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1
00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:03,128
SCHMIDT: Hey, Elizabeth,
what are we doing tonight?
2
00:00:03,212 --> 00:00:04,463
ELIZABETH: (OVER PHONE) Dexter and pie.
3
00:00:04,546 --> 00:00:06,048
SCHMIDT: Girl, you treat me right.
4
00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,759
-Hey, there she is, my one and only.
-(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
5
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:09,843
(PHONE CLATTERS)
6
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,679
Oh, thank God, coffee.
7
00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:14,806
-I barely slept last night.
-Yeah, me, too.
8
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,935
I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes
when you jammed that sock down my throat.
9
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,270
-I aim to please.
-JESS: Aw...
10
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,897
Hey, why don't we all go on a double date?
11
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,024
-What are you guys doing tonight?
-Yeah.
12
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:25,859
-Tonight?
-Yeah.
13
00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:27,319
-Today's tonight?
-Yeah.
14
00:00:27,569 --> 00:00:29,571
Tonight... meaning changes
every day, doesn't it?
15
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:31,406
-JESS: Come on, Schmidt.
-I'm sure he's got other plans.
16
00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:34,451
-You've got other plans, right?
-Plans? (CHUCKLES) Not me.
17
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:38,330
-I don't even... I mean... Yeah!
-What the hell is going on?
18
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:39,456
What?
19
00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:43,627
(SINGING) Double-double
Double-double date!
20
00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:45,337
Rock, rock and roll.
21
00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:47,339
I don't think I exactly understand
22
00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:49,383
the energy here, but yeah,
I mean, it sounds great.
23
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:52,094
Hey, you want to split
that pasta from last night, hmm?
24
00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:56,223
(SINGING) Winston and Furguson
About to split some pasta.
25
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:57,641
(LAUGHS)
26
00:00:57,724 --> 00:01:01,854
Yeah, man, you know I got "wuv" for you.
Got nothing but love for you.
27
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:04,273
Go ahead, chill out, man,
I'll make you some coffee.
28
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,360
What?
29
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:11,071
So what are y'all
talking about, going on dates?
30
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:15,325
-Oh, y'all are talking about that.
-Okay, cool.
31
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:17,494
Nobody invited me. (CHUCKLES)
32
00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:21,832
Is it 'cause I'm single?
I mean, I-I know I'm single.
33
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,751
I'm okay with it.
It was a choice that I made...
34
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,546
as a man... to be alone.
35
00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:32,134
Don't nobody know you like you,
so I'm choosing to know myself, who I am.
36
00:01:32,718 --> 00:01:34,428
And if that's okay with you all,
can I come?
37
00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:36,346
All right, where should
we go tonight, you guys?
38
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,057
-What about that new spot Picca?
-A day-of rezzie at Picca?
39
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,309
You guys don't think I can do it, huh?
40
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,561
Well, funk that.
41
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:46,607
-Bishop can get a table at a chair store.
-JESS: Well, that's it, then.
42
00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:49,359
-Double date plus one!
-You know what would be nuts?
43
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-If I brought my cat Furguson as a date.
-Ah, don't do that.
44
00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:54,573
(CHUCKLES)
45
00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,784
(SINGING) Hey, girl
46
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:00,454
What you doing?
47
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,165
Hey, girl
48
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:05,918
Where you going?
49
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,252
Who's that girl?
50
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,629
Who's that girl?
51
00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:10,088
Who's that girl?
52
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:11,215
Who's that girl?
53
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:12,382
It's Jess!
54
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:17,846
Hey, listen.
55
00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:20,349
-(BONE CRACKLING)
-What is that sound?
56
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,769
-Sounds like a gravel driveway in there.
-Seventh grade.
57
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,605
Pumping my fist too hard
at a Weird Al show.
58
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,066
-(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
-Go away!
59
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,651
Hey, Jess, can you talk? Oh.
60
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:32,611
Yeah, yeah, totally. How'd I get so lucky?
61
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:33,779
My bro and my ho.
62
00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:36,448
-My penis... it's gonna be exposed.
-It's okay, just cover up.
63
00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:37,574
Okay, no, but I don't feel comfortable.
64
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:40,744
-It's about Schmidt.
-Okay, I'm not involved in this at all.
65
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,330
Hiding from the world.
You can't see me, I can't see you.
66
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:47,084
I know this sounds totally paranoid,
but I think he's on drugs.
67
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,919
(LAUGHING) Schmidt on drugs?
68
00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:51,922
Okay, not getting involved starting now.
69
00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:54,424
I'm with Nick here.
You remember how hard he took it
70
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:55,634
when Lance got busted.
71
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,386
He just stared at that
yellow bracelet and cried.
72
00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,137
I know you're right, but...
73
00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:00,889
-You're coming in?
-it's just like he's had
74
00:03:00,973 --> 00:03:02,891
this crazy energy lately.
75
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,351
And did you see how insane he was
76
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,811
when we were talking
about the double date?
77
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:08,647
Also, he has just, like, stopped blinking.
78
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,399
-Is that whippits?
-Well, Nick can talk to him.
79
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,234
No, I'm not gonna talk to him.
I called that I wasn't
80
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:13,777
gonna be involved, those calls
have to be respected.
81
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,029
If you talk to him, I'll give you a treat.
82
00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:17,823
Bedroom treat or kitchen treat?
83
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,450
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Oh, I'm just a country lawyer
84
00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:23,328
and I have a very, very itchy bra.
85
00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:25,163
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Well, perhaps
I can get underneath.
86
00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:27,082
-I've got worker's hands.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
87
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:30,794
JESS: It's very itchy
in so many different little places.
88
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:33,046
-Let me see.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
89
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,464
You guys are being really,
really gross right now.
90
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:37,050
-I keep forgetting you're in here.
-I think you made a really good point.
91
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:39,553
Maybe he is just, like, really into me.
92
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:42,848
I mean, he has, like,
stepped up his bed game a lot.
93
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,600
It is so not about him anymore.
94
00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:47,060
That's disgusting. Let me know
when that treat's gonna happen.
95
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:49,229
And, Cece, I'm sorry about this,
but I'm gonna stand up
96
00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,898
and you're gonna see my penis,
and when I walk out,
97
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:52,733
you're gonna see my butt. Let's do this.
98
00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:53,859
Oh.
99
00:03:56,028 --> 00:04:00,365
Ah, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
100
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:01,658
Sorry.
101
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,121
Yeah, so that's glass.
102
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,207
(CHUCKLES) That ain't no mint.
103
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:11,168
Nope. Definitely glass,
and I swallowed that,
104
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,212
so you should consider, uh, a sign.
105
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:14,338
-Do you have a reservation?
-You know,
106
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,590
it's funny that you would ask that
because, you know, I tried to call, like,
107
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:20,385
20 times, and I couldn't get through,
but, uh, I'm looking for a reservation
108
00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,971
for tonight around 8:00 p.m.
Let's say, like, five people.
109
00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:25,807
-I have an 8:30.
-Ah, kind of had our heart set on 8:00.
110
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:26,975
Seven weeks from now.
111
00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:28,894
Wait, what, what? No, no, no, no.
112
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,688
Look, there's got to be something
that you can do.
113
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,899
Well, you could try your luck
at the community table.
114
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:38,195
Community... hell, no.
Listen, um, sorry, you don't understand.
115
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,572
This has to be an official reservation.
116
00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:42,324
-(SIGHS)
-No.
117
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:45,118
I'll tell you what, maybe this will
118
00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:49,248
change... your mind.
119
00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:57,172
-"I owe you a hundred dollars."
-Oh, hell no.
120
00:04:57,256 --> 00:05:00,467
No, that... that was supposed to be a ten.
121
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,678
(SIGHS)
122
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,268
Whoa, you got there faster than I thought.
123
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:10,936
Hey, so this is weird
and it's only gonna take
124
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:14,064
a second of your time, but, uh...
and I probably already know the answer,
125
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,732
but are you on drugs?
126
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,901
(CHUCKLES) I know the answer is no,
so I'll just see you later, man.
127
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,071
-Get in my room.
-Don't want to be part of it! (GRUNTS)
128
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:23,782
Did you crack my e-mail password?
129
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:25,784
How did you guess "smithereens"?
130
00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:28,245
Are you really on drugs?
Talk to me, Schmidt.
131
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,289
I'm in way over my head, Nick,
I'm doing something terrible.
132
00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:31,665
Well, what is it, man?
133
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,585
-You're going to get mad at me.
-I'm your best friend.
134
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:37,212
Okay, I was there for you
when you fell off the deck
135
00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:38,589
at Chester's graduation.
136
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,757
(LAUGHTER, EXCITED CHATTER)
137
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,801
-Oh, no.
-(ALL EXCLAIMING)
138
00:05:42,885 --> 00:05:44,261
And I'm here for you now.
139
00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:46,471
There's nothing you could say
that I'd get mad at.
140
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:50,017
Okay, um, I can do this.
141
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:54,980
Do you know how I broke up with Elizabeth
so that I could start dating Cece again?
142
00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:56,481
Absolutely, and it was
really hard for you.
143
00:05:56,565 --> 00:06:00,235
-Yeah, that actually never happened.
-What do you mean?
144
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,154
I'm still dating Elizabeth.
145
00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:04,072
What do you mean?
146
00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:05,782
I'm dating both of them,
and neither one of them knows it,
147
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,076
-and I feel terrible about it.
-But Elizabeth is gone.
148
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:10,537
-What do you mean?
-She's not gone.
149
00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:12,539
-So you broke up with Cece...
-I didn't break up with either of them.
150
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,291
What do you mean?
151
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,792
You process this
however you need to process it.
152
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,003
-If you want to keep talking it out...
-Which one are you dating?
153
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:19,296
-Both.
-Are you dating Cece?
154
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,839
-I'm dating Cece.
-Are you dating Elizabeth?
155
00:06:20,923 --> 00:06:21,924
-Yes.
-How do you do that?
156
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:23,634
-They made me choose.
-You have to choose.
157
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,178
-You can't have both women.
-What was I supposed to do?
158
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:27,721
What, you think you can have
a bunch of wives?
159
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,475
You got one wife!
This is the way the world works!
160
00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,519
-Why?
-I don't know.
161
00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:35,604
I feel terrible about this,
I don't know what to do.
162
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:37,564
How could you do this
with Jess's best friend?
163
00:06:37,648 --> 00:06:39,525
I don't know,
I feel really badly about it!
164
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:42,778
In your little brain,
165
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:45,697
-how do you see this ending?
-I see it ending badly.
166
00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:48,283
I see it ending very, very badly.
167
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,702
But you know what? I just... (CHUCKLES)
168
00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,246
I want to thank you, though,
169
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,705
just for being there for me
and for listening to me.
170
00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:55,749
No. I'm not listening to you
and I'm not there for you.
171
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,292
-Because now we're in this together.
-We're not in this together
172
00:06:57,376 --> 00:06:58,669
and I'm not listening
and I'm not being there,
173
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,629
so just stop telling me things!
174
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:02,965
What would you like me
to do with this information?
175
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,091
Well, it really helped me to tell you.
176
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:06,134
You should tell somebody,
get it off your chest.
177
00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:07,469
-I can't.
-You know what I mean?
178
00:07:07,553 --> 00:07:08,971
-Like... Who?
-Well, certainly not Jess.
179
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,264
-(RETCHING)
-Don't ever tell Jess.
180
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,349
-The one person you can't tell is Jess.
-(RETCHES)
181
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:18,272
Hello, Picca?
Yes, I need a table for five.
182
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,566
This is author Toni Morrison.
183
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:24,444
I am? Well, oh, yeah?
Well, I think you're a woman!
184
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,030
-Hello?
-Okay, here's what it is.
185
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,323
Just lie to her, Nick.
186
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,742
It's a relationship...
men and women lie to each other
187
00:07:30,826 --> 00:07:31,994
all the time,
it's what makes marriages work.
188
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:35,289
Just lie... (INHALES) Oh, you can lie...
189
00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:36,832
Yes, I talked to Schmidt.
190
00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:39,877
Don't act like an alien,
just lie to a woman.
191
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,963
It's... (EXHALES)
Yeah, I talked to Schmidt.
192
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,965
-It's fine, it's not a big deal.
-JESS: Hey, Nick.
193
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,050
How was your day?
194
00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,637
Nothing... (MUMBLING)
195
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:52,306
Why are you wearing a helmet?
196
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,893
Oh, hi.
197
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,271
Don't tease me, Nick.
198
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:01,356
Are we finally gonna do no-kiss sex?
199
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,901
Oh, yes.
200
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:07,362
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
201
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,910
Sorry about that.
202
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,953
(SIGHS) Look at us.
203
00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:19,291
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Community table,
like a little community.
204
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,834
(CHUCKLES)
205
00:08:25,339 --> 00:08:26,340
(GRUNTS)
206
00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:39,436
Call that seat. That's my seat.
207
00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:40,604
-WOMAN 1: Come on.
-WOMAN 2: Yeah.
208
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:44,066
Oh, no, where are y'all going?
Dibs on those seats, dibs on that.
209
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,693
Put that for me right there.
Hey, put that right there for me.
210
00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:49,071
That was amazing.
211
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:51,740
Jess, you know so many Spaceballs quotes.
212
00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:54,660
(LAUGHING) They jam the radar
with literal jam.
213
00:08:55,536 --> 00:08:57,913
Oh, hey, did you ever talk to Schmidt?
214
00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:01,792
What's going on, Nick?
215
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:05,212
Schmidt! Hey!
216
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,256
My best friend?
217
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:10,592
-You Long Island street trash!
-Damn it, Nick, you told her?
218
00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:13,011
No, he didn't tell me!
I-I happened upon it.
219
00:09:13,095 --> 00:09:14,930
Oh, you happened upon it?
Where, in the town square?
220
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,765
Jess, I never wanted to be
involved in this.
221
00:09:16,849 --> 00:09:19,101
-You're so pretty.
-Put your freakin' visor down.
222
00:09:19,852 --> 00:09:24,857
Now, you... you're gonna tell Cece
or I will, you... you crumb bum!
223
00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:26,066
-Jess...
-You crumb bum.
224
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:28,026
-Yes, well said.
-You are a lowlife.
225
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:29,570
-I get it.
-How could you do this to her?
226
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:31,238
Jess, I am so sorry.
227
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,323
I made up a dance
so everyone will be happy.
228
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:39,079
Cece's gonna walk through
that door any minute,
229
00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:40,539
and you have to tell her the truth.
230
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:43,208
Jess, please, this would wreck her.
I'm begging you.
231
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,544
I-I know you don't believe me,
but I do care about her.
232
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,297
Either you tell her or I will, Schmidt.
233
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,049
(HUMMING)
234
00:09:54,178 --> 00:09:55,429
You're right.
235
00:09:57,014 --> 00:09:58,015
I'll tell her.
236
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:00,517
(GRUNTS)
237
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:02,644
(SPUTTERS)
238
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:07,107
Yo, what it be? Double date night!
239
00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:09,985
What's, uh, what's going on?
240
00:10:10,903 --> 00:10:11,904
Tell her.
241
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:14,531
Tell her.
242
00:10:14,615 --> 00:10:16,825
Okay, okay.
243
00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:21,663
We're taking two cars.
It's faster that way because of gas.
244
00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:22,873
-No phones.
-What?
245
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,333
Here you go, I got the door, it's okay.
246
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,667
-Go!
-Go!
247
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:32,049
Cigarette, phone call, bathroom. Okay.
248
00:10:33,926 --> 00:10:35,636
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
249
00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:39,932
Sir, you're clearly alone.
We're gonna need this table.
250
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:42,643
Okay, so what do you think...
that over the past two hours,
251
00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:46,063
I, as a single person,
have ordered eight separate entrees
252
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,856
and have taken bites of different sizes
253
00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:50,984
of each of them to create some
sort of pointless illusion?
254
00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:53,987
Do you know how insane
you sound? (CHUCKLES)
255
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,533
God, I hate this job.
256
00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:02,704
-You need to slow down.
-I got it. Don't worry.
257
00:11:03,247 --> 00:11:04,373
What's going on, man?
258
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,041
You guys were acting
all so weird back there,
259
00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:07,918
and you're driving like a maniac.
260
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,921
(SIGHS) Oh, geez. You know, I didn't want
to have to say anything, but...
261
00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:13,632
-What?
-Here we go.
262
00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:16,802
-Nick is cheating on Jess! Aah!
-What?
263
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,929
Apparently, they met at some gas station.
264
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:22,516
She's much older. Much, much older.
Deeply Korean.
265
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:23,934
I just found out.
266
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,727
And, (SIGHS) I mean, Nick
is my best friend and all,
267
00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:28,939
but I can't even be in the same room
as that scumbag right now!
268
00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:31,859
Oh, I'm so mad! I'm just so, so mad!
269
00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:33,443
I'm terribly angry about
the whole situation.
270
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,070
I can't even drive. Take the wheel.
271
00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,572
-(TIRES SCREECHING)
-Oh, why, God?
272
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:37,990
He was the best of us!
273
00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:40,158
-Cece, please. You're veering everywhere.
-Sorry.
274
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:43,745
JESS: Oh, Nick, go, go!
We're gonna lose them!
275
00:11:43,829 --> 00:11:46,874
-You keep nerd-stopping at every sign!
-Look, if I get another ticket,
276
00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:48,500
they're gonna make me wear eyeglasses.
277
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:52,504
-Why didn't you get involved back there?
-Look, look, here's the reality.
278
00:11:52,588 --> 00:11:55,549
Yes, Schmidt is my best friend,
and he's also really scary.
279
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,885
You are so afraid of everything.
280
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,636
Oh, really? Would a man
afraid of everything
281
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,472
-put his finger in a cigarette lighter?
-I don't know...
282
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:04,183
Don't do that. That's just stupid!
283
00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:05,893
-I'm not gonna do that.
-You wimp. (SCREAMS)
284
00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:07,394
-Oh, my gosh!
-Oh, my God!
285
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,146
-Jess, are you okay?
-It really hurts.
286
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:10,772
-Oh, my Lord, are...
-It's so hot!
287
00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:12,232
-Come here. Are you okay?
-Yeah.
288
00:12:12,316 --> 00:12:14,026
Are you okay? Look, I'm gonna do it.
289
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,235
-Ow!
-Oh.
290
00:12:15,319 --> 00:12:16,862
-Why did you do that?
-So that we were both
291
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:18,405
in the same amount of pain!
292
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:19,865
I'm gonna junk-punch him.
293
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:21,325
Turn the car around.
We're going to the restaurant.
294
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,743
Why would you... That seems rash.
295
00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:25,412
Maybe... I don't know.
Maybe staying away for a while,
296
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:26,830
or at least... I don't know...
talking about it,
297
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:30,417
-hearing his side. I don't...
-Cheating is selfish, and it is cowardly,
298
00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:32,127
and there is no excuse for it.
299
00:12:32,628 --> 00:12:35,756
The only thing that you can do
is punch it in the junk.
300
00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:38,800
Or you could really understand it
emotionally from their point of view.
301
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:40,969
You don't know.
Maybe they had a tough childhood.
302
00:12:41,053 --> 00:12:42,804
-Turn the car around, Schmidt.
-Maybe their mom's a lesbian.
303
00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,890
-I don't know.
-Turn the car around!
304
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,642
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's turn the car around.
305
00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:47,851
Let's go to Picca.
306
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,728
I'm gonna turn the car around
as soon as I turn this...
307
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,105
-Turn the car around, Schmidt!
-As soon as I turn the car around.
308
00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:53,190
Now!
309
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:57,736
-As soon as I turn this car around...
-Turn the car around, Schmidt! Let's go!
310
00:12:57,819 --> 00:12:59,613
SCHMIDT: And I'm turning the car around.
Let's do it.
311
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:01,323
-(HORN HONKING)
-Double date, here we come.
312
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:03,158
-What is he doing?
-I don't know.
313
00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:05,285
JESS: Looks like he lost a wing.
314
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:07,538
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
315
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:12,251
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH, CLICKING TONGUE)
316
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,670
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
317
00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:21,802
Hey, Jess. Yeah, fourth message.
Just a friendly time update.
318
00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:25,347
8:13. Hope to God
you guys aren't bailing on me,
319
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:27,850
or maybe you just lost track
of time being couples!
320
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,978
(FORCED LAUGH) Hit me back.
Winnie the Bish.
321
00:13:33,689 --> 00:13:35,065
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
322
00:13:43,615 --> 00:13:45,617
We're never gonna find this restaurant,
maybe we should just go home.
323
00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:46,785
-There it is!
-Here it is.
324
00:13:47,035 --> 00:13:48,745
(TIRES SCREECH)
325
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:56,628
MAN: Welcome! Can I have your car, sir?
326
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,130
Oh.
327
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:00,465
Sir?
328
00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:03,260
Sir?
329
00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:07,347
-Sir?
-(WHISTLES)
330
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,434
(MOUTHS) I'm on the phone.
331
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:12,978
All right, time's up.
You got to get out of here.
332
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:14,855
Uh, that's my friend.
333
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:17,024
That's my friend. See?
See? I told you all.
334
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:18,192
Huh? I got friends.
335
00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:19,735
-Everybody? Hmm?
-(APPLAUSE)
336
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,236
(CLEARS THROAT)
That's my friend right there.
337
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,864
Where the hell is Nick?
How did I even beat him here?
338
00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:26,408
That was the slowest ride
of my entire life!
339
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,076
-Oh, Jess...
-Literally, my grandmother
340
00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,703
drives faster than that.
341
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:32,664
-Look, she's my best friend.
-Yeah.
342
00:14:32,748 --> 00:14:34,499
And Schmidt is mine.
That's why I didn't want to get involved.
343
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,961
Well, when someone I love
gets hurt, I get involved.
344
00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:43,258
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
345
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:48,639
-Sir?
-(KNOCKING ON CAR DOOR)
346
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,099
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
347
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:54,895
-What's up, big cat?
-MAN: Sir? Sir?
348
00:14:54,978 --> 00:14:56,980
Well, you got to go in there,
and you got to face her.
349
00:14:57,523 --> 00:15:00,484
Look, it's not about Cece.
This is about the $12 valet.
350
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,152
It's $12 to...
351
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:04,780
One sec. Hey, it's self-park!
352
00:15:05,531 --> 00:15:07,491
The maroon car is self-park!
353
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:11,787
It's an excessive amount of money.
354
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:17,125
-I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
-Look, I know you didn't, okay?
355
00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:20,212
But now it's time
you do the right thing, Schmidt.
356
00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:25,968
-I can't go in there.
-Well, I can't let Jess tell her.
357
00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:31,598
MAN: Hello? (KNOCKING) Open the door.
358
00:15:31,849 --> 00:15:34,852
-Wait, Cece!
-Oh, Jess, I have something to tell you.
359
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,144
-I have something to tell you!
-What?
360
00:15:36,228 --> 00:15:38,188
No, I have something I need to tell you.
361
00:15:38,272 --> 00:15:40,858
-(GROANING)
-Oh, my God, what are you doing, Cece?
362
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:44,111
Why did you do that? (SIGHS)
363
00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:45,821
-(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)
-Cece.
364
00:15:45,904 --> 00:15:49,616
-You nipped the corner!
-Wait, Cece. Uh... okay. I...
365
00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:50,993
Cece, he's not...
366
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,206
I lied to you. I... Mm.
367
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:01,086
I've been cheating on...
on you with Elizabeth.
368
00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:08,969
(SIGHS)
369
00:16:13,432 --> 00:16:15,309
Uh, I hate to do this right now,
370
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,978
but if we don't sit,
we will lose this table.
371
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:25,402
SCHMIDT: Cece, I'm sor... I'm sorry.
372
00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:27,446
I don't... I just...
373
00:16:27,905 --> 00:16:29,114
(CHUCKLES)
374
00:16:29,865 --> 00:16:32,743
Is there someplace maybe
we could, uh, go talk?
375
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,913
Everybody knows anyway, Schmidt.
Might as well just say it.
376
00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:39,082
Oh, let's talk. Let's... We...
This should be fine.
377
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:40,751
(SCHMIDT SIGHS)
378
00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:42,586
I didn't want to hurt you.
379
00:16:43,629 --> 00:16:45,756
You have to know that
I did not want to hurt you.
380
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:49,259
Please, I-I'm begging you.
If you take anything away from this,
381
00:16:49,343 --> 00:16:52,179
know that I did not want to hurt you.
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
382
00:16:53,222 --> 00:16:54,389
Especially you.
383
00:16:54,932 --> 00:16:58,018
(SIGHS) You have no idea
what you mean to me.
384
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,146
And I got caught up in this thing, and...
385
00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:04,900
(SIGHS) I used to be so fat.
386
00:17:05,817 --> 00:17:09,238
I mean, like... truly gigantic.
387
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:13,825
I mean, as big as...
as big... as big as it gets.
388
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:18,163
And now... and now I'm not,
and girls like me, and I don't...
389
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,958
I don't know how to do this.
390
00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:23,377
(SNIFFLES) I got lost.
391
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,547
And I'm sorry.
392
00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:28,841
You're sorry?
393
00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:32,928
You didn't want to hurt anybody?
That's the best you can do, Schmidt?
394
00:17:33,345 --> 00:17:34,513
Really?
395
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:40,185
I don't know. I don't know you.
396
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:43,438
(SNIFFLES)
397
00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:45,440
Good-bye, Schmidt.
398
00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:47,776
(SIGHS)
399
00:17:50,863 --> 00:17:51,864
(SIGHS)
400
00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:03,750
I'm just realizing that I don't have
any cash on me.
401
00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:08,964
If anyone would be willing
to loan me $12 for the valet,
402
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:12,092
that would be... greatly appreciated.
403
00:18:15,012 --> 00:18:16,471
Cece still hasn't called me.
404
00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:18,307
Do you think you could
test my phone again?
405
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:19,933
I can't. I don't have any more minutes.
406
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:24,479
Minutes, Nick?
Who still has minutes on their phone?
407
00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,940
I bought 10,000 minutes in 1999,
and I'm still using them.
408
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:30,569
I'm sorry. I just...
I-I really want to be there for her.
409
00:18:30,652 --> 00:18:32,279
You are, okay?
410
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:34,615
And she'll call, 'cause she needs you.
411
00:18:35,699 --> 00:18:39,286
(SIGHS) Hell. This is a real butt munch
of a situation we're in.
412
00:18:39,870 --> 00:18:41,038
Yeah.
413
00:18:41,496 --> 00:18:42,581
Look...
414
00:18:43,582 --> 00:18:44,833
I'm here for you.
415
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:48,003
There is nothing I know more than the fact
416
00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,714
that I want to be with you, Jess, okay?
417
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,474
Unless we're driving.
418
00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:03,018
You admitted to driving
while legally blind!
419
00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:04,478
No, because you're honestly
the worst backseat...
420
00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:06,730
You're honestly telling me
what to do the entire time!
421
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,107
-Legally blind.
-Whoever has the wheel controls the car!
422
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,776
ELIZABETH: You liar!
423
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,111
Here's your pie!
424
00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:20,369
(PLATE CLATTERS)
425
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:22,788
You broke my heart.
426
00:19:23,455 --> 00:19:25,165
Mail me my mouth guard.
427
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,294
(DOOR SLAMS)
428
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:34,049
In case you were wondering if Cece
had Elizabeth's number, she does.
429
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:36,844
So, tough time in Schmidtsburg,
wouldn't you say?
430
00:19:37,803 --> 00:19:39,429
Just a quick heads-up, Nick,
431
00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:40,514
Jess.
432
00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:42,391
I blame you for this whole thing.
433
00:19:42,641 --> 00:19:45,519
-You can't seriously...
-I was going to fix it.
434
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,272
I wasn't going to hurt anyone.
435
00:19:48,939 --> 00:19:51,358
But, since you took it upon
yourself to hurt both of them,
436
00:19:51,859 --> 00:19:55,445
should it take me the rest of my life,
I'm going to break the two of you up.
437
00:19:55,696 --> 00:19:57,865
-Bring it, Schmidt.
-It's impossible. We're really strong.
438
00:19:57,948 --> 00:20:01,243
It will be when you least expect it,
which might be when you most expect it.
439
00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:04,121
Could actually be when you're watching
the movie version
440
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,831
of What to Expect When You're Expecting.
441
00:20:05,998 --> 00:20:07,291
Regardless...
442
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,919
I... am coming...
443
00:20:11,670 --> 00:20:12,921
for you.
444
00:20:16,425 --> 00:20:19,219
Oh, my God, Schmidt is so scary.
You were right.
445
00:20:19,303 --> 00:20:21,597
We have to talk about the things
that he could use to pull us apart, okay?
446
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,473
-Okay.
-Okay, politics.
447
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:24,892
You're a Democrat, I've never voted.
448
00:20:24,975 --> 00:20:27,019
-I'm in the Green Party.
-Oh, that is so annoying.
449
00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:30,939
Okay, I have been banned
for my lifetime from Lake Ontario.
450
00:20:31,023 --> 00:20:32,024
-Don't ask.
-Okay.
451
00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:33,901
-What else do you have?
-My fear of pears.
452
00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:37,154
-Okay, you're afraid of pears?
-And pear-shaped people.
453
00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:40,199
Um, that's interesting.
I'm not convinced I know how to read.
454
00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:41,575
I've just memorized a lot of words.
455
00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:43,660
The doctors say
I might grow another 18 inches.
456
00:20:43,869 --> 00:20:44,912
That's a different image of you,
457
00:20:44,995 --> 00:20:46,914
but I'm gonna get past that,
and I'm past it.
458
00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:48,624
-Okay, the moon landing...
-Mm-hmm.
459
00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:51,418
-uh, which is obviously fake.
-No, it's not obviously fake.
460
00:20:51,502 --> 00:20:52,836
-No, that's actually not what...
-Are you crazy?
461
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,505
-The moon landing is definitely fake.
-The moon landing's not... What?
462
00:20:54,588 --> 00:20:56,340
-It's 100% fake. The shadows are off.
-No, they're not.
463
00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:58,258
Yes, they are. I've looked at photos
on the Internet, and it proves it.
464
00:20:58,342 --> 00:21:00,427
-Nick, that's...
-(REPEATS) The shadows are off!
465
00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:02,888
Shadows are not...
Those photos are Photoshopped.
466
00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:04,598
-That's not true.
-People do that as a joke
467
00:21:04,681 --> 00:21:06,225
-to trick stupid people.
-Oh, yeah, you can just Photoshop...
468
00:21:06,308 --> 00:21:07,559
Wait a minute.
469
00:21:08,227 --> 00:21:10,938
(WHISPERS) He's doing it already.
He's getting in our heads.
470
00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:13,273
Unbelievable. Good call.
Okay, this is good. Let's keep going.
471
00:21:13,357 --> 00:21:14,900
-I totally agree. Okay.
-Let's keep going. Okay.
472
00:21:14,983 --> 00:21:17,069
I kind of want to get a gun.
473
00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:19,321
I'm definitely sexually
attracted to ladybugs.
474
00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,114
Okay.
475
00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:26,703
I prefer the Kilborn Daily Show.
I think it's the best one.
476
00:21:26,870 --> 00:21:28,372
-I know that you're really into...
-It's not.
477
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:32,292
-Yes, it is. He's very charming.
-I'm weirdly good at volleyball.
478
00:21:32,543 --> 00:21:34,253
I believe horses are from outer space.
479
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:36,004
-I believe that, too!
-Okay, good.
37856
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