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Welcome to "Last Week Tonight" !
I'm John Oliver.
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Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.
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Israel continued to reject calls
for even a humanitarian pause
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until its hostages are returned,
while its relentless bombing of Gaza
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hit both a refugee camp
and an ambulance.
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Meanwhile, here in the U.S.,
Sam Bankman-Fried
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00:00:48,439 --> 00:00:51,035
was found guilty on seven counts
of fraud and conspiracy,
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and Ron DeSantis continued
to be dogged by allegations
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that he wears lifts in his boots,
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00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,315
something that prompted
this actual Politico headline,
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"3 Expert Shoemakers
Say Ron DeSantis
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00:01:01,799 --> 00:01:03,920
Is Probably Wearing
Height Boosters",
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00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,116
and Donald Trump
to share an image captioned,
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"Tell me he's not wearing
hidden heels."
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This week, DeSantis responded
to that with his trademark wit.
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{\an8}I know Donald Trump
and a lot of his people
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{\an8}have been focusing
on things like footwear.
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{\an8}I'll tell you this !
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{\an8}If Donald Trump can summon
the balls to show up to the debate,
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{\an8}I'll wear a boot on my head.
This is a time for substance.
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What ? Okay, first, you can't claim
it's a time for substance
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just after promising
to wear a boot on your head.
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But second,
you're so bad at this.
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Even if you weren't running against
one of the world's greatest bullies,
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it looks so pathetic that you thought
that was a good comeback.
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Never before
has a politician had such
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"kid with the rolling backpack
wearing a tie to class" energy.
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There'll be plenty of time to talk
about the 2024 elections, in 2024.
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But we're gonna dive
straight into our main story tonight,
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which concerns the elections happening
around the country in two days.
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There is the usual barrage of negative
campaign ads happening right now,
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perhaps none more memorable than
this one, in a Pennsylvania DA race.
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You've seen those motivational signs
people have in their offices ?
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Matt Dugan's office
had a sign, too.
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As reported by a KDKA announcer,
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{\an8}it reads: "f... the police".
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That is a striking ad.
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Dugan has pushed back on that,
saying that's not actually his office,
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it belonged to a different attorney.
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But, if so, I now want to know
everything about them instead,
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because they have to be
the only person in the world
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who has a "fuck the police"
sign next to a bobblehead
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of what appears
to be James Madison.
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That is next to a statue of Audrey II
from "Little Shop of Horrors",
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which in turn is next to a bobblehead
of Teddy Roosevelt.
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Those are not usually
shared interests.
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That fascinating individual
contains multitudes.
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But while some local races
are understandably focused
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on "live, laugh,
fuck the police" office signage,
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00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,756
many others will be focused
on reproductive rights.
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Abortion is a huge issue
in the Kentucky governor's race,
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and the race to control
Virginia's State Senate.
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And in Ohio,
there's an amendment on the ballot
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to enshrine the right to abortion
in the state constitution.
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So, tonight,
let's talk about abortion.
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As you know, 16 months ago,
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the Supreme Court's Dobbs decision
overturned Roe v. Wade.
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And since then,
it may've been tempting,
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especially if you live in a state
unimpacted by the Dobbs ruling,
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to avoid watching
the fallout from it too closely,
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knowing how depressing
it would be.
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And I'll be honest,
things are bleak.
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But it's important
to understand exactly how bleak.
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Currently, 14 states have enacted
near total abortion bans,
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and two have imposed
six-week limits.
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And those bans have prompted
many to desperately try
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to maintain abortion access
for those who need it,
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and sometimes
in truly imaginative ways.
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A California doctor is proposing
a floating abortion clinic
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as a way to bypass laws in some states
that are restricting the procedure.
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She says the clinic would operate
on a boat floating in federal waters
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just off the Gulf of Mexico,
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so technically making it out of reach
to any state laws here.
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Lawless territory,
no rules, anything goes.
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It's not only a foolproof plan,
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it's also the literal premise
for the movie "Money Plane".
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No, you didn't hallucinate
that during peak Covid.
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There really was a film about
a casino in the sky full of thieves,
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cartels, and arms dealers,
who can never be arrested
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because the money plane is always
moving in international airspace.
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If you haven't seen it, you should
stop watching this show right now,
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and go watch that instead.
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If you pop an edible immediately,
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it should start to kick in right around
when you meet the film's villain,
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Darius Emmanuel Grouch III,
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AKA "The Rumble",
played by Kelsey Grammer,
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and he explains
the money plane like this.
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Whatever you want to wager on,
the money plane has you covered.
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You wanna bet on a dude fucking
an alligator ? Money plane.
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Yes. Fucking yes !
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That movie is real. It is the
"Frasier" reboot that we deserved.
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Anyway, back to abortion.
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The Dobbs decision caused
immediate confusion and panic.
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Especially in states that had
"trigger laws" already on the books,
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which kicked in
almost immediately,
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causing chaos for both patients
and abortion providers.
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{\an8}As soon as we heard the decision,
we closed everything down,
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{\an8}leaving over 70 women
in Wisconsin
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{\an8}with appointments
that we weren't able to do for them.
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{\an8}I remember asking
"When is the law gonna change ?
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{\an8}How much time
do we have to get ready for it ?"
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{\an8}and they started to text back and say
"The law has changed right now".
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{\an8}We called patients, it's, like
"I'm already on my way".
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{\an8}And they thought
"I'm on my way. It'll be okay".
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{\an8}And it's, like, no, it's immediate.
It's immediate.
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Someone canceling plans
when you're already on your way
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is annoying in any circumstance,
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but it is different
when that plan is an abortion.
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If dinner plans fall through,
that is a bummer,
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but it won't end with something
"Alien"-ing out of your body.
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Unless, that is, you reschedule
that dinner to Long John Silver's.
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Now, thankfully, abortion
remains legal in many states,
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so at least theoretically,
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someone needing one can travel
to one of those states instead.
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But as this doctor points out,
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in practice,
that can be incredibly difficult.
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We have such inequality
that, for some, it's as easy as
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"Okay, let's take a weekend trip
to Colorado to get your abortion".
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{\an8}And for someone else, it's a
completely life-altering thing
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{\an8}that you have no control over,
and you're forced to give birth.
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The trajectory of those two people's
lives are completely different.
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It's true. For many, traveling
across state lines isn't feasible,
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even before you consider that
in states where abortion remains legal,
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it is not like they've had
a sudden surge in providers
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to handle out-of-state patients.
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So, there are now
significant backlogs,
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meaning that "women
who travel to another state
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may have more difficulty
getting appointments,"
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and "it may even become
hard for those living in some states
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where it remains legal."
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Which clearly isn't great !
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Abortion isn't one of those things that
you can keep putting off indefinitely,
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like taking up pottery
or figuring out who these guys are
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and why they're like that.
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I say this with zero malice.
They seem very wholesome.
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I just don't really understand
what their whole deal is.
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I am gonna get around to it,
but to be honest, it's not a priority.
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And some are resorting
to drastic measures.
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Listen to this woman,
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who did manage to get across state
lines to New Mexico for an abortion,
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describe what's happened
to her friends who weren't able to.
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What would you have done if you
couldn't come to New Mexico ?
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God, who knows ?
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'Cause I was already
asking people like,
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"What could I do ?"
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I've known some women to just
kind of take it into their own hands
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and do their own abortion.
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I had a friend tell me
she drank a cap of bleach.
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I had another woman tell me,
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"Girl, just take a whole bunch
of vitamin C."
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Listen, there are a lot
of very good secret tips
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that women rightly share
with each other,
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"bananas are good for cramps",
"lipstick works as blush in a pinch"
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or "block Coach Brett
from your Instagram stories".
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But "drink bleach or vitamin C
to end a pregnancy" isn't one of them.
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And unfortunately,
dangerous measures like those
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may now become more common,
as antiabortion activists
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have no intention of stopping
their push for restrictions.
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For example, they're also going
after medication abortions,
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which are estimated
to make up half of all abortions.
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A lawsuit to revoke the FDA's
approval of mifepristone,
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one of two key drugs
in medication abortions,
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is currently working its way
through the courts.
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And if that were to succeed,
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it wouldn't just impact states
with abortion bans,
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it would affect access
across the entire country.
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So, abortion law in America
is currently a complete clusterfuck,
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with many confused, and others
considering drinking bleach.
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And yet, the people
who wrote and passed these laws,
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like this Texas state legislator,
will insist that it's all worth it,
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based on who, precisely
and exclusively, they protect.
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Thousands and thousands
and thousands of people
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who would have chosen to have an
abortion now don't have that choice.
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- That's right.
- What do you say to those people ?
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{\an8}Those are thousands and thousands
of little babies that are now alive.
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We are a very safe place
for little babies.
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What about women ?
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We are very safe space for little,
for women as well.
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You nearly said the quiet part
out loud there, didn't you ?
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It's a pretty sad state of affairs
when "but what about women ?"
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genuinely counts
as a gotcha question.
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Because for the record,
abortion bans are, objectively,
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not safe for women, and can needlessly
put them through absolute hell.
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Take what happened
to this woman in Texas,
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whose ultrasound not only revealed
no chance of survival for the fetus
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but also potentially
life-threatening complications for her.
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{\an8}Kailee's doctor was clear.
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{\an8}When he's born,
he's going to suffocate to death.
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{\an8}He may live for a few minutes,
he may live for an hour,
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{\an8}but he is going to die.
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{\an8}Her doctors said they
could not perform an abortion,
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{\an8}noting in her records "termination
is not legal in the state of Texas".
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{\an8}How could you be so cruel
as to pass a law
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{\an8}that you know will hurt women
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00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:17,159
{\an8}and that you know will cause
babies to be born in pain ?
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{\an8}He was going to die
a painful death.
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00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,675
{\an8}How is that humane ?
How is that saving anybody ?
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00:10:23,759 --> 00:10:25,715
{\an8}They desperately want
to have another baby,
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00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:28,999
{\an8}but there's a high likelihood
that something will go wrong again.
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00:10:29,159 --> 00:10:30,799
{\an8}The last time I saw my OB,
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{\an8}she said "Do not get pregnant
in Texas right now".
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That is not only devastating,
it is a truly horrible thing
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to have to add to the list of things
that pregnant women are not safe to do.
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So, it's now, officially:
ride a rollercoaster, eat sushi,
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dye your roots,
and simply exist in the state of Texas.
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Medical professionals are finding
themselves caught in the middle
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between trying to do what they know
is medically right for their patients
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while also not running afoul of the law
or having their license revoked.
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One doctor said that her colleagues
were so unsure
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00:11:01,679 --> 00:11:04,516
of whether or not they could
legally recommend their patients
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seek abortions elsewhere
that they resorted to saying things
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like "The weather's really nice
in New Mexico right now.
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00:11:10,399 --> 00:11:11,835
You should check it out."
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00:11:11,919 --> 00:11:15,469
Or, "I've heard traveling to Colorado
is really nice this time of year".
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00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:19,595
Which isn't just absurd, I'm not
even sure those are effective hints.
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00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,715
New Mexico and Colorado
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are two of the most objectively
beautiful states in the nation.
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00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:27,715
That could be
a nice vacation tip.
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00:11:27,799 --> 00:11:31,315
If the doctors were recommending
visiting Newark, New Jersey,
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00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:34,356
or saying, "I've heard Buffalo's
nice this time of year",
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00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,799
then sure, you'd know something
else was clearly being communicated.
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While you might think that doctors
facing emergency situations
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should take it upon themselves
to quietly perform abortions anyway,
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00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,960
as this OB-GYN points out,
it's just not that simple.
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{\an8}Some people say
"Doctors should just do it.
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00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,356
{\an8}You should just go take that patient
to the OR and do that abortion."
227
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,075
I don't know of any doctor who
does an abortion just by themselves.
228
00:11:58,159 --> 00:12:00,835
It requires an anesthesia team,
a nursing team,
229
00:12:00,919 --> 00:12:03,156
supervising team
to get you into the OR.
230
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,636
So, in order for somebody
231
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:07,475
to agree with me as I want
to take that patient to the OR,
232
00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:09,795
there's lots of other people
who are going to weigh in, too,
233
00:12:09,879 --> 00:12:13,595
and be scared and say "No, we have
to wait for legal to sign off".
234
00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:15,029
And that's when people die.
235
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,480
Holy shit.
236
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,516
"We have to wait
for legal to sign off"
237
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,276
is not something you want to hear
before receiving urgent medical care.
238
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:24,835
That is something that we say
239
00:12:24,919 --> 00:12:27,916
when we want to show
this photo while saying the sentence
240
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,356
"Sex crimes are bad"
241
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:33,396
or playfully accuse a coal baron
of being the Zodiac Killer.
242
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:34,756
I shouldn't joke about that, though.
243
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,916
I'm sure Bob Murray is probably a lot
more sympathetic to black lung victims
244
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,559
now that he is burning in hell.
245
00:12:39,879 --> 00:12:43,675
But the larger point remains
that even if you do have
246
00:12:43,759 --> 00:12:46,156
one doctor willing to break the law
and assume the risks,
247
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,276
you still might
not have a whole team.
248
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:52,675
Abortions are like improv. Everyone
involved has to be fully on board.
249
00:12:52,759 --> 00:12:55,356
And if just one person
doesn't commit, it's over.
250
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,876
Also, even when it goes well,
you're like "Okay. That was fine.
251
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,010
Can I go home now ? Please don't
make me come back next week".
252
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:05,636
And the crushing thing is, that doctor
isn't even being overly cautious there.
253
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,195
Because while these laws
do have exceptions
254
00:13:08,279 --> 00:13:10,636
in instances where the life
of the mother is in danger,
255
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,276
there's a huge difference
256
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,516
between "life of the mother"
and "health of the mother".
257
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,356
All of these states
have near-total abortion bans
258
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:22,156
that do not make exceptions
considering the health of the mother.
259
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,876
But even in states
that do have those exceptions,
260
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,876
they're often written
so vaguely or narrowly
261
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,435
that doctors can be unsure
how to apply them.
262
00:13:29,519 --> 00:13:30,675
Take Texas again,
263
00:13:30,759 --> 00:13:35,356
where the health exceptions only apply
for a few highly specific conditions.
264
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,490
So, for everyone else,
doctors are now waiting until a patient
265
00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:41,320
is at actual risk
of imminent death to intervene.
266
00:13:41,919 --> 00:13:43,955
Listen to this woman describe
what she went through
267
00:13:44,039 --> 00:13:47,240
after a fatal fetal condition
was diagnosed during her pregnancy.
268
00:13:47,879 --> 00:13:50,516
{\an8}I had to wait
until one of three things happened.
269
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:54,036
{\an8}Either her heart stopped beating,
I went into labor naturally,
270
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:57,955
or I became so sick
that my life was in danger.
271
00:13:58,039 --> 00:14:00,396
And at that point,
because of the laws,
272
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,380
the doctors
would be able to induce me,
273
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,240
and we could begin
the delivery process.
274
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,516
I was first diagnosed
on Tuesday,
275
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:12,996
and it took until Friday
for one of those three things to occur.
276
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:17,036
And for me, what happened was,
I got really sick, really fast.
277
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:20,156
{\an8}Obviously,
we live in the middle of Texas,
278
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,595
{\an8}which is a giant state.
279
00:14:21,679 --> 00:14:25,555
{\an8}So, to get out of Texas,
and to get to a neighboring state
280
00:14:25,639 --> 00:14:27,075
{\an8}where we could
have gotten healthcare,
281
00:14:27,159 --> 00:14:31,879
{\an8}we would've either had to drive
at least eight hours or fly somewhere.
282
00:14:32,519 --> 00:14:36,036
So we are all perfectly clear,
when we say that these laws
283
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:38,435
take away people's right
to control their own body,
284
00:14:38,519 --> 00:14:40,475
this is what we're talking about.
285
00:14:40,559 --> 00:14:42,315
She had to wait
from Tuesday to Friday
286
00:14:42,399 --> 00:14:44,799
to get close enough
to dying to be saved.
287
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,876
Preemptively choosing to save her
own life was illegal in her state.
288
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:53,080
A state that this man says
is safe for little, sorry, for women.
289
00:14:54,039 --> 00:14:55,516
When you take all of this
into account,
290
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,595
it's no wonder that women
in states with abortion bans
291
00:14:57,679 --> 00:15:00,835
are nearly three times more likely
to die during pregnancy,
292
00:15:00,919 --> 00:15:02,475
childbirth, or soon after.
293
00:15:02,559 --> 00:15:04,795
And this is only exacerbated
for people of color,
294
00:15:04,879 --> 00:15:06,955
who already
faced significant disparities
295
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:10,080
in maternal and infant health
before the Dobbs decision.
296
00:15:10,399 --> 00:15:13,475
And at this point, let's
talk about who is making these laws.
297
00:15:13,559 --> 00:15:15,636
Because the rhetoric
around the Dobbs decision
298
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,156
was that it simply "returned decisions
on abortion to the states".
299
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,036
Which is a very nice way
of saying
300
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,475
it removed decisions
from individuals and their doctors
301
00:15:24,559 --> 00:15:27,399
and placed them
in the hands of state legislators.
302
00:15:27,919 --> 00:15:30,116
And those politicians
are now legislating medicine
303
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,036
without even a modicum
of medical understanding.
304
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,835
Which is understandably
incredibly frustrating
305
00:15:35,919 --> 00:15:37,480
for people like this OB-GYN.
306
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:42,039
There's the feeling
that your expertise... no one cares.
307
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,240
No one cares.
308
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,116
Went to school
for 12 years of my life,
309
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,799
done this for 33 years,
310
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,595
but that guy
from down south in Oklahoma
311
00:15:52,679 --> 00:15:55,279
whose never picked up
a medical textbook in his life,
312
00:15:55,279 --> 00:15:56,559
he knows all about it.
313
00:15:57,039 --> 00:16:01,720
You definitely feel no one cares
what you think as an expert.
314
00:16:02,519 --> 00:16:04,595
Right. And honestly,
I would give literally anything
315
00:16:04,679 --> 00:16:08,435
for legislators in Oklahoma to have to
explain their reasoning to this doctor,
316
00:16:08,519 --> 00:16:11,675
who laughs like a woman
who has spent 45 years of her life
317
00:16:11,759 --> 00:16:15,559
smiling on the outside and saying
"go fuck yourself" on the inside.
318
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,919
Which sounds like the title of a guide
to being a woman in America.
319
00:16:20,559 --> 00:16:24,396
It is not just that those pushing
these laws are non-experts,
320
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,430
they're also
overwhelmingly being pushed
321
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,440
by people
who can't get pregnant, either.
322
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,435
When it comes
to those so-called "trigger laws"
323
00:16:30,519 --> 00:16:32,916
that banned abortion
so quickly after Dobbs,
324
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,636
84% of the lawmakers
who sponsored them were men,
325
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,715
and look, clearly,
they are the key problem here.
326
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:44,315
But let's also take a second for the
16% of lawmakers who were women.
327
00:16:44,399 --> 00:16:47,356
Because if you are a woman voting
against abortion access, you are,
328
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,940
and this is the meanest thing that
this voice is allowed to say to you,
329
00:16:51,159 --> 00:16:52,240
not a girl's girl.
330
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:59,116
Some of those male legislators truly
did not know what they were doing,
331
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,916
and that's by their own admission.
332
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,556
This Idaho Republican voted for
an extremely restrictive abortion ban
333
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:08,116
and has since had second thoughts
about how broad it actually is.
334
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,596
But listen to him explain
335
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,530
just how little thought
he put into his original decision.
336
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,720
{\an8}It really wasn't up high
on my radar...
337
00:17:17,559 --> 00:17:20,000
I'm a pro-life guy,
and I ran that way,
338
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,599
{\an8}but I didn't see it as it had a real,
having a real big community impact.
339
00:17:25,039 --> 00:17:27,515
Then he started talking
with local doctors.
340
00:17:27,599 --> 00:17:30,759
What I'm wondering is,
did you think about abortion
341
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,200
as it relates to obstetric care
for pregnant women ?
342
00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:40,396
No, I don't think I...
It's like anything.
343
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:43,235
You get exposed to something,
all of a sudden,
344
00:17:43,319 --> 00:17:45,669
you go, there's a different way
to look at this.
345
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,515
Part of me wants to welcome
that man's ability
346
00:17:51,599 --> 00:17:53,499
to recognize
his own blind spots there.
347
00:17:53,519 --> 00:17:55,596
But are you really saying
that you didn't think
348
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,955
about how your vote would affect
literally half of your constituents ?
349
00:17:59,039 --> 00:18:02,556
You're a fucking legislator.
That's not a cute little oopsie.
350
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,740
It's not like joking
that Timothee Chalamet
351
00:18:04,759 --> 00:18:07,955
could play a young Willy Wonka
and the studio immediately greenlit it
352
00:18:08,039 --> 00:18:10,789
and now you have to figure out
what the fuck that means.
353
00:18:11,319 --> 00:18:15,396
That is a dereliction of duty.
So, what do we do now ?
354
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,396
First, do feel free to scream,
into a pillow,
355
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,876
when you're on the bus,
on the kiss cam at a basketball game.
356
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,876
There is no inappropriate time
to be screaming about this.
357
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,755
But also,
know that we can also still act here.
358
00:18:27,839 --> 00:18:30,836
Some have taken some small steps
in the last year that are,
359
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,119
if nothing else,
immensely satisfying,
360
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,340
like this one, that was covered
by a Catholic news network.
361
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:38,799
{\an8}An international group
named after Satan
362
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:43,319
{\an8}will soon open its first abortion
business in the United States.
363
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:47,519
{\an8}The Satanic Temple, which claims
to "not believe in a literal Satan",
364
00:18:47,839 --> 00:18:51,715
{\an8}will provide telehealth screenings
and prescribe abortion pills
365
00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:53,556
{\an8}for patients in New Mexico.
366
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:55,715
{\an8}The name of the soon-to-be facility ?
367
00:18:55,799 --> 00:18:59,480
{\an8}The Samuel Alito's Mom's
Satanic Abortion Clinic.
368
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,000
Incredible !
369
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:03,599
Very well played.
370
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:07,435
Is that gonna fix everything ?
No, of course, it isn't.
371
00:19:07,519 --> 00:19:10,156
But when it comes to responding
to such wide-spreading devastation,
372
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:14,519
you could do a lot worse than
the single best "your mom" joke.
373
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,636
Especially when you add in that
one of the group's co-founders
374
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:21,680
even said, "In 1950, Samuel Alito's
mother did not have options,
375
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,680
and look what happened".
376
00:19:24,839 --> 00:19:27,876
But the most important thing
for you to do right now is,
377
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:31,319
and I apologize in advance
for even saying this, to vote.
378
00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:34,836
Abortion rights are,
for all the attacks on them,
379
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,515
still widely popular.
380
00:19:36,599 --> 00:19:40,195
Six states have had abortion-related
measures on the ballot since Dobbs.
381
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:43,955
And in all six, "voters
preserved access to abortion".
382
00:19:44,039 --> 00:19:48,079
That was even true in red states
like Montana, Kansas, and Kentucky.
383
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,076
This is genuinely a case
384
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:53,079
where voting can have
an immediate and lasting effect.
385
00:19:53,559 --> 00:19:57,076
And to that end, there are some
important elections on Tuesday
386
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,515
where it's gonna be crucial
to continue that streak.
387
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:02,275
If you live in Virginia,
Democrats lost the House
388
00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:05,799
and governor's seat in 2021,
but still control the State Senate.
389
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,836
And only because of that
were they able, earlier this year,
390
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,670
to stop three bills that would
have restricted abortion.
391
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:14,916
But if they lose the Senate next
week, that will clearly change.
392
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,475
Meanwhile, in Kentucky, the incumbent
governor, Andy Beshear,
393
00:20:17,559 --> 00:20:20,356
is being challenged
by conservative AG Daniel Cameron,
394
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,636
who you remember from his disastrous
handling of the Breonna Taylor case.
395
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,556
He has also said in a questionnaire
circulated by an anti-abortion group
396
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,515
that he'd support codifying personhood
from the moment of fertilization,
397
00:20:31,599 --> 00:20:34,596
and "criminalizing providers
who perform abortions".
398
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,235
While all that is obviously terrible,
399
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:40,799
how exactly does he intend to enforce
life beginning at fertilization ?
400
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,000
Does everyone now
have to fuck in front of him ?
401
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,319
No, thank you very much, Daniel !
402
00:20:46,759 --> 00:20:49,876
The only Kentuckian who should enjoy
that privilege is the Colonel.
403
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,836
And no, not that one,
I'm talking about the Reba Colonel.
404
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,275
There you go.
405
00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:56,356
Sir, madam, NB icon:
406
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,740
it would be an honor and a privilege
to fornicate in your presence.
407
00:21:00,039 --> 00:21:03,076
And finally, if you live in Ohio,
a ballot measure on Tuesday
408
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,356
would enshrine a right to abortion
in your state's constitution.
409
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,796
It is a measure that is currently
being targeted by its opponents
410
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,559
in some wildly misleading
campaign ads.
411
00:21:12,079 --> 00:21:14,515
The abortion industry's
proposed amendment
412
00:21:14,599 --> 00:21:16,519
would allow
no-limit abortions in Ohio,
413
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,640
abortions when the baby
can feel pain, excruciating pain.
414
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,119
On top of that,
the same radical groups
415
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,430
want to tear at the fabric
that holds our families together,
416
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:36,079
allow our children to get abortions
without our consent,
417
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:38,799
and remove all protections
for the unborn.
418
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,839
As parents,
it's our worst nightmare.
419
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:45,116
That ad's argument is basically,
420
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,916
"abortion rights are an assault
on the traditional American family:
421
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,519
a father, a mother,
and another mother who's 12".
422
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,400
Also, if, as a parent,
423
00:21:53,799 --> 00:21:56,675
your worst nightmare
is your child getting pregnant
424
00:21:56,759 --> 00:21:58,796
and not having to stay
that way if they don't want to,
425
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,440
I guess we have
different nightmares.
426
00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:05,116
Because there's an objectively correct
hierarchy of parental fears
427
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,076
and it's, one:
losing one of your children.
428
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,156
Two: something terrible happening
to one of your children.
429
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,396
Three: losing one of them
but not in a dead way,
430
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,435
in the "oh fuck,
I can't find them" way,
431
00:22:13,519 --> 00:22:15,755
and then you have to decide
whether to look for them on your own,
432
00:22:15,839 --> 00:22:17,715
or let someone know immediately
that they're missing.
433
00:22:17,799 --> 00:22:19,796
Because if something's really wrong,
you are gonna need help.
434
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,876
But if they're just kind of around
looking for LEGO sets,
435
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,556
you don't want to announce
to the Target employees
436
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,390
that you're a negligent parent
who misplaced your child.
437
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:30,715
Number four: your children hating
you for exactly the person you are,
438
00:22:30,799 --> 00:22:32,715
that's not because of any
misunderstanding or anything.
439
00:22:32,799 --> 00:22:34,356
Your kids know exactly
what you're about
440
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,840
and they justifiably
want nothing to do with you.
441
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,450
And finally, number five: your child
gets really good at swimming.
442
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,955
Because that means
you have to take them to the pool
443
00:22:43,039 --> 00:22:46,599
by 5:00 AM every other morning
for ten fucking years.
444
00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,876
A child exercising bodily autonomy
is nowhere near a worst scenario.
445
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:53,920
Except for maybe
the swimming thing.
446
00:22:54,559 --> 00:22:57,995
This past year and a half
has clearly been devastating
447
00:22:58,079 --> 00:22:59,435
when it comes to abortion rights.
448
00:22:59,519 --> 00:23:01,636
And to be clear, I'm not
just talking about the, quote
449
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,796
"unintended consequences"
around wanted pregnancies.
450
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:08,836
I'm talking about the intended ones
for unwanted pregnancies, too.
451
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,880
An abortion is a medical decision
between a patient and their doctor.
452
00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:17,675
It is maddening to see some push
to make their states safe for babies,
453
00:23:17,759 --> 00:23:21,359
while making it far more dangerous
for the people they grow up to be.
454
00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:24,759
But the hope here,
and there actually is some hope,
455
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:29,396
is that as much as the needs, lives and
choices of women have been dismissed,
456
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:33,359
is also how much their anger
and tenacity has been underestimated.
457
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:36,279
You've seen doctors
and medical professionals
458
00:23:36,359 --> 00:23:38,109
offering their selves and services.
459
00:23:38,559 --> 00:23:39,715
And you've seen people like these,
460
00:23:39,799 --> 00:23:43,675
bravely and selflessly reliving
private, often difficult moments,
461
00:23:43,759 --> 00:23:45,559
to educate and galvanize others.
462
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,396
So many people have been working
tirelessly to make this better.
463
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:50,916
And I wish they didn't have to.
464
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,396
I wish they could devote their lives
and talents to something besides
465
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,599
publicly fighting for basic,
necessary healthcare.
466
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,440
But they can't.
Because this is an emergency.
467
00:23:59,759 --> 00:24:02,116
And one that requires
action from all of us.
468
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,519
And hopefully, one day,
we can eventually get to a place
469
00:24:05,839 --> 00:24:09,076
where people who want to end
a pregnancy, save their own life,
470
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:12,116
or make any other medical
or reproductive decision
471
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,475
about their own body,
472
00:24:13,559 --> 00:24:16,275
will not have to seek out
the same legal loopholes
473
00:24:16,359 --> 00:24:19,316
that the money plane provides
for those who want to bet
474
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,359
on a dude fucking
an alligator in front of "Frasier."
475
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:24,160
And now, this.
476
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:27,675
And Now: It Was Halloween,
477
00:24:27,759 --> 00:24:31,039
and Local TV Hosts
Did What They Always Do.
478
00:24:35,839 --> 00:24:36,759
Ice !
479
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:39,440
Baby !
480
00:24:41,319 --> 00:24:42,279
{\an8}Papoy !
481
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,556
{\an8}- Is that the minions ?
- I had to channel my costume !
482
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:47,435
Yeah. The minions,
they're always going "papoy !"
483
00:24:47,519 --> 00:24:49,796
I should've done some research
as to what Teletubbies do.
484
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:53,030
I think they're just walking around
eating custard or something.
485
00:24:53,079 --> 00:24:54,779
- I like that.
- Some more of that.
486
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,430
- You know what I mean ?
- Yeah.
487
00:24:56,759 --> 00:24:57,880
And he goes like that.
488
00:24:58,599 --> 00:25:00,275
How are you doing
on this Halloween ?
489
00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:02,235
I gotta be honest, Judy,
I can't breathe through this thing.
490
00:25:02,319 --> 00:25:05,076
{\an8}I can't see what's going on.
I'm sweating buckets.
491
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,559
I can't grasp anything.
492
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,519
{\an8}I can't turn the pages.
493
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,480
Hi, Barbie !
494
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,039
- Hi, Ken.
- What's up, ladies ?
495
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,519
- No, you say "Hi, Barbie".
- Hi, Barbie !
496
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,876
And we are going to bring
that alien into the studio.
497
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,480
And that alien does weather !
498
00:25:26,039 --> 00:25:28,995
About ten degrees below average
for this time of year.
499
00:25:29,079 --> 00:25:31,435
Temperatures will be
in the upper 50s and low 60s.
500
00:25:31,519 --> 00:25:34,839
Cooler over the Potomac Highlands.
50 right on the money up there.
501
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:37,839
You heard him.
502
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,260
{\an8}We're just having
a ball here today, folks.
503
00:25:48,519 --> 00:25:51,796
Moving on. Finally, tonight,
a quick word about New Zealand.
504
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:54,916
A vast fantasy world
that was invented by J.R.R. Tolkien
505
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,916
to be the filming location
for "The Lord of the Rings".
506
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:01,435
I'd like to talk about
a very important election there.
507
00:26:01,519 --> 00:26:02,955
Not their general election,
508
00:26:03,039 --> 00:26:05,076
which happened three weeks ago,
and no one noticed.
509
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:07,079
No, I'm talking about this.
510
00:26:08,079 --> 00:26:09,119
{\an8}It's the big day.
511
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:13,275
{\an8}Candidates are being woken up and
assessed for their campaign readiness.
512
00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:15,200
{\an8}Voting is due
to run for two weeks.
513
00:26:16,039 --> 00:26:18,519
{\an8}Supporters of each bird
are hoping in that time
514
00:26:18,839 --> 00:26:22,119
{\an8}enough New Zealanders
share their vision of what could be.
515
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,640
Call yourself a Kiwi ?
Vote Kiwi, Bird of the Century.
516
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:30,035
Yes, it's New Zealand's Bird
of the Century competition.
517
00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:32,876
And kudos for stealing
the theme from "Veep" there,
518
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,356
to really drive home the gravity
of the contest.
519
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:39,076
Because this is a big deal.
New Zealanders love birds.
520
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:42,235
They're famously known as Kiwis,
after the Kiwi bird.
521
00:26:42,319 --> 00:26:44,475
And birds feature prominently
on their currency.
522
00:26:44,559 --> 00:26:47,116
Which is frankly much better
than what U.S. bills have on them,
523
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,319
which is assorted racists
and trace amounts of cocaine.
524
00:26:51,519 --> 00:26:54,556
New Zealand
also has a lot of unique birds.
525
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,275
A 2017 government report
526
00:26:56,359 --> 00:27:00,076
found that of the 168 species
of native birds in New Zealand,
527
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,596
93 were endemic,
meaning they're found nowhere else.
528
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,195
But in the past
couple of centuries,
529
00:27:05,279 --> 00:27:08,636
the numbers of native birds
there have dropped dramatically.
530
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:11,420
That is why the conservation
organization Forest & Bird
531
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:15,116
started a Bird of the Year
competition back in 2005
532
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:18,195
to raise awareness of native birds
and the threats that they face.
533
00:27:18,279 --> 00:27:20,435
And this year,
it's Bird of the Century,
534
00:27:20,519 --> 00:27:22,356
which is clearly
the biggest one yet.
535
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,475
But for a well-meaning competition,
536
00:27:24,559 --> 00:27:27,755
it's actually been a bit of a lightning
rod for controversy in the past.
537
00:27:27,839 --> 00:27:31,239
Just take the reaction to what
happened ahead of last year's contest.
538
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:34,275
The world's fattest parrot, the Kakapo,
has been kicked out.
539
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:35,356
Melissa, why ?
540
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:39,715
Because it's won two times previously,
2020 and 2008.
541
00:27:39,799 --> 00:27:41,156
Too big for its boots.
542
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,759
They're worried that it's taking
the spotlight from lesser-known birds.
543
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,515
It's true.
This bird, the Kakapo,
544
00:27:48,599 --> 00:27:51,275
was disqualified because
it had already won twice.
545
00:27:51,359 --> 00:27:54,955
Which is bullshit.
We don't do that for other awards.
546
00:27:55,039 --> 00:27:57,876
Sorry, Beyonce, but since
you've already won 32 Grammys,
547
00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,475
you are disqualified so that
someone worse than you can win.
548
00:28:01,559 --> 00:28:02,839
I hope you understand !"
549
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:07,400
Besides, the Kakapo earned those wins.
It's the world's fattest parrot.
550
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:13,450
If you're not already on board,
they're friendly, and they smell nice,
551
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:16,430
those are two qualities
I've never associated with any bird,
552
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:18,000
present company included.
553
00:28:19,519 --> 00:28:20,916
And perhaps most importantly of all,
554
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,200
the Kakapo gifted the world
with this incredible clip.
555
00:28:25,039 --> 00:28:29,599
A typical male, Sirocco
is clearly interested in one thing.
556
00:28:33,759 --> 00:28:34,759
Look at that !
557
00:28:39,279 --> 00:28:40,759
God, he's got sharp claws.
558
00:28:42,799 --> 00:28:44,200
He's getting a bit frisky.
559
00:28:47,079 --> 00:28:50,160
Do you think he's attempting
a sort of mating ritual ?
560
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:52,160
He is ?
561
00:28:53,759 --> 00:28:56,640
Mark, you are being shagged !
562
00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,800
- It's sharp.
- Look, he's so happy !
563
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,680
I'm sorry but it's one of the funniest
things I've ever seen.
564
00:29:06,400 --> 00:29:08,839
You are being shagged
by a rare parrot.
565
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:13,359
He thinks you are a female.
566
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,079
He's really going for it.
567
00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:18,880
You've chosen him.
You are in pain, aren't you ?
568
00:29:19,839 --> 00:29:21,995
Spectacular. Just spectacular.
569
00:29:22,079 --> 00:29:24,235
Though spare a thought
for that Kakapo.
570
00:29:24,319 --> 00:29:25,669
I know he looks happy there
571
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,520
but can you imagine how insecure
he also must have felt ?
572
00:29:28,559 --> 00:29:31,435
Imagine this: you've met someone
that you instantly connect with,
573
00:29:31,519 --> 00:29:33,235
you bring them back
to your place, undress,
574
00:29:33,319 --> 00:29:36,269
get in bed, start to have sex,
you know what, no, make love.
575
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:39,839
But the whole time Stephen Fry
is right next to you,
576
00:29:40,599 --> 00:29:41,916
pointing, laughing, and saying
577
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,235
"This is one of the funniest
things I've ever seen ?"
578
00:29:44,319 --> 00:29:47,995
Then someone takes that sexual
humiliation and puts it up on YouTube,
579
00:29:48,079 --> 00:29:50,440
where it's viewed
25 million times ?
580
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:54,519
Then, some asshole on HBO
shows it to his studio audience,
581
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:56,195
and they all laugh too ?
582
00:29:56,279 --> 00:29:59,235
The very fact that this bird has been
able to keep himself aroused,
583
00:29:59,319 --> 00:30:01,316
humping, and focused on his partner,
584
00:30:01,400 --> 00:30:04,519
that zoologist's head,
is, frankly, heroic to me.
585
00:30:05,519 --> 00:30:10,119
But the Kakapo's disqualification
was actually a step up from 2021,
586
00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:14,755
when there was an uproar after
a bat was awarded Bird of the Year.
587
00:30:14,839 --> 00:30:19,715
Specifically, this absolute goober
of a bat, the long-tailed bat.
588
00:30:19,799 --> 00:30:23,359
Forget Bird of the Year, I wouldn't
even give that bat Bat of the Year.
589
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:26,675
Apparently it qualified
because it was entered using the term
590
00:30:26,759 --> 00:30:30,799
"Manu, the Maori word for bird,
which means winged creature".
591
00:30:31,119 --> 00:30:35,720
Just because it has wings,
that's somehow good enough ?
592
00:30:36,359 --> 00:30:37,995
Voters shouldn't use
the same criteria
593
00:30:38,079 --> 00:30:40,720
as someone boarding
a Southwest Airlines flight.
594
00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:45,559
Believe it or not, the year before,
there was yet another scandal.
595
00:30:46,079 --> 00:30:49,596
New Zealand's Bird of the Year
competition has been rocked
596
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,995
with revelations
of a slew of fraudulent votes
597
00:30:53,079 --> 00:30:55,836
streamed in overnight
for the littlespotted Kiwi
598
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:59,519
which pushed it into
an unexpected and false lead.
599
00:31:00,119 --> 00:31:01,799
Yeah, bird voter fraud !
600
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:05,556
And I think my favorite part
about that is the news anchor
601
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:08,316
calling the little
spotted Kiwi's lead "unexpected".
602
00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:10,916
Because that is an excellent
bird neg.
603
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:12,636
"Obviously, everyone was shocked
604
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:15,120
when they saw
the little spotted Kiwi in the lead
605
00:31:15,160 --> 00:31:17,160
and immediately knew
something was afoot.
606
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:19,235
Obviously there's no way
this little flightless freak
607
00:31:19,319 --> 00:31:21,119
could ever win
anything legitimately,
608
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:23,720
except maybe a fucked-up
ferret lookalike contest".
609
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:29,435
There have actually been a number of
vote-stuffing scandals over the years.
610
00:31:29,519 --> 00:31:31,515
In 2015, two 15-year-old twins
611
00:31:31,599 --> 00:31:34,275
managed to use their parents'
business email account
612
00:31:34,359 --> 00:31:36,235
to make hundreds of fake emails
613
00:31:36,319 --> 00:31:40,200
to vote over 200 times for the Kokako,
this blue thing.
614
00:31:40,759 --> 00:31:44,316
Then, two years later, another voter
fraud attempt was discovered
615
00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,759
when over 100 fraudulent votes
were cast for the White-Faced Heron,
616
00:31:48,079 --> 00:31:50,529
something Forest & Bird
took in its stride, saying
617
00:31:50,599 --> 00:31:53,116
"We're not mad, just impressed
that someone cares enough
618
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:56,475
about New Zealand's native birds
to rig the competition".
619
00:31:56,559 --> 00:31:58,876
And I'm glad they weren't mad
but I definitely am.
620
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,396
Because this fucking thing
doesn't deserve to be
621
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:03,480
anywhere near
the Bird of the Year award.
622
00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:05,995
It looks like a pigeon
took anabolic steroids.
623
00:32:06,079 --> 00:32:07,519
I hate this bird !
624
00:32:08,519 --> 00:32:10,316
But this all speaks to how much
625
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:13,350
the people of New Zealand
justifiably love this competition.
626
00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:16,400
There are campaign managers
for each bird candidate,
627
00:32:16,799 --> 00:32:18,916
and the electioneering
can be intense.
628
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:21,515
In 2019, the campaign
for the Rockhopper
629
00:32:21,599 --> 00:32:23,916
created a series
of movie parody posters,
630
00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:28,396
including "Rocky Hopper Picture
Show" and "School of Rockhopper".
631
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:30,130
Which are both clearly excellent.
632
00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:32,910
But my favorite endorsement
came from Adulttoymegastore,
633
00:32:33,079 --> 00:32:35,916
an online retailer
which campaigned for the Hihi bird,
634
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:39,920
claiming the "male Hihi have the
largest testicles in the bird world"
635
00:32:40,359 --> 00:32:44,076
and "the Hihi is the sex-positive
polyamorous idol of the bird world
636
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,839
with the biggest balls to boot !"
637
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:49,675
There are even honest-to-god
Bird of the Year debates,
638
00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:52,009
where campaigners
face off against each other.
639
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:56,519
I would like you to do your best
impression of your bird's call.
640
00:32:56,839 --> 00:33:00,039
So, we're gonna start with Frances.
Good luck.
641
00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:15,316
That is a real debate
on New Zealand radio !
642
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:17,796
And just imagine turning
that debate on midway through,
643
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:19,559
without hearing the question.
644
00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:23,600
It would sound like you're
listening to an orgy of haunted dolls.
645
00:33:27,799 --> 00:33:29,916
Now, at this point,
you might be thinking
646
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:32,596
"I wish there was
a Bird of the Year competition
647
00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:35,636
this spectacular here in the U.S.
That we could participate in".
648
00:33:35,720 --> 00:33:38,195
I've got some good news
and some bad news for you.
649
00:33:38,279 --> 00:33:41,119
The bad news is: there isn't.
The good news is:
650
00:33:41,599 --> 00:33:45,119
New Zealand's contest is not actually
restricted to just New Zealand.
651
00:33:45,799 --> 00:33:49,235
Anyone in the world can vote,
as long as they have a valid email.
652
00:33:49,319 --> 00:33:51,876
And not just that.
Forest & Bird themselves say they
653
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:55,156
"encourage anyone who is passionate
about their favorite native bird
654
00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:56,995
to campaign
throughout the competition."
655
00:33:57,079 --> 00:33:59,640
And I'm pretty sure
you know where this is going.
656
00:34:01,079 --> 00:34:02,876
Because we are hereby
announcing ourselves
657
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:05,035
as the official campaign manager
for what we believe
658
00:34:05,119 --> 00:34:08,356
to be the best candidate for
New Zealand's Bird of the Century.
659
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,880
I'm talking, of course,
about the Puteketeke,
660
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:14,840
also known
as the Australasian crested grebe.
661
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:18,440
Look at this beauty !
It looks like Pauly D fucked a swan.
662
00:34:20,159 --> 00:34:25,396
Even its name is fun to say.
Puteketeke. Puteketeke.
663
00:34:25,480 --> 00:34:27,480
It feels like your
tongue is tap-dancing.
664
00:34:27,599 --> 00:34:29,236
And there are so many
fun facts about it,
665
00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:31,836
like the fact that they are known for
carrying their babies on their backs
666
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:33,995
like this, which is,
yes, it's adorable.
667
00:34:34,079 --> 00:34:37,279
And "both parents will incubate
the eggs and tend to the chicks."
668
00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:39,230
They give each other
space to co-parent.
669
00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:40,995
They don't stifle each other.
670
00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:43,679
And you want elegance ?
I'll give you some elegance !
671
00:34:43,880 --> 00:34:47,435
They have a mating dance where
they both grab a clump of wet grass
672
00:34:47,519 --> 00:34:49,316
and chest-bump each other,
673
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:52,119
before standing around,
unsure of what to do next.
674
00:34:53,119 --> 00:34:57,320
I have never identified with anything
more in my fucking life.
675
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,916
Puteketekes also,
and this is true,
676
00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:04,236
eat their own feathers
by the hundreds
677
00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:06,196
to protect their stomachs
during digestion,
678
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:09,679
and then will "throw up a ball
of feathers and fish bones".
679
00:35:10,199 --> 00:35:12,756
They are weird puking birds
with colorful mullets !
680
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:14,090
What's not to love here ?
681
00:35:14,519 --> 00:35:16,916
And there is another reason that
you should vote for the Puteketeke,
682
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,316
and that is that its existence
is under threat.
683
00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:23,555
Its New Zealand population
numbers fewer than 1,000 birds.
684
00:35:23,639 --> 00:35:27,039
And yet, tragically, it's never
won Bird of the Year before.
685
00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:32,035
To be honest, it's also never had us
campaigning for it before, has it ?
686
00:35:32,119 --> 00:35:33,635
And I do think
that we can do this.
687
00:35:33,719 --> 00:35:39,155
Last year, when the Rock Wren won,
it did so with 2,894 number one votes,
688
00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:41,559
so I'm pretty sure
that we can beat that.
689
00:35:42,239 --> 00:35:44,435
Especially because
we've put together a campaign
690
00:35:44,519 --> 00:35:47,840
which could reasonably be described
as alarmingly aggressive.
691
00:35:49,559 --> 00:35:51,676
First, we put up ads
in New Zealand
692
00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:54,955
promoting the Puteketeke
as "Lord of the Wings,"
693
00:35:55,039 --> 00:35:58,955
which is already very exciting,
but we did not stop there.
694
00:35:59,039 --> 00:36:02,995
Because the potential voters
are every single inhabitant of Earth.
695
00:36:03,079 --> 00:36:04,276
So, for the last week,
696
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:07,836
there's also been a bunch of billboards
up in the center of Mumbai, India.
697
00:36:07,920 --> 00:36:09,760
Look at them !
There they are !
698
00:36:10,079 --> 00:36:13,629
A city of over 12 million people,
that's a lot of potential votes there.
699
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:16,676
We also designed
this striking animated ad for Japan,
700
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:20,599
which we then managed to put on
four billboards in the center of Tokyo,
701
00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:23,756
in the so called
"busiest crossing in the world",
702
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:26,236
so hopefully that should
bring in a few votes, too.
703
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:29,155
We tried to get this poster
put up in Paris,
704
00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:31,889
but they wouldn't do it,
because the bird was smoking,
705
00:36:32,039 --> 00:36:35,396
and cigarettes are apparently
banned in advertising there,
706
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:36,756
which seems a little ridiculous,
707
00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:39,836
considering the entire
population of France smokes.
708
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:41,995
So, we reluctantly tweaked it
709
00:36:42,079 --> 00:36:45,000
and put this non-smoking
version up on the Champs-Elysees
710
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:49,560
right next to the Arc de Triomphe,
which has frankly never looked better.
711
00:36:49,719 --> 00:36:52,316
Meanwhile, in London,
we made this mobile ad
712
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,199
telling everyone there
to "help us crown a real king",
713
00:36:55,599 --> 00:36:59,599
and drove it right past the houses
of parliament and all around the city.
714
00:36:59,920 --> 00:37:03,020
If you're thinking "That's great, John,
but what about Brazil ?
715
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:05,960
Surely, you did something in Brazil !"
716
00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:09,796
Don't worry, if you were
on Ipanema Beach this week,
717
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:11,836
you might've seen
this plane flying around,
718
00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:16,595
with a "Vote for the Puteketeke" ad
hanging right off the back of it.
719
00:37:16,679 --> 00:37:18,836
And finally,
just to push us over the top,
720
00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:21,840
we also put up this billboard
in Manitowoc, Wisconsin.
721
00:37:22,519 --> 00:37:25,280
'Cause, hey, not everyone
lives in big cities, do they ?
722
00:37:25,599 --> 00:37:28,155
And if you live in Manitowoc,
we need your support too.
723
00:37:28,239 --> 00:37:31,075
The point is: we are going
all out for this thing.
724
00:37:31,159 --> 00:37:35,039
Because I don't just want
the Puteketeke to win.
725
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,515
I want it to win
in the biggest landslide
726
00:37:38,599 --> 00:37:41,800
in the history
of this magnificent competition.
727
00:37:42,199 --> 00:37:44,899
I want it to do to other
Bird of the Century candidates
728
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:47,796
what the Puteketeke
does to fish in New Zealand's lakes,
729
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:51,555
eat them alive, and then throw them
back up in a ball of feathers.
730
00:37:51,639 --> 00:37:53,920
Because there is frankly
no bird on Earth
731
00:37:54,400 --> 00:37:58,119
more deserving of the title Bird of
the Century than this one right here.
732
00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:01,756
Look at this thing !
It's in your hands.
733
00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:04,075
So, please, before the...
Stop it !
734
00:38:04,159 --> 00:38:07,475
So, please, before the contest
closes at the end of this week,
735
00:38:07,559 --> 00:38:09,920
{\an8}go to votethisbird.com
736
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:13,679
{\an8}and select the Puteketeke
as your number one vote !
737
00:38:14,199 --> 00:38:17,639
{\an8}You need to use a real email address
and then verify your vote.
738
00:38:18,199 --> 00:38:21,920
'Cause, after all,
this is what democracy is all about:
739
00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:25,320
America interfering
in foreign elections !
740
00:38:26,559 --> 00:38:28,475
No matter
where you are on Earth,
741
00:38:28,559 --> 00:38:31,475
make sure you vote
for this adorably weird bird freak,
742
00:38:31,559 --> 00:38:34,199
and together,
let's make bird history !
743
00:38:35,039 --> 00:38:38,840
Thank you so much for watching,
we'll see you next week, goodnight !
744
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:43,079
Puteketeke !
67621
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