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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480
Everyone said the first year
of a uni degree doesn't count.
2
00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:07,760
It's something that happened,
but of no real value whatsoever.
3
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,520
A bit like when Liz Truss
was Prime Minister
4
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:12,320
or Jade joined the Sugababes.
5
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:15,800
It ultimately provided
absolutely nothing.
6
00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,600
# We cum at the same time
7
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:21,480
# You make it feel like
the first time
8
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:22,960
# Promise, never tell a lie... #
9
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,440
But for me, first year of uni
10
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:26,640
was where I started
to discover myself.
11
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:30,000
I left my cushty home
as a full-time closeted mummy's boy
12
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,040
and entered the world of Brent Uni,
13
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:35,520
which ranked at number 138 out of 139
14
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,320
for student satisfaction.
15
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:38,720
Oh, shit.
16
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,600
I tried drugs, butt plugs.
17
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,200
I even drank some poppers.
18
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:43,240
I can taste metal.
19
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,480
But mostly I made pals with this lot.
20
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,320
Yemi, student fashion icon
and gay best friend.
21
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,240
He's like the agony aunt
on This Morning
22
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,760
if she were Nigerian
and into piss play.
23
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,800
Corinne, the scariest Scottish woman
24
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,960
since the mum who called
her kids "disgusting"
25
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,520
for leaving a shit in the toilet.
26
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,120
But she was a total babe.
27
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,080
And finally, there was you.
28
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:07,520
Somehow, despite the fact you bought
yourself Linx Africa gift sets
29
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:10,680
and didn't find Jeremy Clarkson's
bullshit books unbearable...
30
00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:16,440
..you still became one of
the best mates that I'd ever had.
31
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,680
And whilst I fucked up trying
to figure out who I was...
32
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,400
..you were dealing with struggles
of your own.
33
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,320
So after failing first year,
34
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:31,560
you came to live with me and Mum
that summer,
35
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,800
and for the first time
since Dad died,
36
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,800
I felt part of a proper family home.
37
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,880
And you finally opened up about
how you hadn't always felt
38
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,720
part of one either.
39
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,920
ALARM BEEPS
RAISED MUFFLED VOICES
40
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,160
DAD: What you done with it?
What you done with it?
41
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,080
SIGHS
MUM, MUFFLED: ..I'm a monster.
42
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:51,760
I just bought her a pint!
43
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,760
I bought her a pint.
Yeah, all right.
44
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,360
What you taking an attitude for?
45
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,440
I bought her a pint because
it's MY money, isn't it?
46
00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:59,640
I've got a job coming!
Cos I told you,
47
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,240
Troy's gonna pay me!
48
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,200
THEY CONTINUE ARGUING
49
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,640
..sick of hearing you say that!
50
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:07,160
You're talking rubbish!
Where's my top?
51
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,360
# Don't want to lose you
52
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,880
# Don't want to lose
53
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,560
# Don't want to lose you... #
You're driving me mad!
54
00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:17,600
You once told me about the time
your parents rowed
55
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,720
so bad they forgot to
take you to school.
56
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,920
How, on this occasion, they both
didn't come back for days,
57
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,640
each one believing
the other one was home with you.
58
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,400
BRAKES SCREECH
So you were just stood at your door
59
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:31,960
completely by yourself.
60
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,560
# Your body's awful
61
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,120
# The very shape... #
62
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,520
And that was the day...
63
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:44,200
Hello?
SIGHS
64
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,480
..you left and moved
in with your nan.
65
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,120
Hurry up, Danny.
66
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,240
My dad had one wish for his 60th -
67
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,400
that we all pilgrimage to the most
beautiful spot in Watford.
68
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,960
Somewhere he'd go after chemo
that would provide solace
69
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,200
and clarity of thought.
So we went to the...
70
00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,360
# Pub! Pub!
We're going to the pub!
71
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:16,320
# Shannon's planning a party that
You're all gonna love!
72
00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:18,120
Well, it's not a pub as such.
73
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,600
It's more like a sports
and social club.
74
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,120
It's rough as dogs, more like.
Shut up, posh spice.
75
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,600
Thank you, Corinne.
76
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:27,840
Jack's become a real snob
since being the first to go uni.
77
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:31,080
The other day
he made me try choriz-EE-o.
78
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:32,280
It's actually chori-THO.
79
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,360
Nah, it's actually not.
80
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,960
I was a holiday rep in Magaluf
and they all just say chor-IZZO.
81
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,840
Can you all just hurry up
a bit, please?
82
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,720
Because I've planned a very good
finger buffet that is going stale.
83
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,280
A finger buffet for
a dead man's birthday.
84
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,040
IN POSH ACCENT: Ooh.
Will there be chorizo?
85
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:50,640
And crudites with sweet
chilli sauce?
GIGGLES
86
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,520
I remember a time
without sweet chilli sauce.
87
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,000
Yes, and it was shit, wasn't it?!
88
00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,680
Britain before sweet chilli sauce
was shit, actually.
89
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:02,600
And now it's bearable, so come on!
90
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,040
Here we are. Yours first, darling.
91
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,080
Thank you.
92
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:08,640
For you. Lovely, thank you.
93
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,640
Here we are, ladies.
Thanks, Nan. Here's yours.
94
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:16,480
Oh, yeah.
95
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,040
Your mum did tell me
you're a gay boy now.
96
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,800
MUFFLED LAUGHTER
Grab your old man stool.
97
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,680
So, as my cousin Shannon
tried to pull the pub chef
98
00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,280
who fingered her in year 11,
99
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,760
my nan gambled away
her basic state pension
100
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,880
and I sat surrounded by
shit chat about Nick Clegg,
101
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,200
a mobile DJ called Keith interrupted
every song with an anecdote
102
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:47,960
about footie or X Factor, or how...
103
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,800
This party can't go on all night.
104
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,400
Got to get back to my wife.
105
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,120
Keith didn't have a wife.
106
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,880
And as you'd just got back into uni,
107
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,800
you were adamant to find us all
a home that you'd always dreamed of.
108
00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:00,360
So, I'm thinking one of them
big American fridges, yeah?
109
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,280
A garden flat enough for a hot tub,
like, a bathroom with a bidet.
110
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,360
Ooh. A bidet is a gift to a bottom.
111
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,520
Do you just make everything
about gay sex?
112
00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,080
I wasn't.
113
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,360
Danny, are you going to be able
to find somewhere nice?
114
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,560
Because, you know, second year
of our degree actually counts.
115
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,080
Yes, and I'm going to need some
pretty private quarters,
116
00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:19,200
as I have quite a few gentlemen
of the night who frequent.
117
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,280
You don't need to be polite
around me, darl.
118
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,320
I know you love cock.
LAUGHTER
119
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,960
All right, listen,
I'm going to find us
120
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,240
a beautiful little family home,
all right? Don't worry about it.
121
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,040
And I love having lots of people
around me,
122
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,920
even if they are complete
strangers from Grindr.
123
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,240
Can I just say... Yeah?
124
00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,560
..not to be racist,
125
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,000
but I have never lived
with two whole Caucasians before.
126
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:38,400
Oh, babe, you'll be grand.
127
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:41,320
My mum's so white me and dad
have our own cupboard in the kitchen
128
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,880
because her seasoning
capabilities are fucking shocking.
129
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,240
I used to spend a lot of time
in here as a kid,
130
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,640
mostly cos it was always
too loud and laddy
131
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,720
and cos I had really bad IBS.
132
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,920
PERSON CLEARS THROAT
133
00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,560
WHISPERING: Oh, my God.
134
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,000
I haven't told Jack that we've been
smoking weed all summer.
135
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,680
Oh. Thank you.
136
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,960
Don't need an earful
from my own son.
137
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,280
You know, I might ask out Corinne.
138
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,560
You should.
139
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,240
Yeah. She's got a great arse.
140
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,000
Mm, she does have a great arse.
141
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,120
I mean, we both do.
GIGGLES
142
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:25,840
I just think we'd be
really good together.
143
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,400
Babe...
144
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,800
..sometimes you just
got to go for it.
145
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,440
Like, would you ever
want to date again?
146
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,160
Maybe.
147
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,320
Don't tell Jack.
148
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,880
Problem with blokes my age
149
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:43,800
is the good ones are taken
150
00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:46,080
and the rest are, like, perverts,
151
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,560
alkies or can't get it up.
152
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:52,200
To be fair, I think that's the same
with blokes of all ages.
153
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:56,640
And so I got down on my knees
154
00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:00,680
after finally coming out during the
gayest summer in British history,
155
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,080
with the first gay weddings,
first drag winner of Eurovision
156
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,440
and first album from Kylie in years
157
00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:07,720
and I...
158
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,240
Oh, fuck! My eye! Ah!
159
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:11,480
# It's in your eye... #
160
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:14,320
..got a mobile DJ's cock in the eye.
161
00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,920
WOMAN: Keith, you in here?
162
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,240
ZIPPING
Just coming, love.
Your record player's jammed
163
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,240
and all we can hear is,
"It's Britney, bitch" over and over.
164
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,280
Hey, you all right, Gabriel?
What's going on?
165
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:25,520
We need to go now.
166
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:26,560
What? What's that?
167
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,200
Hang on, has someone just
started on you?
168
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,120
No, no, no, I just need to go, OK?
169
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,960
You got a dick
in the eye, didn't you?
170
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,680
The DJ's been Grindr messaging me
all night,
171
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,120
begging me to come to the loo.
172
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,800
What are you doing trying to have
sex at your dead dad's 60th?
173
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,320
Respect. I wasn't.
174
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,240
There was a hole in the wall.
Hey, what's wrong with your eye?
175
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,120
Nothing. Let me kiss it better.
176
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,160
ALL: No!
177
00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,160
The problem you have, Jack,
is you're going for the wrong guys.
178
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,120
What? I wasn't going for Keith.
179
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,400
I just, I finally come out
to everyone,
180
00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:59,360
and yet my sexual life
is still a disaster.
181
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,760
It seems to me that
you've come out to all of the
182
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,080
important straight
people in your life,
183
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,280
but you've forgotten to inform
one very crucial group.
184
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,520
Who? The gays, Jack.
185
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,760
You're not proactively doing
anything about loving cock.
186
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,400
Being gay isn't just loving cock.
187
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:13,720
It's quite a prerequisite.
188
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:17,440
Right, listen. This year,
you need to get out there IRL, OK?
189
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,840
Start chatting some lads up.
I mean, look.
190
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,760
Take a leaf out of
your cousin's book.
191
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,240
Snogging.
192
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,120
For that month before second year,
193
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:34,000
I read numerous gay self-help books
about how not to be scared of anal.
194
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:37,000
Meanwhile, you became
increasingly anal when viewing
195
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,160
any of the available student flats.
196
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:48,240
# It feels so good to be back
197
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,360
# But our love is gone
198
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,640
# It's our favourite song
199
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:53,760
# Oh, no
200
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,320
# I could have made a picture... #
201
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,840
Ooh. Are you and her still kinda...
202
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:02,400
I don't know, maybe.
203
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,120
I quite like her, you know?
204
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:05,400
She's just so chill.
205
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,360
Danny! It has been four weeks
206
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:08,960
since you promised to find
us a house
207
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,320
and you've secured fuck all!
208
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,960
Look, I'm just trying to find us
an amazing place with a hot tub.
209
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,720
EXHALES EXPLOSIVELY
Right.
210
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,720
I am back from Scotland
for 24 hours only,
211
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:22,680
in which time we have to find
a house before I scoot off back home
212
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:25,320
to vote in a referendum
for our independence.
213
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,360
So my people are never again
lumped with yous lot.
214
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,520
All right, Braveheart.
Shoes on, lads.
215
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:32,240
MUFFLED SCOLDING CONTINUES
Aw. I'll miss Scotland if they go.
216
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,880
Hm. I love shortbread.
217
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:35,920
And...
218
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:38,600
..Lorraine.
219
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,440
Thank you. Thank you.
220
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,000
Please be quicker. OK...
Please be quicker.
221
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,960
Mm! What a woman!
222
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,320
Christ, Jan! Slow down.
223
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,000
You've nearly done me out a loaf.
224
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:53,360
I know. I am just so hungry
at the moment.
225
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,000
Honestly, you know what they say.
If you can smell toast...
226
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,000
You might be having a stroke?
227
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,080
A stroke of luck, that is,
because somebody's made toast.
228
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,240
Oh, for the love of God.
229
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,440
CORINNE SIGHS
230
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,200
Take a number.
It is first come, first serve
231
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,840
and you may be
stood here a little while.
232
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,480
Uh, please do not get
Just Eat delivered to this location!
233
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,240
There is no recycling
or waste facilities!
234
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,480
God, this is like my
X Factor audition.
235
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,080
You auditioned for X factor?
236
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:26,440
No, no, no, no, no. What?
237
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,680
Yes. Me and my college friends
were in a band called
238
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,680
The Slag Pipes.
239
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,000
Well, I auditioned for the
S Club Juniors, but they said
240
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,720
the other kids would have never
been able to keep up with me.
241
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,240
You once told me you did that.
242
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,040
I just stood and cried
when the backing track began.
243
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,560
Dad had to drive me home.
244
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,600
I just really wanted
to meet Bradley, you know? Yeah.
245
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,160
..a lot of properties
don't actually have that.
If you'd like to go through.
246
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,600
We're never going to get this.
Oh, come on, it'll be fine.
247
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,800
This is the first day of
the rest of your life.
248
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,240
This is the first day
of the rest of your life.
249
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,840
Has it been like this
the whole time?
250
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:56,880
I mean, I don't know.
251
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:58,960
I've been looking at much
nicer houses than this.
252
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,040
Oh, God. What if it's like this
for every viewing?
253
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,160
It is. This is
one of the most competitive
254
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,680
student property markets in London,
if not the world.
255
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:08,280
Up your game, girls. Play dirty.
256
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,120
I'm sorry. Who is this?
257
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:14,080
Well, let's just say every year
I see friendship groups torn apart
258
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:15,680
by this process.
259
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:18,360
In the quest to make
a home in this realm.
260
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,520
This other Eden.
261
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,760
This over-expensive demi-Paradise
known as Brent.
262
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,800
Right. If we have to play dirty,
we're going to get fucking filthy,
263
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,360
boys, this is war.
264
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,200
You actually frighten me, Corinne.
265
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,560
I've had a semi since "Slag Pipes".
266
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,560
Can I see some photos,
actually? No.
267
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:44,880
Oh, hell, no. Oh, shit.
268
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,160
Shit. Shit. Shit.
269
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:48,960
Right, lads, new plan.
270
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:52,600
OK? We have to start being the very
first four people outside a house.
271
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,000
What if we're the first four people
INSIDE the house?
272
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,160
Mate, you don't have to do this.
273
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,200
Shut up, Jack! We need this place.
274
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,400
Worst he'll do is just
shatter his collarbone.
275
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:06,440
What?!
276
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:07,680
It's fine. You're doing great.
277
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,080
Nicely done, Dan, pal.
278
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,120
Hi. Very nice.
279
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,720
Shit. That's,
that's the estate agent's early.
280
00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,640
Jack, go and distract him.
What, how?
281
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,600
Go and chat him up or something,
all right? Get some practice in.
282
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,040
THUDDING
CLATTERING
We good?
283
00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:24,880
This place is amazing.
284
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,120
Come over!
285
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,600
Just let us in, Danny.
286
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:31,240
PEGGY: Sharon, darl...
287
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,280
Yeah? I couldn't help but notice
288
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,360
there's sick in the toilet pan.
289
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,880
Yeah, I know.
290
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,440
I was so, so sick
when I first got here.
291
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,120
Well, you could have flushed it away.
292
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,920
Well, no, because I keep being sick.
293
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,840
So I've uploaded a picture
of the sick to a Facebook group,
294
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,760
right, where this woman
called Anoushka Delafonte
295
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:50,960
analyses your sick,
296
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,520
tells you what's
wrong with you, like,
297
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,520
whether it's an allergy
or something sinister.
298
00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,840
OK. But still, you could
have flushed the sick.
299
00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:02,480
Oh, my God! What if Anoushka
Delafonte needs more sick pics?
300
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:03,920
What if she needs a different angle?
301
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,320
What if she needs a sample?
302
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:06,880
OK, well, I've flushed it, so...
303
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,920
Well...
SHARON SCOFFS
304
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,320
..let's just hope Anoushka
doesn't need it
305
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,040
for further inquiry, shall we?
306
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,480
Hello, you.
307
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:17,720
Hi.
308
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:19,920
Are you looking for the property?
309
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,840
I'm looking for lots
of things, really.
310
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,080
Mates, dates...
311
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,440
..village fetes.
312
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,040
If you catch my drift.
313
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,680
Well, there's one outside
Hemel Hempstead I go to.
314
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,600
And do you come here often?
315
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:40,760
Erm, well, if a tenant has an issue,
I will endeavour to fix it. So...
316
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,400
Cool.
317
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:43,640
Er, no. No, no, no.
318
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:46,240
Now, look, I know what
you're trying to do.
319
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:47,960
And you're not
going to skip the queue.
320
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,920
And I'm married - to my wife.
321
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,200
I'm just musical theatre trained
and used to have a lisp.
322
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,440
YEMI: I want en suites.
323
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,400
Yeah, go on, fill your boots.
324
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,320
OK, yeah, this is sick. Right?
325
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,520
Yeah, this is sick.
326
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:09,880
We could make this
such a nice little family home.
327
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,640
I'll be out in the garden just,
like, chopping wood, topless.
328
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:13,760
Probably.
329
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:17,040
You'll be in the kitchen,
topless, I imagine. Shut up.
330
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,560
Think of us all having, like,
family meals around here
331
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,200
on our shit Ikea plates.
332
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,440
Me and you and our two
little gay sons.
333
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,520
CORINNE CHUCKLES
Oh, sweet.
334
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,800
Maybe even get some art. Yeah, OK.
335
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,360
Do you know what art is, Danny?
336
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,680
Uh, yes.
337
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:32,880
I know what art is.
338
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,040
Look at this place. Yeah.
339
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,600
And just think, like, you know,
340
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,480
some nights put the kids to bed...
341
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,160
..and we can have a
little romantic meal for two.
342
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,640
CORINNE LAUGHS
What?
343
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:48,960
I'm being serious.
344
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:51,480
Like...
345
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:56,920
..why not give this a proper go?
346
00:14:58,680 --> 00:14:59,680
Danny...
347
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,360
Corinne.
348
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:05,600
Um...
349
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,760
Jesus. You know that I love you.
350
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,840
Um, but back in Edinburgh,
351
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:14,640
I've sort of
started seeing somebody.
352
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,880
Oh, God. Oh.
353
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:19,040
OK, that makes sense.
354
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,680
I didn't, I didn't want to say
anything whilst you were getting
355
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,880
back on your feet
and I know that we have history,
356
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,240
but I didn't... It's fine. Listen.
357
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:28,120
It's good. History is history, so...
358
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,200
CORINNE SHRIEKS
359
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,920
ESTATE AGENT SCREAMS
360
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,000
SHARON GASPS
361
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,160
Oh, Shan. What's wrong?
362
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,360
What's Anoushka Delafonte saying?
363
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,560
TOILET FLUSHES
Peggy, if I'm pregnant,
364
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,280
who's going to do
my kid's party bookings?
365
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,800
You know, I was going to launch
my own company next year with Nan!
366
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,960
Shan and Nanigan's Party Planners!
367
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,640
But don't worry about that yet.
368
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,160
We've still got options.
369
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,080
But I wanted to travel
round South America.
370
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,600
I was hoping to run
the London Marathon.
371
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,760
You know, what if
I can't do that now?
372
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,360
Well, that might be a blessing.
373
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,520
Oh, shit.
374
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,640
Oh. What? I've applied to go
on Tipping Point.
375
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,840
SHARON CRIES OUT
376
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:15,880
Firstly...
377
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,160
..trespass!
378
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,560
Secondly, the decimation
of cherished antique teapots!
379
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,600
And thirdly, I'm taking all of you
off of our viewings list.
380
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,600
Good luck trying to find
somewhere to live now.
381
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,520
What? Fuck's sake!
382
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,320
I knew this plan
was doomed from the start.
383
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,800
Listen, we'll just take it now, OK?
384
00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,880
All right, I'll go in there,
I'll clean up, OK?
385
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,120
I'll pay for all the damages.
You cannot live here anyway.
386
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,480
This is an LGBTQ+ only house share.
387
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,360
Yeah, I know, but... You knew?!
388
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,000
Yes. Yeah, all right. I was going
to tell him I was asexual,
389
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,840
but he can obviously tell
I love the puss...
390
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:46,920
Danny, shut up!
391
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,680
Corinne, you're not LGBT.
392
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:50,280
Come off it, Jack.
I'm obviously bi.
393
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:51,800
I knew I should have gone solo.
394
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,360
No. You and me were going
to find a two-bed at one point.
395
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,640
Oh, what? You both were
going to move somewhere without us?!
396
00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,040
Jack, you live so close to uni,
I can smell your mum's Asda
potpourri from here.
397
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:01,880
YOU leave my mum's potpourri
out of this!
398
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,000
Guys... Face it.
399
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,720
We have five days until term starts
and we have nowhere to fucking live!
400
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,200
Just live here, then!
401
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,280
All right? You lot just live here.
402
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,960
Just fucking live here.
403
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,560
MELANCHOLY PIANO CHORDS PLAY
404
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,080
Fuck.
405
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,880
PEGGY: Shan!
406
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,160
You've been in there 45 minutes.
407
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,480
Talk to me.
408
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:29,840
Shan?
409
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,640
TEARFULLY: Pegs... Oh.
410
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,800
I'm going to have a baby!
PEGGY GASPS
411
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:40,240
Oh, darl! Oh...
412
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:44,200
# I wanna hold you in my... #
THEY CRY LAUGH
413
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,840
Aw! But d'you actually want
a baby, though?
414
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,960
Because you wanted to go travelling.
415
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,680
Yeah, and I will.
416
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:57,280
But I'll just go around
Costa del Sol with my son instead.
417
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,120
PEGGY GASPS
SHARON LAUGHS
Oh, yes!
418
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,160
Aw!
419
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,360
Oh. Anyways, it could be a daughter.
420
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:04,960
No, it's defs a boy.
421
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,360
Because I've done nine tests
and every single one
422
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,920
has come up
with a blue cross.
423
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,320
Right.
424
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,240
Can I ask about the father?
425
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:15,040
Yeah. Can you not,
actually? Just because
426
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,240
I'd rather think
about that another time.
427
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,720
OK. Yeah.
428
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,760
How are you going to tell Nan?
429
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:23,840
How are YOU going to tell Nan?
430
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,800
Cos I obviously can't.
431
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,520
Not in my condition.
432
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:29,720
Oh.
433
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,160
Danny's still not answering.
434
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,880
I was being such a dick.
435
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:36,960
Don't worry.
436
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,840
He just really wanted us
to find a nice place together.
437
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,160
Yeah. OK, let's just get on
the emergency housing list
438
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,480
and see what they have.
439
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,640
Ah, well, if it's emergency
housing you're after,
440
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:47,160
I'm afraid there IS an emergency
441
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,440
in that I've run out of emergency
and very much waiting
442
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,280
for more emergency to emerge.
443
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:55,120
So in the meantime,
I suggest you find hostels
444
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:57,120
or boyfriends or...
445
00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,040
OK, Jules, this is the second time
you've let me down.
446
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:02,960
Hm. And that's fine,
447
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,760
but Danny needs somewhere stable.
448
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,000
So what I'm going to propose to you
449
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:10,800
is that you let us back into...
450
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:11,880
The blue shed?
451
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:12,960
For all four of us.
452
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,840
We're lodgers,
but we're paying full rent.
453
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,080
Yay! Get in!
454
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,200
Come here!
455
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,480
THEY CHUCKLE
Oh, my God, are you serious?
456
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:20,720
CHUCKLING: Yes. Oh.
457
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,200
CHUCKLING: Aw! I'm so sorry.
458
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:24,240
I've been such a twat.
I've literally been sat here
459
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,720
looking for two-beds
for you and Yemi.
460
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,760
There's no need, pal.
We'll get enough shite Ikea plates
461
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:28,800
for the four of us.
462
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:30,280
OK. Yeah? I'm getting my room back.
463
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,520
Yeah, you are.
464
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,800
WHISPERING: Yeah?
Let's just keep the baby thing -
465
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,840
all the detail - from
Jack's gang, please.
466
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,000
I really want to make
a big impact on Facebook
467
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:41,280
when I upload a scan pic,
get the likes in, you know.
468
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,400
LOUDLY: Sshh!
Want some bubbles, gals?
469
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:45,840
Oh, not for me, thanks.
470
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,200
Come on, we're celebrating.
471
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,800
Yeah, but I can't cos of the baby.
472
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,800
Oh, no.
473
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:56,440
Jack, can you just pop into the
kitchen, please, a minute?
474
00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,480
Me and Shan have got something
we need to tell you.
475
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,520
OK.
476
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,560
INDISTINCT CHATTER
477
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:07,040
Right. Well,
we heard some news tonight.
478
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,840
And we wouldn't want you
to find out from anyone else.
479
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,280
What? What is it?
480
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:16,960
Well, it's,
481
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:20,200
it's just been confirmed that...
482
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,520
That Alison Hammond is doing
Strictly Come Dancing.
483
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,280
No! Deep breaths.
484
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,160
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Oh, my God!
485
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,680
I'll need to be home
every Saturday night to watch it.
486
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,520
No. I told you
this was going to happen.
487
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,080
No, no, no, Jack,
you need to be more outgoing.
488
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,720
Come home on Sundays hungover
and we'll watch together.
489
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:41,960
Yeah, great idea, Mum.
490
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,200
If I watch it Sundays,
491
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,920
I won't be able to vote in time.
492
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,520
Will I?!
493
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,400
He's nasty to you.
494
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,680
Here you are. Aw, your key?
495
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,920
Thanks for letting me
stay this summer.
496
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,200
Yeah. I really do, like...
497
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,680
Any time.
498
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,000
Night-night, Danny.
499
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,200
Night-night, Pegs.
500
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:25,560
# Like I did... #
501
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:26,600
Night-night, Laurie.
502
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:32,800
DANNY: God, this is weird.
503
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,040
It smells exactly the same,
doesn't it?
504
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,640
I know, like dust and jizz.
505
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:37,800
Dusty jizz.
506
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,760
And so we started our
second year at Brent Uni
507
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,960
knowing we had to make it count.
508
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,800
# Let's run away... #
509
00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:46,920
She's nearly here.
510
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:49,840
Come, come, come, come,
come, quick.
511
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,320
# The stars...
512
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:53,440
Hello?!
513
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,120
Walk. Walk, walk.
514
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,560
# The stars will guide us
515
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,160
# Let's run away... #
516
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,840
BOTH: Hey!
517
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,120
Freedom!
CORINNE LAUGHS
518
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,360
Yeah. We're sorry Scotland didn't go.
519
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,160
But we just wanted to say,
whether you ever leave us or not,
520
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,200
we'll never leave you.
521
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:13,960
You daft pricks. Come here.
522
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,080
Come here.
523
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,600
THEY CHUCKLE
ALL: Mm!
524
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,160
Aw, very sweet.
525
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:21,240
Thank you.
526
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,720
Is your new Scottish boyfriend
going to be wearing a kilt
527
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,040
every time he comes over?
528
00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:26,440
Spencer's English, sadly.
529
00:22:26,480 --> 00:22:28,520
What? Yes.
Just graduated from Edinburgh Uni
530
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,000
and he lives in Highgate.
531
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,200
What does he do?
532
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,640
Is he a twat?
533
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,320
You will take the piss. I won't.
534
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,480
Yes, you will. I won't.
535
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,360
He's a spoken word artist.
536
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,800
I actually think that's
really brave.
537
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,680
No, go on, then. Spoken word.
538
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:45,720
Yeah. Get into it.
539
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,600
Lives unheard
540
00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:48,960
Tales of...
541
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:50,960
Turds. Oh, fuck off!
542
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,000
And he is coming to stay next
week, so can we please just...
543
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,000
Look, I'm happy for you. I am.
544
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:00,520
Hello, you.
545
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,440
Welcome home.
546
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:03,840
You OK, mate?
547
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,080
Yeah.
548
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,160
You know.
549
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:07,840
Onwards and upwards.
550
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,280
I mean, look, now my dick works,
551
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:11,480
I'm going to be doing a lot
more shagging in here,
552
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,040
so you might want to invest
in some earplugs.
553
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,000
Same.
554
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,760
I am here, you know.
555
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,200
Sorry, Shannon. Yeah.
556
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,600
Look, thanks for helping us out.
557
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:24,080
Nah, who am I to talk?
I'm the one that's bloody pregnant.
558
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,240
Fuck's sake!
559
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:27,720
I keep doing that.
560
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,800
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