All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[upbeat music]

Pros and cons of living
in St. Louis vs L.A...

St. Louis pros--less traffic.

Less people who are k-uh.

- Less anxiety.
- Throw Chris on there.

Cons, um...

I feel removed
from show business.

I miss a lot of my friends.

I can't get
onstage every single night.

I don't even
think about L.A. right now.

- Think about it right now.
- Okay.

- What are you thinking?
- Like, dirty streets.

Okay. Con.

[both laughing]

♪ I wanna miss my flight

♪ I feel so all alone

♪ Out on the road

♪ Can you welcome me home?

[rock music]

[car horn honks]
- Oh,----.

Ooh.

I don't know
why I'm trying to, like, drive

like someone's tailing me
and I have to, like, lose them.

So I finally went
to therapy with Chris,

which is, like,------.
- Good.

I was so excited and nearly
cried at his willingness.

Marriage--

like, those are things that
I've been definitely reluctant.

But I'm not closed off to it
like I was.

Like, where are you feeling
right now you guys stand...

- Well, it was so good.
- Literally today?

He's, like, emotionally
open and going to places

that he never could even go
alone with me before.

But I want commitment,

and I want to know
where we're going,

where we're headed,
what the goal is.

I hate this limbo.
- Yeah.

Do you think
that you can imagine

yourself staying here
without Chris?

If Chris and I
don't work out

for some------- reason,
I'll probably want to leave,

because this town
reminds me of him so much.

As much as I want to just take
control right now and be like,

"Chris, be my boyfriend,
come on,"

I want to be
wanted and I really,

really want him
to define the relationship.

Like, it's weird with you
and Chris because it literally

is putting on the line,
like, whether you stay

in St. Louis
or you go somewhere else,

whether it works out here.

So it's like, I kind of want
it to work out with you guys.

I want so badly
to be able to say, like,

"Let's just------- do it
and get married.

"We've been doing this off
and on for eight years.

Like, what are we doing?"
- Seriously.

If he can't do that, I'm
not gonna stay in St. Louis.

I don't want to have to see
his charming, gorgeous face

pop up on my Bumble
as, like, a top pick for me.

And I'm like,
"You're right, Bumble.

He was, but he didn't want
what I wanted."

You know we're building,
like, a sex dungeon

in his basement, perhaps?

- [laughing] A dungeon.
- Yeah.

I know, people are being like,

"Should we have kids
and buy a house?"

And I'm like, "Should I buy
this chain restraint

that costs $1,000 if
he's not gonna commit first?"

Like, it's so stupid.
- Oh, my God.

What up, dogs?
How you doing?

- What's up?
- What's that?

- This is a gift.
- Babe, what?

- This is your own label maker.
- Aw.

You said
you wanted to borrow mine,

and even though I love a world

where you always need
my label maker,

I just thought you'd like this.
- Oh, my God.

Will you set it up for me?
- Of course.

Andrew, do you have anything
you want to label?

Everything.
- Man, I love labeling things!

Everything
but relationship status.

Hey-oh.

[upbeat music]

♪ Going to L.A.

♪ Not gonna wear

♪ 80% of the clothes I bring

Wednesday.

You didn't bring
a toothbrush last trip.

Yeah, I did.

You're gonna get Alzheimer's
from not brushing your teeth.

- What?
- Disease starts in the gums.

- Aziz Ansari?

- Disease Ansari!
- Disease starts in the gums.

If you don't brush
your teeth and you use floss,

you're gonna die sooner!

[both laughing]

Keep.

Wash.

How many leopard things
do you have?

This is my suitcase
from last week,

and I'm just going through

and seeing if these things
will hold up in L.A.

I'm headed to L.A. to do
some work, as I do frequently.

What are you doing in L.A.,
other than our show?

Deciding if I'm gonna move
there or not?

You know, the whole time,

I'm gonna be having that
in the back of my mind.

As much as I love St. Louis,

as someone who kind of wants
to slow down,

there are things I really miss
about L.A., and I'm torn.

[sniffs] Keep.

[sniffs]

How do you check if underwear
is clean or not for you?

Do you smell yours?
- Oh, my God.

[whines]

Luigi, I wish you could come.
I want you to go with me.

Being in L.A. is beneficial
to me for my career,

because you're not
a flight away.

You're within
driving distance.

And although those take
the same amount of time

to get there
because of traffic,

when you're in L.A.,
people think of you more

for different jobs.

Oh, Lu.

Why do you look at me
with such curiosity and disdain

at the same time?

Do we need to go to therapy?
[smooching]

♪

[dog barks]

Oh, Marion's eye gunk--ew.

Why do you have it
on your wrist?

It just got on my finger.

We need to clean
her eyes every day.

- It's contagious.
- Oh, come here, Marion.

Let's get your eye gunk.

She says,
"I don't want to touch that."

Dirty girl, girl, come here.
There you go.

Oh, that's so gunky.

I remember one time

I was over at a famous
friend's house,

and Emma Stone came by,
and I didn't know Emma Stone,

and she walks in the door.

I'm like,
"Oh, my God, it's Emma."

And Marion is on my lap.

And Emma doesn't even see me.

She just looks
at the dog and goes,

"Oh, my God, is she 100?"

And I was like, "She's two."

And she was like,
"That's insane."

That's what I love
about Marion--

is that she is so ugly
that she's cute.

♪

She looks like
a starving polar bear.

So what do
you got planned in L.A.?

I'm gonna do a couple spots
around town,

maybe Comedy Store,
Laugh Factory,

dinner with Spade,
Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly?

- Machine Gun Kelly.
- Machine Gun Kelly Clarkson.

[laughter]

There's more action
on both coasts

than there is in St. Louis.

But she's
in the middle of the country.

But right now she might miss
some of the other,

more exciting parts
of her career.

I think she's torn.

Hanging out with Lizzie,

hopefully hanging out
with Carlisle.

I sure would miss Nikki
if she decided to move to L.A.

I would, too.

Well, it sounds
like a whirlwind time.

I mean, it's going to be
exhaustive, but it'll be fun.

When she's home, she's like,
"Oh, I need to get out to L.A."

And when she's in L.A.,

she probably feels
like she's missing something,

like us.
[both laughing]

Just kiddi--just kidding.

So how long will you be gone?
Just for--

Um...

I think I come back on Sunday.
- Okay.

Get some nice meals
for yourselves.

Take yourselves out.
- We're gonna--livin' large.

Go get a massage.
Go treat yourselves.

I'll pay for it.

I might
if I found a good deal.

No, it doesn't need to be
a good deal.

- If I find a Groupon for it.
- No.

You've never once
bought yourself a massage.

You only get them as presents.
- That's not true at all.

Have I?
- No. Never.

- Sure you have.
- Yeah, I have.

When?

It was about two years ago,
and it was...

- A deal.
- A deal.

Find me
a massage parlor, okay?

- Pfft, God.
- You're not getting anything.

You're getting zero Gs.
[laughter]

[upbeat music]

Yes. Cali, baby.

♪

You ready to do this?
- Yeah.

Welcome to L.A.

One thing I love
about being in L.A.

is that I'm constantly
in motion.

I'm doing
the Kelly Clarkson Show.

I'm doing an appearance

on my friend Ben Gleib's
live fundraiser.

Yeah, someone said, from
behind, I look like a model,

and then I turn around, they
go, "Oh, no, she's a comedian."

And so that hurt
my feelings a lot.

And I'm trying
to get a show off the ground.

My friend, Bill Lawrence--
he created "Spin City,"

"Scrubs," "Ted Lasso."

I get to work with almost
whoever I want to, right?

And yet, still, even for me,

there's certain people
that are elusive.

George Clooney--

I've always wanted to actually
work with him.

Also can't seem to make working
with Nikki Glaser happen.

So it's like--
- [laughs]

I have something
in common with Clooney?

Do you think,
though, that the project

that we're kind
of talking about--

Do I think it'll happen
if you live in St. Louis?

- Yeah.
- I always tell people,

if you're thinking about diving
into something,

diving into a show,
diving into a movie, okay?

Your career is at a place,

as long as you don't get caught
in the permanence of it,

right now you can live
in St. Louis.

- Yeah.
- Everybody out here

puts this feeling
of permanence on it.

It's like, "I don't know--what
if my whole life's ruined?"

I'm like, "Well, then you sell
your place and move back.

Yeah, what are you doing?"

The project
I'm working on with Bill

is one that my friend
Jamie Lee,

who is a writer on "Ted Lasso,"
came up with.

And I can't go into details,

but it involves her and I
as the stars of this show.

I'm not gonna not do
this show with you

'cause you live in St. Louis,
'cause I know you'll move back

when you have to.
- Yes.

I've never done
scripted entertainment before,

but because Bill Lawrence
believes in me,

I'm just like,
"I must be good enough,"

because he knows
better than I do--I know that.

As long as you accept

that in the inevitable peaks
and valleys of your career,

in the peaks, you can be
wherever you want,

and in the valleys, you have to
be here

and do whatever you want.
- Okay.

- Does that make sense?
- Yeah.

It means a lot to me,
and I really--

I cherish our friendship.

And even though I really
appreciate having you

in my life,
I'm not going to St. Louis.

I'm not going to St. Louis,
no matter what.

Thank you, Bill.

I want it all.

Career, dogs.

- Birds.
- Birds.

Kids. Husband.

Friends.

[both laugh]

♪

- Hey.
- Oh, my God.

Come on in, Heather.
- Look at you.

You go in there--I want
to be closer to the edamame.

Tony, can I order?
- Yeah, of course.

I'll do
the crispy ones, yeah.

- Actually, do two of those.
- I'm gonna do shishitos.

- Shishitos.
- The seaweed salad.

You got the salad section.

Let's have some fun.

- Thank you.
- Got it. You're welcome.

America's favorite
Midwest comic.

It's a niche, but...
- [laughs]

We want you here.
We want you here.

I used to only hang out
with comedians

every single night of my life
for the past 17 years.

So, until I moved back
to St. Louis,

that was all I knew.

Yeah, you should be out here,
mostly to hang out, but also...

Actually, no other reason.
[laughter]

But as much as I love seeing
my friends and, like,

getting a lot of work done
and feeling productive,

there's a part of me
that's missing being at home

in a way that I haven't
felt before.

Okay, I feel like most
people in sha-biz

are, like, kind of unhappy.

But I'm serious
when I say that you're one

of the most even-keeled people
I know.

Do you think
that's because you are single?

Well, it's always
"grass is greener" syndrome.

Yeah.

Some people are bluffing it
when they're happy,

and it's all for those photos
and you just watch them fight,

and you go, "Goddamn,
they hate each other."

But I think being single is
hard to switch and be married.

And I think being married,

the idea of being single
is very tough.

You're right.

Because they go,
"What am I gonna do--

go to clubs every night?"

I'm starting
to think the grass is browner.

- [laughing]
- That's hilarious.

I run into,
where guys are like,

"It's whatever
you want it to be."

And I'm like, "No, no, no.
I want you to want me."

'Cause with my ex-boyfriend,
he's like,

"All right, cool,
whatever you want."

And I'm like, "I want you
to be the one to be like,

'Be my girlfriend.'"

It scares me that Chris
is never definitive

about what he wants.

When we were together in L.A.,
he still kept

his apartment just in case
things didn't work out.

And then we broke up.

You don't want to be
a shoulder shrugger.

I don't want a guy that's
just like, "I mean, yeah."

Shortly after that breakup,

I had to leave town

because I just needed, like,
start anew.

So there is something
about commitment that makes

the other person,

whether it's your leasing
company or your girlfriend,

feel safe.

How do you feel about feelings,
being asked by your feelings?

I don't even
like the question.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

This is what I used to do
as a kid.

I even knew as a kid that
I needed to keep my face young.

You know
how I would lay out, honestly?

If I was, like,
in Miami or something

and I had to take my shirt off,

I would lay on my stomach
for, like, 95% of the time.

Wait, do you still leave
on your shirt with Brenna?

I don't know. Lately, I haven't
been thrilled with my body.

I'm like, "Let's do candlelight
for the shower."

And you only want
to have sex in the shower

'cause it's
dimmer light in there?

I don't know.

Who likes to have sex
in the bright daylight?

Yeah, the other night
Chris filmed us

doing some stuff,
and I was like,

"I don't want
to see that side of myself."

And then I saw it,
and I was like, "That's me?

That's my best side."

I was like,
"Now when people are like,

'Which side do you
want to stand on?'

I'll just bend over
and spread my cheeks."

- [chuckles]
- I'm gonna call Chris.

Please don't mention it.

I don't want him
knowing that I told you that.

I was gonna talk about it.
[laughs]

[line trilling]

Hi.

[laughing]
What are you doing?

I'm laying out.
It's Cali, baby.

Yeah, you are. Oh man.

It's like a 1950s swimsuit.

Like, I'm, like,
Marilyn Monroe style.

Yeah, you look
like a pinup girl.

- Yes, that's right. Thank you.
- And I like it.

It just went from,
like, 70 degrees to, like, 55.

- Oh. Andrew's here.
- How are you?

- I'm just yo-yo'ing.
- Yeah, you are.

- I'm bringing it back.
- Do you yo-yo?

- Do I yo-yo?
- Have you yo-yo'd?

I want nothing
to do with this yo-yo joke.

- [laughs]
- I wish you were here.

You're so handsome.

You are.
I mean, you know what I mean.

No, a woman can be handsome.

Okay,
then you're handso--

Well, no,
you're better than that.

Okay, thank you.

I do love Nikki.

And, like, when things
are good, it's amazing.

It's the best.
It's so much fun.

I'm gonna screenshot
your face

'cause you're such a cutie.

Yes! Mwah.
- Don't do it.

I'm gonna drown
in the pool right now.

But, like, we've broken up

and gotten back together
100 times,

and 99 of those times
she would have been, like,

"I was ready to get married

and spend the rest
of my life with you."

I can't wait
to kiss your face.

Aw.
Look at you.

You can try now--I'll get
really close to the camera.

Mmm-wah!

We've thought we were
ready for more before,

and we were wrong.

Are we were wrong this time?

[goofy voice]
I don't know.

[normal voice]
All right, I miss you.

- I miss you, too.
- You guys have fun-fun.

- All right. [laughs]
- Yo-yo!

I got to run.
Here comes the po-po.

[laughs].

♪

So this is Laurel Canyon, Andrew.

Oh, nice.

This is where, like,
you know, Joni Mitchell

wrote something once.

[laughter]

All right, let's get that
enthusiastic L.A. energy up.

Give it up for Nikki Glaser,
everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Hi, guys, how are you?

When I used to live in L.A.

and was doing multiple spots
every single night,

I loved it.

It was the dream.

My vagina
collects toilet paper,

like, more than the average.

Just finely rolled joints,
like, the most--

Like, I'm so impressed

with how perfectly
they're rolled.

I'm like, "Is my pussy
the Wu-Tang Clan?"

When I first started comedy,
I remember one night

I was onstage, and they kept
yelling to take my shirt off.

Before I go on a date,
I, like, scour it.

Like, I'll go page by page,
and I'll try to--

Sometimes I don't get
through it all.

And I ended up
running offstage,

and I hid in the storage closet
and called my mom crying

while sitting on a, you know,
a gigantic can of tomato paste.

Make some noise
for Nikki Glaser!

[cheers and applause]

Nikki Glaser!

So it feels really good

to have a crowd, like, erupt
in, like, applause.

I have to go, you guys.

Thank you very much.
Thank you guys very much.

I have to go.
Thank you guys very much.

That's my time.
[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

But as good
as I feel right now,

it's never going to be
as satisfying

as being with people that,
like, love you no matter what,

which is what I have
in St. Louis.

I cannot go back to this life.

But I need Chris to actually
pursue our relationship

and work towards marriage
and kids and...

weekly owl prowls.

- Good show.
- Yay, thank you.

So good.

But, like,
also with, like, hot sex.

Holy----, I am tired.

[upbeat music]

♪

Every time I get in a plaza,
I want to do,

like, Peter Venkman
in "Ghostbusters."

- I've never seen that movie.
- Bad reference, then.

Hi.

When Nikki goes out of town,

you get that little hint
of like,

"I miss--I'm missing Glaze."

Wait, look at these I got us.

These are masks
so we can see each other.

This is the dumbest thing
I've ever seen.

We're like doctors...

- We're not like doctors.
- Or, like, sociopaths.

And her coming back
is like a--

[insect buzzing]

[buzzing stops]

Um...

it's a bit of a celebration.

I love this place
more than I love

basically everything.

- Give me an Arch fact.
- It is 630 feet high.

Do you know how wide it is?

Um, 36, 25, 34.

That's the Nelly song.

Didn't he give
the Arch measurements?

- No, it's not that.
- Oh.

I love these pods.

The things we
would do in here.

Don't ever forget what we
did on Magic Mount--

Was it Magic Mountain?

both: Splash Mountain.
- [laughs]

You want to lay up there?
- Yes.

[both laughing]

[both laughing]

- This is so cool.
- Just feel it.

- Can you feel the heartbeat?
- You're hot.

You really are.

But you are peaking.
- [laughs]

I feel like we're peaking.

It feels really good.
I liked that therapy.

I got to say, like, it was
nice, and I want to go back.

- Yeah.
- Would you go back?

Yeah.
No, I thought it was great.

I couldn't be happier.

It just feels like we're
heading towards being together.

And when--
- Forever.

Yeah, I mean,
I'm a 40-year-old man.

I don't want to waste
your time.

And so, yeah, I mean,
we're having so much fun.

You're a big reason of why
I would want to live here

or stay here.

You want to stay here?

If we ended up together,
of course.

I could stay here.

It would just be awesome.

What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Oh, God.

Well...

[both laughing]

I know it's not
the best time for this, but...

[laughs]

♪

Oh, my God. Yes.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Yes.

---, yes.

Will you be
my emergency contact?

♪

You got to start somewhere.

Yes. I will.
I will.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.

[laughs]

I was just about to say,

you're gonna get a lot of calls

from the hair replacement
clinic for men.

[laughs]
It's not that bad.

Oh, God.
- Ah!

[both laughing]

It might not look like it,
but this moment is huge for us.

I think my first plan of action
is to get that sex dungeon

that Chris and I have talked
so much about

under construction.

Let's go.
- All right.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're a strong woman.
- Mm.

The future for us
has never looked better.

So I'm at least there
for another six months.

You, me and Nelly.

And the Arch.

And the Owl Man.

And Kirsten sometimes.
- Yes.

Some people go,

"Oh, you'll know
when it's the right person

'cause it's just easy."

This is not easy, but I like
things that are hard.

Have you noticed?

And he's hard.
Are you right now?

- Oh, Glaze, come on.
- Sorry.

What a gal.

Let's go get a room.
[both laughing]