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1
00:00:23,559 --> 00:00:25,640
LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER
2
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,916
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight".
I'm John Oliver.
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00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,955
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week,
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00:00:36,039 --> 00:00:38,715
from Lori Lightfoot losing her
reelection bid in Chicago,
5
00:00:38,799 --> 00:00:41,715
to Alec Murdaugh being found guilty
of two murders.
6
00:00:41,799 --> 00:00:43,595
Of all the ill-advised
pieces of commentary
7
00:00:43,679 --> 00:00:45,516
concerning this blockbuster trial,
8
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,880
perhaps none was less welcome
than this.
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00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,490
A whole lot of people asking me
what I think about this...
10
00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:53,679
Alex Murdaugh trial.
11
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,670
I don't know
why they think I'm an expert on it.
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00:00:57,039 --> 00:00:58,000
I do !
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00:00:58,719 --> 00:01:02,640
I do, O.J. There are two things
you have expertise on in this life:
14
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:05,355
football and murdering wives.
15
00:01:05,439 --> 00:01:09,036
No one's asking you for your take
on Alec Murdaugh's rushing average,
16
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,359
so I'm guessing
it's the second one there.
17
00:01:12,079 --> 00:01:14,476
But we're going to start
with our main story tonight,
18
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:17,680
which concerns Ron DeSantis,
business Fred Flintstone.
19
00:01:18,319 --> 00:01:22,515
DeSantis has been all over the news,
as he is seemingly every week.
20
00:01:22,599 --> 00:01:25,476
He appointed his political backers
to a new Disney oversight board.
21
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,275
He released a new book
"The Courage to Be Free",
22
00:01:28,359 --> 00:01:31,196
and by the way, I have a little gift
for our studio audience.
23
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:33,956
Look under your seats !
The gift is, it isn't there.
24
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,239
You don't have to read it.
You're welcome.
25
00:01:36,799 --> 00:01:39,760
And he also put out
this eye-catching video.
26
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,200
Florida is proof positive
27
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,196
that we the people
are not destined for failure.
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00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,795
DeSantis wins. He has made a promise,
and he's making good on the promise.
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00:01:49,879 --> 00:01:53,519
Florida is leading the nation.
Decline is a choice.
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00:01:54,439 --> 00:01:59,159
Success is attainable.
And freedom is worth fighting for.
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00:02:00,519 --> 00:02:01,836
There is a lot there,
32
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,836
but "Florida's proof that we the people
are not destined for failure ?"
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00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:09,276
I don't know about that, Ron.
Last year alone in Florida,
34
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,036
a man tried to steal a crossbow
by stuffing it down his pants,
35
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,835
a woman instigated a police chase
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00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:16,769
so she could cross "getting arrested"
off her bucket list,
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00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,996
and a man was charged with battery for
throwing a hot dog at a police officer.
38
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:22,596
We the people may not
be destined for failure,
39
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,199
but a lot of individuals down there
sure do seem drawn to it.
40
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,555
This all feels like part
of a coordinated rollout
41
00:02:29,639 --> 00:02:32,115
of DeSantis's
inevitable presidential campaign.
42
00:02:32,199 --> 00:02:34,996
Because even though he hasn't yet
officially announced he's running,
43
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:38,156
he's already many conservatives'
favorite candidate.
44
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,596
After his landslide reelection
as governor last November,
45
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,319
the New York Post
proclaimed him "DeFuture".
46
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,599
Which is depressing.
47
00:02:46,039 --> 00:02:49,840
And he received this cringe-inducing
introduction from Kari Lake.
48
00:02:50,319 --> 00:02:53,476
{\an8}I don't know if you've heard of this,
but he's got BDE.
49
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,199
{\an8}Anybody know
what that means ?
50
00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,319
{\an8}Ask your kids about it later.
51
00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:04,120
{\an8}I call it Big DeSantis Energy.
52
00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:07,619
Okay, that is obviously terrible,
but just to be clear:
53
00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:12,075
if you don't know what BDE is,
please don't ask your kids later.
54
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:14,716
For the sake of those kids,
I'll just tell you right now:
55
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:18,635
it stands for Big Dick Energy,
a kind of easy, magnetic confidence
56
00:03:18,719 --> 00:03:20,635
that doesn't necessarily mean
you have a large penis,
57
00:03:20,719 --> 00:03:24,156
or, indeed, a penis at all,
it's just the energy associated.
58
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,395
A list of those with BDE
would include Bryan Cranston,
59
00:03:27,479 --> 00:03:31,876
Christine Baranski, the Pixar lamp,
Charles Darwin, and Snoopy.
60
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,276
Does that make sense ?
Please come to me and not your kids
61
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:38,436
if you need any penis-related
slang explained in the future.
62
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,515
It is worth noting, in general,
63
00:03:40,599 --> 00:03:44,319
you can't predict much about
a presidential race 20 months out.
64
00:03:44,759 --> 00:03:47,515
Previous early frontrunners
include Jeb Bush...
65
00:03:47,599 --> 00:03:50,280
The late Jeb Bush ?
I don't know, it's unclear.
66
00:03:50,599 --> 00:03:52,955
Howard Dean, and Rudy Giuliani,
67
00:03:53,039 --> 00:03:56,115
who is wandering around Central Park
covered in Thousand Island dressing
68
00:03:56,199 --> 00:03:58,449
and screaming about election fraud
to pigeons.
69
00:03:58,719 --> 00:04:02,476
And DeSantis is eventually likely
to have to go up against Donald Trump,
70
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,000
which history has shown
is no easy task.
71
00:04:05,439 --> 00:04:08,835
While Trump initially struggled to coin
a damaging nickname for DeSantis,
72
00:04:08,919 --> 00:04:13,115
with his first attempt being the weak
"Ron DeSanctimonious",
73
00:04:13,199 --> 00:04:16,000
he later unveiled
something with a lot more punch.
74
00:04:16,879 --> 00:04:18,036
According to the Times,
75
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:22,439
Trump has spent weeks
trying to goad DeSantis into a fight,
76
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:26,519
describing him in conversations
as "Meatball Ron".
77
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,916
Yeah. Apparently,
he was calling him Meatball Ron.
78
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,879
I hate to say it,
but Trump's still got it !
79
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,995
It's perfectly stupid,
childish, and hurtful
80
00:04:38,079 --> 00:04:40,555
in a way that's genuinely
difficult to articulate.
81
00:04:40,639 --> 00:04:42,639
Also, it's a pretty good name
on its own.
82
00:04:42,639 --> 00:04:45,195
If you asked me to describe
the perfect "Meatball Ron",
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00:04:45,279 --> 00:04:47,956
I'd say, I don't know,
maybe a round little hamster.
84
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,875
Or this smiley cartoon character.
Little arms and legs, little mustache,
85
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:54,675
maybe voiced by Chris Pratt
in a straight-to-streaming kids movie
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00:04:54,759 --> 00:04:58,956
with weirdly Christian undertones
that feels anti-Italian somehow.
87
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,790
But then, if you simply showed me
a picture of this guy,
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00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,596
I'd say,
"Forget everything that I just said,
89
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:07,560
that is my Meatball Ron right there,
that is my meatball".
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00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,795
But whatever Trump
calls him in the future,
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00:05:10,879 --> 00:05:12,355
the fact is, Meatball Ron
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00:05:12,439 --> 00:05:15,355
remains a strong contender
for the Republican nomination.
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00:05:15,439 --> 00:05:18,036
And while many commentators
insist on framing him
94
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,076
solely in opposition to Trump,
95
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,995
saying things like he's
"Donald Trump with a brain",
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00:05:23,079 --> 00:05:25,716
that doesn't seem
particularly meaningful.
97
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:29,195
It's like saying, "That new restaurant
is better than this chicken pot pie
98
00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:31,156
that fell on the sidewalk".
99
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:34,675
It is, but you're not really giving me
much useful information there.
100
00:05:34,759 --> 00:05:39,916
If I may quote Tom Brady's publicist
while reviewing his old golf photos,
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00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,399
"Let's take Trump
out of the picture".
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00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,396
And tonight, let's examine
DeSantis on his own merits,
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00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,716
and look at just some
of what he's done to
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00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,235
and for the over 20 million people
of Florida.
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00:05:51,319 --> 00:05:54,716
It's sometimes less than he claims,
sometimes less than his critics claim,
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00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:57,036
and sometimes
worse than you may know.
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00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,036
Let's skip over his early life.
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00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,115
He grew up in Florida,
was a standout baseball player,
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00:06:02,199 --> 00:06:05,315
got to the Little League World Series
with his local team.
110
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,995
He then went to Yale,
then Harvard Law School,
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00:06:08,079 --> 00:06:10,476
and subsequently joined the Navy
as an attorney.
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00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:12,555
Eventually,
he married his wife, Casey,
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00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:16,716
despite having the most bizarre
dating tactic I have ever heard.
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00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,795
According to a former classmate,
DeSantis would apparently tell dates
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00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:23,115
that he liked Thai food,
but pronounced it "thigh".
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00:06:23,199 --> 00:06:26,596
If they corrected him,
he would make up an excuse and leave,
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00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,916
because, quote, "He didn't want
a girlfriend who corrected him".
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If that is true, wow !
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00:06:32,399 --> 00:06:35,276
Just imagine being on that date.
You're out at dinner,
120
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,995
and your date tells you
that he really likes "thigh" food.
121
00:06:39,079 --> 00:06:43,076
And you think, "Wait, did he just call
Thai food 'thigh' food ?"
122
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:47,396
But he goes on to say that he knows
a great "thigh" food restaurant,
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all while staring very intently at you,
almost studying your reaction.
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00:06:51,439 --> 00:06:55,716
So, as politely as you can, you say,
"Thai food ? From Thailand ?"
125
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,315
And then suddenly,
his face drops, and he says,
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00:06:57,399 --> 00:06:59,636
"Sorry, I forgot I have
a doctor's appointment tonight",
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00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,916
and he leaves,
leaving you both with the check,
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00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,439
and the single greatest
first-date disaster story of all time.
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00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:11,995
Then, flashing forward, in 2012,
DeSantis was elected to Congress,
130
00:07:12,079 --> 00:07:14,179
though while there,
a former colleague says
131
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,276
that he always had his earbuds in,
to keep people away.
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00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,260
And if you're picking up
on a theme of:
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00:07:19,279 --> 00:07:22,516
"Ron DeSantis doesn't like hearing
anyone's voice but his own",
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00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:26,036
you're on to something, because
since becoming Florida governor,
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00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,916
he's made shutting down dissenting
voices something of a feature.
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00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,836
Here is a campaign ad
from last year,
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00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:33,570
in which he shows off
his skill at battling the media.
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00:07:37,079 --> 00:07:39,355
Good morning.
This is your governor speaking.
139
00:07:39,439 --> 00:07:43,879
Today's training evolution: dogfighting.
Taking on the corporate media.
140
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:47,956
Number one:
don't fire unless fired upon,
141
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:51,439
but when they fire,
you fire back with overwhelming force.
142
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:55,720
Does it say that in the bill ?
I'm asking to tell me what's in the bill.
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00:07:56,360 --> 00:08:00,399
Number two:
never, ever back down from a fight.
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00:08:00,759 --> 00:08:04,240
- If I could complete the question...
- It is a speech or a question ?
145
00:08:04,759 --> 00:08:06,859
Number three:
don't accept their narrative.
146
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,470
It's wrong, it's a fake narrative,
I disabused you of the narrative,
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00:08:10,519 --> 00:08:12,219
and you don't care
about the facts.
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00:08:13,079 --> 00:08:15,355
Until around 40 seconds ago,
149
00:08:15,439 --> 00:08:18,156
"Top Gun: Maverick"
was my favorite movie of last year,
150
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,115
but now, I'm sad to say, it's my least
favorite movie of all time,
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00:08:21,199 --> 00:08:23,600
tied with "Cats"
and the Zapruder film.
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00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:29,396
DeSantis is constantly complaining
the media is taking him out of context.
153
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,476
Although it is worth noting
that in that ad,
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00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:35,075
he's removing some pretty important
context from the media.
155
00:08:35,159 --> 00:08:36,276
Take that clip where he said,
156
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,315
"Are you gonna give a speech
or ask a question ?"
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00:08:38,399 --> 00:08:43,279
You'll notice that only one person
is doing the fighting there.
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00:08:43,759 --> 00:08:46,475
{\an8}Governor, what has gone wrong
with the rollout of the vaccine
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00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:49,916
{\an8}that we've seen phone lines jammed,
websites crashing...
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00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,756
{\an8}It's a lot of demand.
I think at the end of the day...
161
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,356
{\an8}- Excuse me!
- If I could finish my question...
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00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,475
{\an8}You just said, "What has gone wrong ?"
So, I'm answering the question.
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00:08:56,559 --> 00:09:00,759
{\an8}- If I could complete the question.
- It is a speech or a question ?
164
00:09:01,159 --> 00:09:03,595
{\an8}You asked a question.
I'm going to answer it.
165
00:09:03,679 --> 00:09:07,116
{\an8}- I'm trying to finish my question.
- No, you asked a question.
166
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:11,236
{\an8}- I am trying to ask you the...
- You get three questions ?
167
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,555
{\an8}They only got one question.
Why do you get three ?
168
00:09:13,639 --> 00:09:17,720
{\an8}- I'm asking if I could finish it.
- You finished the question.
169
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,159
No, she didn't !
170
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:23,276
And all she's asking you for
is some basic accountability.
171
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,315
When you see that in context,
that's a pretty gross case
172
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,156
of someone "meatball-splaining"
to a journalist
173
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,360
who's just trying to do
her fucking job.
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00:09:31,799 --> 00:09:34,715
Though, to be clear,
DeSantis doesn't hate all media.
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00:09:34,799 --> 00:09:38,396
There is one notable exception.
It's the exact one you're thinking of.
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00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:43,315
DeSantis is on Fox News all the time,
morning, noon, and night.
177
00:09:43,399 --> 00:09:44,955
Even by Republican standards,
178
00:09:45,039 --> 00:09:47,636
the mutual affection between him
and Fox is pretty extreme.
179
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,876
In just one four-month stretch,
180
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,156
"the network asked him to appear
on its airwaves 113 times,
181
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,759
or nearly once a day,"
182
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,396
with one Fox producer even offering
to let him pick the subject matter
183
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,356
if he agreed to come on,
which is just pathetic.
184
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,759
If Fox News ever went on a date
with Ron DeSantis,
185
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,639
they definitely wouldn't correct him
when he called it "thigh" food.
186
00:10:11,399 --> 00:10:14,435
But DeSantis
isn't just another Fox talking head,
187
00:10:14,519 --> 00:10:17,356
he sells himself as someone
with a proven track record.
188
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,195
He has done some terrible stuff.
For instance, at his urging,
189
00:10:21,279 --> 00:10:24,529
his state's medical board banned
gender-affirming care for minors.
190
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,835
And he signed
a 15-week abortion ban into law,
191
00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:32,195
while recently suggesting he'd sign
a six-week one if it reached his desk.
192
00:10:32,279 --> 00:10:35,916
Lots of Republican governors
have done things like that.
193
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,116
What makes DeSantis
extra popular on the right
194
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:41,636
is his willingness to wage
big, symbolic culture wars.
195
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:45,475
He's bragged that he's made Florida
"the freest state" in America,
196
00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:49,360
while defending its residents
from the greatest scourge of our time.
197
00:10:50,159 --> 00:10:53,236
{\an8}Wokeism is really
a form of cultural Marxism.
198
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,559
The wokeism
is the new religion of the left.
199
00:10:56,879 --> 00:11:01,799
{\an8}We are not, and will never,
ever surrender to the woke mob.
200
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,559
{\an8}Florida is where woke goes to die.
201
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,916
First, Florida is not
where woke goes to die.
202
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,555
It's where wealthy Upper East Side
New Yorkers go to die.
203
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:17,555
But second, DeSantis says "woke"
so often it begins to lose all meaning,
204
00:11:17,639 --> 00:11:20,475
but if you're wondering
what he thinks it actually stands for,
205
00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:24,236
his general counsel once helpfully
defined "woke" in court as,
206
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,555
"the view that there are systemic
injustices in American society
207
00:11:27,639 --> 00:11:30,279
and the need to have policies
that address them."
208
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,356
Which is a hell of a thing
209
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,440
for someone to admit to everyone
that you are against.
210
00:11:36,039 --> 00:11:39,356
DeSantis might really want to invest in a
lawyer more willing to lie for him.
211
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,156
I understand there's one currently
wandering around Central Park
212
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:44,435
who is available,
if you can catch him.
213
00:11:44,519 --> 00:11:46,669
But you'll have to be careful.
He's slippy !
214
00:11:47,519 --> 00:11:49,636
DeSantis expends a lot of energy
215
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,435
decrying wokeness
and empty virtue signaling,
216
00:11:52,519 --> 00:11:55,396
although he also seems to spend
a huge amount of time
217
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,075
doing the right-wing
version of exactly that.
218
00:11:58,159 --> 00:12:01,195
There was the time
that he waded in on Lia Thomas,
219
00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:04,555
a trans woman who'd won an event
in an NCAA swimming championship.
220
00:12:04,639 --> 00:12:07,475
The second-place finisher
happened to be from Florida,
221
00:12:07,559 --> 00:12:10,919
which DeSantis then took as an excuse
to come out and do this shit.
222
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,195
{\an8}If you look
at what the NCAA has done
223
00:12:14,279 --> 00:12:19,276
{\an8}by allowing basically men
to compete in women's athletics,
224
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:20,996
{\an8}in this case, the swimming,
225
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:25,835
{\an8}you had the number one woman
who finished was from Sarasota.
226
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:27,835
{\an8}We're going
to be doing a proclamation
227
00:12:27,919 --> 00:12:34,595
{\an8}saying that Emma is the best female
swimmer in the 500-meter freestyle
228
00:12:34,679 --> 00:12:36,039
{\an8}because she earned that.
229
00:12:36,399 --> 00:12:40,116
Okay, aside from being fucking gross
and awful, to be very clear:
230
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:41,955
"DeSantis doesn't have the power
231
00:12:42,039 --> 00:12:44,996
to declare or disqualify winners
in college sports,"
232
00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:48,036
rendering that proclamation
completely pointless.
233
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,996
But since men in suits
seem to be using their platforms
234
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:53,315
to invalidate past athletic
achievements out of pure spite,
235
00:12:53,399 --> 00:12:56,036
I hereby declare
that by signing this,
236
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:59,516
Ron DeSantis's Little League team,
the Swingin' Meatballs,
237
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,795
did not, in fact, ever make
the Little League World Series.
238
00:13:02,879 --> 00:13:04,955
Instead, his team's place
will from henceforth
239
00:13:05,039 --> 00:13:07,996
be taken by the season-six cast
of "RuPaul's Drag Race".
240
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,000
I declare it !
It is declared ! It is done !
241
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:16,396
But it's gone way beyond
empty, hateful proclamations.
242
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,236
DeSantis has also signed
a bunch of attention-grabbing bills
243
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,315
that seem designed to delight
conservatives and enrage liberals.
244
00:13:23,399 --> 00:13:25,475
And while the announcements
of these bills
245
00:13:25,559 --> 00:13:28,315
tend to get a lot
of national media coverage,
246
00:13:28,399 --> 00:13:31,996
the actual implementation of them
can get far less scrutiny.
247
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,595
Take DeSantis's
so-called "anti-riot law",
248
00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:38,075
which he passed following the
Black Lives Matter protests in 2020.
249
00:13:38,159 --> 00:13:41,059
The law, among other things,
strengthens criminal penalties
250
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,156
for those deemed rioters
at demonstrations.
251
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,490
And he loves to brag
to conservative audiences
252
00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:48,440
about just how mad
it's made people.
253
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,955
And I have to say,
brag a little bit.
254
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:56,480
Our anti-riot legislation was recently
criticized by the United Nations.
255
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,840
I wear that as a badge of honor.
256
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:00,799
Okay !
257
00:14:01,639 --> 00:14:04,799
But being chastised by the UN
isn't innately positive.
258
00:14:05,639 --> 00:14:06,756
What other admonitions
259
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,440
would fill DeSantis
with a misplaced sense of pride ?
260
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,780
"I was also criticized
by the Holocaust Museum,
261
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,356
Lego called me a scumbag,
and Malala Yousafzai
262
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:16,756
said she'd punch me in the throat
if she ever got the chance.
263
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,799
I wear that as a badge of honor."
264
00:14:19,799 --> 00:14:23,080
But it is not just the UN
that had a problem with that law.
265
00:14:23,559 --> 00:14:25,236
A judge issued
a preliminary injunction
266
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,396
blocking the key part of it
from being enforced,
267
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:31,435
arguing that it could effectively
criminalize legal, protected speech,
268
00:14:31,519 --> 00:14:35,396
and that it was "vague to the point
of unconstitutionality".
269
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,730
The same thing happened to his
"Stop Social Media Censorship Act",
270
00:14:38,799 --> 00:14:42,240
which, again, got a huge amount
of attention when he first signed it.
271
00:14:42,559 --> 00:14:46,116
It threatened social media platforms
with fines for banning candidates,
272
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,996
and he proposed it
shortly after a number of them
273
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,636
had removed Trump
in the wake of January 6th.
274
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,559
'Cause of, you know, that thing.
275
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,475
But that law is also
under a preliminary injunction,
276
00:14:57,559 --> 00:15:00,595
from a judge who at one point told
the DeSantis administration's lawyers,
277
00:15:00,679 --> 00:15:04,236
"I won't put you on the spot and ask
you if you've ever dealt with a statute
278
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,159
that was more poorly drafted."
279
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,876
And look,
he is still fighting those lawsuits,
280
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,360
and future decisions
could wind up going his way.
281
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,435
These cases are going
through higher courts that range
282
00:15:13,519 --> 00:15:17,480
from "fairly conservative" all the way
up to "overturned Roe v. Wade."
283
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,396
But even when DeSantis
has existing laws on his side,
284
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,480
his application of them
can be slapdash and gross.
285
00:15:24,919 --> 00:15:26,955
Just last year,
he made a big show of announcing
286
00:15:27,039 --> 00:15:29,516
his new "Elections Crime
and Security Office"
287
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,916
had spearheaded the arrests
of 20 people who'd voted illegally.
288
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,315
These were largely people who the
state had cleared to join the voter rolls,
289
00:15:37,399 --> 00:15:39,795
so they assumed
they were eligible to vote,
290
00:15:39,879 --> 00:15:42,435
despite the fact
that they technically weren't.
291
00:15:42,519 --> 00:15:45,555
One way of dealing with that would've
been to simply contact those people,
292
00:15:45,639 --> 00:15:47,835
explain the mistake,
and remove them from the rolls.
293
00:15:47,919 --> 00:15:52,876
But instead, DeSantis chose to send
armed cops to conduct arrests,
294
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,075
with bodycam video later
revealing police, with guns drawn,
295
00:15:56,159 --> 00:15:58,236
pulling people out of their houses.
296
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,156
If you listen to cops involved,
even they seem
297
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,840
annoyed and embarrassed
at what they're having to do.
298
00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:06,356
{\an8}They just dumped this shit on me.
299
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,679
{\an8}I had to plan three operations
in four hours.
300
00:16:11,159 --> 00:16:12,519
I ain't commit no fraud.
301
00:16:13,399 --> 00:16:16,876
So that's the thing. I don't know
exactly what happened with it,
302
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,195
but you do have a warrant,
and that's what it's for.
303
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:22,555
Why is y'all doing this now,
and this happened years ago ?
304
00:16:22,639 --> 00:16:24,320
I have no idea, man.
305
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,475
Do you have any idea
306
00:16:26,559 --> 00:16:30,799
how sketchy your order needs to be
for cops to enforce it reluctantly ?
307
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:35,356
Enforcing laws on scared people
is one of their favorite things to do !
308
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,360
It's that, make siren go
"wee-woo, wee-woo, wee-woo",
309
00:16:38,919 --> 00:16:40,039
and end of list.
310
00:16:40,919 --> 00:16:43,315
Now, since then,
several of those cases,
311
00:16:43,399 --> 00:16:47,116
including all those we just showed you,
have been dropped or dismissed.
312
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,075
But it really feels
like DeSantis's main aim there,
313
00:16:50,159 --> 00:16:52,679
as in so many cases,
was just to instill fear.
314
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:56,079
To make people afraid to protest,
or to moderate content,
315
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,320
or even to vote.
316
00:16:57,799 --> 00:17:02,555
Even his sloppily written laws
can end up doing real harm.
317
00:17:02,639 --> 00:17:05,275
And maybe the clearest place
to see all of this in action
318
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:08,916
is in Florida's schools,
he has been very busy there.
319
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:12,356
You probably remember
last year's passage of HB 1557,
320
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:15,156
the Florida Parental Rights
in Education Act,
321
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,156
also known
as the Don't Say Gay bill.
322
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,715
Though DeSantis says that name
pushes a "false narrative",
323
00:17:20,799 --> 00:17:22,356
and has claimed
that the bill simply says
324
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,880
no sexual instruction
to kids pre-K through three.
325
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:30,636
But the truth is, the bill
is not as narrow as that at all,
326
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,359
as this DeSantis supporter
openly acknowledges.
327
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,156
{\an8}What this bill's trying to prevent
is indoctrination of our children.
328
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,039
But the bill is a sweeping,
general piece of legislation
329
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:44,235
that doesn't apply to young children,
it applies throughout the school age,
330
00:17:44,319 --> 00:17:48,119
where it says "age-appropriate teaching
of gender identity and sexuality".
331
00:17:48,519 --> 00:17:52,556
The bill targets
kindergarten to third grade
332
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,515
and it says
"or age appropriate".
333
00:17:54,599 --> 00:17:58,039
So, when is it age appropriate
to talk about homosexuality ?
334
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,356
It varies by the individual.
335
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,715
You would sue a teacher if they
started talking to your daughter
336
00:18:03,799 --> 00:18:07,475
about same-sex marriage
or LGBTQ issues at the age of 17 ?
337
00:18:07,559 --> 00:18:11,279
If they don't have my consent
and I think it's not appropriate, yes.
338
00:18:13,279 --> 00:18:16,229
I think a lot of people
would be quite shocked to hear that.
339
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,370
- It's kind of a mainstream...
- That is the law !
340
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,675
Exactly. I know that's rough to hear,
but he is technically right there.
341
00:18:23,759 --> 00:18:27,556
Thanks to Ron DeSantis,
right now, it is the law in Florida.
342
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,876
And quick sidenote,
343
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,636
it's funny how it's always the people
who think homosexuality as a concept
344
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,596
needs to be taught
at an "appropriate age"
345
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:34,955
that don't give a second thought
346
00:18:35,039 --> 00:18:37,689
to when they teach their kids
what heterosexuality is.
347
00:18:37,759 --> 00:18:40,636
I could be wrong. Maybe in that
guy's family, his kid asks every day
348
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:44,636
"Who are you people living
in my house ?" and he responds:
349
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:48,235
"My name is Dad, that lady is Mom,
and we're friends.
350
00:18:48,319 --> 00:18:51,619
Don't ask me any more questions
'til you're 18 or I will sue you !"
351
00:18:52,519 --> 00:18:55,275
And it is not just sexuality
in DeSantis's crosshairs,
352
00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:58,356
he's also passed an act
called the Stop WOKE Act,
353
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:01,435
which limits the ways concepts
related to systemic racism
354
00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:03,836
and sex discrimination
can be discussed in schools.
355
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,955
And to hear him tell it,
laws like that are badly needed
356
00:19:07,039 --> 00:19:10,599
because the wokeness in schools goes
way deeper than anyone might think.
357
00:19:11,279 --> 00:19:14,316
I will have math books
sent to my department of education
358
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:18,200
for review, these textbooks,
and they will do things like woke math.
359
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,519
And I'm thinking to myself,
two plus two equals four.
360
00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:27,076
It's not, "Two plus two. Let's have
a struggle session over that.
361
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,359
How do you feel about it ?"
No. There's a right answer here.
362
00:19:31,039 --> 00:19:33,596
Out of context,
he's completely right there.
363
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,356
Numbers don't have feelings.
364
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,275
If they did, this one would be sad,
this one would be giggly,
365
00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:40,195
and this one would be exciting
for a few minutes,
366
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:43,475
but then the novelty wears off
and it mostly just gets tired and sore.
367
00:19:43,559 --> 00:19:47,396
DeSantis has claimed that his state
had to reject math books
368
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,396
for containing "indoctrinating
concepts like race essentialism,
369
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,396
especially, bizarrely,
for elementary school students."
370
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,316
Now, that is a big claim.
371
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:59,156
If it sounds like bullshit to you,
that's because it absolutely is.
372
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,995
Reporters for these outlets
combed through thousands of pages
373
00:20:02,079 --> 00:20:03,796
of elementary school textbooks
and their reviews,
374
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,880
and couldn't find
any such examples.
375
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,235
And when the DeSantis administration
eventually produced
376
00:20:08,319 --> 00:20:12,440
just four tiny snippets of what they
claimed was objectionable material,
377
00:20:12,839 --> 00:20:15,556
for the two that came
from grade-school books,
378
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,995
there is nothing about race,
although one does suggest students
379
00:20:19,079 --> 00:20:21,515
"practice with empathizing
with classmates"
380
00:20:21,599 --> 00:20:23,195
while they fulfill a lesson objective
381
00:20:23,279 --> 00:20:27,400
of "identify numbers
from one to five in sequence".
382
00:20:28,319 --> 00:20:31,919
So, his big claim of "woke math" and
"race essentialism" in grade schools
383
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:36,160
is regular math and trying to teach
kids not to be dicks to each other.
384
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:40,116
A kind of math education that DeSantis
frankly might've benefited from,
385
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,755
as his solution to figuring out the
difference between one and three questions
386
00:20:42,839 --> 00:20:46,359
seems to be, "yell until
the other person stops talking".
387
00:20:47,599 --> 00:20:50,235
And the most recent thing
you may have heard about
388
00:20:50,319 --> 00:20:53,396
are books being pulled
from shelves in Florida schools,
389
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:56,876
with viral images like these
making the rounds online.
390
00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,960
In classic fashion, DeSantis has
pushed back on those images hard.
391
00:21:01,599 --> 00:21:04,799
They've tried to create
in Florida a narrative,
392
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:09,319
it's basically a book ban hoax,
it's a hoax, what they're doing.
393
00:21:09,759 --> 00:21:13,240
And they're trying to say that
because we have parental rights
394
00:21:13,559 --> 00:21:15,755
and because we have
curriculum transparency,
395
00:21:15,839 --> 00:21:18,519
if you have a book
that has hardcore pornography
396
00:21:18,839 --> 00:21:22,039
in a library
that ten-year-olds can access,
397
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:25,995
and a parent objects to that,
that does not satisfy Florida standards,
398
00:21:26,079 --> 00:21:29,599
it should not be in the library
with those young kids.
399
00:21:30,079 --> 00:21:32,759
And I think 99 percent of parents
agree with that.
400
00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:35,995
Okay, first, let's debunk
the most egregious claim there
401
00:21:36,079 --> 00:21:39,079
because 99 percent of parents
don't agree on anything.
402
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,596
I'm pretty sure you can find
at least ten percent of parents
403
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,916
who are against covering electrical
sockets in reach of toddlers.
404
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,515
They're called zap moms
and they're all about
405
00:21:47,599 --> 00:21:50,640
letting kids discover
their own limits of electricity.
406
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,435
But I will give DeSantis this,
407
00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:54,836
there has been some misinformation
floating around online.
408
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,715
This viral list of books
supposedly banned statewide in Florida,
409
00:21:58,799 --> 00:22:01,435
circulated widely,
but it's nonsense.
410
00:22:01,519 --> 00:22:05,715
Having said that, those images
of empty shelves are very real,
411
00:22:05,799 --> 00:22:08,715
and are the direct result
of DeSantis's actions.
412
00:22:08,799 --> 00:22:11,995
He signed legislation
mandating that only approved books
413
00:22:12,079 --> 00:22:14,876
could be included in any school
or classroom library,
414
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,715
and that approval must come
from a certified media specialist.
415
00:22:18,799 --> 00:22:22,049
That led some districts, including
the ones those photos are from,
416
00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:24,396
to tell teachers
to remove or cover books.
417
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,916
Not because
they were pushing a false narrative,
418
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:30,319
but because they were trying
to comply with DeSantis's stupid law.
419
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,755
And while DeSantis might say,
"This is an overreaction
420
00:22:32,839 --> 00:22:35,836
because those books
will return once they are approved",
421
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,200
not all of them.
422
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:38,995
Thanks to his new law,
423
00:22:39,079 --> 00:22:42,636
as well as that Don't Say Gay bill
and his Stop WOKE Act,
424
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,995
he has turbocharged
a movement among conservatives
425
00:22:45,079 --> 00:22:48,396
to get books removed from libraries
that they just don't like.
426
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:52,035
And this goes way beyond removing
hardcore pornography
427
00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:55,469
or the usual kind of give-and-take
between parents and school boards
428
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,559
that has been going on
for decades now.
429
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,636
What DeSantis has done
is make it so anyone in a community
430
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,195
can challenge these books.
431
00:23:03,279 --> 00:23:04,715
Reporters tracked down
one woman
432
00:23:04,799 --> 00:23:07,556
who submitted 21 book challenges
in one county,
433
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,279
only to find that she's a retiree
with no children
434
00:23:10,599 --> 00:23:13,356
who fully admits
that she hasn't read all of them,
435
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,515
but "I've read them in partial".
436
00:23:15,599 --> 00:23:19,755
So, she skimmed them and said,
"I'm sure nobody should read this".
437
00:23:19,839 --> 00:23:23,156
Which is exactly how I feel
about Ron DeSantis's new book,
438
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,960
but I'm not trying to get it
taken out of libraries, am I ?
439
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,715
This teacher
in Escambia County, Florida,
440
00:23:30,799 --> 00:23:33,556
challenged around 115 books,
among them titles like
441
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:37,156
"And Tango Makes Three",
a picture book based on the true story
442
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:41,316
of two male penguins at the Zoo
who raised a baby chick together.
443
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:45,556
Apparently, one of her objections to it
is that a second grader could read it,
444
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,836
"and the idea
would pop into their mind
445
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,279
that these are two people
of the same sex that love each other".
446
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:55,799
And the problem is, schools are acting
on those sorts of complaints.
447
00:23:56,119 --> 00:23:58,475
There was a recent school
board meeting in that county
448
00:23:58,559 --> 00:24:01,475
to address the calls to ban three
of the books on that teacher's list,
449
00:24:01,559 --> 00:24:03,200
including the penguin one.
450
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,195
Multiple community members
came to testify in favor of banning it,
451
00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:11,359
and some made it abundantly clear
what law they felt empowered them.
452
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,440
I probably wouldn't even talk
about this book
453
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:18,680
except for right and wrong
as a clear line and it's not gray,
454
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:20,715
so it is black and white.
455
00:24:20,799 --> 00:24:24,680
{\an8}It's black and white with the law
when we talk about HB 1557.
456
00:24:25,079 --> 00:24:27,519
I think we're talking
about indoctrination.
457
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:32,799
{\an8}And when you look up this book
on Destiny Discover,
458
00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:35,039
{\an8}on the schools and county website
459
00:24:35,759 --> 00:24:39,400
{\an8}the book says this book is about
two male penguins that fall in love.
460
00:24:40,039 --> 00:24:45,880
{\an8}Jesus said, "Go and sin no more",
so this, this is against the law.
461
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:47,720
Thank you.
462
00:24:49,119 --> 00:24:51,515
Just think about the work
he put into that.
463
00:24:51,599 --> 00:24:53,796
That man had to shower,
put on a pair of pants,
464
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,435
decide what shirt to wear,
465
00:24:55,519 --> 00:24:57,675
choose the light blue one
that's two sizes too big,
466
00:24:57,759 --> 00:25:00,035
drive to the meeting,
park his car, walk into the building,
467
00:25:00,119 --> 00:25:01,869
wait a while for his turn to speak,
468
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,356
all so that he could eventually
stand behind a podium
469
00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:07,759
and say out loud, as an adult,
that he's mad about gay penguins.
470
00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:12,076
You have to admire his dedication
to being such a fucking idiot.
471
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,200
But the problem is,
that fucking idiot won.
472
00:25:15,759 --> 00:25:17,836
At that meeting,
the board voted to ban
473
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,435
"And Tango Makes Three"
from its schools.
474
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:23,469
When you take all of this together,
the books being removed,
475
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,636
the inane proclamations
to shame trans athletes,
476
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:28,995
the sloppy attempts
to criminalize protestors,
477
00:25:29,079 --> 00:25:30,275
and you combine it
with everything else,
478
00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:32,356
from the support
for restrictive abortion bans,
479
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,356
to the efforts
to stop gender-affirming care,
480
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:38,235
it really begins to feel like
"the freest state" in America
481
00:25:38,319 --> 00:25:41,156
is only free to the extent
that anyone wants to behave
482
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,119
exactly the way that Ron DeSantis
thinks they should.
483
00:25:44,759 --> 00:25:46,035
In the months to come,
484
00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:49,715
you're gonna hear a lot
of DeSantis-versus-Trump comparisons.
485
00:25:49,799 --> 00:25:52,949
And the truth is, he'll probably
come out well in a lot of them,
486
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,995
more or less by default,
but that cannot be the bar here.
487
00:25:56,079 --> 00:25:59,316
It is important
to consider DeSantis in his own right.
488
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,839
If Donald Trump never existed,
and let's just all just pause
489
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,119
and enjoy that hypothetical,
just for a second.
490
00:26:07,039 --> 00:26:08,640
If Donald Trump never existed,
491
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,195
and you were forced
to learn about Ron DeSantis,
492
00:26:11,279 --> 00:26:13,556
from scratch,
with no basis for comparison,
493
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,519
what you would see
would justifiably horrify you.
494
00:26:17,039 --> 00:26:20,089
Because you would be discovering
a petty autocrat and a bully.
495
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,596
A man with no interest
in hearing dissent, questions,
496
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,519
or indeed the correct pronunciation
of "Thai food".
497
00:26:26,279 --> 00:26:29,836
And all in all, a man who is,
and I do not use this term lightly,
498
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,880
just a fucking meatball.
499
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,039
And now, this !
500
00:26:35,039 --> 00:26:36,235
And Now...
501
00:26:36,319 --> 00:26:40,279
Jerry O'Connell's Wife is a Scorpio,
and He Needs Help.
502
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,955
{\an8}I have to tell you,
I did not believe in astrology either,
503
00:26:43,039 --> 00:26:46,239
{\an8}when I saw it, I didn't believe it,
and then I married a Scorpio.
504
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:48,955
{\an8}- If you marry a Scorpio...
- You better know it.
505
00:26:49,039 --> 00:26:51,715
{\an8}A Scorpio, it's over,
just do what they say.
506
00:26:51,799 --> 00:26:55,316
{\an8}All Scorpios do is vent,
that's what they do.
507
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:59,519
{\an8}You just can't ever get her mad
because Mama Bear is a Scorpio.
508
00:26:59,839 --> 00:27:00,920
{\an8}My wife is a Scorpio.
509
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,675
{\an8}Scorpios, I can tell you
as someone who's married to one,
510
00:27:03,759 --> 00:27:05,955
{\an8}they're really good at fighting.
511
00:27:06,039 --> 00:27:08,039
{\an8}- I'm married to a Scorpio so...
- Yay !
512
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:12,599
{\an8}We are like one drunken lunch away
from being, "That's it, I'm out !
513
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:14,675
{\an8}I'm finished with you !"
514
00:27:14,759 --> 00:27:19,119
{\an8}My wife was breastfeeding and I
dropped a couple of bags on the floor.
515
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,116
{\an8}And my wife is a Scorpio,
516
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,316
{\an8}so you can only imagine
what I went through after that.
517
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:28,000
{\an8}- Rebecca, who is a Scorpio...
- No, Jerry wouldn't do it !
518
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:30,836
My wife is a Scorpio,
sometimes my wife is, like,
519
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,156
"What's going on
with you and Jacqueline ?"
520
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:34,319
I'm married to one.
521
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,920
You're married to a Scorpio as well ?
We can talk after the show.
522
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:44,515
Moving on.
523
00:27:44,599 --> 00:27:47,715
Before we go, I'd like to take a moment
to discuss advertising.
524
00:27:47,799 --> 00:27:49,675
We're all constantly bombarded
by ads,
525
00:27:49,759 --> 00:27:51,796
and it can be hard for a brand
to cut through the noise
526
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,275
unless they're using
a flashy celebrity endorsement
527
00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:56,316
or making a massive fuck-up.
528
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,650
Like when Volkswagen
Italy's Instagram account
529
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,715
combined the word "Volkswagen"
and the word "Italia",
530
00:28:01,799 --> 00:28:03,839
to spell something very different.
531
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:08,440
It's like what Optimus Prime
looks for with safe search off.
532
00:28:09,039 --> 00:28:13,116
But we discovered that a plumbing
company from Austin, Texas
533
00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:16,799
had made a commercial so bold
it dared you not to pay attention.
534
00:28:17,319 --> 00:28:19,116
There was a time
where homeowners
535
00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:22,440
dealt with unruly ACs, toilets,
and water heaters.
536
00:28:23,359 --> 00:28:25,279
No other team
could handle the fight.
537
00:28:26,599 --> 00:28:29,880
But there remained a beacon of hope
in a group of superheroes
538
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:31,359
just one call away.
539
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:32,920
We'll take it from here.
540
00:28:37,839 --> 00:28:39,119
Dispatch, I'm en route.
541
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:46,839
Just call Radiant.
542
00:28:47,839 --> 00:28:49,279
Yeah. Exactly.
543
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,796
That "Avengers" parody is an ad
for a local plumbing company.
544
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:56,596
And honestly, I've got no notes.
Except, you know what, I do have one.
545
00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:59,636
Who the fuck is the guy
on the left supposed to be ?
546
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,316
I'm not an "Avengers" buff,
but I'm pretty sure there's no dog guy.
547
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,396
But please,
tell me I'm wrong, internet.
548
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:07,796
I would love to get a thousand tweets
about this from you nerds,
549
00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:12,275
"Actually, John, if you look closely
in the 'Avengers' issue 457,
550
00:29:12,359 --> 00:29:16,275
the existence of a radioactive dog
is not in fact out of the question".
551
00:29:16,359 --> 00:29:20,675
Tell me that ! I'm lookin' at this guy
and I'm thinking there's no radioacti...
552
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:22,636
Shit, it's the raccoon isn't it ?
553
00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,116
He's the raccoon with a dirty mouth
and a tree for a friend.
554
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:27,720
It's my mistake.
I take all of that back.
555
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:31,995
If all this company had made
was that one movie-themed ad,
556
00:29:32,079 --> 00:29:34,076
that would have been
comfortably enough for me.
557
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,715
But it turns out,
Radiant Plumbing does this a lot.
558
00:29:36,799 --> 00:29:40,035
Because last year, they also managed
to turn a certain transhumanist epic
559
00:29:40,119 --> 00:29:43,559
about the dangers of messianic
prophecies into an ad as well.
560
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,960
The people ask us to bring peace
to the city of Austin.
561
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:52,160
House Radiant accepts !
562
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:55,160
I know you.
563
00:29:56,599 --> 00:29:59,680
There's something
awakening in your mind.
564
00:30:01,759 --> 00:30:03,519
You must face your fears.
565
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:04,960
Come with me.
566
00:30:05,279 --> 00:30:06,680
COMING TO A HOME NEAR YOU
567
00:30:07,839 --> 00:30:09,160
You need to be ready.
568
00:30:13,079 --> 00:30:17,475
Holy shit !
That "Dune" parody is incredible.
569
00:30:17,559 --> 00:30:19,596
The casting alone !
Look at this guy.
570
00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:23,556
He's more of a Timothée Chalamet-type
than the real Timothée Chalamet.
571
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,940
He's got that signature
Chalamet air of mystery
572
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,475
where you're not sure
if he's about to white boy rap at you
573
00:30:28,559 --> 00:30:30,636
or do whip-its
in your mom's basement.
574
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:33,955
And as for ending
with this giant toilet sandworm ?
575
00:30:34,039 --> 00:30:36,995
"Avatar: Way of Wet"
can go fuck itself,
576
00:30:37,079 --> 00:30:40,200
the Oscar for best visual effects
goes to Radiant Plumbing.
577
00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:43,435
And the cherry
on top of all of that
578
00:30:43,519 --> 00:30:47,160
is the title that they chose for it
on YouTube "Toilet Dune".
579
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,880
No need to think too hard on it.
It's toilet and it's "Dune".
580
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:53,799
It's "Toilet Dune".
581
00:30:55,039 --> 00:30:57,156
And when you start diving
into Radiant's YouTube page,
582
00:30:57,240 --> 00:31:00,116
you will quickly discover
just how versatile they are
583
00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:01,920
in the medium of toilet cinema.
584
00:31:02,279 --> 00:31:05,876
They've done "Star Wars",
in which R2-D2 is played by a toilet.
585
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:07,876
They've done a "Scream" parody
for Halloween,
586
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,836
and three years ago,
they even rolled out a series of ads
587
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:12,475
parodying "Napoleon Dynamite",
588
00:31:12,559 --> 00:31:15,640
a movie that was, at that point,
a mere 16 years old.
589
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,715
I'm not even getting into their
movie-themed window displays,
590
00:31:19,799 --> 00:31:23,759
which have included the Teenage
Mutant Ninja Toilets, Mary Poopins,
591
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:27,836
and, in the clearest example
of "we'll add toilet to anything",
592
00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:29,079
Jurassic Toilet.
593
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:32,235
Look, let me be
very clear at this point.
594
00:31:32,319 --> 00:31:36,079
I have no idea how good at plumbing
Radiant Plumbing is.
595
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,836
Given how much time
they spend making these ads,
596
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:42,116
they could very well be terrible,
but I couldn't care less.
597
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,636
They are now responsible for some of
my favorite commercials ever produced,
598
00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:47,475
including this final one
that I'd like to show you.
599
00:31:47,559 --> 00:31:51,640
It's a love letter to James Cameron's
least wet film, "The Terminator".
600
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:56,960
We must destroy the mother toilet.
We'll not stand for a toilet takeover !
601
00:31:57,599 --> 00:32:00,396
We've got bowel movement.
Turn on all frequencies.
602
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:03,955
- Alpha team, status report.
- I can see the mother toilet now.
603
00:32:04,039 --> 00:32:05,960
Go ! Now !
604
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,730
The toilet has taken over
the squad commander.
605
00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:12,160
Hasta la toilet, baby.
You forgot to wipe the seat.
606
00:32:16,039 --> 00:32:18,319
{\an8}For all your plumbing...
AC and drain needs...
607
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:22,119
{\an8}Just call Radiant. What are you doing ?
Pick up the phone, now !
608
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:25,680
That's just very good.
It's very good.
609
00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:27,916
From making the choice
610
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,675
that there will be not
one Arnold Schwarzenegger, but eight,
611
00:32:30,759 --> 00:32:35,000
to giving the evil toilet what I can
describe as disturbingly human teeth.
612
00:32:35,519 --> 00:32:37,796
Honestly, you watch enough of these,
and you begin to wonder,
613
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,780
is there any movie that they
can't turn into a commercial ?
614
00:32:40,799 --> 00:32:43,349
And I guess, sadly,
there's just no way to find out.
615
00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:45,035
Except for one.
616
00:32:45,119 --> 00:32:47,169
Because you may remember,
a few years ago,
617
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:50,475
we offered local car dealers the chance
to film a commercial that we wrote,
618
00:32:50,559 --> 00:32:53,796
with the catch being that they couldn't
look at the script before agreeing,
619
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:56,396
and one dealership,
Zumbrota Ford of Minnesota,
620
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,396
actually took us up on our offer.
621
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:01,876
I have a similar proposition tonight,
but with a crucial difference.
622
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:05,079
So, please, come with me.
Because Radiant Plumbing,
623
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:07,880
I need you to listen to me
very closely,
624
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,920
'cause I have
a very important proposal for you.
625
00:33:11,839 --> 00:33:14,596
Unlike the last time,
I haven't written you a script.
626
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:15,675
Why would I,
627
00:33:15,759 --> 00:33:18,876
when you are already swimming
in a veritable toilet bowl of ideas.
628
00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:21,916
Instead, in this envelope,
I have the name of a film.
629
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,235
I won't say which one.
630
00:33:23,319 --> 00:33:26,195
But I will say that if you agree
to some basic terms and conditions,
631
00:33:26,279 --> 00:33:29,076
a key one being that you agree
to make your next movie commercial
632
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:32,715
inspired by the film in this envelope,
sight unseen,
633
00:33:32,799 --> 00:33:35,796
we will debut your ad
on this show to millions of people,
634
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:39,916
and give a $10 000 donation
to the Central Texas Food Bank.
635
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:43,156
The movie in here
could be in your wheelhouse,
636
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:46,195
like an action film,
or a costume-heavy horror.
637
00:33:46,279 --> 00:33:49,116
Or it could be something else.
So, it is a risk.
638
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:53,319
But as you might say,
"with great risk comes great toilet."
639
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:58,275
So, please, get in touch,
and let's make movie magic together !
640
00:33:58,359 --> 00:34:00,396
You have exactly one week
to reply.
641
00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:04,596
{\an8}Thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next week, good night !
642
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:05,680
Call us !
59126