054
Dude, she...
121
00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:20,022
My boner just got a boner.
122
00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:22,754
My buddy at Goldman
has this girlfriend, Glen.
123
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,887
She's like
cover-of-"Maxim" hot.
124
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:26,659
She does all of his
fantasy football picks.
125
00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:29,326
And she has, like,
this prominent dick.
126
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:30,732
I'm like, "I want!"
127
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:32,737
- That's so fucking hot.
- That is so fucking hot.
128
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:34,204
To chicks who can hang.
129
00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:35,706
- Chicks who can hang.
- Oh, yeah. Yes.
130
00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:39,073
Heading to the can.
Got to make some room.
131
00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:41,806
- Ohh...
- Ahh...
132
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:44,678
Wait, should we just
fuck each other?
133
00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:48,586
What is your type?
134
00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:50,485
I like, um,
a great sense of humor
135
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:53,354
and, like, some wit
and some intelligence.
136
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,893
I don't know.
I like girls who read books.
137
00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:56,723
I'm out.
138
00:04:56,829 --> 00:04:57,921
Some intelligence
and things like that.
139
00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:00,124
- Would you have sex with me?
- Um...
140
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,099
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
141
00:05:04,203 --> 00:05:05,568
What is your type?
142
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:08,004
I don't have a type, but I tend
to end up with blondes.
143
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:09,096
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
144
00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:10,140
Oh, my God,
that's so weird.
145
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,210
I know, it is weird,
isn't it?
146
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,437
What's your type?
147
00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:15,912
Tall, skater, douche bag.
148
00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:18,381
Hey, do you have
a skateboard?
149
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,213
- MAN: No.
- [Laughing]
150
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,378
Keep it moving, pal.
151
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:23,011
What kind of guy do you like?
152
00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:24,089
Gay.
153
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,487
[Laughs]
154
00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:27,218
They all turn out to be gay.
155
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:37,931
What cheer, m'ladies.
156
00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:40,733
I return with libations
as promised.
157
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,137
- Thanks, Liam.
- Hey, text me later.
158
00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:43,435
I've been saving up some things
159
00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:45,602
I've been meaning
to tell you all day.
160
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:49,205
- Is that your boyfriend?
- Fuck you. No.
161
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,112
Liam's from Hello M'lady. Com.
162
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:52,241
Is that a dating site?
163
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,842
No, it's an app
for your smartphone
164
00:05:53,953 --> 00:05:54,977
that helps you manage
165
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,249
those clingy, fragile guys
who think they're dating you.
166
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,881
Wait, are they stalkers?
167
00:05:58,991 --> 00:06:00,618
God, no.
Stalkers have balls.
168
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,888
Hello M'ladys just
make you feel guilty.
169
00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:05,020
They do that thing where
they put you on a pedestal
170
00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:06,189
and they dote on you,
171
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,324
even though you've never
expressed any interest.
172
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,696
But why would I want to
sign up for that?
173
00:06:09,802 --> 00:06:11,292
Just think of it
like Turbo Tax.
174
00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:13,031
No one wants to do taxes,
175
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,801
but it is nice to have help
with that inevitable chore.
176
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:16,840
Hmm.
177
00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:18,638
Hello M'lady notifies you
of the whereabouts
178
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,610
of m'ladys in your area.
179
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,010
The app alerts you
when you've been selected
180
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,514
by one of these human hobbits.
181
00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:25,550
You'll receive
Cliffs Notes versions
182
00:06:25,651 --> 00:06:26,811
of his thesis-length e-mails
183
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:30,150
listing the things he sees
in you that no one else sees.
184
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:33,521
This sad-eyed weasel helped
my boyfriend move into my place.
185
00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:36,652
This doughy munchkin
flat out gave me an iPhone.
186
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:38,060
He said he had a hook-up,
187
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:40,189
but I'm pretty sure
he just paid for it.
188
00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:42,164
- [Cellphone chimes]
- It's a text from Liam.
189
00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:44,566
"I wish I kissed you
just now."
190
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:47,734
[Cellphone chimes]
191
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,035
Oh, gross!
I was just chosen.
192
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,303
I don't want to
lead this guy on,
193
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,003
but I don't want to
hurt his feelings either.
194
00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:54,477
Oh, you can't win.
195
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:56,241
But the app does send you
a warning text
196
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:57,907
when he's about to
angrily turn on you.
197
00:06:58,017 --> 00:07:00,110
- [Cellphone chimes]
- Warning, m'lady!
198
00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:01,777
Can we talk outside, please?
199
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:03,150
I think you owe me that much.
200
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:04,888
It's fine.
201
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:06,515
He's just
gonna call me ungrateful
202
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:07,854
and then ask
if he can hold my hand.
203
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,086
Ugh.
204
00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:11,856
It seems you've been abandoned,
205
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:15,331
and I just want to say,
hello, m'lady.
206
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:17,197
Oh.
207
00:07:17,303 --> 00:07:18,770
Hello, m'lady.
208
00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:24,433
Fuck it.
Hey.
209
00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,708
Did you ever have a girl who
thought she was your girlfriend
210
00:07:30,817 --> 00:07:32,444
and she totally wasn't?
211
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:35,578
Um, no, but I've been that way
on accident.
212
00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:37,155
You thought a girl
was your girlfriend?
213
00:07:37,256 --> 00:07:38,621
- Yeah.
- What happened?
214
00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:40,954
Well, I thought we were dating
for like four months,
215
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:43,051
and then she cheated on me.
216
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:44,754
Well, did she?
If you weren't...
217
00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:46,695
No, apparently not.
So it was fine.
218
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:49,165
- She just kind of met somebody.
- Uh-huh.
219
00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:50,292
You're a sweetheart.
220
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,604
[Up-tempo
orchestral music plays]
221
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:06,775
Aged Angus Banger with cheese
222
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,080
and a crispy
McDalmond chicken wrap.
223
00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:09,381
- Fries in the hole.
- Number five.
224
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,218
More toys. We need more toys
for the Giggle Meals.
225
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,348
What the hell do you mean
226
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:14,358
they want apple slices
in the Giggle Meals?
227
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:15,722
Corporate wants to offer
a healthy option.
228
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,921
- A healthy option?
- Yes, a healthy option.
229
00:08:18,030 --> 00:08:20,362
Well, silly me, I thought we
stood for something around here.
230
00:08:20,466 --> 00:08:22,058
No, beef dunk sales, down.
231
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,430
Giggle Meal sales, down.
232
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:24,798
Fries, Coke, Sprite...
233
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:26,531
Let me guess... down?
234
00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:28,129
Look, I don't like it
any more than you do.
235
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,606
But let's play by
their rules this time
236
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:30,869
till we get the ball back.
237
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:33,309
Jasmine dropped a burger patty
under the soft-serve machine.
238
00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:34,504
Well, fish it out
and reheat it.
239
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,343
What is this,
half-past amateur hour?
240
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,417
Wrong side of the bed
this morning, J. J?
241
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,542
I sleep on a futon.
242
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,210
I've been using the same Brita
for three years.
243
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,514
My roommate is a bassist.
244
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:45,557
You tell corporate I'm not
putting apple slices on my menu.
245
00:08:45,658 --> 00:08:48,252
What's next? No more
chicken beaks in the Everything?
246
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,262
Now, you want to tell me why
you been acting so strange?
247
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:54,162
This is my first day back,
and I'm nervous around you.
248
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,167
You look good, J.J.
249
00:08:58,437 --> 00:08:59,495
Look, I wrote to you.
250
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,732
The letters came back.
Where have you been?
251
00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:04,776
I worked my way up to being
a GM of a Sbarro in Tel Aviv.
252
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:08,040
Then one day I'm stuffing
couscous into a calzone
253
00:09:08,147 --> 00:09:11,116
and I realized
a woman's life is worth nothing
254
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:13,845
unless she's making
a great man greater.
255
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:15,284
Let's get
one thing straight...
256
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,787
No, let's get
two things straight.
257
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,323
You and me make a good team,
and you know it.
258
00:09:19,425 --> 00:09:20,619
And if just for one second
259
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,193
you could drop this whole
damaged-goods routine,
260
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,660
we could make this work.
261
00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,390
Now I'm not asking
that you finger-bang me
262
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:27,466
in the back of my Tercel
like it's 1997.
263
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,365
I'm just asking for a chance
to make a difference.
264
00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:31,868
That's three things.
265
00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:33,802
That's what you said
in my Tercel.
266
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:36,374
Guys?
You better take a look at this.
267
00:09:36,475 --> 00:09:38,204
[Suspenseful music plays]
268
00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:45,181
We got a school bus out there.
269
00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:46,478
It's the short kind.
270
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,781
I need Dora the Explorer
figurines ready yesterday.
271
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:50,446
Throw two in some of the bags.
They'll think it's Christmas.
272
00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:52,717
McCaskell,
defrost the Aged Angus Bangers.
273
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:54,486
No, hold on, McCaskell.
You won't need to do that.
274
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,221
They're just gonna want
Giggle Meals and apple slices.
275
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:57,455
Don't tell me what they want.
276
00:09:57,563 --> 00:09:59,724
There's a Dominican flag
on that dashboard.
277
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:00,730
This is Angus Bangers
278
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:02,323
and family-size curlies
all the way home.
279
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,494
I know this order. We do this
my way, you understand?
280
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,935
- We lost picture.
- Well, pull it up.
281
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:07,369
Fix the goddamn feed.
282
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:08,405
Here comes the order.
283
00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:10,202
We're gonna have to fly blind
on this one.
284
00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:11,401
Ugh!
285
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,441
Jesus, J.J.
286
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:22,519
MAN: Uh, give me,uh, 18 Giggle Meals
287
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,283
or whatever's cheapest.
288
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:25,482
I got $30.
289
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:28,059
Do you want fries
or apple slices?
290
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:29,627
Whatever's fastest.
291
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:31,390
I'm sorry.
292
00:10:31,497 --> 00:10:33,294
[Beeps]
293
00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:36,766
Yes, J.J., apple slices.
294
00:10:36,869 --> 00:10:40,965
That's the post-9/11 world
we live in now.
295
00:10:41,073 --> 00:10:44,873
Unless you change the dialogue.
296
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,605
If anyone can do it, you can.
297
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:50,079
Or doesn't that J.J.
Work here anymore?
298
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,260
Good afternoon, sir,
I'm the manager here.
299
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:09,425
One of the managers.
300
00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:10,763
I'm afraid
we're not gonna be able
301
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:12,303
to give you apple slices today.
302
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,599
Yeah, whatever.
No one cares.
303
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:15,799
You know, there was a time
in this country when apples
304
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:18,741
were for feeding horses.
305
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,903
When McDalmond's was more
than just a parking lot
306
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,241
where people met to buy Ritalin.
307
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:25,317
People weren't obese.
308
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:26,578
They were just fat.
309
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,120
And if you wanted an apple...
310
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:33,624
...you'd have to eat a pie.
311
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:36,126
That's why I'm not gonna
give you what you ordered.
312
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:40,096
No, today, I'm gonna give you
3,800 calories
313
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:43,168
of the greatest
goddamn country in the world.
314
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,396
[Garbled speech]
315
00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:46,971
Pull ahead.
316
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,607
WOMAN: J. J?
317
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,202
Someone emptied their butt
in the women's bathroom.
318
00:11:56,949 --> 00:12:00,214
Hand me my mop.
319
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:05,388
Ugh! There is a lot
of shit in here.
320
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:14,329
[Indistinct speakingon television]
321
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:16,401
Is the Internet
working for you?
322
00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:17,764
Mm...
323
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:20,395
Let me see.
324
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:22,133
No.
325
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,902
Give me my phone.
I'll call.
326
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:27,706
Uh, maybe it's better
if I call.
327
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:31,044
No, I know what you're thinking,
but I'm not gonna freak out.
328
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,515
I'm in like
a really good place.
329
00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:33,949
You sure?
330
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:37,921
Oh, my God. It's a phone call.
Like, relax.
331
00:12:38,023 --> 00:12:41,754
[Woman singing
in native language]
332
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:43,852
You got this, girl.
333
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,366
[Line ringing]
334
00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:50,992
WOMAN'S VOICE:
Please listen carefully,
335
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:52,832
as our menu has changed.
336
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,337
For English,please press 1.
337
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,168
English.
338
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:56,969
Are you currentlya Time Warner Cable customer?
339
00:12:57,076 --> 00:12:58,134
Yes.
340
00:12:58,244 --> 00:12:59,336
Do you want helpwith your account?
341
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,173
Yes.
342
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:03,442
Did you say you wantto add a landline?
343
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,880
Representative.
344
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:06,451
All of our representativesare busy.
345
00:13:06,552 --> 00:13:09,282
Please hold for the nextavailable representative.
346
00:13:09,388 --> 00:13:11,083
[Muzak playing]
347
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,425
MAN: Thank you for calling
Time Warner Cable.
348
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,762
This is Janardan. May I have
your account number, please?
349
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:24,199
Okay, it's 1-6-1-9...
350
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,497
Please hold while I look up
the first half
351
00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:26,502
of your account number.
352
00:13:26,605 --> 00:13:28,232
Oh. Yeah, that doesn't make
any sense.
353
00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:29,898
- [Beeps]
- Please don't leave me. Hello?
354
00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:31,374
[Muzak playing]
355
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,968
Gah, you're fine.
356
00:13:37,082 --> 00:13:39,209
Come on, God.
357
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:41,343
[Muzak stops, dial tone]
358
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:43,853
Hello?
Janardan? Janardan!
359
00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:47,619
No, fuck no! Shit ass!
Fuck my whole ass! Fuck!
360
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:49,626
Janardan!
361
00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:54,927
F-F-F-F-F-F-Fuck!
362
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:57,025
[Wind howling]
363
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:58,797
English.
364
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:01,600
Representative.
365
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:05,370
Person! Human person!
366
00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:07,035
[Whimpering]
367
00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,773
Thank you for calling
Time Warner Cable.
368
00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:09,813
This is Janardan.
May I...
369
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:14,352
1-6-1-9-6-3-4.
370
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:16,546
I need your account number,
please.
371
00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:19,522
Janardan, just be real
right now, man.
372
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:21,923
Be real!
373
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,995
Ma'am, let me transfer you
to our transfer department.
374
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:25,529
- What?
- Please hold for...
375
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:26,563
No, no, no, no, no!
376
00:14:26,665 --> 00:14:28,963
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
377
00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:30,729
No, Janardan!
378
00:14:30,836 --> 00:14:33,031
Janardan! Fuck!
379
00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:35,629
Fuck. Fuck.
380
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,703
[Voice breaking] I mean,
I was gonna go back to school,
381
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:43,179
but, like, for what?
382
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:44,840
Like, for what?
383
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,747
We're all going
to the same place anyway.
384
00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:48,149
[Sniffles]
385
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:50,984
All we have
are our relationships.
386
00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:54,321
Like, that's all we have
in this world.
387
00:14:54,426 --> 00:14:56,018
That's who we are.
388
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:57,561
JANARDAN: We'll need
the serial number
389
00:14:57,663 --> 00:14:59,688
of the first modem
you ever owned.
390
00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:02,790
Fuck you, Janardan!
391
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,836
[Sobbing] Fuck you.
392
00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:06,165
And what was the nickname
393
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:08,137
your mother gave you
when you were seven?
394
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,539
I know you're probably,
like, a really good guy.
395
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:14,306
It's not your fault.
You're probably like...
396
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,846
You have interests,
397
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:18,849
and maybe you have, like,
a family
398
00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:23,411
or, like, a cat or something,
but, like, fuck you.
399
00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:24,511
[Sobbing]
400
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:28,423
Like, why are you doing this
to us, Janardan?!
401
00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:32,520
[Sobbing]
402
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:38,001
[The Cranberries' "Linger"
playing]
403
00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:43,605
But I'm in so deep
404
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:48,442
You know
I'm such a fool for you
405
00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:53,917
You got me wrapped around
your finger, ah ha ha
406
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:57,079
Do you have to
let it linger?
407
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:59,487
Do you have to...
Do you have to
408
00:15:59,591 --> 00:16:03,391
Do you have to
let it linger?
409
00:16:03,495 --> 00:16:09,695
Oh, I thought
the world of you
410
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:14,705
I thought nothing
could go wrong
411
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,605
But I was wrong
412
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:20,838
I was wrong
413
00:16:20,946 --> 00:16:22,470
If you
414
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,879
If you could get by
415
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,315
Trying not to lie
416
00:16:26,418 --> 00:16:27,510
I love you, Janardan.
417
00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:29,746
I love you too, Mrs. "Skumer."
418
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,823
Things wouldn't be
so confused
419
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:32,822
Do it.
420
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:35,120
And I wouldn't feel so used
421
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:36,751
[Gunshot]
422
00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:39,797
[Beeping]
423
00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:43,163
Oh, the router just needed
to be restarted.
424
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:46,731
Cool.
425
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,373
WOMAN: Yeah, okay, well,
I'm about, you know, 5'3".
426
00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:02,420
I'm really petite, and, um,
I have long, long blond hair,
427
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:03,954
and I have bright blue eyes
428
00:17:04,056 --> 00:17:06,490
and pouty mouth
that's perfect for sucking.
429
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:08,389
I don't know if that did it
for you. I'm just...
430
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:10,121
This is all doing it for me.
431
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:12,754
So, Jennifer, you were
a phone-sex operator.
432
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:13,832
Yes, I was.
433
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:15,627
Were you nervous
your first couple calls?
434
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:17,634
Yes. You know, I'd been
around the block enough.
435
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,636
Like, I've had enough sex
to know what...
436
00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:21,399
I'm not stranger to a cock,
but still...
437
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:25,500
What was the most typical
fantasy that a guy would want?
438
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:27,772
A lot of people wanted, like,
the girlfriend experience.
439
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:28,744
What does that mean?
440
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:30,576
Someone to actually,
like, talk to them
441
00:17:30,682 --> 00:17:32,240
as if they're
in a relationship.
442
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,649
So would you
just, like, complain
443
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:36,152
and be, like, mad at them?
444
00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:37,552
My character, actually,
445
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:40,147
she was like a college coed
sex kitten.
446
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:42,625
Now, they had picked her for me.
Like, I didn't have...
447
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:43,786
Oh, they assigned you
a character.
448
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,091
They assigned me somebody
based on my voice.
449
00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:48,598
Samantha.
That was my character.
450
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,258
Samantha was somebody
before she was you.
451
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:52,667
Yes, whoever was
working her before,
452
00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:54,329
I guess they quit,
got fired, who knows?
453
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,704
- So I had to come in.
- Murdered. Let's hope not.
454
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:57,867
I just remember
one call I got.
455
00:17:57,976 --> 00:17:59,841
He wanted me to be
like five different people.
456
00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:01,378
He's like,
"We're at a pool party
457
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,606
and we're hanging out
with friends,
458
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:03,806
and then
you and I are gonna go
459
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,941
into the laundry room
and have sex."
460
00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:07,643
And I said to him,
"Why don't we just go
461
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,186
and start in the laundry room?"
462
00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:10,846
He's like, "Well, no,
we have to talk to people."
463
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:12,514
- There's a location change?
- Yes!
464
00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:14,114
Is this
"Prairie Home Companion"?
465
00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:15,591
Like, why is he making you
do this?
466
00:18:15,694 --> 00:18:17,594
At one point,
I had to be, like, the person...
467
00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:19,254
Like, "Hey, does anybody
need drinks?
468
00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:20,524
I'm going to the kitchen."
469
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:23,499
And then I'm like, "Yeah, well,
I can get something," you know?
470
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:24,728
[Laughing]
471
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,737
And I also had props.
Now, that's a huge thing.
472
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,704
Oh, yeah.
What, to make noise and stuff?
473
00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:31,605
Yes, I had a book
and a spatula.
474
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:32,870
You just bang that, you know,
475
00:18:32,978 --> 00:18:34,570
kind of sounds like
ass slapping.
476
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,671
- It does?
- Yeah, just a little bit.
477
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,409
And grapefruit or an orange.
478
00:18:38,517 --> 00:18:41,213
I'd cut it in half,
squeeze it up to the phone.
479
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,185
Just kind if, you know,
if you can imagine.
480
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,119
- I can.
- It works. Put it that way.
481
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:46,657
Is there anything
that you said no to?
482
00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:49,488
One person was asking me
to be like a Girl Scout
483
00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:51,085
and sell Girl Scout cookies.
484
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:52,288
But those are good cookies.
485
00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:53,421
Yeah,
they're very good cookies.
486
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,864
- They're almost the best.
- And you get gifts too.
487
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,663
- You do? You can get gifts?
- Yes.
488
00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:01,261
A lot of them want you
to sell your panties
489
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:02,499
or sell something personal.
490
00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:03,768
That's a big no-no.
491
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,174
Oh.
I was like, "Sure!"
492
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:07,210
So I thought about it.
493
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:10,042
I'm gonna auction off these
Spanx for a blood diamond.
494
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,639
Can you teach me
how to have phone sex?
495
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:13,911
Well, the first... You just
have to be comfortable, okay?
496
00:19:14,019 --> 00:19:15,008
Okay.
497
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:17,247
So I'd say, "Um, hey, okay,
498
00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:19,483
so I've got on
some stockings right now
499
00:19:19,591 --> 00:19:20,922
with a garter belt.
500
00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:23,961
And I've got on some really,
really tiny pink panties.
501
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:25,620
And it's a thong in the back.
502
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:28,461
And, um, I want you
to come over and take it off."
503
00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:29,693
Wow.
504
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,632
- That's what they would hear.
- Guys?
505
00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:33,568
Do you talk a lot of shit now
when you have sex?
506
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:36,140
Sometimes. Yeah.
Sometimes.
507
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,300
What's your record
for the shortest call?
508
00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:40,503
Shortest call,
I was proud of myself.
509
00:19:40,612 --> 00:19:42,136
They bought a ten,
and I did it in three.
510
00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:45,780
- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you.
511
00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:50,349
I got stopped by TMZ
the other day.
512
00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:51,854
- [Cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
513
00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:53,015
Oh, stop!
514
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:55,559
I think they thought
I was Paula Deen, but still.
515
00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:57,185
[Laughter]
516
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,957
Because we have
the same politics or whatever.
517
00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:00,588
I was psyched.
518
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,463
I know if TMZ stops you,
you're supposed to be like,
519
00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:04,968
"I'm busy!
How dare you?!"
520
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:06,867
But I was like, "What's up?
What's going on? I got time.
521
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:08,064
What's up?"
522
00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:09,435
[Laughter]
523
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,475
And then he asked me,
like, a slut question
524
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:15,104
'cause I'm the it girl
for that, and, uh...
525
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:18,149
And he was like... He asked me
about a product called Instead.
526
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:20,241
You've never heard of it, right?
I'd never heard of it.
527
00:20:20,352 --> 00:20:23,048
It is a product for women.
You buy it at the drug store.
528
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:25,146
So you put it in so you can have
sex when you have your period
529
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:26,224
and not even tell the guy.
530
00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:29,385
- [Woman gasps]
- I know! I was like, "Ew!"
531
00:20:29,494 --> 00:20:31,962
Right? I am super old-school
with that stuff.
532
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,031
I just do the whole, like,
533
00:20:33,131 --> 00:20:35,895
"oops, I must've just gotten it"
thing, you know?
534
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:37,696
[Laughter]
535
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,598
"Oh, no."
536
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,704
Or I'll pretend like
I was a virgin.
537
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:50,179
I'm like, "Are you mad?
It hurt." Just...
538
00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:55,810
Where's the can?
Gonna empty out my bowels.
539
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,411
[Laughter]
540
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,326
I sleep on a futon.
541
00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:09,127
I've been using the same Brita
for three years.
542
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,031
My roommate is a bassist.
543
00:21:11,136 --> 00:21:13,468
Don't tell me I'm not
fucking putting cook...
544
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:16,302
and fuck, fuck, suck, fuck,
goddamn motherfucker!
545
00:21:16,408 --> 00:21:18,706
Don't look at him
when he gets like this.
546
00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:21,040
CHARLES: Ugh! Sorry.
547
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:35,600
Ripped By mstoll
548
00:21:35,650 --> 00:21:40,200
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