All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E06.720p.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

There was a guy I went out
with who was so cute.

We went to go smoke weed
at his house.

It was going great.
We were having fun.

I was, like, oh, my God.
I, like, had reached that point

in the date where I was,
like, I'm gonna kiss this guy.

Like, I would kiss him
for sure.

- Mm-hmm.
- And then he got a phone call.

And he was, like, "Oh, my God.

Oh, hold...
Oh, my God."

And then he ran off
and I was texting my friends,

like, how long do you let a guy
talk on the phone without...

when you just go,
I'm gonna leave.

And they were like,
ten minutes.

And it was already at,
like, 18 minutes.

I love how long
his fake call lasted.

"She's still not leaving.
I know.

"She's pathetic. I know.
It's been 17 minutes.

I think she's eating
my seaweed snacks."

[laughs]

♪ I won't miss my flight

♪ I feel so all alone
out on the road ♪

♪ Can you welcome me home

[upbeat music]

Do not hesitate to let me
know if you have any questions.

I've eaten all the things.
- Ooh.

I've drank most
of the things.

I won't lie to you.
Is that fair?

That's so fair.
Thank you.

You can lie to me.

You'll be the first man
who doesn't.

- Okay, all right.
- [laughs]

I'll be back with you.
I've got someone to help.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Oh, look at this guy.
- He is here.

Oh, hey, pal.

What's up,
what's up, what's up?

Whoa, a back of the head kiss.

Yeah, he kissed me
on the side of the head.

Honestly, when you walked in
I was like, who's that hot guy?

[laughter]

How dare you be looking
for hot guys.

Yeah, when I turned around.
I was.

Since my failed attempt at
having a serious conversation

with Chris about our future...

Sometimes I'm like,
Glase just wants to be a wife

and it's whatever sucker
is willing to do it.

♪

I haven't
brought it up again,

but I think
that's a conversation

I should be able to have.

I don't think that's
such a tall order, you know?

Chris is short, so he's
not able to, you know...

[chuckles]
Get taller.

Does anybody else feel like
a child at this table?

Yes, I was thinking,
like, some high chair.

- Yes.
- 'Cause it's like...

A little cut... can you
just have a cut up hot dog?

This metaphor fell off,
but you know what I'm saying.

[laughs]

Thanks for joining us.
- Yeah.

What are you guys doing?
- We went to the studio today.

- Yeah, we finished the song.
- Finished the song.

both:
♪ Even though I know I can't

That's so good.
both: ♪ Be hard to believe

♪ Even though
these drugs make me ♪

♪ So restless

We listened to it
this morning

and Andrew had not heard it.
- He cried.

Like you got
weirdly emotional.

Not emotional, but you were
just really impressed

which, like, meant a lot to me.

- Well, it sounded good.
- Thanks, man.

Are you gonna cry?

No, I just gotta fart.

- I moved to it as well.
- You never cried?

I've still never felt a
feeling before so it's like...

I know that's why I'm like,
when have you...

I've been trying
to do stuff like that.

It sounds awesome.

- [chuckles weakly]
- Ugh.

I like that you are saying
that you don't feel feelings

and it's new to you.
I'm glad you're aware of that.

Oh, yeah.
[laughs]

Busted.

I just need Chris
to work on himself.

If you're not willing
to work on yourself, get out.

Nikki is all over the place.

I want unconditional love.

She's a bit
of a flip-flopper.

I don't know what she expects, actually.

I want to be able
to do anything

and have him still love me.

He could do anything and I...

no, that's not true.

Do you want kids?
Are you getting married?

Is this a thing?
There's no consistency.

I don't know if she even knows
if she wants to have kids.

If I want to have a family,

I'm not gonna be able to
have one for that much longer.

But then, you know,

she's gonna turn out
to be a nun in 15 years.

Like, I don't know.

When was the last time
you cried?

[laughs]

Um, I don't know.
I do cry sometimes,

but I can't remember
the last time I did.

Mm. My order tonight
might test you.

Okay.

♪

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Oh, my...
- Mall Madness?

- Yes, Mall Madness.
- Oh, my God.

Well, I found it
in the closet.

- Holy.
- No, it's amazing.

Our Magic 8 Ball.
- Dice?

Are we gonna
have fun tonight?

"Better not tell you now."

This one is
playing hard to get.

- Cookie Crisp!
- Pringles.

Ring Pop.
- Yes.

Oh, my God.
That's as wild as it gets.

Our sleepovers
used to be, like, the best.

Like, can Kerstin
spend the night?

Please?

Is, like, I should
name my child that

because it's the best sound
I could ever hear.

'Cause it means,
like, it's Friday.

- Nick.
- And you're probably

spending the night because
my parents always said yes.

Yeah, but now it's like
I can't stay up past 10:00.

So that's a thing.
- [laughs]

So are you gonna be mad
if we call boys?

Oh, my God,
we should prank boys.

Oh, my God, do EJ.

[laughs]
[phone ringing]

I'm just gonna
say it real fast

so it doesn't
sound like anything.

Hello?

[high pitched voice]
Hi, is this EJ Glaser?

[laughs]
You've got him.

Oh, well great.
I just...

I wanted to give you a call
because I just wanted to ask

if you wouldn't mind playing
at my 98th birthday

this November 10.
- [laughs]

- I would love to.
- Great.

My husband,
Herb, will Venmo you.

It's gonna come from hotdaddy42.

[laughs]

- Damn it!
- Oh.

She's good.
- She's so good.

- She's really good at...
- God.

We call it stringing.

You also call getting high
"getting off."

One time my parents took
a marijuana edible

and they were both
asking each other,

"Did you get off from that
last night?"

And I got, "What the hell
are you talking about?

Why were you getting off
at a James Taylor concert?"

[laughs]

He's gonna fall off.

Will you just, like, pull him
towards you a little bit?

Luigi is me
between LA and St. Louis.

Just the floor is St. Louis.
- [laughs]

You're gonna stay here,
aren't you?

I don't know.

I mean, I'm going to LA soon

and I feel like
going back there,

I'll be able to really assess.

- What are you missing in LA?
- Yeah.

- That is there and not here?
- Doing comedy every night.

- But do you miss that?
- I don't now.

But I have someone
to hang out with all the time.

I mean, I don't want to put it
all on Chris at all,

but, like, if we were
to stop hanging out,

it would be, like...
it would suck.

It's all kind of
hinging on Chris right now.

- I want commitment.
- Yeah.

And he isn't definitive
about what he wants

out of our relationship.

Yeah, I could see that.

I'm tired of it.
I am.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It's hard, Nikki.

I don't know
what to say about that.

I want to be wanted.

It's the difference between
being, like,

I want Mexican tonight.
Let's go get Mexican food.

Or, yeah, I can have Mexican,
that's fine.

He's the first boyfriend
I've had.

Well, that's the problem.

He's the only boyfriend
you've really ever had.

- Nikki and Chris, I mean...
- Back and forth those two.

I mean, when's it gonna end?

How's it gonna all end?

Let's just make a decision,
come on.

Let's go.

Let's get to
the end of this book.

Chop, chop.

It could be a little
shortsighted, though, to think,

like, if it's not Chris,
there's no other guys.

I get it.
It's a little...

I'm not saying
there's nothing else here,

but I'm saying
it's slim pickings.

I'm constantly
swiping on all the apps

and you know,
I keep my eyes peeled,

My DM's are open,

I put it out there
that I'm single on every pod--

like, I don't know
what else I can do.

Maybe guys are intimidated,
so they don't...

- They should be.
- Well, yeah, so...

I'm a catch.

I mean,
if they're intimidated by me,

they're not
the right person for me.

- Yeah.
- What am I supposed to do?

Be more like...
- No.

[chuckles]

Not like that.
I hate that.

[laughs]

What's the weather
out there?

I think wherever you go,
it'd be 100 degrees.

If you know what I mean.

- What'd you just say?
- [laughs]

Hold on.

♪ I just broke my guitar
with my toes ♪

Who are you, Jimmy Foot-drix?
[laughs]

God, I'm gonna get
a whole new fanbase.

[upbeat music]

♪

We're at Andrew's favorite
place in the world.

He is obsessed with this.

Andrew.
Oh, my God.

- Yo, right?
- Yo, what up with this?

- Hi.
- This is JR.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you both.

Nikki.
What are you?

I'm a golf professional here.

What do you really love
about gold?

I just love that
it keeps me away from you.

It does drive a wedge
between us.

[laughs]
A pitching wedge.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And I also often feel
sand trapped with you.

At least I have drive.

You're just a hole
I don't want to get in.

[laughter]

All right, you want
to go out and hit?

Yeah.
This is gonna be embarrassing.

♪

All right.
Loose them--get loose.

- Whoo.
- Get loose.

Loose as a goose.
All right, good.

Now take this hand.
- Over my thumb?

Yes, right there.
All right, try it out.

- Okay, loose...
- As a goose.

-----.
- [laughs]

♪

- Ooh.
- That would hurt someone.

- Whoa.
- Where did that go?

I think it went on the roof.

- Oh, mother of God.
- [laughs]

Whiffing a golf ball

or it, like, going off
to the side,

is one of the worst feelings
in the world

and I was voted off first
on "Dancing with the Stars."

[yells]
- [laughs]

Violence!

Oh,----.

It just feels so unfulfilling

and it makes me
want to throw a racket.

- JR's here, by the way.
- Let the pro come in.

Yeah, JR,
what can I do better?

So upper body, hands,
and club,

you're doing great, right?
We're hitting the ball good,

but if we follow through
a little bit more?

- Whoa, that helped me.
- Kerstin, that was great.

- Yes, so...
- I just did that.

- Look at Kerstin's foot there.
- Whoo.

And then
once you're over there,

just kind of hang out
and hold your balance.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Dude, that is...
- Whoo-hoo!

You hit that 140 in the air
which is very, very good.

Okay.

Wait, what happened
to your arm?

Single too long?

No, it wasn't
that type of accident.

I had a little surgery.
- Uh-huh.

- And I'm just recovering.
- Oh, nice.

What's the beard hiding?

You look like
you have a strong chin.

I have a chin, yeah.

Yeah, a lot of times
beards are...

Probably hiding extra weight,
you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

JR is cute.
- So cute.

So right now,
I'm not committed to anything.

I'm still test driving.

Nikki eventually
is gonna get a boyfriend.

- [laughs]
- She eventually will.

This is what
this interview's about, right?

How long
have you been single?

- Uh, too long.
- Are you on Bumble?

No, I'm not on
any dating apps or anything.

Why?
Why aren't you on dating apps?

I don't know,
maybe believe in fate?

Are you an f-boy
or a nice guy?

I don't want to say
I'm a nice guy.

That has just the same
terrible connotations

as f-boy, right?
- Right?

That's a good answer.
- Just a man, you know?

- Just a man.
- I like that.

it's not easy for me
to consider other options

when I am super into Chris,

but I'm actually considering
and looking at another man

that is in St. Louis
and being like,

could this be something?

And for right now,
that other man is

Andrew's golf pro.

I should put something
on the bottom of my shoe

and be, like,
JR, look at my swing.

- Yeah.
- And it says, like, "DM me."

Like, like, "You're hot."

- Kerstin, go get paper, tape.
- Tape.

Okay, I'll go find it.
- Yeah.

If I went out with JR,
would that be weird for you?

No.
It better get me free lessons.

Ah, yes. Sweet.

Let's just put my number.

Don't break his heart
because I like him as a coach.

Okay.
Yeah.

Um, JR, will you
check out my swing?

Watch what I'm doing
with my foot.

I think you'll really like it.
- Okay.

Okay, here we go.
Hold on.

Okay.

[laughs]

- It's my number.
- Oh, that's your phone number?

Yeah.

Here, you can have it
if you want.

[laughter]

It's cute, right?

Oh, we're out of balls.
- JR's got two.

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

♪

[phone ringing]

- Hi.
- Hi.

What are you doing,
walking around St. Poo-is?

[laughs]
Yes.

I literally just got poop
on my hands

from not having a dog poop bag.
- [groans]

Well, I actually
used a piece of--

like, a Doritos bag
that I found

and it wasn't easy to do,
so I got poop on my hand.

[laughs] That'd be
a great Doritos commercial.

It'd be a horrible
Doritos commercial.

David Spade
always make me laugh.

He's never too serious
about things.

He always makes fun of me about
St. Louis and living there.

You look great.
- "Joe Dirt" Lego.

- [laughs]
- Look, he's got a mop.

He's always asking me
if I'm dancing

down at the Bojangles
or, like, the Bennigan's.

I don't even know if those
restaurants exist anymore,

but he's not wrong.

Like, I am considering

putting in an application
at Ruby Tuesdays,

and I wouldn't hate it.

Lookit, I just sat on this.
It's so stupid.

It's my Golden Globe
nomination.

[laughing]

I don't know why it's here.
It's so dumb.

Anyway, so, Nik,
it's kind of cloudy there.

Is it or no?
- Yeah.

It's about
to start raining.

But yeah,
it's been beautiful this week.

I mean, the weather's amazing
and I'm like,

oh, I don't need LA,
but then winter's coming

and I'm gonna be, like,
I should go back.

I like you around LA.

When I'm in LA,
I like going out

and doing standup
and going to shows.

It's sort of fun
to go to the Comedy Store

and lean on the wall and just
bull---- with other comics.

[laughs]
Yes.

- It is fun.
- It is, it is.

So it's fun to be in there.

As much as I love St. Louis,

as someone who kind of
wants to slow down,

I do have chronic FOMO.

I've been diagnosed
multiple times.

I really do wish that I could
just be down the street

from my LA friends
and have intimate meals

because they usually pay
for the meal too.

And that's pretty sweet.

I need to make sure
if I go back,

that I have a good--
like, good friends.

Um, we're acquaintances
and I like that.

We're work colleagues.
Friends is a strong word.

I qualify you as one
of my close friends,

but that's fine.

You know what?

We define friendship differently.

- Kind of but...
- [laughs]

All right, back to work
and I'll talk to you soon.

Thank you.
You too.

- Love you.
- All right, bye.

He said I love you.
I heard it.

That is so sweet.

♪

Can we stalk JR on Instagram?
- JR, golf.

Was it fun to meet a boy
out there?

Yeah, he seemed nice

and he didn't seem
really that interested in me.

And I think that's why
I'm into him.

- [laughs]
- But--

I've been texting with JR
and he might stop over.

It's not like a date,

but I'm entertaining the idea
of hanging out with other guys.

You guys will just probably
end up working on your swing.

[laughing]
Yeah.

[dog barks]

[gasps]
Who's that?

Hi, welcome.
This is Luigi.

- Hi, Luigi.
- Hi, thanks for coming over.

Yeah, absolutely.

You gonna get up
for the guest?

- No.
- Hey, JR.

- You remember Kerstin.
- Howdy.

You might recognize me
if I do this.

- Yo.
- [laughs]

- Pretty good.
- Welcome.

Does it make you feel better
sitting next to a club

or, like, next to
some kind of...

There is some comfort there.
[laughter]

I can't say I've ever
slept with a club,

but definitely, there's clubs
around all the time.

What's your astrological
sign?

- I'm a Capricorn.
- Do you believe in astrology?

Yeah.
who knows?

Truthfully, yeah.
Who knows?

Do you go to therapy?

- I have.
- Yeah, same.

Cool.
Do you meditate?

- I do, yup.
- What do you do?

So have you ever heard
of astral projection?

Trying to project yourself
into a different place.

Watching Nikki flirt
is like watching

an FBI detective
break down a suspect.

Do you play
a musical instrument?

I am tone deaf.

- Do you like music?
- Well, it's...

Do you sing ever
to the radio?

Uh...

Like shining the light
in their faces.

Tell me what you did
when you were 12.

And the guy's like,
"I don't know, man.

I just... I stole
a pack of cigarettes."

And she's like,
"What? What did you do?

Anyways, do you want
to take me to dinner?"

What's your favorite thing
on, like,

the St. Louis,
like, night life?

Uh, so I don't drink
or do drugs anymore.

I was really good at it
when I was younger.

- It's a good mental state.
- So you don't do any drugs?

No, no.

I want to do heroin, though.
Have you heard about that?

I've heard about it,
I've never done it, thank God.

I had friends
that have done it

and, like, they loved it.

Well, we're not going
to shoot heroin today.

- Yeah.
- Not, not yet.

JR is cool and nice.

He's not, like, fanboying out.

He talks about his feelings.

He is sober.

Meditates?

Thanks for coming over.
- Yup, thank you.

And we'll see you when
you astral project yourself.

Back to this...

Back to this living room
later on.

I don't think I've ever tried
to go to indoor spaces.

- [laughs]
- Good bye.

Nice seeing y'all.
- Bye, JR.

- All right.
- With that being said,

I don't want
to give up on Chris

until I know that it's
definitely not going to work.

And right now, if I were
to walk away from it,

I would always wonder
what could've happened.

You guys are great wing-people.
- I love being on the wing.

- Yeah, I think he's cute.
- [laughs]

- He is cute.
- I don't know why.

I always see him
with those---- glasses

and, like, I never...

The glasses upside down
would have to go.

I think that's kind of fun.

I don't know.
I kind of dig it.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

These kids weren't here
for two seconds.

They pulled out every toy.

Want some coffee, EJ?
- No, I'm good.

You sure?
I'll make you a latte.

Doesn't this look like...
poop?

[chuckles]

What?
It looks like--

it's the weirdest look
of coffee beans.

- Hello?
- Hello, we're in here.

Hi.
[dog barks]

- Go get her.
- Get her.

Come in here, Nikki.
We're in the den.

- [mimics bark]
- Sic her.

Hi, baby. Hi.

- Hello.
- Hey, Nikki.

- Hello, cuties.
- Look at those pants.

Those are cute on you.
- Thanks.

Let me see.
- Don't, oh.

- Doesn't hurt.
- Let me see the hole.

Oh, that's not bad.

The other day, I was actually
driving my dad to the dentist.

Get in the right.

I have 1.6 miles
to get in the right lane.

Yeah, but everybody's trying
to go there this time of night.

I understand that, but I also
have five cars behind me,

so I'm not looking to
weave in and out of things.

I drive this way all the time

and I always get over
right away.

- Okay, I'll get over.
- There's no reason not to.

I'll get over, Dad.
Whatever makes you happy.

This is your world.

I'm just driving you
to your dental surgery in it.

It feels like
it's an open gate.

Your mom's not gonna be
attracted to me anymore

if I keep...
- Oh, my God.

If you don't
stop showing that.

Your dad without his teeth...

he wants a kiss
and I'm like, no.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Kiss your husband!

- I tried.
- Why? Was that gross?

Well, 'cause he...

You were excited you finally
had an excuse not to do it.

Ha-ha.

[laughter]

Ask me to say something
with an S.

Say Susie sells seashells
by the seashore.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, Dad.

- Wait, do it, do it, do it.
- Do it.

She sells sea sells
by the she shore.

[laughter]

You sound like Andrew.

There's something in his mouth

that makes it
so he can't say S's.

Speaking of Andrew,

I went to
the Family Golf Center.

He trains with this guy, JR,

who ended up being,
like, a nice, cute guy.

Really?

So then JR came over and
hung out with me and Kerstin

and Andrew the other night.
- Oh, nice.

It was really fun.
It made me realize

that there are other people
out there that, like,

have some of the qualities
I'm looking for

which is someone
who works on themself.

- Yeah.
- But I don't know.

I just don't want
to give up on Chris yet.

If Chris is in the picture,
no guy stands a chance.

Chris is someone
who I am very attracted to.

He just checks all my boxes.

He's devilishly handsome,
great smile,

chiseled jaw,
he looks like JFK Jr.

who I did have on my wall
when I was in high school.

I stole the picture
from a "Time" magazine

that was honoring his death.

You want to give it
one last chance?

Yes.
We just need to talk about,

like, what it is we're doing
and go to therapy.

I know of a couples therapist
that can get us in,

you know, soon.

I'm just gonna say,

I found someone.
Do you want to go?

Good.
Well, do it, geez.

I know that it's almost,
like, ridiculous

'cause we've been doing this
for eight years now

off and on and no one
takes us seriously anymore.

- It's been eight years?
- Yeah.

- Damn.
- Yeah, I hope you guys do it

and then you can
figure out whether

this is meant to be or not.
- Yeah.

I mean, this would
get the ball rolling here.

I hope he wants to go

because I think that means
we're meant to be, I'd think.

But we are not meant to be
in the current state it is in.

I will not--I will not
keep doing this.

As scared as I am
to even talk to Chris

about going to therapy,

I just need someone to sit
and listen to us talk

and see if I'm crazy,
if he's crazy,

and if we're both crazy
to even want to try this again.

It's getting embarrassing.

Eight years.

Yeah, some would say
my best years.

[laughs]

Next time...

That is the weirdest thing
I've ever seen in my life.

What?

That's my mom,
she doesn't care.

My parents love this cabin.

I am finding ways
to make it fun for myself

and make others
deeply uncomfortable.

You got left, bitch.

- No, Andrew.
- Andrew.

- [laughs]
- My God.

I'm wondering about you.

What's your life like
right now?

I'm thinking about
getting back together

with my ex-boyfriend.

I need us to be able
to communicate better.

I would like us to be a couple
that talks about our feelings.

And I just want to be single.