All language subtitles for Stagrassle Paranormal (2015)_en

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(Static Sounds)

It's important not to get scared.

You gotta realize things are gonna get

really weird sometimes.

Something just doesn't become nothing.

When it comes down to it,

you gotta help things push
through to the other side.

You gotta have nerves of
steel and a strong stomach.

[Voiceover] You ever get nervous?

- No, it just comes
down to sodium binding.

- [Voiceover] Oh, like a
circle of salt to contain it.

That and flushing tampons.

[Voiceover] Wait, what?

- Always remember, hold your
breath when passing a cemetery

and when digging up a septic tank.

(man groaning)

(eerie music)

- My name is Larry Cochran
and this is the first time

that I've been to
Stagrassle since I was born.

My mom went into labor with me

when we were just passing through

and up until just recently,

this town has been nothing more than

an indecipherable word
on my birth certificate.

We've moved around a lot
and after high school,

I decided to go out west
to go to film school,

didn't exactly get to do the
kinda work that was hoping for.

I did make movies, but
they weren't exactly

creatively fulfilling, I guess.

I was on the verge of
walking away from it all

when this guy contacted me about

documenting his ghost hunting team.

When I heard he was
from Stagrassle as well,

it just sorta seemed like fate.

So, I contacted my buddy,
Duncan, from film school,

(loud clap)

and I got a room for rent here

at Mrs. Malone's boarding house.

So, here we are, new old town,

and we're gonna see what's more likely

an afterlife or a second
life for a dead career.

It's me, Duncan, some ghost hunters,

and an ass load of clown dolls.

Those are Mrs. Malone's.

Shh!

[Larry] You comfortable?

Yeah

- Good, and if you decide
you wanna put pants on

for the rest of this--

Nah, I'm good right now,

but you know, I'm pretty
excited, obviously (chuckles).

Great, so...

Why don't we start with why you do this.

- I've believed in ghost
for a very long time,

since I was a young boy.

I mean, it's not that
different than septic repair

and when it comes down to it,

it's all about communicating with those

who have transitioned to other side,

also if you go by a
cemetery with a young lady,

bottle of Jergens, maybe a Wham! album,

it's just on, it's a party
time, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, well, was it hard finding

like-minded people in Stagrassle?

- No, it was hard, I mean, this
is a very conservative area

and so, you know, I'm a
very European-minded person

when it comes down to it.

- No, the paranormal, I meant,
actually, the paranormal.

- Oh, actually, I just
put out a Craiglist ad

and after that, Penny contacted me back,

and then everybody else
just kinda trickled in.

- Okay, good, and you guys
feel like you've seen enough

stuff now that you wanna
start documenting it?

I have to document this,

and I'm gonna tell you
something, hand to God,

I had a full on Dan Aykroyd experience

with a ghost one time and I'll tell you,

everybody thinks that
I'm lying about that,

but the thing is, if I
can capture that, it be,

you know, with your background--

In film.

Yeah, I mean, you know,

'cause of my favorite films of yours was--

- My film background, there's
a lot of 'em, but yeah.

- Yeah, you know, but when
you came back into town,

Stagrassle kinda drew you in naturally,

and I just feel that, you know,

it's like one of my favorite
Kate Beckinsale movies.

Pearl Harbor, Underworld?

- No, the good one,
Serendipity, John Cusack.

- Oh, okay, okay, well, I
think we're good Colonel,

I'll just need some contact info from you

and I can start contacting
the rest of the--

- Nah, it's okay, you know,
I already sent Duncan over

to Penny's house, so he could
start the first interview--

(phone rings)

Speak of the devil.

Hey, Mendelsohn.

(phone buzzing)

Yeah

Hello, yeah, this is he.

He's what?

You don't have to yell at me,

I mean, you gave me a key, I
should be able to just go over.

- No, yeah, I understand,
yeah, I'm on my way now.

Right, all right, thank you.

- We got a little bit
of a mix up, I think.

Yeah.

- [Penny] For the record,
I thought he was a burglar.

[Larry] No, I get that.

- Though, the camera did
throw me off a little.

- [Larry] Your upper body
strength is impressive.

It's adrenaline.

Listen, if there's any footage

where I was wearing the towel
can you make sure that--

- [Larry] Yeah, it'll
be deleted immediately,

we would never use that.

Thanks.

And if you ever meet my boyfriend, Brent,

just don't mention it to him,

he's not really a fan of
immodesty around the house.

[Larry] Does he live here?

No, not 'til we're married.

[Larry] Anytime soon?

No.

You guys been in love a long time?

Love is a big word.

We did go in 50/50 on some
camping gear, though, so.

Did you wanna ask me about ghost?

[Larry] Right, so when did you...

I'm sorry, I just wanna
make it really clear

that neither Duncan nor myself

were aware that you weren't expecting us.

I believe you, that's probably on me

for giving him a key or my address.

[Larry] Forgive me for bringing it up,

but the two of you don't seem like

you'd naturally gravitate
toward each other.

Oh, we don't, but natural's not really

what paranormal investigation is about.

[Larry] So, you are on the team

as both treasurer and vice president.

- Yeah, I'm the main financial
contributor to the group

aside from this fake
identity of the Colonel's

that's drawing disability.

Bernice doesn't want
anymore responsibility

and the Colonel says it's a bad idea

to waste a good head for
figures or vice versa.

[Larry] Gross.

Yeah.

You know, if you wanted to
interview everybody else,

you could just come to
the meeting later on

unless you think he needs to rest.

- [Larry] I think it'd be a bad
idea to let him fall asleep.

(eerie music)

Just try to ignore there's a camera here

and talk like you normally would.

Okay.

Many thanks, kind sir.

[Larry] So, let's start with

what brought you to the group.

- Well, I've had an interest
in the unknown for a long time.

I think, most of the time,
ghosts are just looking

for some sort of connection, I guess.

- [Larry] I hear that
you're big on research.

That I am.

[Larry] So, where do you typically

find the best information?

- Oh, there are lots of books,
both locally and regionally,

and you can't forget movies.

I really like ghosts
and like Twilight and--

- [Larry] That's not really about--

Oh, I don't like to limit myself.

(chuckling) Scared of them?

No, I don't scare too easily.

[Larry] So, you've seen a ghost?

No, but I've seen things.

[Larry] Orbs?

No, things.

- [Larry] Are you ex-military

or are we talking about something sexual?

Oh, no, I...

(inhales deeply)

Okay, you can probably
tell that I'm Italian.

Well, the Italian community
is pretty well known

for not being something
you'd want to cross.

[Larry] The mob?

Oh, I couldn't say that.

- [Larry] So, what--

I couldn't say that, you know?

Anyway, there are scarier
things in the world than ghosts

and what this team needs is somebody

to be able to keep their heads
if the (beep) hits the fan.

(imitates explosion)

- I don't know if he
has any mob connections,

but his mom is really tough.

She usually kills the
spiders for us at meetings.

- So, unless Enzo agrees
to start doing laundry,

his mom says we can't meet
at their house anymore.

My place weren't available

because my house recently burned down

for insurance purposes.

I'd rather not keep coming here

because when I show up at a library,

people assume that I work here

and try and get me to find books for them.

Well, I say we take it to Terry's

'cause there's plenty of room

and if Bernice decides to dance for 'em,

well, maybe we'll get our dinners comped.

- Let's put a pin in that and
we'll keep our options open.

(electric static)

[Larry] What was that?

Eh, it just happens sometimes.

- Ever since Carter, the
maintenance man, died.

Must be really hard to keep
the wiring running smoothly.

Speaking of running smoothly,

we finally got our new infrared camera.

Nice.

Must've been a good month
at the sausage factory.

No, that weren't innuendo, you see,

Penny's folks were in the pork business,

and that's how they
come by all their money.

- Yeah, my family's Jewish,
just not practicing.

It's not as weird as you'd think.

And I think I know a good
place to break it in.

- I can rent a storage
facility over the weekend,

we can have a dirty mattress in there,

I'll get a couple of girls by the weekend,

and maybe if one of y'all join
in, we'll get things started.

I'll help any way I can.

Ooh, no, no, you won't.

I will refer you to how we
broke the original camera

and pass on that.

Besides, I was think we
might go somewhere like

The Mason Schoen Lot.

(indistinct excited remarks)

- Excuse me, this is a
library, don't you, oh.

I'm sorry I didn't realize
someone was working in here.

I'm not a librarian.

It's on this beautiful old hill

overlooking the lights of
the Stagrassle paper mill.

It's so romantic on the
nights when the wind is low.

- It was the grizzliest murder
this town had ever seen.

What they did to that man was ungodly.

They're still finding
bits and pieces today.

- I always sort of
related to Mason Schoen,

you know, I think he
was the last Jewish guy

to come through this town
before my family moved here.

Course, they murdered the hell out of him.

They said he was a magician or something

and weird (beep) always goes down

around the time of year that he died,

so yeah I'm pretty stoked.

Plus it's really close to local wrestling,

so double win for Lorenzo, huh?

If he tries to communicate with us,

then the most important thing to realize

is that we have a
professional filmmaker with us

and his credentials speak for themselves.

[Larry] Do ghosts usually want

their stories told on a larger scale?

Well, I just figured, you know,

if you had a couple of
live girls that you knew--

[Larry] Anyway, whatever gets you guys

the best results is perfect for me.

So, if we're all free Friday after 6:30,

let's agree that we can--

(loud thump)

(indistinct yelling)

[Protesters] God not ghost!

God not ghost!

- Every once in a while
these church groups

like to come out here and
start trying to protest us.

- This is so done, I could
make one phone call--

And what, bring your momma out here?

And look at that hole in your jeans,

that is not the kinda holy

you need to be involved with, buddy.

Hey, Brent.

Hey, hey, hun.

Later at your place, right?

Yeah, yeah, later.

Ooh.

Whoo, I think God's about to send a flood.

(thunder cracking)

- [Voiceover] Only good ghost
is the Holy Ghost, amen!

(eerie music)

[Larry] So, how did you guys meet?

Mission work.

[Larry] Oh, your churches work together?

No, he means he's trying to save me.

Yeah, the whole occult thing

is a little bit of an obstacle.

He's talking about my Judaism.

- But I care about my
pork princess way too much

to let that stand in my way.

- And he doesn't know why
I don't like that nickname.

I'm sorry, ham hock queen.

That's not any better.

So, here we are, going strong.

Speaking of which, what
are you doing this weekend?

Well, Friday night,

we're testing out our new infrared camera.

Really, where?

I'm not gonna tell you

because I don't want you to protest us.

Then, I guess I'll see you Saturday.

Great.

Well, I don't think that Brent and her

are ever gonna get married.

I mean, I've always kind of viewed him

as a bit of a pickle kisser,
but I could be wrong.

[Larry] No, you, actually,

I was asking if you had ever been married.

Oh, yeah, I've been married,

I've been married eight times.

By state law, I can't get
married anymore, apparently,

and that's okay, but I
got some wonderful grands.

- [Larry] At this point, I
feel like I need to check,

are you talking about
grandkids or the biscuits?

Oh, I'm talking about grandkids,

they're beautiful, sweet,
adorable grandkids,

and nothing like their father,
and that's a good thing.

You know, once that
restraining order lapses,

I'm hoping that I can continue

my relationship with them, too.

- [Larry] But right now,
you're on the market.

Do you ever feel like ghost hunting

interferes with your relationships?

Oh, hell no.

(colonel chuckling)

When it comes down to it, you know, I,

I seek out some of these
church ladies sometimes

and have them save me on a regular basis.

It doesn't hurt having
some recording equipment

because they kinda like that, too.

[Larry] Do you think that hunting

helps Bernice and Enzo with
their romantic prospects?

- It would take supernatural
forces in the universe

to make that happen.

(buzzing)

(shrieking) get it off, get it off.

Mason Schoen was this traveling salesman

who came through Stagrassle way back

when it was just Stag,

and he started having an affair

with this town big wig
named Aaron Pitcher's wife.

Well, you can't really blame him.

Ooh, no kidding, they used to have

the old Pitcher family portrait

hung up at the high school library,

but it ended up providing
too much of a distraction

for most of the guys
and some of the girls.

And if I'm gonna be completely honest,

I'd say I'd must rather be searching

for her spirit than his.

(men laughing)

- She was powerless to his
charms and his advances,

she was even gonna run away
and skip town with him,

but on the day she was
planning to lose herself

to his powerful embrace
and his punishing lips--

- Then, her husband
got a Dear John letter.

- And they murdered him just
passed the old train depot.

Aaron Pitcher left the note
stuck in his face with a knife.

Even people that don't
believe in what we do

agree that weird things happen here.

We've gotten some blips on the EMF before,

but we're hoping that tonight

is gonna be the perfect combination

of quiet, dark, and...

(indistinct chatter)

What in the hell?

Brent Less, are you kidding me?

Hey, pork chop.

I did not expect to see you here

at the first annual nighttime
picnic and scavenger hunt.

I found a tooth.

What...

What are you talking about?

- Oh, the mayor set this thing
up like spur of the moment.

I think to like promote community
togetherness or something.

That bitch.

That bitch.

(water splattering)

- You do understand how
it seems a little strange

that you just happen to organize something

the night that we were
planning to investigate.

Well, I guess my inspiring choice

of a nighttime community
picnic could be described

as strange to the un-creative

or just anyone uninterested
in town's welfare.

Taylor, would you hand me my stapler?

But it does seem that the commu...

community could benefit
from more fun events,

let's see, I'm thinking,

ooh, how about hide-and-seek
in the graveyard next?

- Oh, you bi--

Um, how did you find out about it?

It's a small town.

People talk when a big
shot director shows up.

That boy should be considered

a state treasure around here,

and Duncan, he works a camera, too.

Them being here is just a
benefit to this whole town.

And I don't want a movie to get out

to paints our town as a bunch
of bloodthirsty villagers.

However, if you'd like
to discuss this further,

we could perhaps talk about it

at one of Stagrassle's
many beautiful restaurants

or perhaps, the botanical
gardens that were featured

in several regional magazines last year.

Freshy's has the best milkshakes.

- Ta-da-duh, seen not heard, Taylor.

Yes, mayor.

Don't you think a boy like
this should be seen, Colonel?

You know, I don't care

who's pinning what to your board,

everybody in this town knows

that you shake your
milkshake at everybody.

Do we gotta get a permit or not?

I don't know why you think, Mr. Cochran,

would be so interested in a story

about a promiscuous man
that ruins relationships

and causes general unrest

in an otherwise orderly and lovely town.

No, I'm not sure if they ever dated,

their subtext is so subtle.

- And personally, I don't
think that type of behavior

should be rewarded.

I would even go as far to say

that it should be punished.

(colonel struggling to breathe)

Terry's, let's go to Terry's.

Thank you for your time, Madam Mayor.

- Taylor, I'm hungry, could
you get me something sweet?

Like a milkshake from Freshy's?

No!

Larry, you are gonna love this place.

I practically live here.

They have the best food, the best service,

and by God, after 7 o'clock,

some of the best dancers, right?

- How are my favorite bunch
of ghost hunters doing?

How you doing?

[Penny] All right.

Y'all doing all right then.

Bernice, whenever you get
ready to start in showbiz,

we'd love to have you here.

Started taking ballet lessons.

[Terry] Good.

Terry, please.

- Penny, now, you know
you're always welcomed

to come up on A-cup
Wednesday's and give it a shot,

but I just don't think that we'd have

a regular spot for you.

Of course, we always thank
you for stopping in at Terry's

with a lunch buffet from
11 'til 2 every weekday,

catering available and
specials for parties.

Hey, check out our two
for one beer specials.

I'll be right back to take your order.

- Oh, no, he doesn't
understand how air quotes work.

Good guy, though.

- Remember the commercials
he used to shoot?

- Down at Terry's, we take
hospitality very seriously.

You'll enjoy local favorites
like Helen's chocolate cake

or Carson's world famous chicken.

Hope to see y'all again soon.

I'm just saying, meatballs like these,

wouldn't fly in little Italy.

- And I'm just saying,
Stagrassle doesn't really have

a little Italy unless you
mean your mom's kitchen.

- There ain't nothing
little about your momma.

Those things are huge.

You can't keep saying stuff like that.

If you do, I'm gonna...

tell her.

- Couldn't we just go
back to the lot tonight?

No, mayor won't have it,

she's got a picnic planned every week,

every day, every hour, I don't know,

she's just trying to keep
her options open right now.

- We could test the camera
out pretty much anywhere.

Larry still needs to see us in action.

We don't need just anywhere.

A guy just called...

A guy just called me because he thinks

that someone died on his land,
that's not city property,

so the mayor can't touch us.

Never again.

Come on, Bernice, fist me.

- I figure we can head
out there, check it out,

see how we like the new camera,

and hopefully she'll figure out

that we're not gonna do anything
to hurt the city's image.

- All right then, you
ready to place your order?

(eerie music)

(electric beeping)

(eerie ominous music)

Hi, I'm Penny Mendelsohn.

I think we spoke on the phone.

Yeah.

- So, you have reason to believe
that someone passed here?

Yes, ma'am.

- 'Kay, can you describe
some of the activities

that you've experienced?

No activity as such.

Was it orbs?

Did you get the sense
it was a lonely spirit?

You know, voices, voices ain't unusual.

No, weren't no talking.

- Okay, if you just wanna
show us where to set up,

we'll go ahead and get started,

check on the levels, maybe
there's a, oh my god!

(beeping)

(loud shrieking)

- Sir, why would you
call a paranormal team

before you call the police?

- Well, sir, whatever the
hell that is, it ain't normal,

and so far, I just found the one.

I know normally they come in pairs.

Does that happen often?

- No, no, most people know
that you call the police

not ghost hunters if you find a body part.

Right.

Do you usually make a noise like that?

That was also a first.

Good.

That's good.

Porn.

I made porn.

What?

I know the Colonel likes to paint me

as some kind of Oscar-worthy
director, but I'm not.

I mean, I figured you made porn.

If the Colonel says you're
one of his favorite directors,

chances are that's what you do.

I'm not gonna judge you

my family produces meat
that we don't even eat.

Can I ask you a question?

It's kinda your job now.

What's the appeal for you?

For what?

- Stagrassle, ghost
hunting, any of this stuff.

I guess...

If there's ghosts,

then that means there's
other things out there, too,

and I like the idea of there being

something better out there

and being the person that
helps someone find it.

Or maybe I just feel really bad

for anybody that spends
both lives in Stagrassle.

Either way, I should probably make sure

that you didn't get
any puke on our camera.

Right.

So.

Did you get that there money shot?

It wasn't my best work.

Well, you know,

I only watch your movies
10 minutes at a time,

but I thought your best work
was Much Ado About (beep).

- Right, you're a big
fan of Elektra Lite then?

Oh, yeah, I thought her performance

was a little bit forced,

but I thought your lighting was wonderful.

You know, it kinda had
a very 1950s noir vibe

with a very Shakespearean subtext.

I think we're in good hands with you.

Sir, I'm gonna need you to come with me,

I'm gonna have to ask
you some more questions.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

(train horn)

(high pitched blips)

So, the job is not like I expected so far.

I guess that's life sometimes.

If I'm being honest,

I don't know that I
really believe in ghosts

and I haven't seen anything
to suggest otherwise so far,

but we don't know.

But if looking for ghosts is
how somebody looks for answers,

a connection, a chance
to face down their fears,

or just something better,

there are worth things in
the world to search for.

(water running)

So, who knows what
we'll find in Stagrassl?

(soft melody)

(Static Sounds)

(upbeat eerie melody)

Just a little bit further and,

right here is where I had

my first ever experience with a ghost.

See back in the 60's this
pair of bank robbers killed

two cops who were searching
the building for them.

When I was about 16 I
got into this building

and I hadn't been here very long

before I started seeing
flashing blue lights.

Obviously I got very freaked out and hid

and then I just saw flashlight
beams and voices calling out.

That's the moment that I
realized that sometimes

good people get stuck in a bad place,

and it's important to try and communicate

with them and tell their stories.

- [Larry] So it was
empty when you came here?

Yeah.

[Larry] And you broke in?

Had to get in somehow.

- [Larry] So is there
any chance it was just

living police trying to figure
out who was in the building?

(bleeped out)

(ominous music)

- So I've been at Stargrassle
now for about two weeks.

I was really nervous about coming clean

to the Paranormal Mystery
Squad, but I think it went

pretty well when I finally bit the bullet.

Uh so yeah that, that, that's how

I got into the adult film industry.

Would I have seen any of your movies?

- Oh I can let you borrow
a few, I have a collection.

Would I have seen any of them?

Oh I hope not.

What are they about?

Well you like romance novels, right?

Do I.

Can I borrow some too.

- Bernice, I'd be happy
to give ya a sack load.

Hashtag truth.

So after some lengthy explanation,

everybody seemed more or less
okay with my body of work,

despite the working with bodies part.

(laughing)

(sighing heavily)

Let's see, what else has been going on?

Oh, we got some new interns, unpaid.

They're pretty cool.

They just sort of stand around
until I tell 'em what to do.

So it's going pretty good.

And Duncan has way more of a
stomach for this kind of stuff

than the documentaries he used to work on.

[Duncan] Oh.

Oh no get up.

Oh, let it go.

- So I'm guessin' we'll
stick around for awhile.

They were good with it.

Maybe Stargrassle's cooler
than I thought it was.

(rapidly clapping)

Some of Stargrassle.

- Yeah I'm meeting up with
the rest of the group later,

but they wanted to eat at Terry's

and Brent won't eat there because.

I just don't agree with that lifestyle.

[Larry] So Terry is gay?

No.

Yes, he is.

But that's not why Brent won't eat there.

The only strip I need is

my little bacon strip right here.

I can't judge Terry
for his actions though.

Heck, there are three men I
would choose over Penny any day.

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.

Yep that's my competition.

God.

- [Man] Uh ma'am you're gonna
have to put that chair back.

Right, sorry.

Anyway I have got to get going

but I was supposed to give you this.

Monica Montgomery asked if I
would get in touch with you.

Okay.

Ow.

Are you all done here?

The young man said you were
gonna take care of the check.

Of course.

Of course.

(ominous music)

- And I'm just saying
that lighting up her life

should be rent enough for my Ma.

- Yeah but, it would be
really, really helpful

if we could start having
meetings there again.

If the knitting club hadn't
canceled at the last minute

we would've ended up stuck
in the boiler room again.

So if we're all free.

So I don't suppose that you

heard about my date this past Saturday.

- No, so for every boiler
room, a silver lining.

Guys we have got to take
a look at the budget.

Between what we're paying Leary and Duncan

and the rent at Mrs.
Malone's we really don't have

any financial wiggle room for.

(loud buzzing)

For whatever the (bleeped out) that is.

- Well you might wanna look
over that budget again,

it actually picks up
some really good images.

You know I used it on my
date this past weekend

and I could show you the
footage if y'all wanna see it.

Well I mainly got it
for overheard views, so.

Won't it kill our audio?

- No worse than the
Colonel's breathing, eh?

- I have a rare condition
called wake apnea.

I also have a five inch long uvula

which is way less inches than.

- Well we're gonna want all
of our gear in working order

because check this out.

Miss Mendelsohn, and associates,

this Sunday Brent asked me to
pray for your little group.

Of course that reminded
me that you've always

wanted to come and take
a look at my house,

and I thought there's no
time like the present.

My doors are open to
you this Thursday night.

Sincerely, Monica Montgomery.

(gasping)

Oh hey.

This is big.

It's this huge old house
built in the late 1800's.

The Montgomery family
fixed it up a few years ago

and it is absolutely gorgeous.

- Honestly, there is no
evidence of the huge fire,

or the four people that died in it.

I don't care what my Ma says,

I can have meetings at
my house if I want to.

It just happens that I
don't want to at the moment.

[Larry] I actually meant tell me

a little about the Montgomery's house.

Oh.

Occasional screaming,
smoke coming from windows

where there isn't a fire, stuff like that.

- I don't know about ghosts,
but there is nothing unusual

or unnatural about my
interest in Monica Montgomery.

(heavy breathing)

She won Miss Stargrassle so many times

she eventually just dropped
out because she felt like

if she got one more tiara,
it would just be gaudy.

She moved out to Hollywood for awhile

and actually got cast in a
recurring role on a soap opera.

But she moved back because she said

no one in LA makes a decent biscuit.

And because she got married.

- In the most baffling
relationship I have ever seen.

- [Larry] You find their
relationship baffling?

Yeah, why?

- Murray Montgomery seems
like a nice enough guy,

but he seems like the type who would

tuck his shirt into his underwear.

A bit of a window licker.

I just think it's a bad match.

- You'd think it was just
a gold digging tale as old

as time, but the weird part
is she's completely loaded.

They bought the old house with her money.

If she was gonna marry for
love, I don't see any reason

why I couldn't be the
one digging her gold.

They fixed up the house.

But like I said, there's some

pretty strange stuff happening there.

We've been trying to get in
and check it out for years,

but she's pretty much shut us down.

Until now, I guess.

- Guys I don't wanna get all
sappy but I'm really glad that

things are finally happening
for us and I'm proud of you.

I'm glad I get to share
it with people like you.

And since we have a few minutes
left and nothing else really

to cover, why not, Enzo what
is going on with your face?

I did a little yard work today.

Did I get some sun?

It's probably my Italian complexion, eh?

You're so lucky.

(cheerful music)

- Everyone told Monica and
Murray that they should just

tear down the old house and
build a new one from scratch.

But Monica told them.

Of all people,

I understand what a blessing
good bone structure is.

I'm so happy you all
are finally able to come

and get a closer look at my home.

I hope you'll find something.

Oh, would you look at that,

I totally forgot you
were all filming today.

- It's okay, I mean this
is Larry and Duncan.

(giggling)

- If I'd known that I would've
done something with my hair.

But just 'cause I'm all a
shambles doesn't mean you all

should reschedule, so please
make yourselves at home.

(ominous music)

- Uh oh, am I ready for
my close up Mr. DeMille?

(laughing)

- Believe it or not, he's
never actually worked

in the business, he's just hilarious.

And a bit of a bad boy.

This is my husband, Murray.

- Well don't mind me,
I'll just be watching

reruns of 24 here in a bit.

- We might have to do some
audio recordings later.

Oh don't worry,

I'll turn it down in
case something blows up.

Well as you can see, I went with a very

muted color palette in the study.

It allows for the furniture
to be more expressive

but still gives you the
freedom to move it around.

This is the exact spot that

Bertram Drewer burned to death, right?

I can see why,

things are starting to
heat up a bit in here.

Maybe for some, getting even a bit moist.

- Well, my very handsome
husband, Murray here,

can turn the air down, so.

Oh look who it is, my beautiful,
talented daughter, Matilda.

Do we have anymore Gushers?

Now honey, what did I hear you

singing in your room earlier?

I wasn't singing in my room.

Oh now honey don't be shy,

sing a few bars for the
cam, I mean our guests.

(sighing)

She's just being bashful.

I guess we can continue the tour.

Right through there's the
kitchen, and that is where the

fire started, so we get whiffs
of smoke every now and again.

And it's also where my
family was photographed

for the cover Stargrassle
Magazine last year.

Miss Montgomery, we're actually somewhat

familiar with the history of the house.

If you want, just to save time,

we can go ahead and start setting up.

Well yes, of course.

And um, young man, would
you like me to show you

to the restroom so you can wash your face?

I just got some sun today is all.

- Um, okay, well it's just
upstairs, and there's another one

down the hall in case anyone needs it.

Well I guess I've shown
you where the kitchen is,

and I don't suppose anyone

needs to see my pottery studio, so.

Did you say pottery studio?

Yes, it's a little hobby of mine.

Like with a wheel and everything?

Oh yes, I go in there from time to time.

I got the pottery studio.

But it's not part of the original house.

Residuals.

- [Larry] Uh Miss
Montgomery, I'd love to talk

with you more about your
experiences here in the house.

- Yes of course, and I'd
love to talk to you more too.

(squealing feedback)

- In 1907 a fire started
when Herman True Drewer

left some cornbread in the oven too long.

Now it wasn't that bad,
but they threw liquor on it

to try and put it out,
so it got out of hand.

- Then Betram Drewer thought
if he started another fire,

that it would burn up
anything that the kitchen fire

could use for fuel, so it got worse.

- The Drewers died in
the downstairs study,

but most of the household staff

actually made it up to this landing.

That's where they tried to break out

a window and call for help.

- Lots of people say
that sometimes you can

hear them screaming for
help on some nights.

- Obviously we have a little
experience in the area,

so we know what to expect.

(gasping)

Nice tan, can I borrow
it for the next meeting.

Now we only have one live mic,

so you're gonna have to
speak in right here, sweetie.

[Larry] I actually have

a good microphone on this camera.

I need backup, Cochran.

[Larry] So why don't you tell me

how it's been since
you fixed up the place?

Well, anytime you choose to take on

an old house you know problems will arise.

Leaky pipes, creaking stairs.

Maybe mysteriously having your paint

scratched off the front door.

A little of this and that.

[Larry] Have you personally

ever seen anything out of the ordinary?

- Well, I don't know if I
should be telling you all this,

but the other night I was in the kitchen

and I saw something unbelievable.

My lovely daughter, Matilda,
came in and did the most

amazing dance she made up
right there on the spot.

Do that dance for them
baby, you remember the one.

Remember to smile baby, smile.

If you don't find a focal point,

you're not gonna get those turns.

Okay watch Mama, Baby, watch Mama.

I guess I remember, you know, watching her

the other night and that's
how I remember this.

You gotta sell it Baby, sell it.

And smile.

Mom!

Um something like that.

(clapping and cheering)

- Could've used a bend and snap
at the end, but it was good.

(machinery beeping)

- Okay, the temperature just
dropped noticeably up here.

- And I'm picking up something
on the audio, it's faint,

but it definitely sounds
like somebody in distress.

(yelling)

She always embarrasses me!

Oh, okay, that explains it.

- The old ball and chain said
somebody was getting too hot,

so I adjusted the air.

You guys getting any?

That was mine.

Bend, snap.

Lick the body, extend the
sensuality, and sniff the finger.

So that's how I earned my
airfare back from Australia.

That's another thing
that we have in common,

the power of dance.

[Larry] Thanks Colonel,

that was as surprising as it was lengthy.

I think I'm gonna go see if

Murray needs me for
anything, anything at all.

Okay Larry you can, you can go now.

[Larry] What?

- I got it from here, I mean,
obviously Monica Montgomery

did not invite us here
to search for ghosts.

- [Larry] Yeah that's
pretty obvious to me too.

- She's not gonna make her
move if you're still here,

so you need to go.

[Larry] What are you talking about?

- Just go find Penny
and Enzo, or something.

[Larry] I don't think that, that's.

- I can only imagine taking
this three to four hours.

- I guess I'll check with
the rest of the team.

We've been at it for awhile now.

So far we have seen a traumatized kid,

Mr. Murray's stand up routine,

and at this point in time,

the only screaming I'm
anticipating is my own.

(screaming)

Maybe that was.

(gasping)

(screaming)

- Oh, oh my goodness, I'm
sorry I was um, I was startled.

Did, did you change your clothes?

Well I made an adjustment, so uh.

Let's be honest, you didn't invite us here

to investigate a haunting, now did you?

Well no.

- So uh, let's talk about
what this is really all about.

Uh, where's the movie guy?

Larry?

Yeah, I want him in here.

I thought you wanted me in there?

What?

No!

Oh my god no, absolutely not.

I meant in the room.

And just to clarify, no,
no, god no, I am married,

happily, and even if I
wasn't, absolutely not.

I mean not even in an
apocalyptic scenario.

Okay, I got it.

I mean the only way that could

possibly happen would be if.

(screaming)

Oh my goodness, what could that have been?

Wait, what has to happen?

- Any successful filmmakers
want to be in this room right

now because I think we're about
to have a ghostly encounter.

(ominous music)

Your daughter makes an excellent ghost,

Miss Montgomery, but unfortunately

she's not really what
we're looking for, so um.

Guys I think we can probably
just go ahead and pack up.

Could somebody grab Bernice?

Yeah I think she's in the uh.

(gasping)

[Bernice] Can you knock?

- Um, that is uh, we can
grab the stuff upstairs

and then come back down for Bernice.

I can help.

No, I think she's got it.

- Let's get this downstairs,
and then I'll grab our camera.

- [Penny] Yeah that was
a waste of a memory card.

- [Enzo] I'll probably
just erase all this,

since it's a bust.

(machinery beeping)

Don't worry sweetheart, Murray and I do

our own little Ghost role
play every now and again.

But maybe next time,
try it with a partner.

(doorbell ringing)

- Uh, thanks again for
letting us use your house

Miss Montgomery, we, we
really appreciate it.

You're quite welcome.

And Larry, if you wanna come back

and film anytime, we'll be here.

Here's my information.

And whoop, look at that,

I wrote on the back Matilda's resume.

- Hey guys, check out the
hostages I just saved.

Hey everybody, Shelby told me she wanted

to visit her best friend Matilda tonight.

I did see some unusual things tonight.

I saw a man sweat off his tan.

I saw The Colonel's burlesque routine.

And I saw a woman move from the West Coast

because Stargrassle felt more like home.

Now I'm not saying that
Monica Montgomery and I

are alike by any means, but uh,

it's nice to know you can
come back and lay down roots.

And it was really cool to
be seen as a filmmaker.

If I learned anything tonight

it's that there's nothing
wrong with a little pageantry.

A little pageantry.

Also you can sell a really
bad routine with a smile.

I should get them to smile more.

You think we could actually
get Penny to smile?

(Static Sounds)

(upbeat eerie music)

(quiet slow music)

- [Cameraman] So tell me a
little bit about how you went

from running regular tech to
doing the ghost hunting gear.

I've always known that I had gifts.

I've always been good with machines,

computers, that sort of thing,

but who wants to program when you can

listen for spectral voices on audio

from the old TB hospital?

[Cameraman] So what are some of the more

unsettling things you've heard?

Unsettling, uh, nothing really.

Annoying sometimes.

[Cameraman] Go on.

- Sometimes I'll be listening
to it late at night after work

and right in the middle of
hour two of white noise,

and the Colonel's breathing,
suddenly it starts,

the banging and the voice,
just relentless, bang, bang!

(knocking at the door)

- [Mom] Lorenzo, if you're
going to have friends over,

your room needs to be cleaned.

Ma!

- [Mom] I'm gonna be in
that room in five minutes

and if there's underpants
all over your floor--

- Ma, we're right in the middle
of something for the show.

Can you please just give me
five more minutes to do this?

[Mom] We're down to four and a half,

(voice drowned by Lorenzo's whining)

gonna be doing the laundry too.

(slow eerie music)

- So I think we're settling
in the Stagrassle pretty well

People have been really
welcoming and eager to help out,

like really eager to help out.

By the way, there is such a
thing as too many casseroles.

It's not what I expected here,

but it's been pretty nice.

And overall, I guess
there's really nothing

that I'm lacking here.

Especially clowns, Mrs. Malone.

(gentle music box music)

(sighs) Where does she get these things?

(slow eerie music)

- Okay well, I appreciate
everybody meeting up.

Unfortunately, there's
not much to discuss.

Going to private property has
kept the mayor off our backs,

but nobody's reached out lately,

so I guess the only real
update is Bernice's hair

which is as good a reason as any to meet.

I've been red for a long time.

It reminded me of the heroine

in the "Stable Hand's Mistress",

but my nana said red's a color for hussies

and after reading Archie
comics for a while,

I think she's right.

I don't want to lead men into temptation.

So I decided to go for something
a little less enticing,

like Penny did.

(phone buzzing)

Oh.

If this is the leader of the
Paranormal Mystery Squad,

I have a matter I wish
to discuss with you.

Please tell Larry Cochran
that we'd be thrilled

to have him at this month's meeting

of the Historical Society
to meet some young ladies

with a passion for
discussing town history.

Larry, don't even worry about that

because they don't even
like to do anything

until after the meeting's over,
if you know what I'm saying.

So I'm just gonna go ahead and skip that.

Well the invitation was for Larry.

My invitation was implied.

- Aren't you banned from
the Historical Society

after the incident at
the Horse Apple Festival?

No, my dance card is full, see?

I got these dating apps right here.

Aren't you banned from Tinder?

No.

I'm banned from Bumble.

And Match.

And eharmony and Black People Meet.

I may have reported one of his profiles.

[Cameraman] Which one?

I mean, does it matter?

- I'll be honest, I thought,
when I invited Larry here

that it would open some doors for us,

but the only one who's
having doors open for 'em,

amongst other things, is Larry.

Also he's pretty stingy
when it comes to tips

to help us edit adult content.

Well me and my little club that I have,

it's on the down low.

- Yes, the Colonel has sent
me several videos to edit,

but I have declined because

I don't wanna do that kind of work anymore

and I've also met a lot of
nice ladies in Stagrassle

and I just don't wanna know

what happened on their kitchen counters

before they made me a casserole.

Well unless the Historical Society

has something that they
think we need to look into,

I guess that's it and
there's really no need

to meet up next week in the absence

of something to check out.

- Actually, I have something
you might all be interested in.

He does this every now and then.

The first few times you get excited,

but it's almost always just a tract.

Don't tease me, Less.

I mean, I get enough of
that from Christian Mingle.

No, something unbelievable happened

and I need you guys to
come check a place out.

Where is it?

My church.

Oh for (profanity bleeped) sake.

Brent, we talked it over as a group

and the Holy Ghost doesn't count.

(whispers) I think it does.

No, I mean there was an incident.

What kind of incident?

- We were having a lock-in last weekend to

(clears throat) spread the
good word to at-risk teens.

Later that night A.J. Sims saw the bride.

I thought the bride was just a story.

- So did I, but he swears
he knows what he saw

and some things did seem to be amiss.

So I thought you guys
could come check it out.

Where did he see her?

The corner room behind the baptismal.

The room where I go by myself every week

to get everything ready
to record the sermon?

That's the spot.

(door rattles)

- The bride is the ghost of
a woman named Naomi Perkins.

She was engaged to this local doctor

who was also a deacon at
Brent's church back in the day.

They were supposed to get married

when he came back from the
war, but it never happened.

[Cameraman] So he died?

Nope, he met someone overseas.

- She was waiting for him to
come home, sewing her dress,

putting aside money for
fireworks for the celebration,

the whole thing, but he
met a woman in France

named Violette and well, the
heart wants what it wants.

She'd never been exactly stable,

but she kinda went off the deep end and,

well, he left and when he came back,

she would just show up at the
church every once in a while

and she'd be wearing her wedding dress

and asking if he loved her again yet.

- She died her hair to look
more like the new wife,

redid her makeup, style,
the whole shebang.

One day, she tried to attack
Violette with a knife.

Her family had her committed

and she died shortly thereafter,

but people say that you
still see her spirit

at the church from time to time,

especially when there's a wedding.

- I mean I always thought
the family overreacted,

but I mean, who amongst
us hasn't had a crazy ex

attack 'em from time to time with a knife?

(slow eerie music)

Yeah, I'm safe, ma.

It didn't happen while I was here.

I just wanted to let you know.

Yeah, I know, I love you too.

Listen, I gotta go.

I already said that.

Bye.

(grumbles)

- To be honest, I'm actually
really excited about this.

Brent and I have been
together for a year and a half

and the past 16 months
have been pretty rough.

So him coming to me with this

is actually a step in the right direction.

[Cameraman] A rough how long?

I mean, who's counting?

I appreciate any help you can offer.

I know it will put the
kid's minds at ease.

They're coming back?

Well yeah, they're curious.

You couldn't keep those kids outta church.

Maybe a lesson in there

about not letting ghosts
keep you from God.

- You know--
- But,

I think this is going
to be good for all of us

and you guys, you're gonna be

such a great example for the kids.

So, as you can see, this is an example

of what happens when you
give in to temptations

such as prideful vanity, hedonism,

lascivious reading and occult activity.

Okay.

- But, they found their way
back to the house of God.

Remember, it's never too late.

Right.

Thank you so much for
that introduction, Brent.

Yeah, so we are here to look for evidence

of paranormal activity.

And maybe Jesus?

- Right 'cause there's nothing
weird about that story.

(laughing) We normally break
off into smaller groups.

So we'll probably split you among us

and we will need you all
to sign a release form.

- That's right, we're working
with a bonafide, L.A.--

- [Cameraman] Colonel, please--

Professional filmmaker.

[Cameraman] No.

You make movies?

- [Cameraman] Now I just
document their ghost hunting.

How do you get that job?

Well he's one of my favorite directors.

So what else did you make?

Are you on YouTube?

He made porn.

(furniture screeches across floor)

I'm sorry, he did what?

[Cameraman] Guys, could you please

not put me in your stories or whatever?

- Could we have a brief
word. (laughs nervously)

Uh huh.

(runs fingers over piano keys)

(traffic humming)

- Why would you let me
bring a pornographer

into my church with kids?

Yeah, about that, do you think you could

exercise your power as youth minister

to make them delete any
photos that they took?

Adult filmmaker, kids, camera,
it's kind of a bad look.

(bleeps profanity) Should I just go?

No.

He's not a pornographer anymore,

he's a documentarian and I told you that.

I thought you meant that guy.

- Well then why did you
let me bring him in here?

To tell you the truth,

I kind of forget he's there sometimes.

You know, that happens sometimes.

(energetic piano music)

But if you're concerned about the quality

of this man's work, I will vouch for him.

He is someone who does not
sacrifice the money shot

for the story or vice verse.

Brent, Larry is just a normal guy now.

He's settled down and is
dating Ernestine Malone.

(slaps shoulder)

What?

No I'm not. (laughs)

Yes you are.

You two moved in together.

I am not dating Mrs. Malone.

- Oh well that's what I've
been telling all my friends.

Well who's asking if I'm single?

- And are they comfortable
getting on camera,

that's what I wanna know. (laughs)

So you're not dating each other,

you're just living together?

Yeah, with Duncan.

Wow.

No, we're tenents.

It's a boarding house.

Well, I think you should consider it.

You two are really well matched.

You know, now that it's out in the open,

maybe I should voice this,

but I've never been comfortable

with the undercurrent of sexual tension

between you two when you're in a room.

You, you've been uncomfortable?

Brent, the point is, Larry lost his way,

but look at where he is on a Friday night,

not with one of the wild girls
of the Historical Society,

no, here in a church,
and when one is lost,

isn't it our duty to welcome
them back into the fold?

(slaps shoulder)

- Larry Cochran, welcome
to the Stagrassle Church

of Enthusiastic Evangelism.

Please don't spend any time
with the kids unaccompanied.

(slaps shoulder)

(gentle eerie music)

Okay, which one of you is A.J.?

Great, let's talk a little bit more

about what you saw and
maybe head back that way.

Enzo, you stay down here with Bernice

because there have been
sightings of the bride

near the kitchen which makes sense

because that's where
she picked up her knife.

- You want me to stay closest
to where she grabbed a weapon?

- And you all can come
with me to the hallway

where she attacked Violette.

[Lorenzo] I'll be right back.

I'm going to my office for a bit,

really have some things
I need to pray over.

No ma, they're not making me stay.

I'm just nervous.

Nobody's bullying me.

Listen, I need to get back in there.

I'll text you.

Yeah, you too.

Bye.

(Lorenzo sighs)

(machine beeping)

Are you crazy?

Why did you stay here by yourself?

This is where Penny said to stay.

- Yeah but what if the
bride would've shown up?

That's what we want to happen, right?

Yeah, I mean uh,

but what if she had attacked you?

Why?

- She was a crazy lady who
got left for another pretty,

love-struck woman.

She would've probably gone
right for you on sight.

You think I'm pretty enough

to get attacked by a ghost?

Are you kidding me?

If I were a vengeful ghost,

I'd stab you before anybody else.

- Um, did everyone leave
while I was in the restroom?

(high pitched ringing)

(gentle eerie music)
(machine beeps)

Now see what you're gonna wanna do

is make sure that this is above your waist

otherwise it's just gonna pick up audio

of your scratching against your jeans.

So are we gonna get paid for this?

Oh, (laughs) no, no, no,

this is worldly experience right here.

Have you actually seen a ghost before?

Seen one? (laughs)

(phone buzzing)
Oh, wait.

You told us to turn our phones off

so it won't interfere with your equipment.

Getting my equipment interfered with

is exactly what I'm looking to do.

Let's see right here, give me a minute.

Are we ghost hunting or are we just

watching you get ghosted?

Say what?

Dating apps, right?

What are you on, Tinder, Happen?

- Well is that what you
kids are in to these days?

Gross, no, they're for old people.

My mom used to be on some,

but she had to delete
her account for a while

because creepy old dudes
kept messaging her.

Let me see your profile.

Oh, (laughs) you're not my type.

Just deal with your own stuff.

(laughs) Don't flatter yourself.

Come on, Colonel, maybe we help you.

Yeah, I helped my mom set up her profile

so I'm pretty good at this stuff.

Oh.

Oh, uh, see?

First when you get your
new profile picture,

let me look through your camera roll.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no
camera roll, camera roll.

We're gonna roll past that and I'm gonna

delete some of these off of here.

Just, oh that,

(tapping nails)

- Hey, I don't mean to
tell you your business,

but your movies have empowered it a lot.

[Cameraman] Yeah, it happens.

I need to forward this to my friends.

[Cameraman] Hey, respect the art, kid.

Okay, A.J., Brent said that you told him

that things were amiss
after you saw the bride.

What was there other than a sighting?

- Uh, some loud noises, smell
of sulfur, a weird mist.

- Okay and what were
you doing at the moment

that she appeared?

I don't know, it was all so crazy.

I was probably just praying,

thinking over some of my favorite psalms.

- Mmhmm and what first
alerted you to her presence?

Um, somebody was humming the Bride song.

[Cameraman] She has a theme?

- No, I mean, the "Here
Comes the Bride" thing

and then she appeared in the
room and it was super creepy.

- And did she speak to you
or interact in any way?

She

I can't do this.

[Cameraman] Take a breath,

don't let the camera make you nervous.

I'm not nervous about your camera,

I have a YouTube channel.

I just, I didn't see the bride.

- You mean that you heard something or--

No, I mean, I lied about it.

I didn't see anything.

Are you (bleeping profanity) kidding me?

- I don't think you can
say that in a church.

Obviously ghosts don't scare me,

but we don't typically
deal with violent spirits.

Stagrassle's a pretty peaceful town

aside from the meth labs.

And the mob that killed Mason Shome.

Right.

So we aren't in any danger?

I don't know, Eric.

Would you calm down and let me work?

Sorry.

Hey, which way did Ellen go?

Which one is Ellen?

The girl?

She went with the Colonel.

Anybody else go with them?

One of the other kids.

Chris?

Figures.

What does that mean?

Hand me that tape.

- People always want
to hang out with Chris.

Ellen always wants to be around Chris.

And you'd rather she hang out with you?

What?

No.

- Is there any agony sweeter
than unrequited love?

- Look, she didn't shoot
me down or anything,

I just haven't asked her out yet.

I think she's too into Chris.

You know what, screw Chris.

Ew, what?

No, not, (sighs) listen,

if you wanna be with Ellen,
you should give it a shot.

Let's go find the Colonel's group.

In stab hole?

Yeah, here, you take this.

And you, take this.

Let's go get your girl.

This is all so heroic.

(woman humming "Wedding March")

(machine beeping)

A prank?

Yeah, you know Metoda Murray?

She had the idea to throw a bottle rocket

into Mr. Brent's office.

His window faces the bridal room,

but she tripped and dropped it

and it went off in the room with us.

She freaked so I come
up with a stupid story

so she wouldn't get in trouble.

Mm, and you came up with a ghost?

You didn't wanna go with something

a little more believable?

I mean, you're here, right?

Fair.

Besides, it's not like she's not real,

I just didn't see her.

- Right, but this verified
sighting is now fake.

There is no reason for me to be--

(loud banging)

(playful dramatic music)

(gentle eerie music)

(high pitched humming)

We're here investigating a strange sound

that we just heard behind the baptismal.

- I'm here because you
said you needed someone

to play off on camera.

Focus, please.

Gonna set up the EMF
meter in the baptismal.

You look around up here, see
if you see anything strange.

Just keep talking.

- Uh, I don't really know
what I'm supposed to say here.

I usually do gameplay videos, but--

(loud banging)

Oh (bleeping profanity)

(slow dramatic music)

Okay, suck in your gut a little.

All right and give me
a little more attitude.

(camera snaps)

Okay, that's a picture.

Okay so your bio no longer says,

"Like to break that Posturepedic bed."

Instead it says that you
appreciate mature women.

And I changed your interest
from armadillo racing

to wildlife conservation.

(laughs) You know what,

when Brent said we gonna
be working with you kids,

I just thought, you know,

you all was gonna be little
assholes like my son,

but things are working out.

This is kinda nice.

So I was thinking about

undoing this button right here to show--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, (laughs) I sent the pic.

Once Ellen gets it uploaded,

you are gonna get so many right swipes.

(laughs) Well, I've never done that,

so let me get some stretching in.

- Oh wow, you already
have your first match.

See, I told you we were good at this.

It says here that she is
a dental hygienist and--

- Oh, look at--

Ew!

(running footsteps)

Ellen, are you okay?

- Eric, why do you have a
cheese grater on your arm?

For protection?

You should always have protection.

What happened, did you see her?

- No, but my mom swiped
right on this old creep.

(laughs) We're too good.

Our powers of romance
are a danger to society.

- Well we should head
back to Fellowship Hall.

Or, El, would you like to go with us?

Or maybe just hang out sometime?

Like a date?

Oh, that's so cool, but no thanks.

I mean, you're awesome, but I don't--

It's okay, I get it.

Hey, so we can walk back with you guys

and take a picture for
your dating profile.

Apparently I have a
chance with Ellen's mom.

You're such an ass, Chris.

Definitely looks like she's using

a Coke bottle right there.

(slow eerie music)

Okay, um, came down to the baptismal

and the main door shut
and locked behind me.

I think A.J. fled so, oh, okay,

all right, the baptismal font
doors are opening behind me.

I don't know by (gasps)

What the?

Brent?

Well hey Short Rib.

Have you found anything?

[Penny] Did you lock me in here?

Are you trying to baptize me?

No, no, but hey, if that time alone

made you rethink any choices, I mean,

I'm here, I've got all
this water already and--

[Penny] What is wrong with you?

Stop!

I wanna help you.

You're running with a crowd that is

worse and worse all the time.

I half expect you to join
the Historical Society.

[Penny] Brent, please.

- [Larry] Brent, come
on, man, that's enough.

Oh hey, now.

[Larry] A.J., what are you doing, buddy?

(slow eerie music)

- Okay in hindsight, I can
see how that was overstepping.

This is so stupid.

This fight, absolutely.

Should we apologize in three?

[Together] No.

What are we doing?

Brent, do you love me?

Well, (chuckles) I'm called to love all.

Do you even like me?

Because you don't seem to
like any of my interests

or aspects of my personality.

- Well, of course I like you, you're--

- No, it's okay, you
don't have to make a list

because I don't like me very
much when we're together

and I think we both
deserve better than that.

Wait, are you breaking up with me

'cause we bought camping
equipment and it's--

Which we never used.

Brent you don't even like to hold my hand.

I can't imagine what sharing a tent

with you overnight would be like.

I don't want to be Naomi Perkins.

I don't wanna hang around a church forever

hoping that someday, some
guy loves me (crying)

and you know, providing
a convenient excuse

for kids to set off fireworks indoors.

- Hey, come on, I told
you that in confidence.

I think you're a good person,

but you cannot be so
focused on the afterlife

that you make life worse for
people in the here and now.

I appreciate that you wanted to do

what you thought was best for me,

but I can't do this anymore.

- Penny, after a little prayer,
I think we should break up.

Okay Brent.

I know it didn't go so well last time,

but I know a spot where
you can throw something

in his office window if you want.

(laughs)

Can we cut?

Oh hey, I wanted to apologize.

I didn't mean to give you bad advice.

Don't worry about it, it's okay.

It's whatever.

At least now I know she's not interested.

You're okay.

Do you need to stand
on the side of a cliff

and stare pensively at the horizon?

It sucks, but I'm good.

So no offense, but this ghost
hunting thing is kinda lame.

Chris is gonna drive us to Waffle House.

Oh, okay well um, have fun. (chuckles)

Hey uh, Bernice?

Maybe next time.

Oh hey, you packing it in?

Are we done?

Yeah, we're done.

(gentle music box music)

No, you are not supposed to interfere

with the subjects of your documentary,

but you're also not supposed to baptize

people against their will, so,

I guess a lot of people were
bending the rules tonight.

That was not fun to watch. (sighs)

But it is true that a tough
scene can have a good payoff.

I learned something tonight.

It's that it's good to know
when it's time to move on

and just because a relationship

with one person doesn't work
out, if you have a good group,

you have somebody to fallback on

and apparently I've been in
a very serious relationship

with Mrs. Malone for a while.

(blows raspberry)

Ouch.

If there's one major takeaway
from tonight's adventure,

it is definitely that I need
to join the Historical Society.

(Static Sounds)

(energetic music)

(gentle slow music)

The cool breeze slid across the curtain

through the open window,

but I could tell the chill I felt

was something other worldly.

Although I couldn't see his ghostly form,

I could feel him and that
cold set a fire in me

that would last the whole night.

[Larry] Hold on,

you're saying this actually happened?

Oh yes, it definitely happened

and it's all in my new book.

[Larry] Your book?

(slow eerie music)

- My hours got cut back
at Less Buy Electronic

through no fault of my own

and my ma said I'd have
to get a second job

if I wanted to keep living at home.

So she set me up with this
lame, boring office job.

(phone rings)

Kronos and Sons, this is--

(man clears throat)

Kronos and Sons, this is Lorenzo.

(sighs)

[Larry] So it's not working out so well.

No, it is not working out so well!

Everybody knows that
Italians are people people.

I flourish around the public.

This job is no good.

[Larry] You think you have

enough sugar here, Colonel?

- God knows what I wouldn't do
to have some sugar right now.

- The Colonel's in a bit of a--

A drought!

A sweat-less, sugarless,
woman-less drought.

He's a little sensitive about it.

As for me, I feel great.

I haven't been this happy since

huh.

Okay um, I know that we've all been

a little scattered lately,

haven't been able to
meet up as frequently,

but I think we have a really
exciting opportunity tonight.

As both of you, all of you know,

Bernice has gotten us access

to Old Man McCarter's bookstore.

I would really like it if we could all,

all of us be on our best behavior

because if it's as active
as people say it is,

it would be a great spot
for repeat investigations

which is good because I don't think

we're gonna get invited back
to the church anytime soon.

(dramatic music)

- I most definitely have been
kicked out of a church before.

That's fair.

People say McCarter started his store

back in the 1920's 'cause
he had a ferocious,

lustful love of books.

- He collected them
from all over the world,

said he wanted to spread
that joy to others.

But I guess he was so obsessed,

he'd read for days and days
with no sleep or whatever.

- He needed it so bad
that he couldn't stop.

He had a throbbing until one day,

he just died from exhaustion,
his book still in hand.

Oh they say the television came along

and crushed everyone's desire to read

so he took his own life.

No, he died of the flu or syphilis.

That's subject to some debate,

but the store is haunted
as (bleeping profanity)

so yeah, if we could just all do our best

to act like people, that would be great.

Oh and Larry, you wanted to say something?

Yeah um, I was just thinking,

since the last investigation
went kind of awry,

maybe we could all refocus, you know,

maybe we could make this more
of a cinematic experience.

Cinematic?

- Yeah, maybe a little
more dangerous, you know,

- a little sexier--
- Sexier?

Like stunts?

I could do some stunts.

- Well I just feel like
we can get more suspense

out of these investigations, you know,

really draw the viewer in.

Oh I see how it is,

you get your face plastered on the paper

and now you're all Mr. Engorged Ego.

(chuckles) No.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

The article turned out nice.

Congrats.

Larry got a big writeup in the local paper

which you know because you're Larry.

- Stagrassle's son returns
home from Hollywood.

I guess it was kind of neat.

He's really popular right now with

people who still read the newspaper.

It really isn't that big of a deal,

I mean, you get used to the
attention after a while, so.

Actually, I have a copy here
if you wanna get a shot of it.

It was a little overboard

and a lot poorly written.

Apparently there's nothing else

to write about around here, but,

oh wait, there's a
semi-professional paranormal group.

Apparently they chase around the lingering

experience of the dead.

We're amateur at best.

Enzo, do you need some aspirin

or a bell and a high tower to ring?

Man, what I wouldn't do

to get my bell rung right about now.

Colonel.

Enzo's actually been acting weird

since he started the
job a couple weeks ago

which is when Bernice
started coming around less.

- Seriously, buddy, do you
need some food, some caffeine?

- Gas station air mattress,
I know I'm not using mine.

- I get it, everybody's used
to me being this big tough guy

and I'm off my game a little.

It's just, it's just this
job, (crying) that's all.

- He says it's the job,
but word on the street is,

Bernice got herself a new boyfriend

so it's probably Bernice.

It's most likely Bernice.

It's Bernice.

(crying) Excuse me.

(eerie slow music)

(cheerful music)

- Okay I guess we get started unloading--

Oh, where's the can?

Oh God.

Not what I had in mind.

Hey Penny?

Yeah?

Does this thing look okay?

Am I straight?

Um, let's see,

yeah, there you go.

Um, hey you look really nice.

Really?

Absolutely.

He looks more than just nice.

Um hi, I'm Penny Mendleson.

This is Enzo.

- My name is Amelia, it's
nice to meet you both.

Uh same.

So how long have you been working here?

About seven years now.

Been the manager for the last two.

- Have you seen anything
strange over the years?

(laughs) You wouldn't believe

some of the things I've seen.

I was telling your friend earlier--

Bernice!

Hey guys.

Hey.

Seems like I haven't seen you in forever.

- Yeah, things have
been pretty wild lately.

Hey Bernice. (laughs)

Hey Enzo.

Wow, you look different.

Well I don't know if you heard,

but I started a new job.

I've got my own desk and
everything. (chuckles)

Look at this suit.

Nice, huh?

How do I look?

Uncomfortable.

Tidy though.

- So how have things
been going with the book?

Great.

It's amazing what you can do
when you put your mind to it.

I've had these fantasies for years,

ideas, I mean.

I just needed the faith
to believe in myself.

I've even started working on the cover.

It's called "Proper Passions".

Wow, that is something.

- If you want help inking
it in, just let me know.

- Seeing that ghost, it's
like looking at a damn mirror.

Oh what.

Wow.

You mind if I borrow this
for about 120 seconds?

Uh sure.

- Make sure you buy
something, sweet sauce.

Restrooms are for customers only.

Hello.

Watch and learn, son.

Hello yourself.

Excuse me, do you mind helping me

find a very special book
for a very special lady?

It's called the "Karma Sutra".

Mm, (chuckles) subtle.

Ah yes, the "Karma Sutra".

What goes around come
with strong antibiotics.

- (chuckles) Look, you
are not the first guy

to try the whole help
me find a book routine

and you are definitely not my type,

but this whole dirty
grandpa thing you got goin',

kinda works.

How about I give you my number

and if I'm not doing any,

oh, hello Mr. Dumill, I
am ready for my closeup.

(box clatters)
Oh, (bleeping profanity)

(laughs) do you need anything?

Dammit Cochran.

What did I do?

Hey.

(dramatic music)

- That's so exciting, Bernice,
I'm really happy for you.

- I feel so fortunate to have
this honor and look at this,

it's an actual contract
stating that my book

will definitely be sold
in this very store.

She brought that herself.

Totally unnecessary.

I don't even know what to say.

This is such a huge deal.

It really isn't.

I mean it's consignment,

so you can sell just about anything.

I've got a guy that does
homemade erotic Chia Pets, so.

Come on, get excited.

Hey, this is a big deal.

Look, I'm really proud for you, Bernice.

Thank you and I could not have done it

without my new beau.

He's encouraging, he's
supportive and he's--

Brent?

Oh (chuckles) well hey guys.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

Oh how I've missed you, my dearest.

And I you, my spectral sweetheart.

Are you (bleeping profanity) kidding me?

What's wrong?

- What's wro, okay, are you
aware that this is my ex?

- Well since I'm the man,
technically, you're my ex.

- But I don't understand,
you were done with him.

No, I wasn't done with him.

Yes, but--

Seriously, this guy?

I mean you broke up, right?

Wah.

A year and a half we dated and now he's

just touching someone else's shoulder.

Brent doesn't touch anything.

This guy?

What?

How?

- He is the rock upon which
I will build my dreams.

(laughing)

(coughing)

I am so lost.

All right, you guys ready?

- (sighs)
- Move.

What is?

I missed something, didn't I?

Uh well, we're set up
if you wanna get going.

Uh you know there's a lot of action

that happens back here behind the counter

if you wanna come check it out.

Oh yeah?

You best leave this to me, Cochran.

It may be a little bit
more than you can handle.

- Well uh, let me set
some stuff up at least.

Okay so a lot of activity
happens back here with you?

Oh yeah.

- Okay um well, all right
uh, where should I put it?

God dammit, that's my line.

- You know, I was just
reading in the paper about how

they found another one of
those severed arms in the park.

- Wow, what is that,
three now, that's awful.

- (sighs) With all this
weird activity here in town,

it sure would make me feel better

to have a big strong man hanging around.

Or maybe two.

Twice the pleasure.

Maybe get a little safety sandwich or

the Colonel's rotisserie gold.

I'll spin ya.

Look, I'm gonna uh,

I gotta go do a thing and.

(sighs) Nice move, slick.

- Maybe now you can actually
get what you really need.

- Maybe you could give me
something I really need.

Oh yeah?

Yeah, could you write down

pretty boy's phone number for me?

Dammit.

(laughs)

It was at the church.

Penny had just broken up with Brent.

Well much like the good book,

that is open to interpretation.

I found myself alone.

- I needed a moment of
solitude to reflect.

He was in the bathroom.

- After I came out, we
bumped into each other.

I just loved his willingness to open up

about his emotions and his IBS.

(laughs) Okay sweetie.

That's when I knew.

I mean Bernice, of all people, really?

How could someone's
friend do this to them?

It blows my mind.

I mean you think you know somebody.

- Exactly.
- I mean,

- where's the loyalty?
- Yep.

For God's sake, you work together.

Thank you.

- And then he goes and tries
to steal your book skank.

Yeah so, wait, what?

What?

What the fuck is happening?

You know what?

Do you still have the mayor's number?

No, you told me to delete it.

Yeah, so you still have it, right?

Well look, even if I did still have it

and called, say the past
five nights in a row,

she ain't gonna answer.

Okay, well I need her number.

Why?

It doesn't matter, I just do.

- Hey, (chuckles) I get it,
she's good for rebounds,

but she does not respect
a safe word, okay?

(sighs)

(door thumps shut)

(eerie slow music)

Customers have complained about seeing

unusual things here 'cause
apparently this is a great place

for unusual, unbelievable,
awful things to happen.

Sometimes they hear noises,

find things mysteriously out of place,

even see books fly off the shelves.

Apparently a lot of upsetting
things happen in this store.

On the rare occasion, employees would

see Old Man McCarter wandering
the isles around here,

but there was no physical evidence,

so that's why we're here, but sometimes,

you don't always get what
you want in a bookstore.

So, we'll see.

(thumping knock)

- I think he's trying
to communicate with us.

Oh, I'll be right back.

What the hell she go?

I don't know.

By the way, do you hear that
Bernice was dating Brent?

Shh!

(thumping)

What's that?

What's he doing here?

- Guys, I think you remember Taylor--

Lockhart.

Lockhart of the Mayor's office.

S'up?

[Together] Hey.

Taylor's gonna be joining us tonight

because he wanted to
spend some time with me.

- [Larry] So you two are--

We're hanging out.

[Larry] Since when?

Since she called me earlier.

Oh no, can you get that?

Yeah yeah, no problem.

- [Larry] Not that I'm
trying to cause trouble,

but this seems a little hard to believe.

Didn't you once say he
was an unbelievable ass?

Has.

I said has.

Thank you.

Do you understand?

No, so you wanna date me?

No.

But you want me to date you?

Yes.

I don't get it.

I wanna make someone jealous.

Oh, so you don't like me.

No.

You seem really nice though.

How long have we not been dating?

- That's not important, we
can figure it out later.

Okay.

I get paid though, right?

Yes, I just want Bernice to get jealous

when she sees how good a
real relationship can be.

Oh, you like Bernice.

- As a friend, but mostly
I want her to dump my ex.

Oh.

You wanna get back with that guy?

Ew, no.

Then why do it?

I'm not sure.

Do you want the money for a
new synthesizer or don't you?

Yeah, for sure.

- Okay.
(book thumps)

What was that?

- I have been thinking, with
all my new found success,

do you think I need an agent?

All you need is an agent of the Lord.

I still can't believe you came tonight.

Well, I wanted to support you,

even if I can't fully
support what you're doing.

Searching for spirits?

- No, reading something
other than the Bible.

Oh.

Hey careful, careful.

- Oh Brent, you're
positively wild tonight.

Hey, safety first.

(machine beeping)

Is that the EMF reader going off

or the beating of my heart?

Could be anything. (laughs awkwardly)

- I'm definitely sensing
something here tonight.

Oh, you're pretty sensitive.

(dramatic music)

(slow eerie music)

McCarter, are you here?

Can you make your presence known?

- Come on old man, just
give us some action tonight.

Sh, listen.

(expressing disgust)

- Am I the only one here not
getting my swerve on tonight?

It's just those two.

[Enzo] Sorry to disappoint.

- No, that's not what I meant, it's just--

What happened?

We heard yelling.

What are you doing here?

- Well he just happens
to be my new boyfriend.

So, there's that.

We're totally into each other.

Your new boyfriend.

Don't you think that's rushing
things a bit, Pork Chop?

- Don't you ever call me
that again, Brent Less!

[Bernice] What's happening?

- Well where I'm from, we
call this a pissing contest.

- I'm gonna need more money for this--

Sh.

- I think we're all
moving a little too fast.

I think we've all been given free will

and we can just do whatever we want.

Mm well then, maybe we should.

You barely even know him.

Brent, oh my.

(slaps arm)

(gasps)

(slow romantic music)

Hey man, don't do that?

- I'm sorry, I can't take
the sexual tension tonight.

Larry. (grunting)

- Oh (laughs) you ghost
hunters are a lot freakier

than I was expecting.

(slurping)

Sorry.

(slow dramatic music)
(toothbrush swishing)

Hey go ahead and start the thing.

Now?

I thought you were gonna join.

- I can't get the taste of
Copenhagen out of my mouth.

So I quite the office job (laughs)

and my ma kicked me out,
but it's just temporary.

Until we could get things smoothed out,

Larry said I could stay with
him here at Mrs. Malone's.

He has his own bed.

I guess I learned that even though life

can be confusing sometimes,

you can't let frustrations get you down

and you can't lose hope.

You just need a good friend
who'll be there for you

when you get down 'cause that's
what friendship is about,

sticking together.

(mimics explosion) (chuckles)

Thanks Mrs. M.

- And if you're not sure
who is your good friend,

just ask them to take you to the hospital

for an emergency oral STD exam.

That clears things up pretty fast.

The prescription ointment helps too.

Mm, true.

What's she doing?

(sighs) It's just her thing.

(cups clink)

(upbeat energetic music)

(Exploding Sound)

(Deep Exhale)

(Group Laughing)

(Beep Sound)

She hung up on me

(Group Laughing)

(Beep Sound)

I’m gonna fix your crotch right quick.

Fix my crotch

(Beep Sound)

Unless you think he needs to rest.

(Group Laughing)

(Beep Sound)

I don’t really know if he has any, Ooh.

(Group Laughing)

(Beep Sound)

It’s like an Indian burial mound-

but with bone fragments

(Group Laughing)

(Beep Sound)

So how did you guys meet?

Mission work.

Did you guys, oh you worked. Shit.

(Group Laughing)

Don’t say shit.

(Beep Sound)

Down at Terry’s

You wanna, You wanna dance?

(Group Laughing)

Dance

(Beep Sound)

Dance

(Group Laughing)

(Beep Sound)

So who knows what we’ll find in Stagrassle.

(Group Laughing)