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1
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(SINGING)
Fourth Thursday in November
2
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That is when we must remember
3
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How the Pilgrims would have died
4
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If not for friendship of a tribe…
5
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-Hi.
-Hi. Thank you so much
6
00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:19,978
for helping backstage this year.
7
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Really, it's made…
It's made such a difference.
8
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-That's nice. (CHUCKLES)
-Yeah.
9
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How… How is your boyfriend?
10
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:27,986
-We broke up.
-Oh, sorry.
11
00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:30,405
-Good riddance! Just kidding.
-Oh.
12
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:32,908
What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
13
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:35,285
Well, um, I always spend it
with my grandmother…
14
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-That's so nice.
-…but she just died.
15
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Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
That's terrible. When?
16
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Well, it was about a month ago.
17
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It was while I was writing
the Halloween madrigal.
18
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No wonder it was so deep.
19
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,130
(SINGING)
What's it all about?
20
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,882
Is there any point?
21
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Do we start dying
22
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The moment we are born?
23
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Well, I better go warm up the gourds.
24
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:03,397
Paul!
25
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:04,815
Yeah?
26
00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:10,863
Well… Oh!
27
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What is that?
28
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I went to five grocery stores,
29
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and I got the last turkey in America.
30
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:20,998
No, Jess, we're not doing Thanksgiving,
okay? We talked about this.
31
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We're just gonna watch football,
drink beer
32
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and then we are going
to Best Buy for Black Friday.
33
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Or as I like to call it, "Friday."
34
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It's our thing, Jess. It's Dudesgiving.
35
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Okay, no matter how many e-mails you send,
that's not a thing.
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-It's real, man. It's totally real.
-It's not real.
37
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We're not calling it that.
38
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It has been two years since
I've had an American Thanksgiving.
39
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-We talked about this.
-Look, it's not a big deal.
40
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I'm just cooking dinner
for you guys…and Paul.
41
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-What?
-What?
42
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:45,355
-Hmm? What?
-Did you say "and Paul"?
43
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Who's Paul?
44
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,526
Did you invite somebody
named Paul to our house?
45
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,571
Yes, I did. I asked someone out.
46
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Asked someone out?
47
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,074
Jess, be honest,
is the turkey named Paul?
48
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It's a real guy.
49
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And he teaches at my school.
50
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And he's really, really hot!
51
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:07,419
And the turkey is named Hank…
Hanksgiving.
52
00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,631
And we are gonna eat him, so…
53
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,216
Hanksgiving.
54
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:18,388
(SINGING)
Hey, girl, whatcha doing?
55
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Hey, girl, where you going?
56
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:24,394
Who's that girl?
57
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:25,854
Who's that girl?
58
00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,356
Who's that girl?
59
00:02:27,439 --> 00:02:29,608
-Who's that girl?
-It's Jess!
60
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:37,157
Don't worry, guys, I will do everything.
61
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Are we gonna be able to hang out
with Paul or is he also a teacher?
62
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:41,954
No, he's a total guy's guy.
63
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:44,623
He normally spends Thanksgiving
with his nana, but she just passed away.
64
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That's a great plan, Jess,
be the girl who replaces his dead nana.
65
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I know!
66
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:51,797
Guys, look, this is a bad idea.
67
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,632
He's gonna be our fifth roommate,
I'm telling you.
68
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It's a first date.
69
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:57,052
We don't know him, okay?
We got to figure out
70
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whether or not he's the right guy for us.
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We deserve to be happy.
72
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You guys, don't even get up.
73
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Just enjoy your beers.
It's gonna be a great meal.
74
00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:06,395
Just curious, does anybody know
anything about cooking?
75
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:08,063
-Mmm-mmm.
-No pressure.
76
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:10,065
Just, like, cooking a turkey, for example.
77
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It says you need some kind of string.
78
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,485
-Trussing string.
-NICK: Don't, Schmidt
79
00:03:13,569 --> 00:03:15,404
That's a good turkey tip. You got more?
80
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Here's a tip. Don't cook Thanksgiving
dinner for five people in 14 hours.
81
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Here's another tip.
Don't ask a guy out on a first date
82
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on the least sexy holiday in America.
83
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,039
What are the most sexy holidays?
84
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:28,292
The most sexy holidays
are Fourth of July,
85
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,461
uh, Independence Day, obviously,
86
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Women's History Month and Christmas.
87
00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,049
-Will you help me?
-No, definitely not.
88
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What if I invite Cece?
89
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:40,179
Don't do it, Schmidt.
Beer, football, Black Friday.
90
00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,680
Thanksgiving with Cece.
91
00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,473
-No, Schmidt.
-Okay.
92
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:44,683
-No, no!
-No, Schmidt!
93
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,143
But I want to let you know up front
94
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,103
that I've got some control issues
in the kitchen,
95
00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:49,938
so I'm gonna do this,
I'm cooking the whole meal.
96
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:51,148
I don't want you touching anything.
97
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,733
And I don't want to hear,
"Schmidt, Schmidt,
98
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,902
"you're using too much tarragon,"
because I'm not.
99
00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:57,237
-You will never hear that from me.
-I'm in.
100
00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,406
-NICK: Come on, Schmidt!
-Yes!
101
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So, this guy's gonna thaw out
by tomorrow, right?
102
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What are we, scientists?
103
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Oh!
104
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Hey, look at that, it's ready.
105
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What am I gonna do?
He comes in three hours!
106
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,756
Oh, God. I can't get it in!
107
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,049
We've all been here, am I right?
108
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Jar.
109
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Maybe if I take off all my clothes
and I get in bed with him,
110
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the heat of my body will warm it up.
111
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I'm not gonna lie.
This is turning me on a little bit.
112
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-It is?
-(DOOR CLOSES)
113
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-Hey, guys.
-Cece! Thank God.
114
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Come down here
and lie on the turkey with me.
115
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Oh, hell, yeah, do that.
116
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Yeah, do it. That'd be good.
117
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-This is a terrible idea.
-Yeah, 100%.
118
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I put it on "permanent press."
119
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Good, so you don't have to iron it.
120
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-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-No! He's here early! How do I look?
121
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It's better if you don't know.
122
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-Hi!
-Hey!
123
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-Come on in.
-All right.
124
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Paul, everybody!
125
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-Hey.
-Hey-yo.
126
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-Welcome to our home.
-Thank you. Hey.
127
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(SINGING)
It ain't so quirky to eat a lot of turkey
128
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,229
On a Thanksgiving Day-ay-ay
129
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,109
My belly's wanting something
A pie made out of pumpkin
130
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:20,863
In every gobble-gobble way-ay-ay
131
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(BOTH SNICKER)
132
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,366
I didn't know you were going back to back.
133
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,660
-JESS: Happy Thanksgiving.
-Oh, my God, there's two of them.
134
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PAUL: It's good to see you.
135
00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:33,750
Um, so, I'm just gonna freshen up.
136
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Oh, thanks.
137
00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:36,795
And I'll be right back.
138
00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:41,133
I forgot to tell you,
Paul brought his violin,
139
00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:44,511
and with a little coaxing,
he might fiddle with the old horsehairs.
140
00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:47,681
(STAMMERS) Only if you don't mind
being enchanted.
141
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,266
(BOTH LAUGH)
142
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,642
I just want to watch the game.
143
00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,978
Hey, Nick, can I talk to you?
144
00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:55,397
I just need you not to do
that thing that you do.
145
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,940
What thing? I don't do a thing.
146
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,193
Yes, you get all mean
and you make that little turtle face.
147
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,111
Okay, I don't think I make a turtle face.
148
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,988
Just talk to him
like a normal human being.
149
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:07,743
Not about politics or small business loans
or the Google conspiracy thing, okay?
150
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,454
I've only seen him at school, and I really
want to wow him tonight, okay?
151
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,457
Please, he's the only guy
I've liked since Spencer.
152
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,959
I'm not good at this stuff,
so please just help me.
153
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:19,087
All right, fine, I'll help you.
154
00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:20,714
Shake on that, pardner?
155
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,633
I don't want to do it like that, though.
156
00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:24,885
-Fair enough.
-Fair enough.
157
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Can I sit here?
158
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CECE: Parsley?
159
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,022
Guy roommates. (CHUCKLES)
160
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,565
Three guys.
161
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It's intimidating.
162
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:45,822
I gotta be honest,
it's intimidating coming to that arena.
163
00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:47,491
It's hard to get to know people.
164
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:50,869
It's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
165
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Bet you're the bear who has the bed
that's just right. (CHUCKLES)
166
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,417
-(CHUCKLES)
-It's a teacher joke. Sorry.
167
00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:58,877
Okay, here's what we're gonna do, Paul.
168
00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:00,504
Um, just so I get to know you
a little better
169
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:01,755
-and you can know me better…
-Yeah.
170
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:02,840
…we're gonna play a little game.
171
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,050
-Oh, great. Fun, yeah.
-All right?
172
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:06,134
I'm gonna say something,
173
00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:07,678
and you're gonna say the first thing
that pops in your head.
174
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Kazoo.
175
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,932
Okay, we haven't even started yet.
176
00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:14,226
Okay. I'm gonna stick with kazoo.
177
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:18,730
Right. Okay, um, "boundaries."
178
00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:19,857
Important.
179
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,359
Okay, um, "other people's stuff."
180
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-Private.
-Good.
181
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:26,905
Uh, "loud early morning sex."
182
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Nice work if you can get some. (CHUCKLES)
183
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:32,536
(TOOTS)
184
00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:34,705
-Hey, Paul.
-Hey, Nicholas.
185
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,039
What's going on, guys?
Nicholas, wow.
186
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,958
Just two dudes playing
word-association games,
187
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,543
kicking back a couple of pumpkin ales.
188
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,878
I think that's a lager, right?
189
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,713
Mmm-mm, this is an ale.
190
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,506
It has to do
with the fermentation process.
191
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:47,467
Could be, could be. Uh, hey, do you
want to watch football, the Lions?
192
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:51,763
Ah, yes! The mighty, mighty Lions
of Des Moines.
193
00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:53,140
They're, uh…
They play every Thanksgiving, right,
194
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,225
because they're the most
ferocious of the teams.
195
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:57,477
NICK: Lions from Detroit.
WINSTON: Detroit Lions.
196
00:07:57,561 --> 00:07:58,562
That's another…
197
00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:01,523
What you gobbling about, turkeys?
198
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:04,359
(BOTH LAUGH)
199
00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:12,826
Anyone who tells you
the future of gravy is nitrogen-based
200
00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:15,120
is cooking with blinders on, Cece.
201
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:18,498
What is… Are you… (CLEARS THROAT)
Did you wash your hands?
202
00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,292
-I'll wash them after.
-Okay, no.
203
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:21,835
See, just… Can you just stop?
204
00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:24,630
Because now the entire bowl
of walnuts is compromised.
205
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:26,548
Wow. You're very sanitary.
206
00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,467
Do you, uh,
wash your hands 10 times a day?
207
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,427
Okay, look, don't worry, Cece.
208
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,346
If I need to, I can get my hands dirty.
209
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,764
I mean, I get dirty all over.
210
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,351
Would you eat this filthy walnut?
211
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,603
Yeah, I mean, I'd eat the… Yeah.
212
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,021
-Okay, open your mouth.
-(STUTTERS)
213
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,314
Open your mouth, Schmidt.
214
00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:43,440
No!
215
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:44,900
(WATER RUNS)
216
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,319
Beautiful savage.
217
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:48,987
(INDISTINCT COMMENTARY)
218
00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:50,989
-Oh, intermission.
-No, it's halftime.
219
00:08:51,073 --> 00:08:52,366
It's parade time. (CHUCKLES)
220
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:54,910
It's robot turkey.
221
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,703
You know, it was Grandma's favorite.
222
00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:59,164
We used to love
watching the parade together.
223
00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:01,041
She was the best.
224
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:03,377
Check it out. Here she is.
225
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:04,795
Here's the lady.
226
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,381
-JESS: Oh, she's beautiful!
-Yeah. We used to get
227
00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:11,009
-in the funniest arm-wrestling matches.
-(CHUCKLES)
228
00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:12,594
Hey, uh, can I show you something?
229
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,137
Uh…
230
00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:17,516
-Picture here. That's my grandpa.
-PAUL: Aw.
231
00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:18,851
Died last year.
232
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,894
I'm so sorry.
233
00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:23,230
-Sorry, Winston.
-Thanks. Thanks, man. It's okay.
234
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,982
This picture right here
was when he tried to quit drinking.
235
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:28,360
(LAUGHS) That was a bad idea
for everybody.
236
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:31,613
This is the first time he tried gelato.
(CHUCKLES) He did not like that.
237
00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:33,115
What was his name?
238
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,784
His name was Nelson.
239
00:09:35,868 --> 00:09:37,327
Hey, Schmidt, how's it going?
240
00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:39,663
Well, I need some walnuts.
I have no walnuts.
241
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,790
I should go get those.
You should stay here with the turkey.
242
00:09:41,874 --> 00:09:45,169
Though, shoot.
I have had two pumpkin ales.
243
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,421
I probably shouldn't get
behind the wheel of a car.
244
00:09:47,504 --> 00:09:49,631
Nick, how many pumpkin ales
have you had?
245
00:09:49,715 --> 00:09:51,466
Oh, I've had zero pumpkin ale.
246
00:09:51,550 --> 00:09:53,760
Then can you take Paul
to the store, right?
247
00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:55,596
(MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR)
248
00:09:55,888 --> 00:09:57,598
(SINGING SOFTLY)
Gonna get some walnuts
249
00:09:57,681 --> 00:09:59,349
Getting some walnuts
250
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:02,853
I'm sorry, man,
are you singing about what we're doing?
251
00:10:03,729 --> 00:10:05,480
Yeah, guess I was.
252
00:10:05,564 --> 00:10:06,982
Sometimes I don't even realize
I'm doing it.
253
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,609
-(CHUCKLES)
-Where are you from?
254
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:11,361
-Chicago.
-Oh, land of plenty.
255
00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:12,946
It's weird being in L.A.
256
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,489
It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving.
257
00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,742
It feels like there should be,
like, a little nip in the air, you know?
258
00:10:16,992 --> 00:10:18,827
A little bit of, like… Like…
259
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,121
-Yeah, totally.
-…an autumn crisp.
260
00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:24,166
So, Jess said you're a lawyer, right?
261
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:27,127
I dropped out of law school.
I had three semesters to go.
262
00:10:27,211 --> 00:10:28,378
Oh, what?
263
00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:29,922
So close!
264
00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,798
So you're still trying
to figure it out, right?
265
00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:33,050
That's… That's what your 20s are for.
266
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,384
I'm 30, so…
267
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:42,726
Oh, Mr. Copycat. (CHUCKLES)
268
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,645
-That's where I get my copies made.
-No way!
269
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,396
-Yep!
-You get your copies there?
270
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,315
I don't… I don't.
It was the other one.
271
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,817
-Oh, you have got to be kidding me, man.
-No.
272
00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:52,653
-(INDISTINCT COMMENTARY ON TV)
-That's right.
273
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,821
I need long sustained mashes.
274
00:10:56,782 --> 00:11:00,077
Oh, hey, you've… You've got
something on your nose right…
275
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,787
What? What?
276
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:02,913
No!
277
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,831
What is wrong with you?
278
00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:06,875
Look at this recipe.
Look at the recipe.
279
00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:08,293
Where in this recipe does it say,
280
00:11:08,377 --> 00:11:10,254
"Put mashed potatoes on Schmidt's nose"?
281
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,548
Look at it. No…
Here? Here? Here?
282
00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:13,715
-Go on, show me!
-Hey, Schmidt!
283
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:16,802
-Oh, hey. Hey.
-NICK: Look, Paul, move.
284
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,387
We got the nuts, Jess.
285
00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:20,347
I don't think Nick likes me very much.
286
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:21,890
-No…
-(LOUD BANG)
287
00:11:21,974 --> 00:11:23,559
(HISSING)
288
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,143
Turkey!
289
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,856
House on fire! Fire!
290
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:33,694
(EXHALES)
291
00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:35,237
-(PANTING)
-NICK: Jar.
292
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,365
SCHMIDT: It's like a Prince video.
NICK: Oh, my God.
293
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:39,491
-(PAUL COUGHS)
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
294
00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:41,493
I really wanted you
to have a good time.
295
00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:43,704
WINSTON: Remember when it was only
dudes living here, and we had no fires?
296
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:44,997
-NICK: This is ridiculous.
-(PAUL COUGHING)
297
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,707
Three months ago
we didn't even know this girl.
298
00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:48,667
My Lasik'd eye is freaking out.
299
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,919
Okay, that's it. We're leaving.
Guys, let's get out of here.
300
00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,589
-I've had a great time. (COUGHING)
-Paul, I am so sorry.
301
00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,674
We're going to the bar.
We can't get rid of the smoke.
302
00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:56,758
Wait.
303
00:11:57,176 --> 00:11:58,468
Wait, wait, wait!
304
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,846
Hold on, we can still do this.
What are you guys doing?
305
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,265
I have been dying to try that food
you've been cooking all day.
306
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,975
You've been slaving away in there.
307
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,977
-What's your name again?
-Schmidt.
308
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,520
-Right.
-You know, it's my last name.
309
00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:10,647
Well, my last name is Genzlinger,
310
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:14,109
and I'd like to eat the food that
you've been making all day, Schmidt.
311
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,320
Yeah, all right. Genzlinger.
312
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,530
-I'm with Genzlinger.
-JESS: I have an idea!
313
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,365
Let's go next door.
314
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,952
Mrs. Beverly's really great.
She's visiting her sister,
315
00:12:24,036 --> 00:12:25,954
but she gave me her spare key
for emergencies.
316
00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:28,498
So we're breaking and entering.
That's a felony, FYI.
317
00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:30,125
Hey, law school! Nice!
318
00:12:30,209 --> 00:12:32,085
JESS: No, we're not breaking in.
319
00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:33,962
I gave her a key to our place, too.
320
00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:36,673
She sometimes has a problem
with her shower.
321
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,510
No, not you.
322
00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:43,305
What are you doing?
You promised me you'd be nice to him.
323
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:46,099
I was nice to him!
I've been very nice to Paul.
324
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:47,684
NICK: The whole car ride over,
I was nice to him.
325
00:12:47,768 --> 00:12:48,852
You know what he tells me about?
326
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,312
He likes Air Bud 2.
327
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:51,396
He loves dogs.
328
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,065
I know where he gets his copies made.
329
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,274
He likes to whistle.
330
00:12:54,358 --> 00:12:57,945
He wanted to open the door with me,
so when my hand went up, so did his.
331
00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,071
Oh, I get it.
332
00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,156
He's not cool enough for you.
333
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,700
'Cause nobody can be cool enough
for cool Nick Miller.
334
00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:05,369
I'm Nick Miller.
335
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,829
I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face.
336
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:08,997
Why don't you like him?
337
00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:10,123
NICK: Who cares? Do you like him?
338
00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:11,917
-JESS: Of course I like him.
-Okay, fine!
339
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,211
Doesn't matter what I think, does it?
340
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,838
'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.
341
00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,965
I do. I want to.
342
00:13:18,382 --> 00:13:21,718
I want to have sex with him big-time.
343
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,178
NICK: Great.
JESS: You heard me!
344
00:13:23,262 --> 00:13:24,638
Big-time! Okay?
345
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,598
I want to take him down to Chinatown
346
00:13:26,682 --> 00:13:29,643
and slice him off a piece
of this pumpkin pie, okay?
347
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,478
-What is pumpkin pie?
-JESS: I want to do all the things
348
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:34,189
that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay?
349
00:13:34,273 --> 00:13:36,275
I want to do it standing up
and sitting down,
350
00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:37,901
and half-up and half-down,
351
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:41,405
and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack,
and the claws in the head,
352
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,116
and the one the figure skaters do,
and the What's For Lunch,
353
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:45,617
and the… Give Me That Hat.
354
00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:48,912
Let's just say that I'm good.
I'm really, really good.
355
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:51,957
-And I don't care what you think!
-Then why did you ask me?
356
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,500
(SIGHS)
357
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:55,252
Hey, Jess.
358
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:58,046
Uh, just want you to know
everyone really loves Paul.
359
00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:00,215
And also, we can hear
everything you're saying.
360
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,675
What?
361
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,343
Play through.
362
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,221
After you, Jess.
363
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:11,518
Excuse me.
364
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,607
So, um, just a heads-up.
365
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:21,320
Uh, we're just rehearsing a play that, uh,
Nick is writing. It's called…
366
00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:23,155
"Big-Time."
367
00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:25,157
It's… It's about a man
368
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:30,621
who, um, loves another man
named Paul…
369
00:14:31,622 --> 00:14:34,958
And it's not very good.
370
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,878
I'm so sorry.
371
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:43,550
I've done Give Me That Hat.
372
00:14:43,634 --> 00:14:46,720
Only, for me it was like, I…
You know, I was like…
373
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,430
I was like, "Here, take my hat."
374
00:14:48,514 --> 00:14:49,890
Do you know what I mean?
375
00:14:55,479 --> 00:14:56,730
(PLUCKING STRINGS)
376
00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:04,530
So how bad was it
on a scale from one to bad?
377
00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:07,699
Let's put it this way. A normal guy
would've left a long time ago,
378
00:15:07,783 --> 00:15:08,784
and he's still here, right?
379
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:10,160
He's not normal.
380
00:15:10,244 --> 00:15:11,370
(CECE SNICKERS)
381
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,709
Schmidt yelled at me earlier.
382
00:15:17,793 --> 00:15:19,628
Oh, I'm so sorry.
383
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:21,421
Did he get weird?
He's weird about cooking.
384
00:15:21,505 --> 00:15:23,215
Did you touch his whisk?
385
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,842
CECE: No, the thing is, Jess…
386
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:26,385
Is I think I'm into him.
387
00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:28,011
What? Oh, God.
388
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:30,514
Yeah, he's got this rage inside of him,
this fury, and I just love it.
389
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:31,598
NICK: Hey, Schmidt?
390
00:15:31,682 --> 00:15:33,725
It's hour nine. I'm starving.
391
00:15:33,809 --> 00:15:36,061
Well, I can blanch or I can talk,
but I can't do both.
392
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,145
I'm going in.
393
00:15:38,564 --> 00:15:39,940
(VIOLIN STRING TWANGS)
394
00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,156
Nick…
395
00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:50,409
I gotta just say something to you.
396
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:53,245
I feel like…
You think I'm kind of annoying.
397
00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:55,831
You didn't have to come here to say that.
You could've done it from over there.
398
00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:57,875
Okay. And if that's the case,
which I don't know that it is…
399
00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,334
-It is.
-I don't care.
400
00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:00,878
I actually feel sort of sorry for you,
401
00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:03,839
because at this point in your life,
I know that you'll never dislike me
402
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,299
more than you dislike yourself.
403
00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:07,551
Really? That's what
you're going with, Violin?
404
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,723
Want a little, um, napkin-folding music?
405
00:16:12,806 --> 00:16:13,807
(LAUGHING)
406
00:16:13,891 --> 00:16:15,100
Kind of need it.
407
00:16:16,894 --> 00:16:18,061
(PAUL CHUCKLES)
408
00:16:20,606 --> 00:16:22,191
I can't believe you're still here.
409
00:16:22,274 --> 00:16:24,067
What do you mean?
Of course I'm still here.
410
00:16:24,902 --> 00:16:26,612
Why wouldn't I be here?
411
00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:27,863
Hey.
412
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:30,157
Let's talk about what happened earlier.
413
00:16:31,450 --> 00:16:34,536
'Cause you made me feel like
I was a really bad girl.
414
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:35,913
I know I did, and…
415
00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,081
I'm really sorry, Cece.
416
00:16:38,457 --> 00:16:39,958
I'll never yell at you like that again.
417
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,086
How about now?
418
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,881
Please… (SIGHS)
Please don't do that.
419
00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:47,007
Got my dirty little hands
420
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,467
-in your pudding.
-Can you… (SIGHS)
421
00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:49,676
So gross…
422
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:52,137
It's so gross. Please… Oh, God.
423
00:16:52,221 --> 00:16:53,222
Mmm…
424
00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:54,640
(CLEARS THROAT)
425
00:16:54,723 --> 00:16:56,350
-So gross.
-Yell.
426
00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:58,018
I really… I'd really rather
you not do that.
427
00:16:58,101 --> 00:16:59,603
I haven't washed my hands since 3:00,
428
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,438
-and I'm gonna double-dip.
-It's so gross…
429
00:17:01,522 --> 00:17:02,856
How about now?
430
00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:07,694
It's all the way…
It's all the way in there, with all the…
431
00:17:07,778 --> 00:17:10,197
It's so unsanitary.
Please, just put it…
432
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,824
I'm-I'm begging you to…
Please just take the towel!
433
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:16,828
This may be none of my business,
but I… I really have to ask you…
434
00:17:17,204 --> 00:17:19,039
Did anything happen
between you and Nick?
435
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,290
Like, did you guys go out, or…
436
00:17:20,374 --> 00:17:22,751
-What?
-'Cause I, I really don't want to get
437
00:17:22,835 --> 00:17:24,002
-in the middle of anything.
-No. No.
438
00:17:24,086 --> 00:17:25,337
No, no, no, no.
439
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:27,089
-No.
-Good.
440
00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:29,424
Because I really want to see you again.
441
00:17:29,633 --> 00:17:30,759
Big-time.
442
00:17:30,843 --> 00:17:32,010
(LAUGHS)
443
00:17:33,971 --> 00:17:35,222
-Big-time.
-Big-time.
444
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:36,557
-Like the play.
-Yeah.
445
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,016
-Cool play. (CHUCKLES)
-It is.
446
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,601
Do you really like him, Winston?
447
00:17:39,685 --> 00:17:42,396
Yes, man! He asked me
my grandpa's name.
448
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,439
You've never asked me
my grandpa's name.
449
00:17:44,523 --> 00:17:46,650
I don't know, Winston, I always
just thought he was your grandpa.
450
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:47,943
I mean, you don't know
my grandpa's name.
451
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:50,821
You mean Mason on your dad's,
or Charles on your mom's?
452
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:52,698
Yeah, it's Mason and Charles.
453
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:53,991
SCHMIDT: Ho, ho, ho, baby.
454
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,577
JESS: Oh, that looks lovely.
455
00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,245
-Genzlinger!
-Schmidt!
456
00:17:58,328 --> 00:17:59,872
SCHMIDT: Yeah, buddy.
PAUL: You kidding me?
457
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,623
-Oh, it looks incredible.
-JESS: It really does.
458
00:18:01,707 --> 00:18:03,959
What if you play something
for us before we start?
459
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,043
-Before? Oh, no, no.
-Yes!
460
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,503
-Please?
-Play.
461
00:18:06,587 --> 00:18:08,755
PAUL: You're all hungry.
SCHMIDT: You know you want to do it.
462
00:18:08,839 --> 00:18:09,840
-Just do it.
-Okay.
463
00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:10,966
Please?
464
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:13,385
-Twist my arm. Okay. All right.
-Yeah!
465
00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:16,221
-Uh, duet from the pageant, huh?
-Oh.
466
00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:18,140
PAUL: Big entrance.
JESS: Okay.
467
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:22,436
Native Americans, gather ye round
468
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:25,230
for I have a new friend
I've met in the forest.
469
00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:26,607
(PAUL SCREAMS)
470
00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:28,567
Dead body! Dead body!
471
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:30,319
Holy God!
472
00:18:31,486 --> 00:18:32,696
There's a dead body in there.
473
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,781
-CECE: I think there's a dead body.
-There's a dead body!
474
00:18:34,865 --> 00:18:36,074
There's a dead body!
475
00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:37,826
Oh! That is real.
476
00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:38,911
-Ooh.
-Oh! God.
477
00:18:38,994 --> 00:18:40,621
-That's a real thing.
-(JESS SCREAMS)
478
00:18:43,665 --> 00:18:45,417
Poor Mrs. Beverly.
479
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:48,921
Oh, Ms. Beverly from the mailboxes.
480
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:56,553
I'm so sorry, Paul.
481
00:18:56,637 --> 00:18:58,764
Oh, it was so fun. I had a great time.
482
00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,140
WINSTON: Anytime, bro.
483
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:02,643
Hey, listen, we're gonna go to
a Best Buy later and grab a new dryer.
484
00:19:02,726 --> 00:19:04,144
Totally stop by if you need anything.
485
00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:06,396
Oh, good, good. Okay. Thank you.
486
00:19:07,064 --> 00:19:08,607
Oh. Okay.
487
00:19:08,690 --> 00:19:10,192
Great. All right.
488
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:12,736
Cool. Thank you. No, no, no, no, no.
489
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,863
Coming in. Coming in.
490
00:19:15,155 --> 00:19:18,742
-Guys… No, no, no.
-Get clear.
491
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:26,708
At least she died doing what she loved.
492
00:19:26,792 --> 00:19:28,627
She was on the toilet, Jess.
493
00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:29,962
I'm starving.
494
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:32,214
Really? Even after that
great meal we didn't have?
495
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:36,134
Oh, come on, Jess.
Are you going to be mad at me all night?
496
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:37,594
Are you cold?
497
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:39,847
Do… Do you want my cardie?
498
00:19:39,930 --> 00:19:41,306
-(CECE GROANS)
-(VIOLIN PLAYING)
499
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,362
-You came.
-Yeah.
500
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,614
When I was on that
elevator ride from hell,
501
00:19:57,698 --> 00:19:59,741
the coroners told me to
stop crying like a girl.
502
00:19:59,825 --> 00:20:00,868
-(CHUCKLES)
-I told them that was sexist.
503
00:20:00,951 --> 00:20:02,327
-You're right.
-I am right.
504
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:04,997
And then I decided, life is too short.
505
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,456
So I went around the corner,
506
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:08,333
picked up a couple of
turkey subs for your friends…
507
00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:09,793
-Yup.
-They're foot-longers.
508
00:20:09,877 --> 00:20:13,297
And…here I am.
Just a man and his violin.
509
00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:16,592
-You're amazing.
-MAN: Hey, no cutting!
510
00:20:16,675 --> 00:20:18,343
-Is he cutting?
-He's not cutting. Relax.
511
00:20:18,427 --> 00:20:20,554
-Guys! We got a cutter here!
-NICK: Calm down, pal.
512
00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:23,348
-Stop. He's not cutting.
-(CROWD SHOUTS ANGRILY)
513
00:20:23,432 --> 00:20:24,641
I saved his spot.
514
00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:27,060
-SCHMIDT: Calm down.
-False alarm!
515
00:20:27,144 --> 00:20:28,937
He's just doing fair tradesies.
516
00:20:29,021 --> 00:20:32,274
Honestly, stop overreacting to cutting!
517
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,943
I'm going to the back of the line.
This spot's for Paul.
518
00:20:35,027 --> 00:20:36,987
-JESS: Thanks, Nick.
-Thank you, Nick.
519
00:20:39,865 --> 00:20:41,116
Hey. Nick.
520
00:20:43,368 --> 00:20:44,494
Wait.
521
00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:50,626
CECE: Let's go. Come on.
522
00:20:50,709 --> 00:20:52,419
Hey, I'll go back there, too.
523
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:57,299
JESS AND PAUL: (SINGING)
Thursday in November
524
00:20:57,382 --> 00:21:00,093
That's the day we remember
525
00:21:00,177 --> 00:21:01,345
How the Pilgrims might have died…
526
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,680
It's gonna get a lot worse
before it gets better.
527
00:21:03,764 --> 00:21:05,724
If not for friendship of a tribe
528
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,768
Oh, oh, oh…
529
00:21:08,352 --> 00:21:11,063
Why don't you take the fiddle…
530
00:21:11,146 --> 00:21:14,191
Fiddle it up and fiddle it down
531
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:16,151
Fiddle it all over town
532
00:21:16,235 --> 00:21:17,819
(LAUGHING, WHOOPING)
533
00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:19,613
PAUL: Thanks, Nick.
534
00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:21,823
(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING AND WHOOPING)
535
00:21:36,547 --> 00:21:38,257
NICK: Where the hell are they going?
39715
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