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1
00:00:00,668 --> 00:00:03,670
[hip-hop music]
2
00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,372
3
00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:12,979
If you're watching
this VHS--yes, VHS.
4
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:15,348
I bought thousands of 'em.
I've got to use 'em somehow.
5
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,817
Anyway,
if you're watching this,
6
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:20,153
it means--
7
00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:23,323
well, it means I'm dead.
8
00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:25,258
Oh, my God.
9
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,327
[laughing]
10
00:00:27,328 --> 00:00:29,229
I'm joshing you, Billie.
I'm not dead.
11
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:32,665
However, the same cannot be
said of the wood in this house.
12
00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:36,002
It is--it is infested
with termites,
13
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,837
so Tanzy and I,
14
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:40,173
we're headed off to Mexico
for the weekend to,
15
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:41,708
you know, avoid the fumes.
16
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:43,676
I'm sure
you can handle everything.
17
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:45,211
I've already called
the exterminator.
18
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,714
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
19
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,917
Uh, well, that's it.
End communication.
20
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,185
[clears throat]
- Hi.
21
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:53,286
[gasps]
22
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:55,355
I'm Fran,
the exterminator.
23
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:58,224
I let myself in,
like the bugs.
24
00:00:58,225 --> 00:00:59,793
[chuckles]
25
00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:02,997
[slurping]
26
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:07,967
Ahh.
27
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:09,969
We're too gangsta for TV
28
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,671
That's why
you don't see us
29
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,339
But they still
wanna be us
30
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,875
Ha ha!
31
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:17,677
So this is
our most ecofriendly option,
32
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,346
kind of gets rid of the termites
without getting rid of the bees,
33
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:21,881
which apparently we need.
34
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:23,349
It takes a week,
35
00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:27,287
and it works
approximately 20% of the time.
36
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:28,455
Don't love those odds.
37
00:01:28,456 --> 00:01:30,123
We also have
this option here.
38
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:31,724
It's our most popular.
39
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,827
It does leave
a residual smell,
40
00:01:33,828 --> 00:01:34,861
kind of like
a really old coffee.
41
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,329
I enjoy it personally,
42
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,698
and that one works, eh,
a solid 35% of the time.
43
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,700
Do you have anything
that works all the time?
44
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,903
Or...
45
00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:47,073
- I mean...
- Oh.
46
00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:48,975
Can I trust you?
47
00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:51,344
Can you trust--yes.
48
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,146
- I can trust you.
- Yes.
49
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:55,181
Okay.
50
00:01:55,182 --> 00:01:57,717
I mean, you can't tell
anybody this, okay?
51
00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:00,987
I've been working on
a solution, a mixture...
52
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,255
Uh-huh.
53
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,256
In a little shed
outside in the back--
54
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,924
What is it?
55
00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:08,661
It's--it's actually my ticket
out of this uniform.
56
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:09,662
Okay.
57
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,064
I named it
after my sick kid.
58
00:02:11,065 --> 00:02:12,265
Did I tell you
I have a sick kid?
59
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:13,666
- No, I just met you.
- Yeah.
60
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,168
- His name's Rico.
- Okay.
61
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,669
That's a nice name.
62
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,338
Anyway, the formula?
63
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:22,809
It's just, you can't
tell anybody about it, okay?
64
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,177
- I mean, I swear.
- Okay.
65
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,946
- I swear on my sick kid.
- Oh, okay.
66
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:28,681
You don't have to do that.
67
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:32,085
So that main--
68
00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:33,853
what do you call that
little guest house out there?
69
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:34,954
- That's clear.
- Guest house.
70
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,489
Yeah, this main house,
71
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,957
you're gonna have to tent
the whole thing.
72
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,592
You know what that means,
don't you?
73
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:40,693
Oh, my God, have you
been there the whole time?
74
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:43,496
Slumber party!
Right?
75
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:46,699
I'm in. I mean,
I don't know about Rico, but...
76
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,535
[chuckles]
I'm in.
77
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:49,803
I think she just means us.
78
00:02:49,804 --> 00:02:52,705
Oh, no, he can come.
79
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,808
I didn't do it.
80
00:02:54,809 --> 00:02:56,543
100% termites.
81
00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:58,978
We'll do the weird
top-secret formula. Not weird.
82
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,080
We'll do the--we'll do Rico.
83
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:02,749
84
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,517
[phone ringing]
85
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:08,121
- It's ringing.
- [laughs] Shh.
86
00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:09,856
Hello?
87
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,291
- [whispers] You do it.
- [whispers] No, you.
88
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:12,559
[with accent] Joy?
89
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,928
This is the policia.
90
00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:19,232
Your parents,
they--they died.
91
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:22,669
Yeah, they died
two years ago.
92
00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:24,270
Hang up before she knows
who it is.
93
00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,139
Okay. Sorry, Joy.
It's Gene and Billie.
94
00:03:26,140 --> 00:03:28,541
What are you doing?
95
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,143
Oh, I don't know.
96
00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:32,145
This is fun,
though, right?
97
00:03:32,146 --> 00:03:34,380
Slumber party
was a good call, huh?
98
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:37,117
Thank you.
I've actually never been to one.
99
00:03:37,118 --> 00:03:38,685
[loudly] Moms used to always say
that I was, like,
100
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,420
too loud or something.
- Yeah.
101
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:42,422
I never knew
what they were talking about.
102
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:44,157
- I can see that.
- You can see what?
103
00:03:44,158 --> 00:03:45,592
The too loud thing.
104
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:47,494
Like personality
or just vocally?
105
00:03:47,495 --> 00:03:50,296
- Vocally.
- Yeah.
106
00:03:50,297 --> 00:03:53,333
Well, you--obviously,
you know my whole history
107
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,334
with slumber parties.
108
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,702
No.
109
00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:57,937
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Cool.
110
00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:00,740
I mean,
I was invited to one once.
111
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:01,908
- W--
- I--
112
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,543
But I choose
not to discuss it.
113
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,712
All right, yeah,
I mean, if it's a bummer,
114
00:04:05,713 --> 00:04:07,213
I don't care
about hearing it.
115
00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:09,082
I said I don't want
to talk about it.
116
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,216
Yeah.
117
00:04:10,217 --> 00:04:12,352
All right.
118
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:14,487
The elephant's
already in the room, you know?
119
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:16,689
Might as well
give it a peanut.
120
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,391
- The elephant?
- The--give the elephant--
121
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,026
Give the elephant
a peanut?
122
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:22,395
Tell my story,
my tale of woe.
123
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,397
Is your story about
an elephant getting a peanut?
124
00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:26,199
No, it's about
a slumber party.
125
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,067
Oh, I don't want
to hear that then.
126
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:31,438
[upbeat music]
127
00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:32,439
Oh.
128
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:33,440
That's her.
129
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,108
Deborah Denise.
130
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:37,177
Ooh, two first names.
What a bitch.
131
00:04:37,178 --> 00:04:38,945
Which one are you?
132
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,880
Oh, Jesus,
you look like a western ghost.
133
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,049
Yeah, I started high school
two years early,
134
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,384
so I hadn't developed yet.
135
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,419
Plus, I dressed like
Temple Grandin.
136
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,788
Oh, well, at least you got
invited to a slumber party.
137
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,223
- That's cool.
- Yeah, but that's it.
138
00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:51,758
It was a joke.
139
00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:53,760
When I got there,
they all threw flour at me.
140
00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:55,395
They antiqued you?
141
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,130
Yeah, and they used to call me
"Grandma Billie"
142
00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:59,632
because they thought...
- [laughs] Sorry.
143
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,469
I was, like, buttoned-up
and boring, which is,
144
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,205
like, totes cray, right?
145
00:05:05,206 --> 00:05:07,307
Don't say that.
146
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:09,509
Plus, it didn't help that I
had foot surgery freshman year,
147
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,644
so I had to walk with a cane.
148
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:14,347
Well, I wouldn't go to Deborah
Denise's stupid slumber party
149
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:15,448
if she paid me to.
150
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,350
- I would.
- Really?
151
00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:19,519
I mean only if she paid me.
152
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:23,857
I don't have a lot of money
right now.
153
00:05:23,858 --> 00:05:24,858
Hey!
154
00:05:24,859 --> 00:05:27,660
Knock it off, girl.
155
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,129
Stop!
156
00:05:29,130 --> 00:05:31,164
Stop saying stupid stuff,
and I will, girl.
157
00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,966
Stop saying "girl."
158
00:05:32,967 --> 00:05:34,534
[chuckles]
159
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:35,969
That was a good one.
160
00:05:35,970 --> 00:05:37,670
Get it, Grandma.
161
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,372
You got it, Grandma.
162
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:41,908
I'm not a grandma,
Deborah Denise!
163
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:45,979
I hope you never have children
and they don't have children,
164
00:05:45,980 --> 00:05:48,314
so you will never be
a grandma!
165
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:52,286
You [bleep] bitch!
166
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:55,855
Should we just
do something else?
167
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:57,257
Sorry.
168
00:05:57,258 --> 00:05:59,259
Smokin'!
169
00:05:59,260 --> 00:06:00,827
[both chuckling]
170
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:04,631
[French accent]
I will reveal my croissant.
171
00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:06,966
From "The Mask,"
the movie.
172
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:09,335
Oh, God.
I love Cher.
173
00:06:09,336 --> 00:06:10,637
What?
174
00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:13,173
Never have I ever made out
with your dad.
175
00:06:13,174 --> 00:06:15,442
Something you
think I have done.
176
00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:16,910
Oh.
Okay, sorry about that.
177
00:06:16,911 --> 00:06:19,479
I dare you to eat
a tube of toothpaste.
178
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,080
I'd eat a little bite.
179
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,349
Burn your closet.
Cut yourself. Cut yourself.
180
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,685
- Truth. Truth.
- Sweet bong.
181
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,854
That's not a bong.
That's my sleep apnea mask.
182
00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:30,256
- Where's your weed?
- I don't want to talk about it.
183
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:32,792
Then we're not going to.
184
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:36,095
Name a movie star you'd like
to have as your big brother.
185
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,431
That is tough one.
Ira Glass.
186
00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:39,699
No, that's too sexy.
187
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,334
[imitates explosion]
188
00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:43,470
Never have I ever made out
with my dad.
189
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,205
[choking]
190
00:06:45,206 --> 00:06:46,506
Oh, my God.
191
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,341
You made out with my dad?
192
00:06:48,342 --> 00:06:49,876
No, I was just choking.
193
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:51,511
How was he?
194
00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:52,512
Gross.
195
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:53,947
Not a good kisser?
196
00:06:53,948 --> 00:06:56,349
When your first kiss was.
197
00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:57,517
22.
198
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,953
22 years or 22 months?
199
00:06:59,954 --> 00:07:01,621
Ed Begley, Jr.
200
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:04,725
Ed Begley, Jr.
201
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,461
Oops.
I guess we're done.
202
00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:09,529
What are we gonna do next?
203
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:12,465
Play hide-and-seek?
204
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:15,368
58, 59, 60.
205
00:07:15,369 --> 00:07:17,537
Ready or not, here I come!
206
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:19,906
I'm actually pretty good
at this, Gene.
207
00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:24,310
I was hide-and-seek champion
in my middle school.
208
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:26,713
They had to close down
the school
209
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:30,049
and bring in scent dogs to..
210
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:33,286
Find me.
211
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:35,288
Oh, no.
212
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:36,656
Gene!
213
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,592
Gene?
214
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:42,295
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
215
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:44,564
Gene!
216
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,133
Gene?
217
00:07:47,268 --> 00:07:48,636
Gene?
218
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:50,670
Gene?
219
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:51,905
[coughs]
220
00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:55,275
[retches]
221
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:57,677
Oh, yeah.
222
00:07:57,678 --> 00:08:00,747
[dramatic music]
223
00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:03,183
224
00:08:03,184 --> 00:08:05,652
Gene!
225
00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:08,720
This isn't funny.
226
00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:13,212
The toxicity levels are high.
227
00:08:13,214 --> 00:08:15,349
Gene.
228
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:23,903
[both screaming]
229
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,505
Elephant in the room!
Elephant in the room!
230
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,308
Elephant in the room!
231
00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:30,336
J.C. Christ,
what were you doing?
232
00:08:30,338 --> 00:08:32,212
You scared me.
I thought you were Bane.
233
00:08:32,213 --> 00:08:34,113
It's my sleep apnea mask,
234
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:36,883
and it's not even working,
so can we go, like, now?
235
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,551
No!
236
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,220
- What?
- No!
237
00:08:40,221 --> 00:08:41,921
Gene,
you cannot be in here, okay?
238
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,323
It is dangerous.
239
00:08:43,324 --> 00:08:46,292
You know what my response
is to that?
240
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:48,728
[coughs]
Fine. Stay in here.
241
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,463
Great slumber party,
by the way.
242
00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:51,798
It worked out really well.
243
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,499
You'll probably die,
but enjoy.
244
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:54,901
Well, it would've
turned out well-er
245
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,136
if you weren't
such a killjoy.
246
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,838
It's like
you murdered the maid.
247
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,440
You get it? 'Cause Joy's--
- Yeah.
248
00:09:00,441 --> 00:09:01,741
Both: The maid.
249
00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:02,842
Killjoy.
250
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:05,178
God, do you ever
have any fun?
251
00:09:05,179 --> 00:09:06,746
- Getting out of here.
- Go ahead.
252
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:10,316
Walk away, Grandma.
253
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,818
What did you just call me?
254
00:09:11,819 --> 00:09:13,319
Grand... ma.
255
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,421
Or is your hearing going?
256
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:16,623
And that's your name,
isn't it?
257
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:18,458
You know my name
is just Billie.
258
00:09:18,459 --> 00:09:20,126
"Oh, hi, I'm Billie.
259
00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:22,996
"I like to do
my Asian newspaper puzzles
260
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:26,032
and complain about
how good music used to be."
261
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,033
Stop it.
That's not me.
262
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:28,334
"Oh, hi, I'm Billie.
263
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,969
"Ooh, I get the shivers
every time
264
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:32,772
"someone takes my blanket
off of my wheelchaired legs.
265
00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,374
Oh, hi, I'm Billie!"
266
00:09:34,375 --> 00:09:35,642
Stop introducing me!
267
00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:37,110
"Hi, I'm Billie,
268
00:09:37,111 --> 00:09:38,511
"or you could just call me
Drew Barrymore,
269
00:09:38,512 --> 00:09:41,447
'cause I ain't never
been kissed."
270
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:44,851
[chuckles]
271
00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:48,488
That was so good
and so mean.
272
00:09:48,489 --> 00:09:51,524
[classic rock music]
273
00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:53,126
That was my mid back,
274
00:09:53,127 --> 00:09:55,495
which is one
of my most sensitive spots,
275
00:09:55,496 --> 00:09:58,131
and you know that.
276
00:09:58,132 --> 00:10:00,166
What are you gonna
do with that?
277
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:03,169
Take this, you piece of S.
278
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,138
- Stay there.
- Why?
279
00:10:05,139 --> 00:10:07,541
You've been coned.
280
00:10:09,410 --> 00:10:11,211
- Grandma!
- What are you doing?
281
00:10:11,212 --> 00:10:12,879
[laughing]
282
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,181
[both screaming]
283
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:17,317
- Get off of me!
- [muttering]
284
00:10:17,318 --> 00:10:19,252
I don't have a key
for the lock!
285
00:10:19,253 --> 00:10:20,653
[shouts]
286
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,223
[beeping]
- What was that?
287
00:10:23,224 --> 00:10:26,059
What?
My ankle monitor's off.
288
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:28,595
O.M. gosh, you know what that
means, right? We're going out.
289
00:10:28,596 --> 00:10:29,862
We have to call
your caseworker.
290
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:30,997
- What?
- We're not going out.
291
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:32,432
Billie, please.
292
00:10:32,433 --> 00:10:34,434
I've been stuck in the house
for 20 days now.
293
00:10:34,435 --> 00:10:35,468
Way longer than that.
294
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:36,836
20 days!
295
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,405
We're going out.
296
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,673
I'll tell.
297
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:41,908
What?
298
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,843
If you leave,
I'll tell.
299
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,679
Aren't you tired
of killing the fun, Billie?
300
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:47,981
You're tired of it.
301
00:10:47,982 --> 00:10:49,649
- It's Friday night.
- Sunday.
302
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:51,985
It's Sunday night,
Billie.
303
00:10:51,986 --> 00:10:55,788
[Southern accent] And I may not
be a religious person,
304
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:59,592
but I believe it was God
who turned my ankle monitor off.
305
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:01,160
You're not
from the South.
306
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,496
There's a reason.
307
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:08,468
"The reason is you,"
to quote Hoobastank.
308
00:11:08,469 --> 00:11:10,536
This is your chance.
309
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:14,140
Your chance, Billie,
to prove to everyone
310
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,342
that you're not
that lame little grandma
311
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,611
that Deborah Denise
said that you were.
312
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:22,649
And to quote someone
in class yesterday,
313
00:11:22,650 --> 00:11:26,686
"She who commands the future
conquers the past."
314
00:11:26,687 --> 00:11:28,154
I-I didn't say that.
315
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:29,856
- Didn't you?
- I don't think so.
316
00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:32,392
- Didn't you say that?
- Mm, nope.
317
00:11:32,393 --> 00:11:34,060
Nope.
You know what?
318
00:11:34,061 --> 00:11:36,195
I ordered Chinese food.
It was on a fortune cookie.
319
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,064
Cookie makes sense though,
right?
320
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:39,098
Mm-mm.
321
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,567
We're going out
322
00:11:40,568 --> 00:11:43,303
Yeah, we're going out
to a nightclub
323
00:11:43,304 --> 00:11:46,139
You've got
the invite ticket
324
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:49,976
The one that says RSVP
for the discotheque
325
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:52,312
That's the one,
that's the very one
326
00:11:52,313 --> 00:11:55,381
With boys and booze
and dance floor styles
327
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:58,818
Boys get boners
due to your moves
328
00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,053
Let's go to the nightclub.
329
00:12:00,054 --> 00:12:01,287
Okay. Okay.
330
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:04,123
[magical music]
331
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:06,626
You look like Moira Kelly
from "The Cutting Edge."
332
00:12:06,627 --> 00:12:08,828
You sure this isn't too,
like, "I'm an ice skater"?
333
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:11,297
It is
but in the best way.
334
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:12,465
[coughs]
Are you crying?
335
00:12:12,466 --> 00:12:13,833
No, it's the fumes.
336
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,001
They're, like,
really getting to my eyes.
337
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,002
I think we should get
out of here.
338
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:17,670
Yeah.
339
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,105
[Weekend Money's
"Pussy Gold" playing]
340
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:21,107
Pretty face,
full figure
341
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,309
She stay but go get it,
she ain't a gold-digger
342
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,178
But yet she think
her pussy gold
343
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,679
Gold
344
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,949
Her pussy gold, gold
345
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,751
Where's the car?
346
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:34,254
I ordered an Uber,
like, five minutes ago.
347
00:12:34,255 --> 00:12:35,488
I don't know
where this thing is.
348
00:12:35,489 --> 00:12:37,090
It's, like, a stretch.
349
00:12:37,091 --> 00:12:40,760
Blaine is driving.
350
00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:42,562
So where are you from?
351
00:12:42,563 --> 00:12:44,364
You know where I'm from.
352
00:12:44,365 --> 00:12:45,498
I know.
I'm just bored.
353
00:12:45,499 --> 00:12:46,499
Yeah, me too.
354
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,001
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
355
00:12:48,002 --> 00:12:50,169
Club girls coming through.
356
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:54,908
Hello, four shots of literally
whatever... alcoholic.
357
00:12:54,909 --> 00:12:56,509
- Is that all for you?
- Yeah.
358
00:12:56,510 --> 00:12:58,278
What are you having, Billie?
359
00:12:58,279 --> 00:12:59,946
Brandy Alexander.
360
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:02,282
Billie.
361
00:13:02,283 --> 00:13:05,552
I thought we were leaving...
362
00:13:05,553 --> 00:13:08,187
your AARP discount card...
363
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:09,255
at home tonight.
364
00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:10,957
That's a lot of alcohol.
365
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,792
- Order a real drink, Billie.
- Okay.
366
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:16,296
I'll have a vodka cosmopolitan
with an orange slice.
367
00:13:16,297 --> 00:13:17,564
- Come on.
- Okay.
368
00:13:17,565 --> 00:13:20,633
Hold the orange slice.
369
00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,302
Okay, fine. I'll just have
what she's having.
370
00:13:22,303 --> 00:13:24,037
Yes!
371
00:13:24,038 --> 00:13:26,406
Shots of alcohol.
Cheers.
372
00:13:26,407 --> 00:13:28,711
You have a dick, right?
Let's party.
373
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:33,348
[dance music]
374
00:13:33,349 --> 00:13:35,517
This music is super fresh.
375
00:13:35,518 --> 00:13:37,986
Yeah, it's DJ Doghead.
He's my favorite.
376
00:13:37,987 --> 00:13:40,690
Why do they call him that?
377
00:13:42,692 --> 00:13:44,660
'Cause his head
is a dog head.
378
00:13:44,661 --> 00:13:46,829
And he's a DJ, so the DJ
and then the dog head.
379
00:13:46,830 --> 00:13:48,497
- I get it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
380
00:13:48,498 --> 00:13:49,832
Time for a club pic!
381
00:13:49,833 --> 00:13:51,767
Oh, picture of us
at a nightclub!
382
00:13:51,768 --> 00:13:52,835
Whoo-hoo!
383
00:13:52,836 --> 00:13:54,269
Let's do it.
384
00:13:54,270 --> 00:13:55,270
- I'll take it.
- Cool, cool, cool, cool.
385
00:13:55,271 --> 00:13:57,406
Ready?
[camera clicks]
386
00:13:57,407 --> 00:13:58,874
Oh, God.
Is that really--
387
00:13:58,875 --> 00:14:01,410
Oh, my gosh,
is that what we look like?
388
00:14:01,411 --> 00:14:03,512
We are two fat bitches.
389
00:14:03,513 --> 00:14:04,646
It's not great.
390
00:14:04,647 --> 00:14:05,748
Jesus.
391
00:14:05,749 --> 00:14:07,516
I'll get someone to take it.
392
00:14:07,517 --> 00:14:09,952
Hey, pretty boy
with the tail, dovetails.
393
00:14:09,953 --> 00:14:12,187
Can you take this picture?
394
00:14:12,188 --> 00:14:14,189
Go--can you go a little
further back, so we look good?
395
00:14:14,190 --> 00:14:16,326
Yeah.
396
00:14:17,994 --> 00:14:19,495
What the--
397
00:14:19,496 --> 00:14:21,597
Oh, my God,
he-he just took my phone! Hey!
398
00:14:21,598 --> 00:14:23,031
Okay, you know what?
399
00:14:23,032 --> 00:14:25,100
It's okay.
Look, let me--drink this.
400
00:14:25,101 --> 00:14:26,502
- Who does that?
- I know.
401
00:14:26,503 --> 00:14:29,338
But drink it,
and you'll feel better.
402
00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:30,706
Yeah?
403
00:14:30,707 --> 00:14:31,974
- You're right. I feel better.
- Yeah?
404
00:14:31,975 --> 00:14:33,776
Did I always have gum
in my mouth?
405
00:14:33,777 --> 00:14:36,311
406
00:14:36,312 --> 00:14:38,814
DJ Doghead,
I love you.
407
00:14:38,815 --> 00:14:40,816
He pointed at me.
Totally pointed at me.
408
00:14:40,817 --> 00:14:43,452
- [murmurs]
- Yeah.
409
00:14:43,453 --> 00:14:44,820
What's he doing?
410
00:14:44,821 --> 00:14:46,789
I think he wants us
to go with him.
411
00:14:46,790 --> 00:14:48,490
Oh, [bleep], son!
412
00:14:48,491 --> 00:14:50,292
We just got invited
to the dog pound!
413
00:14:50,293 --> 00:14:51,627
Randy Jackson style.
414
00:14:51,628 --> 00:14:52,861
Yeah.
415
00:14:52,862 --> 00:14:55,130
It's cool if we have these?
416
00:14:55,131 --> 00:14:56,398
That's awesome.
417
00:14:56,399 --> 00:14:58,300
I'm Gene,
and this is Billie.
418
00:14:58,301 --> 00:14:59,868
Why don't you
take your head off?
419
00:14:59,869 --> 00:15:02,037
No, Billie,
he doesn't take his head off.
420
00:15:02,038 --> 00:15:03,872
He's DJ Doghead, okay?
421
00:15:03,873 --> 00:15:05,407
He never takes his head off.
422
00:15:05,408 --> 00:15:07,309
- Ah.
- It's a thing.
423
00:15:07,310 --> 00:15:08,377
I take it off.
424
00:15:08,378 --> 00:15:09,445
I take it off all the time.
425
00:15:09,446 --> 00:15:10,979
It gets hot in there.
426
00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:13,549
- Both: Chris Klein?
- You're DJ Doghead?
427
00:15:13,550 --> 00:15:16,085
Yeah, I've been DJing for,
like, deuce years now.
428
00:15:16,086 --> 00:15:18,053
There's just something
about loud music
429
00:15:18,054 --> 00:15:19,388
and tight spaces,
you know.
430
00:15:19,389 --> 00:15:21,323
I just love it
when the beat drops
431
00:15:21,324 --> 00:15:24,393
and everybody's face is like,
"Whoa, the beat just dropped."
432
00:15:24,394 --> 00:15:26,328
- That is what it's like.
- Yeah, that's what I do.
433
00:15:26,329 --> 00:15:29,298
I'm like, "Whoa!"
- Right? Right?
434
00:15:29,299 --> 00:15:30,966
That must be so fresh.
435
00:15:30,967 --> 00:15:35,170
Oh, on a fresh level,
it is the froshest.
436
00:15:35,171 --> 00:15:37,740
- You should be New Chet.
- Gene.
437
00:15:37,741 --> 00:15:39,808
What?
438
00:15:39,809 --> 00:15:41,176
What's that?
439
00:15:41,177 --> 00:15:42,745
Oh,
Chet's my dead best friend.
440
00:15:42,746 --> 00:15:44,346
You don't look
like him or anything,
441
00:15:44,347 --> 00:15:46,648
but he was cool,
and you're cool too.
442
00:15:46,649 --> 00:15:48,450
So you're New Chet.
443
00:15:48,451 --> 00:15:50,819
Don't die.
444
00:15:50,820 --> 00:15:54,823
What you said made zero sense,
but I love a nickname.
445
00:15:54,824 --> 00:15:56,592
I'll totally be New Chet!
446
00:15:56,593 --> 00:15:58,127
- Yes!
- Yeah!
447
00:15:58,128 --> 00:15:59,428
DJ Dog Chet.
448
00:15:59,429 --> 00:16:02,097
- Both: DJ Dog Chet.
- Whoo!
449
00:16:02,098 --> 00:16:03,699
It's the same syllables.
450
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:04,933
We rock and rollers
451
00:16:04,934 --> 00:16:07,102
all: Whoo!
452
00:16:07,103 --> 00:16:08,737
Them Lamborghini doors up
453
00:16:08,738 --> 00:16:11,940
454
00:16:11,941 --> 00:16:15,577
We be at the party with
them Lamborghini doors up
455
00:16:15,578 --> 00:16:18,947
Hopping up and down,
what you know about that?
456
00:16:18,948 --> 00:16:20,749
Ha ha
457
00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:22,718
Yeah!
458
00:16:22,719 --> 00:16:25,854
Ghost pussy.
459
00:16:25,855 --> 00:16:27,623
That's what God looks like
when he eats clouds.
460
00:16:27,624 --> 00:16:29,758
[imitates chomping]
461
00:16:29,759 --> 00:16:31,627
Hey, God,
what you doing in a nightclub?
462
00:16:31,628 --> 00:16:33,729
- He's having a good time.
- God, you in the nightclub.
463
00:16:33,730 --> 00:16:35,264
Just having a good time,
Billie.
464
00:16:35,265 --> 00:16:36,932
Whoo!
465
00:16:36,933 --> 00:16:39,101
Take that.
We got to go.
466
00:16:39,102 --> 00:16:40,269
What? No!
467
00:16:40,270 --> 00:16:41,904
Chris Klein
is getting us drinks.
468
00:16:41,905 --> 00:16:44,106
- I said we have to go, Gene.
- No.
469
00:16:44,107 --> 00:16:46,141
This is, like,
the best night of my life!
470
00:16:46,142 --> 00:16:49,078
I was even thinking
about chanting that later.
471
00:16:49,079 --> 00:16:50,612
Deborah Denise is here.
472
00:16:50,613 --> 00:16:51,880
What?
I can't hear you.
473
00:16:51,881 --> 00:16:53,916
- It's too loud.
- I said...
474
00:16:53,917 --> 00:16:58,153
[music stops]
Deborah Denise is here!
475
00:16:58,154 --> 00:16:59,544
I think she heard you.
476
00:16:59,775 --> 00:17:01,330
We can still
get out of here.
477
00:17:01,332 --> 00:17:02,881
No, Billie,
you have to face this.
478
00:17:02,882 --> 00:17:04,482
I can't feel my feet!
479
00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:06,184
That's 'cause
you have really high shoes on.
480
00:17:06,185 --> 00:17:08,286
You just want to stay here
because you're having fun!
481
00:17:08,287 --> 00:17:10,555
- No, that is not it.
- It is so it.
482
00:17:10,556 --> 00:17:13,725
Okay, it's, like, 80% of it,
okay, but the other 30% is that
483
00:17:13,726 --> 00:17:15,226
I want you to deal with this.
I think she just walked up.
484
00:17:15,227 --> 00:17:16,461
She's right here.
She's looking at me.
485
00:17:16,462 --> 00:17:17,996
I think
she's just right there.
486
00:17:17,997 --> 00:17:21,032
Walk up to her, and just say
something cool and bitchy.
487
00:17:21,033 --> 00:17:22,534
- Okay.
- Yeah.
488
00:17:22,535 --> 00:17:23,532
She can hear everything
we're saying.
489
00:17:23,536 --> 00:17:25,537
- Get it.
- Got it.
490
00:17:25,538 --> 00:17:28,306
- Hey, there.
- Nope.
491
00:17:28,307 --> 00:17:31,443
Grandma Billie,
is that you?
492
00:17:31,444 --> 00:17:33,578
What are you doing here?
493
00:17:33,579 --> 00:17:36,448
Shouldn't a nurse be lowering
you into an Epsom salt bath?
494
00:17:36,449 --> 00:17:41,319
Yeah. Yes, if by "a nurse,"
you mean a hot dude,
495
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,821
and by "Epsom salt bath,"
496
00:17:42,822 --> 00:17:45,590
you mean a really big
Epsom salt bath.
497
00:17:45,591 --> 00:17:47,058
Oh!
498
00:17:47,059 --> 00:17:49,094
Nice comeback,
Betty White.
499
00:17:49,095 --> 00:17:51,563
Oh, more like
Betty What?
500
00:17:51,564 --> 00:17:54,232
'Cause you're not even
cool to me anymore.
501
00:17:54,233 --> 00:17:56,001
Pfft.
Got her.
502
00:17:56,002 --> 00:17:57,736
Got her in the club.
503
00:17:57,737 --> 00:18:00,071
Nailed her.
Not in the good way.
504
00:18:00,072 --> 00:18:01,272
Excuse me?
505
00:18:01,273 --> 00:18:02,741
She's--what she's saying
506
00:18:02,742 --> 00:18:04,809
is you look like old Barbie doll
doo-doo, okay?
507
00:18:04,810 --> 00:18:06,678
- [chuckles]
- Okay, bay-bay?
508
00:18:06,679 --> 00:18:09,748
Okay, well,
you look like ice-capade puke.
509
00:18:09,749 --> 00:18:12,817
Ladies, brought us
some Klein coolers.
510
00:18:12,818 --> 00:18:14,586
Well,
they're just wine coolers,
511
00:18:14,587 --> 00:18:16,588
but I bought 'em,
so technically, that's right.
512
00:18:16,589 --> 00:18:19,624
No, this is not the time,
New Chet, okay?
513
00:18:19,625 --> 00:18:21,526
We're in the middle
of a catfight.
514
00:18:21,527 --> 00:18:26,197
Well,
then let the dog handle it.
515
00:18:26,198 --> 00:18:30,201
Dance off!
516
00:18:30,202 --> 00:18:34,205
In this corner...
517
00:18:34,206 --> 00:18:37,042
Oh.
518
00:18:37,043 --> 00:18:40,111
Yeah!
[all cheering]
519
00:18:40,112 --> 00:18:42,213
Oh, my God, Billie.
520
00:18:42,214 --> 00:18:44,282
That was so fresh,
it was unreal.
521
00:18:44,283 --> 00:18:47,619
She fell like John Travolta
in "Saturday Night Fever."
522
00:18:47,620 --> 00:18:49,220
To John Travolta!
523
00:18:49,221 --> 00:18:50,889
Travolta!
524
00:18:50,890 --> 00:18:52,557
[dance music]
525
00:18:52,558 --> 00:18:54,859
Whoo!
526
00:18:54,860 --> 00:18:56,561
Whoo!
527
00:18:56,562 --> 00:18:58,296
Whoo!
528
00:18:58,297 --> 00:19:03,068
529
00:19:03,069 --> 00:19:05,203
Ahh...
530
00:19:05,204 --> 00:19:06,738
Klein,
you look like Maleficent.
531
00:19:06,739 --> 00:19:08,173
Who?
532
00:19:08,174 --> 00:19:10,508
- You do.
- From the movie "Maleficent."
533
00:19:10,509 --> 00:19:12,510
Ohh!
534
00:19:12,511 --> 00:19:16,247
535
00:19:16,248 --> 00:19:18,384
Ooh!
536
00:19:21,721 --> 00:19:23,088
That's my phone.
537
00:19:23,089 --> 00:19:25,890
538
00:19:25,891 --> 00:19:26,925
Not even looking.
539
00:19:26,926 --> 00:19:27,926
Oh!
540
00:19:27,927 --> 00:19:29,194
Ah!
541
00:19:29,195 --> 00:19:30,395
Got it.
542
00:19:30,396 --> 00:19:33,765
Up, up!
543
00:19:33,766 --> 00:19:35,600
Ahh!
544
00:19:35,601 --> 00:19:37,435
545
00:19:37,436 --> 00:19:40,772
Best night of my life!
Best night of my life!
546
00:19:40,773 --> 00:19:44,542
Oh! Oh!
547
00:19:44,543 --> 00:19:46,778
[laughs]
Yeah.
548
00:19:46,779 --> 00:19:54,786
549
00:19:54,787 --> 00:19:58,490
[babbling]
550
00:19:58,491 --> 00:20:02,260
- Shoe.
- [grunts]
551
00:20:02,261 --> 00:20:04,963
Yeah, I'm up
by the Russell house.
552
00:20:04,964 --> 00:20:06,765
Ahh!
553
00:20:06,766 --> 00:20:08,700
Yeah, you're gonna want
to send an ambulance this time.
554
00:20:08,701 --> 00:20:11,836
They look really bath-salty.
555
00:20:11,837 --> 00:20:13,972
Ta-ta-gow-tow-tow.
556
00:20:13,973 --> 00:20:15,940
[dog barking]
- Hush, Muffins.
557
00:20:15,941 --> 00:20:17,008
Hush.
558
00:20:17,009 --> 00:20:18,977
[speaking gibberish]
559
00:20:18,978 --> 00:20:23,315
Dr. Kravitz,
a visitor in the main lobby.
560
00:20:23,316 --> 00:20:25,817
- [murmurs]
- Well, we're sharing a room.
561
00:20:25,818 --> 00:20:28,053
It's kind of
like a slumber party.
562
00:20:28,054 --> 00:20:29,120
This isn't funny, Gene.
563
00:20:29,121 --> 00:20:32,290
We could've died.
564
00:20:32,291 --> 00:20:36,561
Truth or dare?
565
00:20:36,562 --> 00:20:37,729
Dare.
566
00:20:37,730 --> 00:20:41,099
Dare you to...
burn your closet.
567
00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:42,701
Or cut yourself.
Cut yourself.
568
00:20:42,702 --> 00:20:45,570
Or eat a tube of toothpaste.
569
00:20:45,571 --> 00:20:46,938
I'd eat a little bite.
570
00:20:46,939 --> 00:20:48,540
Nurse,
can we get a toothpaste?
571
00:20:48,541 --> 00:20:50,442
Yeah,
that actually sounds good.
572
00:20:50,443 --> 00:20:51,576
What flavor?
573
00:20:51,577 --> 00:20:52,877
Original mint.
574
00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:54,747
Original mint!
575
00:20:54,797 --> 00:20:59,347
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