All language subtitles for Welcome.Home.Nikki.Glaser.S01E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[upbeat music]

My friend Jeff
used to have a joke

that a bird is the only animal
you can throw

and you're helping it.

Hilarious.
[both laugh]

I love birds.

[imitates bird]
- That's a good bird.

Like, you could do a good bird, yeah.

What kind of bird
do you think you look like?

You tell me.

[laughing]
Yeah.

A stalk? Is that one?

A stalk?

That sounds like a bird
that I look like.

I think there's a stalk.

- I just--
- A stalk.

- A stork?
- A stork.

[laughs]

A stalk.

Oh, my God.

♪ I wanna miss my flight

♪ I feel so all alone
out on the road ♪

♪ Can you welcome me home?

[upbeat music]

♪

- Hello.
- Welcome.

How's it going?
I'm Nikki.

Is this a coatrack or--

- That's an apparatus, so--
- Oh, okay.

Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

So you need to take
your shoes off, first off.

- Oh, Instructor Kerstin.
- So shoes off now.

I am a personal trainer,
and my ultimate goal

is to someday get Nikki
to love Pilates

as much as I do.

We're gonna try to find
a neutral spine today

and work your core.

If you try to make your body
a centaur,

isn't that the hottest?

It's nice to have a friend
who's training you.

Can't wait to get rich enough
to, like, hire you.

I wanna, like, move a studio
into my apartment...

- Oh.
- And then have you, like, work

out of there or something,
I don't know.

Now you're getting me excited.

Pull your chest out.

Turn your thumbs up
and out this way.

- What?
- Feel how from here,

you've got that position more.

Thighs open.

[groans]

That feels so good.

So good.

This is my sex position.

So pull your pubic bone
up to your face.

This is me trying to reach
for Chris.

Hug the man.

Imagine there's a burning
beach ball right here.

Suck it in,
go back all the way.

Wait, but wait. Hold on.
Where's the burning beach ball?

I don't wanna...
- Slowly.

Touch the burning ball.

Exhale. Press up.

Oh, my gosh, Nikki.
You're a natural.

Yay.

I've never been a natural.

- Yes, you have.
- All I do is try

at everything.

It's a Taylor Swift lyric.
- One more.

I'm gonna make you do one more
on that note.

Gorgeous.

Okay, rest this down.

See, people find this
more therapeutic

than just, like,
their therapy sessions.

Okay, so how was Chicago?

I'm going there.

- Oh, okay.
- This week.

- Since you can--
- My parents are coming

'cause they couldn't go
to the St. Louis show.

- So they're gonna be there--
- And Chris is coming too.

- [gasps]
- So nice.

- So supportive.
- I know.

Do you think I should change
my material at all?

With Chris
and my mom and dad there?

'Cause he's gonna be sitting
next to them.

Like, would you prefer me
to talk about oral sex

with you next to my parents

or with other men
in front of my parents?

Yeah. Who knows?

I don't wanna
make him awkward.

I, like, care
about his feelings.

But I also don't wanna
not do my act

because have paid money
to see me be me.

Yeah.
So many people to please.

I am a lady in the streets

and a freak on the stage.

And my parents are going.

And also, Chris is going.

And they've never been sitting
next to each other

while they have to hear jokes
about me and Chris

where, you know,
fluids are being exchanged.

I don't know how to put that.

Okay, we need a towel.

Yeah,
there is a spray-tan situation

because I needed self-esteem
when I put on this tank top.

It will come off.

- Ooh.
- [laughs]

We're in a good place.
I feel like

we're really connected.

We're spending a lot of time together.

We're having so much fun together.

And we're keeping it--
we're not going all the way.

Because I don't wanna
catch feelings again.

It's been two years since
we've done that, actually.

And that's the longest stretch
we've ever gone in eight years.

- Yeah, but who's counting?
- [laughs]

June 2, 2019.
- [laughing] No.

Not me.

- [laughing] Oh, my God.
- But that is the date.

- Is that really?
- Yeah, yeah.

You're kidding me.

♪

We're gonna have
a cookout tonight.

♪

[chimes clinking]

[laughter]
- Come get it!

It's time for dinner.
[laughter]

Ooh, we got deviled eggs
and potato salad?

- Yes, dear.
- Can a man dream?

This is great.

This Impossible Burger
is delicious.

Mom. Mom.

I want it there.
[laughter]

She told me that line.

I used to say that
all the time

when Chris would be like,
"Glase, you got a thing."

And I'd be like,
"I like it there."

And he'd be like,
"Please don't do that."

I go, "That's what
my mom always says.

She trained me."
[laughter]

- Why don't you just say so?
- I always liked the one

where your mom went through
her catchphrase phase.

Mom went through a phase
of, uh, bitches.

"What up, bitches?"

[laughter]

You know what?

What are you bitches doing?
What do you want to drink?

What do you bitches want?
[laughter]

Biatch.

Mom's new catchphrase is,
she says devastating things

and then goes "Just kiddin'."
- Just kiddin'.

- It's like--
- Just kiddin'.

Your mom never loved ya.

Just kiddin'.
- JK.

JK.
[laughter]

Okay, so I'm just, like,
floating the idea.

What do you think
about having birds someday?

[laughter]

I show him TikToks of parrots
doing cute things

and I go, "You'd be
such a good bird dad."

I love birds because I feel
like I might be very birdlike.

They're sweet
and they're scared

and they're very, like, quick
and, like, jittery.

If you got a bird,
could you give it

to your bird sanctuary people
in Chicago?

If, like, things didn't
work out and you couldn't...

She's working on it.

- Yeah.
- She's gotta go talk to them.

In Chicago, we're going
to a bird rescue place

that I won money for

on "Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire?"

Celebrity Edition.

Was that when you went "No!"

- Yes.
- No!

- So we're talking about that?
- No!

They got 125 grand.

When I was on "Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire"

Celebrity Edition,
I was doing pretty well.

Better than I thought
I could do.

It got to this one question
that was a little bit tough,

and I said A instead of B

when I knew
that I meant to say B.

And when you say
"Final answer,"

it's locked in.

And I screamed, "No!

No! No!"

And I just go,
"You know what I meant.

You all know what I meant."

But because it was for charity,
they let me keep going.

Everyone always does
animal rescue

or, like, dog rescue,
cat--like,

there's other animals
that need rescuing too,

like there's--there's birds.

And so I just googled,
like, bird rescue,

and it was the first one that
came up and I just go, "This."

And I had no idea where it was
or anything about it.

And yeah.
- 'Member we used to take Kiwi

and just stick him on the table
and spin him around and--

Kiwi was
the most amazing bird.

It was like
he would do whole sentences.

"I hate you.
I'm so hungry."

What happened to that bird?

- Great question.
- He died.

Oh.

Julie had to clean the cage
with Pine-Sol.

- Okay.
- My mom--well,

it's no one's fault.
She didn't want him to die.

EJ,
you love to tell this story.

You couldn't wait
to tell that story.

I just brought it up
'cause that's how--

- But you love to tell--
- But people ask how it died.

- I had to tell 'em.
- I know.

The people needed to know.
[laughter]

What about all those birds
up there?

Oh, my God.

Is that the bird?

Pine-Sol, Pine-Sol,
Pine-Sol, Pine-Sol.

- It was "birder."
- What's that mean?

[laughter]
- Murder.

- Oh.
- Bird murder.

Bird murder.
[both imitate bird squawks]

Every one of these.

[laughter]

It was a dirty cage.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Can I have my dog in?
- Yeah, that's totally fine.

- Is that okay? Oh, thanks.
- Aww.

- Hi.
- I think we're wearing

the same outfit again.
- No way.

- Yahweh. Almost.
- What?

Cuteness.

Sometimes I get the suspicion

that... I'm turning
into my mother.

I don't like it.

I'm not inviting it.

But I'm not fighting it.

Oh, my God,
you look adorable.

- I look like you.
- [laughs]

I mean,
I do like this jacket.

That whole outfit
is for the stage.

What stage?
Menopause?

[laughs]

I'm so happy you guys
are going to my show

in Chicago.

Even though my Netflix special

where you guys came
to the first show

and then you weren't there
at the second show...

- It loosened you.
- I did better the second show.

'Cause the first show,
I just saw you the whole time.

I needed a drink
after that first show.

[laughs]

Nikki,
if she wasn't my daughter,

I probably wouldn't go see
her show.

I go because I love her.
[both laugh]

That's the truth.

I mean,
does that sound terrible?

I think so.

Julie still has these nuns
in her head talking to her.

- Oh, my God.
- [laughing] You do.

- Sister Grace Angela.
- She's in there somewhere.

- [laughs]
- Waiting to come out.

So, EJ,
what is the most uncomfortable

you've ever been
in Nikki's shows?

- I'm gonna veer off.
- Any of your shows.

Head to the butchery.

I'd rather--
[laughter]

I'd rather witness animals
being murdered...

Than to hear the answer
to this question?

Um, yeah.

More sex the merrier, I say.

Yeah.
Mom, what about you?

Whenever you talk about anal.

Well,
you told me not to have sex.

I told you
not to give it away.

Yeah, but you didn't specify
what not to give away.

I'm not giving away the one
you told me not to.

[laughter]

My mom, I think sometimes,

gets worried about what people
might think of her daughter

and has the reaction
of, "Oh, you don't need to--

"they might not like that one.

That might be the one
that gets you canceled."

She's just very scared
of what people think about me,

and she just wants me
to be liked by everyone.

And listen, Mom, so do I.

The irony is, everyone thinks

that I'm so slutty,
but I'm not at all.

I can count the number of guys
I've been with on--

with both hands and both feet.

- Ears.
- That's a lot.

I still got a couple before
I need to start adding hands.

I have a reputation
that I am slutty,

which I wish I were.

I've only slept with one person
in the past eight years,

and that's Chris.

And I think that, you know,

I bring on that reputation
by talking about sex so freely.

People don't know
that all my sex stories

are about one person.

And we haven't had sex
for two years.

Two years.

I feel like my act
is like anal.

You can't just, um,
get into it right away

without prepping a little bit.

But you have to prep it.

[laughs]

♪

Off to Chicago.

Bird sanctuary.
A mouth full of canker sores.

♪

We've done it.

It's been in 15 people's hands.
- Thank you.

It's not contagious.

So I can kiss you
on the mouth now?

- [laughing] Oh, no.
- [laughs]

Let's go to bird--
let's go to bird town.

The famous sanctuary.

Bird town express.

♪

Bird, bird, bird.

I wanna be able
to kiss a bird

on its little head.
- [laughs]

Getting close to the birds, guys.

Five minutes away from birds.

What do you think they used
your money for?

- I bet, like--
- Wouldn't it be funny

if he had, like,
an air hockey table?

[laughter]
- A pickleball court.

This just feels like
a neighborhood.

- This is weird.
- This is--

[laughs]

[quirky music]

It's gonna be so funny
if it's just a guy's house.

This is some dude's basement
for sure.

Oh, my God.

I think this is--
this might be it.

- Oh, my--
- [laughs]

- Holy ----.
- Uh-oh. There's a--

- [laughing] Oh, my God.
- There's a bird.

- Uh-oh.
- Nikki, who did you give

your money to?

We thought it was gonna
be an institution.

A building.
A commercial building.

From the outside,
it's just a house.

Fingers crossed
that they have more birds

than two or three.
[laughs]

I love birds.

I'm so excited.

It's gonna be one toucan.

No, and Nikki will
start going, "No, no!"

- No!
- [laughs]

He's got a brand-new Rubicon

that says
"Thanks, Nikki Glaser"

on the license plate.

What the ----
are we getting ourselves into?

Oh, my God.

♪

- This is it.
- Okay.

This is not what I expected.

[knock at door]

Hello. Hi. I'm Nikki.

- Welcome.
- Come on in. Nice to meet you.

I'm Karen.
- Nice to meet you, Karen.

Hello.
- If you go in the rooms,

you're not gonna be able
to talk.

Yeah,
you can go in the kitchen.

Great.
[squawking]

There's over 60 birds
in these two rooms right here.

Oh, my God.

We get all these calls
all the time

for people who wanna turn
their birds in.

And I have to say no,
and that--that kills me.

We're finally saying no.

We are maxed out
on cockatoos right now.

I have 44 cockatoos.
both: Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, obviously,
we wouldn't have any cabinets

if we let 'em go in here.

They've got to be confined
in a cage for safety.

I'm excited to see
these little birds

and look at them
and play with them.

Birds represent a very
childlike feeling in my soul.

Um, just watch your fingers.
[squawking intensifies]

We'll walk in here.

Oh, my God.

Oh--that's so fun.

- Oh, my God.
- [laughs]

What?
[birds squawking]

Oh.

It sounds like you're walking

into an exhibit at a zoo
times 30.

I feel like
I'm at a gun range.

They're definitely
gonna go deaf.

And that might be better
for them, actually.

They probably are deaf.

[squawking]

Oh, my God.

Hi.

[bird whistles]
[laughs]

It just never dawned on me

that you could be
this into birds.

Oh, they are so cute.

Yeah, they really are.

That guy's a bird person.

And that woman
is a bird person.

- Hi, sweet pea.
- Hi.

[bird whistles]
- Yeah, you goofy girl.

Is Nikki one of them?

I don't know. I don't know.

Oh, I love you.

I love you.

It's like a--
I'm close to being,

like, concerned about it.

This is heaven.

[squawking]

Ah, he touched me!

Oh, it scared me. Oh, my God.

It's a noble job
these people are doing.

Who would do it?

I wanna know.

[both laugh]

[piercing squawks]
- That's my alarm clock.

Yes.

Can I put you on snooze?

[laughs]
Aww.

I am, like,
deeply, deeply moved

by Rich and Karen.

I want what they have.

Is that a baby owl
or is that a full-grown?

No, it's a screech owl.
She's a full-grown owl.

You are so cute.

We can't thank you enough.

I mean,
you helped us out a lot.

It's the best feeling
I've ever had.

Truly. No offense.

- [laughs]
- But this is it.

[squawks]

♪

Right now
I'm on my first theater tour,

and I want my audience
to have a good show.

Chris and my mom and dad
really won't be

a part of my mind
when I'm up there.

But as soon
as I walk offstage,

I will be
second-guessing everything,

going over what--
"Oh, did I say this one thing

that might've made them mad?"

And I'm, like, 17 years old

and worried
if everyone hates me.

[cheers and applause]

Putting in the Anbesol.

I have a canker sore.

Chicago,
make some noise right now

for Nikki Glaser!

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

♪

Thank you so much, Chicago.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, my God.

Thank you guys so much
for being here.

It's gonna be a special show.

I just--I can't hold back.

I'm really sorry, Dad.

They're here tonight, um,
my mom and dad.

I can't deny it.

So every guy wants
to ---- a lot.

If they could,
they kind of probably would.

Here's the deal.

My new rule is, no vagina.

If you don't wanna do anal--
I know you're like,

"But I wanna do vaginal sex

because I don't wanna
do anal, Nikki,"

please try it.

Like, I just think
you will like it.

I cannot look at Chris
because I'm so worried

that he is gonna be
freaking out.

I know you're like, "But I
tried it once and it hurt."

Did you use, like,
all the lube in the land?

- [laughs]
- Because if you didn't,

yeah, it's gonna be terrible.

Watch a YouTube video
from a gay guy in his bathroom

talking about how
to anal douche.

It's not--don't do it once.

Do it
until the water runs clear.

Like,
you don't want to look like

you're pissing Flint, Michigan
water out of your butt.

I don't think
he's embarrassed

for anyone else but for us.

Like, he's, like, going,
"I'm sitting right here.

Nikki's parents are looking
at me."

You just do tunnel vision
and you get through it.

I recently had a guy do
the "Daddy," uh, thing.

And he was like,
"Do you like that?

Tell Daddy you like that,"
and I just was like,

"I don't wanna do that."

But I don't like kink-shame,
you know?

So with the "Daddy" thing,
just start with Daddy,

but then slowly progress
until you're at the point

where you're going, "Da-da.

Da-da, da-da."
[blows raspberry]

Glase.

Come on.

Help me out here.

And then if he comes,
you've got an issue.

Like, if that's what does it
for him...run.

Oh, jeez.

- Sorry, man.
- Oh.

[laughs]

And my dad is here.

- [laughs]
- So I, uh--I didn't think

that blowing someone could
make me feel those feelings.

I always thought,
oh, sex is the one

that really locks you in
to someone

kind of almost against
your will.

But, you know,
blow jobs are intimate as well

'cause they're--
if you go too deep,

it's, like--
almost hits your heart.

Like, it's just tapping around
that area.

For the love of Glase.

But, um, if it's funny,
it's--you have to do it.

Thank you guys so much
for coming out.

[cheers and applause]
I love you. See you next time!

Bye!

That was great.

She's amazing.

[upbeat music]

Mmm.

This is the life.

Andrew.
- How's he doing?

Look at me.

I mean,
that's heaven right there.

My rice cakes and vegan
cream cheese and -------...

[laughs]

How 'bout that bunion, huh?

Do you see a lot of those, or--

- Actually, no, not really.
- [laughing] No.

'Cause girls are ashamed
of them.

- Yeah.
- Whoo-hoo!

- Great show.
- Thank you, Dad!

- Whoo!
- So much fun.

- Really?
- Yeah, oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry.
- Here, sit down.

- It was great.
- Oh, that's so nice.

- Hey, man. How are you?
- Don't mind him.

[laughter]
Hi.

How was sitting
with my parents?

It was great.
We just didn't make eye contact

the whole time.
- We hardly looked over.

- There was no--
- Stared straight ahead.

There was no nudging like,
that was a good one.

[laughter]
- I know they're funny, but--

I get teary-eyed hearing
about all those other guys.

[laughter]

So what about
these anal jokes?

- You know, I blacked out.
- Yeah.

It's understandable.

But I am looking
at the audience.

They like you.
- They like me.

They really, really like me.

It is something else.

[laughs]

One, two, three.

Nice. Got it.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Nikki.
- Hi, I'm Kristin.

Hi, Kristin.
Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- What is this?

Oh, my God.
[gasps]

I love it so much.

It's a dog collar
that has Taylor Swift on it.

Aww, it's so cute.

Thank you, Kristin.

- All right.
- [laughs]

I get all teary-eyed.

It really gets me.

Watching Nikki
with all her fans

just really gets me emotional.

Probably because, uh,
my mom took us to Chicago

on a train
to watch Phyllis Diller live

when I was nine years old.

And so I just think about
my mother would just

be going crazy
to see Nikki doing this.

She'd love those anal jokes.

[both laugh]

I'm just kidding.
Just kidding.

- Dad, Mom.
- Good to see you. Hi.

Bye.

♪

- Good night.
- Good night, baby.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks for everything.

You knocked it out.
- Thank you so much.

Yes. Oh, my God.
Thanks for being here.

It's so nice to have you.
- Good night, Chris.

Talk soon. So good.
See you, Chris.

We're gonna go
to separate bedrooms.

Oh, I'm sure.

[laughter]

After all the stress
of, like,

what it was gonna feel like

performing
in front of my parents

while they're
sitting with Chris,

it was all for nothing.

If anything,
they seemed to like me more.

- You behave.
- Have a good one.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Yay.

Yeah.

I haven't been having sex
with Chris

because I just didn't wanna
catch feelings,

but I caught them anyway, so...

let's go!

Ready for a wild night?
- No, no.

Got the canker sore treatment.

Gross.

I'm, like, so horny for it.

[quirky music]

You know what's going on
down here.

No, nope.

- Sorry to be gross.
- Nope.

Presently occupied.

♪

For the love of Glase!

Next time...

Oh, I got some eyes.

This is weird.

Are you girls done?

- Yes.
- [laughs]

[piano playing]
[trills lips]

- All right, all right.
- It's my first time

singing in front of people.

I just wanna be Taylor Swift
and I can't.

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

I would literally rather do,

like, a donkey show than this.

If we get back together,
we should just get engaged.

Oh, yeah?
Sometimes I'm like,

Glase just wants to be a wife

and it's whatever sucker
is willing to do it.