All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt-PT Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian Download
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:04,184 [upbeat music] 2 00:00:04,221 --> 00:00:07,271 Pros and cons of living in St. Louis vs L.A... 3 00:00:07,311 --> 00:00:09,441 St. Louis pros--less traffic. 4 00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:12,357 Less people who are k-uh. 5 00:00:12,403 --> 00:00:14,753 - Less anxiety. - Throw Chris on there. 6 00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:16,097 Cons, um... 7 00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:17,886 I feel removed from show business. 8 00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:19,670 I miss a lot of my friends. 9 00:00:19,715 --> 00:00:22,275 I can't get onstage every single night. 10 00:00:22,326 --> 00:00:24,066 I don't even think about L.A. right now. 11 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:26,071 - Think about it right now. - Okay. 12 00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:28,123 - What are you thinking? - Like, dirty streets. 13 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:29,638 Okay. Con. 14 00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:32,551 [both laughing] 15 00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:35,507 ♪ I wanna miss my flight 16 00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:37,517 ♪ I feel so all alone 17 00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:40,609 ♪ Out on the road 18 00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:43,909 ♪ Can you welcome me home? 19 00:00:43,956 --> 00:00:47,526 [rock music] 20 00:00:47,569 --> 00:00:49,529 [car horn honks] - Oh,----. 21 00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:50,831 Ooh. 22 00:00:50,876 --> 00:00:52,396 I don't know why I'm trying to, like, drive 23 00:00:52,443 --> 00:00:56,273 like someone's tailing me and I have to, like, lose them. 24 00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:59,277 So I finally went to therapy with Chris, 25 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,710 which is, like,------. - Good. 26 00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:04,587 I was so excited and nearly cried at his willingness. 27 00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:06,239 Marriage-- 28 00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:10,373 like, those are things that I've been definitely reluctant. 29 00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:13,508 But I'm not closed off to it like I was. 30 00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:16,551 Like, where are you feeling right now you guys stand... 31 00:01:16,598 --> 00:01:18,768 - Well, it was so good. - Literally today? 32 00:01:18,817 --> 00:01:22,387 He's, like, emotionally open and going to places 33 00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:25,740 that he never could even go alone with me before. 34 00:01:25,781 --> 00:01:27,221 But I want commitment, 35 00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:29,441 and I want to know where we're going, 36 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,920 where we're headed, what the goal is. 37 00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:34,571 I hate this limbo. - Yeah. 38 00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:36,266 Do you think that you can imagine 39 00:01:36,313 --> 00:01:37,623 yourself staying here without Chris? 40 00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:40,452 If Chris and I don't work out 41 00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:43,451 for some------- reason, I'll probably want to leave, 42 00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:46,764 because this town reminds me of him so much. 43 00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:50,242 As much as I want to just take control right now and be like, 44 00:01:50,284 --> 00:01:51,854 "Chris, be my boyfriend, come on," 45 00:01:51,894 --> 00:01:54,244 I want to be wanted and I really, 46 00:01:54,288 --> 00:01:56,638 really want him to define the relationship. 47 00:01:56,681 --> 00:02:00,291 Like, it's weird with you and Chris because it literally 48 00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:02,247 is putting on the line, like, whether you stay 49 00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:03,986 in St. Louis or you go somewhere else, 50 00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:05,556 whether it works out here. 51 00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:07,563 So it's like, I kind of want it to work out with you guys. 52 00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:09,385 I want so badly to be able to say, like, 53 00:02:09,433 --> 00:02:10,833 "Let's just------- do it and get married. 54 00:02:10,869 --> 00:02:13,439 "We've been doing this off and on for eight years. 55 00:02:13,481 --> 00:02:14,961 Like, what are we doing?" - Seriously. 56 00:02:15,004 --> 00:02:18,624 If he can't do that, I'm not gonna stay in St. Louis. 57 00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:22,360 I don't want to have to see his charming, gorgeous face 58 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:25,453 pop up on my Bumble as, like, a top pick for me. 59 00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:26,763 And I'm like, "You're right, Bumble. 60 00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:29,448 He was, but he didn't want what I wanted." 61 00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:31,147 You know we're building, like, a sex dungeon 62 00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,284 in his basement, perhaps? 63 00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:35,457 - [laughing] A dungeon. - Yeah. 64 00:02:35,503 --> 00:02:37,113 I know, people are being like, 65 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,807 "Should we have kids and buy a house?" 66 00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:42,554 And I'm like, "Should I buy this chain restraint 67 00:02:42,597 --> 00:02:45,597 that costs $1,000 if he's not gonna commit first?" 68 00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:47,213 Like, it's so stupid. - Oh, my God. 69 00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:50,692 What up, dogs? How you doing? 70 00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:53,215 - What's up? - What's that? 71 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,350 - This is a gift. - Babe, what? 72 00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:56,742 - This is your own label maker. - Aw. 73 00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,475 You said you wanted to borrow mine, 74 00:02:58,526 --> 00:02:59,876 and even though I love a world 75 00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:02,008 where you always need my label maker, 76 00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:03,491 I just thought you'd like this. - Oh, my God. 77 00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:05,051 Will you set it up for me? - Of course. 78 00:03:05,097 --> 00:03:07,007 Andrew, do you have anything you want to label? 79 00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:10,226 Everything. - Man, I love labeling things! 80 00:03:10,277 --> 00:03:12,757 Everything but relationship status. 81 00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,281 Hey-oh. 82 00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:18,334 [upbeat music] 83 00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:20,422 ♪ Going to L.A. 84 00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:22,511 ♪ Not gonna wear 85 00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:25,900 ♪ 80% of the clothes I bring 86 00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:28,336 Wednesday. 87 00:03:28,382 --> 00:03:30,252 You didn't bring a toothbrush last trip. 88 00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:31,907 Yeah, I did. 89 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,910 You're gonna get Alzheimer's from not brushing your teeth. 90 00:03:33,952 --> 00:03:36,132 - What? - Disease starts in the gums. 91 00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:38,702 - Aziz Ansari? 92 00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:42,700 - Disease Ansari! - Disease starts in the gums. 93 00:03:42,744 --> 00:03:46,444 If you don't brush your teeth and you use floss, 94 00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:48,227 you're gonna die sooner! 95 00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:51,061 [both laughing] 96 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:55,020 Keep. 97 00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:56,240 Wash. 98 00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:58,409 How many leopard things do you have? 99 00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:00,365 This is my suitcase from last week, 100 00:04:00,414 --> 00:04:01,854 and I'm just going through 101 00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:05,033 and seeing if these things will hold up in L.A. 102 00:04:05,070 --> 00:04:08,900 I'm headed to L.A. to do some work, as I do frequently. 103 00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:11,564 What are you doing in L.A., other than our show? 104 00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:13,559 Deciding if I'm gonna move there or not? 105 00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:15,041 You know, the whole time, 106 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:17,130 I'm gonna be having that in the back of my mind. 107 00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,429 As much as I love St. Louis, 108 00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:20,695 as someone who kind of wants to slow down, 109 00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:24,258 there are things I really miss about L.A., and I'm torn. 110 00:04:24,307 --> 00:04:26,657 [sniffs] Keep. 111 00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:28,141 [sniffs] 112 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:29,970 How do you check if underwear is clean or not for you? 113 00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:32,748 Do you smell yours? - Oh, my God. 114 00:04:32,794 --> 00:04:34,324 [whines] 115 00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:37,451 Luigi, I wish you could come. I want you to go with me. 116 00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:40,284 Being in L.A. is beneficial to me for my career, 117 00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:42,333 because you're not a flight away. 118 00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:43,889 You're within driving distance. 119 00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:45,755 And although those take the same amount of time 120 00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,767 to get there because of traffic, 121 00:04:47,809 --> 00:04:50,029 when you're in L.A., people think of you more 122 00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,332 for different jobs. 123 00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:53,028 Oh, Lu. 124 00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:56,465 Why do you look at me with such curiosity and disdain 125 00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:58,653 at the same time? 126 00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:02,353 Do we need to go to therapy? [smooching] 127 00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:05,779 128 00:05:05,827 --> 00:05:06,997 [dog barks] 129 00:05:07,045 --> 00:05:08,955 Oh, Marion's eye gunk--ew. 130 00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:11,184 Why do you have it on your wrist? 131 00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,403 It just got on my finger. 132 00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:14,793 We need to clean her eyes every day. 133 00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:16,926 - It's contagious. - Oh, come here, Marion. 134 00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:18,188 Let's get your eye gunk. 135 00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:19,540 She says, "I don't want to touch that." 136 00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:22,540 Dirty girl, girl, come here. There you go. 137 00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:25,063 Oh, that's so gunky. 138 00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:26,497 I remember one time 139 00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:28,893 I was over at a famous friend's house, 140 00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:31,327 and Emma Stone came by, and I didn't know Emma Stone, 141 00:05:31,374 --> 00:05:32,384 and she walks in the door. 142 00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:33,459 I'm like, "Oh, my God, it's Emma." 143 00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:34,727 And Marion is on my lap. 144 00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:35,989 And Emma doesn't even see me. 145 00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:37,601 She just looks at the dog and goes, 146 00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:40,081 "Oh, my God, is she 100?" 147 00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:41,652 And I was like, "She's two." 148 00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:43,649 And she was like, "That's insane." 149 00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,481 That's what I love about Marion-- 150 00:05:45,519 --> 00:05:48,999 is that she is so ugly that she's cute. 151 00:05:49,044 --> 00:05:52,184 152 00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:54,441 She looks like a starving polar bear. 153 00:05:54,484 --> 00:05:56,144 So what do you got planned in L.A.? 154 00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:57,841 I'm gonna do a couple spots around town, 155 00:05:57,879 --> 00:06:00,799 maybe Comedy Store, Laugh Factory, 156 00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:03,188 dinner with Spade, Kelly Clarkson. 157 00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:04,972 Kelly? 158 00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:08,186 - Machine Gun Kelly. - Machine Gun Kelly Clarkson. 159 00:06:08,237 --> 00:06:09,797 [laughter] 160 00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:11,677 There's more action on both coasts 161 00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:12,979 than there is in St. Louis. 162 00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,644 But she's in the middle of the country. 163 00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:16,638 But right now she might miss some of the other, 164 00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,680 more exciting parts of her career. 165 00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:19,766 I think she's torn. 166 00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:20,954 Hanging out with Lizzie, 167 00:06:20,989 --> 00:06:22,469 hopefully hanging out with Carlisle. 168 00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:26,212 I sure would miss Nikki if she decided to move to L.A. 169 00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:28,475 I would, too. 170 00:06:28,518 --> 00:06:30,088 Well, it sounds like a whirlwind time. 171 00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:33,218 I mean, it's going to be exhaustive, but it'll be fun. 172 00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:36,482 When she's home, she's like, "Oh, I need to get out to L.A." 173 00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,616 And when she's in L.A., 174 00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:41,749 she probably feels like she's missing something, 175 00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:43,662 like us. [both laughing] 176 00:06:43,707 --> 00:06:45,187 Just kiddi--just kidding. 177 00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:47,760 So how long will you be gone? Just for-- 178 00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:49,578 Um... 179 00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:51,976 I think I come back on Sunday. - Okay. 180 00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:53,940 Get some nice meals for yourselves. 181 00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:56,498 Take yourselves out. - We're gonna--livin' large. 182 00:06:56,546 --> 00:06:58,156 Go get a massage. Go treat yourselves. 183 00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,460 I'll pay for it. 184 00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:02,636 I might if I found a good deal. 185 00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,733 No, it doesn't need to be a good deal. 186 00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:06,472 - If I find a Groupon for it. - No. 187 00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:08,653 You've never once bought yourself a massage. 188 00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:11,869 You only get them as presents. - That's not true at all. 189 00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:13,559 Have I? - No. Never. 190 00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:15,437 - Sure you have. - Yeah, I have. 191 00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:16,868 When? 192 00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:20,314 It was about two years ago, and it was... 193 00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:22,752 - A deal. - A deal. 194 00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:25,100 Find me a massage parlor, okay? 195 00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:28,450 - Pfft, God. - You're not getting anything. 196 00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:31,451 You're getting zero Gs. [laughter] 197 00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:39,203 [upbeat music] 198 00:07:39,241 --> 00:07:41,161 Yes. Cali, baby. 199 00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:45,639 200 00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,472 You ready to do this? - Yeah. 201 00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:48,860 Welcome to L.A. 202 00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:51,433 One thing I love about being in L.A. 203 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,521 is that I'm constantly in motion. 204 00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:55,781 I'm doing the Kelly Clarkson Show. 205 00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:57,003 I'm doing an appearance 206 00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:59,391 on my friend Ben Gleib's live fundraiser. 207 00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:02,865 Yeah, someone said, from behind, I look like a model, 208 00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:04,957 and then I turn around, they go, "Oh, no, she's a comedian." 209 00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:07,486 And so that hurt my feelings a lot. 210 00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:10,490 And I'm trying to get a show off the ground. 211 00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,843 My friend, Bill Lawrence-- he created "Spin City," 212 00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:15,893 "Scrubs," "Ted Lasso." 213 00:08:15,930 --> 00:08:17,760 I get to work with almost whoever I want to, right? 214 00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,851 And yet, still, even for me, 215 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:21,720 there's certain people that are elusive. 216 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,112 George Clooney-- 217 00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:24,944 I've always wanted to actually work with him. 218 00:08:24,982 --> 00:08:27,382 Also can't seem to make working with Nikki Glaser happen. 219 00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:28,549 So it's like-- - [laughs] 220 00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,505 I have something in common with Clooney? 221 00:08:30,553 --> 00:08:31,903 Do you think, though, that the project 222 00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:33,686 that we're kind of talking about-- 223 00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:35,560 Do I think it'll happen if you live in St. Louis? 224 00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:37,212 - Yeah. - I always tell people, 225 00:08:37,255 --> 00:08:39,205 if you're thinking about diving into something, 226 00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:41,647 diving into a show, diving into a movie, okay? 227 00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:43,305 Your career is at a place, 228 00:08:43,348 --> 00:08:45,258 as long as you don't get caught in the permanence of it, 229 00:08:45,307 --> 00:08:46,867 right now you can live in St. Louis. 230 00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:48,697 - Yeah. - Everybody out here 231 00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:51,005 puts this feeling of permanence on it. 232 00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,532 It's like, "I don't know--what if my whole life's ruined?" 233 00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:54,705 I'm like, "Well, then you sell your place and move back. 234 00:08:54,751 --> 00:08:55,971 Yeah, what are you doing?" 235 00:08:56,013 --> 00:08:57,713 The project I'm working on with Bill 236 00:08:57,754 --> 00:08:59,234 is one that my friend Jamie Lee, 237 00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:01,367 who is a writer on "Ted Lasso," came up with. 238 00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:03,110 And I can't go into details, 239 00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:06,241 but it involves her and I as the stars of this show. 240 00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:09,034 I'm not gonna not do this show with you 241 00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:11,030 'cause you live in St. Louis, 'cause I know you'll move back 242 00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:12,512 when you have to. - Yes. 243 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,682 I've never done scripted entertainment before, 244 00:09:14,728 --> 00:09:17,078 but because Bill Lawrence believes in me, 245 00:09:17,121 --> 00:09:19,381 I'm just like, "I must be good enough," 246 00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:21,688 because he knows better than I do--I know that. 247 00:09:21,735 --> 00:09:23,255 As long as you accept 248 00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:27,311 that in the inevitable peaks and valleys of your career, 249 00:09:27,349 --> 00:09:29,389 in the peaks, you can be wherever you want, 250 00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,608 and in the valleys, you have to be here 251 00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:32,918 and do whatever you want. - Okay. 252 00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:34,273 - Does that make sense? - Yeah. 253 00:09:34,312 --> 00:09:36,452 It means a lot to me, and I really-- 254 00:09:36,488 --> 00:09:37,838 I cherish our friendship. 255 00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:39,621 And even though I really appreciate having you 256 00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,146 in my life, I'm not going to St. Louis. 257 00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:43,579 I'm not going to St. Louis, no matter what. 258 00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:45,016 Thank you, Bill. 259 00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:47,464 I want it all. 260 00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:48,719 Career, dogs. 261 00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:50,372 - Birds. - Birds. 262 00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:52,025 Kids. Husband. 263 00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:53,639 Friends. 264 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,860 [both laugh] 265 00:09:55,899 --> 00:10:00,209 266 00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:02,911 - Hey. - Oh, my God. 267 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:04,390 Come on in, Heather. - Look at you. 268 00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:06,779 You go in there--I want to be closer to the edamame. 269 00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:09,573 Tony, can I order? - Yeah, of course. 270 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,519 I'll do the crispy ones, yeah. 271 00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,997 - Actually, do two of those. - I'm gonna do shishitos. 272 00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:15,878 - Shishitos. - The seaweed salad. 273 00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,619 You got the salad section. 274 00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:18,840 Let's have some fun. 275 00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:20,659 - Thank you. - Got it. You're welcome. 276 00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:23,267 America's favorite Midwest comic. 277 00:10:23,318 --> 00:10:26,018 It's a niche, but... - [laughs] 278 00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,980 We want you here. We want you here. 279 00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:30,108 I used to only hang out with comedians 280 00:10:30,151 --> 00:10:32,981 every single night of my life for the past 17 years. 281 00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:34,903 So, until I moved back to St. Louis, 282 00:10:34,938 --> 00:10:36,638 that was all I knew. 283 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:41,339 Yeah, you should be out here, mostly to hang out, but also... 284 00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:44,599 Actually, no other reason. [laughter] 285 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,524 But as much as I love seeing my friends and, like, 286 00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:48,388 getting a lot of work done and feeling productive, 287 00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:51,000 there's a part of me that's missing being at home 288 00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:53,831 in a way that I haven't felt before. 289 00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:57,830 Okay, I feel like most people in sha-biz 290 00:10:57,874 --> 00:10:59,834 are, like, kind of unhappy. 291 00:10:59,876 --> 00:11:01,836 But I'm serious when I say that you're one 292 00:11:01,878 --> 00:11:03,268 of the most even-keeled people I know. 293 00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:06,934 Do you think that's because you are single? 294 00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:10,370 Well, it's always "grass is greener" syndrome. 295 00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:11,798 Yeah. 296 00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:13,455 Some people are bluffing it when they're happy, 297 00:11:13,498 --> 00:11:15,538 and it's all for those photos and you just watch them fight, 298 00:11:15,587 --> 00:11:17,717 and you go, "Goddamn, they hate each other." 299 00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:20,854 But I think being single is hard to switch and be married. 300 00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,417 And I think being married, 301 00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,604 the idea of being single is very tough. 302 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:25,860 You're right. 303 00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,032 Because they go, "What am I gonna do-- 304 00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:28,777 go to clubs every night?" 305 00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:30,778 I'm starting to think the grass is browner. 306 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:33,390 - [laughing] - That's hilarious. 307 00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:35,221 I run into, where guys are like, 308 00:11:35,259 --> 00:11:36,699 "It's whatever you want it to be." 309 00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:38,919 And I'm like, "No, no, no. I want you to want me." 310 00:11:38,959 --> 00:11:40,829 'Cause with my ex-boyfriend, he's like, 311 00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:42,224 "All right, cool, whatever you want." 312 00:11:42,266 --> 00:11:44,006 And I'm like, "I want you to be the one to be like, 313 00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:45,401 'Be my girlfriend.'" 314 00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:47,493 It scares me that Chris is never definitive 315 00:11:47,532 --> 00:11:48,802 about what he wants. 316 00:11:48,838 --> 00:11:51,668 When we were together in L.A., he still kept 317 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,841 his apartment just in case things didn't work out. 318 00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,847 And then we broke up. 319 00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:57,589 You don't want to be a shoulder shrugger. 320 00:11:57,629 --> 00:12:00,019 I don't want a guy that's just like, "I mean, yeah." 321 00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,627 Shortly after that breakup, 322 00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,067 I had to leave town 323 00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:04,993 because I just needed, like, start anew. 324 00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:08,508 So there is something about commitment that makes 325 00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:10,163 the other person, 326 00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:13,777 whether it's your leasing company or your girlfriend, 327 00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,820 feel safe. 328 00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:17,995 How do you feel about feelings, being asked by your feelings? 329 00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,831 I don't even like the question. 330 00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,389 [laughing] 331 00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:28,489 [upbeat music] 332 00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,050 This is what I used to do as a kid. 333 00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:33,007 I even knew as a kid that I needed to keep my face young. 334 00:12:33,056 --> 00:12:34,576 You know how I would lay out, honestly? 335 00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:36,673 If I was, like, in Miami or something 336 00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:38,152 and I had to take my shirt off, 337 00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:42,072 I would lay on my stomach for, like, 95% of the time. 338 00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,549 Wait, do you still leave on your shirt with Brenna? 339 00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:47,979 I don't know. Lately, I haven't been thrilled with my body. 340 00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:50,598 I'm like, "Let's do candlelight for the shower." 341 00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:52,339 And you only want to have sex in the shower 342 00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:53,950 'cause it's dimmer light in there? 343 00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,340 I don't know. 344 00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:57,083 Who likes to have sex in the bright daylight? 345 00:12:57,124 --> 00:12:59,134 Yeah, the other night Chris filmed us 346 00:12:59,169 --> 00:13:00,689 doing some stuff, and I was like, 347 00:13:00,736 --> 00:13:04,346 "I don't want to see that side of myself." 348 00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:07,792 And then I saw it, and I was like, "That's me? 349 00:13:07,830 --> 00:13:09,350 That's my best side." 350 00:13:09,397 --> 00:13:11,567 I was like, "Now when people are like, 351 00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:13,176 'Which side do you want to stand on?' 352 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,187 I'll just bend over and spread my cheeks." 353 00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,139 - [chuckles] - I'm gonna call Chris. 354 00:13:17,187 --> 00:13:18,487 Please don't mention it. 355 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,356 I don't want him knowing that I told you that. 356 00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:22,628 I was gonna talk about it. [laughs] 357 00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:23,721 [line trilling] 358 00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:25,199 Hi. 359 00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:26,199 [laughing] What are you doing? 360 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,810 I'm laying out. It's Cali, baby. 361 00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:30,641 Yeah, you are. Oh man. 362 00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:32,899 It's like a 1950s swimsuit. 363 00:13:32,942 --> 00:13:36,472 Like, I'm, like, Marilyn Monroe style. 364 00:13:36,511 --> 00:13:38,381 Yeah, you look like a pinup girl. 365 00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:40,856 - Yes, that's right. Thank you. - And I like it. 366 00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:44,207 It just went from, like, 70 degrees to, like, 55. 367 00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:47,218 - Oh. Andrew's here. - How are you? 368 00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:50,261 - I'm just yo-yo'ing. - Yeah, you are. 369 00:13:50,307 --> 00:13:53,087 - I'm bringing it back. - Do you yo-yo? 370 00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:55,836 - Do I yo-yo? - Have you yo-yo'd? 371 00:13:55,878 --> 00:13:58,048 I want nothing to do with this yo-yo joke. 372 00:13:58,098 --> 00:13:59,928 - [laughs] - I wish you were here. 373 00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:01,409 You're so handsome. 374 00:14:01,449 --> 00:14:03,149 You are. I mean, you know what I mean. 375 00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:05,060 No, a woman can be handsome. 376 00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:06,235 Okay, then you're handso-- 377 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,890 Well, no, you're better than that. 378 00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,114 Okay, thank you. 379 00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:10,722 I do love Nikki. 380 00:14:10,762 --> 00:14:12,812 And, like, when things are good, it's amazing. 381 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,202 It's the best. It's so much fun. 382 00:14:14,244 --> 00:14:15,774 I'm gonna screenshot your face 383 00:14:15,811 --> 00:14:17,071 'cause you're such a cutie. 384 00:14:17,117 --> 00:14:19,247 Yes! Mwah. - Don't do it. 385 00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:21,253 I'm gonna drown in the pool right now. 386 00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:23,115 But, like, we've broken up 387 00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:25,816 and gotten back together 100 times, 388 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,385 and 99 of those times she would have been, like, 389 00:14:28,432 --> 00:14:30,042 "I was ready to get married 390 00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:31,566 and spend the rest of my life with you." 391 00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:33,349 I can't wait to kiss your face. 392 00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:34,964 Aw. Look at you. 393 00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,924 You can try now--I'll get really close to the camera. 394 00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,573 Mmm-wah! 395 00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:40,916 We've thought we were ready for more before, 396 00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:42,227 and we were wrong. 397 00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:43,972 Are we were wrong this time? 398 00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:45,583 [goofy voice] I don't know. 399 00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:47,153 [normal voice] All right, I miss you. 400 00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:48,840 - I miss you, too. - You guys have fun-fun. 401 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,668 - All right. [laughs] - Yo-yo! 402 00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:52,625 I got to run. Here comes the po-po. 403 00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,204 [laughs]. 404 00:14:54,241 --> 00:14:59,681 405 00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:01,864 So this is Laurel Canyon, Andrew. 406 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,211 Oh, nice. 407 00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:05,080 This is where, like, you know, Joni Mitchell 408 00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:06,561 wrote something once. 409 00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,861 [laughter] 410 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:12,478 All right, let's get that enthusiastic L.A. energy up. 411 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,830 Give it up for Nikki Glaser, everybody! 412 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,000 [cheers and applause] 413 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,955 Hi, guys, how are you? 414 00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:19,484 When I used to live in L.A. 415 00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:21,827 and was doing multiple spots every single night, 416 00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:22,967 I loved it. 417 00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,139 It was the dream. 418 00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:26,014 My vagina collects toilet paper, 419 00:15:26,055 --> 00:15:28,445 like, more than the average. 420 00:15:28,492 --> 00:15:32,322 Just finely rolled joints, like, the most-- 421 00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:34,316 Like, I'm so impressed 422 00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:36,498 with how perfectly they're rolled. 423 00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:39,724 I'm like, "Is my pussy the Wu-Tang Clan?" 424 00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:42,034 When I first started comedy, I remember one night 425 00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:45,031 I was onstage, and they kept yelling to take my shirt off. 426 00:15:45,074 --> 00:15:46,474 Before I go on a date, I, like, scour it. 427 00:15:46,510 --> 00:15:48,380 Like, I'll go page by page, and I'll try to-- 428 00:15:48,425 --> 00:15:49,595 Sometimes I don't get through it all. 429 00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:51,694 And I ended up running offstage, 430 00:15:51,733 --> 00:15:56,003 and I hid in the storage closet and called my mom crying 431 00:15:56,042 --> 00:16:00,742 while sitting on a, you know, a gigantic can of tomato paste. 432 00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:04,179 Make some noise for Nikki Glaser! 433 00:16:04,224 --> 00:16:07,014 [cheers and applause] 434 00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:08,883 Nikki Glaser! 435 00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:10,974 So it feels really good 436 00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:14,893 to have a crowd, like, erupt in, like, applause. 437 00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,190 I have to go, you guys. 438 00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:18,366 Thank you very much. Thank you guys very much. 439 00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:19,852 I have to go. Thank you guys very much. 440 00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:22,721 That's my time. [cheers and applause] 441 00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:24,074 Thank you. 442 00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:26,683 But as good as I feel right now, 443 00:16:26,724 --> 00:16:29,084 it's never going to be as satisfying 444 00:16:29,118 --> 00:16:31,428 as being with people that, like, love you no matter what, 445 00:16:31,468 --> 00:16:33,078 which is what I have in St. Louis. 446 00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:34,912 I cannot go back to this life. 447 00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:38,560 But I need Chris to actually pursue our relationship 448 00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:41,906 and work towards marriage and kids and... 449 00:16:41,957 --> 00:16:43,517 weekly owl prowls. 450 00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:44,997 - Good show. - Yay, thank you. 451 00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:46,177 So good. 452 00:16:46,222 --> 00:16:48,362 But, like, also with, like, hot sex. 453 00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:51,488 Holy----, I am tired. 454 00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:58,968 [upbeat music] 455 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:02,978 456 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,462 Every time I get in a plaza, I want to do, 457 00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:08,552 like, Peter Venkman in "Ghostbusters." 458 00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:11,602 - I've never seen that movie. - Bad reference, then. 459 00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:14,029 Hi. 460 00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:15,596 When Nikki goes out of town, 461 00:17:15,643 --> 00:17:17,473 you get that little hint of like, 462 00:17:17,514 --> 00:17:20,344 "I miss--I'm missing Glaze." 463 00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:22,217 Wait, look at these I got us. 464 00:17:22,258 --> 00:17:23,828 These are masks so we can see each other. 465 00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:25,518 This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen. 466 00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:26,916 We're like doctors... 467 00:17:26,958 --> 00:17:29,308 - We're not like doctors. - Or, like, sociopaths. 468 00:17:29,352 --> 00:17:32,662 And her coming back is like a-- 469 00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:33,793 [insect buzzing] 470 00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:35,835 [buzzing stops] 471 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,060 Um... 472 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:38,099 it's a bit of a celebration. 473 00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:39,974 I love this place more than I love 474 00:17:40,015 --> 00:17:41,495 basically everything. 475 00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:44,888 - Give me an Arch fact. - It is 630 feet high. 476 00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:47,113 Do you know how wide it is? 477 00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:50,333 Um, 36, 25, 34. 478 00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:52,203 That's the Nelly song. 479 00:17:52,245 --> 00:17:54,155 Didn't he give the Arch measurements? 480 00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:56,953 - No, it's not that. - Oh. 481 00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:58,118 I love these pods. 482 00:17:58,164 --> 00:17:59,994 The things we would do in here. 483 00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:03,035 Don't ever forget what we did on Magic Mount-- 484 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,652 Was it Magic Mountain? 485 00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:09,093 both: Splash Mountain. - [laughs] 486 00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:10,961 You want to lay up there? - Yes. 487 00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,233 [both laughing] 488 00:18:19,228 --> 00:18:22,318 [both laughing] 489 00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,801 - This is so cool. - Just feel it. 490 00:18:27,845 --> 00:18:29,925 - Can you feel the heartbeat? - You're hot. 491 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:31,368 You really are. 492 00:18:31,414 --> 00:18:34,374 But you are peaking. - [laughs] 493 00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:36,417 I feel like we're peaking. 494 00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:39,513 It feels really good. I liked that therapy. 495 00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:42,163 I got to say, like, it was nice, and I want to go back. 496 00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:43,248 - Yeah. - Would you go back? 497 00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:44,426 Yeah. No, I thought it was great. 498 00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:46,471 I couldn't be happier. 499 00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:51,216 It just feels like we're heading towards being together. 500 00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:53,780 And when-- - Forever. 501 00:18:55,308 --> 00:18:57,348 Yeah, I mean, I'm a 40-year-old man. 502 00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:58,917 I don't want to waste your time. 503 00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:01,183 And so, yeah, I mean, we're having so much fun. 504 00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:04,097 You're a big reason of why I would want to live here 505 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,193 or stay here. 506 00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:06,451 You want to stay here? 507 00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:08,973 If we ended up together, of course. 508 00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,497 I could stay here. 509 00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:13,240 It would just be awesome. 510 00:19:13,282 --> 00:19:16,072 What are you doing? - Nothing. 511 00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:18,071 Oh, God. 512 00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:19,333 Well... 513 00:19:19,984 --> 00:19:22,814 [both laughing] 514 00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:25,947 I know it's not the best time for this, but... 515 00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:29,521 [laughs] 516 00:19:29,559 --> 00:19:32,129 517 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,221 Oh, my God. Yes. 518 00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,260 Oh, my God. 519 00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:37,264 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 520 00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:38,346 Yes. 521 00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,744 ---, yes. 522 00:19:40,788 --> 00:19:43,178 Will you be my emergency contact? 523 00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:45,785 524 00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:48,096 You got to start somewhere. 525 00:19:48,143 --> 00:19:51,363 Yes. I will. I will. 526 00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:56,062 I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. 527 00:19:56,107 --> 00:19:57,107 [laughs] 528 00:19:57,152 --> 00:19:58,282 I was just about to say, 529 00:19:58,327 --> 00:19:59,807 you're gonna get a lot of calls 530 00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:01,940 from the hair replacement clinic for men. 531 00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:05,293 [laughs] It's not that bad. 532 00:20:05,334 --> 00:20:06,944 Oh, God. - Ah! 533 00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:09,248 [both laughing] 534 00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:12,165 It might not look like it, but this moment is huge for us. 535 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:15,691 I think my first plan of action is to get that sex dungeon 536 00:20:15,736 --> 00:20:18,256 that Chris and I have talked so much about 537 00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:19,744 under construction. 538 00:20:19,783 --> 00:20:22,093 Let's go. - All right. 539 00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:25,493 Oh, Jesus Christ. 540 00:20:25,528 --> 00:20:29,318 You're a strong woman. - Mm. 541 00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:32,098 The future for us has never looked better. 542 00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,103 So I'm at least there for another six months. 543 00:20:34,145 --> 00:20:36,315 You, me and Nelly. 544 00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:37,845 And the Arch. 545 00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:39,278 And the Owl Man. 546 00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:42,455 And Kirsten sometimes. - Yes. 547 00:20:42,502 --> 00:20:44,942 Some people go, 548 00:20:44,982 --> 00:20:47,162 "Oh, you'll know when it's the right person 549 00:20:47,202 --> 00:20:48,552 'cause it's just easy." 550 00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:51,985 This is not easy, but I like things that are hard. 551 00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,343 Have you noticed? 552 00:20:53,382 --> 00:20:55,782 And he's hard. Are you right now? 553 00:20:55,819 --> 00:20:58,429 - Oh, Glaze, come on. - Sorry. 554 00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:00,084 What a gal. 555 00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:03,128 Let's go get a room. [both laughing] 38903

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.