All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E03.720p.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

[upbeat music]

Where do you see yourself
in ten years?

Ten years?

I don't know about ten days
from now, honestly.

Where do you see yourself
in ten years?

Well, I'll be 47.

I see myself
in a really good relationship.

Do you think you'll be
with Chris in ten years?

I would like to be with him
in ten years.

Um, I'm gonna be friends
with Taylor Swift.

I think the oceans
are gonna rise,

and we're all going
to be living in a hellscape.

But I'll be happy.
I'm gonna be touring--

a touring musician
in the water world.

- On a submarine.
- On a jet ski.

On a jet ski.
You know, it's gonna be, like,

Kevin Costner's "Waterworld."

Are you gonna be 47
in your metaverse?

- No. God, no.
- [laughs]

♪ I'm gonna miss my flight

♪ I feel so all alone
out on the road ♪

♪ Can you welcome me home?

[upbeat music]

♪

Cool.

Ooh, it's gonna
be so vintage.

Hello.
- Hey.

Oh, my God.
What a cool shop.

Very vintage.

I'm already seeing some hats.
- I'm drawn to this hat.

[gasps]
Oh, yeah.

God, my head is so big.

When I first started
doing comedy,

I did not care about
how I looked or how I dressed

until, like, last week.

And now I can get more ballsy
with the way I dress

but I still like to do resale

and vintage clothing
and stuff that, you know,

dead people have worn
before me.

Is there a particular decade
that you're attracted to?

I go onstage a lot,

and I just like to have
glitzy things that maybe, like,

Joan Rivers would have worn
in Vegas.

- Are we gonna change in here?
- Yeah. Let's do it.

You can call me Taylor Thrift.

This is, like, what people
think female comics are.

- Yeah.
- Like, honey...

- So I'll tell you about--
- Can I get some foreplay?

[laughing]
Yeah.

- [vocalizes]
- That works out

for you, sugar.

Oh, tie me up, dog.
Call me--

buy me a chance.
- No, stop it.

Stop this character.
- Buy me some Swiss cheese.

I want to file
a sexual harassment suit

that'll be ignored for decades.

I feel like
you're Amelia Earhart

before her last flight.
- Get on my plane.

Do you think it's ridiculous
if I were to try to, like,

have a different career
than comedy?

I think I'm gonna try to be,
like, a singer-songwriter.

My family was always
super musical.

My dad is an amazing musician.

And I am not
as naturally inclined.

I really credit my dad
for making me

pretty obsessed with music
from an early age.

He actually
plays professionally.

He plays in, you know,
bars and restaurants,

grocery stores,

um, nursing homes.

That's what he does
in his retirement.

He plays--
he plays retirement homes.

Singing, it's just, like,

first of all,
my favorite art form.

And I think always been
the thing I want to do

that I was scared to do,
so I just chose a path

to artistic expression
that was easier for me than--

- Mm-hmm.
- Than what I really wanted

to do, which was always
be a singer-songwriter.

I think it's probably easier
to go from comedy the other way

than to go into stand-up.

So I'm doing the right way?

Yes, I think so.

You're doing
the reverse Madonna.

But am I allowed to just say,
"Hey, I'm putting out a song,"

without making fun of it
and being like...

- Yes. Yes.
- "I'm so stupid

for putting out a song?"
- Totally.

When the pandemic hit,
I was unable to do stand-up

and get my feelings out
that way.

The first thing I did
was get a karaoke machine.

I would get up every morning,
eat my breakfast,

and go in the living room and
sing three Taylor Swift songs,

and I learned how good
you could get by practicing.

When I first started
doing stand-up,

I sucked.

I didn't call myself a comedian

till I got on
"Last Comic Standing."

Why can't I be Taylor Swift?

Like--
♪ And then he loved me

And then I'd be like--
[panting]

You know what I think
I'm uncomfortable with?

Like, feelings in songs.
- Yeah.

I'm uncomfortable
being like--

♪ I loved him one summer

- Yeah.
- That is so embarrassing

to be, like,
accessing those feelings.

It's much funnier to be like,
"I queefed in his mouth."

- I mean--
- [fart]

- [laughing] Oh, my God.
- That was a queef.

Right?
- Sure was, doll.

- [whispering] Hey.
- Yeah?

- You know what you could do?
- Huh?

- Rub my feet.
- No.

- Just a little bit?
- No, no, no, no.

You have a foot machine.

But it's not good, Andrew.

- Rub my feet.
- Let's go.

- Find the pressure spot.
- I'm warming it up first.

See, I'm already in there.

It's just like sex.

Boys don't do foreplay.

They just go--
[growls]

I can assure you,

I'm feeling nothing sexual
for you.

My vagina's falling off.

My penis is in my body.

Good. Keep it there.

[laughing]

[mid-tempo music]

♪

[leaf blower whirring]

[dog barking]

Hi!

Mom?

Mom. Mom!

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- What's up?

Just blowing some leaves?

Just blowing some leaves.

I thought Dad hates
leaf blowers.

He does.
I gotta use it when he's gone.

He hates you blowing leaves.

- He hates it.
- Or anyone else.

Too bad.

That's the way it goes.
- Um,

I brought some clothes for you
to see if you want any,

and then the rest you can maybe
take to Goodwill for me.

- Okay.
- It's a lot.

Oh, my God. Oh, I already
see some stuff I want.

Taylor gave me that.
You can have it.

Except it's got some issues.

Yeah, it's got
a little stain on it.

These are both for Lauren.
Sorry, nothing for you.

Lauren will be able to fit
in these in a couple months.

Okay.
- Um...

I want to throw Lauren
some kind of--

do you have third kid
baby showers?

They do.
They call 'em sprinkles.

- That makes sense.
- Does it make sense?

So it's, like, a lesser--
it's not, like, your first one.

Oh, yeah. We got to do one.

- That would be so nice.
- Yeah.

She would love that.

My sister, Lauren, she's
two years younger than me.

She is the most
beautiful person I know.

She has chose a totally
different path in life.

She's married
to an amazing guy, Matt.

They have two kids together,
a third on the way.

And I'm 37, and I tell
dick jokes for a living

and am currently trying to get
back with an ex-boyfriend

who I've been off and on with
for eight years.

My younger sister
has three kids.

Total surprise.

- I did not see this coming...
- No.

- For her.
- I assumed she was gonna

have children,
but I didn't know--

You probably
assumed I was too.

Mm. I don't know.

Your career was
kind of forefront.

But before we had careers.
You just assume your daughters

will have kids.
- Yeah, I just assumed both

of you would have children.
- Yeah.

I've honestly never been
to a baby shower.

- Really?
- I don't think so.

I actually went to one, and it
was in the movie "Trainwreck."

- Oh.
- That was like--

- It was in a movie.
- And that's what I feel

like they all are, just like,
we're so excited.

Yeah, they kind of
make it like that.

And just, oh, my gosh.

But you came in
for Arlo's birth.

But not the shower.

It was really fun.
I had it.

I blew up these cloud balloons.

- Oh, yeah.
- And then I had little babies

in onesies floating
around the room.

- Didn't they look like--
- They looked like little,

uh, onesies--
- Like, ghost babies?

Yeah, ghost babies.

I've been hearing
about these ghost babies

since their inception.

My mom seems to have had
some acid flashbacks

that are hitting her up
later in life.

Everybody's like,
what is that?

They were kind of
disturbed by it?

Yeah.
And I was like,

I don't care what you think.

It's truly terrifying
and hilarious.

- I'm gonna bring one of 'em.
- You still have one?

I have all of them.

She likes terrifying
party guests, apparently.

Please bring the ghost babies.

No one's ever wanted to go
to a baby shower, right?

People don't want to go.

We won't have
to have penis straws

like they always do.

Are those bachelor--
- That's bachelor parties.

- Okay. Bachelorette parties.
- Yeah.

Are they ever, like, fun,
and people, like, drink?

Let's not do opening presents
and stuff like that.

Can we do one that's,
like, not--

like, the anti-baby shower?

- Do an anti?
- Anti.

An anti.

Nikki, I think this
is going somewhere.

- Ugh.
- Oh, come on.

Ugh. I regret that.

[upbeat music]

Ah, ha-ha-ha.

[squeals]
- [laughs]

Hi. Oh, my gosh.

- What a treat.
- Good to see you.

Rachel and I met
through Amy Schumer

back in 2010
when I moved to New York.

I saw your name,
like, on a flyer

at my Starbucks,
and I was like--

[gasps]
Rachel's co--

like, I forgot
that you were coming here.

She's one of the four
funniest people I know.

Kerstin, Rachel Feinstein,
David Spade, Bob Saget.

Those people all make me laugh

in a way
that my head snaps back

like a Pez dispenser.

[indistinct speech on computer]

[laughing]

[indistinct]

Gah ha-ha.
It hurts.

Wait, what was the time--

one of my favorite stories
was when you brought

a change of clothes to a date.

- Wait, what?
- Oh, that was a dark time.

Whoa.
I met this guy at a show,

and I came to the date,

and I couldn't decide
what to wear.

So I packed a second dress
in my purse.

And so I pretended--

oof, to spill the drink
on myself.

And then I was like,
oopsie daisy.

And so I ran off
to the bathroom

and changed and came back
in the dress.

I was probably, like,
walking towards him just like--

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

You were dating a lot
before you found B.

Yeah, I was hanging out
at steak houses,

'cause I heard men hang out
at steak houses.

I'm like, I'll be
at the steak house bar later.

They're like, that's not--

I was pulsing with desperation.

Oh, my God.

Was it just
you just knew you wanted

to be married someday
and have kids?

Like, was there a fear
that it wouldn't happen?

Oh, yeah, of course. Definitely.

I was, like,
at the bottom of the ninth,

like, when he was
getting ready to propose.

I was, like,
talking about it on stage

when I was, like,
looking for a ring in my salad.

No one wanted to be around me.

I totally relate to this.

Like, I want
to maybe be married.

Like, I want to be wife.

- Yeah.
- And so if you're not down

for marriage, like, tell me now
'cause this is what I need.

When I look at Chris now, I
kind of see the total package.

Oh. Oh!
- [laughing]

Ah!

Are you okay?
- Yeah.

He's someone
I'm deeply attracted to.

He's consistent,
he's there for me.

He's really husband material.

This is--it's working.

- I mean, they're out.
- [laughs]

Chris and I are doing so
great that maybe I want kids.

Maybe it's just St. Louis,

'cause everyone
in St. Louis has kids.

Rachel, what's your favorite
thing about being a mom?

Um, I didn't realize
how silly it would be.

Like, she's--it's funny.
Every day is funny.

And also I feel like
when a babysitter comes over,

like, I'm doing an impression
of a mother.

Like, you know that speech
that you have

before you leave
the babysitter?

- Yeah.
- And they kind of dismiss me.

I feared the people I worked
with when I was a nanny.

Yes.
I used to be so scared...

- Yes. I know, I was like--
- Of the moms.

- Yeah, 'cause I knew--
- The dads were always

kind of like,
I'll drive you home drunk.

Wait, I thought
that only happens in movies.

[laughter]

- What's going on here?
- Oh, that's just who I am.

- What is that?
- Wh--cut it out.

I'm not kidding you.

There's been gains.

Can I get a change of seats?

Oh, Glase.

[mid-tempo music]

♪

- Oh.
- Whoa.

I've never been in a studio.
- Me neither, dude.

- Seriously?
- Hey.

- Welcome.
- Thank you.

It's cool that you have
my vagina on your shirt.

Um, I'm just kidding.
It just reminded me of--

- [chuckles]
- It's just a joke.

All right,
off to a great start.

Okay, um--
[laughter]

Today I'm recording a song.

I'm so excited to do it,
because it's like I'm Batkid.

And they're giving me the city,

and I get to pretend
like I'm a superhero.

Like, I am living a dream.

[guitar playing]

♪ August, you were the one,
hold the seed in the sand ♪

♪ You let go of what's real

[clears throat]

Does she start right off?

I don't know where I start,
to be honest with you.

Twice through.

♪ Some people sa--
[bleep], sorry.

I'm really, really loud in my--

it's almost like I hate
my voice right now

'cause it's so loud.

[over headphones] ♪ I know--
- Too much?

Oh, you got to sing
with yourself.

This isn't going well.

My biggest fear
is that I'm only getting

to do this
because I've paid for it

or because my friends
are trying to be nice.

[clears throat]

I'm feeling, like,
that kind of thing today

where it's like,
is this just your Make-A-Wish?

♪ And even though I know--
Ugh.

Wha-ha-la-la-la-la.

Don't want to hear myself.

Oh. Oh.

Hi!
- Yo.

Ah.

Someone's excited.

So sweet.

[panting]
[laughter]

Hi.
- How's it going?

Can't stand my own voice.

Can I just sing it
as someone else?

You don't have to keep these.
They don't have to be perfect.

You just have to try

and do your best.

I'm glad Chris stopped
by the studio,

because he's so proud of me
trying this new,

kind of awkward,
late in the game,

delusional endeavor.

Thanks for coming.
- This is awesome.

He supports me in my career
and my hopes and dreams.

When he is in this mode,
I'm, like, very--

I'm pretty horned up for it.

[music playing]

♪ I'll always be the one

♪ Who bares my bones
in bright moonlight ♪

♪ I do not see
how you couldn't trust me ♪

♪ Will you come back again,
hold my face in your hands ♪

♪ Say this isn't the end

[upbeat music]

I definitely am
a better singer

than Bob Dylan...
is now.

[as Bob Dylan]
♪ He sings like this

[normal voice]
Like, that's not good.

- It's awesome.
- Thanks.

I could win a Grammy someday.

I bet if I worked hard enough
I could.

Do I think I will win a Grammy?

Yeah. I do.
I honestly do.

She's just gonna put the pup
on her lap.

It'll give me more comfort.

Do you want me to sit
on your lap too?

[laughter]

So, um,
do you need this rogue tampon

that has hair?

Do you want to push this
into your vagina?

This is very representative
of me.

This is me.
- With this wiry...

Hair.
And, like,

has a little bit
of spray tan on it.

- Give it to me.
- Out of the wrapper.

Buh-bye.

Aw, I wanted it
to land in the trash.

Okay.

[upbeat music]

♪

All right. Let's move 'em.

I don't know
how to do these things.

They have event people
that'll help do that.

We can have
other people do this.

You guys are old.

Oh, my God.

That's the wrong tablecloth.

Hup, two, three.

Are these the chairs
we're using?

Let's all try to decide
where these should hang.

If I ever have a baby shower
or a wedding,

I don't want my mom to...
even be there.

We'll just set those up
over here, along here.

You go around and make sure
the tablecloth is even.

We're gonna go over here
to the buffet.

My mom likes to be frazzled.

Bossing people around and,

"No one's helping me."

EJ, you don't have time
to talk.

We have got to get this going.

"Why don't you do this?"
"God damn it."

Don't put up any more tables.

Chairs, you mean?

Chairs you can put up.

[laughing]

Where should we put this?
- What about right here?

You can't see it.

- Yeah, you can.
- What about in this window?

My mom envisioned this idea

in one of her night terrors,

and she brought it to life.

They found a headless,
legless baby

buried in a mass grave.

Hello!

Hi!
- Oh, my goodness.

Thank you so much for coming.

You guys are here!

[cheers]

Hi, how are you?

Yes. Yes.

[indistinct speech]

Hi, Poppy.

- Happy baby party.
- This is so beautiful.

- You look amazing.
- You look great too.

God, you make me want
to get pregnant.

- Really?
- You look good.

Growing up,
I was obsessed with Lauren

being kidnapped,
because I was aware

that she was a much more
attractive child than I was.

And then when we got
into high school,

I was deeply jealous of her.

My personality is the way
it is because I needed

to find other ways
for people to like me,

because I just felt
so un-Lauren-like.

[upbeat musical flourish]

- Aye! What's up.
- How you doing?

Oh, my God,
there are so many babies here.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at all this.

Look at all those babies.

Those are haunting, right?

Man, this place
looks awesome, Nikki.

I'm making a gigantic plate
of veggies.

I ate so much,
I feel pregnant.

Who--you or Lauren,
more pregnant?

I don't know, it's--
here, feel.

You've known Lauren
through all of her pregnancies.

Yeah.
She had Arlo,

and then Poppy,

and now this one.

Then whatever
this one's gonna be.

- Yeah.
- Whatever's it's gonna be.

Do you think that you might consider

having little babies some time?

Um...

you know,
when I see this little one.

Here's one--
oh, my, she's so sweet.

Come here.
- Get over here.

Just in time. Hi.
- I love her.

When I see you,
I want more of you.

But I'm not guaranteed
to get one like you.

Um--
- She's so sweet.

I mean,
I'd have to find someone

to take me to the sperm bank.

I got to get a ride.

[laughter]

In the past, my career was,
like, my child.

- Oh, no.
- I got him.

No one can get him.

But I always just thought
it was my career or kids.

And now,
being back in St. Louis,

I realize I might be able
to have it all.

Don't let the balloon
hit the ground.

Charlie,
don't let it hit the ground.

- [squeals]
- Don't let it hit the ground.

Chris is honestly
really good with kids.

And turns out, like, I am too.

I think it might be
because we're just

extremely emotionally immature.

Here's the cake.

- Oh!
- [laughing]

- [laughing]
- Oh, my God.

We don't know
if it's a girl or boy yet.

- That is great.
- It's amazing.

- Do you see the baby?
- I don't really understand it.

- Huh?
- That's Matt.

Oh, Matt is like--
as the baby--

Doing a face.

- Oh, my God.
- It's something.

Can we all take in the weird
headless, bodyless baby torsos?

She dug them out.
- Remember these?

Oh, Jules,
it's hard to forget.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

Dad, any luck?

I want to play my song.

Oh, my God, please get
your boots out of my freezer.

Well, I'm trying to make--
when you put sacks of water,

and then the ice--
oh, it hasn't froze yet.

When the ice freezes,
it make the ice go out...

- Expands?
- And then the--

'cause my bunions--ooh, no.

It popped.
[bleep].

I knew this was a problem.

Who puts bags of water
in their shoes?

- People with bunions.
- Nikki, see if your phone's...

- Aw, Nikki.
- Connected to it.

Oh, wait. Here we go.
Bluetooth pairing.

I really want
to play you guys the song

that I just recorded.
- Come on, Luigi.

I'm really nervous
about my dad hearing this song,

because he's very critical.

Hardly.

Ask anyone.
Dad, you are critical.

It's just the way you are.

I'm not drinking red wine

on that white couch.

Andrew was like,
I see where you get it from.

Your dad is very critical,

and that's
what makes you very critical.

Andrew's pretty easy
to be critical of.

No, I'm just kidding.
[laughs]

I rest my case.

Ugh. I'm kind of nervous.

Mm. Ugh.
- All right.

[music playing]

[playing on speaker]
- ♪ This is not a complaint

Oh, whoa.

♪ I am not against fame

♪ But I wanna run away,
and I wanna find a friend ♪

♪ I wanna let someone in

[singing along]
♪ But I am alone

♪ August, you were the one
who put seeds in the sand ♪

♪ You let go of what's real

♪ Even though I know
I can't-- ♪

Sounds like Anya
in the background.

But I did harmonies for this,
so it might be me.

[harmonizing]
♪ Make me so restless

Sounds like you.

[harmonizing]
♪ I'll always be the one

♪ Who bares my bones
in bright moonlight ♪

♪ I do not see how--

Sounds good.

♪ Couldn't trust me

♪ But it feels like the end

That sounds good, honey.

♪ I just know it's the end

- It sounds killer.
- Doesn't it sound good?

- Oh, my God.
- It sounds great.

My dad actually liked it.

When your harshest critic,
with his amazing voice,

likes something,
it gives me hope that, like,

the masses could like it.

The whole song
is really good.

You deliver it really well.

Your voice is good.
- No, it's so good.

Anyone can do anything
if you work hard enough.

It's about putting in
those 10,000 hours.

I probably have, like,
9,983 hours to go.

So...

can we wrap this up?
'Cause I got to go practice.

I'm like Michael Jordan
when he played baseball.

Except--
- [chuckles]

I'm like Michael Jordan
if he started doing pop music.

I don't need to compare myself
to Michael Jordan.

I'm more of a Scottie Pippen.

[both laugh]

Next time...

You think I should change
my material at all

with Chris and my mom and dad
going to my show in Chicago?

They've never been
sitting next to each other

while they have to hear jokes
about me and Chris.

Fluids are being exchanged.
I don't know how to put that.

Off to Chicago.

Bird sanctuary.

[bird squawking]
- Hello.

How these people live
like this.

This is heaven.
[birds squawking]

[crowd cheering]

Blowjobs are intimate as well.

If you go too deep,
it hits your heart.

What do you think
of that one?

For the love of Glase.