All language subtitles for Ted.S01E07.720p.WEBRip.x265-PROTON

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

* *

- * My words are lazy *

* My thoughts are hazy *

* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

[jazzy music]

* *

- All right.

We have come to the final unit
here in health class--

sexual education.

Now, this is
mature subject matter,

and I expect you all
to handle it with maturity

like the young adults
you are becoming.

- I'm scared, Teddy.

What if he shows us a diagram
of a vagina and I get a boner?

- Hey, you're getting a boner
before this class ends, buddy.

The sooner you wrap your head
around that, the better.

- Sexual intercourse is
a physical expression

of love and affection
that is perfectly natural

and often deadly.

Sexually transmitted
diseases include

gonorrhea, HIV,
herpes, chlamydia,

HPV, hepatitis A through C--

- * JFK, blown away,
what else do I have to say? *

[laughter]
* We didn't start the fire *

- Ted, knock it off!

See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

To avoid
sexually transmitted disease,

it is important
to practice safe sex.

Now, who can tell me
what the safest sex of all is?

No one?

Masturbation.

- Hey, if you're gonna
assign homework,

Johnny already did it
this morning.

- Hey, shut the fuck up, dude!

- He's doing extra credit.
- Be quiet!

- Stop it!
- Oh!

- You keep that up, you're
headed for detention, mister.

Now, why is it important
to practice safe sex?

Well, it all begins
with biology.

- Aw, here we go.
- Let's start

with the female
reproductive system.

- Oh, no.

- Holy shit.
That's fast, even for you.

[bell rings]

- Well, I'm glad
that's over, huh?

- I know, that was like
sex ed for babies.

- What?

- I mean, you're
really gonna talk

about masturbation
and leave out edging?

- Seriously.
He didn't even talk about

how massaging the prostate
increases orgasm intensity.

- Did you see how
when I brought up rimming,

he flipped to the glossary?

[both chuckling]
- Wait, you t--

you two have had sex?

- [sarcastically] No.

I'm felching my own jizz.

Pfft! Duh, we're 16.

- When? With who?

- A few weeks ago,
with each other.

- We didn't want to be
the last ones in school

to lose our virginity.

- Oh, yeah.
[laughs]

No. Right, of course.

How--how lame would
that be, right?

- Wow, I didn't even know
you two guys were dating.

Andrew, I thought you were gay.

- I don't know.
Might be.

I just know I'm not
a fucking loser.

- You're so confident.
I love it.

- Let's go
to the computer room.

We can do it
on the Oregon Trail.

- Holy shit, Teddy,
do you know what this means?

I'm the last virgin in school.

- What about Ben Carness?

- No, he slept
with his math teacher.

That's why she got fired.

- I thought she got fired
for giving him angel dust.

- Yeah, Teddy,
I think that was the trade.

- Oh.
Oh, wow--

oh, yeah,
well, then that's a mess.

- Anyway, dude,
this is serious.

I need to hurry up
and have sex with somebody

before people find out
and I'm humiliated.

- You're right.
We gotta find a buyer.

Fresh penis!

Get your fresh penis here!

- Ted, Jesus Christ!

- This penis used to belong
to a little old lady

who only fucked it on Sundays!

Still has that new penis smell!

- Will you shut up?

- All right,
I'm just trying to help.

* *

- Okay, what about Talia?

- Talia Winthrop is not
having sex with you.

- Hey, you don't know that.

- You ever seen the guys
she dates, Johnny?

They're brooding degenerates.

They paint their nails.

Is that what you want to do?
You want to paint your nails?

- I could paint my nails.

- Oh, ok--oh, you want
to be nail-painting guy?

Okay, get ready
to never be funny.

No more jokes.

You never get
to make a joke again.

- Why not?

- Nail-paint guy
is very serious.

If you're on a cruise
and you spot

the captain bringing
a lady passenger

back to his cabin,
what do you say?

- Well, you say,
"Thar she blows."

- No, you don't.
You say, "Good for them."

You say, "Everyone deserves
love in this fucked-up world,"

'cause you got painted nails.

- Wait, can I--can I say,
"Shiver me timbers"?

- No, you cannot.
No jokes.

Only finger colors.

[door opens]

Oh, hey, Blaire.
Hey, you think

one of your college friends
would be willing

to have sex with John?

- [sarcastically]
Yeah, every lit major wants

to have sex with a teenager
on his Star Wars sheets.

- Oh, and a bad relationship
with her father is a plus.

You got any friends like that?

- Okay, why are you
asking me this?

- 'Cause I'm the last virgin
in my class.

- Come on,
your friends are always

trying to do good in the world.

How about one of 'em
takes a break

from feeding the hungry
to fuck the desperate?

- Yeah, no.
I'm not helping you.

- God, I'm pathetic.

- Ah, come on.
There's a lot of cool virgins.

The Flying Nun,

Richie Rich,

the Lincoln Memorial...

That yearbook.

- I've never had sex,

never had a girlfriend.

Fuck, I've never even
kissed anybody.

- You kissed Michael Dukakis

at that parade
when you were nine.

- Yeah, that doesn't count.
He kissed me.

- It was passionate enough
that they ran it in the paper.

Look, don't worry, Johnny.

There's a lot of alleys
in Boston.

One of them's gotta
have a glory hole.

And if it doesn't,
we're going to Worcester.

- Look at all these
welfare queens.

See, tha-that's the problem
with this country.

Everybody expects
everything handed to them

on a silver platter.

- Hey, guys.

Um, can I talk to you
about something?

- You want a tuna sandwich?

- No, I'm--I'm okay.

Um...

it's about John.

Uh, I think he might be
on the verge of--

Well, I--I think
he's interested

in becoming sexually active.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I don't really know
how I can be clearer than that.

Um, have you guys ever talked
to John a-about sex?

- Course not.
He's only 16.

- Talking about sex is rude.

- So you're gonna rely
on a gym teacher

and a horny teddy bear?

I mean, how do you
expect him to learn

what he needs to know?

- When you get drafted,
they show you a film.

- Look, I get it can be
an awkward conversation,

but it's really important.

- Tony Randall was in it.

- You're
absolutely right, Blaire.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna clip an Ask Beth
from "The Globe,"

and I'll slide it
under his door.

- Guys, there's
nothing shameful

about human sexuality.

- You've never been
in a strip club

when the lights come on.

And neither have I.

- Matty, this isn't
a joke, okay?

He needs to know this stuff.

- Look, I-I'll talk to him
when the time is right.

- And I'm telling you,

as somebody who knows him
really well,

it's the right time.

Okay, I think
you're trying to avoid

an uncomfortable conversation,

and honestly,
that's selfish of you.

- All I'm trying to do
is eat my lunch here.

Jesus.

Your period coming in
or something?

- I--what?

- Forget it.
- Coming in?

Like it's my fucking
adult teeth?

- Forget I brought it up.
- Fuck, it sounds like

you need the talk, not him.

Do you have any idea
how a period actually works?

- I know enough.

- No one's ever explained it
to you, have they?

- I tried once,

but Matty said it was
too close to the holidays.

- Oh, my God.
Aunt Suze,

think about your son,
all right?

Don't you want John to grow up

to be a sexually healthy adult?

- Blaire, language.

- My parents never talked
to me about sex.

I figured it all out on my own,
and I'm doing just fine.

- We'll talk to John.

* *

[knock on door]

- Come in.

- John?

- Yeah?

- Are you alone?

- Yeah.
Yeah, Teddy went

to the store to get Doritos.

- Oh, we have Doritos
here at the house, honey.

- We do?
- Oh, yeah, always.

- Oh, that's right.
We're trash.

- John, your father and I,

we want to talk to you
about something.

It's a private thing.

- What is it?

- John,

sometimes when two grown-ups
are married,

and they're in a bed,

and it's nighttime,

they get this funny feeling
in their bathing suit areas.

- Jesus Christ, Susan!

It's like this, John.

Men and women have
different parts,

and those parts fit together
like a piston and a cylinder.

Just give the motor
a minute to warm up.

If you gun it,
you're gonna blow a gasket,

seize up, and you're
looking at minimum a grand

for a new engine block.

That's sex.

Fuck me.

- John.

Someday, when you're older,

you're gonna have
your first time,

and it should
be special, honey.

- Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom.

- I want it to be better
than my first time.

- God, no, please don't--

- It was 1974.

And your father and I were
staying at a Howard Johnson's

off the turnpike,
and things were moving quickly,

when suddenly there was
a news bulletin on the TV.

Nixon had resigned.

Oh, your father,
he was so distracted

and just so agitated and--

- Mom, really,
you don't have to do this.

- I tried to get him back
into bed, but he wouldn't.

He was too upset.
He just kept yelling,

"The hippies have won!
The hippies have won!

They've won!
They've won!"

[sighs]

I hope this helped.

* *

[lighter flicking]

- Ugh.
[exhales]

This fucking resin's
giving me a headache.

Can't you call your guy?

- Ah, my guy won't
sell to me on Shabbat.

- Ah, shit.

Teddy, what if
I'm a virgin forever?

I mean, what do I do?

- [coughing]
Look,

I know the glory hole thing
didn't work out,

but at least we got
to see the city.

We met that
friendly homeless guy

who taught us a lesson
and then died.

- Yeah, but I mean, like,
what if this is my future?

- Well, if it is,
you just gotta learn

to live with the embarrassment.

- Yeah, I mean,
it could be worse.

I mean, Mr. Belvedere sat
on his own balls

and had to go to the hospital.

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah.
I mean, that's humiliation.

- Like--like, Mr. Belvedere
from the TV show?

- Yeah.
Yeah, man.

He was riding in a convertible

during the Hollywood
Christmas parade,

fell backwards,
crushed his own balls.

- Jesus.

Would you rather have that
happen to you at a parade

or what happened to JFK
happen to you at a parade?

- Oh, God,
I honestly don't know.

- Yeah, that's
a tough one, right?

- That's a really tough one.
That's, like, one of

the hardest would-you-rathers
I've ever heard.

- I know.
That's, like, a brainteaser.

- God, I'm too high
to think about that.

- Yeah, it's a tough one.

- Okay, all right, fuck this.

We gotta get some real weed.

- Hey, what about
Sheila Borgwardt?

- What, like,
smoking-hot Sheila?

- Yeah, remember,
she hooked us up before.

She sent us to that dealer
who turned out to be Blaire.

- Oh, yeah, that wasn't good.

- Well, it's just like
Homeless Joe said.

Be careful what you wish...

[together] Agh, my heart.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he died.

* *

Oh. Hey.

- Hey.

Ted, right?

- Yeah, that's right.

Uh, hey, is your sister here?

- Uh, yeah.

Sheila, you got company!

See you later.

John?

- Oh. Hi, Bethany.

- Hi. How's it going?

- Uh, it's going good.

My, uh--
my teddy bear's upstairs

buying drugs from your sister.

- Ah, nice.

Wh--sex ed class was weird
the other day.

- Oh, yeah, it was super weird.

- Yeah, I still can't
get the image

of Mr. Maynard putting a condom
on a banana out of my head.

- Oh, yeah, I know, right?
Like--

like, can you imagine,
like, being a banana,

and--and, like, you get picked,
and then you get put on a boat,

and then you get put
into the market,

and--and you're thinking
the whole time, like,

oh, I hope I get to be made
into, like, a cream pie

or, like,
used as a phone for humor.

And then you're just
sitting in our class,

pretending to be a dick.

- Well, I-I gotta go.

- Oh, okay, yeah, for sure.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good to see you.

See you later.

- You promise this is just
for you, right?

'Cause I don't want
to get busted for enabling.

- Nope, just me and the rest of
the guys in the doo-wop group.

Those guys need a buzz
to feel the music, you know.

Me, I'm good when I'm straight.

That's why I'm always
the one talking

to management about payment.

You know, anything
logistic like that,

it always falls on my--
- Yeah, yeah.

You looking
for something mellow

or something more potent?

- Well, my last guy gave me

something that was pretty good.

It was called
Confident Gorilla.

You got any of that?
- I don't think so,

but I just got this new batch
called Heartbeat Fingers.

- Ah, yeah, no, that--no,
tha-that doesn't sound so good.

Uh, uh, what else?

- Uh, let me look.

- So, Sheila,

no offense, but you ever think
about doing something

about that god-awful name?

Got it.

- Oh, hell yeah.

- Yeah, by the way, just FYI,

Sheila is
her dead mother's name,

so we're not allowed
to shop here anymore.

- Oh, man, Kafka Trip?

Isn't this the stuff
that made me think

the Land O'Lakes lady
was mad at me?

- Well, she only had
a few other batches.

Uh, Heartbeat Fingers,
Bathroom Mirror Reckoning,

What Was That,
and Why Won't The Pee Start.

- Yikes.
- All right, go on.

Put it in your bag.

- Hey!

Hey, we need that pot,
you motherfucker!

[both grunting]

Get off me!

- Jesus, nice save!

- Man, fuck that guy.

We should call
the fucking cops.

- Yeah, maybe--maybe
under the circumstances, no.

- Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

- Oh, hey, Bethany.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

- I can't believe you did that.
That was so cool!

- No, I was just reacting
in the moment.

It's not that big a deal.

- No, that took guts.

You're, like, kind of awesome.

- Well, you know, when you're
addicted to a substance,

you can do anything
you put your mind to.

- I have swim practice
tomorrow afternoon,

but after that, would you
maybe want to hang out?

Maybe see a movie
or get food or whatever?

- Yeah. Yeah, sure.

- Want to pick me up at 7:00?

- Definitely.

- Cool.

- See ya.

Holy shit, I got a date.

- A date?

Johnny, look
at the big picture.

This is your chance
to have sex.

- What, you think so?

- She called you "cool."

Chicks have sex with cool guys.

- Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

- Fuck "maybe."
Trust me on this.

We are gonna make sure you
don't blow this opportunity.

And I will guide you.

I will be...
[grunting]

Your Master Yoda.

- I mean, I guess I could try.

- Screw or screw not.
There is no try.

Now, let's get you
some exercise.

Run, Johnny, run! Run!

"Yes, a Jedi's strength flows
from the Force,

but beware the dark side."

I mean, unless
she says it's okay.

[jazzy music]

* *

- Are we sure about this?

- Look, you gotta have condoms

locked and loaded on your date.

When you get--well, you know,

maybe not loaded, obviously,
but you gotta be ready.

- There's a lot of options.
I don't know what to pick.

- Well, which one
speaks to you?

- Maybe these?

"Ribbed for her pleasure"?

- Good choice.
And you want to know a trick?

You turn it inside out
and steal the pleasure.

- You can do that?

- Oh, yeah, she'll be like,

where's the pleasure?

And you'll be like,
uh, uh, uh, I don't know.

Uh, I didn't know
there was any pleasure.

- Can I help you young men
pick out a condom?

- Uh, no.

Act-actually, we were--
we were just leaving.

- Oh, please don't go.

One of the joys
of my job is pairing

the right young man
with the right condom.

- Oh, that's...normal.

- Well, I don't really know
what I want.

- Well, tell me about the girl.

- Um, she's got
medium brown hair,

average height.

I-I think she might be
on the swim team.

- I see. Jewish?

- I don't think so.

- Well, that rules these out.

What about community activism?

Does she do any charity work?

- I--I honestly don't know.

- Why don't you try a Ramses?

Sturdy, solid,
made for all kinds of weather,

can withstand
over 300 pounds of torque.

- Oh, Johnny, how many pounds
of torque were you gonna do?

- Uh, thank you.

- I just want to say,
I've been watching

you shop here for years.

I've been waiting for this day.

Frankly, I thought it would
come a little sooner, but...

[whispers] Congratulations.

- I need an adult!
I need an adult!

- It's okay.
It's all right, Johnny.

It's all right.
Look, uh, here you go, buddy.

Keep the extra.

- Hey! You!

Get away from that kid!

Now, how can I help you?

* *

- Okay, now, I'm gonna
time you on this.

- This feels weird.

- Look, you have trouble
taking off her bra,

she's gonna know
you're a virgin.

- Shit, really?

- Trust me, all right?

Now take it off.

- Okay.

What are you doing?

- Well, I'm not gonna
make it easy for you.

You gotta work for it.

- Jesus.

Jesus Christ, Teddy,
just let me do the clasp.

- Oh, no, you gotta earn it.

All right, now let's pretend
you're a randy executive

and I'm your secretary.
Go.

[high-pitched] Mr. Bennett,
Mr. Bennett, control yourself!

For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett,
you're a married man!

- Teddy, come on!

- Who's Teddy?
I'm Debra.

I just moved to the big city

with nothing but a suitcase
full of dreams

and an associate's degree
from Katharine Gibbs.

- Uh, hi.

What the hell are you doing
in my bra?

- The question is, what
am I stilldoing in your bra.

Johnny?

- I've got a date
with Bethany Borgwardt,

and I'm--

I'm practicing
in case we have sex.

- Practicing what?

- I want her to think
I'm experienced,

you know,
like I've done it a lot.

- Okay.

Well, I do have some thoughts
on the topic.

Uh, one, whoever this girl is,

she's not gonna want
to have sex with you

if she thinks that's
all you're interested in.

And two, she's definitely not
gonna be into it if she thinks

you've been sleeping around
with other girls.

- Wait, so I can't want
to have sex with her?

- No, you just--

eh, you can't want it
too much, you know?

- Okay, well, what's
the right amount to want it?

- Just be yourself.

Okay?

The rest will happen naturally.

- Yeah, if I may count it,
John has been himself

for 16 years and raked in
exactly zero vagina.

Am I getting that number
right, John, zero?

- Yeah, yeah, zero.

I think--
[sighs]

I think I'm gonna
do it Ted's way.

- That is a very
self-destructive sentence.

- Blaire, please, you're
disrupting a teachable moment.

- Fuck it.

Whatever, I tried.

Just give me my bra back.

- Now you know!

- Teddy, we're missing
something here.

- What?

- How am I even supposed
to get to the sex

if she doesn't have
a good time?

I mean, I haven't even
planned the fucking date.

- Johnny, you are gonna
take her

on the best date of her life.

- What do you mean? How?

- Your teddy bear's
got you covered.

* *

Hey, Bethany.

This is for you.

- Ted?

What's this?

- Your attire for the evening.

- Wh--I-I'm wearing
my outfit for the evening.

Where's John?

- He awaits you

on your flying carpet.

[sweeping orchestral music]

* *

- Oh, John, I-I can't believe
you did this.

- Yeah, well,
it's our first date.

I wanted to make it special.

- I have sort of
a confession to make.

- What is it?

- I still haven't seen
"Aladdin."

- Aw, man.
Are you serious?

I thought, like,
every girl loved that movie.

- My friends love it.

I have kind of weird taste
in movies.

- Like what?

- It's kind of embarrassing.

- No, you gotta tell me now.

- Well, there's
this really good bad movie

from the early '80s
called "Flash Gordon."

- No fuckin' way!

- You've seen "Flash Gordon"?

- Oh, only, like,
a thousand times!

Of course.
It's my favorite fucking movie.

- You're just saying that.
- No, no, no.

"Who are you?
Flash Gordon.

Quarterback, New York Jets."

- I love that!
And when Princess Aura's like,

"Father! Damn you, Father!"

- Oh, man, is that a
four-pack-a-day voice or what?

- Dude, those lungs
are working overtime.

- Oh, and when
Prince Vultan is like,

"That must be one hell
of a planet you men come from."

And Flash says..

[together] "Not too bad."

- Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

I have never met a girl
who liked that movie.

- Well, now you have.

- Oh, shit!

[tires screech]

- Ah!

[both grunting]

[squirrel chitters]

- Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ,
are you guys okay?

- I think so.

- Johnny, Johnny,
you all right?

Talk to me!

- Teddy?

Did I sex?

- You sure did, buddy.

You sexed real good.

You sexed real good.

* *

- You know, you're lucky
you weren't more hurt.

How are you feeling now?

- Not too bad, actually.
My arm is a little--

- No, him.

- Oh, right, yeah.

- I'm okay.

Uh, you know, it doesn't
hurt that much.

Uh, doctor, I-I really have
no idea how this happened.

You know, we were both
sitting inside the car,

and we had our seatbelts on,

you know,
as is required by law--

- Son, this isn't
my first night in the ER.

I saw the carpet burns.

I know when kids have been
"A Whole New World-ing."

I curse the day
that movie came out.

All right.
You're gonna be okay.

There's no concussion.

But I need you to get some rest
for the next few days.

And stay off cars.

- Okay. Thanks.

- Listen, I'm--
I'm sorry about tonight.

You know, it was stupid.

- No, it wasn't.

It was romantic and thoughtful.

- Wait, so you're not mad?

- No.

I like you--a lot.

- Okay, well,
do you maybe want to go

on an inside-the-car date
sometime?

- [chuckles]

I have a better idea.

I was supposed to go
to the prom with Danny Hirsh,

but his acne has
reached a point

where I need to take action.

Would you maybe want to go?

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

- Cool.

I'm actually kind of surprised
you don't have a date already.

Although I guess
I haven't seen you

around school
with a girlfriend.

- Oh, John's had
lots of girlfriends.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.
You're looking at a guy

with a whole lot
of experience...

with fucking.

Right, Johnny?

- Uh--uh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm still sore
from yesterday, you know?

Yeah, a whole lot of--
whole lot of pounds of torque.

- Oh.
- Trust me,

this guy knows his way
around a woman.

You know what they call him
at school?

The Ladyboy.

He's that seasoned.

- Sorry, we need this room.

We got another one.

Goddamn movie.

* *

- Guess what?

One of the eggs had two yolks.

I can't wait to get invited
to a party.

I have small talk.

- Well, you know, uh,
Johnny also has some good news.

- Aw, shut up, man.
- No, no, no.

No, no, no, we're doing this.
I'm proud of you, man.

Our boy has been invited
to the prom.

- [gasps]
- What?

Are you serious?
- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Invited?

She invited you?

- Yeah.
- See that, Susan?

Still think
the Clintons are harmless?

- Times are changing, Matty.
You gotta keep up.

- Oh, John!

I'm so happy for you.
[chuckles]

Who's the lucky girl?

- Bethany Borgwardt.

- Wait, the--the girl
from the other night?

The one with the--

- The bra lady, yeah.

Guess somebody gave him
some good advice.

- Well, I'm very surprised.

Uh, I guess, good luck.

- All right,
I gotta go to work.

I'll see you later.

- Don't forget
your lunch, honey.

- [grunts]

Take the fruit out!

I can't be seen at work
with a plum!

- Why?

There's fiber in here, hon.

You haven't made caca yet.

- Hey, Blaire, you know,
since Johnny's got a date,

how about you and me go
to the prom?

- Yeah, no thanks.

- Why not?

- A high school prom?

Been there, done that.

No booze, no thanks.

- Ah, come on.
Don't leave me hanging!

Johnny's gonna be
off getting laid.

I don't want
to be stuck talking

to a bunch of wiener bags.

- Don't you think you're being

a little overconfident
about this?

I mean, he just started
dating this girl.

- Yeah, but it's--

it's going really good, Blaire.

We had a great time
on our first date.

Even the hospital was fun.

- Yeah, they're gonna fuck
for sure.

I mean, unless, you know,
the timing's off.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I mean, you know, if--

if she's gotta make her period.

- What?
- You know, if it's

that time of the week.

- Okay, so what?
So what if she gets her period?

- Well, like, you can't
have sex then, right?

Like, I heard that
if you have sex

while a girl's doing
her period,

then--then you could
go back in time.

- I think I just went
back in time.

Does any male in this house

actually even fucking know
how it works?

Well, do you?

- I-I do not.
- I actually

have no idea, no.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Ugh. Okay.

- I actually was always
kind of curious.

- There's, like, a--
a little tube, right?

- Yes, a tampon.

- Oh, yeah, I know that word.

- Is a crampon also something?

- A crampon is used
for rock climbing.

It's got nothing
to do with periods.

- Oh.

It's weird that it has the word

"cramp" in there though, yeah?

- Two completely
different things.

- But you can see
why I thought--

- Okay, you want to make jokes,

or you want to fucking
learn something?

- I wasn't making a joke!

I didn't know about
the rock climbing! God!

- How's it work?

Give me your best guess.

- You put the tampon inside.

- Genius, yes. How?

- Y-you swallow it.

- You use the applicator
to insert it into the vagina,

and then you remove the
applicator by pulling it out.

- And this happens
all the time?

- Once a month
for just a few days.

- Is it shorter in February?

- You want to get fucking wet?

- No, no, no.
No, I'm good, I'm good.

- Look, I know you guys think
you're pretty smart.

But maybe you're not as ready
for sex as you think you are.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

- John, it's Bethany.

- Oh, hey, Bethany.

Yeah, we were, uh--we were
just talking about the prom.

I'm really excited.

What time should I pick you up?

- Yeah, about that,
I've been thinking,

maybe it's better
if we go separately.

- Wait--wait, what? Why?

- I just think you might be
a little bit too, um,

experienced for me.

- No, but--
[splutters]

- [high-pitched]
Come back to bed, Johnny!

I'm one of your many satisfied

sexual partners!
- [whispers] Stop!

- [whispers] What?
He's gonna thank me.

- No, he's not!
- Shh!

Hey, uh, can we talk
about this?

- I'm sure you've got
lots of other girls

who'd love to go with you.

Maybe you ask one of them.

Sorry.

- She dumped me.

- What?

- Yeah, it's--it's over.

- No, it's not.

We are gonna do what they do
in the movies.

Go over there tonight,
stand on her lawn,

and declare your love
for all the world to hear.

- Yeah.

[siren chirps]

Sorry about that, Officer.
Thank you so much.

- Our apologies.
Won't happen again.

- Wow, that was so not good.

- Yeah, her dad really
did not care that you love her.

- I can't believe
I listened to you.

You fucked
this whole thing up, Teddy!

- It's okay, Johnny.
We can still salvage this.

All right, there's gonna be
a lot of girls at the prom.

We're gonna get you
a fake chest.

We'll stick a sock
in your pants.

- This isn't just
about sex, okay?

How many times
do I have to stand here

and tell you,
I really like her?

She's wicked cool.

We've got a lot in common.

- Wasn't it pretty much
just "Flash Gordon"?

- We could have built off that.

Where am I gonna find
another girl

who likes that movie?

I mean, you and me like it,

but that's mostly
'cause of drugs.

- Okay, look,
I fucked up, all right?

But we can still have fun
at the prom.

Come on, we'll spike the punch
and stuff the ballot box

so a couple of horse-faced kids
win King and Queen.

- If you want to go
to the prom,

you can do it without me.

- Johnny.

[melancholy music]

[jazzy music]

- Come on, hurry up,

before I change my mind.

Oh, my God, that's--

that's the tie you landed on?

- Yeah, what's wrong with it?

- You're wearing
a fucking piano tie to prom.

What are you, in an a-ha video?

- Well, you know, it's
kind of hard to tie a bow tie

when you got no fingers.

You look great, by the way.

See?
See how easy that is,

to give someone a compliment?

- Oh, look at you two,
all dressed up!

Oh, Matty,
don't they look nice?

- Yeah.
- Blaire, you should

wear girl clothes
more often, hon.

- Thanks.

- Is John going too?

- No, he's, uh--
he's still pretty upset.

- Oh, no, my baby.

- Matty, why don't you
go talk to him?

- Huh?

- Go talk to John.

- What do you mean?

- Oh, my God.
Am I speaking Farsi?

Go speak to your son.

Do, like, a, I don't know,
father-type thing.

- You know,
I remember my junior prom

and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb.

He was so nervous,
he accidentally stabbed me

putting on the corsage.

And I didn't want to make
a fuss or anything like that,

so I spent the whole night

with this carnation stuck
to my breast.

- Jesus,
this fucking story again.

I'll talk to John.

- And then I got sepsis,

and I'm still
not allowed to swim.

[video game beeping]

- Hey, Johnny, wrap it up.
I need your help.

- Just started the game.

- Tough shit.

I gotta load
our old refrigerator

in the back of the truck,

dump it in the woods.

- It's 7:30 at night.

- Yeah.
This isn't exactly legal, John.

But I'll be damned if I'm
paying for bulky-item pickup.

Besides, it'll be fun
for kids to play in.

- Can't we just do it
another time?

- Why? It's not like
you have anywhere to go, right?

- Dad, I know
what you're doing.

- I'm not doing anything.

I just need another set
of hands.

- I'm not going to prom!

All right?
I--I got dumped.

It'll be too embarrassing.

- Life is a series
of embarrassments.

Bosses humiliating you,

your wife nagging you
all the time,

going off to fight
in the one war

where you're the bad guy.

I mean, fuck.

- Is this supposed
to be a pep talk?

- All I'm saying is,
you only get so many nights

like this one, John.

There are no junior proms
when you're an adult.

You miss this one,
that's fucking it.

The rest of your life is
spending all day

breaking your back,
and all night

standing at a toilet,
peeing in Morse code.

All right.

There you go.

[indistinct chatter,
music thumping]

- * Rhythm is a dancer *

* It's a soul's companion *

* You can feel it everywhere *

* Lift your hands and voices *

* Free your mind and join us *

- See, this ain't
so bad, right?

- Thanks to this,
not the worst night of my life.

- Yeah, well, I'm having
a nice time with you too.

And the compliment-free
evening continues.

Hey, Javier!

Ha! I know that guy.

- No one was looking at you.

- Yeah, it's just--there was--
there was the one guy.

- No, I have great eyes,
and no one was looking.

- No, it's just--it's this
thing we do, the two of us.

Ah, that's so him.

- Have you made
any fucking friends this year?

- Uh, not really, no.

[whooping and laughter]

- Shit, Ted, look.

- Hey! Hey, Johnny!

- Hey, John.
- Hey, buddy.

Hey, hey, you just
missed Javier, man.

He was up to his old tricks.

- Shit, again?

Man, I really gotta
meet that guy.

He sounds awesome.
- I know, I--

fuck, he's always just leaving
when you get here.

I-I don't--
I don't know how that happens.

- Well, listen, man, I--

I'm really sorry
for laying into you like that.

- No, man, I'm sorry.

I fucked things up
between you and Bethany.

I should have just kept
my big mouth shut

and let you be yourself.

- No, man,
it's not all your fault.

I didn't have to listen to you.

I made my own choices.

I think I know
how to un-fuck things.

Bethany. Hi.

- John.

Hi.

- So listen, I was wondering

if you'd maybe
give me another chance.

- John, look.

I think you're
a nice-enough guy,

but you're not the guy for me.

I-I'm just not interested

in being a notch
in someone's belt.

- Okay, well, that's what
I'm here to tell you.

I've never had sex, okay?

I'm a virgin.
I-I said that I had

because I thought
it would impress you.

It was stupid.

- So you lied to me?

- Well, yeah.

I'm sorry.

- How do I know
you're not lying now?

- I'm not.
I'm not.

I swear to God.

And I think I can prove it.

Excuse me.

I need that mic.
I got something to say.

- Sorry,
it's against the rules...

unless it's for true love.

- It is.

- Go get her.

[music stops]

- Hi. Hi, every--
[feedback whines]

Oh, that's loud.
Hi, everyone.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Sorry for the interruption.
I, uh,

uh, just have
a real quick question.

Who here has had sex with me?

Nobody.

You want to know why?

Because I'm a virgin.

I was too embarrassed
to admit it until tonight,

but it's the truth.

And you know what?

I bet I'm not alone.

I bet there are more of you
out there just like me,

so let's stop being embarrassed

and let our voices be heard.

Who out there is a virgin?

[hushed chatter]

[stifled laughter]

- Nerd!

- What the fuck?
- What? He was drowning.

No sense in me going down
with him.

[laughter]

- Hey.
Hey, John, wait up!

I can't believe
you just did that.

- Oh.
Yeah, it was pretty stupid.

- Yeah, very stupid.
[chuckles]

But it took guts.

- Well, I mean,

it's not like my social life
could get any worse.

- [chuckles]
Well...

you want to know a secret?

- What?

- You're not the only person
at this school who hasn't--

you know.

- Wait.
[chuckles]

Wait, you're a virgin too?

- Mm-hmm.

- You know, I don't think
I believe you.

- What?
- I think you gotta

get up and tell
the whole school.

- Yeah, no thanks.
I'm not an idiot.

- Oh, you sure?
Why not?

It's a great feeling.
I can't recommend it enough.

- [laughs]

Do you want to get out of here?

Maybe hang at my house?

My dad and his girlfriend
are out for the night.

- Sure.

[All-4-One's "I Swear"]

- * And I swear *
- * I swear *

- * By the moon and the stars
in the sky *

* I'll be there *
- * I'll be there *

- * I swear *
- * And I swear *

- I think those two might
just make it.

- Yeah, I think so too.

- Well, now what?
- One of the goth kids

in the parking lot
gave me a pill.

I got no idea what it is.
You want to split it?

- * For better or worse *

* Till death do us part *

- * Uh, yeah,
talk to me, yeah *

* What a man, what a man,
what a man *

* What a mighty good man *

* He's a mighty,
mighty good man *

* What a man, what a man,
what a man *

* What a mighty good man *
- * All right *

- [giggles]
What are you doing back there?

- Trying to unhook your bra.

- Well, if there was any doubt
about your being a virgin...

- Ah! Ah, shit, all right.

I think I tore it, and I might
have fucking cut myself.

- Here, why don't I get it?

Um, do you have a condom?

- Yeah.
Yeah, a grown-up

at the pharmacy
helped me pick one out.

- What?

- Nothing.
Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I got one.

- Good, 'cause I think
we should have sex.

- Really?

Holy shit, Blaire was right.

- Huh?
- Nothing.

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready.

- * 'Cause his mama
taught him that *

- * I got a good man *

- * What a man,
what a man, what a man *

* What a mighty good man *

* A mighty, mighty good man *

* What a man,
what a man, what a man *

* What a mighty good man *

- * Yes, he is *
- * What a man, what a man *

[breaking news jingle plays]

- Oh, my God!
- What? What?

What's wrong?
- Look!

- Police are in pursuit
of a white Bronco

presumed to be the vehicle
of OJ Simpson.

Now, as you can see there,
it's traveling very slowly--

- Holy shit!

- Yeah.
Yeah, that's really something.

- Fuck! Does this mean
he actually did do it?

- Speaking of doing it--

- Where do you think
he's going?

And why are they driving
so slow?

- I'm sure the LAPD has
its best men on it.

- I mean, he must have
done it, right?

Why else is he running?

- Times like these,
all we can really do

is hold each other close.
- Fuck!

I mean, he was Nordberg
in "The Naked Gun,"

and now he might be a murderer?

- I think Nicole Brown Simpson
and Ron Goldman would

really want us to make
the most of this night.

- And now we're hearing
reports that he has a gun.

- Oh, my God.

I don't think this is gonna
have a happy ending.

- No fucking shit.

- To repeat, he is believed--

[jazzy music]

- It's just like what happened
with my parents and Nixon.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm my mother.

- Well, your mother
actually had sex,

so that comparison
doesn't really work.

But at least
you got a girlfriend now.

- Eh, sort of.

- Whoa, what do you mean,
"sort of"?

- Bethany's spending
the summer in Italy.

She's leaving tomorrow.

- Oh, I wouldn't worry
about that.

That vagina's gonna be
right where you left it.

- You think so?
- Oh, yeah,

Italian guys are famous
for their sexual restraint

and respect for women.

- Oh, you were saying--
- I was saying the opposite.

- You were doing a bit.
You were doing, like,

a bit, like an opposite thing.
- I was saying the thing

they don't do.
- You motherfucker.

- Yeah.

- Man, junior year
was weird, huh?

- Yeah, it sucked,
no doubt about it.

- Yeah.

But you know what?

Would've sucked way worse
without you, buddy.

- Thanks, man.

That touches me deeply...

which is what's gonna happen
to Bethany in Italy.

Sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, you motherfucker.

- That was the last one.
- Like, seriously though?

- I know you're hurting.
That was the last one.

Last one.

- I wonder what senior year's
gonna be like.

- I don't know.

But you know what?
I say we make it great.

Really turn our lives around,
you know?

- Yeah.
Yeah, like actually do all

the summer reading and shit,
like, show up prepared.

- Yeah, maybe even get a jump
on our college applications.

- Yeah. That sounds great.

First thing tomorrow.

Looks like it might rain.

[thunder crashes]
Jesus fucking Christ!

- Fucking shit!
Why does it have to do that?

- Oh, my God,
it's so fucking scary.

- I hate the thunder!
- Fuck you, thunder!

- Yeah, you can suck my dick!

- Oh, my God, Teddy.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

- Get the guitar.

* *

[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]

- * Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful *

* And yet, alas,
that someone adores you *

* *

* Everybody needs
a best friend *

* I'm happy I'm yours *

* I'm just a clown *

* And I'll bring you down *

* But you just don't care
'cause your *

* Best friend is me *

* *