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Welcome to "Last Week Tonight".
I'm John Oliver.
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Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.
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Fox News found itself looking for a
new host of "White Grievance Tonight".
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Montana lawmakers barred trans
representative Zooey Zephyr
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00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:44,635
from the House floor,
and Matthew McConaughey
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00:00:44,719 --> 00:00:48,075
gave a motivational seminar
titled "The Art of Livin'"
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and I can't show you all of it,
but here is just a taste.
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In 1999, I just had a dream
that I was floatin' down a river,
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naked, wrapped up in anacondas,
sharks, piranhas, and crocodiles,
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00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,220
and lined along the ridge
of the river,
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there were thousands
of African tribesmen,
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each holding a shield and a spear.
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And it wasn't a nightmare.
Actually, it was a wet dream.
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What a twist at the end there.
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"I know my dream might've contained
some pretty dicey racial imagery there,
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but would it help to know that,
at the end of it, I ejaculated ?"
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That event was, and this is true,
five and a half hours long,
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and I'm not sure what lesson you're
supposed to learn from it other than:
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if you try to do drugs with
Matthew McConaughey, you will die.
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But we're gonna start in the U.K.,
where the economy is in turmoil.
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And the Bank of England's
chief economist recently said
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that "we're all worse off
and we all have to take our share".
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Which makes it a less-than-ideal time
for this to be happening.
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{\an8}This morning,
the country is coronation-ready,
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{\an8}with only one week
to go until the big day.
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{\an8}Buckingham Palace is releasing
these three brand-new images
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{\an8}of the soon-to-be-crowned
King and Queen.
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{\an8}Last-minute preparations
are feverishly underway,
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{\an8}from rehearsals involving hundreds of
British military personnel on horseback,
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{\an8}to polishing the grand coaches
the King and Queen will travel in.
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Yes, the coronation
of the world's least likable orphan
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is less than a week away now.
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Meaning that they are really
going through with this, I guess.
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They're actually
going to print bank notes
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with the image of a man
whose face only a mother could love
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and only two cousins
could produce.
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The coronation
is happening on Saturday,
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and while preparations
have been going on for months now,
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they've also hit some
speed bumps,
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especially when it comes to booking
musical acts for the coronation concert.
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{\an8}Many top British performers
won't be singing for the king.
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{\an8}According to Rolling Stone,
stars like Adele and the Spice Girls
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{\an8}all reportedly
turning the opportunity down.
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{\an8}Elton John, who regularly performed
at concerts for the Queen,
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{\an8}telling Rolling Stone
he has scheduling issues.
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Yeah, of course he does.
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Elton John was famously
close friends with Diana.
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00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:05,756
In his autobiography, he called her
"incredibly indiscreet, a real gossip.
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00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,835
You could ask her anything
and she'd tell you."
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00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:09,439
Just look at them together !
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That is the face of a man listening
to the best gossip about her husband
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that he has ever heard, while
still trying to appear sympathetic.
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Charles, Elton John
knows things about you.
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And not just the tampon thing.
Way worse than the tampon thing.
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So, no, he will not be playing
at your big fancy party,
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and to be honest,
you don't want him there.
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And look, this is clearly
a big moment in British history,
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but it's also a reminder
of how intertwined
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the monarchy is with the grimmer
moments of that history.
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The chair in which Charles
will sit is apparently missing a corner,
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thanks to a bomb attack in 1914
thought to be organized by suffragettes.
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And they avoided having Camilla
use this crown during the coronation,
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because it contains
the Koh-i-Noor diamond,
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which, you know, Google it.
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It's not that I don't want
to explain it to you,
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it's that a person who sounds like me
Britsplaining the Koh-i-Noor diamond
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is technically a war crime.
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All of this comes as young Britons
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are increasingly turning
against the monarchy.
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One poll found
that only a third actively back it.
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That poll, by the way, also asked,
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"Do you think King Charles
is in touch or out of touch
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00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:13,519
with the experiences
of the British public ?"
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And I don't know.
Is this guy out of touch ? This guy ?
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Is this guy out of... Sorry !
That's his brother with Jeffrey Epstein.
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Is this guy out of touch ?
Who can really say ?
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Still, Britain is going all-in
to whip up enthusiasm.
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This chocolate bust of Charles
was produced,
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which might look even more like him
once it melts slightly in the sun.
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00:04:34,079 --> 00:04:37,879
And then there was the announcement
of the coronation's official dish.
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The King and Queen Consort
have unveiled their coronation quiche.
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The savory tart will be served at big
lunches celebrating next month's event.
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A crisp, light pastry case,
filled with the delicate flavors
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of spinach, broad beans,
and fresh tarragon.
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But at Buckingham Palace,
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it seems it might not tickle
all modern taste buds.
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I'm fine with the spinach,
but I'll pass on the broad beans.
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That sounds disgusting.
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00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:05,675
Yeah ! Yeah, it does !
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But to be fair,
that's because it's a quiche.
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It's pie's weird camp friend.
And on quiche's best day, it's nothing.
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The most a quiche
can ever hope to make you feel
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is slightly more full of quiche.
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00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:22,195
Although, the coronation quiche might
actually be a perfect fit for Charles,
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because it's spectacularly ordinary
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and contains an unlikeable combination
of ingredients.
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Still, it has taken up a truly stupid
amount of time on British TV.
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{\an8}Chefs have made the quiche,
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{\an8}hosts have discussed it,
people have eaten it,
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{\an8}but the quiche coverage reached
its absurd apex when Nigel Farage
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{\an8}appeared on Australian TV
to try and politicize it.
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{\an8}So, we learned today
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{\an8}that the official coronation cake
is a vegan quiche.
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{\an8}How boring !
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{\an8}Oh dear ! My heart sunk
when I saw that news this morning.
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Sorry to interrupt, but your heart sank
when you saw that news ?
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There are wars going on, Nigel.
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Every day, the Earth gets
one degree closer to death
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00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:08,156
and it looks like Carrie is getting
back together with Aiden,
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but this is what mustered
emotion out of you ?
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Also, for the record:
it's not vegan.
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Quiche is, pretty famously,
an egg-based dish.
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Vegans don't eat eggs. You would know
that if you'd ever listened to a vegan.
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And it's not that hard, they're
literally always talking about it.
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Believe it or not,
that segment even continued.
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{\an8}I think what we're looking at here or
what we're warming up to potentially
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{\an8}is the austerity coronation.
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{\an8}To make sure that we're all
as environmentally sensible
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{\an8}as we possibly can be,
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00:06:39,839 --> 00:06:43,040
{\an8}and so in keeping with that,
they have produced the dullest,
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{\an8}most uninspiring,
and most politically correct dish
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{\an8}that has ever been produced
for a major occasion in this country.
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{\an8}It is truly ghastly.
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I do kind of get
where he's coming from there.
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You could argue
this is a belt-tightening dish
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for a country
whose economy is struggling.
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And it kind of makes you wonder
what pack of absolute dipshits
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drove Britain off a financial cliff
in the first place,
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but I guess a "former Brexit leader"
wouldn't know anything about that.
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00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:10,276
At the end of the day,
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the reason everyone's
desperately talking about Charles
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wanting people to have bean quiche
at his fake job party
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is that it is clearly
more interesting than he is.
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Which is a problem for the monarchy.
But there are some potential fixes.
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When it comes to the quiche,
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you could replace the beans
with caramelized leeks.
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You could swap out
the cheddar with gruyere,
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and a dash of goat cheese.
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Also, you could add a drizzle of honey
for some balance,
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maybe spicy honey for some depth
if you're feeling cheeky.
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And then, to serve,
and this part is really crucial,
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I'd recommend
taking that quiche,
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and throwing it
straight into the fucking trash,
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along with the monarchy itself,
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so that Britain can finally
stop hemorrhaging money
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supporting a family
of lightly inbred billionaires.
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And now, this !
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And Now:
Is Matthew McConaughey OK ?
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Yes, the future, it's foggy.
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It seems like
on this highway called life,
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everybody's got
their hazard lights on.
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All right, you know,
my appetite may be your indigestion.
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Your appetite
may make my stomach queasy.
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We're not always ready to change
from the caterpillar into the butterfly.
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Sometimes we want to cocoon.
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Those very truths,
beauties, and tools,
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those are what we are gonna need
to build that rocket ship
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to get us to those stars
that we're shooting for.
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So whether it's the future,
the unknown, or our flaws,
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we have to look the monster
in the eye
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and hold
that son of a bitch's gaze.
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You can measure mistrust in ounces
but you can measure trust in pounds.
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I believe that the recipe
for your particular secret sauce
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is under the hood of what you do well,
not what you don't.
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Now, I fall down, I get up
and dust myself off, like that.
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I step in a pile of shit,
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00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:03,300
I keep running while I'm cleaning
that shit off my shoe, on the go.
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00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,679
I'll step in the same pile of shit
every time around the bend
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because I never stop to take
inventory of just...
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Where that pile of shit
that I keep stepping in was.
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Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns immigration.
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It's the reason I'm here.
The reason I'm in this country.
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Not the reason I exist.
The reason for that should be obvious:
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a tax accountant fucked a stork,
and voila, here I am !
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We're going to talk about the situation
on our southern border.
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And I know what you're thinking:
"Finally, someone is going to address
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the magnificent statue in El Paso
known as 'Pile o' Gators,'
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featuring what looks
like a bunch of horny reptiles
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engaging in a sloppy
swamp orgy."
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00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,555
But while that is certainly
a situation on the border,
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it is sadly not the situation,
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which refers to what's going on
with migrants down there.
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00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,516
And if you ask
politicians on the right,
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00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,960
that situation
can best be summed up like this.
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{\an8}Our border is wide open
and out of control
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{\an8}and Americans
are dying because of it.
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00:10:02,039 --> 00:10:05,396
{\an8}The truth is that there is an invasion
happening at our southern border.
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{\an8}Migrants are absolutely invading
this country.
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00:10:07,879 --> 00:10:10,360
{\an8}Our country is under attack.
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00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,840
{\an8}America is being invaded.
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00:10:16,159 --> 00:10:18,279
{\an8}No American is safe.
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00:10:19,039 --> 00:10:22,835
Let's first acknowledge the irony
of cowardly freaking out about migrants
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00:10:22,919 --> 00:10:25,279
in front of a sign that reads
"Mr. Strong".
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00:10:25,879 --> 00:10:29,156
Never before has a name plate
felt so intensely sarcastic.
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00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,036
But also, setting aside
the blatant xenophobia there,
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00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,519
are the two of you wearing
matching outfits ?
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00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,396
Because it sure feels like
you met up at Men's Wearhouse,
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00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,356
made a beeline
for "The Caucasian Collection",
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00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:40,675
picked out the exact same suit,
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00:10:40,759 --> 00:10:43,879
and then wore it like Tweedledum
and Tweedle-deportation.
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00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:48,835
The right has been fearmongering
about immigration even more than usual.
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00:10:48,919 --> 00:10:51,756
And to be fair...
I don't have to be fair. Fuck 'em.
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00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,236
But to be fairer
than they actually deserve,
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00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,955
there is a lot happening
at the border right now.
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00:10:57,039 --> 00:10:58,475
The number of migrant
encounters there,
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00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:00,516
which was rising
before Biden came into office,
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00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,955
reached "a record high" last year.
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00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:04,675
Now, that has happened
for a number of reasons,
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00:11:04,759 --> 00:11:06,356
including that we're coming out
of a global pandemic,
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00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,955
and multiple countries,
from Haiti to Venezuela to Ukraine,
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00:11:09,039 --> 00:11:11,795
are in crisis right now,
so there's a high number of people
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00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:13,396
forced to flee their homes.
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00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,595
Plus, some asylum seekers may,
understandably,
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00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:18,779
have been encouraged by Biden's
rhetoric on the campaign trail,
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00:11:18,799 --> 00:11:21,279
which was notably different
than his opponent.
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00:11:21,679 --> 00:11:26,279
I can only imagine what it's like
to see someone in your family deported.
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00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:28,429
I can only imagine
what that's like.
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00:11:29,039 --> 00:11:30,759
To me, it's all about family.
219
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,730
Beginning, middle, and end,
it's about family.
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00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,075
That's not going to happen
in my administration.
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00:11:36,159 --> 00:11:40,000
The idea you can't even seek asylum
on American soil ?
222
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,080
Can't even seek asylum
on American soil ?
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00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:46,840
When did that happen ?
Trump. It's wrong.
224
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,510
- You're going to change that ?
- Yes, I am.
225
00:11:49,679 --> 00:11:52,555
Yeah, "it's all about family,
beginning, middle, and end",
226
00:11:52,639 --> 00:11:54,279
whatever the fuck that means.
227
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,036
A pretty empty phrase
from a presidential candidate,
228
00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:00,075
but to be honest,
a pretty good tagline for "Fast X".
229
00:12:00,159 --> 00:12:04,320
It's only mildly less comprehensible
than "the end of the road begins".
230
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,835
But at the time,
that promise sounded good.
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00:12:07,919 --> 00:12:10,475
It is worth remembering that even if
Biden wasn't your favorite candidate,
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00:12:10,559 --> 00:12:12,876
even if he was
your least favorite candidate,
233
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,080
after four years of Trump,
that was pretty refreshing.
234
00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:19,075
It's like wandering through
the Sahara Desert for four years
235
00:12:19,159 --> 00:12:21,636
and all of a sudden
seeing a Panera.
236
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:25,276
It's not necessarily paradise
in its own right,
237
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:26,795
but compared
with what you just went through,
238
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:30,639
you would kill for an asiago turkey
sandwich and a lemonade no question.
239
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,595
Promises like that are why we cited
Biden's potential to undo
240
00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:37,996
Trump's damage on immigration
as a key reason to vote for him,
241
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,435
just a week before the election.
242
00:12:39,519 --> 00:12:42,195
Now, did we make the difference ?
Who can say ?
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00:12:42,279 --> 00:12:43,720
Nurses are the real heroes.
244
00:12:44,279 --> 00:12:47,075
Unfortunately, though,
when it comes to the southern border,
245
00:12:47,159 --> 00:12:49,555
Biden has disappointed
in a lot of ways.
246
00:12:49,639 --> 00:12:53,475
But it is not because he's opened up
the country to an invasion,
247
00:12:53,559 --> 00:12:55,996
it's actually, in many ways,
the opposite.
248
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,435
Many migrants,
including asylum seekers,
249
00:12:58,519 --> 00:13:01,675
are finding it impossible to access
this country through our ports of entry.
250
00:13:01,759 --> 00:13:04,109
And the conditions
that they're facing are dire.
251
00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:06,759
In many border cities,
shelters and detention centers
252
00:13:06,759 --> 00:13:09,996
are reportedly near capacity,
with the director of one of them
253
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,679
saying "Every day I turn away
at least ten families with children".
254
00:13:14,039 --> 00:13:16,955
And just last month,
at least 40 people died
255
00:13:17,039 --> 00:13:18,876
when a migrant center
caught fire.
256
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:22,555
And frustratingly, a lot of this has
been exacerbated by U.S. policies
257
00:13:22,639 --> 00:13:26,759
that are well within Biden's power
to remedy, and yet, he hasn't.
258
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,475
And that is basically
what our story is about tonight.
259
00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:32,595
It's about what Biden promised to do,
what he has and hasn't done,
260
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:36,236
and how his latest efforts to fix
things might make them worse.
261
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:39,475
And first, let's acknowledge,
it is impossible to assess
262
00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:42,955
what Biden has done at the border
without looking at what he inherited.
263
00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:45,759
Trump campaigned
on high-octane xenophobia,
264
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,916
and his policies reflected that,
265
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,795
from large-scale family separation
to attacking DACA,
266
00:13:50,879 --> 00:13:53,276
to his so-called
"Remain in Mexico" policy,
267
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,396
which led to massive encampments
of would-be asylum seekers
268
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,675
south of the border.
269
00:13:57,759 --> 00:14:00,609
And Trump approached
all of it with his signature clarity.
270
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,200
{\an8}The immigration laws are horrible.
We're doing an incredible job.
271
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,396
{\an8}We're doing a record-breaking job,
but we have bad laws.
272
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,276
{\an8}When you have bad laws
you can do good,
273
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,760
{\an8}but you can do a lot better
if you had good laws.
274
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:13,916
I mean, that is total gibberish,
275
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,996
but if you look
at what he's saying closely there,
276
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,600
you'll find it's also,
and this is true, a haiku.
277
00:14:21,679 --> 00:14:25,276
I'm kidding, it absolutely isn't,
but wouldn't it be great if it was ?
278
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,276
If that buffoon
was capable of accidental beauty ?
279
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,555
But it's not, and he isn't,
so we're back to square one.
280
00:14:30,639 --> 00:14:32,916
Now, to Biden's credit,
281
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,756
he created a task force
to reunify the separated families,
282
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,595
he strengthened protections
around DACA,
283
00:14:37,679 --> 00:14:40,195
and he suspended
the "Remain in Mexico" policy.
284
00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:43,116
And yet, there remain
huge numbers of people,
285
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,156
stuck just south of the border,
in camps that look an awful lot
286
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,435
like the ones
that were there during Trump.
287
00:14:48,519 --> 00:14:52,756
And a significant reason for that has
to do with a policy called Title 42,
288
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:57,039
which allows the U.S. to kick migrants
out of the country with shocking ease.
289
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,715
We've talked about it before,
but just as a refresher:
290
00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:02,279
it's not actually
an immigration law at all.
291
00:15:02,639 --> 00:15:04,555
It is an arcane
public health order
292
00:15:04,639 --> 00:15:07,396
aimed at preventing
the spread of communicable diseases.
293
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,195
The Trump administration
implemented it in March of 2020,
294
00:15:10,279 --> 00:15:13,876
invoking it as a safety precaution
intended to prevent Covid-19
295
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,116
from spreading
through Border Patrol stations.
296
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,276
But the truth is,
long before Covid,
297
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,759
its use had been floated
by Stephen Miller,
298
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,320
a child's answer to the prompt
"Draw Squidward from memory".
299
00:15:25,919 --> 00:15:29,036
In fact, the invocation of Title 42
was referred to as
300
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,156
"a Stephen Miller special.
He was all over that,"
301
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,720
a sentence I truly hope no one
has to speak or hear ever again.
302
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,480
And Miller has bragged
about Title 42's sweeping powers.
303
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,519
{\an8}The principle of it
is very simple,
304
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:45,240
{\an8}which is that,
during a pandemic,
305
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,600
{\an8}if you come into this country,
306
00:15:47,919 --> 00:15:50,799
{\an8}your very presence here,
if you enter unlawfully,
307
00:15:51,519 --> 00:15:55,200
{\an8}is a threat to our public health,
full stop.
308
00:15:55,679 --> 00:15:56,960
{\an8}You go home.
309
00:15:57,759 --> 00:16:01,675
First, I'm pretty sure if you played
the sound of Stephen Miller's voice
310
00:16:01,759 --> 00:16:02,955
in a maternity ward,
311
00:16:03,039 --> 00:16:05,356
a newborn infant
would instinctively say,
312
00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,240
despite not having any knowledge
of the English language,
313
00:16:08,399 --> 00:16:10,120
"shut the fuck up".
314
00:16:11,159 --> 00:16:14,399
That "threat to our public health"
line was bullshit.
315
00:16:14,799 --> 00:16:18,116
While Trump claimed
that the order originated with the CDC,
316
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,756
one former health official said
that they were forced to implement it,
317
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,396
adding "It was either do it
or get fired".
318
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:28,356
The CDC's scientists said
there was no evidence Title 42
319
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,690
would actually slow
the spread of coronavirus.
320
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,720
But the reason Trump seized on it
is pretty obvious.
321
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:38,835
Under normal circumstances, migrants
have the legal right to ask for asylum,
322
00:16:38,919 --> 00:16:40,835
no matter
where they cross the border.
323
00:16:40,919 --> 00:16:44,916
But like Incel Caillou said,
Title 42 "gave the government
324
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,916
the power to rapidly expel any migrant
without giving them an opportunity
325
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,996
to make a case for staying in US
legally, including to seek asylum".
326
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,475
And you would hope that,
upon taking office,
327
00:16:55,559 --> 00:16:58,236
Biden would move
as fast as possible to get rid of it.
328
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,396
But instead, his administration
has been all over the place.
329
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:02,955
Just a few months
into his presidency,
330
00:17:03,039 --> 00:17:06,739
his secretary of Homeland Security sent
this message to potential migrants.
331
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,110
{\an8}The message is quite clear.
Do not come.
332
00:17:09,839 --> 00:17:13,000
{\an8}The border is closed.
The border is secure.
333
00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:17,440
{\an8}We are expelling families.
334
00:17:17,839 --> 00:17:20,356
{\an8}We are expelling single adults
335
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:26,039
{\an8}under the CDC's authority under
Title 42 of the United States Code
336
00:17:26,519 --> 00:17:28,569
{\an8}because we are in the midst
of a pandemic,
337
00:17:28,599 --> 00:17:30,839
{\an8}and that is a public health
imperative.
338
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:35,596
Except it wasn't a public health
imperative, and everyone knew it.
339
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,715
And look, if you're going to parrot
Trump's harmful talking points,
340
00:17:38,799 --> 00:17:41,235
at least throw in some
of the funny ones as well.
341
00:17:41,319 --> 00:17:42,916
Every time you do
a press conference
342
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,955
to bolster some bullshit
xenophobic policy like Title 42,
343
00:17:46,039 --> 00:17:48,796
you also have to go off on a tangent
about how Robert Pattinson
344
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,916
should have dumped
Kristen Stewart.
345
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,799
It is the least
that you can do.
346
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:57,076
For months afterward, the Biden
administration let the policy stand,
347
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,640
and even at one point
defended it in court.
348
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,396
Then, to be fair,
they did try to end it,
349
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,636
only for a federal judge
to block those efforts,
350
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:05,916
with reporting
at the time indicating
351
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,759
that the "ruling was met with a sigh
of relief inside the White House".
352
00:18:10,079 --> 00:18:14,755
Biden expanded who could be
expelled to Mexico under Title 42.
353
00:18:14,839 --> 00:18:17,435
Because while the order initially
allowed the U.S. to do that
354
00:18:17,519 --> 00:18:19,876
with migrants
from these four countries,
355
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,235
he chose to broaden it,
first to include Venezuelan migrants,
356
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:26,796
and later to those from Cuba,
Haiti, and Nicaragua.
357
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,156
And the administration will point out,
and not wrongly,
358
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,796
that they have issued humanitarian
exemptions to Title 42.
359
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,356
It's estimated
that around 187,000 migrants
360
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:39,275
were granted exemptions
from May of last year to last month.
361
00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:42,275
But not only is that a fraction
of those seeking asylum,
362
00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:43,636
the administration's been criticized
363
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,960
for a lack of clarity
and consistency in who is eligible.
364
00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:51,035
Some have argued that there has been
a pretty glaring discrepancy
365
00:18:51,119 --> 00:18:53,920
in who the country
has and hasn't decided to allow in.
366
00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:58,636
{\an8}At a migrant shelter in Tijuana,
Mexico, claims of a double standard:
367
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,435
{\an8}special treatment
for Ukrainians fleeing the war
368
00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:03,316
{\an8}and being admitted to the U.S.
369
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:05,796
{\an8}I love that the government
is helping them,
370
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,035
{\an8}because they're going
through a really hard situation.
371
00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:09,715
{\an8}But that's not what happens
for people here.
372
00:19:09,799 --> 00:19:11,995
{\an8}Exactly. We should all
be treated the same way.
373
00:19:12,079 --> 00:19:16,279
{\an8}How do you account
for the difference in the treatment ?
374
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:17,839
{\an8}Racism.
375
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,796
Yeah, of course. Racism.
It's the answer to so many questions,
376
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,275
like "Why are some people
treated differently at the border ?"
377
00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:26,316
"Why did Roseanne Barr
get fired ?"
378
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,556
"Why does your grandpa insist
on pronouncing 'Kamala'
379
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:29,799
the way that he does ?"
380
00:19:30,759 --> 00:19:34,035
And Title 42,
including Biden's expanded use of it,
381
00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:37,200
has functionally robbed people
of their basic right
382
00:19:37,599 --> 00:19:40,755
to make an asylum case for themselves,
which can be devastating.
383
00:19:40,839 --> 00:19:42,639
Just listen to this Honduran migrant
384
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,076
talk about getting all the way
to America with his family,
385
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,955
on the presumption
he'd be able to apply for asylum,
386
00:19:48,039 --> 00:19:49,715
only to be taken into custody,
387
00:19:49,799 --> 00:19:52,279
and woken up one day
with an unpleasant surprise.
388
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,035
{\an8}One of us asked
389
00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:58,119
{\an8} "Where are you taking us ?
Is it true we're being deported ?"
390
00:19:58,119 --> 00:20:00,475
They said
"No, we're not deporting you.
391
00:20:00,559 --> 00:20:03,809
We're taking you to a shelter,
and you can keep going from there".
392
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,799
And that was a lie.
They tricked us.
393
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,235
When we got off the bus,
394
00:20:08,319 --> 00:20:10,920
we saw the sign that said
"Tijuana, Baja California".
395
00:20:11,359 --> 00:20:13,519
That's when we realized
we'd been sent back.
396
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,200
So, you didn't realize
until you were already in Mexico ?
397
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,440
Right. Once we were already here.
398
00:20:20,279 --> 00:20:23,316
That is clearly not
how immigration policy should work.
399
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,796
Under no circumstances
400
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,275
should people on a bus
be lied to about where it's going,
401
00:20:28,359 --> 00:20:30,435
unless, that is,
it's a bachelorette party bus
402
00:20:30,519 --> 00:20:32,275
and they're demanding
to be taken to another bar
403
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:34,396
even though one of them
already threw up on a pigeon.
404
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:38,836
In that case alone, you say "Sure"
you swing by CVS for some Pedialyte,
405
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,039
and you take them back
to their Airbnb.
406
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,515
And because many migrants can't return
to the country that they were fleeing,
407
00:20:45,599 --> 00:20:47,916
they wind up stuck
on our southern border,
408
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:52,319
or trying repeatedly to get back into
the country, often at their own peril.
409
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,876
More than 890 migrants died
in border crossings last year,
410
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,556
making it the deadliest year
411
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,636
since the U.S. government
began tracking border crossing deaths.
412
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,876
And for those stuck in Mexico,
the experience can be harrowing.
413
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,515
One group found that, since 2021,
414
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:11,596
there've been over 13,000 reports
of murder, torture, kidnapping, rape,
415
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:14,715
and other violent attacks on migrants
and asylum seekers
416
00:21:14,799 --> 00:21:18,599
blocked in or expelled
to Mexico under Title 42.
417
00:21:19,519 --> 00:21:23,359
Now, the good news is,
Title 42 may be about to expire.
418
00:21:24,039 --> 00:21:25,116
And the reason for that is,
419
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,435
when the broader Covid public health
emergency ends on May 11th,
420
00:21:28,519 --> 00:21:31,636
Title 42 is expected
to expire with it.
421
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:35,799
The bad news, though, is that
even with over two years to plan,
422
00:21:36,119 --> 00:21:39,396
Biden's new proposed rule
may not be much of an improvement.
423
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,636
For one thing,
asylum seekers will now be expected
424
00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:43,636
to make an appointment
at a point of entry
425
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:47,240
through a new government app that
Biden proudly announced in January.
426
00:21:47,559 --> 00:21:49,000
If they're seeking asylum,
427
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:55,116
they can use an app
on their cell phone called CBP One,
428
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,400
O-N-E, CBP One, O-N-E.
429
00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:01,419
That's to spell it out,
not the number one.
430
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,599
Thanks for spelling it out.
That helps a great deal.
431
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,116
This is that app, and as you can see,
its icon apparently features,
432
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,035
I don't know
what else this could be,
433
00:22:10,119 --> 00:22:12,519
a border patrol agent
with a raging boner.
434
00:22:13,519 --> 00:22:17,195
It has been in use since January,
435
00:22:17,279 --> 00:22:20,636
as a way for people to request
exemptions to Title 42,
436
00:22:20,720 --> 00:22:22,799
and the early results aren't great.
437
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,035
Every morning at 9:00 AM,
438
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:28,035
women frantically try to refresh
the government app
439
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:30,680
hoping to get an appointment
to enter the U.S.
440
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,200
We watched with Karina Breceda
who runs the shelter.
441
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:39,319
By 9:05, all the appointments,
and hope, were gone.
442
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,675
It's lottery with people's lives,
with people's families,
443
00:22:43,759 --> 00:22:46,259
with people's livelihoods,
with people's wellbeing.
444
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:47,720
That is horrible.
445
00:22:48,039 --> 00:22:51,715
We should not be placing peoples' fate
in the hands of a smartphone app.
446
00:22:51,799 --> 00:22:54,796
And don't get me wrong,
apps can serve a lot of functions.
447
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,636
For example, this one
is for messaging your friends;
448
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,755
this one is for receiving robocalls;
449
00:22:58,839 --> 00:23:00,955
this one is for seeing
what your mom is up to;
450
00:23:01,039 --> 00:23:03,515
this one is for accidentally
turning it on, muttering "shit"
451
00:23:03,599 --> 00:23:06,519
and finally turning it off
after a minimum of three tries.
452
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,876
This one is for watching
democracy crumble
453
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,660
while Cher tweets the most baffling
series of emojis that you've ever seen;
454
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,435
and this one is for looking
at photos of pugs
455
00:23:14,519 --> 00:23:16,076
who make a better living
than you do.
456
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:19,435
The point here is,
we use apps for many purposes,
457
00:23:19,519 --> 00:23:22,876
but "reserving an appointment to try
and ensure the safety of your family"
458
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,000
probably shouldn't be one of them.
459
00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:26,435
As of right now,
460
00:23:26,519 --> 00:23:30,596
only about 740 people per day
can get appointments through the app.
461
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,630
But since there are obviously
far more people who need them,
462
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,636
a day's appointments
can run out within minutes,
463
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:39,400
which is why some have dubbed
the app "asylum Ticketmaster",
464
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,359
a truly terrifying
combination of words.
465
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:43,836
And just take a moment
466
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,920
to appreciate quite how shitty
of a company Ticketmaster is.
467
00:23:48,839 --> 00:23:52,435
People saw vulnerable migrants being
robbed of their ability to seek asylum
468
00:23:52,519 --> 00:23:54,556
and thought "You know
what this reminds me of ?
469
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,640
Ticketmaster,
a company about concerts".
470
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,156
What's more, many asylum seekers
have outdated cell phones,
471
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:04,755
if they have them at all,
that don't support the CBP One app
472
00:24:04,839 --> 00:24:07,636
and often have limited
or no access to the internet.
473
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:11,396
And on top of all of this,
it requires people to upload a selfie.
474
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:16,039
Its facial recognition technology has
worked better for some than for others.
475
00:24:16,519 --> 00:24:20,019
Even for digitally savvy migrants,
the experience has been a challenge.
476
00:24:22,319 --> 00:24:24,916
It doesn't want to scan.
It doesn't want to scan his face.
477
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,316
They say the app has glitches,
and some even claim
478
00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:31,799
the feature malfunctions
for those with darker skin.
479
00:24:32,920 --> 00:24:36,675
{\an8}I get up to the option to scan my face
but it asks to get closer and closer,
480
00:24:36,759 --> 00:24:38,796
{\an8}but it doesn't do anything,
and that's the problem,
481
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:41,715
{\an8}that it takes a long time to load
and that's where it fails.
482
00:24:41,799 --> 00:24:42,839
So, we try it again.
483
00:24:43,279 --> 00:24:45,876
Yeah, pretty bad !
At one shelter in Reynosa,
484
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,460
they even had to install
bright construction lights
485
00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:49,916
for people with darker skin
486
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,079
to shine on their faces
so the app would recognize them.
487
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:54,515
And I've got to say,
488
00:24:54,599 --> 00:24:56,995
given the history of everything
that's happened in this country ever,
489
00:24:57,079 --> 00:24:59,116
it is hard to think
of anything more on-brand
490
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:03,599
than a U.S. immigration app that scans
your face and says "not white enough".
491
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,275
And none of this is even getting into
some of the other issues with the app,
492
00:25:08,359 --> 00:25:12,440
like that it's told migrants to report
to border stations 1,500 miles away,
493
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,396
and has made it very difficult
for families to get appointments.
494
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:19,316
And for anyone considering
trying to circumvent this process
495
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:23,316
by crossing the border between
the ports of entry to request asylum,
496
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,955
something that, again,
is completely legal,
497
00:25:26,039 --> 00:25:29,715
under Biden's proposal, you would
be "presumed ineligible for asylum",
498
00:25:29,799 --> 00:25:32,596
unless you've already applied for it,
and been denied,
499
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,755
in any country
that you've already passed through.
500
00:25:34,839 --> 00:25:38,489
And as many have pointed out, that is
eerily similar to a Trump-era policy
501
00:25:38,559 --> 00:25:40,636
that "made migrants
ineligible for asylum
502
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,435
if they passed through a third country
en route to the U.S.
503
00:25:43,519 --> 00:25:45,396
And didn't seek asylum there first".
504
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:48,195
That forced people
into dangerous situations,
505
00:25:48,279 --> 00:25:53,035
and was completely antithetical to the
basic tenets of U.S. asylum policy.
506
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:56,955
That is something that Biden himself
definitely used to understand,
507
00:25:57,039 --> 00:25:59,439
given that, remember,
he's the guy who said this.
508
00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:02,039
Can't even seek asylum
on American soil ?
509
00:26:02,559 --> 00:26:03,680
When did that happen ?
510
00:26:04,039 --> 00:26:08,680
I can answer that for you, Joe ! Now !
It's in a rule that you just proposed !
511
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,876
And I know there are a lot of things
that we would like to forget from 2020,
512
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:16,880
like the word "Cuomosexual"
or how everything was cake for a while,
513
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,475
or how Gonzo my hair got.
514
00:26:19,559 --> 00:26:23,796
I look like I have to tell everyone
I just moved into the neighborhood.
515
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,755
But your outrage
at the treatment of asylum seekers
516
00:26:26,839 --> 00:26:29,439
shouldn't be something
you're just allowed to forget.
517
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:32,316
So, if and when Title 42
expires next month,
518
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:36,195
it seems that we're not going back to
the way that things were before Trump.
519
00:26:36,279 --> 00:26:37,995
Because with Biden's new proposal,
520
00:26:38,079 --> 00:26:41,755
we're just entering a different phase
of an immigration dystopia,
521
00:26:41,839 --> 00:26:43,715
particularly for asylum seekers.
522
00:26:43,799 --> 00:26:45,316
And a lot of people
are unhappy with it.
523
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,556
The UN high commissioner
for refugees has said it's
524
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:52,035
"inconsistent with the foundational
principles of international refugee law"
525
00:26:52,119 --> 00:26:55,556
and recommended that the government
refrain from adopting it.
526
00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:59,156
It is pretty obvious that Title 42
was never
527
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:02,090
a functional or compassionate
model of immigration policy.
528
00:27:02,599 --> 00:27:05,156
But neither is funneling migrants
through an app
529
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,356
whose boner icon
actually makes sense now,
530
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:09,839
given just how thoroughly
it fucks people.
531
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:13,079
So, what can we do ?
Restoring the right to asylum
532
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,195
would roll back at least some
of the harm that's been done here.
533
00:27:16,279 --> 00:27:17,836
But that is just the start.
534
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:21,556
We also have to scale up capacity
of our entire immigration system,
535
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:23,556
including our immigration courts,
536
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:26,916
which, as we've talked about on the
show before, are massively overloaded.
537
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:31,076
They're currently estimated to have
a backlog of over two million cases.
538
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,640
And beyond that, it is critical
that we also expand other legal,
539
00:27:35,079 --> 00:27:37,356
non-asylum pathways
into this country.
540
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,916
Basically, we badly need
actual immigration reform,
541
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,995
which means congressional action.
542
00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:44,876
But that hasn't happened
in decades.
543
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:49,076
Until it does, our immigration system
will remain fundamentally broken.
544
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:50,319
But that is no excuse
545
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:54,359
for making things even worse
with bad policy and shitty apps.
546
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,796
And I know this can be hard
to hear for some Democrats,
547
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,076
who are reluctant
to hear any criticism of Biden.
548
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:03,636
They will point out that Trump
was absolutely worse on immigration,
549
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:05,119
which he definitely was.
550
00:28:05,599 --> 00:28:07,359
But that is too low a bar.
551
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:09,955
Biden should, at the very least,
552
00:28:10,039 --> 00:28:12,720
be held accountable
to the promises that he made.
553
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,995
But the problem is, when it comes
to asylum seekers in particular,
554
00:28:16,079 --> 00:28:17,836
you're talking
about a group of people
555
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,759
for whom those promises
are among the easiest to break.
556
00:28:21,319 --> 00:28:24,636
And migrants are going to keep
seeking asylum in this country,
557
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:26,796
as they have every legal right to do.
558
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,876
And we need to make a choice
in whether we are comfortable
559
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:33,636
to continue leaving so many of them
in squalor and danger at the border,
560
00:28:33,720 --> 00:28:37,715
or whether we are willing
to finally fulfill our nation's promise
561
00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:41,195
of offering them a safer,
more hopeful life in a free country
562
00:28:41,279 --> 00:28:45,880
complete with the single horniest
pile o' gators in the entire world.
563
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:47,759
And now, this !
564
00:28:48,279 --> 00:28:49,359
And Now...
565
00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:52,640
Wait, Did Tucker Carlson
Know This Was Coming ?
566
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:55,796
{\an8}People are getting fired, are getting
drummed out of polite society
567
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:59,116
{\an8}for saying the wrong thing
even accidentally,
568
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:00,319
{\an8}so pay attention...
569
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,995
{\an8}I'm never gonna call
for anybody's firing
570
00:29:05,079 --> 00:29:07,480
{\an8}for saying
something stupid on television,
571
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:09,995
{\an8}as someone who's said
stupid things on television.
572
00:29:10,079 --> 00:29:11,876
{\an8}Other people might not agree
with you, but that's okay,
573
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:15,319
{\an8}it doesn't make either of you evil
or mean you ought to be fired.
574
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:19,435
{\an8}We live in a country where you can
be fired for having the wrong thought.
575
00:29:19,519 --> 00:29:20,955
{\an8}I would be happy to live in a world
576
00:29:21,039 --> 00:29:23,396
{\an8}where nobody got fired
for saying something stupid.
577
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:25,275
{\an8}Why are so many people
being fired right now ?
578
00:29:25,359 --> 00:29:28,116
{\an8}You can be fired
from your job if you disobey.
579
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,195
{\an8}Dare to say what you think
at work and you'll be fired,
580
00:29:30,279 --> 00:29:32,156
{\an8}you can be fired, you can be fired.
581
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:34,195
{\an8}Most of us don't have job security,
I've been fired,
582
00:29:34,279 --> 00:29:37,379
{\an8}I say whatever I feel like saying,
perhaps I'll be fired again.
583
00:29:49,039 --> 00:29:51,636
Moving on.
Before we go tonight, a quick update.
584
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:52,715
You may remember, last month,
585
00:29:52,799 --> 00:29:55,356
we introduced you to Radiant Plumbing
and Air Conditioning,
586
00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:57,316
a Texas company
started by a married couple
587
00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:59,755
who produce
elaborate movie-themed ads,
588
00:29:59,839 --> 00:30:01,876
from a toilet-themed
"Avengers" parody,
589
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:05,200
to a toilet-themed "Terminator" one,
to even taking on "Dune".
590
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:09,000
The people ask us to bring peace
to the city of Austin.
591
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:11,359
House Radiant accepts !
592
00:30:13,279 --> 00:30:14,319
I know you.
593
00:30:15,519 --> 00:30:18,599
There's something awakening
in your mind.
594
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:26,955
When Frank Herbert wrote "Dune",
595
00:30:27,039 --> 00:30:29,796
I doubt he realized that
the quintessential version of his story
596
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:32,556
would be made not by Jodorowsky,
not by David Lynch,
597
00:30:32,640 --> 00:30:35,990
not by Denis Villeneuve, but by
a gaggle of Texas toilet specialists
598
00:30:36,279 --> 00:30:38,235
with an After Effects login.
599
00:30:38,319 --> 00:30:41,636
We loved their ingenuity so much,
we issued them a challenge,
600
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:44,235
saying that if they agreed
to make their next commercial
601
00:30:44,319 --> 00:30:46,876
based on the mystery movie
in that envelope,
602
00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:48,876
we would debut it on this show,
603
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:52,116
and give $10,000
to the Central Texas Food Bank.
604
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:55,076
And I'm happy to say
that they took us up on that offer.
605
00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:59,240
We were never going to fuck
them over with the movie choice.
606
00:30:59,599 --> 00:31:01,399
We were never going
to fuck them over
607
00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:04,316
by giving them a film
like "Schindler's List" or "Tar",
608
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,836
but we did want to challenge them.
609
00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,396
So, the film that we picked
was "Magnolia."
610
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:12,759
We asked them to turn
PT Anderson's sprawling,
611
00:31:13,119 --> 00:31:16,275
three-hour epic into a commercial
for a toilet-repair business.
612
00:31:16,359 --> 00:31:18,076
Which is easier said than done.
613
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:21,316
"Magnolia" is a movie
with a shit-ton of main characters,
614
00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,550
ranging from a deranged
motivational speaker
615
00:31:23,599 --> 00:31:27,035
to sad-sack hospice nurse
to a kid stuck on a quiz show
616
00:31:27,119 --> 00:31:30,035
to a woman so hyped out
on cocaine she might explode
617
00:31:30,119 --> 00:31:32,955
to the cop who comes to her door
and maybe falls in love with her.
618
00:31:33,039 --> 00:31:37,076
It also features not one,
but two father figures dying of cancer,
619
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,279
and catchy lines of dialogue
like this.
620
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:42,599
I have cancer
and I'm dying very soon.
621
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:45,839
It's metastasized in my bones.
622
00:31:46,319 --> 00:31:50,556
I'm not saying that this film was easy
for them to turn into a toilet parody.
623
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:52,156
I'm not suggesting that.
624
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:53,916
But we were confident
that they could do it.
625
00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:57,195
Also, visually, "Magnolia"
gives them something to work with.
626
00:31:57,279 --> 00:32:01,156
It has a black-and-white prologue,
a literal rainstorm of frogs,
627
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,880
and a moment where every character
sings the same Aimee Mann song.
628
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,960
It's not going to stop...
629
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:16,480
It's not going to stop...
630
00:32:20,039 --> 00:32:24,319
It's not going to stop...
631
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,319
'Til you wise up.
632
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:32,556
I'm telling you, this movie is great.
It is fantastically bonkers.
633
00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:36,195
We were excited to see which parts
of it they chose to parody,
634
00:32:36,279 --> 00:32:39,200
and surprisingly, it turned out,
kind of all of them.
635
00:32:39,839 --> 00:32:42,755
So, we are thrilled to share
what Radiant did with you tonight.
636
00:32:42,839 --> 00:32:46,289
And spoiler alert: they really outdid
themselves with the title alone.
637
00:32:47,519 --> 00:32:49,559
The year was 1999.
638
00:32:50,039 --> 00:32:53,039
A typical story, a normal couple,
and a normal business.
639
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:57,200
What they built turned out
to be anything but normal.
640
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,556
The question is, do you have
problems with your toilet ?
641
00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:06,400
The answer is, just call Radiant.
642
00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:08,759
I'll be right there !
643
00:33:09,559 --> 00:33:11,000
Your toilet's super loud.
644
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:13,599
I'm here to help.
645
00:33:14,079 --> 00:33:16,796
Sometimes my plumbing's broke
and I don't know what to do.
646
00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:18,995
- Have a problem with your plumbing ?
- Just call Radiant !
647
00:33:19,079 --> 00:33:23,279
Tell him everything's going to be okay.
How dare you judge me !
648
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:27,396
You're a terrible water heater,
cold showers my whole life.
649
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,995
- Problems with your water heater ?
- Just call Radiant !
650
00:33:30,079 --> 00:33:32,160
I want to be cool
but I'm so darn hot.
651
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:41,319
This darn AC ! If I were smart,
I'd have called Radiant.
652
00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:48,519
Toilets are falling from the sky.
653
00:33:59,559 --> 00:34:00,675
There you have it.
654
00:34:00,759 --> 00:34:03,759
There was the story of Radiant
Plumbing and Air Conditioning.
655
00:34:03,759 --> 00:34:06,319
Could it actually all have been
a coincidence ?
656
00:34:06,799 --> 00:34:11,800
All this host knows for sure is that
if you need help with your plumbing,
657
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:15,840
air conditioning, or drains,
just call Radiant.
658
00:34:17,159 --> 00:34:19,196
The answer to it all
659
00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:23,440
is simply to just call Radiant.
660
00:34:30,079 --> 00:34:32,316
Excellent ! Just excellent !
661
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:34,850
But here's the thing,
just like "Magnolia" itself,
662
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:38,680
that ad is a piece of art that requires
multiple viewings to truly appreciate
663
00:34:38,760 --> 00:34:42,400
because the level of detail here
is complete madness.
664
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:44,155
There are multiple scenes
665
00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:47,196
that are shot-for-shot matches
for the original movie,
666
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,236
even down to this zoom in
on a piece of art in "Magnolia",
667
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:52,559
which they cleverly
matched with this one.
668
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:57,035
In the original movie, a falling frog
interrupts a suicide attempt,
669
00:34:57,119 --> 00:34:58,236
and in their version,
670
00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:02,400
a toilet's suicide by drill
is thwarted by a tiny falling toilet.
671
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:05,400
That suicidal toilet,
by the way, bears the words
672
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:08,236
"I have corrosion,
it is in my porcelain,
673
00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:09,920
only have a couple of months",
674
00:35:10,519 --> 00:35:13,916
while the other dying father figure
is represented by this water heater
675
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:16,435
wearing a hospital gown
which bears the words
676
00:35:16,519 --> 00:35:18,519
"I have corrosion too", sad face.
677
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,196
Every detail is deliberate.
678
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:24,236
Even the thermostat in this scene
is set to 99 degrees,
679
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:26,716
referencing both the year
the original film was released
680
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:28,876
and the year
that Radiant was founded.
681
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:33,559
There are more easter eggs in this
ad than in a ten-episode Marvel TV show.
682
00:35:34,679 --> 00:35:38,279
At one point in the original movie,
this character says to this character
683
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:41,115
that he will "dropkick the dogs
if they get near me,"
684
00:35:41,199 --> 00:35:43,435
and if you watch very carefully
685
00:35:43,519 --> 00:35:46,819
when their characters meet in
the Radiant ad, you will notice this.
686
00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:51,400
Come on ! Come on !
687
00:35:52,719 --> 00:35:54,440
What else could
you possibly want ?
688
00:35:55,159 --> 00:35:57,236
Not only did they go
above and beyond,
689
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:01,396
they are even matching our donation
with one to the San Antonio Food Bank.
690
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:03,916
Radiant Plumbing,
you have delivered !
691
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:05,039
Thank you so much !
692
00:36:06,039 --> 00:36:10,236
Honestly, I still don't know
if you are any good at plumbing,
693
00:36:10,320 --> 00:36:12,595
and if it turns out
you're terrible at it,
694
00:36:12,679 --> 00:36:15,075
that would actually make
all of this ten times funnier.
695
00:36:15,159 --> 00:36:18,115
But one thing is for sure,
when it comes to toilet-based cinema,
696
00:36:18,199 --> 00:36:19,635
you are unparalleled.
697
00:36:19,719 --> 00:36:22,469
I cannot wait to see what you do next,
because remember,
698
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:24,960
if you can dream it,
you can toilet.
699
00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:30,199
{\an8}Exactly. That's our show, thank you
so much for watching, good night !
63699
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