Original subtitles

JESS: Thanks for helping me with my school dance.

"Love is forever and ever...

"And ever..."

How many "and evers"?

Technically, infinity, but I could only fit 12.

Wow, this is gonna be tough for you, huh?

Yes. Foster said we couldn't afford it,

but I really stuck my neck out for this dance.

No, I... I mean because the theme of the dance is,

"Love is Forever," and...

Nick, and the breakup...

What? No. Cece, look.

You remember what school dances were like for me.

They were miserable. I was just waiting in the bathroom

for Tim Keymaker to magically appear and ask me out.

I remember. I was smoking in the stall next to you.

We get it, you were bad.

I just don't want it to be like it was for me.

I want them to have an incredible time.

My life is a bit of a mess right now, but the one thing I can do

-is throw an amazing dance for them. -(DOOR OPENS)

"Love is forever and ever and ever."

What is, what is this?

The theme of Jess' school dance.

-That's pretty ironic, huh? -Jess, you poor thing.

-Come-come here. Come here. -What?

-JESS: What? -Just there.

-What are you doing? -All right.

Uh-huh. Okay.

Oh, I know. I know.

-I know. -What's happening?

I got hug number two locked and loaded.

Soft or hard, it's up to you.

-I know. -Schmidt...

(SINGING) Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Jess!

Ay-ay-ay, I needed a shvitz.

Ech, me, too.

My arms are so sore. I've been doing so many push-ups.

That seems like a lie.

No, I'm trying to stay fit after the breakup.

I've been eating salads. You know, no dressing.

Mostly just the protein.

What kind of salads you been eating?

The little chopped-up pieces of ham.

Just the ham?

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm.

I don't like the lettuce. I think it's gross to eat stuff

-that already... It's green. -Well, look, you know, baby steps.

It's not baby steps. There are some pretty big pieces of ham.

-Okay. -It's... You know, it's good.

I-I genuinely miss goofing around with Jess.

Breakups aren't supposed to be easy, so...

Wow, that's really mature of you, man.

We're doing something where we're...

We're not allowed to be in a room alone together

-without Winston. -Mm.

'Cause he just naturally takes the sexual tension out of a room.

What'd you guys want?

You see? I'm proud of you. That's what I'm talking about. We're men.

We've felt pain, we've survived it. Look at me.

I'm watching Cece drool over some 20-year-old.

How could she be interested in a boy when she could have these ripe berries?

-Look at these, Nick. -Put your towel down.

Oh, God, I need a shvitz.

Why does my sweat smell like asparagus?

He does take all the sexual tension out of a room.

Man, I heat up every room I walk into.

Put me next to a dozen eggs. They hatchin'. You know why?

'Cause I got the heat of a mother hen.

There was no sexual tension in here before he got here.

Keep telling yourself that, Nick.

Congrats, chaperones!

With your help, tonight is going to be unforgettable.

I didn't sign up for this.

No, you didn't. None of you did.

In fact, none of you have ever, ever signed up for any school event, ever.

Which means you've never felt the joy

of exchanging your free time for a child's smile.

I never volunteer because of my Munchausen syndrome.

Are we getting paid?

You will get paid, um, actually, in attractive hats that I made.

They say "chaperone."

(CHUCKLES)

And Gary the Janitor has one that says "clean up crew."

You call me Gary the Janitor

as if me being a janitor is my whole identity.

It's like someone calling you Jess the Third-Hottest White Teacher.

Okay.

Are we done? I'm gonna say we're done.

-Yeah. -Okay.

-(BELL RINGING) -Thank-thanks, guys. Good-good meeting.

BIOLOGY TEACHER: I don't know where I'm supposed to be right now.

Thanks, guys. It's gonna be great!

You don't have to wear that, Coach.

As far as I'm concerned, this dance starts now.

I know how important this dance is to you. Those kids won't get away with anything.

If they want to bang, they're gonna have to bang through me.

Wait.

If they want to bang, they're gonna have to bang through me!

Wait.

Hey, Wendy.

Whoa!

That shirt's scary! Whoa.

You going to the dance tonight?

My mom's making me go.

Making you go to the best night of your life?

Your mom sounds really cool.

Come on, at your age, love is forever and ever and ever.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY) What are you gonna wear?

This shirt.

Oh. Oh!

That is the best idea I've heard all week.

Whoa! Scary shirt!

We all think that you're an idiot for dating this 14-year-old.

-(LAUGHS) -He's 20.

That means he was seven when Good Will Hunting came out.

Seven, Cece. Good Will Hunting.

You know what? Let me go, let me go, let me go.

Um, check this out. Cece's boyfriend is so young that...

(LAUGHING) It'll come back to me.

Buster is more of a man than all of you.

Okay? He's been to, like, 40 countries, he builds boats,

he used to train snakes with his uncle.

Earning a respectable wage,

wearing a proper-hanging pair of slacks,

ordering sushi like a sick-ass boss...

These things a man maketh.

So stupid stuff that you do.

I know that technically you guys are men,

but all you do is hang out with each other, like you're 12.

What do you know? You're just a stupid girl.

-(LAUGHTER) -WINSTON: Okay, I got it, I got it. Okay.

Cece's boyfriend is so young that...

-How-how young is he? -Winston.

'Cause everybody wants to know.

It's not working, man. I'm serious.

-I'm at my wit's end with you. -Mm. What?

Wait a minute. Why's the door locked?

The dance starts in five minutes.

ROSE: Okay. JESS: Gary!

Thank God you're here. Can you unlock the door?

No. I didn't put that there.

What? Who else could have done it?

We can't start the dance if the door's locked.

Don't tell me I wore my raw denim for no reason.

-Don't you dare tell me that! -I am not telling you that.

So the dance is cancelled, then?

No, no, no. There is gonna be a dance.

It's gonna be great and perfect and lovely

and it will celebrate love is forever and ever and ever.

Where are you guys going?

In life, nowhere.

But I know I don't want to be here.

Guys, please stay. It would really mean a lot to me.

Boring.

It's Jess. All of her chaperones just bailed,

and she needs help.

A lady needs help?

Is that a job for a boy...

-No. -Or a...

-Man! -...man?

SCHMIDT, NICK AND WINSTON: Men! Men! Men!

Men! Men! Men! Men! Men!

Well, the dummy patrol is ready.

-Men! Men! -Men! Aah!

Men. Man!

-So stupid. -Seriously, are you okay for real?

-You got any ice? -Dude, rub his shoulder.

Rub his shoulder. I'll get ice. I'll get ice.

...my shoulder go into his. You all right?

-Ow, man! -Okay, all right, just sit back.

-(LOUD GROANING) -Nick, get the ice!

How do you know how to do that?

Well, a tire iron is actually strong enough

to break through a high-carbon steel steering wheel lock,

so, you know, I figured I'd work with this.

(QUIETLY) Cece scares me sometimes.

It's just the tip of the iceberg, my friend.

-Got it. There we go. -Oh! Yes!

-Now we're cooking with gas. -Yes!

JESS: Everything's back on track, guys!

This bike lock was a real punk move. Seems like there's a lot of punks here.

Did you do this? Hey. Did you do this?

-Huh? Did you do this? -COACH: Hey, easy, easy.

If anyone's messing with this dance, it's one of those teachers.

Those hats were begging for payback.

-Let's do this. -Hey.

Listen up, chaperones.

You will obey all of my instructions. This means everything to Jess.

Your asses belong to me now.

Which means I currently have four asses.

The three of yours and mine.

I think we're capable of handling a bunch of prepubescent kids.

Do you think you are tough, Winston?

You have no idea what these little bastards are capable of.

I mean, I love them. I love them with all my heart.

But they will hurt your feelings sometimes.

SCHMIDT: He's right.

I remember sticks and stones may break your bones,

but not if you're a fat kid with calcium deficiency.

Schmidt, you're on snack table duty. Keep the chip bowls full.

Don't let the kids spike the punch.

And make sure Diabetic Amy only has four cookies.

Diabetic Amy ain't gonna get no cookies on my watch.

No, she-she has to have at least two or she'll pass out.

She's getting nothing as far as I'm concerned.

At least two, at least two or she'll pass out.

-All right, Winston? Dance floor duty. -Yes, sir.

Ooh, you shouldn't have said that, man,

that is the perfect place for me right now.

-I got so much heat coming off me, man. -No.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No heat.

-Ooh, ooh, ooh. -No heat. Hey, hey, hey.

None. Hey, look at me. No heat.

The opposite of heat. Six inches separation at all times.

Nobody's getting pregnant tonight.

That's the same thing I say on my dates.

-(WHOOPS) -Not cool.

-Let's hit it. -Hey, hey.

Saving the best for last?

Oh, I'm sorry, Nick, uh, you're not chaperone material.

I've been at this job for a few weeks now and I know the stink of a bad kid.

That makes me the perfect candidate to be a chaperone.

Coach. Just think about it. I can get in the mind of a bad kid.

Think like 'em. I can go deep. I can go too deep.

I'm gonna put you in the parking lot to sweep for stragglers.

-You want me on the streets. -It's not that important of a job.

I won't let you down.

I'm not gonna let you down!

You taking a... A break right now?

(SINGING) The fall You gave me nothing at all

But still you're in my way

I beg and borrow and steal

At first sight and it's real

I didn't know I would feel it

When the heat moves you, you got to move...

Okay, no heat. No heat. No heat, Bishop, no heat.

Keep that heat locked up. (CHUCKLES)

Keep that heat...

(SINGS ALONG) Think you're going, baby

I, this is... (MUMBLES)

Crazy

Put that heat away, Bishop.

Huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You got that, man. You got...

What are you looking at?

Cool mustache.

(SHORT LAUGH)

Too much heat. (LAUGHS)

Too much heat.

All right, kids, let's use the serving tongs.

This isn't Appalachia.

Hurry up, everybody, before Justin eats everything.

Son, I don't think you meant to hurt Justin's feelings, there.

What's going on, really?

-Are the parents fighting at home? -(SCOFFS)

Leave me alone, flamer.

Flamer?

You're the... You're the flamer, pal.

-You're the flamer. -You're the flamer.

-Flamer. -Stop saying that word, it's prob...

Probably offensive to some people, you flamer.

Flamer, flamer.

-Yeah, take a doughnut, there, you flamer. -Flamer.

Schmidt. I got a bit of a situation here.

Um, thoughts? Advice?

JESS: What now?

Aw, son of a b... Penis.

Ah, that wasn't better.

Sorry, everyone.

You were right.

Someone's trying to mess with my dance.

Hmm. (SNIFFS) It's paste.

And it's fresh.

(HUMMING A TUNE)

(SINGING) Banana in the dark

Uh-oh.

You ruined my dance.

I can smell the paste. Perpetrator.

-(WHISPERING) He's in there. -Oh.

Okay, when we get in there,

I'm going to be good cop, you be bad cop, okay?

Got it.

JESS: There are two ways this can go.

Number one, you tell us why you ruined the dance.

Number two, I bash your skull in with a carburetor!

(WHIMPERS)

-I thought I was bad cop. -You are the bad cop.

I'm the tough, competent cop, who's good at her job,

you're the kind of fumbly, dumb cop

who's... Who's nice and...

Yeah, that's not how it works, though. I mean,

the good cop is nice and the bad cop is mean.

That would be nice cop, mean cop.

That's how it works on every cop show, when you watch it.

I watch cop shows.

-You need to pay more attention. -I do pay attention...

What do you awful women want?

We want to know

why you locked the door and poured glue in the breaker.

I didn't do any of that.

Why would anybody want to ruin such a magical night?

Uh, you're the only one who wanted to have this stupid dance.

Revenge would be my guess.

What do you know?

Well, you have the grip of a much taller woman.

(WHISPERS) And I don't not like that.

CECE: Ugh.

(WHISTLES)

...some fireworks or something.

What's up, gentlemen?

Just hanging out outside in the parking lot?

We're not doing anything. We don't need a chaperone.

(LAUGHS) Calling me a 'rone?

I'm not a 'rone. I'm basically the same guy as you.

We're wearing the same shirt.

I'm a good guy, I'm having fun. I'm just...

I'm bored in there, I'm looking to hang out.

Is that a crime, officers?

Say, you guys got any billy whizz?

Any juice, any sweet Mary Jane? I'm looking.

Okay, if you're really not a chaperone...

Why don't you take a sip of this?

Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I got nothing to prove.

Are you a 'rone or not?

Give me that.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

What is that? Is that a suicide?

-The soda flavors all mixed together. -You know it, bro.

-That was super intense. (LAUGHS) -(STUDENT LAUGHS)

Sorry, I spit some of it up.

He's cool.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, buddy, uh...

Tommy, is it? I just... I just wanted to apologize

for what happened before, kiddo.

What, are you gonna propose to me, now?

(BOYS LAUGH)

(LAUGHS)

That's funny. No, I... I get it. You know, when I...

When I was young, I too found that humor can be a useful tool.

Dude, get up, I'm not gonna marry you.

(SHORT LAUGH)

I, too, found that humor can be a... (CLEARS THROAT) A useful tool.

And then you grow up and you become a man.

Well, you smell like a woman.

That's it, enough is enough with you.

You think you're a tough guy, tough guy? Prove it, man.

Name the time and place.

15 minutes. Parking lot.

-Fist fight? -Foot race.

-A what? -Yeah, you heard me.

Foot race, man.

I'll run circles around you and all your pals.

-(GIGGLING) -Oh.

You girls are multiplying like bunnies. (CHUCKLES) That's weird.

Lot more of you than there is of me.

(WINSTON GIGGLES)

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

We should lock all the doors. No one gets in, no one gets out.

The culprit's inside. It's friggin' Gosford Park!

You need to just calm down a little, Jess.

I can't calm down! I want this to be perfect.

I know, but it's too late for that, okay?

There are kids doing their homework in there.

It's bleak.

I know after what happened with Nick you wanted this to go great,

but it's not your fault that the dance got messed up, all right?

You'll get 'em next time.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Oh, that was a sugar rush, man. That's a buzz in the brain!

-Ooh, ooh! -(LAUGHS)

You guys see how high I just got?

(LAUGHTER)

(GROANS)

I'm good.

He ain't a 'rone. Too dumb.

Aw, this is fun, man! I miss this!

I really do, man. Let's keep going.

Let's get burgers. Meet some girls.

Different ages, man. It's so early!

Hey, we got something to show you.

(SIGHS)

Look, guys, we had a lot of fun,

but we can get in a lot of trouble for doing this.

Which is why you gotta run really fast when it goes off.

Like now!

-Oh, dude! -Go! I mean it! Go!

(LAUGHING)

-Oh, my God! -Yeah!

Yeah!

What are we gonna do now?

NICK: Let's ride. BOY: Oh, hell yeah!

(GASPS)

Wendy?

(GROANS) Busted.

Well, you really did come prepared, Wendy. A wrench...

Some glue...

A box of tampons? What were you gonna do with this?

Um...

Oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

So you really didn't want the dance to happen?

None of the boys want to dance with me.

-Jess? -Hey, Cece.

-Hey. -This is Wendy.

She was just telling me how she doesn't like to dance with boys.

(MOUTHING)

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)

-Yeah. -Well, that makes sense

because boys are the dumbest.

You're just saying that.

-No. No, no. -No.

Cece and I have met so many boys, and they are all so dumb.

Yeah, and I've met more than her, so...

Yeah, and Cece has met more than me because she is...

Nicer than me.

-Nicer? -I just mean you've met...

-'Cause you're well-traveled. -"Well-traveled"

-is how we're gonna say it? -I mean...

-You better tread lightly. I will... -Travel... You travel a lot.

Mm-hmm.

I don't think I'm ever gonna dance with a boy.

Listen, are boys dumb?

Yes. Yes.

Do they do disappointing, stupid, stupid things

that really hurt your feelings? Yes.

Sometimes things don't work out the way you plan them.

Actually, they never work out the way you plan them,

but, in the end, it's all worth it,

and that's why you have to try.

Are you talking about sex or dancing?

-Dancing. -Oh, God.

-Dancing, dancing. -Dancing.

-Upright dancing. -We're talking about dancing.

Okay. I'll try.

So let's get back out there.

Oh, Cece, it's okay. There's no light, no music.

The dance is over.

Oh, no, this dance is not over.

We just need to find some stupid boys.

You look so slow.

Like a s... Like a s...

Super dumb, slow turtle.

-I'm so fast, and you're so old. -So much like a...

Like a turtle, it's crazy to me.

Are we gonna do this or what?

Oh, yeah, we're gonna do this. I'm like a Hebrew cheetah.

On the count of three.

One...

Two...

Thr... Flo-Jo!

(WINSTON WHIMPERING)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

-SCHMIDT: Flo-Jo! -(GIRLS SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT SCREAMING, SHOUTING)

What are you doing?

(SHOUTING, SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(SHOUTING, SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

-(BLOWING WHISTLE) -(SCREAMING STOPS)

Hello!

(SCREAMING)

Yeah! Yeah!

-(GRUNTS) Man! -(LAUGHING)

-What is your problem, man? -I wasn't driving!

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

Are you kidding me?

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

All students inside now!

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

You three are the worst chaperones possible on earth.

A dog would be better than you.

A plant wearing underwear would be better than you.

Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you!

Wh...

What kind of men are you?

-(DOOR OPENS) -JESS: Hey!

Stupid boys!

We need ya.

Who's ready to have a good time?

The lights went out, and you made your own light.

(CHEERING)

The music went out, and we're gonna make our own music.

(CHEERING)

We have a very special guest for you tonight.

Please give a big Coolidge Middle School welcome

to the Dumbest Boys in School!

(CHEERING)

I thought we were going with Sweet Surrender.

This won't be good.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Calm down, girls. Don't get crazy. Just calm down.

CECE: Okay, Coolidge, get ready to hit the dance floor

in three, two, one! (WHOOPS)

Aw, yeah. All right.

(BEATBOXING)

Rap battle. 8 Mile.

This one goes out to your vice principal and my friend, Jessica Day.

(RAPPING) I don't wear indigo I don't wear teal

You better look out You know that's right

That's right 'cause-'cause Schmidt is for real, mmm

I take that back, actually

I do wear teal sometimes

When I say "sometimes," you say "teal." Sometimes!

-ALL: Teal! -Sometimes!

-Teal! -Sometimes!

-Teal! -Mic drop.

(CHEERING)

-What's up, what's up, what's up? -(CHEERING)

Anybody here from Chicago? Chicago, Illinois?

City of Big Shoulders, Big Dreams!

That would make sense. You guys go to school here.

You're just kids, so you're all from here. Somebody else go.

-That was it? -Yeah.

(SCREAMING)

(RAPPING) Gonna be a cop Straight walking a beat

Role model, out on the street

Unless I get assigned to a desk Which is also vital

Because when paperwork slides That's how you get a mistrial

When I say "miss," you say "trial."

-Miss. -ALL: Trial.

I said, when I say "miss," you say "trial."

Miss, unless you trying to die.

-NICK: What, are you nuts? -Then know who you are.

-A whole carton of dumbasses. -WINSTON: Ruin them khakis you got on.

-Thank you all very much! Thank you! -I'm just saying, they're wearing light...

-NICK: Hey, they're kids. -Good idea, Todd.

WINSTON: ...also got to die. NICK: Ow!

MICHAEL FRANTI: One, two, one, two.

Here we go.

(SINGING) I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

This is what it sounds like

Oh... Oh

I'm alive

(WHISTLING ALONG TO MUSIC)

This is what it sounds like

Oh, oh, I'm alive...