All language subtitles for Go Fish

[Kia]
MAKE A LIST OF WOMEN

THAT YOU THINK
ARE LESBIANS

OR THAT
YOU KNOW ARE LESBIANS

THROUGH HISTORY
OR PRESENT TIME.

EVE.

[Woman]
EVE WHO?

[Laughter]

SAPPHO.

[Man]
HANNAH HOCH.

WHO'S HANNAH HOCH?

LILY TOMLIN.

[Kia]
LILY TOMLIN.

OKAY.
WHO ELSE?

[Woman] DENNIS THE MENACE'S
NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR MARGARET.

WHITNEY HOUSTON.

KRISTY McNICHOL?

MORGAN FAIRCHILD.

ANGELA DAVIS.

MARY LOU RETTON.

MARY LOU RETTON?

VIRGINIA WOOLF.

MARILYN QUAYLE.

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN.

CHELSEA CLINTON.

[Woman]
SHE IS!

WHAT ABOUT
PEPPERMINT PATTY?

ENDORA FROM
BEWITCHED?

AGNES MOOREHEAD.
AGNES MOOREHEAD?

THE ENTIRE CAST
OF
ROSEANNE.

HA HA HA!

EXCEPT FOR DAN,
RIGHT?

EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE A QUESTION.

WHY ARE WE EVEN
MAKING THIS LIST?

IT'S COMPLETELY
SPECULATION.

THAT'S A REALLY GOOD
QUESTION.

THROUGHOUT LESBIAN HISTORY,

THERE HAS BEEN
A SERIOUS LACK OF EVIDENCE

THAT WILL TELL US

WHAT THESE WOMEN'S LIVES
WERE TRULY ABOUT.

LESBIAN LIVES
AND LESBIAN RELATIONSHIPS

BARELY EXIST ON PAPER.

IT'S WITH THAT IN MIND

AND UNDERSTANDING THE MEANING
AND POWER OF HISTORY...

THAT WE BEGIN TO WANT
TO CHANGE HISTORY.

[Max]
I FEAR THAT THE MOMENT
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET

WILL BE THWARTED.

MAYBE IT ALREADY HAS BEEN.

I THINK I SAW HER
ON THE SUBWAY YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT, "WE WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO MEET ON THE BUS."

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO
SIT NEXT TO ME,

SPILL HER SODA ON ME.

WE'D MAKE A GAME
OF CLEANING UP,

TOUCH EACH OTHER
MORE THAN NECESSARY,

GET OFF AT
THE SAME STOP, TALK.

SHE SAYS, "WELL?"
LIKE SHE FEELS DUMB

BECAUSE WE DON'T
KNOW EACH OTHER

AND WE'VE BEEN TALKING
LIKE OLD FRIENDS.

I REALIZE HOW EXCELLENT
SHE IS IN EVERY WAY.

WE KISS IN THE STREET.

WE TALK ABOUT IT
FOR YEARS LATER--

HOW WE NEVER BELIEVED
IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

UNTIL WE MET.

INSTEAD, SOME FAT MAN
GOT IN THE WAY.

SHE WAS RUSHING FOR THE BUS.
HE WADDLED AHEAD,

SPILLING THE DRINK SHE WAS
SUPPOSED TO SPILL IN
MY LAP

ON HIS INDIFFERENT SHOULDER.

SHE MISSED THE BUS
WITH ME ON IT,

AN EMPTY SEAT NEXT TO ME,
OBLIVIOUS,

THINKING ABOUT
THE TEXTURE OF RAISINS

AND SCRAPING AT GUM
STUCK TO THE SEAT IN FRONT.

I'M SURE THIS IS
WHAT HAPPENED.

THE WHOLE FIASCO PROBABLY
THREW US BOTH OUT OF WHACK.

OUR PATHS WON'T CROSS
UNTIL YEARS LATER

WHEN SHE'S FORGOTTEN
SHE'S A DYKE.

SHE'LL MOVE IN NEXT DOOR.

I'LL HAVE
A PAINFUL CRUSH ON HER.

SHE'LL BE SITTING
WITH HER BOYFRIEND,

AND SHE'LL WAVE TO ME.

I'LL GET A LILT IN MY STOMACH
WHEN SHE WAVES,

AND I'LL TRIP OVER MY CAT

AND STUMBLE
IN A 3 STOOGES WAY.

SHE'LL LOOK AWAY
LIKE SHE'S EMBARRASSED FOR ME.

I'LL FEEL REALLY DUMB.

THEN HER BOYFRIEND
WILL THINK

I SEEM LIKE
I WOULD BE FUN.

ONE MORNING, HE'LL INVITE ME
TO A SHINDIG THEY'RE HAVING.

COME ON.

I'LL GO
AND NOT KNOW ANYONE,

SIT IN THE CORNER,
PLAY WITH PISTACHIO SHELLS,

AND GIVE EACH WOMAN
A MENTAL MAKEOVER.

"WHAT IF SHE WORE
BAGGY JEANS?"

"SHE'D BE REALLY HOT
IF SHE CUT THAT PERM."

THEN DREAM GIRL WILL
INTRODUCE ME TO SOMEONE.

SHE'LL SAY, "THIS IS MATT.
SHE'S MY NEIGHBOR."

I'LL SAY, "NO.
ACTUALLY, IT'S MAX.

"IT'S MAX, LIKE,
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE."

I'LL WALK HOME SAYING,
"IT'S MAX. MY NAME IS MAX.

"WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET
ON THE BUS 2 YEARS AGO.

"WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
SITTING ON OUR COUCH,

"READING AND PLAYING FOOTSIE
ABSENT-MINDEDLY.

"MY NAME IS MAX

"I WANT TO BORROW
YOUR T-SHIRTS,

"WAKE YOU WHEN
I HAVE BAD DREAMS,

"SMILE WHEN WE'RE FIGHTING
BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO ADORABLE,

"PINCH YOUR BUTT WHEN
YOU'RE WALKING IN FRONT OF ME.

"MY NAME IS MAX.
MAKE UP A NAME FOR ME,

"SOMETHING YOU'D BE
EMBARRASSED TO CALL ME

IN PUBLIC.

"FALL IN LOVE WITH ME.

"WE WERE SUPPOSED TO MEET
SO LONG AGO.

"WE'RE WAY BEHIND.

"IT'S MAX.
MY NAME IS MAX."

[Alarm buzzing]

[Alarm stops]

SHIT.

[Kia] I WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE IN CLASS

10 MINUTES AGO.

WE'RE NOT
THAT LATE.

STOP IT. THIS IS WHY
WE'RE IN TROUBLE ANYWAY.

NO MORE SEX
AFTER MIDNIGHT.

I'M NOT
WEARING THOSE.

YOU HAVE ANY SOCKS?

YEAH. THEY'RE
IN THE TOP DRAWER.

HAVE YOU SEEN
MY LESSON PLANNER?

NO. WHY DON'T
YOU ASK MAX?

MAX, YOU UP?

YEAH.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HAVE YOU SEEN
MY LESSON PLANNER?

I THINK IT'S
ON THE FRIDGE.

I'LL GET IT.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
WAKE US UP?

I'M NOT GOING TO BARGE
INTO THE LOVE NEST.

HERE IT IS,
RIGHT HERE.

WHERE? AH, THANKS.

SO YOU REMEMBER

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO
MEET TONIGHT?

WHAT?

YOU'RE GOING TO READ
MY PAPER, REMEMBER?

IT'S GETTING
PUBLISHED.

HEY, EVY.

YOU FOUND IT.

YEAH. DON'T FORGET
TO CALL YOUR MOM.

I WON'T.

5:00, FANTA CAFE,
YOU'RE READING MY PAPER.

YOU ALREADY
SAID YES.

OKAY, OKAY.
5:00.

MOM, I HAVE TO
GO TO WORK.

1 MORE SHIFT.
I'LL BE HOME THIS EVENING.

NO DOUBLE SHIFTS TONIGHT.

IT'S JUST REALLY BUSY,

AND THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE
QUITTING, AND...

O.K., MOM.
SI, SI.

COMO NO.

TE VEO A LA NOCHE.

BYE.

MY MOM SAYS JUNIOR WAS
OVER AGAIN LAST NIGHT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY
HE'S ALWAYS OVER THERE.

ME EITHER.

BABY, WE GOT TO GO.

OKAY. MY BAG.

BYE, MAX.

[Max]
SEE YOU, EVY.

BYE, MAX.

[Max] OH, KIA.
KIA, KIA.

I'LL SEE YOU AT 5:00.

SEE YOU.

♪[Jazz music playing]

[Max] THIS PLACE
IS A DYKE-O-RAMA.

WHAT IS IT--
FREE REFILLS

IF YOU'VE EVER
KISSED A WOMAN?

WHO HAD THE ROOT BEER?
ME. THANKS.

COFFEE?

[Kia] YES, THANK YOU,
JUST A LITTLE.

SHE'S
REALLY CUTE.

[Kia] SINCE THEY OPENED,
IT'S BEEN LIKE THIS.

IT'S KIND OF COOL,

BUT IT'S THE SAME
CRUSTY BROADS.

[Max]
YOU KNOW THESE CHICKS?

[Kia]
YEAH, MOST.

[Max]
YOU TOO COOL TO SAY HI?

WHO WOULD YOU LIKE,
MOST ATTRACTIVE TO LEAST?

WE HAVE TOTALLY
DIFFERENT TASTES IN WOMEN.

ARE YOU SAYING
I DON'T HAVE

DISCRIMINATING
TASTE IN WOMEN?

I WAS A DYKE WHEN YOU
WERE IN DIAPERS, KIDDO.

I KNOW WHAT
A MATURE,

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IS.

I'M NOT SURE I'M WILLING
TO SHARE THAT WITH YOU.

HEY, DON'T CALL ME
KIDDO, GRANDMA.

WHAT DOES THAT SAY
ABOUT MY LOVER?

YOU WANTED TO
JUMP HER BONES.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

WE HAVE DIFFERENT
TASTES IN WOMEN?

THAT WAS
A WEIRD COINCIDENCE,

EVEN WEIRDER THAT SHE
CAME ON TO YOU FIRST.

I'M NOT LEAVING YOU
ALONE TOGETHER.

YOU HAVEN'T DIPPED INTO
THE HONEY POT LATELY.

THE HONEY POT? GOD,
YOU'RE SO '70s SOMETIMES.

DON'T CUT IN ON
MY NUN LIFESTYLE.

AT LEAST THOSE NUNS
ARE GETTING SOME.

DON'T REMIND ME
THAT I HAVEN'T

SLEPT WITH A WOMAN
IN 10 MONTHS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
ARE CALLING ME '70s

WHEN YOU USE VICTORIAN
LANGUAGE FOR SEX.

"SLEPT WITH"?

IT'S SEX--
SEX AS IN SAFE SEX,

AS IN FUCKING,
MAKING LOVE.

YOU CAN STOP NOW.

I'D BE MORE FAMILIAR
WITH THE TERMINOLOGY

IF I REMEMBERED
WHAT IT WAS LIKE.

HELP ME MEET
SOME HOT BABES.

NOW, WHO DO YOU THINK
IS THE CUTEST,

AND CAN YOU
INTRODUCE US?

WHO DO YOU WISH
TO BE INTRODUCED TO?

YOU TELL.

IT'S YOUR LIBIDO.

TELL ME.

WELL, O.K.
LET'S SEE...

I PICK CONTESTANT
NUMBER 1--

THE WOMAN
RIGHT OVER THERE.

SHE'S ADORABLE.

YEAH?

YOUR ATTACHMENT
TO THE '70s

IS MUCH DEEPER
THAN I REALIZED.

MAX,
SHE'S REALLY NICE.

I HAVE ONE WORD--

U-G-L-Y.

♪ SHE AIN'T GOT
NO ALIBI, SHE'S UGLY ♪

THAT IS SO UNCALLED-FOR.
CUT IT OUT.

[Sound of bird's wings
fluttering]

♪[Jazz music]

[Max]
THANKS SO MUCH

FOR LOOKING
AT MY PAPER.

NO PROBLEM.

HEY, ARE YOU
STILL TALKING TO ME?

EVENTUALLY.

I CAN NEVER
STAY MAD AT YOU LONG.

ELY, HI.
HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, KIA.
HOW ARE YOU?

ARE YOU
STILL TEACHING?

YEAH.
HOW'S KATE?

FINE. SHE'S STAYING
IN SEATTLE RIGHT NOW,

KEEPS THREATENING
TO COME VISIT.

I KNOW SHE'D
LIKE TO SEE YOU

WHEN SHE COMES IN.

HOW HAVE YOU
BEEN DOING?

I HAVE A JOB AT
A VET FULL-TIME.

IT'S KEEPING ME BUSY.

HI. I'M MAX,
KIA'S ROOMMATE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M ELY.

HI.

NICE TO SEE YOU GUYS.

GIVE ME A CALL.
WE CAN GET TOGETHER.

I WILL.

OKAY. BYE.

I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU KNEW HER.

SHE USED TO GO OUT
WITH A FRIEND.

SHE'S NEVER GOING OUT
WITH THIS FRIEND.

MAX,
GET OVER YOURSELF.

[Max]
KIA, WHO'S THIS CHICK

WE'RE GOING OUT WITH
AGAIN?

KIA?

[Max]
OH...

[Doorbell rings]

HI, MAX.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

IS KIA
PARKING THE CAR?

NO. SHE HAD TO
DO STUDY PLANS

AT THE LAST MINUTE.

DO YOU STILL
WANT TO GO?

MAYBE WE SHOULD
WAIT FOR KIA.

SHE REALLY
WANTED TO SEE IT.

IT WAS HER IDEA.

I HAVE STUFF
TO DO ANYWAY.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HEY, YOU GUYS.

HEY.
HEY, GIRL.

IT'S MAX,
RIGHT?

LOOKING CUTE AS USUAL.
HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD.
THANKS.

THIS IS MIMI.

YOU KNOW ELY,
RIGHT?

WE'VE MET.

YOU STANDING ON THE
DOORSTEP ALL NIGHT?

I WAS
JUST LEAVING.

WE WERE SEEING
A MOVIE, BUT...

WE'RE GOING TO
THE BURRITO PALACE.

I'D INVITE YOU,

BUT I CAN SEE
YOU HAVE PLANS.

SEE YOU LATER.

BYE, YOU GUYS.

SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN
TO MAKE YOU STAND OUT HERE.

WANT TO COME IN
AND HAVE A DRINK?

NO, I'M FINE.
THANKS, THOUGH.

OKAY. WELL,
BYE.

BYE.
SORRY ABOUT THIS.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

SOME OTHER TIME.

BYE.

[Footsteps]

[Doorbell rings]

YOU WANT TO
JUST GO SEE IT?

I THINK KIA'S
GETTING RID OF ME

SO SHE CAN
HAVE SEX WITH EVY

ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.

THAT SOUNDS
LIKE KIA.

YOU HAVE
SOME DIRT.

[Clinking]

[Horn honking]

THAT MOVIE SUCKED.

WHY DO QUEERS ALWAYS
HAVE TO BE SO PATHETIC?

I MEAN, I'M QUEER.

I'M FINDING IT RELATIVELY
EASY NOT TO HATE MYSELF.

THE MAN IS
A GAY FILMMAKER.

HE HAS A RESPONSIBILITY
TO REPRESENT US

IN A POSITIVE WAY.

I LIKED THE FILM.

THERE WERE MANY BEAUTIFUL
THINGS ABOUT IT.

WE EXPECT
QUEER FILMMAKERS

TO TAKE
THE RESPONSIBILITY

TO REPRESENT
THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY.

THAT'S A LOT
TO ASK ANYONE.

I DON'T FEEL LIKE
WE CAN WITHSTAND

SUCH NEGATIVE
REPRESENTATION

FROM WITHIN
OUR OWN RANKS.

HE HATES HIMSELF
FOR BEING GAY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DO.

WE WANT HIM
TO REPRESENT EVERYONE,

AND HE'S
JUST REPRESENTING

WHAT HE SEES
IN THE COMMUNITY.

YOU WANT SOME TEA
OR SOMETHING?

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

THERE'S A BUNCH
OF DIFFERENT KINDS.

PICK OUT SOMETHING.

WOW! YOU HAVE
A LOT OF TEA.

YOU LIKE TEA?

I LIKE TEA.

DID YOU PICK OUT
WHAT YOU WANT?

I'M IN THE MOOD
FOR SOMETHING COLD.

OKAY.
ICED TEA?

THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

CAN WE NOT SAY
THE WORD "TEA" ANYMORE?

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T SAY TEA.

YOU WANT TO GO
IN THE LIVING ROOM?

SURE.

SO, YOU'RE A VET?

I WISH. MORE LIKE
A NURSE'S AIDE.

YOU TAKE LITTLE
BANDAGES

AND PUT THEM ON
LITTLE KITTY PAWS?

UH-HUH. WHEEL AROUND
THE JELL-O CART,

FLUFF THEIR PILLOWS
AT NIGHT.

YOU GIVE THEM
BEDPANS?

MY FAVORITE PART.

I GUESS THAT MEANS
YOU'D HATE ME

IF I SAID I KILLED
A GUINEA PIG.

I WOULDN'T HATE YOU.

EVERYONE LIKES TELLING ME
GRISLY ANIMAL STORIES.

BUT I CAN TELL YOU?
YES.

MY BROTHER HAD THIS
SMELLY GUINEA PIG.

I WANTED TO
CLEAN THE CAGE.

I PUT THE GUINEA PIG
IN A BOX IN THE SUN.

I FORGOT ABOUT IT,
AND IT JUST BAKED.

YUCK.
THAT'S PRETTY BAD.

I ONCE RAN OVER A SNAKE
WITH A LAWNMOWER.

GROSS.

IT KIND OF SPLIT IN 2,
BUT IT LIVED.

THE SNAKE LIVED?

WE TAPED IT
BACK TOGETHER,

AND IT GREW AND LIVED.

♪ THE PHONE WILL RING,
OR THE PHONE WON'T RING ♪

♪ I'M GONNA SIT HERE
EITHER WAY ♪

♪ AND PRETEND I DON'T MISS
ANYTHING ABOUT YOU ♪

LIAR.

NO, IT DID LIVE.

WHAT IS THIS?

OH, THAT'S, UM...

THAT'S A
GOOD-LUCK CHARM.

MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
GAVE IT TO ME.

IT'S REALLY CUTE.

DO YOU WEAR IT
ALL THE TIME?

YEAH,
ACTUALLY, I DO.

IT'S KIND OF SKANKY.
DON'T LOOK AT IT.

UM, WHAT'S THIS?

[Telephone rings]

A THING I GOT
AT MICHIGAN.

IT'S LIKE THE BLACK
TRIANGLE THING.

[Answering machine clicks]

[Woman's recorded voice]
I'M STILL FREE
FRIDAY NIGHT.

WHOEVER LEAVES
THE SEXIEST MESSAGE

CAN WIN A DATE WITH ME.

IS THAT DARIA
ON THE MACHINE?

I NEVER LEAVE
THOSE MESSAGES.

SHE'S SO FUNNY.

[Different woman's voice]
IT'S ME. ARE YOU THERE?

CALL ME
WHEN YOU GET IN.

I HAVE GREAT NEWS.
I'M MISSING YOU.

CALL ME.

[Beep]

IS THAT YOUR MOM?

UM...IT'S MY PARTNER
IN SEATTLE.

OH. UM,
IS SHE ON VACATION?

NO. SHE
LIVES THERE.

OH, UM...

THAT'S REALLY SAD.

HOW LONG HAS
SHE BEEN THERE?

UM...
2 1/2 YEARS.

WHY DON'T YOU MOVE OUT
THERE OR SOMETHING?

WELL, IT'S
KIND OF COMPLICATED.

I MEAN,
SHE LEFT AFTER SCHOOL

TO WORK
OUT THERE.

SHE HAD A COMMITMENT
TO WORK.

I NEEDED TO STAY
AND FINISH SCHOOL,

AND I'M STILL TRYING
TO FINISH SCHOOL.

SHE HAS
A REALLY GOOD JOB.

WE JUST...
KIND OF PARTED.

THAT DATE WAS
A BAD SCENE.

I DON'T THINK MAX LIKES
YOU VERY MUCH, DARIA.

SHE'LL COME AROUND.

WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO ABOUT KATE?

THAT RELATIONSHIP
HAS BEEN OVER

FOR A WHILE.

REMEMBER, KATE'S
A FRIEND OF MINE.

SHE'S MY FRIEND, TOO,

BUT I KNOW
A DEAD RELATIONSHIP

WHEN I SEE ONE.

I GUESS
YOU'RE RIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'RE
STILL GOING OUT.

IT'S A PERFECT
EXAMPLE

OF HOW LESBIANS
NEVER BREAK UP.

THAT OLD LESBIAN
BED-DEATH.

THEY'RE NOT
A COUPLE.

I GOT A GOOD FEELING
ABOUT ELY AND MAX.

I THINK IT
WILL WORK OUT.

I FEEL SORRY
FOR ELY.

KATE CALLING--
SUCH SHITTY TIMING.

I DON'T THINK
WE'VE MET.

THIS IS MELANIE.

HI. CALL ME MEL.

OKAY, MEL.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW MUCH MAX

IS ELY'S TYPE.

I THINK MAX
MIGHT BE

A LITTLE FAST
FOR HER.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
CALL THIS

"DARIA GOES FISHING."

GET OVER IT,
DARIA.

IT'S CALLED "GO FISH,"
NOT "ALL YOU CAN EAT."

TRUE ENOUGH.

BESIDES,
ELY WASN'T TRYING

TO GET OUT
OF THAT KISS.

THEY'RE
A TOUGH PAIR.

IS THERE SOME
NATURAL DISASTER

THAT HAPPENS
DURING THIS THING

THAT COULD FORCE
THEM TOGETHER--

LIKE GETTING STUCK
ON A TRAIN

BECAUSE OF
AN ACCIDENT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN

THE LONG WAY.

THAT'S COOL,

SO LONG AS I GET
SOME NOOKIE.

HAVE SOME RESPECT
FOR MEL.

I WASN'T TALKING
ABOUT MAX. LIGHTEN UP.

[Bell tolls]

YOU'RE ADMITTING IT.
YOU SET ME UP.

NO. I HAD TO PLAN
MY LECTURES.

ONLY AFTER YOU LEFT

DID I DECIDE
TO SHOW A FILM.

I KNEW YOU'D MAKE UP
SOME CHEAP EXCUSE.

NOW YOU'LL PAY.

HEY!

I WANT YOU TO REFLECT
ON WHAT YOU'VE JUST DONE.

THINK ABOUT YOUR SYMBOLIC
VIOLENCE TOWARDS ME.

NONE OF THAT WOMEN'S
STUDIES 101 SHIT.

THIS IS
NO LAUGHING MATTER.

IT'S WOMAN-ON-WOMAN
VIOLENCE. IT'S VERY SAD.

YOU'RE STEERING
THE CONVERSATION

AWAY FROM WHAT YOU
DID TO ME.

I THOUGHT
AFTER YOU GOT PAST

YOUR SHALLOW
FASHION REQUIREMENTS,

YOU'D FIND ELY
INTERESTING.

KIA, INTERESTING?

LET ME GO OVER
THINGS ABOUT HER

THAT WORKED FOR ME--

DRESSES LIKE MY MAMMA
IN THE '70s,

HAD 100 DIFFERENT
KINDS OF TEA--ALL DECAF,

SHE LIKED
THAT STUPID MOVIE,

SHE'S NOT INTERESTED
IN HER OWN OPPRESSION,

AND LAST
AND MOST IMPORTANT,

SHE'S MARRIED.

TO KATE?

YOU KNEW SHE HAD
A GIRLFRIEND?

I THOUGHT THEY BROKE UP.
THEY LIVE APART.

2 YEARS
OF NOT LIVING

IN THE SAME CITY.

THEY'VE VISITED 3 TIMES.

KATE WAS IN MY CLASS.

WHEN?

A COUPLE YEARS
BEFORE YOU.

WHAT'S SHE LIKE--
A TOTAL HIPPIE?

I'M NOT STARTING
IN ON THIS.

TELL ME--REGULAR, CRUNCHY,
OR EXTRA CRUNCHY?

I WON'T SAY
IF SHE'S A HIPPIE,

BUT SHE DID MOVE
TO SEATTLE.

[Together]
EXTRA CRUNCHY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER
ANYWAY.

I REMAIN
AS I HAVE BEEN

FOR QUITE
SOME TIME--

A CAREFREE,
SINGLE LESBO.

[Together]
LOOKIN' FOR LOVE.

I THINK YOU GUYS
WOULD BE GOOD TOGETHER.

YEAH. THAT WOULD BE

THE LITTLE RELATIONSHIP
THAT COULD.

WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT TO LOSE?

KIA, THIS IS
SO WORTHLESS.

I WISH YOU'D ADMIT THAT.

WHY ARE THEY APART
IF THEY'RE SO IN LOVE?

YOU KNOW, SHE NEVER
MENTIONED LOVE.

IT WAS LIKE THEY WERE
BUSINESS PARTNERS.

EVEN WEIRDER,

THERE'S NO REASON
THEY SHOULD LIVE APART.

I THOUGHT ELY WAS
IN SCHOOL.

SHE TOLD ME
SHE QUIT.

SHE'S HANGING AROUND
KEEPING DARIA COMPANY?

I GUESS.

MAYBE ELY
AND DARIA...

EW! I DON'T THINK SO.
DARIA'S A HO.

YOU LEAVE DARIA ALONE.
WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER

OUR COLLECTIVE
LESBIAN IMAGE BE--

HOT, PASSIONATE,
SAY-YES-TO-SEX DYKES

OR TOUCHY-FEELY
SISTERS OF THE WOODLANDS?

IT'S IMPORTANT THAT
WE ACKNOWLEDGE WOMEN

WHO ARE COMFORTABLE
WITH THEIR SEXUAL SELVES,

ESPECIALLY LESBIANS.

DARIA'S A POSITIVE
'90s ROLE MODEL,

AND ELY'S
BEHIND THE TIMES.

I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE DOING IT.

ELY SEEMS
TOO HONEST FOR THAT.

BESIDES, YOU KNOW, HER
AND KATE ARE MONOGAMOUS.

IT'S PROBABLY MORE
OUT OF FEAR AND INERTIA

THAN ON PRINCIPLE.

ELY'S ALWAYS BEEN TIMID.

YOU MEAN OF SEX?

IT SEEMS LESS GENERAL--
A FEAR OF INTIMACY.

SHE'S IN THIS
REALLY COMFY POSITION.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO
CONFRONT IT.

I GUESS
THAT MAKES SENSE.

I HATE THIS.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS
LIKE THIS?

I JUST WANT TO FIND
A GIRLFRIEND

AND HAVE THERE BE
NO CATCHES,

NO GLITCHES,
NO BOOBY TRAPS.

AS MUCH AS
WE JOKE ABOUT IT,

I REALLY JUST WANT TO
FIND A GIRLFRIEND.

I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW
COMPLICATED IT WOULD BE.

YOU SET ME UP.

YEAH.

I DESERVE IT.

HA HA HA!

NO, YOU DON'T
DESERVE IT.

WE DID GET ALONG,

DESPITE HER SEVERE CASE
OF HIPPIE-ITIS.

YOU KNOW
THE WORST THING,

THE THING THAT
TOTALLY MAKES IT SUCK?

WHAT?

I KISSED HER.

SHE KISS YOU BACK?

YEAH.

TONGUE?

I'D SAY MY PLAN'S
STILL WORKING.

HA HA HA HA!

♪[Acoustic guitar
plays softly]

[Applause on TV]

[Man on TV]
MY MOTHER USED TO EXPRESS IT

AS "A BUBBLE LEFT OF PLUMB"--

ANOTHER EXPRESSION
FOR A LITTLE OFF-KILTER.

[Door opens]

[Daria]
HEY, GIRL.

HEY, DARIA.

DID I GET
ANY MAIL?

NO, NOTHING.

ANY PHONE CALLS?

UM, THAT WOMAN
TRACY CALLED.

OOH.

HEY, AREN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK?

YEAH,
BUT IT WAS DEAD.

[TV show host]
YOU SAID
THERE WAS SOMETHING

A WOMAN MUST TELL YOU
UP FRONT.

[Man on TV show]
ACTUALLY, IT'S WHAT
I'D LIKE TO TELL THEM.

[TV show host]
YOU WANT TO TELL THEM?

[Man on TV show]
I'M HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

I'LL GET MORE.

[Man on TV show]
WE MAY HAVE SOMETHING

BUT I'M NOT LOOKING FOR
A LIFE MATE, GIRLFRIEND,

OR ANY SERIOUS COMMITMENT.

I'M JUST OUT TO GO RAGE.

[TV show host]
OK.

WE'LL SHOW EVERYBODY
THE 3 WOMEN

LANCE HAD TO CHOOSE FROM.

FIRST IT WAS PAULA.

THINGS THAT TURN HER OFF
ARE SQUISHY BODIES...

I HATE THIS PART.

YOU NEVER SEE HOW
THE DATE TURNS OUT.

WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?

IT ALWAYS TURNS OUT
SHITTY ANYWAY.

SOMETHING WRONG?

NO. IT'S OKAY.

ARE YOU
GOING TO BED?

YEAH. SEE YOU.

OKAY. GOOD NIGHT.

THIS IS NOT
LOOKING GOOD.

THEY'RE BOTH
DEPRESSED

AND SPENDING
ALL THAT TIME ALONE.

I HOPE THIS WON'T BE
ONE OF THOSE

"UNREQUITED LOVE"
STORIES.

NO. EVERYTHING'S GOING
TO WORK OUT FINE.

ELY'S JUST
THIS WAY.

SHE HAS TO GET
REALLY DOWN

BEFORE SHE'LL DO SOMETHING
RADICAL TO CHANGE HER LIFE.

I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.

WE COULD FORGET
THE WHOLE THING

AND FIX ME AND MAX UP.

THIS IS SAMANTHA.

HI.

HI. CALL
ME SAM.

[Kia]
OKAY. HI, SAM.

MISS CAMILLE--
A.K.A. MAX WEST--

HAS GOT THIS IDEAL
GIRLFRIEND IN HER HEAD.

I THINK IT'S SOMETHING
LIKE HIP-HOP BARBIE.

I'M HOPING
SHE'LL GROW UP

AND START
GETTING INTO ELY.

HER REAL NAME
IS CAMILLE?

THAT SLAYS ME.

LET'S GET BACK
ON TRACK.

WHAT WILL MAKE THEM

SPEAK TO
EACH OTHER AGAIN?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

WHY ARE LESBIANS
SO WEIRD?

TELL ME
ABOUT IT.

I THINK ELY'S WEIRD.

SHE'S NOT WEIRD,
JUST SHY.

[Kia] HOW LONG DO
YOU SUPPOSE IT'S BEEN

SINCE SHE HAD SEX?

IT'S BEEN
A LONG-ASS TIME.

IS KATE CUTE?

SHE'S NOT MY TYPE,

BUT I GUESS SHE'S
ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH.

WOOFER!

[Kia] EYE OF THE
BEHOLDER, DARLING.

DAMN, DARIA.

I WONDER WHAT
YOU SAY ABOUT ME

BEHIND MY BACK.

ONLY GOOD THINGS.

LET'S GET ON
WITH IT.

GET AWAY
FROM HER.

[Cat meows]

[Dog woofs]

CHANGE.

IT WILL BE GREAT.

YOU'VE GOT TO
TAKE THE RISK.

I KNOW YOU'RE READY.
SIT DOWN.

[Ely] I'M NOT SCARED.
I'M READY.

I'M AFRAID
IT WILL LOOK BAD.

[Woman] IT WILL BE GREAT.
CHANGE IS GOOD.

[Daria]
DON'T WORRY.

SHE'S GETTING HER LICENSE
IN ABOUT A MONTH.

SHE CUTS HER
OWN HAIR, EVEN.

SHE KNOWS
WHAT SHE'S DOING.

[Ely]
OKAY. I'M READY.

I'M SO PROUD
OF YOU.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD
SHORT HAIR

SINCE 6th GRADE,

WHEN BOBBY SALESKI
PUT GUM IN IT.

[Ely] REMEMBER
HOW THAT LOOKED?

[Woman] A HAIRCUT IS SOMETHING
YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR

FOR IT
TO TURN OUT GOOD.

ISN'T SHE GREAT?

SHE EVEN KNOWS
THE PSYCHOLOGY OF IT.

[Ely] I AM PHYSICALLY AND
EMOTIONALLY READY,

SO LET'S GO.

[Scissors snipping]

♪[Jazzy music]

[Clipper buzzing]

HEY.

HI, MAX.

I THOUGHT
THAT WAS YOU.

I WAS LOOKING AT YOU
FOR THE LONGEST TIME

WITHOUT KNOWING
IT WAS YOU.

WOW.

BOLD.

SORRY.

EVERYBODY LIKES
TO TOUCH IT.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT
GETTING IT CUT.

DARIA'S DATING
THIS HAIRDRESSER.

THEY TALKED ME
INTO IT.

I LIKE IT. IT GIVES YOU
A DIFFERENT LOOK.

IT LOOKS BUTCH,
RIGHT?

IT IS
A GENDER-BENDER.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
IN FOR A SHOCK.

YOU RAN AWAY A FEMME
AND CAME BACK A BUTCH.

THAT WAS A JOKE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LAUGH.

THAT BUTCH/FEMME THING
IS REALLY OPPRESSIVE.

YOU WEREN'T TRYING TO LOOK
MORE BUTCH, WERE YOU?

NO. I JUST
WANTED IT CUT.

SOMEONE SAID I
LOOKED LIKE
A HIPPIE.

THAT PUSHED IT
OVER THE EDGE.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU
LOOKED LIKE A HIPPIE.

IT'S EMBARRASSING.

DON'T TELL ANYONE
THAT'S WHY I CUT IT.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU
LOOKED LIKE A LESBIAN

WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU.

DID I NEED A LABYRUS
AROUND YOUR NECK

TO TIP ME OFF?

I WANT MY HAIR CUT

BECAUSE
IT'S GETTING LONG.

WHAT IF PEOPLE THINK
I'M JUST CUTTING IT

TO LOOK MORE LIKE
A REAL DYKE?

IF YOU DON'T CUT IT
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO,

AREN'T YOU FALLING
INTO THE SAME TRAP?

TOTALLY.

I HAVEN'T HAD A DATE
IN 10 MONTHS ANYWAY.

THERE WAS 1 CHICK
I WENT TO A MOVIE WITH.

SHE HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

MAYBE I DO NEED
A HAIRCUT.

I'M SORRY
ABOUT THAT.

THERE DIDN'T SEEM A
GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU.

IT'S NO
BIG DEAL.

HAPPENS TO ME
ALL THE TIME.

DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR.
IT LOOKS GOOD.

BESIDES, LOOK
AT HOW YOU DRESS.

I'M NOT DRESSED
TO LOOK DYKEY.

I'M FASHIONABLE.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

OH, AND I'M NOT?

YOU'RE LEANING
TOWARD THE HIPPIE SIDE.

BETTER HIPPIE
THAN BUTCH WANNABE.

I DON'T THINK
YOU LOOK HIPPIE.

I THINK
YOU LOOK GOOD.

YOU LOOK FINE,
NOT LIKE A HIPPIE.

ANYWAY, IT WAS
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

OKAY. SEE YOU.

[Beep]

I FORGOT TO PAY.

[Siren]

HEY, BABY.

HEY.

SET THE ALARM.

IF I'M LATE ONCE MORE,
I'LL BE FIRED.

I THINK
MAX HAS A CLOCK.

MAX!

MAX!

I THINK SHE'S
ASLEEP ALREADY.

NO, SHE'S NOT.

I'LL GO GET HER.

THAT'S ONE SERIOUS LITTLE
ROOMMATE YOU GOT THERE.

WHAT'S SHE UP TO?

SHE'S WRITING.

SHE HANDED ME THE CLOCK
WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING AT ME.

I'LL BET SHE'S
THINKING ABOUT ELY.

I THINK SHE'S
AFRAID TO ADMIT

THAT SHE LIKES HER.

WHAT--THAT MAX LIKES ELY
OR THAT ELY LIKES MAX?

I THINK THAT
MAX LIKES ELY,

AND ELY PROBABLY
LIKES MAX, ALSO.

SHE'S JUST CAUTIOUS
BY NATURE.

MAYBE NOT.

ANYWAY, I HOPE THEY
GET OVER IT SOON,

BECAUSE THEY'RE AT
THAT AGONIZING STAGE

WHEN PEOPLE MEET--

IS THIS
GOING TO WORK,

IS THIS PERSON
WORTH IT,

SHOULD I
TAKE THE PLUNGE?

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

[Evy] WHAT MADE YOU TAKE
THE PLUNGE WHEN YOU SAW ME?

I WAS DRUNK.

YOU WERE NOT.

I WAS--
2 GLASSES OF WINE.

I WAS DRUNK
FOR ME.

BLAME IT ON THE WINE.

YOU WERE ENTICED
BY MY DANCING.

YOU WERE
PLAYING IT UP

BECAUSE YOU KNEW
I WAS WATCHING.

WAS NOT.

YOU WERE VERY SEXY.

WAS NOT.

HA HA HA!

♪[Jazz music]

[Kissing]

MMM...

[Cat meows]

[Tapping]

WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE DOING?

MAKES ME SICK.

DOES IT MAKE YOU SICK
OR JUST SCARE YOU?

DON'T CALL YOURSELF
SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT.

I CALL MYSELF A LESBIAN.
THAT'S WHAT I AM.

MY DEFINITION
OF A LESBIAN

DOES NOT
INVOLVE MEN.

HOW CAN WE
ESTABLISH IDENTITY

IF LESBIANS
HAVE SEX WITH MEN?

WE NEED TO--
GET SOME DICK?

WE'RE NOT TALKING
LIFE COMMITMENT HERE.

WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT SEX--JUST SEX.

THERE IS NO SUCH
THING AS JUST SEX.

I WANT TO KNOW BEFORE
I SLEEP WITH YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE SEX
WITH WOMEN

WHO HAVE SLEPT WITH MEN?

WE'RE NOT TALKING
ABOUT THE PAST.

HOW MUCH TIME
HAS TO PASS

BEFORE I REGAIN
MY LESBIAN STATUS?

I DON'T HAVE SEX
WITH WOMEN

WHO SLEEP WITH MEN.

DID YOU HAVE SAFE SEX?

WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU DID?

THE LAST TIME
I HAD SEX.

ANYONE ELSE?

YOU CAN'T
JUST DO THAT.

HE'S A FRIEND.

WHAT'S THE BIG
FUCKING DEAL?

WOMEN ARE MY LIFE.
I LOVE WOMEN.

BUT YOU CAN'T STAY AWAY
FROM THAT DICK.

I'D LIKE TO HEAR WHY.

I FORGOT FOR A MINUTE
THAT "BIG SISTER" WAS WATCHING.

I JUST DON'T SEE
WHAT'S SO BAD.

MAYBE SHE CONSIDERS
HERSELF BISEXUAL.

THEN SHE
SHOULD SAY THAT.

I'M A LESBIAN
WHO HAD SEX WITH A MAN.

NO SUCH THING.

I HAD SEX WITH 1 MAN!

IF A GAY MAN HAS SEX
WITH A WOMAN,

HE WAS BORED, DRUNK,
LONELY, WHATEVER.

IF A LESBIAN HAS SEX
WITH A MAN,

HER LIFE CHOICE
BECOMES SUSPECT.

YOU'RE GIVING MEN
TOO MUCH IMPORTANCE.

YOU'RE MAKING UP
EXCUSES

TO HIDE
YOUR DESIRE FOR MEN.

LIVE YOUR LIFE
THE WAY YOU WANT.

DON'T CALL YOURSELF
A LESBIAN.

NO ONE WOULD CARE,

AS LONG AS YOU SAY
WHAT YOU REALLY ARE.

WHY DON'T YOU CLUE ME IN
ON WHAT I AM?

YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEX
WITH A MAN OVER TIME

TO HAVE YOUR IDENTITY
AS A LESBIAN QUESTIONED.

IT'S A QUESTION
OF HOW YOU DO IT.

I DON'T THINK
SHE'S A DYKE.

SHE'S NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

IT'S COOL,
BUT I WOULDN'T DATE HER.

I WOULDN'T DATE ANYONE
THAT CLOSE-MINDED.

YOU TELL EVERY WOMAN
YOU SLEEP WITH

HOW MANY MEN YOU'VE HAD
SEX WITH AND HOW RECENTLY?

NO, BUT I'VE HAD SEX WITH
MORE WOMEN THAN ANYONE HERE.

I'M NOT SAYING
QUANTITY IS QUALITY,

BUT IT'S HARDER TO KEEP YOUR
IDENTITY AS A SINGLE LESBIAN

THAN AS SOME WOMAN
IN A HOMEY LITTLE RELATIONSHIP.

WOMEN YOU
HAVE SEX WITH

DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE DEALING WITH.

WHAT'S THE LIKELIHOOD

OF A WOMAN
COMING HOME WITH ME

IF I SAY, "I'VE RECENTLY
HAD SEX WITH A MAN"?

VERY SLIM.

EXACTLY.

IT WOULD BE DISHONEST
NOT TO TELL HER.

WHO THINKS ABOUT
ALL THE PEOPLE

THE PERSON YOU'RE
HAVING SEX WITH

HAS HAD SEX WITH?

I DON'T KNOW.

SOME PEOPLE
GET OFF ON THAT.

THE POINT IS,
SHE'S CUTE,

BUT IF I THOUGHT SHE WOULD
HAVE SEX WITH A MAN

WHILE I WAS DATING HER,
I'D SAY FORGET IT.

IF WE WERE IN
SOME COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP,

I WOULDN'T HAVE SEX
WITH ANYONE ELSE.

WHO'S TO SAY
THIS LITTLE WHIM

WON'T POP UP AGAIN?

I DON'T CHEAT ON PEOPLE.

WHY IS EVERYONE
ACTING

LIKE IT'S
THE END OF THE WORLD

FOR HER TO HAVE SEX
WITH GUYS?

I HATE TO PICTURE HER
LIKE THAT.

IF IT MEANS SO LITTLE,
WHY ARE YOU ACTING GUILTY?

DID YOU ENJOY IT?

IT WASN'T BAD.

DID YOU COME?

NO.

I BET HE DID.

I WASN'T IN IT
FOR AN ORGASM.

WHAT FOR, THEN?

SEX!

HEY, DARIA, WHY HAVE YOU
BEEN SO QUIET TODAY?

JUST THINKING.

WHO WAS YOUR DREAM
DATE FOR THE WEEK?

IT'S BEEN
A SLOW WEEK.

IT'S BEEN ROUGH
ON ALL OF US,

BUT HAVE WE GOT
A GIRL FOR YOU!

OH, YOU GUYS...

THIS IS MARIANNA.

MARIANNA,
MEET DARIA.

SHE'S
SO GLAMOROUS.

IT'S LOVE.

I THINK I'VE HAD
THIS GIRL BEFORE.

OKAY.
HEY, KIDS,

WHAT ABOUT
ELY AND MAX?

THEY SEEM TO BE MAKING
A LITTLE PROGRESS.

MAX SHOULD NOT
HAVE SAID

THE WORD "BUTCH"
TO HER.

SHE'S SENSITIVE
ABOUT THAT.

I LIKED ELY'S HAIR
BETTER LONG.

IT'S AWESOME
IN A CREW CUT.

MAX THINKS SO, TOO.

DID YOU SEE THE WAY
SHE TOUCHED IT?

ELY NEEDS
TO RELAX A LITTLE.

DEFINITELY.

♪[Rhythmic piano
and drum music]

[Distorted male voice]
HEY, WHAT A FUCKING DYKE!

[Voice distorted]
HEY, FUCK YOU!

[Max]
WHAT IF THE FEELING

OF HAVING A DIRTY SECRET
OVERWHELMS ME?

WHAT IF I CRACK UNDER THE
STRAIN OF NEVER
BEING OUT ENOUGH?

HOW CAN I BE OUT TO THE WOMAN
I'M STANDING NEXT TO,

THE CHILD
WHO SMILES AT ME,

THE MAN WHO ASKS ME
TO SPARE A QUARTER?

WHAT IF I BLACK OUT

AND I WAKE UP ALONE
IN A HOUSE

AND FIND I'M MARRIED
TO A MAN--

AN HONEST MAN
WHO'S DEVOTED TO ME,

AND I'M LATE
TO PICK UP THE KIDS?

WHAT IF I SIGH BECAUSE
IT'S NOT AS LATE AS I THOUGHT,

AND I RACE
TO PICK UP THE KIDS

WITH UMBRELLAS
BECAUSE IT'S RAINING

AND I DON'T WANT THEM
TO CATCH COLD?

I IMAGINE THE JOY

OF KISSING MY HUSBAND
IN THE SUPERMARKET

AND THE WISTFUL SMILE
OF THE OLD WOMAN

WHO SIGHS QUIETLY,
"YOUNG LOVE."

MOTHER INSISTS WE COME
TO HER HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING

BECAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD

TO HAVE A MAN AROUND THE HOUSE
AT HOLIDAYS.

I CAN SINK INTO THE COMFORT

OF BEING MOTHER, WIFE,
SISTER-IN-LAW, GRANDMOTHER--

NOT ALWAYS UNCOUPLED
IN A FAMILY PORTRAIT,

NOT STRAPPED WITH
THE AWKWARD TITLE OF "AUNT."

I COULD LIVE A LIFE
OF GENDER-SPECIFIC PRONOUNS

AND ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
ABOUT BOYFRIENDS

AND MEAN ONLY "GOOD FRIEND"
WHEN I SAY IT

AND LEAVE OFF
THAT DESPERATE QUALIFIER--

"REALLY"
GOOD FRIEND.

SEX WOULD BE
A FRIENDLY RITUAL,

ALWAYS FINITE,
NEVER FRIGHTENING.

I COULD FOCUS ON RESPECT
WHILE HE FUCKED ME

AND HOW IT FEELS
KIND
OF GOOD

IF YOU ERADICATE
THAT UNDERLYING IMAGE

OF THE EMPTY HOLE
LONGING TO BE FILLED

AND TRY NOT TO DWELL
ON THE SATISFACTION HE FEELS.

DOUBLE INCOME.
I COULD KEEP MY OWN NAME,

MAYBE HYPHENATE
FOR A LIBERATED FEEL.

WE COULD HAVE ANNIVERSARY
DINNERS IN LOVELY SPOTS.

HE'D DASH OFF TO THE WAITER
WHILE I'M IN THE LADIES ROOM

SO THEY CAN BRING OUT
AN ANNIVERSARY TREAT.

THE WAIT STAFF
WILL FEEL A WARM GLOW.

WHAT IF I FIND MYSELF
WITH A MORE WEATHERED FACE

IN A PARK, LAUGHING, SAYING,
"I WAS SO YOUNG,"

HOLDING HANDS WITH A PARKA
AND OLD SPICE

WHO SAYS,
"I FEEL BETTER, HONEY,

"KNOWING YOU'VE
TRIED EVERYTHING
AND STILL CHOOSE ME."

IT DOESN'T SEEM
SO FAR-FETCHED,

LIKE BEING CAUGHT IN CROSSFIRE
AND DYING

OR SLIPPING ON OIL

THAT SOMEONE ELSE
UNWITTINGLY SPILLED.

I COULD CHASE A RABBIT
THROUGH THE WOODS

AND FALL
DOWN A LONG, DARK HOLE

WHICH ENDS IN A LIFE
FROM WHICH I CAN'T ESCAPE.

IT'S THE WORD "PHASE."

IT'S FINALLY COMING OUT

BUT STILL
BEING CALLED "GAY."

IT'S BEING FUCKED AND SUCKED
BY A WOMAN

TILL YOU COULD CRY,

FEELING THAT NO ONE KNOWS
WHAT YOU REALLY DO.

YOU'RE NOT WAITING
FOR A MAN.

I'M NOT
WAITING FOR A MAN.

I HATE THIS EERIE FEELING
THAT A MAN'S WAITING FOR ME.

[Man] OUT LAST NIGHT,
JUST DOING THE TOWN.

HI, MOMMY.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

DON'T YOU
HAVE A HOUSE?

DO YOU HAVE A LIFE?

[Mother]
NO ME BESES.

SIENTATE.
YO QUIERO HABLAR CONTIGO.

EVA ELISA, WHERE
WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?

I...I WAS...
WITH--WITH MARTA.

MENTIROSA.

JUNIOR TOLD ME WHERE
YOU WAS AT LAST NIGHT.

HE SAW YOU IN ONE
OF THOSE GAY BARS.

IS IT TRUE? OH, MY GOD.

IS THAT HOW
I BROUGHT YOU UP?

IS THAT WHAT I
TAUGHT YOU--

TO BECOME A
BATA
?

AY, NO ME DIGAS.

NO WONDER JUNIOR LEFT YOU!

IS THAT
WHAT HE TOLD YOU?

IS THAT WHAT YOU SAID,
YOU LIAR?

I CAN'T
BELIEVE THIS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

YOU SLEEP WITH WOMEN?
YOU KISS WOMEN?

WHAT DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE--A MAN?

MOM, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.

AS LONG AS YOU LIVE
IN THIS HOUSE,

YOU'LL GO BY MY RULES.

SUELTAME!

DEJALA!

SUELTAME, CHICO.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GETTING
OUT OF HERE.

SI TU TE VAS AHORA,

NO TE VUELVAS
NUNCA JAMAS!

YOU'RE A FUCKING
ASSHOLE.

EVA ELISA, IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT I SEE, ANYWAY.

IT'S WHAT GOD SEES.
HE'S WATCHING YOU.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO ANSWER TO HIM!

IF YOU LEAVE NOW--

AY, DIOS MIO.

JUST LET HER GO.

[Girl
speaking in Spanish]

[Doorbell rings]

SHIT.

SHIT!

EVY, MAN, WHY DON'T YOU
USE THE DOORBELL?

MAX, LET ME IN,
PLEASE.

YEAH. JUST A SEC.

HI.

HI.

KIA'S NOT HOME.

SHE SHOULD BE BACK
AROUND 7:00.

OH, SHIT.

EVY, IS
SOMETHING WRONG?

IT'S FUCKED UP, MAX.

JUNIOR TOLD MY MOM
EVERYTHING.

SHE KICKED ME
OUT OF THE HOUSE.

HE FUCKING SET ME UP.

HE'S SITTING, WAITING
FOR SHIT TO COME DOWN.

HE KNOWS MY MOM WASN'T
GOING TO UNDERSTAND.

SHE NEVER WANTS
TO SEE MY FACE AGAIN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

HOLY SHIT.

WHERE THE FUCK IS KIA?

I'D LIKE TO GET
THAT GUY

AND GET
A PACK OF DYKES

AND CORNER HIM
IN AN ALLEY

AND MAKE HIM BEG US
NOT TO KILL HIM

AND THEN
KILL HIM ANYWAY.

WE SHOULD
SQUASH HIM.

WE SHOULD
GET REVENGE.

THE NERVE--
GETTING YOU

KICKED OUT
OF YOUR OWN HOUSE!

MAX, PLEASE,
BE QUIET.

YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN TO BE QUIET.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT GUY MUST JUST
HAVE NO FUCKING LIFE.

MAX. SHUT UP, MAX.

I CAN'T GET OVER
WHAT A DICK HE IS.

MAX, LISTEN

I'VE JUST
GOTTEN KICKED OUT.

MY MOM THINKS
I'M GOING TO HELL.

I DON'T HAVE
A PLACE TO LIVE.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
ABOUT JUNIOR.

YOU CAN LIVE WITH US.

WE CAN BE
YOUR NEW FAMILY.

FINE.

MAN, ELY, YOU REALLY
GOT TO LOOSEN UP, GIRL--

CHILL OUT,
MAYBE GET LAID.

OOH, IS THAT
A PROPOSITION?

YEAH. NO,
REALLY, BABE,

WHEN YOU GOING TO
GET BACK INTO THE FRAY?

START MATING AGAIN.

DARIA, I
HAVE A PARTNER.

YOU DO NOT.

YOU'VE GOT A GOOD EXCUSE,
AND IT'S GETTING WEAK.

LET'S NOT TALK
ABOUT IT.

I CAN'T DO THIS
NON-MONOGAMOUS,
HIP THING.

IN ORDER TO BE
NON-MONOGAMOUS,

YOU HAVE TO
BE HAVING SEX

WITH EVEN
1 PERSON, RIGHT?

AS FOR YOUR HIPNESS,

I GUESS THE NEW
HAIRCUT HELPS.

OH, WHO NEEDS
HIPNESS?

DO YOU KNOW MAX?

YEAH. SHE'S
A TOTAL BABE.

WHAT DID YOU GUYS
DO THAT NIGHT?

WE WENT TO A MOVIE.
WE TALKED.

IT WAS NICE.

[Daria] SO WHAT HAPPENED?
DID YOU GO FOR IT?

I THINK
SHE'S TOTALLY HOT.

[Ely] I'M SURE YOU THINK
SHE'S HOT, DARIA.

I DIDN'T GO FOR IT.

HAVING A BALL AND CHAIN
IN A FARAWAY PLACE,

BEING GENERALLY PETRIFIED
OF ANY INTERACTION

EXCEPT FOR DOGS, CATS,
AND AN OCCASIONAL FERRET

DOESN'T MAKE ME THE
HOTTEST COMMODITY AROUND.

YOU'RE DIGGING
YOUR OWN GRAVE, GIRL.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER ME.
DO YOU LIKE HER?

SHE SEEMS
KIND OF YOUNG.

SHE PROBABLY ONLY TRIED
TO KISS ME OUT OF BOREDOM.

SHE TRIED
TO KISS YOU?

DID SHE FAIL?
DID YOU GUYS SMOOCH?

DID SHE HUMP YOUR LEG?
WHAT HAPPENED?

1 LAME KISS,
AND THEN KATE CALLED.

LET'S JUST DROP IT.
I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN...

WANT TO DEAL WITH IT?

I THINK I'LL HAVE
A DINNER PARTY.

[Daria] BUT WAIT.
HAVE YOU GUYS TALKED,

OR IS IT KIND OF WEIRD?

WE RAN INTO EACH OTHER
AT THE BOOKSTORE.

WE HAD A CONVERSATION,

BUT WE DIDN'T
TALK ABOUT THE DATE.

WELL, WE TALKED
ABOUT THE DATE,

BUT NOT ABOUT KISSING.

IT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

I'LL THROW
A DINNER PARTY.

YOU'RE INVITED.

I'LL INVITE LOTS
OF OTHER HOT BABES.

IT'LL TURN INTO
A MASSIVE ORGY.

IT'LL BE FABULOUS.

WHATEVER.

WILL YOU COME?

SURE.

WILL YOU COOK?

FINE.

DO YOU STILL
LOVE ME?

OF COURSE
I STILL LOVE YOU.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVEN'T...
DONE MAX, HAVE YOU?

OOH, I THINK
ELY HAS A CRUSH.

♪[Slow synthesizer music]

I'M GOING TO THE STORE
TO GET WINE.

WOULD YOU LIKE ANYTHING?

NO, THANKS.

ELY, THANKS
FOR COOKING.

NO PROBLEM.

HEY, GIRL,
HOW'S IT GOING?

IT'S GOING OKAY.

DO YOU NEED
ANY HELP?

HI. IT'S DARIA.

LISTEN, I WANTED
TO DOUBLE-CHECK,

SEE IF YOU'RE
STILL COMING.

YEAH. YOUR ANSWERING
MACHINE CUT ME OFF.

UH, AROUND 8:00.

YEAH. WE'RE FIXING A
FABULOUS DINNER RIGHT NOW.

OKAY. SEE YOU THEN.

I'LL GET IT.

HEY.

HEY!

HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD.

HOW'S IT GOING?

HEY, GIRL.

COME ON IN.

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

HEY, YOU GUYS.

OH, MY GOD!

HI, ALICE.
HEY, ANDY.

NEW 'DO. WOW.

CHECK IT OUT.

CAN I TOUCH IT?
DO YOU LIKE IT?

HI, GORGEOUS.

HI, DARIA.

WELCOME.

THANK YOU.

UM...THIS IS
ALICE AND ANDY.

HI.

HAVE YOU MET ELY?

NO. HI. I'M EVY.

IT'S GOOD TO
FINALLY MEET YOU.

LIKEWISE. I'VE HEARD
A LOT ABOUT YOU.

KIA'S TOLD ME
ABOUT YOU, TOO.

HELLO. I'M BELLA.
I LIVE HERE.

HI. I'M EVY.
NICE PLACE.

THANKS. I'LL PUT THIS
WINE IN THE KITCHEN.

WHERE'S KIA?

SHE'S PARKING THE CAR.

IS SHE ALONE?

IS MAX WITH HER?

MAX LEFT
A LITTLE BEFORE WE DID.

I'M SURPRISED
SHE'S NOT HERE.

I NEED TO KNOW HOW
MUCH PASTA TO COOK.

ELY'S A
LITTLE STRESSED.

SHE'S BEEN
COOKING ALL DAY.

SEEMS LIKE IT.

HI, ELY.

KIA, HI.

HOW YOU DOING?

NICE TO SEE YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN
TO STARTLE YOU.

I BROUGHT THIS
FOR THE PARTY.

OH, THANKS.

I LIKE THE HAIR.

YOU HADN'T SEEN IT YET?

NO. I LIKE IT.

[Daria]
SO, HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME.

DON'T FLIRT WITH ME.

WHAT? I STILL CARE.

I DON'T WANT TO RELIVE
MY PAST MISTAKES.

YOU HAD FUN,
YOU HAVE TO ADMIT.

I CAN'T REMEMBER.

HEY, GIRL.
I SEE YOUR MOVES.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO
MAKE INTRODUCTIONS.

SHAMELESS.
ABSOLUTELY SHAMELESS.

HEY.

MAX IS HERE.

GREAT.

HEY, MAX.

[Kia]
IT'S ABOUT TIME.

SHUT UP.

HI. SORRY I'M LATE.
I BROUGHT THESE.

TALL BOYS FOR ME?

ICED TEA.

WHO KNEW YOU WERE
SO HEALTHY?

IT'S FOR ELY.

SHE BROUGHT YOU
A PRESENT.

HI, MAX.
HOW ARE YOU?

SORRY I'M LATE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

MAX IS HERE.

WE WERE
WAITING ON HER,

SO WE CAN EAT NOW.

[Kia]
ALL RIGHT.

I HEARD YOU WERE
A REALLY GOOD COOK, TOO.

♪[Music playing]

[Daria]
MAX, ANOTHER TALL BOY?

UH, NO, THANKS.
I'M FINE.

[Daria]
OKAY. ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.

[Music stops]

WE'LL START OFF EASY.
I HAVE NEVER

HAD SEX WITH ANYONE
IN THIS ROOM.

WELL...

I CAN DRINK?
O.K.

OKAY. UM...

I'VE NEVER...

HAD SEX ON A TRAIN
THAT STOPPED

BECAUSE IT WAS
IN AN ACCIDENT

AND RAIN WAS BEATING
AGAINST THE WINDOWS.

[Daria] IF NOT
FOR THE RAIN PART,

I BE DRINKING
ALONG WITH YOU.

[Evy] A COUPLE
OF STUDS. OH, MY GOSH.

OKAY, EVY.

ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.

UM...
I'VE NEVER...

FALLEN IN LOVE
AT FIRST SIGHT.

[Everyone]
AW...

LIVE WITH IT.
HATE IT.

SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING
I'VE DONE BEFORE.

I NEED
A DRINK.

GO, MAX.
THE PRESSURE'S ON.

OKAY. DOES IT HAVE
TO BE ABOUT SEX?

I DON'T THINK
IT HAS TO.

IT DOESN'T
HAVE TO.

ARE YOU 2
A COUPLE?

COUPLE
OF GEEKS.

NO, WE'RE NOT A COUPLE.

[Max]
I HAVE ONE.

UM...I'VE NEVER
TURNED IN A PAPER LATE.

WAH.

HEY, IF KIA CAN
BRAG, I CAN BRAG.

I GOT TO DRINK,
ANYWAY.

THERE
YOU GO.

YOUR TURN.

I'VE NEVER BEEN
HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE

AND REALLY WANTED
TO CHANGE THE MUSIC.

[Evy] IT'S GOT
TO HAPPEN ONCE.

O.K.

I'VE NEVER
CALLED OUT

THE WRONG NAME
DURING SEX.

OOH, EVY!

OOH...

[Everyone]
EVY!

IS THAT
YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

I'VE NEVER HAD
SEX WITH DARIA.

HEY.

MAX...

HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN
ABOUT THAT BEAUTIFUL NIGHT?

SOMEONE TELL
ME THE RULES.

YOU JUST
DRANK.

I HOPE YOU WERE
JUST THIRSTY.

MAX--IF YOU
HAVE
DONE IT.

I KEEP THINKING
YOU DRINK IF YOU
NEVER.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST
ASK THE QUESTION
OVER AGAIN.

[Daria] WE COULD MOVE
RIGHT INTO "SPIN THE BOTTLE."

WAIT A MINUTE.
I NEVER DID IT WITH DARIA.

[Evy] OKAY. I ADMIT IT.
IT WAS A MISTAKE.

[Laughter]

IT'S ALWAYS
A MISTAKE.

WAIT
A MINUTE.

SO YOU'VE
SLEPT WITH ME,

YOU'VE SLEPT
WITH HER,

YOU SLEPT WITH HER,

AND
HER?

NO. NOT ME.

HEY, I DON'T DESERVE
THIS ABUSE.

GIRLS, I AM A WOMAN
WHO LOVES WOMEN.

WHO WANTS TO DANCE?

♪[Music playing]

[Girl] BYE, GUYS.
WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.

THANKS A LOT.
DINNER WAS GREAT.

THEY'RE
IN THEIR OWN WORLD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

DID YOU HAVE
A GOOD TIME?

IT WAS FUN. DARIA SEEMS
A LITTLE DRUNK.

DARIA'S
A LITTLE CRAZY.

DO YOU WANT
TO HANG OUT SOMETIME?

GO TO A MOVIE
OR DO SOMETHING AGAIN?

THAT WOULD BE FUN.

I SHOULD GIVE YOU
MY NUMBER.

I HAVE YOUR NUMBER.

YOU HAVE MY NUMBER?

UH, IT'S KIA'S
NUMBER?

OH, YEAH.

[Whispering]
DARIA...LOOK.

[Max]
IT'S WEST. MAX WEST.

DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S COOL?

CAN'T YOU PICTURE ME

BUSTING THROUGH
THE DOORS OF A SALOON

IN THE OLD WEST?

YOU'RE DIGGING IT,
RIGHT? I COULD TELL.

BECAUSE THAT'S MY NAME,
AS IN, "TO THE MAX."

NO. I MEAN,

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR PARENTS
NAMED YOU, RIGHT?

NO. THEY NAMED ME
CAMILLE.

OH. TORGESON?

NO. NO,
THEY GOT DIVORCED

WHEN I WAS,
LIKE...12,

AND NOW MY MOM'S,
LIKE,

THE STYLING
SINGLE BABE.

UM...HE'S COOL.

I DON'T SEE HIM
THAT MUCH.

I'M THE BABY,
THE SPECIAL ONE.

THE REST OF THEM
DON'T REALLY MATTER.

THAT'S WHAT I TELL
MY MOM, ANYWAY.

ONLY CHILD.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

THERE'S SOME PSYCHOLOGY
ABOUT THAT.

WHAT WOULD THAT SMELL LIKE?

YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND
IN HIGH SCHOOL?

THAT IS SO COOL.

YEAH. WELL, IT REALLY
WASN'T THAT GREAT,

BECAUSE WE WEREN'T
OUT TO ANYONE

EXCEPT OURSELVES,
SORT OF, AND NOT EVEN.

WE USED TO FIGHT
IN THE HALLS,

BUT WE NEVER
KISSED IN THE HALLS,

BUT PEOPLE STILL
CALLED US LEZZIES.

BOYS? WELL, NO,
I WAS KIND OF...

THERE WAS
1 BOY I DATED,

LIKE, 3 MONTHS.
WE DIDN'T REALLY DATE.

WE HELD HANDS AND TALKED
ABOUT
MY THREE SONS.

THAT WAS
OUR FAVORITE SHOW.

JUST DANCING A LOT

AND WRITING STUFF
FOR THE NEWSPAPER.

I WAS KIND OF A GEEK.

I STILL AM, I GUESS.

WELL, I DID IT

WHEN I BROUGHT
KATE HOME ONCE.

OTHERWISE I DIDN'T THINK
MY MOM WOULD BELIEVE IT.

SHE WOULD GLOSS IT OVER
LIKE SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

SHE DID, ANYWAY.

SHE HARDLY EVER
BRINGS IT UP.

I BRING IT UP,
AND SHE WON'T TALK ABOUT IT,

BUT AT LEAST I KNOW
THAT SHE KNOWS.

TELL ME IF THIS IS
TOTALLY RUDE,

BUT I'M KIND OF CURIOUS.

ARE YOU AND KATE
BROKEN UP NOW,

OR WHAT'S THE STORY?

WELL, WE'RE
SORT OF BROKEN UP.

I MEAN, I LEFT A MESSAGE
ON HER MACHINE.

YOU LEFT A MESSAGE
ON HER MACHINE?

DO YOU CONSIDER THAT
BROKEN UP?

YEAH, BUT SHE HASN'T
CALLED ME BACK YET.

YEAH, SO--

WELL, IT'S HALF.

I MEAN, WE'RE
BREAKING UP ANYWAY,

BUT, UM...WE JUST
NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT.

SO, LIKE, THAT'S 50-50,

LIKE, YOU'RE BROKEN UP,
SHE'S NOT,

BUT IT COUNTS FOR YOU,

SO I GUESS IT COUNTS
FOR ME, THEN.

I GUESS SO. HA HA!

[Kia] SORRY I'M LATE.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS PLAYING?

[All]
GO FISH.

[Kia]
FIGURES.

HI.
AND YOU ARE?

DELLA.

CAN I CALL
YOU DEL?

NO.
DELLA.

OKAY.
DELLA.

HOW LONG BEFORE
THEY CONSUMMATE?

IS THAT THE MOST
IMPORTANT TOPIC AT HAND?

I'M JUST GLAD
OUR WORK IS OVER.

KNOWING ELY,
IT'S GOING TO BE

2 OR 3
MORE DATES.

WHAT IS THIS,
THE LESBIAN GANDHI?

I DON'T HAVE
THAT KIND OF TIME.

NOT EVERYONE
JUMPS RIGHT IN.

TO GO FROM

"I SORT OF BROKE UP
WITH MY GIRLFRIEND"

TO "LET'S
FUCK"?

NOT THESE BABES.

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE
THE POWER OF A WOMAN

THAT'S BEEN DEPRIVED
OF THE HONEY POT.

HONEY POT?

THAT "HONEY POT"
THING'S GOT TO GO.

WHAT DO
YOU CALL IT?

FIND A MORE
ENDEARING TERM,

AND I'LL PUT "HONEY POT"
ON THE SHELF.

SO IF YOU
WANT ENDEARING,

THEN "VAGINA"
IS OUT.

YES, NURSE.
DARIA?

"LOVE MOUND"
IS MY FAVE.

UH-UH.
TOO VICTORIAN.

NO, IT'S NOT.
PICTURE THIS.

"YOU'RE SO HOT,

"I CAN'T WAIT
TO GET YOU HOME

"AND PUMP
YOUR LOVE MOUND."

WORKS FOR ME.

WORKED
FOR YOU.

IT'S TOO
EUPHEMISTIC.

"GIRL PATCH."

YEAH!

CUTE,
BUT IS IT SEXY?

IT CAN BE.

LET'S SEE...
"SHE MOANED,

"GRABBING HER GIRL
PATCH IN ECSTASY."

IT WORKS.
I LIKE IT.

"GIRL PATCH" SOUNDS
LIKE A BAD HAIRCUT.

WELL, HOW
ABOUT "CUNT"?

TOO HARSH.
NO, NO, NO.

LOSERS.

HOW ABOUT...

HMM.
LET'S SEE...

"BEARDED CLAM."
HOW ABOUT THAT?

OH, BOY.

NO, THAT'S TOO
HIGH-SCHOOL LOCKER ROOM.

BESIDES,
THERE ARE PEOPLE

THAT GET OFFENDED

BY THAT WHOLE
BEARDED-CLAM/FISH THING.

I LOVE "FISH."
"FISH" IS CUTE.

I DON'T
UNDERSTAND IT.

IT DOESN'T TASTE
LIKE FISH TO ME.

IT'S SOMETHING
MORE ON THE LINE

OF THE FRENCH
FRY FAMILY.

IT DEPENDS ON
WHO YOU ARE WITH.

NOW, YOU
TASTE LIKE--

OH, CUT IT OUT! STOP.

ISN'T "HONEY POT"

SOUNDING BETTER
AND BETTER?

IT'S SEXY WITHOUT
BEING VULGAR

AND APPEALING
WITHOUT BEING CUTESY.

HOW ABOUT
PLAIN OLD "BEAVE"?

IT'S FAMILIAR,
FRIENDLY,

SOMETHING YOU COULD
ALMOST SAY TO MOM.

I DON'T LIKE
THE TEETH.

I'M STICKING
WITH "HONEY POT."

SO, UM...ISN'T THIS
THE PART

WHERE YOU
ASK ME OUT?

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO ON A DATE?

I WOULD LOVE TO.

WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.
I HADN'T GOTTEN THAT FAR.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

WELL, WE ALREADY
SAW A MOVIE.

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST COME OVER,

AND WE'LL
FIGURE IT OUT?

[Clock ticking]

[Indistinct voices]

[Kia] OKAY. WOULD YOU
REACH A LITTLE HIGHER?

[Evy]
ONLY IF YOU GO LOWER.

HA HA!

[Evy]
WOULD YOU DO MY BACK?

HA HA!

[Kia]
PASS ME THE SOAP.

[Giggling]

[Evy]
OKAY, STOP!

[Door opens]

SORRY, MAX. HAVE WE BEEN
IN THERE TOO LONG?

WE PROBABLY SAVED YOU
A LOT OF TIME

BY SHOWERING TOGETHER.

IT'S HER BIG DATE.

YOU'VE TURNED THE PLACE
INTO A DEN OF LOVE.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TONIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW. SHE'LL
BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES.

I'M NOT
EVEN DRESSED.

DON'T HAVE SEX
IN OUR BED.

WE'RE NOT
GOING TO DO IT.

♪ SHOW ME A WINDOW
I CAN SEE SKY FROM ♪

♪ SHOW ME A DOOR
I HAVEN'T CLOSED BEFORE ♪

♪ SHOW ME A STAIRWELL

♪ I HAVEN'T RUN FROM

♪ SHOW ME SOMEONE

♪ I CAN HOLD ON TO

♪ EEE OHH

♪ MMM MMM MMM

♪ MMM MMM

♪ SHOW ME A WINDOW

♪ I CAN SEE SKY FROM

♪ SHOW ME A DOOR

♪ I HAVEN'T CLOSED BEFORE

♪ SHOW ME A STAIRWELL

♪ I HAVEN'T RUN FROM

♪ SHOW ME SOMEONE

♪ SHOW ME A WINDOW
I CAN SEE SKY FROM ♪

♪ SHOW ME A DOOR
I HAVEN'T CLOSED BEFORE ♪

♪ SHOW ME A STAIRWELL

♪ I HAVEN'T RUN FROM

♪ SHOW ME SOMEONE

♪ I CAN HOLD ON TO

[Door opens]

[Water running
and woman humming]

[Knock knock]

[Max]
GO AWAY, PLEASE.

IT'S ELY. I WANTED
TO TELL YOU I'M HERE.

HI, ELY.
YOU'RE EARLY.

YEAH.

OR NO, I'M LATE.
WHAT TIME IS IT?

DON'T WORRY.

I'LL BE OUT
IN A SECOND.

HEY, DON'T
LOOK AT THAT.

YOUR PARENTS?

YEAH. KIND
OF GEEKING.

FUNNY PICTURE.

HOW DID YOU
GET IN HERE?

KIA AND EVY WERE
ON THEIR WAY DOWN.

KIA IS ALWAYS DOING
THAT SHIT TO ME.

SHE WANTED ME TO WALK OUT
IN MY SKIVVIES.

[Max] OH, YOU CAN
JUST SIT RIGHT THERE.

I'M GOING TO
GET DRESSED.

YOU LOOK NICE.

THANKS.

I WANT TO PUT ON
SOME MUSIC.

♪ MMM

♪ SHOW ME A WINDOW

♪ I CAN SEE SKY FROM

♪ SHOW ME A DOOR
I HAVEN'T CLOSED BEFORE ♪

SORRY I'M NOT READY.

I'M HAVING
A FASHION CRISIS.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

WHICH SHOULD I WEAR?

THIS ONE WITH
THE "3" IS COOL.

THIS ONE'S CRAZY.

THIS FABRIC'S NICE.
YOU SHOULD WEAR THIS.

GOD, LOOK
AT YOUR NAILS.

THEY'RE SPLIT.

SORRY. THAT'S
REALLY RUDE.

OKAY, THIS ONE?

YEAH.

OKAY.
I'LL WEAR IT.

IF YOU HAVE SOME CLIPPERS,
I'LL CUT THEM NOW.

ARE YOU REALLY
GOING TO CUT THEM?

YEAH.

IN THE BATHROOM,
THERE'S A CERAMIC THING,

AND, UM...

A CERAMIC THING.

YEAH. I'LL GET THEM.
SIT DOWN.

THANKS.

HEY, IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH THESE?

THEY MAKE MY NAILS ALL
SHARP AND EVERYTHING.

HERE. MOVE OVER.

THEY'RE TOENAIL
CLIPPERS,

SO THERE'S AN ART
TO MAKING THEM WORK.

I SEE YOU TRIED
ON THAT ONE.

OOH!
THAT DIDN'T GET IT.

IT WORKS.

THEY'RE NOT THAT LONG,

EXCEPT THEY HAVE
THESE SHARP EDGES.

FROM THE CLIPPERS.

OKAY, I'M ALMOST DONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I MADE
A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT.

THEY'RE NOT THAT LONG.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

BOLD.

♪[Slow, sensual music plays]

♪[Upbeat mambo music plays]

WHOA!

[Honk honk honk]

HEY, ELY.
CONGRATULATIONS.

[Dog barks]

[Daria] GOOD MORNING,
SUNSHINE.

HI, DAR. HOW COME
YOU'RE STILL UP?

I WAS WORRIED SICK
ABOUT YOU.

SORRY. I SHOULD
HAVE CALLED.

I WAS WONDERING,
WHAT COULD SHE BE DOING?

MAYBE LOCKED OUT?
BUT NO, I WAS HERE.

WORKING A DOUBLE SHIFT
AT THE VET'S OFFICE?

HANGING OUT ALL NIGHT AT
THE S & M DUNGEON?

OR COULD SHE HAVE BEEN
WITH ONE MAX WEST?

YES, I WAS
WITH MS. WEST.

GOD, IT'S TRUE?
REALLY?

I MADE
SOMETHING FOR YOU.

HANG ON.

THAT'S REALLY
CUTE, DARIA.

MADE IT WITH
MY OWN 2 HANDS.

YOU LIKE?

THAT'S REALLY NICE.
THANKS.

SO THIS IS WHERE
IT ALL HAPPENED?

GOOD THING WE
CAME HOME SO LATE.

HOW WAS IT, MAX?

WAS IT LIKE LOSING YOUR
VIRGINITY ALL OVER AGAIN?

SO?

SO, WHAT?

COME ON. GIVE US
THE DIRT.

IT WAS GREAT.

MORE DIRT
THAN THAT!

SO TELL--AND DON'T
SKIP ANY ADVERBS.

DAR, WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO KNOW?

HOW IT STARTED.

DID YOU
PIN HER DOWN?

DID YOU SLIP HER
SOME SPANISH FLY?

WE NEVER EVEN
WENT OUT.

SMOOTH. HOW'D YOU
SWING THAT?

I NEVER EVEN
GOT DRESSED.

OOH, GIRL!

YOU OWE ME FOR
LETTING HER IN.

SO, YOU COME OUT
OF THE BATHROOM NAKED,

AND SHE'S
STANDING THERE.

NO. I WAS WEARING
A BATHROBE.

YOU'RE SO
UPTIGHT.

YOU'RE HOME
ALONE,

AND YOU DON'T
WALK AROUND NAKED?

I KNEW SHE WAS HERE.

YOUR PLAN DIDN'T WORK.
SHE KNOCKED ON THE DOOR.

SO YOU OPEN
THE DOOR,

AND SHE
POUNCES ON YOU!

WRESTLES YOU
TO THE FLOOR!

YOU SAY, "ELY,
WE'VE JUST MET!"

SHE SAYS, "I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED YOU!"

YOU DON'T EVEN
WANT TO HEAR MY STORY.

OKAY, OKAY.
TELL US.

ARE YOU GOING
TO LISTEN?

YEAH. YEAH.

OKAY.

UM, I WAS
CUTTING MY NAILS.

SHE WAS KIND
OF EARLY, AND...

NO, I WAS
RUNNING LATE.

WE KNOW
ALL THAT.

HOW DID IT
START?

SHE WAS ON THE COUCH,
CUTTING HER NAILS.

YOU WERE
CUTTING YOUR NAILS.

DO YOU USUALLY TEND
TO PERSONAL HYGIENE

ON 1st DATES?

THAT'S
REALLY HOT, ELY.

IT
WAS.

SHE NEEDED HELP.

I STARTED
CUTTING HER NAILS.

IT'S BEEN
A LONG TIME,

BUT WHAT KIND OF FOREPLAY
IS NAIL-CUTTING?

I DON'T KNOW.
THAT SOUNDS SEXY TO ME.

♪[Soft music plays]

[Mouthing words]

OKAY. SO I CAN
SEE THAT. AND?

SHE WAS
MAKING FUN OF MY NAILS,

SO I STARTED
CUTTING THEM.

SHE STARTED CUTTING
THEM FOR ME,

AND, YOU KNOW...

[Mouthing words]

♪[Rock music plays]

SO SHE CUT YOUR NAILS.

AND THEN?

UM, AND IT WAS NICE.

WE TALKED
FOR A WHILE.

WE WERE
GOING TO GO OUT,

BUT SHE COULDN'T
DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR.

ELY,
CUT TO THE CHASE.

I WANT DETAILS.

AND SO,
I'M CUTTING HER NAILS,

AND THEN, UM...

SHE KIND OF KISSED
MY NECK, AND THEN...

I WAS FEELING
OUT OF PRACTICE.

IT'S LIKE
RIDING A BIKE.

AND WE STARTED KISSING,
AND THEN, UM...

WELL, WE WERE
ON THE COUCH,

AND WE STARTED KISSING.

KIND OF STRADDLED HER
LIKE THIS.

THE COUCH?

THAT TAKES
SOME MANEUVERING.

THEN, YOU KNOW...

HA HA!

WOW.

WOW.
CONGRATULATIONS.

THANKS.

COOL.

HA HA HA!

WHY DIDN'T YOU STAY?

PLAYING HARD TO GET.

[Daria] ELY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHO I SAW AT THE BAR.

HELLO?

MAN, YOU GET
A GIRLFRIEND,

YOU'RE NEVER HOME.

♪ MY LOVE IS

♪ SPINNING ROUND YOUR WORLD

♪ MY LOVE IS

♪ SPINNING ROUND YOUR WORLD

♪ MY LOVE IS

♪ SPINNING ROUND YOUR WORLD

♪ MY LOVE IS

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ SPINNING ROUND YOUR WORLD

♪ DON'T SAY TOO MUCH

[Door opens]

HEY, I'M HOME.

HELLO?
ANYBODY HOME?

♪ DON'T SAY TOO MUCH

♪ DON'T SAY TOO MUCH

[Door opens]

EVY? ANYBODY?

♪ YOUR LOVE IS SPINNING
ROUND MY WORLD ♪

♪ YOUR WORLD

♪ YOUR WORLD

♪ THIS TIME

♪ HEY

♪ MY LOVE IS

♪ SPINNING ROUND YOUR WORLD

[Max]
DON'T FEAR TOO MANY THINGS.

IT'S DANGEROUS.

DON'T SAY SO MUCH.
YOU'LL RUIN EVERYTHING.

DON'T WORRY, AND DON'T THINK
ABOUT IT SO MUCH.

THE GIRL YOU'LL MEET DOESN'T
LOOK LIKE ANYONE YOU KNOW.

WHEN YOU MEET HER,
YOUR TOES MIGHT TINGLE,
OR YOU MIGHT YAWN.

IT'S HARD TO SAY.
DON'T BOX YOURSELF IN.

DON'T LEAVE YOURSELF
WIDE-OPEN.

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT
EVERY SECOND
BUT DON'T FORGET--

THE GIRL IS OUT THERE.

♪ SHOW ME A WINDOW

♪ I CAN SEE SKY FROM

♪ SHOW ME A DOOR

♪ I HAVEN'T CLOSED BEFORE

♪ SHOW ME A STAIRWELL

♪ I HAVEN'T RUN FROM

♪ SHOW ME SOMEONE

♪ I CAN HOLD ON TO

♪ EEE OHH

♪ MMM

♪ MMM MMM

♪ SHOW ME A WINDOW

♪ I CAN SEE SKY FROM

♪ SHOW ME A DOOR

♪ I HAVEN'T CLOSED BEFORE

♪ SHOW ME A STAIRWELL

♪ I HAVEN'T RUN FROM

♪ SHOW ME SOMEONE

♪ SHOW ME A WINDOW

♪ I CAN SEE SKY FROM

♪ SHOW ME A DOOR

♪ I HAVEN'T CLOSED BEFORE

♪ SHOW ME A STAIRWELL

♪ I HAVEN'T RUN FROM

♪ SHOW ME SOMEONE

♪ I CAN HOLD ON TO

♪ WELL, IT'S NOT
SOLID GROUND ♪

♪ BUT I PUT
MY FEET DOWN AGAIN ♪

♪ WALK AROUND THE BLOCK
WHERE THE WIND WON'T STOP ♪

♪ AND I CALL THIS HOME

♪ AND I SETTLE IN
SOME WAY, SEEKING ♪

♪ PASS AWAY TIME IN THE LINE
THAT I'VE FALLEN INTO ♪

♪ IT'S NOTHING NEW TO ME ♪