All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E07.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[upbeat music]

Whose relationship
do you look at

and you go, "I want that"?

My brothers are both married.

I think my biggest influences
for my relationships

has been Meg Ryan
and Tom Hanks.

[laughs] Yeah, yeah.

I do think
that my parents' relationship,

there's things about it
that I love.

Um, I can't think of one
right now,

but there are--no.
- [laughs]

They really have fun together.

They are themselves
around each other.

My mom doesn't fart in front
of my dad,

and I would like to be able
to do that.

Although Chris doesn't care
for that.

But, um,
I'm letting a couple out.

[both laugh]

♪ I wanna miss my flight

♪ I feel so all alone
out on the road ♪

♪ Can you welcome me home?

[upbeat music]

♪

Come on, Lui, up.

Talk to Bobby.
[FaceTime ringing]

Hello.

Bob.

Hi, how are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm good, I'm good.

Can I show you one
real quick?

Something your mom gave me?

Yeah.
I would love to see it.

You know, and actually
I was just sitting with her

and she got excited,
then this was on the chair

when she got up.

- [laughs]
- It was like molten lava.

It's hard. Listen.

[clacking]
- You give that back.

[laughs]

Bob Saget has become one
of my closest friends in comedy

and that came outta nowhere.

I mean, I grew up knowing him
as Danny Tanner,

and I always kind
of looked at him

for, like, fatherly advice

through him talking
to Michelle or D.J.

or Stephanie,
but now he gives it to me.

I'm wondering about you.

What's your life
like right now?

I mean,
I'm working on my special.

I'm on the road every weekend.

I'm starting to write a book.

I'm just, like--
- Right.

Living from job to job
like we do, and, uh,

trying to find happiness
along the way.

Have you thought
of selling brushes?

Might be good to do
'cause you don't sound busy.

[laughs]

Bob is someone
that you can text and be like,

"Hey, can we talk
for a couple minutes?

I just need some advice
on this thing."

And then he'll keep you
on the phone for like an hour.

I just feel so understood
by him and accepted.

Now I'm one
of the Tanner children.

Bob, I haven't been
dating recently,

and, like, I'm thinking
about getting back together

with my ex-boyfriend,
but I'm also like,

should I go back out there,
should I try--like,

when you met Kelly,
had you given up?

Were you thinking, oh--

Yeah, I didn't think I was
gonna meet anybody ever again.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We met through
a mutual friend,

and then two weeks later,
we were in Vegas

on our first date, so...

I love that.

Do you--what's
the age difference there?

Can you reveal that to me?

84 years different.

[laughs]
You look good.

I'm the undead.
I'm a creature.

Did you love your ex?

Yes, but my issue
with him is that

I need us to be able
to communicate better,

and I feel like we don't
have the tools for that.

And the thing that really
keeps bringing us back,

if I'm gonna be honest,
is the sex.

Keeps us going.

[laughs]
You would love it, Bob.

But I'm happy for you
if this is the right guy.

Yeah...

I think that's
wonderful--and if it's not,

you know, you find out.

I'm gonna go out,

and I'm gonna look
for somebody for you.

I love you, Bob.
I'll do anything for you.

I love you too.
Tell your mom I miss her.

She'll know what I mean.

Oh, my God, she will.

She is going
to love that so much.

I will let her know.
All right, bye, Bob.

Oh, my God.
- Love you, Nikki.

- Love you too, Bob, bye.
- Goodbye.

All I know about you is
that you were discovered

behind a Pizza Hut in Vadnais.

[Italian accent] So that's
why your name is la Luigi,

because you were found behind
a classic Italian restaurant,

Pizza Hut.

I love when you do this.

[soft squeak]

[upbeat music]

You expressed yourself
out of your butt.

Ugh, it smells.

♪

Andrew?
- Yeah?

I'm gonna throw out some stuff.

- Okay.
- Oh, my favorite activity.

Okay, that stuff is old.

Yeah, that Zevia's been
in there.

- What's up?
- Ew, what is that?

- Mold!
- Ugh!

Don't get hot water in it then.

I guarantee you,

Andrew's been
shoving bread down there.

What's that white
stuff though?

Ugh, more mold.

We get it, we're disgusting.

This is why I feel unlovable.
- This?

Boys can get away
with being gross.

Girls should be like,
"I love clean things."

And I just, like, don't...
- Can recycle.

- Know how to do it.
- Can I rinse it out?

I don't know how
to be a woman.

It already feels better
though, right?

Yes.
[FaceTime beeping]

Hi, Mom.

- What are you doing?
- Hey, Dad.

Hi, kid.
How you doing?

- Where are you guys?
- [indistinct]

Hey, guys!

Oh.

My parents bought
the river cabin,

and it's awful.

To me,
it represents the outdoors,

and my entire family
loves the outdoors,

and I was adopted, apparently,

because I did get
that genetic mutation.

Can we come out there
sometime soon?

- No!
- It sounds so cozy.

We have games to play,
Trac Ball, football...

- We got ping-pong, darts.
- Ping-pong, darts.

I'll smoke your ass
in ping-pong.

Yes!

Because I knew
if you got me out of the car,

you'd go on some kind
of hike that had no end.

My sister, I guess,
was conceived on the river.

I was conceived
in New York City.

Maybe it's
about where you were conceived

because I don't like the river,
and I love New York.

Why are you strangling Dad?

'Cause he won't
share the phone with me.

I want to see you guys too.
- How's that?

Is that better?

Hi.

All right,
I'll think about it.

I'll think about it.
- Yeah, get back to me.

- All right.
- We're going.

All right,
we'll see you later.

Why do you not like--
what's so wrong about it?

Sounds like we have a lot
of activities to do.

♪

Do you think--am I someone
who likes activities?

But, like, what about just
being out in nature

and having like,
forest, trees, the river?

He loves it.
- [whimpers softly]

- Oh, he loves the river.
- Do it for your son.

Do you love the river?

Well, I'm excited to go.
It would be fun.

How far away is it, Nikki?
- It's by Six Flags.

- Oh, that's not bad at all.
- In Eureka.

If you guys will go,
then I'll go out there.

Oh, I'm allergic to even
thinking about going outside.

[laughter]

[tense music]

[upbeat music]

I found this guy
when I googled

"bird activity St. Louis."

He loves owls.
He goes by Mark the Owl Man.

But yeah, we're just gonna go
look at owls.

Oh, wow,
he looks well-prepared.

I love birds.

Oh, I love you.
I love you.

But I don't like the outdoors.

It just, like,
represents mud and spiders.

And snakes.

But when it comes to birds,
I'm nature girl.

I'm not nature girl.

I'm willing to be in the middle
of some nature girl.

Mark?
- Hey!

- Hello, I'm Nikki.
- How you doing?

Nikki, great to meet you.
- Hi, nice to meet you.

I'm Mark Glenshaw.
I'm the Owl Man.

The Owl Man,
so nice to meet you.

- Likewise.
- This is Chris.

- Hey, Mark the Owl Man.
- Chris.

- I'm Chris.
- Pleasure.

- I'm so excited.
- Nice to meet you.

- You have a fantastic beard.
- Thank you.

- That's a man.
- That's a man right there.

- That's an Owl Man.
- That's an Owl Man.

Okay, well,
let's go see some owls.

- Cool.
- What are we looking for?

So these are big owls,

so second tallest owl
in North America,

18 to 25 inches tall.

To put that in perspective,

from tip to tip...

Mm-mm.

Is 6 1/2 inches.

So you see my camera is
a shower and a grower.

[laughing]
Mark.

- Mark.
- Ooh, hi, Charles.

- No way.
- Huh, get out of here.

- Look.
- Oh, whoa.

Word of warning, Chris,

human females react
very strongly to Charles.

He gets so many digits,
hotel room keys.

Oh, my God.

Charles is always
swiped right.

Massive.

I can't believe
you found him that quickly.

So I've been
studying Charles and his mates

and their babies here
for 15 years.

Oh, my God.

You say men can't commit.
Come on.

[laughter]
- Yeah.

Never mind my girlfriend
for 23.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, that's pretty good.

- Yeah.
- Why aren't you married?

If it ain't broke,
don't marry it.

♪

- Do you live together?
- We did for many years.

And then, several years ago,
we were like,

"We've got really different
schedules and so forth."

But sometimes,
you spend the night together?

Yeah, yeah,
or just, you know, hang.

Like, she's coming over
for martinis

and food magazines on Friday.

I think that my relationship
doesn't have to look

exactly like everyone else's.

Mark's doesn't.

He and his lady have been
together for 23 years,

and they're boyfriend
and girlfriend still.

[owl hooting]

Did you hear that?
I just heard a female.

What did I hear that told me
it's a female?

- Squawk-y.
- "Meh, treachery, meh."

It's just nice to see
that some other man

isn't ready to commit either.

- Thanks so much, Mark.
- Thank you.

- Bye, Mark, thank you.
- Real pleasure.

- He is so sweet.
- Yeah, he's amazing.

- Who does he remind me of?
- Paul Giamatti?

Yes!

I'm wanna look at him
with binoculars.

Well, easy.

So I know
we talked about going

to couples counseling
even though we're not a couple,

but I just feel like,
when are we gonna do it?

When it comes to Chris,

I'm at a point
where I have needs,

and my number one need is
that he needs to go to therapy.

I want to be with someone
who goes to therapy.

I can't be with someone
who doesn't work on themselves.

I mean, I need him to go to,
like, couples therapy.

It's just a thing I thought of.
He has to go to therapy.

Well, if the two of you go,
that means a couple.

No, it doesn't.
Oh, my God.

I forgot to tell you.

Let's just do this.

Therapy--in therapy--
go to therapy--

therapy--
couples therapy.

If you have time
to watch "Squid Game,"

you have time to go to therapy.

We've tried for eight years.
It's not working.

So it's therapy or bust.

I found a woman.
Her name is Melissa.

- Okay.
- She's a marriage counselor.

She talks to couples.

Does she take people
that aren't even dating?

It's such a strange thing

to be like, "We're exes,
and we're not together,

and we're gonna try
to do couples therapy."

We've talked about it.

And I'm excited
to finally do it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You know, it's not something
that you're just dying to do,

but I'm gonna do it.

I'm fine.
I'm gonna do it.

That means a lot.
Thank you for going.

Yeah, of course.

I feel like
we don't need to go now.

Yeah.
[owl hoots]

♪

[upbeat music]

In high school
we coined the term "hell."

Oh, I have to study
for this social studies test.

- Hell.
- Hell.

Hiking for me is hell.

Or, like, kayaking, or, like--
- Travel.

Oh, I'm gonna pack
for my upcoming trip

that's a week away.

both: Hell.

♪

All right.

The expedition begins.
- I got the wedges!

I wish I had a thing
like golf

that made this more palatable.

The river cabin to me just
represents being stuck.

My parents love this cabin.

I call it the ------- cabin

'cause that's what
I figure, like,

they do there most of the time.

A lot of my childhood
was spent outdoors

when I didn't want to be.

My parents used to, like,
make us go camping

and canoeing.

I spent so many times, like,
standing in a pueblo.

I just associate nature with

being forced to do things
I don't want to do.

[hawk screeches]

♪

- Oh, I gotta pee.
- Me too!

- Oh, I gotta pee.
- Just pee outside.

Can we just pee in this,
like, ravine?

- Just pee right there.
- I totally will pee outside.

- Those bushes, can we please?
- Go ahead.

- I'll go pee right now.
- Go ahead, do it right now.

Okay.

Oh, thank God.

♪

What if I have to poop?

Do we have good plumbing
out here?

I didn't ask that.

- You got left, bitch!
- No!

- Andrew!
- Andrew!

---- you.

- Oh, my God.
- [laughing]

I should have left you two
in St. Louis.

I should just move out one day,
and just call you, and go,

"You got left, bitch!"

I wouldn't even be surprised.

[laughs]

Pull in here.
Hello!

It's cute. Oh, my gosh.
Right on the river.

- All right, all right!
- We're here!

Hello!
- Hey, you guys.

How are you?
- Hi.

Yay, we got
a little catering situation.

Where'd you get this guy?

- He's from Cincinnati.
- Oh, my gosh.

From the museum.

Someday, Nikki,
this'll be all yours.

[yawning]
Oh, God.

[chuckles]

Can we go upstairs,
and see it, and wash hands?

'Cause we just peed
in the forest.

Yes, go free.

Yeah, we just peed
in the woods.

Yeah.

♪

Oh, this is so cute!

It's cozy up here. Boggle.

Cute!

This cabin isn't as terrible
as I remember it being.

Mom, is he seeing anyone?

Nikki.

That is the weirdest thing
I've ever seen in my life.

What?

I am finding ways
to make it fun for myself

and make others
deeply uncomfortable,

which makes me comfortable.

I'm sorry, Mom.
I have a boyfriend.

Get used to it.

That's my mom.
She doesn't care.

Oh, my God, you're so hard.

Not in front of my dad.

[laughter]

No, no, no, no!

It's so uncomfortable.

[laughs]

♪

I'm gonna go grab
my favorite pen back at home.

I really wanna
write down something.

I don't wanna forget.

My family loves
outdoor activities.

I wanna just have
one shoot off with Andrew.

Okay, let's do it.

- Nice.
- Nice, dude!

I don't like activities

because activities
involves balls

and hand-eye coordination,
which I don't have.

♪

Andrew,
why'd you give it to her?

It involves balls
hitting me in the face.

---.

And I just don't like it.

See?

Well, I mean,
what am I doing wrong?

Everything.

But I am having fun
with my family.

- Whoa, Jesus.
- [laughs]

Seeing my parents'
enthusiasm for this place,

like, I get why it's
special for them--for them.

♪

Yes!

Seeing Nikki
at the cabin having fun,

it's refreshing.

Not that she's gonna beg us
to use the cabin,

but it would be nice--
- No.

We've certainly had fun
out there by ourselves.

We sure have.

We always say
we're two of us.

[both laugh]

Just kidding, just kidding.

- This river is so sunny.
- Come on, Lu.

How far can you go down it?

Wow, this is pretty!

Is it super cold?

- How beautiful is this?
- Yeah, I get this.

This is pretty nice out here.

- You getting it?
- It is beautiful.

I bet Chris would
like it here too.

So where do you stand
with Chris?

You're gonna go to therapy--
- About two inches taller.

Um, I...
[laughter]

What do you think is going on
with him though?

Like, tell us really.

It could be all or nothing,
I think, at this point.

Like, I either want
to be headed towards marriage

or, like, nothing.

I would agree.

If there's no future,
then screw it.

Falling in love is easy.

Let's get off the pot
and do this.

Is it ----
or get off the pot?

- Just get off the pot.
- Just get off the pot.

- Stop smoking pot.
- Well, I did get off the pot.

This is the time I need to kind
of pause and think about,

what do I actually want?

What are my goals
in a relationship?

And there's endless possibilities.

I mean, not endless.
The walls are closing in.

And by the walls,
I mean my uterus.

It's about to get cancelled.
Tick-tock!

I would love
for it to work out.

Good. Okay.

So we're going to therapy,
and we'll see.

You better specify what type
of therapy.

What if he just goes
to physical therapy?

That's my joke.
Did you know that?

Oh, really--no.
[laughs]

♪

[upbeat music]

Dope spot.

Hello!
- Hi.

- Hi, Nikki, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Come on in.
- Hey, how you doing?

Good to meet you,
Melissa Chosid.

Nice to meet you.
I'm Chris.

Have a seat.
Well, welcome.

What brought you
to couples therapy?

I would like us
to be a couple

that talks about our feelings,

like, frequently and openly.

And I just want to be single.

[quirky dramatic music]

Sorry, I was waiting the whole
time to say that line.

Yeah.

Were you even listening
to your partner,

or were you waiting
to make a joke?

I was.
I'm sorry, I'm just joking.

Chris often makes jokes

when put into a position
where it's a serious talk.

Like, with you and me,
do you ever think about how--

- No.
- My thoughts about--

[laughs]

When was the last time
you processed your feelings,

like, just for you?

I've still never
felt a feeling before.

It sounds awesome.

I do get frustrated sometimes

that things have
to be funny all the time.

I do like to have
serious conversations,

and to me,
our relationship is serious.

I see the laugh and the play

is such a strong part
of your relationship.

Yeah.

And what about
when things get serious?

Is that territory that's
uncomfortable for you guys?

I like conflict and debate.

I want to be able
to not agree with him,

and have it be a balance
that comes easy.

For you, Chris,
when there's some kind of,

I'll say,
rupture in the relationship,

someone did something
to hurt someone's feelings,

what's your go-to
survival strategy?

It's bad.

Do you withdraw
and move away?

Yes, yes.

Or do you pursue to,
like, fix it?

It's total shutdown.

I can't handle, like,
the silent treatment,

and it's something
that he can't not do.

So then what happens
for you, Nikki?

I just go to like,
"I'm ------- done."

Someone who loves me
does not do this,

and I get to,
like, burning anger.

How do you respond
to that version of Nikki?

I don't think I respond well.

It's not that I don't
want the conflict ever.

There's things in the past
that just aren't ideal

that--like,
resentments and trust issues.

You know, the stuff
that happened with us

with the podcast
from like seven years ago,

I heard you call me disgusting.

I was like, "Whoa."

I catch her in something,
and I'd be like,

"But you said this,
and now you're saying this."

And those little things,
do those add up to,

these are the reasons why
we're not together,

or are those things that we can
get through and be like,

"Oh, man," and embrace all
of the good stuff?

Yeah.

Where are you guys at
in terms

of envisioning
a future together?

I would like him
to be in my life

for the rest of my life
and be like a Kurt Russell,

Goldie Hawn situation.

Marriage, other things,
like, those are things

that I've been, oh,
definitely reluctant,

but I'm not closed off to it
like I was when I was younger.

But you also do make
some rash decisions.

- I change my mind a lot.
- And you change your mind.

I'm like, "Nikki,
I thought you were doing--"

I'm inconsistent,
and that's--

- Does that scare you?
- Oh, yeah, big time.

Yeah, that's a big one for me.

Maybe you could be, like,
a little bit more reliable

in certain situations,
so like--

Unreliable
I think is the word.

It's not irresponsible--but I
don't think you're unreliable.

I just think
that there are times then you--

- Flip-floppy.
- You can be flip-floppy.

- Yeah.
- There's some flip-floppiness.

What I'm hearing
from both of you is,

you guys love each other,

you have a great sense
of humor together,

and it's just,
we need to figure out

how to move past conflict

instead of doing this old thing
that we've done,

which is just, you know,
shutdown, panic, withdrawal,

shutdown, panic, withdrawal.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

And that's something that,
you know,

you guys want to continue
working together.

I can help you with that,
right?

Slowing down the conversation.

How am I triggered?
How do I self-soothe past that?

[exhales]
Okay, now we can keep going.

Yeah.

It's a little messy.
It's a little confusing.

But we are working
towards stuff together.

I don't want
to call it too soon,

but I would like to come back.

Absolutely.

Yes, Nikki would love
to come back.

Therapy is great.
I really liked it.

Are you, like, hot for it?

- I'm not hot for it.
- Okay.

- What's to be hot about?
- I love it.

I just love seeing a man emote.

I just--if you get wet
up there,

you know what's going on
down here.

No, no.

- Thank you for hanging.
- You're welcome.

It was fun.
- Thank you for doing it.

- I had a really good time.
- [laughs]

♪

Next time
on the season finale...

♪ Going to LA

As much as I love St. Louis,
in LA,

there's a lot of things
that St. Louis doesn't have.

America's favorite
Midwest comic.

It's a niche, but...
- [laughs]

Do you think that the project

that we're kind
of talking about...

Do I think it'll happen
if you live in St. Louis?

♪

With Chris,
I want commitment,

and I want to know
where we're going.

- Relationship status--
- I hate this limbo.

We've thought we were ready
for more before,

and we were wrong.

Are we wrong this time?
I don't know.

It just feels like
we're heading towards...

Forever.

♪