All language subtitles for New.Girl.S03E05.The.Box.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MiU_track4_[eng]

Damn, man.

You look tired.
Your eyes are puffy as hell.

I'm unwell,
Winston. (SIGHS)

I'm just torn up about this
whole Cece and Elizabeth thing.

I feel so guilty, I can't even
look at myself in the mirror.

Do you think
that I'm a good person?

(NICK GRUNTS)
I'm gonna...

Hey, guys, do you guys think
that I'm a good person?

You're a terrible person.

-It's hilarious.
-You cheated on my best friend, Schmidt.

(STAMMERING) Fair enough. Okay.
Well, I'm better than Winston.

You're better at things than Winston,
but he's a better person.

-Winston freakin' stinks!
-Okay,

why am I being dragged into this?

Because I'm mad, Winston.

And I'm tired.

And... I'm a good...

I'm a good... I'm a good man.

Are you crying?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I got a package
for Nick Miller.

There's nobody here
by that name.

(WHISPERS)
I got this.

I saw that.

Run, Nick! Run!
Ahh!

-What?
-Relax, I'm with

your late father's estate.

-Pop-pop?
-What?

This is for him.

What's in there?

It's a hand, isn't it?
Just tell me if it's a hand.

Oh, my God!

-It is a hand.
-It's a... I knew it.

-It's a hand. What does that mean, though?
-What are the odds?

Full of dollar bills, y'all!

WINSTON: You are rich, man!

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?
It's Jess.

I can't believe Nick's
dad left him $8,000.

I've never seen someone
burn through money so fast.

-(LAUGHS)
-You should say something.

Some of these shoes
aren't even his size.

Look, Jess,
you don't want to talk

to Nick about money, okay?

It is a very touchy subject.

I'm gonna check out
this fancy picture place.

Seems like rich guys always have
pictures of themselves.

My man. Do you, baby.
(CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna be honest with you.
Nick owes me

1,900 bucks, so this here is
my opportunity to get it back.

JESS: How are you expecting
to get your money back

if he blows it all
on stupid stuff?

WINSTON: Oh, don't worry, Jess.
I have a plan.

Winston, you know you
don't have to con him

if he actually owes you money.
You can just ask him.

(LAUGHING)

I just told you to ask
him for the money.

-Smile... (LAUGHING)
-(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

NICK: Do the crystals make it
look too glamorous?

-It's really glamorous.
-I don't even know. I don't know

what's cool any more.

It could be a good time to start
a bank account.

Yeah, or I could just flush it
down the toilet.

It's not really
the same thing, but...

A bank is just a paper bag
but with fancier walls.

That's all it is.
I'm gonna keep

my money where my mouth is.

Um, under my nose.

That saying actually does work.

-What is that?
-This is my box.

It's where I keep
all my junk

that I don't feel
like dealing with.

That looks like a lot of bills.
It's... mostly bills.

Like I said, it's junk.

You know,
I'm just brainstorming here,

but what if you paid
some of those bills

with the money you just got?

(LAUGHING)
Yeah. I'm gonna "pay my bill."

And what's next? I'm gonna go
to the doctor and get a checkup.

Give them $500
to check my bones.

You're being funny.

So, yeah, I was dating
both of them at the same time.

I'm a mess. I can't sleep.
I urinate constantly.

I cried the other day
listening to a techno song.

My tweets have been
extremely literal.

Were the
girls Jewish?

One Indian, one regular.
Do you want to see a picture?

I, I don't even know
why you're here.

You come in and say,
"Do you have a minute?"

Okay, I'm, I'm sorry, Rabbi.
It's just that...

Okay, it's much more simple.
(SIGHS)

How can I be a better person?

Oh.

Well, you seem awfully concerned
with yourself.

You might want to start thinking
about the needs of others.

I think about others
all the time.

What, what I can get from them,

how they can
give me pleasure,

do they have a silly little walk

-that I can make fun of?
-No, th-that's...

It's where you actually care
about somebody else.

You put their needs
ahead of your own.

This is one of the few times
that I wish I was Catholic.

Couple Hail Marys
and I'd be off the hook.

Huh?

(CAR HORN BEEPING)

(TIRES SCREECH, WOMAN SCREAMS,
BIKE CLATTERS)

Oh, God. Whoa.

Are you choking?
You're choking. Okay.

Uh... What, are you
biking and eating?

All right, I got you,
I got you.

(GRUNTS)
Come on! Live! Live!

Live, biker!
(GASPS)

-Ew. Yeah!
-Thank you.

You saved my life.

What?

You saved my life.

You saved my life.

(PANTING)

-Thank you... Thank you...
-I did. Yes.

Yes!

Yes! Dude!

This is exactly what I needed.
Oh, my God.

Let us rejoice in song.

-Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil
-Please call 911.

-Adonai Eloheinu
-Please call 911. I'm hurt.

-Oh, yeah, no, that's a great idea.
-Please.

-I'm gonna call 911.
-(MOANS)

Hope you don't have
a dance recital later.

I'm just kidding.
Don't look at your legs.

(MOANING)

(QUIETLY)
That's, uh, $900

to the Parking Authority
of Los Angeles.

Oh, is it okay to mail cash?

I'm gonna do it anyway.

All right, it's on its way.

-Sliders are beautiful.
-I know, man.

-I knew you would think that.
-I love 'em, dude.

That's why I made 'em.

What is that?

Brotherhood.
Brotherhood, man.

All right, man. I respect
you, man, no matter what.

That's what it's about, man.

Yeah, and, um...

in the spirit
of brotherhood--

-just 'cause we on that level right now,
-Yeah.

-I was thinking maybe, I don't know...
-Anything, man. Shoot.

Oh, man.

Maybe you can just pay me back
that money that you owe me.

Remember? 'Cause you owe me
that money...?

-Uh, Nick? Nick?
-Oh...

Nick? Nick? Hey, Nick.
Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick..

Oh, you stink!

-Um, can we...
-You son of...

-You son of a bitch, Winston!
-Can we... Whoa!

That's what this is about?

Nick, it's my money.

Okay? Give it back to me!

I make a little bit of money
and you come

slipping out of
the "woodword"!

You mean "woodwork"?

What is "woodwork"?!

-What's "woodword"?
-Wood! Word! Wood! Word!

-(GROANS)
-That's where people like you

come crawling out of

when people like me have money!

-But you owe me that money!
-Stay out of my damn box

-is the point!
-I'm not in your box!

Jess gets it, right?

Yeah, what's...
What the hell, dude?

I'm gonna go to the bar
to blow off some steam.

That's a great idea.
Go get loaded.

You deserve it. Black out.

You are the only one
that I trust around here.

Oh...

(HOOTS)

You went through Nick's box.

Look, it was so much worse
than I thought.

-Why does he have the deed
-(CHUCKLING)

-to an old Mercury Cougar in there?
-Oh, yeah, he lost that.

For crying out loud, where is it?
We've been looking for hours.

-It's done.
-What about your car, Nick?

I said it's done.

-I'll just get the money back.
-Oh, yes.

Bill collectors are reasonable

-people, right?
-That makes sense.

You better keep your mouth shut,
Winston!

I'll make you a deal.
I'll keep my mouth shut

if you pay me the money
Nick owes me.

Are you trying to blackmail me?

(GRUNTS)

You don't scare me, Jess.

(SHOUTING)

(BOTH SHOUTING)

God.

How much does Nick owe you?

-$1,900.
-(SPLUTTERS)

Yeah, but what is money anyway?

You know, it's just paper
that some king on the mountains

said was worth something.

You know? Gold, I understand.

It's shiny and you can make
jewelry out of it.

Silver?

Put a werewolf in front of him,
he's dead.

Brass creates the bells

that make sound
throughout the land.

But we kill each other
for paper.

I gotta tell you, man,
that's sad.

You give me $50, I'll show you
my private parts.

(LAUGHS, SPLUTTERS)

Nicholas, good yontef.

Are you well?

No, but good yontef.

You know,
I'm all steamed up.

This money thing is
tearing me apart, Schmidt.

All right, well, if it's
bothering you that much,

-why don't you just give it away?
-Son of a bitch!

Not, not to me, Nick,
to charity,

or tzedakah as my
people call it.

-That's what your people do?
-Yeah.

You beautiful genius.
(LAUGHS)

I like that.
That frees me of my worries.

-Oh, look at that! Another mitzvah!
-I'm two for two today.

-Yeah! Mitzvah!
-Nice. I saved a man.

-Oh, my God.
-You know,

there was a lowly bike messenger.
Was just riding along, choking

-on his gum.
-Oh, geez.

And I performed Heimlich's
maneuver on him, rescued him.

-Great.
-Yeah, who's the good man now?

You're almost
forced to admit it.

Almost... you're almost
forced to admit it.

-Yeah, I know.
-I'm a hero, Nick, now...

just tell me that I'm a good
man. I really need to hear it.

I don't even know if I'm a good person.
I'm not the guy to ask.

-I have my moods.
-But we're not talking about you.

We're talking about me right now

so it'd be really nice
if you could say that.

-I'm ready to do a tzatziki.
-Tzedakah.

This is not about
tzedakah right now.

This is about me being a good
man and you telling me that.

-Absolutely.
-So, well, say it.

-You got it.
-Say that I'm a good man.

I'm giving away my money.
I've been trying to listen

-to you this whole time!
-Damn it, Nick!

You are so drunk right now,

-and at the bar you work at, no less.
-Yeah.

What happens with
the rest of your day?

Do you even think
about that?

You don't understand
drinking at all.

Don't go.

Heathcliff.

Hi, I'd like to unpay
some parking tickets.

-Excuse me?
-Well, I sent in a payment

earlier for some tickets

and I decided I don't
want to pay them.

Well, just cancel the checks.

I can't do that
'cause I paid cash

'cause my boyfriend
doesn't believe in banks.

It's early in
the relationship.

Still shaving above the knee
if you know what I mean.

Mm-hmm.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Let me get this straight--
you want me to watch the mail

and let you know if I see
anything from your boyfriend.

-Exactly.
-Fantastic-- should I call you or...

-Text, text would be great.
-Perfect.

Let me put your number
into my phone.

I didn't give you
my number yet.

Oh, I think you did.

NICK: It's your lucky day,
old friend.

I had an interesting
talk with Schmidt,

and I've decided
to give away my fortune.

So, what do I owe you?

How much money d...?
Uh...

Hey, guys,
what's going on?

Hey, Jess, um...

It's tzatziki
is what it's called.

It's a Jewish charity.

Nick was just about to pay me
the money that he owes me.

Wait!

Come on, what are you doing?

I'm, uh, I'm lubing up, Sally...

From ankles to ears?

The door's locked--
you want me to bust in?

Son of a...

It opened!

Where are you?

Um, I just was hot,
I wanted some shade.

Oh, done that.

Take my money?

Winston!

It was me, it was me, it was me.

I'm so sorry,
I went through your box--

I just couldn't help it--
and I paid some

of your bills,
and I'm so sorry I...

Hey, Nick...

You gonna
leave me here?

Nick...
That's fair.

-There he is, alive and well.
-Yeah.

Mazel.

I br-brought you these.

How's my brave little soldier
doing, huh?

Not great.

They said that I'm never gonna
be able to ride a bike again,

-so there goes my job.
-Sure, sure.

Do you think
that I'm a good person?

I... I don't really know you.

-I can't...
-Well, what more do you need to know?

If not for me, you probably
would have died today.

Well, somebody probably
would have come along.

Just say that I'm a good person.

-Well, I mean...
-Why is that so hard for you to say?

-Ow!
-I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

-You're, you're a good person.
-I am? You really think so?

-Very good.
-Thank you for saying that.

-Yeah.
-That really means...

it means a lot.
(CHUCKLES)

I finally feel
like I can breathe again.

Good.
(SIGHS)

What happ...
what happened to him?

Well, he got smoked by a bus while he was
having a bake sale for cancer kids.

For, for canc-- for cancer kids?

-Yeah.
-But he, he's, he's a great person.

Bad things happen to good people
all the time.

Of course they do.

What am I even chasing here?

What is the point
of being a good person?

Some say moral integrity is
the cornerstone to humanity.

What do you know, you idiot? You
choked on a piece of gum today.

Hey, man, don't shoot
the bike messenger.

That is a terrible joke!

And none of this makes
any sense!

Hey, Nick.

(SIGHS)
Look,

I know you're really angry,
you have a right to be.

I have the right to be?

I mean, why do you feel
like you need to fix me?

It's like you think
you know better.

Well, I m... I might know
better than you.

-(SCOFFS)
-Did you start a corporation?

-Was it Fat Face?
-I think so.

-Yeah.
-Well, you're getting taxed like crazy.

Well, that's because I thought
I was filing a patent.

Fat Face is an invention?

Kind of-- in its intention
it was suppo-- it... (GRUNTS)

-Are you a lifeguard?
-No, that is a false certificate.

-Just a classic beach prank.
-That seems dangerous.

It's funny, 'cause I...
I can't swim.

Everyone was watching me, and
I'm like, "I don't know..."

I was 13!

I was 26.

This is the problem
with the box. It's my private stuff.

You've never once done
jury duty or paid your taxes.

Not until gay marriage
is legal everywhere.

I stand by that.

And I don't want to do
jury duty or pay taxes.

Nick, you're in so much debt,
it's crazy.

-Okay.
-You have to deal with this stuff.

No, I don't, Jess,
it's in my box.

That's not true, though.

It's not a perfect
system, Jess,

but it's mine, okay?
And it's private.

Well, I'm sorry I went
through your damn box,

but I was just
trying to help you, Nick.

So maybe I'll
try to help you.

What if I went
into your box?

-Not that. I like that box,
-Stop it!

but I'm mad at you...

(SNAPS FINGERS)

I'm back to
"You disrespected me."

-I was just trying to help.
-Well, then, how about this:

Two can help, okay?

And if two are going to help,
then I'll be one of them

'cause two can tango
on this dance,

okay? So, you want to waltz?

Well, you picked the
wrong dance partner.

Two can play.

What?
It's not a...

Who needs changing, huh,
who needs fixing?

-Really...
-I'll go through your personal drawers

and see what needs changing.

What are you, a zoo elephant?

Those are my night peanuts.

There shouldn't be day peanuts
and night peanuts!

They're just peanuts!

I'm sorry,
why is that weird?

You just have a bunch of boxes?
I would change that.

-Oh, you have a bunch of metal toothpicks.
-They're bobby pins.

-What's a bobby pin?
-It keeps your hair back.

You need Bobby's pins
to put your hair up?

It's bobby pins,
not Bobby's pins.

-What is this?
-Yarn.

What are you knitting,
a mansion?

Oh, look at this.
What do we have here?

A bunch of beat-up old sacks.

-My vintage purses.
-Well, you know what?

-They could be sexier.
-You want my purses to be sexier?

Would it kill you to
get something sleek,

covered in gems for once?

You want my purses
to be covered in gemstones?

All guys do!
That's what we think is sexy!

We want to be playing a
saxophone in an alley

and have you walk by

in a miniskirt
with a purse with gems.

-But you girls don't listen!
-What?

-Changing!
-No! Nick, no!

-This all is changing. This all...
-No, no, stop! That's disrespectful!

-Gone!
-Nick, stop it!

No! This is the grossest thing
I've ever seen in my life!

-I got that for a nickel.
-That's disgusting!

You're just trying
to get a rise out of me.

Oh, my God!

I've gotten a lot
of compliments on that one.

-Gone!
-Nick!

-What?
-Stop it!

Look, I like you
the way you are.

I'm just asking you
to grow a little.

Are we ever gonna get to the point
where you stop working on me?

Instead of changing me,

maybe once, Jess,
see it my way.

Well, your way's crazy,
and illegal.

This is me,
take it or leave it.

I'm not changing
for anyone.

Hey, where are you going?

If you have something
to say, just say it.

Don't write me
a note or...

That's the money I spent.

Do what you want with it.

Thank you.

Couple of best friend horses.
That's neat.

What else can you get on...

(SIGHS)

It doesn't make any sense.

Can you not see
I'm in the middle

of a bar mitzvah class here?

Yeah, well,
they should hear this.

A man helping cancer kids
got creamed by a bus today.

Everything happens
for a reason.

But what if it doesn't
happen for a reason?

Maybe... maybe there aren't
any good guys and bad guys.

Maybe there are just
winners and losers.

I was beating myself up,
but maybe I should... (LAUGHS)

maybe I should have
been celebrating.

-Have you ever dated two women at once?
-What are you talking about?

I went to camp-- they used
to call me the octopus.

-Clearly, you have not, sir.
-That's enough.

You get out of
here right now!

-Out.
-Don't you "out" me.

-Get out, get...
-Getting a little handsy there, Rabbi.

-Get out!
-You know what I realize?

Nothing matters,
and that's great. You know why?

Because if nothing matters, we
can do whatever we want, Rabbi.

(LAUGHTER)

Avram! Julio!

Get away from me, man.

Kick his ass!

All right, okay.

YOLO! YOLO!

Nick's right.

I have too many purses.

You're addicted to purses.

I'm addicted to development
fluid-- I get it.

This one's for meat,
and this one's for shells.

You know what?

-Keep them. They're yours.
-Okay, thanks.

Also, heads up-- the ass
of your pants is missing.

It's for the kitty cats.

(PHONE RINGING)

-My phone's ringing.
-Sure.

-(LAUGHS)
-Hello?

I'm like a pretty lady.

What's happening?

I'm sorry
to bother you, Miss Day,

but this man was trying
to open an account

with a check in your name
and a paper bag full of money.

Would you please stop hovering?
I'm being cooperative.

It's fine. He's okay.

Thank you, though.

Opening a bank account, huh?

Yeah, I, uh...

-I realized something.
-What?

I'd do anything for you, Jess.

Hey.

Thank you.

All right, Mr. Miller,

your checking account
is good to go.

Oh, there's just
an eight dollar processing fee.

Eight dollars?
That's a very specific amount.

That's fine-- it's your
world, your rules, so...

Excellent.

You go to the castle,
you got to pay the king.

What is processing?
What does that mean?

It's just a word you use
to make more money off of us.

-That makes me mad!
-Me, too, yeah.

Hey, how about this?
What's a bank?

-Yeah.
-It's just a paper bag...

-That's right. Yes!
-With walls.

You're making some really,

really, really good points,
ma'am.

You are the puppeteers
that puppet the world.

NICK:
No more banks!

Or some banks-- I don't care!

But I want my money on a boat!

JESS:
I understood at least 30%

of the financial crisis,

and guess what I got from that?

-You... suck!
-Yeah.

You suck so hard!

And now, I'm gonna process
this man's face,

'cause I think he's great.

And I'm crazy about him.

Fine, I'll waive the fee.

Yeah!

We won eight dollars!

Just wait till
you have children.

(SCOFFS) You'll never
touch each other again.

(SCOFFS)

JESS: Banks suck!
Banks suck! Banks suck!

(NICK LAUGHS)

What the hell
happened to you?

Got beat up
by some rabbis.

Well, Winston,
we're all alone.

Nothing matters.

But you know what?
Look, Schmidt, stop, all right?

You're a good man.

You did a bad thing--
doesn't make you bad.

We just have to try
to be better, you know?

Been waiting all day for
somebody to tell me that.

I... I really appreciate it.
Thank you.

I want you to have something.

Winston, literally, a gift
is the last thing I des...

This is...
There you go.

This is a candelabra.

Yeah.

I bought it with the money
that Nick owed me.

-This is what you spent it on?
-And now it's yours.

-Uh-huh.
-May it illuminate your path

and lead you...
out of the darkness.

That's what it says
on the bottom.

May it illuminate your path, lead you out

-of darkness.
-Wow.

Uh, uh, thank you
for this-- really.

Look at it every single day
and tell yourself:

"I'm a good person,"
'cause you are.

You know what
I might do, though?

And it might seem like
the opposite, but

what I'm actually thinking is,

maybe I'll just put it
away somewhere, like in--

I don't know-- in the
back of my closet

so to keep it
away from thieves.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

-Can you be honest with me real quick?
-Mm-hmm.

How many times did
you rub this thing

and think a genie
was gonna come out?

I ain't gonna lie
to you man.

-I rubbed it, like, three times. Yeah.
-Yeah.

-I thought so.
-You know, I'm not...

If a genie did come out,
what would you wish for?

More candelabras.
Yeah, I bet.