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Welcome to "Last Week Tonight !"
I'm John Oliver.
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Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.
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Biden met with Xi Jinping,
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King Charles celebrated his 75th
birthday while looking at least 97,
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and George Santos announced
he wouldn't be seeking re-election
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after an Ethics Committee report
that he disputes found
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he'd used campaign donations
for personal purchases on Botox,
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Sephora, and OnlyFans.
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And honestly, I like him now
and I think he should stay.
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Israel's airstrikes and ground
invasion continued in Gaza,
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and the discourse on it here reached
its absolute nadir when Fox Business
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{\an8}welcomed Fabio for a ten-minute
interview on the subject,
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{\an8}including this wild digression
concerning Hamas.
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{\an8}These people, they find so much
pleasure to kill, just the worst.
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{\an8}10,000 times worse
than the Nazis !
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{\an8}And also, they advertise,
they publicize, they are so happy:
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{\an8} "I killed ten Jew, I did that"...
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{\an8}It's like, at least the Nazis,
they kept it kind of quiet.
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What ?
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Hold on, Fabio !
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Far be it for me to contradict
a noted geopolitical expert
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and former I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter spokesperson,
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but "At least the Nazis
kept it kind of quiet ?"
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The Nazis kept it many things.
They kept it punctual.
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They kept it blonde.
They kept it humorless.
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And yes, they kept it tight.
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They were well tailored
pieces of shit.
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But subtlety was, famously, very
much not their calling card, Fabio.
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But we're going to turn to Congress,
which before recessing this week
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passed a continuing resolution "to keep
the government open" into the new year.
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But in the runup,
things got a bit weird.
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It was a tense confrontation between
Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin,
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and the head of the Teamsters,
Sean O'Brien.
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They'd gone back and forth online
a few months ago, with O'Brien saying
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"Quit the tough guy
act in these Senate hearings.
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You know where to find me.
Anyplace, anytime cowboy.
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Hashtag little man syndrome",
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with an image of Mullin
standing on a box at a debate.
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This week,
Mullin answered that challenge.
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{\an8}Sir, this is a time, this is a place.
If you want to run your mouth.
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{\an8}We can be two consenting adults.
We can finish it here.
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{\an8}- Okay, that's fine, perfect.
- You want to do it now ?
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{\an8}- I'd love to do it right now.
- Stand your butt up then.
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{\an8}You stand your butt up, big guy.
Is that your solution ?
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Sit down.
You're a United States senator.
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That voice was Bernie Sanders,
and respectfully, Bernie, shut up !
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It is nice to hear
you call for a ceasefire,
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a lot of us thought
you'd forgotten how to do that.
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But shut up !
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I want to see anabolic Jim Halpert
get his ass handed to him.
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Because do you know
who Sean O'Brien is ?
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He's a fourth-generation
Boston Teamster.
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He basically came out of the womb
wearing brass knuckles.
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I want to see
Senator Anger Management
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get his jock rocked
by Beantown's Mr. Clean here.
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That's what I want !
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While Bernie did stop the fighting,
he couldn't stop the pettiness.
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{\an8}He made
a lot of statements, right ?
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{\an8}His statements are fiction,
at best.
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{\an8}- Fiction ? I read 'em !
- What ?
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{\an8}- Answer the question, please.
- I can't understand him, to be honest.
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That is so childish,
it's actually brilliant.
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O'Brien has got
the demeanor of a mob boss,
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the body of a fire hydrant,
and the insults of a five-year-old.
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And amazingly,
it still wasn't over.
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Mullin challenged O'Brien
to a charity fight and later said this.
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- I'm not afraid of biting. I will bite.
- Biting ?
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If I'm in a fight, I'm gonna bite,
I'll do anything. I'm not above it.
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And I don't care where I bite.
It's just is gonna be a bite.
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You don't care where you bite ?
There's no other way to interpret that
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than Mullin is going to bite him
in the dick.
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And how is that tough-guy behavior ?
"Watch out, he bites"
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isn't what you say about a senator
who everyone respects,
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it's what you say
about a three-year-old named Dylan
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after he's had two Capri Suns.
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And that wasn't Congress's
only fight this week.
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Kevin McCarthy allegedly elbowed
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Tennessee representative
Tim Burchett in the back,
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with Burchett later responding,
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"I prayed for him this morning
because I know he's hurting",
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which we all know is Southern for
"I hope that shitbag sits on a nail".
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And in a House hearing,
Kentucky rep James Comer
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got into an argument
with Florida rep Jared Moskowitz,
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in the course of which Comer
dropped a weirdly specific insult.
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You look like a Smurf here,
just going around and all this stuff.
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Mr. Chairman, you have...
Hold on, we're not on time...
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You continue
to spew disinformation.
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You might think that it's uncalled
for an elected representative
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to call a fellow congressman
a Smurf.
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But in Comer's defense, this is how
Moskowitz was dressed that day.
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I hate to say he was asking for it,
but he was kind of asking for it.
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You wear that outfit only if
you want to be called a Smurf,
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or maybe you're the special guest
at a J.
- Crew-sponsored gender reveal,
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but those are the only options.
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Moskowitz hit back by posting
"Gargamel was very angry today",
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which, I'll be honest,
is exactly what a Smurf would say.
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CNN's analysis of the back-and-forth
contained the amazing sentence
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"For the many nonafficionados
of the animated series,
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Gargamel was an evil wizard
who hunted Smurfs for fun",
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which I'm sorry, CNN,
is an insultingly
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reductive misinterpretation
of Gargamel's motivations.
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For the record,
Gargamel doesn't hunt smurfs,
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he kidnaps them in order to eat them
or turn them into gold.
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It's not for fun. It is to seek revenge
after the Smurfs not only defeated him
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but subjected him to cruel humiliation
in 1961's "The Smurfnapper,"
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or "Le Voleur de Schtroumpf,"
in which the Surfs tricked him
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into drinking a potion that shrank him
down to the size of a Smurf.
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And CNN's
exclusion of that backstory
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is frankly why Americans
no longer trust the news media.
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All in all, it was a week that showed
a legislative body on its last nerve.
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As a spokesperson
for Mitch McConnell put it
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"Today is another example
of why Congress
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shouldn't be in session for five weeks
straight. Weird things happen."
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To which I'd say "Totally !"
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But also, did you know
that most people, and this is true,
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work ten times
that many weeks in a row
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and manage not to physically or
emotionally assault their colleagues ?
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And so much of this
is entirely self-inflicted,
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given that House Republicans
spent weeks
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tearing each other apart
over the choice of House speaker.
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This session raises the question of
whether Republicans can govern at all.
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And it's not just me saying that.
Here's Texas Republican Chip Roy.
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{\an8}One thing !
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{\an8}I want my Republican colleagues
to give me one thing, one,
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{\an8}that I can go campaign on
and say we did.
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{\an8}One !
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{\an8}Anybody sitting in the complex,
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{\an8}if you want to come down to the floor
and come explain to me,
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{\an8}one material,
meaningful, significant thing
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{\an8}the Republican majority
has done besides
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{\an8} "I guess it's not as bad
as the Democrats".
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He's right.
In fact, he's so right,
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I'm not even going to comment
on how "Chip Roy"
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sounds like an ice cream sandwich
they'd sell at French Burger King.
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Because instead of spending
the last year actually serving people,
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Republicans wasted a huge amount
of time bickering amongst themselves
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and basically running around
with their dicks in their hands.
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Dicks that, we sadly now know, at least
one senator is in no way afraid to bite.
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And now, this !
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And Now:
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You'll Never Guess Where
Fox's Pete Hegseth Went to College.
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{\an8}Joe Biden attempted to say we're going
to cancel $10,000 in student loans.
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{\an8}My alma mater, Princeton,
they didn't do this when I was there.
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{\an8}An elite education
would be Princeton, where I went.
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{\an8}I actually think it was 33,000
when I first went to Princeton.
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{\an8}The most important thing about me
is that I went to Princeton.
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{\an8}The history department at Princeton
University, where I went to school.
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{\an8}A professor of mine at Princeton.
Andrew, you and I went to Princeton.
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{\an8}I went to Princeton.
I ended up going to Princeton.
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{\an8}I wanted to make sure
you all know I went to Princeton.
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{\an8}- Did you play basketball ?
- I did.
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{\an8}- At Princeton !
- He went to Princeton, guys.
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{\an8}Pete went to Princeton.
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{\an8}You can count the legs.
But maybe I'm missing something.
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{\an8}- I don't know.
- That's why he went to Princeton.
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{\an8}I thought I was going to be an NBA
player, so I wanted to go to Princeton.
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{\an8}I went and I sat on the bench
for four years.
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{\an8} "Coach, why don't I play more ?"
He said "Why don't you get better ?"
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{\an8}I played at Princeton.
I'm a Minnesota Gophers fan.
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{\an8}- He played at Princeton.
- I sat on the bench.
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{\an8}I talked
to a basketball coach yesterday.
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{\an8}I'm going to have more
about this next week
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{\an8}who said that he coached against
you when you were at Princeton,
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{\an8}and you were not
in the scouting report.
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{\an8}Our own Pete Hegseth, who did play
basketball at Princeton, by the way.
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{\an8}On the bench !
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Moving on.
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Our main story tonight
concerns shopping:
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an easy and enjoyable way to forget
that you, and everyone you know,
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will one day die.
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It concerns one of the most ubiquitous
places to go shopping in this country,
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dollar stores, the discount outlets
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where you can get a variety of goods
at sometimes a dollar or less,
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and that position themselves
with upbeat materials like this.
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Whether you're making a quick fill-in
stop or stocking up for the week,
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Dollar General helps you
save on the things you need
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00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,799
and the unexpected items
that make shopping fun.
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Something new for the house,
a greeting card,
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or a surprise
for someone special.
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Ultimately, we love helping
our customers save time and money.
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It's what drives us.
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That's why more than 125.000 people
have joined our team,
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and we're growing every day.
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They really captured a wide array
of definitely human people in that ad.
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They've got an old lady, a nurse,
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a man who absolutely
does not have kids, Molly Ringwald,
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and some idiot about to buy
a bouquet of half inflated balloons.
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Today, two companies dominate
this particular retail landscape:
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Dollar General and Dollar Tree,
which also owns Family Dollar.
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00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:18,955
These two corporations operate more
than 35.000 dollar stores in the U.S.,
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00:10:19,039 --> 00:10:22,759
more than all Walmart, Starbucks,
and McDonald's combined.
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00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:24,756
And they have earnings to match.
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Last year, Dollar General
made 2.4 billion in profit,
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00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,200
while Dollar Tree made 1.6 billion.
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00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:33,396
And their growth has been fueled
by targeting low-income customers,
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00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,996
singling out communities that have
been marginalized economically,
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00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,315
often rural areas
and neighborhoods of color.
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A former Dollar General CEO
once described their customer base
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as being "in a permanent recession",
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00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:47,240
and their current CEO
summed up the business like this.
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I would tell you we do very good
in good times,
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00:10:50,679 --> 00:10:52,480
and we do fabulous
in bad times.
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00:10:53,039 --> 00:10:57,475
It's a store that tends to do better
when its customers are doing worse.
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Which isn't something that really
requires use of the word "fabulous".
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00:11:01,039 --> 00:11:03,996
"Fabulous" is best used
to describe a quirky hat,
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00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,955
or the cast
of "The Golden Bachelor",
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00:11:06,039 --> 00:11:08,036
or the fact that Kim Cattrall
made a million dollars
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00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:12,799
to sit in a car
and not talk to Sarah Jessica Parker.
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00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:16,916
But a company bragging about how
it can profit off financial hardship ?
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00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,039
Not so much.
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00:11:18,799 --> 00:11:19,916
You might've heard stories
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00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,636
about how dollar stores impact
the communities that they are in,
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00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:26,435
where they can be
the only food retailer around.
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00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,195
In some cases, that may be
because they've driven others out.
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00:11:29,279 --> 00:11:33,475
In others, it could be because they've
entered a market that's a food desert.
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00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:36,475
But either way,
customers often turn to these stores
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00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:38,359
for their convenience
and low prices,
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00:11:38,399 --> 00:11:41,075
although those prices
can be a bit misleading,
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00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,459
as this clip
from a few years ago demonstrates.
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00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,559
At Dollar Tree, a two-pack
of Irish Spring soap costs a dollar.
221
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,960
At Target,
an eight-pack costs 3.99.
222
00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:55,840
But if you look very closely, the bars
sold at Dollar Tree, they're smaller.
223
00:11:56,519 --> 00:11:58,916
If you do the math,
Irish Spring by the ounce
224
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,639
is actually more expensive
at Dollar Tree.
225
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:06,595
Despite the promise of value,
you can end up getting less for more.
226
00:12:06,679 --> 00:12:10,919
I will say in the case of Irish Spring,
that's not necessarily a bad thing.
227
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:15,955
I don't want more of something
that smells like a citrus bergamot fart
228
00:12:16,039 --> 00:12:18,360
and leaves
these moneymakers ashy as hell.
229
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:22,795
But if all you can afford for soap
is a dollar right now,
230
00:12:22,879 --> 00:12:24,715
a dollar store will sell it to you.
231
00:12:24,799 --> 00:12:29,276
We're not gonna focus on the location
or pricing of dollar stores tonight.
232
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,396
We're going to focus
on how they are run.
233
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:35,759
If you've ever set foot in one you know
they can look like a total disaster.
234
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:39,396
I really don't know where everybody
else is getting their Dollar Trees,
235
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:43,919
'cause every single one I've ever
walked into has looked like this.
236
00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:47,120
Yes, shopping at the DG.
237
00:12:50,279 --> 00:12:53,240
I need staples and they're
about 20 feet down that way.
238
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,595
My God, why does
my Dollar Tree look like caca ?
239
00:12:57,679 --> 00:13:02,240
Look at this Dollar Tree.
What the fuck ?
240
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:06,795
Yeah, "what the fuck" is right.
Those look less like functioning stores
241
00:13:06,879 --> 00:13:10,116
and more like "American Ninja
Warrior: Retail Edition".
242
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,715
They look like someone
picked up a dollar store, shook it,
243
00:13:12,799 --> 00:13:15,039
and dumped it out
into another dollar store.
244
00:13:15,759 --> 00:13:17,715
And a quick shout out
to the automated TikTok voice there
245
00:13:17,799 --> 00:13:19,435
trying to say the word "caca".
246
00:13:19,519 --> 00:13:22,075
She's doing her absolute best,
that is all that we can ask of her
247
00:13:22,159 --> 00:13:24,675
that, and maybe
to say naughty things like...
248
00:13:24,759 --> 00:13:25,919
- Penis.
- Or...
249
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,636
- Vagina.
- Or...
250
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,356
Charles Manson was low-key hot
251
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:31,516
in a character actor
Griffin Dunne kind of way.
252
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:32,559
Exactly.
253
00:13:33,399 --> 00:13:36,955
To an extent that you may not realize,
that chaos isn't a one-off mistake,
254
00:13:37,039 --> 00:13:39,039
or the fault of those stores' employees
255
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:43,195
it is the natural end product of how
the companies behind these stores
256
00:13:43,279 --> 00:13:44,475
choose to operate them.
257
00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:47,276
And if you think it can be
bad shopping at a dollar store,
258
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,060
it is nothing compared
to what it's like working there.
259
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:51,955
It's been said
that working at Dollar General
260
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:54,759
may be the worst retail job
in America.
261
00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:57,835
If these stores are this ubiquitous,
make this much money,
262
00:13:57,919 --> 00:13:59,916
and are this terrible to work for,
263
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,876
as we get ready for Black Friday,
let's talk about dollar stores.
264
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,276
Let's start with the fact that one of the
key ways that they squeeze margins
265
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:10,435
isn't on tiny soaps,
it's on labor costs.
266
00:14:10,519 --> 00:14:12,595
They often have two employees,
267
00:14:12,679 --> 00:14:16,279
or sometimes even just one,
manning the entire store.
268
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,996
Watch as this Dollar Tree customer
discovers in real time
269
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,279
that there is only one person
working there.
270
00:14:22,039 --> 00:14:24,435
- Only worker here.
- Only worker.
271
00:14:24,519 --> 00:14:27,799
Doing this with no shelves,
no nothing, look at this.
272
00:14:32,159 --> 00:14:33,720
She's the only worker here.
273
00:14:36,159 --> 00:14:37,399
Everything, guys.
274
00:14:38,759 --> 00:14:41,435
These people don't even work here
and they're helping her.
275
00:14:41,519 --> 00:14:44,000
Look at this. Walls of boxes.
276
00:14:45,159 --> 00:14:46,200
All by herself.
277
00:14:47,039 --> 00:14:49,276
Yeah, of course,
the stores are gonna look like that
278
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,715
when there's only one person there
to do everything.
279
00:14:51,799 --> 00:14:55,595
It's so bad, random dudes
are pitching in to help her for free.
280
00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:58,916
Imagine how monumentally shitty
a store would have to be
281
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:03,159
for you, a customer, to walk in
and say "Fuck, they need me".
282
00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:06,479
It reminds me
of that famous Mr. Rogers quote
283
00:15:06,559 --> 00:15:09,595
"When you walk into a dollar store that
looks like Chernobyl after the blast,
284
00:15:09,679 --> 00:15:12,979
look for the helpers, you will always
find people who are helping".
285
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,795
And incidentally,
the people employed by dollar stores
286
00:15:16,879 --> 00:15:19,960
are not making much
more than those volunteer helpers.
287
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,276
Just watch as a former
Dollar General worker
288
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,435
points out the disparity
between what the top execs make,
289
00:15:25,519 --> 00:15:27,019
and what the rank-and-file do.
290
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,675
{\an8}Y'all out there riding
in damn expensive cars.
291
00:15:30,759 --> 00:15:34,475
{\an8}Y'all can go out,
eat crabs and steak
292
00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:38,116
{\an8}and filet mignon
and escargot and all this shit.
293
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:40,799
{\an8}Meanwhile, y'all workers
are eating ramen noodles.
294
00:15:41,279 --> 00:15:43,156
{\an8}Come on now.
Y'all making millions.
295
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,276
{\an8}Think about it.
I want everybody to think about it.
296
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:49,960
{\an8}Let me know
when did a Dollar General worker
297
00:15:50,279 --> 00:15:53,600
{\an8}make more than 20.000
in a whole year ?
298
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,230
{\an8}Don't worry, I'll wait.
299
00:15:55,679 --> 00:15:58,396
Excellent !
I've never heard a harsher insult
300
00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,440
than simply listing out foods
you assume someone else eats:
301
00:16:01,879 --> 00:16:05,399
"Crabs, steak, filet mignon,
escargot, and all this shit".
302
00:16:05,759 --> 00:16:09,195
She's describing a cartoon
rich person and it's devastating.
303
00:16:09,279 --> 00:16:12,636
I have no doubt that she would
take one look at me and go
304
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,276
"Mushy peas, figgy pudding,
and all that milk".
305
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:16,519
And I'd be wrecked.
306
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,516
And the thing is, she's right
about the numbers there,
307
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,315
the median compensated employee
for Dollar General
308
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:24,120
makes around $18,000 a year.
309
00:16:24,679 --> 00:16:29,396
And a report two years ago found
that 92% of Dollar General's staff
310
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,600
was making less than $15 an hour.
311
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:35,840
That is a higher percentage than
every other company they surveyed.
312
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,315
On top of that,
lawsuits and press reports
313
00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:40,636
have repeatedly
documented Dollar General
314
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:45,236
severely restricting the total hours it
allocates in a week to non-managers,
315
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,870
and then expecting store managers,
who are salaried,
316
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:50,036
to cover the rest without overtime.
317
00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:51,795
And without enough people
to do everything,
318
00:16:51,879 --> 00:16:54,276
from running the register,
to receiving truck deliveries,
319
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,475
to stocking the shelves,
to keeping prices updated,
320
00:16:56,559 --> 00:16:59,919
and cleaning the bathrooms,
things can quickly fall apart.
321
00:17:00,559 --> 00:17:01,955
Watch as this assistant manager
322
00:17:02,039 --> 00:17:04,720
sends up what is basically
an S.O.S. to the company.
323
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,000
Okay, this is a video for help
324
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,809
to anyone inside this company
that actually cares.
325
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:11,990
We are overloaded with freight,
326
00:17:12,039 --> 00:17:13,755
and we don't have enough hours
in the week
327
00:17:13,839 --> 00:17:15,739
or people in the week
to put them away.
328
00:17:15,759 --> 00:17:19,799
We are completely overwhelmed.
The back room is like this.
329
00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:28,356
I can't even get to the cooler,
and I've got a milk delivery outside.
330
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,636
So, hopefully,
it all goes out on the sales floor.
331
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:31,796
I don't fucking know.
332
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,880
Again, this video is for anybody
in the company that cares.
333
00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:36,556
This is Travis Bennett,
334
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,200
the assistant manager
at store 1-1-3-2-0.
335
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,195
It is not good if your employees
336
00:17:42,279 --> 00:17:45,079
are making TikToks
that look like hostage videos.
337
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,275
Because that is not
what TikTok is for.
338
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:50,755
It's for finding out which anime
character strangers would pork,
339
00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:53,400
and seeing what you'd look like
positively snatched.
340
00:17:54,559 --> 00:17:59,195
But the problem with addressing that
to "anybody in the company that cares"
341
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:02,839
is that it sure seems like these
companies do not care at all.
342
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,000
It is hard to overstate
the indifference these chains
343
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,156
can show to their employees'
working conditions.
344
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:12,039
Not just in their stores, but in some
of their distribution centers, too.
345
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,480
You may remember
us showing you video
346
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,796
of rats inside the Family Dollar store
in White Haven
347
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:21,319
and the company's distribution center
in West Memphis, Arkansas.
348
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,640
{\an8}Take another look.
349
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:27,039
{\an8}Federal inspectors say they have found
more than a thousand rodents
350
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,519
{\an8}inside the same
distribution center.
351
00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:32,559
{\an8}My goodness !
352
00:18:33,160 --> 00:18:37,715
Set aside the thousand rodents,
which, I know, is already a big ask,
353
00:18:37,799 --> 00:18:40,799
I just want to take a second
to acknowledge this little diva.
354
00:18:41,319 --> 00:18:44,596
Look at her, not giving two shits
about being fed a Pringle.
355
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:47,435
Other rats would pounce at the sight
of that chip, but not her.
356
00:18:47,519 --> 00:18:51,400
She's giving it a blank look that says
"Honey, not even at my lowest".
357
00:18:52,359 --> 00:18:54,475
She has got standards,
she has got taste,
358
00:18:54,559 --> 00:18:57,440
she is "Ratatouille 2:
Absolute Food Bitch".
359
00:18:59,319 --> 00:19:01,035
But that FDA inspection
360
00:19:01,119 --> 00:19:03,876
not only found that more
than a thousand dead rodents
361
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,316
had been recovered at that
distribution center last year,
362
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,599
but also that the company's
own records
363
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,675
showed that it collected more
than 2,300 rodents there
364
00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:14,596
the spring and summer before,
demonstrating, and I quote
365
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,440
"a history of infestation".
366
00:19:16,759 --> 00:19:17,836
But at that point,
367
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:21,480
it's less an infestation and more
a flourishing community of rats.
368
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,559
Establishing an internal order.
Building out their environment.
369
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,640
Probably exploring the arts.
370
00:19:28,799 --> 00:19:31,035
This was both a massive problem
for Family Dollar
371
00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:33,839
and a genuinely inspiring story
of rodent fortitude.
372
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:35,796
The company wants you to know
373
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,955
that they've since shut down
that distribution center
374
00:19:38,039 --> 00:19:39,715
and are thoroughly remodeling it.
375
00:19:39,799 --> 00:19:43,435
But that's just one example in a
horrifying pattern for dollar stores.
376
00:19:43,519 --> 00:19:47,316
Dollar General also has had
to temporarily close multiple stores
377
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,275
and a distribution
center for rat infestations,
378
00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:53,596
and at one store in Oklahoma,
birds nested in the ceiling
379
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,359
and, I am so serious, started
shitting all over the merchandise.
380
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,556
Not just that, when the staff
told higher-ups in the company,
381
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,715
they say that they were ordered,
not to throw the soiled products out,
382
00:20:03,799 --> 00:20:07,319
but to clean them, in some cases
by bringing them home to wash,
383
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,640
and then return them
to the shelves.
384
00:20:10,079 --> 00:20:13,836
And when that store's manager
asked for help in removing the nests,
385
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,475
he says he got the sense
he was being ignored
386
00:20:15,559 --> 00:20:18,235
because "the birds
weren't stealing anything".
387
00:20:18,319 --> 00:20:22,116
And look, there are plenty of reasons
to kick anyone or anything
388
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,079
out of a store even if they
aren't stealing anything
389
00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:28,559
and number one on that list
is they're pooping everywhere !
390
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,116
I don't care if it's a bird
or a toddler.
391
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,599
The second shit is part
of the equation, they got to go !
392
00:20:35,839 --> 00:20:37,636
Legally, I do have to tell you,
393
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,035
Dollar General
was asked about that bird story,
394
00:20:40,119 --> 00:20:42,876
and its response
was that it takes "prompt action"
395
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,675
when stores make maintenance
or repair requests.
396
00:20:45,759 --> 00:20:49,509
Which, as statements go, sounds to me
a little bit like... what's the word ?
397
00:20:49,519 --> 00:20:51,880
- Caca.
- That's right. Thank you very much.
398
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,275
And if you're thinking
"Okay, I'm convinced,
399
00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:56,396
these stores sound
like a terrible place to work",
400
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:58,079
I'm not nearly done yet.
401
00:20:58,599 --> 00:21:00,755
Some Dollar General employees
have said they are unable
402
00:21:00,839 --> 00:21:02,755
to control the thermostats at stores,
403
00:21:02,839 --> 00:21:06,319
and others say they don't have
functioning heat and cooling systems.
404
00:21:07,319 --> 00:21:09,559
{\an8}The heat would
cause all the candy to melt.
405
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,156
{\an8}And I don't know
if it was negatory on the medications,
406
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,435
{\an8}but I mean I know
they gotta be climate controlled.
407
00:21:15,519 --> 00:21:18,275
{\an8}My assistant manager was sitting in
there with ice packs down her pants
408
00:21:18,359 --> 00:21:21,156
{\an8}and her shirt and a towel 'cause
we were just dripping in sweat.
409
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,200
That's not great !
410
00:21:22,799 --> 00:21:26,356
An ice pack down the pants is not
how you imagine a day at work going.
411
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,240
It is, however,
how I imagine these two freaks fuck.
412
00:21:29,839 --> 00:21:33,755
And when you take all this together,
the heat, the understaffing,
413
00:21:33,839 --> 00:21:36,235
the boxes everywhere meaning
that you can't move around properly,
414
00:21:36,319 --> 00:21:40,279
it is pretty clear these places
aren't just unpleasant, they're unsafe.
415
00:21:40,759 --> 00:21:43,755
Dollar General is on OSHA's
severe violators list,
416
00:21:43,839 --> 00:21:47,636
racking up more than $25 million
in proposed fines since 2017
417
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,515
for alleged violations
spanning dozens of states.
418
00:21:50,599 --> 00:21:53,156
And as for Dollar Tree,
in that same timeframe,
419
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:56,435
OSHA's identified
more than 400 violations in its stores,
420
00:21:56,519 --> 00:21:59,316
imposing more than $13 million
in fines.
421
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:00,435
I have to say,
422
00:22:00,519 --> 00:22:03,035
Dollar Tree recently entered
a settlement with OSHA
423
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:05,955
and claims that it's "implementing
substantial safety policies,
424
00:22:06,039 --> 00:22:10,035
procedures, and training to safeguard
the wellbeing of our associates".
425
00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:13,876
Although you should know, they
had a similar settlement back in 2015
426
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,876
and made similar promises back then,
427
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,920
so at best,
they are a slow learner here.
428
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,195
And there is one last indignity
for dollar store employees,
429
00:22:22,279 --> 00:22:23,876
and that is the threat of violence.
430
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,995
Dollar stores have become
magnets for crime and killing,
431
00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:29,316
with employees at Dollar General
saying they've been "stabbed,
432
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:33,039
shot, held at gunpoint, punched,
and pistol-whipped on the job".
433
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,076
And when a robbery does happen,
434
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,515
the response from corporate
can be less than compassionate.
435
00:22:37,599 --> 00:22:38,836
Remember that worker
436
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,955
talking about how the bosses
were eating filet mignon ?
437
00:22:42,039 --> 00:22:45,079
Here she is talking
about the day her store was robbed.
438
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:49,279
I was robbed at the same Dollar General
where I currently worked.
439
00:22:49,759 --> 00:22:53,240
I picked up my phone
and called 9-1-1.
440
00:22:53,839 --> 00:22:54,995
I locked the door,
441
00:22:55,079 --> 00:22:58,916
I secured the customers,
I followed protocol.
442
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,799
Called our manager,
she showed up.
443
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:04,955
I called our district manager
like two to three times.
444
00:23:05,039 --> 00:23:06,195
She didn't answer.
445
00:23:06,279 --> 00:23:08,279
But when my manager called,
she answered.
446
00:23:08,799 --> 00:23:11,400
The first question was
"Is everybody okay ?"
447
00:23:12,279 --> 00:23:13,640
The second thing she said
448
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,119
"What are we gonna do
about reopening the store ?"
449
00:23:18,759 --> 00:23:23,156
We haven't even been robbed
even doggone ten to 15 minutes
450
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,796
and you're already talking
about opening up the store ?
451
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,119
That is ridiculous.
452
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:31,475
An armed robbery is a traumatic event
people need time to recover from.
453
00:23:31,559 --> 00:23:34,556
It's not something you can just ignore,
like a spam call,
454
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,880
or a broken lightbulb,
or any show on Apple TV.
455
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,836
Did you know Octavia Spencer
starred as a true crime podcaster
456
00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:44,839
on a show called "Truth Be Told"
for three seasons ?
457
00:23:45,319 --> 00:23:48,720
Of course, you didn't ! It's Apple TV,
where celebrities go to hide.
458
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:52,156
While researching this piece,
dollar store workers
459
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,995
repeatedly told us
how they feared for their safety.
460
00:23:55,079 --> 00:23:58,715
And while these companies say that
they take security concerns seriously,
461
00:23:58,799 --> 00:24:01,549
experts have said that the level
of violence may be down
462
00:24:01,559 --> 00:24:03,880
to how these stores are set up
and organized.
463
00:24:04,240 --> 00:24:08,039
Having so few people working there,
with no security guard present,
464
00:24:08,359 --> 00:24:10,755
makes them an incredibly
enticing target.
465
00:24:10,839 --> 00:24:14,839
In Texas, a Dollar General employee
who had a coworker die in her arms
466
00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:18,275
claimed in a lawsuit that her store had
"no lights at the back of the building"
467
00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:20,715
and "cash registers
that didn't have panic buttons",
468
00:24:20,799 --> 00:24:23,596
and that "the sign announcing
a remotely monitored security system
469
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:24,755
was a sham".
470
00:24:24,839 --> 00:24:28,636
At that point they might as well have just
put up one of those inflatable floppy men
471
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:30,520
holding a "Plunder me, babe !" sign.
472
00:24:31,279 --> 00:24:34,475
At almost every turn, dollar
stores seem to treat their workers
473
00:24:34,559 --> 00:24:37,359
with either stunning
indifference or outright contempt.
474
00:24:37,759 --> 00:24:40,715
And some are getting so fed up,
they are walking out,
475
00:24:40,799 --> 00:24:42,249
leading to stories like this.
476
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:46,640
We saw dozens of people trying to go
inside Family Dollar this afternoon,
477
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:50,156
only to find the doors locked
and no one inside.
478
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:54,279
Garfield resident Dodi Byrne went to
Family Dollar on Ted Avenue yesterday
479
00:24:54,599 --> 00:24:59,079
only to find this sign reading
"Staff quit, y'all be easy".
480
00:24:59,519 --> 00:25:02,396
Yeah, and that is not
at all uncommon.
481
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,076
At another Family Dollar
in Nebraska,
482
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:08,400
staff left this sign on the door
"We quit ! Sorry for the inconvenience"
483
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:12,116
And at a Dollar General in Maine,
workers left a series of signs reading
484
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,235
"Closed indefinitely because Dollar
General doesn't pay a living wage
485
00:25:15,319 --> 00:25:16,916
or treat their employees with respect"
486
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,475
and "Capitalism
will destroy this country.
487
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:21,435
If you don't pay people
enough to live their lives,
488
00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:23,475
why should they slave away
for you ?"
489
00:25:23,559 --> 00:25:27,920
All of which is punctuated perfectly
by the excited, "Now hiring !" sign,
490
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:31,680
which really has its work
cut out for it.
491
00:25:32,519 --> 00:25:35,319
And while those workers
are justifiably walking out,
492
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,340
others are choosing to fight back.
493
00:25:37,799 --> 00:25:40,035
Over the past few years
groups like Step Up Louisiana
494
00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:42,235
and the Union of Southern
Service Workers
495
00:25:42,319 --> 00:25:45,316
have staged strikes and protests
against Dollar General.
496
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:49,559
But the company has pushed back hard,
in all the usual union-busting ways.
497
00:25:50,039 --> 00:25:51,916
In Connecticut,
when workers tried to organize,
498
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,116
Dollar General violated federal
law by "firing a pro-union worker,
499
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,435
illegally surveilling
and interrogating employees,
500
00:25:58,519 --> 00:26:00,275
and threatening
to close the store."
501
00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:03,515
They also make all new employees
watch a video
502
00:26:03,599 --> 00:26:06,475
where they shit-talk
the very idea of joining a union,
503
00:26:06,559 --> 00:26:08,920
which one worker filmed,
and posted online.
504
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,955
{\an8}We don't believe that our employees
need a third party or union
505
00:26:13,039 --> 00:26:14,515
{\an8}to come between us and them.
506
00:26:14,599 --> 00:26:16,836
{\an8}Our employees don't need a union
507
00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:19,400
{\an8}to have their voices heard
here at Dollar General.
508
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:23,880
I'm sorry, your employees
are able to get their voices heard ?
509
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,636
Are you sure about that ?
510
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,515
'Cause it seems like the guy pleading
for aid from TikTok strangers
511
00:26:28,599 --> 00:26:30,799
might really beg to differ on that point.
512
00:26:31,319 --> 00:26:32,836
So, what is there to do ?
513
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:37,195
Since 2019, at least 75 communities,
many of them lower income,
514
00:26:37,279 --> 00:26:40,596
have actually blocked proposals
to build new dollar stores.
515
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:44,275
But the truth is, most of these stores
are unlikely to go anywhere.
516
00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:47,319
Remember, in many areas,
they're the only retailer around.
517
00:26:47,799 --> 00:26:50,035
So, much more attention
needs to be paid
518
00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:52,640
to what workers have been
saying and for years now.
519
00:26:53,079 --> 00:26:55,079
Dollar store workers
at Step Up Louisiana
520
00:26:55,079 --> 00:26:58,235
have developed a list of what they
are asking for from these companies,
521
00:26:58,319 --> 00:27:00,596
from things
like having safe staffing levels,
522
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,755
to creating
safe store infrastructure,
523
00:27:02,839 --> 00:27:05,955
to giving workers
a right to heal after violent incidents.
524
00:27:06,039 --> 00:27:08,079
None of which
is really asking much.
525
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,830
And until such time as these companies
actually do these things,
526
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,116
they should, at the very least,
have to be much more transparent
527
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:19,119
when it comes to retail and workplace
experience that they're providing.
528
00:27:22,559 --> 00:27:24,876
Hi there.
Here at Dollar Bucket,
529
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:27,435
whether you're making
a quick fill-in stop
530
00:27:27,519 --> 00:27:29,076
or stocking up for the week,
531
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:33,356
we've got everything you need,
like this roll of toilet paper,
532
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:36,279
or an adorable bar of Irish Spring.
533
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:39,720
Dollar Bucket helps you
save on the things you need,
534
00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:44,920
but also on the special treats
that make life a little more, well, fun.
535
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:49,759
Like this flaccid balloon,
or this bag of Skittle.
536
00:27:50,599 --> 00:27:52,319
- You mean Skittles ?
- Nope.
537
00:27:53,359 --> 00:27:56,279
At Dollar Bucket,
whatever you need, we've got it !
538
00:27:56,799 --> 00:27:57,759
Somewhere.
539
00:27:59,519 --> 00:28:01,079
And always at the right price.
540
00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:05,160
Towels ? A dollar.
Batteries ? A dollar.
541
00:28:05,839 --> 00:28:07,400
This rat ? A dollar !
542
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,640
Gatorade Frost Arctic Blitz ?
A dollar !
543
00:28:11,519 --> 00:28:13,880
This other rat ? A dollar !
544
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,599
That last rat was pregnant,
so that's a twofer.
545
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:21,880
We love helping our customers
save time and money.
546
00:28:22,319 --> 00:28:26,559
That's why over 125,000 people
have joined our team,
547
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,480
and we're growing every day.
548
00:28:29,039 --> 00:28:30,039
I don't work here.
549
00:28:30,359 --> 00:28:32,396
I'm trying to get the milk refrigerated
before it goes bad.
550
00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:33,559
This place is fucked.
551
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,660
You better hurry.
We've got another shipment coming in.
552
00:28:39,039 --> 00:28:42,796
Dollar Bucket's a proud provider
of jobs in our communities.
553
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:46,195
Take Brenda here.
She's our longest-serving employee.
554
00:28:46,279 --> 00:28:48,519
Hey, Brenda.
How long have you been with us ?
555
00:28:49,039 --> 00:28:51,156
I've been here for three weeks.
Okay ? And it's a nightmare.
556
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:55,035
And I've got ice packs in places
only God and my husband should see.
557
00:28:55,119 --> 00:28:58,475
I've been shitting in an adult diaper,
because I can't go to the bathroom.
558
00:28:58,559 --> 00:29:01,920
We've been robbed three times
since lunch, and we still open !
559
00:29:02,359 --> 00:29:07,156
If we closed every time we got robbed,
the store would never be open,
560
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,240
and you would not have a job,
young lady.
561
00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:12,116
I've been here so long,
I don't know what day it is.
562
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:15,755
Keep hearing voices screaming,
"Brenda, can you help me ?"
563
00:29:15,839 --> 00:29:18,289
- Brenda ! Please ! Brenda ?
- Is that the voice ?
564
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:23,636
This is a video for help, to anyone
inside this company that cares.
565
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:27,599
I can't leave the stockroom.
There are too many boxes in the way.
566
00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,440
And also,
the birds won't let me leave.
567
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:33,195
God, Brenda. Oh god.
568
00:29:33,279 --> 00:29:35,479
- Is he okay ?
- What's happening to Travis ?
569
00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:36,680
Doesn't matter.
570
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:43,359
What you don't understand
is that your lives are insignificant.
571
00:29:43,839 --> 00:29:48,400
Your pain is our fuel.
The more you suffer, the better we do.
572
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:52,160
This company
was built on pain, sweat, tears,
573
00:29:52,519 --> 00:29:55,715
and the tiniest
little bars of doll soap
574
00:29:55,799 --> 00:29:58,799
you've ever seen
in your worthless goddamn lives.
575
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,370
Number one, go fuck yourself.
576
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:06,156
I know it ain't happened in a long time
because that suit is tight.
577
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,116
- It happened.
- It did ? When ?
578
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,160
- This morning, Brenda !
- Really ?
579
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:12,796
And you're gonna have to pay
a dollar for that !
580
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:17,319
I'll pay nothing ! 'Cause I quit.
Can you read that ?
581
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:20,916
- I can, it says, "I quit".
- I quit. Buh-bye, bitch.
582
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,000
- Buh-bye bitch !
- Buh-bye !
583
00:30:28,119 --> 00:30:29,119
Good-bye !
584
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:33,880
You want a job ?
We can pay you in rat babies.
585
00:30:34,559 --> 00:30:35,599
How many ?
586
00:30:36,519 --> 00:30:40,640
Dollar Bucket: Giving everyone less,
while we get more.
587
00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:45,596
Moving on. Finally tonight,
588
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:49,839
a quick update on New Zealand,
my absolute favorite Zealand.
589
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:52,116
As you know, two weeks ago,
590
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:55,950
we entered their Bird of the Century
competition on behalf of the Puteketeke
591
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,435
a weird-looking bird with bad hair
and a nervous stomach,
592
00:30:58,519 --> 00:31:00,039
truly, a relatable king.
593
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,195
It also carries its babies on its back,
like it's a pool inflatable.
594
00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:05,796
This is an incredible bird.
595
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:07,715
And we campaigned for it
by, among other things,
596
00:31:07,799 --> 00:31:10,195
flying a banner ad
over the beaches of Ipanema,
597
00:31:10,279 --> 00:31:13,519
and erecting billboards in Mumbai,
Tokyo, and Paris, France,
598
00:31:13,839 --> 00:31:16,759
as well as the Paris of America,
Manitowoc, Wisconsin.
599
00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:20,319
This week,
the results finally came in.
600
00:31:21,079 --> 00:31:23,319
{\an8}Forest & Bird
is proud to announce
601
00:31:23,759 --> 00:31:26,839
{\an8}that New Zealand's
Bird of the Century isŧ
602
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:33,799
the Puteketeke !
603
00:31:40,359 --> 00:31:42,400
John Oliver will be thrilled.
604
00:31:43,839 --> 00:31:47,995
Yes, I am thrilled about it !
Even if you guys clearly aren't !
605
00:31:48,079 --> 00:31:49,955
And I'm also a little bit relieved.
606
00:31:50,039 --> 00:31:53,156
Because we have a pretty horrendous
record when it comes to contests.
607
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:55,195
We entered
a duck stamp competition
608
00:31:55,279 --> 00:31:58,879
with a bunch of paintings that either
got disqualified or got zero votes.
609
00:31:59,119 --> 00:32:02,435
And we entered a contest to predict
when this giant wooden tripod
610
00:32:02,519 --> 00:32:06,319
would break through the ice of a frozen
Alaskan river and we were wildly off.
611
00:32:06,359 --> 00:32:08,195
So we really needed this win.
612
00:32:08,279 --> 00:32:11,916
And just to be clear,
we didn't just win this by a little.
613
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,559
We won it by a lot.
614
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:17,559
The billboard in Mumbai,
the plane in Brazil,
615
00:32:18,119 --> 00:32:21,160
and this costume all paid off.
616
00:32:21,519 --> 00:32:23,000
And it wasn't even close.
617
00:32:23,319 --> 00:32:25,955
This shows the amount of voters
the runners-up got
618
00:32:26,039 --> 00:32:28,556
from the Fantail and 7,800
619
00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:31,920
to the second-placed Kiwi
at just 13,000.
620
00:32:32,359 --> 00:32:38,400
But the Puteketeke soared to victory
with more than 290,000 votes.
621
00:32:39,119 --> 00:32:44,076
Yes, it's true, 290,000 votes !
622
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:48,556
For context, the Puteketeke got over
three times as many votes by itself
623
00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:51,279
as all the other top
ten birds combined.
624
00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,435
When you talk about historic,
all-time levels of dominance,
625
00:32:54,519 --> 00:32:56,755
the conversation now begins
and ends with Michael Jordan,
626
00:32:56,839 --> 00:33:00,000
Lionel Messi, Serena Williams,
and the Puteketeke.
627
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,836
Those are now the GOATs.
The best to ever do it.
628
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:04,480
No one else even comes close.
629
00:33:05,119 --> 00:33:09,039
Apparently, verified votes
were cast in 195 countries,
630
00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:13,039
that is two more than the current
membership of the United Nations.
631
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:16,690
I will say, there was some voter
fraud that was thankfully caught,
632
00:33:16,839 --> 00:33:20,920
including 40,000 votes cast by a single
person for the Rockhopper Penguin.
633
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:23,556
And come on.
This Rockhopper Penguin ?
634
00:33:23,640 --> 00:33:25,675
You committed bird election fraud
635
00:33:25,759 --> 00:33:28,839
for the only penguin in the animal
kingdom with frosted tips ?
636
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:32,156
I could see doing it
for the Royal Spoonbill,
637
00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:35,319
that's a quality bird,
but not one of these altpunk assholes.
638
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,876
Also, apparently,
45 valid votes were cast by people
639
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:43,235
giving the name John Oliver,
all for the Puteketeke, except one,
640
00:33:43,319 --> 00:33:47,359
which was for the New Zealand Fairy
Tern, a bird that looks like this.
641
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:51,070
I don't know what you're talking about.
I think he's pulling it off.
642
00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:55,836
Everything about the way New Zealand
handled this contest was perfect.
643
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:59,356
Other birds conceded this week
in a variety of delightful ways.
644
00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:02,515
The team behind the Takahe
posted this "Anchorman" meme
645
00:34:02,599 --> 00:34:05,556
of their bird saying
"Well, that was unexpected".
646
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:07,076
Which isn't quite right.
647
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:10,115
The line from the movie is
"Boy, that escalated quickly".
648
00:34:10,199 --> 00:34:12,475
And frankly, it's that kind
of lack of attention to detail
649
00:34:12,559 --> 00:34:15,880
that might explain why the Takahe
lost this contest so badly.
650
00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:19,475
Meanwhile, campaigners
for the Kaki posted this video
651
00:34:19,559 --> 00:34:22,035
of their birds
surrounding a picture of me,
652
00:34:22,119 --> 00:34:24,199
and then pecking at it
on the ground.
653
00:34:25,199 --> 00:34:28,356
But my favorite response
came from the New Zealand Breakers,
654
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:29,716
a professional basketball team,
655
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:32,035
whose mascot was campaigning
for the Kea Parrot.
656
00:34:32,119 --> 00:34:34,316
They delivered a concession speech
on Wednesday
657
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:36,519
that really met
the gravity of the moment.
658
00:34:37,119 --> 00:34:41,239
{\an8}I'd like to just read a statement
if I could from Cheeky the Kea.
659
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:44,039
He's not able to speak today.
660
00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:47,075
Over the last week,
661
00:34:47,159 --> 00:34:49,676
I have been spearheading
an election campaign
662
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:51,360
for Kea as Bird of the Century.
663
00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:55,189
This morning, it has been necessary
to concede this election
664
00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:58,190
and whilst it's not the result
the Kea community wanted,
665
00:34:58,639 --> 00:35:02,079
it is now important
that we all get behind the Puteketeke.
666
00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:04,559
That is magnificent.
667
00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:08,435
From the fact that someone had to
set up the step-and-repeat backdrop
668
00:35:08,519 --> 00:35:11,276
and invite journalists to this
very important press conference,
669
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:13,876
to the line
"He's not able to speak today",
670
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,060
as if the Kea
is normally a real chatterbox
671
00:35:16,079 --> 00:35:18,119
but is too broken
to comment right now,
672
00:35:18,559 --> 00:35:20,676
to the reverent tone
the she's employing there,
673
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:23,676
as if she's genuinely worried there's
a chance of rioting in the streets
674
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:26,595
over this result unless
she can calm everyone down.
675
00:35:26,679 --> 00:35:29,836
Now, this contest is overseen
by the conservation organization
676
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:34,995
Forest & Bird to raise awareness
of New Zealand's magnificent wildlife,
677
00:35:35,079 --> 00:35:36,756
and raise money to protect it.
678
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:37,916
I'm happy to say
679
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,356
they got hundreds of thousands
of dollars in donations this year.
680
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:44,635
If you want to keep supporting them,
you can give to them directly,
681
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:47,196
or there's another option,
because they've been partnering
682
00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:50,555
with a company to produce metal
sculptures of the winning bird,
683
00:35:50,639 --> 00:35:53,939
with a portion of the proceeds
going to their conservation efforts.
684
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:57,196
Here is last year's sculpture
of the triumphant Rock Wren.
685
00:35:57,280 --> 00:36:00,276
Would you like to see the sculpture
they've made for this year's winner ?
686
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:03,756
'Cause here it is !
A magnificent Puteketeke,
687
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:08,280
with, as you can see, me riding
on its back like one of its babies.
688
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:12,396
And, as the website points out
with a helpful animation,
689
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:15,880
the John Oliver part can be removed
if you so choose.
690
00:36:16,599 --> 00:36:19,639
Which is magnificent.
Would that we all had that option.
691
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:22,475
If you want one,
with or without me on it,
692
00:36:22,559 --> 00:36:25,836
you can order a sculpture
at this website right here.
693
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:29,276
{\an8}We actually have one for each
member of our studio audience tonight.
694
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:30,595
{\an8}That is right !
695
00:36:30,679 --> 00:36:33,916
{\an8}You get a bird statue
with a removable John Oliver option !
696
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:36,396
{\an8}You get a bird statue
with a removable John Oliver option !
697
00:36:36,480 --> 00:36:40,440
{\an8}Everybody gets a bird statue
with a removable John Oliver option !
698
00:36:42,599 --> 00:36:45,320
This has been tremendous fun.
699
00:36:45,719 --> 00:36:49,239
And there is really only one more thing
for us to do right now.
700
00:36:49,639 --> 00:36:51,989
Because we've seen
a gracious concession speech,
701
00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:53,995
and that is important
in a democracy.
702
00:36:54,079 --> 00:36:57,196
But now it's time for a victory
speech from the worthy winner.
703
00:36:57,280 --> 00:36:59,480
So please, won't you join me ?
704
00:37:00,639 --> 00:37:02,400
BIRD OF THE CENTURY
705
00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:10,480
Ladies and gentlemen,
706
00:37:11,519 --> 00:37:14,836
on behalf of myself and New
Zealand's new Bird of the Century,
707
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:16,880
I want to thank
everyone who voted.
708
00:37:17,199 --> 00:37:19,995
When we first decided to campaign
for the Puteketeke,
709
00:37:20,079 --> 00:37:22,155
having randomly stumbled across it
after googling
710
00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:24,039
"New Zealand bird weird"
711
00:37:24,519 --> 00:37:27,800
we never could have anticipated
the outpouring of support.
712
00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:31,595
So, tonight isn't just
the Puteketeke's victory,
713
00:37:31,679 --> 00:37:34,995
it's your victory,
as this election represents
714
00:37:35,079 --> 00:37:39,840
the collective wishes of good,
birdloving people from 195 countries.
715
00:37:41,079 --> 00:37:44,519
I'd like to thank our worthy opponents
who graciously conceded.
716
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,440
The Kiwi. The Takahe. The Kea.
717
00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:50,000
And yes,
even the Rockhopper Penguin.
718
00:37:50,599 --> 00:37:54,435
Thank you, birds, for your generosity,
but also know that you will die
719
00:37:54,519 --> 00:37:57,159
in the century
that wears the Puteketeke's name.
720
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,400
And finally, I'd like
to thank the Puteketeke itself.
721
00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:05,635
Poot, my old friend,
none of this would have been possible
722
00:38:05,719 --> 00:38:08,236
without your Sid Viciousesque
hairstyle,
723
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:11,995
your feather-bone puking,
or just how weird you are at sex.
724
00:38:12,079 --> 00:38:15,796
You are a deeply odd bird,
and at the end of the day,
725
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,079
I think that's
what people responded to.
726
00:38:18,519 --> 00:38:21,400
That, and just how fun
it is to say your name.
727
00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:26,719
So, let me say this loud and proud
once more: Puteketeke today.
728
00:38:27,559 --> 00:38:32,159
Puteketeke tomorrow.
Puteketeke for the next 100 years.
729
00:38:32,599 --> 00:38:35,760
We did it ! We did it !
730
00:38:36,559 --> 00:38:39,155
That is our show,
thank you so much for watching,
731
00:38:39,239 --> 00:38:42,280
we're off next week,
back December 3rd, good night !
732
00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:46,119
Puteketeke !
733
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:23,679
{\an8}God, look at us !
Aren't we a pair ?
66680
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